Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping Merry Men 3: Nemesis.

The following tweet is my official intro for this article.

Let’s get into it.

The movie starts with a flashback to an unspecified point in time when the entire world was covered with the sepia filter Hollywood uses for films set in Mexico. We’re introduced to two characters, Dafe and Ayo, played by the worst child actors I’ve ever seen. Ayo is showing Dafe a magic trick involving a coin.

After a title card that serves PS1 realness, the movie returns to the present day and drops us smack in the middle of a police car filmed and edited like the director was trying his hardest to make the audience vomit. Also, am I bugging or is this Andrew Tate??

The robber gets away after blowing up the police cars and returns to the rest of his crew. They takes off their mask and is revealed to be Dafe — one of the kids from the opening scene — now played by Chidi Mokeme. Dafe asks to be released from the robbery gang as he has paid what he owes (what this is all about will be revealed later), and the gang leader says no.

TEN BANKS?!

So Dafe kills the rest of the crew with poison (the poison somehow takes hold of all of them at the same time), shoots the leader in the face, and returns to Nigeria.

In the next scene, Ayo (Ramsey Nouah) is getting married to his girlfriend, Dera. Dera was played by Damilola Adegbite in the last movie, but:

As Ayo and Dera are reading their vows, a recording of Dafe’s voice starts playing over the church’s PA system. While Ayo’s groomsmen, Amaju (AY) and Johnny (Williams Uchemba), try to figure out what’s happening, the wedding guests are LIVING for the drama. My favourites are these two:

Dafe makes them watch a live stream of their friend, Naz (played in the last movie by Jim Iyke but by a body double in this one), getting blown up with a car bomb on his way to Ayo’s wedding. All the main characters react to this death to the best of their actors’ abilities. But Naz’s girlfriend, Kemi (Rosaline Meurer), reacts by screaming directly into the camera for some reason, and it’s the most unintentionally hilarious thing I’ve ever seen.

Ajamu goes to warn fellow merry man Remi (played by Falz in the last movie) that there’s a new threat but finds him dead. All I can think about at this point is how many people declined to return to this franchise by saying, “Kill off our characters and use their deaths to kickstart this anyhow plot.”

While the merry men are grieving their losses, Dafe returns to his village to see his mother. He learns from his mother’s friend that his mother died months prior from an illness, and she couldn’t be treated due to a lack of health facilities in the village.

After he says this, Dafe comes to a conclusion.

Because he’s tired of them stealing the funds meant for things like health facilities. His first target is a politician named Chief Jimoh (Jide Kosoko). Jide Kosoko is in this movie for all of three minutes and spends 99% of that time doing this:

Dafe shoots Chief Jimoh in the face, anyway. He then kidnaps the priest and friend of the gang, Uduak Francis (played by Ejike Asiegbu in the last movie but now played by Sam Dede), and promises to let Uduak go if Ayo comes.

Ayo shows up, but to no one’s surprise, Dafe shoots them both. Uduak dies, but Ayo survives thanks to a bulletproof vest. Ajamu, Johnny, and Dera take Ayo to a hospital to be cared for by a Doctor Ejiro (played by famously 35-year-old actress and reality TV star Carolyna Hutchings).

The merry men find out they’re wanted by the police because Dafe has framed them for the murder of Chief Jimoh, so they return to their secret bunker to figure out what to do next. Amaju gets a call from prison. It’s Dame Maduka (Ireti Doyle), and she wants Amaju to visit her. Amaju is worried about being caught by the police, so he dons a disguise.

Y’all. Look at this disguise.

I haven’t seen a disguise this flimsy since Lupin. Jesus Christ.

I zone out for a bit, and something Dame Maduka says snaps me back to reality and makes me question the nature of the movie I’m watching.

Keep in mind that I didn’t alter the subtitles here. So I’m just sitting there like:

Dame Maduka says she has information on Dafe’s whereabouts and is willing to share, but only if the merry men break her out of prison. And they do, with the help of a character recruited by Dera named Zara (Ufuoma McDermott). Zara initially refuses to help because she’s worried about her son’s safety.

But Dera is like:

Zara robs a bank, intentionally gets caught, and is sent to the same prison Dame Maduka is in. I pause here to laugh at how easily this plan would’ve fallen apart if she’d been sent to another prison. Thank God for plot for convenience. After delivering Dame Maduka to the merry men bunker base of operations, Zara attempts to peace the fuck out…until Dafe sashays back into the movie’s plot to reveal that he’s kidnapped her son.

Zara freaks the fuck out.

She loses her entire shit and holds everyone at gunpoint for some reason.

Dame Maduka is just In the corner like:

Dame Maduka would be great at “So You Don’t Have To.”

Zara goes on a solo rescue mission and is promptly captured, beaten, and given the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego treatment. Except that in this case, she feels the fire and dies horrifically.

Dafe says he’ll release Zara’s son if the merry men kill the senate president. They agree. While they plan for this, Dame Maduka convinces Kemi (Naz’s grieving widow) to give her the code to the group’s vault in exchange for Dafe’s whereabouts so Kemi can get her revenge.

This is incredibly stupid because the merry men already know where Dafe is. This subplot only happens so Dame Maduka can clear the vault and run off with their money while they’re on their mission. But whatever, sha.

Ayo shoots the senate president on-camera…

…while Dafe watches with so much excitement, it looks like he’s creaming his jeans.

Dafe asks the merry men to meet him at Zara’s son’s favourite place. The merry men are confused because Zara, the only person who would know this, has been barbecued. Dera correctly guesses that it’s the Hakuna Matata theme park in Lekki because that’s where she met with Zara earlier in the movie.

And that’s when I clock what’s happening.

The movie’s climax is set up to happen at Hakuna Matata theme park due to a product placement deal between the park and the movie studio. I’m just like:

The merry men get there at the same time as the police. Dafe finds out that the merry men faked the senate president shooting video, so he angrily straps a bomb to Zara’s son’s chest. The merry men show up, and many fucking awful fight scenes happen concurrently. Dafe is defeated, and the merry men are free to go because their names have been cleared. It’s revealed that Ayo is the father of Zara’s son.

Meanwhile, Dame Maduka attempts to escape with the merry men’s money but is thwarted by the police.

Hopefully, for the last time, because I DO NOT want to see another Merry Men movie.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

“Timi, a gifted clergyman, turns into an old lonely curmudgeon when his family is tragically taken from him. Until Elijah, a humble man with big dreams of becoming a priest, comes into his life. Through Elijah, Timi learns to live again and realises the purpose for all his gifts and wealth.”

– The movie’s synopsis from Prime Video

The movie starts with a CGI scene set in the year 2060. We see an older man in a wheelchair and a woman behind him at a graveyard, staring at a group of holographic tombstones.

I’m excited because I think the movie is set in the future. My excitement disappears when the film takes us back to 1953 and begins a round of narration so fucking long it would give the Cinema Sins guy several heart attacks.

I’m not even kidding. I thought the narrator was there to set the scene and then leave, but he’s a major presence in the movie for at least ONE HOUR.

The narration covers a shit ton of back story for a man named Timi — who the narrator refers to as his father — so I’ll do my best to speed through it.

Timi (Ademola Adedoyin) is an exceptional young Nigerian who is smart and can fluently speak 16 languages. He also has what I can only describe as mutant lungs and can stay underwater without coming up for long periods. The longest amount of time he’s done this for is 57 minutes.

The fact that the American government doesn’t kidnap and run tests on him after this feat is further proof that this movie is taking place in a whole other timeline.

Timi becomes a reverend and marries a woman named Bridget (Eku Edewor).

If you can’t tell, I have an enormous crush on Eku Edewor.

Tragedy strikes when Timi and his daughter are at a carnival and witness a murder committed by a notorious thug hilariously named Baby Fire. Baby Fire is inexplicably wearing the worst-looking civil servant wig you’ve ever seen. Gaze upon it.

Timi agrees to snitch on Baby Fire in court, hoping they can finally put him in jail, but Baby Fire has some powerful white friends and is acquitted. Baby Fire, eager to show Timi that snitches get stitches and end up in ditches, gets back at Timi by kidnapping Timi’s wife and daughter and setting them on fire right in front of him.

After grieving for nine straight days without moving from the spot where his wife and daughter were barbecued, Timi decides to take matters into his own hands since God won’t. He kills Baby Fire and sets Baby Fire’s house on fire to cover his tracks. He then abandons the clergy life, closes down the church, and tries to kill himself in many ways — including drinking a jumbo-sized tub of bleach.

None of the suicide attempts work because God doesn’t want him dead yet (?) Anyway, decades pass, and Timi has aged into a whole other actor.

For those who don’t know, “The Legend of Gatuso” is an unintentionally hilarious and terribly made Nollywood rip-off “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” How THEE Wale Ojo ended up in it will always be one of life’s greatest mysteries. Here’s the movie’s poster.

Look at him posing! Sjdjdhfsjkhfdjhs!

Let’s get back to “Breath of Life.”

Timi has become a grumpy, impatient recluse who’s looking to hire a house manager but can’t stop, won’t stop shooting at the applicants when they annoy him.

Elijah (Chimezie Imo), the movie’s narrator and fresh-eyed Jesus baby, sashays into the movie’s plot. Elijah is here to apply for the position of House Manager and wanders into the house without knocking. Timi asks who the hell Elijah is, triggering Elijah’s asthma.

After a Looney Tunes-style sequence where Timi hires Elijah on the spot and proceeds to make Elijah fry eggs a hundred times until he gets it the way Timi likes, Elijah decides to start a weekly bible study group at the old abandoned church. He knows Timi hates everything related to God and religion, so he holds the bible study during Timi’s siesta times. While sharing flyers at the local hospital to raise awareness for the bible study, he spots a volunteer nurse named Anna (Geneveva Umeh). You can guess what happens next.

Eager to get Anna’s attention but knowing he has no rizz, Elijah emotionally manipulates the hospital’s patients into getting Anna to attend bible study. It works, and Anna shows up at the church after one of the meetings to talk to him. When he tries to reply to her, this happens.

He has his inhaler with him, though, so all’s good. They bond as he walks her home, and they pretty much start dating. Months pass, and they’re at the point where they’re doing this during bible study meetings:

Things are going well until Timi finds out Elijah has been having bible studies behind his back.

Timi threatens to fire Elijah. Elijah begs, and Timi changes his mind. A lot of nothing happens. There’s a touching scene where Timi watches old home movies starring his now-dead wife and daughter. Things take a turn for the unintentionally hilarious when young Timi shows up in a frame of the home movie he’s watching, holding the camera that’s supposed to be recording the film.

At some point, Timi and Elijah bond over reading.

Meanwhile, Anna decides that she MUST meet Timi for some reason. Against Elijah’s wishes, Anna shows up at Timi’s house. Timi has no idea who she is and is like:

Anna refuses to take no for an answer and knocks again. This time, Timi comes out with a gun, causing her to fall like a horror movie final girl and cut her leg. He takes pity on her and brings her in to treat her wound. Elijah returns from a grocery run to see this and dramatically drops a crate of eggs. Anna begins coming to the house more, and Timi is first upset by it.

Then just doesn’t give a shit.

Anna invites Elijah to meet her RICH ASS parents. Her mother, Mrs Okonkwo (Ashionye Michelle-Raccah), is sweet and welcoming but becomes uncomfortable when she finds out that Elijah is the one running the town bible study. We soon find out why when Anna’s father, Mr Okonkwo (Sam Dede), comes in and turns out to be a guy who wants to buy the church to tear it down and build a hotel. Mr Okonkwo asks Elijah to get out of his house. Elijah discovers that to save the church, he has to come up with N49 million.

Yes, this movie has suddenly become a “we have to raise money to save the rec centre ” type of thing. Anna tries to get Mr Timi to pay the money in the most entitled way possible.

Timi comes up with a way for them to save the church. It has something to do with colonial land rights. I don’t know. You think the movie is about to end when Elijah has another asthma attack, just as he and Anna are about to bump genitals.

Elijah is taken to the hospital, and it’s revealed that what he thought was asthma was actually his lungs failing. To survive, he’ll need lung transplants. Timi and Anna sit over a plate of unseasoned eggs to cry.

Then Timi decides to legally adopt Elijah, also willing his fortune and donating his mutant lungs to him. He decides that this is the reason God didn’t let him die from his suicide attempts.

The lung transplant is successful, and this happens:

Elijah reopens the church and marries Anna. And the movie ends with him taking his new lungs for a spin.

THE END

Today, I will be recapping the fight between Chioma and Carolyna in this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Lagos.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Brethren, we all know what we’re here. So I’m going to skip through the episode and only talk about the parts that tie into this fight.

Okay? Okay.

Let’s start by giving props to the editing team at Livespot360 (the production team responsible for the show) for beginning the episode with a montage of Chioma and Carolyna hanging out and having fun, foreshadowing the later events of the episode. There’s a clip of them buying jewellery:

A clip of them hailing each other at Toyin’s traditional party thing from two episodes prior.

And a clip from the previous episode where Chioma says this to Carolyna:

I stan shady video editing.

At some point in between the events of this episode, Iyabo and Carolyna get into an altercation that almost leads to Iyabo beating the shit out of Carolyna. This fight isn’t shown onscreen, so the way it comes up is quite jarring. After a scene of the ladies hanging out on a yacht, we return from a commercial break to see Chioma, Mariam, and Laura talking about the fight on phone calls with other people. (Chioma, with her sister; Mariam, with her sister; and Laura, with her friend.)

From what I can gather, Carolyna was rude to Iyabo after the party on the yacht the previous night, accusing her of being insensitive and doing way too much all time, everywhere at once. Carolyna tops this off by telling Iyabo to stop acting like her mother because she’s not. Understandably pissed, Iyabo is like:

Iyabo serves She-Hulk realness by running at and attempting to wreck Carolyn’s face with her fists. Chioma intercepts this impending face pounding by running into Iyabo’s path, but Iyabo picks her up like a ragdoll and tosses her into the bedroom mirror. Judging by the fact that Carolyna’s face isn’t dented the next morning, I’m guessing the other housewives were successful at stopping Iyabo.

Does that sound gloriously messy? Yes. Will we ever see the footage? Probably not.

I hate that I had to piece this together from clips of the housewives talking about it in their confessionals. What was production doing when this fight took place? Are they telling me that no cameras were rolling? Where is the footage?? WHY WAS THE THIS FIGHT HIDDEN FROM US?!

#ReleaseTheIyaboAndCarolynaFootage

Fast forward to later in the episode, the ladies are hanging out by the pool when Chioma references the Iyabo/Carolyna fight. Carolyna tries to change the topic by bringing up Laura but Chioma checks her immediately.

Chioma tries to explain to Carolyna how bad Carolyna’s behaviour was, pointing out Carolyna’s refusal to apologise to Iyabo until Chioma forced her to. Carolyna says this is a lie, and that’s how their fight starts, ladies and gentlemen. With Chioma screaming:

As the argument slowly escalates, I notice that Carolyn’s M.O is throwing out random accusations and hoping that one sticks. In the span of a few minutes, she claims that Chioma is accusing her of not being remorseful for her behaviour because Chioma wants:

• A favour from Iyabo.
• To join Iyabos clique.
• To get back at her for making fun of Chioma’s boyfriend.

Carolyna realises that she’s not winning the argument and attempts to ruin Chioma’s reputation in the eyes of the other ladies, telling them that Chioma believed they were razz when they all met for the first time. This doesn’t work because Chioma owns up to it and says that her opinion of them has changed now that she knows them better. We get a few more minutes of this:

Some of the other ladies are lowkey enjoying the chaos.

Meanwhile, Laura hears the fight happening and is happy because she assumes this vindicates her in her fight with Carolyna earlier in the season. I have bad news for her because:

Things get hotter when Carolyna insults Chioma’s entire family by calling them bastards. Chioma flares up and attacks her.

I just wish she didn’t knock Iyabo down in the process sha.

The episode ends with both Chioma and Carolyna stating in their confessionals that their friendship is over.

The End

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Today, I will be reviewing insane semo recipes.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

If you’re an avid reader of Zikoko, you know that we’ve spent years relentlessly pushing the agenda that the swallow known as semo is awful.

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/1337377032808886272?s=21&t=vWDzQMksoSxw_ziKS0AA1w

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/1433502721571758082?s=21&t=vWDzQMksoSxw_ziKS0AA1w

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/1286226143377596422?s=21&t=vWDzQMksoSxw_ziKS0AA1w

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/1296726209670373376?s=21&t=vWDzQMksoSxw_ziKS0AA1w

We can’t stop, won’t stop pushing this agenda because semo is terrible. It’s the worst of all the known swallows, and rumour has it that vulcanisers use it to patch holes in car tyres.

This brings us to today’s issue. I recently came across a website that claims to contain “7812 easy and tasty semo recipes.”

Alas, no one said sike.

Because I like suffering, I went through the website and saw horrible things.

Mama, let’s research.

I imagine that this tastes like sadness. Even syrup won’t help mask the taste of despair.

This semolina glazed bread looks like a mutant doughnut whose creation was botched during the cloning process and is now begging you to shoot it square in the face because it’s in so much pain and wants to be put out of its misery.

I just gagged…and not in a good way.

IS THAT OKRO SOUP?!

You can tell this meat pie isn’t normal because it’s so fucking mishappen. This is not ok. None of this is ok.

Once again, none of those toppings will help mask the depressing taste of semo.

Nope.

Imagine biting into puff puff and realising that the texture is weird because it’s made from semo, and there are also raisins in it. I will burn everyone and everything to the ground.

I blame Buhari for this. If beans didn’t become so expensive, this wouldn’t be happening.

God, abeg.

This is going to be more tasteless than a struggling Nigerian Instagram comedian’s skits.

If your friends get you this for your birthday, I want you to know that they hate you. Not only do they hate you, they secretly hope that you die in a Final Destination-style freak accident. Preferably one that involves a lot of pain.

The End

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed The Most Insane Nigerian Porn Titles On The Internet So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be reviewing the most insane Nigerian porn titles on the internet.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

The things I saw while researching this article have scarred me for life. If you see me on the road, squeeze $16,000 into my palms.

I have the best job in the world. Do you want to know how I know this? Because I came across this tweet yesterday:

Wow, a lot going on here. pic.twitter.com/v5c4IcpR75

— Sarah Lynn? (@wonuolasekinat) May 30, 2022

And immediately decided that this week’s “So You Don’t Have To” would be about insane Nigerian porn titles on the internet. My job allowed me — nay, required me — to go through dozens of pages of porn. You wish you had my job.

Also, if you see me on the road, give me a hug and rub my head. I’ve seen horrible things.

I Care A Lot (2020), starring Rosamund Pike.

To be clear, the protagonist of this film would hang around a building full of blind guys, knowing that they would immediately get lost when trying to go anywhere and pretend to help but would direct them to an uncompleted building next door to have sex? I stan a scheming queen.

It’s giving Ralia the Sugar Girl all grown up and looking to provide some sugar.

Where is this local bathroom that she just stumbled into the evil forest from Igodo while looking for it? And why is she naked?

Daddy Bubu has indeed ruined everything. Even Nigerian sexual role play ideas.

You know what? These are trying times, and if Nigerians use role-play to cope with Daddy Bubu’s terrible presidency, so be it.

How To Get Away With Fornication

This story has more plot twists than the 2019 Nigerian crime thriller film, The Set-Up. Inject it.

Maybe this can be the plot of the inevitable Nneka the Pretty Serpent sequel Charles of Play is planning.

I love that the marine kingdom is evolving with the times and now accepts all other forms of payment. Shout out to the current reigning Queen Mother for all her hard work and innovation.

I’m thoroughly confused by this. Did she not know she was naked? And she was sitting on the village local public pussy champion? Why is “local” in this twice? Step grandma??

Temptation Everywhere All At Once (2022)

I wonder if this is what it was like for the people that angels were coming down from heaven to bump genitals with back in Noah’s time.

Old Roger Is Dead (2022)

My theory is that she bumped genitals just above his grave, and Roger wasn’t having it, so he cursed her with leprosy from the afterlife.

Awwwww. I stan a progressive couple.

I can see a piano, so I hope to God that this becomes a musical at some point.

That’s fucked up.

Why the bush, though? Doesn’t the chief’s son have a house??

Things move so fast that you almost forget the implied incest.

Why was she bathing her stepsister?

How To Get Away With Fornication 2: Day of Reckoning

Is the wife having sex with her boyfriend at the gate? That’s hardcore.

My favourite thing about this is how cocky the protagonist sounds.

Somewhere in the multiverse, there’s an insanely misguided White Hunters spin-off named Black Hunters, and this is the plot.

I love behind-the-scenes tea.

There’s way too much going on here to understand, but I’m happy the cameraman got to join in the fun.

Ah. The oracle sef??

Oracles need good loving too. Who knew?

Is…is that the protagonist’s inner monologue?

Konji is a terrible thing.

I’m going to leave you all with the worst of all.

Everything about this is cursed.

The End

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Today, I will be recapping the incredibly messy 8th episode of Real Housewives Of Lagos.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

I know you’re here for the DRAMA, but let’s do a quick recap of the show for those who don’t watch or do watch but need a refresher.

Real Housewives of Lagos is a reality show that was produced by Livespot360 and premiered on Showmax in April 2022. A spin-off of Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise, Showmax describes the show as “a peek into the lives into the opulent and oh-so-extra lifestyle of some of the most affluent women in Lagos, living their best Eko-Miami lives. Plus, all the drama and gbas gbos you can expect from The Real Housewives franchise.”

The main cast (from L to R) includes:

• Toyin Lawani (aka Tiannah Styling): Serial entrepreneur and unhinged fashion designer.
• Chioma Ikoku (aka Chioma Goodhair): Lawyer, Co-founder of Goodhair LTD, and goddess of beauty.
• Mariam Trimmer: PR expert and instigator of fun.
• Carolyna Hutchings: Actress and self-proclaimed oil and gas mogul.
• Iyabo Ojo: Actress and good vibes queen.
• Laura Ikeji: Social media influencer and fashion blogger.

The show follows the same format as the other instalments. In every episode, one of the housewives throws a party as an excuse to gather the cast together in one place, with the production team hoping that drama of some kind will happen. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we got the messy fight that went down in this week’s episode.

In the last episode, Mariam invited the girls over to her house for a fancy lunch, which ended up becoming a late dinner because Carolyna and Chioma showed up like six hours late. Laura was clearly upset about the tardy duo keeping everyone waiting but said nothing, choosing instead to grumble over everything else (the food, the entertainment, etc) and attacking Chioma and Carolyna the next day in their WhatsApp group. Here’s the message she sent:

Chioma stayed silent through the whole thing but Carolyna was giving it back to Laura hot hot. The episode ended with Carolyn accusing Laura of being a runs girl who gets pimped out to Nigerian politicians for money.

Let’s get into the juicy part of the week’s episode

Stressed out by the tension stemming from the events of the last episode, Iyabo invites all the housewives to a meeting to squash the beef, but the exact opposite happens. Before we talk about the fights, let’s hold hands and gaze upon Toyin living her “Pennywise the dancing clown” fantasy.

Round 1: Iyabo Vs Laura

Iyabo starts the meeting by addressing everyone. Laura is in the corner looking smug because she thinks this meeting is for tackling Chioma and Carolyn’s late coming. She is shocked when Iyabo turns to her and is like:

Laura loudly asks to know why the girls are always on her ass about one thing or another, and Iyabo explains that it’s that Laura never verbally expresses when something is bothering her. She just channels all that energy into being a Debby Downer bringing down the vibe. The conversation perfectly segues into the next round.

Round 2: Toyin Vs Laura

Iyabo points out that Laura went into Super Saiyan Debber Downer mode at Mariam’s dinner and was rude to Toyin, even though Toyin was just trying to make sure Laura was ok. Toyin agrees and starts to talk about how Laura’s “You’re doing too much” comment made her feel when Laura takes the conversation in a different direction by accusing Toyin of being a terrible friend.

Toyin tries to explain that just because they’re friends doesn’t mean she has to support Laura’s bad behaviour, but Laura isn’t having it. They engage in a screaming match for like half a minute while Chioma and Iyabo loudly cackle in the corner.

When her gaslighting doesn’t work, Laura quickly apologises to Toyin, stating in her confessional that the only reason she apologised is so the other housewives won’t make fun of her for fighting with her only “real” friend.

Round 3: Carolyna Vs Laura

Laura tries to defend her anger that night by pointing out that Chioma and Carolyna must’ve planned to come for Mariam’s event later because they dressed in dinner clothes while the rest dressed for lunch. Carolyna, who has been quiet this whole time, comes alive and is like:

Laura ignores the comment and seemingly starts backtracking, claiming that the message she sent to the group chat — the one that started this whole thing — wasn’t directed at anybody in particular, which is insane because the message had Carolyna and Chioma’s names in it. Iyabo points this out, and Laura adds that she wasn’t even angry when she sent the message. Let’s read that message again.

The other housewives are like:

Carolyn accuses Laura of always wanting to start drama with her and Chioma because she wants more followers on social media. The reaction shot that follows this should be made into a painting.

Laura says this doesn’t make sense because she has more followers than Chioma and Carolyna combined. And she’s right.

They keep going back and forth while the others watch. Things get heated when Laura threatens to beat up Carolyna’s ass if she ever mentions her sister’s name (Linda). Carolyna is like:

And Laura goes to attack her, but the others hold her back. Carolyn keeps going by accusing Laura of being pimped to a Nigerian politician back in 2017. Laura denies it and jumps at Carolyna, but Mariam, like a rugby player, intercepts her, mistakenly losing her entire blouse and exposing her boobs in the process. (We don’t see it, but Toyin mentions it later.) Carolyn throws a cup of water into Laura’s face, Shangela style, which causes Laura to dash at Carolyna again but is held back by Chioma this time. Mariam is on the floor, clutching what’s left of her blouse to her chest. Some production crew members have to intervene, and it seems like things are calming down. Laura suddenly goes she-hulk on everyone and goes for Carolyna AGAIN. It takes the entire production crew to hold her down this time.

Round 4: Toyin Vs Laura (The Sequel)

Laura composes herself off-camera and announces that she’s leaving. Toyin walks with her to the elevator to make sure she’s ok, but she starts to cry, screaming about how Toyin didn’t stand up for her and claiming that if the roles were reversed, she would’ve done the needful. The episode ends with Laura declaring in her confessional that her friendship with Toyin is over.

The End

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed the Most Insane Mobile Game Ads So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be reviewing the most insane mobile game ads I have ever seen.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

You know what?

I get it

The mobile game ecosystem is harsh. It’s hard to get noticed when thousands of developers worldwide are trying to make the next Among Us or Candy Crush. Even those games I just mentioned aren’t as popular as they used to be. They were hot for like a year or two and eventually went to join once-legendary games like Angry Birds and Subway Surfers in the mobile game afterlife in the recesses of our minds. The need to stand out is also why mobile game developers started lying about their games’ appearance in their ads.

The lies started small. And because I understood their plight, I was willing to overlook these cute little untruths. However, the lies have gotten out of hand. Mobile game developers have started lying about what the hell their games are about. They attack us on every website and social media with ads featuring the wildest plots this side of a Tyler Perry Productions and Wattpad crossover. So, today:

Because I can’t take it anymore.

Here are the most insane mobile game ads I’ve come across.

Let’s get into it

Merge Mansion.

In this video, a sad woman in a wedding dress gets down from a cab. Her dress is drenched, and her mascara is smudged, so it’s clear that this poor lady has been through it. When you think it can’t get worse, Sad Bride Lady (this is what I’m calling her now) turns around to see that her house has burned to the ground. Sad Bride Lady starts bawling her eyes out but is interrupted by a call from her grandma. Grandma gives Sad Bride Lady a house on the condition that Sad Bride Lady renovates the house herself. Sad Bride Lady gets to work and is having a blast serving Bob the Builder realness when Grandma suddenly gets arrested. As she’s being driven away in the police car, Grandma gives an evil smile and sticks her palm to the glass to show Sad Bride Lady a message: He’s still alive.

Who’s still alive?? Sad Bride Lady’s fiancé who left her at the altar? I assumed that he ran off with some other girl. But could Grandma be the reason he never showed up? None of these questions are answered when you play the game because it has no story whatsoever. The entire game play is just Sad Bride Lady cleaning an enormous house.

It’s like The Sims, but for people who like to clean.

If anyone knows the name of this game, please drop it in the comments because WTF??

In this hilariously horrifying clip, a red-haired, heavily pregnant woman is walking down the street when she spots her boyfriend crossing the street hand in hand with another heavily pregnant woman. Before red-haired, heavily pregnant woman can process the fact that her boyfriend has shared his seed with another woman, she gets hit square in the stomach by a football that comes out of nowhere. She falls to the ground crying as her water breaks and forms a pool around her.

Again, WTF?

Project Makeover

Two hot girls are working out at the gym. I’m describing it as working out, but all that’s happening is that one girl is releasing incredibly toxic farts (the fumes are green) into the other girl’s face. Before you have a chance to ask whatever the fuck is going on, the camera pans out to reveal that they’re being watched by an unkempt girl who seems to also has a fart fetish. She longs to join them but knows she can’t until she gets a makeover. So she showers and attempts to look presentable but doesn’t do a great job. She approaches the farting ladies but is told to fuck off with more vitriol than Benita Nzeribe used to tell Rita Dominic that she stinks with poverty in that one old Nollywood clip.

The moral of this story: Always be down for a makeover so you’ll never be turned away from an orgy for being too ugly.

Whispers

These screenshots tell the whole story. The guy in red flannel loves his wife but can’t resist the sheer hotness of his suit-clad boss. After thinking it through for a few seconds, and because body no be firewood, he gives in to the carnal pleasures of the flesh and lets his boss give him a hand job.

It’s a tale as old as time, really.

Tasty Makeovers

This one is just like the ad where a pregnant lady gets hit in the stomach by a football. A pregnant woman, who looks a lot like Britney Spears returns from the grocery store, complete with a baguette and celery sticking out of the brown paper bag, to find her husband doing some Kamasutra sex shit with another woman. The husband is spread out on the dining table while the mistress hangs from the ceiling with Christmas lights on some Cirque du Soleil shit and vacuums his tonsils with her tongue. Pregnant lady has two options: endure or leave, and she leaves and delivers her baby alone in a building with no roof in the middle of a snowstorm.

Let’s end this one that took meta to a whole other level.

Girl, I’m done.

The End

To the developers putting out these insane mobile game ads, maybe your games would do well if you put as much effort into the actual gameplay as you do the fraudulent ads.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Nollywood Movie, “Igodo,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be reviewing the 1999 Nollywood horror- adventure movie, Igodo.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Let’s get into it

The movie starts with a woman giving birth. She’s dressed in potato sack couture and is clearly not having a good time.

As soon as the baby is out of her, her husband runs into the hut, snatches up the bloodied up baby, and runs out!

After brandishing the baby for the rest of the villagers to see…

…he spends all day running up a mountain to dedicate the baby to Amadioha, while the villagers bow and exalt.

The title card and opening credits roll, and when those are done, we’re at a funeral.

As I’m trying to find out if the person being buried is relevant to the plot, something strange happens. Someone else who is not present at this funeral dies, and the movie immediately cuts to that person’s death scene to reveal that the same women who were crying at the funeral at the start of the film are also here, in the same clothes.

I decide here that it’s either one of two things:

• These women are professional mourners hired to cry at funerals and have a uniform.
• They are regular people who return from the funeral of a loved one to discover yet another freshly dead loved one.

Sadly, the second option is the correct one. We find out that a shit ton of people have been dying around the village recently, and no one knows why or who’s next. The village king gathers his elders in his palace to figure out what the fuck is going on.

They’re no closer to solving the mystery after engaging in a circle jerk of proverbs. So they bring in the village Dibia to help them ask Amadioha what’s happening. Amadioha airs the Dibia’s message, so he suggests they bring in a man he thinks would know the origin of the curse wreaking havoc across the village. A man named Igodo.

This guy.

Igodo arrives and begins telling his story, which happened 50 years before the start of the film and is shown to us in an extended flashback. I’ll be narrating Igodo’s story in the present tense.

Igodo’s story begins

The child born and dedicated to Amadioha in the opening scene is named Ihekwumere and is destined to become the Igwe. A group of adults who are jealous of the child decide to kill him and his entire family. They succeed in killing his parents, but he escapes into the evil forest. After several days, a hunter finds Ihekwumere and takes him in as his son. Ihekwmere becomes a rich and handsome nigga who draws all the babes, but this doesn’t sit well with the seven agbaya elders in the town. They have him killed by burying him alive, and he curses the village with his dying breath.

An enormous magic tree grows at the place of his death and becomes the source of the village’s problems. The Dibia figures out what the tree is doing and assembles a team of seven men who are tasked with going through the evil forest to the hills of Amadioha to retrieve the only object capable of cutting down the magic tree: a magic knife. Here are the seven people chosen for this mission.

Now we know why Igodo has all the tea. Also, I get why the hunter, the wrestler, and the warrior are in this lineup, but why are the rest here? The movie never explains.

The Dibia gathers the men — without giving them a choice btw — and gives them a set of rules for when they’re confronted by literally anything in the evil forest.

The men — I’ll refer to as The Fellowship of the Knife — gear up and set off on their task. Their wives, accompanied by the other women in the village, march with them, crying because they believe their husbands are going on a suicide mission.

The fellowship of the knife have just taken a few steps into the evil forest when this happens:

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. That’s why….

The next few scenes are just of the fellowship running into different entities in the forest that try to kill them. While crossing a river, the thicc and juicy river idol tries to drown Izu (the farmer).

But Nwoke (the drummer) saves him. Up next, they come across:

Igodo informs everyone that the only way to avoid the wahala of Ejima is to keep going without looking back or talking. Okonta (the climber) gets spooked and lets out a high-pitched scream, causing Ejima to start firing CGI balls of light into his body. You know what? Just watch what happens.

Shoutout to Egbunna, the hunter for saving Okonta’s life.

They get to a small stream called the river of temptation. As they cross it, Izu hears his father’s voice calling out to him. He turns around, and this happens:

The evil forest is like:

During their first night in the forest, Egbunna (the hunter) hears something moving around their camp and blindly fires at it, thinking it’s a wild animal.

But he shoots Okonta (the climber) by mistake, instantly killing him. The evil forest:

A tribe of flesh-eating forest people attack the fellowship and manage to kill Nwoke (the drummer). The tribe is like:

The evil forest is like:

Meanwhile, people back home are still dying left and right so the people decide to take things into their own hands by attacking the evil magic tree with machetes and shit. As they strike the first blow, the tree starts to bleed.

To their horror, the people find out that the tree binds itself to every sitting king of the village. Any harm that comes to the tree also happens to the king.

They get to a river named the river of silence, a river that they’re supposed to remain silent while crossing. Ikenna (the wrestle) talks for some reason, falls into the river and is immediately eaten by crocodiles. The evil forest is like:

Only Igodo, Agwu (the warrior), and Egbunna (the hunter) are left. They’ve barely made it over the river of silence when they’re attacked by what I can only describe as a human-sized blue and yellow chicken.

After running for a while, they finally arrive at the cave containing the magical knife they seek. The lighting inside this cave is piss poor, and for most of this scene, I can’t see shit. Agwu tries to grab the knife from its resting place but is spiritually electrocuted. A creepy older man steps out of the darkness and introduces himself as the guardian of the knife. He informs the fellowship that one of them has to sacrifice himself to get the knife. After a brief argument, Egbunna volunteers to do it. He steps into a hole in the wall and lets out an agonising scream.

Then silence.

When the sacrifice is made, Igodo and Agwu grab the knife and run away as fast as their animal skin skirts will let them. They run out of water, and Agwu is about to pass out from thirst when his wife sashays out from behind a tree.

Agwu is too delirious to think straight, but Igodo sees this for what it is: the evil forest messing with their minds.

Agwu goes to hug his wife, and this happens:

Igodo returns to the village by himself with the magical knife.

The long ass flashback ends, and we return to the present day where old man Igodo is telling the story.

This part confuses me. Young Igodo returns with the knife, which makes me assume that he went straight to cut the evil magic tree. But in the present, old Igodo tells them to cut the tree if they want their problems to end. Why didn’t they cut the tree back then? Did the killings stop? Anyway, the movie ends with the villagers coming together to cut down the tree.

The End

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The First Two Episodes Of Netflix’s “Blood Sisters” So You Don’t Have To

I will be recapping the 2022 Nigerian Netflix original series, Blood Sisters.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Listen

In total honesty, I went into Blood Sisters on Netflix thinking it would suck. Contrary to what some people believe, I’m not a hater. It’s just that Nollywood has done us dirty so many times that I’ve become disenchanted. I’ve trained myself not to expect good products to avoid having my hopes dashed. So when I started this limited series, I expected more of the same thing they’ve done for years.

Ladies and gentlemen, within a few minutes, I was hooked.

I’m blown away by how good Blood Sisters is. It actually has me on the edge of my seat.

— Ijbolina Lolie (@grandpabbychuck) May 5, 2022

The show had me in such a chokehold that I binged it all in one sitting. I laughed, cried, and gagged all through. I was screaming at my laptop like that one annoying person in the cinema who reacts to everything happening onscreen. Annoyance would’ve driven them to murder me if I were watching this with people. It would’ve been like that scene in Scary Movie where Regina Hall’s character is noisy during a screening of Shakespeare in Love, so the other cinema patrons — led by Gandhi and Mother Theresa — band together to stab her to death.

Don’t ask how this happened. Just enjoy it.

To be clear, I’m not saying that Blood Sisters is perfect. If you pay close attention, a few things are off here and there. But it gets so much right that I can’t bring myself to tackle it the way I do the other movies in this series. So we’re going to do something different today. When I watch a movie to recap for this series, I take notes (random thoughts and questions) about it as I go along. I’m going to put out the random thoughts I had about the first two episodes of Blood Sisters while watching it. If you have any musings about the show, add them in the comments.

Episode 1

• The first scene is of two women hiding a body? It’s giving How To Get Away With Murder tease, and I’m here for it.
• Did Kola spend his entire business meeting working on the drawing of Sarah? That’s low-key rude. If I were one of the other people in that meeting, I’d be pissed.
• Nancy Isime in a bob wig? “What’s your name B.O.B? So they calling you BOB?!”
• Femi (Gabriel Afolayan) and Yinka’s (Kehinde Bankole) dynamic is giving discount “Andre and Anika Lyon from Empire” vibes.
• A small part of me was terrified that this would be a remake of old Nollywood’s Blood Sisters, and I am so happy this it’s not that.
• I’m happy that Daniel Etim Effiong is in this. I like seeing his face.
• This assassin is awful at his job. He’s not even trying to blend in.
• Uche Jumbo is playing Ini-Dima Okojie’s mother? Uche is only 11 years older than Ini-Dima. Why not just cast someone older?
• Wow. Uduak (Kate Henshaw) just dey squeeze face like monkey wey lick lime. Who shit in her oatmeal?

No one:

Kate Henshaw in #BloodSistersNetflix: pic.twitter.com/HehFyTfkKb

— Ijbolina Lolie (@grandpabbychuck) May 5, 2022

• Why does Uduak keep french-kissing her son, Kola? Why is no one else reacting to it?
• Whew. These outfits are giving ELEGANZA EXTRAVAGANZA. Give the costume designer for this movie all the awards.
• Kola left his business meeting, saying he didn’t want to be late for his wedding. This event is an engagement.
• I am also living for these wigs. Throw in some awards, too, for whoever handled hair.
• Ramsey Nouah is in this. Someone should ask him why he spells his last name that way. It’s so confusing, and I have to google every time.
• Timeyin (Genoveva Umeh) just showed up, and I already stan her.
• This assassin could’ve at least worn a native attire. Now Kola has spotted him.
• Lmao. Kola is whooping this assassin’s ass.
• Kola just let the assassin go?!
• Uche Jumbo is acting the house down, but even this pussycat wig isn’t enough to properly age her.
• Uduak is not even pretending to be excited by this engagement.
• The shoulders of Uduak’s wedding attire are giving Voltron realness.
• Kemi (Nancy Isime) chopped that head clean off. She’s hardcore. I want to hang out with her.
• Where did Sarah and Kemi get housekeeping uniforms?
• It’s funny that the security man who stops the girls as they’re moving Kola’s body says that the bride looks seems like a woman that emasculates men for fun but can’t even recognise her. Nawa.
• Why was the photographer hanging out in the parking lot?
• They decided to bury Kola in the middle of a construction site?! GIRL!

Episode 2

• Not Uduak throwing Sarah out of the house! Skshsksndk
• Uduak never passes up a chance to call people poor. I love it.
• Why is Timeyin always dressed like…this?
• Sarah hasn’t stopped sweating since the murder happened. I feel so bad for her.
• Timeyin giving it to Femi hot hot and I love it.
• The way I laughed when Uduak called Timeyin a useless addict who will always find her way to drugs has definitely earned me a one way ticket to hell.

The way I screamed 🤣🤣🤣 #BloodSistersNetflix pic.twitter.com/1Nhs637BHg

— Ijbolina Lolie (@grandpabbychuck) May 5, 2022

• I love that Kemi is finding the time to serve lewks in the middle of all this.
• What is the point of this sex scene between Femi and Yinka?
• What in the world is going on with Inspector Slo’s (Wale Ojo) accent?
• Yinka trying to bribe Timeyin with a buffet of drugs is truly the most evil thing I have ever seen.
• Uduak’s outfits are becoming more unhinged as the show goes on, and hunty, I am living.
• The suit that Kemi wears to go ask Ibrahim (Eso Dike Okolocha) for a gun is so fucking fabulous.
• While we’re kinda on his matter, why does Ibrahim sound like Jennifer Tilly?
• You know what? I, too, would run over the photographer. He’s annoying as shit, and I don’t feel bad for him.
• I don’t understand why Kenny is still doing gun body for Sarah. Something tells me he’ll get in trouble for not staying away.
• Another Femi and Yinka sex scene?!
• Now that Kola’s body has been found, how is Femi going to explain that he was lying when he said he’d been hearing from Kola?
• I must be a horrible person because the scream of despair Uduak lets out after finding out about Kola’s death made me giggle.
• The scene where Inspector Slo talks about working with the Chicago PD for twenty years is funny but it still doesn’t explain why his accent is inconsistent.
• Everybody needs a friend like Kemi tbh. She’s so resourceful and street smart.
• I need a friend like Kemi. I would not last two seconds in a scenario like this.
• Uncle B (Ramsey Nouah) still hasn’t said a word.
• This scene where Kemi and Sarah plan to run away together is so damn touching. Nancy Isime and Ini-Dima Okojie are acting the house down.
• The car Uncle B drives is cool and all but the whole idea of tailing someone is to be inconspicuous. Not only is his car so unique, but it’s also now light blue. Sksnzkdndk!

The End

Blood Sisters isn’t perfect but it’s a damn fun ride and upgrade from most of the stuff Nollywood has served us recently. It’s on Netflix. Go check it out.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Erotic Thriller, “365 Days: This Day,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be recapping the 2022 erotic thriller, 365 Days: This Day.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

This wildly imperfect cinema masterpiece is the sequel to the equally awful 2020 film, 365 Days. If you haven’t seen that, click here to read my recap of it before you start reading this. Or read this first and experience everything in reverse. Don’t let me tell you what to do.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Movie ‘365 Days’ So You Don’t Have To

Before we start, let’s all join hands and gaze upon this movie’s Rotten Tomato rating.

TRULY ICONIQUE!

Let’s get into it

Surprise! Even though it looked like she died at the end of the last movie in a Princess Diana style assassination attempt orchestrated by Massimo’s enemies, Laura is alive and well. How? The film doesn’t care about explaining, so I don’t care either. The movie starts with what looks like Massimo and Laura’s wedding. Massimo is wearing a black tuxedo, and Laura is in a wedding dress and the most unconvincing wig I’ve ever seen.

It’s all love and fun as we’re shown a close-up montage of the love birds kissing and hugging. Then out of nowhere, Massimo hoists up Laura’s wedding dress and they start furiously bumping genitals.

Now, I’m well aware of what goes on in this franchise so I expected more sex scenes than Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge. What I did not expect, though, was to see them having sex on their wedding day in front of their friends and family. So I’m sitting in front of my laptop, clutching my non-existent pearls like:

When a woman suddenly screams. I know it’s not Laura screaming in ecstacy because they haven’t even been fucking for long. The camera pans out to reveal that Massimo and Laura have been alone this entire time. It’s their wedding rehearsal dinner, and the scream we just heard is from Laura’s best friend and maid of honour, Olga, who’s just mistakenly walked in on them while innocently bringing Laura a variety of potential wedding night lingerie.

Massimo and Laura get married for real in the next scene, surrounded by their friends (?) and family (??), and it’s all super cute. When they get home that night, Massimo looks deep into Laura’s eyes and says:

But Laura is like:

She ties him to a chair and proceeds to masturbate in front of him.

As I’m wondering if Massimo had something more erotic planned and is probably disappointed by this, the camera cuts to a closeup of his face, and I stop wondering because he’s clearly having the time of his life.

When he can’t take it anymore, he breaks free from the chair, tackles Laura to the bed, and they both engage in a genital meet & greet.

And so begins their honeymoon, which mostly consists of them having sex every minute of every day. Here they are having sex the next morning:

Here they are about to have sex on a golf course:

Here they having sex in a jacuzzi:

And here they are having sex in the pool:

When the honeymoon ends, they return to the real world, and Laura soon realises that Massimo hasn’t changed. He’s overprotective and refuses to let her go anywhere or do anything without bodyguards. To avoid her nagging, Massimo sends her and Olga on a vacation. While they’re there, Laura says something about feeling bad for Massimo because he’s always working (i.e. doing mafia stuff) and all she does is eat his money. Olga is like:

You know what Laura decides to give him?

You guessed it. SEX.

Money, clothes, fast cars, and vacations aren’t enough to quell Laura’s desire for independence. She once again asks Massimo to:

And Massimo is like:

Because she almost died in a car bombing, he must make sure that she’s always safe. Laura gives up and lounges in her enormous garden when a hot ass gardener sashays into the movie’s plot. He introduces himself as Nacho — I die laughing because NACHO?! — and is sexy as hell. Seriously, his introduction montage has strong photoshoot-before-the-porn-scene energy. He flirts heavily with her…

…and she caves immediately because Nacho is a stunner.

Christmas comes along, and Massimo admits that he was wrong for being overprotective. He gives Laura a clothing line because he knows she likes fashion, and Laura is over the moon. She says she’ll give him something he’ll never forget as a thank you. If you’ve been paying attention, you already know what that is.

A few weeks later, Laura is at a party with Massimo when he suddenly disappears. She goes looking for him and catches him having a quickie with his ex-girlfriend, Anna.

Laura is distraught. She runs out of the party and comes across Nacho, asking that he get her out of there. After driving the whole night (the party is happening at night and it’s morning by the time they stop driving), Laura says she wants to leave Massimo and never come back. Nacho seizes the opportunity and is like:

You would think that after being kidnapped in the first movie, Laura would know not to go off with strange men. But she’s like:

While Massimo is sad that Laura has gone MIA, she’s busy living it up on a beach with Nacho.

As all this happening, I’m wondering how a gardener is able to afford a beach house. I mean, look at this:

It’s randomly revealed that the person we saw having sex with Anna at the party wasn’t Massimo, but MASSIMO’S TWIN BROTHER, ADRIANO! Adriano has been working with Massimo’s ex-girlfriend, Anna. They planned to get Laura on her own that night and kidnap her, but Nacho just happened to show up (?) Anyway, Adriano is doing all this because he’s jealous that their father left the family’s empire to Massimo and not him.

Shonda Rhimes was found dead on the set of “How To Get Away With Murder.”

Laura is starting to catch feelings for Nacho. As she’s having a sex dream about him one night, someone breaks into the house, but Nacho knocks the person out. When Laura asks how he can afford a beach house on a gardener’s salary, Nacho mumbles something about a wealthy father and distracts her with his hotness. He later reveals that he’s the son of a mafia family that’s the rival of Massimo’s. Laura is pissed.

Nacho reveals that he worked for Massimo as a gardener so he could kidnap her for his father. His father plans to use her as a bargaining chip to get Massimo to step down as the leader of his mafia family.

See ehn, I’m as confused as you are by all this.

Nacho’s father summons Massimo to tell him all this, and in the middle of the meeting, they all realise that Laura, who Nacho brought with him and handed to his father’s bodyguards, is somehow missing. Massimo and Nacho go looking and find Laura with Adriano and Anna. After spitting exposition everywhere, we get the funniest Mexican standoff in the history of film. Anna shoots Laura in the stomach.

So Nacho shoots Anna square in the boobs.

Adriano attempts to shoot Massimo but Massimo pumps bullets into Adriano’s shoulders.

Nacho briefly considers shooting Massimo in the face but decides against it and leaves. And so the movie ends, with a crane shot of Massimo crying with Laura in his arms.

Here’s the thing, though. I know Laura isn’t dead. How do I know this? Because the third movie in the franchise is coming in a few years. Yes, we’re getting another one!

The End

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Nollywood Movie, “The Man of God,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be recapping the 2022 Nollywood movie, The Man of God.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Based on screen time, one of the people on this poster shouldn’t be here. By the end of this, you’ll be able to tell who.

The movie starts at an unspecific point in history, during a church service. Josiah Obalolu (Jude Chukwuma), a pastor, is preaching in front of his congregation, and it looks like everyone in the audience is feeling the holy spirit.

Well, not everyone, sha. The pastor’s son, Samuel, isn’t moved by all the things going on around him.

At some point, Samuel goes outside to play with his homies. When his father notices Samuel’s absence, he goes looking for him, finds him outside playing, and is pissed.

It’s made clear that the pastor is physically and verbally abusive towards Samuel and that these beatings are frequent. After one of such beatings, Samuel reveals to his mother that one day, he’s going to leave them and never return, also promising to leave religion behind. Years later, Samuel (Akah Nnani) has seemingly done this. He has gone off to university and is now the quintessential Nollywood bad boy, who does shady things like sell drugs for money. He also moonlights as discount Fela Kuti in his free time.

After his performance, Samuel meets his friend, Teju (Osas Ighodaro), who he’s known since childhood. She’s come to give him the handout for a lecture he missed, and it’s through her we find out that Samuel has a ton of carryovers because he dedicates all his time to his musical gigs. At some point in the conversation, Teju says, “You owe me 30 bucks for that printout,” and this makes my head jam. Because look at the printout she’s referring to:

That’s a lot of pages for N30. This immediately has me wondering when exactly this movie is taking place. A bulky handout like that could only be N30 in the 2000s, but nothing about what they (or the extras in the back) are wearing indicates that. I’m confused as shit, so I put out this message on Instagram and keep watching.

Actual photo of me watching the movie on the 18th of April 2022.

Samuel receives a letter from his mother begging him to come home but he ignores it. Teju is a church girl and has been trying to get Samuel to come to her fellowship for years. So they come to an agreement that if she attends one of his shows, he’ll go for her fellowship. She attends his next show with her friend from church, Joy (Atlanta Bridget Johnson), who Samuel is immediately smitten with.

But she’s like:

Before Samuel can say more, his girlfriend, backup singer, and fellow drug dealer, Rekya (Dorcas Shola Fapson), notices what’s going on and forces them to leave. Samuel becomes obsessed with Joy and tries to get Teju to give him her room number — not her phone number oh, room number — but this pisses Teju off for some reason, causing her to storm off. While driving one day, he sees Joy taking a stroll and is like:

Can my fellow Barbie Girl fans in the house make some FUCKING NOISE?!!

After driving around for a while and actually clicking, Samuel expresses that he has feelings for her but she doesn’t give an answer. When he notices how uncomfortable she is, he says they can start off as friends, and she agrees. They start hanging out more and he joins her fellowship, which makes her fall for him hard.

Inappropriate because he has a girlfriend he’s cheating on.

It’s revealed that Teju has harboured a secret crush on Samuel for years and is heartbroken by his and Joy’s union, so she vanishes from their lives and the plot of the movie.

Meanwhile, members of Joy’s fellowship don’t like that she’s hanging out and possibly bumping genitals with a bad boy. So they send one of their own, Pastor BJ (Prince Enwerem) to tell her that:

Pastor BJ also reveals that Samuel is the son of the now famous Prophet Josiah Obalolu, which, for some reason, upsets Joy so much that she breaks up with Samuel for not telling her about who he really is. Samuel is distraught. He follows her around campus like a lost dog for days and keeps leaving letters under her door until she caves and starts dating him again. They reunite in front of the school’s library.

Rekya informs Samuel that she has dropped out of school and bought a house in town with all the money from her recent drug deals. She also drops this bombshell:

Let’s pause for a second.

Rekya mentions earlier in the movie that the drug deal she’s embarking on will make her at least N1 million. This brings me back to the question of what time period this movie takes place. Tell me how she was able to buy a house with N1 million. In what economy???

My Instagram story from the 18th of April 2022.

Here’s the TV I’m talking about:

Again I ask, WHERE IN TIME IS THIS MOVIE HAPPENING?!

Rekya japas and disappears from the movie’s plot. A few weeks later, Samuel starts to sense a disconnect between him and Joy. He talks to her about it but she says it’s because she’s been studying for their final exams, something he isn’t doing because he knows he’s going to have an extra year. She assures him that nothing will ever come between them. But at Joy’s graduation party, Pastor BJ introduces her to a fine ass guest pastor named Zach (Mawuli Gavor) and Samuel can tell that something is off.

And he’s right. Immediately after Joy graduates, Samuel stops hearing from her. After four months of trying to find out what happened, Pastor BJ informs Samuel that Joy is now married to — wait for it — PASTOR ZACH. Samuel understandably loses his shit and falls into a deep depression. With both Rekya and Joy gone from the movie, Teju sashays back into the plot and nurses Samuel back to health.

An unspecified number of years later, Samuel and Teju are married and workers at a church headed by Pastor and Mrs Asuquo (Patrick Doyle and Eucharia Anunobi). Samuel hates working at the church because Pastor Mrs is always on his neck about one thing or the other. Pastor Mrs calls for a worker’s meeting after church one day and says that she’s heard rumours of him sleeping with random young girls in the church. Samuel denies it but Teju doesn’t believe him and is like:

Samuel says that if she, his wife, can’t trust him, then their marriage is a mistake. Teju, who doesn’t want to lose the man she’s always wanted, breaks down and begs for forgiveness. She later finds out that Samuel did get a girl in the church pregnant when the girl sends the abortion receipts (?) to their house (and later dies). Teju says and does nothing.

Rekya returns to the movie. She’s rich as fuck now because she’s upped her game from smuggling drugs to something else she refuses to talk about. She encourages Samuel to start a church because church business is big business, and he takes her advice, lying to Teju that God ordered him to start a church.

In no time, they too become rich AF Daddy and Mummy GO. Their church grows so big that ZACH and JOY attend one day, not knowing that Samuel is the pastor. Samuel takes this opportunity to be petty as hell.

Samuel also tries to convince Joy to get back with him.

Samuel’s younger brother, a character who has never been mentioned or shown until now, shows up at Samuel’s house one day to read him for filth because their mother has died of a broken heart.

The insult from his brother makes Samuel decide that he wants to escape to Canada to start a new life. He invests in Rekya’s mystery business so he can cash out and japa, leaving Teju behind. Teju finds out and confronts him which leads to him saying something along the lines of:

Teju is fucking livid.

And she proceeds to do just that.

Samuel gets a phone from the police saying that Rekya is dead (they don’t specify how) and that the mystery business she was involved in is organ trafficking, with his name coming up as one of her contacts. He denies that he’s spoken to her recently, but Teju glams up just to go expose him to the police. He gets arrested, and after an unspecified number of years, returns from prison to his father’s church wearing the most unconvincing head and beard wig combo I’ve ever seen.

My Instagram story from the 18th of April 2022, when I was done watching the movie.

If you expected this to be a story about a guy going out into the world and working through the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father as a child but got served a weird prodigal’s son tale instead, join the club. We’ve got biscuits and tea in the back.

I have questions

• Are we not just going to address his father’s abuse?
• Why is Mawuli Gavor on the movie’s poster? He’s literally in only three scenes and each one is like 10 seconds long.
• What time period is the movie set in?
• What happened to Teju? She knew about Samuel’s shady dealings and did nothing, which kinda makes her an accomplice.
• How did Rekya die?
• Did Joy meet and marry Zach in the space of 4 months?
• Why did Joy do Samuel dirty like that?
• What time period is the movie set in?
• Where was Samuel’s younger brother the entire time?
• At some point in the movie, Samuel’s mother says she’s going to Lagos to look for him. Did she ever go?
• What was the point of having the girl Samuel impregnated die after the botched abortion?
• What was the point of having the impregnated girl’s sister go to the police?
• What time period is the movie set in?
• Why didn’t Rekya care that Samuel was publicly cheating on her with Joy?
• How long was Samuel in prison that his brother and father still looked the same when he got out?
• WHAT TIME PERIOD IS THE MOVIE SET IN?!

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the 2006 Nollywood Movie, “Girl’s Cot,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be recapping the 2006 Nollywood crime heist (?) movie, Girl’s Cot.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

I know that this was 2006 but these Darling Yaki wigs are sending me!

Before we begin, I need you all to know that the director of Girl’s Cot, Afam Okereke, is also responsible for Beyonce & Rihanna and White Hunters. Do whatever you want with that information.

The movie starts with a thrilling car chase on the traffic-free roads of Abuja. Four girls dressed in shake & go wigs and insane early 2000s fashions are in an SUV being pursued by the police.

The girls drive into the compound of a lavish-looking mansion and lock the gate before the police can catch up to them. When the police van gets to the house, the detective present orders the policemen to storm the house and arrest the girls but the men are like, “Lol. No.” The detective asks:

And the men are like:

As the policemen are discussing where on the bad bitch scale the girls are, the girls emerge from the house to taunt the policemen…

…before going back in. The policemen are just there like:

I find all this incredibly amusing but I’m also confused as to what the hell is going on. As if on cue, the movie cuts to a flashback to explain how this group of girls came to be. Alicia (Rita Dominic) is a university student who is poor as shit. She gets into sex work but keeps getting screwed over by customers (literally and figuratively) who fuck and run without paying.

Alicia is chilling on her street corner one night when she meets Eve (Ini Edo). Eve gives Alicia some money and invites Alicia to come to live with her in her dorm room. Alicia gets to Eve’s dorm room and meets Eve’s roommate, Bella (Uche Jombo Rodriguez), who immediately expresses intense dislike for Alicia.

Alicia’s determination to become a happening babe on campus is what gives us what has become the most iconic Nollywood scene of all time. A group of popular campus babes are going to a party. Alicia sees them as they’re on their way and asks if she can go with them. You know what? You need to watch this scene yourself if you haven’t already.

The popular girls storm off and Alicia is left standing there like:

Eve, Alicia, and Bella are in their dorm room one day when a girl named Queen (Genevieve Nnaji) sashays in and says she was assigned to that room by the school. Bella tries to tell her off because they’re already three in the room but Queen subtly tells Bella to fuck off to hell.

Queen says that her father is the vice president of Nigeria but begs the girls not to tell anyone so she doesn’t draw unnecessary attention. When they ask the obvious question:

Queen says that she wants to feel what it’s like to live like the common man. Eve welcomes Queen with open arms and later tries to steal her shoes.

But gets caught in the act by Queen.

Eve is terrified that Queen will expose her but for some reason, Queen has no problems with being robbed. She even gives Eve a few of her shoes. Eve has no idea what to make of this behaviour but is happy to not be exposed as a thief.

Alicia and Bella are by themselves in the room one afternoon when Alicia catches Bella doing this:

After a few minutes of heavy flirting, Alicia reveals that she too is about that life and is like:

Since they’re both alone in the room, they proceed to bump genitals.

This storyline is weird and came out of nowhere but let’s see where they’ll go with it sha.

A few days later, Queen invites the girls to a party that’ll be attended by the top politicians in the country. The girls are about to turn down the invitation because they have nothing fancy to wear when Queen offers to buy clothes for all of them. They excitedly accept her offer and have the time of their lives at the party. At school the next day, they’re all bragging about the money they made from the men they met when Queen is like:

The girls are gagged and not in a good way. They start to argue but Queen shuts them up with the reminder that she spent a lot so they could attend the party. She also points out that her connections helped them make all that money and if they don’t give her what she’s asking, they’ll never have access to those rich men again. Defeated, the girls acquiesce to her demands, and she officially becomes their pimp.

Queen is walking across campus one day when a random student runs up to her and says this:

Queen is confused as to why the cultists would do this when the guy informs her that it’s because her secret is out. The whole school now knows that her father is the Vice President. Queen quickly moves out of the hostel and into a lavish-looking mansion in town; the same one the girls drive into in the movie’s opening scene. She invites the other girls to move in with her and they happily agree.

After going on a ₦1.6 million shopping spree, Queen gathers the girls and says:

Queen proposes that they become professional blackmailers for a living. The rest of the girls are apprehensive about doing this, probably because they’ve seen the 1996 action thriller, Set It Off, and don’t like how that movie ended for the protagonists, but Queen points out the skills they possess that’ll ensure their success.

After the pep talk from Queen, the girls agree.

Their jobs are simple. Queen and Eve bring the rich and powerful men they’re dating to the house.

Alicia comes in and seduces them.

The girls secretly make a video of the sexual encounter and then blackmail the men with it.

This movie clearly takes place in an alternate universe where a Nigerian politician’s career can actually be affected by something like a sex tape. Let’s just go along with it.

When a few of the politicians they’ve blackmailed report them to the police, they get Bella to sleep with the Inspector General of Police and blackmail him so he’ll make sure they’re untouchable.

And with this, the long-ass flashback ends and we end up where the movie began. Queen and the girls had just stolen a shit ton of pure gold from one of their victims and that’s why they were being chased by the police. They’re a menace. All of Abuja knows about their antics but no one can do anything about it.

Meanwhile, Alicia and Bella are having relationship drama. Alicia suggested that they elope to another country so they can get married and live openly but Bella is like, “Fuck no” because she wants to marry a man and have kids. Alicia feels like she’s been deceived and is constantly pissed but can’t explain to Queen or Eve why because her and Bella’s relationship is still a secret.

The movie gets super messy from here. Alicia finds out that Bella has a secret fiancé and sleeps with him to get back at her. Bella is pissed by this and moves out of the house. It’s revealed that Queen has a serious boyfriend who she genuinely loves. It’s also revealed that he’s been cheating on her with Eve.

The Inspector-General wants to do the right thing but doesn’t want his life ruined so he quits his job and flees. All the girls are arrested. The Vice President FINALLY shows up and reveals that Queen is indeed his daughter but from an illegitimate relationship. Queen accepts that she’s going to prison for life for her crimes but not before releasing an audio clip of the Vice President threatening to kill her and get rid of her body. Things end badly for everybody.

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed the Wigs in “Young, Famous & African” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be reviewing the insane wigs on the Netflix reality show, Young, Famous & African.

To quote the iconic SNL character, Stefan, Netflix’s new reality series, Young, Famous & African, has EVERYTHING.

• Attractive people
• Hot mess
• Insane outfits
• Boss ladies
• Pointless drama
• Themed-parties
• Extravagant displays of affluence
• An incredibly disturbing relationship that the producers decided to make the main storyline of the show because they knew it would get people talking.

But that’s not what we’re here to talk about. If you want to experience these things for yourself, go watch the show. It’s streaming on Netflix. Get your entire life.

What we’re here to discuss today are the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad wigs on the show. Specifically, the wigs that made an appearance on the head of cast member, Khanyi Mbau.

Khanyi’s wigs need to be talked about, and I volunteer to talk about them. pic.twitter.com/iIc2EFFeGp

— Ijbolina Lolie (@grandpabbychuck) March 22, 2022

Now, I love Khanyi. She’s my favourite member of the cast because she gave everything a reality show start is supposed to give.But you you know what she gave that we didn’t want? Thise wigs. It’s clear that her hair and makeup people hate and don’t mean her well. You want proof? Keep reading.

This wig isn’t awful but it does look like a hairy beret, and that bothers me.

This wig looks like cold Indomie.

The bangs on this wig are in distress.

This wig looks like it was laid with engine oil.

READ: If You’ve Watched “Young, Famous & African,” These Memes Will Crack You Up

This wig looks like a refurbished Karen wig.

This is a mop moonlighting as a wig.

This is Halle Berry’s wig from X-Men 1.

This wig looks like it tried to be Angela Bassett’s wig from Black Panther but failed.

This is Halle Berry’s wig from X-Men 3: The Last Stand.

This wig is a small forest rodent. That’s why it was trying to flee her head in this scene.

Another X-Men wig?! THIS is Famke Janssen’s lace front from X-Men 3: The Last Stand!

This wig is a hat.

Last and the absolute worst

This one greatly upset me and my homegirls because not only was she sitting in the midst of friends and behind-the-scenes crew members of the show, she was also sitting next to her boyfriend, and NONE of them could tao her and say, “Hunty, your wig is trying to escape. Please, hold it down.”

Nawa.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “Domitilla,” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

If you’re here for the backstory as to why the slap happened, you’ve missed road. I’m here to tell my version of events.

17th of March, 2022.

The time is 11 am and because Nigeria is hell, I don’t have power. I’m hard at work pretending to like my neighbour so she can let me charge her devices in her house, after a lot of small talk, I succeed. As I settle down to work, I see it; the tweet that’s going to send me down the rabbit hole.

My first reaction to this news is this:

https://t.co/YtFUlSfRbC pic.twitter.com/Z8YdaATh1e

— carabiner scissorly (@grandpabbychuck) March 17, 2022

So I went and found out the tea.

*insert law and order sound*

It’s a hot summer’s (?) day. Chukwuma Soludo’s inauguration as the new governor of Anambra state is ongoing, and it’s as boring as you can imagine. A bunch of old people take turns at a podium reading speeches even they don’t give a shit about. All the people present are praying for the event to end so they can get back to whatever it is Nigerian politicians do when Ebelechukwu Obiano, the wife of the outgoing governor of Anambra (Wille Obiano) spots her archnemesis, Bianca Ojukwu, sitting across from her and decides to inject some much-needed excitement into the event’s proceedings.

This lady

Ebelechuckwu gets up from her seat and swings her arms dramatically as she sashays across the inauguration venue towards Bianca Ojukwu, wife of the late Emeka Odumegwu-Ojukwu. With the insane sleeves of her pink frilly dress billowing in the wind, Ebelechukwu isn’t moving with the body language of a person with violence on her mind so what happens next shocks everyone.

And with that, Bianca gracefully stands up and slaps Ebelechuckwu across the face so hard, it shifts Ebelechuckwu’s wig to the middle of her head.

The slap is thunderous. Legend has it that if you listen hard enough, you can still hear the innocent onlookers scream:

Ebelechukwu tries to retaliate with a slap of her own but doesn’t get the chance. Security agents have already gotten in between them. When Ebelechukwu thinks about how she has brought about her own embarrassment on national TV, creating a shameful moment that will live on the internet forever — a moment that wouldn’t have happened if she had just sat down and eaten her food, she is FUCKING FURIOUS. What she does next is probably all she can think of to save face. Across the sea of people between them, she looks at Bianca and yells:

Lol.

The cast of the Real Housewives of Lagos better be taking notes. This is the type of chaos we expect from them.

RECOMMENDED: I Compiled The Worst #IWD 2022 Messages From Nigerian Brands So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be putting together a list of the worst International Women’s Day 2022 celebratory messages from Nigerian brands.

It’s that time of year again, when we as Nigerians on the internet put our differences aside and come together to drag all the Nigerians brands who put out unintentionally hilarious and mildly offensive International Women’s Day messages in failed attempts to be witty. Without foda ado, let’s…Fisayo Fosudo’s lawyers just broke down my door and are waving a cease & desist! skdhsjkhdjkhfk…!

ALAT

On the morning of International Women’s Day 2022, ALAT hit us with this; a video of a WhatsApp chat going on between two people. An unnamed person texts someone named Chris and after exchanging rushed pleasantries, the unnamed person asks Chris for a literal urgent 2k, adding, “Expecting something hooge soon.” Because this is totally how real people talk in private conversations and not a brand trying to pander to potential customers using currently popular slang. Chris is like, “Ugh. Whatever. Send your details” and then the camera pans up to reveal Chris’ full name.

Christie.

Because she’s a girl, and this entire thing has been a conversation between two girls (?) I don’t even know at this point.

The video ends with a shot of this message:

Do you get it? Because I sure as hell don’t. Please explain in the comments if you do.

First Bank

Everything that could go wrong with this message went wrong. First of all, they somehow found a way to put men front and center on International Women’s Day. Then there’s the #He4She hashtag, which reads like a dated insult probably directed Bobrisky that you’d find in the comment section of a gossip blog on Instagram. Then there’s the guy in the last picture, who was clearly about to hit a mean gbese just as his picture was taken.

My favourite part of First Bank’s message, though, is this reply that the social media manager tried to hide but only succeeded in drawing more attention to:

If you’re the person behind that Twitter account and you’re reading this, please DM me and tell me why you think this. Please tell me so I can find peace.

MeristemNG

Girl, what even is this supposed to mean? “A lion is as productive as she is fierce. Like a woman”? I feel like whoever came up with this has watched a little too much America’s Next Top Model or RuPaul’s Drag Race, because all the elements in this (the airbrushing, the lipstick art, the confusing message) make it look a challenge from either one of those shows gone terribly wrong.

Hypo

This one kills me because Hypo did not need to do this. They didn’t need to do anything at all. Have you ever heard anyone go, “Hmmm. Why didn’t Hypo put out an International Women’s Day message?” No, you haven’t. Because they constantly fly under the radar. That’s why it’s so funny that they chose this day of all days to pull an Icarus and fly headfirst into the sun. Wo for what? Wonderful.

REDWOI.F 

LMAO. I’m not even touching this one.

Wema

This image looks innocent enough, right? Well, when you zoom in on the card in her hand, you see this:

The name on the card says Emeka Ibrahim Adekunle.

Many people understandably took this to mean that the folks at Wema think that ‘women breaking the bias’ means having men foot the bill for everything so intense dragging commenced. A few hours later, Wema responded to the controversy with this:

The public’s reaction to this can summed up with the following GIF:

And I get it. Because shalaye’ing like this just makes things worse.

Honestly, I think more brands should learn from Sterling Bank, who decided to keep it short and cute by posting this:

The folks at Sterling said, “Alexa. Play ‘No More Drama’ by Mary J. Blige.”

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Old Nollywood Movie, “The President Must Not Die”, So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be recapping the old Nollywood movie, The President Must Not Die.

The movie starts with the most incredibly early 2000s party I’ve ever seen. The party spot is dimly lit, and that can be seen are the outlines of bodies furiously grinding against each other along to jams by long-forgotten one-hit wonders.

All I can think about when watching this is how hot the space must be, and I’m proven right when a woman named Rachel, dressed in a tube top and bell-bottom jeans, emerges from the party looking exhausted and sweaty as hell.

Rachel is about to get in her car when she gets verbally harassed by two men. One of them says something about how offended he is that he tried to dance with her at the party but she turned him down. He starts to insult her when she counters his insult with a dirty slap.

The guys get angry and make to physically attack her but she beats the shit out of them using Nollywood style kung fu.

The men run away after getting their asses kicked. The movie cuts to a news broadcast discussing a longstanding beef between the president and vice president, which is insane but this is also Nigeria and weirder things have happened. The president is shown giving a speech at an event in the ugliest agbada I’ve ever seen.

When he’s done with this speech and tries to leave, a man wearing a giant jacket grabs the president. The president’s security is set to attack when the man in the giant jacket tells everyone to lower their weapons because he has a bomb strapped to his chest and will blow everyone to smithereens if they try shit. He opens his giant jacket and reveals what is supposed to be a bomb but really looks like eight sausages inserted into a utility belt.

Two hours after the president gets kidnapped, the kidnappers haven’t reached out with their demands. The vice president is shook and gathers the country’s top security heads in a conference room so he can yell at them.

The president’s wife storms into the office in a million braid wig and immediately starts screaming at the vice president to return her husband. You see, she believes the vice president has something to do with her husband’s abduction because of the beef he and her husband have.

The man in the giant jacket calls the president’s wife from a disconnected landline and says:

He gives her 24 hours to come up with the money before hanging up. The man in the giant jacket does his best to intimidate the president…

…but the president legit doesn’t give a damn…

…and asks to speak to his wife on the phone. Meanwhile, the president’s wife is losing her shit and calls a retired army general for help. The general is confused but she insists that her husband told her that if anything ever happened to him, she was to call the general. The man in the giant jacket calls again and the general attempts to track the location of the caller with a Windows 95 suite.

Tracking the origin of the phone call doesn’t work, and the general suddenly decides that rescuing the president is a job for his secret elite squad of perpetually angry female agents.

Discount Charlie’s Angels, if you will.

Kemi

Lisa

And Rachel (the kung fu lady from the movie’s opening scene).

The general gathers the three ladies to brief them on their mission when the man in the giant jacket calls again to inform the president’s wife of the drop-off point. All three actions ladies (this is what I’m calling them from now on) go with the president’s wife to the drop-off point, which causes an unintentionally hilarious shootout.

After like a minute of this, the kidnappers escape in their car but not before the action ladies manage to fire a tracking device onto their car. Take a look at what we’re shown when they fire the tracking device and tell me this wasn’t taken straight out of James Bond 007: From Russia with Love on PS2.

The man in the giant jacket and his accomplices get back to their base only to find out that the bag is full of blank papers. Fucking furious, he slams the president against a wall and raises the ransom money to $120 million as punishment for them attempting to fuck with him.

At that moment, a mysterious figure sashays into the hideout and is revealed to be one of the president’s top security chiefs. It turns out that this security chief hired the man in the giant jacket to orchestrate all this. However, the top security chief is mad because the man in the giant jacket is going against the original plans of just kidnapping and killing the president.

But the man in the giant jacket is like:

The president witnesses this interaction and realises that the man in the giant jacket was never going to let him live.

While all this is happening, the actions ladies find the kidnapper’s hideout and take out all the guards in cheesy ways, like this:

The action ladies storm the warehouse and a shootout ensues. Here’s an action sequence that takes place during the shootout:

Homegirl in the pink jumpsuit is lucky she didn’t get hit by a stray bullet while doing all that.

After a few more minutes of unintentionally hilarious kung fu hijinks (including a scene where one of the action ladies gets punched square in the right boob), it comes down to a fistfight between Rachel — the head action girl — and the man in the giant jacket. Rachel kicks his ass and kills him by impaling him on a rusty ass spike.

Just when you think the movie’s about to end, the man in the giant jacket somehow un-impales himself quietly, picks up two swords(?) and attempts to kill the president.

So the president and all the action ladies fill him up with bullets.

And all is well in Aso Rock.

Well, except for the top security agent who hired the man in the giant jacket to do all this. He realises that he’ll be going to prison for the rest of his life when it’s revealed that he was behind it. So he climbs into his car and shoots himself in the face.

Recommended: I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “Domitilla,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be recapping the 1996 Nollywood drama, Domitilla.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

The movie starts with a group of sex workers — Judith (Sandra Achums), Anita (Ada Ameh), and Jenny (Kate Henshaw) — manning their street corner. You can tell that the night is just starting and these fabulous mistresses of the night are getting ready for customers to come to buy their work. The movie’s protagonist, Domitilla (Ann Njemanze) arrives. Her friends are excited to see her and express this exactly how you’d expect late 90s Nollywood prostitutes to.

In the 1990s, these outfits must’ve been scandalous enough to get one branded with a scarlet A and stoned to death in the market square. Now, this is just Christ Embassy choir couture.

They stand around for a while, complaining about a scarcity of customers when a guy that looks a lot like Grace Jones shows up looking for a fun time. After sizing up the ladies with his eyes, he settles on Anita, and the following conversation takes place between them:

Ok. That part was all me. Here’s what they really said:

And just like that, discount Grace Jones takes Anita home for the night. Not long after, Domitilla gets a client and is also whisked away. It’s revealed in the next scene that Domitilla is the only one out of the group who has a day job. Due to her overnight commitments, she gets to work late the next morning, causing her boss, discount Papa Ajasco, to yell at her.

Domitilla meets a hot and rich guy named John (Charles Okafor). One day, John comes to visit her at the tiny ass apartment that she shares with the other girls. While they’re chilling in the living room, Anita runs in barefoot and is barely clothed. She’s clearly just got back from servicing a client and is about to blab about it but Domitilla doesn’t want John to know about their true profession because she really likes him. So this happens:

Domitilla and John are out one night having a drink…

…when they run into one of John’s friends. The friend pulls John to a private corner of the bar they’re in and says:

John is already falling for Domitilla so he’s in denial for a bit but the friend is like:

John returns to the table and the following conversation takes place.

At her day job the next day, Domitilla complains to her colleague, Pat, about how all her money goes into taking care of her sick father. Pat feels bad for Domitilla and invites her to a party her uncle is throwing later that night, claiming that there will be many rich men who will probably be willing to give Domitilla free money. This is weird because Pat doesn’t even know that Domitilla moonlights as a sex worker. Domitilla attends the party flanked by her homegirls, and it doesn’t take long before she meets an older man named Dr Lawson (Enebeli Elebuwa) who decides to become her sugar daddy.

Domitilla, Jenny, and Judith are working their corner one night when a Peugeot 504 pulls up with two good-looking men in it, who say that they’re looking for a good group time. All the girls jump at the opportunity to chill with these obviously rich big boys willing to pay double their usual fee, so they get in the car with them. Things take a horrifying turn when the men drive to a dimly lit uncompleted building and bundle the girls in. The girls try to escape but Jenny is caught, choked, beheaded, and has her organs harvested.

Jenny’s death causes all the girls to spiral. There’s a heartbreaking scene where they all come together to grieve their fallen sister while complaining about the hard lives that fate has given them. The scene is effective but goes on for too long and quickly becomes annoying. Domitilla returns to the house one afternoon to find Anita packing her things. When she asks wtf is going on, Anita is like:

Anita informs Domitilla that she’s leaving their shared apartment to move in with discount Grace Jones, her client from the opening scene because he’s fallen in love with her and asked her to move in with him. Domitilla is truly happy for Anita but breaks down in tears, screaming, “GOD WHEN?!” Anita comforts her with this:

Just as Anita is about to leave, she turns to Domitilla and says:

But Domitilla is like:

And she does just that.

She doesn’t give up Dr Lawson, though. After telling him about Jenny’s death, he moves her into a hotel and foots the bill for her to live there permanently so he can sneak in for quickies whenever he wants without his wife finding out.

Dressed in a fancy wig and skirt suit combo so you know she has levelled up, Domitilla returns to her old apartment to visit Judith, the only remaining member of their group who still walks the street at night. Judith is distraught about the others leaving her alone for better lives.

Domitilla consoles her and gives her some money to start a proper business. Judith is over the moon.

Things go well for Domitilla until Dr Lawson’s wife, Mrs Lawson (Maureen Ihua), finds out about the affair. And as you expect, she’s fucking furious.

And she proceeds to do just that.

After taking her teenage daughter to Domitilla’s house so they can beat the shit out of Domitilla together (the daughter is horrified, says no, and asks to be taken home), Mrs Lawson decides to kill Domitilla, Disney villain style. She pays the manager of the hotel Domitilla is staying at to poison the next drink Domitilla orders. Unfortunately, the next time Domitilla orders a drink is when Dr Lawson is in the room with her. He unknowingly drinks from the poisoned glass and immediately dies.

Domitilla is arrested for the death of Dr Lawson and taken to court. Judith (who now runs a successful plastic business) joins forces with Anita to hire a good lawyer for Domitilla. Mrs Lawson plays the grieving window role perfectly and it looks like Domitilla might be found guilty. That’s until Dr Lawson’s teenage daughter takes the stand and reveals the truth.

Distraught that her own flesh and blood has exposed her like this, Mrs Lawson screams and passes out.

Domitilla’s friends and family run to hug her in celebration. Just as the judge is about to read the verdict, we get this:

I’m sorry but this first part was almost two hours long. There’s no way in hell I’m watching a sequel that’s obviously going to be another two hours of courtroom drama.

PEACE OUT. ✌🏽

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Nollywood Movie, “Mark of the Beast,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be recapping the music video for Eedris Abdulkareem’s 2003 hit song, Live in Yankee.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

The video starts with a visibly-distraught girl sitting on the bed of what is obviously a hotel room but is supposed to be her bedroom. I say this is because there’s a landline on the bedside table (only hotels do that shit), and the bedsheets and curtains are serving low budget guest house realness. Homegirl — whose name we never find out — is making a call, and as soon as it goes through, sings this:

Eedris, you promise sey you go marry me

See me you hurt me so badly

Remember na garri wey we dey wack eh

You don go yankee, you com forget me totally

Because I’m a messy bitch who lives for chaos, this is what I imagine she sings:

Eedris conveniently ignores the bit about him abandoning her and says that he actually set out to travel to Guinea but somehow ended up in America. If you’re hoping for an explanation of how the fuck that happened, don’t hold your breath because he doesn’t give one. He goes on to explain that while roaming the streets of New York looking for a record deal…

…he randomly came across P. Diddy…

…who immediately gave him a record deal…

…and billboard placements at Times Square (?)

You see, neither Diddy nor Eedris can rap so it makes perfect sense that one would sign the other.

Hearing about all the success Eedris has found without her, homegirl becomes even more distraught than she was when the conversation started and sings the chorus again, this time clutching a sad little stuffed sheep.

Eedris once again dismisses the obvious distress homegirl is in by saying:

And that makes me go:

Eedris talks about how P.Diddy gave him money to go shopping…

…and an obviously rented Lexus jeep.

This makes me wonder if P.Diddy took Eedris on as his artist or sugar baby.

A thing that happens all through the song that I LOVE is that whenever Eedris talks about a wild/amazing thing he’s done in America, homegirl interjects with adlibs that properly express the distress she feels from being abandoned. For example, Eedris sings about attending a party where Diddy gives him TWENTY Puerto Rican mummies to bump genitals with…

…and homegirl immediately screams:

Following it up with a gentle:

Probably because she can see the chances of Eedris returning for her slowly disappear with every story he tells.

The song goes on for a while and it’s just Eedris bragging about all women he’s slept with in the two years since he left. Just when you think all hope is lost for Homegirl, Eedris returns from America with a half bottle of champagne and two wine glasses to ask for her hand in marriage.

If you think Homegirl is going to slap him across the face and turn him down for abandoning her, you’re wrong. She puts on the ugliest wedding gown in existence…

…and runs up a comically long flight of stairs…

…to jump into his arms. And then they get married (?) I’m not sure tbh. Because as soon as they hug, the screen goes all wobbly like it does in movies when someone is daydreaming. The video ends with a shot of Homegirl angrily ripping a poster of Eedris off the wall of her room, and this insane shot of Eedris chilling with Ronald McDonald for some reason.

2003 was a very special time.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Nollywood Movie, “Mark of the Beast,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I’ll be recapping the late 1990s Nollywood horror movie, Mark of the Beast.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

You can tell, based on her facial expression, that Genevieve was serving premium sass in whatever scene that screenshot was taken from.

I watched this movie for the first time when I was 8-years-old and spent the next few years blocking it out because it was too terrifying. The only memory I had of it until recently was the scene of a pastor being yelled at by a rotund and particularly rude serving of pounded yam; a memory I most likely held on to because it’s funny as shit. Anyway, I was at my birthday dinner on the 18th of January 2022 when I encountered this tweet:

And just like that, all the horrifying parts of the movie I’d worked so hard to forget came rushing back, causing me to scream and fall to my knees in the toilet of the restaurant where my birthday dinner was taking place. After the mini-breakdown, I figured that this film would make a good “So You Don’t Have To” entry, so here we are.

The movie starts with a woman in the hospital giving birth. After struggling for a bit, the baby is born. The doctor (Segun Arinze) says, “Congratulations. You’ve delivered a bouncing baby boy,” and hands the still bloody baby to the mother. When the mother opens her eyes, she sees the doctor as this…

The love child of King Kong and Calibos (from the original Clash of the Titans)

…and sees her baby as this:

The love child of Miss Piggy and Baphomet.

Homegirl is understandably horrified by all this and proceeds to die of shock.

As this is happening, a man named Chief Modupe (Enebeli Elebuwa), flanked on both sides of his head by a pair of incredibly unsettling sideburns, is sitting in his living room and watching TV. A breaking news broadcast comes on, anchored by a woman wearing what appears to be a Golden Girls Halloween wig.

The lights in Chief Modupe’s house flicker, causing his heavily pregnant wife, Mrs Modupe (Ngozi Ezeonu), to slip and fall in the bathroom. After getting her to the hospital, Chief Modupe learns from the doctor — the same one that delivered the baby in the opening scene — that Mrs Modupe’s fall SOMEHOW ruptured her uterus, killed the baby in her belly, and destroyed her womb. The prognosis is that she’ll never again be able to conceive.

Chief Modupe is distraught and about to ugly cry when the Doctor suggests that Chief Modupe adopt the baby born in the opening scene and pass it off to his wife as the one that was in her belly.

Chief Modupe takes the child and names him, Chris.

Ten years later, Chris has grown to be a creepy precocious child. Mrs Modupe walks into his bedroom one night and finds some scary drawings he’s made.

She’s about to dismiss it as something he probably picked up from a movie or video game until she looks at his face and sees this:

We later see Chris having a Zoom meeting with Lucifer in his room. It’s revealed that the reason Chris looked like a demon piglet at the time of his birth is that he’s the literal spawn of Satan. Satan tattoos Chris’ forehead with the mark of the beast (666) and sends him into the world to win souls for hell.

Because of what she saw in Chris’ room, Mrs Modupe becomes terrified of Chris. Chris picks up on this and proceeds to fuck with her mind by infiltrating her dreams and turning them into nightmares. Like this one:

Any time Mrs Modupe tries to tell her husband what’s happening, Chris wipes her memory with magic. After months of torture, Chris kills her by making her stab herself in the chest with a long-ass kitchen knife.

Twenty years pass. Chris has taken over his father’s vague business is now being played by a man that looks like a Christ Embassy youth pastor.

Actor: Charles Sadiq-Waran

And it’s revealed that the doctor who helped deliver Chris as a baby and convinced the Modupes the adopt him knows about Chris’ origin and is a soldier of Satan.

OVER ONE HOUR INTO THE MOVIE, a pair of siblings named Mike (Joe Nwodo) and Nene (Genevieve Nnaji) sashay into the story. The first time we see them, they’re at a hospital visiting their chronically ill mother, who’s going in for surgery and is not sure she’s going to survive.

And she’s right. She dies during surgery and the children are emotionally wrecked. Mike decides that God has called him to fight the anti-christ so he quits his job and starts a church. He and Nene are driving down a road one day when they witness a group of armed robbers attempt to rob Chris. Chris steps out of his car and does this:

Which makes the armed robbers go:

When the robbers flee, Mike and Nene go to check if Chris is ok. Even though he’s acting like you’d expect the anti-christ in an old Nollywood movie to act (weird and rude), they insist on being friends with him and invite him to their church. He agrees to attend and makes the decision to start messing with them like he did his mother.

Mike is in bed one night, wearing the pyjamas Nene bought him and reading the bible when the spirit of konji rears its head. He starts rubbing his penis and gets the disgusting idea to go have sex with his Nene, HIS SISTER. So he sneaks into her room and proceeds to grab her boob…

…but comes to his senses before actually doing anything. Meanwhile, Chris finds out that Nene is a virgin and spiritually sexes her up in a dream. She starts hanging out with Chris more and acting out until Mike notices something is not right with her and initiates a surprise deliverance session.

We find out that the night Chris was born, so were six others around the world; one for each continent. Their job is to get as many souls as possible for hell from their respective continents. Satan gathers all seven of them for an all-hands meeting to track their progress. Here’s a picture of all of them.

It tickles me greatly to see that they’re all light-skinned.

Chris reveals that he’s been using his business to recruit more souls by infusing the following things with soul-binding dark magic:

• Makeup
• Video games
• Music
• Movies
• Fast food
• Second hand clothes (remeber this one)
• Toys
• Candy
• THE FREAKING INTERNET (keep in mind this movie was made in the late 1990s and the internet wasn’t mainstream in Nigeria yet so there were still conspiracy theories surroudning it)

Mike is getting ready for bed another night when he puts on the pyjamas Nene bought him and gets the urge to bump genitals with her again. Somehow coming to the conclusion that the pyjamas are the problem (sure, he’s right but that was an insane mental leap he took), he takes it off and burns it. He then goes to his sister and is like:

Chris amps up his attempts to fuck up Mike and Nene’s lives. And that’s what leads us to the iconic talking pounded yam scene. Nene makes pounded yam for dinner one night and as Mike blesses the food, the pounded yam goes:

Mike and Nene join forces to vanquish the demonic pounded yam. This experience makes them organise a night vigil at their church, which Chris attends for some reason. When a priest (don’t ask why a catholic priest is at a pentecostal night vigil) starts throwing holy water over all the people present, a drop of it touches Chris and this comes out of Chris’ body:

And everyone lives happily ever after.

SIKE!

RECOMMENDED: I Recapped Mummy GO’s Most Insane Videos So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be making a list of the most insane Mummy GO videos.

Funmilayo Adebayo, famously known as Mummy GO, is an evangelist who has gone viral for the video clips in which she claims that anybody who likes any aspect of existence that makes life bearable is going to hell. When her videos began to surface in late 2021/early 2022, she seemed super familiar to me, but I couldn’t remember where I’d seen her before. It wasn’t until Kunle tagged me to a tweet containing pictures of some of her books that it hit me.

Mummy GO is the woman who wrote the very first thing I ever recapped for the “So You Don’t Have To” series; a book titled The Game of The Anti-Christ (Exposing the Secret Behind Football).

I'm screaming because this is the book that started #ZikokoSYDHT!" I need to go thank Mummy G.O 😂 https://t.co/60DB9dIeJD

— carabiner scissorly (@grandpabbychuck) January 10, 2022

Like the name of the book implies, Mummy GO rants for a few dozen pages about football being an evil sport created in the underworld by hell’s management as part of their never-ending attempts to destroy humanity. She further claims that the reason she knows all this is because she served as an intern in hell, working closely with the prince of darkness himself for 990 years.

Here’s an excerpt from that article:

“The author’s bio describes Fumilayo Adebayo as a seasoned evangelist and gifted writer with an uncommon passion for soul-winning. This is exactly how Pennywise (the demon clown from the movie IT) would be described if he ever took a break from eating children to write a book. Using bible verses and thinly-veiled threats, she tells us that we have to believe everything she says unless we’ll die a terrible death and go to hell. I carried on reading because I like trash.“

If you want to read that iconic article, click here.

Mummy GO has a shit load of videos floating around, and all of them are fucking hilarious. But because I’m a messy bitch who lives drama, I’ve gone through all of the ones I could find and compiled the most insane ones. Don’t thank me. Just pay for my therapy.

Let’s start with a wild one. The one where she talks about how God restored her virginity.

As you can see, this woman is basically standing in front of her congregation and bragging about being so tight that it takes her husband half an hour to penetrate her during sex. The wildest thing here isn’t even the smug tone she uses to talk about her TAP (tight ass pussy), it’s the fact that no one in the audience is trying to suppress laughter. They just sit there and take it.

Here’s a video where she talks about the Walt Disney Company and what she thinks its logo represents.

In this, Mummy GO pulls a trick straight out of the 2009 edition of the Conspiracy Theorists YouTuber’s Handbook and claims that Disney is dedicated to imprinting the mark of the beast (666) in the minds of children. Aided by a PowerPoint presentation, she says that the number 666 is hidden in the trademark Disney font. Walt Disney’s frozen head must be rolling in its cryogenic chamber.

Here’s the one where she bashes the art of comedy and insists that anyone who engages in it has a one-way ticket to hell.

I don’t know if Mummy GO went for a stand-up comedy show and was bored or she watched a couple of skits from Nigerian Instagram comedians and didn’t enjoy them, but she really REALLY hates comedians and hopes we all burn. Damn. We just want to make people laugh, lady.

She also hates haircuts for some reason.

She just points at some guy with a shaved head in the congregation and says, “Do you people know that this hairstyle is a sin?!” She carries on by saying that any haircut that shows even the tiniest bit of a man’s scalp is a sin. Now, I’m sitting here thinking, “What about bald people? What the fuck are they supposed to do??“

If you’re looking for a reason to not celebrate valentine’s day this year, Mummy GO has given you one.

You’re welcome.

If you’re a man with swagger of any kind, Mummy GO says you’re a devil worshipper.

This tickles me immensely because it shows how removed she is from modern-day pop culture. When was the last time you saw a man pack his crotch and wave his wrists while screaming, “Ayo man”? Seems like she’s still stuck in the 1990s/early 2000s, and it’s killing me.

Let’s not forget when she told tales of her bad bitch era.

By that description, you just know she was out in these streets built like an Instagram baddie, snatching up people’s boyfriends and husbands. Yas Gawd! I do love that whatever took her beauty left her with the gap in her front teeth, though. A way for her to relive her past glory. That was very nice of…it.

You heard it here first: There’s nothing Satan likes more than a hot fok.

I wonder what Rihanna and Lady GHANA have to say about these accusations. Does this also mean that Tom Holland is married to Satan? He did dance spectacularly to Rihanna’s “Umbrella” on Lipsync Battle. Who else is Satan married to? How do they share him? Someone has to ask the important questions, and that person is me.

You know who else Mummy GO hates? Michael Jackson. Here’s what she has to say about his style of dancing.

Old gal believes that Michael Jackson invented break dancing and that he learned the dance style from SKELETONS. Probably from these guys:

She also added that because it’s a skeleton dance, break dancing is for the dead, which means that if you do it, you’re indirectly telling God that you’re dead and shouldn’t complain when the Grim Reaper comes to collect.

Lastly, here’s the BBC interview where she denies saying all of the things above, claiming that the videos were doctored.

At this point, I’m not even sure what her deal is anymore.

If you want a deeper look into Mummy GO’s psyche, read my recap of one of her books.

The Game of The Anti-Christ (Exposing the Secret Behind Football)

Today, I will be recapping the 2022 Nollywood comedy, Chief Daddy 2.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Chief Daddy 2 came out on Netflix on the 1st of January, 2022 and was immediately followed by overwhelmingly negative reviews from both critics and viewers. I’ve spent hours since the day it premiered scouring the interwebs for a positive review and found none. It’s just been waves of anger and disgust. The bad reviews have even started a conversation on social media about the poor quality of recent Nollywood movies.

Here’s a hilariously named Twitter Spaces that took place on the 6th of January 2022.

Even funnier than the title, one of Chief Daddy 2’s producers was present and lurking in the shadows until she couldn’t bear the bashing anymore and took the mic to rant. LMAO!

The conversations about the movie piqued my interest so I decided to watch it. Now that I’ve seen it, I can say with my entire bosom that the critics aren’t wrong.

WARNING: Make sure you’ve seen the first movie and remember all the plot points and characters from it because I will not be jogging your memory.

The movie starts where the last one ended; with Laila (Rahama Sadau) showing up at the Beecroft family mansion and staring at it like she’s fighting the urge to burn it down.

Laila is revealed to be yet another illegitimate child of Chief Daddy who is fucking pissed because she grew up with his fatherly love and was excluded from his will. She has shown up from nowhere (seriously, we’re never told where she’s from or how she suddenly has all this power) to wreck the Beecroft family’s plans. She is somehow now the majority shareholder in Beecroft company and insists on not giving any of the family members the money Chief Daddy willed to them.

The family, who had almost gotten to Kumbaya status by the end of the last movie, are thrown into chaos again. They gather around the comically large dining table in the Beecroft family mansion to figure out what they’re going to do about this flimsy excuse for a sequel new threat to their funds.

Someone says they have to get rid of Laila. Femzy (Falz) thinks this is code for “murder” and starts thinking up ways to kill her. Lady Kay (Joke Silva) wakes up the next morning and is worried about not being able to throw a lavish 62nd birthday party for herself because she’s now a broke madam.

This is weird because her husband died like two weeks ago and she should be distraught. Then again, if I found out that a man I was married to for decades spent our entire marriage impregnating people around Nigeria like some kind of rabbit, I too wouldn’t give a shit about him dying.

She throws the party anyway but all the guests run for their lives when they realise that the party is giving…poverty. Femzy isn’t present for his mother’s disaster birthday party because he’s in the studio recording a song. He gets kicked out of the studio due to his inability to pay the studio fees.

Dammy (Mawuli Gavor), Chief Daddy’s eldest son and world-famous football player, is in London hanging out with some in-universe famous actress. She keeps giving him “fuck me” eyes but he doesn’t reciprocate because he’s now engaged to Adaora (Beverly Naya). When he gets up to leave, she goes in for a goodbye hug but plants a sneak attack kiss on his lips. Paparazzi get footage of this.

Dammy returns to Lagos and refuses to admit that he’s engaged during an interview because his manager insists that it’s better for his public image to be seen as a reckless bachelor than to be engaged to the daughter of a maid. Adaora is furious and demands to know if he takes their relationship seriously. He assures her that he does and as they’re about to makeup, the video of the famous actress kissing him goes viral. Adaora is fucking furious now and storms off to hang out seductively by the pool. Dammy approaches her and explains how the kiss happened.

They then engage in what I can only describe as the kissing equivalent of dry-humping in jeans.

Femzy has taken it upon himself to get his family’s fortune back from Laila. He first attempts to get close to her by getting a job at the company. It’s never made clear what role he’s going for, though, because he just walks into her office and demands that the company create an entertainment section for him. This doesn’t work so he comes up with the dumbest plan in movie history.

All Femzy needs to carry out his plan is money but he has none. Sisi Ice Cream (Linda Ejiofor) somehow comes up with the money needed and they both travel to Dubai. The moment they land, they run into a noisy ass cab driver named Omar (Brodda Shaggi).

Due to unintentionally unfunny hijinks, Femzy and Sisi Ice Cream run out of money before they can find a big music exec willing to invest in Femzy’s music. They decide to return home but Omar reignites Femzy’s passion by taking him to the Coca-Cola Arena (?)

This is strange because I’m pretty sure the thing they lack is money, not passion. Sisi Ice Cream would be great at writing “So You Don’t Have To” because she immediately points this out. Omar offers to let them stay at his place for a few weeks while he helps them search for a music exec he knows. Femzy calls Dammy to ask for some money so Dammy flies to Dubai with the money instead of just sending it to him. Dammy reveals that Omar doesn’t actually know any music exec and Femzy is angry as hell. These are Omar’s excuses for lying:

WHAT?!

Then Sisi Ice Cream goes:

WHAT IS GOING ON?!

In a last attempt to save his relationship with them, Omar suggests that Femzy perform at an open mic night somewhere in the city. Femzy does it and it goes kinda well (?) Honestly, I can’t tell. After that, Sisi Ice Cream suggests Femzy shoot his music video there so they all just go out in the weirdly empty streets and start filming.

And the music video goes viral. Because why the hell not?

They all return to Nigeria.

Dammy video calls Laila and convinces her to stop being so fucking bitter.

Dammy invites Laila to he and Adaora’s wedding. Laila gives a speech explaining that she’s no longer a villain. The entire family dances to Falz’ latest single.

Just so you know, Chief Daddy 2 is way more chaotic than this. I did my best to tie it all into a somewhat coherent narrative. I left out the subplot of Tinu and Teni (Funke Akindele and Kate Henshaw, respectively) courting the same man all through the movie and then deciding to both become his wives at the end because it grossed me out and made no sense.

That’s it. I’m done.

Someone please get me a painkiller.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

I’ve spent the last few days thinking of all the episodes of “So You Don’t Have To” I’ve written in 2021 so as to pick out my absolute best five to put on this list, and I couldn’t. Do you know why?

Because they’re all amazing.

I’m funny as hell and every episode of SYDHT I’ve put out has been groundbreaking. I truly believe that future generations will sit around campfires/classrooms and talk about me like I was Comedian Jesus.

I’m glad we had that talk.

Just because I couldn’t put all of them on this list, here are my five favourite SYDHT episodes of 2021.

I Spoke To A Money Ritual Juju Man So You Don’t Have To

In December of 2020, I was contacted by a self-proclaimed herbalist who claimed he could make me a shit ton of money in a ritual that would NOT require a human life. I was going to ignore him because I don’t do demons but figured I could get a bitching SYDHT episode out of it. And baby, I DID. Read to find out how far down the rabbit hole I went in my attempt to find out how money rituals work.

Click here to read.

I Watched The Nollywood Movie “Suicide Mission” So You Don’t Have To

This 1998 Nollywood movie has everything. The eternally beautiful Regina Askia, Sugar Daddy RMD, old Nollywood witchcraft, necrophilia, telekinesis, trapped souls in groundnut bottles, the main antagonist turning into a dog at the end, much more shit. It also helps that the plot is batshit.

Click here to read it.

I Watched The Music Video For Peter Okoye’s Song “Look Into My Eyes” So You Don’t Have To

Peter Okoye — who now hilariously goes by Mr P — is one half of the defunct music duo P-Square. He and his identical twin brother, Paul, burst onto the scene in 2003 and ran things (things didn’t run them) until they had a fight in 2017 and went their separate ways. In 2018, Peter released the video for a song titled “Look Into My Eyes,” proving his determination to carry on the family tradition of violently ripping off Michael Jackson.

Click here to read it.

I Attended A Moaning Competition So You Don’t Have To

On the 15th of October 2021, a moaning competition took place on Twitter Spaces. I took it upon myself to attend the moaning competition undercover so I could recap the event for those who couldn’t attend or were too ashamed to. I still haven’t recovered. Dollars could speed up my recovery. Send me some.

Click here to read.

I Watched The 2020 Nollywood Movie, “Nneka The Pretty Serpent,” So You Don’t Have To

The makers of this iteration of “Nneka the Pretty Serpent” tried to solve the problem of the original movie (not having an actual plot) by giving a reason for Nneka’s murder spree. But due to the unintentionally hilarious execution and unnecessarily complex backstory, it doesn’t quite work and is confusing as hell.

Click here to read.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be telling the story of the time I tried pre-workout and almost sent myself to the great beyond.

I made a big mistake that day. And yes, I have ragrets.

Date: 11th of November 2021

Time: 7:50 a.m.

Location: Bedroom

Activity: Thinking

I’m lying in bed thinking about my fitfam journey. Ever since I fell off the rails in 2017, it’s been a mess. I think about how I registered at a gym in April 2021 and actually did the damn thing for a few months but fell off again. Now, three months later, I haven’t gone back because I’m always tired.

But that’s about to change. You see, I’ve recently encountered something that can turn my fitness journey around. The thing doesn’t belong to me, but I’m going to get my hands on it by any means necessary.

Summer body here I come.

Time: 10:30 a.m.

Location: Kitchen

Activity: Stealing

My partner has just bought a tub of pre-workout, and I am determined to try some of it without telling them.

I have no idea why I’m keeping this is a secret. I guess being fraudulent makes me feel alive. Anyway, I mix a scoop of the pre-workout powder in water. I expect it to have the same texture as a protein shake but it doesn’t and just looks like…powder in water. I’m like, “YOLO” and down it in one gulp. The high-pitched scream that escapes my lips immediately after swallowing would’ve made Ariana Grande say “Kilode?!”

The mixture tastes like citrus-flavoured battery acid.

Time: 11:26 a.m.

Location: On my way to the gym in a cab

Activity: Vibrating with energy

It’s been almost an hour since I drank the pre-workout and I feel excellent. I get to the gym and immediately start sprinting on the treadmill.

I spend 20 minutes on the treadmill, move straight to the elliptical machine, and start riding violently. I go from that to the weights section to work on my arms. When I’m done, I put my legs to work at the squat rack. I can feel the energy from the pre-workout coursing through my body like electricity and I feel ALIVE.

This must be what eating meth feels like.

Time: 12: 49 p.m.

Location: The gym floor

Activity: Trying not to die

One moment, I’m working the hell out of a stationary bike, and the next, I’m on the floor feeling faint. The room is spinning and my chest is doing gbim gbim. I wonder what could be causing this and remember that I took the pre-workout on an empty stomach. Fuck. It’s the middle of the day so I’m alone in that section of the gym. I lie there for a few minutes, unable to get up. Then I think about what the headlines would be if I die on the top floor of Nigeria’s fastest-growing gym chain, surrounded by stationary bikes. That gives me the strength to stand.

“Lagos fat man slumps and dies while working out.”

Time: 1:15 p.m.

Location: Sandwich shop beside the gym

Activity: Wolfing down a disgustingly healthy sandwich

In the sandwich shop’s defence, selling anything but healthy food next to a gym would be plain evil. I made my way there and frantically demanded a sandwich, scaring the attendants so much, they hand me the sandwich before asking for money. As I sit there eating a sandwich filled with leaves, I remember the stock photos of white people laughing while eating salads and wonder what the fuck they’re laughing at because this shit tastes like grass.

Fuck those lying Caucasians.

Time: 1:30 p.m.

Location: Gym toilet

Activity: Virtual work meeting

Turns out a client scheduled an important meeting for that time and I totally forgot about it. Fortunately, I had enough energy to “Hmmm” and “Yah” my way through it. Capitalism is the worst.

I picked the toilet because I needed a quiet place and the gym plays loud ass music 24/7.

Time: 3: 21 p.m.

Location: Home

Activity: Realising that I could’ve fucking died that day

I’m reading the instructions on the side of the pre-workout container and it says that beginners should first try half a scoop to see how their body reacts to it. It also says that pre-workout contains the caffeine equivalent of four cups of coffee and that people with hypertension should stay away from it. Guess who has two thumbs and blood pressure that’s high as shit?

Me.

I could’ve died of a heart attack. Girl, I…

Time: 4:39 a.m.

Location: Bedroom

Activity: Screaming in frustration

It’s been over 12 hours since I got home, and I’m exhausted but can’t sleep because the pre-workout electricity is still running through me. I scream, “Eli Eli lama sabachthani?!” and fall to the floor in tears. My partner is stressed out and sitting in a chair, watching me display madness. I’ve refused to let them sleep because HOW DARE THEY SLEEP WHEN I’M IN DISTRESS?!

“I’M A GOOD PERSON! I DON’T DESERVE THIS!!”

Time: 7:23 a.m.

Location: Kitchen floor

Activity: FINALLY sleeping

Never again will I attempt to use performance enhancers. Nah fat I fat. I no kill person.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “Alter Ego,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be recapping the 2017 Nollywood movie, Alter Ego.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

You are going to angrily flip a table when you find out why this is the movie’s name.

Alter Ego was released in 2017. It marked Omotola’s return to the big screen after a few years away and was heavily marketed using clips from the movie’s cringe-worthy sex scenes. It didn’t click at the time but I’m willing to bet that this movie was inspired by the TV show, How To Get Away With Murder.

So you can see why.

The movie starts at a courthouse in Lagos, which is abuzz with reporters publicizing the proceedings of the high-profile sexual assault case going on inside…

…to the eager general public.

This immediately lets me know that this movie takes place in some alternate universe’s version of Nigeria where cases of any kind get this much coverage or any at all.

The case is about the sexual assault of a teenage girl by a rich and powerful man. Barrister Ada Igwe (Omotola Jalade Ekeinde), a human rights lawyer, is defending the girl. When it seems like the rich man is about to escape prison time by claiming he wasn’t in the country when the alleged assault happened, Ada stands and up screams:

She then provides receipts that he actually was in the country at the time of the assault, sending him to prison. By the time the opening credits roll, it’s been established – by the reporters repeating it every 6 seconds – that Ada Igwe is a well-known human rights lawyer who has dedicated her life to getting justice for the victims of sexual assault. It’s also shown that when the law fails, Ada is willing to do anything necessary to make sure sex offenders get their comeuppance, one way or another.

On her way home from the court, it’s revealed that Ada is a nymphomaniac when she decides to have a genital meet & greet with her driver in the back seat of her car WHILE STUCK IN TRAFFIC.

When they get to her house, she gives him a three-month salary advance and fires him. Apparently, her M.O is to sleep with her employees and then pay them to leave when she’s done. She does this with her gardener…

…and her SISTER’S HUSBAND, Daniel (Kunle Remi), who she hires to work for her law firm after he loses his job. They’re driving to work together one day when she’s like:

And so she does in the very next scene:

He catches feelings for her immediately.

[newsletter]

Ada acknowledges that this is an incredibly shitty thing she’s doing but keeps slobbing on his knob anyway. She begs him not to tell her sister, Zika.

Meanwhile, a politician named Timothy Ighodaro (Wale Ojo) takes an interest in Ada.

He befriends Ada, claiming to also be a human rights activist and even accompanies her to a few IDP camps to deliver provisions. After a while, they become close and start sucking each other faces.

One day, Ada finds out that one of the teenage girls she’s defended in court may, like her, have a sex addiction. She is horrified by this, and after taking the girl to a therapist, tearfully reveals to Timothy the reason she’s so passionate about fighting for human rights! She was molested at the age of 13 by a teacher back in secondary school, causing her to create an ALTER EGO to hide her sex addiction, which she believes was caused by the abuse. Timothy is sympathetic, and this conversation makes Ada decide to get a handle on her sex addiction. She fires Daniel so she won’t be tempted to bump genitals with him anymore.

During one of Ada’s visits to an IDP camp, she spots a girl named Aisha (Emem Inwang) who looks bruised up and deathly terrified of something/someone. Ada tries to find out what’s wrong but whenever she tries to strike up a conversation, the girl runs off screaming. Ada realises that Aisha is afraid to talk in public so she has Aisha KIDNAPPED from the camp and brought to her house.

After calming herself, Aisha explains that the reason she’s constantly terrified is that Timothy Ighodaro has been sexually assaulting her for months and has threatened to kill her if she tells anyone. Ada is sceptical, but Aisha is like:

Aisha produces receipts in the form of pictures that her brother took of all the time Timothy has come to the camp for nefarious reasons. Distraught and confused, Ada goes to get advice from her sister, Zika, about the situation. She falls asleep in Zika’s living room, which leads to Zika seeing the following texts from her husband to Ada.

Zika is fucking furious and throws Ada out of the house. Having lost the trust of her only remaining family member and confidant, she wanders the street barefoot and has the obligatory “main character showers depressingly to show that their life has fallen apart” scene.

Ada confronts Timothy with the pictures and he doesn’t deny it. He says he expected she’d understand because, like her, he too was molested as a child and only rapes people as a side effect of his abuse. When she lets him know that her explanation makes no fucking sense, he threatens to out her to society as a sex addict. She doesn’t back down and takes him to court to get justice for Amina.

The attorney goes on to claim that Ada is using this court case (and by proxy, Aisha) to get back at Timothy for breaking up with her after finding out about her sex addiction. The next thing you know, Timothy’s lawyer starts bringing witnesses to the stand to defame Ada’s character. First up is Zika, who is still pissed as hell that Ada slept with her husband.

Up next is Daniel, who is still upset that Ada will no longer let him eat her hairy snail.

This goes on a WHILE and the judge just allows it until Ada is like:

She drops proof that Timothy molested Aisha and many others in the IDP camp and he gets carted off to prison for 14 years.

A few weeks after the case, Ada tracks down the teacher who molested her as a teenager. She finds him blind, bedridden from multiple illnesses and living in a swamp. She whips out a gun from her purse and goes to shoot him in the face as revenge but changes her mind, deciding that life is already kicking his ass for his sins. she emerges from her molester’s swamp to find Zika and Daniel waiting for her. They all quietly point guns at each other.

And just as the screen goes black, we hear a gunshot.

We never find out who gets shot.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “Oracle,” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 1998 Nollywood horror movie, “Oracle.”

This has very little to do with the movie or this poster, but I met Charles Okafor a few weeks ago at a supermarket, and he’s still a Zaddy. I just thought y’all would like to know.

I remember watching this movie as a child in the late 90s, and the entire cast was young, somehow hip, and at the top of their game. Now, two of them have been dead for over five years and the rest aren’t even in movies anymore. Kinda makes you think about how Father Time is matching forward ruthlessly, pushing every single person – whether they want to be moved or not – towards a family grave in Ikoyi cemetery, with an ugly ass tombstone covered in tacky, overpriced bathroom tiles.

That’s it. That’s this week’s opener.

It starts with a bunch of people on a bus. They look like they’re in the middle of nowhere so my guess is that they’re travelling from one state to another. They’re chilling, doing regular people shit. Two of them look like they’re planning to fornicate, and it’s so sweet to observe.

Ominous music swells and a car shows up in the bus’ rearview mirror.

The car runs the bus off the road and armed men emerge from it. The bus’ passengers attempt to lock the doors but that doesn’t work because the robbers have associates on the bus. Even though they’re just there to steal, they whip out Famicom video game-looking guns and start shooting people at random like they’re playing Duck Hunt.

After killing a couple of people, a police squad shows up and there’s a shootout. This is the confirmation I need to know that this movie takes place in an alternate reality because when was the last time the Nigerian police actually did their job?

The police win and some of the robbers are killed. We’re never told what the fuck all that is about because the movie’s opening credits roll and there’s a 9-month time jump. The remaining members of the robbery gang, Obinna (Saint Obi), Uche (Ejike Asiegbu), and Donatus (Charles Okafor) have been assembled for one last job by some guy that’s supposed to be a caucasian American but really looks like Filipino Lionel Richie.

Obinna and Uche are all for stealing the mask of Okpakiri, but Donatus is worried that Okpakiri will fuck them up for stealing from it. The others quickly shame Donatus into going along with the plan by saying:

They go to the village and attempt to steal the mask themselves but abort the mission when they keep hearing noises in the woods. They decide to get help from two of the village’s elders. They explain their mission to the elders, Odimkpa (Pete Edochie) and Ifedi (Enebeli Elebuwa), and the elders are at first horrified by the idea of stealing from a spirit. But Obinna, Uche, and Donatus offer the elders N500,000 each, and this immediately changes their minds.

To avoid being seen by the other villagers, they all go at night to steal the mask. Odimkpa spits some Igbo incantations to conjure the mask.

When the chief priest of Okpakiri’s shrine shows up for work the next morning, he sees the mask is missing and screams:

The gang of thieves make it back to Lagos and deliver Okpakiri’s mask to Filipino Lionel Richie. Filipino Lionel Richie takes the mask into a backroom to inspect it. Then this happens:

What the fuck this interaction was about is never explained.

Filipino Lionel Richie returns from the backroom and gives the gang the money for the job (N9 million). What follows is a montage of the boys spending their money on random things. Donatus buys his fiancée a car…

…and Obinna starts building a house.

We’re never told what Uche does with his cut. I’m assuming it had a lot to do with drugs and prostitutes, and that’s why it wasn’t shown onscreen.

If you’re wondering how they’re able to do all this with N3 million each (N9 million split three ways), remember that this movie was released in 1998 and the economy wasn’t as shitty as it is now.

Unknown to our gang of thieves, Okpakiri is angry as hell that it has been robbed. To get revenge, it builds itself a physical body in the form of a naked gym bro covered in gold paint and wearing a straw bob wig.

Okpakiri sets off on a journey to Lagos to kill the thieves. He makes his first public appearance at Uche’s birthday party, killing the celebrant by spiritually choking him to death.

The gag is that Uche is the only one who sees Okpakiri so Obinne and Donatus don’t yet know that they’re now starring in their very own horror movie. The idea that they’re being haunted and killed off by Okpakiri eventually crosses Donatus’ mind so he and Obinna go ask Odimkpa what the hell is going on.

But it soon becomes clear that something is happening when Ifedi dies in a freak accident…

…and Obinna is impaled by an iron rod after falling from the top of his uncompleted building.

Donatus returns to the village, trying to find a way to escape death but is promptly killed by Okpakiri.

When Odimkpa realises that he’s the only one left, he tries to hang himself.

But Okpakiri shows up and is like:

The movie ends with a cliffhanger every old Nollywood fan is familiar with.

But that was a fucking lie because there was never a sequel.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Old Nollywood Movie, “Died Wretched,” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 1998 classic Nollywood movie, “Died Wretched.”

The wig Eucharia’s has on in this poster will haunt my dreams for eternity.

There are some Nollywood movies that, based on their titles alone, you know will be about one someone (or people) just suffering anyhow from start to finish. That’s exactly what “Died Wretched” is about. Brace yourself for the impact of onscreen poverty accompanied by a sad as hell late 90s Nollywood soundtrack.

The movie starts with a man named Lucas (Tom Njemanze) returning from work. You can tell that Lucas is going through it because he’s on a bus with his coworkers and they’re talking about how they haven’t been paid salaries in two months. Lucas gets home to find his children in various stages of despair.

You see, because he hasn’t been paid in so long, they’re dirt poor and can’t afford anything to buy food. After spending some time in his room wondering why sapa has him in a chokehold…

…he decides to offer up one of his sons as a sales boy to an old colleague of his named Mayor.

Mayor doesn’t take Lucas’ son as a sales boy because he thinks it’ll be weird, but he does give Lucas N50,000. He talks about Lucas’ billionaire nephew, Chris (Tony Umez), and asks why Lucas hasn’t asked him for money yet. Lucas says that Chris always makes promises but never delivers. Lucas goes to Chris’ house the next day but Chris isn’t home. He meets his wife, Sarah (Eucharia Anunobi) instead. Sarah calls Chris and they have a conversation that goes like this:

Sarah doesn’t send Lucas home, though, because she feels bad for him and wants Chris to help. While they’re waiting for Chris to return, Lucas reveals to Sarah that he too used to be rich as fuck but all that changed when the fire nation attacked.

I couldn’t help myself.

All that changed when Chris got arrested and Lucas had to use all his money to get Chris out of jail. He says he also paid Chris’ way through school and is super pissed that Chris is refusing to give him money to start a business. And while I get why he’s upset, his entire thing is doing my body somehow because it reeks of entitlement. Maybe it’s just me sha.

Chris gets back and finds Lucas sleeping in the living room. He goes to his and Sarah’s bedroom and gets into a fight with her for not sending Lucas home as he asked. Sarah reads him for filth, telling him to stop being a stingy bastard and help the man who sacrificed so much for his success. Chris agrees to give Lucas a house and N5 million to start a spare parts business. Lucas is excited and immediately goes to find a shop to rent. When he returns to Chris to get rent money for the shop, Chris says:

And Lucas immediately starts going:

Which makes Chris go:

To calm Lucas down, Chris gives him a wad of cash and begs him to be patient. But Lucas gets angry and storms out with the cash, screaming that he doesn’t need Chris’ help anymore because the embarrassment he has faced is too much. It’s revealed soon after that Chris is a lying piece of shit who is cheating on Sarah. We even see him buy his side chick a car.

Meanwhile, Lucas and his family get thrown out of their house for owing rent. It’s revealed here that Lucas believes that Sarah is the reason Chris doesn’t deliver on his promises. He insists that Sarah has instructed Chris to not give money to his relatives. This is insane because Sarah is the one who keeps pleading on his behalf.

Lucas’s wife, Joy (Rachel Oniga), shows up at Chris’ office one day looking distraught. Chris thinks she has come for the money he promised and writes a check but this happens:

He and Joy sit together and cry unintentionally hilarious tears.

Chris goes home to inform Sarah that Lucas is dead and she’s like:

Chris and Sarah go to the village to plan Lucas’ burial. At the meeting with their other relatives, Chris stands up and announces that he wants to give Lucas a befitting burial by spending a shit ton of money on it. One guy present is like:

Before Chris can respond, the women at the meeting start a fight with Sarah, accusing her of being the reason Chris never helped Lucas. Sarah holds her own against the women and I am AROUSED.

Six months pass and it’s finally time for the burial. Chris goes all out with the preparations. As Lucas’ casket is being lowered into the ground, the pastor halts proceedings and uses bible verses to indirectly insult the shit out of Chris. Then Lucas is buried and everyone…

Do you know what will always bother me about this movie? Certain plot threads are never tied up. Like Chris’ side chick or the fact that Chris never said a word to support Sarah when his people thought she was the reason for his stinginess.

I’m stressed.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Movie “Beyonce & Rihanna” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today I will be recapping the super chaotic 2008 Nollywood movie, “Beyonce & Rihanna”

Get a load of those outfits. The insane 2000s fashion energy is strong with this one.

The drugs going around Nollywood in 2008 must’ve been cheap as hell because a movie executive most likely in the middle of a three-day-long cocaine bender sat down and decided to make FOUR movies about the ‘Beyonce and Rihanna fighting over Jay Z‘ rumours. I hope that that movie executive eventually went to rehab and got the help they needed but I’m also grateful to them for creating the batshit franchise that is “Beyonce & Rihanna.”

The movie starts with Jay (Jim Iyke), a music producer auditioning two female singers in his home. His girlfriend, Bernice (Nadia Buari), shows up looking like a Mount Zion movie university cult member and throws the girls out because she believes they have plans to sleep with Jay.

Bernice is terrified that Jay is going to cheat on her with one (or all) of the many aspiring female singers who throw themselves at him for a chance at a record deal. So she decides to move into his house to keep a closer eye on him. Her father doesn’t like the idea of her going to live with a man she’s not married to and Bernice claims it’s because she needs proper space to practice for a singing competition she’s currently in. Her father has this to say about her reasons:

Bernice’s father orders her not to leave the house but she does anyway so he promptly disowns her. She drives to Jay’s house and forcefully moves in. Jay doesn’t want this but also doesn’t want Bernice’s wahala so he just lets her go in and is like:

We’re introduced to Rhyme (Omotola Jalade Ekeinde) in the next scene when she mistakenly hits Bernice with her car. When Bernice sees that it’s Rhyme that’s hit her, she has a flashback to their days in uni when she lost a singing competition to Rhyme. She also remembers that she’s up against Rhyme in the singing competition she’s currently in. Filled with rage, she angrily accuses Rhyme of trying to kill her. Rhyme explains that it was an accident but Bernice isn’t listening. She steals Rhyme’s car and drives off grand theft auto style. Rhyme is left standing at the side of the road like:

When Jay finds out what Bernice has done, he returns Rhyme’s car to her. While talking, they exchange subtle glances that seem to say:

But nothing happens and they go their separate ways. It’s established that Rhyme is the level-headed one and Bernice is insecure and noisy. For like one hour, the movie is just a montage of Bernice and Rhyme running into each other at random places and bickering. At some point, they book the same rehearsal space and get into a physical fight over it, causing Rhyme to beat Bernice’s ass.

When two of the judges in the singing competition both girls are in start asking the contestants to sleep with them in exchange for getting ahead in the competition (threatening the ones who turn them down with elimination)…

…Bernice and Rhyme have to work together to take them down. Rhyme thinks this means that she and Bernice will finally be on good terms, but Bernice is like:

With the evil, horny competition judges vanquished, Bernice and Rhymes make it into the semi-finals and qualify for the finals. This competition’s prize money is $100,000 so you would think that a show put together by people with that kind of money would look super fancy, yeah? Well, take a look at this:

Pictured above: The venue of a singing competition with prize money of $100,000.

Jay tries to sign Rhyme to his record label and Bernice loses her entire shit when she finds out. When Jay asks Bernice why the hell she’s so pressed by Rhyme’s existence, Bernice reveals that long before Rhyme beat her in their first competition, Rhyme stole her boyfriend. We’re shown a flashback that features both actresses in two insane wigs.

Jay tells Bernice he’s sorry that happened to her but that he’s only interested in Rhyme’s talent. Upset, Bernice goes to harass Rhymes at a place that’s supposed to be a restaurant but is clearly a corner of the dining area in someone’s house.

In the next scene, Jay just shows up at Rhyme’s house and creepily demands to watch her rehearse. Rhyme is in the middle of telling him to fuck off when he grabs her face and does this:

When he’s done sucking her face, Rhyme is like:

Then Jay leaves.

Meanwhile, Bernice has been downing dozens of energy drinks to keep up with her vigorous dance rehearsals that we never see, and it eventually takes a toll on her. She keeps passing out every few minutes like Jean in the 90s X-Men cartoon. A doctor says that the energy drinks are “weakening her nerves” and that she not only needs to stop drinking them, but she also needs to abstain from strenuous activity for the next two weeks. Bernice doesn’t listen and ends up back in the hospital again a few days later. She misses the competition’s finals and Rhyme wins the $100,000.

Jay breaks into Rhyme’s house a couple of times trying to convince her to date him but each time she says no. Eventually, she caves.

And that’s all it takes for Rhyme to change her mind.

Omo, things become even more chaotic from here. Jay and Rhyme start dating even though Bernice still lives in his house. Bernice snaps and hires boys to beat Rhyme up. For some reason, Jay throws a birthday party for Bernice and Rhyme crashes it to announce that she and Jay are getting married. Jay knows nothing about this and it causes a group fight at the party. Jay keeps entertaining both women and Rhyme is furious so she decides to move into the house to “keep her eye on her man.” The movie turns into a “The Boy Is Mine” situation with Bernice and Rhyme fighting over who gets to sleep in Jay’s bedroom. Every time they fight, Jay does nothing.

Even worse, it’s made clear that he has sex with both of them at different times through all this.

During one of their fights, Jay is hit over the head with a bottle and is knocked unconscious. Rhyme hires boys to beat up Bernice. She takes the games further by tying Bernice to a chair and dropping her in the middle of the street at night. Jay gets tired of all the fighting and kicks both girls out of the house.

Yet another singing competition comes up and the girls decide that whoever wins it gets Jay. Jay has no input in this whatsoever. This new competition has a cash prize of $200,000. Please look at the stage:

While Bernice and Rhyme are battling for Jay’s heart on stage, Jay is outside exchanging saliva with some random woman.

I’m not even kidding.

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed The Wigs In The Movie, “Swallow,” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be reviewing the wigs in Kunle Afolayan’s Netflix movie, “Swallow.”

First of all, let me just say that the name of this movie is super misleading. Maybe it’s just me but for a movie named “Swallow,’ I expected to see a lot of swallowing…

“Swallow” is a movie made by Kunle Afolayan. It’s about a girl named Tolani (Niyola) who practically spends the entire movie GOING THROUGH IT. Jesus Christ. Tolani’s life is straight-up diarrhoea. She exists in 1985 Nigeria, is poor as hell, and works a dead-end job where she is constantly sexually harassed by her boss and gossipped about by her coworkers. After she loses her job and things get even harder, Tolani decides to join her best friend and roommate, Rose (Ijeoma Grace Agu), in smuggling drugs for some guy that looks like the offspring of John Okafor and early 2000s Hanks Anuku.

After trying and failing to SWALLOW the wraps of drugs she’s supposed to smuggle, Tolani is like, “What the fuck is this shit?” and decides to move back to her village to join her mother’s Adire business. Rose is determined to never give up and carries on with the plan but promptly dies on the CGI plane after the drug wraps burst open in her stomach.

I’m not even kidding.

Other stuff happens in the movie’s two hour run time, but what I just gisted you are the most important parts. The movie is…just fine. It’s too long in my opinion. Niyola acts her ass off in it and did amazing but the real star is Ijeoma Grace Agu who plays the tough Rose. In Kunle Afolayan fashion, the setting is perfect. He does an amazing job of bringing 1980s Lagos to life with props and fashion. The only things in this movie that stand out in a terrible way are the wigs. If you know me, you know I’m OBSSESSED with bad wigs.

This wig is UPSETTING me and my home girls. https://t.co/Jr4aUMTruD

— bebe babbitt (@grandpabbychuck) November 7, 2020

I love Halle but baby what is this wig? 😔 https://t.co/GtzrADAKMo

— bebe babbitt (@grandpabbychuck) April 26, 2021

Whoever Cuppy trusts to buy her wigs must be ripping her off because WHAT IS THIS HAIR PIECE? https://t.co/SuBgl0jdPy

— bebe babbitt (@grandpabbychuck) February 11, 2021

It's been 21 years and I still have nightmares about this wig. 😩 https://t.co/WZPgCaEhzQ

— bebe babbitt (@grandpabbychuck) August 1, 2021

You see the wigs in this movie? The wigs in this movie will haunt my dreams for the rest of my days. It’s like the spirit of Tyler Perry possessed both Kunle Afolayan and the person in charge of hair on set, causing them to look at the actors in the movie and say, “LET’S FUCK THESE PEOPLE UP.” That’s why I’ve brought you all here today. To talk about the crusty ass wigs in this movie because I will never know peace if I don’t.

1) This wig on Rose’s head.

This character was onscreen a lot and even though I was living for the actress’ performance, all I could think of whenever she showed up is how this wig looks like a shower cap disguised as hair. If you need a wig that will protect your real hair underneath and still somewhat look like hair if you ever get caught in the rain or decide to shower with it because you’re having shower sex with a stranger/potential love interest and you don’t want them to see you in your true form, this is the wig for you.

2) This wig on Franca’s head.

Franca’s personality and eyebrows are off-putting enough so having to gaze upon this mess on her head whenever she showed face was a real struggle. This wig is a hat. It’s a hairy hat. It looks like it’s made out of dyed cotton. If Franca ever wanders near a fire in this cap, goodbye to her.

3) These wigs on Tolani’s nameless coworkers.

They have no lines. They’re quite literally just extras but the movie’s hair person still felt the need to put both of them in wigs that look like broccoli. I couldn’t focus on the scene because of them. They’re both serving 48-year-old civil servant energy with those wigs and personally, I think they deserved better.

4) The wig on this random person they run into the club.

Bruno Mars called. He wants his hair back.

5) These wigs.

These aren’t wigs. They’re plants. These ladies are wearing vines on their heads, and I want to know who is responsible for this. Imagine having as little screentime as these two and then the hairstylist on set destroys a potted plant and places the remains on your head.

6) These sideburns, moustache, and soul patch on Sanwo.

Honestly, I can’t tell if they’re real or fake. But looking at Deyemi Okanlawon walking around the movie looking like Super Mario stressed me out.

7) This wig on Johnny’s head.

What is this wig? This wig is a rodent. Anytime he came onscreen, I half-expected the wig to squeak and jump off his head. And that side part? What did that side part achieve? Even worse, when he turns around, you can see that this wig is clearly a squirrel skin cap sitting on top of his real hair. Take a look:

That ponytail?! SKDHFKJDHFKJ!

8) This wig on OC’s head.

This wig is a helmet. If you fall off a motorcycle going at full speed while wearing this wig, your head will be just fine. It’s the road that’ll be in trouble. This is the same wig Mechad Book’s wore in that movie “A Fall From Grace.” This wig makes him look like one of the cartoon globetrotters. This wig moonlights as a sponge for washing pots.

9) This wig on the pastor’s head.

I’m losing my mind at the fact that Kunle Afolayan couldn’t score himself a good wig for this cameo. This wig is proof that God has abandoned us. This wig is what my sleep paralysis demon has on whenever it sashays from the corner of my room to choke me.

10) This wig on Godwin’s head.

I don’t…I don’t even know what this is. What is that hairline? Why are the sides levitating off his head? The wig looks like a piece of an old rug. It looks like someone glued a shit ton of pubic hair together and called it a day. This wig is going to tear a hole in the fabric of space and time, cause a black hole, and suck the whole planet in. This wig is the reason why aliens don’t want to communicate with us. I hate this wig so much.

RECOMMENDED: I Attended A Moaning Competition So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Yes, I attended THAT moaning competition so I could recap it.

It’s been almost 24 hours and I still feel dirty because of the things I heard.

15th of October, 2021.

The time is 10 pm. My coworker and homegirl, Martha, texts me this on WhatsApp:

I was confused as hell.

You see, I had been off Twitter all day so I had no idea a moaning competition was even happening. I go digging for backstory and find this:

The owner of the account even posted a picture of the prize vibrator.

That is…one hell of a fake penis.

I almost turn down Martha’s suggestion to recap it for “So You Don’t Have To” because I don’t think anyone would put themselves out there like that for just a vibrator. Also, I don’t think many people will attend because when a version of this took place on Clubhouse in 2020, the commentary on Twitter made it seem like being a part of such a thing, regardless of what role you play, is cringe.

Then I think to myself, “This is happening on Twitter Spaces. It won’t hurt to just pop in and observe for a bit.” I decide to not use my main account to join because Twitter informs your followers when you join a Space and I don’t want people to brand me as some kind of Igbo perv. I fire up my burner account and join the Space with that.

The number of people I meet in there, makes me go:

There are over 8000 listeners present and counting!

People are pouring in so fast, the host’s Twitter app starts hanging. She suggests moving the event to another app and after some deliberation, settles on Clubhouse. Many people don’t mind. A few people are not here for the virtual venue change.

Before I can get myself together to join on Clubhouse, the host has moved it back to Twitter Spaces. Why? Too many people joined the Clubhouse room and it kept crashing. This one guy is pissed.

Now, it’s no longer being hosted by the girl behind orgasm.ng’s Twitter account. I think all that activity destroyed her app or something. It’s some other guy’s account now. He’s the one moving proceedings along.

I’m just chilling in there with my burner like:

There are now over 10,000 listeners in the Space.

The host is having a hard time managing things because his Twitter keeps glitching. A few minutes pass and nothing happens. Some guy takes the mic and asks the host to hurry up because it’s late and he has other things to do. This kills me because no one is forcing him to be there. Another guy comes on to say that he may or may not already have his dick in his hands so he doesn’t want to hear men join the competition. This annoys me because it’s a classic case of cisgender heterosexual men thinking everything should cater to them.

As all this is happening, there are people on the timeline judging everyone that’s tuned in for the first-ever Moan Olympics. Here’s one of them concluding that a few thousand people coming together to enjoy themselves is the reason why Nigeria is falling apart.

And I’m just like:

Some girl says she wants to kick off the show with her sick moaning skills. When they give her the mic, she starts giggling and says she can’t moan. This girl clearly thinks we’re here to play so she gets kicked out immediately. Another girl officially kicks off the event with 20 seconds of moaning. You can tell that she’s doing her best but unfortunately, her moaning sounds like she’s sighing after a hard day’s work of lifting bricks at a construction site.

She gets props (and some money donated by a generous listener) for breaking the ice. Another girl comes on and moans like she’s having sex in her family house and is trying to be quiet so her entire extended family won’t hear.

This is me in my corner of the Space as she’s moaning:

There are now over 13,000 listeners in the Space.

An anonymous donor drops ₦100,000 as part of the prizes. Now that the prize is way more than a vibrator, guys are scrambling willing to come on. Like 4 guys come on and each one is more disappointing the last. There’s one guy who makes me laugh sha. He throws in Yoruba dirty talk and not even as a joke. It’s giving this:

The first girl says she used her fingers and a vibrator to elevate her moaning performance. The host asks her to explain her process in detail but she says that’ll cost them more money. I stan a smart money woman. People are rating the moans in the comments ,throwing up the 💯 emoji for the ones they enjoy. A girl named Skushies comes and starts moaning like white woman in a porn video. People are living for it.

There are now over 16,000 listeners in the Space.

Someone pities the first guy who moaned and gives him ₦5000. He’s so excited. A girl comes on to moan but starts talking about ENDSARS instead. She gets kicked out. A girl named Bunnie comes on and starts moaning intensely and you can hear vigorous slapping sounds in the background. Her moans are more like whispers and I imagine that this is what Nicole Kidman’s character in “Big Little Lies” would sound like during sex. People are LOVING it. I am too because I am getting my entire life. 10s across the board, baby!

A guy comes on and gives it his best but sounds like he’s either taking a particularly strong shit or getting head from someone using too much teeth. A girl named Lady Revulva comes on. I’m doubling over, cackling at her funny ass name when she launches into her moan-ologue and blows everyone away. She’s doing an amazing job! She’s giving dirty talk AND storyline! Wait. She just choked on something! I hear gagging! SKDHJFJKSHFKJDSHFK!

Me, during Lady Revulva’s performance.

There are now over 18,000 listeners in the Space!

I can’t get over how many people are in here. I feel stupid that I used a burner to do this because there are so many people I recognise from the TL in here, with their verified accounts and all. Prize money keeps flying about for the Moana-s. The host puts up a poll so people can vote for their favourite Moaning Queen. A guy named David donates ₦50,000 and asks Lady Revulva, Skushies, and Bunnie to moan for it. Note that this is separate from the overall challenge for ₦100,000. Here are my notes from this round:

“Revulva goes first and she is serving, hunty! She is giving the audience everything they want! Gagging, spitting, gluck-glucking. Oh, she’s taking it. Skushies goes next. She seems jealous of the attention Revulva is getting. She gets going, starts softly and throws in sound effects. I can hear wet slapping and it’s making me scared. I hear a gushing sound now??? WOW. It sounds like a busted pipe! The host had to stop her but he seems super impressed. Bunnie is up. She starts slow and builds up to a crescendo and screams loudly. What follows is a loud gushing sound and then total silence. Everyone is confused. No one knows what’s happened to Bunnie. After a few minutes, she comes back online and explains that she squirted so hard, the vagina water knocked the phone out of her, muting her mic in the process. Everyone is stunned. People are losing their minds on the TL.”

They set the poll for this round and Skushies wins. The host starts doing ads for people who’ve paid him money to advertise for them. One woman advertises her food service and I die laughing because it’s such a funny place to advertise food but also genius. Someone has the host play their song. The entire event starts giving radio show realness and I become tired. I glance at the clock and see that it’s 12:45 am. Damn. I’ve been at this for 2 hours and 45 minutes now. The host starts talking about another around and I decide right then that:

And with that, I fall asleep.

I wake up the next morning to find that more drama transpired while I slept. Skushies didn’t get some of her prize money and she was pissed.

The tweet she quoted (that has now been deleted) was by the host.

Martha gists me later that when the time came for Skushies to get some of her prize money, the host said it it was $100 and not ₦100,000. Even funnier, here’s how the story of the $100 ends:

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

If you’re wondering who won the overall challenge and left with the ₦100k and vibrator, it’s Bunnie.

I agree. She was my favourite.

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed The Product Placement In “Smart Money Woman” So You Don’t Have To

moaning competition moaning competition moaning competition moaning competition moaning competition

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be taking a look at the product placement in the Netflix series, “Smart Money Woman.”

All I can see in this picture is Toni Tones’ SNATCHED waist.

My original plan was to do a “So You Don’t Have To” recap of this but after watching three episodes, something else caught my attention. The product placement on the show.

“Product placement, also known as embedded marketing, is a marketing technique where references to specific brands or products are incorporated into another work, such as a film or television program, with specific promotional intent.“

Nollywood isn’t great at product placement. I still have nightmares about the super obvious product placement in “Namaste Wahala,” and that one scene from Rattlesnake (2020) where Norbert Young’s character talks about how Amstel Malta zero is good for his blood sugar.

The amstel Malta Advert in #rattlesnake is all shades of ridiculous

— Ewy baby ✨ (@SandraGee_) July 14, 2021

Yes, Nollywood throws subtlety out the window when it comes to product placement. But you see “Smart Money Woman”? This show hit a whole other level of not giving a shit. The characters practically stop mid-scene to do mini-informercials for different brands. It’s wild, it’s violent, and it’s fucking hilarious. That’s why I’ve decided to talk about some of them today.

This shot of Virgin Atlantic’s logo

This happened in the first few seconds of the show’s first episode. Production didn’t waste time at all.

This shot of Tami (Ini Dima Okojie) in front of Privé restaurant.

She stands here for the duration of her call with Zuri and the wide shot just looks funny. Like the restaurant’s exterior wasn’t enough, they had her hold two takeout bags with the logos on them. Get your money’s worth, Privé.

This weird Toke Makinwa product placement.

What even was this? This isn’t just a regular cameo because the characters acknowledge that she, in the show’s universe, is Toke Makinwa and then have a quick conversation about how no one should question how she makes a living because it’s none of their business. The first and only case of human product placement I’ve ever seen.

The scene where Zuri (Osas Ighodaro) talks to her account manager on the phone.

Like a radio jingle, the account manager pretty much lists out all the features of First Bank’s mobile app in a way that you know is more for the benefit of the audience than it is for the character she’s sharing a scene with. They even throw in a scroll screen of First Bank’s website.

The monologue was enough though.

The scene where Zuri and Tami are on a phone call doing their makeup.

In this scene, Zuri is sitting in front of her mirror, about to do her makeup. There’s a House of Tara makeup bag set up in front of her in a way that the audience can see it properly. She gets a call from Tami and when the camera cuts to Tami, Tami is getting her makeup done by a House of Tara makeup artist, wearing a House of Tara t-shirt.

This is product placement inception.

This one for Chloe’s Gourmet Popcorn.

You know what? This worked on me. I now want to eat this popcorn.

This scene.

Yay, Green Apron.

The scene where Zuri and Tami do skincare.

In this scene, Zuri and Tami are seated on the ground in front of a coffee table and Zuri just starts serving YouTube skincare influencer realness out of nowhere by talking about all the YouSkin products in front of them. The look Tami has on her face through all this mirrored mine.

“Girl, what is this?”

This scene where two characters just pause proceedings to discuss Business Day newspaper.

Shakespeare had nothing on this sponsored monologue.

Another one for First Bank.

This one for Polo Avenue.

Do people just sit around discussing how great a boutique is?

I’m not saying filmmakers shouldn’t do product placement oh. This movie business is expensive and I support getting your cash any way you can. But can you guys be subtle about it? Just a little bit? Please??

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed The Most Chaotic Nigerian Magazine Covers So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will. be reviewing super chaotic Nigerian magazine covers.

Like all other aspects of Nigerian entertainment, magazine covers have gotten better over the last two decades. Sure, there’s still room for improvement, but we’ve come such a long way from when the best we could get was the covers for Hints magazine that looked like they were made in Microsoft Paint.

99% of the things reported in this magazine were lies but we still ate it up anyway because it was juicy as hell.

Yes, magazine covers have improved. But once in a while, a cover will pop up that’ll make you scratch your head in confusion and wonder if you slept and woke up in the early 2000s, back when the super chaotic cover style of City People was the norm.

Olajumoke for House of Maliq

When Olajumoke blew up, brands and fashion houses couldn’t get enough of her. She was stunning and they used her beauty to create beautiful art. That all changed when House of Maliq got their hands on her. For their April 2017 issue, they dressed Olajumoke in a pair of trousers that looked like they were made of Big Foot’s skin, a blouse reminiscent of Pennywise’s in “It”, and what I’m sure is a Golden Girls Halloween wig.

The cast of KOB 2 for This Day Style

This Day Style got Kemi Adetiba and a few members of the KOB 2 cast for a photo shoot just after the series was released. There are other spreads from this photoshoot where they’re dressed normally and look really good. But you see this one above? This is the one they used as the main cover, which is insane because they all look like they’re dressed for wildly different occasions.

• Sola Sobowale is dressed like discount Marie Antoinette.

• Nse Ikpe-Etim is dressed like Fiona from Shrek in a Pennywise clown wig.

• Deyemi Okanlawon is dressed like nigga Shakespeare.

• Kemi Adetiba is dressed like a pastor’s wife who moonlights as a bullfighter.

• Illbliss is dressed like a 1950s drug lord.

Chioma Chuwkwuka Apotha for House of Maliq

They really did my homegirl dirty by putting her in a green poncho, a headgear made of vegetables, and then told her to pose like one of the toys in “Toy Story” whenever a human comes into Andy’s room. What was the theme here? Did the stylist hate their job, Chioma, or both? I guess we’ll never know.

Mercy and Ike for Media Room Hub

There’s too much going on here. I don’t know why but it bugs me that Mercy is barefoot. Then there’s Ike, who I’m very sure the stylist looked at and thought, “I’m going to fuck this nigga up” because what is going on with his hair? This one was even funnier because they clearly copied Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott’s cover for GQ, executed it poorly and got dragged for it.

Oge Okoye for House of Maliq

I’m guessing they couldn’t figure out a dress for her so they just stuck her in a giant duvet and called it a day? Yes. That’s definitely what happened. She did the best she could with what she was given sha and served “sultry bedroom goddess realness” so she does deserve props for that.

Kaffy for House of Maliq

These people need to be stopped at this point because what is this, and why is she holding a chicken? What was the concept for this? WHY??

Iheoma Nnadi for House of Maliq

This looks like a very Nigerian pre-wedding photoshoot gone wrong. Iheoma deserved better than this.

Tana Adelana for House of Maliq

I wonder if the person who came up with the concept for this genuinely believed they could start an apple necklace trend. I wonder if Tana felt silly doing this. I wonder who took a bite of that apple. Did they make Tana take a bite? Even worse, did they make someone else take a bit when it was already around her neck? What is that wig? I wonder…

Tania Omotoya for House of Maliq

The people at House of Maliq have to be trolling us at this point because IS THAT A FUCKING COCKROACH?! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

Whatever the fuck is going on here for House of Maliq

You know what? I’m done.

RECOMMENDED: I Read One Of Those Old Text Message Books So You Don’t Have To

Nigerian magazine covers

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Nigerian music videos are…somehow. They’ve always been somehow. And over the years, they’ve just evolved into a different kind of somehow-ness. For that reason, I’ve always wanted to include them in the “So You Don’t Have To” series, and this year, I actually did.

Here are 5 of the funniest “So You Don’t Have To” articles about Nigerian music videos I’ve written this year.

I Watched The Music Video For Styl Plus’ “Call My Name” So You Don’t Have To

For those who don’t know, Styl Plus is an R&B/Pop group that burst onto the scene in the early 2000s with their hit single, “Olufunmi.”. They were so hot at the time that all they had to do was stand on a stage and sing and people everywhere would violently cream their jeans. In 2003, they released a song titled “Call My Name” or as I like to call it, “A Tale Of How A Bunch Of Guys Creep Out A Girl In A Restaurant Just Because She’s Sitting By Herself.” The song is an eternal bop but when you pointlessly dissect it like I’m about to, the storyline is kinda weird.

Read the rest here.

I Watched The Music Video For Daddy Showkey’s “Dyna” So You Don’t Have To

Daddy Showkey (Real name: John Asiemo) is a Nigerian singer. Super famous in the 1990s, he’s a veteran performer whose style of music helped popularise the dance, Galala — or as I like to call it: That one dance that makes you look like a Victorian-era child battling cholera and polio at the same time. In 1996, he released the smash hit titled “Dyna.” The story is straightforward and cliché. It’s about a woman stripper-ly named Dyna and chronicles all the shit she puts up with trying to get pregnant. The unintentional comedy here comes from the way the events play out in the music video.

Read the rest here.

I Watched The Music Video For P-Square’s “Senorita” So You Don’t Have To

For those who don’t know, Senorita was P-Square’s first single off their debut album titled, “Last Night.” It was a smash hit and immediately catapulted them to stardom. The song is about one (or both) of the brothers mourning the death of a woman he (they?) loved.

To quote the iconic Saturday Night Live character, Stefon, the 5 minute and 28-second music video for “Senorita” has everything:

• A love triangle.
• Insane early 2000s fashion.
• A dance break in the middle of the street.
• A weird celebrity cameo you won’t see coming.
• A grass to grace story with details shrouded in mystery.
• A beautiful, gold-digging young woman named Vivian.
• A poorly-filmed accident scene that’ll have you screaming, “How the fuck did that happen?!”

Read the rest here.

I Watched The Music Video For Seyi Sodimu’s “Love Me Jeje” So You Don’t Have To

This song was everywhere. As a human living in Nigeria in the late 90s, you couldn’t avoid the song or its music video. I heard about it for the first time in Sunday school where the teacher told the class — full of children less than 10 years old — that if we listened to this song or any others like it, we were condemning ourselves to an eternity of hot girl summer in hell, right next to other people who sang secular songs, like Fela and Michael Jackson (which is insane because it would be another 12 years before Michael Jackson died). But we’re not here today to talk about my Christianity-inspired childhood trauma. We’re here to talk about the music video for “Love Me Jeje.” I wrote about the music video’s plot a while back but I will be expanding on that today.

Read the rest here.

I Watched The Music Video For Peter Okoye’s Song “Look Into My Eyes” So You Don’t Have To

Peter Okoye — who now hilariously goes by Mr P — is one half of the defunct music duo P-Square. He and his identical twin brother, Paul, burst onto the scene in 2003 and ran things (things didn’t run them) until 2017 when they had a fight and went their separate ways. In 2018, Peter released the video for a song titled “Look Into My Eyes,” proving his determination to carry on the family tradition of violently ripping off Michael Jackson.

Read the rest here.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the music video for Resonance’s “Judgement Day.”

Get a load of this album cover. Things were so simple back in the early 2000s.

Resonance was a Nigerian gospel music duo that consisted of a woman named Estar and a man named Gucheano. They sang in a mix of Igbo and English, bursting onto the music scene in 2006 and blowing minds around the country with their debut album, “Chinwe Ike.” The album was super popular and people would not shut up about it. People would go about loudly playing/singing the album’s singles “Lee Lee” and “Chinwe Ike,” which, regardless of how I’m describing it, is a good thing.

The duo eventually split to work on solo projects, but like many musical duos (e.g. P-Square), the things they worked on individually never achieved the popularity or critical claim of their first and only joint body of work. Resonance’s music was amazing but their music videos on the other hand were unintentionally hilarious, due to their low budgets and them being products of their time. So I’ve brought you all here today to make fun of them. Well, not all of them. Just one. The end-time anthem, “Judgement Day.”

The video starts with the hauntingly beautiful voice of a woman doing operatic runs while a rather harsh end-time message is shown onscreen:

Estar appears onscreen for the first time. She’s dressed in a nun’s habit and, in a weird cartoony cowboy accent, repeats the exact same message that was just displayed a few seconds ago.

When she finishes, the main song starts. Estar and her reverend sister backup dancers serve Sister’s Act 1 realness. with their choreography. It’s basic but adorable and I love it.

Gucheano (LMAO I can not take this name seriously) shows up dressed as a priest to rap the first verse. I feel horrible for admitting this but all these costumes made my mind go straight to porn parodies. Anyway, he starts rapping about how humans need to stop sinning because Jesus is coming soon and is going to be pissed as hell if he finds everyone stealing, killing, and fornicating. The lyrics are fine but his flow is giving early 2000s Eedris Abdulkareem (i.e. sounding hella cringe because he’s trying and failing to sound American).

While he’s rapping, Estar and her reverend sister backup dancers don’t have anything to do so they just sway in the background.

The second verse is where things take a turn a turn for the truly chaotic by going into church drama mode. Gucheano is chilling in his living room when he gets a phone call…

…from SATAN.

Satan is fabulously dressed in a black and red cloak, a 90s T-Boz wig, and enough eyeliner to put Boy George to shame. Even funnier than Satan’s outfit is what is happening behind him. The sight of him casually making a phone call while the souls of the damned writhe in pain behind him due to hellfire is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen.

Satan offers Gucheano a shit ton of money in exchange for his soul but Gucheano says:

This pisses Satan off so much that he appears in Gucheano’s living room and is like:

Satan conjures dollars out of thin to further tempt Gucheano, and when that doesn’t work, throws fame into the mix.

Gucheano reads Satan for filth and tells him to get out because his soul belongs to Master Jesus. Realising that this deal will never click, Satan rolls his eyes and is like:

Then he leaves.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “Sharon Stone,” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 2002 Nollywood movie, “Sharon Stone.”

That tagline is killing me.

Back in the early 2000s, I imagine that a Nollywood producer saw the Hollywood movie “Basic Instinct” starring Sharon Stone and said, “You know what would make a lot of money? A Nigerian movie based on the notoriety Sharon Stone gained for her role in ‘Basic Instinct.’ The main character’s name will be Sharon, and even though her last name won’t be Stone, I’ll name the movie ‘Sharon Stone.’ What does the real Sharon Stone want to do? Sue me? Someone get Genevieve on the phone, tell her…”

So here we are 19 years later.

The movie starts with Sharon (Genevieve Nnaji) and her boyfriend, Henry, having a fight. Sharon is leaving his house angrily because he has confronted her with cheating allegations.

Henry decides that he doesn’t want to put up with Sharon’s shit anymore so he drives her home and breaks up with her, asking her to return all the things he’s bought her. In retaliation, Sharon tosses all his things on the road and very loudly calls him poor.

Sharon’s best friend and housemate, Kate (Steph-Nora Okere), hears the noise and comes out to find out what the fuck is going on. Sharon complains that she broke up with Henry because he accused her of cheating. When Kate points out that Sharon has indeed been cheating, Sharon admits but says Henry definitely has no proof because she covers her cheating tracks well. Kate is just like:

Even though Sharon has a steady boyfriend in school named Dallas (Emeka Eyiocha), she’s also bumping genitals with a rich older man named Chief Uche (Peter Bruno). One day while she’s hanging out with Dallas in front of her house…

…when Chief Uche shows up, forcing Sharon to think on her feet.

And when Chief Uche asks who the guy she was hanging out with is, she says:

Chief Uche is like:

But he ultimately buys her story. While Sharon is busy juggling men, her friend, Kate, is being cheated on. Kate goes to visit her boyfriend, Kalu and finds him in bed with another woman.

Kate returns home crying, and when Sharon finds out what has happened, she does this”

Then she explains why she operates the way she does:

Sharon gets word that the brother of an old secondary schoolmate named Tony (Kunle Coker) is now a Colonel in the army and is doing pretty well for himself so she decides to add a third man to her roster and sets her sights on him. She goes to visit the old secondary school friend and uses that as an excuse to get close to Tony.

Her plan works and not long after, they’re at a restaurant doing this:

Sharon’s exploits reach a fever pitch when she’s forced to have sex with all three of her boyfriends in one day just to keep them from finding out about each other. To avoid the boyfriends clashing, she later starts a fight with Dallas so he won’t come for her birthday party and convinces Chief Uche to travel out of the country so only Tony will attend.

Dallas eventually finds out that Sharon has been playing him and goes to her house to yell at her. Sharon attempts to shout her way out of the situation, and when that doesn’t work because Dallas is super pissed, she locks herself inside the house and calls Chief Uche to come with the police, claiming that the president of her department (a call back to her earlier lie) is trying to rape her.

This is where things become truly chaotic.

Chief Uche puts Dallas in prison for days and refuses to let him go. Sharon worries that if Dallas dies there, his blood will be on her hands. So she goes to Tony (who is a colonel in the army) and claims that Dallas is her cousin who is being detained illegally by a man (Chief Uche) trying to steal Dallas’ wife. Tony sends some soldiers to bring Chief Uche to the barracks to be beaten. During the interrogation, both Tony and Chief Uche find out that they’ve been bamboozled.

They bring Dallas in together and they all put the pieces together. They hatch a plan to screw Sharon over. Tony meets with Sharon and says he forgives her, asking for her hand in marriage so they can fly to the United States and live happily ever after. Sharon sees this as an opportunity to avoid all the other men she’s deceived so she says yes.

Fast forward to the wedding and Tony never shows up at the church. Sharon goes to his house to find out what has happened and she meets Tony, Dallas, and Chief Uche drinking beer and playing Checkers. They all turn to look at her, decked in her incredibly early 2000s wedding dress and do this:

Sharon can’t stand the humiliation and passes out. The men don’t even bother to check if she’s ok. They just go back to playing their game.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched Episode 1 Of “Assistant Madams” Season 2 So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be recapping the first episode of the second season of “Assistant Madams.”

This obviously haphazardly put together poster is making me lose my mind.

“Assistant Madams” premiered on RedTv’s YouTube channel on the 15th of January 2020. The first season follows the lives of three hustling ladies, played Sophie Alakija, Osas Ighodaro, and Tana Egbo-Adelana, who are hell-bent on living their best lives at any cost, one married man at a time. Even though the plot wasn’t groundbreaking, it sounded fun, everyone flocked to watch it.

And it sucked.

Just finished the first episode of Assistant Madams, and it’s magnificent.
I’ve never seen a show get EVERYTHING wrong quite like this.
A masterclass in making garbage.

— Daniel Orubo (@NerdEfiko) January 18, 2020

The entire first season was critically panned so I assumed that would be the end. Well, file this one under life proving to me that I know nothing because the second season just premiered. I decided to see if the show had gotten better by watching the first episode and I’m disappointed to announce that it hasn’t.

It’s somehow gotten worse.

The show starts with Osas Ighodaro (who played the role of Chioma in the first season) giving us the worst voice-over narration I have ever heard. She introduces us to this season’s Assistant Madams, starting with a girl named Lulu (Dillish Matthews). In her first scene, Lulu is shown talking to her mother on the phone. Even though she states in the conversation that it’s super early in the morning and she’s only just woken up, she’s wearing a Diana Ross wig and her face is BEAT FOR THE GODS.

Things take a turn for the disgustingly horrifying when the call ends and it’s revealed that the entire time she’s been on the phone, her boyfriend named Priye (Mawuli Gavor) has been violently eating her hairy snail.

Next, we’re introduced to Cassie (Cee C), who is saddled with a fuck buddy named Tochi (Eso Dike). In her first scene, she’s just finished a genital meet & greet with Tochi and is trying to take a nap (with a full face of makeup and wig) when she opens her eyes to find him taking pictures of her. Cassie is understandably creeped out by this and is like:

It’s revealed, through exposition-laden dialogue, that they used to date but Cassie broke up with him six months and three weeks prior to the start of the series for being a clingy creep. Yes, six months and three weeks. I wasn’t joking when I said their interaction was exposition-heavy. He’s so much of a creep that when she storms off angrily, he sniffs her underwear and then takes a picture with it.

The next Assistant Madam is Amira (Salma Mumin). She’s a digital media consultant who has decided to supplement her income by dating a rich man named Chief Adeniyi (Femi Branch). Here’s what’s happening the first time we see them:

We’re later introduced to Demide (Demola Adedoyin), Chief Adeniyi’s son and Amira’s former best friend. Demide despises Amira for dating his father and never tries to hide it.

We’re shown the series’ opening sequence and it’s just a minute-long clip of the cast twirling and smiling in a poorly lit studio while their names pop up on the screen in an illegible font that looks like it was written by a stressed-out chicken. I dare you to decipher what this says without googling.

It doesn’t count if you already knew the actress’ name.

We get back to the show and it’s the morning of Lulu’s birthday. Priye gives her a diamond necklace as a birthday present, which she loves but angrily tosses in his face, saying that what she really wants for her birthday is for him to make their relationship official. Priye sweet-talks his way out of having the conversation by sucking on her lips.

Unsurprisingly, all the Assistant Madams are friends and gather for Lulu’s birthday party i.e the most unconvincingly staged party ever put on film. It’s strange because unlike a lot of Nollywood productions, the extras at this party did an amazing job. It was just weirdly filmed. Anyway, we find out at this party that Lulu’s boyfriend, Priye, is the husband of her best friend, Nana (Joselyn Dumas). Priye comes to pick Nana up from the party and he and Lulu pretend not to know each other.

Cassie is having a drink by herself at Mykonos On The Roof (come through, paid partnership!) when Tochi shows up acting normal but quickly devolves into his trademark creepiness. A guy named Osaze (Timini Egbuson) comes to her rescue and they have a flirtatious conversation that’s really only in the script to pad out the episode’s run time.

Lulu goes over to Nana’s house for a special birthday dinner where this happens:

We cut to Amira and Demide. Chief Adeniyi has given Amira a digital advertising gig for his company and she has to work with Demide on it because he’s the company’s General Manager. After a short conversation where Demide acknowledges that he misses the friendship they had before Amira started bumping genitals with his father, they start having sex and the episode ends.

There you have it, folks. If you were intrigued by this episode and you want to see more, go watch the rest yourself because I am done.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The 2020 Nollywood Movie, “Nneka The Pretty Serpent,” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the Nollywood movie, “Full Moon.”

Long before Fox gave us the first X-Men movie, Chico Ejiro gave us “Full Moon,” a movie about a discount mutant named Lucy ( Regina Askia), who gets her powers from the full moon…because she was born under a full moon.

The movie’s opening scene is set at night and I can’t see anything because the lighting is poor as shit. I have to strain my eyes and go by sounds, and from what I can gather, a man named James and his heavily pregnant wife, Edna, are chilling in their mud house in the village when three men attack them. Edna sees James get overpowered and is like:

She jumps out of the window and tries to run but goes into stress-induced labour. Out of nowhere, a full moon that looks suspiciously like a torchlight held behind a white table cloth shows up and shines inappropriately bright rays on her as she’s screaming in pain.

Edna’s neighbour and sister-in-law, Julie (Dolly Unachukwu), hears her screaming and goes to see wetin dey sup. Julie finds Edna, kneels right next to her, and asks a very stupid question:

Girl, can’t you see she’s having a baby by herself in the middle of the bush??

Edna gives birth to a baby girl and dies, but not before she asks Julie to raise the child as her own. As soon as this happens, I’m like, “What kind of gbese is this??!” Julie is a better person that me sha because she agrees and takes the baby home to her husband, P.J (Sola Fosudo). They decide to keep her and name her Lucy. James’ brothers, Uncle (Pete Edochie), Tony (Peter Bruno), and Daniel (Kanayo O Kanayo), show up at P.J and Julie’s house to say they’ve heard the news of James and Edna’s deaths. When Julie says they should investigate (because they’re in positions of power in the village), Uncle says no. This is his reason:

And I’m like, “Negative attention from who?!”

It’s revealed after this that all the brothers jointly own an oil-rich plot of land in the village, which all of them, except James, want to sell. After James’ burial, the others sell the land to a white man and cash out. It’s also revealed that they orchestrated James’ murder so they could sell the land.

10 years later, Lucy is asleep in her room when the full moon shows face and is like:

How the moon was shining so bright in a room with no windows will forever be a mystery.

Lucy goes outside and this happens:

I take this to mean that her mutant powers have been activated, and I’m proven right in the next scene. Julie is bringing Lucy a plate of soup when she trips and falls. This causes Lucy to go into discount Jean Grey mode by suspending the plate of soup in the air, leaving Julie to fall flat on her ass.

Julie is fucking terrified so she does what old Nollywood mothers do when their child exhibits any strange behaviour. She takes Lucy for deliverance.

After the prayer, the pastor asks Lucy if she saw or felt anything during the prayer. Lucy says nothing but stares at him in a way that feels like she wants to say:

The pastor realises that there’s nothing he can do so he sends them home, convincing Julie that Lucy has been healed.

15 years later, P.J and Julie are now super rich and live in a big house that looks like it was decorated by a 53-year old Igbo man. On Lucy’s 25th birthday, they buy her a car, and she’s so excited, she ditches her birthday party to go on a joy ride with her friend. When they get back to Lucy’s house, they’re attacked at the gate by knife-wielding men who attempt to rape them in the middle of the street. At that moment, the full moon shows up and is like:

Then this happens:

The entire time the guy was being roasted, I was screaming, “Fuck him up, sis! UP FEMCO!!!”

We find out that Julie and P.J are having marital problems caused by P.J’s refusal to stop sexing up his secretary. When Julie confronts him, he says he’s eating hairy snails outside their home because she never had a child for him. When Julie says they have Lucy, P.J says:

What neither one of them knows is that Lucy is eavesdropping on their conversation.

After finding out she’s adopted, she demands to know who her real parents are and what happened to them. When she gets all the tea from Julie, she gets angry and kills Tony (one of the men who orchestrated her parents’ death) by zapping him out of existence!

Wanda Maximoff is SHAKING!

Lucy goes to Julie and says…

…and Julie convinces her that everything will be ok. But that’s not true. Because after that, someone starts trying to kill Lucy. The person locks her in the bathroom and pumps it full of smoke in an attempt to serve Nazi gas chamber realness. The next attempt happens when Lucy is driving down a lonely road at night and a bus blocks her car. Instead of her to reverse and drive in the other direction, she gets down from her car and starts running down the street.

Before Bryce Dallas Howard ran from a T-Rex in pump heels in “Jurassic World,” Regina Askia ran from a danfo in chunky heels in “Full Moon.”

Lucy goes to kill Greg, another one of her parents’ murderers, by turning him into chalk (?) I don’t know. Look at this:

After Greg’s death, the rest of the brothers realise that someone is picking them off one by one. So they go to a Babalawo dressed in the Nigerian flag and he reveals why they’re being killed and who’s doing it.

Lucy, who has no idea that her uncles now know she’s the killer, is chilling in her living room when gun men break into the house and kidnap her. She later finds out that P.J is behind the kidnapping, and when she calls him daddy, he’s like:

He reveals that he’s the one who’s been trying to kill her. He then orders the kidnappers to kill her and dump her body in a lagoon. However, the moon comes through for Lucy and she sets all of them on fire. P.J goes to a mysterious island to find out how he can successfully kill Lucy. On his way to see the “wise one,” he encounters the weirdest shit. Like a giant snake that was obviously cut out of a Nat Geo wild documentary:

And a cannibal forest tribe, who sacrifice a girl to their god: A giant brown chicken.

The wise one tells him that because he and his brothers brought this on themselves, they need

Typical of a Nigerian parent. They’d rather die/commit murder than apologise to their kid.

He decides not to shoot because he doesn’t want her blood to mess up his expensive floors. Julie tries to intervene but he threatens to shoot her too. Julie knocks P.J over the head with a chair (WWE style) and she and Lucy run outside. P.J follows them and is about to shoot when the moon (who’s a fucking character and deus ex machina at this point) shows face again. Lucy harnesses the moon’s power and turns P.J into a pillar of salt.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The 2020 Nollywood Movie, “Nneka The Pretty Serpent,” So You Don’t Have To