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There’s almost nothing as annoying as having to suffer through an unwanted visitor’s visit, especially when they overstay their welcome. You’re on your own happily minding your business trying to make heaven and someone decides to test you?
These tips will help you pass the message that it’s time to come and be going.
Start cleaning up
Start sweeping the spot where they’re seated so they have to do that awkward dance where they try to move their legs away from the spot you’re sweeping. Do that every five minutes and just tell them you like a clean home.
Tell them you want to fumigate the house
If the first option doesn’t work, just tell them you saw scorpions in your kitchen three times in the past two days and you need to fumigate the house. They’ll run away.
Sleep off
They’ll get bored and leave on their own. Some stubborn ones will join you to sleep sha.
Start turning off the lights
Turn off everything and say your doctor told you to start sleeping by 6 p.m. to improve your kidney health.
Tell them you quickly want to run an errand and ask them to accompany you. Then you can take them to Balogun market and lose them in the crowd.
Fake an emergency call
“The village pet goat just went into labour? On my way there right now!”
Just tell them to leave
Because life is too short to be stressing about what you should or shouldn’t say. Just politely tell them it’s not a good time. Or not. The point is, just do you.
Paying people visits is an extreme sport; you never know what to expect. If you’re visiting someone out of the blue, you should probably lower your expectations because some experiences might scar you. These are the worst kinds of Nigerians to visit
1. People that don’t have light
You’ll just be looking at yourself like “Did I come here to suffer?” They’ll keep saying “And we always have light oh, it’s just today”. Lies.
2. People that have dogs
They’ll be saying “Bruno doesn’t bite, he just wants to play with you”, but Bruno looks like he was sent from the seventh layer of hell to devour your bones and take your soul.
3. People that leave you with their parents
“So, what are you doing now that you lost your job and your boyfriend left you?”
4. People that don’t give you food
Please feed me
5. Boring people
“I want to go home”.
6. Horny people
“Oh hey you’re visiting me, you must want some INTENSE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE!”
These are always our favourite kinds of visitors. The big aunties and uncles that always come armed with goodies and never leave without dropping “something” in your hand when they’re leaving. Stomach infrastructure so on point it’s like they all attended the Fayose School of Stomach Infrastructure.
2. The FFO (For Food Only)
These ones will visit your house for the food. It’s all about the food. They will time it to arrive just when lunch is being prepared so that you will have no choice but to add their mouth join.
3. The Picky Eaters
These ones will refuse everything you offer them. They are either watching their weight or height, and if they even end up agreeing to take something, they will never finish anything you serve them.
4. The Poke Nosers
These ones can’t keep their opinions to themselves. They have an opinion on everything. From how you cook your food to how you discipline your children. Uncle, who asked you?
5. The Unannounced Visitor
These ones will never call or text or even “Wuzzup” before coming around. They’ll just show up, like Judgement Day, and start giving you wahala trying to think of what to offer them, getting where they will sleep ready and everything.
6. The “I Just Dropped By” Visitors
These ones are not so bad. Their visit is always quick. It usually starts and ends at the door. They just sha wanted to see your face that you’re alive and they’re gone. Finish. O pari. Shikena. No stress to go and start buying coke and groundnut.
7. The Freeloader
They might have come into your home for a visit, but before they leave they will become a part of the family. They will enter your house with one small bag, then before you know it, their possessions have full everywhere and they do not want to leave again.
And now, here’s a post on the 7 kinds of people you’ll meet at the ATM:
Sometimes, you may not be in the best moods to entertain visitors. To make matters worse, they come and start misbehaving. You are just there praying to God to hold your mouth and hands. If you have ever been in this situation you will understand these.
1. When someone comes visiting with a travelling bag
Hello, excuse me what’s all this? Visit not vacation!
2. When they come and start asking for the most random things
It seems something is wrong with you today.
3. “Why didn’t you arrange your house”
Is it your house? Is it your arrange? Leave me please.
4. When they start making food demands like asking for pounded yam
Because this is your family restaurant?
5. Guests that only show up when they know you are cooking
You are such an unfortunate fellow but you won’t hear it from my mouth.
6. When a guest changes the DSTV channel to Africa Magic Yoruba
Are you okay at all? On my own money for subscription.
7. And then proceed to state they prefer fresh fish
The people that are doing you are dead.
8. When visitors want to scold you or encourage your parents to scold you
Oshey minister of scolding, carry your wahala and go. Oversabi.
9. And they expect you to cater to their needs and entertain them
What do you think I look like?
10. When a visitor says”can I have that drink you gave me the other time”
Ths one wants to turn me to bar man. Can you please not.
11. When a guest boldly says “won’t you turn on the gen?”
As costly as fuel is? Not today Satan.
12. When guests start thinking being a guest = special rights
So you want me to serve you and clear the plates and wash them? Please use your brain.
13. When guests begin to feel too comfortable and at home
Excuse me sir, I pay the rent here.
14. Or someone starts heading to your fridge or cupboard
Where do you think you are going?
15. When a guest starts invading your room and closet
Heyss don’t be stupid my friend respect yourself.
16. When they want takeaway because the food was sweet
If you don’t get out from here before I open my eyes.
17. And sometimes when they begin to overstay their welcome
See, we have burial in the village come and be going please.
Sometimes, you may not be in the best moods to entertain visitors. To make matters worse, they come and start misbehaving. You are just there praying to God to hold your mouth and hands. If you have ever been in this situation you will understand these.
