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Shame | Zikoko!
  • Interview With Shame: “Even If You’re Shameless, You Still Need Shame.”

    Interview With Shame: “Even If You’re Shameless, You Still Need Shame.”

    Shame has been dragged back and forth for too long, with some people claiming they don’t need it and others claiming they do.

    Today on Interview With, Shame has decided to break his silence with five words.

    Shame: Take me or leave me.

    Zikoko: Sir?

    Shame: That’s all I have to say. 

    Zikoko: That’s what you called us here to say?

    Shame: Is there supposed to be more? Look, what a thousand-year-old tortoise sees on the back of its shell, a newborn won’t see it, even if he stands on the back of another tortoise. But on this matter, everybody is seeing the same thing.

    Zikoko: Meaning?

    Shame: This life has spoilt.

    Zikoko: Sir?

    Shame: Yes. You people have been saying you can’t shame the shameless, you can’t shame the shameless. Now, everybody is roaming about without shame.

    Everybody’s nyash is in the open. You people just open your mouth to tell everybody your… What do you people call it? When you lose, when you fail at something? It’s a letter. Remind me now.

    Zikoko: L? 

    Shame: Exactly. 

    Zikoko: That’s fine. Some people actually think it’s motivational.

    Shame: 

    To tell the internet secrets that even the military shouldn’t be able to get out of you? 

    Zikoko: It’s not like they are sharing security details.

    Shame: Ehn?! Please, don’t come into my house and lie. I will not accept that one. Ahn ahn. 

    Zikoko:

    Shame: See, I’m not saying you people shouldn’t say what’s on your chest. I’m just saying some of you need small shame, just tiny. Tell them to come here with their party pack or cooler, and I will give them. 

    Zikoko:

    Shame: The way you’re doing now, it’s like I’m telling you to beg them to patronise me, and I don’t like that. I don’t want their money, please. Right now, I’m doing charity. Come to me all ye who are shameless, and I will give you shame.

    Zikoko: Just like that? 

    Shame: Just like that. Are you not tired of seeing things that don’t concern you all over the internet? Things your eyes should never see?

    Zikoko: Now, it sounds like you’re running an ad.

    Shame: I don’t think you heard the “charity” I said the first time. I’m not doing it for myself o. It’s for their good. Because the next thing I’ll hear now is, “Who shame help?”

    If people had me, they would not spend five days talking about one thing that doesn’t concern anybody.

    They’d remember they have a job and a life. Half of the internet wahala would be gone.

    Zikoko: I don’t think that would solve it.

    Shame leans on his cane and gets up. 

    Shame: That’s your business. 

    They said you people have been shouting “Bring back shame. Bring back shame” since. Tell them that I’ve been here — no leave, no transfer. If they want me, they should come and get me.

  • NYSC Diary Day 2: Shame Dies In Camp

    NYSC Diary Day 2: Shame Dies In Camp

    Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.

    3:16 AM

    Someone taps me awake. It is A. When I open my eyes, the room is a flurry of activities: young men in various stages of undress rushing to fetch water to bathe, young men already dressing up. I already fetched my water yesterday so I am spared the stress of queuing at the water tank. The cold is heavy, as usual. I pull out my bucket from under my bunk. I wake O. who sleeps in the bunk next to mine.

    NYSC is the place where shame comes to die, so I am not surprised when I walk into naked young men bathing in the open and in the other bathroom without doors. Yesterday afternoon, in broad daylight, I saw a young man bathing in that doorless bathroom, naked, not even bothering that people would look. I swear, I’m not a prude, but it was a shock to me. Me that I’m keeping my body for my future love so that my in-laws will pay the full cost of my husband price. Last night, a guy bathed in front of our hostel. Right at the entrance o. In his defence sha, it was dark. But still.

    After taking my bath, I dress up in new whites and wait.

    5:11 AM

    In other camps, the bugle sounds to indicate that Nigeria is awake, but I hear that things are not normal in this camp. Here, the bugle sounds, but I don’t even know. I expected something different—loud, jarring—but this bugle sounds like a bush baby, an egbere in training.

    Soldiers come. We double up to the parade ground in darkness. 

    I find people from NCCF, singing and clapping. Muslims head to the mosque. The NCCF brother tells us to give thanks to God. God who helped us to be here. Many of our mates are dead, do we know? Many have extra year, are we aware? Even he, he had an extra year, but look at him today.

    After this, he invites us to attend the NCCF. Have time for God. Don’t come to camp and forget the Lord. There are three religious bodies: the association for Muslims, the one for Catholics, and the one for all other church denominations.

    We sing the national anthem, the NYSC anthem; we recite the pledge, and then listen to the morning mediation. More rules follow: Don’t shit in the open; don’t smoke in camp. If you are a smoker, there are places in the market you can smoke. Don’t drink alcohol (makes sense why alcohol is confiscated). Don’t steal. If you cannot do without stealing, you better control yourself (these are his exact words, believe me).

    The drilling/marching session begins again. We re-learn how to remove head dress (face cap), how to give three hearty cheers to the ezeketive govanor of Borno state. We are prepared for the swearing in ceremony tomorrow. I get called onye ara because I am quick in putting on my cap. People are called witches and small witches and we’re told to stop thinking of our boyfriends and girlfriends. Nobody faints—a wonder, but one girl is taken out of camp because a soldier notices her eyes “turning”.

    We are on the parade ground for hours that feel like years. I am about to die. 8:11 am, and the commandant finally asks us to go find Ngozi.

    We disperse in search of her. My prayer is that Ngozi will never be found. 

    10:03 AM

    I am back on the parade ground, forced to give up my breakfast of bread and tea and double up to the camp. What’s bread and tea, anyway? The bread is a small size, and the tea is like a small flood. But it’s hot. And Lipton. And sweet. 

    Sweet tea

    On the parade ground, the sun is already up, hot and bright. It almost feels like it’s afternoon. Drilling begins afresh. Instructions are yelled at us from all sides, and again I feel as though I want to die. The reason for this endless drill is this: tomorrow is our swearing in ceremony, the governor of Borno state and other dignitaries will be in attendance, so we must get all commands right. 

    We learn (again) how to stand at ease, how to bang our feet and stand still when we hear “attention!”A group of girls are handpicked and taken away. Later, I learn that they are being trained to welcome the dignitaries. All through the parade, I see them clapping and prancing. There are a few guys among them too.

    We offend the soldier. He asks us all to sit on the ground. The sun’s intensity increases. The breakfast makes me sleepy, and while standing on the parade ground, I sometimes catch myself dozing, jerking awake when I am about to fall. We begin to grumble, but the soldiers are not having it. Bang your feet!, they yell. Stop saying ‘catch’, just hold your cap!

    At about 12:00PM, we are allowed to go sit under the shade. A relief, one which is cut short when the parade resumes again and goes on and on and on until a soldier dismisses us at 1:15PM to go in search of a certain Salamotu. I’m so relieved I want to weep.

    3:15 PM

    I take my lunch at the kitchen. It’s rice and stew and a bit of meat. Tasty, although some people think otherwise. But it’s free food, so…

    F. has devised a way to evade parade, and it is a technique that works. He changed into mufti and went to Mammy Market. This way, he’ll blend in with the hordes of new arrivals who haven’t completed their registration. Smart idea, but there won’t be new arrivals for long.

    A. too has evaded parade. But his excuse is genuine: he is a pharmacist and this is a service needed in camp. O., my new friend is nowhere to be found. These people have betrayed me.

    6:15 PM

    The parade is finally over. For today, at least. Tomorrow is the swearing-in day, so by now everyone is rushing around to amend their kits to look nice for tomorrow. To amend your khaki costs N1,500 at Mammy Market. At the College Tailoring Unit, it costs N1,000. Ironing costs N200. 

    College tailoring unit

    Mammy Market is not a place to be, if I am going to be honest. Yes, they have all you need, but then it costs too much. It is as though by charging you more, they are teaching you not to be careless in packing necessary items. A bucket costs N500. A cup costs N200. A small cooler costs N650. A metal spoon costs N50. A plastic take away plate costs N100. Every bottled drink is N150. POS withdrawal costs N70 per thousand naira. It looks small, yes, but a pinch here, a bite there, and there’s nothing left. Tell me, if five naira was withdrawn from your one million naira, would you still be called a millionaire? 


  • That Time My Slippers Cut In Public

    That Time My Slippers Cut In Public

    1. So one Saturday, I was about to start my day of relaxation with breakfast.

    2. Then I realised there was no oil in my kitchen.

    3. Which means I had to leave my house!

    4. Halfway through the journey, my slippers cut!

    5. First, I wondered if I should go back home or just continue.

    6. But then would I drag my leg with the torn slippers?

    7. Or maybe I should remove both slippers.

    8. But will I use my bare feet to roam the streets?

    9. So I started dragging my leg back home!

    10. Some people were looking at me like:

    11. Meanwhile the remaining were laughing at me like:

    12. Then I heard someone consoling me for my paralysis.

    13. I eventually dragged myself home

    14. Full of shame and regret!

    15. And slept away the hunger that put me in trouble in the first place!

  • All The Things That Happen When Your Eye Is Bigger Than Your Wallet

    1. How you walk into a shop you like with panache and confidence.

    2. Then you begin to look around.

    3. Picking all sorts of off the racks.

    4. Feeling sexy and important.

    5. Even enter the changing room to try on some of the clothes.

    6. Then you start looking at the price tags.

    7. What is all this?

    8. Why is one outfit half of your salary?

    9. Don’t these designers fear God?

    10. You walk out of the store with nothing but sadness.

    11. But one day your eye and wallet will be mates.

    12. And then you’ll be back to buy everything!

  • 13 Pictures You’ll Get If You’ve Ever Bought Condoms From A Nigerian Pharmacy

    13 Pictures You’ll Get If You’ve Ever Bought Condoms From A Nigerian Pharmacy

    1. When you need condoms but none of your friends are around to steal from.

    Nawa!

    2. You, calculating whether to buy condoms now or free and buy pampers later.

    Is the shame worth it?

    3. You, praying that the pharmacist is not one middle-aged Nigerian woman.

    I don’t need the judgement.

    4. When you enter the pharmacy and the place is full of old people.

    God forbid.

    5. You, pretending to consider other items.

    As if it’s not just condom you’re there for.

    6. When you see someone from church enter the pharmacy.

    Hay God!

    7. You, when someone just walks in and shouts “give me gold circle”.

    Boss!

    8. When you buy things you don’t need just to shift attention from the condoms.

    See money I’m wasting.

    9. How the pharmacist looks at you if you don’t have a ring on your finger:

    See your life.

    10. When they are about to give you the “youths of today” speech.

    Just don’t, biko.

    11. Your face, all through the purchase.

    Stop looking at me.

    12. When they tell you they don’t have any black nylons.

    You people want to expose me.

    13. You, after realizing you can never go back to that pharmacy again.

    Shame will not allow me.