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  • Sex Life: Vaginismus Isn’t Letting Me Enjoy Sex

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old woman who just wants to have penetrative sex. She talks about her painful experiences, the “solutions” she’s tried that didn’t work, and how she craves painless penetrative sex. 

    Tell me about your most memorable sexual experience 

    The first time I tried penetrative sex was when I was 21. It hurt, and I told him to stop. He said sex with me was like trying to put a wrong key in a padlock. 

    Three years later, I decided to try again with my friend with benefits at the time. We got a hotel room, and when he tried penetration, I was in a world of pain. It hurt so much, and the blood that followed? It didn’t seem normal. 

    We ended up just kissing and cuddling. I couldn’t go through that amount of pain again. 

    I’m sorry. So, no more penetrative sex for you? 

    Well, I tried one more time. It was with the same guy, in a different hotel a few months later. He kept telling me the pain was in my head, but I knew it wasn’t. When he tried and the tip got in, I thought I’d collapse from how much pain I was in. 

    I told him to remove it immediately, and I made a promise to myself to not try penetrative sex again until I’d figured out a solution to what was wrong with me. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: With a Big Dick You’re Your Own Problem

    What was finding a solution like?

    Well, I haven’t exactly found one, but that’s because I haven’t taken it seriously. I’ve been extremely busy. Plus, it’s not like I’m orgasm starved. I get plenty from oral sex and masturbation. 

    Those don’t hurt? 

    They really don’t. I started masturbating when I was 21 years old, and I was only able to because my mental block had left. I used to be very religious, and that meant no form of sexual activity for me. As time went on and I grew less religious, I allowed myself to masturbate one day. It felt great. I tried to insert fingers, but it felt extremely uncomfortable, so I just stuck with the clitoris. 

    I can give myself steady orgasms, and if I don’t feel like doing it myself, I meet up with my friend with benefits for oral sex. I’m not starved of orgasms. 

    Then why did you want to try penetrative sex? 

    Because I want to experience it. I want to know what it’s like to be penetrated and actually enjoy it. Plus, I can’t masturbate for the rest of my life, and I feel it’s unfair to just expect to get oral sex and not give anything in return. 

    I don’t like giving blowjobs. Semen tastes salty and the act of sucking dick doesn’t turn me on. I don’t want to be the one getting all the pleasure while the guy gets nothing. It’s not fair. 

    So back to finding a solution. What’s going on?

    I’ve tried a bunch of things. In early 2021, I started doing a lot of research. Whenever I typed in my symptoms, I’d always get vaginismus as a result. So, I started searching for solutions to vaginismus. The first one I tried was a dilator. 

    Dilators are these sex toys that look like dildos but have one fat end and a slim end on the other side. They come in different sizes, and you’re supposed to try each size to get your vagina used to a penis. The one I got had five different sizes. Using the two smallest was okay, but when I tried the third? Problem. I tried to shove it in, but it’ll end up sliding back out. So, I gave up on it. 

    Then I watched a show that talked about painful penetration. They shared breathing techniques you can use to help you take in the dilator. After learning the techniques, I tried again, but I could never make it past the second size. The third size brought too much pain so I’d stop. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass

    That sounds stressful. Did you try anything else? Lube? 

    I have tried so many different variations of lubricants, but it doesn’t work because my vagina muscles are too tight. 

    Late 2021, I was scrolling through instagram when I saw another woman talking about vaginismus. I reached out to her, and she gave me the number of a pelvic floor therapist who can help. Unfortunately, I’ve been unable to see the doctor. 

    There’s so much going on in my life right now, and I have so many expenses because I plan on traveling, so a pelvic floor therapist isn’t really the top of my list. 

    What about a gynecologist? 

    I’m currently seeing a gynecologist for PCOS-related issues, but I’ve been unable to bring my possible vaginismus up because the last time I went to see a doctor when I was 21, he kept asking me stupid questions that weren’t helpful. He was more interested in how my boyfriend felt about the experience than me. So, I’m just waiting till I can see the pelvic floor therapist. 

    When might that happen? 

    Hopefully, before this year ends. I might finally get a solution to this problem and maybe start enjoying penetrative sex. 

    How will you rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10?

    1. Sure, I’m getting orgasms by myself, but there’s nothing like having someone hold, touch and kiss you in places you can’t do yourself. I’d like to be able to have penetrative orgasms with someone. Until then? We move.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because Of My Childishness

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: “I’ve Only Found 5 People Sexually Attractive In My Life”

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old heteroromantic asexual woman who talks about living with vaginismus, being sexually attracted to people for short periods of time and the struggles of being asexual and sexually active.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I remember two experiences, but I don’t know which came first. 

    One time was with a neighbour’s daughter. After watching Nollywood movies and seeing people humping, I got very curious and wanted to recreate what I’d seen on television. I was in primary school.

    The other time was when a boy in my neighbourhood and I were playing a game called “Mummy and Daddy”. It was this game where we imitated grownups. Sometimes we pretended to be a married couple, other times we pretended we were young people on a university campus. On one particular day, we acted out a kiss. It was the first time I kissed a boy but I didn’t really feel anything. It was just me acting out what I supposed adults enjoyed doing..

    When next did you have any sexual activity?

    The next time I kissed someone, I was 17. I remember asking this guy I liked how we were supposed to kiss, and he didn’t know either. My eyes were open for the duration of the kiss. In the middle of it, he opened his eyes and met mine shining. It was so awkward. I remember him actually screeching.

    LMFAO. And sex?

    I tried sex for the first time when I turned 20, but it didn’t quite go as planned.

    What happened?

    I was seeing a guy, and we decided we were going to have sex. When I got to his place, he pulled out some lube, put it on his finger and stuck it in my vagina. Nothing felt out of place until the lube started to burn. Like there was pepper inside my vagina. I asked him if it was normal. He said it wasn’t. Turned out that the lube had been expired for four months!

    I beg your pardon?

    I rinsed it off and it took another hour before we tried again. Then we met another problem — his penis couldn’t go in. Imagine trying to put your finger through the eye of a needle; that’s how it felt.

    A few months later, I found out — after googling my symptoms, of course — the condition I had was vaginismus.

    We tried and tried that day but ended up not having sex. Things with this guy ended soon after this. I remember thinking there was something wrong or I wasn’t aroused enough. Finding out about vaginismus really helped with getting past these thoughts.

    I’m so sorry about that. So how were you able to have sex for the first time?

    Practice and planning, my friend.

    After doing some research and finding out that dilation was a way to fix vaginismus, I started to try it. First with one finger, then I added more fingers. I also tried breathing techniques to help me calm down. Soon I could insert small anal dildos of varying sizes with little resistance.

    When I felt like I was ready, I planned to have sex with this guy I’d been seeing for a few months but had never had sex with. All we used to do was make out and sometimes I would perform.

    Perform?

    Oh yes, I enjoy strip teasing and doing sensual dances and being watched. Like burlesque dancers. I get so much pleasure from knowing that I’m the cause of my partner’s arousal. I love lingerie, so I usually wear them and just perform for my partners in person or over video calls. 

    If I had to equate the pleasure I feel from that I might just equate it to an orgasm.

    Interesting! So how was your first time?

    It was painful. Though I had been dilating myself with my fingers, a penis was a whole other ball game. Once we started, I felt a lot of pain but thankfully even before we started I’d been laughing so it helped me forget the pain.

    Laughing? Was the guy cracking jokes?

    Lol no. He had a football injury the day before we saw, so he had a cast around his leg and couldn’t walk well. When I came in, he was so horny and rushing and it was hilarious to watch. I figured if he had an injury he would at least take his time and ease into it. But I guess the wait made him too eager.

    It sha made me laugh, and I’m thankful for it because I don’t know how else I’d have gotten through that pain.

    When would you say sex stopped being painful?

    I think it was after the second time. My hymen tore, and it made things easier. The more I had sex, the less painful it became.

    So are you having sex more these days?

    Not really. I feel sexual attraction, but it’s usually few and far between. It doesn’t help that I also don’t just find random people sexually attractive; I have to have some emotional connection with them. But in my case, an emotional connection isn’t even a total guarantee. I once had this guy who I was seeing and really liked but in the two years that we were together, I think I found him sexually attractive on two occasions.

    There are times when I wish I didn’t experience sexual attraction at all, so I wouldn’t feel like I was missing out on something. So these days I inform potential partners that there’s a chance I won’t find them sexually attractive, and all I’ll want to do is kiss and cuddle but not have sex.

    What if they are sexually active?

    I’m fine with a sexually open relationship. My sex drive, even when I’m sexually attracted to a person, is not very high and there are these expectations with sex in a relationship that I don’t think I can keep up with anyway.

    I mean I can have sex with them but just as an activity. I’d be faking everything the entire time.

    The way I explain my experience with being ace is with hunger and appetite. Hunger is what you would call sex drive or arousal. Everyone can feel hungry (aroused). If you touch your clit, your body will respond; it doesn’t mean that you are attracted to anyone or trying to have sex with someone. For that, you will need appetite (sexual attraction).

    In my entire life, I’d say I’ve been attracted to five people. The first lasted for about eight months; the second was for two days; the third was for two weeks; the fourth was for two years and the fifth was for two months. I find that I just don’t have the appetite as much as other people.

    So how would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d say 6/10. It’s definitely above average because I was having good sex for two years with one of the five people I mentioned being attracted to earlier. But that ended. Now I know more about the things that work for me in sex but haven’t had a chance to explore because I don’t find anyone sexually attractive right now.

    Also, I’d like to state for the record that vaginismus sucks. I haven’t had sex in about two months and when I tried to masturbate recently, it was so painful.

    Edwin Madu

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  • Sex Life: I’m Afraid I’ll Never Have Sex

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 22-year-old heterosexual woman who not only has vaginismus, a condition that makes her vagina impenetrable, but also recently realised she is demisexual — unable to feel sexual attraction without a strong emotional bond.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    My first sexual experience wasn’t consensual. I was assaulted by my gateman when I was six.

    I’m so sorry. What was your first consensual experience?

    I know this is going to sound super corny, but my first consensual experience happened on Valentine’s Day when I was 16. It was a kiss, and it was with my boyfriend of two years. 

    Two years? Why did you guys wait so long for the first kiss?

    It was a long-distance relationship. We were in different schools and started dating when I was 14. I really liked him, and I remember wanting our first kiss to be special. In my head, that meant waiting until the most romantic day of the year to do it.

    LMAO. Was it, at least, a good kiss? 

    It was nice for me because it was with someone I really liked, but, according to him, it was an objectively terrible kiss. I was nervous, so I kept hitting his head and biting him. Still, I liked who it was with.

    Did it ever go beyond kissing?

    We dated for two more years, but the furthest we ever went was him touching my boobs whenever we made out. It never even crossed my mind for us to do more than that, and he never brought it up.

    Why did the relationship end?

    He was cheating on me, but I don’t really blame him. I mean, I wasn’t fulfilling him sexually, so it makes sense. I just wish he had actually told me instead of having to hear gist from other people. He was my first love, so it really hurt. 

    I’m sorry. What happened after him?

    I got a new boyfriend in university. I didn’t love him, and I wasn’t that attracted to him, but he was okay. I hadn’t gotten over my ex at the time, though it was nice having someone to kiss on the staircase. 

    Just kissing?

    Yeah. I didn’t even let him touch my boobs. He would always try to talk to me about porn and masturbation, but I would always shut it down. I wasn’t interested in having that conversation with him. We broke up after five months. 

    So, you weren’t interested in doing more than kissing?

    I wasn’t. I was 20 at the time and dry humping was the height of my sexual curiosity. For the longest time, I was waiting until marriage, but I later decided that I would be open to doing more when I finally found someone I really connected with. 

    Why was that connection so important to you?

    I found out I was demisexual while reading one of your Sex Life stories. I related to everything the guy was saying in the article. I can never fantasise about having sex with a stranger, no matter how good they look. 

    All I want to do is strike up a conversation. I need to connect intimately before I can even want to kiss someone. If not, I might as well be kissing a piece of cardboard. That’s why I hate playing ‘Truth or Dare’ at parties.

    Fair enough. So, did you find someone you connected with?

    Not at first. I have a lot of failed “talking stages” under my belt because once sex comes up, I immediately disengage. I was looking for something deeper, but guys weren’t hearing that one. 

    I tried dating one of my friends in my final year, but immediately he learnt that I wasn’t interested in sex, he shut me out. I didn’t get the memo that guys were just looking for who to press before graduating. 

    He would get so frustrated whenever we made out and I didn’t do more. I remember feeling his erection through his trousers, but I had no idea what to do with it. I had never even seen a penis in person before. He later dumped me over WhatsApp.

    Damn. So, when did you meet the guy you finally connected with?

    After I graduated, I met a guy on Twitter and we connected instantly. That was the second person I fell in love with. We were in different countries at the time, but we would talk every day for hours on end.

    I think it’s why I like long-distance relationships so much. They really give you the chance to connect without sex getting in the way. When we finally met in person, the sexual experience was fantastic because we had emotionally bonded.

    It was the first time I got head and gave head. I didn’t even know I could be that sexual.

    Did penetrative sex ever come up?

    It did, but he already knew my history. He knew I had never been fingered or even masturbated. So, we decided to have the conversation again in a year, but we broke up before we got the chance to. I guess he just couldn’t wait that long. 

    You’ve never masturbated? 

    Never. Everyone has told me to try it, but I literally can’t. Whenever anything tries to go in my vagina, I feel physically ill. It wasn’t until I watched Sex Education on Netflix that I realised I have vaginismus.

    I remember trying to put in a tampon for the first time in February and it didn’t work. So, I asked my friends to hold me down and try, but I started having spasms, headaches and chills.

    So, yeah, my sex life is currently non-existent. Until I can figure out how to treat the condition, I’m no longer giving men my number. There’s no point, and I’m not interested in explaining to anyone why I can’t sleep with them. It’s draining.

    Have you been able to talk to a doctor?

    Not yet. I’m still dependent on my parents, so I need to move out first and get my own money. I know that if I ask my parents to help, I’ll have to start explaining my sexual history. I don’t want to have to do that.

    That must be frustrating.

    It is. All I want right now is intimacy without sex, but it seems like I’m asking for too much. Even my aunty called me a tease when I told her about my situation, and that hurt my feelings. So, I’m no longer engaging with men until further notice.

    Have you tried therapy?

    I’ve considered it, but I’m really scared of unpacking everything that’s going on with me. I’m scared of what I’ll find when I finally open that box. My friend even offered to pay, but I’m just not ready.

    How do you feel about sex at this point in your life?

    I don’t care much for it. Since a lot of sex is centred around penetration, it just doesn’t interest me. Oral sex is the only kind of sex I like, but it has to be with someone I have a strong emotional connection with. 

    I started watching porn this year, but I can only watch the ones with people having oral sex. That being said, I don’t think about sex much. Sure, I worry that I might never have it because of the way I am, but it is what it is. 

    Wait. Why only oral sex porn?

    Even when it’s happening to someone else, penetration just looks painful. The sounds women make when they’re getting penetrated play like a cry for help in my head, so, no, I can’t watch that and get turned on.

    Fair enough. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    I’ll give it a -100. I’m hoping that when I get help and find someone on the same page as me emotionally, it might move up to a -99 and keep climbing from there. I know this will take a lot of time, and I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone patient enough for all that.

    NerdEfiko

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  • Sex Life: Living With A Vagina That Refuses To Be Penetrated

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual woman living with vaginismus, a condition that makes it impossible for her to have penetrative sex, undergo a gynaecological exam or even insert a tampon.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I remember being molested when I was 5 years old. My parents weren’t living together. I was staying with my mum, and she had a very good friend who often visited and dashed us money.

    One evening, he stopped by and my mum went to cook him dinner. He sat me on his lap and began fingering me. It was unbelievably painful, but because he’d been like a second father to me, I just assumed he knew what he was doing. It wasn’t until much later that I realised what had happened.

    I’m so sorry.

    He wasn’t the only one. My grandmother’s houseboy used to touch me and my cousin until we moved to Lagos. Unfortunately, it didn’t stop there. In Lagos, there was a guy who was living with us; he molested me every single day for three years — it started when I was 7 and ended when I was 10.

    I actually got addicted to it, and I hated myself so much because of that. It got so bad that I even started begging him to touch me. When he finally left, I went through serious withdrawal. Family friends would come over and I’d try to get them to touch me — some agreed and some ignored me. 

    Damn. When did you end up having your first consensual experience?

    I attempted sex with my first boyfriend when I was 16. I always thought I was just scared of having sex, like the normal fear that comes with being a virgin. Everything I’d read about sex made it clear that my first time was going to be painful.

    But every time my boyfriend attempted to insert anything into my vagina — from his finger to his penis — it was a huge problem. After six months of failed attempts, we broke up because he said I was useless. He started dating my friend and I almost died.  

    That’s awful. What exactly was the problem?

    The thing is, I was so scared of penetration that I couldn’t even open my legs. Whenever I attempted to open up, it felt like someone was shooting me in my vagina — that’s the only way I can articulate the pain. I eventually tried to insert my own finger and I couldn’t get past the opening.

    When did you realise what was wrong?

    It was totally random. In 2017, I was scrolling through Twitter and I saw a retweet about vaginismus. I thought it sounded interesting, so I opened the thread and found so many African-American women talking about their symptoms, specifically the pain of penetration. 

    I was shocked. It felt like they were describing my reality. I immediately went to google the term and that’s when I realised what had been wrong with me for so long. So, I started looking for treatments in Lagos, and I couldn’t find anything. There was just a lot of misinformation.

    Did you eventually find someone that could help?

    Yeah, I did, but it was such a hassle. I had a vaginal infection in 2017 and I told my mum. So, she took me to a hospital to get tested. When we got there, they tried to do an exam, which required me to have something inserted into my vagina. 

    I tried to explain to the doctor that I had vaginismus and it wouldn’t be able to enter, but he didn’t know what I was talking about. He eventually agreed to bring something much smaller — about the size of a needle — but when they tried to insert it, I began screaming. It was agonising. 

    When I turned in tears, I could see the shock on my mother’s face. The ride back home was completely silent. She later asked what the problem was, and I told her everything — from the times I was molested, to the condition I’d been struggling with.

    How did she react?

    She asked why I’d never told her, but in my head, I was like, ‘We’ve never had that kind of relationship’. My mother is super conservative, especially when it comes to sex, so I just didn’t feel comfortable sharing this issue with her. 

    Anyway, she suggested that we reach out to my cousin, who is a doctor in Australia. When we got in touch with him, he said it wasn’t a problem, but that we shouldn’t bother treating it until I’m ready for marriage.

    EXCUSE ME?

    Yup. I was so upset. I decided to double down on finding solutions myself. I started looking for therapists and I eventually found one on Twitter. I reached out to her, and she referred me to a male doctor who apparently had more experience with my condition. 

    I went to meet him, and it didn’t take long for me to realise that he just wanted to manipulate and dupe me. He would touch me inappropriately, claiming that my condition was because I was single, and he wanted to stand in as a boyfriend for me. 

    I was really desperate at that point, so I decided that I would do whatever it took to get rid of the condition. Then he asked me to pay N100,000 all at once to, in his words, “build morale” — this didn’t include the N20,000 I had already paid for the consultation. 

    Did you pay him?

    Hell no. I couldn’t imagine paying someone that much to basically assault me. He was actually texting me as if we were dating, and the worst part was that he wasn’t even saying anything helpful about fixing my condition. So, I just blocked the creep.

    What happened after that?

    The whole situation really got to me. I became suicidal because I felt very unwanted and unloved. Luckily, I stumbled upon The Vaginismus Network, a community of women with the same condition, and I reached out to them. Even though they weren’t in Africa, they were very supportive and they inspired me to keep fighting. 

    So, I decided to reach out to my cousin again and told him that if he didn’t help me this time, my blood would be on his hands. He quickly found a female therapist for me. I booked a session with her, and we immediately connected. She had dealt with something similar, so she was very understanding.

    So you’re currently getting treatment?

    Yeah. There’s been really great progress. I was able to put a finger in recently, with the help of A LOT of lubrication. My therapist explained that my vagina most likely collapsed because of the trauma of my assault. 

    Apparently, there’s isn’t a direct cause. It happens to a lot of women for a variety of reasons. My therapist went through something similar, but hers was secondary vaginismus — she had it after giving birth to her second child. 

    That really helped me bond with her. That she was able to overcome it gave me some hope. That’s what pushed me to try putting a finger, and I was so excited that it went in, even though it was still extremely painful. 

    Has there been any more progress?

    Yeah. After my vagina got comfortable with my index finger, I moved to my middle finger. I also got dilators — a tube-shaped device that’s used to stretch the vagina.

    They come in different sets, increasing in size and length based on the phase, and I’m already up to the fourth phase. I was even able to insert tampons for the first time this year. 

    What dilators look like.

    That’s incredible. Have you been involved with anyone through all this?

    Before I started seeing my therapist, I’d sworn off men. My breaking point was when I told a guy that sex wasn’t on the table and he blocked me. I told another one and he just ghosted me. Thankfully, I’ve finally found a guy that totally understands and is comfortable with taking things at my own pace. 

    So, what’s your sex life like at the moment?

    Given the circumstances, it’s pretty great. I’m much more comfortable with my condition, and I’ve learnt that penetrative sex isn’t the only form of sex. Foreplay is sex. Oral sex is sex. As long as I orgasm, I’m good. Plus, there’s no guarantee that once I’m able to have penetrative sex it will make me orgasm.

    So, yeah, I’m very comfortable with my sex life and the guy I’m with. We are constantly trying different things. I recently started allowing him to finger me, but we still haven’t gone all the way. I’m sure if I continue with therapy, that will happen soon enough. I just hope that after all this, it’s as great as people paint it to be. 

    What about self-pleasure? Did your condition affect that?

    I’ve actually been masturbating since I was 10. After the guy that molested me left and I was dealing with withdrawal symptoms, I discovered that touching myself was also an option. I didn’t even know it was masturbation at that point, I just knew I enjoyed it.

    So, it wasn’t because of my condition that I was masturbating, but it definitely helped me deal with what I was going through. I think it might have even ruined me because it’s now harder for men to make me orgasm through clitoral stimulation. 

    I know my body really well, and I’ve found that a lot of men are not patient. They just go off what they see on porn, without bothering to communicate with their partner. So, I have no choice but to continue to help myself.

    Did you ever consider trying anal sex in lieu of vaginal sex?

    Oh nah. Many people have told me that anal sex is very painful, and pain is part of the problem. I think I will eventually try it, once I’m able to cross this vaginismus bridge. But I’m definitely more open to the possibility of trying it than I’ve ever been.

    Is there anything you’re looking forward to trying once your condition has been treated?

    Ever since I watched 50 Shades of Grey, I’ve been looking to getting spanked, choked and having those vaginal balls inserted into me. I also want to peg my partner. I don’t know why Nigerian men aren’t open to pegging.

    Honestly, I don’t think my destiny is tied to Nigerian men. They can be so close-minded. Hopefully, my partner will be open to it. I actually like a bit of sexual violence — being slapped and spat on. Basically, I want to be dominated. 

    I’d also like to sleep with a woman. I remember watching lesbian porn and seeing them scissor each other. I think I’d love that clit-to-clit action. I’m not even bisexual, I just know I want to try it at least once. At this point, I want to try it all.

    How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    I’d give it a 5 because it’s not as adventurous as I’d like it to be. Hopefully, when penetrative sex is on the table it’ll become a lot more interesting. My partner and I are trying, but I know it could be much better. 

    NerdEfiko

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