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  • Nigerian Women Talk About Navigating Harassment in “Safe” Spaces

    Trigger warning: Sexual harassment

    When women complain about sexual harassment, the typical question that follows is, “Where were you?” implying that they had to be in a questionable location for it to happen. 

    But what happens when the harassment happens somewhere that’s supposed to be safe? Seven Nigerian women share their experience with sexual harassment in situations where they least expected it’d happen.

    Image designed by Freepik

    At the gynaecologist’s office

    — Audrey, 27

    I went to the hospital for a pap smear, and the male gynaecologist kept saying I had a beautiful face. I was uncomfortable, but I politely smiled and said, “Thank you”. When it was time for the smear, he directed a female student doctor to do it. I was immediately relieved, but my relief was short-lived. 

    Anyone who’s taken a smear test knows you’re naked from the waist down, knees in the air, and entirely exposed when the speculum is inserted. The person performing the test usually sits at eye level of your cervix. In this case, it was the female student doctor. But this guy stood behind the female doctor all through, staring at my cervix. He made it seem like he was directing the student, but he was staring at me, and even commented that I had a “beautiful cervix”.

    When the student was done, she had issues with removing the speculum. So, this guy reached in — with ungloved hands — to remove it. Then he slightly tapped my vagina. I felt violated, but I wasn’t sure if I was thinking too much about it. After the test, he asked for my WhatsApp number so he could “forward the results” to me. I didn’t report him. Who would take me seriously in a government hospital? 

    In her home

    — Nini*, 24

    My dad had a stroke a few years ago that left him mute and immobile. After the initial treatment at the hospital, he was discharged, and my family paid for a physiotherapist to come help with his movement thrice a week.

    I was usually the only one at home when the physiotherapist came, and he soon started flirting with me. I didn’t think he was serious, so I’d just laugh him off. He was much older and really friendly. He would say stuff like, “Shey you’ll be my second wife?” but I didn’t see the need to complain to my mum.

    Then, one day, he asked me to help him move my dad for a particular exercise. When I did, he grabbed and kissed me. My dad’s back was turned, but he was literally in the room! I screamed, and he must’ve panicked because he hurriedly left. He never came back to treat my dad.

    In a place of worship

    — Moyin*, 21

    I used to have nightmares as a 12-year-old, and my typical Nigerian mum decided I needed deliverance. I was taken to one ori-oke (mountain top) for a three-day vigil, and my mum wasn’t allowed to stay with me. 

    It was a youth-focused deliverance program, so every other person was underage like me. On the last night, we had to meet the religious head individually for special prayers. He wasn’t alone when I got to his office. There was one other man and two women holding candles, praying. They made me lie on my back on the floor, and the religious head lay spread out on top of me. I think it was supposed to be a power transfer or healing thing.

    I should note that we were both fully clothed, but the man was moving back and forth on top of me. It went on for about five minutes before I was asked to leave. I only realised years later that this man was actually grinding on me with a full-on erection.

    RELATED: A Timeline of Silence: Why Does Sexual Violence Have Little Consequence?

    At the office

    — Lola, 29

    I once had a boss who, for the one year I worked with him, didn’t hide the fact that he wanted to sleep with me. 

    Anytime he managed to catch me alone, he’d smack my ass or pinch my cheeks. When he noticed I deliberately tried to avoid him, he’d give me never-ending tasks or shout at me for no reason. I endured it for a year because I was dead broke and wasn’t about to leave my salary without having another job lined up.

    In a police station

    — Flora*, 31

    A friend was picked up by the police for riding on an okada, so I went with some of his family to try to get him released. The officer handling his case leered at me all through the time we were there. 

    At first, I ignored him, and he kept frustrating us. But my friend’s brother begged me to try to be friendly with the officer so he’d be more helpful. I plastered a smile on my face, and sure enough, the officer became helpful. When my friend was finally released, the officer went, “Won’t you hug me to say thank you?” I acted like I didn’t hear him and walked out of the station as fast as I could.

    In the library

    — Sarah, 19

    I used to visit a public library close to my home frequently until the day a man exposed his genitals to me. 

    He was sitting across from me, and I noticed he kept fidgeting. After a while, he called my attention and gestured under the desk, implying that I had dropped something. I bent to look and instantly came face to face with his genitals. I was too shocked to say anything, and immediately moved to another section. There were a few other people in the library, but I kept thinking, “What if he comes to meet me here?” So, I just decided to leave altogether. It was crazy.

    With a family member

    — Danielle*, 22

    When I was around 6 years old, there was this uncle who regularly visited. I really disliked him because he always made me sit on his legs even when I protested.

    My parents didn’t mind, but the day I complained to my mum that there was “something in his pocket” that always poked me was when I stopped seeing him at our house. Now, I know what the something in his pocket was, but I wish my parents had prevented him from making me sit on his legs in the first place. That’ll never happen to my kids.

    *Some names have been changed for anonymity.

    If you found this relatable, you should read this next:

    “He Shared My Nudes With His Friends” — Nigerian Women on Being Slut-Shamed by Their Partners

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    Tife Oni

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  • 7 Subtle Things That Are Actually Peak Misogyny

    As much as everyone wants to act like they’re progressive and they know better now, people still move around thinking women are inferior to men and showing their misogyny in less obvious ways.

    The things on this list hide under the guise of “subtle misogyny”, but there’s nothing subtle about them.

    Mansplaining

    “I met a guy, who told me he was an entertainment lawyer. He wanted to explain what he meant, but I told him I know what it is and how he’s different from other types of lawyers. He laughed, genuinely delighted that I knew the difference even though I’m not a lawyer.” — Tito*, 29

    Thinking women can’t pay for themselves

    “Whenever I go out with a man, waiters always look to him to pay the bills. Even when I give them my ATM card, they still pass the POS machine to the man for the pin. God forbid I pay cash, they will pass the change to the man too.”

    — Kiishi, 26

    Taking permission from other men to talk to the women they’re with

    “One time at Moist beach, I was dancing with my friends, and one of them was a man. Some guy came into our group, said hello to my male friend, and then asked for his permission to talk to me. I didn’t even clock what happened at first because I thought he was just saying hello because he knew him. Turns out he was a complete stranger, but he thought it was okay to ask another man for permission to talk to me.” — Tolu*, 29


    Outright dismissal 

    “We had an electrician come to check our prepaid metre one time. There were some issues with it, so our landlord sent him over to check. When he came, he just went straight to tinkering with the metre. I came outside and asked him to introduce himself because how do you come to someone’s house and start touching without even explaining? He said, “Call your husband for me. It’s not your business”. I wanted to run mad. And the annoying thing is if you respond in annoyance, it’ll turn to “Women are unreasonable or like creating a scene.” I just went back inside to protect my peace.” — Dinma*, 45

    Having strong opinions on how women should live their lives

    “I studied Architecture in uni, and Architecture students tend to be antisocial or reclusive, mostly socialising with each other. But I hated my course and was one of the few people with a social life outside of Architecture, so people in school always thought I was studying something in the arts. One time I was having a conversation with this guy, a fellow student in a higher level. When he heard what I was studying, he said he hates it when girls stress themselves to study a course like Architecture for no reason, when they know they’ll still get married and be taken care off.” — Lola, 27

    Supporting men over women for no logical reason

    “One time, I sat in the front passenger’s seat of a taxi because I thought it would be more comfortable. A man flagged the taxi and insisted he wanted to sit where I was, and instead of the driver to tell him off, he told me to move to the back. Best believe I stormed out of the car.” — Fatima, 18

    Thinking women asking for help proves their weakness

    “As a musician, I was looking for a guitarist to practice with me for my live performances when someone referred this guy. I started talking to him about my setlist and performance plans just to see where his head was at and if he’d be a good fit. So at some point, I said, something along the lines of, “You’ll basically help me make the performances lively”, and his response was, “Of course, women are weak, so they always need a male figure to support.” I’ve never been so speechless in my life, and I definitely got a different guitarist.” — Lolade, 27

    Chioma Munachi

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  • “What’s It Like Growing Up Too Fast?” — We Asked These Nigerians

    “I became the third parent” — Tola, 27

    I’m a first-born daughter and that meant that from an early age, I had to fill in for my mum who had a full-time job. I hated every minute of it because I didn’t even know what I was doing. I learned to cook at age 7 and I was in charge of all house chores. I thought it’d get better when I left for university, and it did for a while. But then I graduated from school and got an awesome job. I started making my own money, and requests for financial assistance have been pouring in from everyone. I’m back here, living my life for them, and it feels like there’ll never be an end to it.

    “Losing my dad forced me to grow up” — Daniel, 24

     I had a sheltered background, but everything changed when I lost my dad. I was 16 at the time, and I had two other siblings. My mum was a petty trader, so we quickly went from being relatively comfortable to very poor. What made it worse was that we weren’t close to the extended family, and my parents were all I had. 

    I had to make money to survive somehow because my mother still had two kids (14 and 12) to take care of. I started with the easiest thing I could think of — laundry. I was washing clothes for my classmates for ₦‎200 a piece, even missing classes sometimes. I quickly became popular for this and soon started my own laundromat in school. My grades weren’t bad, but I’d gotten too preoccupied with making money that I’d lost interest in school.

    Eventually, I discovered tech through a friend and started learning how to code. I was 19 at this point and I already had a lot of money saved up from my business. I shut it down to focus on school and coding. I graduated at 20 and got my first job two months before graduation. In many ways, losing my dad forced me to grow up faster. Even though I’m sad that he’s gone, I’m still grateful for the road that brought me here.

    “I wasn’t ready to go to the university when I did” — Feyi, 29

    Growing up, I was the ideal child. I was well-behaved, got good grades, and made my parents proud. I even skipped two classes in secondary school and got into the university at 14. It’s not that I was done with secondary school, but I’d taken JAMB and GCE in SS2 and passed really well. I got admitted to study medicine and my life pretty much looked like a straight line towards becoming a doctor at 20.

    I got into school and quickly found out how brutal it was. I wasn’t used to the long classes. I’d never lived outside of home, and I didn’t even know how to take care of myself outside the influence of my parents. But that was easy to learn. The hardest part was blending in with people who were several years older than me. 

    I had classmates who had boyfriends, and who’d talk about sex like it wasn’t a big deal. Meanwhile, the closest thing I ever had to a boyfriend was a class crush that lasted one term. I didn’t even know “Netflix and Chill” meant something else until my third year in school. 

    Even though I’ve always been proud of the fact that I grew up fast and had excellent grades, I realized that I had poor social skills.Growing up too fast had done nothing to prepare me for life in school.

    “My parents were never around so I had no choice” — Ibrahim, 22

    My parents worked late every day, and they went to parties on weekends. It also didn’t help that I was the first of  five kids. We used to have a maid, but she was sent away after she had a physical fight with my mum. Somehow, all her duties were transferred to me when I was only 8. 

    I’d take care of my siblings after school and wash their uniforms. I cooked most of the food we ate, and I did most of the chores around the house, with my siblings doing as little as possible because they were really young. The worst part was that I had mischievous siblings, who made sure I always got into trouble with our parents for things they did. That gave me a huge sense of responsibility to keep them in check. It’s probably why I’m such a control freak now. But looking back, the experience gave me invaluable life skills.

    “I started working when I was 15” — Amaka, 25

    My family fell on hard times after my father died, and my mum didn’t have enough money to support all four of us through school. After I graduated from secondary school, my mum told me to wait a few years and work before going to university. This was so she could have enough money to support my two other siblings through school.

    I started out working as a waiter at a nearby restaurant for ₦‎15,000 monthly when I should have been in school. A lot of it was demeaning and I was sacked two years later when I slapped a customer who tried to harass me. With the help of someone I met at the restaurant, I went on to learn how to import shoes from China and sell them for huge profits. In my first round of sales, I made ₦‎90,000 in profit. That was the highest amount of money I’d ever seen in my life at that time.

    I continued with the business and used the money to support the family and enrol in school. It wasn’t the most horrible experience, but it forced me to grow up and learn to fend for myself.

    NEXT READ: We Asked 7 Nigerians for the Biggest Lies They’ve Told on Their CVs

    Sheriff Alimi

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