Where You Live in Abuja and What That Says About You

Abuja is the much-adored capital city. While the city plays host to people from different places, classes, and ethnicity, the most popular towns that make up the city are occupied by specific kinds of people, and we’re here to expose them today.

1. Maitama/Asokoro

black man in yoruba attire and traditional bead necklace holding multiple bundles of $1 bills to his ear

This is where you find the big boys with fuck-you-money. The politicians, children of politicians, oil magnates, people who can still afford Titus sardine, etc.

2. Kubwa

According to the Zikoko Bureau of Imaginary Statistics, half of the Igbo population in Abuja live in Kubwa. That’s why okpa is the most popular staple around there. Every Igbo person in Nigeria has a family member in Kubwa.

3. Dutse

youth corper appearing to shout out commands to his platoon during a march past on an unidentified NYSC camp

For people who want to live in Abuja but can’t afford to live in Abuja. Typically people who did NYSC in Abuja and couldn’t find a job afterwards but refused to go back to Asaba and Lagos.

4. Gwarimpa

places in abuja and people who live there

Everybody is innocent until proven guilty, except people who live here. Gwarimpa is for Lagos people who moved to Abuja but couldn’t move on from Lagos. The traffic within the estate is numbing and if you go out of your house at exactly 1:53 a.m., you might see LASTMA officials harassing yellow Lagos buses.

5. Kuje

nigerian international passport with "Kuje" superimposed in a white underlined text over "Nigeria" on it

An autonomous country near Abuja. Residents are required to have their own international passports before they are allowed to travel to Abuja or any other part of the country.

6. Lugbe

Everyone who you have lost contact with for years now lives in Lugbe. Also the town is for people who live in Abuja but want to avoid the responsibilities of Abuja people. When you bill them, they tell you they don’t have. If you say, “Don’t you live in Abuja?” They quickly respond with “Yes, but I live in Lugbe.”

sydney talker in a blue face cap worn backwards folding his arms expressing disbelief

9. Gwagwalada

Basically Lokoja but with wider roads. Mostly for folks from Kogi state who tried to migrate to Abuja and failed to make it all the way to the city itself. These people lie to everyone else that they live in Abuja, and so we have grudgingly accepted them.