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There’s nothing wrong with being single, but for years? Someone is definitely scaring off all your love interests, and you’re not the problem.
You have trouble sleeping
That’s because your spirit has taken over to hang out with their spouse at that time. How can you sleep when your spirit is not at rest?
You sleep too much
This probably means your spirit partner is the quiet type who only likes to show up in your dreams.
You have wet dreams
We don’t have to spell out exactly what happened while you were asleep now, do we?
You wake up aroused
That’s because you were gearing up for round two when your alarm went off.
You always wake up in a bad mood
How won’t you? When your alarm keeps preventing you from finishing the way you should.
You move a lot in your sleep
That’s your spirit spouse changing styles and positions. They like variety too, you know.
You fall asleep in weird positions
You think raising your legs up on the wall is normal? You’re just prepping yourself for what’s about to happen overnight. Hasn’t your Nigerian mother warned you enough?
You wake up tired
You should know what this means by now. You were busy all night.
You catch yourself smiling for no reason at all
Your spirit spouse is using words of affirmation on you. You don’t know it, but your subconscious does.
Happy December! It’s that time of the year when people in relationships refuse to allow us breathe. Today, it’s weddings, tomorrow, anniversaries, and the next day, the TL is full of couples in matching pyjamas celebrating Christmas. Who even started that nonsense?
Also, Valentine’s Day is not far o. It’s going to be a looong couple of months for single people.
But Zikoko is here to save you.
Forget physical partners. They’ll cheat, annoy you, be around all the time, eat your food… should we go on? Spirit partners are the real deal. They won’t do any of the above, and they’ll even cook for you and wear matching pyjamas if you want.
How can you get one? Read below:
Don’t eat before you sleep
Think about it. If you go to bed with a full stomach, why should someone come and serve you premium spirit realm creamy pasta? Are you a glutton? A hungry belly is a proper invitation for the spiritual forces looking to cook for someone. Once you people go on your first dream date, you can take it from there.
Wear only red panties or boxers to bed
You and I know red is both the colour of love and the spiritual realm. So covering your kpekus or blokos with it as you go to bed is basically saying, “I’m ready and available. Pick me.” Works every time.
Don’t wear faded red o. Blood red.
Only use red bedsheets
Everywhere has to be red. Spirit wives and husbands don’t like any other colour. Don’t go looking for a spouse and end up annoying the gods. Let’s be careful.
Brush before you sleep
Imagine finally securing a spirit wife, and she leaves you because you have mouth odour. The way they’ll drag you on the “SpiritBabez 👻💅🏽” group chat, ehn?
If you’re desperate, sleep naked
The more desperate you are, the nakeder you should sleep. Make sure you rub powder on your face and spray perf — not cologne or perfume, perf. That’s how they like it. Don’t ask us how we know.
Leave your windows wide open
How do you want your otherworldly partner to enter your room if you lock your doors and windows? How?
Keep small money under your pillow before you sleep
Economy is hard. You have to leave something small under your pillow for transport and “thanks for coming”. Abi, don’t you do it for your physical partners? Do they have two heads?
Keep a bottle of hot schnapps and some kolanuts on your nightstand
Some might say you’re doing sacrifice. That’s their business. You’re just entertaining your guest. It’s the least you can do to show them love. Abi, were you not raised to feed your visitors?
Duvets? Never. Only use adieu papa wrappers as cover cloth
It just makes sense, let’s not lie. You, just do it and tell us if it doesn’t work.
Don’t be stingy
Even if it’s a hostel bunk bed, sleep on one side. Don’t spread your body like someone without home training. Where will your husband sleep, Lolade?
Very important: Don’t shave
The bushier, the better your chances of getting some of that witchcraft knacks. Why? Because bushy pubic areas attract single witches and wizards with evil forest kinks.
Play Portable’s music in the background overnight
For sure, they’ll show up to vibe. For sure.
Get a huge mirror in your room
If you’ve ever watched a horror movie, you’d know mirrors are good for conjuring things of the spirit.
Sleep like this
You know why. Let’s not use all our mouth to talk.
How can you know if you have a spirit husband or wife? The signs are many, and they can be easily missed if you are not observant. We have taken time to study the manifestation of these spirit partners, and now we have our proof. If you can relate to at least five of the things on this list, then you fall under the category of those who have a spirit husband or wife.
1. You are eager to fall asleep.
People are complaining about finding it difficult to sleep, but once your head touches the pillow like this, it’s sleep. Small breeze must not blow you like this, you are already in dreamland. Can’t you see that this is a sign that there is a spirit husband or wife waiting for you on the other side of life?
2. You wake up aroused.
30 minutes sleep and your John Thomas is harder than a rock. What did you do in the dreamland if it’s not that your spirit husband or wife gave you head in your sleep? Think about it.
3. You eat in your dreams.
Oh you think spirit people are not feeling the pinch of the economy too? But you fall asleep and they are preparing a table before you. If you don’t realise that the food came from the spirit husband or wife you are married to, we don’t know what else to say to you.
4. You have wet dreams.
Your spirit partner was romancing you when you woke up by mistake. Assuming you did not wake up in time, it would have led to coitus. Lucky you, spirit men kuku know where the G-spot is. Imagine waking up to find your legs shaking. Ayayayaya.
5. You have romantic dreams.
You fall asleep, next thing, you are running around a palm tree on the beach and “Angel of my Life” is playing in the background. Who else would be doing that if not your spirit partner? That’s another sign oh.
6. You smile in your sleep.
Who is making you smile? Quick, answer us. Oh, you cannot talk? LMAO. Happy married life. May this spirit marriage do you well.
7. You wake up with aches all over your body.
Perhaps you have starved your spirit partner of sex and they used that opportunity to put you in 70 positions in 30 minutes. There’s no other explanation for that ache. It’s your spirit partner collecting the mekwe you owe them.
8. You wake up feeling refreshed.
If you wake up feeling refreshed, there’s no doubt about it: your spirit partner is good at what they do. Maybe they gave you a massage with happy ending. See how you are glowing. Spirit preek dey sweet oh.
9. You are single in real life.
Let me ask you: if you are dating someone, would you want them to be taken by someone else? Oho. Now look at this: you have a spirit partner in the other world, and you are expecting to find love on this earth, it can’t work out. If you are single, better stop searching and prepare your pillow. Your spirit partner is waiting for you.
10. You assume sexual positions when you sleep.
You are going to bed but you are assuming doggy position. Who are you deceiving? You better print your wedding card and figure out how to transport your friends to the dream world so they can attend your wedding.
11. You are angry when you are woken from sleep.
Think about it: if it’s not that you are angry about being separated from your spiritual partner, why should you squeeze your face in disgust when you are woken up? You better start praying now. We have kuku said our own.
