Originally published four years ago in November 2015, The Complete Guide To Being A Yoruba Demon is a Zikoko classic that we’ve brought back due to popular demand.
Lagos big boy =/= Yoruba** Demon; But they do share some similarities. And contrary to popular opinion, anyone can be a Yoruba Demon.
**Yoruba: (adj) Yoruba, as used here, does not refer to the tribe. The Term ‘Yoruba’ describes a heartless, cheating, lying person. Usually male.
1. The White Trad.
If you don’t have a white trad – Agbada, Buba and Sokoto – starched with tears and broken hearts, you’re honestly not ready to undertake this journey.
2. The Black Trad.
Wear it. Look devastatingly hot in it. This is for the elite club of lucifer’s henchmen. The Black Trad is for the higher ranking Yoruba Demons.
3. A main phone…usually an iPhone.
Always the latest iPhone. I’ll explain the reason in coming numbers.
4. A supporting phone…Usually a Samsung Galaxy Mobile.
Also always the latest model. I swear there’s a reason why.
5. Dark shades.
Aviators or Ray Bans. These are to protect your eye movements. You can be talking to one girl and impregnating scoping like 4 others.
6. A Plush Ride…Toyota Camry and Above.
Now, Lagos Big Boys can just show off their car keys. That’s not enough for a Yoruba Demon. You have to have the actual car. Girls have to see you in that car. How else will you convince them that you can take care of them?
7. A main chic…an actual main girlfriend.
The girl you show to the world. This is the person whose number you store on the iPhone. The one you love and plan to marry. Almost always an Igbo* girl. She can match you heartlessness for heartlessness.
*Igbo: (adj) Igbo, as used here, does not refer to the tribe. The Term ‘Igbo’ describes a heartless – sometimes cheating – person. Usually female.
8. Like 23 Side Chics.
You populate the Samsung Galaxy contact list with these ones. They’re the ones you spend all your money on. But you never, EVER get photographed with them. That never ends well.
9. A sincere smile.
This is how you melt all girls’ hearts. When you smile, panties should drop, hearts should open, intestines should sing!
10. A lying tongue.
You cannot let them suspect you. You have to be a smooth operator. Lie circles around them. It’s your legacy.
11. A gaping hole where your heart should be.
See, this is the only way you can justify what comes next. You didn’t honestly think you could do this and remain human did you?
12. Roaming eyes.
Your eyes are constantly scouting for the next target. It’s a hard knock life, really.
13. A Cheating Spirit.
When you have no heart, a cheating spirit settles into where your heart should be. And you take your final place as a Yoruba Demon.
14. A string of broken hearts in your wake.
Break them! All of them. 10 broken hearts is nothing to a true Yoruba demon. Break them and walk way like a superstar!
15. A long line of willing hearts in your future.
As a Yoruba Demon, your work is never done. So you keep moving forward. Break more hearts and don’t look back.
You’re welcome.
Last, last sha, it’s you guys we will still marry.
