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  • 8 Twitter NG Behaviours We Don’t Want To See on Threads

    Elon Musk’s recent shakedown on Twitter sent users running to Donald Trump’s Truth Social, but a new competitor, Threads, has joined the conversation.

    8 Twitter NG Behaviours We Don’t Want To See on Threads

    Source: The Guardian

    Mark Zuckerberg’s Meta released Threads; an alternative to Twitter. As usual, Nigerians are already setting up camp in the Thread-verse and doing the things Nigerians do. The follow-trains have started and the catfishers are trying to get their follower-count up. God, abeg. While we can deal with these behaviours on Twitter, it’s going to be shege pro-max to experience the same on Threads. 

    Follow for Follow

    8 Twitter NG Behaviours We Don’t Want To See on Threads

    Almost everybody on Twitter NG wants that influencer bag but can we relax for a moment? That follow-train business should stop on Twitter. Threads allows you to automatically import your Instagram followers to the app, so maybe get your instagram following up. 

    IFB

    8 Twitter NG Behaviours We Don’t Want To See on Threads

    This can be so annoying, especially when you’re trying to get to the root of a trending gist in the comments. Zuckerberg should better have a Threads-jail to deal with the human bots fond of this spammy behaviour.

    Catfishing

    8 Twitter NG Behaviours We Don’t Want To See on Threads

    This is rampant on Twitter. The play is, men create accounts, use pictures of random pretty girls with the aim of gaining new followers and even gifts from thirsty men. Threads is in its early days, so better look before you leap so you don’t get catfished. 

    Fan wars

    8 Twitter NG Behaviours We Don’t Want To See on Threads

    They were pretty funny in the beginning days but things have gotten so toxic these days. Tweet an opinion about an artist and his minions will have your neck for it. It’s possible to love an artist and still criticize their work, please.

    Hijacking trending topics

    Imagine seeing Davido on the trend table only to click and see posts about perfume oil, ewa aganyin, ring light, etc. God abeg. We don’t need the vendors and small business owners bringing this behaviour to Threads.

    Ratio count

    If you’ve been long enough on Twitter you’ll be familiar with the words “Touch this ratio”. It’s a passive aggressive way of ignoring a smelling take, or one that just doesn’t align with popular opinion. It’s giving “cyberbullying” and we don’t want that in a new space.

    False retweet alarms

    Twitter influencers do this when they need engagement on their tweets. They jump on a trending story, make a post about it and add “Retweet Aggressively” like we can’t tell it’s the engagement they want. Please and respectfully, nothing of such on Threads. 

    Daniel Regha

    Twitter NG users have accepted Daniel Regha as the monster they made. Hopefully he doesn’t port to Threads and choke us with his unwarranted opinions on everything. Actually, knowing Regha, he’s probably criticizing Threads on Threads already.

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

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  • Interview with Twitter NG: “You people act without decorum.”

    As last week’s interview showed, chaos always finds Zikoko, although she might have invited it to her doorstep this week.

    Zikoko: *under breath* Finally. Welcome 

    Twitter NG: Hmm. Thank you, my dear. 

    *looks around* 

    You people don’t have chilled water or stout inside this your office?

    Zikoko: *points at the bottle of water on the table*

    Twitter NG: *picks and drops it with disgust*

    I said chilled, mortuary standard. I’ve been moving up and down since o. Selling market here, settling fight there, and these you people’s sun is too hot.

    *dabs sweat*

    You people don’t like AC in your office?

    Zikoko: Sorry. Sorry, to cut you short. But you’re Twitter?

    Twitter NG: Twitter is our family name, but people call me Ngo baby, NG for short.

    Zikoko: Okay, Miss NG

    Twitter NG: Remove the miss

    Zikoko: Mrs?

    Twitter NG: See, I don’t have time for this one, ask me your questions fast.

    *a notification sound comes from her bag*

    Ehehn, somebody just started another “women should be submissive” conversation.

    Zikoko: What is it about that?

    Twitter NG: Hmm, my dear. 10 is happening, but every day you people are arguing about the same thing and acting without decorum. Una no dey rest.

    Zikoko: Ah, we are not among, ma

    Twitter NG:  The people that fight “GenZ vs Millenial” wars on Monday. “Should you cook for your boyfriend or not?” on Wednesday. “Was your childhood traumatic or are you actually fine” on Thursday. my dream? Then the ones that come out to shout gender wars unprovoked on Saturday. Are they, not your people?

    Zikoko: Not all of them

    Twitter NG: It’s not like I’m angry like that o. You people are helping me meet my target. In fact, you are even helping my cousins, Eucharia of the UK and Austin bomboy of America, to meet their targets too.

    You people are trying small small, but you used to act one kind…

    Zikoko: The arguments?

    Twitter NG: No o. As you people have refused to change, I cannot do anything about that one. It’s this one where you people will be talking about one thing, you’ll now add like five different things that don’t concern what you’re talking about because other people are talking about it.

    *shakes head*

    It’s bad. In fact, Elozonam Mekus…

    Zikoko: You mean Elon Musk

    Twitter NG: *side eye*

    Zikoko: Sorry ma

    Twitter NG: Is he your oga, or my oga?

    Zikoko: I thought you were a family.

    Twitter NG: Did he tell you that his last name is Twitter?

    Zikoko: Sorry ma. You were saying?

    Twitter NG: How do I want to remember what I was saying again?

    Zikoko: Try ma

    Twitter NG: Ehen. You people used to do one kind.

    Zikoko: Which people?

    Twitter NG: You people now, all of you.

    Zikoko: Ma, please we don’t appreciate the generalizations.

    Twitter NG: Ahn ahn. What is that your name again?

    Zikoko: Zikoko ma

    Twitter NG: Do you use Twitter?

    Zikoko: Yes ma

    Twitter NG: *pulls out a tablet from her big ass bag*

    Zi-ko-ko… ehen, you’re among now. You’re one of those who start arguments.

    Zikoko: Conversations ma. We start conversations

    Twitter NG: See, we are talking about the same thing…

    Zikoko: Ma? Madam? Twi… Twitter

    Twitter NG: *jerks back to life*

    Sorry. Sorry, my dear. Sometimes, I’ll just freeze, I won’t be able to move for a while.

    *Her tablet starts blowing up with notifications* 

    Somebody cannot even have peace again.

    *She starts packing her things*

    Zikoko: You’re leaving already?

    Twitter NG: Shebi, you too you can see it. If it’s not fight I’m settling, it’s blue tick I’m selling. If they don’t turn me to a dating site, they’ll turn me into a courtroom. I’m just one person.

    Zikoko: Can we reschedule?

    Twitter NG: Reschedule where? My dear, the way you people are acting…

    Zikoko: *under breath* It’s not us

    Twitter NG: You may never see me again

    Zikoko: Ah, that won’t happen o

    Twitter NG: *turns to leave*

    Zikoko: Why does this keep happening to me? Miss Twitter?! Mama NG?!

    Twitter NG: It’s Ngo, Ngozichukwukariri for short.

    Chioma Munachi

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  • The People of Twitter NG vs Yetunde Gold

    Twitter NG has never been known to take things lying down, especially when that thing is a possible lie or half-truth about speaking at the United Nations. The opposing party has held six Twitter spaces to defend her honour, but the people still aren’t convinced. 

    As usual, the commentary that followed was hilarious.

    If Yetunde Gold had taken this advice, we wouldn’t be where we are today

    As you can see, the difference is clear

    The love story we didn’t deserve

    But what’s wrong with Nigerian Twitter?

    She really made us spend 40 days and 40 nights on the matter when one reaction video could’ve solved everything?

    “My Lord, may I?” but your lordship is just this Twitter user

    A prime example of the internet never forgetting

    Please, Iyanya just wants to play love

    She has the right idea

    It’s called unexpected grace

    https://twitter.com/NisforNora/status/1653635496436981760?s=20

    The Bible: “Forgive and forget”

    Twitter NG: “For here?!”

    Why are you people like this?

    A little dragging for some tough skin feels like a steal

    https://twitter.com/ulxma/status/1653830718504443918?s=20

    Context: 

    But he has nothing to worry about. This person has his back

    GET YOUR HERTITUDE TICKETS HERE

    Chioma Munachi

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  • 7 Types of People You’ll Meet in a Hot Twitter Conversation

    From the people with valid points to the ones who are angry for no reason, here are the different types you’ll see in a Twitter conversation. Know the ones you’re dealing with so you can avoid trouble.

    The instigators

    The ones who tweet clearly stupid or controversial things just for engagement. They always disappear when the chaos starts, so beware of their trap.

    The fire stokers

    The devil has many advocates and most are on Twitter. The best place to find them is in the comment section of the instigators.

    The market sellers

    These ones don’t care about anything. They just want to use all the trending topics to sell their market. So if you see a tweet that ends with words that make no sense together — “Buhari, Oshodi, BBNaija” — just know they’re trying to sell something.

    The attention-seeking contrarians

    If everyone is arguing about whether or not two plus two is equal to four, you can be sure to find someone who’ll mention how numbers are a capitalist invention. They’re the ITKs of Twitter.

    The commentators

    These ones actually want to have a conversation. They’ll lay down points that’ll make you feel sorry for them for talking sense in a wild place like Nigerian Twitter.

    The jokers

    It’s never that deep with these people. They’ll come at any hot take with a slam dunk that makes everybody forget why they were angry in the first place.

    The angry ones

    For these ones, every conversation is a threat of violence. They just want to insult anybody with a different opinion. No matter how calm you feel, once you engage them, heat will start catching you. They might even curse your father for no reason at all.

    NEXT READ: The Zikoko Guide To Being A Nigerian Twitter Influencer

    Sheriff Alimi

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  • Your Twitter TL Isn’t Complete if You Don’t Have These People on It

    Twitter is not very different from many markets in Nigeria. Everyone is allowed to enter, and if you hang around long enough, you’ll stop getting shocked at the crazy things your two koro koro eyes are witnessing. 

    We made a list of all the people you’ll find on your Twitter timeline (TL) if you’re doing Twitter right. 

    Feminists

    These are very intelligent women who do everything in their power to advocate for gender equality in all walks of life. I love them and support everything they do. All power to them forever and ever. Amen.

    Alpha males

    “As a man, you should never be caught using an umbrella. Show your dominance and tell the rain, “If you touch me, I will slap you.” Be a man.”

    People who get upset at everything

    Maybe it’s just them. 

    People who must always have opposing views

    These ones wait for everyone to form an opinion before coming out to say the exact opposite (and full of bbuzzwords, don’t forget) just to feel intelligent Like Ololade mi Asake said, “Some of us are wise, every other person overwise.”

    Christians

    There’s always someone proclaiming their love for Christ or their favourite person of God on the TL. You’ll also see someone come online to share a testimony of a miracle God did for them. 

    People who’re always ready to drag Christians

    Once these ones hear “Jesus” like this, they’re ready to drag whoever mentioned his name. “Oh, so Jesus saved you from death? Why didn’t he save all the other people who die every day???”

    Relationship people

    You’re scrolling Twitter on your own, looking for something to take your mind off the breakup text you just received. Next thing you know, you see a picture of people celebrating their 12th-year anniversary with before and after pictures, and you begin to wonder if you’re actually a real human being or a potato. 

    BBNaija stans

    My personal least favourite people on Twitter. Why are you fighting over random people in a house who you only knew existed three weeks ago? Why?

    Football people

    Arguably the funniest people on the platform but also the most unhinged. Leave them to their banter, and you’ll be fine. If you, a non-football person, try to attack their club or favourite players, anything you receive, take it like that. 

    People that ask the weirdest questions

    “Don’t lie, is  ₦1.8m enough as a salary for a married man who has two children, two side chicks, lives on Lagos Island, works in Mowe and is processing his Canada japa?

    Follow me, I post only bangers.”

    Thirst trap people

    Oh, you don’t know about them? Just open your Twitter by 1 a.m. and search “TL sleep?” or at the end of the month and search “*Month* Dump”. The things your eyes will see. 

    Doctors

    I’ve not been to the hospital in years because I get all my unsolocited medical advice from Twitter doctors. Thanks guys.

    Comrade and vawulence people

    They’re like cockroaches. They’re not exactly on the surface (TL) for you to see. But once you open the cupboards (replies), you’ll see them in their numbers swarming everywhere. They even bring drinks and chairs for people who want to be comfortable to witness the “vawulence”. 

    BTS and K-drama stans

    I can’t say anything about these people because I don’t want anybody to cyberbully me. I love BTS people, please. 

    Follow for follow people

    “Ifb”, “No Twitter user should have less than 8k followers.” Let’s start a follow-for-follow thread. Follow everyone who likes this tweet. I’ll follow everyone back too.” In this big 2023. SMH.

    Abroad people disguising like they’re in Nigeria

    It’s them that’ll first complain about the potholes on Ring Road, Benin, and the UNILAG sun. Check their location, it’s Winnipeg. 

    UI/UX Design Twitter

    These ones are always “playing around” on Figma and “mistakenly” coming up with well-thought-out product designs. 

    Tech bros and babes earning in fx

    “Oh look at me everyone, I have money. Yen yen yen.” If you don’t gerrout. 

    God, please do my own too IJN. 

    Influencers

    Twitter is an office for these ones. Do they really use the products they’re talking about, or are they being paid? It’s never really difficult to tell, don’t worry. 

    Banger boys and girls

    They’ll steady drop funny or quirky tweets that do numbers. Once they start, they can never stop trying. There have been rumours that many of them have group chats with like-minded individuals who “boost” their tweets. Me, I don’t care. As long as the tweets are funny, I’ll like them. Except, some of them get carried away and start talking rubbish.

    QUIZ: What Type Of Nigerian Twitter User Are You?

    David Odunlami

  • These Parody Zikoko Journo Requests Are Killing Us

    If you’ve been on Twitter long enough, you must have seen Zikoko writers source for subjects on the TL by putting out journo requests. But because Nigerian Twitter users have coconut heads, it quickly became a thing for people to create fake journo requests and add “It’s for a Zikoko article.”

    I mean, look at these tweets.

    1. How to spot a thief 101.

    2. This is so… detailed.

    3. Even though, even though!

    4. Ozzy, why?

    5. All this person needs is a gun and a facemask and none of us are safe.

    6. Okay, but if you have, please DM us.

    7. I would love to read this article, because this sapa is real.

    8. This person needs to be flogged because garri and beans is a banger.

    9. High risk, high reward.

    10. Shoot your shot, but wear a Zikoko bulletproof.

    11. This person has no fear of God and it shows.

    12. LMAO!

    13. Sources say this person is now in Dubai getting shat on.

    14. WORLDLY POSSESSIONS?

    David Odunlami

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  • QUIZ: Can We Guess What’s On Your Birthday Wishlist?

    Everybody on Twitter suddenly has wild guts and we’ve never seen crazier wishlist items.

    Can we guess what’s on yours? Take the quiz:

    Miriam Onyemenam

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  • QUIZ: What Type Of Nigerian Twitter User Are You?

    Twitter NG has a lot of people with different personalities. Can we guess which one you are?

    Take this quiz to find out.

    Miriam Onyemenam

    , , ,
  • 15 Of Some Of The Greatest (And Funniest) Nigerian Tweets Of All Time

    If you’ve been on Twitter NG for a while you would have lived through some historic moments. While a lot of tweets make us laugh, some others are in the Legends’ Hall of Fame.

    Which ones did we miss out?

    15. This perfect pun.

    14. This person should go and face the wall.

    13. Know this, and know peace.

    12. This hilarious exchange.

    11. Well, that’s one way to look at it.

    10. Nigerian women 1 – 0 Nigerian men.

    9. Nigerian driving lingo is different.

    8. He’s got a point though.

    7. Context is missing here, so I’ll help.

    Oris is quoting a tweet that said someone who was missing had been found. The original tweeter shared the news with the caption, “God has done it again,” and that led to this timeless response.

    6. This absolute banger!

    5. This insane question.

    4. This iconic Uber driver.

    I can’t find the original tweet, but this was the exchange that brought about the legendary “that meins u we sleep there”.

    3. This timeless eulogy.

    2. The most Nigerian dad tweet ever.

    1. This one needs no introduction.

    https://twitter.com/Unkle_K/status/774256517793153024?s=20

    David Odunlami

  • These “Me as a….” Tweets Are Way Too Hilarious

    Ever since this tweet went up, Twitter NG has once again showed that on its day, it’s probably the funniest place on earth.

    We’ve been laughing nonstop since, so we decided to share with you the most hilarious tweets from this trend.

    1. This one about the psychiatrist

    2. We will fight

    3. This is not the type of news I came here for

    4. I’m rolling on the floor

    5. How do you people think about these things?

    https://twitter.com/master_threader/status/1338581188102008834?s=20

    6. It’s not Osita Iheme, but it’s hilarious

    https://twitter.com/trending_medic/status/1338540524836368384?s=20

    7. This is the type of therapist I want in my life

    8. Wahala

    9. The way I screamed!

    10. Left or right

    11. It’s the accuracy of the meme for me

    12. A mohawk won’t be bad, you know…

    13. Nigerian tailors can actually do this

    https://twitter.com/lamide_black/status/1338603499374972938?s=20

    14. When a herbalist tells you this, just start crying

    https://twitter.com/EWAWUNMIII/status/1338596055122927619?s=20

    15. Let’s be guided

    16. Body no be firewood

    17. Jesus, feed us well

    https://twitter.com/BumbleBen2y/status/1338582980198010881?s=20

    18. Do you mind going round Lagos with a crack in your skull?

    19. When did all that nonsense start

    https://twitter.com/Akortainment/status/1338563187420131333?s=20
    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    [donation]

    David Odunlami

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