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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Valentine after Valentine, you find yourself struggling to get the person in your life to stick around. Do those who get back-to-back money towers have two heads? They don’t (We’ve checked). So your story can change.
Here are some ways to get someone to spend several Valentine’s Days with you, tried and trusted by our Love Life couples.
As long as whoever you want to see is comfortable with it, then you should definitely go to their house every day for one year. It’s just that, the people who did this didn’t have phones, but now, we do. Still, a gesture is a gesture.
Drop whatever you’re doing and move to your lover’s street. That way, you get to spend every waking hour together and can be doing Valentine left and right. Be warned that this couple had already been dating for two years before they pulled this stunt.
Step 1: Buy Christmas chicken. Step 2: Post that you want to sell it, on your WhatsApp status. Step 3: Meet up with the person who offers to buy the chicken. Step 4: Fall in love and live happily ever after. It’s almost too easy.
Easiest way to get a forever Valentine is by accident. Send a bunch of messages to the person who’s entering your eye, but make sure one of those messages is a dating proposal. Pray they mistakenly say yes.
In most marriage stories, there’s a proposal. But not for Ada and Kingsley. They had sex one day and Kingsley decided he would meet her parents. At the meeting, the parents started dropping dates for introductions. A couple of months later and they’re married. Straight to the point with no time to waste. That’s how you get a forever Valentine.
What we learnt from this Love Life story is more people should sit inside empty, dry gutters. The love of your life might just be tempted to join you inside.
When starting your relationship, lie to everyone, especially your parents. Never lie to the person you’re with though. Or that’s where the problem will start.
If you had a best friend when you were in secondary school, we advise you start looking for them now. If you didn’t have a best friend, you may have to go back in time to get one. That way, you’ll have someone you can do friends-to-lovers with.
Your decision to live alone could be what’s standing between you and getting a forever Valentine. Your destiny might be to fall in love with your roommate, but you wouldn’t know for sure because you’ve decided to live alone. Move in with someone today.
The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different Nigerian cities.
From a student’s first Valentine with his girlfriend to the long-distance married couple and the writer receiving gifts from three different partners, this special #LoveCurrency edition explores the cost of Valentine’s Day for Nigerians in different types of relationships.
Product designer living in Lagos on a ₦400k salary
How did you meet your boyfriend?
We were in our third year working on a group project, and he asked to get a recording I’d made during the class. I was in a relationship at the time, and he was breaking off his relationship. By our final year, we’d become close friends who talked and hung out. Since we were both single, we started dating in 2018.
How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Between our busy schedules and Lagos traffic, we spend most Valentine’s Days at home. I don’t even remember it’s a special day, but sometimes, he buys me gifts.
Do you have a memorable one?
In 2021, we had a car movie date. We usually do this once a month, so for February, we used Valentine’s Day. We went to Ikeja City Mall to buy snacks, chose the two to three movies we’d see in sequence and set up his laptop in the car outside his house, while we snuggled up in the backseat.
He also got me a ring light and make-up — foundation, lip gloss, powder and eyeshadow pallet, all Maybelline products — because he knew I’d been saving their posts on IG.
Did you get him anything?
I sent a small chops tray to his office with a note asking him to be my Valentine. I also got him these Chelsea boots I saw he’d bookmarked on his Twitter. Everything cost about ₦35 – 40k.
How much were you making at the time?
I worked as an account manager, and my monthly income was between ₦150 – 250k, commissions included.
University student schooling in Kaduna on a ₦25k+ income
How did you meet your girlfriend?
Our parents knew each other, and we attended the same church. I always thought she was pretty, but I didn’t know how to approach her. Towards the end of 2018, I sent her a friend request on Facebook. We didn’t start chatting until April 2019.
In the three months that followed, we texted and talked over the phone a lot. I could tell she liked me as much as I liked her, so I asked her out in August, and she said yes.
Tell me about your most memorable Valentine’s Day with her
We’ve never really celebrated Valentine. I get her gifts, but because we were in different boarding houses when we were in secondary school, we didn’t see each other till the holidays.
What gifts have you gotten her over the years?
In 2021, I got her a bracelet, rings, perfume and necklace set for about ₦5k. In 2022, I got her four teddy bears — one big one and three small ones. They cost about ₦10k in total. This will be our first Valentine together physically. We’ve both graduated from secondary school, so I’m hoping this year is really special. I got her a Valentine package with flowers, cake, wine, card, bracelet and a customised mug. It cost ₦25k. I’m also planning to take her on a date.
How can you afford gifts?
I work at my mum’s farm, and she pays me ₦1- 2k per day, but it’s not consistent. I also trade forex and give my friend money to place bets for me. He enjoys betting, and he’s good at it. Last week, I gave him ₦20k; he won ₦46k, which is what I’m spending on this Valentine.
Writer living in Osun State on a ₦200k salary
How did you meet your partner?
I met my main partner on Twitter in January 2020. We were both in relationships then, but we spent a lot of time talking to each other. So we got together in July 2020, when our relationships ended.
I met my second partner in November 2021, at a university party, and we hit it off. We weren’t in a defined relationship, but we were together. I met someone else on social media, sometime around December. I had a work event, and I had to reach out to her about it. After the event, we stayed in contact. We didn’t date but we liked each other.
How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day with them?
In 2022, I told them I didn’t want to celebrate it, but I got a charger for my third partner because she’d been saying she needed one. That cost about ₦8500. My first partner got me a really cute dress, the second one got me lunch of about ₦7 – 9k, and my third partner gave me a foot and back massage and we also got ice cream for about ₦5k.
God, when? What are your plans for this Valentine?
I’m actually single for the first time in a while. So, I’ll just spend the day working and watching movies with my ex.
Ex?
The first partner. We broke up some months ago but we’re still pretty close, so why not?
Content creator living in Lagos on a ₦250k salary
How did you meet your partner?
We met at a friend’s beach party in October 2021 and exchanged IG handles and followed each other. But we didn’t really talk till January 2022 when he replied to a story I posted about taking 17 shots. By January 22nd, he asked me out on a date. We went to Rufus and Bees some days after, and from there, we started going out.
When did it become official?
February 27th. The plan was to spend the weekend at a hotel in Ikeja, so we stopped to buy food — he got me my favourite cheesecake. And when we got to the hotel, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
So this is your first Valentine together?
Sort of. Even though we weren’t dating till a week after Valentine, we still exchanged gifts. He got me a romper — I love rompers. I got him a wallet, two-piece co-ord and a man purse, all for about ₦30k. This time, we agreed not to do too much because our anniversary is in two week’s time. My budget for that is about ₦50k. I want to get him one of those gift boxes with shoes in them. But for Valentine’s Day, I got him brownies and a pair of sneakers, which cost about ₦23k. I don’t know what his plans are, but I already got my first gift from him on Sunday — a pair of sneakers.
Executive and HR assistant on a ₦150k salary
How did you meet your partner?
On my birthday in November 2015, a friend of mine posted my picture on BBM. He saw it and fell in love.
FR?
LOL, just kidding. He asked for my BBM pin and we started talking. I wasn’t looking for anything serious because I’d just gotten out of a relationship while he was dealing with an ex. But during one of our midnight calls in March 2016, I asked the “What are we?” question and we agreed it made sense to make it official since everyone already thought we were dating.
And what were you?
A long-distance couple. We were schooling in different universities and even when we were both back to Lagos, he lives in Surulere, while I live in Ibeju-Lekki. But it was still better than him abandoning me in the trenches. In 2018, he went to Canada for his master’s degree.
That’s a heck of a distance
It was. We were barely speaking. Between school, work and the time difference, there was no time When we did speak, it couldn’t be for long. We started to have arguments and eventually, I told him he had to make me a priority too. Communication started to improve after that.
When he finished his master’s, he had more time.
Good
Our relationship took a new turn once he got back. He returned in October 2019 for his sister’s wedding, and visited my dad to introduce himself. I realised he was serious about me.
But when he asked me to marry him in March 2021, I was both scared, nervous and excited. I knew I wanted to marry him, but I just didn’t think I’d get married at 24.
Valid concern
My plan had been to go to Canada for masters, but then it kept taking time because the money wasn’t forthcoming. His plan was for us to get married so he could start processing my spousal visa. So he came back to Nigeria in December 2021 for the wedding.
How do you celebrate special occasions?
He usually sends money, anything between ₦100 – 200k. But for Valentine in 2022, he sent money to my friend and they got food from my favourite restaurant, chocolates, and drinks.
Do you gift him?
I buy him things I think he likes — clothes and jewellery, and either wait till he comes or send it through someone travelling to Canada. Last time I sent a gift was in September 2022. Everything I got was about ₦50k.
Do you have plans for this Valentine?
We honestly don’t go crazy for Valentine. I’m going to work, then coming back home to sleep. I’ve gotten him some t-shirts that cost about ₦20k, but I’ll add some things to them as time goes on.
Media executive living in the UK
How did you meet your partner?
We met on Twitter in November 2018. I asked people what they wanted before the end of the year and he said a date with me. He slid into my DM and we fixed a date but then I didn’t hear from him till weeks later. He apologised and said he was busy with work and wanted us to reschedule.
Did you?
The next time we met was at a mutual friend’s dinner, a few months later. After the dinner, we started talking more on Twitter and hanging out after work. We bonded over Game of Thrones and pedicures. We also had a lot of common beliefs and by lockdown, we were already dating and spent a lot of time together.
When did you start talking about money?
During lockdown, when we were staying together, we used to pull our finances together to buy things.
How do you celebrate special occasions?
We buy gifts for each other regularly, and the more we grow, the more money we have and the higher the quality of gifts. For Valentine in 2021, he got me wine, chocolate and flowers. While in 2022, he got me a camera.
What are your plans for this year?
I got him some gifts. Nike gear, sneakers, loungewear, a backpack, body massager and some other things. They cost about £500. I don’t know what he got me, but he said he spent £1k. We’re going to see a movie on Friday night and a mani-pedi date on Saturday, but for Valentine’s Day itself, we’d probably just sit home and drink wine.
If you’re interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship, this is a good place to start.
Spending Valentine’s Day single? Well, so are Elizabeth* (21) and Tobi* (23), an ex-Love Life couple who were together for two years until 2022. We invited them back to talk about their break up, how they usually spent Valentine’s Day together, and how they’ll spend their first Valentine apart. This is a guide for fellow newly single people.
Why did you break up, first of all?
Elizabeth: We broke up because my head is not correct.
Tobi: I always found it funny we broke up on the 18th of November because we’re both born on the 18th of different months.
Elizabeth: I thought it was the 14th? Anyways, yeah, we broke up because we argued a lot. It felt like we both wanted things the other couldn’t give.
Tobi: Although we plan on getting back together, we want to do a lot of self-work first.
Elizabeth: But until then, bye bye to our two-year relationship.
Tobi: Two years, three months and 17 days. Don’t ask me why I calculated. Just know that I did.
Elizabeth: Problem.
How did you spend Valentine’s Day as a couple?
Elizabeth: The Valentine’s Day before we started dating, I wanted to get them a gift, but they refused vehemently.
Tobi: We were just “friends”. I was scared. Plus, I was so anti-love before we started dating. I was one of those annoying people who wore black on Valentine’s Day and stuff like that. The first one I spent with Elizabeth though, I kinda went all out.
Elizabeth: Since we couldn’t see each other on the day, they came over to my place the day before and we exchanged gifts. Tobi has safe snacks like certain brands of gummy worms and chips they ate whenever they needed to spark joy. So I went to the supermarket near my house and bought as many as I could find. I also got them a fake flower and a shirt of mine they’d been disturbing me for.
Tobi: I did a whole five senses thing. I got her the book version of her favourite movie, a night light because she’s scared of the dark, a shirt that smelt like me because I bathed it in my perfume she likes, chocolate and a teddy bear she could attach to her bag so she had a piece of me with her everywhere she went. We also exchanged cards and spent the day in each other’s presence. Although I don’t look forward to Valentine’s Day, that day with her was sweet and chill.
Elizabeth: The second year, we said we weren’t going to celebrate it. I was in another state, and it felt like too much pressure for us to do something. I took myself out to lunch, but do you know Tobi still bought me a dress?
Tobi: You’d wanted the dress for as long as I could remember.
Elizabeth: I felt bad because I didn’t get them anything in return, but it is what it is.
Now, you’ve broken up. What’s your guide to spending Valentine’s Day single?
Tobi:
Work
Valentine is on a Tuesday and you probably have a job, because I do. If you don’t have love, at least, make money. It may not keep you warm at night, but it can pay for a nice hotel with great heating.
Beg your parents for money
You’re single, but (hopefully) they’re not. The least they can do is give you some money to do something nice for yourself. Also, you’re supposed to be a testament of their love. Testament no deserve gift?
Watch sappy movies
If you’re not spending your Valentine’s Day watching all the romantic movies you can lay your hands on, what are you actually using it to do? Watch Someone Great, Mamma Mia, About Time, Entergalactic, and remind yourself that love exists — it’s just not for you.
Elizabeth:
Cook
The way to a person’s heart is through their stomach. Cook yourself some good food so your heart can be happy.
Jigsaw puzzle
I have a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle with my name on it. I’ll spend the night solving it and having a fun time. It’ll spark joy and keep my brain sharp.
Drink while scrolling through social media
I love love, and I love alcohol. So I’ll get myself a nice bottle of rum or red wine and drink while watching other people gush about their partners. It’ll give me another nice little brain boost.
We already know you have coconut head, and that’s why you chose to fall in love after all our warnings. But still forget about celebrating Valentine for any of these valid reasons.
You’re broke
Do you know how much a single rose is? Have you seen the price tags on those Valentine packages? Even boxers and singlets are now expensive. If you know what’s good for you, cancel your plans.
No cash
Anything worth doing is worth doing well. So except you don’t mind trekking to the date venue or washing plates when your bank’s network disappears again, better cancel everything and sleep.
No fuel
If you manage to get cash, you’ll spend most of it on transport for you or the gift you want to send.
Love is wicked
Brick and Lace warned you, but you didn’t hear. Burna Boy predicted it’d end in breakfast, nothing. Even Omah Lay broke commandments for love that still ended in tears. Carry your slippers and run.
It’s just overrated
Every February 14, the same thing. Flowers, babalawo red and fornication. Aren’t you tired?
Your partner is cheating
Your partner didn’t fall asleep last night because they were with their actual partner. So please, why are you planning a surprise for them? Don’t be surprised when they make up an excuse to spend Valentine with their real partner.
Election is coming
Elections are just a few weeks away, and you’re thinking about love? Do you even have your PVC? SMH.
Ensuring that Valentine’s Day fell within ten-day chocolate marketing period may have been a masterstroke for Ghana’s chocolate marketers. But they were also helped because a campaign launched 15 years ago to encourage local consumption of chocolate is beginning to bear fruit.
By Zubaida Mabuno Ismail, bird story agency.
“I have run out stock of Kingsbite milk chocolate, I only have the love chocolate (chocolate from Turkey),” announces a vendor stationed at the Dzorwulu junction in a suburb of Accra. It’s Valentine’s Day, February 14, 2022 and already vendors are selling out of Ghanaian chocolate.
That is a measure of success for the organisations behind Ghana’s National Chocolate Week Celebration, an annual marketing drive that was begun in 2015 and which is beginning to change the narrative on chocolate.
It’s also great news for the Ghana Cocoa Processing Company, which sells seven main brands of chocolates – including Kingsbite.
Three private firms — Chocolate 57, owned and run by London-based sisters, Priscilla and Kimberly Addison, Niche Cocoa and Cocoa Liquor Company-GIHOC Distilleries are the other key partners behind the country’s annual Chocolate fete. According to the managing director of the state-run Ghana Cocoa Processing Company, Nana Agyenim Boateng, more and more stakeholders are being drawn in every year.
It may have been luck that this year, Valentine’s Day fell within the 10-day chocolate fete, scheduled to run from February 12 to February 22 but the Valentines Day slogan, “Eat Chocolate, Stay Healthy, Grow Ghana; Our Chocolate, Our Health, Our Wealth” left no doubt as to what the day was meant to be about.
Valentine’s gift boxes and bouquets invariably contained a bar of Kingsbite Milk Chocolate.
Board member of the country’s COCOBOD, Naa Adwoa Dokuah, explained the celebrations’ origins – and why the board shares chocolate bars each year with the Darbah community in the Atwima Nwabiagya North District to share bars of chocolate to pupils.
“The national Chocolate Day celebration idea was mooted by former tourism minister Jake Obetsebi Lamptey during ex-President John Agyekum Kufour’s tenure and this is an opportunity to honour the president in his hometown,” he said.
Ghana has had plenty of chocolate visionaries. The first was the late Tetteh Quarshie. Quarshie is credited for bringing the first cocoa beans to the then Gold Coast in 1879. The agriculturalist planted the beans on his farm at Mampong-Akuapim, a town in the Eastern Region but little did he know that his discovery would later be the lifeline to his country’s economy, becoming an important part of the country’s export.
Born in 1842, Quarshie did not witness his country’s first official export of two cocoa bags in 1893, as he died on Christmas Day, 1892. But by 1910 Ghana was already the world’s largest exporter of cocoa and produced almost half of the world’s output until 1978, when Ivory Coast overtook Ghana as the largest producer.
Although cocoa beans originated in South America, the majority of the world’s annual crop is grown in Africa, and the 2017-2018 African harvest amounted to around 3.5 million tons. The top two producers are Ghana and Ivory Coast, with Ivory Coast producing more than twice the volume that Ghana does. Some three million people work in the industry in those two countries.
In 2015, while the world’s cocoa farmers received about 8 billion US dollars in revenue, the world chocolate market was valued at 110 billion US dollars, according to the African Development Bank. Ghana wants to retain far more of the chocolate market value than it currently does, by developing its domestic chocolate market and relying less on exports of unprocessed beans… basically changing the narrative from “raw cocoa exporter” to “processed chocolate consumer”.
To boost local cocoa consumption, in the academic year 2017/18, the government introduced a hot chocolate programme for senior high school students in the country. The country also encourages an interest in cocoa and chocolate production, at school.
School principal Lawrence Ahiagbor said that the strategy not only encourages learners to become familiar with chocolate as a local product but also promotes its consumption. Surprisingly few learners know about cocoa or chocolate, especially in the country’s north.
“Since cocoa is not something that is produced in the northern part of Ghana. Most of our learners would have seen it for the first time in its real essence and not in pictorial form. They would also learn the act of sharing and then begin to develop an interest in cocoa made products in Ghana,” Ahiagbor said.
One of those who got to enjoy chocolate products at the annual fete was Kanitatu Abdul-Latif, a pupil of the Alhassan Gbanzaba Memorial School in Ghana’s Northern region. She was fascinated with chocolate saying she had only seen the cocoa pods either in photos or television.
“I only see cocoa on television so seeing it today (chocolate day) brings me joy. Again, I have learned about other products produced from cocoa. Thank you for bringing us cocoa,” she said with a smile on her face.
Mohammed Farakhan, another pupil, enjoyed the celebration, too.
“I see today as a day to honour the cocoa farmers and the celebration in school is our way of saying thank you to the farmers.” Latif said.
Cocoa is mainly grown in the country’s forested areas of Ashanti, Brong-Ahafo, Central Region, Eastern Region, Western Region, and Volta, where rainfall is 1,000–1,500 millimetres per year.
While the global price of cocoa beans can fluctuate considerably, the price has gravitated been between 2,000 and 3,000 US dollars per metric ton for the past few years.
So while it may have been luck that Valentine’s Day this year fell during the annual Chocolate Week Celebration, it was no coincidence that it was chocolate, not flowers, that marketers across the country, were pushing on the day.
“Valentine’s is coming, Valentine’s is coming!” Well, it has come and gone and we’re still here. For those of you that didn’t allow us rest with posts of your teddy bears and chocolate, we hope you’re proud of yourselves? We recently realised that some of you are still on this love thing one week later, instead of focusing on your hustle. That doesn’t sit right with our spirit. To help you regain focus, we compiled a list of songs to remind you that the hustle is real and it’s time to jazz up.
If the richest black man and a Grammy award-winning musician are still out on these streets grinding for more money, alaye, who are you? But you’re here celebrating Valentine’s even after one week? You must be a joker.
You know the ginger is real every time Wizkid starts to call street names and Local Government Areas in Lagos. If you’re in doubt, look at his other songs like Ojuelegba and Surulere. No Lele reminds us that just like every other up-and-coming artist, people told Wizkid he wouldn’t come. But look at Big W today, he came! If you know what’s good for you, omo, you better draw inspiration from the man.
This song is chaotic and violent AF, but honestly, it should be the first song you listen to every morning. Even though it’s been like 500 years ago since it first dropped, our man Eedris told no lies and we’re still living through most of this shit today. Listen to it, understand that Nigeria is out to kill you, and please find a way to survive the jaga jaga by making plenty money.
In this life, having a good heart and diligent work spirit is cute, but you know what’s cuter? Having funds. In Gone Far, Zinolesky reminds us that money cancels nonsense, so unless you want to face nonsense every day, we suggest you drop that lovey-lovey thing you’re still doing and get your hustle on.
This is the most ajebo hustle song on this list and we blame it on how sweet Buju (or is it now BNXN) voice is. Please, can you explain why you’re resting now after you’ve come so far? Do you want your village people to laugh at you? You better wake up and put in your 15 hour shift.
In this song, Davido introduces us to the three important Ls: Lowo, Lola and Lalafiya. They loosely translate to: “I want to have money”, “I want to be wealthy” and “I want peace of mind”. Notice how money is the first thing? That whole talk that money can’t buy happiness? Lies from the pits of hell. Crying in a private jet and crying in a danfo in Iyana Oworo traffic, which one do you prefer? Hm? We thought so too.
Please, if you came to this life to suffer, kindly raise your hand so we can avoid you in peace. Savage was not playing on this song, and while you’re jamming to it, we advise you also listen to the lyrics and fix your hustle so you don’t leg-work your way into poverty.
Valentine’s Day is coming. And since it seems like single people are not included in the plans, here are eight important things you should do if you’re single on Valentine’s Day
1) Delete all social media apps
Every year, “me and mines” terrorise us from Easter, all through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Do you think they will not cause you pain, suffering and gnashing of teeth on the day allocated for the celebration of romance? Just delete all your social media apps, if not, whatever you see, take it like that.
2) Text your ex
If it could happen to Rihanna, it can happen to you. Text your ex and see where it leads you. Maybe your story can finally change and you’d do Happy Valentine’s Day 2023
3) Steal people’s Valentine’s Day packages
Consider it reparations for all that they do. At least they can hold each other while you hold their gifts.
4) Pray
Even if no one loves you, at least they’re always saying there’s someone “up there” that loves you. Open your heart and pray like you’ve never prayed before.
5) Sleep
If you can’t go on a date in the physical realm, might as well sleep so your the partner of your dreams can wine and dine with you. All hope is not lost, dear.
6) Check your blood pressure
All the constant thinking and tensioning isn’t good for your heart. Since Valentine’s Day is commonly represented by a red heart, you might as well check and make sure it’s working properly.
7) Hustle
Make money so that you can at least console yourself with the fact that your bank account is fatter than theirs. The money you’d have spent on Valentine’s, you can use it to buy stocks. Work smarter, not harder, or whatever it is they say.
8) Read Zikoko
No matter whether you’re single or taken, Zikoko dey for you. You don’t have to ask us; we’re already your Val. You can spend as many hours as you want with us on our website.
If you are not single and you need help planning a Valentine’s Day package for your partner, click here
With Valentine’s packages including things ranging from a small child to a Range Rover, it really is the little things that matter. We’ve got some suggestions on things that should be added to increase the value of a Valentine’s Day package for your partners.
1) Therapy
A lot of people in this country need help. Unhinged fellows that divine intervention can’t help. Therapy sessions need to be included in Valentine’s Day packages. At least that way, all your red flags will turn green.
2) Bitcoin
Who says you can’t put cryptocurrency inside Valentine’s Day package? So what if the money is not physical? You people should find out how to make it happen. Also, the package should not cost more than 2k. Things are already hard enough, please.
3) Orgasms
Trying to get an orgasm can be stressful and time-consuming. So, if you’re not trying to make everyone’s life easier by bottling orgasms and selling it in Valentine’s Day packages, then you should keep your package to yourself.
4) Citizenship
Ticket out of Nigeria is not enough, they need to start adding abroad citizenship. Help us please; times are hard.
5) The will to live
Life is tough and people are tired. Help us to help ourselves. If you don’t add the will to live, who’ll be alive to buy the Valentine Day package?
6) Ticket to heaven
Nigeria is bad enough as it is, why will anyone take their chances with hell? Na ticket wey no dey cut we want now o. Please, give us a chance to enjoy eternal rest.
7) Back-up partner
Just in case the partner you spend this Valentine’s Day with starts to misbehave, there should be one that is willing and ready to continue from where the former one stopped. At least that way, there will always be a partner that will buy you Val gifts.
If these things won’t make the best Valentine’s Day package, we don’t know what will.
Valentine is almost here and yet again, Nigerian men are bound to be on the unfair end of the gifting scale. The cycle of giving a lot and getting little in return has to end this Valentine.
What do you give a [stingy] woman who has everything? We have ideas.
1. Bagco bag.
You might not be able to handle all her emotional baggage, but Bagco will never let her down.
2. Wet lips.
A closed mouth is a closed destiny. You have just gifted her something that will lead to her acceleration in life.
3. Hand mirror.
When you give this to her, play “Jowo” by Davido: Look into my eyes oh, baby jowo. The way she will run to hug you ehn! Hmm.
4. Wig cap.
Who knows, the wig cap could be her secret charm into BBNaija this year. Nengi that wore it in the house kuku knew what she was doing.
5. Hardener.
You are making her nails hard, not her life. She should appreciate this.
6. Tights/Stockings/Pop-Socks.
You’re helping her look sexy on a budget. What else could she possibly want?
7. Greeting card.
Shebi she said words of affirmation is her love language? It has not changed. Buy greeting card and speak her love language to her.
8. Back scratcher.
You cannot promise to touch the deepest parts of her. But you see this back scratcher? It will touch her in places even you cannot reach.
9. Rubber.
Natural is the way, and that’s why you are giving her this to help her journey. Sorry if your babe is on gorimapa. Maybe buy her Damatol.
10. Pumice stone.
You’ve just saved her the cost of going to the spa for a foot scrub. This right here is an eternal subscription to a DIY pedicure, all natural.
11. Dunlop slippers.
For when her journey in life becomes too hard. Let her remove her high heels and wear this one.
12. Hair bond.
Somebody is bound to provoke her into fighting. She’ll use this scrunchie to pack her hair so they don’t pull it and win.
13. Ludo.
Give her something else to play with, in case she decides to play your heart.
14. Two Indomie and one egg.
One egg is now N50 in the market. If she does not appreciate it, then she is not worthy of your affection.
NB: Whatever happens between you and your girlfriend after you give her any of these gifts, you people should not call my name abeg. I’m busy shaving my own Valentine’s gift.
It’s a few days to Valentine, and you’re still very single. Now, instead of planning a romantic Sunday, you’re considering going to church for the first time in years. While that sounds “fun”, here are six steps you can take to make your neighbor fall in love with you.
If they come to knock and complain, apologise and tell them that you’re having trouble sleeping. They’ll surely stay up with you and, if you’ve ever watched porn, you know how that goes…
Both of you after
2. Lure them with food
Whenever you’re making something nice, bring all your fans together and try to blow the smell in the direction of their house. Food will surely lure them your way.
How you’ll end up because food is sweet but you’re sweeter.
3. Leave your doors open
If you’re getting desperate, just leave your door open. You’ll come back and meet them standing guard, and that can spark a conversation.. If they steal your things sha, please, don’t @ us.
Even if you didn’t wash, always be on the lookout for rain. You might get wet in the process but Nollywood has shown that this is a tested and trusted way to make them fall for you.
Rain romance nwantiti.
5. Man up and ask them out
You will not die if you speak up. Before someone will post that “valentine is coming” video and you breakdown in a bus because shyness didn’t let you be great.
It’s time to revoke your membership card abeg.
6. Go to a Babalawo
This should always be your last resort, but love is clearly more important than safety. Do you think babalawos are fake? Just ask Astor
You can’t say we haven’t done anything nice for you.
It’s that time of the year where couples are checking their account balances and wondering if they are willing to go broke just to buy a gift and single people are wondering if going to Shiloh is a tad dramatic. Let’s take a look into your future and tell you what you’ll be doing on Valentine’s Day.
Thank God Valentine has come and gone and we can finally hear word and see road again.
With all the hype and social pressure, some of us may have overspent and are now fervently looking to our Accounts department at work for help.
If this sounds like you fear not, I have some tips (that have worked for me in the past) to ensure you survive the rest of the month because I care about you.
1) Pack lunch to work:
I have noticed that when I don’t eat out, I save more money. Depending on how convenient it is to get to work, this is a proven and tested method that has worked for me over and over again and saved me after a spending spree.
Easy to carry your food.
2) Cut off luxuries:
It’s funny how when I am broke, yellow buses don’t seem that bad. N1,200 Uber vs N200 Yellow bus. N200 bus wins every time until my next payday then I get to misbehave again.
3) Soft interest-free loan:
When all fails and I remember I didn’t partake in the crime of killing our Lord and personal savior, I just reach out to family and friends that can float me until payday. Whatever I do, payday loans with interests are a red flag because imagine paying interest on top of borrowed money that may scatter finances for the coming month.
4) Track every Naira:
I enter frugal mode meaning every single note is accounted for. No dashing money to people, no impulse buying. Just accounting and prioritizing all the cash on me until salary comes.
5) Consider a side hustle:
Continuously growing broke is a driver that has motivated me to not be dependent on a single source of income. It is always an eye-opener that it’s time to double the hustle.
Valentine’s day is coming and Nigerian men are tired of the boxers agenda that has been making the rounds since 90B.C
As part of our C.S.R, we have curated a list of affordable yet sweet gifts for the sweet man in your life.
1) Sandals:
You definitely do not need to break the bank to make your Nigerian man look as sweet as he has the potential to be. Imagine this paired with freshly laundered native, he will forever thank and love you.
For less than N10,000, your man can be the sweetest today.
2) Native attire:
Your Nigerian king deserves only the best and you should treat him as such.
3) Perfume:
You can never go wrong with perfumes, and you don’t have to go over N10,000 before you find something that makes him smell like a million bucks.
4) Bracelets:
One of the best-kept secrets is by how much a man’s appeal is boosted by bracelets and other essentials. The beautiful part is they don’t cost too much.
5) Sunshades:
“See my dark shades on like I can’t see you but you know say me fancy you.” – Oluwaburna.
Everybody has pictured how badass they look in a pair of sunshades walking down the road. The beauty is that there are relatively affordable sunshades out there that will do the trick.
If he uses prescription lenses, you can throw in cool frames as a gift.
6) Shoes:
From sneakers to corporate shoes, the list is unending, The options are limitless.
7) Shirts:
Casual clothing, formal wear, pls. The list is too much and many are not overly expensive.
8) Gadgets:
Earphones, headset, new charger, new USB cord, new laptop battery, new fitness watch. Again? Not too expensive gifts.
9) Skincare products:
A couple that moisturizes together glows together. From lip balm for harmattan, to hand lotion, to body lotion to even shampoo. Depending on how willing he is, you can even throw in face cleanser and a face mask.
10) Pay for his DSTV subscription:
Don’t let him miss his favorite football matches or shows. Subscribe for either his DSTV, Netflix, or GoTv.
In the spirit of love, we present Zikoko’s blind dating where we link up strangers and send them on an all-expense-paid date with the hope that something kicks off from there.
Why isn’t Valentine’s day a public holiday? It makes you wonder why Capitalists want to take our hard-earned funds without giving us time off from the grind.
Well, jokes on them because I don’t even have money like that. I was wondering, can you celebrate Valentine’s day without spending a lot of cash?
Well, the answer is yes. At least, I believe you can. It just depends on how you look at things. So, I came up with ways to ensure you celebrate on a budget yet still give your partner an unforgettable experience.
Let’s start:
1) Create a playlist for them:
Am I the only one that associates music with certain periods of my life? When I listen to some songs, I am transported back in time to specific moments in my life. What better way to imprint yourself on your partner by curating and sharing a playlist that tells them exactly how you feel about them? The best part is that it is relatively affordable.
2) Home-cooked meals:
“There’s rice at home” – Nigerian proverb.
The aim is to show love and you can have a cook in session together. Nothing screams romance like trying and failing at new exotic recipes together and then finally settling on eating indomie with egg. In addition, you can add a bottle of wine to step it down.
3) Bond in Lagos traffic:
Since conflicting schedules make it difficult to have heart to heart sessions, I recommend that you guys go home together on Valentine’s day. Use the terrible holdup to have that much-needed conversation and also make plans moving forward. It costs you nothing.
4) Hand-made gifts:
Nothing screams “I love you” like hand made anything. From cards to sewing clothes to even baking. Any gift that shows that you put in labour can melt even the coldest person.
5) E-books:
If the person loves to read, try to ask for a list of titles they have wanted to read for a long time. Should you choose to accept this mission, there are two ways to go about it:
Use sites like Okada books and Goodreads to buy the books at affordable rates and send to them.
*Looks left and right* use the backdoor like…
6) Games night:
If both of you agree to a quiet evening, then you could play cards, Karaoke, drinking games, PlayStation. Nothing too fancy or over the top. Anything that encourages bonding is good to go.
7) Quality time:
The main aim of this holiday is to spread love and many times this just means being there for the person. It could be simple as showing up for them at a work presentation, a hospital visit, a bad mental health day or just staying up at night over the phone to assure them that things will work out.
Giving someone the gift of time is invaluable and hardly any gift can top it because we all need love.
Valentine’s Day is almost here, and there are only so many things that you could possibly do — from keeping yourself company to tensioning all your single friends with your love. So, we created a quiz that tells you exactly what that stressful day has in store for you.
Take it to find out:
#ICYMI: We made a new show named Blind Date in which we sent a bunch of single people on an all-expense-paid date, interviewing them before and after they met. The first episode drops February 14 (Valentine’s Day) on our YouTube channel.
It’s that time of the year again. Where single people are stressed tf out and partnered people do the most. It’s Valentine! yay.
The best capitalist holiday that was ever invented to make sure we compete against each other and are all perpetually anxious. The most successful propaganda ever pushed apart from Christmas. Shall I continue with my conspiracy theories?
As usual, everyone is competing for who can give the best gift for Valentine. However, no one wants to be the person that gives the terrible gift that ruins a possible fruitful relationship.
So, what are some of the possible gifts that can get you hate instead of love?
Let’s begin:
1) S.T.I’s:
You don’t want to be the person that shares an exotic disease to your partner after a beautiful night out. Part of the gift set on that day should be a visit to the hospital to get tested. You need to be absolutely safe out there.
2) Pregnancy:
Unless you are actively looking for a baby, don’t do it. I understand that the temptation and excitement of the day can push you but don’t do it. Use protection especially if you are young and broke. Kids are expensive.
3) Gym subscription:
This is a very tricky gift to give someone as they may get the wrong impression that you are calling them overweight. Only in cases where they actually ask for it should you do this. Do not allow it to end in tears.
4) Hair removal cream/razor:
Good luck trying to explain to your girlfriend that you aren’t implying that she’s hairy with this gift.
5) Thoughtfulness:
For goodness sake, buy an actual gift that represents your special relationship with the person. In this case, the thoughts don’t count. Only actions. If it isn’t expensive, it can at least be a very thoughtful gift.
Did you celebrate Valentine’s day all by yourself? Or are you one of those people who are single to stupor?
You might be wondering if anybody even loves you. This guy is having it worse than any lonely Nigerian right now. Check out these posts and all your feelings of sorrow and loneliness are sure to vanish.
This is the controversial Joro Olumofin. He tried to make a joke using himself as the scapegoat but unfortunately, it backfired.
