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It’s January AKA the month when more 9-5ers than usual quit their jobs because they’re ringing in the new year with a new branch of capitalism job.
This affects you as a co-worker because you’re stuck doing their work till your employer finds a replacement, if they ever do. Plan ahead by recognising these signs.
They’re unnecessarily hyper for January
TBH, the only way someone can be excited about returning to work after the holidays is if they have something exciting to look forward to. In this case, a better job. Look at that overly excited colleague with new eyes today.
They complain less
Suddenly, they no longer join you to gossip about your annoying boss and work wahala. It means they’re already one leg out. Be alert.
You start seeing them on social media
Everyone and their grandmother knows one of the first rules of the co-worker code is to block your co-workers on social media so you can rant about them in peace. Once you start seeing them on social media, it means they no longer see you as a threat AKA you’re no longer a co-worker.
Their social media posts are sus
They start dropping posts like, “Excited about what the next few months hold”. Do you really need another clue?
They ask about payslips
Who cares about tax deductions and all that math if it’s not that some other HR officer is asking for it so they can decide their benefits?
They miss meetings
Why would they care about meetings when the only thing on their mind is how to start orientation at their new company?
They go on leave or suddenly become sick
They want to enjoy as much time off as possible before resuming at their new job. If you doubt me, ask yourself how many people resign immediately after returning from leave, and you have your answer.
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
What’s your earliest memory of money?
I always had home-cooked food for lunch throughout primary and secondary school, while my friends would get money to buy snacks or whatever they wanted. I grew up in a middle-class family, but I didn’t have direct access to money. It was like something only the adults in my family could have.
How “middle-class” was your family?
My dad worked in a bank, and my mum worked in an airline company, so the money was good. My mum had access to discounted tickets, so we flew for international holidays at least once yearly. We had three cars and lived in a ₦1m/month rented apartment. Our neighbourhood in Lagos Mainland was quite mixed; there were really comfortable people and people struggling to make ends meet. I think this mixed upbringing is why I don’t want obscene wealth today. I just want to be comfortable.
My dad operated on the same values. He was an auditor, so he constantly drilled the “never steal money” lesson in me and my siblings’ heads. Even at work, he was a very “play by the rules” kind of person, which earned him some enemies. He lost his job to rightsizing in 2011 when I was in SS 2. My mum had quit her job a year earlier to focus on becoming an entrepreneur, so my dad losing his job changed some things at home.
What were some of these changes?
My dad’s work at the bank gave my mum access to loans for her business. She imported clothes from Turkey to sell at a mark-up. The loans allowed her to go on the trips and stock her three shops. Without his job, there were no more loans, so she had to downscale the business.
Our international holiday trips stopped, and there were no more random Chinese restaurant trips. We also never renewed our Ikoyi Club membership. Thankfully, my dad used the settlement he got from the bank to purchase a house in 2012, so we didn’t have to bother about rent. At some point, my dad did some consulting, but nothing steady.
Do you remember the first thing you did to earn money?
I got into the university to study pharmacy in 2013, and in my five years there, the only time I ever worked for money was during industrial training in my third year. The company paid me ₦15k after working for six weeks. I also got a ₦50k endowment allowance — given to first-class students — from school in my third and fourth years.
I just wasn’t someone to carry work on my head. It helped that I schooled in Lagos, so I could always go home when I exhausted the ₦4k – ₦5k weekly allowance my parents gave me. It was around this time I realised that money can control you. I couldn’t break away from my parents because they were my primary source of money.
After my project defence in December 2018, I started seeking to earn my own money. A school strike delayed my graduation and induction, but I eventually got a locum pharmacist job in March 2019 for ₦50k/month — ₦47k after deductions.
What were your expenses like?
Transportation and food took all the money. I also occasionally contributed to expenses at home.
I was still at the job when the induction ceremony for graduating pharmacy students finally happened in May 2019. The compulsory one-year internship for pharmacists came after. At first, I didn’t want to intern at a community pharmacy because they don’t pay well, so I targeted a hospital or government agency.
However, my search was unsuccessful, so I settled for a ₦90k/month internship at a community pharmacy in December 2019. After a month, a teaching hospital finally reached out to me, and I jumped at the ₦126k/month offer.
A significant increase
COVID made it even more significant. I don’t want the pandemic to return o, but I wouldn’t mind if we had something lockdown-ish again. It came with an increased hazard allowance for health workers, so I got an extra ₦30k for two months, and ₦50k in the third month.
Although I didn’t get paid in the first month due to the normal government bureaucracy, I was paid two months’ salary in March.
So you were balling?
I was, but I also spent most of what I earned paying back loans.
What loans?
I first discovered mobile loan apps on social media while doing the ₦50k locum job. It started with just needing small change to sort something out before my salary dropped, but the interest rates are crazy, and you find that you’re paying back up to ₦12k on a ₦7k loan. When salary drops, you realise you need to top up because the repayment has eaten into your budget. It’s a vicious cycle that followed me into the internship.
When the double alert came, I paid off outstanding loans and took another one with a phone retailer that allows you to buy in installments. I got a Samsung phone that cost ₦160k and paid ₦80k outright. The balance summed up to ₦120k, including interest, which I paid off over a couple of months. At that point, I was using a third of my salary to service the loans.
Some of my money also went to my dad. He occasionally took ₦20k or ₦50k loans from me but never paid back. I also saved a bit, and by the end of 2020, I had close to ₦200k in savings.
What happened after the internship ended?
NYSC. Most medical professionals can relate to it being a period of uncertainty because you go from earning a good salary to a mere ₦33k/month stipend. I decided to use my savings to get a laptop, learn some tech skills to increase my earning potential and possibly get a side gig.
I went to Ikeja to purchase said laptop, but then, I got robbed of my phone on the way. Thankfully, the thieves couldn’t access the account that had my savings. But the experience scattered my plans. I had to spend two weeks navigating the NIN process to retrieve my sim, abandoning the side gig plans.
NYSC posted me to a state in southern Nigeria in 2021, where I moved in with a fellow corps member. My half of the rent and other bills was about ₦110k for the year. My PPA was a general hospital that didn’t pay anything extra, so I hardly showed up. I relied on NYSC’s stipend and the occasional allowance from home.
I also continued taking loans — I must’ve taken up to ₦100k in loans during my service year.
Did you try to do anything else for money?
I got another locum pharmacist job two months into my service year in June 2021. Someone I met at CDS introduced me to this community pharmacy that paid ₦57k/month. It’s still one of my favourite locum experiences so far. My boss had no issues and even increased my salary in November to ₦76k/month. He also gave me an extra ₦70k Christmas bonus.
I’m not sure how I managed it, but even with the added income, I wasn’t free from the loan cycle. I hardly went out and didn’t spend so much on transportation or clothes. I randomly shopped online and had some black tax expenses, but it shouldn’t have been enough to keep me in my constant borrowing cycle.
But I was still in the vicious cycle set in motion from my very first loan.
I finished NYSC in February 2022 and considered staying back in the state I served. The original plan was to request to be converted into a full-time staff at the pharmacy, but then, I landed a temporary position at a public health organisation in the state. Temporary because they worked with donor funds and could only guarantee me a job while they still had funds.
How much did the job pay?
₦209k/month. It was also a break from working long hours almost every day at the community pharmacy. My major expense was black tax from my younger sister. I got into a relationship too, but I only spent on my girlfriend when we went out on dates at least once a month or when I more frequently stopped by her workplace with food.
In March, I moved out of my NYSC apartment into a two-bedroom with a roommate. My half of the rent was ₦275k, which I didn’t have at the time, so I took a ₦100k loan from a loan app and another ₦101k loan from my roommate.
The donor funds at my job expired in July. I was unemployed until September when I got a one-week gig at an NGO that paid ₦209k — the standard pay for my role in the NGO industry. In November 2022, the public health organisation that ran on donor funds (my former job) called me back, and I resumed my ₦209k/month role. During the months of unemployment, I took on academic writing gigs for UK master’s students who were doing work-study programs. I had a friend who hooked me up, and I’d get ₦15k or ₦20k gigs once in a while.
I also took occasional loans from my roommate and girlfriend. She didn’t know about my loan apps problem, though.
Were you ashamed of it?
I definitely wasn’t proud of it.
Before I got my job back in November, a loan company called my dad after I defaulted on a payment. I’m still grateful he didn’t tell anyone else, or it’d have been a whole family meeting. He called me to ask what was happening, and I lied that I took the loan when I lost my phone, and that I’d settle it. That call was the drive I needed to sit up and stop the loan cycle once and for all. I couldn’t be in debt forever. I wasn’t saving, investing or doing anything worthwhile, and that wasn’t the life I wanted.
I decided to focus on taking my job even more seriously. I knew unemployment could take me back down the loan route, so I wanted to be indispensable at work, donor funds or not. I also continued taking the freelancing gigs, and in a good month, it brought an additional ₦50k.
In March 2023, I finally landed my first permanent public health pharmacist role at an NGO. It paid ₦500k/month during the six-month confirmation period. They now pay me ₦450k/month.
The pay reduced?
Confirmation meant they had to start removing tax and other compulsory stuff. I’m terrible at keeping track of deductions. I just know the company pays for my pension and health insurance charges.
The job was also in a different state, so I had to move and get a new laptop. I took a final ₦400k loan from an app to do this, and I just finished repaying it in November. I was comfortable taking this loan because I knew my salary could cover it.
My salary is also not the only way to make money at my job.
Tell me more
Work trips are where the money is at. They assign you to a secondary location for a couple of days and pay a per diem — an allowance for the trip. This blew my mind. You mean, you’ll foot transportation costs, lodge me in a hotel with complimentary breakfast AND still pay me daily because of the stress of the trip? Wonderful. The trips never go beyond a week, but it adds an extra ₦20k – ₦180k to my income at the end of the month.
What do you spend this money on?
I live in a dead town, which says a lot coming from an introverted person. So, I like to pop into Lagos once in a while, like an IJGB, to have a good time. I’ve been to Lagos thrice this year, and I spent around ₦30k – ₦70k on each trip. I also send around ₦60k monthly to my parents to help out with my dad’s medication and support the income. Then there’s the random money I send to my siblings.
What do these expenses look like in a good month?
I mentioned I just finished repaying a ₦400k loan. That took ₦120k out of my income every month, but that’s done now. I don’t put an amount to feeding because I just feed myself based on what I have left. My rent is ₦250k yearly, which is half my monthly income, so I figure I don’t have to actively save monthly for it.
Sometimes, I save more when I get more money from work trips. I currently have $750 saved in a fintech app, and I hope to cross the $1k threshold by January 2024. I’m worried my parents could have a hospital emergency at any time, and I want to be ready. I also want to japa one day, but I don’t have a particular route yet, so I want to have the money down first.
What’s your relationship with money like now?
I used to be quite impulsive with spending because my mentality was, “Another one will come eventually”. But that’s how the loan addiction started. Now, I make sure to save something immediately my salary comes in. Since I was repaying a loan up until November 2023, I’ve only saved ₦50k constantly monthly since I got my job in March. I hope to increase that now that I’m debt-free.
Do you ever feel tempted to take another loan?
I literally just opened a microfinance bank app today, and they offered me a ₦1.4m loan. I considered taking it and investing in a business until my brain told me to calm the hell down. The fact that I can take the loan doesn’t mean I should do it.
I think I understand I have the tendency to make stupid money decisions, but I choose to protect my mental health now. Why do something and get depressed about it when I can actually choose NOT to do it?
That’s fair. Do you have an ideal monthly salary?
I just want to earn at least ₦1m/month. I don’t have any entrepreneurial blood in me, and I think that’s a decent amount to suffice for me waking up every day to do a 9-5. I’m trying to psych myself up to get public health, logistics and supply chain certifications in 2024 to help my future japa plans and increase my earning potential.
I don’t want to be obscenely rich, though. People with crazy amounts of money have to do unethical things to get there, and I can’t do that. I’d rather take a smaller payday.
Have you considered what these certifications would cost?
I have, and they’re quite expensive. One costs as much as $2k. I’m hoping to get grants from my job, but before then, I’ll probably take advantage of as many free and less expensive courses as I can to gather knowledge. I just need guidance and strength to push through with these plans and not get discouraged along the way.
How would you rate your financial happiness on a scale of 1 – 10?
This is one of my favourite Naira Life questions. I’ll rate it a 7.5. I could be better, but I’m happy, and I can deal with what I have now.
If you’re interested in talking about your Naira Life story, this is a good place to start.
For a country that still has its minimum wage at ₦30k in 2023, many 9-5ers in Nigeria must be used to their salaries not matching the level of work they put in at their job.
But how does it feel to realise you’re earning far less than your colleagues in the same workplace, and how do you handle it? These young professionals share their experiences.
“I threatened to leave… and they fixed up”
— Funmi*, 24, Content marketer
In 2022, a recruitment agency hired me as a content marketing intern with a ₦40k salary. It was low, but I figured I was just an intern and wouldn’t do much. I was wrong. It turned out the content marketer I was supposed to intern with had already put in his notice. So two weeks after I resumed, I worked as the content marketer while I was still an intern on paper.
I handled email marketing, social media management, video production, script writing and even helped recruit for the different companies we serviced. I did all that for four months without complaining because I was “going above and beyond”. But I somehow stumbled on the former content marketer’s payslip one day and saw that they paid him ₦90k. More than double my salary, and I was doing even more work than he did.
I emailed the MD explaining that I wasn’t being compensated enough (they didn’t know I saw the payslip) and said I’d like to put in a two-month notice. They called me immediately, and we talked through it. They increased my salary to ₦95k and officially updated my title to content marketer.
“I asked for a raise and never got it”
Jonah*, 29, Lawyer
My first job was with this legal firm in 2015, and my salary was ₦50k. The work was crazy. I worked all week, including Saturdays. I also had to go to court almost on a daily basis and provide legal drafts. On top of that, they always delayed salary by at least two weeks.
During one of those salary delays, I was complaining about it to a colleague, and she went, “They’ll still hold someone’s money on top of the ₦70k they’re paying”. I was confused and asked more questions about the salary. This colleague and I were hired on the same day, yet they were paying her ₦20k more.
I spoke to my bosses and noted that I was the lowest-paid lawyer there, without mentioning where I got the information. They promised to give me a raise after three months, but it never happened till I left them two years later.
“I just looked for another job”
— Regina*, 23, Social media manager
I got a job managing the three social media accounts of a lifestyle coach in 2021, and my salary was ₦60k. She paid for my internet subscription, but I almost always had to buy more data to supplement it. She was aware of this but didn’t increase the data allowance.
During an appraisal call six months into working with her, she mentioned that she was actually willing to pay me ₦100k when she first hired me, but I didn’t “defend my value”. She expected me to take it as a lesson to always negotiate my salary and not just accept the first amount the recruiter offers. It was funny because this same woman refused to add ₦10k for a higher data plan. I just took her advice and looked for another job.
I got my current job in 2022, and I was so excited about the salary (it’s double my previous salary) that I didn’t even think about negotiating.
A couple of months back, I realised I could’ve gotten more. The budget for the role was three times what I was offered. I guess it’s not their fault I didn’t ask for more, but I can now see why the budget was so high. The workload is a lot, and when I first got in, I was working round the clock. Now, I’ve stopped overdoing. If I’m unable to complete a task, I move it to the next day. But I don’t know if I’ll bring up the possibility of a salary review anytime soon because they use “outstanding performance” as a yardstick for salary increases.
“There was nothing I could do”
— Idowu, 27, Writer
I worked with a book publisher for about six months in 2019, and I only got paid twice during that time.
I did a whole lot for the ₦50k that was supposed to be my monthly salary. I was a ghostwriter, editor and ebook designer for about four authors. The editor-in-chief kept blaming the unpaid salaries on delayed client payments. When they missed payments the fourth time, I decided to start working from home because I could no longer afford the transport fare. That was when I found out my colleague was making ₦10k extra, even though we were doing the same thing. There was nothing I could do, so I just kept working from home.
They eventually laid us off, citing financial challenges. They promised to pay their debt when they got money. I’m still waiting.
“I’m hoping for a raise”
— Yinka*, 26, Executive assistant
My official job description says “executive assistant,” but in reality, I’m a content creator, social media manager, customer service agent, travel agent, email marketer, photographer and whatever else my CEO decides he wants me to do.
I got this job three years ago, and my salary is still the same: ₦80k. It’s nothing compared to how much money this company makes. My boss goes on holiday every market day, yet I only earn ₦20k more than the office cleaner. I’ve suggested a raise to my boss, and I’m hoping it comes soon. I’m also on the lookout for better opportunities, but I haven’t seen any yet.
*Some names have been changed to protect their identity.
It’s not news that our politicians and the federal government have joined hands together to further stress our lives with crazy-high living costs, naira devaluation and the threat of food shortage. As if that weren’t enough, Daddy Tesla tried to put us in Twitter jail.
Do you want my life?
The point is, these are trying times, and we all need extra motivation, especially 9-5ers. If you’re an employer thinking of using free lunch or mental health seminars to support your staff during this period, please stop it. Here’s how we really want to be supported.
Remote and hybrid work options
The new fuel prices mean transportation costs aren’t smiling. If the employee can do the work at home, please let them. It’ll also save the amount of money spent on electricity and Wi-Fi at the office. A win-win.
Hardship allowance
No matter how small the amount, it’ll show that you’re not like Nigerian politicians and you actually relate to your employees’ struggles.
Employee loans
There’s no money on ground, and offering loans may be what saves your employees from Nigeria-induced sapa. It doesn’t even have to be a huge amount. Loaning employees a couple of months’ salary won’t crash the business, and you can recover it through salaries.
Surveys that actually help
Another option is asking the employees how they’d like to be supported and trying to implement the feedback.
Salary increase
Your revenue and profits are probably not that great either, but if possible, increase salaries to help cushion the effects of these times. No one says no to more money.
Can that meeting be an email?
Remember what I said about fuel? There’s really no need to call a team-wide meeting if it could just be an email. Help us reduce charging time, biko.
Talk about it
Whatever you do to support your staff, carrying them along is important. Knowing they’re not alone in these struggles could do wonders for motivation.
Who is an idan? A streetwise person who hustles hard and plays harder. An idan answers to no one.
But how can you be your true idan self at work when bosses and colleagues expect you to bow to capitalism? That’s where we come in. Think of it as an idan code, but for the workplace.
An idan never does office politics
Who has the time to engage in eye service? Definitely not an idan. They move in silence and still get shit done. You’ll never catch an idan sending emails at 4 a.m. or picking calls after work hours. For an idan, 9-5 is 9-5.
Deadline fears idan, not the other way around
If the deadline can’t shift to accommodate an idan, that’s the deadline’s cup of tea. Punching above their weight? The only punching an idan does is on the buttons of an ATM or the occasional bus conductor who wants to see crazy.
Extra work? An idan will never be there
The only extra an idan subscribes to is extra salary. They don’t even understand the meaning of unpaid overtime. The idan even chooses to accept paid overtime if they feel like it.
An idan never makes their business known
The idan might have a whole ass family and grandchildren, but coworkers will never know. The only glimpse into their personal life you’ll ever know is their surname.
But the idan doesn’t hide their side hustle
Just so you know they have a choice. They aren’t tied to capitalism, so if you people do anyhow, you can hold your job.
You want to call an idan to an impromptu meeting? Or you have the bright idea to call them on Slack or Teams without prior notice? It’s like you’ll do the meeting with yourself.
An idan is never fired, they resign
Send an idan a termination letter, and they’ll reply with a letter of resignation.
Passive aggression? Not the idan way
The idan doesn’t need to hide their mouth. They’ll say what they want with their full chest and leave you to do your worst.
An idan selects the work they’ll do
The correct way to address an idan is, “Do you think you can work on this project?” and not, “I want you to work on this project.” Let’s be guided.
It’s about a week to Easter, and while 9-5ers everywhere are whispering a collective thank you to the god of public holidays, I’m wondering, “Why do we have to wait four months for a public holiday?”
Well, I’m here to preach the gospel of monthly public holidays to boost productivity, and these seven reasons will convince you too.
We see too much shege
Nigerians living in Nigeria are exposed to a unique brand of shege every month. If it’s not electricity issues, it’s using more money to buy your own money, or chopping disgrace at the hands of Nigerian banks. The point is, we don’t just go through a lot, we’re always in a lot. How can we get any work done when our heads are always hot?
We’ll need more money
More public holidays equal more time and money spent on fun, outside activities. We’ll go broke faster and need to work even more to get more money to spend again. Vicious cycle, but at least, it works for capitalism.
Less time spent dreaming of public holidays
Listen, every 9-5er dreams about the next public holiday, at least once every week, and that translates to precious man hours wasted. If we knew the next holiday was coming soon, we wouldn’t dream about it too much.
Weekends are a joke
How does working for five days and “resting” for two make sense to anyone? It’s giving slavery, and our ancestors already went through that. Plus, no one actually gets to rest fully on the weekends. If you want us to work, allow us to recharge properly.
We’d tell fewer lies
Not that I have any experience in this, but some people take “sick” leave just to stay away from work for a bit. If we had more holidays, we’d spend less time looking for creative lies to tell just to rest.
We might actually look forward to working
Who knows, maybe knowing a holiday is just around the corner is the push some of us need to do more than open two emails every day.
Even generators need servicing
You wouldn’t leave your generator on for three months without stopping to service it, would you? Then, why do it to human beings? Is it a crime to be an adult in this country?
Cover letters are so 2018. No one likes writing them, and do recruiters even read them?
Anyone can say cool things about themselves in a cover letter, but you see these eight alternatives? They’re infinitely better at showing whether you have the skills needed for any job.
Twitter profile
One good thing to come out of the 2023 elections is that most people now wear their foolishness and bigotry as a badge. No need for background checks when a quick Twitter sweep can show if someone has sense or not.
A Nigerian mother’s approval
It’s impossible to please Nigerian mothers, so if she ever approves anyone, you bet it’s because they put the “work” in “hard work”. What else do you even need to know?
NIN slip
They went through the seven gates of hell to register for NIN, and that’s the definition of working well under pressure. The NIN itself proves they’re Nigerian, and they’re still (kinda) alive. Which also means they can survive the most fucked up situation ever.
Name of internet service provider
If they use Glo, they’re obviously very stubborn and have a suffering kink. This means they’ll stubbornly pursue their goals and KPIs come rain or shine.
Good birth report from a midwife
To prove that they are easy to work with by nature. Do you know what it means to not stress your mum or the hospital personnel during delivery?
Proof of sanity
Especially if they’re Nigerians living in Lagos, or believe semo is “elite”.
Jointly signed statement from every ex
You don’t really know someone unless you date them. That’s why exes are the ultimate character witnesses. If they can’t commit to a relationship for more than three months, do you think they’ll spend up to six months in your company?
Screenshot of account balance
Studies from the Zikoko Bureau of Statistics have shown that sapa-inflicted people are more likely to treat their source of daily ₦2k with importance. People who have money can wake up and decide to ghost for a day just to sleep.
Everyone wants to sound agreeable, even when it’s not how they really feel. Even your most-used email sign-offs aren’t safe from the eye service drama.
But what do they say about you? Let’s get into it.
Yours sincerely
Grandma, is that you? Anyone who still ends emails with this is probably stuck in the middle ages AND is part of the WhatsApp group of people who believe any time rain falls on a sunny day, a lion is giving birth.
Best regards
You’re just working because you have a thing against living under the bridge. You’re also tired of capitalism, but you’ve gotten to the age when you’ve learnt to accept it as the necessary evil it is.
Regards
You think every meeting should’ve been an email, but when they become emails, you don’t reply unless you absolutely have to. I respect it.
Cheers
You lowkey don’t like your coworkers or even the idea of work, but you have to look alive for the culture. You also tend to exhibit Nigerian-parent “put it on my head” behaviour.
Thanks in advance
You’ve spent far too much time applying for jobs. It’s giving “I look forward to hearing from you”, but hey, your Nigerian mother would love that you’re so respectful at work.
Enjoy the rest of your day
You’re either a really nice person who genuinely cares about people, or you work in customer service, and you honestly don’t give a damn about anybody.
Best
You have zero patience. Your mantra is probably, “Try me and see”. Chances are you’re also a firstborn.
Please, accept the assurance of my highest regards
Are you contesting for a political post, or what’s happening here? I’ve only ever seen this sign-off in emails from government ministries. If you use it, I’m tempted to say you’re a corrupt detty liar.
[Your name]
It’s giving “main character”. Why waste time using sign-offs when they only need to know the name behind the greatness they just read?
They may deny it, but managers just love to give certain people almost all the work, as if they’re the only staff in the entire office. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s part of their job description or not.
If this is you and you’re sick of it, do these things to make sure your manager stops now.
Use jazz
Tell your babalawo to do an incantation that’ll erase your name from your boss’ memory every time they’re looking for someone to assign work to. The jazz has to be done well, if not they’ll also forget your name when it’s time for promotion.
Do a terrible job
Any time they give you work, do a terrible job. Do the opposite of what they ask, submit late, submit incomplete work, act like you didn’t get the assignment, etc. Eventually, they’ll get frustrated. You may get fired sha, so be ready for that too.
Quit
This may be the most efficient way to get your boss to forget about you. If you’re not an employee of the company, they can’t give you work.
Beg them to leave you alone
Be dramatic about it. Go down on your knees or roll on the floor and cry. They need to know how bad it is. Maybe then they’ll leave you alone.
Give them back their work
When they give you the work, tell them you need their help because you can’t understand it. Act confused until they do it themselves or assign it to someone else. Do this consistently, and they’ll stop thinking about you when it’s time to assign a task. Or they’ll see you as incompetent and fire you.
Air their life
When they text or call you for work, don’t answer. Air them every single time and say you didn’t see the call or message.
Remind them your colleague is less busy
Sometimes, they forget there are other employees in the company, so they need to be reminded. Tell them Chidozie has been pressing phone since morning while you’ve been doing ten million things.
Report them to your Nigerian mother
Nigerian mothers don’t like seeing their children stressed (except they’re the ones doing the stressing). If your mother finds out about your boss, she’d be quick to call and change it for them. They’ll never call your name again.
So you finally found a way to get your work crush to promote you from colleague to work wife/husband, but like a typical Oliver Twist, you want more.
TBH, I’m not judging. Anyone can catch feelings. Obviously, you have, and now, you want to leave the work-bae zone. Let me help you.
Find them on social media
Many people block their coworkers on social media, so you’ll have to put on your best Fashola Holmes impression. If that fails, find a way to get them to give you their WhatsApp number, then send them memes every day. They’ll fall in love with how funny you are.
Buy them food
Food is the way to everyone’s heart. But don’t buy them food only at work. Invite them out.
Move in close to them
If they’re proving stubborn, get their house address from HR and move in right next to them. Now, you won’t just be in their faces from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. anymore.
Oh. Hi! Didn’t see you there
Make sure they see you everywhere
Since you now know their address, set up billboards with your face on them around the route they take to work daily. Buy them mugs with your face on them too. By the time they see you every day, the feelings will be activated.
Make their significant other disappear
Arrange for their partner to be kidnapped by ungun known men. Then be a shoulder to lean on when they cry to you about it at work. It’s the price to pay for love.
Or make the partner cheat
If you don’t want to go as far as kidnapping, find a way to make your work spouse’s partner cheat then show them the evidence. Of course, you’ll also be there to help them heal and forget the heartbreak.
Carry their picture to the mountain
If you’re religious, then you should know prayer works. Take their picture to a mountain, preferably in the dead of night with only a white wrapper around you. The white colour will catch the attention of the spirits, and they’ll answer you immediately.
Resign from your workplace
Maybe the reason they’ve not promoted you to actual spouse is simply because they don’t want to date their coworker. Resign and that problem is solved.
Or make them lose their job
The point is you won’t be working in the same place anymore. The end justifies the means.
If you happened to stroll into football Twitter this past weekend, you’d know Mykhailo Mudryk went viral for his impressive €100 million (£88 million) Chelsea signing from Shakhtar Donetsk.
Another reason behind the plenty talk is Arsenal initially approached Mudryk’s club, Shakhtar, with £55 million, and then £62 million— the footballer had even accepted salary terms with the Gunners. But Chelsea swept in like a rich Nollywood sugar daddy, his club agreed, and the rest was history.
Sure, all the money isn’t going to him, but Mudryk accepted his club’s decision and chose money. I may not know much about football, but I’m proud that he did. To my fellow 9-5ers, here’s why you should do as Mudryk did and always choose money.
Account balances don’t recognise passion
If it’s not the work of your village people, why would you have passion for a job that pays you ₦30k?
It’s better to cry inside AC
Every job will stress you. It’s better to cry inside an air-conditioned office and clean your tears with dollar bills than to motivate yourself with, “I love my job”.
You think your team is your “family”, but even your work spouse would leave you in an instant if another job promises to 2x their salary. Don’t play yourself.
Neither does your boss
Especially if they always motivate the team to “believe in the collective dream”. Let someone else shove money in their face first.
The economy is economying
Everything is expensive. The noodles you bought for ₦100 yesterday can be ₦500 tomorrow. Do you get where I’m going with this?
Bad bitches are rich bitches
How do you want to reach the full extent of your bad bitchery with only ₦5k in your account two days after payday?
Don’t you want to be a baller?
Because why are you even choosing anything over money?
Unfortunately for you, work has resumed. Since you can’t manufacture a public holiday, it’s time to do the job you’re paid to do.
God, abeg
But how do you work when every cell in your body either wants to rewind time so it’s December again, or fast-forward it to payday? Just use these tips.
Start counting the days
Anytime you get tired of work, remember you’re a few more hours closer to salary day.
Throw in pointless office lingo
Because what says performance-driven employee like throwing words like “bandwidth”, “circle back” or “drill down”? It doesn’t even need to relate to the subject matter. Just say it so it sounds like your mind is on your job.
Look serious
Even though you aren’t currently doing anything, everyone will think you’re brainstorming the next big idea.
Blame MTN and their cohorts
I’m not saying you should use bad internet as an excuse for not doing your work o. But it’s not within your control, abi?
Set up meetings
You don’t even need an agenda. Everyone knows most meetings are just a waste of time. You can even say the purpose is for everyone to share what they learnt during the holidays. That should knock at least two hours off the day.
Just look busy
If you need to @channel on Slack for no reason, or walk up and down your office to look busy, just do it. Others may call it eye service, but you’re just protecting your job.
Remember the state of your account balance
Can you really afford to leave your job? We’ll leave you to answer that yourself.
Beg God to let you blow this year
At the end of the day, who even likes working? Just blow so you can tell your oga to eat their job.
If you haven’t noticed already, typical Nigerian offices are mini Nigerian governments — everyone’s trying their darnedest to be the top players of the game.
To play office politics and win, you need a particular set of skills, and we’ve got you.
Embrace passive-aggressiveness
God forbid you’re upset and are actually upfront about it. You want to lose your job? It doesn’t matter if Amaka asks you for a document you’ve already sent 200 times before, or your oga keeps fixing pointless meetings. Hug passive-aggressiveness. It’ll save you.
Just smile
Especially if you have nothing to be happy about. Do you want to be accused of having “low energy”?
Do oversabi once in a while
Forget whatever you believe. Eye service is very important in a Nigerian workplace. How else do you want to show you carry the work on your head?
Learn to keep quiet
You want to be visible, not known as the office “radio without battery”.
…and mind your business
Don’t go about announcing how you saw oga looking for ants inside his secretary’s mouth, or how Banke was watching “Blood and Water” with office WiFi.
But not all the time sha
Not when you need people to know you helped oga prepare the presentation everyone’s raving about. Blow other people’s trumpet too. Everyone likes whoever makes them feel good.
It’s all in the balance
Be serious, but not too serious. Your boss needs to know you’re working, but your colleagues shouldn’t hate you for being too excellent. Figure it out.
Keep your personality at home
If you’re an introvert, better borrow a sprinkle of extraversion when it’s time for work. If you’re an extrovert, learn to hold your mouth small. You don’t want your superiors to think you’re hoarding the spotlight.
And finally, don’t care about money
Because aren’t you working because of “passion”? Don’t join others to agitate for a salary increase. Even if you get promoted, don’t even mention salary. Use the “employee of the year” award you’ll get after following these rules to buy bread at the market.
I’ve always wondered how fellow 9-5ers turned up on weeknights. How are you at the club on a Tuesday night? Don’t you have work the next day? I figured something must be giving them the special magic powers to get up to work the next day. After doing some research (LOL, please), I discovered these eight things they do to party on weeknights and still survive work the next day.
Give a sacrifice to the gods
First, you must appease the gods of turn-up so they can go easy on you. Take two boiled eggs, a bottle of whiskey and a tuber of yam to the entrance of Quilox, and leave them there. When you wake up the next day, you won’t even feel like anything happened the night before.
Drink 20k gallons of water
Okay, exaggerate much? Just drink as much water as you can while you’re partying. It’ll especially help with the hangover.
Quit your job
Just stop working entirely so you can party every day of the week and have nothing to worry about. Although I’m not sure how you plan to bankroll your partying without a job.
Maybe wait till Friday and Saturday. But this life na one sha; we’re supposed to enjoy it as much as possible, so don’t listen to me.
Sleep and wake up two minutes before work resumes
So you can get in as much sleep as possible. This only works if you work from home sha. Sorry to you if you live in Lagos and have to be at the office.
Call in sick
And use the entire day to recover. I’m not encouraging you to lie o. But this can only work one or two times, so good luck.
Take *redacted*
Whatever ‘redacted’ is to you, take it.
Coffee
Coffee is the ultimate saviour of people’s jobs. A cup of coffee will help you get through the day after doing ijo laba laba and legwork all night.
But be careful because caffeine addiction is a serious thing.
So, you just got a new job — or you’re considering accepting one — and you’re happy to finally get something to cushion the effects of poverty. Don’t get too excited. You need to watch out for these signs.
The office is at Ikeja
Ikeja is like the epicentre of Lagos hustle and scam activities. Remember Computer village and those fake job interview invites? Do we need to explain further?
HR is too motivational
“We’re all one big family here” or “We’re all rockstars”. Run for your life.
They have a banging social media page
You’d be trying to complete your one million deliverables when Oga sends a memo that every staff member should report to the conference room to do TikTok video. What if I don’t want to dance?
The office has a recreation area
They have a gaming area, and you aren’t scared? They’re indirectly telling you they’ll give you headaches that’ll make you avoid reality.
Office is at Lagos Island
They use fine office and aesthetics to cover up for the fact that they’re about to suck your blood.
You have too many Gen Z co-workers
Your biggest headache with them may be deciphering all the slang they use every day. Who sent you work?
If there’s one thing that’s infinitely funny about workplaces, it’s how you can be a Gen Z leading a team of baby boomers and millennials. Like an unknown wise woman said, “Skill is seniority at work. Keep your age in your pocket.”
Asking for my age and subtly telling me I’m your last child’s agemate won’t stop me from responsibly delegating tasks as at and when due. You’ll do that work you’re getting paid to do ma🤭🤗
Even if you aren’t currently in this situation, you may experience it one day, so you should prepare your mind for these things.
So, you just got a fantastic new job with a salary that looks like it can last two months
Finally securing the bag. Purrr.
Only for you to resume to see old faces everywhere
Wait first, these people look like they can give birth to me o.
You start getting used to calling them by name
Even though your Nigerian mother’s by-force home training makes you feel like you’re committing a sin.
You may be lucky to work with the cool ones…
The ones who are more interested in ensuring the work is done and couldn’t give a rat’s ass who’s older than who.
Or the ones who’ll carry it on their head
These ones will forever have a hard time understanding why oga is a “small child” and will try multiple ways to undermine you.
They’ll try the “I’ve been working for 20 years” card
Yes, we know you’ve been working here even before I was born, but kindly work on this task I’m delegating to you. You know, a job you’re being paid to do?
They’ll play the age card
Nobody:
Them: Oh, you’re 25? My last child is 27 years old.
How’s that my business?
They may try to teach you your work…
Sure, it’s great to learn from more… experienced colleagues, but there’s a reason you’ve been hired to bring innovative ideas. So, innovate.
Or they make you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing
Nobody:
Them: You want to cut down on hard copy reports? I hope this won’t lead to complicated processes sha.
But you should never doubt yourself
It’s very easy to develop imposter syndrome when you’re the youngest person on a team, or managing a bunch of older people. Don’t. You’re darn good at what you do, and don’t stop believing it.
I love my job (don’t worry, I’m not being threatened to say this); it gives me the freedom to express myself and my creativity while also working with the best colleagues. But even as much as I love my job, I hate having to wake up every day to sit in front of a desk.
My company pays me to create funny, ridiculous TikToks — TikToks where I get to slander my colleagues — and I still hate working. I hate that enduring capitalism will be my life for the next 15 – 20 years. Doesn’t matter if it’s answering to an employer or working for myself. In an ideal world, I’d wake up every day and do whatever I want, whenever I wanted, without any financial pressure.
I asked the seven other young Nigerians how they felt about working. Their opinions:
Ibrahim*, 23, Writer and Content Creator
For some people, the fact that they have the opportunity to work is a blessing. Also, people say they hate work until they stop working. I know a few people who quit their jobs, and after a few months, they got bored. As for me, I hate work. I don’t want to work ever again in my life. I just want to have enough money to travel once in a while and live a happy life with my family.
Even if I liked painting. I would still hate waking up and picking up a brush to paint instead of watching series on Netflix.
Amanda*, 23, Banker
I love working. My dislike for work started when I began working a 9–5. Before then, I was making and selling different types of braided wigs, and I thoroughly enjoyed doing that. I don’t mind having a ton of work to do, as long as I get to do it on my own time. A 9–5 doesn’t give you that, and that’s the major problem I have with work.
Fred*, 26, Architect
What I hate about work mostly is the commute. The fact that I have to get up, leave my house and enter traffic every day makes me not want to work. Also, I hate work when it becomes monotonous and begins to feel like a chore. Other than that, I actually enjoy working.
Amina*, 28, Director, Writer and Producer
I don’t mind working, but does it have to be every day? I want to work when I feel like it. For me, that’s like twice a year; I spend six months writing a script and use the other six to shoot and edit. There’s a lot less pressure on me this way. The pressure is what I hate the most about working.
Nnamdi*, 35, Entrepreneur
Everything gets stressful to do at some point. Athletes have some days when they just don’t feel like playing. Artists sometimes hate that they have to perform, and even actors sometimes hate that they have to wake up early and go on set. You love it o, but some days, it’ll be wahala. The love for it is what keeps you going. But even sleeping can get stressful once it becomes a job.
Sometimes I like my job. Often enough to forget how much it sucks. But I hate the fact that I have to work. Knowing it’ll be my life for a couple more years is scary. It kills me that I’ll have to wake up every day before 8 a.m, and my life belongs to someone else until 6 p.m. I’ll always be tired, and it’s not going away anytime soon.
I hate my job. I genuinely do. Maybe it’s because I’m exhausted, but I don’t even care for what I do anymore. No matter how much you’re making or love your job, you’ll start to resent it if you don’t take breaks. It’s a “too much of a good thing turns into a major problem” kind of thing. We all just need to dissociate from work once in a while.
But we aren’t spared in the corporate world either. In this article, six Nigerian women tell us what it’s like to be female bosses in male-dominated offices:
“I have to work twice as hard to be taken seriously”
— Bella*, 42, real estate consultant
I own a real estate company, and if I got a dollar for every time I heard someone say, “A man must be bank-rolling her,” I’d be a billionaire now. If people paid more attention to making money for their children, maybe they wouldn’t be so quick to assume that everyone has to sleep with people to get wealth.
I’ve been in this business for close to eight years, and while it’s a lot better now, my earlier years were tough. I felt like people didn’t take me seriously, and I remember having to take a loan to buy a bigger car just so I could command respect when conducting site inspections. I’d be the first to get to work and the last to leave because I needed everyone to see how hard I worked.
But now? My achievements speak for me, and I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks.
“Stereotyping is so annoying”
— Dara*, 26, human resource lead
I lead my team at my workplace, and I’ve noticed that I need to pay special attention to treating people nicely just so I don’t fall into the “female bosses have wahala” stereotype.
I’m quite certain that my male colleagues don’t have to reread their emails five times before sending them to confirm that they don’t sound domineering. It’s a peculiar situation, but I’m happy to put in the work if it means that just one more person can attest to the fact that not all female team leads are out to stress you.
Before I even started leading my team, there were multiple times when I questioned my abilities.
Imagine being the only woman in a department, in an organisation that has more women occupying the non-technical roles. Even though people treated me with respect, I subconsciously felt the need to prove that I deserved a place as “one of the boys”.
Now that I lead my team, I struggle to delegate tasks because I still feel the need to prove myself. It’s an internal struggle, but my team members are nice.
I manage operations at a real estate firm, and it’s a very challenging environment. It’s been an interesting ride, but I’ve not had any issues relating to my gender.
I’m very much respected because I know my onions, and they have no choice but to listen when I speak. I don’t feel any special need to prove myself because I’m confident in the value that I bring. If any organisation moves mad, I can just move on to the next one.
“Funny enough, ladies are my problem”
— Tosin*, 35, creative producer
I work in media, and most of my team members are male. They’re cool for the most part, with the odd case of expecting me to take notes in meetings just because.
It’s the ladies that stress my life. I think most ladies don’t like working with female bosses because of this stereotype that we’re difficult to work with. So when deliverables are delayed, and I crack down on them, it’s almost like I’m reinforcing this stereotype, but they don’t see that it’s because they’re slacking.
“It’s great”
— Neema*, 29, finance professional
I’m just one of two female team leads out of seven in my organisation, but I wouldn’t say it’s due to sexism. It’s a startup, but the culture is great — I don’t feel disrespected or targeted because of my gender.
I once worked at an organisation where sexual harassment was rife, but I left immediately I noticed it. The people in my present company know they’ll lose their jobs if they even think about it.
I think it’s up to us as women to enforce a standard on how we want to be treated, or at least who we decide to work for. Companies also have a role to play in ensuring healthy work cultures for everyone, irrespective of gender.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity, and statements have been lightly edited for clarity.
You’ve heard the term “work bestie”, and you want to take it a step further because nothing can stand in the way of your crushing — not even HR.
There are some things to consider before potentially wasting your feelings though:
Do they have sense?
How can you start mentally planning your wedding colours only to find out that they think semo is elite? Or that they think agege bread is overrated? The horror.
Are they actually attractive or are you just bored at work?
Let’s face it — anyone that says “I think we should wrap up” during a three-hour-long Zoom meeting is bound to look like a genius. Do your due diligence.
What could possibly attract you to someone that uses jargon like “circle back” or “run up the flagpole”. What happened to normal English?
Can you fight?
You’ll likely not be the only person crushing on your crush. They might even have crushers outside work. We ask again, “can you fight?”
Do they hit “reply all” to every email?
Will you honestly be proud to associate yourself with the person that keeps every other recipient of one email in an endless loop of notifications? We think tf not.
Do they like Mondays?
We don’t need to tell you that they aren’t normal. It’s obvious. But if they like Wednesdays? Run o!
Do you really want to date someone where you work?
Let’s not even get into how messy it can get. Imagine getting into a fight and then having to sit with them at work for eight hours.
Will they get you in trouble?
Scenes where you’re trying to share your screen in a meeting and accidentally share your folder full of your crush’s pictures. LMAO
Office romance is a thing in every workplace, whether HR likes it or not. It’s very normal to have one or three office crushes. But when the person you like is your boss, that’s a whole different conversation.
Just in case you’re not sure, these are the signs that you’re in love with your boss.
You’re always excited to be at work
When other people are grumbling and complaining about having to be at work, you’re excited. Only you will be smiling on a Monday morning at the office, and it’s definitely not because you love your job.
You’re always the first to arrive
Work resumes at 9 a.m., but you’re there by 6:30. What time do you even wake up? When do you leave the house? You’ll tell your colleagues it’s because you’re trying to avoid rush-hour traffic, but you and I know the actual truth.
You find yourself doing things outside of your job description
You’re in HR but doing sales work because your boss needs someone to attend to a client immediately, and for some reason, you thought you were that person. Better go back to facing the staff you’re supposed to be taking care of.
Once it’s Friday, you’re sad because you have to spend two days away from your crush, and you’re not sure you can survive that. Working during the weekends isn’t a problem for you as long as your boss is also there.
You almost die when you get compliments from your boss
Small “Well done, Samuel. You did a good job,” your chest is beating fast, and you’re smiling from one end of your face to the other. You’re very close to calling your family and friends to tell them what happened as if you just won an award.
Nothing is better than having them come over to explain things to you
You didn’t really need help with how to create a folder on Google Docs. But anything to get your boss to come over and speak with you.
Salary isn’t your favourite thing about work
Getting paid your salary isn’t the major thing you look forward to. Neither is it the work culture of the place. If they ask you, you’d say it’s the people at work. To be specific, one particular person, the person who pays your salary.
You laugh a little louder at your boss’s jokes
The joke they made wasn’t that funny. Even your boss is finding it weird that you’re laughing so much. Your thirst is showing, relax.
You spend a lot more time getting ready for work
It’s not because you genuinely care about your appearance or you’re trying to look good to feel good. You decide to get a nicer haircut or wear the longer bone straight because you’re hoping a certain someone will notice you at work.
What to do now that you’ve realised you’re in love with your boss:
Give yourself a dirty slap
That slap is to reset factory settings. You’ve clearly lost focus as to the reason why you’re working.
Resign
If you truly cannot get over your oga, then resign. Because, whether you like it or not, nothing can happen between you and your boss. You can’t have any other relationship with them aside from a professional one (for many many reasons). So just do yourself a favour and leave that place.
Having a Gen Z coworker can be very fun when they like you. When they don’t, it’s more hostile than living with Nigerian parents. Here are 9 signs that your Gen Z coworker likes you… as friends.
1. They send you memes or TikToks
If your Gen Z coworker sends you memes or funny TikTok videos, you’ve made it. You’re alright, not necessarily cool, but alright.
2. They have called you bestie once
This is one of the highest levels of respect a Gen Z coworker can give you. Don’t try saying it back though, you might sound sus.
3. They are comfortable making millennial jokes with you
The thing with millennials is, they can have a mean temper. If your Gen Z coworker is comfortable making millennial jokes with you, it’s because they are sure you know it’s good-natured fun.
4. They let you follow them on social media
Gen Z’s are very pro setting boundaries, especially in the workspace. If they let you follow them on social media, they like you, they’d also be impressed that you could find them easily.
5. They might make you a playlist
If they make you a playlist or recommend songs to you, they either think your taste in music slaps, or they want to make your taste in music better. Either way, it means they like you.
6. They give you advice based on your zodiac sign
Gen Z only gives a shit about the zodiac signs of people they care about. If they give you zodiac compatibility advice or send you weekly zodiac sign predictions, you’ve made it.
7. They let you use Gen Z slang without mocking you
One thing Gen Z won’t do is be a gatekeeper, especially not for slang. You’re just less likely to get mocked for using the slang wrong if they like you.
8. They check in on you
This is the final boss that shows that your Gen Z coworker likes you. They care about mental health, a lot. If they regularly check on your mental health, they care about you and want you to be fine.
9. They let you give them advice
Gen Z’s are very sure of what they want, believe in and want to do. If you find yourself being asked for advice by your Gen Z coworker, it means they rate you, congratulations.
There’s only one thing more painful than stubbing your little on the sharp edge of furniture – watching other people take credit for something you worked really hard for. I spoke to four Nigerians who recount their experiences under glory-thieving bosses. Here’s what they had to say.
Tola
I was an assistant producer working on two weekly shows and reporting to two producers at a popular TV station. While my job was only to write the show and supervise the production, I ended up doing both of the producers’ jobs. I decided the direction of the shows and even identified the guests to be invited. I did this every week. Sometimes, I’d sacrifice my weekends to cover events as favours to my bosses, but when it was time for the after-parties and dinners, they’d take the passes and ask me to leave. I worked on an in-depth documentary where I risked my life and spent days in the slum to produce it. My boss applied for a journalism award with that documentary. I just couldn’t bring myself to be happy for her because it was my hard work that won that award.
It made me feel used, and feelings of resentment grew. I understood that they were my bosses but I didn’t quite understand why they couldn’t be fine with taking credit for supervising the process? Why make it look like you did all the work? I was also worried that I would seem unproductive to HR during appraisals since my bosses were claiming to do all my work. They never gave me credit. They would even make up stories about how the idea for the stories came to them in a moment of epiphany. When cash rewards were given for really good stories, the bosses will give me a part of it in private but nobody would ever say, “It was Tola who put it together.” It was a very frustrating time of my life.
Onyela
I am part of the digital team as a content/social media executive. When my team reduced from three to two people, most of the workload fell on me. My team lead was shoddy and never did his job, leaving me to do all the team’s work. Last week, I got feedback from a client to my lead that they were impressed with the LinkedIn captions I came up with and told my team lead to “take a bow.” I was furious. I had to prove to my other colleagues that I actually wrote the captions for the client. My team lead still takes credit for all the team’s work, which I’m responsible for. He earns what I’d call an “armed robber’s salary” while I earn a paltry 100k before tax and pension. I’m hurt and very tired.
Damisi
This topic just reminds me of the time I used to freelance for a popular newspaper while I was a student in Ife. I was writing articles about school-related stuff until I decided to write a long feature article about the glut of private universities and the problems they might pose. I sent it to my usual editor in the newspaper, only for me to find out he had published it in his own name. I never wrote another article for that publication.
Alice
My job description began from one role and has now gone up to about five roles in one. Last year, a fraction of the company staff left at the same time last year, so most of the company’s work was left to me. At the end of the year, I failed to get a bonus like everyone else. When I asked why the CEO said he couldn’t see anything I had achieved that year. He introduced new vague parameters for measuring performance such as ethical values, transparency, etc. When I asked how he measured these parameters, he couldn’t answer. I didn’t get a bonus for last year, despite single-handedly raising the customer satisfaction index from 90% in 2019 to 96.4% in 2020.
This year, a new boss took over. Recently, I discovered that every sale in the company earns a commission and that my new boss has been taking all my commission. The bulk of commissions came to about N270,000. I tacitly asked him about the commissions, hoping he’d feel ashamed and give me the N70,000 on top. Instead, he gave me 10k and called it “pocket money.” To date, he still hasn’t made any sales of his own. I’ve been asking for a raise for a while now but he keeps saying he’s in talks with the CEO. How could he ask the CEO for his commissions but not for my raise, despite the fact that I made most of the company’s sales?
Working in Nigeria is the ghetto. No shade to my boss. Last week, I asked Nigerian women to tell me the worst things they have experienced working in Nigeria. Here’s what eight of them had to say.
Jumoke, 25
My former boss used to gaslight me, to the extent that I began to doubt my sanity. She would call at odd hours of the night to either brainstorm or give me instructions. During general meetings, she would deny the conversations.
One time, she told us we had to incorporate one of our client’s companies to avoid paying tax. I spoke to my friend to help us with it. I communicated the charges to my boss when she called and she agreed. My friend started the process. A few days later, she asked what’s up and I told her where we were at. She denied agreeing to the amount and asked to halt the process so her lawyer who she was paying more would do it instead. I had to pay my friend with my money. I felt like I was crazy.
Kachi, 25
I worked in a liberal space with a boss I assumed wasn’t homophobic — I didn’t know I was the token gay hire who was filling a diversity role. Whenever I tried to contribute, she would make demeaning jokes but she would always try to include me when sexual topics are being discussed. It never made sense to me that she would ignore my work input but include me in conversations about orgies. For my birthday, she got me a strap, which was the weirdest thing ever and then when I got a new job, she called my new boss to out me as a lesbian and lie about my character.
Temi, 22
Because I am fat, they complain at my office that I don’t dress corporate enough but I wear the same type of clothes my female colleagues — button-down shirts or blouses with skirts. My male boss often calls my outfits inappropriate and questions what I eat while I am in the office. Not just him — my other colleagues as well. If I have breakfast and lunch at the office or I opt to eat a burger instead of a whole meal, they would ask me if I am not fat enough. I am legit scared of eating at work.
Sunshine, 23
I worked for this life coach who used to make us dance every morning to ‘Better When I’m Dancin’ by Meghan Trainor every morning. She said it was supposed to get us hyped for work. I hate the idea of it because I believe that I should be hyped for work without being forced so I quit after three days. The song was on a loop in my head for weeks after I left.
Oby, 26
The first red flag was that they interviewed me for the role of a growth manager and I got the job. In the offer letter, they were offered the position of the Director of Growth. It was strange to me. It wasn’t like I couldn’t do the job — I did something similar at my old office. It’s just that I had planned to do less work because I was tired but I still wanted to earn income. These people didn’t change the pay but gave me more work. I complained and they said when the business picks up, more people will join my team.
In the first month, they slashed my salary by 50% due to Coronavirus — I never earned the salary of a director throughout my stay there. It was hell. We used to have zoom meetings every day till like 9 pm, even on Sundays. I was always so tired.
One time I fell sick. I suspected it was COVID-19 so I told my boss. He expressed sympathy and connected me with his doctor. The next day, he hit me up with a task expected to be delivered before the close of business that day. That was the last straw for me. As soon as I received my salary for that month — because they were always late — I sent in my resignation letter.
Blessing, 22
I work as an On-Air Personality. Every query I have gotten is about my dressing which I find nothing wrong in but the mindset of people working in my office is archaic.
One time, the Chief Financial Officer sent me home because I was wearing a crop top. He told me to change or not come back to work. I changed but by the time I returned to the office, it was too late to anchor a program. I try to keep a low profile but that day I heard them refer to me as a Marlian.
Adesuwa, 25
I used to work at this law firm, where a man was the principal partner and his wife was the managing partner. Around the time I got the job, the principal partner won an important prize and the managing partner sent a message to the office WhatsApp group inviting us for a party at their residence.
When I got there, some of my colleagues were seated outside at the table with other guests. As they were about to serve my colleagues food, the managing partner ordered them to get up and help the ushers out. She asked how they could eat when her guests had not eaten. I saw my colleagues serve the other guests drinks and direct other esteemed guests to their seats. One of the associate partners came to tell us how she had been putting in work in the kitchen. She was sweating so much. I couldn’t understand it — this was supposed to be one of the top law firms in the country. I knew I couldn’t stay there for long.
Vowhero, 26
At the place I did my NYSC, there was this woman always saying I was rude and I didn’t know how to greet my elders. In my mind, I was like, will I roll on the floor for you?
One day, I went to my boss’s office to collect a file for a client. When this woman entered the room, I greeted her. Next thing, she told me to shut up that I am very rude and have no respect. She called me a fool, an idiot with no home training. She kept following me around, calling me names. I cried that day. Later she came to apologise but I had lost the opportunity of being retained.
Sign-offs are the core of every work email. There’s no reason why it should be boring. Which one is “Best regards” or “Yours sincerely”? Where’s the spice in that?
Read this to make your work experience more interesting.
You can use this when your team lead has emailed you like ten times in one day. You too are someone’s child, abeg.
2. I said what I said
This one is for when your coworker forwards an email back to you and asks if it’s for them. You don’t even need to write anything in the body of the email, just sign-off with this.
3. Yours vaccinatedly
Honestly, it’s a thing of pride that you’ve gotten the vaccine and why shouldn’t everyone know? You’re doing your part as a good citizen to encourage people to get the vaccine.
This one should always be used as an insult. There are no two ways tbh, especially when someone sends you a mail in the middle of the night. Something must be doing them.
5. You know the vibe
This sign-off should be used on Fridays only because it means don’t text me again, my weekend has started.
6. E go be
If you use this, you are telling them that if they reply to that email they’re on their own because they will be aired.
7. Reply if you’re bad
This is a nicer way of saying e go be. They’ll waste so much time wondering if they’re bad and before they know, it’s close of business.
This is clearly a threat because why are you bringing spiritual forces into human matters? Use at your discretion.
9. Gbogbo wa la ma je breakfast
This is for when you get fired for signing off with all these. The least you can do is end it with a bang. As it has come for you in the morning, it will come for them in the evening.
If you are an introvert who would rather exist in isolation if you can help it, you know things get real for you a lot of time. But only a few things come close to when you have to start a new job and go into an unfamiliar territory. Do the following scenarios sound familiar to you?
The dread you feel the on the day before your first day
https://gph.is/g/aXx7nna
You like the promise your new job holds, but that also means a new space and new people to get used to. The anxiousness that starts on the eve of your first day can really be overwhelming.
You try to avoid everybody on your first day
https://gph.is/g/aXYpnRA
You’re the new kid on the block, so naturally, everyone wants to be nice to you. But all you want to do is to be as invisible as much as you can, so you try to avoid all contact and just bury yourself in the work.
You run off to the toilet every time you need a break
http://gph.is/2HDe9OJ
No one is really bothering you, but you feel their gazes on you. The clicking sound of keyboards and overlapping conversations is getting too much for you too, so you bolt to the bathroom to get your shit together. It really doesn’t work, but you have to try.
The horror you feel when you have to introduce yourself to your new co-workers
http://gph.is/1J5WLNK
New kid on the block duties means you have to let your new colleagues know who you are. You can manage if you have to do it on an inter-personal basis, but the amount of mental energy that goes into preparing for this if you have to stand in the middle of the office and introduce yourself is really exhausting.
You try your best to fit in ASAP so they wouldn’t think you are fake
You feel like they are giving you or your existence much thought, and you would really hate to the guy everyone thinks is the proud, fake co-worker, so you put on your best act to be as natural as much as possible, which is pretty exhausting and futile. You fit in eventually, but it’s a slow, agonising process.
You overthink every word you say every time you have to speak
Collaboration matters a lot in a workspace. You would prefer to be the resident mute, but you have to talk to people sometimes. You think about every single word you utter moments before you say them, and you think about them hours later, hoping they came out in the way you’d hoped.
How else do you explain girls between the ages of 9-13, actively anticipating a river of blood coursing out of their bodies for days on end? I remember feeling downright robbed, but having to fake excitement when everyone else got their first period.
When mine finally came, I only half-heard what my mother said about being responsible now that my ‘menses’ had started. I was already happily three-tap texting the news to my friends on my little Nokia 6230i.
These days, the only thing I feel when my period arrives is dread
When I get that first tell-tale pimple or crink in my back, I take 5 minutes to seriously consider getting pregnant – just so I don’t have to bother with my period for 9 months.
But then I remember my very Nigerian, very Yoruba mother and I’m forced to await my punishment for being a responsible, celibate adult – pretty much. Most times, it feels like my period is looking for the most innovative way to off me, trying out a different pain metric every month until it finds the one. Seeing as women have on average 500 periods in a lifetime, I need to survive about 360 murder attempts till I’m off the hook.
Great.
Periods have always been tough for me.
I remember a dreary day when I had to get my Bencher’s Form signed (a requirement to write the Nigerian Bar Exam). It felt like someone had shackled an anchor to my hip-bone, just so they could intermittently practise puppetry with my insides. All pain meds refused to stay down and I remained affixed to the floor. That floor was a toilet’s – fervent diarrhoea and vomiting are just some of the goodies in my menstrual package.
Hours later, with the pain unrelenting, I was forced to drag myself — back pain, cold sweats, diarrhoea and nausea in tow, to get my form signed.
While my dramatic pain is symptomatic of dysmenorrhea – a condition affecting almost 72.5% of female students in Southern-Nigeria alone – another condition that is nothing but horror to live through while being on your period is endometriosis.
Endometriosis is a condition in which the tissue lining the uterus grows outside of it, resulting in terrible pain during periods, intercourse and in certain instances – infertility.
To get an idea of what the pain of endometriosis feels like, one woman described it saying: “it feels as if someone took a pickaxe to my uterus and is trying to break out”
With many women, pain during periods is the rule and not the exception.
It’s maddening how little talk there is about it. Not in the media — where the most period representation you’d get is a bunch of school-girls just frolicking in glee at the thought of their periods, merrily check-checking each other for stains.
And most certainly, not in the workplace.
I’d always wondered how to handle the monstrous duo of work and having periods thrown in the mix.
With secondary school, I’d always been able to contain the worst of my period pains by befriending the school nurse (she still sends me the best parental Whatsapp BCs) and turning the sick-bay into a second home of sorts. Uni, I could dip at the first sign of period troubles.
With work, there was no telling what would happen – there’s a whole other energy.
The whole purpose of your presence is productivity. Work in Nigeria involves people dodging queries and doing their best semblance of productivity while sneak-watching the fifth season of SGIT. It’s the last place you’d want to display weakness or vulnerability, even if it is beyond your control.
In the third month of my service year, I was attacked by the period Chimera.
I was having the worst cramps in recent memory, I had no painkillers and 0 pads on me. In my defence, my period was uncharacteristically late, so I thought the universe had done me a solid and skipped my period that month. I was wrong.
After twenty minutes of being doubled over and performing my usual period theatrics in the office toilet, my God-sent colleague brought back sufficient pads and painkillers to stave off an army.
While attempting to commiserate and drown out my groans, she told me of past period experiences around the office. There was the lady who slept in her car during lunch-break just so she’d have the opportunity to lay down. There were ones who had to make up family emergencies to leave work. And those who grudgingly told the truth in order to be excused from work. And though we laughed – or at least she laughed while I waited for the meds to kick in – I couldn’t help but consider the very bad hand women had been dealt.
Despite making a significant part of the nation’s workforce, no concessions are granted to women for their monthly dispositions. I’d be almost impossible to find an office that stocks up on pads and painkillers for women, yet every toilet has tissue paper and hand wash.
We’re guessing HR is yet to receive the 3000-year memo that women are susceptible to involuntary bleeding every month.
While I was all too eager to enjoy the trappings of being a Corps member, with more leniency allowed for missing work, my current full-employment prospects have me weighing my options
Do I ask for days off when my period strikes and risk being pegged dramatic (not that I’m too bothered by that)? Or do I go the way of my forebears, grinning and bearing the pain like many colleagues before me?
Times like these, I wish I were born in a country like Japan or even Zambia – where period leaves are called Mother’s Day.
While this is no sure fix-it for the woes women bear with menstruation and the workplace, at least they understand the import of a pain that has made me Google, at my worst; ‘how to perform a uterus autonomy’.
Back to pregnancy as a solution.
My friend – who read an early draft of this story – said to tell you that you can, in fact, get pregnant and still see your period.
So, there goes my plan –haemorrhaging away, like my next period.
Nollywood keeps getting better and has been serving even more awesome movies. These days, the industry is impressing us with movies that tackle social issues in Nigeria.
In this forthcoming movie, The Arbitration, office affairs and rape were defined and heavily highlighted.
The Arbitration takes us through the romantic affair between Gbenga, played by O.C Ukeje, and his employee, Dara, played by the award-winning Adesua Etomi.
However, things go south when Dara sues Gbenga for rape shortly after her resignation from the company.
An arbitration panel which features Ireti Doyle at her best, is set up to investigate the truth behind the story.
Nollywood is officially our BAE for creating a movie which will definitely educate viewers on the definition of rape.
The Arbitration is set to hit the cinemas on August 12 but in the meantime, check out the trailer below: