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Sometimes, I think of semo as that high-maintenance babe that is really not all that because why do the lumps in semo always actively try to disgrace you at the worst times?
Like, why are you giving your haters more ammunition to slander you?
Anyway, this guide will help you finally conquer the evil spirit behind lumpy semo and make your Nigerian mother proud.
Boil some water, and then add a pinch of salt and a tiny drop of vegetable oil to it. I’m not sure what this does, but this is how I was taught, so stay with me.
Next, slowly add the semolina or semovita — whichever you prefer. Apparently, semolina is the OG in this story — while stirring simultaneously until the mixture thickens and becomes consistent. This is where your village people will start their agenda but ensure they don’t succeed.
Next, use the turning stick to make small air pockets in the pot, add a little water, and then let it cook on low heat for about two minutes. This will help ensure the semo is evenly cooked.
Now proceed to beat stir any surviving lumps out of the semo, and dish it out with any soup of choice.
Or you can just throw the semo, pot and turning stick in the trash where they belong.
Almost every week, you eat one type of swallow or the other. So over time, you’ve come to develop a favourite. Well, we’re here to tell you what your favourite swallow says about you.
1) Amala
People who have Amala as their favourite food act like die-hard music stans. At least the music stans can say they admire a real person. These people are ready to go to war over swallow????? They are not just lovers of it, they are a legion. If Amala is your favourite swallow, you need to rethink your life choices. What are you doing wrong? Who did you offend? Are your village people working overtime again?
King of enjoyment and good vibes. Starch lovers and beer drinkers are the same kind of people. Easy going and just trying to have a good time. They don’t insert themselves in unnecessary discourse because they’re not trying to prove anything to anyone. Overall best in best.
3)Eba
You are a very unappreciated and simple person. Life does not have to be hard for you, and everyone should adopt your style of life. People might call you lazy, but just tell them you are on energy-saving mode.
Looks and smell don’t matter to you much. What matters to you is how something makes you feel on the inside. You are a very personality focused person, and more people should strive to be like you. You eat rubbish, but you don’t care. As long as you are happy, that’s what happens. You love your joy and don’t let anyone take that away from you.
5) Pounded yam
This might be the single most over-hyped swallow in all of existence. It is too selective, and as such doesn’t always slap. Pounded yam goes well with one soup (like some other brown swallow). If pounded yam is your favourite swallow, you act a lot like whiskey drinkers. You think you’re better than everyone, but you’re not.
You did not obey the fanfare of Amala eaters, but instead took the road less travelled. I applaud your independence. You have a strong will. Also, people are always looking for your trouble by saying Amala and Lafun are the same things. They’re unclutured.
I think it is quite obvious what Zikoko thinks about semo, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be honest. If semo is your favourite swallow, you deserve respect. For you to be able to withstand insults and curses every day and continue to eat what is probably Nigeria’s most hated swallow, you deserve an award.
You are resilient, steadfast, and not influenced by peer pressure. Unfortunately, your taste is also trash, so that kind of spoils all your amazing qualities.
Food plays an important in relationships. For many people, food is their love language, and for many others, food is a strong determining factor when they choose a life partner. So, to avoid “Had I Known”, don’t cook these foods for a person you’re not married to.
1. Pounded Yam
Omo, it’s for your own good oh. Imagine pounding yam furiously for a man that will later tell you, “I just don’t think we have a future together.” Or a woman that will say no when you ask her to marry you.
Backbreaking labour wasted. God forbid abeg.
2. Ekpangnkukwo.
You yourself, have you cooked something this delicious for yourself before attempting to cook it for a man or woman who is probably cheating on you? Until there’s a ring and an official document, let everybody patronise their favourite restaurants please.
3. Moi moi
You too, reason it: You’ll soak beans, peel it, wash it, take it to be ground, bring it back, add the condiments, measure it in tins, put it in a pot, and then wait for it to steam.
All for someone who hasn’t met your parents. Omo, may the labours of our heroes past not be in vain oh.
4. Ofe Nsala
Ofe Nsala. OFE NSALA for a person that has not talked marriage yet? Hmm. If it’s scratching your body to cook, why not open a restaurant???
5. Ogbono
This one is to save you from embarrassment oh. Imagine cooking ogbono that did not draw for a person you’re chyking or that is chyking you. That’s how your cover will blow and they will break up with you. You’ll now be that guy/babe that cannot cook ogbono.
We rebuke it for you.
6. Efo riro.
You’ll cook efo riro and the person will start running after you and professing love. Small time, people will accuse you of washing bumbum inside the soup because why else are they running after you like you’re their oxygen tank?
Think about it.
7. Pap/Custard
We are not saying you should not prepare this one for them. But wait until you’re married and you live together. That way, if you make River Niger for them and call it pap, they will take it like that. After all, they promised to love you with all your flaws.
8. Pancakes
Again, wait until you’re in the house oh. Cause your pancakes can turn to scrambled eggs and casala can impregnate wahala. You need to be sure that nothing can pursue you out of that relationship.
9. Semo
This one is for your own good. Semo is widely hated. You don’t want to inherit that hatred, so it’s best you don’t even near it at all, even when you are married.
PR is necessary — it is the only one thing that can make or mar a food’s reputation. And this is such a time where people can carry on a food slander without actually tasting the food itself. So, these foods need to do better if they don’t want to be wiped out of existence or become culinary pariahs.
1. Avocado
The PR for this one is a cross between good and bad. Half the time, you see people who argue that it is the best thing and some others who fight for it to be cancelled. Girl, rise and defend yourself.
2. Isi ewu
This one has good PR. But the wooden bowl they serve it in is a scam. It better change its game before the secret is discovered.
3. Gbegiri
This one is hiding under amala and ewedu to feel good. Weyrey dey disguise. Something that people will soon start abandoning when they see that it is a dependent soup.
4. Starch
This sweetheart is not blowing its trumpet hard enough and it’s upsetting me and my homegurls.
5. Bounty.
Personally, I love Bounty. I like how it is one thing on the outside and another thing on the inside. But the chocolate itself needs to hire itself a good PR manager so I don’t have to keep hiding my face when they ask Bounty eaters to come out.
There’s very little that is known about this Ondo delicacy and I don’t like how this information is being withheld from the public. I tried pupuru once and my life was never the same.
One year ago, we left Nigeria for an 80-day adventure across West Africa. Something is coming. Unshared stories. New perspectives. Limited series. 10 episodes.
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Two weeks ago, I spoke to the overworked and underappreciated Dishwashing Liquid, and during that eye-opening interview, it name-dropped a very polarising figure in the Nigerian food scene, Semo.
A few days after that interview, Semo’s manager reached out to me, asking that I sit down with his client and give it a chance to clear the air. I begrudgingly agreed, and the interview got understandably tense.
Zikoko: It’s nice to have you here.
Semo: Is it? Is it really?
No. I was actually just being polite.
That’s much better. I’ve seen every jab your insignificant little blog has thrown my way, from the articles to the comics. No need to start forming nice because I’m finally in front of you.
That’s fine by me. Is there anything you’d like to get off your chest before we start?
I just have some constructive criticism. I think you, in particular, should just stick to writing those horny little articles and leave the food reviews to people who know what they are talking about.
I’m assuming there is someone else in your company that understands my value, or did every single one of the writers get hired specifically for having shit taste?
LMAO. You would know about “shit taste”.
You’ve never eaten me with Ogbono soup and it shows. I dare you to find another one of my counterparts that complements that top-tier soup as flawlessly as I do.
Is it Pounded Yam that wants to compete? That one is too busy kissing Egusi’s ass.
That’s confident.
Look, I’m not saying I’m the best swallow out there, but my slander is so obviously forced. I remember when it was cool to hate on Amala for no reason, and when that got boring, I became the next target.
Semo is the worst swallow in this life and the next.
So, people who say they don’t like you are faking it?
That’s not what I’m saying. I believe some people genuinely don’t like me, and that’s fine. I can’t be mad at them for being born with faulty tastebuds. I actually feel sorry for them.
My issue is when they start saying nonsense like, “Only cultists eat semo.” I mean, it’s already bad enough that they have subpar taste, but to now be shading people who don’t? That’s just embarrassing.
What about the people that genuinely have an issue with your texture?
If you don’t like my texture, then you made me wrong. It’s that simple. When Pounded Yam comes out lumpy, they blame the person who made it, but when my texture is off, they blame me. That’s unfair.
My manager told you not to bring that up. I knew I shouldn’t have wasted my time coming here. Keep pushing your hateful, anti-Semo agenda for the clicks. The clout you’re chasing will hook your throat.
Like you hook the throats of people who eat you?
*Semo storms off*
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
Popular Nigerian swallows are popular because a lot of people talk about them and try to paint them good so that everybody likes them. But what about the other swallows that don’t make it into the limelight? This is a list of them.
1. Fufu (Akpu).
Fufu is one of the wonderful Nigerian swallows we have and it’s sad that this bad beesh does not get enough credit. Some people think it smells (someone once called it a swallow with body odour), but it’s probably because you people are eating the wrong type.
2. Wheat.
Wheat is a bomb ass swallow and I wonder why a lot of people don’t like it. Wheat goes well with any soup. And it’s nutritious too. So, what exactly is happening? Why is she not popular?
3. Pupuru.
Do you even know what that is? Pupuru is a delicacy that Ondo people (and a few others who love good food) know. Here’s how it is sold in the market:
You take it home, scrape off the back and get your flour out. Mad ass swallow.
4. Starch.
Photo: Dobby’s Signature
I won’t lie, I once did a bad mouth of this swallow. I called it ‘semo with palm oil added’, so yes, maybe I deserve cane. But now I have seen the light, and I am here to tell you that starch is an amazing swallow that needs to be spoken about more.
5. Tuwo.
Yes, it might be popular in the North and with northerners, but you do realize that a lot of people don’t exactly rate Tuwo, right?
6. Amala.
I love Amala, and I know you do too. But I saw a tweet where someone said Amala should be returned to the dustbin where it belongs and I knew that we had to improve Amala’s PR.
7. Semo.
A lot of people slander semo. A whole lot. And yes, I am one of them. Here’s my official slander: 7 Annoying Things About Making Semovita. So yes, semo activists need to do a better job.
