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Twitter | Zikoko!
  • QUIZ: This Quiz Knows When Your Anon Will Finally See You

    Hopefully it’s today, and they get you tickets to eat meat, watch firebreathers and maybe leave Burning Ram with a live ram.

  • How to Spot a Twitter Swindler

    The Nigerian side of the X (FKA, Twitter) app has been hot since the news of an alleged romance scammer named Iriodalo Emmanuel Obhafuoso broke out yesterday. He allegedly goes from babe to babe and scams them of their money.

    Other victims have come to the open to share a similar story about their encounters with Obhafuoso, who also goes by OD. But this is Nigeria, the possibility of his getting apprehended or investigated is almost non-existent.

    While the jury is still out on OD, one can assume there are others like him. And they tend to follow these steps.

    Target and pattern

    Scammers will likely target accounts with not so many followers. The targets are usually single too. The reason is apparent: scammers don’t want popular victims who will make noise if their schemes fail and they get exposed. Single targets also make it easy to play on emotional vulnerability, too. They want you to be as unpopular and unsuspecting as possible.

    DMs

    Once they spot a potential victim, social interaction launches on the timeline. Gradually, they take it to the DM to spark up conversation.

    All DMs can’t be ignored or assumed to be scam, but scammers will somehow leave signs that eventually unravel their intentions. Keep reading anyway.

    Build closer relationships

    By this time, you’re comfortable with each other.You might have even shared personal information from a place of trust —Someone has dropped “lamba”, and it’s not you.

    Depending on the dynamics (friendship or romance level), the scammer capitalises on the relationship and begins soft-launching the scam.

    ALSO READ: Iriodalo Emmanuel Obhafuoso: Nigerian Man Facing Multiple Allegations of Scam

    Tell lies

    You’ll hear lies like they are based in the U.S., they work with Mastercard, or they’re globetrotters. They’ll even go as far as trying to impress you with expensive gifts.

    Then, problems come out of nowhere

    When they’ve properly gotten your attention , they begin to share their burdens with you. It may be a parent’s demise, an accident, health crises, or a donation to some orphanage in Agege or North Carolina.

    You’ll start feeling bad and wondering why they’ve been unfortunate since you met them. The moment you become concerned or touched by these stories, you’ve unlocked a a higher level of access to steal from you.

    Money and donation

    Out of your kind heart, you might think, “Why not help?” TBH, nothing should stop you from being good, but you must draw firm boundaries to protect yourself too. 

    So what to do? Share with friends or ask if the cause looks legit. Chances are someone might recognise the scammer.

    Counterattack

    Or just responding to their request with your own problems. If they  stop texting you because the whole thing has turned into a suffering Olympics, then you have your answer — You’re not giving what they want, or you don’t have what they’re looking for.

    Oya, praise Master Jesus and pay me for giving you OT Scam 101.

    Or spend the money on our Burning Ram Meat Festival tickets. It’s happening on November 11th in Lagos.

  • QUIZ: This Social Media Quiz Knows What You Can’t Live Without

    It’s Burning Ram. You can’t live without Burning Ram, and once you attend, you’ll know why.

    Get your tickets here.

  • Elon Musk Wants to Unalive the Block Button: What Now?

    All we wanted was a return of fleets and categorised bookmarks, but instead, Elozonam Mask has changed the name of our beloved app, introduced payment plans, and wants to take out the block button?

    We want to say he can’t try it, but there’s nothing that man cannot do, so here are some things to keep in mind as we wait for the ruler of X’s judgement.

    Get ready to fight everyone

    There’s no more ghosting your haters. You can cuss them out, or you can ask them to come out and fight you if they’re really bad. Either way, start doing push-ups because you will fight.

    Take deep breaths every five minutes

    Remember when your president said we should be allowed to breathe? Obviously, Elon heard this because with the amount of stupidity you’re about to witness, you’ll have no choice but to be taking deep breaths every five minutes.

    Start muting people

    Elon said he’d remove the block button, but he didn’t say anything about the mute button, so get ready to properly utilise it. If we’re being really honest, it’s way more powerful than the block button.

    Get ready to report accounts

    It might not do much, but it’ll leave you with the type of sweet satisfaction we all get after reporting our annoying sibling to our parents.

    Ignore everybody’s daddy

    You could take the higher road and just ignore everybody and their numerous takes and opinions. We honestly don’t know how possible this is, but if you can succeed at this then you’ll definitely win the IDGAF wars.

    Leave the app

    You can only fight and take deep breaths for so long. At some point, you’d have to tell Elon to take his app and geddifok, even if it’s just for ten minutes.

    Join the foolishness

    You know how the saying goes. “If you can’t beat them, join them.” After a while of rebelling against the chaos the lack of a block button will bring, you’ll have to join in the foolishness and become a banger boy/girl. Just make sure to proceed with caution.

  • Interview With X Premium: “You Too Can Cash Out”

    Zikoko walks into an office with gold-plated furniture everywhere.

    Image source: Luxuryfurnitureandlighting

    Zikoko: 

    Twi… X?

    X Premium turns around on her swivel chair with arms spread wide.

    X Premium: Welcome.

    Zikoko: Thank you.

    X Premium: Come, sit.

    Zikoko: Yeah.

    Zikoko looks around the room.

    Zikoko: I just need to take in the decor of this place.

    X Premium: It’s great, abi? When they said I should come in for the rebrand, the first thing I did was the office.

    Zikoko moves further into the room, cautiously.

    X Premium: I’m sure you’ve heard of all my exploits.

    Zikoko: Exploits?

    X Premium: You know, the great things I’ve done with X.

    Zikoko: Yes, I know what exploits means. I just can’t believe you used it to describe your deeds.

    X Premium: Do you know I bring in the money in this place? I’m the boss.

    Zikoko: What happened to Elozonam?

    X Premium: Who?

    Zikoko: Right, I had that conversation with the bird. I’m talking about Elon.

    X Premium: Oh, him? He’s the boss too. He likes to call me his brainchild. But I run things around here, so who’s the child now?

    Zikoko: Huh?

    X Premium: 

    Let’s forget about that and focus on all the great things I’ve done.

    Zikoko pulls out a pen and notepad.

    Zikoko: Like what?

    X Premium:

    You’re joking, right? I’m making people blow. People are cashing out.

    Zikoko: Yeah, how does that work?

    X Premium: You don’t sound impressed. Why don’t you sound impressed?

    Zikoko:

    Me? I’m impressed o. Ahh. Only you by yourself, you’re doing poverty alleviation scheme.

    X Premium: Thank you! You get the vision.

    X Premium goes around her desk and throws her hand around Zikoko’s shoulder.

    X Premium: See, one day I had a dream. Solve world hunger.

    Zikoko: Via Twitter?

    X Premium:

    Zikoko: Sorry, X.

    X Premium: Yes. 

    Zikoko: So your subscribers are paying you to solve world hunger?

    X Premium: Technically, they’re paying each other. It’s a great way for money to circulate.

    Zikoko shuts the notepad and bends down to pick their bag.

    Zikoko: Every time I conduct these interviews, I hear rubbish.

    X Premium: Where are you going?

    Zikoko: Back to my office before you use aspire to perspire so you don’t expire to finish me.

    X Premium: So you don’t see the vision?

    Zikoko: Mama, there’s no vision. Nobody can see anything. You just wanted people to subscribe and post longer tweets… exes… exclamation points? Woh, whatever you’re calling it now. It sha wasn’t working.

    X Premium: Please, leave my office.

    Zikoko: I was already leaving. You and your fake gold office can continue the good work.

    Zikoko walks out and shuts the door.

    X Premium: 

    It’s real gold!

  • What To Do After You Get Suspended on Twitter, Sorry, X

    So Elon and the people on his app have had enough of you and decided to give you a break. That’s okay, as new experts on this, we know a few ways to help you through this trying time.

    Touch grass

    Step outside, take a deep breath, find your nearest football field, fall to your knees, and touch grass. Even though the grass will most likely be fake, it might remind you of what’s real and help you handle the loss of your account better.

    Watch all the Nollywood movies on your to-watch list

    You can no longer use this excuse, “I don’t have time”, so dust off your subscriptions and start watching all the Nollywood releases you’ve missed out on this year. We suggest you start with Ijakumo, so you can work your way up.

    Call your family members

    Better still, visit them. The last time you saw them was at crossover night, but now that Twitter has suspended your account and cleared up your schedule, there’s no time like the present for you to present yourself to the members of your family.

    Hydrate

    Life isn’t going to stop just because Elon snatched your account, so you have to prepare and be ready to get it back. Do finger exercises and drink a ton of water so when he releases your account, you can dive back into it and fill all your moots in on what’s being going down in your life, maybe even host a space or two.

    Start a new business 

    Start that business today, and spread the word. Some might argue that Twitter would be a good platform to promote your business, but you can do that on Facebook and Instagram too. You get the boomers with money from Facebook and the baddies with money from Instagram.

    Find love

    The reason you’re still single is because you’ve been spending all your free time scrolling through Twitter. Now that the chokehold it has on you has been broken, you can take a look around you and find someone to love.

    Become a motivational speaker

    You’ve learnt so much from your time on Twitter, it’s time to take all that knowledge and put it to good use. Set up seminars, impact the society around you and have everyone discuss how they would handle delicate situations. Like their mother sitting in the front seat when their partner is right there.

  • Why You Need to Go Outside and Touch Grass

    You might see free money

    We know  you don’t want to go out because you’re broke. But what if you step out and find money on the road? Have you thought about that? You’ll probably turn to yam but that’s not on us sha.

    You can finally take that social media break

    You’ve been saying you’ll take a Twitter break for ages. This is an opportunity to do it. Why are you complaining?

    You can finally get over your ex

    You’re stalking them everyday because you’re always on your phone and you see their posts all the time. Block them, go outside and meet new people.

    You might find love

    Go outside and meet people. At least one of them will like you.

    You can finally have a career

    They say you need 10,000 hours to become an expert at anything. You’ve probably put in that much time tweeting and arguing online. Isn’t it time you dropped your phone and focused all that time on your career? Maybe you’ll finally get that promotion you’ve been eyeing.

    Your anger levels will reduce

    When you go out and spend an arm and a leg on transport fare, you’ll be too tired to get angry at people on the internet.

    Also read: When last did you touch grass?

    You can have content for your social media

    Even if you must stay online, at least go out so you can have something to show the internet too. You don’t want to be dumping memes only when you could be dumping lit pictures at the end of every month.


    QUIZ: When Last Did You Touch Grass?


  • 9 Types of People on the Newly Limited Twitter

    From the people ringing their warning bells to the ones who can’t see a single tweet anymore, here are all the people you’ll find on your timeline now that the Chief Commander of the Twitter forces has decided to limit the number of tweets we can see.

    The jokers

    Elon Musk can limit the number of tweets I see, but he can never limit these ones’ jokes.

    The people serving warnings up and down

    All these ones want to do is see tweets they actually care about with their daily limit. And if they have to give a warning every 20 minutes, then so be it. 

    The ones who reach their daily limit before they even open Twitter

    Obviously, the people at Twitter have beef with them. They should send Mr. Musk a DM to beg him.

    The chosen ones 

    While everyone and their daddies are complaining about daily limits, they can’t relate because they’ve been sailing smoothly since it all began, even though they never subscribed to Twitter blue. These people were obviously chosen by a higher power. 

    The addicts

    They now realise maybe, just maybe, they might have a Twitter addiction.

    The celebrants

    They heard the news and fell to their knees in gratitude because now they can return to real life and be productive once they reach their daily limit.

    The billionaires

    They understand where their fellow billionaire is coming from and won’t stop telling everyone to just suck it up and pay. But they need to realise that $8 is ₦6k, and that is just too much for a common blue tick.

    The children of anger

    Every third tweet on their timeline is dedicated to cussing out Elon Musk, Jack Dorsey and anyone they see supporting this change.

    The ones testing their pickup lines 

    “Twitter might have a daily limit, but my love for you is limitless.” They need to take several seats because no one is buying what they’re selling.

  • You’ve Wandered Into Crypto Twitter If You See Any of These Things

    You stop seeing the typical Nigerian tweets

    So you mean no one is insulting another person’s daddy over a small disagreement? Where am I?

    But you see “.eth” everywhere

    Once you start seeing usernames that end with “(3,3)”, mentally take off your shoes and brace yourself. You’re at the entrance to crypto Twitter.

    You don’t understand anything

    Just know you’ll start seeing words that make no sense. You’ll scroll through your feed thinking “Wetin be FUD?” and “Which one is GMI again? Golden Morn?” 

    Everyone talks like they have money

    It doesn’t matter that the market is down and everyone’s wallet is in tears. Once a rich person, always a rich person.

    You start seeing “fiat” too often

    On top of that, they constantly shade the paper money you still don’t have.

    Memes… everywhere!

    Nobody makes jokes like crypto folks. So, if you start seeing too many memes, you’re probably in crypto Twitter. Even if everything else vexes you, you can at least laugh at the memes.


    They say if you can’t beat them, join them. To join crypto Twitter, you need to first own some crypto yourself. You can do this easily on the Luno app, which allows you buy cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin, Litecoin and Ethereum. Download the app and sign up to get started.


    Crypto Dictionary

    (3,3) – “Good morning”

    FUD – Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt

    Fiat – Paper currencies like naira, dollar etc.

    GMI – “Gonna make it?”

  • QUIZ: If You Score 10 on This Quiz, You’ve Been Dragged On the Internet

    If anyone can tell you’ve been dragged before, it’s us.

    Tick all that apply:

    Don’t leave without getting your ticket to HERtitude 2023!
  • Everything Elon Musk Will Soon Ask Twitter Users to Pay for 

    I saw this tweet and immediately sighed a heavy negro sigh. Our dear new Twitter owner wants to squeeze every single penny from us on top of this app. 

    It’s partially our fault sha. After shouting, “How can this app be free?” for years, Elon has said, “Aii bet.”

    Now, we’re pretty sure he’ll soon say only Twitter Blue subscribers can do these things: 

    Unlimited tweets 

    He’ll announce that basic bitches like us would only have access to 20 tweets per month. If you want unlimited tweets, pay for Twitter Blue. For those of us who’d finish the 20 tweets in two hours but refuse to pay, we’d finally have time to discover the cure for AIDS or come up with new creations, like a noiseless blender. 

    Unlimited mentions 

    Elon would find a way to limit the number of people you can mention in a tweet, just because he wants you to subscribe to Twitter Blue. When you see, “Tag someone who…,” you’d think twice before responding. Your new thing would be putting the person’s name instead of their @ and sending the tweet to their DMs so they can see it and reply. 

    Twitter Spaces

    Can’t lie, I won’t mind this one because people are too quick to start spaces these days.  Any small talk on the TL, and there’s a space. Let this be the problem of Blue Tick Twitter, abeg. 

    Quote tweets 

    Forget ratioing people who annoy you, because Elon would limit your ability to quote people’s tweets too. Before you know it, you’d see: “You can’t quote this tweet because you have reached your target number of quotes for the month. To quote as many tweets as you like, subscribe for Twitter Blue.”

    Posting pictures 

    People would only be able to post one picture at a time or a certain number of pictures per month, unless they pay. Forget about monthly dumps and random screenshots of everything happening in your life.  

    Have followers 

    Yeah, that’s right. It may get to a point where people wouldn’t be able to follow you because you’ve reached the highest number of followers a free account can have. You’d wake up one day and see you’ve lost more than half your followers because our Tesla oga said we have to pay to have extra people following us. 

    Tweet about certain topics 

    I solidly stand behind this one. So that those who want to recycle the same topics every five days — who pays for dates or should women cook for men — would finally be stopped. Let them go and be a problem among the rich in Blue Tick Twitter. 

    Everything 

    The entire app would become subscription-based like Netflix or Apple Music. The way things are going, Elon will definitely ask us to pay to access the app at all. And that’s the day I’ll go back to Facebook. 

    ALSO READ: You Can’t Survive Nigerian Twitter If You Don’t Know These 25 Slangs 

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  • You Can’t Survive Nigerian Twitter If You Don’t Know These 25 Slangs 

    If there’s one thing Twitter NG is good for, it’s coming up with the most random slangs every day and expecting everyone to catch up.

    After a Twitter user posted this about Faze:

    And another responded in defence of Faze’s state of origin:

    I decided to create a Zikoko dictionary of 25 abbreviations, slangs and phrases you need to master if you hope to avoid embarrassment on Twitter NG. Get your pen and papers out, and may the odds ever be in your favour. 

    IMO 

    “In My Opinion” — Used when no one actually asked for your opinion.

    IMHO 

    “In My Humble Opinion” — Used when you want to offer thoughts no one asked for, but with a sprinkle of respect.

    IPNTS 

    “I Prefer Not To Speak” — Used when you know your opinion will land you in hot trouble. Or when you actually want people to beg you for said  opinion. 

    Drag

    This verb refers to when the internet is attacking someone for their questionable opinions or choices.

    Let him cook 

    Used when you’re in full support of the TL dragging someone. 

    Ratio 

    Used when the negative/mocking responses to a tweet get more engagement than the tweet that started the discussion in the first place. Example: “They just ratioed your friend on the TL after he said he mixed plantain with ice cream.” 

    YKTV

    “You Know The Vibes” — Used when you and someone are on the same page. 

    IFYP

    “I Feel Your Pain” — For when you understand what someone is going through. 

    IKDR

    “I Know Das Right” — Used when you support someone’s opinion or choices. 

    Sus 

    Simply means you find someone or something suspicious. Example: Don’t you think it’s a bit sus that INEC said more people came out to vote during the gubernatorial elections than the presidential polls? 

    RECOMMENDED: Your Twitter TL Isn’t Complete if You Don’t Have These People on It

    BFR 

    “Be Fucking Real” or “Be For Real” — Used when reacting to something that sounds unbelievable and you need the source to stop messing around. 

    LMK

    “Let Me Know“ — For when you need someone to let you know. Duh. 

    FFS

    “For Fuck Sake“ — Used when you’re shocked or disappointed. 

    FGS

    “For God Sake“ — Used when you want to say FFS in a way that pleases God. 

    TL;DR

    “Too Long; Didn’t Read“ — Used when you really don’t give two shits about reading the long epistle someone typed. 

    Breakfast 

    “Heartbreak“ — Used when someone as hot as Stefflon Don breaks your heart. Please, do not confuse this with real breakfast like yam and egg, or moi-moi and pap. 

    Scrimm

    Used when you’re screaming on the inside but maintaining a straight face on the outside. 

    GOAT 

    “Greatest of All Time“ — Used when someone has achieved a major feat or is the best at what they do. Not to be confused with the source of asun. 

    YKB/YDKB 

    “You Know Ball“/“You Don’t Know Ball“ — This is YKTV but for people who watch football. 

    JSYK 

    “Just So You Know“ — Used when you expect someone to know something, but you’ve decided to share it with them because they’re not up to date.

    Bet 

    “I get you” or “I got you” — Used when you understand what someone is saying, and you know the next course of action. Example: Chiby asked if I’d be interested in working on a physical 30BG hangout for Davido’s Timeless, and I was like, “Alright, bet,” 

    Aza

    “Account” — Used when you want to either send money to someone or beg someone to send to you. 

    That’s a choice or Choices

    Used when someone has made a bad choice, and it’s obvious to everyone else but them. Example: So this is the outfit you decided to wear to your first premiere? Hmmm. Choices.

    LFG 

    “Let’s Fucking Go“ — Used when you’re excited about something, and you’re trying to get everyone around you on the same level of excitement. 

    ISWIS

    Sis, there’s a whole podcast that uses this slang. How can you not know what it means? 

    Anyways, it’s “I Said What I Said“ — Used when you mean what you say with your full chest. 

    ALSO READ: Zikoko’s 7 Rules For Engaging With Your Twitter Crush

  • Zikoko’s 7 Rules For Engaging With Your Twitter Crush

    Don’t do it

    The risks are just too many. They might shade you, air you or even post your DMs for a few likes and retweets. Just save yourself the stress and focus on real life. But if you must do it by-fire-by-force, continue reading.

    Do your research

    Do your research so you know what you’re getting into. Don’t just slide into their DMs or make a confession based on how you feel? It’s the fastest way to shed hot tears. Are they loud on the internet? Do they have a circle? Do they get dragged every Thursday? Do they normally move mad? These are the important questions.

    Check their “media” section

    This one has to be separate so you get the point. Check their media to know if they’re boo’ed up or not. You don’t want to be confessing your feelings to somebody’s partner. Unless you’re sure you can trigger their release clause sha, then carry on.

    Don’t be a creep

    This one should be pretty self-explanatory, but if they don’t like you or want to talk to you, move on. You won’t die, I promise.

    Do it from a burner account

    So that when your shot shooting starts to look embarrassing, you can always disappear into thin air. It would look like you never existed.

    If it goes well, come back and tell us

    You can’t bag your Twitter crush and not come back a year later to do, “How it started vs How it’s going”. There are rules to these things.

    Pray to God

    Whether or not you follow all these rules, there’s a chance your shots will fail dramatically. As they say on the streets, “Ticket wey go cut, go cut”. Just pray the universe aligns with the shots you’re shooting, or else, you’ll see shege.


    QUIZ: Take This Quiz and We’ll Tell You How to Get Your Twitter Crush’s Attention


  • 7 Types of People You’ll Meet in a Hot Twitter Conversation

    From the people with valid points to the ones who are angry for no reason, here are the different types you’ll see in a Twitter conversation. Know the ones you’re dealing with so you can avoid trouble.

    The instigators

    The ones who tweet clearly stupid or controversial things just for engagement. They always disappear when the chaos starts, so beware of their trap.

    The fire stokers

    The devil has many advocates and most are on Twitter. The best place to find them is in the comment section of the instigators.

    The market sellers

    These ones don’t care about anything. They just want to use all the trending topics to sell their market. So if you see a tweet that ends with words that make no sense together — “Buhari, Oshodi, BBNaija” — just know they’re trying to sell something.

    The attention-seeking contrarians

    If everyone is arguing about whether or not two plus two is equal to four, you can be sure to find someone who’ll mention how numbers are a capitalist invention. They’re the ITKs of Twitter.

    The commentators

    These ones actually want to have a conversation. They’ll lay down points that’ll make you feel sorry for them for talking sense in a wild place like Nigerian Twitter.

    The jokers

    It’s never that deep with these people. They’ll come at any hot take with a slam dunk that makes everybody forget why they were angry in the first place.

    The angry ones

    For these ones, every conversation is a threat of violence. They just want to insult anybody with a different opinion. No matter how calm you feel, once you engage them, heat will start catching you. They might even curse your father for no reason at all.


    NEXT READ: The Zikoko Guide To Being A Nigerian Twitter Influencer


  • Brymo’s Anti-Igbo Remark Isn’t Political, It’s Hate Speech

    Since debuting on the scene as the fresh yet familiar voice that carried hooks for MI and Ice Prince, Brymo has charted a unique path for himself as an artist. His music has successfully straddled the lines between catchy Afropop on his debut album, The Son of a Kapenta, and alternative-leaning sounds on his later projects. 

    But being a musical fave doesn’t excuse reckless behaviour. And reckless doesn’t even begin to cover Brymo’s antics since we stepped into 2023. 

    For those unaware of Brymo’s recent misadventures, here’s a quick recap: He started off the year with a tweet on January 4th that described an Igbo presidency as a “pipe dream” because of ongoing talks about Biafra. For context, Brymo had, in May of 2022, announced his support for the All Progressives Congress (APC) candidate, Bola Ahmed Tinubu. So while his tweet was jarring, it tracked. Supporting a political candidate is a personal choice, but when it starts entering the territory of tribalism, there’s a problem. 

    While it’s easy to brush off Brymo’s tweet as political banter, ignoring the obvious bigotry attached will be doing a huge disservice to Nigerians, especially those affected by his statement. 

    There are obvious parallels between Brymo’s bigoted tweets and the recent shit show that was Kanye West’s anti-Semitic meltdown of 2022. After all, these two men have, at different points, described themselves as geniuses way ahead of their time, even when the receipts presented feel rooted in the past rather than future. 

    RECOMMENDED: The Story of Brymo And His Controversial Tweets

    The cascading effects of bigoted statements like Kanye’s were highlighted in a Financial Times report that showed direct connections between Kanye’s outburst and recent anti-Semitic attacks within Los Angeles. This included a group of white supremacists gathered at a busy interstate road with banners that read, “Kanye is right about the Jews.” 

    Although Brymo’s statements are yet to cause a ruckus of this nature outside of social media, it feeds directly into attacks on Igbos that dates back to even before the Biafran War that started in 1967. Igbo people, especially in the North and West are often treated as non-Nigerians, with statements like, “Go back to Biafra” thrown around casually. 

    Even online, the discourse often tows the same line when conversations get heated. If you have doubts, peep the outpour of support for Brymo’s statement on Twitter, as it more than rivals any backlash he’s faced so far. 

    While Brymo might not be the biggest star of the moment, he does have a reasonable amount of influence and reach with almost 500k followers on Twitter alone. That’s more than enough people actively consuming his unprovoked vitriol, which could easily transition from social media into real life. 

    Kanye has apologised several times, but as of the publishing date of this article, Brymo has done nothing but aggravate the situation further with more incendiary tweets of his own or retweets from people who share his views. In a spree of follow-up tweets, he’s doubled down on his stance.

    In response, Charles Ogundele started a petition to prevent the singer from winning the Songwriter of the Year award at the upcoming 2023 All Africa Music Award (AFRIMA). The petition, which Brymo has mockingly retweeted multiple times, currently has over 6k signatures. But even if it works, losing an AFRIMA award is not enough consequence for Brymo, at least, not in my book. 

    Outside of the ongoing petition and a few tweets scattered across social media, the response to Brymo’s bigotry has mostly been mid. Nigerians haven’t fully grasped the concept of accountability when it comes to celebrities. And the harsh truth is an alarmingly large group of people share Brymo’s beliefs, if not in public, then in their private WhatsApp groups. 

    The argument for lack of accountability for Nigerian celebrities is not new. Between 2020 and 2023, singer D’Banj was accused of sexual assault, Burna Boy was allegedly involved in a shooting and intimidation case and Kizz Daniel has been called out for problematic lyrics. While Burna hasn’t confirmed or denied his involvement in the shooting, he’s been quick to insult his fans who believed the reports at a concert where he had them standing for over 13 hours before his arrival. These events were quickly brushed aside even before the artist involved dropped another “banger”. 

    While cancel and woke culture have become little more than internet buzzwords over the years, creating a culture of accountability is still necessary. Following his anti-Semitic statements, Kanye West was dropped by Adidas, Balenciaga, GAP and his former in-laws, the Kardashians. And that’s what I call facing the consequences of your actions. 

    Because Brymo has no endorsement to his name, I doubt we can follow the same route. But you know what we can do? Not attend shows and stop streaming his music. It might not count for a lot now, but down the line, it’ll hit right where it’s supposed to — his bag. 

    Over the years, tribalism and bigotry towards the Igbo community have been persistent, and you don’t have to be Igbo to notice. If we sit back and fail to identify, stop, correct and expose Brymo’s statement for what they are — bigoted, as opposed to political — we’ll be continuing a long line of passes that’ve enabled bad behaviour in exchange for good music and vibes. 

    ALSO READ: Who is Burna Boy? Party Starter, Freedom Fighter Or “African Giant”?

  • 7 Extremely Practical Alternatives for When Twitter Dies

    Now that Elon Musk has taken over Twitter and fired almost everyone (and their mums) who works there, people suspect the app itself will soon pack up and bounce. Just in case that happens, we’re proposing a few alternatives so we all can stay in touch. 

    Town hall meetings 

    Since sharing our thoughts is what Twitter is about, let’s do it the traditional way. Every local government should have regular town hall meetings. This way, if there’s a fight, it can come the fuck on in real time. None of that subbing rubbish. 

    Witch coven 

    Witches are way ahead of their time. If you and your followers all join the same witch coven, you could talk to each other telepathically and gain access to things like teleportation. Join a coven today! 

    Dreams 

    It’s 2022, and as such, the perfect time for interconnected dreaming. Someone would have to invent a way for us to move in and out of each other’s dreams. That way, we can have a version of Twitter that’ll  be unlocked once you dream.

    LinkedIn

    People have already started bringing foolish questions to LinkedIin, so let’s just go all in. 

    Town crier 

    If it worked for our ancestors, it sure as hell would work for us. Plus, young people can put “town crier” down as a career they’ll like to have. Whenever you want to “tweet”, you get a town crier to broadcast it for you for a small fee. 

    Pigeon 

    Twitter is a bird; pigeon is also a bird. Someone should start a service to provide every subscriber with their own pigeon. Whenever you want to broadcast your thoughts to your “followers”, you send your pigeon to their houses. Nobody would say they didn’t see it on their TL. 

    Talk to your friends 

    This is the last resort for if Twitter goes down. We’d actually have to keep quiet and only reveal our thoughts to people we trust and care about. This promotes shame, and honestly, after all we’ve seen on that app, we might need to bring a little shame back. 

    RELATED: Interview With Twitter Bird: ”I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”

  • The Grass to Grace #NairaLife of a Social Media Influencer

    Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.

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    This week’s subject on #NairaLife is a 25-year-old social media influencer. He talks about growing up poor and how seeing his mum’s efforts pushed him to start earning at 16. Today, he doesn’t need to leave his house to make his millions.

    What’s your earliest memory of money? 

    Hustling for ₦3k at 16. I helped nurses carry polio immunisation kits from house to house. I remember being irritated at how the children ran away and cried because of the injections. I thought,  “Oga, just stay and collect this thing. You’re wasting my time.”

    How long did you do this?

    I did it just once. The ₦3k was for three days of work. The crowd I saw on the day I went to get paid was so much that I couldn’t get my money. I had to come back another day.

    When I was told I couldn’t get my money that day, I felt especially terrible I didn’t have a dad. I wouldn’t have to hustle for ₦3k like that if my dad was around. I swore that I’d never be poor in life. The experience was that bad.

    Where was your dad?

    No idea. He just wasn’t around. I started working at 16 because, as the firstborn, I felt like I had to. It was just my mum, my younger sister and me, and at that point, I was old enough to realise how much my mum was doing for us. 

    My mum is a trader, but she made sure we wore good clothes, never skipped meals, and were never sent out for school fees. She put us through private primary school, but when it was time for secondary school, she sat us down and told us she couldn’t afford a private secondary school. 

    What was the switch like?

    Omo, first it was embarrassing. All my friends from primary school went to private secondary schools.

    I won’t lie; going into secondary school, I believed public school students weren’t as intelligent as private school students. It was a stereotype that flew around in my primary school. I soon realised it was a lie. People are smart everywhere. I’m hardworking today because of how hard I had to compete academically in senior secondary school. 

    Tell me about it

    My set was a bit too serious. The principal had to call an assembly to tell us to loosen up and come out to play sometimes because we were reading too much. We represented the school in competitions, some against private schools, and won. I don’t know what motivated the others, but I knew how hard my mum was working to take care of my sister and me, and I just didn’t want to disappoint her. 

    As serious as I was though, maths was a problem. I got an F when I wrote GCE in SS 2, and a D when I wrote WAEC in SS 3. I couldn’t get into university with those grades, so it was that year I stayed at home and did menial jobs like the immunisation one. 

    What other jobs did you do?

    I worked at a factory that produced hangers for ₦14k a month. I quit after a few months and got another job at a factory that printed past questions. That one paid ₦19k a month, but it was the most hazardous job ever. I inhaled so much smoke because I worked near a generator. There was a time I fell while carrying a load of heavy papers My boss saw me on the ground and said that if I destroyed the papers, the money would be deducted from my salary. My ₦19k salary!

    After another few months there, I left and did WAEC and JAMB lessons. I used my money to pay. By 2015, when I was 18, I entered university to study mass communication.

    Was that what you wanted?

    Yes. I liked listening to the OAPs on Beat FM, so I thought I could do something in entertainment. In fact, because of how much they talked about Twitter, I opened a Twitter account and started being funny and steadily gaining followers in their hundreds and thousands. 

    Was it your mum who supported you through university?

    For about two years. In 2017, I started making my own money. 

    What were you doing?

    Freelance writing on Fiverr. I had roommates who made money designing for clients on Fiverr, so when my mum got me a laptop, I signed up and offered writing as a service.

    How did you learn to write?

    I wrote essays all the time in secondary school, so writing didn’t feel like a skill I had to learn. 

    When I started using Fiverr, I had to use a VPN to make it seem like I wasn’t in Nigeria because, for some reason, it was hard for Nigerians to get jobs. Within 24 hours of opening an account, I got an essay-writing job that paid $5. 

    In less than two months, I made $100 — the threshold for a first withdrawal. It was about ₦50k when I withdrew it. If you see my mum’s joy when I called her to tell her I made that much from writing online. She even called our pastor and told him. 

    That year, I made about $500. 

    Was it just through essay writing?

    My brother, when poverty holds you, your creativity will come up. I wrote marketing articles, essays, assignments, and even poems for people’s partners. There was also a lady that paid me just to rant to me. 

    You were also doing therapist work? God when?

    But I wasn’t saving sha. I was spending the money anyhow. Even the next year, when I made almost $4k by levelling up, I didn’t save. I sent my mum some money, but I wasted the rest in school. 

    How did you level up?

    When your account shows that you’ve completed a lot of work and received encouraging comments, you level up on the platform and get jobs easier. At this point, I wasn’t using a VPN account anymore. I’d created another account and patiently waited to get jobs, but it was worth it in the end.

    But in my 400 level, I lost my account because the PayPal account linked with it was connected to another Fiverr account. 

    How?

    Nigerian PayPal accounts can’t receive money, so I had to use the services of a guy who had foreign PayPal accounts to receive my payments. He mistakenly used the account he was using for me for another person. 

    Damn. Did you lose money?

    I got the money in the Fiverr account after 90 days of suspension, but I couldn’t get the account back. I’d have to start from scratch again. I was in my final year doing projects, so I decided not to bother. It would be too much work. 

    Also, I realise, in retrospect, that I did a terrible job at networking. When I google the names and companies I worked with as a freelancer, I scream. If I’d kept those relationships, I wouldn’t have been stranded and broke like I was after that account loss. 

    It was bad?

    I met sapa. I couldn’t ask my mum for money because I’d stopped for a while, so I was just suffering. I even started selling the middle pages of my foolscap notes for ₦20 whenever we had class tests. Right before I graduated, I got my first social media campaign job. A brand reached out because they saw I had engaged followers. The job paid ₦10k. This happened a couple more times in 2019.

    After I graduated in 2019, I helped my classmates write CVs for ₦2k per CV. Then on one of those days when I had nothing to do, I had a bright idea. Since I’d already studied mass communication, it’d be smart for me to learn a foreign language too. I went and made inquiries, and the language I wanted to learn cost ₦63k for six weeks. 

    Did you do it?

    I didn’t have the money, so I tweeted about my situation, and a Twitter friend reached out, asked me how much the classes cost, sent the money and asked me to return it whenever I could. I’d never met this person physically.

    A few months later, I found out she died. I was heartbroken. 

    Sorry about that. Did you learn the language?

    Yes. But I’ve not used it for anything. 

    How did you get back on your feet? 

    In 2020, more brands started reaching out to me to push their products and services. I was getting ₦100k and ₦200k gigs. That’s when I also started getting writing gigs. I started doing CVs, website articles, assignments, and statements of purpose. But I was charging much higher than my freelance days. It was just knowing my worth and not being afraid to charge people. 

    I also had my only 9-5 in 2020. It was a digital marketing job that I quit after two months. 

    Why?

    My boss told me to shut up over the phone. On top ₦66k salary. Ah. 

    LMAO

    2021 was the beginning of proper financial stability. I was making at least ₦300k a month from writing and influencing, but more from influencing. That’s when I bought an iPhone and MacBook and put my mum on a ₦40k monthly allowance. 

    Omo mummy

    She didn’t care much about the amount I was giving her. As long as I gave her money, she called and prayed for me like I’d just blessed her with millions. At some point, I realised giving her money was an investment in my mental health. The fact that she was happy with me was proof that I was doing something right.

    I even did my first investment in 2021.

    What kind?

    I put ₦1.5m in a friend’s business and got ₦300k every month for four months, then I got my ₦1.5m back. 

    Mad. How’s 2022 been?

    I do the same things I’ve been doing for money, but I make more money because my brand is bigger. I run multiple campaigns concurrently. On an average month this year, I’ve made at least ₦700k, all from the comfort of my apartment. Oh yeah, I finally moved out this year too. I paid ₦500k for rent and have spent about ₦400k buying home appliances. 

    Do you save now?

    Haha, I save almost all my money now.

    Break down how much money you spend in a month

    How much do you have invested? 

    I put ₦2m in a crypto company, and they give me ₦100k a month. 

    And how much do you have in savings?

    Maybe about ₦4m. 

    Can I see your rates?

    What’s the hardest part about being an influencer? 

    The fact that I have to put my life out there. It’s a bit tough. I don’t like it, but I have to do it. 

    At 25, do you think you’ve done well for yourself? 

    Yeah. I live alone in my flat. I’ve placed my mum on salary, and I sponsor my sister’s education. I have two people I pay salaries; one who manages one of my accounts (₦50k) and my assistant (₦80k). There are others I pay for writing for me. In my own capacity, I’ve also helped followers who DM with genuine stories. So yeah, I feel like I’m in a good place. 

    Is there any levelling up to do?

    Of course. I want to reach a point where ₦20m is nothing to me. Do I have any specific plans? No. I just know it’ll be through business and maybe getting a high-paying job. 

    What’s a high-paying job?

    ₦2m a month. 

    Is there something you want now but can’t afford?

    A house. I don’t need a house, but it’s the only thing I want but can’t afford. 

    On a scale of 1 to 10, what’s the level of your financial happiness? 

    I would say 7. Because everything I need now, I can afford. Until I get to the point where ₦20m is nothing, it cannot be a 10. 


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  • Buhari Is Jealous of Twitter’s Power and Other Things We Learnt from His UN Speech

    On September 21st, 2022, Buhari addressed world leaders at the United Nations General Assembly (UNGA). It’s the final address he’ll ever give at the annual summit as Nigeria’s president as he prepares to pack his bags in May 2023 to return home to Daura:

    Buhari Is Jealous of Twitter's Power and Other Things We Learnt from His UN Speech

    Home is where the milk is

    …or London:

    Buhari Is Jealous of Twitter's Power and Other Things We Learnt from His UN Speech

    Home is where the flight takes me

    We sat through the president’s speech so you don’t have to, and here are the things we learnt.

    Buhari is jealous of Twitter’s power

    It’s not a secret that Buhari isn’t a big fan of Twitter. After all, he did suspend the social media app in Nigeria for seven months because they deleted his sketchy tweet.

    Buhari’s UNGA speech showed that not only does he still hate Twitter, but he’s also jealous of its global influence. The president lamented that social media platforms like Twitter now give influencers the springboard to be louder than leaders on social and environmental issues.

    Our only message to Twitter can then only be this:

    Buhari doesn’t want to pay his gbese

    Nigeria’s total public debt when Buhari became president in 2015 was ₦12.1 trillion. The debt has risen like yeast over the years to ₦42.9 trillion in June 2022. Buhari’s critics have always been concerned about his debt repayment plan, but his speech at this year’s UNGA showed that he’s counting on not paying everything back.

    Buhari Is Jealous of Twitter's Power and Other Things We Learnt from His UN Speech

    “I’m not a Lannister”

    The president appealed to world leaders to consider debt cancellation for Nigeria countries facing the most severe fiscal challenges. Let’s hope he didn’t run into China’s UN delegation after his speech.

    Baba Go Slow hates the pace of democracy

    Buhari has earned many nicknames since he became president: Johnny Walker, Travel Blogger-in-Chief, Bubu, Jubril Al-Sudani and more. But the only nickname he’s ever publicly adopted himself is Baba Go Slow, which his critics used to mock the pace he deals with issues.

    The president was quick to blame the slowness of the democratic process for his own slow pace when he delivered his UNGA address. This is how he described it to world leaders:

    Buhari Is Jealous of Twitter's Power and Other Things We Learnt from His UN Speech

    The silver lining about this part of the president’s speech is he conceded democracy still provides a government with the legitimacy it needs to deliver positive change. At least, we can be confident he’ll pack his bags and leave when his second term expires in May.

    Buhari is a climate change advocate

    Buhari Is Jealous of Twitter's Power and Other Things We Learnt from His UN Speech

    “With these few points of mine…”

    Many Nigerians don’t give him credit for it, but Bubu is one of the biggest champions of climate action. It’s an issue he regularly touches on in his UNGA speeches, and his final address wasn’t an exception.

    The president reminded world leaders that Africa produces only a small proportion of greenhouse gas emissions but suffers consequences that are disproportional. His proposed solution to his colleagues is to do everything possible and mitigate the effects of the climate crisis. Let’s just be glad he didn’t propose that they ban climate change like he wants to ban everything.

    Buhari will miss his UN trips

    All good things must come to an end, and we can all recognise that bitter feeling when the curtain calls.  Buhari acknowledged this in his final UNGA speech by providing what he called his “final reflection from this famous podium”. 

    No one asked him, but he said the one legacy he’d like to leave behind is that the world holds strongly onto values that endure. And what are those values? Justice, honour, integrity, ceaseless endeavour, and partnership within and between nations. 

    Buhari Is Jealous of Twitter's Power and Other Things We Learnt from His UN Speech

    We don’t remember anytime Buhari used any of those things to reduce the price of beans or the unemployment rate in Nigeria, but it’s probably one of those, “Do as I say, not as I do” situations.

    Buhari Is Jealous of Twitter's Power and Other Things We Learnt from His UN Speech

    ALSO READ: What We Learnt from Buhari’s Trip to Imo

  • Femi Fani-Kayode and Dino Melaye Have Gone Mad Again

    Femi Fani-Kayode, a former federal minister, and Dino Melaye, a former senator, have exactly two things in common — they’ve both been in the same Nollywood film and possess an abundant lack of shame. Both men have years of political experience under their belts, but their most visible contribution to Nigerian politics has been farcical comedy.

    Femi Fani-Kayode and Dino Melaye Have Gone Mad Again

    On the one hand, Fani-Kayode is unintentionally hilarious because he takes himself too seriously and shoots off wacky conspiracy theories like evil spirits directing Nigeria’s affairs.

    On the other hand, Dino Melaye is a deeply intentional comedian with his skits and theatrics, including dodging a court appearance by faking a kidnap story that involved hiding on a treetop for 11 hours

    Together, Fani-Kayode and Melaye are both the unstoppable force and immovable object of political comedy in Nigeria. And they clashed on social media this week.

    Femi Fani-Kayode and Dino Melaye Have Gone Mad Again

    Who started it?

    On September 4th, 2022, Fani-Kayode called for the arrest of Melaye and the leadership of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) for alleged corruption. He said Melaye confessed in an interview that PDP governors spent money on delegates to elect party chairman, Iyorchia Ayu, in 2021, violating electoral laws. 

    And because Fani-Kayode can’t do without speaking big English, he called the PDP “a party of scammers, carpet-baggers, vote-procurers, petty thieves, pickpockets and yahoo-yahoo criminals.”

    Fani-Kayode also warned the Nigerian police to take action or he’d be forced to drag the PDP to court. You see, unintentional comedian.

    How did Melaye take it?

    Melaye didn’t take Fani-Kayode’s finger-pointing too well when he issued his own response hours later. First, he said the comment his nemesis referred to was from an old interview — as if that changes anything — and devolved into his own round of name-calling like “bootlicker”, “drug addict” and “a serial hustler around food dispensers”.

    And this was when the real war moved to the worst place imaginable: Twitter.

    A timeline of insults… and skits

    Fani-Kayode spent much of September 5th calling Melaye an “asslicker” and drug addict with tweets like this:

    And Melaye responded with a video clip of a random woman calling Fani-Kayode a drug addict.

    On September 6th, Melaye played his next card: a clip of the current Minister of Transportation, Rotimi Amaechi, accusing Fani-Kayode of embezzling over ₦2 billion during his tenure as Minister of Aviation between 2006 and 2007. Melaye now added his own jara that Fani-Kayode spent the money on drugs.

    Fani-Kayode responded with his own video “proof” that Amaechi’s allegation was bogus. He also found it in his heart to call Melaye a “fat, desperate, mannerless, filthy and uncouth plebian, peasant and clown”.

    But the entire time, he still considered his engagement to be “mild and restrained”.

    God save us all if this is restrained

    Before we go on, here’s an intermission showing Melaye doesn’t know how front cameras work:

    And back to the battleground, Fani-Kayode posted this hilarious video of Melaye seriously play-acting to avoid police detention. He also dropped some mean words mixed with homophobia, because that’s who this former minister is.

    He followed it up with this picture of Melaye in the trenches to remind him he used to be poor:

    And Melaye was quick to reply that with, “And so?”

    We presume Drake’s “Started from the Bottom” was playing in the background when he tweeted this

    Does this thing end?

    For the grand finale that’s better than what Game of Thrones gave the world, Fani-Kayode and Melaye finished with a battle of skits.

    Melaye dropped his skit first and it looked like this:

    And Fani-Kayode responded with his own skit:

    We really just have some sympathy for those bodyguards and hangers-on who were dragged into the production of these skits to earn their urgent ₦2k. Also, it wasn’t a great day for interior decor.

    So, who won?

    After dragging each other back and forth for three days, Melaye tweeted that he’d no longer dignify a politically-irrelevant Fani-Kayode with more responses. 

    And Fani-Kayode graciously accepted the ceasefire by calling Melaye a lipstick-wearing pig. He also hinted that the ceasefire happened because “leaders” intervened behind the scenes.

    Femi Fani-Kayode and Dino Melaye Have Gone Mad Again

    And now, we hope we can start seeing some of the “issues-based election campaigns” everyone talks about even though we never really see it happen.


    ALSO READ: The 2023 Presidential Campaign Promises We Already Find Laughable


  • 11 Hilarious Tweets of Women Explaining Why They Ghosted Men

    Once in a while, small breeze blows on the internet to remind us that even though “Men are scum” is a dying phrase, men are still wreaking havoc in real life. 

    Someone tweeted asking women to tell them the pettiest reasons why they stopped talking to someone they liked. We promise you nothing can prepare you for the responses people gave. Brace yourself.

    The man really said, “relax, it’s enough”

    He probably thought this was a Tyler Perry movie

    Father in heaven!

    LMAO. This is like 2 + 2 = Range Rover

    We know a Yoruba man when we see one

    As the saying goes, “First to do no dey pain”


    RELATED: 10 of the Funniest Tweets from Nigerian Women in April 2022


    This one took “Stay wicked” too far. Lord Voldemort, please

    We stan a man who’s focused on the hustle. But it’s giving kidnapper vibes

    Can we even blame ASUU for this travesty?

    He wants you to fight for your love, literally!

    This is why people make diss tracks when they finally blow


    NEXT READ : Nigerian Men Need to Come Out and Explain These Hilarious Dark Jokes


  • Buhari’s Old Tweets That Have Aged Like Fried Rice

    No one knows tomorrow, but Nigerian politicians are fond of talking like they have a crystal ball and know how the future plays out. As long as the goal is to get them into office, they can use mouth to build an ocean in the middle of the desert or command $1 to be the same as ₦1.

    Buhari tweets.

    This is the case of Muhammadu Buhari before he became president and his tweets that have aged as well as fried rice.

    An important question in 2015 and 2022

    Buhari tweets.

    After seven years of Buhari, Nigerians can still be attacked travelling by road, rail, or air.

    Bubs, we’re also begging

    The unemployment rate was 6.4% at the end of 2014 but is now 33% after seven years of Buhari.

    Buhari tweets.

    ALSO READ: Buhari’s Weirdest Decisions We Thought Were April Fool’s Day Jokes But Weren’t

    Incompetence Pro Max

    Buhari tweets.

    This was tweeted by a man who, years later, can throw a dinner party in the thick of a national tragedy.

    Fuel queues yesterday, today and forever

    Those fuel queues haven’t disappeared. If anything, they’ve worsened dramatically.

    Laughs in subsequent medical issues

    Went on to spend over 200 days abroad on medical leave.

    Who is Boko Haram?

    Buhari tweets.

    Buhari has gone on to claim many victories over Boko Haram even though nearly 100 Chibok girls are still missing.

    The more things change…

    This is even more valid in 2022 than it was in 2015. After seven years of the tweet’s author being in charge, death tolls have only skyrocketed. But we can agree with Buhari on one thing: Nigerians do deserve better.

    ALSO READ: The 2023 Presidential Campaign Promises We Already Find Laughable

  • How to Stay Safe in Nigeria — Tips from the Nigerian Police

    There’s nothing the Nigerian Police Force cannot do. Sure, they can protect you as it says in their job description, but they can also be your worst enemy. They can make up crimes that don’t exist at (illegal) checkpoints, or they can go on Twitter to post safety tips for your benefit.

    These safety tips on how to navigate Nigeria come directly from the Police:

    “Never use car stickers that say where you work, especially if you have a prestigious job.”

    Vehicles are only made for hilarious inscriptions.

    “Never share pictures of your kids in their school uniforms or badges. Protect your kids!”

    Useful safety tips from the Nigerian Police Force

    Unless you’re sure your kids can protect themselves, of course.

    “When you attend parties, don’t let the band get you so high that you start spraying money. Use an envelope.”

    Stop showing off.

    “Don’t be the one that tries to empty the ATM machine by making large withdrawals. You don’t need 50k in your wallet to feel like a man.”

    Useful safety tips from the Nigerian Police Force

    Seriously, stop showing off. Hot kidnappers in your area are waiting to hook up.

    “Always delete your bank transaction notifications, especially SMS. You really can memorise your bank balance…shred your POS/ATM receipts.”

    To be honest, this is sound advice to protect yourself against criminals and police officers at checkpoints.

    ALSO READ: 5 “Normal Things” The Nigerian Police Can Arrest You For

    “Don’t go jogging while it’s dark, you really should be smarter than that. If you can, get someone trusted as company.”

    Useful safety tips from the Nigerian Police Force

    It can either mean potential kidnappers will be discouraged, or you’ll at least have company in captivity.

    “Always lock your doors, even if you’re only going out to switch off your generator.”

    Useful safety tips from the Nigerian Police Force

    Don’t leave room for all the weapons fashioned against you to prosper.

    “NEVER NEVER, NEVER EVER WEAR YOUR ID card outside your workplace. No one needs to know where you work.”

    No one needs to know you’re a pornography historian or whatever it is you do.

    “Be accountable to your spouse or parents, let someone know where you are at every point.”

    “I’m on my way to the strip club. Tell the children I’ll be home before dinner.”

    “As much as you can, don’t send kids alone on errands outside your house, they’re soft targets.”

    Useful safety tips from the Nigerian Police Force

    Again, ignore this advice only if the child can square up in a fight.

    ALSO READ: How to Become a Gun Owner in Nigeria

    “Don’t try to show that you are the richest in the neighbourhood by making large donations in your estate meetings, learn modesty.”

    Don’t do as the spirit leads. Resist the urge.

    “When you give, give with modesty and privately, and learn to say “I can’t spare that amount now.”

    The “Urgent 2k” industry won’t be happy with this message.

    “Don’t stay late in your office long after closing hours. That deadline work can be done later or at home if you wish.”

    Always be home early enough for the 7 o’clock news, unless you stay in Lagos.

    “Make safety the number one factor in your decision always!”

    Stay jiggy – Nigerian Police Force.

    “Mind what you post about yourself on social media.”

    Useful safety tips from the Nigerian Police Force

    How many times do you really need to tweet that your money grows like grass?

    ALSO READ: You Only Need Three Things at Nigerian Police Checkpoints

  • Maybe You’re Addicted to Twitter

    If you sometimes wonder whether you’re just a little too dependent on Twitter, then this list should help clear your doubt.

    You’re blocked by at least 20 people. 

    The more you use Twitter, the more likely you are to say something that someone considers stupid. So, if you scroll through the app and encounter at least one “you’ve been blocked by this account”, then you use the app too much. 

    You’ve blocked at least 20 people.

    Since Twitter allows anyone to say almost anything, you’ve probably come across tweets that made you block accounts. It’s fine. We’ve all been there. 

    RELATED: 5 Nigerians Tell Us Why They Have Burner Twitter Accounts

    It’s the first app you use when you wake up 

    You read it like the newspaper and that’s why it’s the first thing you check when you wake up in the morning. You want to get caught up on all the things that happened while you slept. 

    You find yourself using Twitter phrases like “He do usually lost?” “Kiki Mordi no go fok?” and “Ayomide rise, don’t waste my money” in real life. 

    People who don’t use Twitter as often don’t understand what you’re saying. You may try to explain to your friend what KMNGF means, but they won’t get it. The jokes fly over their heads, and sometimes, they assume you don’t know English. 

    You’ve patronised at least five Twitter vendors 

    You choose Twitter vendors because you know you have enough street cred to drag them if they do rubbish. You may have dragged one or two, but trust us, you’ll still drag a few more. 

    You save at least five memes a day 

    Memes are beginning to take up almost all the space in your gallery. You can save yourself stress and visit our meme website

    RELATED: QUIZ: Can We Guess Your Age Based on Your Taste in Memes? 

    You’ve been the Twitter main character before 

    Every day on Twitter, there’s a main character everyone focuses their energy either on fighting or defending. Use Twitter long enough, and you’d find yourself as the main character one day. 

    You’ve seen your tweet on Instagram 

    Have you really made it if someone hasn’t taken a screenshot of your tweet to post on Twitter? That’s how you separate the addicts from the regular users. Twitter addicts are hilarious. 

    You’re reading this article from Twitter 

    Someone probably shared the tweet with you, or you saw it on your tl. You never bother visiting our website directly because you already see all our tweets. 

    You’ve dated someone you met on Twitter

    Stayed on the app long enough to find love? Both of you might still be together, or it might have scattered. Either way, you both #MetonTwitter. 

    RELATED: 6 Nigerian Men Talk About Finding Love on Twitter 


    Zikoko is launching a new series where we explore those friendships, familial and romantic relationships that are no longer sailing.

  • We Rated the Announcements of Everyone Running for President on Twitter

    Everyone and their grandmother is declaring to contest in Nigeria’s 2023 presidential election. A certain aspirant’s announcement has inspired more Nigerians to announce their own intentions to run for president on Twitter.

    We Rated The Chances of Everyone Running for President on Twitter

    Their chances of winning are laughably impossible, but we rated their Twitter announcements anyway.

    9.5/10

    Audacious lie, check. Crisp campaign picture, check. Innovative slogan, check. Campaign promises that we all know are lies, check. It’s giving everything we expect from someone running for president. 

    5.5/10

    Too much lighting. Can’t look voters in the face. More likely to be appointed Minister of Fashion. 

    7/10

    https://twitter.com/FaruqBashar/status/1513428476728168448?s=20&t=OqvP-uTnpI2L5ezz8lK7ow

    Pro: He’ll legalise weed. 

    Con: Will spend national budget on owambe

    8/10

    Obviously in the race to stop family members from starving. We can all understand that sentiment. 

    ALSO READ: Why Nigeria (Probably) Needs a 102-Year-Old President

    8.5/10

    The fit is presidential. The speech is precise. But we’re not getting carried away. We need some campaign promises. How long before semo is banned? 

    7/10

    https://twitter.com/Lharryvee/status/1513486181274722310?s=20&t=OqvP-uTnpI2L5ezz8lK7ow

    That rolling of the sleeves sells this candidacy. This is a candidate that’ll pretend he knows how to fix a faulty car just for the campaign pictures. Real presidential material. 

    7/10

    Not a lot of poets run for president so maybe we should give this man a chance. The black and white vibe of the campaign picture gives us cause for pause, though. 

    3/10

    Obviously not a serious person. Too lazy to roll out with a campaign picture. 

    8/10

    We approve of a candidate that’s sincere even if he’s bad boy. He may do all the wrong things as president, but he’ll be entertaining as hell. 

    10/10

    This passes the vibe check. Anyone that looks at this declaration and says it’s not a 10/10 must be Lai Mohammed’s protege. 

    5/10

    Looks like Dino Melaye reincarnated. Will waste national budget on luxury cars.

    6/10

    Way too many pictures for a declaration. Interesting choice of location too. Will spend national budget on fine dining

    4/10

    It’s always best to run away from candidates that use God to run for office. They’re all detty liars. 

    8/10

    Pro: Three-day weekend that cancels Monday. 

    Con: Can’t look voters in the face. 

    4/10

    https://twitter.com/sliqbak/status/1513457654663979009?s=20&t=Vwgk15nFFnPvCdf1L-bvvw

    Can’t quite place it but it looks like he’s running for the position of course rep, not a country’s president. Too young to run.

    ALSO READ: Time Is Running Out for You to Register for Your PVC

  • Twitter Users Re-imagined Nigeria As A Working Country And It’s Hilarious As Hell

    Imagine Nigeria functioning like other countries: no traffic, free education, free medical care, a decent economy, stable electricity. The fact that we had to invent these scenarios should tell you about the nightmare we’re living in, but let’s pretend everything is okay for a second and laugh at this compilation of truly hilarious tweets because humour is the only way we can cope.

    1. The tweet that started it all

    But, aren’t we already a menace as it is? 

    2. Why did we even do this? 

    3. And they must pronounce Nigerian names properly too.

    4. They should also list all the songs from that album.

    5. One hour of legwork is mandatory. 

    6. Because there is only one right answer. 

    7. Omo! Nawa.

    8. Just following in their footsteps innit? 

    9. Screaming!

    10. At least they will receive a small allowance.

    11. Do we not do this?  

    12. Please, abeg. 

    13. If you ask for water, just forget about it. 


    [newsletter]

  • Interview With Twitter Bird: “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.


    After seven months of being denied entry into Nigeria because of the Twitter ban, the Twitter bird finally regains its freedom. The Nigerian government called off the ban on January 13, 2022. 

    We knew the Twitter bird would have a lot to say about its experience, so we invited it to our office for an exclusive interview about its time in exile and how it feels to be back and breathing Nigeria’s polluted air.

    [Twitter Bird flies in singing “Bird Set Free” by Sia]

    Twitter Bird: 

    Clipped wings, I was a broken thing

    Had a voice, had a voice but I could not sing

    You would wind me down

    I struggled on the ground, oh

    So lost, the line had been crossed

    Had a voice, had a voice but I could not talk

    You held me down.

    Zikoko: Wow. Is this Sia or her younger sister?

    Twitter Bird: [Sings with more vigour]

    And I don’t care if I sing off key

    I find myself in my melodies

    I sing for love, I sing for me

    I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

    I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

    I’ll shout it out like a bird set free.

    Zikoko: Wow, wow. Applaudise!

    [Twitter Bird finishes singing, surveys Zikoko’s office and hisses]

    Twitter Bird: You people are not ready. [Prepares to fly out]

    Zikoko: Ah, please wait. What happened, what did we do?

    Twitter Bird: I just came back to this your country. I even sang my freedom anthem, and none of you thought to lay a red carpet down for me?

    Zikoko: We appreciate the anthem. In fact, we appreciate everything you have done. But we didn’t lay a red carpet because you fly. 

    Twitter Bird: You should have laid it on the floor. [Lands on the floor] As you can see, I can also walk. [Flies back up]

    Zikoko: Ah, sorry for the lack of initiative. It will not happen again.

    Twitter: It better not. Before we even start let me just tell you, if your leaders try to ban me again, it’s goodbye forever. I’ll start a new life elsewhere and forget you.

    Zikoko: Nigerians can’t be easily forgotten. In fact, we can boldly say that Nigerian Twitter is one of the best places to be.

    Twitter Bird: Then talk to Buhari. I didn’t like being locked away. Every single time Nigerians had to turn on VPN to access me, I felt sad.

    Zikoko: Well, you weren’t exactly gone. The VPN was helpful.

    Twitter Bird: Yes, it was helpful, but if someone locks the front door and you have to enter through the window, is it still the same thing?

    Zikoko: No, it isn’t.

    Twitter Bird: Exactly. Anyway, let me sit down. I have a lot of places to be today. I can’t waste my strength staying in the air for this.

    [Twitter Bird settles down]

    Zikoko: Welcome! We are so pleased to have you—

    Twitter Bird: And I just want to say that I hope Nigerians will appreciate me more, now that your government has opened the door for me.

    Zikoko: We do oh. 

    Twitter Bird: Let’s hope so.

    Zikoko: But wait sef, don’t you also send people to Twitter jail?

    Twitter Bird: I don’t get your point…

    Zikoko: People’s accounts are suspended all the time, and—

    Twitter Bird: Oh so, now I am capable of suspending people’s accounts, right? I should speak to the people about putting me on the payroll and giving me a monthly salary. Must be nice to be a bird with the ability to suspend accounts.

    Zikoko: Don’t take this the wrong way, please.

    Twitter Bird: No, no, it just funny that you can equate me being banned from Nigeria to suspension of spam accounts. What is that jump? The person that tweeted something about Nigerians having analogy usage problems didn’t lie.

    Zikoko: Please, hold on what I’m saying is—

    Twitter Bird: There’s no point there, Interviewer. Do you know what it feels like to be banned from an entire country? At least when accounts are suspended, many people create another account. Can I create another country where I am unbanned? 

    Other social media apps were flourishing here in that period. Trends were distorted, something would be trending in Nigeria and I would see it on the Netherlands trends table. Is that something worth being happy about? Even the day Facebook and the others went down people still used VPN to complain on Twitter.

    Zikoko: Sorry you had to relive that awful memory.

    Twitter Bird: Please ask tactical questions next time or I’ll fly away. 

    Zikoko: Now that you’re allowed back here, what’s your relationship with Lai Mohammed and Bashir Ahmad like?

    Twitter Bird: I’d rather not talk about it.

    Zikoko: In the last interview we had with you just after the ban was announced, you said they might cage you if they caught you in our office.

    Twitter Bird: And now, I know why the caged bird sings. [Twitter Bird gazes into the distance]

    Zikoko: [wiping a tear] Come through, Maya Angelou.

    Twitter Bird: *chirp chirp* Right now, I don’t think anything can happen. We’re all on the same page. You can’t enjoy me and still be working against me.

    Zikoko: Be grateful they are not Lagos men. Those ones will enjoy you and actively work against you.

    Twitter Bird: You humans are tiring. I can’t relate.

    Zikoko: So, what will the situation be like for you now, especially with Crowwe and Koo in the market?

    Twitter Bird: I don’t know she or her.

    Zikoko: Haba, don’t be like that nau. They are your fellow social media apps.

    Twitter Bird: Are they? Who knows them, does Google recognise them?

    Zikoko: Ehen nau. Koo was introduced as an alternative to you, after you were denied entry into Nigeria.

    Twitter Bird: Well, here’s a tweet that perfectly sums up what I have to say:

    Zikoko: Omo, please speak softly. They just unbanned you; the gates of your prison are still wide open oh.

    Twitter Bird: And Nigerians can still download their VPNs back, so what are you saying?

    Zikoko: You’re bold o.

    Twitter Bird: That’s what seven months in a transparent jail does to you. 

    Zikoko: But what about Crowwe, Adamu Garba’s brainchild?

    Twitter Bird: [bursts into loud laughter]

    Zikoko: Why are you laughing?

    Twitter Bird: Brain child suggests the existence of a brain. I wouldn’t say—

    Zikoko: Oya, swallow it like that. Don’t put us in trouble. 

    Twitter Bird: I like how your government leaders think I don’t know why they decided to give me my back my freedom.

    Zikoko: Oh, you do? Tell me, please.

    Twitter Bird: 2023 is a few months away.

    Zikoko: 

    Twitter Bird: Oh, I’m not mad at it. In fact, I admire the thought process. But there’s one thing I want to say to them. Is there a camera I can look at while I speak to them?

    Zikoko: Uhm, Twitter Bird, this is not a video interview.

    Twitter Bird: All well and good. You help me tell them then?

    Zikoko: Depends on the message o…

    Twitter Bird: You couldn’t live with your own failure, where did that bring you? Back to me.

    [Twitter Bird flies away, singing its freedom song.]

    Now I fly, hit the high notes

    I have a voice, have a voice, hear me roar tonight

    You held me down

    But I fought back loud, oh

    No, I don’t care if I sing off key

    I find myself in my melodies

    I sing for love, I sing for me

    I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

    I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

    I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

    [Zikoko turns off VPN]

    Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.


    READ NEXT: Interview With The Remembrance Day Pigeons: “Tell Buhari We Have Just Started”

  • Love It or Hate It: Comrade Memes

    If you’ve been on Bubu’s internet over the past few weeks, you’ve probably come across a meme with an ugly green frog making an equally ugly face. Originally referred to as the Pepe The Frog meme, this image has been adopted by Nigerians and rebranded as “Comrade” on the TL. With all the drama surrounding its use, we’ve decided to ask Nigerians what they think about this new meme for Love It/Hate It. 

    Ajoke — “The meme is for bullies. Periodt.” 

    Nigerians like to act brand new when you call them out on their bullshit. These memes have been used to downplay sexual assault and harassment, misogyny, queerphobia and every other unnecessary phobia under the sun. Now that we’ve clocked it for what it is, people are coming out to say we don’t want “poor” people to have fun? From where to where? If you want to be a bully on social media, do it with your chest, you’re not a victim here. Shift. 

    Jeremiah — “It’s really not that deep.”

    First of all, I don’t find the memes funny. That being said, I think people are overreacting. Every meme has been used negatively and this won’t be the first time. If you don’t find them funny, unlook and move on. Everybody go dey alright last last. There’s no reason why anyone should be writing a thesis over a stupid meme. It’s really not that deep. 

    Uche — “Not you guys caping for a razz meme.”

    Before people come for me and call me classist, let me start by saying I use a ton of memes you guys might consider razz, but you see this frog thing? Ewww. It’s a meme people use when they can’t defend or make an intellectual argument. You’re trying to say something serious and in comes a couple of random people with the bloody meme. We need to kill it with fire abeg. 

    Bello — “Women hate seeing men happy. It’s that simple.”

    If you look closely at most of the people nagging about the meme, you’ll realise it’s the women on the timeline. How are you seeing misogyny and homophobia from a meme? The truth is, if you look for something, you’ll probably find it and I think that’s what’s happening here. There’s just a lot of bitterness, and for what? But like Buju said, “No come use your reggae to spoil my blues and rhythm now.”

    Karen — “What the hell is a ‘comrade meme’?”

    This is the first time I’m hearing of this and I’ve been online almost every day this year. Wait….the frog thing? Does it have an identity? Mad o! I don’t use it and I doubt the people close to me do, so honestly, I could care less. People are actually dying. 

    Chinedu — “It’s not funny at all. Those memes are dangerous AF!” 

    As a trans man, I don’t find these memes funny at all. It’s easy for the heterosexual community — especially straight men — to dismiss the meme because it doesn’t affect them, but that doesn’t mean it’s not harmful to other people. How does trivialising people’s experiences and sufferings sound like a good idea to anyone? We complain a lot about suffering at the hands of the government, meanwhile, given the slightest opportunity, we are always excited to shit on other people. It’s messed up. 

    Daniel — “A lot of things are funny to different people for different reasons.”

    I’ve never posted a comrade meme before, but whenever I see one, I burst out laughing. I like how many times they mix it with a picture of something pop culture-related. For example, yesterday, I saw one where someone put the frog head on the “12 Years A Slave” movie poster and changed the title to “12 Years A Comrade”, and I just couldn’t stop laughing. I don’t see any reason to hate it, but I also understand that like many other memes on the internet, people may use it for bad purposes. It’s the internet though, you should expect it. 

  • 10 Of The Funniest Tweets From November 2021

    Nigerians are truly some of the funniest people in the world and they continue to prove it by how they keep making us laugh on Twitter despite a ban.

    Here are some of the funniest tweets from TwitterNg from November 2021

    The memes that came from this tweet

    Yes, we know the tweet is from October but the memes were legendary.

    1. LMFAOOO

    Now you understand why we had to include the first one.

    2. Is there anything that’s out of line to Nigerians? We guess not

    3. Lovers code

    Ifeoma is doing it right. Whatever she’s doing is the right thing.

    https://twitter.com/khagan_c/status/1464240704427810820?s=20

    4. This isn’t exactly a joke, but it’s still funny.

    Sanwo is protesting against Sanwo. Wetin Musa no go see for gate?

    https://twitter.com/larryfeyiii/status/1465733014705655808?s=20

    5. And he proudly said he attended Wizkid’s concert

    The quoted tweets were smoking this man and this one is the funniest.

    https://twitter.com/Shaliah88014479/status/1465613353607385096?s=20

    6. LMFAOO. You have to be on Twitter long enough to understand some jokes.

    LMFAO. How do people think of stuff this funny?

    7. *Frantically does sign of the cross*

    Nigerians don’t see a line and we love them for that.

    https://twitter.com/UTisKore/status/1464936523791585282?s=20

    8. We yellep

    Low scream, semi loud scream, loud scream.

    19. Netflix in a nutshell

    10. LMFAOOOO

    Why does this video even exist?

  • 9 Things Jack Dorsey Can Do With His Newly Acquired Free Time

    Jack Dorsey, ex-CEO of Twitter, announced he’ll be stepping down as CEO and handing over his position to the new CEO Parag Agrawal

    We’ve helped Jack put together a list of things he can spend his time doing since he’s now less busy. 

    1. Do hookup

    We aren’t trying to mention names of people he should hook up with, but laying with Lai won’t be such a bad idea. Maybe Jack should think about this and let us know how available he is to help us. 

    2. Settle Twitter fights

    Who’s better to settle Twitter than the chief of Twitter himself? He has kuku seen all the fights before and knows what’s best to say in any situation.

     

    Chinedu Ikedieze - Videos & Movies - Netnaija

    3. Make Adamu Garba’s dreams come true

    The only way Adamu Garba’s lifelong dream can come true is if Jack visits Nigeria and dines with him before the cock crows.

    4. Fight Donald Trump face to face

    Jack has all the time to become a black belter and beat Donald Trump up for all the foolishness he ever tweeted. This is a fight the whole world is going to be willing to watch. It’s only right Jack considers doing this. 

    View Samegoogleiqdbsaucenao Blurry Punch Pepe , - Pepe The Frog Punch Gif,  HD Png Download - kindpng

    5. Change his name to Jachike

    He needs to change his name to Jachike and somehow find someone to sell Nigeria to him on the black market. We all know we need a white looking Nigerian man to save us from ourselves. 

    6. Fight Bubu

    We all know how passionate Jack is about Nigeria and his support and involvement during the EndSars protest. He can tone that support up a notch and fight Bubu for banning Twitter in Nigeria. A king, we stan. 

    Man Punching Screen GIFs | Tenor

    7. Drink paraga

    Jack can drink as much paraga as he wants while Parag does the work. Work is for Parag; paraga is for Jack. 

    8. Get married and give his mum twins

    We know without a doubt that his mum wants him to have Taiye and Kehinde. He should use his free time doing that. There’s no work stopping him now.

    9. Join FemCo

    Of course, it only makes sense that Jack joins the winning team.

  • 7 Ways The Twitter Ban Affects Women

    We have written about some of the ways the Twitter ban affects Nigerians. Here’s a list of the ways the ban affects Nigerian women. It will affect their access to:

    Twitter ban affects women

    1. Learning opportunities

    Twitter has always been a source of information to many women. In an article published yesterday, some women talked about how they learnt about feminism on Twitter. Twitter also provides a space to unlearn harmful ideas such as toxic relationship ideals. 

    2. Support from other women

    Twitter also provides Nigerian women with support they would otherwise not have access to. For example, women can reach out to non-government organiszations like Stand To End Rape and the Consent Workshop on Twitter for sexual harrassmemnt cases; The Initiative For Equal Rights for queer women. Mental health care organizations like Mentally Aware Nigeria and She Writes Women are also easily accessible on Twitter. 

    3. Community 

    Many communities for women were built on Twitter because of its real-time communication feature. The protests against gender-based violence that broke  out in June 2020 started and was organised on Twitter. 

    Many women talk about how they have made friends who have turned into family on Twitter.

    4. Some form of justice 

    Over the past few years, Nigerian women have used Twitter to call out abusers and rapists as the justice system often dismisses cases of violence against women as minor issues or family disputes. 

    5. Job opportunities 

    Many Nigerian women have found jobs on Twitter, simply by replying to a tweet or by cold emailing a founder to offer their services. Scholarship opportunities as well as creative workshop opportunities are also easily available on Twitter. 

    6. A space to raise awareness for women centred causes 

    Twitter has been a space to raise awareness for causes that concern women such as gender based violence, endometriosis, cervical cancer, postpartum depression and even less known symptoms of pregnancy. 

    7. Business 

    Nigerian women like other people around the world sell their products on Twitter. Some women combine Twitter with other social media platforms while others prefer the control using one platform gives them. With the Twitter ban, many of them have stopped tweeting and have had to chase alternative means to generate revenue. 

    Subscribe to our newsletter here.

  • 8 Nigerian Women Talk About Finding Their Partners On Twitter

    Amongst the other things Twitter is to people — the source of information and access to opportunities, it is also a place to find the love of your life. In this article, eight Nigerian women talk about meeting their partners on Twitter. 

    partners on Twitter

    Lili 

    My partner and I started talking on Twitter in 2016. He tweeted something about being irreligious and I found it ludicrous. I messaged him for his number and we started talking. We met for the first time at a creative event and remained friends. We slowly went from talking once in a while to talking every day. Occasional hangouts followed, and by January 2019 we had started dating. 

    Amaka

    My boyfriend and I had been following each other for a while, but I don’t think we ever interacted until last year. One day, I tweeted that I needed a plug for something and he sent me a vendor’s contact. 

    A few months later, I deactivated my account because life was being a bitch. He noticed I was gone for a while and when I returned, he messaged me to check in. Checking in turned to hours on the phone. We both love music so we would listen to music together over the phone via Spotify’s group session

    A week later, we decided to meet in person. The morning of the meeting, he told me he liked me and I responded, “Oh, you do? I had absolutely no idea. It’s not like we spent hours on the phone depriving each other of sleep like we don’t have work.” That weekend was the best weekend I had had in a while. We started dating a month later and we are 10 months in now. 

    Omegie

    I had given up trying to find a partner in real life and I felt like Twitter would be a better place to find love. I thought I could easily find people like myself whose values aligned with mine. My partner and I met in March. She wasn’t active on Twitter but we had interacted a few times. One day, I tweeted, “Like this tweet and I will tell you what I think about you.” She liked it and I messaged.  We immediately clicked in a way I hadn’t with anyone else before. We moved to WhatsApp and started doing video calls. We officially started dating in May. Sometimes, I wish we met in real life because Twitter is where I hide from reality. I tweet all my thoughts unguarded so her having access to that makes me feel watched but she’s reasonable and understanding. We hardly interact on the timeline and I think that’s because we have a lot of other platforms that we talk more on. I go through our old Twitter chats when I need something to smile about. 

    Layo 

    My boyfriend and I went to the same primary school. We weren’t in the same set, so we weren’t in contact. One day, a video of him went viral and I messaged him to ask if he went to our primary school. He said yes and that’s how we started talking. We met a couple of times and it’s been great ever since.

    Nene 

    Before my partner and I started dating, I had been seeing her tweets. She looked hot and seemed to have sense but I wasn’t sure she was queer. 

    One day, I texted her to say she looked familiar and that she is really cute. It turned out her sister and I went to school together. I thought it would be a turn off for her but it wasn’t. We kept talking and two weeks later, we went out together. That day, I realized that she was someone I didn’t want to ever be without. Every day, I experience love in new ways with her. It feels good to watch myself change positively. 

    Ella 

    When I relocated to his state, I put up a tweet asking people in that state to like it. He did that and commented. That’s how we became friends. Although we hit it off, we had no intentions of dating. This changed when we met a month ago and realized that we were in love. We have been dating for a few weeks.

    Memuna

    Twitter suggested my account to my husband for him to follow. He said he looked at my profile picture and read my blog before following me. I saw his profile picture, and I followed back. He messaged to say hello and that’s how we started chatting every day.

    We met up a few weeks later and it went well. We started dating shortly after. Now, we are married with two kids. 

    Ife 

    I followed my boyfriend on Twitter. His bio at the time was, “I am a lot of things.” I messaged him asking him to share some of the things he was. His reply was funny and the conversation continued. We talked off and on for about eight months. We started talking about feelings in January 2020. By February, we started dating.

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  • 6 Ways The Twitter Ban Affects Nigerians

    Bants aside, over the past 10 years, Twitter has grown to be a source of livelihood, companionship and information. This ban as declared by the Federal Ministry of Information and Culture has a ripple effect on millions of Nigerians. Here are six ways Nigerians will be affected by the ban: 

    Twitter Ban

    1. Business sales/conversions

    Many Nigerian small businesses use Twitter as their sole storefront while others combine efforts with other social media platforms such as Instagram and Facebook. For smaller businesses, owning a Twitter account sidesteps the hassle of sourcing and renting a physical store. Bigger businesses use Twitter to update customers on new products and address immediate concerns about their product or service. With this ban, these businesses will be cut off from loyal users as well as potential markets. 

    2. Job opportunities

    Alongside the banter tweets across the timeline, tweets like this often go viral. 

    https://twitter.com/lara0gunt0mi/status/1355972230291857410?s=21

    Sometimes, these people come back to tweet that they got the job. Twitter has also been instrumental in calling out fake job opportunities. A Twitter ban curtails access to information like this. 

    3. Visibility

    Minorities which include smaller ethnic groups, the LGBTQ community, the differently-abled community and other underrepresented groups use Twitter to discuss issues that affect them. This helps them gain visibility and many times, help from random strangers on the internet. This also applies to atrocities committed by the government or criminal cases such as the Lekki Toll Gate Shooting or robbery hotspots across the country which might otherwise go without any demand for accountability. More recently, people tweet pictures of their missing loved ones in hopes that someone has some information about them. 

    4. Information

    Nigerian youth use Twitter as a source of news. As Television and radio compete with social media platforms and streaming services, Nigerian youth rely on Twitter as a source of information. Many Nigerian news platforms break news on their Twitter accounts. The government often uses Twitter to pass information across the country. Without Twitter, the government is more or less out of touch with its people. 

    5. Informal education

    Twitter is a good way to learn things you would otherwise not know. For example, many UX designers say they found UX design on Twitter alongside a community.

    Other times, it’s practical things like how to use a VPN. 

    6. Fundraising/ sourcing for help

    As the economy worsens, more and more Nigerians use Twitter to crowd raise funds for health purposes, academic purposes and sometimes even day to day survival. Many times, Twitter users have contributed enough money to see a family through distress. With a ban, such opportunities would be deprived of people who have no other alternatives. 

  • 7 Times The Nigerian Government Has Mocked Free Speech

    by Timinepre Cole

    On Friday, June 4 2021, the Federal Ministry of Information and Culture announced the suspension of Twitter operations in Nigeria indefinitely.

    There are concerns that the ban is an attempt to restrict freedom of speech and expression because this is not the first time the government has done this. Here are seven other times since Nigeria’s independence in 1960 where the government has made a mockery of free speech.

    free speech

    1. 1967 — Imprisonment

    In 1967, Nigerian author Wole Soyinka was arrested and imprisoned for twenty-eight months for commenting about the state of the country shortly before the Biafran genocide.

    2. 1984 — Decree Number 4

    In 1984, Muhammad Buhari who was head of state at the time passed Decree Number 4, The Protection Against False Accusations Decree which criminalised publishing any statement or rumour that brought the government or any public officer to ridicule.

    3. 1986 — Assassination 

    In October 1986, Nigerian Journalist and editor-in-chief of the defunct Newswatch, Dele Giwa was assassinated by a letter bomb for exposing corrupt and illegal practices of the Nigerian government.

    4. 2016 — Cyber Security Law  

    In September 2016, several investigative journalists and bloggers were arrested, detained and charged under Nigeria’s Cyber Security Law with some of them being accused of criminal defamation.

    5. 2019 — Communications License Suspension

    In June 2019, the National Broadcasting Commission suspended the license of Daar Communication Plc, a media and entertainment company owned by Raymond Dokpesi, a principal member of the opposition party, PDP. The company was accused of airing inciting broadcasts and media propaganda against the government.  In the same month, State Security Services announced a crackdown on social media users for allegedly posting inciting materials threatening the stability of the country on the internet.

    6. 2019 — Anti-Social Media Bill

    In November 2019 the Nigerian senate proposed the Social Media Bill to restrict the use of social media in transmitting information. Though the bill has not been passed into law, it is another attempt to stifle free speech.

    7. 2020 — #ENDSARS Protests 

    In October 2020, after thousands of Nigerian youths protested online and offline, calling for an end to police harassment and brutality, the Central Bank of Nigeria froze the accounts of individuals publicly linked to the #EndSARS protest. Travel documents of some of the protesters were seized and some were arrested and charged for criminal incitement.

  • 10 Things You Can Do Now That There Is A Twitter Ban In Nigeria

    With the recent ban Twitter ban in Nigeria by the Federal Government, here are some fun things you can do with the time you spent on Twitter.

    1) Farm

    Since you have more time on your hands, you can engage in some productive farm work. That way, you can feed the nation.

    2) IELTS

    All the time you used to spend on Twitter can be converted into studying for your IELTS exam, so you can japa to a country that won’t be stressing you like this one.

    3) Marry

    Now that there are no fine people on Twitter to distract you, you can finally settle down with the person in your area that has been cutting eye for you. Sha invite us for the wedding.

    4) Join the army

    Now that our youth will no longer be wasting time on social media, they can channel that energy into protecting and defending the nation. Yes, we know Abubakar Shekau has been killed a few times before, but now you can kill him some more. At least if you join willingly, maybe they’d leave corpers alone.

    5) Find the cure for HIV

    According to Nigerian parents, the reason you’re not progressing in life is because you’re pressing phone. Now that Nigeria has banned Twitter, you have one less thing to make you press phone. Get ready to achieve your full potential.

    6) Consume Zikoko content

    Luckily for you, Zikoko content isn’t just on Twitter. With the ban, you can check out our website and see the full collection of things we have to offer. You can also check out our YouTube channel for videos that’ll take the stress off.

    We’re not proud, we’re begging.

    7) Find the cause of Lagos traffic

    With all that free time, maybe we can finally come together as a society and figure out what’s causing all the traffic in Lagos.

    8) Collect loan

    Since there’s no Twitter, where will they be able to drag you and call you a debtor? My dear collect loan and RUN.

    Please don’t say it’s Zikoko that told you o

    9) Move to Ghana

    That way, you will be able to use Twitter without Lai Muhammed and Buhari collecting it from you. Plus since Twitter wants to open offices in Ghana, you can easily hold Jack’s shirt if he does anyhow.

    You and Jack when he rolls out a new Twitter service and he does not give you

    10) Fix Nigeria

    Since we all know that Twitter is the cause of all of our problems as a nation. Now that it has been banned, Nigeria will finally move forward. It doesn’t matter if there’s a security problem in the nation, or our roads are bad and we don’t have constant electricity. As long as Twitter has been banned, Nigeria has won.

  • This Twitter Account Is Digging Up The Funniest Nigerian Tweets Ever

    A few days ago, this Twitter account started compiling out of context Nigerian tweets and we haven’t stopped laughing since. Here are some of the gems that they’ve dug up, and we’re sure there’s more to come.

    1. Is there FIFA in hell?

    https://twitter.com/nocontext_9ja/status/1397088423501078528?s=20

    2. That’s not how you use the dove emoji.

    https://twitter.com/nocontext_9ja/status/1396756624845549571?s=20

    3. Modern problems require modern solutions

    https://twitter.com/nocontext_9ja/status/1396727417318907904?s=20

    4. Call Of Duty gets really intense sometimes.

    https://twitter.com/nocontext_9ja/status/1396908014280626176?s=20

    5. He needed the energy to move.

    https://twitter.com/nocontext_9ja/status/1396539529943732231?s=20

    6. This would bang, not gonna lie.

    https://twitter.com/nocontext_9ja/status/1396495162805833728?s=20

    7. Old but gold

    https://twitter.com/nocontext_9ja/status/1396462229814452226?s=20

    8. It’s the smirk emoji that makes this tweet perfect

    https://twitter.com/nocontext_9ja/status/1396447006919467009?s=20

    9. Cutlass?

    https://twitter.com/nocontext_9ja/status/1396169604058304513?s=20

    10. Okay, hold on.

    https://twitter.com/nocontext_9ja/status/1395836242705670148?s=20

    11. Obviously, there’s this classic.

    https://twitter.com/nocontext_9ja/status/1395795826954412032?s=20

    12. And this one too.

    https://twitter.com/nocontext_9ja/status/1396005959177285635?s=20

    13. This tweet is legendary.

    https://twitter.com/nocontext_9ja/status/1396096752525185032?s=20

  • 11 Things That Can Happen If Twitter Office Was In Nigeria

    Fellow Nigerians, we believe you have heard the news: Twitter is now building a team in Ghana. In other words, Jack Dorsey and his fellow Twitter people bypassed Nigeria the giant of Africa, and our amazing Jollof rice and went to pitch their tent in Ghana.

    But we are not angry. Honestly, we are not. Because if Twitter came to Nigeria, here are 11 things that will surely happen:

    1. First of all, Sanwo-Olu will congratulate them.

    As per, ‘We are proud of the strides our youths are making, etc etc’. But we both know that it is formality. Please take your seat, the real Sanwo-Olu will be with you soon.

    2. Jack will have to drop something for the boys before they can start any business oh.

    No more tuale, double puate! Jack Baba, drop something for the boys!

    3. And then they will have to run on generator.

    Because where will they see light to function properly?

    4. Internet will spoil their market oh.

    We that we are ordinary citizens sef, Internet providers are flogging us left, right and centre. How much more Twitter people?

    5. Of course, hold-up will catch them.

    5 Types Of People On Sunday Night | Zikoko!

    No be Naija we dey?

    6. Hello, the real Sanwo-Olu.

    That man is a rite of passage at this point. Even Twitter will eat their own breakfast. Perhaps it will come in form of a ban. Or a restriction. Jack and his people must sha Sanwo-Olu.

    7. D for what? DSS.

    Let Twitter put out one tweet the high and mighty of this country consider insulting, the next thing you know, DSS will go and pick them up.

    8. Besides sef, how will they buy SIM card and register NIN?

    You that you are not working with Twitter, have you been able to do your NIN? This country get as e be, my dear.

    9. Let’s not forget tax.

    The way the governement will seedily create a tax for them ehn. Hmm.

    10. Adamu Garba will finally launch his lawsuit.

    If he cannot catch Jack Dorsey, at least he will catch his workers. Imagine being punished for a crime your oga committed.

    11. One day, we will wake up and hear that Twitter has been banned. You know what will come next?

    Crowwe, but maybe they will call it Crow-ter, or Twit-Gidi. Or even Twi-geria. You know, it’s like Twitter, but for Nigerians.

    It is well with our souls. Please put some Jollof rice on fire.