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sickle cell | Zikoko!
  • Love Life: Therapy Helps Us Be Better for Each Other

    Love Life: Therapy Helps Us Be Better for Each Other

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Salem, 26, and Precious, 26, have been dating for three years. This week on Love Life, they talk about meeting on Instagram, starting a long distance relationship and couple’s therapy.

    What’s your earliest memory of each other? 

    Precious: In January 2019, while I was still in the UK, my friend shared this video of a boy in a monochrome fit. I clicked on it to hear what he had to say because he looked cute. He talked about creating content. His voice was so smooth. I caught myself smiling and I was like, “Why am I blushing? Do I even know this boy from anywhere?” When I shared his video, he DMed me to say thank you and that’s how we started talking. 

    Salem: When I sent her the DM, I went through her profile and saw that she grew up in Abuja. Abuja is really small so I was surprised we’d never met, and I told her this. She said she felt like she should know me but she’d been to ten different schools. I had never met someone who had been to that many schools. I wanted to hear all about it. She said the gist would be sweeter on WhatsApp.

    Precious: I was using scope to collect his number. On WhatsApp, our gist started at 7 a.m. and lasted till 4 a.m. the next day. We talked about school, work and everything in between. We’re both from the north so we had similar childhood experiences. We bonded over how we grew up. We also talked about music.

    It felt like two old friends catching up. I found out that he was attending the same church I attended when I was in Nigeria. This meant we had a lot of mutual friends. At the end of the discussion, I said, “We’re going to be good friends.” I knew that I already liked him but I feared that I’d come on too strong so I just used the word “friends”. For me, it was love at first conversation. 

    Sweet. How did you two go from talking to dating? 

    Precious: We continued to talk everyday after that. I told him about my health. I’m a sickle cell patient and dating has been quite a journey for me because of this. When I told Salem about it, he said he wasn’t going to tell me he’ll be my ride or die because that’d be a lie, but he’d learn as much as possible about the disease. That melted my heart. 

    Salem: One day, she tweeted that the person she used to send memes and tweets to had a girlfriend now so she was looking for a replacement. I sent a DM asking what the position involved? 

    Precious: I told him there were some things I couldn’t laugh at publicly so I needed someone to send them to. He said he was down for the job. Some days later, he told me he liked me, and I told him I liked him back. It wasn’t too long after that he asked me to be his girlfriend. Our talking stage lasted all of two weeks. 

    How did you ask her out, Salem? 

    Salem: We were texting one day, and she said, “I’m not sure I can wait for seven months before I see you to be able to date you.” I told her I didn’t plan on waiting that long. 

    Precious: Then he called my full government name, “Precious Shekwonaknigami Gaza”, will you be my girlfriend? I loved how intentional he was even though he wasn’t right in front of me.  Of course, I said yes. 

    Salem: I said we needed a relationship plan since we were about to become a long distance couple. 

    Precious: I was supposed to come back to Nigeria, but for some reason, my trip got cancelled so I was stuck in the UK for seven months before we met. 

    Tell me about your relationship

    Salem: As soon as we started dating, we set our ground rules. We asked each other for dos and don’ts and set boundaries. It was clear to me that she knew what she wanted, which is something I had not experienced before. Some of the women I’d met would want me to read their minds. Precious was explicit about how she likes to be loved. 

    Precious: Yup, and so far, loving him has been an interesting journey. In September 2019, I came back to Nigeria, and Salem and I met. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I stayed two months before returning to the UK, and we resumed our long distance relationship. 

    Salem: She came back in 2020 for NYSC and we’ve been living in the same city since then. 

    What’s that been like? 

    Salem: It was almost like we were starting our relationship afresh. There was a lot I didn’t know about how she functioned in person because most of our interaction was on FaceTime. We had to learn each other’s lifestyle and we had a lot of fights while we were at it. 

    Precious: For example, he likes his space and I like to invade his space. Another thing is I love to go out to eat but Salem is a homebody. Whenever I say, “Let’s go to a restaurant”, in his mind, we’re going to pick up and go back home, while I’m thinking we should sit and eat. This could lead to a mini squabble. 

    Salem: Honestly, things changed when she came back. I thought she was like me because when she was in the UK, she used to cook a lot but maybe it was sapa. 

    Precious: LOL. The weather is cold — where am I going to? Plus, all your money will finish so I was being economical in the UK. But now, I’ve come back to Nigeria with my pounds, is it not time to enjoy? 

    LOL. I’m curious about how you people navigated the changes? 

    Salem: We’re still navigating it. We compromise a lot. We’ll go out and I’ll stay longer than I want because of her, and sometimes, she’ll stay at home because of me. So far, we’re doing good. 

    Another thing that has caused fight for us is my relocating to Lagos. 

    Ehn?

    Salem: I moved to Lagos for work. When I first had the conversation with Precious, it caused serious wahala.

    Precious: I was crying as if they beat me.

    Salem: To her, it’s like I wanted to leave her. I had to tell her it’s not about her. I love you and I want a bright future for us. It was hard to convince her but eventually she came around. One random day, she sent me a message saying, “Sorry, I wasn’t supportive when you needed me. Now, I see the big picture, I get it.” 

    We take turns to visit each other in our different cities. 

    Sweet. Can you tell me about the biggest fight you’ve ever had?

    Precious: One time, I fell sick and I wasn’t on my best behaviour. The truth is whenever I’m sick, my good morals go out the window because I get frustrated. Salem was doing all he could to make me comfortable, but I was snapping at him. 

    Salem: I got really mad about it. 

    Precious: My logic was that I was sick so I should be allowed to be irritable. I expected him to have some grace for me. 

    Salem: I wasn’t having it. I told her the least she could do was not snap at me. We talked it out and she apologised. Then, we decided to go to therapy. 

    Ou. Tell me about therapy 

    Precious: We’ve had four sessions so far and I think couple’s therapy should be normalised. 

    Our therapist looks at things from both our perspectives and finds a middle ground for us to agree on. It’s such an intimate experience having your flaws listed but it allows me accept that I messed up. It shows me how I can fix up. 

    Salem: She asks a lot of questions that help us reach a conclusion we know for a fact we wouldn’t have been able to by ourselves. She points out the ways in which we’re ask each other for too much, and we try to work on those aspects. 

    Precious: Yes, therapy helped me see the ways my blood disorder affects our relationship. 

    Can you tell me about that? 

    Precious: First of all, he’s an amazing caretaker. He went from not knowing anything about sickle cell to becoming one of my primary caretakers. I can’t imagine what it’s like for him to have the person he loves in constant pain. 

    Salem: But it’s been tough. When she was still in the UK, offering support via FaceTime was easier. With her in Nigeria, it became a different ball game. Nothing could’ve prepared me for what I’ve experienced as a caregiver. I never had to spend nights at the hospital until we started dating. 

    One time, she was really sick and needed oxygen so she was rushed to the hospital. I had only seen stuff like that in movies, and then, the first time I was seeing it in real life, it was my partner. It was stunning but I’m learning to live with it. 

    Precious: I, on the other hand, have learnt to not downplay caregiving. 

    Nice. What attracts you to each other? 

    Precious: I love that he speaks really well. I love that he is dark-skinned and tall. He also has a nice smile that I adore. 

    Another thing that attracted me to him is his lack of toxic masculinity. He’s confident in his sexuality so he’s not afraid to be emotional and vulnerable with me. It’s something I really appreciate. He’s also very flexible and always ready to learn. 

    Salem: I love that Precious is tenacious and strong. One of my favourite things about her is that she lives like everyday is the best day of her life, as if she’s not an adult with responsibilities and stuff. I always like to say I’m in her life just to be here for her so she doesn’t float into space out of joy and spontaneity, while she’s in my life so I don’t stay on the ground forever. 

    I also love that she’s ambitious. I work hard but I’m not trying to be Bill Gates, but Precious is actually trying to be president of the world. She goes hard at everything she decides to do and I’m a huge fan. 

    Rate this relationship on a scale of one to ten.

    Precious: 11 for me. I found my best friend and soulmate in one person. Apart from the romance in our relationship, there’s also a very solid friendship, and I love that about us. 

    Salem: 11 for me too because I can’t imagine life with anybody else. 

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

  • #NairaLife: This Nurse Is Fighting Sickle Cell and Sapa With Two Jobs

    #NairaLife: This Nurse Is Fighting Sickle Cell and Sapa With Two Jobs

    Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.

    Need to send or receive money fast? Let’s help you send and receive money internationally on the go. Use Afriex


    The 26-year-old nurse on this week’s #NairaLife lived in wealth until her dad died mysteriously when she was 12. Since then, she’s sold sweets, bread, eggs and even written love letters to make money. Now, she works at two different hospitals and is saving to japa.

    Tell me about your earliest memory of money

    When I was five, my mum used to travel to Warri three times a month to buy 33,000 litre tankers of kerosene which she’d then resell. We’d stay up all night counting the cash she brought home. My dad worked with cocoa farmers to produce cocoa exports.

    Sounds like money

    Oh, we were rich. Me, I was very spoiled. I was the only child for eight years, then my sister was born. My dad always wanted daughters, so he showered us with gifts. I went to the most expensive school and even had my own car and driver. 

    All of this got to my head and made me unintentionally condescending.I thought everybody had money like us, so if someone in school mentioned that they didn’t have money, I’d say something like, “Go and ask your daddy.” It was only gradually I understood that there were people who didn’t have as much as we did. But everything changed when my dad died. 

    Oh I’m sorry. What happened? 

    Strange stuff. He collected money from his foreign business partners for a delivery and sent it to the farmers. They never delivered the products. Because of mounting pressure from his business partners for their products, he went to challenge the farmers. The next day, his body began to harden. It kept hardening for months until he passed away. The doctors never figured out what was wrong. 

    Wow. How did this affect your family? 

    Terribly. We spent so much money trying to treat him that we gradually sold off everything we had. The cars, the estate house, everything. We had to move to more humble living conditions.

    My mum had already stopped the kerosene job by the time she had my sister and was now a teacher. She wasn’t making so much money anymore. So imagine us going from being very rich to being absolutely poor all because of my dad’s death. We couldn’t even eat well. Amidst all of this, I was also sick a lot.

    Sick why?

    I live with sickle cell. I woke up one day when I was seven and started limping because I had pains in my joints. At first, my mum thought it was because I was trying to play smart and miss school, but when the limping kept going and coming over a couple of weeks, they took me to the hospital where I was diagnosed with sickle cell. Initially, my parents disagreed. My dad was AS, and my mum, AA, so where did SC come from? 

    After a few tests, they discovered my mum was actually AC and not AA. Also, my dad’s side of the family has a terrible history of rheumatism, which I inherited. So, I was in a lot of pain growing up. There were times when I couldn’t stand or hold a pen to write. I don’t even want to think about it.

    Did your dad’s family help?

    First, they gave us ₦50k to cover our house rent, then they disappeared. They abandoned us. After he died, they even tried to steal a plot of land my mum bought, but she didn’t let them. It was only after many years we reconnected with some of his siblings.

    Because it was just my mum, my sister and me, we had to look out for ourselves. In addition to her salary as a teacher, she travelled to buy materials like lace, ankara and kampala and sold them to people in her office. When highway robbery became a problem, she started selling plantain chips and groundnuts instead. 

    We worked all night slicing and frying plantain chips and groundnuts. My mum used her salary to pay off loans and we used whatever profit we made from selling stuff to survive. 

    You know, for four years after we stopped selling plantain chips, I couldn’t stand the sight or smell of them.

    Did you do anything personally to make money?

    Ah, yes. Letters. I’ve always had a beautiful handwriting. I was a day student at a school that had boarding students, so whenever the boarders needed to write love letters to their partners in other schools, I helped them for a small fee of ₦200. I collected a ₦200 delivery fee from the receivers too. I delivered about 15 letters a month. 

    Cupid is shaking

    Whenever I needed money to buy school stuff like socks and books, I just used my own money. 

    After secondary school, I was home for one year because my score was below the cut-off mark to study nursing at the university I wanted. They gave me chemistry instead. The next year, they gave me Zoology. Instead of waiting at home for one extra year, I decided to go to a polytechnic instead. 

    In 2013, for my OND — first year at polytechnic — I studied science and laboratory technology. Second year, ND, I did biology technology. In ND 2, the school portal closed when I was still owing ₦1k, which meant I had to retake the semester. 

    You were owing ₦1k?

    One thousand naira. 

    Not long after I started the semester again, my mum advised me to drop the polytechnic programme because polytechnic graduates don’t get good jobs. She told me to go to school of nursing instead. It made sense to me because I knew the chances of getting good jobs after polytechnic were slim, and we didn’t have connections, so I followed her advice. Late 2016, I resumed at the school of nursing. 

    I was super broke by this time. To make money, I’d go to my uncle’s shoe shop whenever I was free and sell for him. He’d give me ₦2k per day. When things became unbearable, I decided to start a business. 

    What business?

    I don’t know why, but I just decided it was bread I wanted to sell. I told my uncle about my plan and he gave me ₦5k. ₦3,500 to start my business and ₦1,500 to eat for that day. Instead of bread, I went to the market and bought eclairs, Butter Mint, Milkose, lollipops and popcorn. The next day, I used what was left to buy a few loaves of bread. 

    Everyday, I would go around the hostel shouting for people to come out and buy bread or snacks, and slowly, my business became stable.

    At some point, someone advised me to start selling eggs too, so I did that. 

    It’s when I started this business I realised small ₦10 here and there can build up to become something. 

    Tell me about it

    I bought a pack of eclairs for ₦550. By the time I sold each piece, my profit was ₦650. I sold about 12 packs a month. For the other sweets too, I made double of what I bought them for. I bought a crate of eggs at ₦800 and sold each egg for ₦50. So I made ₦700 in profits per crate, and I sold eight crates in a month. My profit from popcorn was ₦4k a month, and bread made me ₦2k a month. I was making about ₦30k monthly all from small ₦10 and ₦20 profit.

    Also, whenever I went to the market, I told my customers to bring their grocery lists and money so I could shop for them. The catch here was that each person gave me ₦200 transportation money. I could get as many as 10 people per trip. That’s the money I would use to cook for myself. 

    How were your mum and sister in this period?

    They were surviving. My mum had opened a small provisions shop, so she was able to take caare of herself and my sister.

    Did all that physical activity affect your health?

    Very badly. I fell sick a lot, but it was either sickness or be broke and hungry. I didn’t want to go hungry. 

    Damn

    I graduated as a registered nurse in late 2019. By December, I got a job at a police hospital. The pay was ₦30k. I lived far away, came late to work a few times, and was always getting home late, so I was very stressed. By February, I requested an apartment and they gave me one within the police base compound. By March, they transferred me to the MOPOL base. That’s where I met one of the kindest people ever — the commander. My salary was still ₦30k, but I’m pretty sure he gave me up to ₦30k on top of that every month. 

    How?

    I had to check his blood pressure twice a week, and every single time, he would give me money as a “thank you”. Sometimes, ₦5k, sometimes, ₦3k, sometimes, ₦7k. He never missed. 

    That’s mad

    By April, they increased my salary to ₦35k. So my ₦35k salary was going to my mum — ₦10k for her, ₦20k to put in an ajo for me and ₦1500 for my sister. The remaining ₦3,500 was tithe. I survived fully on the money I was getting from the commander. Transportation was ₦8k, and the rest went into feeding and buying appliances for my apartment. 

    In October 2020, my mum told me she didn’t want me to waste the year working instead of developing myself and positioning myself for much better jobs, so I needed to find a way to improve my skills. 

     understood her. I’d already been thinking of training to be an emergency nurse, so her advice was just perfect timing. I eventually found that Igbobi, Lagos, is one of the only places that teaches emergency nursing. I applied, wrote the exams, got in and moved to Lagos. 

    The entire program cost ₦575k to be paid over a year, but we had to pay a ₦40k acceptance fee. Please, tell me why when I asked my mum to bring all my ajo money, she could only come up with ₦30k instead of ₦200k? 

    Ah!

    I could not even say anything. I collected it, added my own ₦10k and started school. Then I went to two of my dad’s siblings who checked in once in a while and told them my plans for school. They gave me a total of ₦178k. I had to borrow money to pay the rest. 

    How did you survive though?

    I moved to Lagos thinking the Igbobi campus would have hostels for us. Nope. I had to sleep on class benches before my study partner introduced me to a friend who I’ve lived with ever since. 

    Moneywise, I got occasional gigs from classmates who wanted me to help them do assignments and projects. ₦2k here, ₦3k there, that’s how I survived. I tried to get jobs but nothing worked out. 

    After I graduated in 2021, I moved back west to my hometown. Three days later, a hospital in Lekki called me for an interview. When I got there and we spoke, they offered me ₦100k as salary. I rejected it.

    What was the lowest you could take as a salary at that point?

    ₦100k, but not on the island. I’d be spending ₦40k on transport and that’s just not wise. Also, public transportation in Lagos gives me anxiety, so I wasn’t about to be doing long and expensive trips for ₦100k. No. 

    Because I was already in Lagos, I decided to stay and keep dropping my CV at hospitals. A friend told me a government hospital on the mainland was hiring and I applied. I remember being in church in January [2022] when the message that I’d gotten the job came in. Omo, I danced. 

    LMAO

    I resumed in February. The pay was ₦95k, and my shifts meant I only had to be at work seven times a month. Shortly after I started the job, one of the private hospitals where I’d dropped my CV reached out to interview me. I told them I already had a job and would be juggling both jobs, and they agreed. They pay ₦100k. 

    Let’s goooo

    My February salary from the government job and my March salaries from both jobs paid off all my debts. Now, I live on the ₦95k and save the ₦100k every month. I’m trying to japa to the UK. 

    What do you spend your money on?

    On some months, I make an extra ₦10k or more from the private hospital when I fill in for someone when they’re short-staffed.

    What’s one thing you want but can’t afford right now?

    Sending my sister to a private university so she can have a good and hitch-free education. 

    Again, how are you managing all this work with your health?

    My health has improved over the years. I prayed for it to, and it has. I also make sure I eat well, sleep every chance I get and avoid anything that can stress me emotionally. Because I’ve had the condition for a long time, I can bear the pain to an extent and still work. 

    I also drink lots of water and take folic acid and a pain reliever once I can’t bear the pain any longer.

    My government hospital job has doubled the days I need to come to the office, so it’s getting stressful, but I can still handle it. If it gets too much, I’ll drop the private job. 

    Why not the one that pays less?

    I can always get another private job. Government jobs are difficult to get and they come with better job security. 

    1-10, how happy are you?

    6, because I know I could be in a worse situation. I have it better than others.


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  • How Important Is a Bone Marrow Registry in Nigeria? Nigerian Sickle Cell Patients Weigh In

    How Important Is a Bone Marrow Registry in Nigeria? Nigerian Sickle Cell Patients Weigh In

    Bone marrow transplants can help people with life-threatening blood diseases. However, a critical requirement for the success of this treatment is the availability of a Human Leukocyte Antigen (HLA) donor who matches a given patient. Because of this, a common practice around the world is the establishment of institutions called bone marrow registries. The registries exist as places where willing donors can get screened and, if found fit, are able to donate HLA to those who need it.

    According to HealthCareTrends, over 150,000 children are born with Sickle Cell Disease (SCD in Nigeria each year, and about 40 million people suffer in total, making Nigeria the country with the largest number of SCD patients globally. Even with these high numbers, the country has only one bone marrow registry. It’s a non-profit located in Enugu that isn’t as effective as it should be due to a lack of funding and awareness. The registry has existed for eight years and contains less than 1000 people.

    Sickle Cell Disease (SCD) is one of the blood diseases that a bone marrow transplant can treat. So we’ve interviewed two SCD patients who live in Nigeria about their experiences managing the disease, how it affects their lives, and why they think the bone marrow registry is essential.

    Ngozi, 34

    I’ve lived with it for 34 years, and you can’t predict what your next day will be. You could be very active one day and be totally down the next.  It’s not anyone’s fault. Our parents didn’t know better because there wasn’t enough advocacy. But now that there is advocacy, I hope that the disease ends with our generation. 

    Growing up, and because I required many drugs and hospital visits, it seemed like I was the only one of my siblings spending my family’s money. There’s also the stigma that comes with growing up with SCD. People treat you differently when they find out you have it. As a child, people wouldn’t want to play with me or be my friend or even touch me because they were afraid I could drop dead at any moment. It also affected my schooling. In my university days, I wrote most of my exams in the hospital, which made many people assume that I was using it as an excuse to cheat. 

    Whenever I’m not at home or church, I’m at the hospital because of a crisis. In many Nigerian hospitals, nobody cares about SCD patients. Even the government isn’t making things better. We used to have an NHIS that set our treatments and drugs cost N15k. It’s now N45k. And even with that, you’re not assured of quality service. There are some SCD platforms where patients encourage and help each other with money. 

    I’ve always known that a bone marrow transplant can help SCD patients, but I also heard it has a 50/50 chance of working. I also heard that it doesn’t change the genotype but gives you a crisis-free life, which sounds like an excellent deal because the pains of a crisis are worse than labour pains.

    Henry, 28

    Living with SCD in Nigeria is tough because SCD costs a lot of money. Like me, those who work and earn enough set aside cash from our income for unforeseen health issues that will undoubtedly arise from time to time.  But the warriors, as we call ourselves, who don’t earn enough money are often at the mercy of loved ones and family.


    SCD affects a warrior’s life in different ways. When a warrior suffers a crisis, their family members and loved ones take them to the hospital and stay with them for the hospital visit, which might last up to a week. Even though it’s no one’s fault and no one can predict it, having their lives upended like this every few weeks can strain the relationship between a warrior and their family. SCD even affects employment. Going to the hospital often means more time out of work, and there is only so much time off one can take before a boss lets you go. Let’s not even talk about the effects on relationships.

    Most Nigerian hospitals don’t have haematology doctors. And the downside of a warrior going to just any hospital is that the doctors available probably won’t be trained to handle SCD patients. But in the national hospital where I go, a haematology doctor is usually called to treat SCD patients. The only problem is that the wait time might be extended because of the many patients waiting.

    I don’t know much about the bone marrow registry. I know there’s one in Benin, but I don’t know if people register for it. However, it would be highly encouraging for people to assist us warriors and donate stem cells to the registry. A high-performance liquid chromatography HPLC test determines eligibility to donate. More warriors would be willing to undergo surgery if the bone marrow registries have all they need in terms of donations.  

    One thing that both sickle cell warriors hope for is that more people learn about the bone marrow registry. With more awareness comes more funds (from the government or in form of contributions from the general public) and more stem cell donations from viable donors. If these things are in place, more warriors would be willing to undergo surgery. Click here to visit the Nigerian bone marrow website and learn more about the process.

  • Sex Life: “I Do Push-ups To Get Rid Of Erections”

    Sex Life: “I Do Push-ups To Get Rid Of Erections”

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual man who’s a sickle cell warrior. He tells us how exercise helps him deal with priapism, his journey with masturbation, and how romance novels kickstarted his sexual journey.

    What was your first sexual experience? 

    I was in Primary 6 when I first masturbated. The details are foggy but I remember that it all started with erotic scenes in books.

    I was a very shy child who really enjoyed reading. My mother bought me as many books as she could find. She is a very religious woman, so I don’t imagine she knew what she was buying when she got me all those James Hadley Chase and Harlequin books.

    I had a very active mind and could picture everything I read in detail. When I read these scenes, I would get an erection. So I read more books.

    One thing the books did was that they made me exclusively attracted to older women. I barely talked to girls my age. The women in the books were grown and curvy, and because there were always visiting aunties who fit this description, I started to fantasize about one of them.

    I thought of her as I moved my waist on the bed. This continued till I came, and it was an interesting thing finding out my body could do that.

    Oh wow. When did you start doing sexual things with other people?

    Not until a lot later, around 2012. I was in my second year in university and I had a girlfriend. We started dating in 2011 and agreed that we wouldn’t have sex or do anything at all actually. She was the first person I’d ever kissed.

    A year into our relationship, we decided that we would make out and try fingering and oral sex. In all this, we still never had sex.

    Why did you decide not to have sex?

    Sex had always been off the table for me. I read books with erotic scenes, watched porn, touched myself but the actual sex was where I drew the line.

    I grew up very religious and so the topic of sex was a non-starter. So in a weird twist, masturbation became this thing I’d found that I could do to prevent myself from “sinning” like the rest of my secondary school mates were doing. 

    They would tell me of the things they were doing with girls they liked, and I wouldn’t be moved because whatever pleasure they were getting, I could very easily sort myself out. 

    What else has been a significant part of your sex life so far?

    I live with sickle cell and as a man, this can come with a condition called priapism. Nobody had ever told me about it but I found out by myself when I was 20.

    I was back home from university. It was the early hours of the morning and I had just finished watching Spartacus and masturbating. After a while, I noticed my erection hadn’t gone down at all. I couldn’t call for help because what would I tell my mum?

    I panicked at first but then I tried cold water and it helped it calm down. I did some more googling and I found something that matched my symptoms. I read that adrenaline was something to take to fix it. Since I couldn’t buy adrenaline, I decided to substitute that with exercise.

    At this point, I was still dating my girlfriend in university. When we made out and I felt like it was happening I excused myself and went out to do push-ups for about 15 to 20 minutes. This always helped. 

    I always make sure to inform any sexual partners that I am a sickle cell warrior and that if we plan to be sexual in any way that this is a condition I have.

    These days when it happens with my current partner, I just do the push-ups right there in front of her.

    So how did sex finally happen for you?

    Ah yes. That was in 2018. I had a friend who I would make out with from time to time. Ours was a “friend with benefits” setup.

    She came into town to see me. I will start by telling you that the sex was not good. I wasn’t ready. Not just in a naive, not-knowing-anything way. That was a factor, but I genuinely wasn’t planning on having sex with her that day.

    Before then, all we did was make out and give each other head. That was the plan when she came visiting this time and she was visiting from another state. When she arrived she basically told me, “I didn’t come all this way to just make out. We’re going to fuck.”

    If we’d had a conversation about it prior to her getting there, I may have at least gotten my mind ready. At that moment though, I felt like I couldn’t say no. Then I believed that sex was not a thing I could turn down so as not to “fall my own hand.”

    We had sex and after I came, she said she wanted to go again. I was so out of it that I couldn’t penetrate her again. She had to masturbate to get herself off.

    I left the house for her after that night. What if she wanted sex that I didn’t want to give again? I spent a chunk of the time she was around in my neighbour’s house. 

    I’m so sorry about that. Did this affect how you perceived sex?

    It did. I was convinced that this first bad experience happened because I wasn’t prepared and I felt like I had to prove that it could be good if I tried again. So I called up another friend with benefits and she came over and the same thing happened. I could penetrate but my mind was still not in it. Even after planning and preparing myself for it.

    It wasn’t until later that it hit me that I may have just not wanted to have sex with these women. I was fine with making out and oral sex but nothing more.

    It’s just important to me that the partner I have sex with is someone I can be very vulnerable with and tell things to. With my current girlfriend, I’m ready to have sex but she’s not and that’s fine. 

    So have you had sex that you enjoyed?

    If you’re talking penetrative sex, I would say no. That last experience was the last time I had sex. But with other sexual activities, I can say that I’ve always enjoyed the thrill of discovering things about my partner’s body and mine.

    That’s great. So how would you rate your sex life over 10?

    8/10. I’ve had penetrative sex only twice and I’m not having sex right now, but I’m totally fine with it. I am making out and having oral sex with my girlfriend and as I ask my partner questions, I learn more ways to pleasure her.

    Also, I can go days now without any sexual activity. Not even masturbating. When I feel horny, I usually just dive into work until I have time to attend to the feeling. So I’d say I’m not doing too badly.