Have you ever stopped to think about the long list of innocent animals who just want to chill and exist the way they were meant to but keep getting killed by superstitious Nigerians? Of course, you haven’t. Your human privilege has blinded you to the suffering of these poor little (occasionally big) guys.

Well, I (a human who is aware of his privilege and has decided to use it for good) decided to interview a couple of these animals so you all can know what it’s like to be  slain in your prime due to false accusations of having ties to the “occult kingdom.”

The following entries are from 7 animals who agreed to speak to me about the struggles they face. The entries are written in their voice.

1) Cats

“We get that we’re not the most affectionate pets, our glow-in-the-dark eyes are creepy, and, unlike dogs, we actually have our shit together. But we swear, not all of us are your bitter village relatives in disguise waiting for an opportunity to suck your blood. So please, quit freaking out whenever we show up to eat from your trash.” 

2) Owls

“I will never forget where I was when I heard my brother had died. He’d flown into a human family’s house one night to chill for a bit when he was brutally murdered because they thought he was there to harm them. All these accusations because of our large eyes, comically long legs, and our ability to turn our heads 360 degrees. We deserve better. My brother, Cornelius, deserved better.”

3) Vultures

“It’s bad enough that we’re discriminated against for eating dead things and being ugly as sin, superstitious Nigerians have thrown in accusations of being harbingers of death too. Na ugly we ugly oh, we no kill person. (We just eat the person when they die.)” 

4) Galagos (Bush Babies)

“We are not little people that go about with magic mats looking for greedy humans to kill. We were nicknamed “bush babies” because of the high-pitched sound we make. I’m guessing some idiot in history once mistook our cry for a human baby’s and proceeded to spread made up stories about forest-dwelling murderous magical midgets instead of just admitting he was wrong.”

5) Bats

“My unfortunate name aside (my parents were the literal worst), we don’t all suck blood. The ones that do (think of them like those trash family members you distance yourself from) aren’t even native to Africa, so Nigerians are safe. 

So if we accidentally fly into your house, please don’t kill us and flush our bodies down the toilet. We’ll end up flying into your ceiling fan anyways.” 

6) Snakes

“Honestly, I blame Nollywood for perpetuating the stereotype that every snake that shows up is a spirit from the “marine kingdom” who will later shapeshift into a beautiful light-skinned girl and destroy destinies left and right. Yes, we have poisonous venom, but we only bite when we feel attacked. So, mind your business and we’ll mind ours.”

7) Spiders

“Spinning webs is not a joke. We make that shit to catch food. It is physically demanding and takes a long ass time. So imagine the frustration we feel when we come back to find our webs (and our food prospects) gone because some of you think walking into one is bad luck. Grow the fuck up!”

Well, there you have it.

Remember these stories next time you think of killing a snake JUST because it showed up in your toilet bowl.