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Uber | Zikoko!
  • Hockey Failed Him And Now He’s Driving For Uber: A Week In The Life

    A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.


    The subject of today’s “AWITL” used to be a professional hockey player but that didn’t work out. Now, he’s a driver on Uber. He talks about using his rent money to pay for the car he drives, living out of his car, and trusting God for his future.

    MONDAY:

    The only person that can make my car go anywhere on Monday is God. Outside of him, no matter what’s happening, my car no dey leave where I park am on Monday.

    Monday is my day off because I can’t come and kill myself. I chose this day because it’s normally tight and everyone in Lagos is rushing. While people are on the road struggling, I’m resting.  And while they’re resting, I’m working. I’ve scheduled my timetable such that I work from Tuesday to Sunday and I’m okay with it. 

    As a result, I spent my time today washing my car and clothes — just chilling. 

    Thankfully, I’m not married nor do I have children so nobody disturbs me. 

    After finishing my tasks, I find something to put in my stomach and sleep. In the evening, I warm my car and check the oil and water levels.  

    At night, I mentally start preparing for work tomorrow. By 9 p.m., I’m asleep. 

    TUESDAY:

    On the days I’m working, I wake up by 3 a.m. and resume work at 4 a.m.

    Why? Because this country no balance. The earlier I start hustling, the more money I can make and the more I avoid holdup.

    It’s hard being a driver because everything is against you: Lagos traffic, passengers, bad roads and even yourself. This morning, my body refused to cooperate at 3:00 a.m. so I woke up around 3:55 a.m. The first thing I did after waking up was to brush my teeth and go online on the driver’s app. Because I was late, there was no time to baff.

    My first rider was going to Iyana-Ipaja so I cancelled the trip. Around this time, I only go to areas I’m familiar with. The next order was somewhere around Surulere so I accepted the trip. My procedure before picking a passenger in the morning is to call them to gauge their voice. If my spirit doesn’t like their voice, I cancel the trip. If they sound okay, I move. 

    In this life, you can’t be too careful. Last last we’re all in the hands of God but you also have to play your own part. Them still dey kill person wey get 1,000 security guards talkless of me that I’m alone. The only belief I have any time I go out is that God is with me. Apart from that, it’s purely instinct.

    After hearing the passenger’s voice, I went to pick them. I dropped them and did four more trips until around 7:00 a.m. when traffic started to build. 

    By this time, I had made some money so I decided to go have a bath. After that, my day properly began.

    WEDNESDAY:

    I’m looking at my account balance and I’m not happy. I’m doing hire purchase — instalment payments — for this car and after delivering money to my boss today, my account is empty. 

    I’m tired because I used the ₦200,000 I wanted to rent a house with to pay the initial deposit for this car. Now, the car has also become my house. I can’t pay rent and I don’t have money. But people will see me driving a car and be jealous. 

    They don’t know that my experience be like season film; too many things are happening.

    Every night, I go to my former area to park because I know it’s secure. I open my car windows and push my front seat down so I can lie on it. That’s how I’ve been sleeping every night for the past two months and I never die. 

    When I wake up in the morning, I go to my former house to use their toilet and bath before starting my day. Sometimes, I use the toilet inside banks or hotels. 

    I know that all this managing is just for a while. At least, until I finish paying for the car. No be say I dey lazy, na favour just never set. 

    THURSDAY:

    Today, I blame myself for being Nigerian. As you’re seeing me, I’m a professional hockey player with Lagos State. In fact, I also used to play football but I ran away because there was no money in it. In hockey, at least we used to get some stipends to hold body. If the government invested in athletics maybe I wouldn’t be a driver. 

    I’ve played many hockey tournaments from Lagos to Abuja. I’ve also won many medals and done a lot of training, yet, nothing to show for it. Last year, I was in training camp for almost twelve months before COVID-19 struck. That’s how all our plans scattered. To make matters worse, our executives embezzled our money. That’s how I suddenly found myself stranded.

    At that point, I had to tell everyone: “bro, captain, coach, I don’t want to train again. Don’t bother yourself calling me for camp. Don’t try it because I’m not doing again. When I’m financially stable, I’ll start my training again. Until then, nobody should call me.”

    All my talent is just wasting. I blame myself for being born in this type of country. 

    FRIDAY:

    I don’t mind driving because the work is okay. Sometimes you meet passengers who’ll treat you like a human being and relate with you. Other times, you’ll see the ones that will talk to you anyhow or insult you. 

    I take both of them with my chest. Na me know wetin I dey find and I have a goal. My biggest drive is that one day I’ll make it and become somebody in life. I no dey even think am too much because I know it’s for sure. That’s why I start today by praying and telling Baba God that he’s now in charge of my life. Me, I’m not doing again. 

    My problems may be bigger than me, but them no big pass God. The main thing on my mind is how I’ll pay off the ₦2.5M on my hire purchase. There’s also rent to think of after that one. Even if it’s a room self-contained, I’ll manage. There’s nothing like sleeping in your own house, on your own bed, under your own roof. Nothing beats having your own toilet to shit in without restrictions. Me, I’m not going to kill myself with overthinking. With the way I’m hustling I know I have no choice but to blow one day. 

    I’m turning 32 this year and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that this life no balance at all. But my own must balance.


    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

  • There are more than 23 million people living in Lagos. So how best do you decongest? Extort, sorry tax people! In the space of four days, the Lagos State government has come up with barrage of taxes aimed at sending everyone back to their villages. Here’s the tea:

    First, there is the new taxes on e-hailing companies. Techcabal has a full load down, but the long and short of it include the facts that:

    1. There is a blanket N10 million operating fee for every 1,000 e-hailing taxis – Think Uber, Bolt, etc. There’s also an annual renewal fee of N5 million.
    2. 10% of every transaction paid by every customer will also be collected as a service tax.

    Of course, who bears the brunt of those taxes, you guessed right, you.

    The State also announced that a 5% levy will be charged on all audio and visual contents produced and sold within the state. The Lagos State Film and Video Censors Board (LSFVCB) has given a one-month ultimatum to content creators, after which defaulters have been told they will severely sanctioned.

    WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

    Make no mistake, taxes are civic duties that must be discharged. In fact, research shows that civic engagement increases in societies with higher tax remittances. But what is particularly curious with Nigerian governments is the urge to milk the populace dry once they are in financially cash-strapped.It’s 2020. There’s been a pandemic for the literally the entire year. How about we brainstorm on how the already financially handicapped citizens can get back on their feet, and then see how we impose taxes on a wealthy populace. And we had the exact same issue with the NIPOST fee.

    But no, government get coconut head.

  • 13 Things Every Nigerian Who Uses Ride-Hailing Apps Will Get

    If you’re a Nigerian that uses ride-hailing apps like Uber and Bolt to get around, then you know that it comes with its own fair share of stress — from clueless drivers to unwarranted surges.

    Here are 13 things you have undoubtedly experienced:

    1. When you’re about to order a ride and you see a surge.

    Which scam is this again?

    2. You, switching through apps to find the cheapest ride:

    Even if it’s just N50 cheaper.

    3. When the driver that accepts is “completing another trip”.

    Why did you now give me this one?

    4. When the driver accepts your ride then refuses to move.

    Gombe state 100 computers

    What the hell?

    5. When the driver’s rating is lower than 4.0.

    Not today, Satan.

    6. “Hope it’s a cash trip.”

    Ugh. The worst.

    7. “What’s your destination?”

    Why does that matter, abeg?

    8. How they look at you when you sit at the back:

    No vex.

    9. When the driver starts trying to gist with you.

    Please, free me.

    10. When the driver is asking you for directions.

    Use your map oh.

    11. When the driver takes the longest possible route.

    What nonsense is this?

    12. You, calculating your fare when you get stuck in traffic.

    I’m dead.

    13. “Don’t forget my 5 stars.”

    Don’t stress me.

  • There is the one who never accepts card trips. Even if you are going from Ajah to Iyana-Ipaja.

    “Cash only ma, please cancel the trip”.

    The rude OG who doesn’t care about ratings anymore.

    He does whatever he wants. How can he give you the AUX cord when he is listening to the radio? Do you have manners?

    The newbie who starts begging you to rate him 5-stars even before he even drops you off.

    “Please ma don’t forget to rate me 5 stars, God bless you”

    The one who will give you his whole life story before the trip ends.

    Before you know it he’ll have given you his whole family background.

    Then there is the one who will take care of you as if you are his child.

    Do you want water? Have you eaten today? Is the A/C too much?

    The proud one who only drives on the island.

    “Sorry aunty I don’t go to the mainland”.

    The one who is really a pastor and is only driving as a side gig.

    As soon as you enter the car – “Have you heard the word of the Lord today?”

    The one who just refuses to use his map no matter how much you beg him.

    “Madam, I know this area well”. Next thing you know, you are on your way to Sango Otta instead of V.I.

    Then the one who doesn’t even know how to use the map at all.

    Everytime it’s – “Sorry sir it’s like my map is not working well today”

    The one who will do police style interrogation for you before they come and pick you up.

    Where are you going to? Is it card or cash trip? Is the road good? Is there traffic on your street?

    The one who is also running ten other businesses. And he’ll advertise all of them to you.

    “I also make shirts, and shoes too. If you need someone to print cards I can do it for you”.

    The one who never ever talks.

    If you like be in the car with him for three hours, he won’t even look at you.

    The one who will be two minutes away on the map but will use an hour to get to you.

    Whether they stopped to eat on the way or they got lost, you’ll never know.

    The one who will turn your trip into a job interview.

    “So what’s your name? How old are you? What did you study in school? What do you do for a living?”

    The one who always thinks he is in Fast and Furious.

    Oga please slow down don’t kill me before I get to my destination.

    The one who just moved into your city that week.

    “Sorry sir, please which one is third mainland bridge?” If you are a veteran Uber rider, we are pretty sure you’ve met everyone on this list. If you haven’t, how many have you met?
  • Ladies, This Is The Complete Guide To Hooking Up With Man (Uber Edition)

    1. Ladies, let’s be honest; a lot of us are single and searching.

    2. Even though some of you like to pretend you’re in a relationship; but are you really your bae’s bae?

    3. But it appears Nigerian girls are taking this search-for-bae game to another level!

    4. Babes are now hooking up and getting married to rich and fine Uber drivers.

    5. They say some Uber drivers are actually very rich, and just do the job because they’re bored.

    6. First of all, we have to stop ordering normal Ubers; Uber Black is the way forward, so gather your savings.

    7. And we can’t even order the Uber to places like clubs- it has to be church, mosque, weddings, schools and other responsible-looking places like that.

    8. In fact, when the Uber arrives, you have to chook your pride in your pocket and sit in front so you can form conversation face to face.

    9. Remember to check the driver’s hand for a ring; in short, if he has a ring, just cancel the stupid trip!

    10. Let your home training shine brightly during the trip, so they know you’re wife material, 100 yards.

    11. And when they try to prove stubborn by not asking for your number after the trip, make sure you run to give them.

    12. By the time you order the 10th Uber, you would have met Prince Charming for sure!

    13. And you can tell your village people to die, because their plans have failed!

    Just visit Naija Single Girl for more advice. They are experts in this field.
  • The Top 10 Places Lagos People Visit…A Lot
    This information came from Uber’s analysis of over 1 million rides taken since they launched in Lagos, and as their data sample obviously does not account for where people who ride the BRTs and Danfos go, this list is probably incomplete.

    1. The Palms Shopping Mall

    If you have money to shop here, you can ride in Ubers. Kontinu.

    2. Ikeja City Mall

    A lot like The Palms, but for mainland people.

    3. Adrenaline Sports Bar at The Four Points Sheraton

    And we’re right back to the Island…

    4. The Soul Lounge Lagos

    Island vs Mainland: 2-1.

    5. Eko Hotel And Suites

    Basically where all the Lagos bigz men and bigz women hang out, for business and pleasure.

    6. Radisson Blu Anchorage

    Lagosians who know what’s up know this is really here because of Hans and Rene gelato, but it’s okay.

    7. Lagos Oriental Hotel

    Another conference den.

    8. The Place Nightclub

    Isn’t this the place where one human was pouring alcohol over another human’s head? Seen.

    9. Lafayette Mall

    For those who weren’t keeping score, it’s now – Island vs Mainland: 7-2. Hian.

    10. Dream Plaza

    Another one for the Island? We demand a rematch. Or at least an explanation about why the Muritala Mohammed Airport is not on this list.
  • 12 Things That Are Too Real For Any Nigerian Who Has Ever Taken An Uber

    1. When you try to order a ride and there’s a surge.

    Not today, Satan!

    2. When your Uber driver completely misses your location.

    HAY GOD!

    3. When your ride pulls up and that first blast of AC hits you.

    YASSS!

    4. When the Uber driver starts treating you better than your boy/girlfriend.

    *starts deliberating breaking up*

    5. When the Uber driver won’t stop trying to make conversation.

    Okay. Yes. Yes.

    6. When you’re in an Uber and you encounter serious traffic.

    Your bank account: STOP! STOP!! Abort mission!!!

    7. When you’re riding in an Uber and you see your colleagues in a bus.

    *flips hair*

    8. When someone compliments you on ‘your car’ and you don’t bother correcting them.

    It’s my car for 45 minutes.

    9. When your Uber driver takes a different route and it’s longer.

    Who’s paying the difference, bruh?

    10. When your ride costs less than what a yellow cab would have cost.

    Give that man a raise!

    11. When Uber charges you an amount and your bank debits a higher amount from your account.

    Someone owes me money.

    12. When it’s time to rate your driver after a ride.

    *says to self* I’m basically a god now.