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Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, so it’s hard to understand why you’re just looking for gifts for the people you claim you love. But we don’t judge, so we made this list of affordable, ‘hurry-hurry’ gifts the banana in your smoothie would love.
A Fan
Image source: afriledge
This will confirm you’re their biggest fan, and they’ll also know you care for them and don’t want this devilish heat to set them ablaze. I mean, let’s be honest, the only thing that should burn is your love for them.
Foodstuff
Image source: fecofoods
The cost of things goes up every day. If you love the apple of your eye, you’ll walk into the nearby market and get two bunches of plantain and a crate of eggs for them. If they use it well, you’ll have fed them for at least a week.
A photo album
Image source: redtreealbums
If you can’t feed them for whatever reason, let them feast their eyes on your beauty and the memories you’ve shared together for free. Let’s be honest, w you can make that photo album on your phone with Canva.
Flowers
Image Source: dengarden
Unless you plan on robbing the florist, there is a low chance of you getting flowers for your beau with ₦10k, so we suggest you take a stroll around your city to pick flowers or buy plastic flowers. Remember to spray your perfume on them and hope they don’t shout “it’s even plastic” when they see it.
A shirt
Image source: freepik
Not just any shirt, though. Buy them one with your face on it. Make it big and bold so everyone can know who’s captured their heart.
PS: Maybe doing it with a crop top will be more ideal (Have you felt this heat?).
A personalised food tray
Image source: pinterest
If the love of your life loves seafood, maybe sit this one out. Unless, of course, they won’t mind eja kika, panla with crayfish sprinkled on top, and a bottle of Four Cousins.
A power bank
Image source: jaybest
Nothing says “I love you” better than a device that’ll help your partner’s phone stay on and keep them connected to you 24/7. There’s also no light, so we promise you, they’ll really appreciate this one.
Girlies, if your valentine is your long-distance bestie, then we know what you should get them too.
Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:
So, the forces of the universe have united against you and decided you should be lonely at the top on Valentine’s Day? Not the best time to be alone if you ask us. But since an idle hand is satan’s workshop or whatever they say, we have the perfect lineup of activities to help you survive the day.
Draw up a “must visit” list
You know how you make a mental list of all the friends you’ll visit during festive seasons? Do the same for Valentine’s Day. Rank your female besties from “Her boyfriend is rich AF” to “At all at all na im bad pass”, and plan who to visit.
Befriend your bestie’s boyfriend
Think about it. Who knows your besties better than their BFs? You. Who knows all the things they want to see in their Valentine’s Day gift box? Also, you. So, get to work and become their BF’s personal shopping assistant and gifting advisor. Then show up on Val’s Day to retrieve the reward for your hard work.
Set leg
Relationship people will be everywhere in their droves on February 14, and believe us when we say they’ll be annoying AF. Set leg for any couple, just because you can. Who knows? You might just be the one to fall… inside one relationship.
Judge relationship people
Anyone who tells you to go off social media is bad vibes. Where’s the fun in that when you can stay and judge the gifts given, the gifter and the giftee?
Beg your Odogwu
Thanks to your single-pringleness, it won’t get any tender loving care or affection on a day dedicated to love. If it doesn’t take sorry, just beat it.
Go hard on the house chores
If you stay with your parents, when you finish the chores, they’ll bless you with an important prayer point: “God will provide your partner at the right time”. You might not get a lover this year o, but your story will definitely change in 2025.
Go outside and find love
If you’ve decided you absolutely cannot spend February 14 alone, head out as early as 5 a.m. Go to the busiest bus stop in your area, and position yourself by the roadside. Person go toast you before noon, like the babe in this Love Life.
Or just love yourself
Listen, nobody can love you like you love yourself. Stand in front of the mirror and have the sickest house party with the man in the mirror. It might give off strong “This is madness” vibe, but it’s the character development you need to survive relationship shege.
Being the single friend sucks. If you’re not constantly feeling like the third wheel, you’re having to listen to your friend rant about their boo, knowing fully well they’ll never take any advice you give.
Valentine is coming, and if you’re the relationship friend, know that it’ll be the most third-wheel type of day ever for your single friend. But you can help make it better.
Get them a gift
Send them money, finally take their advice or buy them something they need; the gift options are endless. The point is to remind them of your love and make sure they don’t feel left out.
Now’s not the time to match-make them
I know you want the best for them, but talking stages are stressful as hell. So give them a break on Valentine’s Day. They can continue answering what their favourite colour is in March.
Break up with your partner
Hear me out. Nothing screams sacrifice like sacrificing your own relationship so your bestie doesn’t feel alone. At least, then you can spend the day together, discussing how the other gender is scum.
Or just abandon them for a day
You can also just ghost your partner to spend time with your friend on Valentine’s Day. You know how people say, “Every day should be Valentine with the right person”? Well, if they’re Mr/Miss Right, they wouldn’t mind picking any of the other days in the calendar to do Valentine things.
Get them to set their priorities straight
Not every time love matter. Are they keeping to their New Year resolutions? Or have they forgotten them? Those are more important than plastic flowers and Nigerian-made teddy bears, if you ask me. It doesn’t matter that you yourself are doing love things with your own partner. The focus is your friend.
Join them to make fun of other people’s gifts
There’s always more than enough cringe-worthy content on Valentine’s Day and who better to join in judging people than your bestie? They might judge your gifts too, but TBH, someone has to do it. With you being blind from love and all.
Allow them enter your relationship
Don’t you want your bestie to enjoy happiness too? Your partner might still cheat one day. But this way, you get to see and approve who they cheat with.
Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:
Food inflation has shown Nigerians hot shege over the past few months. So, if you plan to visit a restaurant on February 14 with the LOYL, you might want to reconsider that choice. Imagine coughing out ₦87k on one meal, God, abeg.
You’ll spend a lot less if you enter the kitchen, and we know just the right meals to cook.
Red pancakes
Ditch the natural brownish pancake colour for something that speaks to the theme of the day. Exactly, colour RED. If red cake is a thing, who says you cannot serve red pancakes on Valentine’s Day? Find a simple recipe here.
Akara
Most Nigerians would rather buy from the roadside than make this meal in their house because making it is mad stressful. So when you take the trouble upon yourself and serve the LOYL that plate of hot akara, they’ll only think, “You went through all that stress for me?” Find a simple recipe here.
Pounded yam and egusi
Emphasis on “pounded” because no Nigerian meal screams “Labour of love” louder than pounded yam. Think about it, you’ll have to slice the yam, cook it and then pound it afterwards. You also have to make egusi because regular soup can’t work for this special day. Listen, there’s no way they’ll doubt your true love for them after this meal. Find a simple recipe here.
Homemade pizza
Another meal Nigerians love but hardly ever make themselves. So, when you take up the challenge and serve them flaming hot pizza from your own oven, they’ll know you rate them AF. We suggest you start practicing ahead with this straightforward recipe.
Where are our Zikoko Ships now?
Find out how three of our Ships are doing five years later:
Spoiler alert: it’s lovey-dovey
Jollof spaghetti
Pasta is a main character in every Nigerian love story, and restaurants know this. That’s why it’s always on the menu, and ridiculously priced too. So, enter the kitchen and cook the wickedest jollof pasta ever. Remember, we’re sticking to the red theme of the day, so avoid anything creamy, please. Find a simple recipe here.
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Small chops
This one will show them you understand that variety is the spice of a happy relationship. A basket of puff-puff, spring rolls, samosa, gizzard and mosa all home-cooked by you? They will know you have no intention of boring them to death in the relationship. Find a recipe here.
Red Velvet cake
What’s more perfect than treating your boo to a dessert that comes in the colour of the day? Just make sure you do all the baking yourself. That’s the only way they’ll know you went through it just to tease their tastebuds. If you don’t know how to bake, practise with this recipe today.
So, you’ve done some introspection ahead of February 14 and in your heart of hearts, you can’t shake the feeling that tears of ecstasy should be one of the main characters in your Valentine’s Day special for the LOYL. If you ask us, we’ll say it’s doable.
We know just the right things you need to do.
Start by telling him he’ll cry
No, you’ve not taken away the element of surprise. This is the only way to set yourself up for success. Remember, men already see tears as a form of weakness, so the last place they want to do it is mid-coitus. But once you tell him your intentions, there’s a chance he’ll let down his guard. Now, get to work.
Oil up…But with Aboniki
If you’re serious about making a man cry in bed, you have to be willing to take one for the team. In this case, that means enduring the biting hotness of Aboniki balm spread in the crevices of your body parts. There’s no better way to set the mood. By the time you lean into him on the bed, his eyes will be wet from mentholated desire.
Attack his ears
The ear is an erogenous zone. So, you’re going for a mix of touch and truth here. Gently tug at his ear with your mouth, and bite it softly. He’ll be tickled at first, but you’ll get him to relax when you moan and breathe heavily into his ear. When he starts to reach for you and begins to mutter in pre-cum lingo, tell him the day’s dollar to naira rate. He’ll cry, but they’ll be tears of joy because he’d orgasm at that point too.
We interrupt this programme to ask: where are our Zikoko Ships now?
Find out how three of our Ships are doing five years later:
Spoiler alert: it’s lovey-dovey
And the soles of his feet
If the tears don’t come after working on his ear, go for the soles of his feet and put your tongue to work. This one might get a little loud, so you probably want to stuff his mouth with something and throw in a handcuff to restrain his hands. Next up, go crazy on his feet with your tongue. It’s like tickling, it always ends up in tears.
Bite his nipples
Start by twirling your tongue around the edges of his nipple. When you notice the skin taking on a semi-hard form, bite down softly and watch him let out that moan. But to get those tears, bite down as hard as you will a piece of shaki, and follow it up with more tongue twirling. He’ll go into a brief moment of shocked mute, then the tears will follow.
Use teeth
Look, forget people who say you don’t need teeth. If you want to stain your bed sheet with that man’s hot tears, we say teeth is where it’s at. Bite down softly on his odogwu, and just before he lets out a scream of pain, follow it up with the slurpiest glock glock 3000 you can manage. He’ll crumble in a puddle of orgasm-induced tears.
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Get on top
No better way to achieve peak vulnerability than staring deep into each other’s souls mid-mekwe, and realising that there’s no other person you’d have digging your well and cultivating your farmland. This is the only position where this will work. But be warned, you may also shed a tear or two with this one.
Post-nut adulations
In the rare chance that all of the above doesn’t work, read that man a Shakespearean poem or something heartfelt while he’s collecting his consciousness from the throes of pleasure. Hail his odogwu for a job well done, pet it even. And watch his eyes swell with tears of appreciation.
All relationships matter, even the ones that have you wondering if you’re together-together — because you people do relationship things, but they’ve not made it exclusive yet.
They might serve you numerous dishes of confusion, but they still deserve to get a little something for Valentine’s Day.
The hint
They’ve been taking up space in your heart and head for this long. It’s time they made things official, and if they need a little push or the biggest one ever, what are you if not kind and generous?
A new phone
They might want to post you and show you off, but their current cellular device and service provider won’t let them. Take the bull by the horn, and get them a new UK-used phone (you’re not Father Christmas, please) and a new sim card. If they don’t scream their love for you from the top of Oriental Hotel after this, then your case is more serious than we thought.
A watch
A clock could work, too. Just get them any time-telling device so they can see for themselves that they’re wasting your time.
An apple
We didn’t say an Apple device o. Go to the market, and buy them one apple. You’re the apple of their eye and they need to understand it.
Memories
Make a compilation video of all the times you made them laugh and smile, so they’ll see how happy they truly are with you and do the needful quickly.
A photo album
And put in pictures of yourself from when you were born till now. They need to know you’re a spec and if they don’t make their love known, someone else will sweep you off your feet and from their arms.
Dark chocolate
They’ll think you’re being romantic, but in reality, you’ve given them food to boost their brain so they can think wisely and see how you’re the only one for them.
Forget waxing lyrical in love letters, if you want your sweet and sappy words to send butterflies into the tummy of the LOYL, rom-com speak is where it’s at.
That’s why we combed through the most popular ones for rom-com quotes that’ll have your Valentine weak in the knees. The lines are obviously tested and trusted.
“I burn for you” Daphne, Bridgerton
It’s a simple, straight to the point confession that you’re willing to walk through hellfire for them.
“You’re perfect. Everything about you is perfect” — Isoken, Isoken
If you’re a person of few words, this line packs a punch. Simple, you only have eyes for them in this lifetime and the one beyond.
“Your love is like the wind. I can’t see it but I can feel it.” — Lola, A Million Tears
With this, they’ll know that after God, you’re the only one capable of giving them agape love.
Behold our Valentine Special. We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. This is the first episode
“I’ve come here with no expectations, only to profess now that I am at liberty to do so, that my heart is, and always will be, yours.” — Mr Darcy, Pride and Prejudice
They shouldn’t have to be in doubt that your heart 100% belongs to them. This quote is just about showing proof.
“I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope and every dream I’ve ever had.” — Noah, The Notebook
In other words, there’s no you without them.
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“I would rather have had one breath of your hair, one kiss from your mouth, one touch of your hand, than eternity without it.” — Nicholas Cage, City of Angels
Another message that tells them life is a vast ocean of nothingness if you’re not the one setting their soul on fire.
“I’ll never let go, Jack. I’ll never let go.” — Rose, Titanic
Replace Jack with their name, and this message tells them that there’s no principality or weapon fashioned against y’all’s relationship that’ll prosper.
“I’m not a tree; I’m a forest.” — Aminu, The Men’s Club
This is a reminder that you have an endless supply of yourself to give to them.
“You jump, I jump.” — Rose, Titanic
You go where they go. Even to the afterlife…
“When you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want that moment to start as soon as possible.” — Harry, When Harry Met Sally
It’s the perfect message to send when you suddenly realise they’re the missing puzzle in your life.
Are you single due to no fault of your own (village people) or due to a fault of your own (madness, bad behaviour, selfishness, gaslighting, girl bossing, gatekeeping, inability to be someone’s peace, inability to piss one place make e foam — i.e. cheating) and will therefore spend this Valentine’s day alone snarling at couples in real life and online out of intense levels of jealousy unseen since Cain killed Abel?
If your answer to all that was yes, here are five ways to change your miserable fate.
Go to therapy.
The reason you’ve been unable to get anyone to love you could be because you have issues that can only be solved with the help of a mental health professional. Use the 14 days you have left between the time this article is being written and Valentine’s Day to find a therapist (or two, depending on the severity of your issues) and get to work. You don’t have time to ease into it, so you should be ready to vomit all your trauma onto that therapist’s floor during your first session.
If you’re lucky, someone will notice that you’ve changed and pick — you, choose you, love — you to do “my view, their view” with this year.
Try church.
Churches are full of people trying to better themselves, so you’ll fit right in. Just be sure not to drop the problems you showed up with and leave with someone else’s. For example, say you’re there to shake off the spiritual spouse you didn’t know tethered itself to you the time you gave your celebrity crush gluck-gluck sloppy-toppy 3000 in a dream. Don’t leave there with another demon that has no interest in you or your genitals and just wants to cause chaos.
It’s time to shine your spiritual eye.
Do juju.
Don’t make that face, ok? Deep down, you always knew it would come to this. You’re gonna find a way to get a lock of hair from your crush and take it to a Babalawo so they can jazz the person into liking you back. Contrary to popular belief, Babalawos are no longer hard to find. Hell, half the time, they’ll do the hard work by seeking you out.
Hijack someone’s proposal.
People have gotten engaged so much since November last year that I wondered if the rapture was coming and single people would be left behind. My point is that it shouldn’t be hard to find a proposal taking place. Find one, threaten one of them at gunpoint to leave and never return. Then take their place. Simple. Use the gun to get the other person to stay with you until Valentine’s Day.
Join a throuple.
If using violence or juju isn’t your thing, find a relationship that’s already in full gear and convince them to take you in by reciting Nicki Minaj’s second verse in the song Hey Mama. If it’s good enough for the white gays, it’s good enough for you.
Contrary to what the internet will have you believe, you don’t have to break the bank before you can afford intentional and thoughtful gifts. We’ll help you figure out some ideas for the categories of people in your life.
Nine-to-fiver
If the recipient is a guy with a 9-5 corporate shirts, ties, shoes, belts, cufflinks, socks will do. For babes, work clothes, a pair of cute slippers, notepads or journals are intentional gifts. Every time they wear and use these things, they’ll think of you.
What a belt!
Content creator
If they create content, buy them studio props and decors and book an aesthetic studio for them to shoot their content.
You can also consider giving them a gimbal, phone vlog video kit, ring light, lapel mic, tripod, drone and 99 other equipment options.
Additionally, paying the subscriptions for the work apps they use like CapCut, PremierePro, Da Vinci Resolve e.t.c. is such an intentional move.
Entrepreneur
If you’re looking to excite an entrepreneur with gifts, acquire a business registration form from CAC to surprise them (if they don’t have it). You can also make their business logo, fliers, business card or pay for their business merch. Branding and sponsored ads are great gifts that’ll boost their business too. They’ll love it.
Reader
A Kindle book is to a reader what a laptop is to a tech-bro. It’s a wireless, electronic reading device with access to more than three million books. As the saying goes, a reader is a leader. Invest in making your loved one a better leader today.
Gym rat
Get them gym wear, running shoes, dumbbells, etc. For more privacy, set up a home gym. Now they can work out any time they like.
Additionally, leave a 12-month down payment at their favourite fruits store or seller to cover their fruit supplies. Do this and you and their smoothie will be their favourites.
Valentine’s Day is a few weeks away, and if you’re conflicted about the gifts that’ll have the recipient grinning from mouth to ear, we’ve got you covered. You won’t find a more comprehensive list.
Valentine’s Day Gifts for Men
Men can act like they don’t care, but trust us when we say these gift ideas for men will answer their many “God when?” questions.
An underwear set
Forget all the bashing on social media, men appreciate underwear. Just go the extra mile by getting the best quality and designer brands.
Hard currency
With a dollar selling for ₦1500 at the parallel market? See, that man will love you forever. You just made offsetting some of his bills easier.
Cook-a-storm
There’s something they say about men and the way to their hearts. If Hilda Baci cooked for 100 hours, double the number up and fill his refrigerator with all sorts of local and intercontinental delicacies.
A spa appointment
Nigerian men are seeing shege seven days of the week in Tinubu’s era. A fully paid spa session will show him how thoughtful you are.
A customized jersey
If he loves football, the only other way to his heart apart from food might be his club’s original jersey that comes with his name on it.
Valentine’s Day Gifts for Women
If you don’t know, Nigerian women are tired of plastic flowers and all the other low-effort gifts that show zero intentionality. Consider these Valentine’s gift ideas for women in Tinubu’s Nigeria and the flames of their love will burn hotter than an agbado grill.
A pasta date
Nigerian women love their pasta. Whether it’s creamy, bolognese, stir fry or village, just make sure pasta is on the restaurant menu as you plan to make that dinner reservation for two.
Hair
Nigerian women are tired of the long hours required at hair salons, hence the love for wigs. So, add another quality wig to her collection; she can never have too much of it.
A romantic getaway
Your woman deserves to see the world and who best to make it happen? It doesn’t even have to be Santorini or The Maldives, she’ll take a trip to Benin Republic or Ghana, as long as it’s well thought out.
Jewellery
When you think of jewellery as an investment option for your woman, you’ll be open to spending millions on their collection. And she’ll appreciate you for giving her a safety net. For starters, consider VanCleef.
A year’s worth supply of sanitary pad
Sanitary pads have joined the inflation race. For an essential need that needs to be replaced every month, you’ll be taking a huge burden off her finances.
Valentine’s Day Gift for Friends
We’ve already established that Valentine’s Day isn’t just about couples. Your platonic relationships should also enjoy some attention and there’s no better way than surprising your friends with a Valentine’s Day gift. If you’re conflicted on what to buy, these suggestions should get you started.
A photoshoot session
We need to normalize friends hitting the studio for professionally shot portraits. Not every time couples and birthday celebrants. Friends have memories that must be preserved too.
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A personalised hamper
Hampers don’t have to go out during the Christmas season alone. Curate a personalised hamper and include items that show you know your friends better than the lines on your palm.
Or a personalised photobook
After your family members and lover, you most likely have the most shared memories with your friends. Show them just how much these moments mean to you by documenting them in a photobook. They might cringe at first, but don’t worry, it’ll be one of those things they’ll cling to when japa comes between y’all.
A weekend getaway
A day or two to do batshit crazy things with friends? Yes, please. Tell them to pack their bags and join you in a short-let apartment you’ve paid for. It doesn’t necessarily have to happen on Valentine’s Day, especially if it falls on a work day. You could push for the weekend right after.
Valentine’s Day Gift for Family
So you want to make it an extra special celebration of love by including your family members? So sweet. Consider these Valentine’s Day gift ideas.
A family portrait
If y’all don’t already have one, now’s the perfect time to drag everybody to a studio. By everybody we mean the grandparents, the parents, siblings, grandkids and great-grandkids. Send a personal framed copy to all the adults on Valentine’s Day.
Family house makeover
If you and your siblings have moved out of your parent’s home, that place becomes your family house. Surprise your parents and siblings by giving the house a proper makeover that’ll make it a cute spot for when y’all are around.
Or a land to build one
Especially if your parents stay in a rented apartment. Join hands with your siblings and make it the family project that tightens the bond between y’all.
Personalised gift box
Imagine the joy you’ll spark in each of your family members when a dispatch rider calls them on Valentine’s Day to deliver the special box from you. You can go the extra mile by including a handwritten note in each box.
It’s a few weeks to Valentine’s Day and while the relationship people are prepping to steal the show again, it’s important to note that we’ve got fathers and sons, brothers and buddies, and a whole squad of men who deserve to celebrate their bromance on this day too.
I caught up with seven Nigerian men to hear their thoughts on being there for their fellow dudes on the iconic lovers’ day.
From the big bro who paid for his sibling’s cinema date to the dude planning to send an anonymous box to his heartbroken cousin, their stories will have you in varying degrees of “God when?”
Dewunmi *, 31
My elder brother would always buy gifts for my mum on Valentine’s Day. Started right when we were in secondary school. He’d save up his pocket money during the weeks leading up to the 14th. It was really cute. Fast forward to when he got into uni and got more pocket money, he started including me in his plans. He’d buy chocolates, perfumes or food for me and my mum on Valentine’s Day. It went on for some time until it just stopped. I mean, he still buys stuff for both of us, but he doesn’t put as much importance on Valentine’s Day anymore.
Jason*, 25
My cousin just got served breakfast, and I know he’s hurting even though he’s trying not to show it. He’d been with his ex for about three years, and I honestly thought he’d propose soon, but I guess life happens. I’ve watched him celebrate Valentine’s with her in the last three years, so I’ve just been wondering what the day will look like this year. Thankfully, it’s a work day and that might help him get his mind off things, but I also want to do something nice for him. I’m thinking dinner at one of these fancy spots on the Island, or I might just send him an anonymous gift box with a hidden love letter. LMAO.
Hassan*, 24
I have a WhatsApp group just to keep in touch with some of my friends and be there for each other. We’ve had a lot of wholesome conversations about toxic masculinity and how we should be able to do more for each other as bros. Last Valentine’s, we did a simple exercise in the group where we all sent voice notes saying nice things about each other. We plan to hang out this year sha, but if that’s not possible, we’ll send each other gifts.
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Deji*, 29
Our last born started dating in January 2023. Since then, I’ve always thought to myself “Where this boy dey see money to fund relationship?” But I assumed his girlfriend understood his finances before saying yes. A few weeks to Valentine’s in 2023, I noticed little man was constantly in a mood around the house. He was also coming up with the weirdest money requests for things he had to pay for in school. It didn’t take long to figure out that he was trying to fleece us. So, I confronted him and gave him a pep talk before asking what he needed money for. He then said he wanted to do something for his GF for Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t like I didn’t know; I just wanted him to be free enough to ask. Two days to Val’s Day, I sent him ₦15k for a cinema date. I’m guessing he’s saved up enough for this year, but I still plan to send ₦15k. He doesn’t know this sha.
Tunde*, 40
My birthday is February 14, and it has added some colour to how I approach the date. Growing up, I didn’t make a fuss about my birthday. I was the kid who wanted to stay indoors and enjoy all the good treats with my family. This changed when I got into uni. My friends found it a little too exciting that my birthday falls on Valentine’s Day, so they always made me do something. Even when I tell them I don’t have money, they’d readily contribute and make sure we celebrate. So the tradition sort of stayed with me from uni. Now, my friends know that if every other thing fails on February 14, they can always show up for whatever Tunde* is doing for his birthday. And that’s the main reason why I now anticipate the day. Lots of brotherly love to go around.
Dapo*, 30
My dad celebrates me and my brothers every Valentine’s Day. It’s one of those things he does that makes me want to be a great dad too. I remember him taking my mum, my siblings and me out every Valentine’s Day when we were young. When it fell on a weekday, we missed school. It took me a while to stop seeing February 14 as another public holiday. Now that we’re all older, and some of my siblings are married, we don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day as a family anymore. But one thing I know we’ll always get every February 14th is a text message from my dad saying how much he loves us.
Jerry*, 25
I moved in with my uncle after he lost his wife last year. His kids are abroad, so it’s only him in the house most of the time. I always get the sense that he feels lonely, especially during festive periods. He’s not the type that goes out a lot; he just stays in his study, reading books and newspapers. I wish I could take him out on Val’s Day, but it’s a work day and I’m not sure I’ll have the time. I’ll probably buy something nice for him. Would be nice for him to know someone cares.
Vendors have started to fill social media with their curated gift boxes, and that’s all the sign you need to know Valentine’s Day is around the corner.
We can debate why the death of one prehistoric saint means we have to finish all our money later. Today, let’s discuss how to draw the line between being a stingy lover and spending too much money as a 9-5er in Tinubu’s Nigeria. We got seven 9-5ers to weigh in.
Look at your salary
When you’re in love, you naturally want to go all out to put a smile on the face of your partner. But as a salary earner, that salary is supposed to take you till the next salary day. So, before you order that gift box, calculate how much you can comfortably spend without resorting to begging for food or trekking to work for the rest of the month. Then add a little extra for emergency expenses.
— Enoch, 29
Make a budget and compare it to your usual expenses
You should have a monthly budget, or something to track your expenses so you know how much you typically spend in a month.
Make a budget for that Valentine’s gift and then compare it to what you’d usually spend in a month. If it’s more than 70% higher than your normal monthly budget, consider revising your plan for something less expensive, preferably within 30% – 50%, depending on how generous you plan to be.
— Mariam, 32
Leave some wiggle room for inflation
A good perfume that cost ₦10k in 2023 might cost ₦15k now. It’s not you. It’s Nigeria. So even if you have a budget, keep in mind that you might end up spending a little extra. But try not to completely veer off your budget.
— Kevwe, 22
Plan early
Things become more expensive by the minute these days, and gifts tend to become even costlier around Valentine’s Day. It’s salary week, so it won’t hurt to start planning and making your purchases now.
— Omoh, 25
Are there cheaper alternatives?
Let’s assume you want to buy your babe a fake Van Cleef bracelet for ₦10k. Why not go to Yaba and buy the same bracelet for ₦5k? Both of them are fake, anyway.
Considering cheaper alternatives is like killing two birds with one stone. You create a memory and spend less while at it. Plus, cheap doesn’t mean tacky, so package it well.
— Charles, 36
Is the person even worth it?
Ask yourself: Am I and this person dating exclusively? Do they see me as a talking stage? Will the person even match my energy?
For me, how much I spend depends on how important the person is to me.
— Bayo, 26
Get creative with your gifting
Roses are great, but is it roses I will eat? Instead of spending ₦50k on that, consider creative practical gifts like food or fuel. The person might appreciate it more, and you’ll spend less. You can also gift joint experiences like an outdoor picnic, rather than dinner at an overpriced restaurant.
It might still be January, but these men have already set plans in motion to make Valentine’s Day special for their loved ones and significant others.
Demola*, 40
I’m not seeing anyone, so it’ll be my first Valentine’s Day single in a long while. But I’m excited because it’s my mum’s birthday. My siblings and I are planning a surprise. We’re very intentional about the party because we want it to be as memorable as it possibly can for her. We’ve reached out to some of her high school and uni mates, and she has no idea. We also have this cute photo wall with pictures from her childhood that we plan to install. I know I’m going to shed sweet tears on that day sha.
Biodun*, 45
My wife and I have not celebrated Valentine’s Day in a long time, with the pressure from work and raising the kids. It’s generally not easy to carve out time for ourselves. But this year, I want my wife to feel like the days when we started dating. We always made such a big deal of Val’s Day then. We’d wear similar outfits, go out with friends and go hard on gifts. Since our kids are old enough to stay with their grandparents now, we’ll spend two days at a nice hotel on the island. Just the two of us. I plan to drive her from work down to the place. She won’t suspect a thing until that day.
Toba* 33
I know I’ll want to do something that involves being at home. Might just order our favourite pizza and drinks, and chill in our living room. I’m still thinking the whole thing through, but I know food must be involved.
Gbotemi*, 31
I don’t have any ghen ghen thing planned. I want to write a handwritten love letter and put it in her bag. I used to write love letters to her when we started dating and we were both students. I even continued while I was serving. I’d visit her in school and write a love letter that she’d wake up to find in random places like her purse and phone cover. Capitalism has kinda taken that away from us. But I’ll return to the roots this Valentine.”
Ife*, 29
Our relationship is in a complicated place right now, and I’m the problem. Valentine’s Day is a working day this year, but I intend to get her a gown. I saw it on my timeline a while ago and made a mental note to buy it for her. I’ve got more exciting plans cooked up at the office too.
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Michael*, late 20s
My girlfriend and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. Before you judge, it’s not because we don’t care for each other but because it’s a few weeks between both our birthdays. Hers is February 2nd, and mine is March 2nd, so we focus on our birthdays instead. I try to get her gifts that she’s asked for in the past. Preferably, a request she’s almost forgotten. Last year, I got an artist to make an illustration of her as a waterbender. She’d told me she’d like something like that about two years before. I’ve not concluded on what I’ll get this year, but I’m thinking of a written note and a big teddy bear. She’d mentioned wanting one a few months ago, and I teased her about it. I think it’ll be nice to see her reaction when I give it to her.”
Hassan*, 29
Me and my babe have built a culture around Valentine’s Day. Instead of an all-out celebration, we choose to see it as a reminder of how far we’ve come. We’ve had some issues lately, and even though we’ve talked and trashed things out, she still thinks I’m harbouring resentment against her because she was at fault. For Val’s Day, I want to plan a simple dinner as a reminder of our love, whether or not we are on good terms.
Ayomide*, Early 30s
It’s our first Valentine’s Day celebration as a couple, so I’m considering a special dinner date. Also, her phone has been bad for the longest time, so I’m trying to get her a new phone ahead of the day. I’m caught between an iPhone and a high-end Google Pixel phone, but the exchange rates have made things pricey. I don’t know if I can pull it off. Her birthday is in March, so there’s also that to think about.
It’s finally salary week! If you count a few more days, you’ll land right on February 14, AKA Valentine’s Day. While a fancy dinner, romantic getaway and customised gift box may seem like well thought-out ideas, we can’t say they reflect the pressing needs of the average Nigerian at the moment.
Everywhere choke, and people are going through it. But these items might make life a little easier for the people you hold dear.
Rice
Rice is the most consumed staple in Nigerian households, so you know there’s a problem when a paint bucket sells for as high as ₦6000. The LOYL may not ask for it, but they’ll appreciate a bag of rice better than that customised mug you’re discussing with a printer right now.
Fuel
Everyone with a car or generator has been going through it since Tinubu yanked off fuel subsidy. Your loved ones could use that 25 litres of fuel or you can just offer to fill up their tank.
Medical supplies
Drug prices have joined the inflation race, and prices have shot up since the exit of pharmaceutical giants like GlaxoSmithKline. If you’ve got loved ones on life-long medications, chances are they can use some help offsetting their bills right now.
Dollars
In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, you can present the dollar bills as a money cake or rolled up in a gift box. Either way, you’ll be making the person smile to the bank, and every Nigerian can use that right now.
A grocery gift card
Food items are also in the inflation race. Everything has doubled in price, and there’s no guarantee you’ll meet the same price at your next grocery run. So, do you see why the LOYL will appreciate a gift card to stock up on supplies?
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A CV revamp for international gigs
If your partner isn’t complaining about being underpaid by a Nigerian employer, you probably know a friend or relative who is. Now how can you come through for them with thoughtful Valentine’s Day gifts? Pay for a CV revamp that’ll land them dollar-paying international gigs.
Rechargeable fans
A heatwave is depriving people of quality sleep right now. Even if your loved ones aren’t saying it to you, they’re tired of using dusting powder. Unfortunately, it’s not the best time to purchase electronic appliances in Nigeria thanks to inflation. Come through for your people with that rechargeable fan.
These ones will act like they don’t rate February 14th. But in reality, they’re either just single or broke.
The ones with multiple admirers
These ones enjoyed the day to the fullest as they were receiving gifts from different people and scheduling multiple dates. Their only headache was how to handle going out with different people on the same day.
The ones in a relationship with food
They’ll tell you that food can’t break anyone’s heart, but they’re only consoling themselves with food because they haven’t found love yet.
People who gifted themselves and then acted surprised
These are LadiPoe’s people – “Throw myself a party and then act surprised”. Who were they deceiving? Last last, it’s still self-love anyway, and it’s not a bad thing at all.
The people who wrote cute letters
These folks made beautifully written letters for the people they love and sent those letters to them with a can of Malta Guinness to stomach all that goodness. These people deserve an award for being the best in thoughtfulness.
The smart ones who seized the chance to enjoy a Malta Guinness-powered Date Night
These people had the most fun on Valentine’s day, hands down. Malta Guinness treated them to a lovely four-course dinner for valentine’s day and people had a lovely time with food, laughter, and the company of the people they love.
The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different Nigerian cities.
From a student’s first Valentine with his girlfriend to the long-distance married couple and the writer receiving gifts from three different partners, this special #LoveCurrency edition explores the cost of Valentine’s Day for Nigerians in different types of relationships.
Product designer living in Lagos on a ₦400k salary
How did you meet your boyfriend?
We were in our third year working on a group project, and he asked to get a recording I’d made during the class. I was in a relationship at the time, and he was breaking off his relationship. By our final year, we’d become close friends who talked and hung out. Since we were both single, we started dating in 2018.
How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Between our busy schedules and Lagos traffic, we spend most Valentine’s Days at home. I don’t even remember it’s a special day, but sometimes, he buys me gifts.
Do you have a memorable one?
In 2021, we had a car movie date. We usually do this once a month, so for February, we used Valentine’s Day. We went to Ikeja City Mall to buy snacks, chose the two to three movies we’d see in sequence and set up his laptop in the car outside his house, while we snuggled up in the backseat.
He also got me a ring light and make-up — foundation, lip gloss, powder and eyeshadow pallet, all Maybelline products — because he knew I’d been saving their posts on IG.
Did you get him anything?
I sent a small chops tray to his office with a note asking him to be my Valentine. I also got him these Chelsea boots I saw he’d bookmarked on his Twitter. Everything cost about ₦35 – 40k.
How much were you making at the time?
I worked as an account manager, and my monthly income was between ₦150 – 250k, commissions included.
University student schooling in Kaduna on a ₦25k+ income
How did you meet your girlfriend?
Our parents knew each other, and we attended the same church. I always thought she was pretty, but I didn’t know how to approach her. Towards the end of 2018, I sent her a friend request on Facebook. We didn’t start chatting until April 2019.
In the three months that followed, we texted and talked over the phone a lot. I could tell she liked me as much as I liked her, so I asked her out in August, and she said yes.
Tell me about your most memorable Valentine’s Day with her
We’ve never really celebrated Valentine. I get her gifts, but because we were in different boarding houses when we were in secondary school, we didn’t see each other till the holidays.
What gifts have you gotten her over the years?
In 2021, I got her a bracelet, rings, perfume and necklace set for about ₦5k. In 2022, I got her four teddy bears — one big one and three small ones. They cost about ₦10k in total. This will be our first Valentine together physically. We’ve both graduated from secondary school, so I’m hoping this year is really special. I got her a Valentine package with flowers, cake, wine, card, bracelet and a customised mug. It cost ₦25k. I’m also planning to take her on a date.
How can you afford gifts?
I work at my mum’s farm, and she pays me ₦1- 2k per day, but it’s not consistent. I also trade forex and give my friend money to place bets for me. He enjoys betting, and he’s good at it. Last week, I gave him ₦20k; he won ₦46k, which is what I’m spending on this Valentine.
Writer living in Osun State on a ₦200k salary
How did you meet your partner?
I met my main partner on Twitter in January 2020. We were both in relationships then, but we spent a lot of time talking to each other. So we got together in July 2020, when our relationships ended.
I met my second partner in November 2021, at a university party, and we hit it off. We weren’t in a defined relationship, but we were together. I met someone else on social media, sometime around December. I had a work event, and I had to reach out to her about it. After the event, we stayed in contact. We didn’t date but we liked each other.
How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day with them?
In 2022, I told them I didn’t want to celebrate it, but I got a charger for my third partner because she’d been saying she needed one. That cost about ₦8500. My first partner got me a really cute dress, the second one got me lunch of about ₦7 – 9k, and my third partner gave me a foot and back massage and we also got ice cream for about ₦5k.
God, when? What are your plans for this Valentine?
I’m actually single for the first time in a while. So, I’ll just spend the day working and watching movies with my ex.
Ex?
The first partner. We broke up some months ago but we’re still pretty close, so why not?
Content creator living in Lagos on a ₦250k salary
How did you meet your partner?
We met at a friend’s beach party in October 2021 and exchanged IG handles and followed each other. But we didn’t really talk till January 2022 when he replied to a story I posted about taking 17 shots. By January 22nd, he asked me out on a date. We went to Rufus and Bees some days after, and from there, we started going out.
When did it become official?
February 27th. The plan was to spend the weekend at a hotel in Ikeja, so we stopped to buy food — he got me my favourite cheesecake. And when we got to the hotel, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
So this is your first Valentine together?
Sort of. Even though we weren’t dating till a week after Valentine, we still exchanged gifts. He got me a romper — I love rompers. I got him a wallet, two-piece co-ord and a man purse, all for about ₦30k. This time, we agreed not to do too much because our anniversary is in two week’s time. My budget for that is about ₦50k. I want to get him one of those gift boxes with shoes in them. But for Valentine’s Day, I got him brownies and a pair of sneakers, which cost about ₦23k. I don’t know what his plans are, but I already got my first gift from him on Sunday — a pair of sneakers.
Executive and HR assistant on a ₦150k salary
How did you meet your partner?
On my birthday in November 2015, a friend of mine posted my picture on BBM. He saw it and fell in love.
FR?
LOL, just kidding. He asked for my BBM pin and we started talking. I wasn’t looking for anything serious because I’d just gotten out of a relationship while he was dealing with an ex. But during one of our midnight calls in March 2016, I asked the “What are we?” question and we agreed it made sense to make it official since everyone already thought we were dating.
And what were you?
A long-distance couple. We were schooling in different universities and even when we were both back to Lagos, he lives in Surulere, while I live in Ibeju-Lekki. But it was still better than him abandoning me in the trenches. In 2018, he went to Canada for his master’s degree.
That’s a heck of a distance
It was. We were barely speaking. Between school, work and the time difference, there was no time When we did speak, it couldn’t be for long. We started to have arguments and eventually, I told him he had to make me a priority too. Communication started to improve after that.
When he finished his master’s, he had more time.
Good
Our relationship took a new turn once he got back. He returned in October 2019 for his sister’s wedding, and visited my dad to introduce himself. I realised he was serious about me.
But when he asked me to marry him in March 2021, I was both scared, nervous and excited. I knew I wanted to marry him, but I just didn’t think I’d get married at 24.
Valid concern
My plan had been to go to Canada for masters, but then it kept taking time because the money wasn’t forthcoming. His plan was for us to get married so he could start processing my spousal visa. So he came back to Nigeria in December 2021 for the wedding.
How do you celebrate special occasions?
He usually sends money, anything between ₦100 – 200k. But for Valentine in 2022, he sent money to my friend and they got food from my favourite restaurant, chocolates, and drinks.
Do you gift him?
I buy him things I think he likes — clothes and jewellery, and either wait till he comes or send it through someone travelling to Canada. Last time I sent a gift was in September 2022. Everything I got was about ₦50k.
Do you have plans for this Valentine?
We honestly don’t go crazy for Valentine. I’m going to work, then coming back home to sleep. I’ve gotten him some t-shirts that cost about ₦20k, but I’ll add some things to them as time goes on.
Media executive living in the UK
How did you meet your partner?
We met on Twitter in November 2018. I asked people what they wanted before the end of the year and he said a date with me. He slid into my DM and we fixed a date but then I didn’t hear from him till weeks later. He apologised and said he was busy with work and wanted us to reschedule.
Did you?
The next time we met was at a mutual friend’s dinner, a few months later. After the dinner, we started talking more on Twitter and hanging out after work. We bonded over Game of Thrones and pedicures. We also had a lot of common beliefs and by lockdown, we were already dating and spent a lot of time together.
When did you start talking about money?
During lockdown, when we were staying together, we used to pull our finances together to buy things.
How do you celebrate special occasions?
We buy gifts for each other regularly, and the more we grow, the more money we have and the higher the quality of gifts. For Valentine in 2021, he got me wine, chocolate and flowers. While in 2022, he got me a camera.
What are your plans for this year?
I got him some gifts. Nike gear, sneakers, loungewear, a backpack, body massager and some other things. They cost about £500. I don’t know what he got me, but he said he spent £1k. We’re going to see a movie on Friday night and a mani-pedi date on Saturday, but for Valentine’s Day itself, we’d probably just sit home and drink wine.
If you’re interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship, this is a good place to start.
The reason why you don’t have a Valentine is because you spend all your time at work, and your social life is in the mud. It doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the festivities, though. Ever thought about making your boss your Valentine? These eight gift ideas are totally appropriate — or not.
Ask them to hold on to your salary
But specify that it’s just your February salary o. You don’t want them thinking you want to start working for the “passion”.
Your life
What says employee loyalty like actually giving your life for your boss? You can even add your blood as bonus, since they’re always asking for it.
Actually do your work
A whole day when you actually do your work without getting lost in TikToks or Twitter? That’s a very valuable gift if you ask me.
A mug
Personalise it so they know how you really feel about them. They’d love it, trust me.
Before you go, “How is this a gift?” hear me out. You already plan to quit via email, so why not do it with a cake on Valentine’s Day? That way, they won’t cry on an empty stomach.
Praise them on LinkedIn
Because saying sweet things about your company or boss on LinkedIn is the corporate version of love letters.
Propose to them
Chances are you’ve already fallen in love with them. Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to take it a notch higher. Ask them to marry you. It’s either they say yes or they fire you. At least, you have a 50% chance of success.
Our ears are assaulted with love songs all year long. But then, on Valentine’s Day, the airwaves reach insulting heights. So, here’s a playlist dedicated to people like you and me, who are dedicated to living our best lives as haters on valentine’s day.
These are the songs you want to hear on February 14th if you can neither be with the one you love nor love the one you’re with.
1. Still Your Best — Giveon
Giveon is 5’8 and an unrepentant cheat who acts like the victim in all his songs. Always singing up and down like he’s a good person. You need that energy on the 14th.
2. Marvins Room — Drake
“Fuck that n**ga that you love so much,”is peak hater energy. Listen to this song while looking at pictures of your ex or the person you’re hating on, on February 14th. Don’t listen to the end sha, Drake got carried away at some point. Smh.
3. Gravity — Brent Faiyaz
I’m convinced there’s a Yoruba man in Brent Faiyaz. What does, “I don’t want you waiting too long, it’s too much to be your boyfriend,”even mean?
4. I Hate U — SZA
Very self-explanatory. You hate them, simple and short.
5. Don’t call me — Lil Kesh x Zinoleesky
“I’m so gee’d up my bro I’m sorry. If it’s not money don’t call me,” because love is obviously none of your business. You’re not being a hater sha, you’re prioritizing.
6. Crazy Tings — Tems
Love is obviously a crazy thing and people shouldn’t be doing it. Anyone who’s wasting time with love is obviously not normal.
7. Smokin Out The Window — Silk Sonic
Even if you’ve not paid a former lover’s rent or busted your ass to save their life, you’ve probably done enough for them to feel like passing out anytime you remember the things you once did. This song’s for you.
8. Heartbreaker — Blaqbonez
You can also moonlight as a toxic person while being a hater. Dip into your Blaqbonez energy and pick sex over love.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCYCWpjZyZQ
9. LEAVE ME ALONE — Amaarae
As you can see from the title, Amaarae is already shouting at you to leave her alone and that’s the same energy you’re going for on Valentine’s day.
10. Your own thoughts and feelings
Sit with your thoughts and ask yourself why you even let yourself catch feelings in the past. Why didn’t you just sit Sit with your thoughts and ask yourself why you even let yourself catch feelings in the past. Why didn’t you just sit down and eat your food? Another option is to think of creative ways to give lovers the middle finger. Think about it over and over till you come up with an album Drake would be proud of.
It’s less than a week until Valentine’s Day and dispatch riders are already shaking in anticipation of the stress they’ll face carrying flowers all over the place. With all the lovers scrambling through their PiggyVest looking for money to celebrate the day a lot of babies will be made, we decided to help in our little way with music suggestions to set the mood. But there’s a twist. This time, we’re looking at some of the best love song covers made by Nigerian artists.
Let’s get into it.
1. Hello — Omawunmi (Originally by Adele)
Remember when Adele dropped this song in 2015 and we all thought the world would end? Everyone we knew was out in the streets shouting, not singing (there’s a difference), “Hello from the other siiideeee”. While most of us were trying and failing shamelessly to hit Adele’s notes, Omawunmi came out of nowhere to remind us that she’s a badass vocalist. Her cover of the song was made even better by the addition of some reggae elements. It was an actual bop..
2. Please Forgive Me — Johnny Drille (Originally by Bryan Adams)
You know how you follow an artist for a long time, patiently waiting for the rest of the world to catch up to their insane talent? This has been our relationship with Johnny Drille. While his album Before We Fall Asleep has enough love songs to turn even the most anti-valentine spirit into a believer, his cover of Bryan Adams’ haunting and deeply sad Please Forgive Me is another song that deserves a spot on your love playlist.
3. Thinking Out Loud — Funbi (Originally by Ed Sheeran)
There’s a high chance that Ed Sheeran consulted with a babalawo before making this song because there’s no logical reason as to why it still slaps as it does after all these years. While we love Oluwasheeran’s version, there’s something about Funbi’s cover and his voice that just makes us swoon. Maybe it’s the Yoruba demon factor or just the fact that we want him to serenade (If you get it, you get it) us with this song. Either way, Funbi’s cover of Thinking Out Loud is an elite tune.
4. Sade — Adekunle Gold (Originally by One Direction)
Yes, we know it’s not an actual cover but that won’t stop us from adding it to this list? It’s pretty wild that a lot of Nigerians would probably listen to One Direction’s Story Of My Life today and start scratching their heads at how familiar it sounds. Why? Well, years ago, before Adekunle Gold became AG Baby, he recorded an afrobeat version of the One Direction song, changed the lyrics, but maintained the melody. Now that One Direction is no more, the chances of AG Baby performing this song with them are next to none and that is upsetting us and our homegirls.
5. Shape Of You — Waje (Originally by Ed Sheeran)
Another Ed Sheeran song, another cover by a badass Nigerian vocalist. Waje doesn’t play when it comes to this singing thing, and we know this. Taking everyone by surprise at the time, Waje dropped a cover of Ed Sheeran’s Shape Of You and honestly, it had us ready to declare our love and receive the airing of our lives. If you haven’t listened to this cover, then, omo, something is wrong.
We’re getting closer to Valentine’s Day and as usual, we’re here with the perfect gift ideas for your partners. Today, the focus is on Igbo men. So if you’re in a relationship or crushing on one Igbo man down the road, this article is for you. You’re welcome.
1. Wickedness
Nice girls never win the war sis. Men deserve wickedness everyday and Igbo men deserve even more because they’re always so extra. But Igbo men kuku love problem. Once you show them small wickedness like this, they’ll pack all their money and give to you.
2. Handcuffs and whips
Every Igbo man wants a powerful woman beside him. After all, who’s going to take charge of all the money he’s gathering? Show him you’re a dominant queen that can command his kingdom. Throw in a little “Daaaddy” in bed while and you’ll get the keys to his kingdom.
3. Proper singlets
Men claim that they’re always receiving singlets, but Igbo men have constantly proven that we’re not doing enough. We will keep gifting singlets until they throw away this rubbish.
4. Abacha and Okpa
They say a way to a man’s heart is food. For an Igbo man — especially if he’s from Enugu — it’s abacha and okpa that will do the trick.
5. Palmwine
Get him drunk enough to rob him of his millions. If he’s too broke, still get him drunk enough for a good night. From him who has not, even what he has will be taken away. Yes, it’s written in the Bible.
6. Kolanut
While an Igbo man secretly wants to be dominated in the bedroom, he also wants his ego to be massaged. Kolanut is a symbol of respect in the Igbo land. Serve him in a calabash and kneel down in front of him on Valentine’s day. Show him you’re a queen that can whip him into submission while submitting to him as well.
7. Container
Igbo men are always claiming to have containers that are about to land, so why not get him a shipping container? Show him you’re as committed to his growth while you balance it with wickedness.
Put these seven items in a gift box and take it to him tonight. Come and beat me if you’re not in Dubai by the 14th sis.
With the end of January comes the dreaded “Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner” storm for the next two weeks. Why is love so stressful now? The tension from sliding into DMs, the unending possibilities of chopping breakfast. It made me start thinking: the days of “Ama keep keep” shirts, peace signs and Supras ruled. And so I want to take us back for a moment — maybe the young ones will learn a thing or two from this.
1. 2go
Tinder and Bumble are still learning work. Back in the day, 2go was all you needed on your Nokia C3 to connect with the love of your life. Babes only needed to have sexy or queen in their usernames: “Sexychocolatemama33” or “Dynamicqueen231” and your request section would be filled up.
2. Lyric books
Naeto C probably bagged his premium pie, Nicole, with the lines from this book. Are you a millennial if you didn’t send one of those emotionally powerful notes to your crush as a good morning text? Lyric books literally gave 101 ways to keep your ship moving back then. Someone needs to run an upgrade because the good morning texts these days are week AF.
3. Summer lesson
Look, I’m not saying we didn’t go there to read, but what is life without a bit of balance? The summer lesson gist when school resumed was always fire.
4. JAMB Lesson
All I can say is, sometimes, it wasn’t JAMB that jammed us, it was the lover we were chasing that didn’t allow us to see road to read. Everyone wanted to be that couple that found themselves and strolled to buy food in between classes. I hope they finally passed JAMB and married sha.
5. Secondary school
Remember how boys used to jump the fence to give babes gala and yogurt during prep? Simpler times. Then there was that wicked senior that would flog you then leave a note professing foolish love, but of course, they didn’t born you well to tell anybody. Rumour has it that this is how BDSM was invented.
6. Visiting day in school
This one is for the boarding school students. Visiting day meant eating food other than the trash in school, but it was also a national day for finding love. It definitely wasn’t because of cornflakes or milo you said yes to that student in your dorm.
7. Sunday School
Any church that had a basement was a zone for lovers forteenagers. All the bible they used to teach was entering one ear and coming out another hole.
8. BBM
It always started with “how did you get my pin.” Next thing, you’re pinging all night and then planning to meet at Mr. Biggs for meat pie. Like they say, the rest is history.
Many saxophonists didn’t go to church yesterday because they were serenading other people’s lovers. The roads were filled with dispatch riders rushing to make seemingly endless deliveries because people needed to show their partners that they cared about them on Valentine’s Day.
But there you were: sitting at home alone and watching Namase Wahala. Nobody brought you any gifts, nobody sent you any messages. It was just vibes.
If you didn’t get any Valentine’s gifts, we know what it means:
1. You are bigger than love
People might think that because you didn’t get any Valentine’s gift it means your love life is in shambles, but they don’t know that you’re actually bigger than all that love nonsense. They don’t know capitalists just use it as an avenue to sell chocolates. But you know. Don’t mind them.
2. A dog has eaten the bone of your bone
It’s either number 1, or a dog has eaten the bone of your bone and you’re going to be single forever. Which one do you pick?
3. That when the next Valentine’s day approaches, you should quit your job, pack your bags, and run away to Port Novo so you can be free from people who will ask you questions
Social media people never rest, people never stop asking questions, and you cannot be having high BP because of them. If you didn’t get anything on Valentine’s Day, just prepare to run away next Valentine’s to a place where nobody knows you. This is how you should spend every Valentine’s henceforth.
4. You need to start ruining other people’s relationships
Channel your inner early 2000’s Jim Iyke and begin to ruin other people’s relationships. If you’re not getting gifts, nobody is getting gifts.
5. Maybe you need to start dating yourself
After all, you can’t possibly let yourself down. Besides, nobody actually deserves you.
Valentine’s Day 2021 might have ended, but what will remain forever hilarious are these tweets from single people, zealous people, and people who are genuinely just here for the violence.
Are you sad that you’ll be alone this Valentine? Well, worry no more. Follow our steps and cause trouble for other people too.
If you will be single, then it should not be only you. Everybody must collect.
1. If you are a woman, call their babe and tell her to leave your man alone.
Or you can text her and switch your phone off afterwards. She will ask her man angrily and he will vex that she does not trust him enough. Next thing, they will do Malcolm and Marie for each other, only this time, it will end in tears.
You, 1 – Relationship People, 0.
2. If you know their family house, go there and gossip.
As soon as you see the parents, tell them that their son is out there distributing his sperm without any consideration for his future. They will be shocked that their son is a cheerful giver, and they will lock him inside on Valentine’s Day. Romantic plans don damage.
You, 2 – Relationship People, 0.
NB: Dress like a good person sha. That way, they will not release dog on you.
3. Are you into surprise packages? Mix up the love notes.
Give Kike’s note to Ginika, and Michael’s note to Habeeb. Shebi they want their love life to be exciting? Oya nau, let them excite themselves into breaking up.
You, 3 – Relationship People, 0.
4. Are you an online clothes vendor? Send the wrong size.
It’s kuku what you’re good at doing, so it should not be hard for you. When the recipient calls to say that there has been a mix-up, tell them that you’re only following their partner’s orders, and maybe it was their partners who mixed up the names of the person who should be getting the outfit.
You, 4 – Relationship People, 0.
5. You can even seduce one partner.
Hear me out. You’ll fix date and time to fornicate. And then you’ll invite their other half too, but you won’t let them know. The other half will enter while the first half is on top or under you. Whew chile, the hot mess that will happen.
You, 5 – Relationship People, 0.
6. Or maybe use juju.
Your mates are using juju to better their lives, but look at you, about to use juju to scatter people’s relationships. YAS QUEEN! Me I’m a professional evildoer so this is the one I highly recommend. DESTROY THAT RELATIONSHIP. TEAR IT LIKE AN OLD NEWSPAPER.
You, 6 – Relationship People, 0.
I must warn you though. Me that gave you this advice, I will not be trying any one out of it because I don’t have the liver. If you decide to go ahead and try it, toh, anything your eyes see, take it like that.
Valentine’s Day is around the corner and you’re probably getting a headache about what to do to surprise the love of your life. This article will save you from stressing over what to do.
Thank us later.
1.Introduce her to your wife
What’s a better time to introduce the two loves of your life to one another than Valentine’s Day, when love is in the air? Set up a fancy dinner for three at a high-end restaurant and make sure you arrive at a later time than both of them so they can have time to meet and become acquaintances.
2. Invite him to your wedding
Tell him you have somewhere special for him to be on Valentine’s Day, and that he should dress fancy. Imagine thinking you’re going on a special date for Valentine’s and you end up at your partner’s wedding to another person. Now that’s a surprise.
3. Block their contact
Keep them on the edge all day. Block them on every platform possible so they can’t reach you. Suspense spices up romance.
4. Post a picture of your real partner
This works even better if your partner loves you so much, they have your post notifications on. They’ll see a notification with your caption saying sweet things and click on it so fast only to see another person’s picture. In the rare occasion that they get offended, you can always lie that you were hacked.
5. Relocate without telling them
FaceTime your partner on Valentine’s Day and when they ask why there’s snow in the background, say, “Ahnahn, didn’t you know I was processing Canada PR? You’re not invested in my life enough and I don’t like it.” Hang up and let them process what they’ve just heard.
6. Surprise them with something they own
This works best if they left something at your apartment, like their underwear, and they’ve been talking about wanting to get it back. Send it via dispatch to their workplace on Valentine’s Day. For extra kicks, wrap it and write a note saying, “I know you’ve been saying you want this for a while. Here you go.”
7. Send a saxophonist…but with a twist
Instead of red, let the saxophonist wear all black, and instead of love songs let him play Darey’s “Not The Girl”. She will figure it all out mid-way through the song
Valentine’s day is coming and to celebrate this season of love, Munch It will be helping you surprise your loved ones on your behalf. Take this quiz to stand a chance of winning a special Valentine’s box, 10,000 Naira cash prize and tickets to a Valentine Ball for them!
Ensure to mention/tag that special someone’s handle when sharing your results on Twitter, using the hashtag #MunchItSweetSurprises. You can also share a screenshot of your result on Instagram, tagging the person and using the hashtag #MunchItSweetSurprises
Valentine is coming again and, as usual, Nigerian women a particular set of people are getting ready to furnish their men with the usual gifts we see every year. I’ve decided to save you the trouble and make a list of things Nigerian men don’t want to receive this year. If you really want to be a useful member of your relationship, you can find a list of things to buy your man for valentine’s here.
1. Sex
For the 5482nd time, sex is NOT a gift. Nobody ever thinks “You know what I’d really want for Valentine’s Day? Sex.” Nobody. Ever. Is it not the same sex that you’re having every other day?
2. Singlet and boxers
Did he tell you he doesn’t have underwear? Did he tell you he is suffering?
3. Handkerchief
Unless your man is a professional traditional dancer, I don’t see why you should be buying him handkerchief.
4. Pen
We know they said that the pen is mightier than the sword but it doesn’t mean it makes a great gift. Put in more effort abeg.
5. BYC T-shirt/Chase Deer
Resist the urge to be unfortunate, please.
6. “3000 Reasons Why I Love You”
Okay but na love we go chop? Who are you giving homework to go and be reading?
7. Face on Pillow/Mug
If he wants to know what he looks like, he has mirror at home.
Gifting is a very important way of being reminded that your partner still cares about you, even when they are cheating. You can catch your cheating partner by the quality of gifts you receive this Valentine’s Day.
If you are gifted anything on this list, hold their collar till they confess.
1. A date at a fancy restaurant
How do they know this fancy restaurant you’ve never been to before? It’s because they have already tried it out with one of their hoes. If you look well, you’ll see that the waiter even recognises them.
Order the most expensive thing on the menu for revenge.
2. Scented candles
If they buy you scented candles, it is because they don’t want you to smell their other partners’ scent on them when they come home from a long day of shameless cheating.
Don’t light the candles until you have smelt them.
3. A flight ticket to an exotic resort
They have finished cheating at home, now they want to go international. While you are getting a massage, they will have enough time to sneak around and find new people to cheat on you with.
Do not let them out of your sight.
4. New clothes
If they do this, they are projecting the style of their favourite lover onto you. They are using style to tell you that the way you dress isn’t up to par, and that’s why they are cheating in the first place.
You can use the clothes to fish out who in their life dresses like that.
5. A life-size teddy bear
Not only are they cheating, but they do not plan to stop. They know they will be out cheating day and night, so they have decided to give you a companion for all times they won’t be around.
Reject that gift immediately.
6. Great sex
In this case, they have cheated so much that they have now become experts at making others cum nine times in one day. They now want to give you leftover pleasure.
After creating a quiz that revealed how you’ll be spending Valentine’s Day, we’re now here to tell what gift you should expect on that very stressful day. From lazy hampers to affordable underwear, this quiz knows the main gift you’ll get on February 14.
Take to find out:
#ICYMI: We made a new show named Blind Date in which we sent a bunch of single people on an all-expense-paid date, interviewing them before and after they met. The first episode drops February 14 (Valentine’s Day) on our YouTube channel.
Back in secondary school, people starved for months just so they could use their pocket money to buy stupid gifts (or stage elaborate gestures ) for their then significant others. Tell me. How did those relationships turn out? Do you even still remember their names?
You didn’t expect to be shamed when you opened this article, did you? Well, sit back, relax, and grab a snack because there’s more on the way. Here are 5 valentine’s day gifts you most likely gave or received in secondary school.
1) A Card
Full of mushy heartfelt and sincere wishes written by some poor child in a Chinese sweatshop. All you did was write your name at the end and hope that the sentiments expressed in the card were enough to get you to second base.
2) Flower
SAMSUNG CSC
Notice how I said “flower” and not “flowers?” That’s because they usually bought that single synthetic rose (you know the one) that smelled like camphor. Seriously, one strong sniff of those things was enough to instantly get you to Chernobyl-levels of cancer.
3) Perfume
Perfumes that were more water than fragrance and had the most insane packaging e.g. having the bottle be shaped like a woman striking a sexy pose and the cover be a giant flower, making the woman look like a distant relative of Toad from Super Mario.
4) Love-shaped picture frame.
The ones nobody could ever use because no photographer back in the day developed pictures that small.
5) Teddy Bear
They were hella cheap too so they always fell apart slowly over a couple of months like a poorly-built build-a-bear project. It was the thought that counted, though.
#ICYMI: We made a new show named Blind Date in which we sent a bunch of single people on an all-expense-paid date, interviewing them before and after they met. The first episode drops February 14 (Valentine’s Day) on our YouTube channel.
Valentine’s Day is almost here, and there are only so many things that you could possibly do — from keeping yourself company to tensioning all your single friends with your love. So, we created a quiz that tells you exactly what that stressful day has in store for you.
Take it to find out:
#ICYMI: We made a new show named Blind Date in which we sent a bunch of single people on an all-expense-paid date, interviewing them before and after they met. The first episode drops February 14 (Valentine’s Day) on our YouTube channel.
So, Valentine’s day is here again and like last year, you’ll be spending it alone. Now, you might have the urge to spend the day by yourself in a dimly-lit room drinking cheap burn-a-hole-in-your-throat type of alcohol while thinking about the fact that you still haven’t found love at your big age, and that’s fine.
But I have a better idea.
Spend the day by yourself drinking cheap burn-a-hole-in-your-throat type of alcohol while thinking about the fact that you still haven’t found love at your big age, but this time IN PUBLIC!
I even took the liberty of putting together a list of places.
1. Quilox
At Quilox, you can do your best Viola Davis crying impression in the middle of the dance floor and no one will notice you (or your snot) because they’ll be too busy dancing Zanku in a circle around you while intoxicated.
2. Elegushi
Cry as much as you want while swimming in the ocean. No one is going to ask why your eyes are red and swollen because they’ll assume it’s the effect of salt water. You might want to delay drinking till after the swim/cry session though because the last thing you want is to drown and get eaten by mermaids.
3. The Giant APC Broom In Abuja
This spot is perfect because seeing as you’ll be crying anyway, you might as well throw in a few extra tears for what the structure represents: the batshit crazy nature of our country’s politics.
4. Church
Preferably, a Pentecostal church. If anyone asks why you’re a blubbering mess of tears, blame it on the effects of the holy spirit going through you. If you decide to go with this option, get drunk before. Because hitting the bottle in church is generally frowned upon.
5. Computer Village
All the people here are too busy trying to rob and/or scam you to worry about your sobbing so you’re good to go. Just keep your wits around you sha.
Valentine’s day is almost here and once again, you’ll be spending it alone. You’ll have to endure happy couples rubbing their joy in your face by holding hands and swapping saliva everywhere you go.
Well, your boy is here for you with ways you can make it through this disgustingly cute holiday. Even though at this rate, you’ll most likely die alone at the age of 89 surrounded by the 600 cockroaches in your apartment.
1. First things first:
Call in sick to work so you can stay home. Go shopping. Eat an entire cake (icing included) while watching every rom-com you can find on Netflix. Is it cliché? Yes. Will it feel good? Yes. Will all that cake icing and excessive spending set you up for mega diabetes and crushing debt in old age?
You betcha.
2. Think of all the money you won’t have to spend.
At least you don’t have to buy flowers and gifts and edible underwear and handcuffs…
3. Detoxify your space. And by that I mean block anybody who uploads boo’d up pictures on your timeline.
Because, how fucking dare they?
4. Do this.
Self love, am I right?
5. Be happy within yourself knowing that your relationship status doesn’t define you.
Then immediately realize that that Cosmopolitan article was full of shit.
6. Go out and ruin people’s relationships
Go to a restaurant and walk up to a couple having dinner. Then do this:
“So this is the reason you couldn’t spend today with me?! You’ll meet me and the kids at home!”
Then storm off, leaving chaos in the air.
7. Try your luck with Tinder
Nope.
8. Hit up your spiritual wife/husband.
Demons need love too.
9. Take solace in the fact that every happy couple’s Valentine’s day sex is going to suck and that all the unmarried ones will be hit with unwanted pregnancies.
You’re not evil, you’re just bitter. There’s a difference.
