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City | Zikoko!
  • Where You Live in Abuja and What That Says About You

    Abuja is the much-adored capital city. While the city plays host to people from different places, classes, and ethnicity, the most popular towns that make up the city are occupied by specific kinds of people, and we’re here to expose them today.

     

    1. Maitama/Asokoro

    black man in yoruba attire and traditional bead necklace holding multiple bundles of $1 bills to his ear

    This is where you find the big boys with fuck-you-money. The politicians, children of politicians, oil magnates, people who can still afford Titus sardine, etc. 

    2. Kubwa

    cute biola in traditional igbo attire

    According to the Zikoko Bureau of Imaginary Statistics, half of the Igbo population in Abuja live in Kubwa. That’s why okpa is the most popular staple around there. Every Igbo person in Nigeria has a family member in Kubwa.

    3. Dutse 

    youth corper appearing to shout out commands to his platoon during a march past on an unidentified NYSC camp

    For people who want to live in Abuja but can’t afford to live in Abuja. Typically people who did NYSC in Abuja and couldn’t find a job afterwards but refused to go back to Asaba and Lagos.

    4. Gwarimpa 

    places in abuja and people who live there

    Everybody is innocent until proven guilty, except people who live here. Gwarimpa is for Lagos people who moved to Abuja but couldn’t move on from Lagos. The traffic within the estate is numbing and if you go out of your house at exactly 1:53 a.m., you might see LASTMA officials harassing yellow Lagos buses.

    5. Kuje

    nigerian international passport with "Kuje" superimposed in a white underlined text over "Nigeria" on it

    An autonomous country near Abuja. Residents are required to have their own international passports before they are allowed to travel to Abuja or any other part of the country.

    6. Lugbe

    Everyone who you have lost contact with for years now lives in Lugbe. Also the town is for people who live in Abuja but want to avoid the responsibilities of Abuja people. When you bill them, they tell you they don’t have. If you say, “Don’t you live in Abuja?” They quickly respond with “Yes, but I live in Lugbe.”

    sydney talker in a blue face cap worn backwards folding his arms expressing disbelief

    9. Gwagwalada

    Basically Lokoja but with wider roads. Mostly for folks from Kogi state who tried to migrate to Abuja and failed to make it all the way to the city itself. These people lie to everyone else that they live in Abuja, and so we have grudgingly accepted them.

    osita iheme in four states of facial expressions ranging from disgust to unconcern

    Read Next: How to Spot an Ex-Lagosian Living in Abuja

  • What Should You Do When Buhari Visits Your City?

    If your city’s name is not London, then it’s not every day that it’s blessed with the presence of travel blogger, President Buhari. The United Kingdom has seen his gap-toothed smile more times than Lai Mohammed has spoken the truth.

    But the president will make a local stop in Lagos State on Tuesday, March 22nd 2022 on a work visit.

    What’s he looking for?

    President Buhari is in Lagos State for four things, and none of them is about the heat cooking the city.

    The high point of his visit is the commissioning of a new international terminal at the Murtala Muhammed International Airport. The last terminal was commissioned in 1979.

    That’s 43 years if you were counting

    The new terminal is expected to process over a dozen million passengers annually and decongest the operations of the old terminal. But will it stop airport officials from still harassing you to drop something for the boys? We can’t say at this time.

    Buhari’s second order of business is to commission the Dangote Fertiliser Plant in Lekki. He’ll also do inspection tours of the Lekki Deep Sea Port and Dangote Refinery. 

    Unfortunately, Chief Inspector Babatunde Fashola won’t be there to find cameras

    How should Lagosians react?

    Buhari leaving Abuja for anywhere inside Nigeria is a big deal, because you know he actually wants to be in London instead. But when he decides to step into your city, what are your options?

    Be a human red carpet 

    What you should do when Buhari visits your city

    If you’re a Buharist, the president’s visit to your city is easily the best thing to happen to you that week. Or month, if you don’t have a lot going for you. A presidential visit presents the opportunity to activate that Sai Baba devotion and show that you’re his Number 1 fan. Rolling out that red carpet for him is so outdated; you can become the carpet yourself.

    Take a sick day off work

    If you’re a Buhari hater, the president’s visit to your city will likely make you feel sick. Take a day off and tell your employer that your pet goat died or something and working is not on your list of priorities that day.

    ALSO READ: Why Is Buhari Using Nigeria’s $1 million to Do Giveaway for Afghanistan?

    Remind him of youth unemployment

    You also want to take a sick day off work, but you don’t have any work because you’re one of the 22.3 million Nigerians who are unemployed. You can join Buhari’s welcome party and display a placard to remind him that he’s not doing his job well. He may spot you as his convoy drives past, or he may be too busy not caring.

    What you should do when Buhari visits your city

    Stay at home

    For a place like Lagos, a presidential visit is also a test from God or the Devil — it’s hard to tell. Roads are blocked, there’s a lot of vehicular diversions and you’re stuck in traffic sweating like a Christmas goat. Your recourse is to stay home and pray the president leaves as quickly as possible. Going outside for anything that needs four wheels may lead to “Had I known.”

    What you should do when Buhari visits your city

    Flee the city

    The thought of Buhari drawing the same oxygen in the same city as you is not one you even want to entertain. Run.

    What you should do when Buhari visits your city

    ALSO READ: How Buhari Has Freed 1,629 “Repentant” Boko Haram Members