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  • Sunken Ships: She Cut Off All Her Hair Because of Me

    Sunken Ships: She Cut Off All Her Hair Because of Me

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    How did you meet Yinka? 

    Bimpe: She shot a friendship shot at me. In February 2022, she DMed me on Instagram that she’d been following me for a while and thought I was really cool. She ended by saying we stayed around the same place and was wondering if we could be friends. I should’ve known from the shot that she was a weirdo, but I wanted more female friends so I was excited. 

    I’m a very friendly person, and I’ve met a lot of interesting people on social media, so I wasn’t opposed to the idea. I’d travelled to Abuja, so we used the time I was away from Lagos to text each other for a bit. I wanted to know if we had anything in common before we hung out. 

    We seemed to hit it off immediately. We had so much in common it was almost unbelievable. We shared similar goals and views about the world. I thought I would finally have a friend I could do things like go to the gym and run errands with. 

    So you met up with her? 

    Bimpe: Yeah. Two weeks after we started texting. It was supposed to be a quick lunch, nothing longer than an hour, but we stayed there for hours. We exchanged stories about our lives, drank and laughed a lot. The other people in the restaurant were looking at us strangely, but I didn’t care. I thought I’d found the next best thing to happen to me. 

    We spent so much time together after. Since we lived in the same area, we’d attend events from one person’s house because it didn’t make sense to arrive separately. My parents knew her, and I knew hers too. In fact, we’d gotten so close so quickly that about two to three months after we met, we started attending each other’s family events. If she didn’t come for one, my parents would be upset. She was my best friend. 

    When did you start noticing the change?

    Bimpe: About four months into our friendship. I’m a very social person, and because Yinka was my best friend, I dragged her along with me to many places. When we’d go out, it suddenly felt like she was trying to outdo me. She’d always try to make me the butt of jokes even when it wasn’t called for. 

    Once, at a beach party, someone complimented my bikini, but she was quick to point out that my makeup really tied the look together and that she did my makeup for me. Apparently, I’d have been so ugly if I did it myself. There was no reason for the comment. She just wanted to make me feel small. Luckily for me, I’m a very confident person. And I didn’t even notice anything before this beach incident. I think some people are just weird.

    The next time we went to the beach, she was wearing the same bikini the person complimented. What kind of sick behaviour is that? 

    Ah

    Bimpe: That’s another thing she did a lot. Copy my style. If someone complimented my hair, she’d buy the same wig or do the same style. If someone complimented an outfit, she’d buy it and post pictures of herself in it. 

    One time, I went on a date to a restaurant, and the next day, she had a date in that same restaurant. She even wore a similar outfit to the one I wore for my date.  

    Coincidence? 

    Bimpe: At first, I thought so, but one day in July, she’d just gotten her hair done — knotless brown box braids, and she looked really cute in them. The next week, I did layered braids in blonde because I hadn’t made my hair in weeks. Just wigs and vibes. Tell me why two days later, she posted an Instagram story from my hairdresser’s salon. This babe went and did layered braids too but in brown. Two days after I did mine? It was giving “obsessed”. 

    Chelsea c’mon nau 

    Bimpe: I decided to set a trap for her in August when I travelled again. I wanted to really know if she was copying me.

    I removed everyone from my close friends list except her then I posted a picture of hair on the floor on my story and typed “big chop” over it. I actually got the picture from when one of my other friends cut her hair. 

    A couple of days later, Yinka had cut her hair, claiming she was starting a new journey. When I got back to Lagos from Abuja the next week, she came to pick me up from the airport with my parents and was visibly shocked when she saw my afro. I just did as if nothing happened. 

    When we got back to my place, she asked about my hair. That’s when I let her have it. I told her to get out of my house and reported her to my parents so they don’t make the mistake of reaching out to her. 

    Detective doings 

    Bimpe: It was actually scary. When I told my other friends about it, they said that whenever I travelled, she tried to talk to them or initiate hangout sessions. They agreed because she was my close friend. It was as if she wanted my life. Never again, abeg. 

    Did she ever reach out after that? 

    Bimpe: She did. She claimed she was mentally ill, but I just sent her the number of a psychiatrist and blocked her. You can’t be weaponising mental illness in 2023, especially considering she never cared how what she did could’ve affected my own mental health. RELATED: Sunken Ships: The Elections May End, but My Uncle Will Remain Blocked

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  • Sunken Ships: The Elections May End, but My Uncle Will Remain Blocked

    Sunken Ships: The Elections May End, but My Uncle Will Remain Blocked

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    In this episode of Sunken Ships, Kiki* (22) shares why she blocked her uncle and how it goes beyond supporting different candidates.

    What was your relationship with your uncle like pre-elections? 

    Kiki: Pretty normal. You know how in every Nigerian home, there are different kinds of uncles? The rich ones who always give you money, the stingy/broke ones, the one you’re convinced is a pervert, the cool one and the rest? He was one of the rest. A bit younger than my dad, but not young enough that we had things we could relate to. His children are also younger than me, so we didn’t have much to talk about. 

    However, we weren’t enemies. I spent holidays in his house, and when we had family events, we had proper conversations. He didn’t treat me like a child who didn’t know anything, but he provided support only someone older can give. He’d send me articles he read and thought I was interested in so we could talk, but he also sent those ridiculous BCs and bulk messages on Whatsapp. He was okay, and so was our relationship. 

    How did the fight start? 

    Kiki: I won’t call it a fight, but we started having issues over WhatsApp. I hardly use the app, but that day, I decided to check people’s statuses. That’s when I saw that he’d put up the poster of a particular candidate running for President. I swiped up to have a conversation with him because I couldn’t believe who he supported. I wanted to know his thought process if any. He didn’t reply immediately — probably because of work — but we eventually had a conversation. 

    The words he sent that day shocked me. I wanted to scream at him, but I maintained my peace. We had this long back and forth that ended with me blocking him. I didn’t have the strength, and he wouldn’t change his mind. 

    A week later, while I was out with my mum, she stopped by his house. When we got there, he brought up the fact that I’d blocked him to my mother. It’s one thing for him to support someone who’s incompetent, but to report me to my mother over it? I lost it. I reminded them that I’m an adult and can decide I no longer want certain people to have access to my life. My mother told me it didn’t make sense for me to fight family because of politicians. That people have a right to vote and campaign for whoever they want. I told her it’s more than that. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Politics Is Enough for Me to End Our Friendship

    Explain 

    Kiki: If someone doesn’t align with my values, I can also choose to remove their access to me. 

    It’s not just about picking a different candidate. I think that’s very reductive of the issue. You can disagree on the policies of different candidates. Candidate one wants to increase tax by 5%, and candidate two wants to reduce it by 3%. Or one candidate wants to make Lagos the capital of Nigeria, while another wants to make Edo state the capital. These are differences you don’t have to cut off friends and family members over. 

    But  he’s endorsing a corrupt, terrorism-affiliated, allegation-heavy candidate whose policies might as well lead to the end of my life.  I’m upset that he supports someone who’ll most likely make millions of people suffer. I have every right to choose to no longer associate with someone who willingly chooses death and suffering. 

    It shows his beliefs and values align with said candidate. If the candidate he supports has made degrading comments about people from certain tribes, it means my uncle feels the same way. If the person is known to align with thugs and thieves, then that’s something my uncle stands for. I don’t stand for those things, so why should I keep him around? 

    What’ll happen after the elections? 

    Kiki: Nothing. He’s still blocked and will forever remain blocked. Why should he remain in my life? He’s been reporting me to family members, and they’ve called and begged, but that’s their business. I don’t know why they think my uncle and I must talk by force. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Best Friend Didn’t Like Him so We Broke Up

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  • Sunken Ships: My Best Friend Didn’t Like Him, so We Broke Up

    Sunken Ships: My Best Friend Didn’t Like Him, so We Broke Up

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Lolade* (29) and Amarachi*(29) have been best friends for over a decade. Their friendship almost ended when Lolade started dating Osas*. 

    How did you and your best friend meet? 

    Lolade: We met in church 13 years ago. It was Sunday school. There was a quiz competition for teenagers. We tied for first place and have been conquering the world together every day since. 

    That’s adorable

    Lolade: She’s one of the best things to ever happen to me. When I broke my leg and had to walk around in a cast when I was 19, she called herself my personal assistant and did everything for me. Picking up my pens that fell, helping me do the dishes at home and loosening my hair. We made promises to each other early in life that we’d stand together no matter what. 

    Sure, we got into arguments a couple of times, but we always tried to resolve it despite being very stubborn. The one time it seemed like an argument would last longer than a couple of hours, our parents got involved. They sat us down and reminded us about how much we love each other. 

    How did the guy now enter into all of this? 

    Lolade: I met Osas in 2021. I had gone out to a restaurant to eat alone because Amarachi was in a meeting with an international client. As I sat alone, trying to enjoy my own company, the waiter brought me a drink I didn’t order. When I tried to explain that it was a mix-up, she informed me that someone had sent it to me. I asked her who it was because I wanted to thank him, but all she did was give me his number on a piece of paper. That he said if I wanted to thank him, I should call him. I won’t lie, I was kind of impressed. Things like that don’t happen to me every day, so I was curious to see it through. When I got home, I sent him a text thanking him for the drink. That’s how Osas and I got to talking. 

    Was it love at first text? 

    Lolade: Not really. I mean, I don’t fall in love with people that easily, so I don’t think I’ve ever had a “love at first “ anything. I did however grow to like Osas. We went on a date about a week after the drinks thing and it was the first time I was meeting him face-to-face. Amarachi went to the restaurant we were to have our date at about thirty minutes before me so she could step in if he turned out to be a creep or a weirdo. Luckily for me, he didn’t try anything on the date. He was very respectful throughout the date and he made me laugh a lot. At one point, I texted Amarachi to meet me in the bathroom and we had a mini-session where I just filled her in on how the date was going. 

    The conversation I had with him was great and I didn’t want that night to end. Amarachi and I had planned a movie night that day and that was the only thing stopping me from going home with him. It was a long time since I had a date with a man that made me feel as good as he did. 

    Then what?

    Lolade: Well, we kept talking. We’d go on dates, he’d buy me gifts and flowers, etc. He was very determined in his pursuit of me. I liked it. I’m the firstborn and apart from Amarachi, nobody really took care of me. They all just expected me to “handle it”. Having someone who was intentional about making my life easier really made me fall fast. Two months after talking, he came over to my house one day to do my dishes because I was too lazy to do any housework. I fell for this man hard. 

    We started dating three months after our first date. I became a “my man, my man, my man” kind of girl. Every opportunity I got, I was talking about him and how amazing he treated me. I was in love with him. 

    What changed? 

    Lolade: Amarachi didn’t like him so much. Throughout the talking stage, Amarachi told me she had a bad feeling about him. Now, Amarachi is more spiritual than I am so she believes in auras and reading people’s energies. Not really my type of thing, but whenever she does it, I leave her to her devices. However, I didn’t understand why she couldn’t like him. She’d always complained to me that I settle when it comes to romantic relationships, so I didn’t understand why she wasn’t excited there was a guy finally treating me the way she had always wanted for me. 

    Whenever I mentioned I was spending time with him, she’d try to change the topic as quickly as possible. If I was telling her about something nice he did for me, she’d end it with a “that’s nice” and keep it moving. It was a side of her I hardly ever saw and it made me start keeping things about him from her. I’d lie about who I was spending time with and talking to and I knew she knew I was lying, but she never pushed. It started creating a divide. 

    Damn

    Lolade: It made me start withdrawing from her a lot. We used to have brunch every Sunday and I started skipping it a few times. Our calls became shorter and since I was almost always at Osas’ house or he was at mine, we didn’t have our sleepovers anymore. Our lifetime friendship was slipping away right before my eyes and I did nothing about it. 

    Why? 

    Lolade: I got too attached to Osas. He was doing everything for me and I liked how he made me feel. For the first time, I considered marrying someone. It felt like he was my one true shot at a fairytale life and I didn’t want to let it go. 

    When I told Osas about the whole Amarachi situation, he told me she was jealous of me. That since she’s the one used to having different guys shower her with attention, she didn’t know how to react to seeing me in a loving and thriving relationship. He encouraged me to stay away from her and ice her out from a couple of things and me, the olodo that I am, I did. 

    Amarachi didn’t stop reaching out to me. She’d text, try to call, she even emailed me, but I was not answering. One day she showed up at my office and demanded to see me or else she was not leaving. I know her, and I knew it was not an empty threat, so I went to meet her. She shouted at me in front of everyone. Called me an idiot for letting a man come between us and threatened to beat sense into my head if I didn’t act right. She reminded me of when we promised each other that we’d never argue because of a man and that here I was, refusing to speak to her because a man asked me to. Honestly, I was a bit disgusted at myself for that. Truly, how? 

    That’s when I realised that all the things I was hyping this man for doing for me, Amarachi did. She’d come to my house when I have cramps, read me bedtime stories, clean and cook. When my car was bad, she drove me to work every day even though she worked from home. She bought me flowers and even flew me out of the country once because I had complained about being exhausted from work. I think the day she showed up to my office knocked sense into my head. 

    What did you do? 

    Lolade: I broke up with him. We had been dating for almost a year at this point and were even planning to move in together. But right then and there in the office, I sent him a text saying we needed to end our relationship. I knew the right guy for me will be someone my best friend will love wholeheartedly and if she didn’t, then he was not the one. I cried a lot that day but Amarachi was there, holding my hand through it all. 

    Wow. That’s a lot

    Lolade: That’s not even the end. A couple of months later, I found out that he was arrested for fraud. Amarachi was so tickled when she found out. She still rubs it in my face that she saved me from having all my assets seized. That I’d have been using my money to hire lawyers for a criminal. I can’t imagine what would have happened to me if we were dating when he got arrested. We’d have moved in together and they’d have seized my house. What would I have done? Now, I take her gut feelings more seriously than I ever did. Before a case of “hath I known” will be my portion.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Stopped Talking to Her Because She Was Broke

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  • Sunken Ships: I Stopped Talking to Her Because She Was Broke

    Sunken Ships: I Stopped Talking to Her Because She Was Broke

    Yinka* (27), the subject of this week’s Sunken Ships, reduced her friend group from four to three girls, after cutting one off for constantly feeling entitled to their money and trying to garner pity by emphasising how much less than them she earned.

    Talk to me 

    Yinka: I once cut off a friend because she was broke. 

    Ah 

    Yinka: When I say it like that it sounds terrible, but it was more than that. She was very annoying because she was broke.

    Please explain 

    Yinka: So we’re a group of four babes who went to the same university. Me and Uche were roommates in 2015, so we knew each other longer. The third, Toyin, was a coursemate of mine I got close to later that year, and the fourth, Halima, we met at a party in 2016. It’s been the four of us since then. 

    We made promises to each other that we’d always stay in touch. We envisioned a life that allowed us to travel and wear expensive clothes like the girls we saw in magazines. It’s not like it was impossible. All of us came from middle class families so the plan was to build on what we already have. 

    How did that work out? 

    Yinka: Not so well in the beginning. We left school in 2017, and it was bad job after bad job for all of us. Add in some failed businesses and investments and it was a disaster. Life was hitting us back-to- back. 

    Damn 

    Yinka: Things didn’t start looking up until the middle of 2018. I got a new job and so did Halima. Uche decided that a 9-5 wasn’t for her and started her own business, and Toyin got a promotion at her job. It was great. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Wasn’t Her Emergency Wallet

    What made it so great? 

    Yinka: We could finally do some of the things we’d planned to do since we were in university. We started going to parties together and buying tables, planning vacations within Nigeria and having movie nights in our houses. It wasn’t big things, but it was great. 

    We also got to show up for each other in better ways. We’d give each other expensive bags and household items for birthdays and other important dates. I loved how our sisterhood improved when we had money. 

    But nobody sounds broke here 

    Yinka: That’s the thing. Being broke is a state of mind for some people, and Toyin was one of such people. As the years went on, we started making even more money. We really poured a lot of what we had into our work and it showed great results. However, since all fingers aren’t equal, some people earned more than others. As at 2021, Toyin earned the least. 

    We never brought up it, but she did. Constantly. We’d go out for dinner and Toyin would automatically declare that we shouldn’t expect anything from her since we’re the rich ones. It was ridiculous because someone would’ve already said the meal was on them before we even went to the restaurant. 

    Other times, it’s when we wanted to contribute money for a gift for one of us. She would start complaining that we’re giving gifts that are too expensive. She’d borrow money from us and never pay back, collect all our expensive items and never replace them. We didn’t understand what was going on. 

    What if she was struggling? 

    Yinka: We asked her about work and even offered help on many occasions, but she just acted weird about it. It almost always ended up in an argument where she hinted we were calling her poor.

    We once gifted her six months rent so she could at least save the rent money for something else. But throughout that period, she still made weird jokes about how much less she earned and stuff. I started to think she preferred that both her money and ours was spent on her alone. But it’s not how friendship works.

    Did you ever talk to her about it? 

    Yinka: I did towards the end of 2021. My other friends are very soft people. I’m the more direct one about things like this, maybe because I’m an aries. I pulled her aside once and told her the jokes were weird. It’s not like she even earned much less than we did. It was just a small margin, but she kept trying to make it as though she were dirt poor. 

    What happened next?

    Yinka: She flared up and told me I was wicked. This led to her kind of withdrawing from the group and I just stopped talking to her completely. We still talk to her as a group, buy her gifts, send her flowers and stuff, but for me to text her personally? Not at all. 

    Her attitude to earning less was the problem. We didn’t mind giving. She just seemed too entitled to it.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Was Too Much of a Bad Bitch for Him

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  • Sunken Ships: I Was Too Much of a Bad Bitch for Him

    Sunken Ships: I Was Too Much of a Bad Bitch for Him

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subject of this week’s Sunken Ships is Mercy* (26). She tells us how she had to suppress her bad bitch life because of her ex, Olamide* (28). He didn’t like that she was always outside and knew so many rich people.

    How did you meet? 

    Mercy: Olamide and I met in 2020 at a small New Year’s Eve party. Since the COVID restrictions weren’t completely lifted, it was an invite-only party, but we could all bring plus one’s. He was his friend’s plus one. So there was one guy who kept trying to talk to me. I just grabbed Olamide randomly, and pretended he was my boyfriend. Luckily for me, he went along with it and the other guy bought it. That’s how we started talking that night. 

    He looked harmless, so I just stayed with him. He told me about anime, tech, crypto, and all the other stuff he was interested in. I wasn’t really into any of that, but he spoke with so much passion that I listened. Plus, he was kind of funny. I had a good time. Towards the end of the party, we exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. We did. 

    And then? 

    Mercy: We texted as often as we could and even planned to meet up. What really drew me to him was how different he is from the kind of guys and girls I usually date. Because of the kind of work I do, I’m used to people who want to be as public as possible because of collaboration opportunities and other stuff. He, on the other hand, was a banker who loved to watch anime and read books. A good time for him was indoors just chilling. It was refreshing, and he quickly became a safe space for me for when outside became a little too much. 

    So what happened next?

    Mercy: The first time we went on a date was a week or so after the party. It was to a lovely restaurant I’d been to a couple of times. He said he wanted to impress me, and I thought it was cute. I got there before him because I lived closer to the place, so while I waited, the waiter told me someone bought me a bottle of wine. I’d already had about two glasses when Olamide arrived. 

    We talked a bit, ate some really good food and even drank the wine together. When the bill came and he asked why the wine wasn’t on the bill, the waiter informed him that it was paid for by someone else. He got upset that I shared a drink with him bought by another man on our date, but I apologised, and he let it go. 

    Did things like that happen often? 

    Mercy: Random people buying me stuff? Yes. I won’t say I’m the prettiest girl in Lagos, because babes dey, but I can hold my own. Plus, people with money just like to impress. I didn’t grow up rich, but I grew up around rich people, so I had a lot of connections and certain doors opened for me because of this. I’ve gotten used to being around people who flaunt their money hoping it’ll get something from whoever. But it’s usually because they have nothing else to offer. I take the money or gifts because it’ll make them feel good about themselves, and I get to spend less. Win for everybody. 

    How did Olamide feel about this? 

    Mercy: Oh, he hated it. Before we started dating in April 2021, I tried to hide it from him as much as possible. I chalked up most of the perks to being a part of my job but didn’t go into details. 

    What changed after you started dating? 

    Mercy: I couldn’t hide the real sources of the gifts any longer. It’s not like I didn’t try, but dating meant we spent a lot of time together, and he got to see what my life was really like — parties, gifts, mini and not-so-mini celebrities and a lot of other things. I tried my best to make him feel as involved as possible, but he made it very clear that it wasn’t his thing and I should just have fun. At first, it wasn’t a problem. I’d text him while I was out and sometimes call him when I get back. Sometimes, I’d go out from his place so he could watch me get ready. When I return, he’d help me take off my makeup and clothes, and we’d cuddle till I fall asleep. 

    I also stopped accepting every invitation to every event. Being with him made the world stop moving at 1.5x speed. We’d order food in and take turns watching romantic comedies and the anime and thrillers he liked. The first couple of months into the relationship were great. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Love Isn’t Always Enough

    When did it stop being so great? 

    Mercy: I can’t pinpoint exactly when, but I know my birthday in September was a disaster. It wasn’t because of anything he did, but because of everything else that happened. At this point, we’d basically moved into my place together because it was bigger and closer to where he worked. 

    So on my birthday, he wanted us to have a sit-down dinner at home. He’d cook, we’d dance to some songs from the speaker and do a marathon of movies I’ve been meaning to see. I loved the idea. I hadn’t spent my birthday indoors in about three years, so I was excited. It was a Friday, so he got home earlier than he usually does and met several boxes and bags of stuff in the house. People had gotten me a lot of gifts. Hair, money towers, expensive perfumes, clothes, etc. He didn’t say anything, but with each delivery I got, he got quieter. During dinner and after, my phone kept ringing and buzzing from notifications. I had to turn it off at some point. 

    The next day, my friends were throwing a birthday thing for me at the club, and he’d agreed to come, but he suddenly changed his mind. He said he wouldn’t feel comfortable there, and I didn’t rate him as much as I did my club and party friends. I was upset he’d think that because I’d turned down so many requests to hang out on my birthday just so I could spend time with him. 

    I went to the club alone and tried to have fun, but I kept thinking of how sad he must’ve been. When I texted, he didn’t reply. I called, he didn’t pick up. I couldn’t face him, so I told him I won’t be coming home and spent the weekend at my friend’s place. 

    How did you guys move on from that? 

    Mercy: I don’t think we really did. I went back to the place on Monday and tried to cheer him up with a gift I got him. It was a sweater of one of the animes he likes, but he barely acknowledged the gift. He just said he wasn’t upset and we just continued living together. 

    I kept trying to keep things from him to prevent him from getting upset, but that backfired because it made him think I was cheating on him. 

    Were you? 

    Mercy: Not at all, but he thought everyone was a suspect. Whenever I mentioned hanging out with a girl or sleeping over at hers, he’d get pretty defensive and angry about it. He even tried to stop me from going out a couple of times, even when he knew they were work outings. 

    At a point, my friend got involved and staged an intervention for me. She told me that he knew the kind of person I was before he started dating me, and I did all I possibly could to reassure him. It wasn’t fair that I was the one making all the sacrifices and walking around eggshells because I didn’t want to upset him. She rounded it up by saying I was too much of a bad bitch for him so he either had to get with the program or get out. 

    Damn. That’s a lot

    Mercy: Yeah, she’s kind of intense. Would you believe that I didn’t even break up with him after her pep talk? It wasn’t until November ending that I found out he was cheating on me with one of his coworkers. 

    How did you find out? 

    Mercy: I needed his phone for a video I was making and she texted. I went through their replies and I was wrecked. I threw him out of my house, blocked him everywhere, and I haven’t been in contact with him since then. 

    Wow. Any regrets? 

    Mercy: That I allowed myself change so much for him. Sure, staying indoors is nice and fun, but I chose my line of work because I like to be outside. I like to shake my ass and have fun with my friends. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t like that. It’s too much of an important part of my life. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I No Longer Have Friends in Nigeria

    Brought to you by LOVE LIFE

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: I No Longer Have Friends in Nigeria

    Sunken Ships: I No Longer Have Friends in Nigeria

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subject of this week’s Sunken Ships is a woman who’s tired of losing her friends to the japa wave. After having four of her friends leave, Yinka* (28) feels she has no friends left in Nigeria, but she still doesn’t want to leave.

    Let’s start from the beginning

    Yinka: In 2015, Adeola, my friend from church, was my first friend to leave Nigeria. We’d been friends since we were children. Our mothers were both in the choir, so we often saw each other during practices and church programmes. 

    I’m not a very outgoing person, so making friends was difficult for me. She was about my only friend in the church even after I’d been going there for a decade. But she had a few other friends outside of me. She never for once made me feel like I wasn’t as important as her other friends. She even introduced me to them. We barely argued, and everything seemed really great. 

    She never indicated that she planned on leaving the country, or I just didn’t know because she didn’t consider us close enough. Either way, I didn’t find out until a day before she left. We were eating sugar cane when she told me her flight out of the country was the next day. I didn’t know what to do except be happy for her, so I was. 

    What do you mean by you didn’t know what to do? 

    Yinka: Well, the babe and I weren’t close enough for it to have caused me to break down into tears. However, we were close enough that I could feel her departure. For the first couple of Sundays, I unconsciously kept looking for her in church. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Best Friend Lied About His Move Abroad

    Did you think the japa situation was going to become a problem later? 

    Yinka: No, I didn’t. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have many friends, but at that time, people barely spoke about leaving the country. A lot of us were just leaving school or starting new jobs, and the phrase on our lips was, “The country will get better.” There was still a lot of patriotism in the air at the time. 

    When did you realise it might be a problem? 

    Yinka: 2017, when another friend left Nigeria. Betty* and I met each other during NYSC in 2015. We were bunkmates and got along great. 

    Unlike my church friend, Betty always made it clear that her Nigeria situation was not permanent. For her, NYSC was a way to waste her time while she waited for word from the schools she’d applied to. 

    Honestly, I admired her for knowing what she wanted out of life and fighting really hard for it. However, it didn’t hurt any less when she left. I’d been carried along through the entire process, but her farewell dinner was the first time I cried. Seeing everyone talk about how much they’d miss her, I almost lost my mind. When it was my turn to say a few things about her, I just cried and hugged her. I was going to miss her so much. 

    Was keeping in touch with these people not an option? 

    Yinka: It was, but how long could we keep in touch? Maybe it’s because I’m a very out of sight person, but I find it very difficult to keep in touch with people I don’t see often. Adeola and I weren’t close enough for weekly calls, but we did try to have them once every two weeks. With time, it dwindled to just liking each other’s posts on Instagram. 

    Betty and I tried to do weekly calls, but her classes got too demanding, my job got too stressful, and with a seven-hour time difference, there was only so much we could do. We still occasionally text, but it wasn’t the same as when she could enter a cab to my office because she wanted me to buy her amala from the woman who sold it near my office. 

    Okay, I see your point 

    Yinka: I’m not saying no one can maintain a healthy long-distance friendship, but I’m not one of those people who can. My distance has to be driveable. 

    How many more times did you have a friend leave the country? 

    Yinka: Twice. The next was in 2019, and I think it caused a major problem for me. Even though it was someone I’d known for roughly a year, I’m still trying to recover from no longer being able to see her. 

    Chidera* and I were coworkers. Our company hired her almost immediately after they hired me in 2018, and we spent a lot of time together, trying to solve the problems our bosses created for us. I wasn’t expecting us to build a strong friendship, but it happened. 

    It was a couple of months after she was hired. We met at a party one of my cousins had invited me to. Since she was the only person I knew outside of my cousin, we sat together. We talked about work and life outside of work. I think that’s when we realised we had a lot in common. We exchanged social media accounts and kept in touch. It started with tweets about shows we were watching, then it progressed to texts then calls. 

    Whenever we sat together to work, we barely got anything done. Even our co-workers knew how close we were. They said arguing with one of us was like arguing with both of us. Why? Because we always had each other’s back. 

    That’s so cute 

    Yinka: She was my confidant and best friend, and I knew I was hers too. We had sleepovers at each other’s houses, talked about the men in our lives and discussed plans to live a better life. 

    During one of such discussions, she mentioned applying for new jobs. At first, I thought her search was limited to Abuja, but she mentioned jobs in Lagos and Canada. 

    I sent her every link I could find to every job opening related to what she wanted to do. At a point, if you opened my phone, all you saw were job applications. I helped her fill her forms, and when she got the job, I took her out to dinner and we drank, cried and drank some more. 

    We found buyers for her property together. I bought the ticket she used to leave the country. And because her parents are late, I was the only person who followed her to the airport. Her only sibling was waiting to receive her in Canada. 

    How did it feel watching her leave? 

    Yinka: I didn’t leave the airport premises until she sent me a message that she’d boarded her flight. I refused to drive to the airport because my chest was too tight for me to think straight. And I cried so much, my Uber driver had to ask me if someone died. 

    I took a week off work and even left our former company three months after. I couldn’t work there anymore. It wasn’t the same without her. Chidera and I still speak, at least more than I do with Adeola or Betty. We had to schedule each other into our lives. We speak on the phone every Sunday afternoon and try to get up to date with what’s going on. I still miss her so much. I was supposed to travel to see her in 2020, but with COVID-19 and the lockdown, that didn’t happen. I’m planning another trip for later in 2023, so let’s hope nothing spoils that one. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: I Lost My Best Friend and I Blame Nigeria

    So watching a friend leave for the fourth time…

    Yinka: It was my cousin and she left in 2022. She’d gotten married during the pandemic in 2020, and her husband left for the USA in 2021. In 2022, they finally worked all their papers and she went to join him. I didn’t follow her to the airport or even attend her farewell party. I told her congratulations, sent her some money and prayed for her. Anything more was not in my power to do. I was numb to it all by this point.

    Why? 

    Yinka: I’m exhausted. Maybe it’s japa fatigue, but I don’t know how to process watching someone leave again. Sure, it’s not like they’re dying, but what’s the point? 

    The whole situation has made it even harder for me to make friends. Almost everyone you meet now is talking about leaving the country or asking you when you plan to leave. What’s the point of making a new friend who’ll leave you in a couple of months for greener pastures? I don’t blame them because Nigeria is hard. But it’s getting harder because I have no friends to lean on. I’m extremely lonely, and there’s not much I can do about it. 

    Do you want to leave Nigeria?

    Yinka: It seems like the sensible choice, but my answer is no. I don’t want to go. I’m my parents’ only child; I don’t want to leave them alone. I also don’t like the idea of starting over. Learning a new language? A new set of customs and behaviours? I can’t do it. I just hope things change in Nigeria so moving countries doesn’t become a prayer point for me in the future. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Politics Is Enough for Me to End Our Friendship

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: Politics Is Enough for Me to End Our Friendship

    Sunken Ships: Politics Is Enough for Me to End Our Friendship

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subject of this Sunken Ships is *Kunle (27), who tells us how he chose the elections over his friendship and why he can’t be friends with “politically irresponsible” people. 

    How did you become friends with this person?

    Kunle: I want to believe Femi* and I became friends the same day his mother started renting the shop beside my mothers. We were the same age and both spent a lot of time in the shops after school. We’d do our homework together and play football in front of the shops together. Sometimes, if my mum wants to go somewhere, she’d just leave me with Femi’s mum. I think we were even the reason our mums became friends. 

    When we were ten years old, we applied to the same secondary school and we became even closer. One of our mums will drop us off at resumption and they rotated picking us up as well as coming for our visiting days. At a point, people just assumed we were brothers. We shared many things and I knew I could always count on him and his mum and they could do the same. 

    That’s cute.

    Kunle: I won’t say cute exactly. It’s like we didn’t have any choice but to be friends. Being friends was the sensible option and it’s the one we chose. 

    So you didn’t like each other? 

    Kunle: We did o, but since with all the time we spent around each other, it was bound to happen. I just think if not for the proximity we had towards each other, it may not have happened. 

    Femi has always been a bit more outgoing and irresponsible than I have. While I was the first child, he’s the last born, so his parents were a lot more lenient with him than they were with me. Add to the fact that the age gap between him and the child immediately before him is five years, his parents and two siblings let him get away with almost anything. 

    I, on the other hand, had to deal with firstborn pressure. I’d have to look after not just myself, but my three younger siblings. There was a lot on my plate and a lot was expected from me. I tried to be that good example my siblings need. 

    So, it’s not like we didn’t like each other. I had grown to love him like a brother. It’s just that a lot of my life would have happened differently if not for him. 

    As in how? 

    Kunle: When we were 16, he got a girlfriend. That wasn’t a problem, but he felt I had to have one too, so he introduced me to her friend and we started dating. My mind wasn’t in that relationship, but I did it anyways. Femi was fun. To be friends with him, you have to be fun as well. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: What’s Friendship Without Trust

    Interesting. So did you remain friends till your adulthood? 

    Kunle: Yes, we did. However, we moved houses and by extension, shops. Femi and I’s friendship had already taken a hit when we both went to different universities, but we still saw each other when we could. After the move though, there was a time I didn’t see him for almost a full year. I was 20 then. Luckily, our mothers kept in touch and we reconnected as friends. We’d go to events, drink and watch football together. Just the little things to maintain the friendship. 

    I won’t say we were as close as we used to be, but we still treated each other like brothers. When his dad died in 2015, I went to the burial and stayed with him for a while. Even helped his mother with some running around seeing as the first son was not in the country anymore. 

    You guys had been through a lot together

    Kunle: Yes, we have. He was my longest friend, ever. 

    So why exactly did you both stop being friends?

    Kunle: The problem started around 2022 when people started declaring their interest in running for President. Out of all the candidates, I think there’s only one sensible option, and I thought it was so obvious, anyone with eyes can see it. Turned out, not everyone is interested in this country finally having progress. 

    When we started discussing politics, it turned out that my friend had another candidate in mind. I was not one of those politically serious people, but this election means a lot to me. Over half of my friend group has left the country in search of greener pastures. My rent is ridiculous and my salary is just enough for the things I need. Barely enough for savings and other things. I can’t continue in a Nigeria like this. So I started discussing politics with my friends a lot more than we usually did. I encouraged them to register for their PVC and to vote as well. I carried the matter on my head. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

    Political gbogbo 

    Kunle: Abeg. I don’t like how this country is and I want to do my part in making sure it changes. That’s why in the usual fashion of encouraging my friends to do things, I reached out to Femi to find out his plans for the election. As we were talking, I found out he planned to vote for a different candidate than me and that’s when the fighting started. I’d question him about the reasons for his choice and he’d never give me a sensible answer. I was irritated. I’d send presidential rallies, articles and videos to try to convince him otherwise, but he didn’t budge. 

    The day I saw him actively campaigning for his candidate? I wanted to beat him up. I knew his irresponsibility was a lot, but is he not tired of how this country is? To me, it was like he was actively putting our lives in danger. I didn’t care if he was just one vote. I couldn’t look past the display of foolishness. The friendship could not continue. Before someone will associate me with his brand of nonsense. 

    That was it? 

    Kunle: That was it. I didn’t need either reason. Which other reason could I have possibly needed? Political irresponsibility is basically murder. If you’re irresponsible with your vote, your candidate and the policies you support, you’re risking people’s lives by trying to elect the worst option possible. 

    Hmm

    Kunle: I simply stopped talking to him

    and he stopped talking to me either. We’re on two opposite sides, so there’s no fence sitting that can happen here. His mother still asks after me and I occasionally call to say hello, but Femi? Never again o. When we see each other outside, we act as if we don’t know each other. Our mutual friends have picked up on it, but they haven’t asked why exactly we stopped talking. 

    Do you regret it? 

    Kunle: My future and that of Nigeria is more important to me than any friendship. I can and will end any friendship over politics.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: My Work Wife Made the Job Enjoyable

    Starting next week (January 31st, 2023)

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: My Work Wife Made the Job Enjoyable

    Sunken Ships: My Work Wife Made the Job Enjoyable

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subject of this Sunken Ships, Alex*, talks to us about having a work wife, Shalom*, and navigating the job now that she and Alex no longer work together. 

    When did you meet this person? 

    Alex: I met Shalom in October 2020. We got hired at the same time and in our second week in the office we decided to meet in person. 

    Initially, I thought she didn’t like me for some reason, but when we met that day, she was much friendlier than I thought. 

    Was that when you got closer? 

    Alex: Not really. It wasn’t until one Friday, about a week or so after we met that she called me to get to know me. We hit it off immediately. At that point, I realised that if she had asked me to do all her work for her I would have. 

    I’m a very private person, but we followed each other on all the social media platforms. We liked the same books, I liked talking to her and I thought she was funny and brilliant. It made sense to follow each other everywhere. Over time, I started to send her funny TikToks. I never shut up about her and everyone in my life was tired of hearing about this person. I won’t lie. 

    It dawned on me that I loved her in a friend way when I made her a playlist. I don’t just make anyone playlists. There have been so many great moments in her presence and I have so much love for her that if at any point we stop being friends I’ll always root for her and I know she’ll be rooting right back. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: He’s the Reason I Started Making Playlists for People

    That’s so cute. What was working with her like?

    Alex: Well, we worked remotely, but working with her meant feeling seen. She understood what I struggled with because she was struggling with it too.  I looked forward to going to the office on the days we had to because she’d be there and I’d feel less alone. 

    She’s also more outgoing than me, so she made sure to include me in activities I’d have normally shied away from. Hell, I want to say she made me more productive. With her there, I actually wanted to get my work done. Working with her was great and she made work more fun. 

    How did you feel when she told you she was leaving?

    Alex: Conflicted. She wasn’t always very happy there and I wanted better for her but I also knew I was going to miss her. I felt so sad for the longest time because we were a team of two and I already felt alone and hidden in my office. With her gone, it’d be worse. 

    I think at first I was distant because I worried about things changing between us, but we just went right back to talking after like it didn’t happen. 

    When she left, it meant I had to do the work of two people alone and no one saw it as a problem until I pointed it out. It increased my workload and made me tired out, but that’s about it. I still have her in my life. 

    Damn. Do you miss working with her? 

    Alex: So much. She made work feel less than a job. She had the most original ideas and encouraged mine no matter how ridiculous. She also spoke up a lot in situations where other people were silent and I always admired that. Plus, she looked so fly all the time. A fine woman 100%. 

    Do you think you’re as close as you used to be? 

    Alex: I don’t think so but it’s just because we don’t work on the same office clock. I used to spend more time in my day talking to her about work and then about our personal lives. I no longer see her as often. 

    We still talk, send tweets, have long phone calls and send Tiktoks to one another. She’s my babe for life. I’d like to deliberately make time to plan a physical hang-out because she is one of the best people in my life right now. 

    Do you want her to come back?

    Alex: No honestly, but I will love to work with her again someday.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Love Isn’t Always Enough

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: Love Isn’t Always Enough

    Sunken Ships: Love Isn’t Always Enough

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subjects of this Sunken Ships, Eno* (23) and Emem* (21), share how love wasn’t enough in their relationship. They talk to us about the situations surrounding their breakup, choosing to remain friends and thoughts on getting back together. 

    How did the two of you meet? 

    Eno: We met in person in January 2020, but we started texting in December 2019 when I responded to one of her tweets. 

    She’ had mentioned she was coming to get yarn somewhere around my office for something she was crocheting. I jokingly asked her to buy me food. She did, and I gave her the most horrible directions she never let me live down. 

    Emem: Emphasis on the horrible directions part. I don’t know how they do it, but they can make you get lost on a straight road. I decided to come see them because I was bored. Also, we had been texting a lot leading up to that time, so I just thought seeing them wouldn’t be bad. It became a thing where whenever I was anywhere close to that area, I’d try to see them. 

    Eno: If we were not physically seeing each other, we were on calls for hours on end.  I was enamored by her and everything she did. I wondered how one person could be so full of life. She was amazing.

    Emem: Was? Ah. 

    Eno: Shut up. 

    LMAO. When did feelings get involved? 

    Eno: I realised she liked me in February when she tried to buy me a Valentine’s Day gift. She said she got gifts for all her friends, but she didn’t talk to me like someone who was talking to their friend. 

    Emem: Truly, I do buy gifts for my close friends every year, or I at least try to. With Eno, I said that because I didn’t think they liked me too. 

    Eno: I knew I had feelings for her, but I also had feelings for someone else. I couldn’t reconcile liking two people at once, and it kept leading to arguments. 

    I know it hit me one day in June. It was after one of our arguments. We weren’t speaking to each other, but I couldn’t stop thinking about her. With every errand I ran, I wanted to share the silly things that happened to me with her. That’s when it hit me that oh, I was actually in love with this person. 

    Emem: We started dating in the first week of July. I texted them one day and was like why don’t we do this relationship thing. 

    Eno: I wanted to ask, but she beat me to it. She always beat me to everything. Her blood is too hot. 

    Emem: If I like something, I go after it. I don’t like wasting time. 

    What was the relationship like?

    Eno: We were in love, and it felt perfect-ish, like we made sense together. The good days were really good, but the bad days were really bad. She always got me; I didn’t have to struggle to explain certain things I did or why I did them. 

    We had a messy beginning, and it took a toll on the relationship. I hated to admit it, but it did. Loving her was easy though. Unfortunately, in many ways, we kept hurting each other. One thing she used to say was, “Love is not enough” and she was right because it wasn’t. 

    Emem: I’m a broken person, and the thought that a relationship could be without drama was very new to me. I felt like problems were necessary, so when we solved them, it felt wrong. 

    The beginning was messy because they were new to relationships and wanted to go at a much slower pace than me. I think that was the main problem of our relationship; we never walked at the same pace.

    I wanted to buy them all the gifts I could buy, and show them off. But they wanted to be more intimate, to spend more time together, getting to really know each other. I felt we could figure ourselves out later on in the relationship, but they thought we should do all of that in the beginning. 

    By the time they started picking up the pace, I’d slowed down. 

    Is that why you broke up?  

    Eno: I didn’t listen enough to her physical and emotional needs, so we became incompatible somehow. I didn’t make her feel loved and wanted. 

    Emem: Instead of communicating with them how I felt, I kept letting it pile up till I just burst from frustration and annoyance. I dated them for two years, and for half of that time, we were walking on thin ice around each other. 

    Eno: She stopped getting me the way she used to. It’s like she forgot there were other parts of me than the ones she already knew. 

    She stopped asking me what movies I enjoyed and just kept referring the ones I watched when I was a teenager. It felt like she was stuck on the person she met and not the one she was growing in a relationship with. 

    Emem: We should’ve broken up a long time ago, but by November 2022, I knew we couldn’t enter the New Year the way we were, so I asked that we break up. 

    Eno: Every day after the breakup was hell. I cried so much and couldn’t eat, and I was miserable. I couldn’t share jokes with her or see her, and God, I cried. I cried on the bus and the road. Everywhere. I have no idea how I got anything done. 

    I knew we were going to break up, but I hoped we wouldn’t. Even though I was prepared for the possibility of a break up, the reality knocked the wind out of me. I was rendered useless. 

    I felt alone in my sadness. I didn’t know if I meant anything or if we were important. I hated the awkwardness that came with texting her. It was like a grating noise. She called me my name one time during text instead of the nickname she gave me and I cried myself to sleep.

    Emem: I may have asked that we break up, but I cried a lot. There were days when I’d want to call and tell them about my day, but I couldn’t. The realisation would lead to more tears. It was a lot. They’d weaved themselves into every corner of my life, and I couldn’t escape them. Their birthday is my password, so every time I opened my phone I was reminded of the fact that this person was no longer in my life. They were friends with my friends and we even had to do some work together. Even the book I was reading in school was bought for me by them. I couldn’t escape. 

    I felt like I had made a huge mistake with the break up, but at the same time, I knew I did the right thing. We needed to work on ourselves away from each other.  

    Eno: I missed all the silly things that made no sense to anyone but us, her teasing me, having someone be more excited than me about my stupid interests. I missed her in her entirety. 

    I also missed her mum. I didn’t know how much of our lives had become so intertwined until the break-up. She was unavoidable. I didn’t even want to avoid her. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: We Should Have Been Friends Before We Dated

    Is that why you’re still friends?

    Eno: To be honest, it was hard to be friends at first. I’d blocked her everywhere because everything was too painful a reminder of the relationship, but I missed her friendship. 

    We make the best friends. The jokes and conversations we have, I love them. I eventually responded to texts, called, and we fell into a comfortable routine a month after we broke up. 

    Emem: That’s my guy forever and ever. Even though the romantic part of our relationship suffered, the friendship was always there. We showed up for each other and even after we broke up, we still show up for each other. Being friends with Eno is a special type of relationship, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

    Eno: Yeah, what she said. 

    Emem: I greatly dislike you. 

    Eno: You love me.

    Emem: I really do.

    Something you learnt from the breakup? 

    Eno: I learnt that I’d somehow lost my sense of self. I didn’t know how to be soft anymore, how to enjoy my company, and I’m capable of being bold and better. Also that she’s softer than she lets me know. 

    Emem: I’ve always been a softie, but yeah, I was too hard with you. It’s unfortunate that almost everyone saw the softest version of myself but the person I was supposed to be in a relationship with. I learnt that I have problems, and I’m trying to work on them. But I’m enjoying this whole being single thing for now. 

    Do you see yourselves getting back together?

    Eno: Yes. Well, I hope so. 

    Emem: Yeah, I do, but like, not now. We have some personal things to discover. 

    Eno: And we need to make sure we won’t make the same mistakes we made the last time.

    Emem: Period, bestie. 

    What do you plan to do differently?

    Eno: If I feel more secure spending time with myself, I’d be able to show up more for her and actually listen to her and not just hear what I think. I’ll show her how much I love her at every given moment and make the silly TikTok with her. I’ll dance on the road with her and just enjoy her without asking her to be more or less than she is. 

    Emem: I’ll talk about things more. I didn’t know when I became so closed off to them, but I plan on opening up more. In fact, I’m even trying now. Abi? 

    Eno: Yes, you are. 

    Emem: Baby steps and a lot of hard work, but I try because I love the idiot.

    Eno: I might maybe love you too. 

    Emem: LMAO. You’re adorable.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: We’re Working on What Friendship Means After a Breakup

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sunken Ships: My Dad Ruined Our Relationship With His Work

    Sunken Ships: My Dad Ruined Our Relationship With His Work

    Ada (22) tells us about her relationship with her dad. She was a daddy’s girl growing up, but that relationship changed because her dad was more invested in his job than her. 

    So, your dad…

    Ada: When I was little, they told me I looked like my dad, that even though I was a girl, my dad loved me so much I took his face. 

    There’s nothing we didn’t do together. Whenever my mum shouted at me, I would report her to my dad, and he’d take me out for ice cream. My mum told me she’d given birth to my dad’s best friend. At a point, it felt like we were a family on our own, and my mum was the outsider. 

    How? 

    Ada: Every Sunday from the age of five till when I went to boarding school when I was ten, my dad and I spent Sundays together. 

    My mum would stay in church really late. My dad would buy me Super Yogo and sugar cane, and we’d walk back home together, leaving her. Then he’d dish food for us to eat together. When my mum comes back, my dad and I would go to the supermarket to buy groceries. He’d give me money to buy whatever it is I wanted, but he’d still buy me chocolates, ice cream and snacks. I’d end up saving the money because I wouldn’t need to spend it on anything. 

    You were a daddy’s girl 

    Ada: A big one. It was just me growing up, and my dad was very invested in taking care of me. My mum always complained that he was spoiling me, but my dad didn’t care. He’d cook for me and serve me my food, wash the socks I wore to school and carry me to my room whenever I fell asleep on the couch. 

    I don’t think I ever doubted that my dad loved me. He took care of me and encouraged me. He always expected great things from me and I was so happy whenever I hit and surpassed the goals he set for me academically. I told my dad everything and he was my best friend. We played board games together, washed the car together and watched the news together. 

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    What changed? 

    Ada: When I went to boarding school at the age of ten, I saw my dad less. He hardly came for my visiting days, open days or PTA meetings. My mum did all the running around for that. My dad was busy working. Whenever I came home for the holidays though, we spent time together but it wasn’t as frequent as it was when I was younger. In fact, the more time passed, the less I saw of him. My final year in secondary school, he came only once, the day of my graduation. 

    I think his job was the major cause of distance between us. He worked every day including Saturdays and so he spent his Sundays resting. We no longer did our Sunday routines and it hurt. 

    It was our chance to catch up and talk about our week. We’d fill each other in on the people annoying us in our lives and he always gave me advice on what to do and how to do it. Not being able to do that means there was a lot of me my dad no longer knew about. He didn’t know that my dreams had changed and my life was going in a different direction. 

    I’m sorry about that 

    Ada: I was losing my best friend and it felt like there was nothing I could do to get him back. The work he did made him angrier and we fought more. He was always angry. He’d come back home and just start picking on me. If I cooked, there was always something wrong with the food. 

    When I was 17, I remember when I was watching television with them in the house. It was a funny scene and I started to laugh, but then he said I was laughing too loud and should stop. The father I grew up with wouldn’t have done that to me. My mum said he had a stressful day at work and my laughter was disturbing him. 

    I stopped staying in the living room with them and kept to myself. Whenever I knew he was coming home, I’d find an excuse to not sleep in the house because I can’t be apologising for breathing. 

    What’s your relationship like now? 

    Ada: He’s about to retire and now he’s trying to build a relationship with me. He keeps giving me money and buying me expensive things but I don’t really care for it. 

    I don’t see him anymore because we don’t live in the same state. My mum keeps begging me to try to repair the relationship, but I’m tired. Why am I the one that has to do the work of repairing it? He recently apologised to me for hurting my feelings, but he still constantly tries to make me feel like it’s all in my head. It’s not. I’m self conscious about hanging around people because I grew up with a dad that started treating me like a disturbance. The money he’s made from the work won’t change that, and neither will his apologising. 

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    Itohan Esekheigbe

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