Notice: Function _load_textdomain_just_in_time was called incorrectly. Translation loading for the wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/bcm/src/dev/www/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121
Women | Page 5 of 5 | Zikoko!

Quizzes

Stacks

Shows

Podcasts

Newsletters

Naira Life

Love Life

Hustleprint

Love Currency

Sunken Ships

What She Said

My Bro

So You Don’t Have To

Interview With…

Zikoko Memes

Jollof Road

Cholera Outbreak Update

Follow our socials

  • 5 Things NOT To Say When Trying To Seduce An Afrikaner

    5 Things NOT To Say When Trying To Seduce An Afrikaner
    This weekend my cousin invited me to her place for drinks. I anticipated nothing more than a night of heavy drinking (punctuated by an increasing number of slurred proclamations starting with the words “in life…”), followed by a morning of deep regret.
    However, before I could get to my second drink and un-buckle my “drinking jeans”, the loud engine of a work-van parking in the guest-house garage  brought my attention to the finest product of South Africa I’d ever laid my eyes on. My jaw dropped (but not my drink…never my drink) as I watched a man so gorgeous that his muddy jeans and rolled up sleeves looked like they’d accompanied him straight out of a 1970’s romance novel titled “[the afrikaans version of] The year Hans, the tractor-mechanic re-awakened my desires” (or something), walk out of the van.
    His piercing eyes and confusingly arousing uni-brow shot sparks through my body and I immediately decided to seduce this man even if it meant my advances would have to be lubricated by the tears of my ancestors. And in true form I found a way to muddle up the whole thing. In fact, when in the heat of the moment my words act as my enemy. I know this because not too long after I opened my mouth all the young man’s attempts to put his mud-caked hands on my nubile thighs while he recounted tales that illustrated his very heroic non-racism (is that a white mating ritual?) came to a loud halt.
    So for the black girls out there that are suffering from a particularly relentless bout of Dutch-fever, I present to you the 5 questions I said that ruined my first (and probably last) attempt to seduce an Afrikaner man.

    1. “So you’re Afrikaner, right? Do your parents have a farm?”

    To this I got a puzzled look that may have illustrated two things: my obvious ignorance and the fellow’s own obvious slow recovery from the concussion he told me got in his high school rugby days. Eventually he laughed “no.”

    2. “Your drunk stories are so funny! What’s the weirdest thing you and your matric friends did when you were drunk? Did you guys ever get really drunk off klipdrift and do something crazy like steal a black village’s land?”

     

    3. “You strike me as a family man…so tell me: if you had to choose between saving a black family and saving your favorite dog from a fire, what therapist would you take your dog to, to help it recover from the trauma of its near-death experience?”

    4. “How many of your ancestors would vomit if you hooked up with me?”

    5. “What’s Afrikaans for “I want to make love to you so passionately that every ancestor I’ve ever had places a 200-year-long curse on our mixed-race offspring?”

    After the last statement the space between us grew exponentially throughout the evening so that by the end I was shouting drunken poetry at the wall of his house while he presumably slept off the last of any “jungle-fever” he had ever had. I suppose I’d better shove away any dreams I ever had of spending my life on a big farm and being perpetually mistaken for the maid by “well-meaning” relatives. Written by Zikoko contributor, Siyanda Writes

    Damilola

    , , , , ,

  • This Is What Happens When Ladies Decide To Turn Tables Around

    This Is What Happens When Ladies Decide To Turn Tables Around

    Ladies usually complain of meeting men that wasted their time and lead them on for too long.

    Especially how the men seem to show interest for a while and then pull back all of a sudden.

    https://twitter.com/yaoguai007/status/684945588811632640

    Some of these women started #Wastehistime2016 to show just how evil women can be.

    No chill whatsoever.

    https://twitter.com/MinajFanatic/status/684838769560694786

    This is just plain evil.

    https://twitter.com/catanagnos/status/684950846413508609

    Netflix and Chill time.

    https://twitter.com/tbhjustpig/status/684949002736005120

    When he asks for nudes.

    When he tries to come between you and the love of your life.

    https://twitter.com/teenagernotes/status/684920158087938048

    On the wedding day.

    https://twitter.com/AlikaArtist/status/684948811878391808

    When you eventually start a family.

    https://twitter.com/DopeEthiopian/status/684877286697385984

    There was a little hate from some of the guys and a February 14 reminder.

    [zkk_poll post=15332 poll=content_block_standard_format_12]

    Maryam

    , , , , , ,

  • How To Ask A Girl Out Nigerian Style

    How To Ask A Girl Out Nigerian Style

    Are you male and finding it difficult to walk up to a potential bae and begin the seizing?

    Well, start taking notes because these delectable Nigerian men will show you the best pick up lines to use.

    Call her “Rasheedah”.

    Well, just because you can.

    Call her “Baby” or “Angel”.

    Awww! Pet names are so adorable.

    Hit her up on Whatsapp.

    Get her number at all costs, Whatsapp is the way.

    Tell her you like her future.

    Literally.

    Call her diamond princess.

    Yes, because that bae is a precious gift.

    Come out straight and say you love her on the spot.

    The Kingdom of God taketh by force.

    Or you could be indirect and subtle.

    In case she likes to play hard to get.

    Ask to be her friend.

    You may or may not get friend zoned depending on how sleek you are.

    Tell her your heart is pleased with her.

    It’s not a joking matter.

    Show her the feeling you have in you.

    In the mirror or however you want to go about it.

    Be confident and cocky too.

    Because you are an important person in the society.

    Watch this video and see all the pick up lines you’ve never heard before.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THUunbcyCeE

    Maryam

    , , , , ,

  • 7 Ridiculous Excuses Given By Rapists For Violating Their Victims

    7 Ridiculous Excuses Given By Rapists For Violating Their Victims

    Albeit being a violent crime, rapists on many occasions get away with their crime.

    To add insult to injury, rapists usually give the most ridiculous reasons for raping their victims. Here are some that will make you angry:

    1. “I tripped and accidentally raped her”

    A Saudi millionaire upon questioning claimed he tripped and fell into an 18 year old girl’s vagina, which resulted in an accidental rape.

    2. “She was possessed”

    A man of God in Nasarawa state raped a 13 year old because that was his own way of casting out demons off her.

    3. “It was not a rape”

    Disowned Unilag lecturer maintained he had only consensual sex with his friend’s daughter even after medical reports and bruises on her privates proved he actually raped her.

    4. “She wasn’t decent”

    A young woman in India was beaten and brutally gang raped which consequently lead to her death in 2012. The driver of the rape bus claimed she wasn’t decent and shouldn’t have fought back.

    5. “It was Satan”

    One of the 8 men who gang raped a teenager in Ilorin on orders of her boyfriend blamed Satan, the most accused person in history, for violating her several times.

    6. “Her younger sister was rude”

    A young woman in Lagos was gang raped by her angry ex and his friends because her younger sister was rude to them at a party.

    7. “I am not gay”

    An 18 year old British boy raped and stabbed two teenage girls because he couldn’t come to terms with his homosexuality and also wanted to know how killing a person felt.

    Maryam

    , , , , , , , , ,

  • 16 Struggles Every Woman On Her Period Has To Deal With

    16 Struggles Every Woman On Her Period Has To Deal With

    1. When you start getting unnecessarily cranky and emotional

    Again?

    2. So you try to figure out when last you got your period

    Not now please.

    3. And you realise it is that time of the month

    What is this nonsense?

    4. Then the killer cramps come

    Death always seems like the easy option.

    5. And you feel like World War 3 is happening inside of you

    When will this internal battle end?!

    6. So you just want to lay down and die

    Urghhhhh.

    7. But your hormones decide to go into overdrive

    And everyone suddenly becomes extra annoying.

    8. And you don’t want to go out because you imagine that everyone sees you this way

    A living, walking and breathing  pool of blood.

    9. And you get more pimples

    Is this even life?

    10. And you can’t seem to make the cramps stop

    Please just stop for one second.

    11. Then someone says “it’s just cramps”

    Face your front please.

    12. And you can’t even manage to sneeze without this happening

    Ordinary sneezing o.

    13. Then your breasts become super sensitive

    Please just stay 5 feet away.

    14. And you can’t even lie down comfortably

    What is life?

    15. And it feels like it’s never going to end

    No seriously, kuku just kill me.

    16. But at last it does and you remember

    Praise the Lord!

    Damilola

    , ,

  • Lines From “Hey Mama” By David Guetta And Nicki Minaj That Set Women Back Like A Million Years

    Lines From “Hey Mama” By David Guetta And Nicki Minaj That Set Women Back Like A Million Years

    Odunayo

    ,
    , , , ,

  • “What is Pretty?” This Web Series Asks Black Girls All Over The World To Answer

    “What is Pretty?” This Web Series Asks Black Girls All Over The World To Answer


    Nigerian-American filmmaker and blogger, Antonia Opiah, launched Pretty in January this year, to explore black women’s perception of self-image, across the globe, in spaces that tend to favor Euro-centric beauty archetypes – you know, blonde hair, blue eyes.

    Pretty travels round the globe asking black women: “What is pretty?” So far, Pretty has touched down in Paris, Milan and London, and after Europe the series is coming to Africa and then North America and South America.

    The series also records every woman’s message about beauty in their “traveling notebook.” See some messages:

    Sarah, Paris

    Sonia, Paris

    Frederique, London

    Adora, London

    Fredamily, Milan

    Fatima, London

    Watch:

    View the rest of the videos on Pretty‘s YouTube channel here.
    “What is Pretty” to you?

     

    Odunayo

    , ,

  • 21 Really Stupid Questions People Ask Nigerian Girls

    21 Really Stupid Questions People Ask Nigerian Girls

    As always, we are committed to your laughter and well being; so here to save you from a ravaged relationship and social suicide are 21 questions you should NEVER, never ever ask your/a Nigerian girl.

    Some of these questions may not seem like a big deal right now, but trust us; you’ll thank us for this later:

    1. What’s Your Body Count?

    chewing gum side eye

    2. Do you have any siblings, like a younger sister, maybe?

    lhhatl angry

    3. When last did you change this profile picture?

    naomi campbell you're an idiot

    4. How did you screw-up your last relationship?

    5. How long does it take to put on all that make-up?

    6. Did you know my aunt has that same kind of hairstyle?

    allison diezani

    7. Is it that time of the month?

    8. Have you gained weight?

    9. Is that what you’re going to wear?

    they got screenshots and you still lying

    10. Don’t you know how to cook?

    IMG_20150617_093156

    11. Are you a virgin?

    12. My ex-girlfriend used to do this. Can you do this too?

    13. Are You Really Going To Eat All That?

    14. Can We Have A Threesome?

    15. Why are you single?

    16. Are you bleaching?

    toke makinwa

    17. What weave is that?

    18. Why do you like wearing that gown?

    19. Are you wearing a butt pad or is that your real ass?

    lhhatl ass

    20. Is this how you’ll behave in your husband’s house?

    Stella_Damasus_Marriage_Crashes_Again_Two_Brides_And_A_Baby

    21. Is this how girls from your village behave?

    think about it

    Odunayo

    , , , , ,

  • 27 Things Men Do In Bed That Women ABSOLUTELY Hate

    27 Things Men Do In Bed That Women ABSOLUTELY Hate

    Hello there!

    And to all the men who have been gravely misled by Esquire magazine, welcome to your roast.

    We all know guys have strong opinions, seriously tough ones, about women’s sexual performance, but we have news for you. Women have got some – not at all nice – things to say about you men, too.

    Yesterday, a blessed soul made a Twitter call for women to air your dirty laundry and boy, did it stink!

    https://twitter.com/moscaddie/status/628967610500141060

    This is women not-subtly-at-all telling you to stop doing all the annoying stuff you think they enjoying (They do NOT).

    So guys, here are 27 things you need to learn about sex with women:

    1. It’s not a jar of candy, stop trying to put your whole hand inside.

    What are you waving at? Are you the queen of England?

    2. Orgasms are not charity. Put your back into the work.

    https://twitter.com/hobbies_include/status/628973979508682752

    Go on, lick!

    3. All women are not the same.

    I feel like that goes without saying.

    4. Not dishes, stop scrubbing.

    https://twitter.com/SuzanEraslan/status/628970443119173632

    LMAO! No chewing. Why do I even have to tell you this?

    5. Down there? Not a red wine stain. Gently please.

    https://twitter.com/WeWantKandy/status/620147717633748992

    Smh

    6. You’re not going to strike gold, please stop hammering.

    https://twitter.com/koalaincognito/status/628970948566368256

    Are you trying to break ground?

    7. It’s not a kettle you rub for magical favours.

    https://twitter.com/babyhorselegs/status/628971028912467968

    Some action required.

    8. Who messed you up?

    https://twitter.com/babyhorselegs/status/628971465359106048

    Answer’s probably no, but please ask.

    9. This isn’t a board game.

    Seriously?

    10. It’s not football, no commentary needed.

    https://twitter.com/stavvers/status/628971616718966784

    Announcements?

    11. LMAO! No Lizard flicks.

    https://twitter.com/maggiejh3/status/628973656769560576

    LOL!

    12. When women say “just like that”, they actually mean “just like that”.

    https://twitter.com/jdotsett/status/628969294383071232

    Not faster, not slower, JUST LIKE THAT!

    13. Let me just go buy batteries, my friend.

    https://twitter.com/churlishmeg/status/628974593903054848

    Why are you now here?

    14. Make a sound if you’re still alive – or enjoying it. Ugh!

    Don’t throw your girl into a state of confusion.

    15. This is not a drainage, you garbage person!

    https://twitter.com/laurelita/status/628968358843551744

    Yes, we know it will get there anyway. Just don’t spit.

    16. No “trial and error” before I backhand you.

    https://twitter.com/maggiejh3/status/628969984639700993

    You’re going to have to get the “okay” first before you put it in the back.

    17. You’re not Leonardo Di Caprio. Get your head back down.

    https://twitter.com/babytriggy/status/628972094823530496

    Warm up session’s not over.

    18. Remember the phrase “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say it”?

    https://twitter.com/uncoolestgirl/status/628980077997490176

    Well, yeah. No one screams for vanilla.

    19. You’re not Barney Stinson.

    https://twitter.com/babyhorselegs/status/628972028767432704

    I repeat, you’re not Barney Stin… never mind.

    20. And it’s not Shawarma.

    Don’t go swallowing someone’s pride.

    21. Just… NO.

    That would feel like being nudged by a dog. Not sexual at all. In case you were wondering.

    22. This is not okay.

    https://twitter.com/AtlasSmugged/status/628993958526492673

    You literally came and left through the back.

    23. There are no stress balls on a woman’s body.

    Also your mouth is not a fan.

    24. Not a musical instrument.

    LMAOOO!

    25. Come on, leave it as you met it.

    It’s the least you can do.

    26. Ridiculous.

    I can’t.

    27. Go hard or go home.

    https://twitter.com/mistresswhat/status/628990969539653632

     

    All puns intended.

    anigif_enhanced-32304-1415064542-23

     

    The women have spoken. No need for mock outrage or feelings of guilt, guys. Just do better.

    So please tell us… what are the very worst thing men have done to you in bed?

    Odunayo

    , , ,

  • 5 Amazing Things About Black Skin

    5 Amazing Things About Black Skin

    If there is one thing we know to be absolutely true, across all timelines in the multiverse, is that black skin, in all shades, is top tier. There’s no mistake about that. As a black person, there are many benefits and perks to having black skin. Here are five of them.

    1) The way it glistens in the sun.

    What Dark-Skinned People Need to Know About Skin Cancer – Cleveland Clinic

    There’s nothing more mesmerizing than watching a black person at the beach get in the water and emerge, literally shinning in the sun like one of the vampires from Twilight. There’s a reason that that scene of Halle Berry coming out of the ocean in “Die Another Day” is iconic.

    2) All that melanin.

    Ami Colé Is the New Beauty Brand Celebrating Melanin-Rich Skin | Teen Vogue

    Melanin is responsible for the different shades of black skin, eyes, and hair colours. It also provides UV protection for the body parts against the harmful Ultra Violet rays of the sun. Not only do black people get natural protection, but it also makes us look good. Love that for us.

    3) The way it pops in pictures.

    Beautifully captured by @_mariannepaul • Beauty. Sun-kissed. Laughter. Smile. Happy. Brown skin. Dark skin women. Da… | Dark skin women, Dark skin beauty, Dark skin

    If you ever come across a picture on Instagram of a black person captioned #SunKissed, get on your knees and be thankful for being blessed with such beauty. That beauty is native to black skin only and is better than any beauty filter photo-editing applications can give.

    4) So many flattering colours make black skin look better.

    15 Dark skin colours ideas | dark skin, skin color, dresses

    First of all, you can wear any colours you want. It’s up to you and no one else. However, there are some colours that fashion experts have revealed are perfect for accentuating and flattering black skin. Some examples of these are Cobalt, red, green, violet, pink, gold, and red.

    5) Beyoncé has a song celebrating black skin.

    Beyoncé wins Best Music Video Grammy for Brown Skin Girl | News | Promonews

    Queen Mother herself, Lady Beyoncé Giselle Knowles Carter, released an anthem with an accompanying music video featuring Wizkid as an ode to black skin. What is more amazing than that?!

    Have you seen a black woman today? Feast your eyes on a few entries from Nivea’s My Cocoa Shade challenge.

    Want to show off your beautiful skin tone?

    Here’s how to participate:

    Click this WhatsApp chatbot link.

    OR DM “My Cocoa Shade” to +2349087511938

    • Share your beautiful picture.
    • Give your shade a unique name.
    • Share to your social media.Tag @nivea_ng and use these hashtags #MyCocoaShade #WearYourSkinWithPride #NIVEANourishingCocoa

    There are lots of cool prizes to be won, so leggo!

    Susan Nwaobiala

    , , ,