Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping Merry Men 3: Nemesis.

The following tweet is my official intro for this article.

Let’s get into it.

The movie starts with a flashback to an unspecified point in time when the entire world was covered with the sepia filter Hollywood uses for films set in Mexico. We’re introduced to two characters, Dafe and Ayo, played by the worst child actors I’ve ever seen. Ayo is showing Dafe a magic trick involving a coin.

After a title card that serves PS1 realness, the movie returns to the present day and drops us smack in the middle of a police car filmed and edited like the director was trying his hardest to make the audience vomit. Also, am I bugging or is this Andrew Tate??

The robber gets away after blowing up the police cars and returns to the rest of his crew. They takes off their mask and is revealed to be Dafe — one of the kids from the opening scene — now played by Chidi Mokeme. Dafe asks to be released from the robbery gang as he has paid what he owes (what this is all about will be revealed later), and the gang leader says no.

TEN BANKS?!

So Dafe kills the rest of the crew with poison (the poison somehow takes hold of all of them at the same time), shoots the leader in the face, and returns to Nigeria.

In the next scene, Ayo (Ramsey Nouah) is getting married to his girlfriend, Dera. Dera was played by Damilola Adegbite in the last movie, but:

As Ayo and Dera are reading their vows, a recording of Dafe’s voice starts playing over the church’s PA system. While Ayo’s groomsmen, Amaju (AY) and Johnny (Williams Uchemba), try to figure out what’s happening, the wedding guests are LIVING for the drama. My favourites are these two:

Dafe makes them watch a live stream of their friend, Naz (played in the last movie by Jim Iyke but by a body double in this one), getting blown up with a car bomb on his way to Ayo’s wedding. All the main characters react to this death to the best of their actors’ abilities. But Naz’s girlfriend, Kemi (Rosaline Meurer), reacts by screaming directly into the camera for some reason, and it’s the most unintentionally hilarious thing I’ve ever seen.

Ajamu goes to warn fellow merry man Remi (played by Falz in the last movie) that there’s a new threat but finds him dead. All I can think about at this point is how many people declined to return to this franchise by saying, “Kill off our characters and use their deaths to kickstart this anyhow plot.”

While the merry men are grieving their losses, Dafe returns to his village to see his mother. He learns from his mother’s friend that his mother died months prior from an illness, and she couldn’t be treated due to a lack of health facilities in the village.

After he says this, Dafe comes to a conclusion.

Because he’s tired of them stealing the funds meant for things like health facilities. His first target is a politician named Chief Jimoh (Jide Kosoko). Jide Kosoko is in this movie for all of three minutes and spends 99% of that time doing this:

Dafe shoots Chief Jimoh in the face, anyway. He then kidnaps the priest and friend of the gang, Uduak Francis (played by Ejike Asiegbu in the last movie but now played by Sam Dede), and promises to let Uduak go if Ayo comes.

Ayo shows up, but to no one’s surprise, Dafe shoots them both. Uduak dies, but Ayo survives thanks to a bulletproof vest. Ajamu, Johnny, and Dera take Ayo to a hospital to be cared for by a Doctor Ejiro (played by famously 35-year-old actress and reality TV star Carolyna Hutchings).

The merry men find out they’re wanted by the police because Dafe has framed them for the murder of Chief Jimoh, so they return to their secret bunker to figure out what to do next. Amaju gets a call from prison. It’s Dame Maduka (Ireti Doyle), and she wants Amaju to visit her. Amaju is worried about being caught by the police, so he dons a disguise.

Y’all. Look at this disguise.

I haven’t seen a disguise this flimsy since Lupin. Jesus Christ.

I zone out for a bit, and something Dame Maduka says snaps me back to reality and makes me question the nature of the movie I’m watching.

Keep in mind that I didn’t alter the subtitles here. So I’m just sitting there like:

Dame Maduka says she has information on Dafe’s whereabouts and is willing to share, but only if the merry men break her out of prison. And they do, with the help of a character recruited by Dera named Zara (Ufuoma McDermott). Zara initially refuses to help because she’s worried about her son’s safety.

But Dera is like:

Zara robs a bank, intentionally gets caught, and is sent to the same prison Dame Maduka is in. I pause here to laugh at how easily this plan would’ve fallen apart if she’d been sent to another prison. Thank God for plot for convenience. After delivering Dame Maduka to the merry men bunker base of operations, Zara attempts to peace the fuck out…until Dafe sashays back into the movie’s plot to reveal that he’s kidnapped her son.

Zara freaks the fuck out.

She loses her entire shit and holds everyone at gunpoint for some reason.

Dame Maduka is just In the corner like:

Dame Maduka would be great at “So You Don’t Have To.”

Zara goes on a solo rescue mission and is promptly captured, beaten, and given the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego treatment. Except that in this case, she feels the fire and dies horrifically.

Dafe says he’ll release Zara’s son if the merry men kill the senate president. They agree. While they plan for this, Dame Maduka convinces Kemi (Naz’s grieving widow) to give her the code to the group’s vault in exchange for Dafe’s whereabouts so Kemi can get her revenge.

This is incredibly stupid because the merry men already know where Dafe is. This subplot only happens so Dame Maduka can clear the vault and run off with their money while they’re on their mission. But whatever, sha.

Ayo shoots the senate president on-camera…

…while Dafe watches with so much excitement, it looks like he’s creaming his jeans.

Dafe asks the merry men to meet him at Zara’s son’s favourite place. The merry men are confused because Zara, the only person who would know this, has been barbecued. Dera correctly guesses that it’s the Hakuna Matata theme park in Lekki because that’s where she met with Zara earlier in the movie.

And that’s when I clock what’s happening.

The movie’s climax is set up to happen at Hakuna Matata theme park due to a product placement deal between the park and the movie studio. I’m just like:

The merry men get there at the same time as the police. Dafe finds out that the merry men faked the senate president shooting video, so he angrily straps a bomb to Zara’s son’s chest. The merry men show up, and many fucking awful fight scenes happen concurrently. Dafe is defeated, and the merry men are free to go because their names have been cleared. It’s revealed that Ayo is the father of Zara’s son.

Meanwhile, Dame Maduka attempts to escape with the merry men’s money but is thwarted by the police.

Hopefully, for the last time, because I DO NOT want to see another Merry Men movie.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

“Timi, a gifted clergyman, turns into an old lonely curmudgeon when his family is tragically taken from him. Until Elijah, a humble man with big dreams of becoming a priest, comes into his life. Through Elijah, Timi learns to live again and realises the purpose for all his gifts and wealth.”

– The movie’s synopsis from Prime Video

The movie starts with a CGI scene set in the year 2060. We see an older man in a wheelchair and a woman behind him at a graveyard, staring at a group of holographic tombstones.

I’m excited because I think the movie is set in the future. My excitement disappears when the film takes us back to 1953 and begins a round of narration so fucking long it would give the Cinema Sins guy several heart attacks.

I’m not even kidding. I thought the narrator was there to set the scene and then leave, but he’s a major presence in the movie for at least ONE HOUR.

The narration covers a shit ton of back story for a man named Timi — who the narrator refers to as his father — so I’ll do my best to speed through it.

Timi (Ademola Adedoyin) is an exceptional young Nigerian who is smart and can fluently speak 16 languages. He also has what I can only describe as mutant lungs and can stay underwater without coming up for long periods. The longest amount of time he’s done this for is 57 minutes.

The fact that the American government doesn’t kidnap and run tests on him after this feat is further proof that this movie is taking place in a whole other timeline.

Timi becomes a reverend and marries a woman named Bridget (Eku Edewor).

If you can’t tell, I have an enormous crush on Eku Edewor.

Tragedy strikes when Timi and his daughter are at a carnival and witness a murder committed by a notorious thug hilariously named Baby Fire. Baby Fire is inexplicably wearing the worst-looking civil servant wig you’ve ever seen. Gaze upon it.

Timi agrees to snitch on Baby Fire in court, hoping they can finally put him in jail, but Baby Fire has some powerful white friends and is acquitted. Baby Fire, eager to show Timi that snitches get stitches and end up in ditches, gets back at Timi by kidnapping Timi’s wife and daughter and setting them on fire right in front of him.

After grieving for nine straight days without moving from the spot where his wife and daughter were barbecued, Timi decides to take matters into his own hands since God won’t. He kills Baby Fire and sets Baby Fire’s house on fire to cover his tracks. He then abandons the clergy life, closes down the church, and tries to kill himself in many ways — including drinking a jumbo-sized tub of bleach.

None of the suicide attempts work because God doesn’t want him dead yet (?) Anyway, decades pass, and Timi has aged into a whole other actor.

For those who don’t know, “The Legend of Gatuso” is an unintentionally hilarious and terribly made Nollywood rip-off “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” How THEE Wale Ojo ended up in it will always be one of life’s greatest mysteries. Here’s the movie’s poster.

Look at him posing! Sjdjdhfsjkhfdjhs!

Let’s get back to “Breath of Life.”

Timi has become a grumpy, impatient recluse who’s looking to hire a house manager but can’t stop, won’t stop shooting at the applicants when they annoy him.

Elijah (Chimezie Imo), the movie’s narrator and fresh-eyed Jesus baby, sashays into the movie’s plot. Elijah is here to apply for the position of House Manager and wanders into the house without knocking. Timi asks who the hell Elijah is, triggering Elijah’s asthma.

After a Looney Tunes-style sequence where Timi hires Elijah on the spot and proceeds to make Elijah fry eggs a hundred times until he gets it the way Timi likes, Elijah decides to start a weekly bible study group at the old abandoned church. He knows Timi hates everything related to God and religion, so he holds the bible study during Timi’s siesta times. While sharing flyers at the local hospital to raise awareness for the bible study, he spots a volunteer nurse named Anna (Geneveva Umeh). You can guess what happens next.

Eager to get Anna’s attention but knowing he has no rizz, Elijah emotionally manipulates the hospital’s patients into getting Anna to attend bible study. It works, and Anna shows up at the church after one of the meetings to talk to him. When he tries to reply to her, this happens.

He has his inhaler with him, though, so all’s good. They bond as he walks her home, and they pretty much start dating. Months pass, and they’re at the point where they’re doing this during bible study meetings:

Things are going well until Timi finds out Elijah has been having bible studies behind his back.

Timi threatens to fire Elijah. Elijah begs, and Timi changes his mind. A lot of nothing happens. There’s a touching scene where Timi watches old home movies starring his now-dead wife and daughter. Things take a turn for the unintentionally hilarious when young Timi shows up in a frame of the home movie he’s watching, holding the camera that’s supposed to be recording the film.

At some point, Timi and Elijah bond over reading.

Meanwhile, Anna decides that she MUST meet Timi for some reason. Against Elijah’s wishes, Anna shows up at Timi’s house. Timi has no idea who she is and is like:

Anna refuses to take no for an answer and knocks again. This time, Timi comes out with a gun, causing her to fall like a horror movie final girl and cut her leg. He takes pity on her and brings her in to treat her wound. Elijah returns from a grocery run to see this and dramatically drops a crate of eggs. Anna begins coming to the house more, and Timi is first upset by it.

Then just doesn’t give a shit.

Anna invites Elijah to meet her RICH ASS parents. Her mother, Mrs Okonkwo (Ashionye Michelle-Raccah), is sweet and welcoming but becomes uncomfortable when she finds out that Elijah is the one running the town bible study. We soon find out why when Anna’s father, Mr Okonkwo (Sam Dede), comes in and turns out to be a guy who wants to buy the church to tear it down and build a hotel. Mr Okonkwo asks Elijah to get out of his house. Elijah discovers that to save the church, he has to come up with N49 million.

Yes, this movie has suddenly become a “we have to raise money to save the rec centre ” type of thing. Anna tries to get Mr Timi to pay the money in the most entitled way possible.

Timi comes up with a way for them to save the church. It has something to do with colonial land rights. I don’t know. You think the movie is about to end when Elijah has another asthma attack, just as he and Anna are about to bump genitals.

Elijah is taken to the hospital, and it’s revealed that what he thought was asthma was actually his lungs failing. To survive, he’ll need lung transplants. Timi and Anna sit over a plate of unseasoned eggs to cry.

Then Timi decides to legally adopt Elijah, also willing his fortune and donating his mutant lungs to him. He decides that this is the reason God didn’t let him die from his suicide attempts.

The lung transplant is successful, and this happens:

Elijah reopens the church and marries Anna. And the movie ends with him taking his new lungs for a spin.

THE END

Today, I will be recapping the fight between Chioma and Carolyna in this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Lagos.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Brethren, we all know what we’re here. So I’m going to skip through the episode and only talk about the parts that tie into this fight.

Okay? Okay.

Let’s start by giving props to the editing team at Livespot360 (the production team responsible for the show) for beginning the episode with a montage of Chioma and Carolyna hanging out and having fun, foreshadowing the later events of the episode. There’s a clip of them buying jewellery:

A clip of them hailing each other at Toyin’s traditional party thing from two episodes prior.

And a clip from the previous episode where Chioma says this to Carolyna:

I stan shady video editing.

At some point in between the events of this episode, Iyabo and Carolyna get into an altercation that almost leads to Iyabo beating the shit out of Carolyna. This fight isn’t shown onscreen, so the way it comes up is quite jarring. After a scene of the ladies hanging out on a yacht, we return from a commercial break to see Chioma, Mariam, and Laura talking about the fight on phone calls with other people. (Chioma, with her sister; Mariam, with her sister; and Laura, with her friend.)

From what I can gather, Carolyna was rude to Iyabo after the party on the yacht the previous night, accusing her of being insensitive and doing way too much all time, everywhere at once. Carolyna tops this off by telling Iyabo to stop acting like her mother because she’s not. Understandably pissed, Iyabo is like:

Iyabo serves She-Hulk realness by running at and attempting to wreck Carolyn’s face with her fists. Chioma intercepts this impending face pounding by running into Iyabo’s path, but Iyabo picks her up like a ragdoll and tosses her into the bedroom mirror. Judging by the fact that Carolyna’s face isn’t dented the next morning, I’m guessing the other housewives were successful at stopping Iyabo.

Does that sound gloriously messy? Yes. Will we ever see the footage? Probably not.

I hate that I had to piece this together from clips of the housewives talking about it in their confessionals. What was production doing when this fight took place? Are they telling me that no cameras were rolling? Where is the footage?? WHY WAS THE THIS FIGHT HIDDEN FROM US?!

#ReleaseTheIyaboAndCarolynaFootage

Fast forward to later in the episode, the ladies are hanging out by the pool when Chioma references the Iyabo/Carolyna fight. Carolyna tries to change the topic by bringing up Laura but Chioma checks her immediately.

Chioma tries to explain to Carolyna how bad Carolyna’s behaviour was, pointing out Carolyna’s refusal to apologise to Iyabo until Chioma forced her to. Carolyna says this is a lie, and that’s how their fight starts, ladies and gentlemen. With Chioma screaming:

As the argument slowly escalates, I notice that Carolyn’s M.O is throwing out random accusations and hoping that one sticks. In the span of a few minutes, she claims that Chioma is accusing her of not being remorseful for her behaviour because Chioma wants:

• A favour from Iyabo.
• To join Iyabos clique.
• To get back at her for making fun of Chioma’s boyfriend.

Carolyna realises that she’s not winning the argument and attempts to ruin Chioma’s reputation in the eyes of the other ladies, telling them that Chioma believed they were razz when they all met for the first time. This doesn’t work because Chioma owns up to it and says that her opinion of them has changed now that she knows them better. We get a few more minutes of this:

Some of the other ladies are lowkey enjoying the chaos.

Meanwhile, Laura hears the fight happening and is happy because she assumes this vindicates her in her fight with Carolyna earlier in the season. I have bad news for her because:

Things get hotter when Carolyna insults Chioma’s entire family by calling them bastards. Chioma flares up and attacks her.

I just wish she didn’t knock Iyabo down in the process sha.

The episode ends with both Chioma and Carolyna stating in their confessionals that their friendship is over.

The End

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Today, I will be reviewing insane semo recipes.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

If you’re an avid reader of Zikoko, you know that we’ve spent years relentlessly pushing the agenda that the swallow known as semo is awful.

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/1337377032808886272?s=21&t=vWDzQMksoSxw_ziKS0AA1w

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/1433502721571758082?s=21&t=vWDzQMksoSxw_ziKS0AA1w

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/1286226143377596422?s=21&t=vWDzQMksoSxw_ziKS0AA1w

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/1296726209670373376?s=21&t=vWDzQMksoSxw_ziKS0AA1w

We can’t stop, won’t stop pushing this agenda because semo is terrible. It’s the worst of all the known swallows, and rumour has it that vulcanisers use it to patch holes in car tyres.

This brings us to today’s issue. I recently came across a website that claims to contain “7812 easy and tasty semo recipes.”

Alas, no one said sike.

Because I like suffering, I went through the website and saw horrible things.

Mama, let’s research.

I imagine that this tastes like sadness. Even syrup won’t help mask the taste of despair.

This semolina glazed bread looks like a mutant doughnut whose creation was botched during the cloning process and is now begging you to shoot it square in the face because it’s in so much pain and wants to be put out of its misery.

I just gagged…and not in a good way.

IS THAT OKRO SOUP?!

You can tell this meat pie isn’t normal because it’s so fucking mishappen. This is not ok. None of this is ok.

Once again, none of those toppings will help mask the depressing taste of semo.

Nope.

Imagine biting into puff puff and realising that the texture is weird because it’s made from semo, and there are also raisins in it. I will burn everyone and everything to the ground.

I blame Buhari for this. If beans didn’t become so expensive, this wouldn’t be happening.

God, abeg.

This is going to be more tasteless than a struggling Nigerian Instagram comedian’s skits.

If your friends get you this for your birthday, I want you to know that they hate you. Not only do they hate you, they secretly hope that you die in a Final Destination-style freak accident. Preferably one that involves a lot of pain.

The End

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed The Most Insane Nigerian Porn Titles On The Internet So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be reviewing the most insane Nigerian porn titles on the internet.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

The things I saw while researching this article have scarred me for life. If you see me on the road, squeeze $16,000 into my palms.

I have the best job in the world. Do you want to know how I know this? Because I came across this tweet yesterday:

Wow, a lot going on here. pic.twitter.com/v5c4IcpR75

— Sarah Lynn? (@wonuolasekinat) May 30, 2022

And immediately decided that this week’s “So You Don’t Have To” would be about insane Nigerian porn titles on the internet. My job allowed me — nay, required me — to go through dozens of pages of porn. You wish you had my job.

Also, if you see me on the road, give me a hug and rub my head. I’ve seen horrible things.

I Care A Lot (2020), starring Rosamund Pike.

To be clear, the protagonist of this film would hang around a building full of blind guys, knowing that they would immediately get lost when trying to go anywhere and pretend to help but would direct them to an uncompleted building next door to have sex? I stan a scheming queen.

It’s giving Ralia the Sugar Girl all grown up and looking to provide some sugar.

Where is this local bathroom that she just stumbled into the evil forest from Igodo while looking for it? And why is she naked?

Daddy Bubu has indeed ruined everything. Even Nigerian sexual role play ideas.

You know what? These are trying times, and if Nigerians use role-play to cope with Daddy Bubu’s terrible presidency, so be it.

How To Get Away With Fornication

This story has more plot twists than the 2019 Nigerian crime thriller film, The Set-Up. Inject it.

Maybe this can be the plot of the inevitable Nneka the Pretty Serpent sequel Charles of Play is planning.

I love that the marine kingdom is evolving with the times and now accepts all other forms of payment. Shout out to the current reigning Queen Mother for all her hard work and innovation.

I’m thoroughly confused by this. Did she not know she was naked? And she was sitting on the village local public pussy champion? Why is “local” in this twice? Step grandma??

Temptation Everywhere All At Once (2022)

I wonder if this is what it was like for the people that angels were coming down from heaven to bump genitals with back in Noah’s time.

Old Roger Is Dead (2022)

My theory is that she bumped genitals just above his grave, and Roger wasn’t having it, so he cursed her with leprosy from the afterlife.

Awwwww. I stan a progressive couple.

I can see a piano, so I hope to God that this becomes a musical at some point.

That’s fucked up.

Why the bush, though? Doesn’t the chief’s son have a house??

Things move so fast that you almost forget the implied incest.

Why was she bathing her stepsister?

How To Get Away With Fornication 2: Day of Reckoning

Is the wife having sex with her boyfriend at the gate? That’s hardcore.

My favourite thing about this is how cocky the protagonist sounds.

Somewhere in the multiverse, there’s an insanely misguided White Hunters spin-off named Black Hunters, and this is the plot.

I love behind-the-scenes tea.

There’s way too much going on here to understand, but I’m happy the cameraman got to join in the fun.

Ah. The oracle sef??

Oracles need good loving too. Who knew?

Is…is that the protagonist’s inner monologue?

Konji is a terrible thing.

I’m going to leave you all with the worst of all.

Everything about this is cursed.

The End

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Today, I will be recapping the incredibly messy 8th episode of Real Housewives Of Lagos.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

I know you’re here for the DRAMA, but let’s do a quick recap of the show for those who don’t watch or do watch but need a refresher.

Real Housewives of Lagos is a reality show that was produced by Livespot360 and premiered on Showmax in April 2022. A spin-off of Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise, Showmax describes the show as “a peek into the lives into the opulent and oh-so-extra lifestyle of some of the most affluent women in Lagos, living their best Eko-Miami lives. Plus, all the drama and gbas gbos you can expect from The Real Housewives franchise.”

The main cast (from L to R) includes:

• Toyin Lawani (aka Tiannah Styling): Serial entrepreneur and unhinged fashion designer.
• Chioma Ikoku (aka Chioma Goodhair): Lawyer, Co-founder of Goodhair LTD, and goddess of beauty.
• Mariam Trimmer: PR expert and instigator of fun.
• Carolyna Hutchings: Actress and self-proclaimed oil and gas mogul.
• Iyabo Ojo: Actress and good vibes queen.
• Laura Ikeji: Social media influencer and fashion blogger.

The show follows the same format as the other instalments. In every episode, one of the housewives throws a party as an excuse to gather the cast together in one place, with the production team hoping that drama of some kind will happen. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we got the messy fight that went down in this week’s episode.

In the last episode, Mariam invited the girls over to her house for a fancy lunch, which ended up becoming a late dinner because Carolyna and Chioma showed up like six hours late. Laura was clearly upset about the tardy duo keeping everyone waiting but said nothing, choosing instead to grumble over everything else (the food, the entertainment, etc) and attacking Chioma and Carolyna the next day in their WhatsApp group. Here’s the message she sent:

Chioma stayed silent through the whole thing but Carolyna was giving it back to Laura hot hot. The episode ended with Carolyn accusing Laura of being a runs girl who gets pimped out to Nigerian politicians for money.

Let’s get into the juicy part of the week’s episode

Stressed out by the tension stemming from the events of the last episode, Iyabo invites all the housewives to a meeting to squash the beef, but the exact opposite happens. Before we talk about the fights, let’s hold hands and gaze upon Toyin living her “Pennywise the dancing clown” fantasy.

Round 1: Iyabo Vs Laura

Iyabo starts the meeting by addressing everyone. Laura is in the corner looking smug because she thinks this meeting is for tackling Chioma and Carolyn’s late coming. She is shocked when Iyabo turns to her and is like:

Laura loudly asks to know why the girls are always on her ass about one thing or another, and Iyabo explains that it’s that Laura never verbally expresses when something is bothering her. She just channels all that energy into being a Debby Downer bringing down the vibe. The conversation perfectly segues into the next round.

Round 2: Toyin Vs Laura

Iyabo points out that Laura went into Super Saiyan Debber Downer mode at Mariam’s dinner and was rude to Toyin, even though Toyin was just trying to make sure Laura was ok. Toyin agrees and starts to talk about how Laura’s “You’re doing too much” comment made her feel when Laura takes the conversation in a different direction by accusing Toyin of being a terrible friend.

Toyin tries to explain that just because they’re friends doesn’t mean she has to support Laura’s bad behaviour, but Laura isn’t having it. They engage in a screaming match for like half a minute while Chioma and Iyabo loudly cackle in the corner.

When her gaslighting doesn’t work, Laura quickly apologises to Toyin, stating in her confessional that the only reason she apologised is so the other housewives won’t make fun of her for fighting with her only “real” friend.

Round 3: Carolyna Vs Laura

Laura tries to defend her anger that night by pointing out that Chioma and Carolyna must’ve planned to come for Mariam’s event later because they dressed in dinner clothes while the rest dressed for lunch. Carolyna, who has been quiet this whole time, comes alive and is like:

Laura ignores the comment and seemingly starts backtracking, claiming that the message she sent to the group chat — the one that started this whole thing — wasn’t directed at anybody in particular, which is insane because the message had Carolyna and Chioma’s names in it. Iyabo points this out, and Laura adds that she wasn’t even angry when she sent the message. Let’s read that message again.

The other housewives are like:

Carolyn accuses Laura of always wanting to start drama with her and Chioma because she wants more followers on social media. The reaction shot that follows this should be made into a painting.

Laura says this doesn’t make sense because she has more followers than Chioma and Carolyna combined. And she’s right.

They keep going back and forth while the others watch. Things get heated when Laura threatens to beat up Carolyna’s ass if she ever mentions her sister’s name (Linda). Carolyna is like:

And Laura goes to attack her, but the others hold her back. Carolyn keeps going by accusing Laura of being pimped to a Nigerian politician back in 2017. Laura denies it and jumps at Carolyna, but Mariam, like a rugby player, intercepts her, mistakenly losing her entire blouse and exposing her boobs in the process. (We don’t see it, but Toyin mentions it later.) Carolyn throws a cup of water into Laura’s face, Shangela style, which causes Laura to dash at Carolyna again but is held back by Chioma this time. Mariam is on the floor, clutching what’s left of her blouse to her chest. Some production crew members have to intervene, and it seems like things are calming down. Laura suddenly goes she-hulk on everyone and goes for Carolyna AGAIN. It takes the entire production crew to hold her down this time.

Round 4: Toyin Vs Laura (The Sequel)

Laura composes herself off-camera and announces that she’s leaving. Toyin walks with her to the elevator to make sure she’s ok, but she starts to cry, screaming about how Toyin didn’t stand up for her and claiming that if the roles were reversed, she would’ve done the needful. The episode ends with Laura declaring in her confessional that her friendship with Toyin is over.

The End

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed the Most Insane Mobile Game Ads So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be reviewing the most insane mobile game ads I have ever seen.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

You know what?

I get it

The mobile game ecosystem is harsh. It’s hard to get noticed when thousands of developers worldwide are trying to make the next Among Us or Candy Crush. Even those games I just mentioned aren’t as popular as they used to be. They were hot for like a year or two and eventually went to join once-legendary games like Angry Birds and Subway Surfers in the mobile game afterlife in the recesses of our minds. The need to stand out is also why mobile game developers started lying about their games’ appearance in their ads.

The lies started small. And because I understood their plight, I was willing to overlook these cute little untruths. However, the lies have gotten out of hand. Mobile game developers have started lying about what the hell their games are about. They attack us on every website and social media with ads featuring the wildest plots this side of a Tyler Perry Productions and Wattpad crossover. So, today:

Because I can’t take it anymore.

Here are the most insane mobile game ads I’ve come across.

Let’s get into it

Merge Mansion.

In this video, a sad woman in a wedding dress gets down from a cab. Her dress is drenched, and her mascara is smudged, so it’s clear that this poor lady has been through it. When you think it can’t get worse, Sad Bride Lady (this is what I’m calling her now) turns around to see that her house has burned to the ground. Sad Bride Lady starts bawling her eyes out but is interrupted by a call from her grandma. Grandma gives Sad Bride Lady a house on the condition that Sad Bride Lady renovates the house herself. Sad Bride Lady gets to work and is having a blast serving Bob the Builder realness when Grandma suddenly gets arrested. As she’s being driven away in the police car, Grandma gives an evil smile and sticks her palm to the glass to show Sad Bride Lady a message: He’s still alive.

Who’s still alive?? Sad Bride Lady’s fiancé who left her at the altar? I assumed that he ran off with some other girl. But could Grandma be the reason he never showed up? None of these questions are answered when you play the game because it has no story whatsoever. The entire game play is just Sad Bride Lady cleaning an enormous house.

It’s like The Sims, but for people who like to clean.

If anyone knows the name of this game, please drop it in the comments because WTF??

In this hilariously horrifying clip, a red-haired, heavily pregnant woman is walking down the street when she spots her boyfriend crossing the street hand in hand with another heavily pregnant woman. Before red-haired, heavily pregnant woman can process the fact that her boyfriend has shared his seed with another woman, she gets hit square in the stomach by a football that comes out of nowhere. She falls to the ground crying as her water breaks and forms a pool around her.

Again, WTF?

Project Makeover

Two hot girls are working out at the gym. I’m describing it as working out, but all that’s happening is that one girl is releasing incredibly toxic farts (the fumes are green) into the other girl’s face. Before you have a chance to ask whatever the fuck is going on, the camera pans out to reveal that they’re being watched by an unkempt girl who seems to also has a fart fetish. She longs to join them but knows she can’t until she gets a makeover. So she showers and attempts to look presentable but doesn’t do a great job. She approaches the farting ladies but is told to fuck off with more vitriol than Benita Nzeribe used to tell Rita Dominic that she stinks with poverty in that one old Nollywood clip.

The moral of this story: Always be down for a makeover so you’ll never be turned away from an orgy for being too ugly.

Whispers

These screenshots tell the whole story. The guy in red flannel loves his wife but can’t resist the sheer hotness of his suit-clad boss. After thinking it through for a few seconds, and because body no be firewood, he gives in to the carnal pleasures of the flesh and lets his boss give him a hand job.

It’s a tale as old as time, really.

Tasty Makeovers

This one is just like the ad where a pregnant lady gets hit in the stomach by a football. A pregnant woman, who looks a lot like Britney Spears returns from the grocery store, complete with a baguette and celery sticking out of the brown paper bag, to find her husband doing some Kamasutra sex shit with another woman. The husband is spread out on the dining table while the mistress hangs from the ceiling with Christmas lights on some Cirque du Soleil shit and vacuums his tonsils with her tongue. Pregnant lady has two options: endure or leave, and she leaves and delivers her baby alone in a building with no roof in the middle of a snowstorm.

Let’s end this one that took meta to a whole other level.

Girl, I’m done.

The End

To the developers putting out these insane mobile game ads, maybe your games would do well if you put as much effort into the actual gameplay as you do the fraudulent ads.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Nollywood Movie, “Igodo,” So You Don’t Have To