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Travel Guide | Zikoko!
  • I Spent ₦310k on a 6-Day Getaway in Abuja: The Breakdown

    I Spent ₦310k on a 6-Day Getaway in Abuja: The Breakdown

    I spent the first week of August 2022 exploring Abuja. I’ve lived here all my life but haven’t really explored the city because I have very strict Nigerian parents. I needed a break from house chores and some time to hang out with friends without thinking about getting back home early. So let’s just say, I found a way to get them off my case for a week.  Here’s a breakdown of what my budget for two looked like if you’re planning to do the same.

    Our starting budget for this trip was ₦200k for six days. Let’s see how well that worked out.

    Accommodation

    Criteria for picking a hotel

    • Proximity to central locations

    I started with a Google search for hotels within town — preferably within the Municipal Area Council like Wuse, Maitama, Wuye and Utako. If you want to push it, Garki and Lifecamp should be your worst-case scenario. 

    Staying outside those areas adds to your transport fare because most of the spots to eat and have fun are located in those central areas. If you hear anything like Kubwa, Lugbe, Lokogoma or Karimo, don’t try it — well, except the accommodation you’re getting is free.

    RELATED: 7 Nigerians Tell Us Their Worst Hotel Experience

    • Price point and quality

    Now that you’ve gotten a sense of the areas to consider, the hotel rates are a completely different ball game. The closer you are to central areas, the more expensive the rates are. Our ₦200k budget covered only three nights in some hotels, so imagine the stress we went through trying to find a decent place that wouldn’t wreck my bank account. 

    “Decent” meant the beddings were extremely neat — even though I always bring mine — bathrooms had walk-in showers and standard rooms come with complimentary breakfast. And considering the insecurity, the hotel had to be in a largely residential area where there are usually a lot of security guards.

    With those two main criteria, three options came up: the White Royalty Palace Hotel, Maitama; Imah Apartments, Wuse Zone 5; and Belmont Hotel, Wuye. White Royalty was ₦20k per night, Imah was going for ₦15k, while Belmont was ₦25k. At the start of my trip, the last two were fully booked. We checked them out on the third day of my trip, but I’ll share my experience at White Royalty first.

    This hotel made the list because a friend recommended it as one of the more affordable places to try. We’d rate our experience there 6/10, and here’s why:

    Pros:

    • Located in a central area, very accessible and serene.
    • Rooms are available for ₦20k a night, quite affordable in Abuja. However, I’d say, if you can, squeeze out ₦5k extra to get the ₦25k room which is much more spacious.
    • Bathrooms with walk-in showers and a water heater.

    Con:

    • No full-sized mirrors in the rooms, which made it hard to see whether you were looking like a snack.
    • Mattresses were not as firm as hotel beds should be. 
    • Beddings weren’t neat enough. I got a torn blanket in my room on my second night.
    • Cleaning service was a 2/5 for me.
    • No complimentary breakfast
    • Walls so thin, you’ll hear everything going on in the next room.

    After spending three nights at White Royalty Palace Hotel, we decided to check out Imah Apartments. It was ₦15k per night, so I was very sceptical. But who doesn’t like cheap thrills? 

    First, the location was off the mark. Yes, it was in a central area, but the roads were too narrow for two cars to move freely at the same time, and the building needed renovation because it looked run down and old. The staff, however, were very polite and carried our bags up the three flights of stairs we had to climb.

    Note that Imah Apartments isn’t a hotel. It’s a short-let apartment in a building, where people can rent out one of the four rooms for ₦15k per night, or ₦65k for all the rooms. 

    The rooms looked pretty decent, but they were tiny and the ones available had bathtubs instead of showers. I’m scared of slipping and falling in tubs, so it was a no for me. I may have overlooked those flaws if the whole place didn’t smell like burnt soup. 

    Pros:

    • Affordable.
    • Located in a central area.
    • Easy to locate and the staff were helpful with directions.

    Cons:

    • Rooms are very small.
    • Not the cleanest space.
    • Not a place you can check into late at night because the reception closes at 10 p.m. But if you call ahead, they can wait for you to arrive. It also didn’t feel secure because there was no one at the reception most times.
    • No complimentary breakfast.
    Reception hall

    We ended up not staying at Imah apartments, and checked into Belmont Hotel, Wuye, the same day. The reviews on Google were encouraging, so we decided to check it out. I called to confirm if they had a standard room for ₦25k available because some reviewers mentioned that they were always booked. Luckily, they had one available when we called.

    I was sold by the ambience at the reception. Everywhere smelt nice and looked extremely neat. The room didn’t disappoint either. My only issue would be the space, but ₦25k is their cheapest, so I wasn’t surprised.

    Pros:

    • Affordable, and every room came with a complimentary breakfast.
    • Food was quite affordable for a hotel because we could get a plate of fried yam and egg sauce for ₦3k. 
    • Staff was very nice and helpful with getting our bags in and out of the room.
    • Secure space with security cameras at almost every corner of the corridors and staircase
    • Extremely neat bathrooms.

    Cons:

    • While the location is accessible and not too far from the central areas, Bolt fares from the hotel cost an average of ₦1k – ₦1.1k compared to the ₦600 – ₦800 you’d pay if you were staying in other areas.
    • Access road to the hotel was locked between 7 – 10 p.m. You’d have to walk down to the hotel if you came back really late. 

    Between the three nights, we spent at White Royal Palace Hotel and the two at Belmont Hotel, we spent ₦115k.

    Thought Pyramid, Wuse

    Food

    If you eat like a thief in the night, Abuja will finish your money. We spent ₦110K to feed two people for a week. But in this economy, that’s fair.

    For the most part, we binged on Chicken Republic food because it was the most convenient and affordable to buy. 

    We basically ate one meal a day and binged on snacks from supermarkets around our hotel.

    RELATED: Creator Spotlight: Mitya, the Mukbang Creator Who Tells Stories Through Food

    Activities

    It’s obvious what we really did in Abuja was eat, but here are some of the fun activities we tried:

    Trukadero bowling alley

    Things are a lot pricier than they used to be and Value Added Tax (VAT) is another issue, but if you’re visiting Abuja for leisure, you need to be sure you can tick these boxes. My favourite activity was the paint and sip because there’s live music close by, with a Bluetooth speaker if you’d like to play your own music. 

    Paint and sip

    Overall, I went over my ₦200k budget by ₦99k. I also didn’t bother tracking the money I spent on Bolt beyond the ₦10k cash I spent in about three days. But don’t stress, the fares range between ₦600 – ₦1100. So I’d say, ₦350k is an ideal budget for one week of fun in Abuja.

    ALSO READ: 7 Hangout Spots in Abuja for When You’re Feeling Adventurous

  • “The Real Cost of My Dubai Vacation” — Dennis and Nnneka’s Breakdown

    “The Real Cost of My Dubai Vacation” — Dennis and Nnneka’s Breakdown

    Yes yes, you deserve to be in Dubai, shaking your ass in thongs on a yacht. But do you know how to do it all on a budget? No? Well, we’re here for you with an estimate of how much the visa fees, ticket, accommodation and a bit of enjoyment costs for a Dubai trip.

    Photo credit: Sascha Bosshard, Upsplash

    Dennis*, 28

    In May 2022, I travelled to Dubai with a ₦600k budget to take care of hotels and flights, and $1000 (₦425,500) for the nine days of the trip. Ideally, the visa is the first thing to sort out, and it typically costs ₦70k. But due to the Nigerian factor and how much our compatriots have messed up in the United Arab Emirates (UAE), the government put out restrictions on Nigerian male travellers

    The policy basically states that travellers under 35 years of age require parental consent before visas are issued. That means you’d have to apply for a visa for you and a parent with a considerable age difference who bears the same surname. But 35-year-old married men are exempted. All you need to do is apply using a marriage certificate. 

    The people who don’t fit into either category, like me, pay ₦185k as visa fees.  That’s more than a 100% increase from what it was in 2020. The visa was issued a week after, and I paid for my flight. Qatar Airways cost ₦336k for a direct flight. 

    I stayed at Studio M Al Barsha Hotel region for nine days. I chose it because it’s more residential, and it’s easier to access food from there. As opposed to more central areas like Bur Dubai or Jumeirah Beach Residence (JBR), it was more affordable. 1300 Dirhams (₦150,597) covered my hotel fees; the additional taxes rounded it up to 1500 Dirhams. 

    RELATED: 5 Things Evey Nigerian Does When They Visit Dubai

    I spent a lot of time at the Dubai Mall shopping for clothes at Zara, American Eagle and Gold Shouk, a more traditional market in Al Dhagaya. Everything rounded up to $1000 (₦425,500), but my biggest splurge was on the gold jewellery for my family and a few friends at Deira market

    Deira market is also the place to buy Nigerian food. I got tired of eating biryani ( basically white rice with egg and chicken concoction) and Chinese in the morning, afternoon and night. I think the spot is called Enish. I can’t remember how much I spent, but it was a lot more than what the pounded yam and egusi would be in Nigeria. I’d say it’s worth it though. 

    After draining my pockets on clothes, gold and food. I went into the fun activities; everything from Ski Dubai to the Dhow Cruise, which cost about 300 Dirhams (₦34,753) each. But the thing I’d recommend to try first is visiting Aqua Park and dune bashing in the Safari — they’re so thrilling! The museum of the future is also a good spot for tourists. It felt out of this world being there. So, these activities came down to $1500 – $2000 (₦638,250 – ₦851,000). 

    If there was anything I wish I was more prepared for, beyond the money I spent on shopping alone, it would be speaking English in Dubai. English felt useless over there because most locals didn’t fully understand what I was saying. So it’s either you get a tour guide or speak broken English. For instance, rather than say, “Can you take the four of us to Dubai Mall”, you may want to say, “Dubai Mall, four people, you go?” Just random stuff to ease communication.

    RELATED: “I Moved To Dubai At 19 For Photography” – Abroad Life

    Nneka*, 30

    My whole trip was a little over $2000 (₦851,000). The visa cost ₦75k and that didn’t include the required travel insurance. But to avoid the hassle of getting it myself, I got an agent. The only thing I did was book my flight with Emirates which cost about ₦380k. I think the ticket was more expensive than normal because I bought it a week before my departure date. 

    For my accommodation, I was going on a girls’ trip to celebrate my sister’s birthday, so we really wanted to splurge. We stayed in the central business district. It was a prime area around the Dubai International Financial Centre and compared to locations downtown, the area costs a lot more. But we were splitting three ways, so it wasn’t bad. The room was $120 (₦51,060) per night for each of us, and we were there for eight days. So, if you’re alone and you want to be in the central area, you need to budget at least $300 – $500 (₦127,650 – ₦212,750) per night for the basic luxury rooms. Airbnb is the easiest platform to book a place.

    We had a friend who got us Nigerian food from Deira market. I think I ate more Nigerian food in Dubai than any other type of food. We also visited Enish, a bar that served Nigerian food. But most of my money went into shopping and Uber fares. 

    I got most of the clothes I wanted for my kids from Deira market and did a bit of shopping in Dubai Mall — everything cost about $1000 (₦425,500). For cabs, I was spending between 30 – 100 Dirhams (₦3,475 – ₦11,584) depending on the distance.

    If you’d like to share your travel adventures with Zikoko or want to know the cost of travelling or living in a particular country, click here.

    Also, read this if you’re thinking about moving to Dubai: “Living In Dubai Is Not Expensive If You Stay In Your Lane”- Abroad Life

  • 6 Things You Can Do In Ilorin This Weekend

    6 Things You Can Do In Ilorin This Weekend

    Are you a visitor or an indigene who is in need of what to do in Ilorin this weekend? We came up with a list of places to visit, as well as possible activities to try out while you are in the State of Harmony.

    Photo Credit: Xultan Visuals

    Post Office – Challenge, Ilorin.

    1. Picnic at Succoth Valley Garden

    waterview ilorin during valentine's day

    Succoth Valley Garden is an outdoor spot with a breathtaking view of nature. You can go there to picnic, or simply to relax while you breathe in clean air. If you love nature, this is one place to explore in Ilorin. Succoth Valley Gardens is located at Yinka Dopemu Close, Off Catchment Road, Ilorin, Kwara state.

    2. Take a stroll into the University Campus

    10 Ways To Celebrate Valentine's Day As A Unilorin Student

    The university campus is also another place worth visiting in Ilorin. Simply take a bus into the campus and explore as much as you want.

    3. Shop at the Palms Mall, Fate

    Palms Shopping Mall, Ilorin, Kwara. -Photos & Reviews - Hotels.ng Places

    The Palms Mall is one of the many beautiful places to visit in Ilorin. There, you can shop at ShopRite, Miniso, and the other stores; you can also see a movie at Viva Cinema, order pizza at Dominos, ice cream from ColdStone, or the other ice cream spots in the mall. If you are a first time visitor to Ilorin, add this to your topmost list of places to visit.

    4. Go for a swim at Kwara Hotel

    Kwara Hotel | Hotel in Ilorin | Hotels.ng

    If you like swimming, here’s a fun place for you. You can also try Bekandims Hotel and Resort Centre which is located at Tanke, Oke-Odo.

    5. Visit the Kwara State Library or the National Library.

    Full List of Public and Private Libraries in Nigeria and their Addresses

    Both are located around the Post Office area. For book lovers and readers, these are places to get some reading or writing done.

    6. Visit the national museum.

    National Museum, Ilorin, Kwara. - Photos & Reviews - Hotels.ng Places

    And if you are the kind who is interested in history and artefacts, the national museum is located at Number 14, Abdulkadir Road, GRA Ilorin, Kwara.


    Here’s something else for you: All The Things You’ll Relate To If You’ve Lived In Ilorin

  • What It’s Like Travelling The World With The Naira

    What It’s Like Travelling The World With The Naira

    Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.

    The subject of this week’s story is a Financial Consultant whose journey starts on Wall Street and currently sits in Lagos. He’s in his mid-30s, and would rather stay home and read a book than go to a party.


    I’ve never met a Nigerian who’s more travelled than you, for starters. When did this all start for you? 

    I took the first step in 2010; a deliberate international trip to the Dominican Republic. It was the year I left university and realised there’s a whole world out there that I needed to see. 

    But the hunger for the road had always been there. I’ve always been curious. I remember when I discovered maps in my dad’s library as a child. It was super exciting. 

    People get excited about comic books but with me, it’s maps. They capture my attention even now. I remember being in an interview and there was a map behind the interviewer, and I had to angle myself because I was quite distracted. 

    It became clear that I was going to be somebody who was not afraid to explore when I wandered off with a sibling and cousin and then got lost. 

    Back to that first trip, what was that like? 

    The experience of stepping into a culture I didn’t know was overpowering. It kicked off from there. So from that point on average since 2010, I’ve entered a new country every 33 days. 

    Woah. How many countries have you been to?

    110.

    That’s a lot of countries and a lot of money. Let’s start with the money part. How about a brief summary of your income history. 

    The first time I really made money was 2004. I was in my freshman year in university in the United States. I was financing myself for the most past. But because I didn’t have a work-study authorisation – what lets international students work in the US – I was not able to work on or off-campus. 

    Then a professor pitied me and said, “You’re coming to work as a lab monitor, let’s get it sorted right away.” And so I started off earning. I can’t forget the amount – $5.05 per hour for 12 hours a week. A lifesaver for $60 – 70 a week. 

    I’d done internships and so after my university, I worked at some of the biggest investment banks in the world, starting at $70,000 a year and then going up about $5000 every year. 

    Then I left for my MBA in 2010. Finished that in 2012.

    Interesting. And after your MBA?

    Another financial services firm. I was getting paid $130,000 a year. Then I took time off work and travelled. I travelled from January 2017 till July of that year. I started working in consulting in July, and I’ve been in consulting for about two years now.

    Wait, wait, let’s not speed past six months of constant travel. 

    That was mostly funded by savings from previous years of work. I was also paid a relocation allowance by the consulting gig I was getting, so I didn’t have to draw too deeply on savings. Travelling at a non-rushed pace enabled me to book competitively priced flights and there were a number of destinations I stayed in for free. 

    And most of these – probably 80% – were self-catering so I could prepare my own meals. 

    How many countries did you go in those months?

    21. Man, I never counted before. That’s a lot.

    You still have the numbers. That is wild. How much did all of this cost? 

    If you looked at something every day for weeks, you would probably have the numbers too. It cost about $11,000 – no I think that’s a lot. Let’s say 10. Flights took about $5,000. And the key is to book with flexibility. To embrace the idea of booking flights in the middle of the week, for example. It was a question of checking my routes daily and waiting till something sensible popped up. 

    How do you travel so frugally?

    First of all, I stopped travelling on a credit card – I realised it’s just not a responsible thing to do. So I only finance travel from my current income – I put away 8% of my income. Also, I’m very deliberate. I always have a cap on how much a flight should cost, based on distance and how long I’m going to be spending there. For example, I’m planning a trip, and I don’t want to spend more than $40 on a room – that’s about 14,000. 

    I also break my travel expenses into buckets; transport (flights, rail, road), accommodation, essential and non-essential services. 

    On accommodation, for example, I won’t go more than $40 for a rough-it holiday. For anything else, I won’t go more than $70 a night.

    Essential services are things like a guide for a particular outing. You definitely need a guide. Non-essential services – you don’t want to get too crazy. So you just set yourself a budget for mostly food. 

    Wikipedia. Wikihow. Wikieverything.

    What? 

    You, hahaha. 

    Oh, I just need to make sure I know what I’m seeing, by planning. I also want to know what latitude I’m at, the time zone, and in what direction I’m travelling. Where’s the river? To go to a place without having that pre-orientation, to me is almost illegal. I always want to look at a map, then get the context of it and all of that. 

    Okay, let’s get off the road a little. July 2017, settling back after 6 months on the road. 

    Well, I was resuming to the job in Nigeria – we get paid in naira – so we started off at about ₦29,000,000, which has now gone up to the mid-thirties. 

    Let’s break down what your expenses generally look like? 

    I’m actually not a big leisure spender even when I’m not travelling. I go to three places. Two nice restaurants. And maybe somebody is having a house party and I go. But typically, I don’t accept most invitations. I mean, I don’t tell them no. I’ll just say, “Oh, how thoughtful of you.” But if there’s a close relationship, then, of course, I’ll go. But for the most part, I’ll just stay home and read a book or watch a documentary. 

    I don’t eat out a lot, I don’t go out a lot, I don’t drink alcohol, I haven’t been to a club in years, so what I tend to spend my money on, gosh – 

    What? 

    I’ll tell you, a large expenditure – which is a bit sad actually – especially in the last two years is on medical because I’ve been having a sort of escalating medical challenge. I spend ₦9,000 on Uber every week.

    I find it interesting that you think about money in percentiles, and in terms of annual income.

    When you work in financial consulting, it forces you to be this person.

    What’s the most annoying miscellaneous you’ve had to pay for?

    Well, it wouldn’t be a recurring one, because I’d have cut it out. Sometimes, something unexpected happens, but it’s unavoidable. Like “oh there’s a leak in one of your pipes, so we need you to sort it out.”

    That’s inconvenient. That’s annoying.

    To be honest, my miscellaneous expenses aren’t many. And the reason is that I’m quite deliberate in the way I plan out my life, and obviously that has cost implications.

    For example, because I don’t drink or drive, I’m not going to get into that accident that will cost me x amount of money to fix. Or to pay the person whose car I crashed. 

    That’s an interesting way to look at it. 

    Oh, I didn’t mention, I got kidnapped by terrorists once. 

    Wait a minute.

    In 2017. Lebanon. 

    Woah. Because you’ve said Lebanon, in my head I’m thinking Hezbollah?

    Before I answer, let me rephrase it. When I say, “I got kidnapped by terrorists,” I’m being lazy with the choice of words. I got abducted by a group whose military arm certain states have designated as a terrorist group – Hezbollah. 

    Fair enough.

    I got kidnapped, but I wasn’t held overnight – only about 7 hours. They thought I was spying in a Hezbollah stronghold. They don’t get a lot of travellers there. They were holding me in a compound, so I tried to fake an asthma attack to get released. And then apparently, I did good acting, or maybe they were just humouring me. 

    They asked me to write my medication. I was hoping they wouldn’t find it because of the part of Lebanon I was in. That way, they’d let me go. 

    Did they find it? 

    Yes, they did, and they were really happy, hugging me. The area was Haret Hreik. I never really learned how to pronounce it. 

    So, I’d say that wasn’t a picnic – they did give me tea though. 

    Now that we’re talking about being a stranger, what are the most common reactions when people in other countries find out you’re Nigerian? 

    60% surprise. 20% disbelief (extreme surprise). The other 20% have no reaction.

    What are some of the weirdest things you’ve heard anyone say?

    Hahaha. But seriously though, travelling with money is one thing, passports are a completely different sport. 

    By an interesting strike of fortune, I have three passports: British, American, and Nigerian. And that makes things a lot easier. I can say that because before I got either my US or UK passport, I was travelling with my Nigerian passport. And I’ve travelled about 59 countries on that passport. 

    But the ease I had with the Nigerian passport is nowhere close to the ease I have today. 

    So passports aren’t a hack, it’s just a matter of circumstances. 

    So what about travel in Nigeria?

    All these nice frugal hacks don’t work in Nigeria for a few reasons. You don’t have reliable connections to the airport. Also, there’s not enough flexible work schedule for that to work. 

    Also, Nigerian bosses generally aren’t big with the idea of letting you break up your annual leave – two days here, three days there.

    For people that want to incorporate it into a busy work schedule, it’s expensive. A trip from Lagos to Abuja, for example, can cost up ₦40,000 return. 

    When you look at Western Europe for example, you’re travelling for a fraction of that. Then take away the financial aspect, those places are not really as accessible. If you’re not going to a major city, getting a flight to another part of the country is harder. 

    Accommodation is reasonable, you can get good places for ₦10,000 if you know where to look. 

    I’m curious about something. How do people everywhere think about money, compared to Nigeria? 

    It’s different things. For example, religion plays a significant role in how Nigerians think about money and what they want to invest in. 

    In the West, not so much. Religion plays a far less part than ethical considerations – it’s just a different set of considerations. For example, people would choose not to buy from a place because they don’t support gay rights. It just shows how advanced these societies have climbed in Maslow’s Pyramid. 

    Obviously, when you’re still worried about where your next meal is coming from, you’re not concerned that your meal is coming from putting money in the pockets of tobacco producers that cause lung cancer blah blah. 

    Also, people in developed countries generally have an extremely goal-oriented attitude towards money. 

    Okay, let’s get off the road again and come back to you. What are your finances looking like in, say 5 years? 

    I have no idea. It could be slightly more, or slightly less than what I’m earning. In five years, I could say aspirationally, I would want to be at about 140% of where I am today. 

    One of the things about me – which I don’t see as a plus even though some people disagree – is that it’s not in my nature to assess them from a monetary perspective. As long as I’m scaling a minimum hurdle, I’ll always go with the one that is convenient for me. I do like money – I value it a lot – but I’m not excessively motivated by it. 

    What about investments? 

    Low risk. It’s the first thing I look at. I’m not going to do something crazy, like buying Facebook stock.

    So what do I do? I buy index funds from developed countries. And then Treasury bills in Nigeria. 

    Random, but what’s something you want but can’t afford? 

    A global on-demand personal and domestic assistant. No matter where I am in the world, I just want like a genie in the bottle. Somebody who’s travelling with me and just making my life super easy. 

    I would say that perhaps, my aspirations are too unrealistic, but it might probably cost $150,000 a year, all things taken into consideration. 

    Let’s talk about financial satisfaction. 0-10. 

    Between 6 and 7. The gap is that I’m spending too much money on health. And that’s preventing me from saving. If it weren’t for that, I would probably say 9. 

    Last question: between your first trip and now, what has changed? 

    I suppose it’s no longer as magical as it used to be. Every country is still magical. Sometimes the magic is just not as pronounced. But it’s still magical. I remember how I felt back in 2010. And it could be because of the pressures of work, more responsibilities, more things on your mind you can’t actually let yourself go as completely as before. 

    Well, the magic is still strong with us at Zikoko. We’re about to hit the road, and we’ll be travelling across West Africa, looking for amazing stories about food, culture, language and of course people. We’re calling it #JollofRoad

    We’ll be sharing those stories every day, and if you show up at 12 pm every day from the 22nd of September, you’ll find a new story. 

    Promise.

    https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/1172210973316435968

    *This story has been edited and condensed to protect the identity of the subject.

  • How To Annoy An Older Nigerian

    How To Annoy An Older Nigerian

    Nigerians, much like the country we come from, can be varying reiterations of the same living, breathing paradox. One of the best examples is in how we view our attitude – Any description of Nigerians that does not use the word ‘resilient’ often feels incomplete, yet we have unimaginably short fuses.

    Ever walked through Ojuelegba on a Monday evening, preferably between the hours of 5 to 6 pm? You can almost taste the anger in the air, whether it manifests as car horns tooting unnecessarily or frustrated office goers trying to find their way back home in time to manage 2.3 hours of sleep.

    If you’re lucky enough, you might even catch a fight or two. Did you hear that short burst of noise followed by a heavy thud and then even more noise? That’s the fight. It already happened.

    Nigerians get angry at just about everything. But older Nigerians – well, they’re in a class all their own. We could chalk it down to a number of things, but what matters is that they like things a certain way.

    Never mind that this ‘way’ is like the Manchester United way, a myth that is only usefuul for criticising perceived slights. When things don’t go the way an older Nigerian wants, you will know.

    Sometimes, as in one case that involved a certain Nigerian Nobel Prize winner and Tony One Week, they begin by acting like they’re angry on behalf of other people. But do not be deceived – as we’ve learned from our mothers and fathers, it can be beautiful to watch, except more often than not, like the bicep-tattoo guy from this story, you’ll end up being blamed for everything, even if you were completely within your rights.

    To avoid stories that touch, many of us have had to learn the inner working of the older Nigerian’s mind since we first tried to hand our parents money with our left hands and spent the remaining week wondering if we were adopted.

    We want to help you too – that’s why we put together a few things that are sure to annoy any Nigerian. I would advise you to not do these things, but seeing as you may be Nigerian too, just do as you wish. I’m not trying to annoy you either.

    • Tell Them To Line Up In A Queue

    Nigerians live by our own laws – and we make them up as we go. It’s not that we are allergic to queues. It’s just that we know there are faster ways to get inside that bus than asking people to line up.

    When you’re younger, it may involve flying in through the window. But when you’ve lived up to 60 years in this endless re-enactment of “12 Years A Slave”, the average Pa Bayo believes he’s earned the right to jump the queue and just get what you need done. Woe betide you if you dare ask him to respect the line? What could you ever know about respect?

    • Show Them That You Don’t Know Who They Are

    This is how 90% of fights that happen in traffic get escalated. Random guy bashes other random guy’s car. The two begin a shouting match, then the older man hits turbo mode, beats his chest, raises his hands and shouts to the high heavens, “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”.

    No, we don’t, oga. Nobody does. Who you epp? Who are you? Do you have grey hair and stories of fighting in the Burma War that just don’t add up given you’re still alive? No? Now that you’ve been stupid enough to ask, kindly enjoy the endless trolling you just earned yourself.

    • Ask For Your Seat Back

    Kindly see the Twitter post below. May God save us from fighting on behalf of people who did not send us message.

    https://twitter.com/TheViralTrendz/status/1143105388344160256
    • Show The Slightest Sign Of Disrespect

    Or worse still, do something that shows you do not acknowledge or regard their presence. See, respect is to older Nigerians what croissants are to the French and Pasta is to Italians. That’s why the preferred Yoruba way of greeting older people can range from a slowed-down push-up to lying down with legs flailing like a beached whale.

    I’m convinced that Nigerians have a secret pouch that you collect when we turn 30 where allows us to collect respect throughout the day and convert it into dollars or something. That’s the only explanation.

    • Serve an older Nigerian food without obstacles

    ‘Obstacles’ or ‘motivation’ is slang for the random, often lonely piece of meat or fish that motivates the average Nigerian to finish his/her meal. Never mind that in other climes, meat and fish are major parts of people’s diets as opposed to the way we present them as the cherry on the top of a giant bowl of rice.

    God forbid you serve an older relative their food without meat; on the rare occasion that it’s unavoidable, you’ll have to apologise in person before serving the food. When you don’t, if they’re nice enough to not insult you in person, you’ll see it in the Church or Family Whatsapp group in a matter of weeks. Don’t ask how.

    • Having a Foreigner Insult The Country

    No one knows how shitty Nigeria is more than the people who come from here, for obvious reasons. So kindly explain why we should allow a foreigner to leave their own country and drag our own through the mud? Answer na!

    The funny thing about this is that we could well argue that the older generation of Nigerians oversaw our descent into the abyss – and many of them agree. But here’s the thing – they might not like the men in charge of our country’s affairs or how they’re running the country, they may drag us and our name in the mud in their Whatsapp BCs on a daily basis, But please be informed that they are the only people allowed to do these things. This thing should be in the official Nigeria Travel Guide even.

    What other ways do you know to annoy just about any older Nigerian? What did we leave out? Let us know in that box below..