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Talk True is a Zikoko limited series for medical myth-busting. With each episode, we’ll talk to medical professionals about commonly misunderstood health issues to get the actual facts.
Our society’s obsession with vaginas should be the stuff of documentaries at this point. Every market day, you’ll find at least one person sharing their two cents about how a woman with a high body count is more likely to have a loose vagina.
If it’s not that, it’s people touting the wonders of “vagina tightening” creams to battle loose vaginas. It definitely begs the question: Can “too much” sex really loosen a vagina, or is this widespread belief just a myth? Dr Mary Alo provides answers.
Can the vagina even get loose?
To understand where the conversation about sex and loose vaginas may have started, it’s important to know if the vagina can even be said to become loose. Mary explains that it can feel less elastic.
“The vagina is a distensible fibromuscular organ or tube that extends from the cervix to the vulva. In simple terms, it contains muscles which allow it to stretch and lengthen during sexual intercourse and return to its regular length and width after. It’s highly elastic, and some factors like ageing, which comes with lower oestrogen levels, can cause the vagina to become drier and less elastic.”
So, technically, “loose” isn’t the accurate term, as the vagina doesn’t completely lose its stretch. It just becomes less elastic than before.
So, can sex loosen it?
No. Mary confirms it’s physically impossible for penetration to make the vagina less elastic.
“Sex is not enough to destroy the muscles of the vagina to the point where it loses its elasticity. It’s simply incapable.”
Here’s how it works: The vagina’s anatomy allows it to get lubricated and naturally expand when aroused to accommodate a penis or sex toy. Immediately after intercourse, the vagina returns to its regular state.
What factors can contribute to a loose vagina?
Mary explains that only two factors can alter the vagina’s elasticity: Childbirth and age.
“During childbirth, the muscles of the vagina stretch considerably to accommodate the baby’s size, and this typically results in weakened vaginal muscles. But even then, the muscles go back to normal in about 6 – 12 weeks. However, things like multiple childbirth and trauma during delivery may weaken the muscles even more and increase the risk for the muscles to start losing stretch.
For ageing, as I explained earlier, oestrogen levels dip when women become menopausal, which in turn affects vaginal elasticity.”
Ageing is also associated with a weakened pelvic floor, as a result of decreased collagen production; a structural protein that serves as the main component of the body’s connective tissues. The pelvic floor contains muscles that strengthen the vagina, so when they become weak, the vagina is unable to stretch and relax as it normally should, making it less elastic.
Can the vagina become “tight” again?
We’ve determined that the vagina doesn’t exactly become “loose”, so it can’t be said to be “tight” either, unless you’re talking about vaginismus.
However, you can strengthen the muscles around the vagina to help elasticity and enable it to contract/stretch and relax as it should.
“In the event that childbirth contributes to weakened vaginal muscles, exercises like kegels help strengthen the pelvic floor, and tighten the muscles around the vagina. They’re also the safest option.
For ageing, therapy options like providing synthetic hormones to postmenopausal women help. In some cases, more advanced procedures like laser and radiofrequency tightening and vaginoplasty may be advised. However, these have a certain level of risk and should only be done by licensed medical practitioners.
In response to whether the “vagina tightening” creams and gels marketed by so-called wellness experts work as well, Mary responds in the negative.
“What most of these creams and gels do is dry out the mucosal lining of the vagina, thereby decreasing lubrication. Without lubrication, there’d be more friction during intercourse which gives the false sense that the vagina is tighter. The vagina stretches to accommodate the penis with help from lubrication. If that’s absent, users of these creams may experience temporary swelling of the vaginal tissues from friction which is termed to be “tightening” but is short-lived.
Some of these creams also have astringent qualities that tighten the vaginal walls for a short time, but it’s not a permanent option. It’s also unsafe because it can result in pain and micro tears in the vagina, leaving it vulnerable to infection and inflammation”.
This should be your reaction if anyone tries to sell it to you
The takeaway
No amount of penetrative sex can loosen the vagina, whether with multiple sexual partners or one. The only factors that can make the vagina lose its elasticity are childbirth and age. Even then, there are options to improve elasticity, and kegel exercises are the safest bet. So, if anyone makes a claim about a woman’s vagina being “wide” because she’s had many partners, feel free to hit them *figuratively* with facts.
First, let’s agree that it’s unrealistic to expect any vagina to smell like scented candles and flowers. It already has a natural smell which is normal and varies from woman to woman. You should only give two cents about how your vagina smells when something seems to be…off or weird about it.
If it smells fishy, cheesy, fermented, sour, metallic, like onion, garlic, sweet, or even like rotten eggs, these could be the possible reasons.
1. Your body is just body-ing
Sometimes, there’s no plausible explanation for how the body chooses to function. So, it’s probably nothing to worry about.
2. Your underwear has known better days
It’s a good idea to change your undies as often as you change your weaves, especially if you have a history of vaginal infections. Also, preferably, ditch silk or polyester and embrace cotton panties.
3. Your clean-up game is zero
Ideally, you should wipe after peeing to prevent urine build-up on your underwear as this can cause a vaginal smell.
4. It’s something you ate
What you give your body in terms of diet is what you get on the outside. So, if you eat lots of onion and garlic, it’ll most likely impact how your vagina smells.
5. The bathroom is the least visited room in your house
After a long day spent at work, outings, the gym or wherever, it’s only hygienic that you should have a refreshing bath. This can help prevent not just vaginal, but body odour as well.
6. It’s that time of the month……or close
Yes, your period. During your menstrual cycle, a lot of hormonal changes take place your the body. Plus your blood contains iron, which is responsible for the metallic smell you might notice at that time of the month or even a couple of days after. So don’t freak out.
7. You have an unhealthy relationship with pads/tampons
Using one sanitary pad for twenty four hours is not really a bad bitch move. Even if you don’t experience heavy flow, you should change your pad often. Not just for hygiene sake, but to maintain a healthy vagina.
8. You had unprotected sex
According to HealthLine, when your vagina comes in contact with semen and sweat, your pH level can become imbalanced, causing it to smell off.
9. Something is stressing you out
Emotions affect your body in more ways than you think, especially love, anger and anxiousness. At such times, your body secrets fluids that can cause an unsexy smell when they mix with the bacteria in your vagina. So, drink water and keep stress at bay.
10. You have an infection
It could be a yeast, bacterial or sexually transmitted infection. One way to guess is if your vagina smells fishy or your discharge is yellow, grey or green. To be sure, see a doctor ASAP as swallowing antibiotics just won’t do in the long run.
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The vagina is such a complex organ. Anyone who has one can testify. Here’s a list of things you should know about the vagina.
1. Your vagina contains a combination of yeast and bacteria
Your vagina naturally contains a balanced combination of yeast and bacteria. The bacteria works to keep the yeast from overgrowing. Yeast infections happen when but that balance is disrupted. The worst part is that a lot of things can affect this balance including antibiotics, pregnancy and even sex.
2. What you call your vagina could be your vulva.
Many people call the vulva the vagina. The vulva is made up of parts you can see like the clitoris, labia, urethra and vaginal opening while the vagina is an elastic canal that runs from the cervix to your hymen.
3. The vagina is positioned at a 130-degree angle.
Contrary to popular opinion, tampons cannot get missing inside your vagina. It is medically impossible for it to do so as the opening at the top of your vagina is too small for it to go through.
This is called arousal non-concordance, which describes situations where you are being stimulated but you are not wet or when you are not being stimulated and you get wet. It can be caused by a number of factors including stress and trauma.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old heterosexual woman who has never had penetrative sex because she’s embarrassed by the way her vagina looks. She talks about having to rely on just masturbation for her sexual gratification.
What was your first-ever sexual experience?
I was 11 the first time I watched porn. I had a slightly older cousin who always brought over a bunch of “blue film” VHS tapes whenever he visited, and my grandmother’s aunty — not sure what to call her — would watch them with him.
One day, I stayed home from school because I was sick and ended up watching it with them. They thought I was sleeping, but my eyes were open. That’s when my grandmother’s aunty started telling my cousin about her past sexual experiences.
She said whenever they went to the river as young girls, they would go to the part where the waterfall was gushing and put their private parts in front of it. She said it was good enough to replace a man.
Omo. I don’t even know where to start.
LMAO. After that day, I found out where my cousin hid the tapes, so I started watching them a lot. It was in one of them that I saw a woman using a showerhead to masturbate, and I immediately remembered the waterfall story.
So, when I took my bath that evening, I used the showerhead on myself and loved it.
How often did you do it?
Not very often because I started feeling religious guilt. I had just received my first holy communion as a catholic, so whenever I did it, I would have to go for confession. Then I went to boarding school, and there weren’t any showerheads.
What was your first experience with another person?
My first kiss was with a girl. I went to an all-girls school in my senior year, and I remember dancing with one of my classmates. We kept moving in closer and, for some reason, we just kissed. There was no tongue though.
The first person I kissed with tongue was a boy. I was in 100L, and it was very bad. He shoved his tongue down my throat, bit my lower lip and hit his teeth against mine. My lip and gum were bleeding. I remember crying when I got back to the hostel.
Damn. That sounds horrible.
Yup. I was really expecting some Cinderella-type kiss. No such luck.
What about sex?
I was legitimately terrified of getting pregnant, so sex wasn’t even up for discussion.
Why were you so terrified?
For some context, I was abused when I was seven years old. I didn’t mention it earlier because I don’t consider it a “sexual experience”. Anyway, while I was in the hospital, following the abuse, one of my aunties came to see my mother and me.
She told my mother that girls who get abused as young as I did always grow up to be ashewos because they already know how it feels to be touched by a man. She said I was now more likely to get pregnant early because I would be promiscuous.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Yup. My mum was very young at the time. She was in university when I got abused, and she felt so guilty that she almost dropped out. I was just a child, but I could see how my aunty’s words were getting to her.
My mum cried so much, even long after my aunty had left. So, I made a vow to myself, right there in the hospital, that I wouldn’t get pregnant. I wanted to prove my aunty wrong and make my mother proud.
I was horny all the time in secondary school, but I was too scared of getting pregnant to ever jump fence and collect dick. Even when my mates would do it and come back to testify, I just stuck to masturbating.
Wow. How long did your resolve last?
I was still afraid of having sex when I got to university, but I had this roommate who told me all the fun things I could do without penetration, from fondling to oral sex. So, when I met this guy I liked in 200L, he became the first person I experimented with.
I made it clear that I didn’t want penetrative sex, so we only made out and fondled each other. I never allowed him to take my underwear off because I was scared of crossing that boundary. He would always beg to put just the tip in, but I never let him.
He eventually got so frustrated that he freed me.
What happened after him?
I got a boyfriend a few months later, and he was the first person I let take my underwear off. I remember exactly how he reacted when he saw my vagina for the first time. He stepped back in shock, and I just had to pretend as if I didn’t notice.
He now used style to move to my breast and pull my underwear back up. I remember freezing on the bed and wanting to cry. We continued making out, and he got so into the moment that he pulled it back down and fingered me. I guess he got over the shock.
Wait. Why was he so shocked in the first place?
I think the manner in which I was abused as a child altered the way my vagina looks. It wasn’t penetrative abuse, but he used to pull at my labia and play with it. That caused my labia minora to become larger than my labia majora.
Since I started watching porn at a pretty young age, I had seen what a vagina was meant to look like — the labia minora was always tucked in and perfect — but mine looked nothing like that.
Then when I went to secondary school, girls didn’t waste any time telling me how ugly my vagina looked. It became so bad that I would wait for everyone to finish before I took my bath. I always got punished for being late, but it was better than being made fun of.
Wow. I’m so sorry. So, what happened with that boyfriend?
The next day, when he came to pick me to go watch a movie, he asked me if I smoked. Apparently, my vagina looked like I had been smoking and doing stuff for years. He was basically saying I had the vagina of an ashewo.
I got angry, cancelled our date and stayed home crying for the rest of the day. That was the last time I ever showed anyone my vagina. Even now, I never make out with the lights on.
Damn. How has this affected your sex life?
After that experience with my boyfriend, I became insecure about taking my clothes off in front of him. He eventually got tired and cheated on me, so we broke up. For the rest of my early 20s, I limited all my sexual activity to dry humping and masturbating.
Whenever a guy indicated any interest in me, I would make it clear that penetration was off the table. I became very good at dry humping and giving hand jobs, and that’s all I did until I graduated.
Did you date anyone again?
No, but I did meet a guy I had a mad crush on. He wasn’t fine like that, but there was something about him. Every time he talked to me and touched me, I wouldn’t be able to stop imagining how great he would be in bed.
He had a girlfriend, so I knew I couldn’t make a move at the time. They broke up, but during a pool party we all attended, I coincidentally shared a shower stall with her and caught a glimpse of her vagina. It was perfect, like pornstar perfect.
I immediately felt insecure. I couldn’t imagine him going from her perfect vagina to mine, so I withdrew. He kept trying to make a move, but I wasn’t being responsive. He also moved on, and I felt so bad. I ended up becoming a bit obsessed with him.
Obsessed? How so?
He started dating someone else, and I was actively stalking both of them on social media, waiting to hear that they’d broken up so I could swoop in. I would even masturbate to his image in anticipation of their break up.
At this point, the fear of pregnancy was no longer the reason I was not having sex; I was saving myself for this man. I wanted him to be my first penetrative experience. He was all I could think about.
Omo. Were you, at least, hooking up with other people?
Yeah. I met this guy during a work event and we clicked. He made me feel very comfortable, and he ended up being the first person to ever give me head. The lights were off, of course, but I was still scared he’d notice how it looked.
Not sure if he didn’t notice or care, but he didn’t react. He just got straight to work, and it was amazing. I gave him head too — I had watched a lot of porn in anticipation — and he came. I was very proud of myself, considering it was my first time.
So, we became friends with benefits, but we never had penetrative sex.
You were still waiting for that guy and his babe to break up?
Yeah. Then I heard that they had gotten engaged, and I was heartbroken. This news, coupled with the fact that I had just lost my job and was about to turn 30, made me become very depressed. I couldn’t stop crying.
When I told my friend what was going on, she got worried and invited me to come to stay at her place. She and her husband were very accommodating. I was their guest for about a month, and it ended up changing my sex life.
Ah. How? A threesome?
LMAO. No. One day, while I was helping my friend get something from her room, I spotted a small sex toy among her belongings. Immediately everyone had left for work, I went back for it, googled how to use it and got to work.
This was the first time something was penetrating me, so I had to use a lot of lube. It was a bit uncomfortable at first, but it still felt amazing. I increased the intensity of the vibration, and it was mind-blowing. I came a few minutes later.
Did you use it again?
I kept using it every day until the lube had reduced to an amount I thought she would have noticed. When I returned home, I needed to buy my own sex toy — my hands were no longer enough for me.
I was scared of using my ATM card to buy online because I didn’t want it to show on my account. So, I travelled to Abuja to go buy it. I lied I was going to look for a job, but I knew the real reason.
I came back with a bunch of toys. At the time, I was living with my mum. I knew I couldn’t comfortably use my toys in her house and that motivated me to move out. I was still broke and jobless, but I found a way.
LMAO. Wow. I have to hail your conviction.
See, I was ready. On my 30th birthday, I bought 3 packs of Chicken Republic rice and spent the entire day masturbating. I took a break to go see my mother, but I ran back and continued masturbating until the next morning.
Damn. So, what’s your sex life like now?
It’s just a lot of masturbating. I’m still insecure about how my vagina looks, and now, I have added a lot of weight, so I’m insecure about my body too. I’m just focused on my toys. They satisfy me, and one of them even made me squirt.
So you don’t want a relationship?
Of course, I do. As much as my toys satisfy me, I would still like to be held after I come. That being said, I’m scared. I’m scared of how obsessed I became with that crush; I’m scared that I’m not wife material; I’m scared that no man will ever like my body.
I’m sorry. Do you think you’ll ever try to have penetrative sex?
I have a dream of saving enough money to get surgery that will fix the way my vagina looks. I’m currently broke and jobless, so I don’t know if that will happen anytime soon, but if it does, then I’ll be confident enough to try penetrative sex.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I’ll give it an 8 because what you don’t know won’t kill you. I’ve never had any fulfilling sexual experience with the opposite sex. All I know are my hands and my toys, and they have been good to me.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual woman living with vaginismus, a condition that makes it impossible for her to have penetrative sex, undergo a gynaecological exam or even insert a tampon.
What was your first sexual experience?
I remember being molested when I was 5 years old. My parents weren’t living together. I was staying with my mum, and she had a very good friend who often visited and dashed us money.
One evening, he stopped by and my mum went to cook him dinner. He sat me on his lap and began fingering me. It was unbelievably painful, but because he’d been like a second father to me, I just assumed he knew what he was doing. It wasn’t until much later that I realised what had happened.
I’m so sorry.
He wasn’t the only one. My grandmother’s houseboy used to touch me and my cousin until we moved to Lagos. Unfortunately, it didn’t stop there. In Lagos, there was a guy who was living with us; he molested me every single day for three years — it started when I was 7 and ended when I was 10.
I actually got addicted to it, and I hated myself so much because of that. It got so bad that I even started begging him to touch me. When he finally left, I went through serious withdrawal. Family friends would come over and I’d try to get them to touch me — some agreed and some ignored me.
Damn. When did you end up having your first consensual experience?
I attempted sex with my first boyfriend when I was 16. I always thought I was just scared of having sex, like the normal fear that comes with being a virgin. Everything I’d read about sex made it clear that my first time was going to be painful.
But every time my boyfriend attempted to insert anything into my vagina — from his finger to his penis — it was a huge problem. After six months of failed attempts, we broke up because he said I was useless. He started dating my friend and I almost died.
That’s awful. What exactly was the problem?
The thing is, I was so scared of penetration that I couldn’t even open my legs. Whenever I attempted to open up, it felt like someone was shooting me in my vagina — that’s the only way I can articulate the pain. I eventually tried to insert my own finger and I couldn’t get past the opening.
When did you realise what was wrong?
It was totally random. In 2017, I was scrolling through Twitter and I saw a retweet about vaginismus. I thought it sounded interesting, so I opened the thread and found so many African-American women talking about their symptoms, specifically the pain of penetration.
I was shocked. It felt like they were describing my reality. I immediately went to google the term and that’s when I realised what had been wrong with me for so long. So, I started looking for treatments in Lagos, and I couldn’t find anything. There was just a lot of misinformation.
Did you eventually find someone that could help?
Yeah, I did, but it was such a hassle. I had a vaginal infection in 2017 and I told my mum. So, she took me to a hospital to get tested. When we got there, they tried to do an exam, which required me to have something inserted into my vagina.
I tried to explain to the doctor that I had vaginismus and it wouldn’t be able to enter, but he didn’t know what I was talking about. He eventually agreed to bring something much smaller — about the size of a needle — but when they tried to insert it, I began screaming. It was agonising.
When I turned in tears, I could see the shock on my mother’s face. The ride back home was completely silent. She later asked what the problem was, and I told her everything — from the times I was molested, to the condition I’d been struggling with.
How did she react?
She asked why I’d never told her, but in my head, I was like, ‘We’ve never had that kind of relationship’. My mother is super conservative, especially when it comes to sex, so I just didn’t feel comfortable sharing this issue with her.
Anyway, she suggested that we reach out to my cousin, who is a doctor in Australia. When we got in touch with him, he said it wasn’t a problem, but that we shouldn’t bother treating it until I’m ready for marriage.
EXCUSE ME?
Yup. I was so upset. I decided to double down on finding solutions myself. I started looking for therapists and I eventually found one on Twitter. I reached out to her, and she referred me to a male doctor who apparently had more experience with my condition.
I went to meet him, and it didn’t take long for me to realise that he just wanted to manipulate and dupe me. He would touch me inappropriately, claiming that my condition was because I was single, and he wanted to stand in as a boyfriend for me.
I was really desperate at that point, so I decided that I would do whatever it took to get rid of the condition. Then he asked me to pay N100,000 all at once to, in his words, “build morale” — this didn’t include the N20,000 I had already paid for the consultation.
Did you pay him?
Hell no. I couldn’t imagine paying someone that much to basically assault me. He was actually texting me as if we were dating, and the worst part was that he wasn’t even saying anything helpful about fixing my condition. So, I just blocked the creep.
What happened after that?
The whole situation really got to me. I became suicidal because I felt very unwanted and unloved. Luckily, I stumbled upon The Vaginismus Network, a community of women with the same condition, and I reached out to them. Even though they weren’t in Africa, they were very supportive and they inspired me to keep fighting.
So, I decided to reach out to my cousin again and told him that if he didn’t help me this time, my blood would be on his hands. He quickly found a female therapist for me. I booked a session with her, and we immediately connected. She had dealt with something similar, so she was very understanding.
So you’re currently getting treatment?
Yeah. There’s been really great progress. I was able to put a finger in recently, with the help of A LOT of lubrication. My therapist explained that my vagina most likely collapsed because of the trauma of my assault.
Apparently, there’s isn’t a direct cause. It happens to a lot of women for a variety of reasons. My therapist went through something similar, but hers was secondary vaginismus — she had it after giving birth to her second child.
That really helped me bond with her. That she was able to overcome it gave me some hope. That’s what pushed me to try putting a finger, and I was so excited that it went in, even though it was still extremely painful.
Has there been any more progress?
Yeah. After my vagina got comfortable with my index finger, I moved to my middle finger. I also got dilators — a tube-shaped device that’s used to stretch the vagina.
They come in different sets, increasing in size and length based on the phase, and I’m already up to the fourth phase. I was even able to insert tampons for the first time this year.
What dilators look like.
That’s incredible. Have you been involved with anyone through all this?
Before I started seeing my therapist, I’d sworn off men. My breaking point was when I told a guy that sex wasn’t on the table and he blocked me. I told another one and he just ghosted me. Thankfully, I’ve finally found a guy that totally understands and is comfortable with taking things at my own pace.
So, what’s your sex life like at the moment?
Given the circumstances, it’s pretty great. I’m much more comfortable with my condition, and I’ve learnt that penetrative sex isn’t the only form of sex. Foreplay is sex. Oral sex is sex. As long as I orgasm, I’m good. Plus, there’s no guarantee that once I’m able to have penetrative sex it will make me orgasm.
So, yeah, I’m very comfortable with my sex life and the guy I’m with. We are constantly trying different things. I recently started allowing him to finger me, but we still haven’t gone all the way. I’m sure if I continue with therapy, that will happen soon enough. I just hope that after all this, it’s as great as people paint it to be.
What about self-pleasure? Did your condition affect that?
I’ve actually been masturbating since I was 10. After the guy that molested me left and I was dealing with withdrawal symptoms, I discovered that touching myself was also an option. I didn’t even know it was masturbation at that point, I just knew I enjoyed it.
So, it wasn’t because of my condition that I was masturbating, but it definitely helped me deal with what I was going through. I think it might have even ruined me because it’s now harder for men to make me orgasm through clitoral stimulation.
I know my body really well, and I’ve found that a lot of men are not patient. They just go off what they see on porn, without bothering to communicate with their partner. So, I have no choice but to continue to help myself.
Did you ever consider trying anal sex in lieu of vaginal sex?
Oh nah. Many people have told me that anal sex is very painful, and pain is part of the problem. I think I will eventually try it, once I’m able to cross this vaginismus bridge. But I’m definitely more open to the possibility of trying it than I’ve ever been.
Is there anything you’re looking forward to trying once your condition has been treated?
Ever since I watched 50 Shades of Grey, I’ve been looking to getting spanked, choked and having those vaginal balls inserted into me. I also want to peg my partner. I don’t know why Nigerian men aren’t open to pegging.
Honestly, I don’t think my destiny is tied to Nigerian men. They can be so close-minded. Hopefully, my partner will be open to it. I actually like a bit of sexual violence — being slapped and spat on. Basically, I want to be dominated.
I’d also like to sleep with a woman. I remember watching lesbian porn and seeing them scissor each other. I think I’d love that clit-to-clit action. I’m not even bisexual, I just know I want to try it at least once. At this point, I want to try it all.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I’d give it a 5 because it’s not as adventurous as I’d like it to be. Hopefully, when penetrative sex is on the table it’ll become a lot more interesting. My partner and I are trying, but I know it could be much better.
