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  • The Actual Places You Should Hide Your Sallah Meat

    The Actual Places You Should Hide Your Sallah Meat

    It’ll be raining sallah meat in a couple of days. It’s not the question of whether you’ll steal but where will you stash your spoil after your successful Sallah meat heist? That’s where we come in.

    On the roof

    The Actual Places You Should Hide Your Sallah Meat

    Might sound ridiculous, but we’ve seen a couple of people do it and get away with it. The plot twist here is you have to steal the meat when it’s raw. Douse it in salt to preserve it and stash it on the roof. Just make sure you retrieve it before it starts raining.

    Your freezer

    The Actual Places You Should Hide Your Sallah Meat

    Might seem like an obvious spot, but what’s that thing they say about hiding in plain sight? For this to work, you have to get creative with the packaging. So wrap the meat in moi-moi leaves.

    Your neighbour’s freezer

    Put it in a bowl, cover it up and tell your neighbour Mummy asked you to keep it in their freezer. Since you’ve involved Mummy, no one will suspect a thing or try to play a fast one with your meat.

    Inside your shoes

    Source: The Home Depot

    Who’s interested in your shoe rack on Sallah day? Nobody. Just make sure you wrap each piece with foil and in a nylon to lock the aroma in. Once this is done, slide each piece into a shoe on your rack, and no one will suspect a thing.

    Storage bowl for foodstuff

    The Actual Places You Should Hide Your Sallah Meat

    Source: Jumia Nigeria

    Skip the garri storage bowl because some people might want to enjoy garri and fried meat. But the yam flour or beans containers? No one is coming for them, and your sallah meat will be completely safe.

    Inside your wardrobe

    Especially your underwear section. Nobody wants to go through anyone’s underwear — clean or otherwise.

    Got a story to share? Send a pitch here.

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

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  • “I Steal Sallah Meat With the Fear of God” — Muslims Share Their Sallah Villain Stories

    “I Steal Sallah Meat With the Fear of God” — Muslims Share Their Sallah Villain Stories

    Sallah meat is the most prized procession during the Eid-al-Adha celebration and you’ll be shocked at the lengths people go to juicy, deep-fried pieces of golden brown protein.

    So the next time your Muslim friend says there’s no meat or gives you just one piece, you need to appreciate them because they most likely committed ‘armed robbery’ on your behalf.

    “I Steal Sallah Meat With the Fear of God” — Muslims Share Their Sallah Villain Stories

    Gafar*, 29

    We used to visit Abeokuta during sallah when my grandpa was alive. In 2014, we’d visited as usual and the house was full of relatives. My grandpa was always strict with the key to his room; that’s where he had his stash of drinks, provisions and all the goodies to last our stay. Of course, the room also houses the fried sallah meat. Because I was among the youngest, he trusted me with the key and didn’t pay as much attention when he wanted me to grab anything for him. With others, he’d either keep a fixed gaze on the room or just find a way to take whatever he needs himself.

    With every trip to his room, I picked a piece of meat or two. I kept the meat inside my travelling bag and by the third day, I was satisfied with my stash. The joke was on me sha because I’d hidden it so deep in my bag that there wasn’t space for the meat to ‘breathe’. Even when the general sharing of sallah meat commenced, I didn’t put up a fuss because I knew my stash was more than whatever I’d get. Omo, when we got to Lagos, the meat was covered in mold and maggot. I didn’t throw them away sha.

    Hadiza*, 25

    My mum used to keep the meat on top of the fridge and I’d use an old newspaper and take as many as possible from the bowl. Every time I passed the by, I’d take some more. I’d wrap the meat inside newspapers first, nylon and then hide it in my wardrobe; usually under my clothes. When my mum is ready to share meat for everybody, I’ll still go and collect more. The pressure on Muslims to share meat is a lot. Too many people to give, not enough meat.

    Jelil*, 30

    I’m the first grandchild of my maternal grandparents. We were never given ram meat; we only got from the cow. And any Muslim knows that ram meat is sweeter than cow meat. So, during one of the Eid celebrations, we took a trip to my mum’s town in Ikenne, Ijebu. I and my cousins were determined to get ram meat and our target was 10 pieces. While they were frying and everyone was preparing for the evening party, my granny packed the bulk of the meat into her room.

    We begged the youngest to follow us so she could give us intel on where granny kept the meat. She returned and told us the meat was inside “eshasun” (a pot), but our granny had the keys to the room in a pouch that she didn’t let go of. Again, we got the youngest cousin to tell grandma that she wanted to sleep; and that was how we gained entry into the room. We took our agreed 10 pieces and even more to drink garri. I’ve been caught before but not on this particular mission.

    Kehinde*, 28

    I try not to steal meat during sallah but as I got older, I started having more friends who would ask for meat. So I started to take from the big bowls of meat that they’d leave in my mum’s room for safekeeping. I was always so scared of getting caught that I’d only take a little and leave her room. It wasn’t safe to keep in the freezer so I’d wrap them inside an old newspaper and put them in my wardrobe, hoping rats would not finish my clothes. Unlike my sister who takes as much as she wants, I used to steal meat with the fear of God. My mum now locks her room when there’s sallah meat there.

    Abbey*, 32

    I’ve loved sallah meat since I was a child. I always follow the entire process from my elderly ones shopping for rams from abokis to engaging them in ram fights. I also watched the slaughtering and the process of cooking and frying.

    However, as much as I wanted big pieces because of my efforts, I always ended up with tiny chunks of meat. As I got older, I took matters into my hands because it was just unfair to go through all that wahala only to end up with small pieces. Now, I join the women cooking, pretend as if I’m assisting and use the opportunity to steal when they’re not watching.

    Now that I kill sallah ram myself, I still fight with my wife over it because I never let her and the people assisting her rest.

    Please take the survey here.

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

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  • QUIZ: How Many Pieces Of Sallah Meat Will You Get?

    QUIZ: How Many Pieces Of Sallah Meat Will You Get?

    Sallah is mostly about dressing peng and killing innocent rams for enjoyment.

    Are you getting any share of this Ileya meat? Take this quiz and we’ll tell you:

    Miriam Onyemenam

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  • Interview With Sallah Ram: “I Am Someone’s Child Too”

    Interview With Sallah Ram: “I Am Someone’s Child Too”

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    During Sallah period, people are more concerned about the meat they will eat than the life of the actual animal. Today on Interview With, we decided to give a voice to the Sallah Ram community so we can understand things from their own perspective.

    What’s it like being a Sallah ram? What goes through their minds as the big day approaches? This interview is an eye-opener.

    Zikoko: Hello, it’s good to have you here.

    Sallah Ram: Mehhh.

    Ehn?

    Thank you, thank you. As you have listened to me, may people listen to you too.

    Er… Is that a prayer?

    It’s a blessing. At this point, you should not disregard my words. If the words of a dying man are valuable, can you imagine how powerful the words of a dying Sallah ram will be?

    Oh wow. You sound so cool about it.

    What else do you want me to do? Should I get up and fight my owners? If my destiny is to end up inside a pot of stew or to become asun, let me just collect it and go. There is no point trying to change it.

    Besides, recent events have shown that cows are more likely to end up in higher positions of power while rams remain forgotten, only to be brought out during Sallah.

    Who put cows in positions of power?

    If you are still asking me that question at this stage of your life, then something is wrong with you.

    No, I was just—

    Oh, so you want to say you did not hear that the government is planning to create a database for cows? 

    Wait a minute, I’ll be sharing NIN with cow?

    Oho. The database will include information about who owns them, where they come from, what type of cows they are, etc.

    Imagine hearing that kind of news when you are putting your life in order because the only news you are preparing for is what date Sallah falls on. That kind of thing will break your heart, I tell you. It’s like a confirmation that you are not rated at all. I mean, I know you only want me for Sallah and you want cows every other day. But can you not make it so obvious? I am trying to write my will before Sallah so I can know who will inherit my bed.

    Ehya.

    The whole thing is annoying. No animal is greater than the other, that’s what I believe. But recent events have shown me and my homegirls that cows are definitely greater than all of we rams.

    Why were we not invited to Anambra this weekend, for instance? And yet cows got invitations.

    What’s going on in Anambra this weekend?

    Ah, it’s a whole party oh. Let me gist you. Obi Cubana’s mother died and—

    Wait, wait, who is Obi Cubana?

    Just focus on the gist. 

    Okay, okay.

    Ehen, so Obi Cubana’s mother died and they are doing the burial in Anambra. When we heard, we started preparing na, as per they will come and pick us to grace the occasion. Some of us were even happy that we would at least see Anambra before we die. The bus came oh, and we already lined up to enter. They just ignored us and started putting cows inside. Up to 246 cows, and no single ram. 

    Not even one! We had to hide our heads in shame. If that is not partial treatment, then I don’t know what to call it. Anyway, we are back to focusing on Sallah. 

    Wow. That’s a lot.

    I tell you.

    Can I ask you something personal?

    Yes na.

    What goes through your mind when you are about to be killed?

    MY BROTHER, IT IS PLENTY! 

    See, this is something I did not mention earlier. Life as a ram means that all I do with my life is based around Sallah. If I decide to fall in love, I do it bearing in mind that when Sallah comes, that romance will end in tears. This is why it’s better to not have emotional attachments. Just bump genitals and keep it moving.

    Life advice from a Sallah Ram?

    Take it or leave it.

    Some readers would appreciate it. 

    If I decide to bear children too, I know I’ll have to say goodbye to them by Sallah. Friendships, acquaintances, they all end when Sallah comes. All our lives, we spend it preparing for Sallah.

    And are you always prepared when Sallah actually comes? 

    Is anyone ever prepared for death? When they are about to put that knife to my neck, I think, “So this is the point of life? I’m just here to provide nutrition to other people? For real? Like, the whole point of my life is to be fried and added to Jollof rice? Wow, Auzu billahi. What a way to tell me you don’t rate me.”

    Have you tried negotiating a better ending for yourself?

    As what, please? Somebody’s groomsman?

    No, no. I was asking if you have spoken to animal rights activists or something.

    [Sallah Ram bursts out laughing]

    In this Nigeria? Animal rights activists sef dey find nutrition. I’ll go there to state my case, next thing I know, they are petting me. In one minute, I have fallen asleep. The next time I open my eyes, I am in heaven. What is now my gain? Why not kuku wait till Sallah?

    In fact, I doubt if animal rights activists exist in Nigeria. Have you people finished fighting for your human rights that you now want to carry animal rights on your head? Imagine you waking up one day and saying you want to start fighting for the rights of a ram. They will look at you and ask, “Right to do what, please?” 

    Okay, okay, but what would you like to say to people?

    I don’t have much to say. I just want to tell them that they should treat me decently. I am somebody’s child too. That I am providing you nutrition does not mean you will do me anyhow.

    Do you anyhow as how?

    See ehn, some people will buy me and tie me down before Sallah. Give me proper food, they won’t. Only grass. And I’m just there thinking, “Habeeb, if it was only grass they have been feeding me all this while, would you find any meat on my body? Would you be attracted to me enough to buy me and keep? Have you even seen the state of my body?”

    As if that one is not enough, some people will carry me to go and fight someone else’s ram. I just look at them and think, “Tell me, Kazeem, what exactly is your problem in this life? If you want to fight, why not carry your siblings and ask them to start attacking each other? And if you don’t have siblings, please remove your jellabiya and enter Ojuelegba. Somebody will definitely give you that fight you are so desperate for.”

    I—

    Sorry for the long rant. I just figured I had to say it. If I’m going to be slaughtered in a few days time, I might as well get some things off my chest.

    Anyway, I have to go now. I need to finish writing my will so I don’t leave my children desolate when I leave this world.

    Ehya. May your soul rest in peace.

    And you too.

    No thanks.

    Ahan, you don’t want to rest in peace?

    Not now, please.

    Okay, whenever you choose, may your soul rest in peace.

    I rebuke you.

    Okay, fine. May you not rest in peace.

    You know what?

    What?

    You actually deserve to be slaughtered for Sallah.

    [Zikoko and Sallah Ram attack each other] 

    Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

    Also read:

    Interview With Food: “Are Nigerian Men Possessed By The Spirit Of Hunger?”

    [donation]

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • Types Of Muslims You’ll Find When Sallah Comes

    It’s ram season again!

    I’m not saying that it’s the highlight of this season o, but you know… Ram is delicious, man.

    The festive period is when everybody’s true colours come out, and Eid al-Adha issa real eye-opener.

    You Muslims are casted and you don’t even know. Let me tell you how you guys behave when Sallah comes around.

    Those of you that only go to mosque on Sallah but will still be prouding.

    Last last God is watching us all in 3D.

    Then there are those of you that have been only been waiting for this day just so you can show up and show out!

    Pepper dem!

    For some of you, this season means nothing but frustration.

    “What do you mean ram is now 90k? Was it not just two days ago that I came here and you were selling for 65k?!”

    Then there are those that this is their only interest.

    Because it means you can run home from the mosque and kill your own ram. Food is life tbh.

    Some of you catch the festive bug and are fully prepared to turn up!

    Y’all are the real MVPs tbh.

    And of course, there are those of you that will ghost on guys because of meat.

    “Just call me when you dey my street” but two days later, your number is still switched off.

    At least there are the people that will still share meat even if they don’t throw a party.

    We appreciate you joor, because where else we for see meat? Your groundnut oil won’t finish.

    Or is it the ones that think flight tickets are only available during Sallah?

    Every Eid you’re “out of town”? Wawu.

    Finally, we have those sure Muslim friends that even if they don’t have meat to give you, will still point you in the right direction.

    “You smart. You loyal. I appreciate that.”

    If you guys don’t want me to finish casting all your secrets, you’d better send some ram meat my way.

    A word is enough o!

    Eid Mubarak, brothers and sisters! Love and blessings!

    Sade

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  • 12 Sallah Ram Struggles You’ll Get If You’re Muslim

    12 Sallah Ram Struggles You’ll Get If You’re Muslim

    1. When you remember this Sallah is the one you get to eat meat anyhow.

    I can’t keep calm!!!

    2. When it’s 2 days to Sallah and they still haven’t bought the ram.

    What’s going on in this house?

    3. How they finally deliver the ram to your house.

    Caution: Handle with care!

    4. How you feed the ram so that it can hurry up and grow fat.

    Eat it all up sir!

    5. When you’re at the Praying Ground but all you can think of is the ram.

    I can’t be looking for ram upandan o!

    6. How the ram starts looking suspicious when it sees people carrying knives up and down.

    ‘What are these people doing?’

    7. When the ram vexes and decides to prove stubborn.

    Oga will you calm down and let’s get this over with?

    8. How the whole house comes out to kill the ram.

    The more, the merrier!

    9. When your mom is being extra slow about preparing the meat.

    I am not understanding.

    10. When people suddenly start calling you out of the blue, just ‘to greet you’.

    So you have my number?

    11. How you hide when it’s time to cook the plenty meat.

    Please I’m not here for stress o!

    12. How you attack the meat when it’s finally ready.

    Finally!

    Shola

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  • 15 Pictures That Are Too Real For Nigerian Muslims During Sallah

    15 Pictures That Are Too Real For Nigerian Muslims During Sallah

    Odunayo

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