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  • All the Types of People We Saw on Valentine’s Day

    The ones that don’t care about Valentine’s Day

    These ones will act like they don’t rate February 14th. But in reality, they’re either just single or broke.

    The ones with multiple admirers

    These ones enjoyed the day to the fullest as they were receiving gifts from different people and scheduling multiple dates. Their only headache was how to handle going out with different people on the same day.

    The ones in a relationship with food

    They’ll tell you that food can’t break anyone’s heart, but they’re only consoling themselves with food because they haven’t found love yet.

    People who gifted themselves and then acted surprised

    These are LadiPoe’s people – “Throw myself a party and then act surprised”. Who were they deceiving? Last last, it’s still self-love anyway, and it’s not a bad thing at all.

    The people who wrote cute letters

    These folks made beautifully written letters for the people they love and sent those letters to them with a can of Malta Guinness to stomach all that goodness. These people deserve an award for being the best in thoughtfulness.

    The smart ones who seized the chance to enjoy a Malta Guinness-powered Date Night

    These people had the most fun on Valentine’s day, hands down. Malta Guinness treated them to a lovely four-course dinner for valentine’s day and people had a lovely time with food, laughter, and the company of the people they love.

    Sheriff Alimi

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  • 7 Types of People You’ll Meet in a Hot Twitter Conversation

    From the people with valid points to the ones who are angry for no reason, here are the different types you’ll see in a Twitter conversation. Know the ones you’re dealing with so you can avoid trouble.

    The instigators

    The ones who tweet clearly stupid or controversial things just for engagement. They always disappear when the chaos starts, so beware of their trap.

    The fire stokers

    The devil has many advocates and most are on Twitter. The best place to find them is in the comment section of the instigators.

    The market sellers

    These ones don’t care about anything. They just want to use all the trending topics to sell their market. So if you see a tweet that ends with words that make no sense together — “Buhari, Oshodi, BBNaija” — just know they’re trying to sell something.

    The attention-seeking contrarians

    If everyone is arguing about whether or not two plus two is equal to four, you can be sure to find someone who’ll mention how numbers are a capitalist invention. They’re the ITKs of Twitter.

    The commentators

    These ones actually want to have a conversation. They’ll lay down points that’ll make you feel sorry for them for talking sense in a wild place like Nigerian Twitter.

    The jokers

    It’s never that deep with these people. They’ll come at any hot take with a slam dunk that makes everybody forget why they were angry in the first place.

    The angry ones

    For these ones, every conversation is a threat of violence. They just want to insult anybody with a different opinion. No matter how calm you feel, once you engage them, heat will start catching you. They might even curse your father for no reason at all.

    NEXT READ: The Zikoko Guide To Being A Nigerian Twitter Influencer

    Sheriff Alimi

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  • Where You Live in Abuja and What That Says About You

    Abuja is the much-adored capital city. While the city plays host to people from different places, classes, and ethnicity, the most popular towns that make up the city are occupied by specific kinds of people, and we’re here to expose them today.

     

    1. Maitama/Asokoro

    black man in yoruba attire and traditional bead necklace holding multiple bundles of $1 bills to his ear

    This is where you find the big boys with fuck-you-money. The politicians, children of politicians, oil magnates, people who can still afford Titus sardine, etc. 

    2. Kubwa

    cute biola in traditional igbo attire

    According to the Zikoko Bureau of Imaginary Statistics, half of the Igbo population in Abuja live in Kubwa. That’s why okpa is the most popular staple around there. Every Igbo person in Nigeria has a family member in Kubwa.

    3. Dutse 

    youth corper appearing to shout out commands to his platoon during a march past on an unidentified NYSC camp

    For people who want to live in Abuja but can’t afford to live in Abuja. Typically people who did NYSC in Abuja and couldn’t find a job afterwards but refused to go back to Asaba and Lagos.

    4. Gwarimpa 

    places in abuja and people who live there

    Everybody is innocent until proven guilty, except people who live here. Gwarimpa is for Lagos people who moved to Abuja but couldn’t move on from Lagos. The traffic within the estate is numbing and if you go out of your house at exactly 1:53 a.m., you might see LASTMA officials harassing yellow Lagos buses.

    5. Kuje

    nigerian international passport with "Kuje" superimposed in a white underlined text over "Nigeria" on it

    An autonomous country near Abuja. Residents are required to have their own international passports before they are allowed to travel to Abuja or any other part of the country.

    6. Lugbe

    Everyone who you have lost contact with for years now lives in Lugbe. Also the town is for people who live in Abuja but want to avoid the responsibilities of Abuja people. When you bill them, they tell you they don’t have. If you say, “Don’t you live in Abuja?” They quickly respond with “Yes, but I live in Lugbe.”

    sydney talker in a blue face cap worn backwards folding his arms expressing disbelief

    9. Gwagwalada

    Basically Lokoja but with wider roads. Mostly for folks from Kogi state who tried to migrate to Abuja and failed to make it all the way to the city itself. These people lie to everyone else that they live in Abuja, and so we have grudgingly accepted them.

    osita iheme in four states of facial expressions ranging from disgust to unconcern

    Read Next: How to Spot an Ex-Lagosian Living in Abuja

    Victor Daniel

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  • The Different Types Of Muslims You’ll Find At Jum’ah Service

    The latecomers.

    This category of people wait till it’s almost time for prayer before leaving the office or work and you can find them always rushing to meet up with prayers. Their mantra when they meet anyone on the road is “have they prayed?”

    Front row gang.

    These people come like 4hours before service, they help to set up, clean, and they usually occupy the front row. Chances are that they are workers in the mosque.

    Sleepers.

    Their mode of operation is to look for where they can rest their backs immediately they get into the mosque. You find them paying earnest attention one minute, and the next minute, they have dozed off. At one point everyone has been a sleeper.

    Businessman on the phone.

    Their default line is usually “I dey mosque, make I call you back.” They can do this for like 20 calls. From their phone pouches, oud perfume, and traditional attire, you just know they are businessmen.

    The uninterested ones.

    Little children running about that have no interest in whatever is going on. You can always catch their parents chasing them up and down. Their job is to run and climb the backs of adults and make weird noises. The tired faces of their parents tell you all you need to know about them.

    Shoe keepers.

    They spend 10minutes after ablution looking for the best place to keep their shoes. Always watching over it and making sure no one places their shoe on theirs. Some even go as far as putting it on the window near where they want to pray.

    Greeters.

    They know everyone in the mosque and they are always greeting up and down. Look left, Salam Alaykum, look right, Salam Alaykum. The whole mosque knows them and they know the whole mosque. If you are rushing somewhere after Jumah, they will definitely delay you.

    Talkers.

    They are usually talking in loud voices about something from work and what not while the sermon is going on. They don’t understand the bad eye you try to give them for silence and they are oblivious to how loud they are.

    Nice ones.

    May Allah bless these ones. Always refilling everyone’s kettle for ablution, and also, if there is a need to buy water for ablution, they always lead the charge. Always ready to assist in anything the mosque needs.

    Sellers/Buyers.

    Is any Jumah after service complete without you buying nice baffs after? Different caps, jalamia, hijab, and incense to upgrade your halal style on sale. Also, this is the best place to buy yummy dates to eat after prayers.

    Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments section.

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • Whether you work in a small office or a big corporation, you’re definitely going to meet all sorts of people. Here are 10 types of people you probably have in your office right now! 

    1. Early birds/night owls

    You know, those people that are always the first in and last out. The ones that’ll have you wondering if there is someone chasing them from their houses. You’re making the rest of us look bad, uncle!

    2. Perpetual latecomers

    Loool those ones that can’t be on time to work unless by a divine act of God. They are usually the most creative people because they have to come up with a new lie every day.

    3. Style icons

    These ones don’t come to play; they come to slay. Our colleagues that even on casual Fridays wear three-piece suits and six-inch heels with full makeup. You’ll just be looking at them and thinking “you have power o…”

    4. Always sleepy

    These ones are always ‘offline’. Small quiet like this, or if the boss steps out, they’re already making their way to dreamland. It’s an amazing something.

    5. Chatterboxes

    The ones that if you mistakenly even look their way, they will start talking about any and everything. Just shoot me!

    6. Forever cold

    Even if it’s 80 degrees outside, there is always that one colleague that is always cold. Always. Any small thing “please put off the AC now. You want to kill somebody?”

    7. Office gossip

    The way these ones are always gathering and spilling tea, you just have to wonder how they get anything done. You’ll even start to fear them because their powers are too great for you to comprehend.

    8. Salespeople

    Then we have the salespeople. The ones who have great entrepreneurial spirits and are always selling one thing or the other. They’ll try to sell every useless trinket, and try to pressure or guilt you into buying. No, bro.

    9. Assistant boss

    These are the guys that once given a little responsibility, let it get to their head and they start feeling like the boss. If I slap you ehn, your swollen head will reduce.

    10. Ghost worker

    Now, these ones are the people that if you see them in your office, you wonder if there’s a new employee, even though they’ve been working there for 3 years. They’re so quiet and reserved, they’re pretty much invisible. Ghosts.

    Sade

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  • 1. People that wear white in public transport and somehow don’t get stained.

    How do you do it?!

    2. Girls that fix insanely long nails and can somehow still do other stuff.

    How do you not injure yourselves when wiping after using the toilet?

    3. People that live on the mainland but work on the Island and vice versa.

    The fact that the stress of the daily traffic jam hasn’t completely taken the life force out of you is amazing.

    4. People that can fall asleep the moment their head hits a pillow.

    Please give us your magic.

    5. People that know and actually like Maths.

    Nawa oh.

    6. People that can eat anything and everything they want and not gain weight.

    When you people are ready, give us the name of your babalawo.

    More Zikoko!

    11 Types Of Teachers Everybody Had In Secondary School

    Astor George

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  • 7 Kinds of People You’ll Meet At The ATM

    1. The Queue Prefect

    This one likes to watch the line and make sure nobody is cutting the queue or trying to take another person’s space. They will fight you if you argue with them. Just jejely obey and stand where they tell you to.

    2. The “I was here before” people

    They’re always saying “I was here before”, even though nobody really remembers them being there before.

    3. The “please can I enter?” people

    These ones don’t want to spend too long on the queue, so they’ll be begging everybody on the line to give them space.

    4. The Lord of the Cards

    These ones are Baba card holders. Master of the cards. They will come with five ATM cards and will nearly finish all the money from the machine by the time they finish withdrawing.

    5. The “I’m at your back” people

    They are always at your back. They will go and find somewhere to sit and leave you there protecting their space. As if you too don’t know how to find sit too.

    6. The ones that’ll spend 100 years trying to use the machine

    They don’t know how to use the ATM but instead of them to ask somebody to help them, they’ll be forming bahd guy.

    7. The ones that’ll print receipt only to throw it away

    https://twitter.com/omoissy/status/861915217428705280
    Like, why’d you even bother then?

    And now, here’s a post on all the things we hate about queuing at the ATM:

    https://zikoko.com/list/else-hates-atm-queues/

    Ronke Otega

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  • 11 Things Skinny People Are Absolutely Tired Of Hearing

    1. “You’re so skinny, do you even eat?”

    No. I survive on water and oxygen.

    2. “Let me carry you, I’m sure you don’t have any weight”

    Of course. I am not made of matter. I have no weight and I occupy no space.

    3. “Look at you, you’re just skin and bones”

    Hello! Who asked you?

    4. “Tini beku…longitude”

    Just…shut up. Like, shut up.

    5. “Your stomach is so flat it’s like a table”

    Come and draw on it now. Oya, come.

    6. “Why are you exercising? Do you want to disappear?”

    Because they told you exercise is for only fat people abi?

    7. “You should be a model”

    You should just keep quiet. So because I am skinny means I have a career in modelling abi?

    8. “But why are you so skinny?”

    Like, why? Just answer me.

    9. “You should be eating more”

    You should be minding your business.

    10. For women: “Don’t worry, when you get pregnant you’ll become fatter”

    Who asked you?

    11. For men: “Don’t worry, when you get married you’ll become fatter”

    Can you mind your business?

    Ronke Otega

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  • 7 Types Of People You See At Every Party

    1. The Raging Alcoholic

    Everyone knows that there is always alcohol at parties and that people get drunk. That’s the way parties work but there is always that one person that overdoes it with the drinking, gets insanely drunk and eventually starts causing wahala. That is the Raging Alcoholic. He will get drunk, cause trouble and will eventually get thrown out. If you’ve never seen a Raging Alcoholic then chances are YOU are the Raging Alcoholic. Go and get help biko.

    2. The Professional DJ

    This person is NOT a professional DJ. This person just thinks that their taste in music is so awesome that they should decide the music everybody at the party dances to. This person does this by disturbing the actual DJ and making song requests like they’re a 6 year old at a children’s party. The annoying thing is that this person, 100% of the time, has a terrible taste in music. This person usually doesn’t get thrown out but if YOU do throw them out, everyone will thank you.

    3. The Obvious Introvert

    The fact that people are at parties shows that they are at least trying to socialize. The Obvious Introvert however will not even try. You’ll see them sitting in a corner looking uncomfortable or scrolling on their phone. Half the time they’re not even drinking! Like, WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!

    4. The Obvious Extrovert

    This is that person that’ll just show up to the party and start making noise. They’ll grab the first drink they see (even if it’s in someone else’s hands) and start greeting everybody by hugging or violently shaking hands like they’re trying to remove people’s wrists. We know you’re sociable and outgoing. You don’t have to prove it to everybody. Calm down abeg.

    5. The Idiot that keeps trying to get everybody to play ‘Devil’s Basket’.

    No one wants to do this! Do you think this is secondary school?  GTFO!

    6. The Trained Dancer

    This one will just enter dance floor and start dancing like they’re fighting kung-fu. If you stand too close to them when they start, you will injure.

    7. That one person that refuses to leave when the party is over.

    This person might low-key be homeless and is probably just looking for a place to crash. Then again if you decide to be a good Samaritan and let him spend the night, there’s a chance he’ll steal everything you own before morning so it’s probably best if you just throw him out.

    If you enjoyed reading this (which of course you did) read this next article about 17 things you’ll immediately recognize if you’ve been to a Nigerian house party.

    17 Things That Are Too Real For Anyone Who Has Ever Attended A House Party In Nigeria

    Astor George

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  • 5 Kinds of People You’ll Find In Every WhatsApp Group

    If you are on WhatsApp, you most likely would have found yourself in or are even presently in one or three or more groups.

    And if you’ve been in a WhatsApp group, you’re sure to find these five kinds of people:

    1. The BroadCasters

    They just love to send broadcast messages anyhow. They could have a future in mass communication if they wanted. From videos to images to lengthy posts that require endless re-posting for their potency, these ones will not hesitate to send it all.

    2. The Opinion-Seekers

    They will bring a topic to the group so that everyone can fight. They’ll add occasional words to keep the discussion alive and then sit back and watch people argue.

    3. The Information-Seekers

    These ones always get lost and need reminding on whatever information had been passed across in the group.

    4. The Questionnaires

    These ones bring all their questions, worries and concerns to the group chat because their Google subscription has expired and the next option is to ask the WhatsApp group.

    5. The Participant-Observer

    These ones don’t like to talk too much. They’ll just come and go like ghost in a Nollywood film.

    Ronke Otega

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  • 8 Kinds of People You Meet At The Cinema

    1. The Foodies

    christmas food. December.
    For these ones, watching a movie at the cinema is never complete without some food to go with it. And this is not just the regular popcorn, shawarma/hotdog with soda kind of food. I’m talking Shoprite spaghetti/seafood paella with fried chicken. There are even those that will go traditional with a bowl of amala and gbegiri to enjoy their movie. Yes. You read that right. Amala and its trusted sidekick, gbegiri.

    2. The Inquisitioners

    These ones can ask so many questions during the course of the movie that you’ll start to wonder if you’re in the cinema or in the examination hall writing JAMB. From the beginning of the movie, they’ll want to know who Dreamworks is and why there is a boy sitting on the moon. “Aunty, watch and find out na”.

    3. The Ones Who Come With Spoilers

    Also known as the ITKs, these ones will be feeling like they joined to act the movie. They’re constantly dropping hints on various scenes in the movie and can very well ruin the surprise for you – especially if the surprise was all that you were looking forward to. They’ll be forming, “I know what happens”. Uncle, who asked you?

    4. The Scream Queens

    These ones just like to shout. Whether it’s a horror movie, action movie or romantic comedy, their mouths are perpetually open and screaming, “Ooh! Ahh! Aww! Eeww!” Any sound that can be made will be made by them. There is no such thing like a quiet cinema when they are around.

    5. The Commentators

    They are almost like the ones that give spoilers except they don’t know anything about the movie so they just comment on everything that is happening like the entire cinema can’t see it for themselves. They’ll be shouting, “You see, you see, he’ll kiss her now”. Err…oga, we know.

    6. The Ones Who Wait For Post Credit Scenes

    These are the ones that know whazzup. They did not come to the cinema to play. They are the real movie buffs that know to wait after the movie looks like it has finished because they know that the best part is always saved for last. As per, bottom pot na im sweet pass.

    7. The Ones Who Don’t Wait For The Post Credit Scenes

    These ones are just learners. If by 2017 you haven’t learned to wait for post credit scenes after a movie, you definitely know nothing. Or you don’t care. Either way, these ones who walk out immediately after the movie are either JJCs (Johnny Just Come) or IJDWF ( I Just Dey Watch Feem), and they’re all missing out on something special.

    8. The Ones Who Just Come To Canoodle

    For these set of cinema goers, it’s not about the movie or the post credit scene, they just came to find a place to conduct their funny business. Maybe it’s the dark ambiance of the cinema, the soft chairs or the fact that they feel nobody can hear or see them. Whatever the case, coming to the cinema for these ones is about more than screaming at the screen. They usually prefer sitting in the corners to avoid being spotted, but we all know what they’re doing in the dark.
    Check out all the things you stand to benefit when you move over to Etisalat’s EasyCliq 2.0. Click here or on the ‘Learn More’ button below to find out more about EasyCliq 2.0!

    Now here’s a complete list of all the stressful things that involve going to the cinema:

    https://zikoko.com/list/all-the-stress-that-comes-with-going-to-the-cinema-in-nigeria/

    Ronke Otega

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  • 1. The Newbies

    They’re easy to spot because they obviously have no idea what they’re doing. If it’s a guy, he’ll probably be too proud to ask for help until a dumbbell crushes his big toe. This won’t happen to a newbie girl sha because chances are she’s already getting all the help she needs from the guys there.

    2. The New Year Resolutioners

    You usually see them around the beginning of the year. They’re the ones that make new year’s resolutions to eat healthy and exercise more so for the first few days of the year they try their best to keep this promise they’ve made to themselves. Eventually the flesh gets weak and will power dies so they vanish before the middle of January. Never to be seen again until the same time next year.

    3. The Slay Queens

    They’re always dressed in needlessly stylish gym clothes and are ALWAYS in full makeup. They never stress themselves too much so  their makeup won’t get ruined by sweat. You’ll find them in front of the gym mirrors, taking selfies and making Snapchat videos. This is pretty much the only reason they’re at the gym. So they can take pictures and upload to Instagram later with the caption #FITFAM.

    4. The Gym Junkies

    These ones know damn well what they’re doing because they’ve been doing it for years. You can’t miss them. They’re built like tree trunks. They can poke out your eye with their chest. The damage they would inflict on you, if you got in a fight with one of them, would be so great it would affect your unborn children. If you’re a newbie looking for fitness advice, don’t go to these guys. They’ve forgotten what it’s like to be new so they’ll most likely give you advice that if you follow, will end with you getting injured.

    5. The Oversabis

    These ones are just there to give unsolicited advice to everybody. They’re the ones that will see someone trying to lose weight and start telling them nonsense like, “You have to do 5000 power skips on one leg” OR “If you really want to lose weight you have to skip breakfast AND dinner” which of course is terrible advice. Also, under the pretext of “telling it like it is”, they can be very rude. They usually prey on the newbies.

    6. The Observers

    I only added this category so I could acknowledge myself. I played this role so I could write this article. You’re welcome.

    If you plan on joining #FitFam, you should read this next article so you don’t embarrass yourself when you finally join a gym.

    That Time I Disgraced Myself At The Gym

    Astor George

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  • 5 People You’ll Meet When Travelling With Public Transport In Nigeria

    1. The Sleepers

    They are the Head Sleepers of the Sleep Society. If you have the slight misfortune of sitting next to them, expect to have your shoulder become their pillow. You should also expect to find their slight spittle mixed lightly with sweat on your clothes.

    2. The Eaters

    If it comes wrapped up in something and sold in trays balanced on heads, these ones are buying. It is not wise to part them from their food. They’re generally the first to ask the driver where he is stopping to eat. Merchandise of choice usually includes but are not limited to; Gala, Chinchin, Akara and Bread, Boiled eggs, Ekpa etc. Consequently, they also will regularly request to relieve themselves on the way.

    3. The Debaters

    For these ones, a journey is always an opportunity to get on the debating stage, and it doesn’t take much to get them rolling. Topics generally include any popular issue. From Daddy Bubu’s frequent holidays to the abroad to whistle-blowing and finding money in strange places. All it takes is the bus bouncing over a small pothole in the road and away they go. But try to steer clear of the general area surrounding their mouths, they tend to be spitters as well. Although, it’s not their fault, all that talking has made their lips numb.

    4. The Cellcoholic *Yes, it is a word

    You can tell them by the earpiece/headset in their ears or the phone pressed tightly to their heads. From personal to business call, they’ll make it all. By the end of the journey you’ll start to feel like you know them better. “Don’t worry Brother Ignatius, the container will come in on time”.

    5. The Assistant Drivers

    As the name implies, they’re the driver’s second-in-command. Usually riding shotgun, or in the row behind the driver, their functions include but are also not limited to; – Helping the driver see sudden, upcoming potholes – Warning the driver of an oncoming trailer – Monitoring the driver’s speed and keeping tabs on fuel level.

    So the next time you’re travelling with public transport in Nigeria, keep watch for these 5 people.

    And if you look closely, you might just realize that one of them is you! Here are five other kinds of people you’ll always find in any group setting.
    Check out all the things you stand to benefit when you move over to Etisalat’s EasyCliq 2.0. Click here or on the ‘Learn More’ button below to find out more about EasyCliq 2.0!

    Ronke Otega

    , , ,

  • 1. Those football fans that are ready to tear you slap if you say anything bad about their team

    2. Those IJGB people that add ‘wanna’ ‘gonna’ to everything, just so you know they’re not from around here

    3. Those Nigerian elders that are ready to starve themselves before collecting anything you give them with your left hand

    4. Those Uber drivers that have everything, plus sweet, plus wi-fi,, plus hand fan in case AC is too much for you

    5. Has anyone entered those corner shops that sell everything? if you want to buy jeans, nut you quickly want to make fish soup after, they have everything you’re looking for

    6. Those annoying students that won’t tear the middle sheets of their notes, maybe they’re keeping it for their children to use

    7. Those blessed suya men that aren’t afraid to add a little extra pepper for you, we see you guys!

    Boyin Plumptre

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  • 1. The ones that always want you to help them carry ‘small load’ for their family in the abroad

    Did they tell you I’m DHL?

    2. The one that went to charter hip-hop baffs to travel

    You think it’s easy to travel? Please leave him oh.

    3. Those ones that come with their whole village to do send off at the airport

    Even their best friend from Primary two can be there, iz not a joking sturvz.

    4. The rich kids that just sharply want to pick something up in London, and will be back by the weekend

    Muzz be nice!

    5. The ones that haven’t even travelled yet, but accent is just doing their body to speak

    Maybe they dash accents in the airport.

    6. The ones that pack as if they’re expecting a famine where they’re going to

    Haba, calm down!

    7. The ones that have forgotten who the President of the US is, and still want to travel there

    It’s like you don’t know what’s doing you

    Boyin Plumptre

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  • 12 People You Need To Survive In Nigeria
    Surviving Nigeria requires you having a guy for everything from making clothes to getting into a club. To help all the “learners” out there, we have compiled the ultimate Nigerian “connects” survival kit.

    1. A tailor to keep you looking “frosh”

    You need someone to sew aso ebi for the party you want to crash with little or no notice.

    2. A backup tailor in case your regular tailor is having brain touch

    If your tailor does not have this kind of poster he/she doesn’t know the work oh!

    3. A mechanic

    Lagos roads will destroy your car for you and you need a mechanic that will only cheat you small because they fear God.

    4. A cab guy

    For when your mechanic said “3 days” but actually mean anytime between now and the end of days.

    5. An electrician

    For when Nepa decides to send too much light and blows all your electric appliances.

    6. A hairdresser or barber

    One that can help you “plait Alicia Keys” or “barb Obama” style.

    7. A mallam

    Because these banks and Bureau De Change people think they can use sense but you have a guy!

    8. “Customers” in the market

    To give you the best deals and discounts when there is tomato scarcity.

    9. A DVD/download guy

    To hook you up with the latest movies and episodes from your favourite series!

    10. An NYSC guy

    To “help” you serve your country in the most stress free manner possible.

    11. A bouncer guy

    So that you don’t disgrace yourself outside the club and can stroll in with confidence.

    12. A police guy

    In case you enter trouble he can sort out one or two things sharply!

    Jola Ayeye

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  • 14 People You Will Meet At A Nigerian Wedding

    1. The power hungry bouncers

    These ones want you to call them “chairman” one million times before they allow you enter, even though you have an invite.

    2. The dancing waiter

    There’s always one waiter that forgets his tray carrying work and starts giving some hot steps!

    3. The enthusiastic photographer

    Ready to lie down on the dance-floor to get the “perfect shot”. Baba take it easy oh!

    4. The cassanova groomsman

    Every woman there is a possible target. No one is safe oh! Not even great grandmothers.

    5. The very excited mother of the bride

    This is actually her wedding. The bride and groom are just attending.

    6. The desperate bridesmaid

    She wants to meet every single eligible bachelor there and treats the tossing of the bouquet like it’s an olympic sport.

    7. The tipsy uncle

    Has a little to drink and starts disturbing all the bride’s friends even though his wife is watching him.

    8. The stingy caterer

    These ones act like they are not being paid to provide food oh. So stingy!

    9. The “mo gbo mo ya” guest

    Does not know the bride or groom. Came strictly for the party with no shame or regrets!

    10. The souvenir hustler

    Ready to fight for her right to that bucket and bottle opener if need be!

    11. The bored cousin

    There is always a relative of the bride or groom that is clearly attending the wedding by force and is not happy to be there.

    12. The judging aunties

    They are there to pass judgement on any and everyone at that event. Including you!

    13. The oversabi couple

    It’s not their wedding but everyone must see they are in love at someone else’s wedding oh!

    14. The oversabi MC

    He will do more than the bride, groom, waiters, relatives and everybody combined. Uncle face your talk talk work and go!

    Jola Ayeye

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  • Nigerian Conversation Starters You’ve Probably Already Heard Today

    1. “So you can’t greet!”

    Nigerians act like the sun rises and sets by you greeting them first.

    2. “Na wa for this our government sha!”

    Once you mention this, people will begin to talk about their latest escapades!

    3. “Essss fine girl!”

    For some men, the best way to start conversation is to kiss their lips at you and shout. We’re yet to see who that has worked for.

    4. “Abeg do you have change?”

    No one that needs change ever has it; and it has started many a conversation.

    5. “Ehen oh good morning oh!”

    That “ehen” is an indication that there is more conversation coming after the greeting.

    6. “Please oh, don’t be angry but …”

    This usually comes right before a rude statement that will provoke you.

    7. “Everything in the market has now cost!”

    Nothing makes conversation flow like complaining about the economy going to hell in a hand basket.

    8. “This sun/rain/harmattan na wa oh!”

    Just like  English people, gisting about how hot, cold, rainy or dusty it is, will get people talking.

    9. “My brother/sister how are you today?”

    Whether or not you are related to them is unimportant. Talk-talk is about to commence!

    10. “What is Buhari even doing gan sef?”

    He is fighting kwarupshin and travelling oh!

    11. Any newspaper headline in sight!

    Especially when it has to do with corruption cases!

    Jola Ayeye

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  • 13 Types Of People You’ll Meet In Every Danfo

    1. That person that smells like they used fish to bath.

    Oga, you no go like use deodrant?

    2. That ‘pharmacist’ selling a N200 cure for HIV, premature ejaculation and unemployment.

    Add extra N100 and the drug will cure deafness, eye problem and will even help you marry.

    3. That person that sha turns you into their pillow by force.

    You entered bus single, now you have bae.

    4. That human ATM that brings out a N1000 note to pay for a N50 fare.

    This one doesn’t know where he is. If the conductor doesn’t tell him to get out, he should thank God.

    5. That JJC that has no idea where they are even going.

    This one will spend the entire trip asking “are we there yet?” and they will still somehow miss their bus-stop.

    6. That pastor that turns the entire trip into a sunday service, complete with testimony and offering.

    Immediately you hear “praise The Lord” just get ready.

    7. That person on the phone that swears they are in a meeting.

    Why da fuq you lying?

    8. That paranoid person that spends the entire trip shouting “conductor, where my change?”

    Oga they will give you your N50. don’t go and have a stroke.

    9. That orobo that will crush everyone on their row and still have the liver to be shouting “shift”

    They will now be shouting like they paid for extra seat.

    10. That ‘comedian’ that thinks the bus is night of a thousand laughs.

    This one is always looking for any reason to crack one unfunny joke or the other,

    11. That shakara person that won’t collect their change from the conductor unless the note is mint.

    This one thinks they are in a bank. If the conductor answers them, they are lucky.

    12. That amebo that thinks two of you are now sharing one phone.

    This one is more interested in what you’re pressing on your phone than the bus-stop they are supposed to be dropping.

    13. That old person that spends the entire trip complaining about the driver’s speed, even when the bus is not moving..

    Well, they did not enter bus to die.

    Daniel Orubo

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  • 12 People You Will Meet At A Nigerian Bank
    Going to a bank anywhere in Nigeria can be a very frustrating experience sometimes, but it can also be extremely amusing. The people you meet at any time can either make it worse or better for you.

    1. The “ATM is not working” people

    These ones are so quick to yell “ATM no dey work”. Brother nobody asked you.

    2. The ones that want to enter the metal detector with you

    No patience. No respect for personal space. These are the kind of people that will want to enter bathroom with you if they can.

    3. The gateman that is very extra

    “How is the week sir?”, “how is work?”, “can I clean your shoe for you?”, “let me help you hold your bag”. Brother calm down. Relax.

    4. The pen borrowers

    “Please can I borrow your pen”, “do you have an extra pen”. These are the ones that never took biros to an exam hall.

    5. “Amatyour back please”

    Nigerians never fail to do this. It’s like the rising of the sun. Just stay on the line yourself you won’t die now.

    6. The impatient liars

    “I was in front of you before you came”, “please my wife is in labor I need to cash this cheque quickly”. Are you serious right now sir?

    7. The cashier that never has network

    These ones are probably trying to bat their score on Solitaire or catching up on some gossip blog. They don’t even let you finish your question… “Please ma what is today’s dat..” “network is down”.

    8. The ones that don’t know how to fill forms

    These people are only pure stress. They will make you fill out about 10 different forms in the name of “I didn’t bring my glasses”. Please bring your glasses to the bank next time uncle.

    9. The cashier that wants to give you N100 notes for a N10,000 withdrawal

    Nothing as annoying as this happening. “we only have N100 notes” please keep it. It is me you want armed robbers to notice?

    10. The oversabi customer service rep

    These ones always go and ask their bosses for everything, have a company manual they consult before they do anything, and will ask you to bring your grandfather’s cap, the blood of an owl, Nnamdi Azikiwe’s NEPA bill and 10 other documents to collect your ATM. why?

    11. The Fraudsters

    “Please can you help me use this ATM card”, “I want to deposit money in your bank account and you will send it to me”. Not today Satan. Just run away.

    12. The show offs

    These ones walk into the bank and flash the cash so the N2,050 in your account begins to irritate you.

    Tobi Smith

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  • The People’s Choice: The Real Nigerian Ministerial Screening

    This is where, we, the People, say what we really think!

    [zkk_poll post=7860 poll=content_block_standard_format_0] [zkk_poll post=7860 poll=content_block_standard_format_1] [zkk_poll post=7860 poll=content_block_standard_format_2] [zkk_poll post=7860 poll=content_block_standard_format_3] [zkk_poll post=7860 poll=content_block_standard_format_4] [zkk_poll post=7860 poll=content_block_standard_format_5] [zkk_poll post=7860 poll=content_block_standard_format_6] [zkk_poll post=7860 poll=content_block_standard_format_7] [zkk_poll post=7860 poll=content_block_standard_format_8] [zkk_poll post=7860 poll=content_block_standard_format_9]

    Odunayo

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  • QUIZ: What Kind Of Lifestyle Are You Living?

    As Nigerians, how we live our lives differs individually. Take this quiz now and we’ll disclose what type of lifestyle you’re living. Who knows, you might need to cut soap for us oh.

    Susan Nwaobiala

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