You know SARS right? These guys?

The Special Anti Robbery Squad.

Their job is to protect Nigerians, you know, keep us safe. But it turns out we have to protect ourselves from them these days.

This is a step by step guide on how you can stay out of their trouble and  keep yourself safe .

Step 1: If you aren’t bald yet, go and cut your hair.

I repeat go to the nearest barber and chop it off!

Step 2: Pick up your phone, Grab a hammer, now smash it! Don’t stop, keep smashing it.

So when SARS says “Come on bring your phone” you can confidently say “sorry oga I don’t have”

Step 3: This might be the hardest thing to do, but you should take my advice and destroy your car as well. Or at least give it to someone you don’t care about.

If you don’t have a car and you take the bus, your chances of getting stopped are lower.

Step 4: If you wear shirts, ripped jeans, sunglasses or even skirts, please do not wear it out.

You see, they can’t say search you or say you’re dressed like a ‘yahoo boy or girl’ if you aren’t dressed at all.

Step 5: If you carry bags, please leave them at home. Do I still have to explain why?

When SARS asks you to bring your bag you can easily say “Sir I have nothing, I don’t even have a bag sir please sir.”

Step 6: Just pray to God they don’t ask for your ID card.

Because if your hair is mistakenly a bit full in that picture, well, God help you.

Step 7: You need to develop a love for staying at home. Sit down in your house.

Oya SARS come and meet me in my house.

Step 8: If you have to go out, do what you have to do and leave. Just say your hello and go.

Please do not be out for more than 30 mins before you go back into hiding.

Finally, if you happen to follow all these precautions and they still stop you

Just be saying “thank you for stopping me sir, I appreciate” but don’t forget to keep praying to God in your heart while you’re at it.