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  • Yoruba Men Are My Kryptonite

    Dating a Yoruba man is something most people do to build character. Some consider this extreme sport as a cry for help and a means of inflicting self-harm. From the Tundes to the Femis, Yoruba men will leave you wishing you chose a life of celibacy. Today, I spoke to a 25-year-old lady who has been in 6 awful relationships, dated only Yoruba men and considers them her Kryptonite.

    Man No. 1

    I was 16 years old when I started dating guy number 1. He was twice as old as me if not older and kept pressuring me to have sex with him. This man was already talking about getting married and settling down with me but the whole thing was just off. I had just graduated from secondary school and now that I think of it, he was definitely a predator. I turned him down every time he asked for sex and broke things off when I found out he was 2 years older than my stepmother. We only dated for 6 months.

    Man No. 2

    When I realised that man number 1 was weird, I ghosted. I started talking a certain neighbour of mine who lived in the next street. He was 7 years older than I was, a med student as at the time and the first man I ever slept with. We dated for a while but it was on and off before we drifted apart. In the second year, we were only seeing each other once a year and things only got worse after I left my city to another state for schooling. 

    Man No. 3

    Shortly after I moved to a new state, guy number 2 stopped talking to me. We were still in a relationship but not really. I met guy number 3, he was such a lovely man. We started talking and one thing led to another and we had sex. Problem is, I got pregnant. I had just turned 18 and I wasn’t ready to be a mother. Deep down, I knew my life was going to be over if I kept the baby so I had an abortion. I didn’t tell anyone until after.

    Man No. 4

     This was my serious relationship. I met guy number 4 in my school. He was a lecturer for one of the general courses. This was one of the youngest I’ve dated as he was just 2 years older than me. He was fresh out of NYSC and this was his first job. I found him intriguing. We didn’t do anything until he left school, after which, we started dating.

    Our sex was phenomenal, he is the best sex I’ve ever had till date. However, the downside to him was that he was very manipulative, hot-tempered and he physically abused me. In the course of the relationship, he hit me about 4 times. 

    The first time he hit me, we had a fight and he beat me up. Omo, I left his house. This guy came to my house begging and crying. Also, he was fond of randomly breaking up with me every time we had a disagreement. I would want to talk thing out but he would act like his mind was made up.

    One time, I travelled to see my dad and he broke up with me. I took the next bus to Lagos to see him. I got to Lagos in the night and this guy left me outside his house until 3:00 am. That night we fought and he beat me up, I decided to just break things off. This was actually the second instance he hit me. 

    The fourth and last time he hit me, I smashed everything in his house. 

    My sisters were the only ones who knew he was abusive and they made sure I cut him off entirely. I was a little reluctant cause this was my first serious relationship and my family knew him and I loved him so much. In the end, I knew it wasn’t worth risking my life for. By the time he came begging again, I had already moved on from him. I was 21- 23 years old when I dated him.

    Man No. 5 

    I met guy number 5 during my NYSC days. It was just 2 months after breaking things off with guy number 4. Funny enough, I don’t think he was a rebound. He came into my life when I needed someone. I didn’t think I was going to find love after guy number 4. 

    The relationship was very blissful but I grew suspicious of him. My instincts felt a bit off about him. I asked if he was in a relationship and he told me he just broke up with his girlfriend. My suspicion grew whenever I was at his place because he would enter one of the rooms and be making calls. It felt like he was always hiding. 

    He didn’t let me follow him on social media so I decided to create an Instagram burner account to stalk him. That was how I found out he had a serious girlfriend. I met him in June. In July, he had his wedding introduction. It was on a Saturday, that Monday, he was with me. I didn’t even do all this research until December. 

    When I confronted him, he told me he didn’t lie to me, he just withheld information. 

    In January he told me he was getting married. By April, he got married. When I wanted to leave but he started weeping and begging and I really loved him. I don’t think I’ve loved anyone as much as I’ve loved this man. I agreed to stay with him. Four-month after he got married, we were still dating, it became exhausting so I ended things.  

    I still follow him and his wife on my burner to date.

    Man No. 6

    I met guy number 6 when he was a corper with me in NYSC. We hit things off and started dating. Thing is, guy number 5 came into the picture again and I couldn’t resist him so we started hanging out and having sex again. I have ended things with him for good. However, guy number 6 is non-commital to our relationship and it’s just off-putting. We live 20 minutes away from each other but since the lockdown, we’ve only seen each other 4 times. I plan on breaking up with him this week. 

    Recommended: Important Things You Should Know Before Dating Yoruba Men

    Eris Ekanem

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  • 9 Women Talk About Dating Yoruba Men

    The term “Yoruba demons” has become something of a buzzword in the Nigerian dating scene. Some women say they would make the devil himself jealous with the devious machinations of their minds, while others don’t quite understand what all the ruckus around them is about.

    We asked 9 Nigerian women about their experience dating Yoruba men and this is what they said:

    Vivain, 31: “I was dating myself”

    Lol! I haven’t dated a Yoruba man, my dear. Who I dated was myself. For a whole year. This Yoruba man I thought I was dating had a fiancee in Nigeria, who he first told me was his sister, then his cousin, then his ex who he broke up with because she had gotten pregnant for his best friend. Meanwhile, the poor girl was there faithfully sending daily nudes and weekly personal porn videos. The man even got his older sister and mother to swear to me on their lives that he was single. So yes, I’ve dated a Yoruba man and by the special grace of God I lived to tell the story.

    Esosa, 30: “It was awful.”

    It was awful, he cheated and bragged about the number of women he slept with on Facebook. He mentioned their names and that was when I knew I was dating a real demon.

    Niki, 25: “I loved the idea of being with him.”

    That my experience wasn’t great isn’t an indictment on the entire tribe. However, I dated an only son from a rich family. A spoilt, cruel brat who got whatever he wanted and thought it would extend to me. Looking back at it now I don’t think I loved him. I loved the idea of being with him. How good we looked together. I had to shut him down anyway when he started getting worse. I cut him off and blocked him and his friends everywhere so they couldn’t get access to me for any reason.

    Ifeoma, 27: “Everything they said about them is true.”

    My most recent past relationship was with a Yoruba man. Well, everything they said about them is true. I sha didn’t experience any kind of infidelity. But the talkativeness, craftiness, dishonesty, ahhh very poor personal hygiene, lazyyyyy.

    Sylvia, 24: “It was fun while it lasted.”

    It was acutally a good experience, we had fun while it lasted.

    Nkay, 25: “He was good to me.”

    Most part of the dating was online. He was good to me and he was super smart. The arguments weren’t a lot and I was extremely happy. He was stingy back then sha.

    Lilian, 25: “The Yoruba Demon thing is real.”

    The experience is hell, some days heaven, the Yoruba demon thing is real. Especially if the guy is a fine boy, bonus, if he has a beard and is dark.

    Dinma, 23: “It was a bittersweet experience.”

    Dated no, flirted with yes. Always romantic, and knowing the right things to say to a lady. Pretend they understand you but they really don’t care. It was a bitter sweet experience but it ended in tears.

    Nelly, 29: “The first one cheated on me.”

    I have dated two Yoruba men. They are very romantic… gifts, a fun time,  words of affirmation, the whole works. The first one cheated on me and the second was too busy with work so we hardly saw.

    Did you relate to any experience on the list? Or do you have more tea to spill? Send a mail to blessing@bigcabal.com if you do and we’ll get right to it.

    Meanwhile, we also have a list of annoying things single women in Nigeria are tired of for you to read.

    Blessing Onyelobi

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  • The Complete Guide to Being a Yoruba Demon

    Originally published four years ago in November 2015, The Complete Guide To Being A Yoruba Demon is a Zikoko classic that we’ve brought back due to popular demand.

    Lagos big boy =/= Yoruba** Demon; But they do share some similarities. And contrary to popular opinion, anyone can be a Yoruba Demon.

    **Yoruba: (adj) Yoruba, as used here, does not refer to the tribe. The Term ‘Yoruba’ describes a heartless, cheating, lying person. Usually male.

    1. The White Trad.

    If you don’t have a white trad – Agbada, Buba and Sokoto – starched with tears and broken hearts, you’re honestly not ready to undertake this journey.

    2. The Black Trad.

    Wear it. Look devastatingly hot in it. This is for the elite club of lucifer’s henchmen. The Black Trad is for the higher ranking Yoruba Demons.

    3. A main phone…usually an iPhone.

    Always the latest iPhone. I’ll explain the reason in coming numbers.

    4. A supporting phone…Usually a Samsung Galaxy Mobile.

    Also always the latest model. I swear there’s a reason why.

    5. Dark shades.

    Aviators or Ray Bans. These are to protect your eye movements. You can be talking to one girl and impregnating scoping like 4 others.

    6. A Plush Ride…Toyota Camry and Above.

    Now, Lagos Big Boys can just show off their car keys. That’s not enough for a Yoruba Demon. You have to have the actual car. Girls have to see you in that car. How else will you convince them that you can take care of them?

    7. A main chic…an actual main girlfriend.

    The girl you show to the world. This is the person whose number you store on the iPhone. The one you love and plan to marry. Almost always an Igbo* girl. She can match you heartlessness for heartlessness.

    *Igbo: (adj) Igbo, as used here, does not refer to the tribe. The Term ‘Igbo’ describes a heartless – sometimes cheating – person. Usually female.

    8. Like 23 Side Chics.

    You populate the Samsung Galaxy contact list with these ones. They’re the ones you spend all your money on. But you never, EVER get photographed with them. That never ends well.

    9. A sincere smile.

    This is how you melt all girls’ hearts. When you smile, panties should drop, hearts should open, intestines should sing!

    10. A lying tongue.

    You cannot let them suspect you. You have to be a smooth operator. Lie circles around them. It’s your legacy.

    11. A gaping hole where your heart should be.

    See, this is the only way you can justify what comes next. You didn’t honestly think you could do this and remain human did you?

    12. Roaming eyes.

    Your eyes are constantly scouting for the next target. It’s a hard knock life, really.

    13. A Cheating Spirit.

    When you have no heart, a cheating spirit settles into where your heart should be. And you take your final place as a Yoruba Demon.

    14. A string of broken hearts in your wake.

    Break them! All of them. 10 broken hearts is nothing to a true Yoruba demon. Break them and walk way like a superstar!

    15. A long line of willing hearts in your future.

    As a Yoruba Demon, your work is never done. So you keep moving forward. Break more hearts and don’t look back.

    You’re welcome.

    Last, last sha, it’s you guys we will still marry.

    Odunayo

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  • Somewhere in Nigeria, a group of men are currently updating their list on how to beautifully ruin someone’s life with their charm.

    As they are updating that list, they are finding new ways to end one relationship with someone else.

    It could be you sis, or me. Actually maybe both of us.

    But don’t worry, I cracked the code so we can end this nonsense once and for all.

    So far, my investigation has shown the multiple ways a Yoruba Demon can break up with you.

    Now you can protect yourself. And if you’re lucky enough to see any of these signs before the set time, just run!

    The first thing I figured out is this: once you start hearing “it’s not you, it’s me”, please just agree, it’s him.

    Just leave him and let him date himself.

    According to the Book of Yoruba Demons chapter 7 vs 23, in some cases he actually loves you, but…

    …you’re too good for him.

    ”Baby, my pastor called me after church and told me we have to end it. He said you’re not the one for me”.

    But wait, Tobi you don’t even go to church.

    Once he starts fighting over every little thing, that’s the beginning of the end.

    “But why can’t you just fold the toilet roll when you finish using it? Ha!”

    “Sorry, the number you’ve dialed does not exist, please check the number and dial again.”

    Once you hear this more than 4 times, I’m sorry sis.

    Or you try to DM him on Instagram and as soon as you open Instagram you see a picture of his new babe.

    “No no no my eyes are deceiving me. I’ve actually needed glasses for a while now.”

    Or in most cases you don’t even get the opportunity to see his babe, because he has blocked you.

    At least what you don’t know won’t kill you.

    While you’re still in doubt, you head over to his house and that gateman you used to give 50 naira everyday comes out and says…

    …ha aunty, sorry o. Oga said I should not open the gate for you.

    The grandmaster of all their break up strategies. I don’t know if you’re ready for this one.

    “Please just say it, you’ve already started the damage anyway. What could be worse?”

    He sends you a wedding invitation.

    “She has fainted o! Sister wake up, wake up! Bring water o!”

    If you’ve never experienced any of these, I hope you don’t.

    And if you have, please tell us your experiences. Let’s be ready.

    Eniola

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  • 6 Things Your Mum Told You About Boys That Turned Out To Be True

    1. “Men are not to be trusted”

    He told you to marry him and the next week you got his wedding invite abi? We’ve all seen that one.

    2. “Boys are stinky”

    You think you smell perfume but all all you smell is lies.

    3. “If a boy touches you, you’ll get pregnant”

    No words needed.

    4. “Boys don’t have sense”

    They think you don’t have all their side chicks on speed dial.

    5. “If you die on top of a boy, he’ll bring a girl to your funeral”

    You thought your mum was saying rubbish, now can you see for yourself?

    6. “Boys are selfish”

    No? Explain to me why one man needs 5 girls again?

    Shola

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  • What Happens When A Yoruba Demon Finally Finds The One?

    Gather round children!

    After decades worth of heartbreak records in the bag and oceans of tears used to starch his demonic Agbada, something surprising happens.

    A Yoruba demon finds the one!

    But what will he do about it?

    Like this Nollywood movie featuring Nigeria’s darling, Odunlade Adekola, this is what he would do.

    He rouses from the depths of slumber and looks upon his newly found bae and “guidance angel”.

    It must be at midnight, not at any other time! Maybe in better grammar sha.

    He resolves to have a change of heart.

    And stop all the plans of wickedness and heartbreak he initially had in stock for her.

    And with tears of passion in his eyes…

    He declares his love for her.

    And decides to marry her.

    And spend what is left of his demonic years with her.

    Will he be haunted by the ghosts of all the hearts he has broken? Will his true colours shine through that dazzling agbada of his? We wait!

    [zkk_poll post=22623 poll=content_block_standard_format_8]

    Maryam

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  • According To This Woman, Igbo Boys Are The New Demons

    To all the Yoruba boys tired of being tagged as demons and henchmen of the devil, hope is finally here.

    A new specie of heart breakers have been discovered to prove that Yoruba boys might have fellows after all.

    In the words of Twitter user @maryannivy who shared her bitter experience, “Igbo boys are the devil.”

    What do you think of this story?

    [zkk_poll post=16581 poll=content_block_standard_format_37]

    Maryam

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  • Jessica Jones: All The Times Kilgrave Proved He Was A Yoruba Demon
    Ever watched the Netflix hit show, Jessica Jones? Ever thought.. “there is something eerily similar between the Yoruba demons frequently described by Zikoko and the villain Kilgrave”? Yup! We feel the exact same way and we have all the evidence that Kilgrave is just like your evil ex boyfriend who just won’t let somebody prosper in peace!

    When he tried to come between your friendships like…

    And your friends never had anything good to say about your relationship.

    Because he often said things like…

    And had you hit rock bottom so hard.

    That on some days you just wanted to end it all.

    But when you tried to walk away he hit you with reverse psychology.

    But you knew he was the mad one because all his victims had a support group.

    So you gathered all your strength and left.

    And all your friends and family were relieved.

    You were finally free… for two weeks before he returned like..

    And tried to pile the love on thick.

    Then tried to scare away your new bae.

    And all you could think was… #EppMePlix!

    Because he was relentless in trying to get you back.

    Till you started to think maybe you could change him.

    So you told your friend you were thinking of going back.

    And he quickly started to show his true colours again…

    And even his father had to warn you…

    Because really, his plan was simple.

    But he didn’t know you’d finally toughened up.

    Guess who’s in charge now, bruh?

    Because life is really too short to stay with someone who makes you unhappy. Written by Zikoko contributor, Adebola Rayo.

    Damilola

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