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  • Love Life: I Moved To Nigeria To Be With Her

    Love Life: I Moved To Nigeria To Be With Her

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Love Life: I Moved To Nigeria To Be With Her

    Bibi, 33, and Kelly, 27, have been dating for about four years. In today’s episode of Love Life, they talk about how they met online and transitioned from a long-distance relationship to a live-in couple. 

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Kelly: I think mine is the first time we had drinks at a hotel in Dubai. I can’t forget it. Babe opened the champagne as we looked at each other. I was thinking, “OMG, we are actually here right now.” 

    Bibi: I feel bad because her answer is cute and mine is not so much. I got to Dubai before her, so I had to pick her up from the airport. When she saw me, she was so nervous and excited that her bag dropped from her hand. It was embarrassing. 

    So how did you two meet? What was before the Dubai trip? 

    Kelly: We met on Instagram in 2017. Someone made a pussy challenge post and Babe commented on it. I thought that even if she wasn’t into girls, she wouldn’t be homophobic. 

    Bibi: After the comment, I noticed that someone was liking my pictures. I checked the notifications and saw her picture. She looked nice, so I went through the rest of her page. I didn’t really understand how social media worked then because I went to watch her story, and I didn’t know she could see that I had viewed it. I posted a story a few days after that, she commented on it and that’s how we started talking. 

    Kelly: It’s not everybody you meet for the first time you start asking personal questions, but we clicked. She told me things about herself, and I told her things about me too. We couldn’t stop talking. It was when she had to go to work, that we realised how long we had been talking. She lived in Canada then and I was in Nigeria, so it was past noon when she had to go. We continued chatting and became really close friends even before the subject of dating came up. 

    Who made the move to go from friends to lovers?

    Bibi: I was going through a bad breakup at the time and she was too. One day in the middle of our conversation, I told her I was going to marry her, that I felt like she’s the one. She said, “I bet you tell all the other girls that.” 

    Before that, I was trying to find out if she was into girls or not, so I asked if she had a boyfriend. She said no and asked me the same thing. Then I asked if she had a girlfriend and she paused — I could see her online, but she didn’t reply for a few minutes. 

    Kelly: You know how Nigeria is — you can’t just go telling everyone that you’re a lesbian.

    Bibi: At the time, I was going through a tough situation with my ex. We had been dragging it out for months, and at that point, we had decided to let things go. But being who I am, I wanted to do it in person. I arranged for the two of us to meet in Dubai. 

    I told Kelly about it and she was sad, but I assured her that I was going to keep her in the loop. We couldn’t even stop talking. Throughout the Dubai trip, I was on the phone with her. After I ended things with my ex, we continued talking and everything just seemed great. It was obvious we liked each other and connected deeply, but I am the type of person that you have to ask out, so it wasn’t official yet.

    In May 2018, I arranged for another trip in Dubai for me and Kelly to meet. It was a nice trip for both of us. I remember us watching the royal wedding and feeling so emotional that we started crying. As we were crying, Kelly looked at me and asked me to be her girlfriend. 

    What happened afterwards? 

    Kelly: After two weeks, I returned to Lagos and she returned to Canada. It was very sad for both of us because we realised that we were in a long-distance relationship. Every three months, Babe would visit Nigeria, spend a few weeks, then go back. One time in 2019, she spent two months and when it was time to go, it was really tough. It took about six or seven months before we saw each other again. 

    I knew I wanted to be with her, so we struggled together through it. Sometimes we would have fights and decide to break up because of the distance. It was hard, but we are here now. We’ve been living together for about seven months now.

    How did that happen? 

    Bibi: Last year, I decided to come to Nigeria for Kelly’s birthday because we had never celebrated any birthdays together. I was supposed to visit again in December 2019, but I stayed back to work so I could raise enough money for a nice time together. Then COVID hit. I got an email from the flight company that my flight was cancelled and they didn’t know when they would be flying again. Shortly after, the lockdown happened and everything started crumbling. 

    Our fights got worse, and we weren’t sure if we were going to see each other again. When flights resumed, I got COVID and it was terrible. Babe couldn’t get to me and I couldn’t get to her. We started talking about what would happen if I passed on. I had COVID for about eight weeks, and even after I got a negative result, I was still down with post-COVID symptoms, so I couldn’t fly. 

    After I got cleared, I wanted to come to Nigeria, but Nigeria had banned international flights. There was a flight going to Cotonou but when you got there, you had to use a bike to get to the border. I booked it. I also found another flight going to a South African country; I booked that as well. I booked a lot of flights because I was desperate. I was getting ready for the Cotonou trip when I got an email that they had updated their travel rules — I would have to get tested in Cotonou and spend up to a week there before leaving for anywhere else. 

    How did you feel about that?

    I was born and bred in Canada — I have never lived anywhere else, so I was really scared. Babe couldn’t come to Cotonou because of the travel restrictions in Nigeria. She was crying, worried about me going to Cotonou, but I was like, “Babe, we are going to do this.” Two days before the flight, I got an email that there was an emergency flight leaving from Canada and going straight to Lagos. In those moments, looking for flights, I realised that the most important thing to me was my relationship with babe. I decided I wasn’t even coming to visit anymore — I was coming to stay. 

    Right away, I bought containers and started throwing my belongings in it, but because I had been booking flights, I was low on cash so I couldn’t send my stuff to Nigeria. I was worried about it for a while but one day, on my way back from buying another container for my stuff, my neighbour saw me and asked if I was sending it to Nigeria. He said he was sending a bus to Nigeria and it was empty. He asked to ship my containers with his bus at no cost at all. I jumped on it even though Babe was skeptical. 

    I carried our dog, Coco with me and jumped on that emergency flight within a week. There was a lot of news about flights getting cancelled so I was really anxious about the plane actually moving. When the pilot announced that we were ready to take off, I was on video call with Kelly and  just started crying. 

    I am claustrophobic. I get bad panic attacks I take medication for on flights, but that day, I didn’t care. 

    I remember coming out of the airport and seeing this beautiful, amazing person holding a bouquet of roses. In that moment, I didn’t even care that I was in Nigeria and people are homophobic; I ran to her and started kissing her. Everyone was looking at us. Some people even shouted. That’s how I moved here. I didn’t even tell people at my office I was moving. After two months they asked when I was coming back, and I was like, you’re never gonna see me again. LOL. 

    Was there any pushback from your family when you moved?  

    Bibi: My family knew about Kelly already. My brothers are her biggest fans. I didn’t want to tell anyone about it when I was planning my trip because flights kept getting canceled, and I didn’t want to put my family through that roller coaster. 

    After I boarded, I called my brothers and told them I’m going to Nigeria. They asked if I was going to be safe, and when I said yes, they said they understood and they loved us. When I got to Nigeria, I called my mom and the first question she asked was, “Where is Kelly?” I handed Kelly the phone. When she confirmed I was safe, she said alright, bye. They knew I was in good hands. 

    What’s the best part of the relationship?

    Kelly: I have a friend. I know it sounds silly. I was telling her this morning that I never had someone I could be this open and honest with. We’ve been in a relationship for four years, and I’ve grown so much that it’s not just about us being partners, it’s about our friendship. Every morning I wake up and I’m excited to hang out with my friend. 

    Bibi: Aww. I have always been in relationships where I put everything in and didn’t get anything back. The best part of this is the matched energy. When we started talking, I told her every single thing about myself, even the embarrassing stuff. She was like my diary — I could go to her and pour everything that I feel without filters. Even when I do something wrong, I am able to tell her honestly how I fucked up and that’s very special to me. 

    What was your worst fight like? 

    Bibi: We’ve been in a relationship for so long but in reality, we haven’t because we haven’t been in the same space for a long time. Long distance relationships are perfect because conversations happen over the phone. I could call her when I’m upset and she would cheer me up, but she doesn’t get to see me on days I’m overwhelmed. When we started living together, we would have fights because we didn’t know certain things about each other. We got to a point where we believed that we were not compatible and decided to break up. I was going to move back to Canada and we were asking who was going to get the dog among both of us. It was a big deal, but she went on a walk and when she came back, we started crying. 

    After a while, we talked about why we were crying. It turned out we both really wanted to be the relationship. We accepted that we didn’t have to be the exact same person we were over the phone — we could evolve, and we had to put in the work for the relationship to work. 

    Do you remember what caused the fight? 

    Kelly: On my way to the gym, I was using my phone. I recently started driving and Bibi always tells me to leave my phone alone. That day, I hit someone with the car. It made a small dent. 

    Bibi: Don’t add small or big o. Just tell the story. 

    Kelly: I tell Babe everything, but I knew that one would make her upset. One day, she saw the dent and asked me what happened. I told her I didn’t know how to say it because she would be upset. She said I didn’t know her. I didn’t understand. I thought it was about the dent, which was a small thing to me. 

    Bibi: Driving distracted is huge to me because my brother died from an accident. When that happened, I felt betrayed. It wasn’t about the dent. I was worried that Kelly had something that she couldn’t tell me. I didn’t understand that she didn’t want to let me down. I didn’t see it from that angle — I was more concerned she kept it a secret. She was like, “It’s a car, I’ll fix it,” and I said it wasn’t about the dent. That’s how we started talking about how we don’t know each other. 

    What is your favourite thing about your relationship? 

    Kelly: I love how she makes my food. Babe is obsessed with how she serves her food. With her, it’s not just rice; she would have other things on the side like eggs, plantain in cute shapes that make it more interesting. Those little details are my favorite thing about being with her. 

    Bibi: I have been through so much in my life. There are stories I don’t tell people, but since the first day I met this person, she has never judged me. I would tell her something shocking and wait for her reaction. Instead of judging me, she would say it’s okay. She would never bring it up again. She would assure me that I am a human being and I am allowed to live. If someone else brings it up around her, she would defend me. 

    Another thing is that I live with a mental health issue. Anytime I have episodes, she would cry and ask God to put it on her. When I had COVID, she wanted to get it too because she didn’t want me to be alone in it. I told her you’re going to die o. Her getting it wouldn’t have done anything for me, but the fact that she didn’t want me to walk through it alone was everything. 

    Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 – 10.

    Kelly: 10. It’s not like we’re perfect, but we are us. 

    Bibi: When it comes to relationships, a lot of people try to portray perfection, but queer relationships are so different. I was taught how to behave in a man’s house, but now I’m in a woman’s house and those rules don’t apply. 

    I rate it a 10 because it’s not perfect, but I don’t want it to be because I feel like perfect is fake. Those hiccups we face helps me understand her more.  

    Subscribe here.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    Mariam Sule

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  • Love Life: We Were Made For Each Other

    Love Life: We Were Made For Each Other

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: We Were Made For Each Other

    Uwem, 33, and Blessing, 27, have been together since 2010. For today’s Love Life, they talk about transitioning from being close friends to lovers and eventually getting married.

    What is your earliest memory of each other?

    Blessing: Well, Uwem was annoying when we first met. 

    Uwem: Geez! 

    Blessing: Oya, tell me what you remember. 

    Uwem: The first time I saw her, we were at rehearsals. We were in the same dance group at Covenant University. You know Covenant University has many rules and breaking any of them is trouble. In our dance group, there was this gist of a girl that reported an issue that got another lady punished. I took the person’s side, because obviously, I had not met Blessing. 

    Blessing: Can you stop telling this story like this? I did not snitch. 

    Uwem: People were talking about it, and I wanted to know who they were talking about. Someone pointed her out to me as the person. That was my first memory of her, but then her ex introduced her to me because we used to be in the same dance group. I used to be everyone’s daddy — someone people felt comfortable talking to about anything. That’s what I remember. 

    Blessing: He wasn’t my school daddy for the record. He was just a daddy to everybody. Let me explain that story to you. I was the floor rep which means I had to monitor the activities of people living on my floor. The lady was on my floor, and she broke one of the rules. Her roommate reported her to the school authorities, but somehow I got accused because I was the floor rep. The whole thing was weird because the girl and I are cool. 

    When Uwem heard that gist, he didn’t know me, so it was easy for him to believe it but when we finally met, he realised I wasn’t that person. 

    The guy Uwem was talking about wasn’t my boyfriend yet, but he wanted to date me. He was also from the opposite dance group. He came to tell Uwem, our dance group daddy, that there was this girl he liked and wanted to talk to, which was me. That was how we all started talking — me, him, Uwem. Uwem’s ex-girlfriend was also there. He found out that I was cool, smart, interesting, fun… 

    Uwem: Hype yourself oh. 

    Blessing: Yup. After that day, every time we saw each other, we would just hang out and gist. We became each other’s confidant. He would tell me about the problems he was experiencing in his relationship at the time, and I would tell him about mine. 

    We moved to Yahoo Messenger and began chatting. His girlfriend broke up with him, we kept chatting. My boyfriend broke up with me, we kept chatting. He went back to his girlfriend, we kept chatting. We tried hooking each other up with other people, didn’t work out, but we kept chatting. We chatted for a really long time sha. 

    And during all this time, you people were not dating? 

    Blessing: It’s difficult to believe, but we were friends and never had any romantic feelings for each other. We just thought, “This person gets me.” 

    Uwem: My guy…

    Blessing: Yeah. This was something most of my guy friends in school, even outside school called me. It annoyed me because I am a babe, but they were comfortable having “guy” conversations with me. 

    Uwem: You need to add that you had very few female friends.

    Blessing: That doesn’t give you people the right to guy-zone me. I knew it was easy to talk to me. We could talk about football, Naruto and actual rubbish. They would share their problems with me, and I would give them advice. That’s how Uwem and I were. We were so close that our partners were always freaking out about our closeness.

    How did you people make the transition from being just guys to being in a romantic relationship? 

    Uwem: It was awkward at first because when you involve emotions in friendships, little things that used to be overlooked become issues, whether or not it’s a problem. 

    Blessing: You are such a philosopher. How did you start liking me? 

    Uwem: I’m getting there. The shift happened at a dinner. It was 2016, and I was leading the Tony Elumelu Entrepreneurship Programme. The CEO then, Parminder Vir, invited me to a dinner and asked me to bring my significant other. Nobody in my office knew Blessing then. It was a top-notch event with important people. Sometime during the dinner, a conversation about Africa’s business development started and Blessing was just sharing her two cents with these people. These were people I revered, but Blessing was engaging them and it was fun. 

    That night when we got home, I asked myself, “What exactly is your plan with Blessing?” She is a rare combination of many things — she’s beautiful, street-smart and book-smart. That night, I asked her out. I thought she said yes because a big part of me wanted it to be yes but this naughty girl said she was going to think about it — I didn’t hear her. For a whole month, I thought I was dating her, meanwhile, I was dating myself. After one month, I sent her a happy anniversary message and this babe said, “Oh, we are dating?” LOL. 

    How did you guys move from dating to getting married?

    Uwem: We dated about three years. I’m the kind of person that likes to build relationships that have end goals. My goal was to build a family made of me and her, build an empire and all that with her. One day I was like, “Why am I wasting my time when I can just propose to this babe?” During this time, Blessing was saying she didn’t want to get married. She wanted a partnership but not a marriage. She told everyone I was her partner, but I wanted something more deliberate.  

    So I spent about a month planning to propose to her. It was July 2018, I got us a private cinema and lied to her that we were planning a company retreat at my office and I wanted her opinion of the cinema experience. I made a short video of all the good times we’ve had together — like our trips to a number of countries and good times we’ve had together. 

    I invited some of our closest friends and her sister. We were just eight because I knew Blessing would like something small. Blessing was particularly difficult that evening. She wanted to wear shorts and slippers because we were supposed to be going to see a movie. Her friends were telling her to wear makeup and she asked if they were going for the Grammys. LOL. It was as if the devil was pushing her that day. Eventually, she wore something nice but still casual. At the cinema and just before the movie, she was surprised to see me on screen talking about how much I loved her, and when she turned to ask me what was going on, I knelt down and asked her to marry me. I felt like if I didn’t hold her, she would have run out of the cinema, but she said yes. 

    What’s the best part of the relationship?

    Uwem: The fact that we can talk to each other. 

    Blessing: Yes, it’s the friendship for me. When I moved to Lagos, he was the only person I was comfortable talking to about my plans. I talk a lot, but I’m not great at sharing the important stuff. So when we started dating, I was worried that we would lose the friendship. We didn’t exactly know how to navigate that. We had to have a conversation about whether we were going to continue as friends or as lovers. 

    Uwem: Because our first fight happened when we started dating. 

    Blessing: Yup, so we decided that no matter what, we would keep the friendship. So far, I think we’ve done a good job. 

    Uwem: Even though you are annoying.

    Blessing: You are the most annoying person in the world but I choose you. We recently agreed on a pact that no matter what, we would cuddle through the night. This is because when I’m annoyed with someone, I can’t stand being around them. I could be in the same room with them, but I can’t talk to them. I feel like that would be pretending we are fine but I also suck at malice. So when he is calling me baby, I’m like, who is your baby? But now, we’ve decided to cuddle it out even when it’s uncomfortable. I think it has helped our fights because after cuddling, we might as well just talk about it. 

    What was your biggest fight about? 

    Uwem: It has to be the couch. 

    Blessing: After Uwem proposed, we decided to move in together, so we got a house. We were doing marriage counselling at this time. Before counselling, we thought we were great at communicating with each other, but counselling helped us see that we weren’t finishing our conversations, which means we both leave conversations with assumptions. 

    A good example was the couch. We both wanted a sectional couch as the centrepiece of the living room, but nobody was specific about what kind of sectional they wanted. So when it was time to buy it, I showed him a minimalist couch that you can’t lie on because I really didn’t want people lying down on my couch, but Uwem wanted a thick sectional couch that was comfortable enough for sleeping. We eventually convinced each other that the other person’s couch might be a better choice. By the time, it was time to buy it, we had reversed roles — Uwem wanted the minimalist couch and I wanted the thick one. That started another round of arguments.  

    We also had these artisans who were working on the house. I don’t know how to pretend something is okay when it isn’t, so when these artisans make something off my specifications, I won’t manage it and I would deduct money for what I’m supposed to pay. Uwem will be like, don’t worry, we can manage it, but after a while, he will start complaining about the same thing. 

    There was a lot of tension around moving in, and at some point, I said I’m not doing again. Now, it sounds trivial, but then it felt like he wasn’t sensitive to how I was feeling and I wasn’t sensitive to him as well. We thought maybe we would have worked better if we were just friends. We went to tell our counsellor, and he laughed at us. He explained that we’re not finishing our conversations. He advised at the end of any conversation, we should ask each other what decisions we have made based on the conversation and the next steps to be taken. 

    He also helped us realise that we were reflecting our love languages on each other. I like acts of service and Uwem likes quality time, so he would be spending time with me when that’s not what I want.  I don’t want you to sit down with me in the kitchen — I want you to relieve some of the burden by washing plates while I’m cooking so I will finish faster. It was a learning moment for both of us and Uwem is so supportive, gosh! I love it.

    What is your favourite thing about each other?

    Uwem: I love that Blessing questions the norm. I am a non-confrontational person, so it can be annoying when she gets contrarian, but it’s something I really like about her. I also think she has a good heart. An example is one time, we bought some electric products from a shop. When we got home, Blessing realised that we were undercharged and she made sure we went back to pay for the product. I remember thinking we had spent all our money buying these things and maybe this was God’s gift to us, but Blessing pushed until we went back and paid for it. That made me like her more. Plus, she’s good company. 

    Blessing: My favourite thing about Uwem is his quest for knowledge. He always wants to know what’s happening. There’s barely anything you ask him about that he doesn’t know at least one thing about it. Even when he doesn’t know, he’s always trying to research and find out.

    I also like how he treats people. He respects people before he even knows them. In all, I love how he treats me. It sounds selfish, but he treats me really well. When he tries to be defensive, he always comes back to me to say, “Babe, it’s both of us in this relationship, both of us against the fight or whatever challenge we’re having.” That friendship is priceless. 

    What are your future plans together?

    Blessing: We are trying to build assets. We have my money, his money and our money. We have the same structure for our savings, our investments and asset building.  We’re focused on building assets as a couple and improving our relationship with each other.  

    Uwem: And having more experiences together. 

    Rate your relationship on a scale of one to 10 and why? 

    Uwem: 10! We joke about this when we are cuddling sometimes. I feel like she was made for me. We are not perfect because I have my issues and she has hers, but when we come together, everything works out. Sometimes I wonder why I am with this troublesome person, but at the end of the day, she’s the best person for me.  I said this in my vows — she makes me a better person. 

    Blessing: Same for me. I like that we are not trying to force each other to be something else. We take each other as we are. 

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    Mariam Sule

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  • Love Life: 5 Of The Most-Read Stories Of 2020

    Love Life: 5 Of The Most-Read Stories Of 2020

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Even though the series has only existed for a few months, writing Love Life has been one of the highlights of my year. From talking to couples to telling their stories, it has been nothing short of exciting.

    Every Love Life story has managed to spark conversations online and that, for me, is a win. As the year ends today, I’d like to share 5 of the most-read (and listened to) Love Life stories to date.

    1. I Still Can’t Believe He’s Gone

    derin and oke love

    Derin, 21, and Oke, 21, had been together for a little over a year before Oke’s tragic death cut their love story short. For this Love Life, Derin talks about how they went from best friends to lovers, and all the plans they had for their future together.

    Read it here.

    2. We Met On Twitter, But I Already Had A Boyfriend

    met on Twitter

    *Kola, 28, and *Cynthia, 27, have been dating for almost six years now. For this Love Life, they talk about finding each other on Twitter, navigating an already-existing relationship, and why they are still yet to have their first major fight.

    Read it here.

    3. How Another Woman Almost Ruined Us

    love life in Nigeria

    *Ginika, 25, and *Jude, 28, have known each other since 2017 and been in a relationship since 2018. For this Love Life, they talk about handling infidelity in their relationship and reaching a compromise in their disagreements.

    Read it here.

    4. His Ex-Fiancee Felt Like The Second Wife

    Love life in Nigeria

    *Yinka, 31, and *Kayode, 32, have known each other for 13 years and have been married for months. For this Love Life, they talk about moving on from an ex, setting boundaries and living in different timezones. 

    Read it here.

    5. We Were Scared Of Going From Best Friends To Lovers

    *Jemimah, 26, and *Nelson, 26, have known each other since 2017, but they only started dating in 2019. For this Love Life, they talk about loving each other while being platonic friends and how scared they were of becoming a couple.

    Read it here.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    [donation]

    Eris Ekanem

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  • Love Life: We Were Scared Of Going From Best Friends To Lovers

    Love Life: We Were Scared Of Going From Best Friends To Lovers

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: We Were Scared Of Going From Best Friends To Lovers

    *Jemimah, 26, and *Nelson, 26, have known each other since 2017, but they only started dating in 2019. For today’s Love Life, they talk about loving each other while being platonic friends and how scared they were of becoming a couple.

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Jemimah: I remember seeing his tweets on my TL, but the first time we met in person was on a Wednesday evening in December 2017. 

    Nelson: My earliest memory of Jemimah is a selfie on my timeline. You see, she’s quite the dresser, even when she’s not trying. I can never forget how cool I thought she looked.

    Is this what made you shoot your shot?

    Jemimah: As surprising as it may seem, I actually sent him a DM first. On the 23rd of November, 2017, I sent a text saying, “Hey! How are you?” and his exact words were, “Wow! I must be dreaming because I can’t believe you’re in my DMs.” He can’t deny his excitement. I have screenshots.

    Wow. A queen with her receipts. 

    Nelson: I was just so happy to get that DM from her. She has always been so cool even on the TL. I’m just there and it was such a pleasant surprise to have someone I fancied from a distance DM me. 

    Jemimah: LMAO. I liked him, and I just wanted to be friends. We’ve been talking every day since then. 

    If you just wanted to be friends, how did dating get into the picture?

    Jemimah: He made quite an impression the first day we hung out. I could tell that he really put in the effort to look good for the date, and it was so sweet. Plus, I liked how he walked and smiled.

    Nelson: I was just there, eager to please her while she was sizing me up. 

    Jemimah: LMAO. We actually stayed friends for two years before we started dating. 

    Omo. 

    Jemimah: Even with all the sexual tension and the fact that we knew we both liked each other, we still kept things strictly platonic.

    Nelson: The bants were epic. We would have long, seemingly endless conversations about everything and anything. Everything she did was so cool to me and still is. 

    Jemimah: Omo! This man is in love oh.

    So, how did the relationship finally become romantic?

    Jemimah: New year’s eve, 2018. Nelson was in church when he sent me a message saying that he was grateful I was in his life and he wants to keep it that way for the new year. So, I thought to myself, this guy likes me and I really like him, but I don’t want to be just friends anymore. 

    Maybe, it’s time to test the water and see if there is something here for us. I waited a while before speaking to a friend. She is not a fan of wasting time, so she encouraged me to get on with it so I could know if he also wanted more or not. 

    Nelson: Simp.

    Jemimah: LMAO. When I asked you if there could be more between us, I could sense your hesitation.

    Nelson: Babe, I really liked you, but I had to be sure it wasn’t something you’d move on from because it wasn’t what you really wanted.

    Jemimah: I get that you were still finding yourself and getting used to the fact that I liked you. I remember your answer being, “I don’t know about right now.” So, I moved on and, thankfully, it didn’t affect me much. 

    Nelson, why exactly did you hesitate?

    Nelson: All my hesitation was from me reeling from my last breakup. You know how you tell yourself that you want to be alone for a while, and then somebody comes along and stretches that resolve to the max.

    Jemimah: Funny thing is, I didn’t feel rejected because I enjoyed the conversations and it was enough to keep us going. I wasn’t interested in dating anyone else, so I didn’t have any hoes to return to. This happened in early 2018.

    Honestly, Jemimah’s lack of hoes is why this relationship exists.

    Nelson: LMAO. 

    Jemimah: LMAO. The whole relationship thing kept creeping into our conversations from time to time. It would make us point out our feelings and the mushy moments would linger, making us unsure, but then we would go right back to just everyday friendly conversations. However, I brought up a few more times in a jokey manner and we would laugh about it. 

    What was the hardest part about all of this?

    Nelson: The sexual tension was thicker than Ogbono. You could hack it with an axe. Throughout the entire friendship, we kept things platonic.

    Jemimah: Not once did we cross the line 

    Not even a kiss?

    Nelson: Nope. I didn’t want to get lost in the sauce.

    Jemimah: We were such Jesus babies.  

    So, when did you start dating officially?

    Jemimah: July 28th, 2019. 

    Nelson:  It was strategic planning. 

    Jemimah: He had just moved into a new place, and I was supposed to come see it. The night before, I decided that we were probably only ever going to be just friends. Got to his the next day, and we talked and talked. Kissed for the first time. It was so tender and nice. Then we just sat there hugging each other.

    Nelson: We hugged for like 5 minutes. 

     Jemimah: Ended up having sex. Amazing stuff. 20/10.

    This is literally the omoest omo. 

    Jemimah: LMAO. I stayed over that night. The next day, we went out for ice cream. We kept smiling at each other from across the table. We came back to his, and started watching a movie. He paused it, turned to me and said, “We’ve known each other for so long, we care about each other very much. I think we want to make each other happy. I think we should date.”

    Nelson: I figured out that she’s the only person who could ever make me happy in a relationship, and I promised to make her happy if she gave me the chance. She did.

    My eyes are raining. This is so cute. 

    Jemimah: Prior to this, he had invited me as his ‘plus one’ to an office resort. He held on to my thighs on the trip there, so you can imagine that I almost died.

    Nelson: Not to brag or anything, but we looked so cute together at the retreat. My colleague took pictures of us and they came out so great. I think my favourite photo of us was from that retreat.  

    Damn. Two years of buildup?

    Nelson: Yes. In this period, Jemimah became my best friend.

    Jemimah:  Patient woman that I am.

    Nelson: It feels like we squeezed decades of friendship into two years. It’s so important to date your friend, so you can have a lot in common asides romance. That’s what I have here.

    What would you say is the best part of this relationship?

    Jemimah: My butt.

    Nelson: I agree.

    Wait, what?

    Nelson: This relationship has helped Jemimah reach full butt potential.

    Jemimah:  Literally. 

    Nelson:  We thank God for growth. 

    Haha. You guys are something else. 

     Jemimah: Another great part of dating Nelson is how goofy we’ve become with each other. I literally have a time-lapse of him drawing a penis on my inner thighs. 

    Nelson: Fake news. 

    Jemimah: Okay, Nigerian Army. 

    Nelson: LMAO. We spent the whole of this year’s lockdown together. A feat I’m sure neither of us thought we could pull off when we were single. It felt so nice. Waking up late cause we slept late. Cooking in the mornings, playing in the afternoon and ordering pizza to watch a movie in the evening.  

    This sounds so beautiful. Do you guys ever fight?

    Jemimah: We do actually. It always ends up affecting us as individuals because it feels like we are getting something wrong. 

    Nelson: The worst thing about our fights is how I go about after with a knot in my throat.

    What is the most common thing you fight about?

    Jemimah: Well, I’m clinically depressed. And when I have really bad episodes, I’m poor at communicating how much I need him. So, he’s unaware, but then I go and act like he’s supposed to know. And we have a breakdown in communication.

    Nelson: I wouldn’t say you’re poor. I should be the one listening in those cases, and I haven’t always done a good job of it.

    Jemimah: I hate when we fight because I want us to get it right. Our biggest fight so far was as a result of smaller fights we had. It was an exceptionally difficult time for my mental health and he also happened to be having an annoying week at work. So, everything clashed.

    Nelson: I ended up having a meltdown. It was terrible. Terrible because the fight became the centre of attention, when I should have been making my partner’s life easier.

    Jemimah: It was painful, but we got through it. We usually spend time trying to find the exact premise of an issue, so that we never return to it.

    Glad you worked things out. What is something that people won’t believe about your relationship?

    Jemimah: That he’s the more tender one. Also, because we’re very seemingly active and talkative people, I think people might not believe just how much we really like our silence and are much like an old couple. Ohh, and that I did the legwork for 2 years. 

    Nelson: Fake news. 

    Jemimah: Sanwo Eko, Please. 

    LMAO.

    Nelson: If you know me online or in person, you won’t believe that she is the more assertive one and she almost beat up a keke man on one of our early dates. I was turned on (don’t print that).

    I am definitely printing that. Jemimah, what happened?

    The man was upset because I mindlessly tried to collect my change with my left hand and I wasn’t having that. I was actually embarrassed that I’d lost my temper in front of Nelson. Those were early days sha.

    Wow. You are so… proper. 

    Nelson: She is. When I mean she’s cool, I mean she’s very measured. You can see the gears in her head spinning. Babe, you’re harsh. She’s harsh unless it comes to babies. Oh, we love babies so much, but we might never have them.

    Ohhh. Why? Are you guys like… *checks dictionary for the politically correct word, settles on impotent* …impotent?

    Jemimah: LMAO. Oh goodness.

    Nelson: LMAO. Oh I don’t know. Just that Jemimah doesn’t want babies and I’m not sure I want to bring any into this world too. 

    Jemimah: We’re yet to test the potency of both our gonads, but we’re not interested in having them because they’re stressful. Biologically and economically. Honestly, I worry about bringing a child into a world that I don’t want to live in on most days. 

    I also worry about my capacity to be a lifetime caregiver and nurturer for another person. There’s no telling if I’ll be bad at it. And unfortunately, you can’t return babies when you can’t cope with them. I also worry about how my body will take it. I don’t think pregnancy is an easy feat. I’m just as afraid of childbirth as I’m afraid of kidney surgery.

    Have you considered adoption? 

    Jemimah: Not opposed to the idea at all.

    Nelson: I agree with all she has to say, except the bit about being a good caregiver. Jemimah has many amazing traits, but the reason why I love her most — and I’ve told her many times — is how kind she is. Deep down, she’s golden. 

    We were in traffic the other day and a man’s car was on fire. The man was doing a good job of putting it out, but my girlfriend was frantically trying to open the door to help out. That’s how she is, reflexively. So I know she’ll be a gift to any kid if she has one. But yeah, the world might not need more babies.

    Jemimah: Wow. I- 

    Girl, same. I need a moment to appreciate how beautiful your relationship is. 

    Jemimah: I think I need a moment to appreciate it some more too. 

    Nelson: Babe, I’ve learnt a lot from you on how to approach important decisions and I love you, deeply. I just want to impregnate you and run away.

    Ahhh. Like run away from the baby and her?

    Nelson: Forget about those insignificant details. 

    Jemimah: Omo. Men. 

    LMAO. Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 – 10

    Jemimah: For me, 10. Never had it this good. Very happy here, will not recommend because it’s for only me.

    Nelson: A 9 for me, because I feel I can still do better to make her even happier.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    QUIZ: What’s Your Love Language?

    Words of affirmation or quality time? Take this quiz.

    Eris Ekanem

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  • Love Life: We Fell In Love Without Ever Meeting

    Love Life: We Fell In Love Without Ever Meeting

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: We Fell In Love Without Ever Meeting

    *Klaus, 28, and Lilian, 24, have been in a romantic relationship for about a year without ever meeting each other. For today’s Love Life, they talk about their love and how they cope with a long-distance relationship. 

    long distance relationship

    What’s the relationship here?

    Lilian: Klaus and I are dating. 

    Klaus: Lilian is the love of my life. 

    How did you meet?

    Lilian: In December 2018, we met in a school fellowship group chat.

    Klaus:  There was a send-off party organised for her academic class and after the party, they posted some pictures in the group and that was how I saw her picture. My first reaction was, “Wow! This girl has an incredible smile.” So, I sent her a private message. 

    Lilian: Really? I didn’t even know this.

    Adorable. At what point did you fall for each other? 

    Klaus: After talking for a while, we built a rapport. Although she was a little sceptical, the conversations we had were pretty decent. 

    Lilian: For me, it wasn’t immediate. It was January or February 2019 when we would talk for 30 – 45 minutes on the phone. We had similar interests. He knew how to sew and I was just learning.

    At some point, I realised that I was always looking forward to telling him about my day. That was when it hit me like, “Come oh, you like this guy.”

    How soon after did you start dating?

    Lilian:  This is a bit complex because I remember he told me he was going back to our school to get something, and then he casually mentioned he was going to see his girlfriend.

    Omo, I felt like I was just there catching feelings no one was throwing at me. I started withdrawing because I didn’t want intense conversations anymore. I decided to bury my feelings.

    Klaus: What? Really?

    Lilian: Yes na. At some point, he told me he had broken up with his girlfriend, but I wasn’t convinced. Then when I went to NYSC camp in November 2019, we resumed talking for hours on the phone. My friends even started teasing me. The emotions I thought I had pushed aside came flooding back. 

    Ahhh. I thought we buried those.

    Lilian: Same oh. But when he travelled and I couldn’t reach him for several weeks, I started acting weird, snapping at people. Thoughts of him filled my head and it was so invasive.

    I tried to deny those feelings because I knew we had not defined things. It was annoying because our story wasn’t a typical boy-meets-girl-and-goes-on-dates-with-her. I was mad at myself because I felt all these emotions without ever meeting him.

    Deep down, I knew I was in love with him, but I didn’t want to be the first person to say it. Then on Christmas Day last year, I was about to sleep when he texted me, “I love you.” I called him back immediately and that’s how it started. 

    Klaus: I think timing is everything. By the time I asked her out, she was in a better place to accept my request. That night was something else for me. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t call because I was lost for words.

    How do you manage the distance? Do you fight often? 

    Klaus: What? Makers of peace like us?

    Lilian: Haha. I wouldn’t call what we have ‘fights’; they are more of disagreements. On my end, I am very reserved and like to keep to myself a lot. Sometimes, I tend to unplug from things and it affects the relationship.

    We had an argument and that was when I realised that this relationship is different. Most times, I ghost completely after an argument and that’s the end, but in this case, I love how he makes me feel, so we end up sorting things out.

    Klaus: I understand that you are very introverted and all but sometimes, I require more. You come through but only with a lot of cajoling on my end. 

    Lilian: It’s not all the time na. It’s rare. 

    Klaus: Mami, I never really register those things as serious issues. It was just the time when you had serious issues with expressing yourself and it put most of the communication on me. It wasn’t easy. I just think you need to put in a little more effort.

    Have you guys ever tried to meet in person? 

    Lilian:  We made plans but then Corona hit, so now, we are making new arrangements. 

    Klaus: I have it all planned out. Problem is, I have a few work commitments so I just can’t go to see my baby girl yet. 

    What’s the hardest part about long-distance dating?

    Lilian: Not being able to have the simplest conversations with him physically present. I can’t wait till we see because if just talking to him makes me feel this way, then being with him physically should be explosive. 

    Klaus: There is a special feeling that comes with being physically present with a lover. The heightened senses, prolonged moments of intimacy and longer periods of communication without uttering a single word. I just want to spend physical time with my love. 

    This is just beautiful. How do you guys deal with the urge to…yunno?

    Lillian: Yunno what?

    Yunno…

    Klaus: We recite by heart the book of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob until the urge to…yunno…dies a premature death. 

    LMAO. Killing the spirit of horniness with the good book. Love it. 

    Klaus: I like to fantasize for a bit without dwelling too much on it, seeing as nothing can be done about that. Sometimes, I call her and we talk for a while. That’s as good as it gets.

    Lilian: Haha. I’m actually speechless by the way but yes. The urge comes and goes. I know I won’t look great as a pregnant corper so that quickly kills the urge anyway. I’m just paranoid, that’s it. 

    Wait, is this a celibate relationship? 

    Lilian: Yes. 

    Klaus: I don’t think so. We are too far apart to define that aspect of our relationship right now. 

    Are you worried the chemistry won’t be there in person? 

    Klaus: Well, we do a lot of video calls, so I don’t think that’ll be the case.

    Lilian: Oh, I’m sure I’m going to like him in person. 

    Klaus: You’re making me shy. Haha. My fear is that the time we might get to spend with each other might not be enough for me. 

    What do you want the first meeting to look like? 

    Klaus: I would prefer the initial moments of our first encounter to be private, so that if there are any bits of excitement, it would be for our sole consumption. Then by the time we’ve exhausted all that excitement, we can look for a public space. I think we might spend a lot of time indoors. 

    Lilian: I don’t want it too planned out because there’s already anxiety and nerves. I just want something fun. 

    Is this your first time in a long-distance relationship?

    Klaus: Yes, it is. Compared to my previous relationships, this feels better too. We have such a strong emotional and intellectual connection. She is the smartest woman, so it feels better.

     Lilian: This is also my first time in this kind of relationship. It still surprises me how I’m able to adapt so much. I usually call him my uncharted territory.

    You know how you don’t realise how thirsty you are until you take cool water. That’s how this relationship feels to me. I didn’t know what I was missing until I had it. Bliss. 

    What would you consider your biggest fear in this relationship?

    Klaus: Not making the best out of the relationship. Caving in to the pressure and expectations people have of us.

    Lilian: I fear that in the long run, we will start to yearn for more physical proximity, and the fact that we aren’t in the same city will affect that. 

    Would you be willing to change cities to be with each other? 

    Klaus: Without hesitation.

    Lilian: You’re going to make me cry. Changing cities for me is a huge thing just because I have my family to consider. If work can move me there, then fine. That’s the concrete reason I want to raise with my mum when having that conversation. 

    What do you love the most about each other? 

    Lilian:  I love that we have things in common so that when we are talking, he doesn’t get lost. I love how much he pays attention to details. Most importantly, I love how he loves me. I love you, baby boy. 

    Klaus: I’m glad I got to meet someone like my chubbylove. It’s rare to find someone so special. My introverted sugar and spice mami. She is truly irreplaceable in my life. 

    Lilian: Awwn, babe!

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    Eris Ekanem

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  • 6 VERY Important Tips On How To Update Your Media If You Are Searching For Love

    6 VERY Important Tips On How To Update Your Media If You Are Searching For Love

    If you are searching for love, then here are six tips to help you update your media in a way that will get the attention of prospective partners and help your love life.

    1) It should be a personal picture

    Why will you do yourself the disservice of posting a group picture? Imagine your crush sees the picture and starts asking for “the friend in the green shirt” while you are wearing a white shirt. Do not let your village people win this fight. If you are searching for love, do not update your media with group pictures.

    2) Let your poses be creative

    When you are choosing the pictures to post, look for the ones with the most creative settings and poses. You are an entertainer, show us the stuff that you are made of.

    Something like this will really blow your crush away

    3) Use creative captions

    You need a caption that will provoke emotion, that will get the people moving and thinking thoughts. This is your chance to show them that the reason Shakespeare has not been writing sonnets anymore is because you have put him out of business.

    4) Angles

    You need a picture that lays emphasis on your best features, so you can start the razzle dazzle immediately. Let them be blinded by your smile dear.

    5) A picture you feel good about

    Lastly, and most importantly, make sure it is a picture that makes you feel good about yourself. Why? Because you are the baddest to ever do it.

    6) Use the right hashtag

    Upload your picture with the hashtag #ZikokoLoveLifeChallenge. How else is your crush supposed to notice you if you are not using the hashtag to declare that you how viciously single you are, and that you are searching for love?

    Also, please give us money

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  • Love Life: We Went From Friends To Lovers To Frenemies

    Love Life: We Went From Friends To Lovers To Frenemies

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio – Love Life: We Went From Friends To Lovers To Frenemies

    *Caroline, 20, and *Somto, 20, used to date. They went from friends to lovers to frenemies. For today’s Love Life, they talk about their relationship and how one party felt bullied into a relationship they never really wanted. 

    What’s the relationship here?

    Caroline:  We used to date.

    Somto:  She’s my ex. 

    How long did you guys date for?

    Somto:  We started dating in February 2020. I’m not sure.

    Caroline: I like to count it as a month, but I think it was just three weeks. We broke up on March 30th. 

    Tell me about your relationship.

    Somto: I feel like I was bullied into it. I just got out of a relationship and my emotions were all over the place. Caroline and I were working on a project together. We started hanging out and it was fun at first. Then one night, she sent me a text and basically bullied me into a relationship.. 

    Caroline: I didn’t bully him. We go to the same school; we’re students. We were working together and we had so much in common. I just thought to myself, maybe you should just ask him if he wants to be in a relationship. He first hesitated but later agreed. I didn’t force him.

    Somto, do you think you’re easily persuaded to do things you don’t want to? 

    I am usually not easily persuaded, but a part of me was hoping it would work. I lowkey knew that this wasn’t something I wanted to do. I made it clear from the onset that I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I just wanted to be friends. 

    Interesting. How did the relationship end?

    Somto: I won’t say it was a breakup, it was more of an agreement. You know when you’re not meant to be with someone? That’s how I felt. 

    Caroline: Before the lockdown, we were having lots of fights, disagreeing about a lot of things, yelling at each other. I saw it coming because I got the vibe he wasn’t quite comfortable with our relationship. The day school sent us home, he called and told me he still loves his ex-girlfriend and wanted to break up. 

    Yikes. Somto, are you with your ex now?

    No, but it’s fine. I’m learning to love my own company.

    Caroline mentioned fights. What exactly were you guys fighting about?

    Somto: I didn’t want to hang out. I just wanted to be alone and she would make a fuss. It was silly little things. They were absurd because, on a normal day, I wouldn’t want to argue about them.

    Caroline: I was getting paranoid that something was wrong with him and he wasn’t telling me. I remember one of the arguments where he said he didn’t know how to explain himself, and I kept insisting he talk to me because we were friends before we started dating. The whole secrecy thing was bothering me and I needed to know what was wrong. 

    Somto: I didn’t intentionally make things difficult for you. I was going through my problems and I didn’t want to get anyone involved. I like to sort things out myself. 

    Caroline: I was just trying to be enough.

    Somto: You were more than enough. I just wasn’t complete yet.

    What did you guys hate about the relationship?

    Somto: There was nothing to hate. If I had met Caroline at a different point in my life, things might have worked. Right now, I’m not just in the mood for a relationship. 

    Caroline: I didn’t really hate anything. The timing was just off. I was very busy at that point and the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough or spending adequate time with him kept eating me up. Sometimes, I’d make him come to my meetings so we could spend more time together. 

    What was your sex life like?

    Caroline: Honestly, it wasn’t intense. We made out and it was just there, but we never had sex. We tried, but I didn’t feel ready.

    Somto: Meh. I’m not pushy so, for me, it wasn’t a priority. I’ve had it too many times to care.

    What did you pick up from the relationship?

    Somto: She pushed me to do a lot of things. I basically doubled my hustle because of her. 

    Caroline:  His music sense. I’ve been listening to a lot of songs he likes. I am also still friends with some of his friends. Oh, and I’m now experimenting with weed. 

    Are you guys still attracted to each other? 

    Caroline: Attraction is such a wide spectrum. I am still attracted to him physically and because I have been in a relationship with him, it’s easier to say that I still might be attracted to him emotionally, but the relationship fucked me up and gave me PTSD. I couldn’t even listen to some songs I liked because they reminded me of him. 

    Somto:  I would assume so. Probably. 

    How did you guys get over the break up? 

    Somto: I was still getting over one when I got into this one so it felt like a compound effect for me. Dealing with it while working was very effective for me. 

    Caroline: When we would fight in the relationship, because of how busy I was, I never had time to brew over it. When I went home because of Corona, I had time to organise my feelings and frankly, I lashed out at him.

    The night of the breakup, I called my best friend and cried over Facetime. A friend of his kept checking in on me for about a week to make sure I was okay. The sleepless nights didn’t help either. I don’t want to say I was used, but I felt deceived. 

    Somto: Caroline, in all honesty, I was very nice to you. I never lied to you. 

    Caroline: But you concealed the truth and that’s just as bad. 

    Somto: Did I? Did I really? 

    Caroline:  You using the term “bullied” at the start of this interview when all I did was ask you is very weird. I wish I had my old phone so I can go through the chats and see where I came off as a bully.

    If you didn’t want to, you shouldn’t have accepted. We’ve had this argument before where you said you never wanted this and because I really don’t want to keep bringing this up. So, yes, lying and concealing the truth may be different but they are closely related.

    Somto: The night I told you I didn’t want this and would prefer we were friends. You looked at me with sad puppy dog eyes and I felt pressured. I don’t really like dealing with emotional stress, I’m not really good at handling it.

    When I start hinting at not wanting to do something and you start giving me those eyes, I just go with it. At the point I felt it was too much, it made more sense to just rip the bandage off.

    Somto, would you say you dated her out of pity? 

    Somto: It wasn’t really out of pity. I understood what it felt like to be alone and didn’t want that for her. I really liked her. You have to understand that I was just trying to get over my ex. 

    Caroline: Wow.

    So, she was a rebound?

    Somto:  💀

    Caroline:  It’s all good. I just wish you had said something in the beginning instead of having me go through all this. 

    Is there a chance of getting back together at all?

    Caroline: In this exact moment, I’d say no.

    Somto: I don’t think so. 

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

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    Eris Ekanem

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