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Jessica* (24) started her relationship with her fiancé as his side chick. She talks about falling for him before finding out he had a girlfriend, becoming close when the main chick relocated and deciding to choose her own happiness.
This is Jessica’s story, as told to Boluwatife
Image source: Pexels
Before you judge me, I didn’t set out to be anyone’s side chick, but as they say, life comes at you fast.
I met Jacob* in November 2019 at the NYSC Orientation Camp in Iyana Ipaja, Lagos. We were both part of the Batch “C” stream, and I noticed him at the Cultural Day Carnival. I can’t remember how we started talking, but I remember thinking, “I really like this guy”. He schooled in the East, and it was his first time in Lagos. Because I was born and bred here, he was fascinated by my stories.
We exchanged phone numbers and kept in touch even after the orientation ended. The initial Place of Primary Assignment (PPA) placement struggle meant we were too busy to talk for the first few weeks after camp. The day we finally met up was the day I realised I’d already fallen for him. It was also the day I discovered he had a girlfriend.
He’d mentioned Michelle* (his girlfriend) a few times in our messages, but I just assumed it was the sister he told me he was staying with in Lagos. Anytime he mentioned her name while we were chatting, it was usually along the lines of, “Michelle just got back from work” or “Michelle is disturbing me about doing chores in the house”. Maybe I just didn’t want to see what he wasn’t expressly saying.
I had invited Jacob to a beach hangout my friends were having, and he came with Michelle. It was there he introduced her to me as his girlfriend. When I was already in a “casual relationship” with this guy in my head! Apparently, he’d told Michelle about me too — the friend he met at NYSC camp — and honestly, she was very friendly. I felt guilty about allowing myself to develop feelings for someone who hadn’t outrightly said anything. So, even though I believe everyone is single and fair game till they get legally hitched, I decided to give Jacob some distance. Besides, he hadn’t shown any serious interest in me.
RELATED: 6 Clear Signs a Nigerian Man Is Madly in Love With You
Spoiler alert, the distance didn’t work. Jacob noticed it and pestered me for a reason. How blind can men be? I finally gave in and told him I had feelings for him on New Year’s Day 2020. He was speechless, so I told him I knew he had a girlfriend and was already putting the feelings behind me.
Michelle relocated to be with family in the US that same January, and the distance started to take a toll on their relationship. Jacob would rant to me about their increasing fights and the different time zones weren’t helping matters. One of their more serious fights was about their future and the possibility of Jacob relocating. But he is pro-Nigeria. He could visit other countries but didn’t see himself living elsewhere permanently. Michelle thought otherwise, and sometimes, I’d come in to advise them to be patient with each other.
At the same time, Jacob and I got closer. Since he was always telling me about his Michelle issues, he spent more time at my place. I lived alone, and my flat was closer to where he worked in Ikeja, so it made sense. Then on my birthday in March, he kissed me. I was elated, of course, but I wanted to make sure he did it because he wanted to and not because Michelle wasn’t around. He told me he was developing feelings for me but needed to figure out what he wanted.
Then lockdown happened, and somehow, we spent the entire time together in my place. We got even more intimate and basically became an item. He was still with Michelle, but only because he wanted to break up with her in person and not over the phone. It was well and truly a side chick situation, but I refuse to be ashamed. I’d suppressed my feelings when I learnt he was with her, and even played the good friend. He came to me on his own when he realised they weren’t compatible.
RELATED: A Side Chick’s Guide for When the Partner Finds Out
I reduced my communication with Michelle to avoid getting involved in giving relationship advice or answering questions about Jacob’s changed attitude. She must’ve noticed my coldness but I tried my best not to give it much thought and just focus on being happy with Jacob. I knew he spoke with her and had to be as loving as possible — when they weren’t fighting — so she wouldn’t know he’d mentally checked out, but it was me he was with, so it didn’t matter.
The situation continued for about a year until she visited home in April 2021, and Jacob finally ended the relationship. In the end, it was a mutual break-up. She didn’t see herself returning to Nigeria permanently, so she didn’t think they had a future together anymore. I’m not sure if she knows I’m with Jacob now — I tend to avoid bringing her up with him — but she’ll definitely know soon because we’re now engaged.
Jacob popped the question on Christmas Day 2022, and I said yes. We’re very much in love, and I look forward to spending forever with him. In life, shit happens. You never know when shit will get thrown at you. People say, “Don’t let your partner keep you from finding the love of your life”. What about not letting your happiness slip away just because someone got there first?
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
NEXT READ: Perfectionism Is Ruining My Life
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Sometimes, cheating partners get sloppy. An unlocked phone here, a wrong text there, and your position as their side chick gets exposed. As a side chick, you have to always stay ready, because it can happen at any time.
From information shared with us from side chicks, here’s the line of action to take once your position as a side chick has been compromised.
If you’re in a relationship, make sure your partner is aware
They might be tempted to “expose” you to your own partner. Beat them to it. That way, there’ll be no news to break, and they can’t “ruin” your own life.
Assess your partner’s main partner and their friends
Remember everything you’ve heard about their partner. That way, you can assess the kind of action they might take if they found out about you. If the person is known to be crazy, you might need to change states. Your due diligence should also include their friends. Once you’ve done that, you can carry out the next line of action.
RELATED: QUIZ: How Many Side Pieces Do You Have?
Don’t sub them on social media
Subbing the partner will only cause problems for you. Don’t post lyrics that relate even remotely to romance and love. Stick to Portable.
Don’t lock your social media accounts
Leave your account wide open. Locking it means you have something to hide. You don’t. They’ll go through your account to find hints that you were being used to cheat. Let them. It could be their own form of closure. Plus, they found out before you, so they’ve already created a locked burner account to follow you.
RELATED: 12 Nigerian Women Share Their Experience as Side Chicks
Post your hottest picture
The main chick might be tempted to say things like, “Look at this ugly fool they cheated on me with”. You’re many things, but ugly isn’t one of them so post and shut that part down. This is the only thing you should do that’s remotely related to a statement on the matter and make sure you don’t use a shady caption.
Don’t post your location
People can be tempted to move like evil spirits, and you don’t want your white to be stained in public. If you’re at an event, make sure you’re with people who won’t let some random fight you outside, just in case.
Travel
On second thought, once the news breaks out, go on leave and travel to a new location for at least two days. Your enemies might try, but don’t allow them to use their own to spoil yours.
RELATED: Be a Side Chick With a Difference by Following These 8 Rules
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There are many side chicks in this world, but how many of them actually have the fear of God? If you want to stand out from the rest, you need to follow our advice to the end.
Don’t drag attention with the main
The time you should see your partner should be times when the main chick has more important things to do. Don’t demand to meet on Valentine’s Day or Christmas. Know your place.
Pray for the main chick
Keep the main not only in your thoughts but in your prayers too. At the end of the day, if she has money and is in good health, she’ll not demand your person’s attention so much.
RELATED: 15 Things You’ll Get if You’ve Ever Been a Nigerian Man’s Side Chick
Learn the main chick’s love language
You need to learn her love language so you can help your partner love her better. You don’t want a situation where the main chick spends all their time upset and confused. No, you need her happy and feeling pleasant so she would have fewer reasons to be suspicious.
Help plan dates and surprises for the main chick
Sometimes, buy her gifts with your own money. Make sure she knows how much her (your) partner loves and appreciate her.
RELATED: QUIZ: How Many Side Pieces Do You Have?
If there are children involved, volunteer to babysit
If you babysit so the couple can spend time together on dates and activities, he’d remember why he has a side in the first place.
Help her cheat
She too might want a little something on the side. You’re not there to judge but instead to help her pull it off smoothly. Help create lies for her and to also keep her partner busy so she can meet her own side piece.
Defend her
Make sure you create an environment where he doesn’t feel comfortable disrespecting her. Whenever he complains, try to make him see her side of things. Women should always stick together.
Don’t taunt her on social media
Unnecessary provocation will do nothing but cause fights. The partner may be asked to choose a side and you may not be the chosen one. Just post your gifts and trips in peace. Leave her out of it.
RELATED: 12 Nigerian Women Share Their Experience as Side Chicks
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Have you ever wondered why and how some women become side chicks? If they regret it or how they felt when they found out? Well, these twelve Nigerian women share their experience as side chicks.
Amaka, 27
I was 21 and had just gotten out of University. I met him at my best friend’s party at a club. He was the friend of my other friend’s boyfriend. He was hitting on me the entire night, and we eventually left the club together. We decided to get a hotel room and on the way to the hotel right in the middle of the bridge at about 3:30am, he told me he was married. I was very horny and it was late, but honestly even if he told me during the day I would have still gone ahead. The next morning, we said our goodbyes and I never planned on seeing him again, but he kept calling me and sending his friend to me. I eventually saw him again and we started a proper relationship where I was his girlfriend.
There were times his wife would call him and I’ll be riding him. I even remember a time he was on the phone with his father in law and we were having sex. We kept seeing each other even after his wife got back. I never disrespected her, and neither did he. I was just in my own corner, and I never wanted her husband to myself or anything. The sex was amazing, and that’s all I wanted from him. We never even talked about her. Sometimes, I even forget she exists. It wasn’t like we were sharing a man. It was one man for both of us. I never felt guilty.
Mary, 31
I was serving in Uyo at the time, but we started talking when I visited a friend in Lagos. He was good to me and the sex was amazing. When I had to choose between moving to Lagos or Abuja, I chose Lagos mainly because of him. When I moved, he casually mentioned he was seeing another woman and I was heartbroken. She was richer than me and they had been dating for about two years before me so I was not expecting him to dump her for me. While we were together, he would never let his phone ring and he never mentioned her. When we were together, I was the only girl. Eventually, she broke up with him by getting married to another man.
Patricia, 26
I did not know she was seeing someone else until the fourth date. While we were hanging out, she got a call and asked me to not speak. I found it weird because the first time we met was at her cousin’s house, so I knew she didn’t care about people knowing about me. After the call, I asked who it was and she said it was her girlfriend. I was obviously shocked cause I had no idea, but she quickly followed up with how she wanted a black girl she could hang with and could understand her. I knew I was not trying to get into a relationship so I just agreed and never asked about the girlfriend. Eventually, I found out it was actually her fiancé.
Linda, 21
I thought I had found the one, but apparently not. One day I went to visit him and she came and met me there. When I got home, I asked who the girl was and he said it was his girlfriend. He told me he thought I knew he had a girlfriend? How was I supposed to know? I was hurt when I found out, but it is in the past.
Jasmine, 22
I knew I was a side chick from the beginning. Technically I also had a boyfriend at the time, so he was my side as well. I felt very guilty, and I honestly believe I got my karma back. We started dating after he ended his relationship, and he ended up cheating on me with different women for the entire length of our two year relationship. I still really regret it, and I wouldn’t advise anyone to do it.
Titi, 25
I always know I am a side chick. I walk into it with my eyes wide open. Currently, I even am a side chick. I met the first one when I was still in school. We were “together” for two years. Met the current one through a mutual friend a few months ago. It’s going okay, and since I am on my way to catching feelings it will soon be time to tap out. I never feel guilty because I’m not the one committed to anybody. It might also be because I’ve been quite desensitized from relationships. I know if I was the woman I won’t really care.
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Wendy, 23
I went clubbing with a friend and her boyfriend in 2017. I got so drunk, I went home with a stranger to have my first one night stand. A few days later, a strange number started texting me repeatedly, and it was Dan*. He said he was friends with my friend’s boyfriend and he wanted us to spend the night together. I was very pissed, so I told him never to text me again. He probably realized that he fucked up, so he apologized. I still wasn’t interested in hanging out with him, but we started texting once in a while. He asked to hang out a couple of times, and I refused every time. Until one Friday evening, I was really bored in my apartment so I just decided to go. We hung out at a bar, went to a club after, and even had sex at the club.
About 6 months into our relationship, he confessed that he got my number from the guy I had a one night stand with. Apparently, they were childhood friends and had a WhatsApp group. The guy had told everyone in the group that he had an amazing night and a threesome with some girls he had met at the club (We never had a threesome). I was already in love with him at that time, so although I was angry I let it slide. I don’t feel guilty because I honestly don’t think anyone can understand me as much as he does. What we have isn’t just sexual. He has been there for me through all the worst times of all my life and I don’t know how I’d be doing if I didn’t have him.
I don’t want him to leave his wife for me because I know what we have is temporary. Although my relationship with him affects my romantic relationship with other people, I know that we have to move on from each other soon. I’m still young and trying to get my life together, so I’m not bothered. Plus, he’s like a senior colleague. He studied the same thing I did in university and is quite successful in that field. He’s helping me a lot with my career. One day we’ll no longer be together, but he’s my best friend so I hope we’ll always remain friends.
Wunmi, 22
I’ve not had any drama of anyone calling me to leave their man because I usually “chop and clean mouth”. I don’t call the man after 7pm, I don’t text first unless I need to, and I act like I don’t know him whenever I see him in public. That way everyone is happy; my bills are being paid, he’s getting his orgasms, and his wife is happy in her illusion.
Zainab, 20
We were friends with benefits for about three months, and one day after we had sex she just casually mentioned how she was going to her girlfriend’s house. I was shocked because she never mentioned a girlfriend to me. Technically I had a girlfriend at the time too, but it was an open relationship and my friend with benefits was aware. She asked me if I wanted to end the relationship, but I said no. After I found out she had a girlfriend, it was like the sex got better. The thought of being caught was so exciting.
Ginika
I was working as an intern, and this guy I worked with kept coming on to me. He was seven years older and wasn’t even my type, but I enjoyed the pursuit. Eventually we started seeing each other, but I went back to school. While in school, I would to go to his house for the weekend. One day, I asked him about a lady I kept seeing on his phone. He said they were just friends. Three months later while stalking his IG, I saw the same babe on his phone. I followed her and she accepted my follow request almost immediately. The first post on her page was a picture of them doing introduction. I felt like I was going to die. I also had an exam the next day, and I wonder how I passed. When I confronted him about it, he told tell me it was because I was so awesome he was afraid to let me go.
Oganya, 31
The first guy I am a side chick for was actually my boyfriend first. He cheated on me and then I stepped back. Eventually, he got married, but he found me one day and begged to remain in my life. I am happier here because he tells me somethings I know would have annoyed me if I was his wife. The second is just a friend of mine I have sex with. Both of them put me on to things that matter and I am really thankful for them. I don’t regret anything, and these men are my whole heart.
Yinka, 32
I was in the University in Accra and he worked in an oil company. I knew he was married from the beginning, but he kept talking about how he wished he had met me earlier and all that. I felt guilty. He was the first person I ever fell in love with, and I still subconsciously use him as a yardstick. Nobody has still been able to measure up because he was the complete package. He planned dates, staycations, cooked together and he taught me how to enjoy sex. I also chopped his dollars very well. We were always together.
The second time wasn’t even supposed to be a relationship. I was recovering from my heartbreak from the last man, and he was going through a rough marriage. We dated for three years, but his wife found out. We live in the same estate and I see her sometimes, but everyone will be alright eventually.
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If you’ve ever been the side chick to a Nigerian man, then you’ll definitely recognise a few of these struggles, from waiting to be promoted to ‘main chick’ to being introduced as his “friend”.
1. When you go to confront his side chick and find out you’re the side chick.
It can pain.
2. When you go through his phone and see your number saved as ‘Tunde Mechanic’.
See my life.
3. How he takes pictures with you:
Hian. Am I smelling?
4. When you tell him you’re falling for him.
Better stand up.
5. When you call him your boyfriend.
Nothing. I didn’t say anything.
6. When he introduces you to his guys as his “friend”.
Friend ke?
7. When his friends ask if you’re the Nkem he is always talking about, but your name is Chioma.
Uhm! Actually…
8. When you post a picture of him on Instagram and he calls you to delete it.
No vex.
9. How he looks at you when you ask about his girlfriend:
Sorry oh!
10. Him, when a stranger calls you guys a lovely couple:
If you like carry your face.
11. When you think he is cheating.
Why so unfaithful?
12. When you know he is going to see his main chick.
You’re sha not leaving my side.
13. When you ask him where he sees your relationship in the future.
See kini?
14. When he buys you and his main chick the same perfume so he doesn’t smell like another woman.
Professional cheater.
15. When you remember that he said he was going to “dump her soon”.
Still waiting oh!
