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Nothing beats the feeling of getting a phone notification during a bad work day and it turns out to be a message from the LOYL. If you’re a lady who wants to profess love, inspire or invite that man over for genital slamming, we’ve got you covered with a list of unique messages for your boyfriend that’ll get him thanking God for the day your paths crossed.
“Love me jeje, love me tender. You’re my sugar, my honey, my tender lover.”
Thanks to Tems, this line from Seyi Sodimu’s 1999 record has made a comeback to the dating scene. Use it for your man, it works wonders.
“My heart goes out to jigi jigi bam bam.”
Send this to a millennial or gen X lover, and watch him melt like a cheap deliverance candle.
“I slept knowing I’ll see you in my dreams, but I woke realising you’re not just a dream to me but my perfect reality.”
The only way to say good morning to your talking stage who’s showing heavy signs that he’s your last bus stop.
“I know you’re at work right now, but I just wanted to say how much I love you.“
Let that man know you appreciate all he’s doing. This message will also push him to go harder.
“My baby. The one who makes Nigerian air breathable. Your softness is why I don’t even consider the hardship in the country…”
No better way to let that man know Nigeria has nothing on your love for him.
“You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever known, and I can’t believe I’m the one who got you.”
When you want him to know just how much you appreciate doing life with him.
“Your middle name should be Google because you’re always right, and you have everything I’ve been searching for in a man.”
Send this to a man, and you’ll scatter his medulla oblongata.
“I love you more than roasted corn. And I really love corn.”
That man knows he has to act right if you’re placing him above good ol’ roasted corn.
“You’re the one I want o / Before my liver start to fail.”
In case you want to profess your love to him with the help of Afrobeats.
“I love you.”
Coming from you to your man, he’ll have butterflies fluttering in his tummy.
“Missing you. Big head.“
A simple way to let him know he needs to bring his ass to wherever you are.
“Me without you is like a phone without internet connection. Come back soon.”
Another way of telling that man to jump on the next danfo and come to you.
“May Nigeria never happen to you.”
It’s up there in some of the most important prayers for anyone living in Nigeria. That man will know you rate him AF.
“You didn’t come this far to give up now. You’ll get through this.“
For when your man needs a little cheering up from life’s shege.
“Hey baby, I’m sorry you’re feeling down today. Don’t forget I’m here for you. Sending you all my love and support.”
A simple way to help him get through a rough patch.
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“Check your account, baby. I sent something small.”
The Nigerian economy is showing everyone shege right now, so you better believe that man can use a lil support here and there, even if you’ll get it back in ten folds.
“I know you can’t stand me right now, but how do you look so good even when you’re angry?”
For when you’ve pissed him TF up and want to stylishly apologise.
“Hey Zaddy”
It’s a short message but heavy with meaning. That man will know you want to be babied in a way that’ll make your toes curl.
“Hey baby, wanna come home and lick my plate?”
It’s unhinged, but it’ll crack him up and send him running to you in no time.
“I burn for you”
This Bridgerton line is still hot as hell in almighty 2024. Let that man know how far you’re willing to go for him and his phallus.
Are you trying to stir up tension between you and your significant other? Do you want him to put you in seven different positions at the whisper of his name? Regardless of your answer, you’re in luck because we made a list of ridiculously flirty nicknames to call your boyfriend from today henceforth — emphasis on “ridiculous”.
Image by Freepik
Olowo ori mi, ale nobody
If you call a Yoruba man this, you’ll get the keys to his heart.
Sweety pie
Before you roll your eyes, is he a pie or not?
G-spot hitter
This should be the flirty nickname for your boyfriend if he knows how to eat your work diligently.
Joystick
If you always think about his phallus before him.
Adaripon mi
To be used for a bald Yoruba man while gently stroking his head.
Uso’m
If you want that Igbo man to know he’s your “sweetness”.
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Freaky Freaky
This is for a man who knows how to get your freaky on.
My ovaries
If your insides jiggle outta excitement anytime you see him.
Dickson
If his “gbola” is your favourite thing in the relationship.
Partner-in-crime
Because you know what you both get up to at night and in private places.
Rainmaker
For a man who knows how to turn your showers of blessings on.
Jannatin Duniya
For that Hausa man who takes you to paradise.
Dodo Mayana
If you’re dating an Egbon Adugbo who goes hard on the “G” in genital slamming.
Sweet scum
He’s scum, but he’s YOUR scum and that makes him the sweetest thing after honey.
Lover boy
If he’s head over heels in love.
My big bear
If you always feel all cute and cuddly in his big embrace.
Naughty boy
If he’s a spoilt person.
Bad boy
This is for a man who knows how to press all your right buttons, especially the most important one.
Dopamine supplier
Use this flirty nickname for your boyfriend if he gets you high on love.
So, you’ve done some introspection ahead of February 14 and in your heart of hearts, you can’t shake the feeling that tears of ecstasy should be one of the main characters in your Valentine’s Day special for the LOYL. If you ask us, we’ll say it’s doable.
We know just the right things you need to do.
Start by telling him he’ll cry
No, you’ve not taken away the element of surprise. This is the only way to set yourself up for success. Remember, men already see tears as a form of weakness, so the last place they want to do it is mid-coitus. But once you tell him your intentions, there’s a chance he’ll let down his guard. Now, get to work.
Oil up…But with Aboniki
If you’re serious about making a man cry in bed, you have to be willing to take one for the team. In this case, that means enduring the biting hotness of Aboniki balm spread in the crevices of your body parts. There’s no better way to set the mood. By the time you lean into him on the bed, his eyes will be wet from mentholated desire.
Attack his ears
The ear is an erogenous zone. So, you’re going for a mix of touch and truth here. Gently tug at his ear with your mouth, and bite it softly. He’ll be tickled at first, but you’ll get him to relax when you moan and breathe heavily into his ear. When he starts to reach for you and begins to mutter in pre-cum lingo, tell him the day’s dollar to naira rate. He’ll cry, but they’ll be tears of joy because he’d orgasm at that point too.
We interrupt this programme to ask: where are our Zikoko Ships now?
Find out how three of our Ships are doing five years later:
Spoiler alert: it’s lovey-dovey
And the soles of his feet
If the tears don’t come after working on his ear, go for the soles of his feet and put your tongue to work. This one might get a little loud, so you probably want to stuff his mouth with something and throw in a handcuff to restrain his hands. Next up, go crazy on his feet with your tongue. It’s like tickling, it always ends up in tears.
Bite his nipples
Start by twirling your tongue around the edges of his nipple. When you notice the skin taking on a semi-hard form, bite down softly and watch him let out that moan. But to get those tears, bite down as hard as you will a piece of shaki, and follow it up with more tongue twirling. He’ll go into a brief moment of shocked mute, then the tears will follow.
Use teeth
Look, forget people who say you don’t need teeth. If you want to stain your bed sheet with that man’s hot tears, we say teeth is where it’s at. Bite down softly on his odogwu, and just before he lets out a scream of pain, follow it up with the slurpiest glock glock 3000 you can manage. He’ll crumble in a puddle of orgasm-induced tears.
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Get on top
No better way to achieve peak vulnerability than staring deep into each other’s souls mid-mekwe, and realising that there’s no other person you’d have digging your well and cultivating your farmland. This is the only position where this will work. But be warned, you may also shed a tear or two with this one.
Post-nut adulations
In the rare chance that all of the above doesn’t work, read that man a Shakespearean poem or something heartfelt while he’s collecting his consciousness from the throes of pleasure. Hail his odogwu for a job well done, pet it even. And watch his eyes swell with tears of appreciation.
Your partner’s nice and charming “bestie” probably doesn’t wish you well. In fact, chances are they want you to mess up. If you notice any of these things, just know they’re an opp.
They actually call your partner “bestie”
That’s the first red flag. Open your eyes so they don’t take you fi idiat.
They’re nice to you
That’s because they’re already plotting how you won’t be there for long. Just watch your back.
Or they’re not nice to you
Maybe it’s biting their body that you’re taking up their rightful space, and they’ve had enough. Or they were nice to you before, and you’re now overstaying your welcome. Either way, don’t lose guard.
They’re always offering your partner food
They’re basically using every tactic in the book at this point. You need to watch out.
They’re always giving unnecessary advice about what your partner likes
If you can’t see they’re secretly plotting your downfall, then we can’t save you. Once they start telling you, “Buy this for him, it’ll make him smile”, sound the alarm.
They’re always shipping the two of you
They’re overcompensating for the bad belle they have for your relationship when you’re not there. If they start smiling and shipping you and your partner, frown and ask them what’s funny. Don’t let them fool you.
They stay up to wish your partner “Happy birthday” before you
If you call your partner by 12:00 a.m., and they’re already on another call, hold their bestie responsible. They’re obviously at war with you.
They have inside jokes
Once they start giggling with each other about stuff that happened way before you met your partner, you’re the third wheel.
Every two market days, you read or watch videos of people complaining about the terrible dating scene. Everyone is disappointed they’re not being treated right. Yes, it’s annoying to put yourself out there repeatedly without getting the love you’re looking for. If everyone’s complaining, then who’re the people giving the streets a bad rep? Maybe we should start taking responsibility for the part we play in polluting the streets?
Game, set, match
A relationship is not a game. There’s no winner or set prize for whoever comes out of it unscathed. So, why do you treat it as one? Why do you calculate how many hours before you text or what to post on your story? Why are you so obsessed with playing people before you get played?
This game you’ve decided to play involves real people with real feelings and emotions. You’re choosing not to do too much, so the other party doesn’t think you‘re down bad, but why are you so afraid of someone knowing you care? If you think they will manipulate whatever emotions you feel for them, isn’t that a sign that you shouldn’t even be dealing with them in the first place? Just stay on your own and navigate life. Why stress another person’s child?
Do you know the past affects the present?
You’re trying to justify playing the “game” by stating how hurt you’ve been in the past. People have broken your heart, taken advantage of your kindness, made you feel less than you are, and that’s terrible. But until you’ve fully processed what happened to you and healed from it, it will affect every single relationship you try to enter. You will project actions and thoughts onto someone who has not even had the chance to declare their true intentions. It’s giving self-sabotage.
The carry-on luggage
This is someone you don’t like or even see a relationship with them happening, but you like the attention they give you. You like that you’re important to someone, but they’re not that important to you; so, you carry them along because it makes you feel special. Drop it.
You’re doing just enough to keep the person interested but not precisely what they need. It’s a cruel thing to do because nobody wants to be a second option. You don’t like when it’s done to you, so why are you doing it to someone else? Then when you eventually get tired of them — or they realise their self-worth — you’ve left someone broken, and that person will, in turn, break someone else.
You don’t talk about your feelings or how you wish to be cared for because you’re scared. You’re too hot-headed to listen to what your partner is saying because you’ve jumped to conclusions already. And you refuse to extend grace to the people you’re trying to get into a relationship with, just because they made one mistake.
Nobody’s perfect, especially not you. So why are you expecting perfection from someone trying their best with you? Sure some things shouldn’t be forgiven — any form of abuse is unacceptable, for example. But if your partner has not spoken to you all day, there could be a million reasons why. Try to find out, and if you don’t think the answer is good enough, then you can address it and work from there. Don’t just jump into assumptions.
You’re not the only prize
A lot of people enter into relationships thinking they’re the prize. Yes, you are, and you should never think you’re not. However, in relationships, there’s more than one prize. In as much as you want to be wined and dined, you have to put in the work as well. When did you last buy a gift for the person you’re doing talking stage with? When last did you send them a cute note on how much they mean to you? Are you putting as much effort as you demand?.
You’re too scared to jump
Falling in love is like jumping from a high place and hoping the person you’ve fallen in love with catches you. The place isn’t high enough to kill you, but may leave you bruised or broken. But you don’t want to jump. You’re too scared of being hurt, but you forget it’s a 50:50 chance. What if you get caught?
At the end of the day, you need to stop putting yourself in situations where you aren’t ready to commit. If there’s too much doubt in your heart, stay away from people for a while and work out why you can’t seem to trust anyone.
Maybe if we all took time to work on ourselves, we’d treat each other with a little more kindness, and the streets wouldn’t be as bad as it currently is.
The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In ourLove Currency series, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different Nigerian cities.
For this interview, I’m speaking with Okoye*, a 29-year-old freelance writer based in Lagos. He tells me how he recovered from a gambling addiction with the help of his lover in 2021, and also how he’s managing his now two-year-old relationship with a single mother, on a ₦300k salary.
*subject’s name has been changed to protect his identity.
Total monthly income
It fluctuates. But ₦300k on average.
Occupation
Freelance writer — with a focus on finance (crypto, especially) and sports.
Bills and recurring expenses
I don’t pay rent because I still live with my parents. My dad, sister and mum contribute to it. Meanwhile, I’m saving up to get my family out of the trenches.
Food: ₦50k because we buy foodstuff in bulk most of the time.
Data: ₦20 – 25k.
Savings for relocating family: ₦80k in the last two months.
Black Tax: Upkeep for my parents and sisters rounds out at about ₦30k.
Miscellaneous: I pay for courses occasionally, and those take around ₦20k.
Netflix: Around ₦4k monthly.
How long have you been in a relationship?
Two years and two months.
How much does your partner earn?
She’s an online thrift vendor, so her income isn’t steady. But she makes an average of ₦80k weekly, which amounts to roughly ₦320k monthly. On some good months, she makes up to ₦400k.
How did y’all start dating?
Around February 2020, I saw her comment on a mutual friend’s post and playfully replied that I liked her but was holding myself back from sliding into her DMs. She responded, “Dey there na.”
So I quickly DMed her. But our initial conversations were stilted. She was mostly unavailable, and I struggled to reach her. She’d just left her ex and was learning to raise her two-year-old son on her own.
But in March, when the lockdown started, she had more time on her hands, so we started talking more often. By April 8, 2020, I chyked her, and she agreed.
How much were you earning then?
I was barely making ₦100k consistently, but we were on lockdown, so the pressure wasn’t much. We were OK with just calls; no need to travel (she doesn’t live in Lagos). We dated virtually until December 2020, when she visited Lagos for an event, and I booked a hotel (I live with my parents).
That was the first time we met.
With such limited income, what gave you the mind to toast a single mother?
I believe I’m an interesting person, and I’m relentless about doing better for myself. So even then, I knew it was just a matter of time, I would eventually earn more money. Also, I’d dated women higher on the social ladder before, and it didn’t freak me out.
Secondly, I really liked her personality. Once I like somebody, and I feel we might vibe well after watching them for a bit, omo, na to shoot shot o. What’s the worst that could happen?
A focused king! Okay, how did it go from there?
Funny, after December 2020, it took another seven months for us to see again, but under unpalatable circumstances. I’d been battling a gambling addiction and was in debt and I’d hidden it from everyone.
But one day, I lost a bet after borrowing money. When the creditors came to look for me, I got overwhelmed, so I left home, booked a hotel, shut my phone off and went to bed. My partner panicked when she couldn’t reach me. When I switched my phone back on the next day, I saw her barrage of messages. So I opened up to her.
I still don’t know how our relationship survived that.
Gist me
I panicked and told her I wanted to break up — I couldn’t continue with the relationship because I thought I had too much baggage. I was over ₦350k in debt from gambling — ₦150k credit from the betting house and ₦200k from loan apps. I thought no one would want to deal with my mess. But she got pissed that I was saying “nonsense”.
Tell me more
Omo. She said it was unfair that I wouldn’t even give her a chance to decide on her own. She did say we should take a break, but she wasn’t going to leave me hanging. She would keep tabs on me to make sure I was okay.
After two weeks, she asked for my account details and passwords so she could track my expenses, and then, she helped me work on a repayment plan. She also suggested I leave my environment — the betting centre was close by — and go stay with her for a while.
I was humbled by her faith in me, so I resolved to get myself out of the mess. I went to visit her and stayed there for a month. I wasn’t her favourite person during that period, but she was very supportive. But I bonded with her toddler so well, he didn’t want me to leave, and that helped.
The change of environment did wonders. I applied for and got ghostwriting gigs that brought in the much-needed cash. My partner had my account details, so she monitored my expenses and ensured I didn’t relapse. I didn’t want to disappoint her again, which helped me stay focused on dealing with the addiction. After that month, I went to live with my aunty. Gradually, I paid off my debts.
It was hard to win her trust again, but by November, our situation improved.
What happened next?
We began to plan for a vacation in December (2021). She visited Lagos, and we toured the city for a few days. I visited her soon after, and we had a staycation. Those were the best two weeks of our relationship.
How much do you budget for relationship sturvs these days?
It’s as the spirit leads. For example, the last time I visited her, sales were poor that week, so I helped her stock up on groceries and provisions before I left. When she wanted a second phone to use as her business line, I gave her ₦40k — a third of the total cost. It’s the little I could do.
When I need help, she comes through as well. We buy each other gifts: ₦15 – ₦20k here, ₦40k there, depending on our finances. She gives me more physical gifts — clothes, slides, etc., while I give cash and the occasional gift.
How much do you spend on vacations?
We make calculations and split costs. We spent around ₦120k over four days on our last vacation in Lagos and split 60/40 — 60% for me, 40% for her. Our hotel room cost ₦12k per night; beach waka took like ₦25k, including cab fares. We spent the rest on bar hopping around Surulere. Food cost us around ₦25k.
Since we don’t live in the same state, we spend the most on each other when we meet. In May 2022, I carried my brokeass to her house. She practically fed me for the first two weeks of my one-month stay and sorted all the bills because I wasn’t getting writing gigs for a hot minute.
But things picked up for me, and I took over payments for the rest of my stay.
What kind of conversations do you have with your woman about money?
We’ve decided to be lovers for the long haul, so we discuss long-term plans. We want to expand her business. I’ve suggested getting a physical location and diversifying what she sells. Her thrift business fluctuates, and I’d like her to be more stable. We’re currently making progress with that.
One of the things we agreed on was to start ajo — ₦100k monthly savings. This month, she’ll pack ₦1.2m and launch the new business line.
I wasn’t business-minded before, but I’ve started to make small investments. My goal is to make an average of ₦800k – ₦1m by next year at least. I’m also learning about the stock market to improve my portfolio and build wealth, and taking courses in comprehensive digital marketing, covering Facebook ads, Google ads, etc. With this new knowledge, I’ll run better ads and boost sales for my woman. I plan to learn about drop shipping once I’m done.
Do you have a financial safety net?
At the moment, no. I’ve spent so much in the last couple of years, I’m practically resetting my life. I don’t like the place I currently live with my family, so I’m hustling to get us out of here soonest.
My saving grace is, worst-case scenario, there are people who see me as credit-worthy. But I’m trying to double my hustle, so I can run family expenses and build a safety net while at it.
What’s the ideal financial future you want for yourself and your partner?
I want investments in real estate and stable sources of income that would see us making a collective income of at least $4,000 monthly. I’d also like an impressive stock portfolio of low-risk investments to assure our kids of a better quality of life than I’ve had.
