Notice: Function _load_textdomain_just_in_time was called incorrectly. Translation loading for the wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/bcm/src/dev/www/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121 Sarcasm | Zikoko!
Every two business days, someone drops a hot take that anime is for kids, and you know what? They’re right. Only children would want to watch a bunch of characters run around and fight people that are not fighting them. That’s peak joblessness. Here’s all the proof you need that anime is for kids.
Anime is too soft and emotional
As an adult, why are you watching something that’ll make you feel warm when news channels exist? You better call all the kids in your neighbourhood together so they can watch Grave of Fireflies or Attack on Titan. Those are the kinds of shows only kids deserve to see abi?
The main characters are kids, so only kids can relate to them
No, think about it; how can you relate to a twelve-year-old boy looking for his dad and gallivanting around with his little friend with no troubles whatsoever? What’s realistic about that? As an adult, why would you be watching Hunter X Hunter? What life lessons can you gain? Please rethink your life choices.
See, they totally agree
When characters die, it’s cute
We all know that death is not cute in real life. Indeed since anime is for kids, they’ll avoid the grimness of death, right? It’s not like they show splattered blood in Chainsaw Man or a half-eaten, Gala-looking human being in Attack on Titan. No, they just put soft flowers around the cute dead character. People don’t just explode after becoming curses because of some evil antagonist. It’s for kids, nau.
Anime has the softest themes
I mean, it’s a genre for kids; it’s totally okay for kids to watch a psychopath that kill people for fun by writing their names in a black book based on his moral high horse. It’s not like seeing Ryuk from Death Note will scar them for life or anything. Just pure wholesomeness and clear blue skies.
All they do is go on little quests to activate the power of friendship
What’s the fun in watching something like that? Only kids enjoy watching cartoons. It’s not like anime characters are known for occasionally trying to kill their friends over small things. In fact, I recommend letting kids watch Devilman Crybaby to experience true friendship at its peak.
awww besties
Hentai is age-appropriate for kids
You definitely want to interrupt your kid’s regular programming of cococmelon with possibly tentacle sex scenes in anime. I mean, sex education should be taught early, abi? So what if they show a lot of problematic stuff? A genre for kids can do no wrong.
Violence is always the answer
Now come on, that child in your life shouldn’t still be watching stuffed animals teach them life lessons that help them grow to be kind people. They need to watch anime series about a man who occasionally turns into a person with a chainsaw for a head and a chainsaw on his arms to help him fight devils. Yep. That’s something I’d definitely let a child see before they go to bed.
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Can I tell you the truth? If there is one Zikoko flagship you should never miss, it should be Interview With. I’m serious, this series brings you humour, madness, creativity and range like never before. I have interviewed Saxophone, Titus sardine, Small Yansh, Turning Stick, among many others. Why would you miss such a series?
Because I love you, I compiled a list of top ten inanimate object interviews you must read. You’re welcome.
Let’s be honest, we are all tired of Saxophone serenades at this point, yeah? We want someone to hold their birthday without the neighbours being disturbed by pararan sounds. If we as humans are tired, guess how tired the actual saxophone must be.
That’s why you should read this interview so you can ‘hear’ Saxophone itself rant to us. Read here.
Before Nigerians started discovering the slices of house in Lagos and the madness of Lagos agents, Zikoko already gathered up the apartments and spoke to them about the situation of things. In this interview, we spoke to Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba, Dog House In Lekki, Uncompleted Building In Shomolu, Shop In Mushin, and Slice Of House In Lagos Island. All the apartments Lagos agents offer to you when you tell them you want to rent a house.
There’s Omicron outside. Constable Sapa too is patrolling the streets. But does this concern Detty December? Apparently not. She’s all dressed up and ready to hit the streets.
Read our interview with her so you can get the full gist of our discussion. Read here.
In case you forgot, let us remind you: this was the year Twitter was banned in Nigeria. This was also the year Adamu Garba tried to force Crowwe on us. And this, too, was the same year Adamu Garba filed a lawsuit against Jack Dorsey of Twitter.
You know what we did while all of this was going on? We secretly brought the Twitter bird into our office and interviewed it.
Gather all the naira notes together, and they still wouldn’t be able to buy you a decent live chicken for Christmas. Why then are we running after them? In this interview, the naira notes expose themselves as fake beaches and detty liars who are living a fake life.
Quick question: what does not belong in a small chops platter? You don’t have to answer, the members of the small chops association already answered that question in this interview. They all dragged each other, and only one baddie came out on top. Guess which one?
Lagos Mojito has come into disrepute lately. Lagos residents (read: Lagos alcoholics) have complained about Lagos bartenders trying to punish them with herbal concoction, instead of Mojito. As the investigative journalists that we are, we brought Lagos Mojito itself into our office for questioning.
Yes, you know the Turning Stick, but do you really know him?
In this interview, we spoke about his main job and side hustle, as well as the annoying way Nigerian mothers use him against their children. The Turning Stick has really witnessed a lot, and this interview will show you just how much.
Before our very eyes, Titus sardine that used to be about ₦350 has jumped to ₦750 and is slowly approaching ₦1,000. What could be the reason for such a drastic increase in price? Of course, hold Buhari. And more importantly, how does Titus sardine feel about being the newest luxury item?
It was such a honour to have Titus sardine grace us with its expensive presence.
Christmas is here again, and as always, chickens are grieving in the market because they are about to be slaughtered. The ones that are not grieving are too expensive, and the ones that are not too expensive don’t have enough meat on them. The next alternative is turkey, but let’s tell ourselves the truth: how many of us can afford a live turkey, especially in this economy where a tin of Titus sardine is the same price as a 48 karat piece of gold?
We know you need nourishment, a piece of animal on your plate of rice to bring you protein. What then can you kill? Worry no more, dear reader. Here is a list of alternative animals you can kill for Christmas:
1. Lizard.
They are roaming around and nobody is really going to hold you back if you catch one or two and add it to your stew. If you fry it deep, it has this crunchy flavour that beats any small chops ever made. Try it.
2. Snake.
People are kuku eating snake. Why must your own now be different? Reports reaching us is that it tastes just like fish. So, what are you waiting for? Just enter the bush or wait in your toilet and wait for a snake to rear its head in your water closet.
3. Cockroaches.
This one gives an extra crunch when you add it to efo riro. People will think they are eating prawns. If you don’t mention anything to them, they might even think you are filthy rich, serving people prawns on Christmas day, in this economy.
4. Stolen goat.
Many goats are roaming free. What harm is there if you catch one and use it to feed your community? You are simply repurposing free meat that might have otherwise wasted. You should get your girlfriend to cook it, by the way. That way, you’ll know if she will stand by you through good and bad times.
5. Your neighbour’s cat.
You must do this as quick as possible, so nobody suspects you. Just lure the cat with a piece of dried fish and when it comes to you, throw it inside a pot of hot water, cover the pot and sit on it. Your neighbour might curse you, but if you give them some of the meat to eat, the curse will be shared equally among the both of you.
6. Your pet dog.
What is Coco doing being a pet dog anyway? The economy is hard, and sooner or later, you might have difficulty feeding that poor dog. So, put the dog out of its future misery by cooking it and sharing it among your neighbours. Add enough curry and thyme with scent leaves to give the meat extra flavour. Don’t worry, it is perfectly normal to eat dogs.
7. Your ex.
Oh, don’t look at me like that. When the two of you fought before breaking up, did you not refer to each other as animals? So, what is the big deal if one of you ends up in a pot of Christmas stew? When the police arrests you sha, just don’t mention Zikoko’s name.
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
December 2021 is here, planning to go outside and get Detty. But COVID is outside, and Constable Sapa is patrolling the streets too. What then happens to Detty December?
Today on Interview With, Detty December tells us why it will go outside regardless.
[Detty December walks in and looks around]
Zikoko: Hello December! Welcome to—
Detty December: Excuse me? Who is December?
Zikoko: Haha. You nau. Do you have another name?
Detty December: The name is Detty. Detty December. Get it right before we start anything.
Zikoko: Dirty?
Detty December: From the way I look, do I appear dirty?
Zikoko: Not at all.
Detty December: Good. So, don’t roll your tongue around it. Just pronounce it right. D-E-T-T-Y, you know. Detty. Detty.
[Detty December smacks lips]
Zikoko: Sorry oh, but did your parents name you “Detty”?
Detty December: Did your parents name you Zikoko?
Zikoko: Ahan, small play. Let’s be calming down oh. Welcome to Interview With. We are pleased to have you here.
Detty December: Well, I am not pleased to be here. I should be out there, popping and happening, and this interview is cutting my time short. But hurry up so I can return outside. Also, why is your office looking so dead? No decorations whatsoever. Didn’t you get the memo that Detty December is in town?
Zikoko: We thought that the Omicron variant would have stopped you from coming out.
Detty December: What is Omarion in the face of Detty December? Girl, please. [Detty December flips bone straight].
Listen, even if they discover their long lost sibling and name it the Osanobua variant, none of them is big enough to stop me. Them and their daddy’s daddy, them no reach. You think I got this name by being afraid of anything? Please. Come rain, come shine, we outside.
Zikoko: Ahan, signboard. Take it easy oh. Does it mean you’re vaccinated?
Detty December: Yes of course. If you want to beat them, you have to collect the injection. I’m too Detty to fall sick. But let me tell you something. It’s jealousy that is worrying Miss ‘Rona. And she chose the wrong target to mess with.
Zikoko: Jealousy? Now why would COVID-19 be jealous of you?
Detty December: Oh no, not COVID. That one is just an agent.
Zikoko: Agent of darkness or MI6 or CIA?
Detty December: You want a story? I’ll give it to you. [Detty December flips bone straight and adjusts on its seat]. So, in 2019, when I decided to become really detty, I went all out. I’m sure you must have seen how Detty December was in 2019. From December 1st to 31st, it was parte after parte after parte. There was no sleep. Bus, another club, another club, plane, next place. The turn up was mad. Artistes were balling, alcohol was flowing, my fellow happening babes were popping.
And there was the universe, taking note of it all and getting jealous. 2020 came, and before I could start putting myself together, the universe sent COVID-19. From March oh, me I even thought it would be gone before I showed up in December. Only for them to ask me and my people to stay indoors. I agreed, but this time, indoors cannot contain me again. This 2021, WE FUCKING OUTSIDE!
Zikoko: Please don’t shout, they are filming Nigerians Talk downstairs.
Detty December: Alright. This 2021, we outside.
Zikoko: But with which money? Because some people have said their budget for Detty December is just ₦1,985.
Detty December: And some people also said their budget is ₦350k. This is why I miss the IJGBs. If you don’t have up to that, outside is not for you.
Zikoko: Ah! Is that not somebody’s salary?
Detty December: That one no concern me. Let them spend their life savings on me sef, I’m worth it and more. When my wicked brother January shows up with its 7 weeks disguised as 4 weeks, they will drink garri and be sober. But now, let them spend.
Detty December: Lizzie better remain in hiding, cause if I see her on the street, we’re definitely throwing hands.
Zikoko: Who is Lizzie?
Detty December: Mama Charlie. Queen Elizabeth.
Detty December and Queen Elizabeth when they jam at Murtala Muhammed Airport.
Zikoko: Ah, please oh. Lower your voice before they put Zikoko on the red list too.
Detty December: WE OUTSIDE!
Zikoko: So, what do you think this year’s Detty December is going to look like, now that IJGBs are out of the equation? Are you worried?
Detty December: I’m disappointed, but I’m not worried. It’s Chinaza from Peckham that missed out; there is still Femi from KPMG. The people I have on ground are sufficient. Besides, with the IJGBs gone, people’s spouses and significant others will be safe because nobody will come and steal them with foreign passport. You know what I’m saying?
Zikoko: Yes, yes, I do. So, now—
[Detty December’s phone rings]
Detty December: Hey babes! OMG, you guys are already at the house party? I AM ON MY WAY!
[Detty December picks up its designer handbag]
Zikoko: Please oh, you people should wear a mask and stay indoors.
Detty December: Indoors? I’m not familiar with that emotion.
[Detty December walks out]
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
There’s always that one person in your DM who sucks at conversations and always goes “Wyd?”, especially at odd hours of the day. Did we lie? You might have even blocked one or two of such people, because which one is “What are you doing?” by 12 a.m.?
If you want to bother with a response the next time this happens, try the following:
1. “Picking beans”
“But make it, “Picking out the stones to cook and throwing the actual beans away. Ask them if they’d like a plate when it’s done, smh.
2. “Counting the sky”
By the time they try to figure out how many skies are there, you’ve blocked them.
3. “Plotting your downfall”
Since it seems your village people sent them to be a nuisance in your DM.
4. “Avoiding you”
For obvious reasons. Period.
5. “Minding my business”
If you’re feeling extra spicy, add that you highly recommend they do same.
6. “Sleeping”
If they ask how you can be sleeping and chatting at the same time, ask them if it’s their sleep. Tch.
7. “Mopping the ocean”
Yes, tell them it is your favourite pastime.
8. “Sending your number and location to kidnappers”
That should send a loud and clear message not to ask you JAMB question.
9. “Things”
The vaguer the better. Even if you’re doing nothing, and bored out of your mind.
10. “Wyd?”
This is a psychology trick of reflection. So, by returning their question, it may hit them how annoying it is.
11. “Damtkoqa
Meaning, “Don’t ask me this kind of question again.” But leave them to figure out what the acronym means.
To create the perfect Nigerian man, you need a few of these things. It’s okay to mess the order up a bit and use substitutes if you can’t find certain ingredients. It’s just that the product might not be the perfect Nigerian man.
1) A tipper of audacity
One thing Nigerian men have in droves is audacity. They don’t care who you or your dad are; they will do whatever they want. This is the most important ingredient in making the perfect Nigerian man, that’s why you need at least a tipper of audacity. Some might have more, but a tipper is the minimum measuring quantity of how much audacity a Nigerian man has.
2) Six litres of lies
What is a Nigerian man without the ability to lie? Six litres of lies might not be enough, but let it be a guide.
3) Dash of unfaithfulness
A dash can be anything from three grains to a whole bucket. A dash is guided by the ancestors, so make sure you call upon the ancestors to guide you on how unfaithful you want this Nigerian man to be.
4) Bowl of inability to cook
Can Nigerian men cook? No. A bowl of inability to cook is what fuels the male Nigerian population. However, some of these men are able to make things like noodles and fried eggs, so the bowl size is dependent on you.
[newsletter]
5) Two cups of hunger
In addition to not knowing how to cook, the perfect Nigerian man is always hungry. This is why he’s always looking for who to cook for him.
Nigerian men are tough and don’t show emotions. They also aren’t fans of moisturiser and think that telling your friends you love them means you’re gay the basic characteristics of the typical alpha male. That’s why the perfect Nigerian man is made of at least five spoons of alpha male.
7) Sprinkle of inability to flirt
”Wanna come over”, “where do you base?”, and “I want to marry you”, are some of the ways Nigerian men flirt. Their compliments also include calling you different shades of wife material, and trying to sleep with people.
8) One cup of entitlement
The one cup of entitlement is to complement the tipper of audacity. There’s nothing that screams “Nigerian man” more than entitlement and audacity. That’s why it is another key ingredient.
Nollywood is improving and we appreciate them for it, but the sex scenes still need extra work. If you watch Nollywood movies hoping to get an idea of what sex looks like, you will be shocked. Here are 9 unrealistic things you will encounter in Nollywood sex scenes:
1. Opening the door and scattering things.
Nollywood (and Hollywood) have some sex scenes that leave me wondering what exactly is going on. Two horny people bang the door open and suddenly start rushing each other like hot jollof. They’ll kiss against the wall, scatter the table, break bulb, remove wig, yank off eyelashes, all the while squeezing and roughing up each other like kitchen foil. Wetin dey go on? Why are you people treating sex like hot yam? Is that how people do it in real life?
2. Questionable sex positions.
I know the idea is not to turn it to porn, but at least make it as realistic as possible. Your actors are doing doggy style but it looks like they are doing bumbum choreography. Plis plis plis. Even the dogs that are the actual inventors of the style sef don’t do it that way. Doggy well or don’t doggy at all.
3. Sex under the sheets.
I am a virgin oh, but even at that, I know that people don’t have sex with the duvet covering them up. First of all, it will impede movement. Secondly, all that kpa-kpa-kpa is happening under a duvet and you are not scared of the heat that will cook up your genitals? By the time you finish the first round under that thick sweater you call a duvet, prepare to emerge with a boiled kpekus and John Thomas.
4. Intense sex but the make-up is still intact.
They will rough up someone in a Nollywood movie, and by the time they are done, the make-up is still intact, eyelashes is still popping, wig is still set. Who are you people deceiving? Ordinary kissing that we are kissing people, things are shifting positions. But you all will now do all that tug of war and nothing will change. Please, please, just stop.
5. Fake moans.
PLEASE STOP OH. JUST STOP. I know people fake moans in real life and films try to be as close to reality as possible, but some fake moans are too fake, please.
6. Ejaculation faces.
Don’t even get me started on this. Can’t we have men looking pretty when they arrive at “the destination”?
7. Kissing with morning breath.
Nollywood (and Hollywood) people wake up and start kissing each other. I don’t care how much I love whoever is in bed, but if it’s early in the morning and a toothbrush hasn’t touched that mouth, please keep it far away from me. Keep iniquity away from my holy mouth.
8. Unrealistic timing.
Just look at this. Una no get job?
9. Collecting tea after sex.
I kid you not. I saw this movie where the actor gave the actress a cup of watery Milo in the morning after sex. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, he said, “Thank you for allowing me deflower you.”
First of all, girl, I am disappointed in you. Someone entered your flower garden to pluck it and you are collecting watery Milo?? Best believe if it were me, I’d be asking you for your entire life.
Anyway, the whole point of this is simple: Sex happens a lot differently from what Nollywood shows us. Please do better or don’t do anything at all. Let your characters be virgins, we will collect it like that.
We will go into this article with the assumption that you all know what “Whocup” means. Please don’t pretend, you cannot tell us that you don’t know that “Whocup” is another name for “Hook up.” Yes, that kind of hook up. Don’t squeeze your face until you hear why we think you should consider this line of business:
1. Your salary does not last till month end.
If your salary does not last till the end of the month, it might be time for you to consider doing Whocup. Whocup pays more, and you don’t even have to work from 9-5, unless you are into that kind of thing.
2. Your bills are threatening to finish your life.
Small salary that you are collecting, bills want to choke it to death. How is a young person to survive in these trying times? The answer? WHOCUP. Stand by the roadside or ask people to refer you. You are kuku sleeping with people for free, why not monetise it?
3. If you are the first child, please enter “Whocup” immediately.
Only first children will understand this. We see your struggle, and we wish we could help, that’s why this article exists. Whocup is the way oh.
4. You can meet your destiny helper.
Whocup is a very diverse field. Who knows who you might encounter that will change your life for good? Do Whocup and succeed!
5. You learn different styles.
“Skibidipapapa” style? Whocup will teach you. “Buhari is on top” style? E dey here. “Osinbajo BDSM speciale?” You will learn it here. By the time you decide to get married, you will have become an encyclopedia of sex styles.
6. You can even travel abroad.
Abroad that people are struggling to enter, one night of intense Whocup and you are on a private jet entering Adelaide. Believe me, I have seen it happen.
7. Whocup keeps your body parts active.
Why go to the gym everyday when you can get the exercise (and the orgasms) you need from Whocup? Whocup erases wrinkles, relieves stress and straightens your back. That’s more than enough reason to discover it.
8. Whocup allows you to discover your hidden talents.
So you can have an entire arm shoved down your throat? Oh who would have thought? You can bend lower than Meganmikuro Thee Stallion? Thanks to Whocup! Is wearing rags your thing? The point is, if you don’t enter Whocup, you might probably go all your life without discovering your hidden talents. EXPLORE TODAY!
9. And if you refuse to do it for all these reasons, remember December is coming.
Wizkid is holding a concert, Burna Boy too. How will you pay for it and still detty your December? Whocup is the way oh, my brother, my sister. Let’s enter this thing now.
Please note sha, in all Whocups you are Whocupping, remember that streets are tough. Follow our advice at your peril.
There is a matter of national urgency we must attend to: many Nigerians are of the opinion that you cannot make ₦30k per day from selling akara. In this Nigeria where akara is competing with the National Cake? When we heard it, we were disappointed. Some people may perish for lack of knowledge, but if you listen to us, that will not be your portion.
Here are 10 valid spots to sell akara and make over ₦30k per day. Start peeling your beans now.
1. Cemetery.
Imagine selling akara to dead bodies who have not eaten anything since their soul departed from this sinful world? Only you, dominating that market and covering distribution from grave to grave. Believe me, you will make nothing less than ₦50k per night. In less than one month, you will be a silent millionaire.
2. Dammy B’s Night Market
If you don’t know her, Dammy B is the Madam of those people that sell anything sellable. Just go to her and beg her to help you. I swear, one client that she will introduce you to can buy like ₦500k akara in one week. You think they call her Dammy B for nothing? The B in her name stands for “Bundles of Cash.” That should tell you what to expect.
Imagine selling akara to Buhari himself. Ah, you are made forever. If they catch you there sha, you may end up in jail, but fortune favours the bold my dear.
4. House of Assembly.
Just camp outside so they can see you and patronise you before they go in for the meeting. As they are deliberating on taxes, let them be munching your akara and wondering just how much to tax lazy akara sellers who cannot meet daily target of ₦30k.
4. Winners Chapel.
You mean to tell me that you can’t make ₦30k per day from selling akara to these people? Come off it, abeg. You know what you should do? Tell them your akara was what was shared at the Last Supper and see how people will rush you like hot Jollof.
5. Redeem Camp.
Ahan, just look at. If you cannot market your akara to this mammoth crowd, then you are the source of your own problem oh.
These people are hungry. Imagine how they will feel to hear that you can now buy akara at the Hell Fire Cafeteria. If you want to finish the business, just add pure water to it as jara. Omo. You go too sell.
7. Coven meeting.
Witches are people too nau. They need something to snack on while plotting to kill Iya Ramo’s first son. For them, you can fry the akara with palm oil. It will look like blood to them and they will rush you. You don’t even need to make ₦30k per day if you have the witches support.
8. ATM queues
You can sell on credit to people here. Operate on a policy of trust. As soon as they withdraw their money, they come and pay you. Some of them can even buy more to take home to their family.
9. Road to heaven
They said the road is long and narrow. Imagine if you camp there and you’re selling akara. If you don’t make ₦30k, come and arrest me
10. Going door to door with a gun and forcing 100 people to buy 300 naira akara.
If everything else fails, remember that violence answereth all things. Don’t dull.
Driving in Lagos will run you mad. One minute, you are a saint, the next minute, you are winding down your window to shout oloriburuku at someone who just almost took out your side mirror. But why raise your voice when you can improve the quality of your madness?
If you ever want them to fear you in Lagos, here are 8 things you must always carry in your car.
1. Calabash and red cloth with three cowries.
This one is for when they stop you at a toll gate or an agbero tries to collect money from you. Always put your money inside it. When you are harassed for money, take it from the calabash. Believe me, they will ask you to be going with your money.
2. Army sticker.
Not everybody who has that “NIGERIAN ARMY” sticker on their windscreen is a part of the army. But who will stop them and ask? Everybody is always afraid of them, and this is why you must get the sticker too. Whatever you do sha, don’t get into trouble with the real army. Zikoko will not cannot save you then.
3. Koboko.
This one is multi-purpose. If someone blocks your car in the parking lot and they still have the nerve to insult you, this one will teach them a lesson. And if any driver bashes your car and tries to move mad, just come down and flog the living daylight out of them. Again, if this person can fight, Zikoko cannot help you.
4. Bathroom slippers.
Wo, any driver that overtakes you in traffic, just wind down and fling it at them. Don’t worry about how you will hit the mark, once the slippers enter your hand, you will feel it.
5. Police cap on the dashboard.
This one can backfire. Too many people have beef with policemen. But they won’t beat you sha. The worst that will happen is that they will offer you N50 bribes when they see you coming towards them.
6. Pankere.
This one is for when a fellow driver misbehaves. Just signal for them to wind down. They will think you have something important to say. Just serve them one on the head — tawai! And speed off.
This is not to show that you are violent. In fact, it is to show that you have enough time for rubbish. If someone overtakes you rudely and you finally get to overtake them, just block their path and pull out your duvet. Now balance on your seat and fall asleep. That place they were rushing to get to, we will see where they will get there. Just pray this person has not read this article because…
8. Blended pepper.
You can also use ground pepper. Just pour it in an empty Ragolis bottle and pierce the cap. Anyone that moves mad next to you, wind down and squirt some pepper in their face. Ojoro cancel ojoro. Their father.
Are you looking to get married to your sweetheart without losing the love of your life? You can do it. Just follow everything we say in this article. We will tell you what to post, what to wear, and how to act. Don’t worry, nobody will catch you.
Here’s what to do:
1. Post one person publicly, but date another one secretly.
That way, when news of your wedding leaks, people can defend you by saying, “Ahan, no oh. S/he was dating this person and they were posting each other publicly.” Before they realise the real truth, you go don born like two children.
2. Don’t throw a wedding party.
Clearly, that goes without saying. If there’s no evidence of a wedding party, then what will they use as proof? And if you throw a wedding party, don’t fret. Do the following things:
3. Post a photo of yourself in your outfit and caption it: “Groomsman duties.” Or, “Maid of honour things. Showing up for my best gal.”
Nobody go know say na you dey do the do.
4. Tweet/post the following things:
a. “Having a small event with friends and family.”
b. “Not me planning to lose my virginity again tonight.”
c. “Damn, I look good today.”
d. “If you are in love with me, this is your last chance.”
e. “This place has fine men/women. I’m leaving here with one of them.”
f. “Not me being overdressed for a church event.”
g. “What a day.”
h. “The DJ at this wedding is lit oh. Ahan.”
i. “Trust nobody.”
j. “Why are these people throwing confetti on me ffs?”
5. Be a Yoruba man.
If you are a Yoruba man, getting married without letting people know is your speciality. You don’t need any tips from us. Keep doing the things you do, Femi. May your reign last long, and may your empire never crumble.
6. Be an Igbo woman.
Although, as an Igbo woman, people will eventually know you got married. It’s just the person who was planning to get married to you before that will find out later when news of your marriage to someone else pops up. Anyway, keep going to your hometown, babes. We see you.
Bestfriends (or Besties) are important, especially if you are a Nigerian woman with a boyfriend. Let us tell you the truth: you boyfriend might be capable, but there will always be some things he cannot do for you. When this gap opens, it becomes important for you to have a male bestie who will fill in that gap.
Without further ado, here are nine very important reasons why every Nigerian woman must have a male bestie.
1. To share hoe stories that your boyfriend is too fragile to hear.
Your boyfriend will probably not be able to stomach certain stories of you, even if they are from your past. So, who do you tell it to? Your male bestie. He will listen without judging you, and he will even give you tips on how to hide things better.
2. To help you zip up your dress.
This is essential. Yes, you have a boyfriend, but will he always be available to handle some small tasks like this? The answer is no. And that’s where your male bestie comes in. It’s just to pull up a zipper, nothing serious.
3. To give you a shoulder to cry on when your boyfriend is moving mad.
Your boyfriend is hurting you and you need to vent and cry. Will you also go to your boyfriend to do that? You need a male bestie! Because he is a guy, he will help you see things from the male point of view. A female bestie is good, but what if she decides to go behind you and eat your boyfriend’s work? Men are cheap oh.
4. To help you practice sexual positions so you can be experienced enough for your boyfriend.
Men love experience. Nigerian men especially. So, if you happen to have very little experience, you need a male bestie who has more experience and is willing to show you the ropes. Don’t worry, you people don’t have to go naked. Is it not just to show each other sexual positions?
5. To help you practice kissing techniques too, so you can know if you are the poor kisser or your boyfriend.
This is important. You might end up breaking up with your boyfriend, but you don’t want him to go about saying that you are a poor kisser. You better get a male bestie to help you practice really hard. And we mean really hard.
6. To act as the mannequin head so you can test how your wig will look when you part it to the centre instead of the side.
Let’s be honest, if you ask your boyfriend to bring his head so you can use him for wig testing, will he agree? Someone that toxic masculinity is about to finish. You better get yourself a male bestie who will agree.
7. To pray with you on days when the weather is cold so you do not fall into temptation.
Imagine it rains while your boyfriend is stuck at work and your body is doing gish-gish. The devil is a respecter of no woman, shebi you know? That’s why you need a male bestie who lives close by and who can lay pipe hands on you.
8. To take you out, in case your boyfriend does not like wakawaka.
You, an extrovert dating a homebody. It won’t work nau. Just find a male bestie who will go to clubs and every other place with you. There’s nothing to worry about, after all, you will still return home to your boyfriend.
9. To partake in your threesome, so that you don’t have to invite a stranger.
Let’s assume your boyfriend finally decided to have a threesome. Do you want him to go and bring an outsider? The answer is no. This is one of the reasons why your male bestie exists. Just bring him as the third person. Better to ride the joystick of a friend than to feel the lollipop of a stranger, or whatever did Aristotle say.
The Nigerian government has banned okada, keke maruwa, cryptocurrency and Twitter — everything except the actual thing they should ban: LEGWORK. Before you say anything, hear us out. We have weighed the pros and cons of the legwork dance and in this article, we present to you eight solid reasons why the Nigerian government should actually ban legwork.
1. First of all, it is a death sentence to 30+ people.
Legwork is a dance of Gen Z and people with excess energy to waste. 30+ ought to avoid this dance, but they don’t want to be left out and so they attempt it, only to end up with serious back pain or at an orthopaedic hospital, trying to correct broken bones. 30+ people make up a large part of the Nigerian population. Dear President Buhari, is it until your people kill themselves over legwork before you ban it?
2. It turns respectable citizens into hoodlums.
You go to a party and everywhere is calm and peaceful. The moment the DJ plays Aborintayin or Watimagbo, the whole event hall will scatter and you will see people becoming what you never imagined they would be. Even if Dangote hears Aborintayin, we are sure he will also become something else. We cannot risk this happening.
3. It is the last bus-stop before you graduate into full-blown madness.
Have you seen the face people make when they do legwork? The wide open mouth, the expression of agony, the tongue that dangles from the side of their mouth. If such person is left to do the legwork for one hour uninterrupted, this is how they will end up:
4. It is the reason why many Nigerian youths don’t want to go into farming.
Nigerian youths are not lazy, they just choose to invest their energy on something else. Sadly, that ‘something else’ is legwork. If the government wants to trap them, let Buhari just declare that there will be an empowerment scheme where youths will be empowered with legwork. The registration website will crash in less than thirty minutes because of the amount of people rushing to sign up. If things continue like this, we will have a generation that is only interested in legwork. Ban this dance now.
5. It damages the surface of the earth and could lead to earthquake allowed to continues.
According to a study I made up on my own, legwork is the reason for the earthquakes the world has suffered in recent times. Nigeria may have escaped these earthquakes, but if we continue allowing people to stomp on the ground all in the name of legwork, then we are on the verge of our own destruction.
6. It is ableist.
In Killing Dem, Zlatan opened the mouth God gave him and said, “You are not Ayefele, so what’s your excuse [for not doing legwork]?” Imagine. Ayefele did not speak, but we have taken up his case and we will pursue this matter until the Nigerian government bans legwork.
7. Everyday, there are new variants of it.
People are yet to understand the basic one, and they are already complicating it by bringing out new versions that are even more complicated and difficult. This is a clear sign that they want to confine legwork to a specific group of people. For this reason, we move the motion for a ban.
8. And if the government refuses to consider these reasons, please ban it because of Liquorose.
Even if the DJ plays a song by Celine Dion, BBNaija Season 6 housemate Liqourose must do legwork. Dear Mr. President sir, if you won’t ban BBNaija because of all that we have said, please ban it so Liquorose can rest and we can all have collective peace.
Kneeling on the floor at a restaurant with a ring in your hand is so 1990s and booooring. There are more exciting ways to ask a woman to marry you and it’ll guarantee you a loud “yes!” Read on to see other ways you ask someone to marry you.
1. Toss the ring at them and shout “catch”.
By catching it, it means they’ve accepted your offer.
2. Show up at her family house with engagements like rice, yam and goats.
Try and make sure the goat does not eat the yam on your way there. If she refuses and chases you away, try and make sure the goat does not eat the yam on the way back, so that you can collect a refund.
3. Ask your best friend to hang around when you’re proposing.
4. If she says no, you can have your director shout “CUT!” so you can pretend it was a movie. You can even pretend the tears in your eyes are fake.
5. Write a dissertation listing the reasons why they should marry you.
What is worth doing is worth doing well. Write that thesis. If they say no, they have to write her own counter-thesis explaining all the reasons why. Call it your bachelor thesis.
6. Put it inside her pasta.
You know how Nigerian women love their pasta. You’re sure she’s going to finish it so she’ll definitely see it.
7. Hold a gun to her head.
Nobody says no at gunpoint.
8. Release your dog.
When they say yes, you can chain the dog back. If this backfires, don’t blame us oh.
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Urgent 2k is a valid Nigerian currency. It is more than an emergency fund; it is a lifesaver, a life jacket when you are drowning. In fact, this currency has been recognised to be the cause of several relationship break-ups and a number of fallouts.
Today on Interview With, we asked Urgent 2k about its meteoric rise to fame, how it deals with problems, and how it has managed to stay successful, in spite of the other denominations of money available in Nigeria.
Zikoko: Hello. It’s so wonderful to have you here.
Urgent 2k: The pleasure is all mine. I have never imagined that I would one day be interviewed by the good people of Zikoko.
Oh really?
Yes oh. I usually hear stories about the other people you interview and I just allow myself to dream. I am just an ordinary “urgent 2k”, I didn’t think you would even be interested in me. So, when I got the invitation to come into your office, I could not believe it.
You need to give yourself more credit, please. You are not ordinary.
I know. But these days, many people don’t consider you rich enough if you only have 2k in your account. Rihanna just became a billionaire. Do you think she would make the news if she had only 2k in her account?
That’s a different case.
True, sha.
Can you tell us about your journey to fame?
My dear, when it is your time, it is your time oh. I might not be famous in other countries, and that’s why I keep my mouth shut when the argument goes international. But in Nigeria, I know the power I hold. Sometimes, I am even greater than 10k sent at the wrong time.
Ahan, slow down please. Pride goes before a fall.
It’s not pride if it’s facts. Urgent 2k a day keeps sapa away. 10k can make you happy, but is it not better to be receiving regular urgent 2k than to receive 10k once a month and not see anything until the next month?
Fair point.
Do you think it’s easy to have “urgent” as my title? There are many 2ks in the world, but being “urgent” is what makes me different. You can have 2k on top of your salary, 2k as part of your bill at a restaurant, but have you ever been stranded with zero naira in your account and someone sends you Urgent 2k?
Hmm…
That’s what I’m talking about! I am small but mighty. I have become so important that people call my name when they refer to larger amounts of money. Someone who works at KPMG will wake up and say they are going to work so they can make urgent 2k.
Please leave KPMG men out of this.
It’s true sha. Before they start posting their payslips online to prove that they earn more than 2k. Anyway, that’s their own wahala. In this Nigeria that we live in, every salary is an urgent 2k.
You are in high demand… Are you happy about this?
I like the way I’m feeling now. Nobody should come and use their reggae to spoil my blues and rhythm now. I have learnt how to be satisfied, but that is something I make sure others don’t have. I am like sugar; once you taste urgent 2k once, there is no going back.
Is that why you are destroying relationships?
Excuse me?
Many people have broken up today because of urgent 2k…
Or you mean to say that many Nigerian men use me as an excuse to break up with their girlfriend? I have heard what Nigerian men are up to in these streets and I tell you, I am disgusted. You will see a man come online to say that, “If a babe asks you for urgent 2k, break up with her.” Or, “If a babe asks you for urgent 2k, you too ask her for urgent sex.”
Please and please, Femi, are you not also receiving urgent 2k from people? Did they ask you to surrender penis before sending me to your account? Why are you people inconsiderate like this? You think urgent 2k is enough to boast on? Okay oh, keep going. Sapa will humble you.
You have mentioned Sapa twice in this interview. Should we interview Sapa too?
Yes oh. Sapa is my colleague and we work together. I can give you his phone number if you want. Can I tell you a secret?
Yes.
Sometimes, if I see someone misbehaving, perhaps the person is bragging online or showing off that they will never need urgent 2k in their life, I send Sapa to attack them. By the time Sapa has dealt with them seriously, I will now step in. I don’t know if it has ever happened to you, but receiving urgent 2k after Sapa has choked you is worthy of a testimony.
This is the story of almost every Nigerian.
Ah, maybe the government should create a holiday in my name? National Urgent 2k Day. That day, everybody receives urgent 2k and the world is happy.
We might have to make it N2,100.
Why?
POS charges.
Wahala everywhere.
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
There are too many people on these streets claiming to be what they are not. At least five people out of six claim to be a bad bitch, even when they do not have the range or ability for it.
Anyway, we have decided to put you all in your place. If these signs manifest in your life, then it means you are not the bad bitch you actually think you are.
1. You catch feelings quick.
Someone will text you everyday for two weeks and you have already caught feelings. Do you really think that’s an attribute of a bad bitch?
2. You still live under your parents’ roof.
Your parents are housing you and you want to come out and claim bad bitch. Which money will you use to paint town red? Your pocket money?
3. You slimfit your jeans because you can’t find your size.
Please just rest. Don’t drag anything, just quietly renounce the title of bad bitch and live a honest life.
4. You cry when you watch movies.
Even songs, you are crying. You think being bad bitch is about being Nkiru Sylvanus’ intern? Abeg comot for here.
5. You are studying biochemistry, engineering, sociology, or geology.
Even if they are distributing bad bitch forms for free, it will never reach you. Just focus on your studies, eh?
6. You are the second born.
You got leftover baby clothes from the first born. Sorry to break it to you, but you don’t qualify.
7. You moan during sex.
Something you are supposed to chest and keep quiet. Ask the real bad bitches, they don’t even do pim.
8. You attend Covenant University.
Hmmm. It is well. Please dissociate yourself from being a bad bitch before your school authorities decide to abolish bad bitches worldwide.
9. You have a babyface.
Nature has already denied you access to the bad bitch circle. Please rest.
10. Your name is Desire, Damilola, TiaraOluwa, Chioma, Amaka, Favour.
Ah, please go and do change of name before you even think of calling yourself a bad bitch, abeg.
11. Your name is Blessing.
Sorry dear, even if you change your name, you still cannot be a bad bitch. Having Blessing as your name has forever robbed you of that chance.
12. You cannot swim or ride a bicycle.
Instead of you to be learning how to do these things, you are trying to be a bad bitch. Do you even have your priorities aligned?
13. Your parents did not throw a first year birthday party for you.
Smart parents. They already know you don’t have the potential for it.
14. You have less than five wigs.
More importantly, what will your life as a bad bitch look like?
15. You cannot draw your own eyebrows.
At this point, just give up. If they call bad bitches and you answer eh, we will personally find you and cane you.
Love is not difficult; if your partner loves you, it is clear to see and know. But sometimes, you might be with someone who is showing signs that are very hard to read. You then spend the entire time wondering if they love you or not.
You don’t have to worry anymore. Here are 12 easy ways to know your partner no longer loves you.
1. If they sleep with their back turned to you.
They are already showing you their back. It’s time to start packing your load because that relationship is on its last bar. It won’t last another month.
2. If you tell them you have not eaten and they say, “Ehya, make sure you eat something oh.”
Of course, they no longer care if you die or live. They are over you. Think back to when you first met; did they not send you food, at the very least?
3. If you ask to come visit them and they say, “Come if you want.”
You don cast. Better break up before you find out that they are marrying someone who is not you.
4. If you ask to come visit them and they say, “Yes, you can come.”
Should you even have to ask? When the relationship started, were they not begging you to come and visit them? What changed?
5. If the number of sexual rounds reduce.
Of course, they can no longer stand you. They just want you to get up and leave their space.
6. If the number of sexual rounds increase.
Clearly, they want to enjoy what they can enjoy before they throw you out like trash. Do you want our advice? Deprive them of that enjoyment. Lock up and then break up.
7. If they don’t like you eating from their plate.
The both of you ordered rice and they still don’t want you to eat sixteen spoons from their rice? Omo, better break-up. There is nothing left for you in that relationship.
8. If they ask you to eat from their food.
They are indirectly calling you a longthroat. If I were you, I will not eat that food. It’s break-up straight.
9. If they fall asleep before you.
If this is not enough sign for you, then you need help.
10. If they fall asleep after you.
Are you a child that they have to put you to bed first? That person is infantlising you. Please leave. We want you to want better for yourself.
11. If they come back from an outing without buying you anything, just because you said you don’t want anything.
They couldn’t even make an effort?? Nah, that person no longer loves you.
12. If they come back from an outing and give you a gift even after you said you don’t want anything.
This person clearly doesn’t listen to you. Are you proud to be in a relationship where your words don’t count? You better leave. There is no more love in that relationship. It has dried up.
There are many signs of a stubborn girlfriend. But sometimes, ladies can disguise their stubbornness in a way that will make you completely unaware of this. In other words, a babe can call you “Big Head” until you enter the relationship and she actually shows you who has the bigger head.
Or she might not even need to disguise. She can be her stubborn self and because stubbornness turns you on, you will chase her and enter a relationship with her.
In any case, here are 13 signs of a stubborn girlfriend.
1. She has natural hair.
If you think we are lying, conduct a survey of naturalistas. Come back to report your findings to us.
Special Mention:Babes on lowcut. They are also on the list. Them dey try small.
2. She was born in March, June, July, August, and September.
Quick, think of all the stubborn girls you have dated in the past. What months were they born in? Oh, you see the connection now?
Special Mention:Girls born in February. Their own stubborness is incomplete, but their head dey spark sometimes.
3. She has no front hair.
Stubbornness is what removed all her front hair. Don’t do Ghana weaving, don’t do box braids, she said no. It’s not only in relationships that she shows her stubbornness, she carried it into her hair choices too.
4. She is the last born.
These ones are born with the stubbornness. It is their natural talent.
5. She has at least one brother.
That’s how she sharpens her stubbornness. Practice makes perfect, you know. That way, when you enter her life, she can display all the things she has practiced on you.
6. Her forehead is big.
Take a quick guess: what do you think is in there? One answer: STUBBORNNESS.
7. She is below 5’6″
We hate to say this, but the stubbornness is what is pressing her down. Let her stop being stubborn for a while and see how tall she will be.
8. Her shoe size is between 36 – 40.
Even you, you know we are not lying.
9. She wears glasses.
At least 80% of them. The source of our statistics? Guinness Book Of World Records, Enugu Edition.
10. She doesn’t wear make-up.
Yes, we said it. Do you have a problem with that? Show up in our office with your counter claim.
11. She wears make-up.
Again, we said it. If you have a problem with that, show up in our office with a face full of make-up and we will show you just how stubborn you are, coming to challenge something we said, instead of just accepting it.
12. She attends Unilag, Covenant University, Babcock, and OAU.
Streets are tough, but Nigerian men are tougher. A lot of them are struggling, but you won’t know because of how organised they are. Well, we have hacked their secrets. If you are dating or planning to date any man who manifests any of these signs, please run. That guy is broke and has nothing to offer you.
Stay woke, queens.
1. If he is a poet.
These ones are the original owners of the word struggle. They will serenade you with romantic lines and even give you one or two orgasms while at it, but when it’s time for them to drop something, best believe they can drop dead. Flee, my babe.
2. If he works at a start-up.
Yes, forget all you have heard about tech bros. The only ones that are not struggling are the ones in Paystack and Flutterwave. You see the rest of them? Struggle with a sprinkle of scaling and growth.
3. If he is always hungry.
The typical Nigerian man. See ehn, if you meet any and the first thing he’s concerned about is if you can cook fresh stew or make pap, just gather your wig under your armpit and run before you enter everlasting struggle.
4. If he is a musician.
Yes, they look good and babes are rushing them. But if you check their account balance ehn, it’s emptier than a doll’s head. Just collect the song and the orgasm they will offer. You see financial capabilities? It’s not from them biko.
5. If he doesn’t have a beard.
Someone does not have a beard and you think he’s not struggling? Listen, he is struggling with forces and principalities that even you cannot see.
6. If he has a beard.
Surely you know he kept it so he can be struggling with it until you come into his life and he can transfer the chaos to you. You better run.
7. If he has dyed his hair at least two times.
He might look chic and alte, but listen, mans is going through existential struggles. Enter it and you too will collect.
8. If he still lives with his parents.
Um, do you still want us to talk, or will you take the hint already?
9. If he lives alone.
Clearly that guy is struggling with a lot of interpersonal problems and they are so much that had to move out of the house. Get it?
10. If he is good in bed.
That means he cannot offer you anything else, so he wants to use knacks to finish your life until you are confused on whether to stay or leave. May the compass of your life lead you aright.
11. If he is not good in bed.
Of course he is struggling in the bedmatics part. Is that the kind of life you want for yourself?
12. If he has a powerbank.
Yes please, Twitter people have said that powerbank is a sign of struggle. Just take it that way.
13. If he is still alive.
Since you have all these demands, you might as well just settle for a dead guy so you can be free of struggling forever and you both can rest in peace.
Dearest reader, tough times are now beginning to last. Gone are those days where people have decency and often refuse to pick money at parties. These days, many more people are throwing money in the air at parties and if you cannot beat them, it’s probably better to join them.
Without further ado, here’s how to pick plenty money when you are chanced to attend a party where such an act is being done.
Your hands will never be enough to do the job. We’re not even lying to you. Once they fling money in the air like this, just use your net to gather it. Work smart, not hard.
2. If you don’t have fishing net, use your kitchen sieve.
This one too will do the work. Just jump and pack money like water. People might want to beat you, but we’ll tell you how to deal with them. Just be reading.
3. Whatever you do, don’t stay in the front.
Always stay in the middle. You know why? When the money is thrown, it won’t land in front, it will go into the crowd and you will be able to catch it because you have the advantage of position.
4. Make sure your clothes are tight.
If you wear baggy clothes, someone will drag you. Remember, the market is competitive.
Slippers is impractical because someone can step on your slippers while you are picking money. Besides, slippers won’t allow you run well. This thing requires sense.
6. Know how to push people.
Sorry for this advice, but the game is the game. Do you want to catch money or do you want to be a good samaritan? The choice is yours oh, Ogbuefi.
7. If they are spraying the money and not throwing it in the air, put chewing gum under your shoes.
You know how this works? You chew the gum a bit, and them gum it under your shoe in mutiple places. Then you walk into the party where the money has been sprayed. Walk around on top of the money and then carefully walk out. Repeat the process until you have packed enough money.
Here’s another example:
8. Find someone to collaborate with.
Teamwork is important in this kind of situation. Just find someone that cannot cheat you. At the end of the day, you both will calculate how much you have picked and then share it.
Streets are tough, but Nigerian babes are tougher. A lot of them are struggling, but you won’t know because of how organised they are. Well, we have hacked their secrets. If you are dating or planning to date any babe who manifests any of these signs, please run. That madam is broke and has nothing to offer you.
Stay woke, kings.
1. If she is still in the university.
This is the number one marker of a struggling babe. If you date her, the only thing she will bring to the table is past questions and Dr. Ojewole’s ECN 211 handout. My guy, abeg flee.
2. If she works at a 9 – 5.
LMAO this one is clearly still struggling. If you date her, just know you will carry all the expenses, because how much will they pay her at the 9 – 5 if not money for creamy pasta? You better leave her alone.
3. If you cannot give you at least N200K when you have an emergency.
God forbid poverty for you oh. Imagine dating a babe that does not have spare N200k lying in her account. What are you doing in that kind of relationship?
4. If she is between 21 -25.
Please and please just go. Babes in this age bracket are the founding members of the struggling babes association, Nigerian chapter. Date them at your own risk.
5. If she owns this shoe.
This is their signature shoes. You know where they wear it to? To eat creamy pasta that they didn’t pay for. You don’t believe us? Throw one leg of this shoe into a Lagos restaurant. Honest to God, you will hit a struggling babe about to lift her third forkful of pasta into her mouth.
6. If she wears thrift.
Please oh, leave that struggling madam alone and go for a babe who can comfortably wear Deola Sagoe to ShopRite.
7. If she has less than 5 wigs.
Clearly, that poor babe is struggling. Leave her on her own, please. When she has money, let her come back to the relationship.
8. If she has no egdes.
Guy, run oh. Clearly that babe has lost one struggle. Enter a relationship with her and you will end up losing more.
9. If she is not up to 5’9″
She might not be struggling financially, but there are other factors she is struggling with. Free that babe, abeg, make she carry her wahala dey go.
10. If she is the first daughter.
Ah, you want to date a family woman? You better leave her before you enter the relationship and join her in her struggles.
11. If she is still alive.
Toh, I see you like struggling a lot. Someone is battling all the many things life is throwing at her and you still want to date her? You better settle for a dead babe so you can both rest in peace.
Bad news: Dubai has suspended Direct Employment Visa for Nigerians.
For emphasis, in case you did not see it the first time: The United Arab Emirates has reportedly suspended Direct Employment Visa for Nigerians. Why? Because of the increasing crime rates involving Nigerians in the Middle-East country.
Ah!
In other words, if you have suffered for 19 years and you had plans to shake your ass in a thong on a yacht in Dubai, you might want to reconsider so that you will not enter Dubai and land in jail. You that it’s ordinary bum-bum you had plans to shake.
Anyway, we made a list of other places you can shake your ass, now that Dubai has casted.
1. Lekki Phase 1 when the flood comes.
Imagine climbing on top of that signpost and shaking your ass like you are competing in the Twerk Olympics. C’mon, Megan Thee Stallion from Admiralty way. You go, girl!
2. Tarkwa Bay.
Who needs a yacht when you can climb a speedboat and shoot out your bum-bum? If the desirable is not available, you make the available desirable. Aspire to papapa.
3. Eko Atlantic.
It’s kuku greed that is worrying you, honestly. Because why do you want to go to Dubai when you can enter Eko Atlantic? You sef, pronounce the name: EKO ATLANTIC. Omo, the way my bum-bum jiggles of its own accord whenever it hears that name!
4. Bar Beach.
If it’s not for civilization and oversabi, did we not all grow up shaking our asses in Bar Beach? Now that Dubai has suspended Direct Employment Visa for Nigerians, it might be time to return to our roots. This time, you don’t need a yacht. Just climb a horse and when it begins to gallop chukwudi-chukwudi-chukwudi, I am sure your bum-bum will not sit down and look. It will follow it to jiggle.
5. Oniru Beach.
It’s a private beach. You know what that means? YOU CAN EVEN BE NAKED AND NOBODY WILL CATCH YOU!
6. Abuja.
Why go to Dubai when you can do your business at Jabi Boat Club in Abuja? First of all, you might be lucky and your jiggly derriere might attract a politician. Or a sugar daddy can be caught in the strap of your thong. Even better, you might get cocaine and oud as a souvenir.
7. Ikeja along.
Let it not be that we are recommending only areas with water for you. There is also Ikeja Along, if you prefer to shake your ass on dry land. A major benefit of this is that you cannot piss a mermaid off or drown by mistake.
8. Or maybe Ghana, since you are not satisfied with the country God put you in.
Just know that if Lai Mohammed hears that you, a bonafide citizen of the UAR, is shaking your God-given UAR ass in Ghana where Twitter is, you are in soup. And walahi talahi, Abike Dabiri-Erewa will look at you and comot eye. That’s the beginning of renewed suffering. Happy ass-shaking.
Too many unserious men are on this earth and the greatest mistake a person can make is to encounter one of them. You might have encountered one, but don’t panic. Go through this list and see if your boyfriend manifests any of the signs.
We are rooting for you.
1. He cannot die for you.
What is now the point of the love? Abeg oh, this is 2021. Any guy who is not willing to literally die for you, let him go. Can he not use Romeo as his role model?
2. He does not promise you the whole world.
The one true mark of a serious boyfriend is that he promises you the world and he actually gives it to you. How will he do it? Frankly, we don’t care. Let him tell everybody on planet earth to relocate so it will remain both of you. Planetary romance>>>
3. He calls you his one and only but he worships God.
Clearly, that one is not serious. Why must he worship any divine being when you are right there? Why is he cheating on you with a spiritual being??
4. He is not tall, dark and handsome.
The audacity! Can’t he get surgery to match the look? How else can you relive the fantasy of the Harlequin romance novels you have read?
5. He does not have 3 bank accounts.
God abeg oh.
6. He cannot rent out the whole cinema so the both of you can watch Yoruba film in peace.
IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS! WHY IS HE NOT UNDERSTANDING THIS??
7. He did not finish with a first class.
Of course he is not serious and that is a clear proof.
8. He calls you Mummy but does not celebrate you on Mother’s Day.
Why is he still rolling with his mother when you are right there? Omo, any man that cannot abandon his mother for you is an unserious person. Abeg break up.
9. He cannot read your mind.
Hian oh. So he expects you to be in a relationship and be comunicating effectively? Never. If he cannot say what you are thinking, then he is not putting in the efforts. Such blatant unseriousness.
10. He cannot go 7 rounds in bed.
Seven is the number of perfection. If he cannot give you that perfection in bed, surely you must know that he is not serious enough to keep you.
11. He is still alive.
Clearly, that guy has no element of seriousness in him. Why is he alive while others are in the great beyond running things with Baba God? You better break up with him today and find a guy who will be serious with you.
When you do find that serious guy, here’s how to make him fall in love with you:
How to make a guy fall in love with you in these difficult times? That depends on a lot of things, but it can be a hard feat especially if the guy is playing hard to get. But men are cheap, and we know just the right thing you need to do. How to make a guy fall in love with you? Just follow our tips and you’ll land the love of your love.
1. Be wicked to him.
Listen, men are turned on by wickedness. The more wicked you are, the more they chase after you like a fly pursuing a corpse. So, if you are looking for how to make a guy fall in love with you, increase the level of your wickedness. Who nice girl help? Certainly not in this situation.
2. Call him big head and insult him.
Yes. That’s the only way to codedly let him know that you are interested in farming on his vineyard. If he doesn’t get the hint on time, casually say, “Abeg oh, I don’t want your girlfriend to come and beat me oh” and his senses will be activated and he will start chasing you in earnest.
3. Buy him gifts.
Some men are naturally materialistic and you might need to win them over with gifts. Don’t worry about the money, you will collect it back in the relationship.
4. Cook for him.
The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Especially the men of this generation that are always talking about food like it was hunger that sent them out of heaven. So, start by taking a cooler of food to his house. By the time you use your period blood to make efo riro for him, he will not know what hit him. He will just know he has to date you.
5. Toast him.
Swallow your pride and tell him, “Guy, I like you oh. Let’s be eating each other’s work in the eyes of the carton.” That’s unrefined, but I know you can do better than that.
6. Take his name to God in prayers.
What can prayer not do? Nothing biko. Just find his name and leave prayers to do its work.
7. Do juju.
In case prayer is not your thing, juju is there. You won’t even have to sweat. Just put his mother’s name and that guy will move into your house in the middle of the night.
8. Last last, maybe you should rest.
Because if you are looking for how to make a guy fall in love with you, maybe that relationship is bound to fail right from the very beginning. Just saying.
Relationships can be hard, and sometimes you just need someone to give you a bit of advice. Ask Ozzy is our new advice column where you send Zikoko the relationship questions that have been bugging you, and Ozzy Etomi gives you the best relationship advice. The column is part of our brand new category, Ships, that tackles all kinds of relationships, not just the romantic ones. If you’d like to send in your questions, click here.
So you like a man but you have just found out that he is married? And so? Marriage? Is that why you are downcast? You better wipe your tears and follow our advice. Collect your man, biko. That marriage is just a training ground for him to become a better husband to you.
Here’s how to go about it:
1. Go to his wife and let her know that you are interested.
Come to her as a woman. The options are simple: she should either share with you or get comfortable with the fact that one day, she will wake up and he will be gone. Which one does she prefer? Let her pick her poison.
2. If the said husband is a celebrity, find your way into his circle.
Is he an actor? Find a way to do waka pass in the next movie he’s appearing in. Play your cards right and the next thing you know, you will waka pass into his heart and life.
3. Let’s assume this husband is a musician.
*Please note, this is just an assumption. You are responsible for whoever you picture in your mind.
But let’s assume he is a musician sha. Find a way to attend his concert. Dance so he can notice you oh, otherwise they might pursue you from the concert for wasting space. When he notices you, he will bring you up. The ball is now in your court. Dance your way into holy matrimony, dear.
4. Or maybe audition to be a back‐up singer.
It doesn’t matter if you can sing or not. Just know how to do “Uh‐oh ouuuu” and you’re halfway there. Before they realise you are a sham, you will have become a back‐up wife. Who back‐up singing help? Certainly you.
5. Orrrrr, kuku walk to the husband and tell him you like him.
Who knows, he could be down for it too. Is it not Lagos men again? Besides, the ways of the Lord are mysterious and unpredictable. Confess what you hope to possess.
6. Pray and fast, don’t forget.
Oh, you think you can collect a whole husband without spiritual backing? I pity you oh. Wait until the fire of the Lord consumes you for trying separate what has been joined together by the soldering iron of the spirit realm.
7. And if prayer is not your thing, do juju.
Yes please. Don’t act shocked. Do you want the husband or not? Answer quickly please, Amadioha is waiting.
8. Please note: anything your eyes see, take it like that oh.
Before you come and say it’s Zikoko that gave you advice. Our hand no dey oh.
Dear Nigerian men (and men in the world everywhere), the matter of bum-bum washing is an important one. The agenda that men should wash their bum-bum or even take special note of their hygiene is being spread and must be abolished immediately.
Here are the reasons:
1. First of all, women will want to peg you.
Women of this generation are woke to evil things. They can identify a clean bum-bum from miles away. The moment they identify you as a possessor of a washed bum-bum, they will start chasing you about with a dildo. Refuse to fall into that trap.
2. What if you get turned on and discover that you are gay?
Suddenly, you will be looking for men to romance you. You that you have sworn that homophobia will keep you in this country. You better wear your boxers after shitting. Clean bum-bum where? God forbid, it’s not your portion.
3. Next thing you know, you will be shaking bum-bum on the streets.
All because soap and water passed through that bum-bum. I rebuke it for you oh. Anything that will cause your bum-bum to shake, may it vanish from your life. Even when you want to bathe, shoot out your bum-bum so water will not touch it.
4. Your buttocks will automatically begin to draw the attention of woke men.
The same way we have woke women is how we have woke men. Refuse to clean your bum-bum and you will be safe from them.
5. You’ll probably want to start shaving the hair there.
Na from clap, dance dey start. You that the hair between your ass crack is enough to make a double drawn Peruvian wig complete with eyelashes. You better keep it that way.
6. Next thing you know, you are changing your toothbrush after three months.
Toothbrush that you usually use for one year or six months.
7. Next thing you know, you are applying roll-on under your arms.
You that you usually go out smelling like you bathed in ponmo water. They want to deprive you of your natural fragrance. You better refuse it.
8. Next thing you know, you are wearing lingerie.
And that begins your fall as a manly man. All because you washed your bum-bum.
9. Next thing you know, you are looking for someone to grab your bum-bum because it suddenly feels soft.
And that, my dear man, is the end of your life. So, keep your life. Absolutely refuse to wash your bum-bum. Why did God even give you bum-bum sef, when He could easily have given you more audacity.
You better carry skid marks on your boxer shorts. Go about smelling the way you do. A king and more.
When you hear Children’s Day, many of you think it’s for your little nephews and nieces and your neighbour’s children. But what of that your girlfriend? Oh, you think because she is in her 20s, she is no longer a child? Think again.
If she manifests any of the characteristics we have listed here, please buy her a children’s day gift. At the very least, take her to an amusement park, let her play with her fellow children.
1. If her younger sister is taller than her.
Please buy that child a Children’s Day gift.
2. If she has this skirt.
You better buy her pinging leggings and yori yori blouse to complete her wardrobe. Maybe buy her hair bond too. Be her father and her lover.
3. If she still lives with her parents.
She will be considered an adult when she is independent. If not, the committee will still consider her a child, plis.
4. If she types am instead of I’m.
You’re dating a Kindergarten babe in adult abeg. If she refuses to change, she’ll be getting a children’s day gift every year.
5. If her shoe size is between size 32 to size 40.
Please buy her konkon shoe. Let her wear it to church to recite her memory verse.
6. If her hand cannot reach the top shelf or the ceiling fan.
The same way you have been helping her to achieve great things, help her achieve that feeling of childhood again. Buy her a gift!
7. If she owns any of these sandals.
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me.” Buy Chinenye of Galilee a new pair of sandals so she can join other children to meet the Lord.
8. If she runs before crossing the road.
Girlfriend that does not have courage, is that one an adult? It’s very sure she’s still in children’s church.
9. If she cannot spell.
You too, judge it. Doesn’t she deserve a gift? Maybe Queen Primer.
10. If she cannot solve Maths.
Test her. If she fails, take her to the amusement park to meet her fellow kids.
11. If she is the last born.
Clearly, you are dating a child. Text her to wish her a happy children’s day!
12. If her name is Princess or Mama.
My dear, you know what to do. Buy that poor child a gift.
Succeeding is hard in this country. Even when you make it, you are accused of ‘sleeping your way to the top’ even though you were wide awake. How then does one sleep their way to the top, since people will accuse you of doing it regardless?
We have ideas. It’s time to sleep your way to the top. Goodbye to working hard!
1. Look for an upstairs apartment and rent.
Your mattress will be upstairs too, won’t it? Congratulations, you have slept your way to the top.
2. Don’t attend job interviews.
Just find a comfortable spot in your place of worship and sleep. Divine connection through sleep. Which top is higher than heaven? None. Not even Kiliminjaro.
Help yourself so that God can help you oh.
3. If you do attend any job interview, ask them to offer you a bed to sleep.
They’ll do it. You know why? It’ll show you as a unique candidate who has everything under control, and that is who they want in their organisation. Look at you, sleeping your way into an employment.
4. Are you planning to sleep with someone? Stay on top.
We don’t mean sleeping – sleeping oh, were are referring to the actual sleeping – sleeping. You know the vibes. *wink*
5. Hailing a ride? You better sit on top.
Any sleep that will catch you, let it catch you there. You need to manifest your topmost ambition before anything. That’s the truth.
6. Any elevator you enter, sleep in it as it takes you to the top floor.
May God guide your journey as you sleep your way to the top. May you not experience nightmares in your sleep.
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
The country is going through so much these days. In the midst of it all, we are overlooking some important characters: the Eagle and the two Horses on Nigeria’s Coat of Arms.
Today on Interview With, we brought them in to ask how they are coping. Their answers will blow your mind.
Zikoko: Hello. Thank you so much for taking the time to join us today.
Eagle: You’re welcome.
Horse 1: It’s nothing.
Horse 2: Thank you for having us.
We understand that you’re very busy, so we will make this snappy.
Horse 2: Busy doing what?
Eagle: [Loud laughter]
Horse 1: You people should behave now. Let it not be that everyone will know what is going on.
Horse 2: LMAO. Any Nigerian that does not know what is going on at this point, well, sorry for that person.
Eagle: Abi oh.
Horse 1: Still, that does not mean—
Um, sorry to interrupt you. I’m lost, please.
Eagle: Look, Mr Interviewer, we are not busy at all.
Horse 2: We stopped being busy a long time ago. So all this talk of making the interview short because we are busy, please just forget it. Ask us anything you want to know.
Horse 1:[Sigh]
Mad oh. Okay, how did you end up being on the coat of arms?
Horse 2: As how?
As in, of all the animals in this country, why did they choose two horses and an eagle?
Horse 1: I guess it’s because of what we represent. Eagle represents strength, and me and my brother here, we represent Nigeria’s dignity.
Horse 2: Which useless dignity?
Eagle: E reach to ask.
Horse 2: Eagle, leave him, let him answer me. I say which dignity? Me and you both know that people are now borrowing us to do photoshoot, so where is the dignity?
If we had the dignity you are mentioning, do you think we would be doing photoshoot as side hustle?
Ah. So you were the one in Tobi Bakre’s photoshoot?
Horse 2: That is one job I hope I never do again. The way Tobi grabbed my neck ehn, I wanted to ask him that, “If it was like this everybody has been grabbing me, would you have met me alive?” But I don’t blame him sha. It’s the country that led me into this mess.
Horse 1: Before you think we are corrupt, please understand that it’s desperation that made us take that job. We have seen what this country does to other animals, and despite being paraded as celebrity animals on the coat of arms, we knew it would reach our turn one day.
Look at Lion, king of the jungle. He entered Nigeria and correct sapa became his true love.
Horse 2: Oho. If a tragedy this great can befall him, how much more me and my fellow horse who do not have any chieftaincy titles whatsoever?
I’m curious: how much did Tobi Bakre offer you for the photoshoot?
Horse 1: 2k.
Horse 2: [Hisses] Urgent 2k that I used to buy Strepsils to cure my sore throat. Anyway sha, I have learnt my lesson. Photoshoot is now from N5k upwards. To grab neck, N10k. No pay, no pose.
But why this line of action?
Eagle: This is why I hate all these interviewers.
Sorry?
Eagle: You saw how some animals are being elevated above others in this country, and you are still coming here to ask us why this line of action. What else do you want us to do?
Horse 2: See ehn.
Eagle: In this very country, a snake entered JAMB office and swallowed 36 million naira, you did not ask why. In this very country, cows are first class citizens and actual Nigerians are second class citizens, yet you did not ask why. Ordinary 2k that we are collecting for photoshoot, you are asking why. Abeg abeg.
I’m sorry.
Horse 2: Omo, your sorry cannot do anything. It’s Lord Lugard you should go and beg. Let him undo this curse of a country. I am tired of holding up a shield with my fellow horse. Let us relax small.
Eagle: The way I am tired of perching! I don’t know why they made me stay on the coat of arms at all. I honestly don’t get it.
Horse 2: You are even trying. Only you, Coat of Arms, only you EFCC logo.
Wait wait. Are you the same Eagle on the EFCC logo?
Eagle: When I say this country keeps sharing people, did you think I was lying? I am a living example. As if my work as Coat of Arms eagle is not enough, they still came and put me inside photoshoot for EFCC logo.
Shebi you see how rough my hair looks in the photo. They didn’t even allow me to brush it.
Horse 1: That’s why you tried to escape to Canada, isn’t it?
Wait what?
Horse 2: MUST YOU SAY EVERYTHING?! It’s in your mouth they will hear that Aisha Buhari is no longer sleeping at home.
Eagle: Who knows, he’s probably the one that went to snitch and made them catch me at the border.
The eagle 🦅 in the Nigerian coat of arms after they caught it at the Canadian border. pic.twitter.com/hEgfORnAsc
Eagle: That one is even your personal problem. That they caught me the first time does not mean I will not try again. Even Buhari did not become president on the first attempt.
But can’t we try to fix things or make a way for Nigeria?
Horse 2: Pele oh, way maker.
Eagle: Miracle worker, promise keeper.
Horse 2: Light in the darkness.
Horse 1: My God!
Eagle: That is who you are.
Horse 1: I didn’t say that to side you people. I said “My God” because I was tired of how you ganged up against the interviewer.
Horse 2: This kind of behaviour will not get you anywhere. You probably need to become a cow first, and then they can elevate you.
Eagle: Tell us, Interviewer, since you seem to know everything. What is Nigeria’s motto?
Unity and Faith, Peace and Progress.
Eagle: Good. Do you know where they are now?
Um...
Horse 2: An Igbo family has adopted them. Go to Nnewi or Anambra and shout Unity, Faith, Peace, Progress and see if those four girls will not come rushing.
Wow.
Horse 1: Don’t let—
Horse 2: There is nothing wow here. If Unity and Faith, Peace and Progress can go back to their family house, who are we not to find a means to survive?
So what’s the plan now?
Horse 1: No, listen—
Horse 2: Na mumu dey talk him plan for interview.
Eagle: Me I will say it. By this time next year, I will be in Canada. I declare it into existence.
But if you all leave, what will become of our great nation, the giant of Africa?
Eagle: Burna Boy is your giant. Let me rest.
Horse 1: We can’t all leave. I am ready to make things better.
Horse 2: Nobody is stopping you. But open your eyes. Aisha Buhari the first lady is in Dubai.
Eagle: Even Buhari went to the UK and is currently collecting breeze.
Horse 2: So what is now my own, me that I’m an ordinary horse? Omo, you better pick your passport and one or two clothes and—
You have a passport??
Eagle: Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold.
Horse 2: Is it now us that will now hold?
[The horses gallop away. The Eagle dusts its wings and flies out through the window]
How it started vs. How it’s going
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
If you are in a relationship and you’d like to know if you are dating an evil spirit, here are clear signs. If your boyfriend or girlfriend does at least five things on this list, you better pack your load and run.
1. They kiss with their eyes open.
Normal people kiss with their eyes closed. If your own partner does it with their eyes wide open, they are probably gauging the best way to donate you at their monthly meeting.
2. They prefer injection to pills.
You too, think about it. This kind of person will feel no pain when it’s time to use you for sacrifice.
3. They swallow their pills without water.
Ah. Run ohhh.
4. They sleep with their legs on the wall.
They will probably call it a good way to get blood flowing, but hmmm. Nigerian Airways, evil spirit edition. Flee that relationship NOW!
5. They chew their medication.
What’s the assurance that they won’t chew your flesh when the time comes?
6. They sleep with their eyes open.
Even when they are asleep, they are still monitoring you. God abeg oh.
7. They eat Semo.
You sef. Is this flag not red enough? Is it until you see 666 on their head???
8. They enjoy avocado.
You still want to remain in that relationship, abi? Okay oh. Maybe they have initiated you without your knowledge sef.
9. They eat before brushing.
Isn’t this premium evil spirit behaviour?! How can you eat before you brush your teeth?
10. They do asfdjhjs when eating hot food.
If hot food does not faze them, don’t think your tears will faze them when it’s time to drag you to the midnight meeting.
11. They chew their swallows.
Someone chews eba and you don’t think they are from the marine kingdom?? Okay nau.
12. They snore.
They are communicating with their fellow evil spirits. BRING OUT THE HOLY WATER!
13. They don’t snore.
This one has upgraded to premium evil spirit plan. Till they will finish you, you will not know.
Confused about what to wear on a date with that lady who finally said yes after months of airing you? She probably does not want trad or jeans. That’s why we came up with these 11 outfits that will guarantee you a second date and yes, marriage.
1. This knee-length ensemble.
Pair it with a neck scarf and the correct accessories and watch your woman become an ocean when you step in.
2. Kilt it better.
You will wear this and no woman will be able to resist you. Scotland swag mixed with Nigerian blood. You sef feel am?
3. A little bit of gauze.
Show her that you are capable of tenderness but also very much capable of flipping her like a KFC burger when the need calls for it.
4. Or maybe bring out your inner Khal Drogo?
Cutlass and black jeans are all you need. Perhaps drape a leather belt across your chest for extra effect. If she doesn’t beg you to marry her right there and then, she no sabi anything.
5. Serve loincloth realness.
Borrow mummy’s ankara and wrap it around yourself. A man who is in touch with tradition. Whew. Even me sef, I don soak.
6. How about ‘skirtrousers’?
Show your range. Let her know you can be both.
7. Short-sleeved suits are still in fashion, don’t forget.
Serve politician realness. Oshiomole wey dey go on date. Who can touch the hem of your garment? Nobody.
8. Hoodies are peng too.
If she does not like ankara native, might as well sew a hoodie and step out.
9. You can even cosplay Buhari.
Shey she likes suffering? Tell her you are up to the task.
10. Or show up in heels and pencil skirt.
There is nothing women love more than a man who is in touch with his feminine side. Take it from us. Step in her shoes and you will automatically step in her heart.
11. And don’t forget, alte fashion exists.
A hot cake. Who fit to stand near you? NOBODYYYYYYY!
People often think being short is a disadvantage and they easily want to mock people they don’t perceive to be tall enough. But I have spent a large part of my life being short, and I can tell you that there are advantages to being short.
Listen:
1. You can easily enter the water tank to wash it properly.
Proper cleaning because you will enter the heart of the matter.
2. You can be the little bride/groom at your friend’s wedding.
That way, they won’t go through the stress of begging their neighbour’s children to come and do it.
3. Two yards of fabric is enough for you to sew designer.
Others may be struggling to pay for 6 yards, but 2 yards and you are set for life.
4. Instead of going to the gym, your fitfam friends can lift you up as the weight.
5. You can live with your parents as long as you want.
Everybody will kuku think you’re a baby.
6. You don’t have fake humility.
You know why? You’re already down to earth.
7. For you, every day is Children’s Day.
People will just be dashing you money anyhow. The country is hard right now oh, but there is nothing impossible for God.
8. A face towel can easily double as your body towel.
Look at you, succeeding with the barest minimum.
9. Unable to reach the shower knob? You can easily shower under the tap.
And you are guaranteed a fuller blast of water sef. Tall people are actually suffering.
10. You can use shortness to escape a relationship.
If someone you don’t like approaches you, just say, “I can’t date you. Can’t you see that I am still a child? Shebi you can see that I’m not tall.”
11. You get to stand in front of any assembly.
The first can never be the last. God has put you in front, who can push you backward? NOBODY!
Should you or should you not tie wrapper in your matrimonial home?
Some people will say you should and some will say you shouldn’t. But I have just come back from Instagram where women are waging serious war against wrappers, and the spirit told me to inform you about the spiritual implications of allowing wrapper into your matrimonial home.
She who has an ear, let her follow Zikoko hear what the spirit is saying at her own peril.
1. Your natural beauty will vanish.
That wrapper will wrap your beauty until there is nothing left again.
2. You will no longer be good in bed.
Go and ask people. It’s just that they will not talk, because they won’t like to expose themselves.
3. Your children will start running away from you.
Because, really, who is this woman without natural beauty?
4. Your husband will look at you and see his great-grandmother that fell into a well in 1954 and died of cough and catarrh.
Naturally, he will burst into song. You know the song? Ancient of days, as old as you are…
5. Of course, your husband will cheat.
That’s how he will be begging the other woman who wears low-waist jeans and spaghetti top, or show-me-your-back and leggings.
6. Even your children will call another woman Mummy.
Where is the woman they know as Mummy? The one who sleeps and wakes up in high heels? The one who wears wig and lipstick to the bathroom? Who is this woman who ties wrapper like a rapper?
7. Sis, your mates will refer to you as Mummy oh.
They will even be afraid to invite you out sef, because what if you tie wrapper and call it fashion?
8. Grey hair will start showing.
Mummy wa, may your days be long oh. Do you even remember the function of a bra?
9. The Nigerian Association Of Witches will definitely recruit you.
And because you are angry at how unfair you husband has been to you, his penis will be the first thing you will sacrifice.
He left you because of wrapper, so you too will wrap his penis in shawarma bread and eat it. Ojoro cancel.
10. And finally, your husband’s family will send you packing.
Tying wrapper is the enemy of your marriage. It is the reason for all the problems in Nigeria today. It is the sole reason why men cheat. So, wear your bra to bed. Sleep in your waist-trainer and girdle. Jog in your high heels. Cook while wearing your bone-straight.
Just boycott wrapper and save your marriage today. We have said our own.
Ladies, the world has advanced past the need for women who are not Alpha Females. Take charge or go home. Aspire to kpekere. That’s the new world order.
Ah, you made the cut. Men think you are one of them. Welcome to the Alpha side of life.
2. Do you have high heels?
Hmm, my dear. The Association of Alpha Women, Ojuelegba chapter, have rejected your application oh. How can you hope to be Alpha in high heels? Where are your Timberland boots? Hide your face abeg.
3. Are you rocking lowcut?
Alpha oh-oh-oh, Alpha! Alpha you don win oh, Alpha! Patapata you go win forever, Alpha.
4. You have more than 3 wigs? No Alpha for you.
How can you be Alpha and you have time for distractions? To wear wig or be Alpha? Choose one abeg.
5. Do you live in a house you paid for?
If yes, please sit down, let us bring you the registration packet for Alpha women. We see you and we bow in your presence.
6. Do you wear eyelashes?
You do? Oya leave here with those eyelashes. You think Alpha Females have time for fancy appendages of beauty? Do you want to be an Alpha Female or you want to compete with the Flutterwave butterfly?
7. Pantsuit or Skirt suit?
If it’s a pantsuit, please go to the right. If it’s a skirt suit, carry your bag and go home. We have chosen the candidates we need for the Alpha Female Reality TV show.
8. Do you work in tech?
Ah, automatic Alpha woman entry. Please note, if you work in tech and you wear lipstick, wig and jewelry, your own Alpha is contaminated abeg. It’s in the Alpha Woman guidebook, section 10, line 4.
9. Do men want to demystify you? Alpha is calling your name.
Men see you as a competitor. They want to unwrap you like hot moi-moi. Rejoice, you made the cut. Enter the Alpha Woman ring, let us bring you a suitable opponent.
10. YOU WEAR DEODORANTS AND PERFUMES??? Please leave here before we open our eyes.
How can you be Alpha and you will be wearing scents? What kind of women do you think are in the Alpha Women group sef?
11. Do you have a LinkedIn profile?
Ahan. Alpha Woman wey sabi wetin she dey do. It is your type we are looking for.
12. Can you finish more than three wraps of eba?
A for what? Alpha! Even your stomach knows your capabilities! Your presence intimidates us. Keep being the Alpha Female you are.
Ahan, welcome oh. So you too want to date someone with flat stomach? LEEMAO. The jokes write themselves. I have 7 simple questions for you. Answer them with all the honesty in your heart.
1. First of all, you yourself, do you have flat stomach?
After all, you cannot lack something and be looking for it in someone else.
2. Where in the 7 commandments did you see “Thou shall make flat stomach your dating criteria”?
Show me and I will personally help you find someone with flat stomach.
3. Let me ask, that flat stomach you are looking for in your partner, what do you want to use it for?
Show off, or what?
4. Okay, let’s even assume that you meet someone with flat stomach. Has that ended all the problems you are battling with?
Answer nau
5. Or did your babalawo command you to bring a babe with flat stomach?
Talk, we are hearing you.
6. Ahan, you don vex? Oya sorry, let me tell you how to meet a babe with flat stomach.
Sorry, I will talk.
7. Date a snake. Na them get flat stomach pass.
Love and light in your latest relationship. May your path stay flat, boss.
Nigerian babes believe in diversifying their hearts to allow for multiple streams of affection. How do you know if your girlfriend is doing that? If she does any of these suspiciously romantic things, you have your proof that she is cheating.
1. When she does something wrong and actually apologises.
She used all her energy to argue with her side piece. She is cheating.
2. When she decides to treat you to a fancy date.
She’s feeling guilty about something. Don’t fall for that.
3. When she tells you about a new restaurant to try out.
How did she discover the place if not through her side piece? She is definitely cheating.
4. When she buys you random, thoughtful gifts.
She’s trying to blind you with affection. Guy, wake up.
5. When she comes back from an outing and starts loving up on you.
It’s leftover horniness from cheating on you.
6. When she offers to cook for you.
What woman offers to cook for a man if not that she is feeling guilty for cheating?
7. When you complain about being broke and she credits your account.
She is overcompensating for something. That babe is cheating.
8. When you meet her best friends and they are all girls.
She’s hiding the man. That babe is cheating on you.
9. When her friends act nice to you.
They are definitely covering up for her. She is cheating.
10. When she posts you on social media.
She is using that one to get your guard down. Dig deep, you’ll see that she is cheating.
11. When she calls you affectionate pet names.
She doesn’t want to accidentally call you the wrong name. That woman is definitely cheating.
12. When she tries something new in bed with you.
Her side nigga taught her that. She is cheating.
13. When she tells you her phone passcode.
She has cleared all evidence of her cheating so you won’t find out.
14. When she says yes to your marriage proposal.
She knows that being married is a good cover for bad behaviour. She wants to cheat forever.
Sometimes, we make decisions because we think we are grown and happening adults, meanwhile, we (yes, we) are still foolish and unserious.
Here are a few simple signs that you are still an unserious adult.
1. When you tell them you love them two weeks after knowing them
First and foremost, who even does that? You have to wait for at least 2-5yrs before they know you have feelings for them. Sorry, but you don fuck up and now they’ve seen you finish, unserious adult.
2. When you don’t tell them you love them two weeks after knowing them
Is it until you see their wedding photos before you’ll let them know you love them?. We advise you to fall in love with them immediately before they leave you and go and find love somewhere else.
3.When you eat the last piece of meat in the pot
In this case, you are not only being unserious but infact you are also greedy too and you don’t know how to save for rainy days. If you eat the last meat in the pot what will you eat tomorrow, see yourself?
4.When you don’t eat the last piece of meat in the pot
LMFAO, you didn’t eat the last piece of meat now someone has eaten it. Next time you to be wise and fast. The patient dog no longer eats the fattest bone.
5.When you study for the job interview.
Are you trying to say you don’t trust your God-given brain?. Believe in your sauce please, drop those books you are reading. By now, adulting should have taught you enough.
6.When you don’t study for the job interview.
Lmfao, you actually trusted your god given brain, now look at your life outside. Sorry dear, unemployment looks good on you.
Who even tells their parents they are going out, we all know how stiff Nigerian parents are and we know they’ll give you grief for even thinking of going out. Bad bitches don’t let their parents know their next move, except you aren’t a bad bitch, you are an unserious adult.
8.When you don’t tell your parents you are going out and you get kidnapped.
You didn’t tell your parents you were going now, now gbomo gbomo has carried you and your parents don’t know where you are. You think you are big now, and can go out without telling your parents, sorry about that.
Ever since Prince Harry married Meghan Markle, wahala has jammed kasala because HoW DaRe A bRiTiSh RoYaL mArRy A lIgHt-SkInNeD bLaCk GiRl?
Of course, Nigerians have had a lot to say about the whole palaver. But we seem to be forgetting that we Nigerians have some family members who behave like the British Royal Family but have zero royalty attached to them.
And here’s how:
1. They lie against your partner.
They just love to lie, if your partner raises their left hand they will say they raised their right hand. If it rains during the dry season they will accuse your partner of causing it, that its witchcraft from their father’s village.
2.They go around sharing your gist and your partner’s gist like party packs.
Both the one you did oh and the one you did not do, they will share. The day you make a single mistake, all the Whatsapp groups will hear about it. First to do no dey pain, it is when you do your own back they start to cry and feel attacked.
3. They fight against inter-tribal marriage.
In the year of our lord 2021, they are still fighting you because you married from so and so tribe.
4.They blame anything that goes on in your life on your partner.
It’s really laughable, any small thing that happens to you, they will say it’s your partner that caused it. ‘’If you married so and so, you won’t have all these problems’’. If they tell you such, smile. Now say to them, “You that married the person your parents approved of, why is your life still the way it is?”
Gbas gbos.
5.They view your partner as an outsider and not your immediate family
Maybe these ones don’t know common Social Studies abi Home Economics. They still think you are their immediate family after marriage, anyway, it’s not your fault that they don’t know book.
6. They accuse your partner of trapping you and using jazz
The absence of love in their lives make the idea of love seem superficial and unattainable, coupled with the fact that they are entitled and sometimes dumb. If you shower your partner with love and affection they will say it is jazz. Instead of them to use that jazz to find love, they will be there, beefing you.
7.They ask for a male child first.
They aren’t the ones carrying the pregnancy, but they want you to give birth to a male first child. It’s not like they have any tangible thing to give your children, money they don’t have, a crown they don’t have. But they’ll be opening their mouth woahh.
8. They expect your partner to behave according to their dictates.
They don’t even have their house in order but they want to tell your partner to jump when they say jump, and dance when they say dance. If you tell them to jump now, they will be shouting because they are not fit.
9.They want you to live with them.
They want you to live with them so they can do their amebo very well. If you are far away from them, they will be getting third-hand gist and they don’t want that. The closer you are to them, the easier it is for them to be wicked.
All your friends are in love, and you are part of the ‘‘God when’’ association wondering when you will get your own boo. We are sorry to break it to you that you may never find love due to the reasons stated below.
Anyone who mistakenly sends you a message with ‘’am’’ doesn’t get a response from you, even if the follow-up message is sweet. Since you are so good at the English language, why not become an English teacher and stop stressing God. You may find your boo in the school where you’ll work as an English teacher.
2. You are always fighting on social media.
We know you are passionate about what you believe in, but the way you go about it is a little scary, or what do you think? Any small thing you’ve become Hulk Hogan on the TL. Please be calming down abeg, your toasters are afraid that you’ll beat them up if they move to you.
3. Your eating habits are very bad.
You are either a bricklayer or a thief ah. You eat fufu in the middle of the night, it’s fine tho, you may need that energy to fight your village people that appear to you in your dreams. The ones hindering you from finding love.
4. You say ‘‘am’’ instead of ‘‘I’m’’
Please for God’s sake, we have tried to correct you. Help us to help you, what is ‘’am fine’’?. When they air your messages now you will say it is elitism when na you wey no sabi English.
5. You are a couch potato
That couch you like to sleep on from morning to night is where you are going to find your boo. We love that they are going to come to your house to find you. Since all you do is press your phone, we believe you aren’t yet ready to download your partner from that phone. You aren’t like the others on the list, keep taking your sweet time.
6.You are still stuck on your ex.
You are so funny, you keep shouting ‘’God when’’ when all you do is fantasize about your ex from morning till night. Instead of filling your thoughts and imaginations with images of your dream boo, you are wasting it thinking of one yeye ex. Better jazz up.
7. You have not tried to buy love on jiji.ng
Is there really anything you can’t buy on Jiji?. You are probably still waiting for conventional ways of finding love when you can easily do it at the click of a button. All we know is that you aren’t ready. When you are ready, you’ll go and buy it on Jiji.
If you stop doing all these things and you still don’t find love, then we don’t know for you again. maybe you should go to babalawo’s place.
Where are those people who said their childhood dream was to become a lawyer? What of those people who want to prove themselves as The Law to their haters? Come oh, food don done.
If you have sat down with lawyers, you’ll be able to attest to how frustrating the process of becoming a lawyer is. So, how can you achieve this dream? Not to worry, these 7 short-cuts will help you.
1. Watch ‘‘Suits.’’
Watch Suits, season 1-9. When you finish watching the American version of Suits, we advise you also watch the Korean version, that way you will know a lot more laws than your local Nigerian mates.
2.Watch ‘‘How To Get Away With Murder.’’
Finish your movie education with Annalise Keating. By the time you finish the six seasons, nobody will be able to go head to head with you. Is it not you, Kamoru Keating? Who them be?
3. Wear only coats.
It may be 37 degrees Celsius outside, but that doesn’t matter. Wear your full suit from morning till night, you need to be dedicated to your dream of being a lawyer. If you take your suit off before going to bed, it means you are not serious about your dream. Dress up for the future you desire to possess.
Not to toot his horn, but there is nothing a law professor wants to teach you that you cannot learn from Lasisi’s skits. Lawyer Atomic Bomb will teach you and won’t blow? Forget it. You better dedicate one hour a day to watching his videos.
5. Introduce yourself as Barrister when you go out.
Before anyone asks your name, be sure you first introduce yourself to them as Barrister Ajanlekoko, let them know who you are and that you mean serious business. If you don’t call yourself a lawyer, how then will you become one? Use your mouth to confess your desires.
6. Settle fights between your neighbours.
Let your neighbours know they can come to you to settle fights, from someone’s husband sleeping with another neighbours wife, to whose turn it is to pay for the light. If you don’t win small fights, how can you take on larger ones? Rome wasn’t built in a day, shebi you know.
7. Re-read this article every two weeks.
Those law articles you read on the internet can’t help you as much as we can. Re-read this article every two weeks to remember any points you may have missed or forgotten. We are always happy to help. You’re welcome.
/product/34/385902/1.jpg?0613)
.jpg)
