stress | Zikoko!

Nigerian parents have dished out their fair share of stress to their poor Nigerian kids, and it’s only fair that you retaliate. So, we made a list of seven things you can do to stress them a little bit too. Just make sure you don’t overdo it. Except you no longer want your inheritance.

Tell them you don’t want to get married

You know fully well they have your wedding day planned out in their heads. Dish them small heartbreak by announcing you want to stay unmarried for life.

Then have a baby out of wedlock

Since they’re asking you for a spouse, go one step further and give them a grandchild out of the blue. The shock will stress them, but they’ll come around.

Get a Bible-verse tattoo

You need to get a tattoo in a way that pleases God. So take a line of scripture and have it inked on your body. When they see it, they’ll be stressed out with deciding whether you’re doomed to hell or not.

Get a piercing they didn’t give you

Pierce your tongue and send them a picture of it on WhatsApp. Then, sit back and watch your phone blow up.

Dye your hair

Don’t dye it gold or brown — those are safe. You need a colour that’ll make them think you’re suffering through a quarter-life crisis. Keep the colour on for about two weeks, and if they don’t seem stressed enough, shave your head gorimapa for dramatic effect.

Send traps to the family group

If that’s not enough, take thirst traps and send them to the family group, with the caption, “outfit of the day”. But don’t try this if your parents are hypertensive, please. We’re begging.

Go missing for a while

Go out on a random day and get lost on purpose. Let them be wondering where you are while you have the time of your life with your sneaky link.

Laugh at their WhatsApp BCs

You’ve been acknowledging their WhatsApp BCs for years. That’s why they don’t stop. The next time they send one to you, record a voice note of you mocking whatever it is they sent. If they don’t block you by themselves, come and beat us.

Give them the silent treatment

Nobody hates the silent treatment like a Nigerian parent. Air them for no reason at all, and watch how confused they get as they wonder what they did that made you suddenly hate them so much.

NEXT READ: 8 Totally Normal Things Nigerian Parents Do That Are Lowkey Toxic

Sheriff Alimi

April 5, 2023

Inside Life

Nigerian parents, nigerian parents and children, parenting, stress
Whether it’s your job or Nigeria, we’ll know at the end of this quiz.

Meyimi O.

February 23, 2023

In Your Feels, Quizzes

Food, stress
It’s the first month of 2023, and everybody’s stressed out already. Take this quiz, and we’ll guess what showed you the most pepper last month.

Starting tomorrow (January 31st, 2023)

Sheriff Alimi

January 29, 2023

Green White Quiz, Quizzes

january, Nigeria, Nigerian problems, Quiz, stress
Work will always stress you. But apart from that, what else will stress you out this week? If you’re lucky it will be your partner. If you’re not, it will be your bank account.

Find out:

Prisca

April 25, 2022

In Your Feels, Quizzes

stress, Week, work
NB: We do not claim expertise on mental health diagnosis. If you feel overwhelmed and stressed out mentally such that if affects your normal daily functions, you might want to see a mental health professional.

Mental stressors can be major or minor, but all the same not so easy to identify. Take this quiz now to find out what they could be for you.

Hey…

Do you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, stressed and generally anxious all the time? Sometimes, you can’t even aptly describe this feeling to someone else. Yet, it just won’t go away. Don’t beat yourself up, people deal with stressors differently. If you need support, reach out. A therapist is waiting to listen to you.

Simply download Nguvu Health app for android and iOS to get started.

Here’s what you get on the app:
- Free Screenings for Depression, Anxiety, PTSD etc. You can download the app here.
- Free access to rant rooms to share and get things off your chest.
- Affordable therapy (N3,000 for one-week text therapy).
Susan Nwaobiala

October 1, 2021

In Your Feels, Quizzes

mental health, Sponsored Post, stress
Burnout at work can occur due to several different reasons ranging from lack of rest to being overburdened with work and sometimes even demotivation. There are several things you can do to either get your energy back in ways that can improve your work performance. Here are some things you can do when you experience burnout at work.

1. Have sex.

Good sex is a good motivator, yes, quote us anywhere. You are mentally burned out not physically burned out. Sex can help you get excited enough to get some work done. Do not have sex with a co-worker sha, don’t let them share their burnout with you.

2. Workout.

Working out is a good way to get your energy level back up. Although, I personally do not understand the concept behind being mentally stressed and being physically in pain at the same time. Anyway, it’s still worth a try.

3. Turn off your work alarms.

Turn your alarms off so you can get more time to rest. It’s only the living that can work anyway. You should also sleep past your usual wake up time. If your employer asks you why you got to work late, tell them it’s because you want to live a long life and you didn’t come to this life to suffer for someone else.

4. Activate your inner Olivia Pope.

Drink as much wine as you can and make sure to drink directly out of the bottle.

5. Delete all your work apps.

Slack and co have to be gone from your life when you are experiencing a burner. Your employer can talk to God instead of talking to you. The only downside to this is the possibility of your employer filling your slot while you were on a short break.

6. Binge from morning till night.

Watch all your favourite shows while your employer talks to God about what you are dealing with. You never know the kind of inspiration you’ll get from a show or what the show can teach you about your job.

7. Tell your co-workers to cover for you.

We are only suggesting this one so it won’t be like we like to give bad advice all time. Beg your co-workers to fill in the blanks for you and be ready to do the same for them when they are in your shows.

8. Request for some time off.

Even if you have no more leave days left, find a story for HR. You can tell them your great grandma’s uncle died and you have to be at the funeral. Be very creative with your lies, please.

9. Tell your employer that you’ve passed on to the great beyond.

This isn’t a dramatic thing to say, since burnouts oftentimes feel like mental death. Let your employer know you are mentally dead and won’t be available for living people’s tasks. Except they are comfortable working with ghosts.

10. Quit your job.

Tell your employer you are no longer interested in working with them and you’ll appreciate a mental health cheque with your severance package.

Ibukun

September 16, 2021

Inside Life

stress, Tired, work
With the reported cases of coronavirus slowly growing in Nigeria, people are becoming a lot more cautious. Unfortunately, a lot of out Nigerian parents are still not taking it seriously enough, and it is rightfully stressing us out.

1. When you first heard that older people are more at risk.

Hay God!

2. You, talking to your parents like they’re children:

See how the tables have turned.

3. You, begging them to just sit at home:

Pleaseeeeeeee.

4. When they send you another BC with fake news.

It’s time for you to delete WhatsApp.

5. When they call to tell you about a “cure for the virus”.

“Mummy, please, heat won’t do anything.”

6. When they refuse to take your warnings seriously.

Who is smiling with you?

7. When you see them carrying car key to leave the house.

Where do you think you’re going?

8. When you tell them not to go for any religious gatherings.

If you miss one Sunday you won’t die.

9. You, when they talk about God protecting them:

Great. Please, protect yourself too.

10. When you tell them not to have any visitors over.

If it’s important, they can call.

11. You, explaining social distancing to them:

You might as well be talking to a wall.

12. When they look at you like you’re being too dramatic.

See me see trouble.

13. You, after giving them yet another Coronavirus lecture:

I have tried, abeg.

NerdEfiko

March 20, 2020

Inside Life

coronavirus, Nigerian parents, stress
Stress management in Nigeria sounds ironic as if you can manage all the stress Nigeria throws at you. It’s like driving with a blindfold – it just doesn’t make sense. That’s how a typical day in Nigeria is.

However, if you follow these tested and trusted tips, Nigeria won’t kill you. You will kill it instead.

Shall we?

1) Don’t watch the News.

Seriously, watching the news especially Nigerian news is a risk factor for high blood pressure. There are just so many ridiculous things happening all at once that the country feels like it is burning. You don’t need that energy.

2) If you watch the News, regard it as comedy.

If you must watch the news, take it as a parody. Don’t take it too seriously so you don’t get worked up.

3) When in stress, chant Mafo.

If it gets overwhelming, as it happens occasionally, look into a mirror and chant *mafo three times. That usually does the trick.

*Mafo – Don’t panic.

4) Let your house be as close to your office as possible.

It’s important that one of the things you get right as a Nigerian is the proximity of your office to the house. At least remove one more stressor from your life and when work gets tiring, go home for a nap.

5) Always thank the Government for any success you make.

If you are an entrepreneur or a disruptor, make sure that any success you get, you attribute it to Government policy. Even if you provided your light, water, etc. Never annoy the Government if you still want to be in business longterm. Save yourself from stress today and thank the Government.

6) Develop a thick skin.

No matter what is currently happening, always know it can be worse. Don’t let anything move you too much because something always more unbelievable will top it.

7) If all fails, Jaapa.

You didn’t kill your parents so don’t allow this country kill you. Pack your stuff and leave for better.

Did you miss this? You should read this.

Hassan Yahaya

February 24, 2020

Inside Life

Nigeria, stress
1. When someone stains your white and expects you to not talk because you are fasting.

“Aunty, you dey fast na’.
2. Getting your period 10 minutes before Maghrib.

The fast won’t count because Aunty Flo decided to spoil show.
3. When your colleagues ask you why you can’t drink water.

“But water is not food now”
4. When you attend an Owambe and have to turn down party Jollof.

You have to pretend it is not chooking you.
5. When your colleagues start eating their lunch in your presence.

“I’m not crying, rice enter my eye”.
6. Waking up late and missing Sahur.

Because bad things happen to good people and now you have to fast on an empty stomach.
7. THIS!!!

Someone will definitely catch these hands.
8. Hearing the Imam recite ‘Alif Lam Mim’ during’ Taraweeh.

It is going to be a long night.
9. When you eat one spoon of rice at Iftar and get full immediately.

So the hunger pangs were for nothing?
10. Knowing you can’t blame any of your bad deeds during Ramadan.

Satan is chilling in hell so you are just a terrible person deep down uno.
More Zikoko!
https://zikoko.com/list/15-things-nigerian-muslims-definitely-tired-hearing/

Maryam

June 6, 2017

Oldies

fasting, Frustrating, Frustration, muslim, Ramadan, stress
1. When someone recommends a new tailor to you and you have hope.

2. But as usual, they are just prepping you before they start their madness.

3. When you hear these words “I can sew it ma”…

4. … Just know that your tailor is going to use your fabric to practice.

5. When you choose your own style and the tailor just decides to remix it.

6. When the tailor takes your measurements but then decides not to use them.

7. When your tailor promises you an outfit on a certain day, just add 3 months for peace of mind.

8. When you’re annoyed and shouting your tailor, she just stares at you, like:

9. When your tailor starts hanging out with bad gang and decides to start charging foolishly.

10. When you have to start chasing your tailor for your own clothes.

11. When you finally abandon a useless tailor and he/she starts calling you to ask where you are.

Jola Ayeye

January 26, 2017

Oldies

designer, Fashion, stress, tailor
1. When you are trying to sleep but mosquitoes are using your body as a midnight snack

2. When you wake up and you are drenched in sweat because you had to sleep in heat.

3. Then you go to take a shower and water isn’t coming out of your tap.

4. Meanwhile you have gotten more letters talking about an increase in taxes and estate fines.

5. Then you have to face hours of traffic to get to the office.

6. When you get to the office and your boss is not around, you’re like:

7. Then he strolls in an hour to closing and gives you 4 hours of work.

8. And casually ignores the fact he is owing you 2 month’s salary.

9. Then your dad’s cousin calls you to ask you why you have not yet married.

10. And your friend that hasn’t paid back one loan is asking you very rudely for another one.

11. When you get home you realise a power surge has spoiled almost all your electrical appliances.

12. Which means you were sold a fake stabiliser.

13. Now all the food in your fridge and freezer are spoilt.

14. Only for your landlord to call compound meeting that he is increasing rent with immediate effect.

15. Then one of your cousins has arrived unexpectedly from the village and expects to stay with you.

16. You put on the news and government officials don’t have anything encouraging or sensible to say

17. And now NEPA has taken light so you start the cycle all over again.

Jola Ayeye

January 19, 2017

Oldies

FRSC, Funny, list, NEPA, Nigeria, phcn, Police, stress
1. So, you went to quickly buy something.

2. And you were in a hurry so you just collected you change and ran off.

3. Normally you would have left your change, as a tip.

4. But recession, so no chance of that one!

5. Anyway, now you’ve gotten home.

6. Only to check your change and see torn notes everywhere.

7. So what are you meant to do now?

8. First you try to use the money to pay for something at the same store that gave you the wretched change.

9. Only for the cashier to say they don’t accept such money.

10. Then you try to give it to a bus conductor, who asks you if you’re crazy.

11. Then, you think of dropping it in the offering basket only to see the usher looking at you, like:

12. Then, you try to “dash” the money to one of your small cousins but he laughs at you, like:

13. At the end of the day you end up keeping the money in one drawer, hoping and praying you wake up one day and it’s brand new.

14. But so far, no such luck!

Jola Ayeye

January 18, 2017

Oldies

change, finance, Funny, list, money, Shopping, stress
1. When the engagement ring makes a big dent in your wallet.

It’s for a good cause sha, I love her.
2. When your bride’s troublesome family members send one nonsense list for the traditional wedding.

Please come and carry your daughter oh! It’s not me you people will kill!
3. When the only wedding date all of your family members can agree on is the same day as premier league final.

If I say that is not convenient for me is that childish?
4. When your bride starts asking you about colours and shades as if it’s a do or die thing.

What the difference between fuschia and magenta now?
5. When aso ebi wahala starts, you’re like:

Someone please get me away from here!
6. When your mother and mother in law to be are arguing and expect you to get involved.

Better face yourselves.
7. When you realise pre marital counselling is compulsory if you want to marry in your wife’s mother’s church

See wahala!
8. When you see all the bills and your budget is looking like nothing but a dream.

Who started this wedding tradition sef?
9. When your groomsmen are MIA until its time for the bachelor party.

All these ones know is party!
10. When your friends want to put you inside trouble during your bachelor party on top “last night of freedom”

It’s not me that will die oh!

Jola Ayeye

November 24, 2016

Oldies

Grooms, love, romance, stress, Weddings
1. Mexico has worse traffic than Lagos.

Commuters in traffic spend on average five and a half weeks a year in traffic.
2. Libya is hotter than Nigeria by far.

At 50-degrees celsius, you can fry an egg on the streets on Libya.
3. North Korea and Somalia are the most corrupt countries in the world.

Nigeria barely reached top 30. And somebody is talking about ‘kwaraption’.
4. Belgium has the most potholed road in the world.

Ford uses it to test cars. Thats how bad it is.
5. South African drivers are a lot more violent than Nigerian drivers.

People getting shot is a regular occurrence in South African traffic.
6. Nigeria can’t even compare to Venezuela in kidnappings.

On average, 46 people get kidnapped a day.
7. Belgium has the highest amount of armed robberies in the world.

11 people get robbed a day in Belgium, that means they can rob you 5 times on your way to work.

Osaretin Tunde-Oni

October 31, 2016

Oldies

countries, hard, Nigeria, stress
1. When he says he is coming to visit for a few days and it has now been one year.

So this is now your home abi?
2. When he starts thinking you are his cook and maid.

Can you imagine?
3. When he wants to start commandeering the remote control in your house.

Na wa oh!
4. When he brings his friends to be making noise in your house.

Is this a beer parlour?
5. When he finishes all the food in the house and starts complaining there is nothing to eat.

Better go to the market by yourself.
6. When he starts doing amebo to report you to his family members.

Well done oh! Special detective.
7. When you are trying to get romantic and he interrupts.

If you don’t talk now you will die abi?
8. When he is fighting with his sibling and expects you to add mouth.

Not me oh!
9. When he is finally going back home.

Bye bye sir!
10. But it was just to go and pack all his things so he can move in properly.

Ah! I am finished oh!

Jola Ayeye

September 15, 2016

Oldies

brother-in-law, Family, in-laws, list, Relatives, stress
1. When you’re with N1000 and you hear the conductor shouting at someone else for giving him N500.

Yawa don gas today!
2. When the quiet person beside you suddenly shouts “Praiseeeee daaa Looorddd!!!”

This is too much headache!
3. How everyone looks at you when you pass your bus stop.

”Sister, you been dey sleep before?”
4. When you’re already late for work and the bus decides to break down.

I am finished!
5. When you’re sitting beside the conductor and his armpit is in your face.

That stinks bruuuhhhh!
6. Some small boys in danfo be like: “Sistah, can I know you beta?’

You think we are mates abi? I don’t blame you!
7. When you forget to collect your N900 change from the conductor.

Kuku kill me!
8. When the driver is bent on driving everyone straight to hell.

Please sir, this is not Fast and Furious o!
9. That rare moment when the conductor forgets to collect his money.

Everyday for the thief, one day for the owner!
10. When the bus starts making funny sounds on 3rd Mainland Bridge, and the conductor says nothing is wrong with it.

Oga, everything is wrong with it !
11. When one woman says you should lap her babies because “They’re your sisters.”

No ma, I know my own sisters well!
12. When the conductor says the fare has increased to N150, but you have exactly N100.

But it was N100 yesterday now!
13. You, when the driver says you should use the seat belt.

I can’t even deal!
14. When you remember you have to to go through the same mess tomorrow, because you’re still ‘carless’.

Choi! Baba God, do it for your girl! Featured Image Credit: Bayo Omoboriowo

Shola

August 19, 2016

Oldies

danfo, Lagos, Nigeria, stress, stressful, Traffic
Nigerian parents just know how to stress someone. When they’re not asking you to wash plates, they’re making you clean some annoying places. Here of 13 of them:
1. The fan blades.

I should break my hands?
2. Under the kitchen cupboard.

Because the visitors will eat their rice under it abi?
3. Mop under the bed.

Will the visitors look under it?
4. The entrance of your neighbour’s house.

When did we become our neighbour’s keeper?
5. The window louvres.

So the louvres should slice my hand abi?
6. The buglary proof.

Mummy, it is metal!
7. Behind the TV.

But the visitors won’t watch the TV from the back na.
8. Your neighbour’s fence.

No be me build am na.
9. The corners of the ceiling.

Jesus! How?
10. Under the car.

Are you trying to punish me?
11. Behind the dressing table.

Hay God!
12. Under the gate.

Jesus didn’t die for this oh!
13. In short, the whole street.

Kuku kill me.

Maryam

May 19, 2016

Oldies

clean, Nigerian parents, stress, wahala
1. When you ask your Nigerian tailor if they can “sew the style.”

"Are you sure you can sew it?"
"Yes ma" pic.twitter.com/a9uY0pfzUY
— Daniel Orubo (@NerdEfiko) March 5, 2016

2. When you tell a Nigerian photographer to make you look “natural”.

When you tell a Nigerian photographer to make the picture look very natural pic.twitter.com/X3RyWxW2PO
— EKO (@EKminnie) December 23, 2014

That’s how you know they are serious.
3. When your Nigerian hairdresser wants to kill you.

https://twitter.com/Sawamss/status/603548710258225152

4. When you give a Nigerian mechanic your car and it spends so long with him it turns to his own.

Edakun, can I have my car back?
5. When you go to a Nigerian doctor and the first diagnosis you get is:

Is that all?
6. When a Nigerian nurse wakes you up to give you a sleeping pill.

Hian!
7. When you finish paying your Nigerian caterer and they now tell you they don’t make small chops.

Better go and find.
8. When your Nigerian makeup artiste uses your picture to do ‘Before & After’ without asking.

Somebody wants to die.
9. When the generator repairer finishes work and now uses your fuel to wash his hands.

Is this one mad?
10. When your Nigerian cab driver swears he knows the way, then starts asking for directions when you enter.

Don’t just vex me.
11. When that thing your Nigerian electrician just ‘fixed’ shocks you.

Hay God.
12. When you go to any Nigerian barbing salon and this is the first picture you see:

That’s how you know they are serious.

Daniel Orubo

April 11, 2016

Oldies

artisan, hire, Nigerian, professional, stress