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The streets are crazy, so if you’re getting to know someone romantically, here are a couple rules you might want to follow.
The do’s
“Remember, you’re not exclusive.” – Martins
You and your partner in talking might like each other a lot, but you need to remember that you’re still in the talking stage; nothing is set in stone, and you’re just getting to know each other. This means you can talk to as many people as you want.
“Get to know each other.” – Obiageli
The entire point of a talking stage is to learn more about each other, so actually do that. Talk to each other about the simple things — your likes, dislikes, hobbies — anything that won’t have them wondering how you haven’t spoken to a therapist or been declared clinically insane.
“Remember that you can always run.” – Mariam
If they’re unkind, homophobic, misogynistic, or just don’t have the same values as you do, pack your bag and run. It’s the talking stage, not prison.
“Remind them to give you space when you need it.” – Rhema
It’s the talking stage, which means you need to spend some time with this person and get to know them. However, that doesn’t mean they can call you out of the blue whenever they want or demand things from you. They need to know if you have boundaries you do not want to be crossed.
“Meet up” – Angel
It might be tempting to spend half your time talking over the phone, but at some point, you’ll have to put the phone down and meet in person. This way, you know if they’re actually your type, and they match your vibe.
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The don’ts
“Your family and friends don’t need to know them.” – Damian
Sure, you can tell the people in your life about this person you’re talking to, but why would you want to formally introduce the person you’re in a talking stage with to the people that have known you for years? What title would you even introduce your talking stage with?
“Don’t go second base.” – Somto
A little peck here and there is cute, but no heavy over-the-clothes petting and no sex. It might cloud your judgement and have you feeling things you shouldn’t.
“Don’t do pet names or nicknames.” – Damian
If you can’t formally introduce them to anyone in your life, why should they give you nicknames and call you “baby” or “sweetheart” outside? If people ask why they’re being all sweet on you, what would you say?
“Don’t force shit.” – Rue
Don’t act out of character or do things you think they’ll like so they’ll make the relationship exclusive, and you can become a boyfriend or girlfriend.
“Don’t be touchy.” – Ij
Everybody should keep their hands to themselves. You don’t need to hold someone’s waist or touch their shoulder just because they’re getting to know you. That’s not how things work.
Tiri gbosa for whoever came up with the concept of the talking stage Apart from the Nigerian government, that sunken place is the only other thing that has succeeded in making my life a semi-living hell.
From revelling in the late-night phone calls to realising that you’ve wasted your time, energy, and resources on something that’s going nowhere. Nothing is more humbling.
Here are all five stages of the place where love dies talking stage:
The meeting
You meet a random individual on the side of the street, in a bar, on a bus, or while slaving away to capitalism. They smile or make you laugh, and you’re convinced you’ve met the love of your life, the apple of your eyes, and the one you’ll wake up to pound yam for at 4 a.m..
The actual talking stage
This is where the talking happens and where the talking stage should naturally end and progress into better, more fruitful endeavours, like the actual relationship. But your village people have seen your happiness in their calabash and they don’t like it. So, after a month of giggling in the middle of the night and taking them with you everywhere via video calls, your feeling grows into something more. Not love nor lust, but a secret third thing.
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The obsession
At this point, you’ve spoken to them so many times you hear their voice in your dream. You can even draw their face from memory. More importantly, the little voice in your head that told you they’re your soulmate when you first methas become louder.
The realisation
Congratulations, you’ve hit the six-month mark of tomfoolery.Now, you know everything about your partner in iberibeism; their likes and dislikes; their aunty in the village who is always crossing her boundary. But the thing is, you’re beginning to wonder, “What TF are we?”
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The ghosting
In true “they can not see me finish fashion”, you start dropping hints and subs for your partner in foolishness to catch.
Sadly,this is where the bus comes to a stop and releases both of you from the madness. One of you will realise that nothing will ever come from this and ghost yourselves. This chapter of your love story has now come to a close. For how long? Only time would tell.
Before you get into that relationship, confirm if they have an olubawi who can caution them when they’re moving mad or handle the checks and balances in their life like the judiciary. Here’s how to know for sure and avoid crying later.
They’re always looking for clout to chase
Launching gender wars, moving like incels and capitalising on pain and trauma for social engagement is a clear sign your partner is in this life to make trouble. The chance that a clout chaser will take caution is slimmer than Timini’s moustache.
They’re Tinubu
If your partner is Tinubu or moves like him, then their case is even worse than not having an olubawi. They don’t have their ears to the ground because they’re surrounded by yes-men.
Or they support the Agbado mandate
No disrespect to your bae’s politics, but if they laud the hard-life policies of this government, they’ve not had anyone to tell them their head is not correct.
For Food Only
If your partner has five proteins on one plate in this Tinubu era, it means they’re robbing to maintain a banquet lifestyle, or they have no one to advise them.
The night is always young
They only come alive in the nighttime like a white owl. If they’re not a security guard or nightclub owner, what are they looking for outside when they could be burning airtime to convince you to let them in your life?
They simply hate advice
Whatever anyone tells them enters one ear and evaporates through the other one. With this attitude, there’s no way they can have an olubawi. The only voice they listen to is the one in their head.
Or their “olubawi” is crazier than them
Maybe they have an olubawi but their olubawi doesn’t call their misbehaviours to order because they’re the deluxe version of them. Fruits don’t fall far from the tree, dear.
What an elder Zikoko sees sitting down, you won’t see even if you climb a transformer. So we compiled a list of why you should cherish your talking stage for your benefit.
You get to self-reflect
Wanting to come off as interesting to the potential bae would make you search deep for appropriate answers to all their questions. After the 69th “Tell me about yourself”, you’d be forced to question who you really are.
You can be broke in peace
Everyone tells you how exciting relationships are, leaving out the staggering expenses. Whether it’s their birthday, Jesus’ or just children’s day, you must buy a thoughtful gift. But nobody expects anything from you at the talking stage because you’re not even together yet.
Go to bed early too
You don’t have to explain to anyone why you slept off during the talking stage. And if they start acting upset because you went to bed earlier than you said you would, you can just cut them off. They clearly hate you and will go after your life if the ship takes off.
And still get regular texts and calls
You get to enjoy the benefits of a relationship while escaping the bills that come with it. So you may not be “God when” goals but atleast you know you’re not a plastic spoon.
Save money on house chores
Do people who get pounded yam in talking stages have two heads? Start talking to young men and women with manners, and you’ll have one person pounding yam and another washing your curtains in no time.
You can flee if you get tired
An oloriburuku can only hide their bad character for so long, so once they show you they do usually craze, you can just pack your slippers and run. You’re not attached to them yet, so it’s that easy.
And stay mysterious
One day, you’re making “my man” tweets; the next, you’re saying “Love is for mumus”. You don’t know yet, but you’re keeping your fans on their ten toes. This can only happen if you jump in and out of talking stages instead of getting committed anyhow.
It builds character
Relationships are restrictive; you enter one and end up stuck there for life. But you get to build character when you’ve had to nurse two heartbreaks in a year from people you weren’t even in a relationship with.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Bisola*, 23, and Tunde*, 23, have been dating for a year. Today on Love Life, they talk about being in the talking stage while Bisola was in a relationship, being each other’s best friend and why they wouldn’t leave each other for ten million dollars.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Tunde: The first time we spoke was in August 2016. I asked her for her Snapchat handle on Instagram and she gave it to me. A few days later, she posted a picture of herself where she wasn’t smiling and I sent her a message saying she should smile more because she looks more beautiful when she smiles.
Bisola: I don’t remember this. My earliest memory is that DM he sent on Twitter in 2020,saying, “Hi, how are you doing?” It sparked a casual conversation. I liked the calmness of it and that he wasn’t trying too hard.
Tunde: That became a thing for us. Once in a while, I would send her a “Hi” and we would talk for a while. I knew she was in a serious relationship with a guy, who was a photographer. They would take pictures together and post it on social media. One day, she posted a video of her dancing on Snapchat and I replied with, “That waist movement. If not that you were married…”
Bisola: I pointed out that I was in a relationship not marriage and I was not opposed to meeting him. He asked if he could Facetime me. I told him it wasn’t a good time because I was wearing my bonnet and hadn’t showered. He was like, “It doesn’t matter,” and we got on the call.
What did you talk about?
Bisola: I told him the truth about my relationship. My boyfriend and I had been together for two years but he cheated on me every chance he got. My family knew him and they wanted me to marry him so I couldn’t just break things off. I liked how Tunde handled it when I told him. He didn’t judge me. He just asked me to look out for myself and think about my mental health. A lot of guys would have used the opportunity to say that they would never cheat on me but Tunde didn’t.
Tunde: We talked about other things too. She told me she liked to cook and she could sing. After a while, we continued the conversation via text.
Bisola: Our conversations became a nice escape from the mess with my boyfriend. We would spend hours talking on Facetime. I looked forward to his messages. In no time, I started to develop feelings for him. In September 2020, he told me he was coming to my city for a weekend and asked if we could go on a date. I told him I couldn’t go on a date while I was in a relationship but we could go on a friendly outing.
Tunde: LOL. A friendly outing that we kissed on. It was at a restaurant and we couldn’t stop staring at each other. The tension was live. I ended up spending the entire weekend at her place, instead of my Airbnb.
What about your boyfriend, Bisola?
Bisola: Luckily for me, I caught my boyfriend cheating again shortly after. This time, I broke up with him. I also told my parents about his cheating so no one listened to his pleas for reconciliation. The whole process lasted a few weeks and I gave Tunde updates as things happened.
How did you feel about it, Tunde?
Tunde: It was about time. After the first call when she told me about him, I knew he was bad for her. I also wanted her to do things at her own pace. I was glad when she told me she had broken up with him. I just wanted to be there for her, however she needed. When everything died down, that’s when I told her I had fallen in love with her.
Bisola: I knew and I was in love with him too. I liked that he was taking things slow and letting me lead.
Two weeks later he went on a trip to Norwich. While he was there, his replies were slow and I was worried. I imagined he was with someone else and I didn’t want a repeat of what happened with my ex. I wasn’t ready to get into relationship drama so I sent him a text message saying, “I know you’re busy so when you come back, message me. I’m not here for late replies.” He replied saying he was sorry and he would try to text me more. When he came back from the trip, everything returned to normal and I didn’t ask any questions. We just continued talking.
How long was the talking stage?
Tunde: Five months. I knew I wanted to date her but I didn’t want to be too forward. I also wanted her to have enough time to grieve the relationship she lost.
So how did you two start dating?
Bisola: In January 2021, he came to visit again.This time, he stayed at my house. Halfway through the movie we were watching that night, he paused the movie to recite this really cute poem he had written for me. After reading it, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
Tunde: It was time for us to be a couple.
When you two started dating, did the relationship change?
Tunde: Yes, we became even closer. For me, I knew there was no other person in the picture anymore and it was just us. My trips to Leicester became frequent. She is easy to love so our relationship has been smooth so far. We are both able to express our opinions without fear of offending the other person. We also don’t fight. We argue but we always come to an understanding.
Bisola: Yup. So far, it’s been good vibes. I think because we were friends before we started dating, we got to know each other in a way we wouldn’t have if we just started dating from the jump. We are on the same page on a lot of things so there’s very little we disagree about.
Interesting. Tell me about your biggest fight.
Bisola: Hmmm so, one year into the relationship, I finally asked him who he went to see in Norwich and it was his ex. I was so hurt. I wondered why didn’t he tell me while he was there. I know we weren’t officially dating but I was giving him hourly updates on my life. I felt betrayed.I was mad about it for two days.
Tunde, what were you thinking during this time?
Tunde: I knew I was wrong to have not told her about it but I didn’t want to stress her at the time. I told her this when it came up but she needed time to process everything. It was the worst time for me because I thought I was going to lose her. On the second day, we had a deep conversation about it. I resolved not to hide things from her.
Bisola: Since then, we haven’t gone to bed angry with each other.
Cute. What’s the best part of the relationship for both of you?
Bisola: For me, it’s the friendship that we have. He’s my best friend. When something happens to me — good or bad, he’s the first person that I want to share it with. There’s nothing I can’t tell him. Talking to him has always been easy for me.
Tunde: The friendship is great but one thing I really love is that I get to learn from her. Unfortunately, I don’t have a high EQ but she does. She teaches me how to communicate better and how to act in certain scenarios. Also, her cooking is impeccable.
What attracts you to each other?
Tunde: Her smile. When she smiles, it makes me happy. Every single time. Once I see the smile, I am good for the day.
Bisola: His arms, for me. They are so hot. I love his beard as well. He has been threatening to shave it but he knows I will riot.
Sweet, so do you have future plans for each other?
Tunde: Yeah, we’re looking forward to getting married soon.
How soon?
Bisola: Soon is relative but soon sha. I just know we are going to do this life thing together.
What if someone gave you ten million dollars to leave each other?
Tunde: LMAO. I wouldn’t leave her for any amount of money. What we have is worth way more than ten million dollars and I could make that myself. #TechBro.
Bisola: LOL. I wouldn’t leave either because what we have is so rare and hard to find. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Not even ten million dollars.
Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 – 10.
Tunde: 9. It’s been great. She’s amazing and I love her. I choose 9 because there’s always room for improvement.
Bisola: 9 for me too because we’re still growing and I know it can only get better from here.
The friendzone is a very terrible place to be when you know your heart wants something else. There’s nothing in the friend zone aside from “hey” and “hi” conversations that aren’t strong enough to take you out of there.
There’s a lot of darkness down there in the friendzone; here are a few ways to wiggle your ass out of that hole.
1. Sleep with them.
Do people go around having sex with their friends? The answer is NO. Make sure the sex happens enough times to make them fall in love with you.
2. Convince them to break up with their partner.
Make them believe there are people like you out there better than their partner. Become their shoulder to lean on when the relationship ends. From shoulder to lean on to bedroom for warmth. Fink about it.
3. Ghost them for a little bit.
We all know that distance makes the heart grow fonder, and people miss you more when they can’t see you. Ghosting them makes them miss you a lot and realise they can’t live without you when you are away.
4. Introduce them to your friends.
Introduce them to your other friends since they are so hungry and desperate for friendship. Make sure the friendships solidify so they’ll have other friends when you eventually become the love of their life.
5. Call them gender-neutral pet names.
Call them cute pet names and go a step higher by taking a few of their clothes. There’s no way they won’t get the message when they see how sexy and beautiful you look in their clothes.
6. Write your name on a piece of paper and put it under their pillow.
Make sure you write your name in cursive with cute heart emojis around it and put it under their pillow. The sound of your name will filter into their ears and fill their minds with thoughts of you.
7. Become their spiritual partner.
Find a way into their dreams and sleep with them. Imagine combining spiritual sex with physical sex? There’s no way you’ll still be in the friend zone when both orgasms are achieved.
8. If it’s a Nigerian man, cook for him.
We all know Nigerian men don’t need so much convincing. All they need is some food and a drop of love potion and you are good to go. The way to a Nigerian man’s p̶e̶n̶i̶s̶ /p̶o̶c̶k̶e̶t̶ heart is through his stomach.
9. If it’s a woman, put the love potion in her wig.
You can put a love potion in her wig or the pasta you bought for her from an overpriced Lagos restaurant. She’ll no longer see you as a friend but as a longer once she’s eaten the pasta.
10. Get into a relationship and convince them to become your side piece.
The hack is to convince them to become your sidekick and see what they are missing by not being your number one lover. You make sure they know how much of an amazing lover you are and eventually leave your partner to be with them.
If you try these tips and they don’t work, that meins you we sleep in the friendzone.
What happens when you finally realise that the person you are “talking to” will probably not reply your message ever again? Well, if you are ever ghosted while in a talking stage, then you can try any of these six things.
1) Become a ghost
Since they have decided to ghost you, the best thing is to become a ghost and hunt their family. Since they like ghosting so much, they would not mind having one follow them for the rest of their life right? Haunt them.
2) Marry their relative
If they think they can escape by ghosting you, they have another thing coming. You should simply marry one of their relatives. Bonus points if it is their parent or sibling. That way, they will be forced to see you. Christmas dinner, Eid, New Year, etc. They can’t escape all of the celebration.
3) Become their boss
Find out where they work and work towards being the manager. How much can they ignore when they have to give you a report every first day of the week? If they own a business, buy it. This is more of a long game plan. You might not have a degree in whatever they are studying, but you can always get it.
4) Befriend their parents
If you are friends with their parents, then you can always pop by to visit them. They do not need to know your ulterior motive. You should always plan your unexpected visits around the time they tell you their child is coming. Ghosted but not forgotten.
5) Become their neighbour
If they live in a rented apartment, rent one of the flats in the building. If they have their own house, buy the one next to them. There is only so much they can do to avoid a neighbour that refuses to be avoided.
you every single time you hear their gate open
6) Move on
This might seem like the most ridiculous option given, but maybe you should just take your L and move on. They don’t want to have anything to do with you, and although it hurts, you will be fine.
For more articles on what is inside the life, please click here
We have already written a guide on how to escape a talking stage, but that was for people who want to go straight to the relationship stage. However, this article is for those who know the talking stage is going nowhere and want to end it. Here’s a list of easy ways to end a talking stage that is going nowhere.
1.Tell them your pastor doesn’t like them.
Tell them you consulted your pastor about your life and your relationship and your pastor said they don’t fit into your destiny.
2.Travel to Canada without telling them.
They’ll get the memo when they can no longer reach you. You might think this is childish, but it seems like an upgrade to us. If you cannot afford Canada, you can easily take a bus to Abeokuta or Nasarawa. If you want to know how to get to Canada without a visa, we have a guide here.
3.Send them a 5 pages essay on why you can’t be with them.
By the time they see it, they’ll lose interest in reading it and talking to you. No one in their right mind would read it anyway. Make sure you have a summary at the end.
4.Post your wedding pictures on the internet.
If we’ve learnt anything from Yoruba men, it is this exact move. Who wants to be a homewrecker? No one, or so we think. Once they see your wedding photo, they’ll figure out the rest by themselves.
5.Get under someone
We don’t make the rules, the best way to move on from a failed talking stage is to get under someone. It can be someone old, or someone new, that’s up to you to decide. Seems like a perfect distraction if we are being honest.
They’ll leave you alone once they see you are a liability, a little shame for a bigger reward.
7.Block them.
We personally think this one is a little extreme, but the goal is for them to think you’ve fallen off the face of the earth. Block them everywhere and carry on with your life.
8.Legally change your name so you can have complete deniability.
If they mistakenly reach out to you, you can easily tell them that they are talking to the wrong person. Even when they try to argue, you’ll tell them that many people look alike and their confusion is not your fault. Not extreme at all.
9.Do plastic surgery.
This is very much like changing your name, but it’s more effective. It’s not like we are encouraging bad things, but you can feign ignorance when they see you in public. Sounds perfect to us.
10.Introduce them to your friend that you do not like.
The fact that you don’t like your friends doesn’t mean they won’t. Since your friend doesn’t like you too, they’ll be more than happy to steal your man. Win-Win
11.Start supporting Buhari.
If this doesn’t work, then you’ll know that person is very very scary and should not be trusted.
The talking stage is the period of getting to know someone with the hope of it becoming serious. If you’ve been in one too many talking stages, and you’ve had enough, then this article is for you. Here are a few tips on how to escape the talking stage.
1.Tell them straight up that you want to marry them.
Yes it is.
Take them by surprise and take yourself by surprise too. You guys can get to know yourselves better in the course of planning a wedding.
2.Tell them that your pastor told you that they are the one for you.
The trick is as old as time. If God has said it, then so be it.
3.Give them the contact information of your previous talking stages.
Tell them to call your exes to find out whatever they need to know. If they aren’t pleased with what they hear, they can go.
4.Create a spreadsheet of all your life experiences and share it with them.
This is actually the easiest way to escape the talking stage. Once you meet someone, share the doc with them. If they like what they’ve read then you guys can proceed from there.
5.Tweet about everything that goes on in your life.
Make sure they follow you on Twitter first sha, if they follow you on Twitter then they’ve seen it all.
6. Have a voice note of all your relevant information.
This is just like the spreadsheet, but it’s for people that don’t like to read. There’s only a little difference between this and an actual talking stage, this one is just shorter.
Recently, I asked people to tell me about the food issues in their relationship. I wanted to know what food-related compromise they had to make, what arguments. The result was this article 8 Nigerians Talk About Food Issues In Their Relationship.
Of all the stories I got, this one stood out: a talking stage that ended because of food. I thought it was interesting, the idea that a relationship might have happened if food didn’t change things.
I think you’ll find it interesting too.
I met this guy on Twitter, and we had been talking for a couple of months or thereabouts. Let’s call him Bolaji. We had an amazing connection, great chemistry and we literally used to talk 24/7. We even went on a couple of dates. He always said he liked me but even after going on dates, he didn’t make any move to take the relationship further. We were just stuck there. After a while, I typed up an epistle in my Notes, ready to end the talking stage which was dragging on forever. But then we had sex. Twice.
The first time it happened was a Thursday. I had something to do in his side of town; I told him earlier in the day that I would be in his area, and he said to please come visit him. It was dark when I finished up my work and I was already tired, but I’d promised him that I would come, so I went over. This was around 8pm.
He offered me a drink, but no food. I assumed it was because of how late it was, so I took the drink like that. The sex was amazing, and I knew I’d be back for more. By the end of the week, I went back. This time, the cab surge was ridiculous, so I used a BRT. It was already filled up, and for the entire duration of the journey—almost 2 hours, I stood. By the time I got to his place at about 5pm, my ankles were aching.
Again, he offered me a drink but no food. And just like the first time, I took the drink like that. After the first round of sex, he asked if I had eaten. I told him I ate a doughnut in the morning. He said okay, but still did not make any offer of food. 6pm, 7pm, 8pm, nothing. All this time, he kept mentioning how he needed to make some food for himself, but he never did anything to indicate that he was actually making the food.
I wanted to order food, but I thought it would be weird. By 9pm, my tummy was rumbling and I was planning to go back home. The surge was crazy, and I was on the app, struggling to find a cab. It was then that he stood up to go make his dinner and told me to call him if I needed anything. Eventually, I found a cab around 10pm. The fare was absurd, and the driver was annoying, but I needed to get home.
I got home around 12 midnight with mad hunger pangs. That was the trigger I needed to end it all. I sent that note the following morning.
