Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.

Take us to the beginning of your dating experience. Was it a good start?

You tell me. My first boyfriend was a cultist. 

I didn’t know immediately, but when he told me over a year into the relationship, I didn’t break up with him. It just explained why he often disappeared for a while and was rather inconsistent. I only broke up with him about three years later, when I couldn’t handle his inconsistency any longer.

How did you meet a cultist though?

I met him in 2011 at a JAMB tutorial centre, and we dated on and off during the three years it took me to finally gain admission into university — no thanks to federal universities. I remember when we started dating, he disappeared for about a year, and I couldn’t get in touch with him. I was so confused. But then, he came back and eventually showed me his cult shirt. I was 19 then, and very naive. I already liked him a lot, so I didn’t break up with him.

Let’s talk about the inconsistency that eventually led to that

One time, he kept me waiting for up to an hour for a date. Other times, I’d just not hear from him for weeks. Then, he’d turn up and want to carry on with the relationship like nothing happened. I’d just find myself crying in bed because I missed him and didn’t understand what was going on. I eventually convinced myself that the heartache wasn’t worth it.

And after him?

After him, I finally got into school and another relationship. This person cheated on me with my friend because I wasn’t ready to have sex. My friend was even the one who came and told me. After that one, I didn’t date again throughout uni. 

But there was a guy who asked me out for up to two years. He was consistent; he’d come to my hostel on campus, and we’d gist and laugh for hours. I decided to give him a chance after graduation in 2017, and he ended up being my best boyfriend to date. He was kind and thoughtful, but he lied about being a smoker when he knew it was my dealbreaker at the time. When he finally came clean, I broke up with him. 

Ironically, I smoke now.

What is this life?

Around that time, I started learning about things like gender inequality, feminism and internalised misogyny. I’d been poking holes through things society portrayed as normal for a while, but it really came to a head that year. I started NYSC at the end of 2017 and got into another relationship. The problem started when I decided to carry my new boyfriend along on my newfound journey. 

He didn’t take it well?

No. We started having arguments from early on, about things as little as having rights as a woman. 

One time, we went to computer village to fix my phone. As we were leaving, the repairman ran after us to return something my boyfriend forgot, saying, “Thank God say no be your woman you forget like that.” I was shocked and later shared with him how that came across as equating me to an object. I was mindblown that he didn’t understand how that was a problem, how you can draw a straight line from that kind of mindset to the general violence against women. 

It’s like the majority of men don’t see women as human but as objects that exist solely for the pleasure of men.

Do you think he saw you that way too?

Not obviously, but there were things he did. 

For example, I wasn’t sexually active at the time. I had a Pentecostal Christian upbringing, where I wasn’t allowed to wear trousers or earrings. Of course, sex was a big no. We’d make out sometimes but never go all the way. 

One day, we’d gotten to the point of dry humping, and the next thing I heard was, “I put in just the tip.” I cried for an hour, I felt so betrayed. And the main problem was he didn’t even see how he’d violated me and taken advantage of my trust. He hadn’t even cared to seek consent because he had access to my body and felt entitled. That experience affected me so much, I had to get therapy to heal from it. 

Have you had any healthy relationships with men?

I honestly don’t think so because my next memorable relationship was long-distance and toxic as hell. 

We met during NYSC in 2018 but didn’t date until after because we were both in relationships. After NYSC, he went back abroad and then asked me out sometime in 2020. I agreed to date him because he’d been a really good friend, and I thought he was a decent human being. 

However, I shared my reservations about long-distance relationships beforehand. Big mistake, because he spent our entire three-month relationship using that as proof I didn’t really like him instead of that I, in fact, liked him enough to try with him! Suffice it to say, the relationship was one big emotional rollercoaster.

Interview With Rollercoaster: “Now, Why Am I in It?”

How so, please?

He’d always play these mind games about how he knew I didn’t like him and was cheating on him with my ex, or just make negative assumptions about almost everything I said or didn’t say. 

One time, I half-heartedly asked if he’d upgrade my iPhone 6 to a 7 or 8 — X was the latest grade at the time, so I wasn’t greedy. He just responded with a comment implying that that was why I really agreed to date him. 

Wow

Later, he asked to take a break because he was having domestic issues. I asked if there was any way I could support him, and he accused me of making what he was going through all about me. 

Some weeks later, he messaged me saying I shouldn’t wait for him. Did he expect me to put my life on hold for him before? In retrospect, I realise he only initiated that relationship so he could get my nudes.

No!

Yes. He even texted me some months later asking if I could reshare them with him, that he’d mistakenly deleted all the ones I’d shared. I spent the whole of COVID year recovering from him.

Men are what?

Is it the one I had a situation-ship with later in 2020, who kept talking about his ex, making comments like: “When the most beautiful person you’ve ever dated is now in someone else’s arms,” or “If his ex was single right now, he’d be with her.” It was particularly annoying because I’d asked him several times about it before and he lied and said he was over her. Of course, I eventually gained sense and left that one. 

But guess what. He still gave me three missed calls last night (2023).

What was the last straw for you with men?

Sometime in September 2022, I met two guys on the same night out in South. 

I don’t know which one showed me the most pepper, the insecure dog beater or this nonchalant guy. And not even at the same time o.

Oh, dear. When you say “dog beater”

I’ve truly seen it all. 

So this guy walked up to me while I was taking fresh air outside South, and started talking about how he was a hot shot who made clothes for celebs. We exchanged IG contacts, and later on, we started DMing. That’s how he started sending me Instagram posts of wigs I can choose from. Before I knew it, he was offering to buy me a phone and change my life. I told him to calm down; I didn’t want anything from him; we barely knew each other. He went off on me that “Am I trying to insinuate he had ulterior motives?”

At some point, we agreed to go see a movie together, but when he picked me up, he said he wanted to take something from his “atelier”. He drove us to a self-contained apartment in Surulere, and I immediately knew that was where he lived. 

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Uh oh

There was this other guy watching a football match. I sat on the one sofa available, right next to a bed. He sat beside me, and that was how the idea of seeing a movie flew out the window. He just kept asking me things like, “What would ₦500k do for me right now?” “Send me your account number, I’ll wire you ₦1m.” It was a lot. 

Then, he took my hand and placed it on his crotch. 

Ah

I jumped up and knew I had to get out of that situation. He stood up too and walked into another room that must’ve been his kitchen. Next thing, I heard this loud keening that sounded almost human until I realised it was a dog.

What was wrong with the dog?

I peeked in through the slightly open door and saw this dog chained to a table. 

First of all, the room was dirty. Then, the dog must’ve been white originally, but its fur was brownish and matted. It just looked so sad. Meanwhile, this guy was screaming at it and started hitting the poor thing. Oh my God. He came back out, and I asked what the problem was. He said, “I just bought this stupid thing because I thought it was cool. Didn’t know I’d have to be cleaning piss and shit.”

Someone needs to rescue that poor dog!

I know. 

I just hightailed it out of there. I told him I needed to get something to eat, and he offered to drive me to this shawarma guy near my house. From there, I said he didn’t have to wait with me for it to be ready. As soon as he drove away, I blocked him. FAST. 

Even on the way there, it was road rage galore. I was like, if I even make the mistake of dating this person, he’d beat me.

God, abeg. 

And the other guy?

That one was both better and worse.

It’s giving wedding vows

DFKM. 

He also chatted me up at South that night, and said I was his exact spec. But then, we ended up in a situation-ship because I wasn’t looking for a relationship anyway. At first, I didn’t mind because the sex was good, but he was so nonchalant. 

How did he expose himself?

I made the mistake of messaging my friend that he was someone I couldn’t even have intelligent conversations with. He saw the message and was offended. I felt bad so I apologised, but he ended up using that as a weapon against me later. 

Also, we’d always meet up at my house because he lived with his parents. I’d cook for him, or order food or snacks for us, but not once did he ever think to bring me anything on his way. Not food or a little present, nothing. 

So you broke up the entanglement?

No. Not at first. The sex was good.

But then, in April 2023, I started having severe anxiety over a job I was about to start, with responsibilities I didn’t feel completely confident I could deliver on, so I shared my concerns with him. That led to me opening up that I wished he’d be more sensitive and caring. Then I asked for a break because I wanted to be celibate.

His response?

I was just saying all that because I wanted a full relationship with him. Apparently, I was trying to guilt-trip him into committing. Then he brought up how I’d already told my friends he was unintelligent, so why did I suddenly want to date him? 

I was disappointed, annoyed and done with the whole thing. We haven’t spoken since.

So what now?

Nothing. I’ve completely given up on dating men. 

I don’t think men and women think the same way at all, and I’m exhausted from trying to find common ground with one. Maybe if a man came correct, is a kind and decent human being to me, I’d change my mind. I want someone who’d make a real effort to want to be in my life.

These days, I’ve been exploring relationships with women, and it’s been a lot healthier for me. Women have been a lot kinder to me.

But have you always been bisexual or is this because of your toxic experiences with men?

I’ve always been bisexual, but I didn’t realise it until 2021 when I started to truly experience life outside the confines of Christianity.

I’ve always liked women and found some of them attractive in a sexual way. But I’d usually write it off as a girl crush. I’d been socialised never to pursue such an interest, so I never did.

What changed in that regard?

In 2022, it just occurred to me to explore it fully. 

One day, a friend convinced me to open a Bumble account, and I filled in “everyone” when they asked what gender I was interested in. Shortly after, I met a woman on there, and we became friends. Recently, we’ve started talking more romantically, and she makes me feel good. 

Most of my friends are queer. I have maybe three straight friends in total, so it’s nothing new to me. Just last week, I attended a queer speed dating event, and that was the first time I’ve put myself out there as someone interested in queer relationships. It was such a wholesome experience.

I love it for you

There’s something the girl I met on Bumble told me once. She said, “It’s okay if, at the end of this journey, you realise you’re straight. But at least, you’ll know.” That’s where I am right now, but I know for sure I won’t find out I’m not straight.

I’m curious how you know for sure 

Even sex with women is better because men are selfish in that department too. The women I’ve been with always ask how you’re doing, and mutual pleasure is considered. I’ve never got that feeling with men.

Never?

In the beginning, they’re all “heart eyes”. But once you give them small space, they start moving mad. It seems no man has loved me enough to make the effort to be a decent human being to me.

For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women-like content, click here

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Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.

What’s your earliest memory of regretting a decision?

Deciding not to go with my mum on a “trip” when I was seven. She never came back. Living with my dad and his next wife wasn’t great. I often felt neglected.

Did you ever see your mother again?

No, I didn’t. 

The story is that she relocated to somewhere in Europe — most of my people say Greece — and was never heard from again. I’ve thought about her every day since then, but I don’t know why I never tried to look for her. Of course, for most of my youth, it was hard to communicate with people who weren’t in direct contact. There were no cell phones or social media. 

Now, she’d be over 80 or dead. But I’ve always longed for that maternal love and wondered why she left or if she ever regretted leaving me.

What was life like growing up without her?

It was a blur. I don’t remember much of it, just that I never felt loved. 

I was the first and only child of my parents. My father went on to have five children with my stepmother, so they and their needs always came first. And being much older than them, I often had to take care of them like a nanny would, only I never got paid for my work. I cooked for them and cleaned up after them for much of my childhood. 

Going to secondary school at age 12 came as a relief because I was sent to a boarding school in Benin City, which was some distance from Warri, where my family lived.

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Do you ever wonder why they sent you far away?

Not really. All my cousins went to the same school, so I was happy my father did the same for me. FGGC Benin City was one of the best unity schools in the South back in the day. We used to compete with Queens College. 

My time there was my first real experience of being happy. I had such a great time connecting with other girls there, and because my cousins were seniors, I was always treated well. I also spent most holidays with a family friend who lived in Benin. 

When it became time for university was when all that joy crashed for a while.

What happened?

I clashed with my father over what course to study. 

He wanted me to be an accountant like him, but I’d loved making art and sculptures while in boarding school. I wanted to go study creative arts at the then Bendel State University. But he claimed he couldn’t afford it and wanted me to go to the College of Education in Abraka since I wanted to study art. The school was like a Government Teachers’ Training College, so I immediately knew he had no intention of letting me study what I wanted. 

That’s how I didn’t end up going to school until three years later after. This was when the school in Abraka became part of Bendel State University. 

What did you do in the meantime?

I was 18, and my father just let me be, as long as he didn’t have to give me money. I stayed with my family friend in Benin for some time before returning to Warri to take a secretarial course in 1980. That was where I met and fell in love with a handsome young man, one of the part-time trainers. We were married within a year, with my father’s full blessings. 

I’m guessing that delayed your return to school further?

Partly, but once all the fanfare of the wedding was over, my husband was the driving force behind my return. I was just 19, but even though he was much older than me, he was also quite young at 27. So we decided we wouldn’t rush into having children and instead focus on my education and him properly establishing his fishery business. My father had given him some capital to expand it at some point.

How did school go? 

I started university in 1982 when I was just about to turn 21. I ended up studying art education and history, which wasn’t bad. But that shifted my focus from making art to teaching it. At the time, I didn’t notice my focus was shifting, but seeing how two of my secondary school peers have made great strides with their art, I regret not staying my course. 

I’m sure many can relate to that

I also didn’t have a great time studying in Abraka. Students there were much different than the ones I was used to in Warri and Benin; they weren’t nearly as studious and always made fun of me for being uptight. I could never really fit in, especially since I didn’t live on campus. Right after my graduation in 1985, I got pregnant and decided to keep it, so I shared the news with my husband.

Sounds like there were past pregnancies you decided not to keep?

Yes. I’d been pregnant twice before, but I didn’t want to derail my education further. My husband still doesn’t know about them.

So abortions were a thing in the 80s?

Of course, but they’ve never been done in the open. I went to a clinic on both occasions, but everything was very hush-hush.

But I don’t think abortions should be encouraged because I still feel guilty about the ones I had. I feel selfish that I chose myself; I didn’t want to be “inconvenienced”. But the truth is, if I went back in time, I’d still make that decision. 

Actually, I just wouldn’t have married so early.

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Why not?

It wasn’t strange to marry at 18-22 in those days, but in hindsight, I’m glad that trend is less commonplace today. The reason is I felt ill-equipped for the responsibilities of being a wife for the longest time, and I’m sure many of my peers who married as teenagers felt the same. Taking care of the house and the needs of another adult can take a toll on a woman’s sense of self. I never had time for myself outside school and homemaking in those early years — no leisure activities, no hobbies, few friends who reduced in number as the years passed.

Did it ever get better?

Well, after I got my education degree, I was pregnant, and all of a sudden, my husband was talking about relocating to Germany. 

He’d gotten an opportunity to study for a master’s there, and he was allowed to bring his family with him. I taught art in a state secondary school for seven months before we moved in 1986. I had my son two months later. I didn’t even do NYSC. 

Raising him in a completely new environment like that was hell. Especially when my husband moved to England alone the next year, right after he’d gotten his master’s.

Ah. But why?

For better work opportunities. But this time, he couldn’t move with his family because he left without getting a concrete job first. He just used his Schengen visa to travel. I don’t know how he did it, but long story short, he was gone for the next 30 years.

Ahh. And you couldn’t join him at any point?

Neither of us ever got a good enough job, so we just didn’t have the resources for us (me and our son) to join him. I gave birth in Germany, so our son was a citizen and had a kinderreisepass, which came with privileges that were only valid in Germany and some other European countries at that time. 

Even though this also made him an EU citizen with rights in the UK pre-Brexit, my husband was convinced it wouldn’t make much difference as Europeans were often harassed for being immigrants too. For some reason, it took him ten years to get a permanent residency in the UK. I later heard that it shouldn’t have taken him more than five years.

And what was life like without him for 30 years?

I always say I never got to experience married life because we went from me being busy with school, to relocating and readjusting to a new continent where he was mostly working or in classes, to living apart. So I didn’t feel like I missed much, only it would’ve helped to be supported in raising a child. 

My son’s toddler years were particularly hellish for me. My husband sent money for rent when he could, but I still had to work as a shop attendant for three years to augment and pay for food and heating. Later, I started babysitting for most of the African mums in my area who could afford the extra expense, and that helped a lot. 

Communication with my husband was few and far between, so I very much felt like a single mum. It was cold and lonely.

What happened after he finally got his permanent residency?

We started planning to join him. But soon, the conversation shifted to “We can’t uproot David* [our son] now. It’ll affect his education and psychology.” At the time, I agreed. Our boy was just becoming a teenager and had really immersed himself in the local community. It felt cruel to uproot him at that time. 

So the plan became to wait till it was time for him to go to college, which was an entire seven to eight years in the future.

Wow

During that time, my husband visited at least once a year and stayed for two to four weeks, usually in the summer. But he never really re-integrated into our family unit. Our son still treats him like an uncle. 

In 2002, our son was done with secondary school, but I was no longer interested in moving to the UK. He also wasn’t in a hurry to go to college, so he took a gap year before entering Zurich. From there, he built a life for himself and moved on. 

I’m actually happy because he’s now living my dream of making art. He has a home gallery for his glass mosaic pieces and an agency that represents him in Europe. I couldn’t be more proud.

What about you?

Much of my adult life was spent being a professional nanny and babysitter just to pay for the basics and save for my son’s college funds. Between 1990 and 2000, I took several courses and got certificates that allowed me to run the business formally. I absolutely didn’t want to rely on whatever plan his father may or may not have had.

After my son left and found his own way, I went to college myself and got an MA in education. My husband and I have been estranged since at least 2009. I’ve been working in academia since the MA, and I’m currently on my way to getting a professorship. 

That sounds amazing

My life doesn’t look to be ending badly, but I’d kill to start over. 

I’d study art and be a visual artist. I’d marry at a more mature age. I’d marry someone I can have proper conversations about the trajectory of our family and be part of the decision-making process. I’d have at least four children, and hopefully, raise them in a healthier environment.

Maybe then, I wouldn’t feel so alone and like I’ve wasted my life?

Or maybe, I’d even go with my mother when she asked, but who knows how that would’ve ended.

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