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  • I Wish I Had an Elder Sister

    On one random Monday morning, as my mother forbade me from wearing a backless dress, I realised I needed back up. 

    For the past month, I’ve had a crisis that boils down to the fact that a lot of girls my age have a cheat code in life. That cheat code is known as an elder sister. 

    All my life, I’ve had to navigate everything on my own. I never had a big sister to warn me about the dating scene in the Sodom and Gomorrah called Lagos state, about men who exist to cause you nothing but stress and friendships that can’t last longer than the brunches and instagram pictures. 

    RELATED: 7 Nigerian Women Share the Worst Thing a Friend Has Done to Them

    Many heartbreaks and breakdowns later, I have gathered a few lessons myself. Imagine if I didn’t have to go through all of that, if I had a sister I could tell about all the stupid messages I was receiving at 2 a.m., and who’d have slapped some sense into my head?

    She’d have gone on dates and told me the places to avoid, the best places to meet people, and how she gets access to places not everyone had access to. She’d tell me how to notice jealous friends, and my heart would have been spared a lot of damage. It’s like having a guide book from a happening babe that understands your situation. 

    I’d also never have to worry about clothes. Currently, my mum and I share clothes, but she’s over thirty years older than me. Is she the one I’ll be borrowing bad bitch clothes from? The clothes from her bad bitch days that she still has can’t fit me. I’m distressed every single time she offers me one of her dresses. Where’d I wear her lace maxi dresses with puffy shoulders? I understand that she’s just doing her best, but it just doesn’t work. 

    RELATED: 9 Nigerian Women Talk About Their Relationship With Their Sister

    I long for moments when I can borrow clothes from someone only a few years older than me. Someone who’d style me and use me to practise her makeup skills while also teaching me a thing or two. I’m 20 years old, and I don’t know what a fucking primer is. It’s not that I didn’t want to know, but I never had access to these things when people my age did. Now, I’m scouring the internet for videos and tips, but it doesn’t work like that. It’s not clicking, and I am losing my mind. 

    Every time my mother complains a dress of mine is too revealing, I wish I had someone to cover for me. Not just with the outfits, but with staying out late, going to see my friends and just calming my mum down when she’s vexing with me. If I try to calm her down myself after I’ve fucked up, she’d deck me. Why would I put myself in a situation to collect random decking? 

    Having an elder sister is like having your own cheerleader, best friend, second mum, teacher and confidant. I have to look for all of these things in different people, and to say I’m not jealous of those who have them in one person is a lie. 

    Obviously, I know not all elder sisters act the same, and I might have fought mine every day, and twice on Sundays, but she’d be my sister. 

    I crave a connection like that, but since I can’t have one, I’m going to have to continue figuring life out, one hard lesson at a time. 

    RELATED: I’m Lonely and Sometimes Wish I Had a Larger Family 

    Zikoko is launching a new series where we explore those friendships, familial and romantic relationships that are no longer sailing. 

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • From Sister to Aunty: 9 Unmissable Signs You’re Getting Older

    Growing older is a fun thing, but sometimes we don’t realise just how much we’ve grown. Here’s why we have some unmissable signs that show you’ve grown older. 

    1) People put “Aunty” before your name

    Once upon a time, the people younger than you referred to you as “sister”. Now, those same people call you “Aunty”. In fact, the number of people calling you “Aunty” have increased.

    2) You know all the family secrets

    When your parents randomly start spilling tea about your family to you, that’s a huge sign that you’ve grown older. At least, with age comes the knowledge that the cousins you thought died actually ran away to marry each other.

    3) Tiny purses switch to big bags

    The older you get, the bigger your bags. Gone are the days you’d be going for a quick lunch and you’d walk around with tiny purses and mini bags. Now, you carry bags that have things ranging from your laptop, to your medication.

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    4) Most of your hangouts with friends are at children’s birthday parties and owambes

    It’s basically impossible to have all your friends together in one place now — except that place is a child’s birthday party. The older you get, the more children’s parties and owambes you’re invited to. You’ll probably even attend more children’s parties as an older “aunty” than when you were a child. 

    RELATED: 7 Types of Nigerian Aunties at an Owambe 

    5) Collecting Abayas like infinity stones

    It starts with you buying one in a simple colour like black or brown. Before you know it, you’re hoarding enough to be called Josephine with the coats of many colours. They become your goto more for comfort than for style.

    6) Your phone rings a lot at the end of the month 

    Gone are the days when you were a baby girl living off of your family members. Now, it’s their turn to live off of you. The older you get, the stronger the hold black tax has on your neck. 

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    7) Nigerian Aunty phrases are all that’s in your vocabulary 

    Once you start telling children, “Do you remember me?” or complaining that their noise is too loud”, then you’re fully manifesting 30+ energy. You’ve basically metamorphosed into a Nigerian Aunty and we’re proud of you. 

    RELATED: 8 Types of Nigerian Aunties You Know

    8) Brunch is your favourite meal of the day 

    Not only is that when you can take a break from work, but also when you can quickly catch up with your girlfriends that work near you. Plus, you’re kuku too busy for any other meal of the day. 

    9) They start using you as role model 

    People start telling their children to be more like you, to learn from you and whatnot. You that you’re still trying to figure out this life thing? It’s just that they don’t know you’re very good at acting like everything is okay. It’s fake life please.

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    Itohan Esekheigbe

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