Rice | Zikoko!

Moderator: Today at Zikoko HQ, we have three debaters — fried, jollof and coconut rice — going against each other for the “Best Rice in Nigeria” title. There are two rounds. The three parties will present their arguments to the judges in the first round.

They have two minutes each to make their arguments, so they need to be as brief as possible. In the second round, they’ll go toe-to-toe. May the best rice win.

Coconut rice, you’re up first.

(Coconut rice walks to the stand)

Coconut rice: Good morning my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper and moderator. My name is coconut rice, and I’m here to assert the motion that I’m the best rice in Nigeria.

Jollof rice:

Coconut: Unlike my colleagues, fried and jollof, I’m the healthiest rice. The coconut milk used to make me has anti-viral properties and is good for brain development and bone health. I am not fried or cooked in oil like my opponents here, who can clog people’s hearts from the amount of fat inside them. Also, I’m highly sought after because I’m not common. Also, have you ever walked into a room where I’m being cooked? The aroma is so divine it’ll make you crave me more. I can be eaten alone or with my friends: shrimps, prawns, carrots, peas, beef and co. Whichever way you choose to eat me, I’ll taste great.

(Coconut rice walks back to its seat as Jollof walks to the stage)

ALSO READ: 5 Types of Rice Nigerians Need to Respect More

Jollof: Good morning, my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper and moderator. My name is Jollof, and I’m here to assert that I’m the best rice in Nigeria. Now, I’m not going to come here and mention health facts that I Googled five minutes before getting on stage.

(Jollof smirks and looks at coconut rice)

Coconut:

Jollof: I don’t need to say too much. I’m the most popular rice out there. I’m so famous that African countries constantly fight about which version of me is the best. No event is complete without me there, whether it’s a wedding, office party or burial. Even in game nights, I’m there. I’m a delicious necessity; people just can’t do without me.

Thank you.

(Jollof rice walks back to their seat as fried rice mounts the stage)

Photo credit: JCI

Fried: Good morning everyone. My name is fried rice, and I’m here to tell you that I’m the best of the best. I may not be at every event like Jollof, but sometimes we end up sitting side by side on plates. When that happens, people tend to eat me more because they’re just tired of Jollof.

Jollof:

Fried: I’m famous in Africa and worldwide. I can be made in many different ways, and you’ll never feel like you’re eating the same type of rice. You can’t get bored with me. Families love me during special occasions like Christmas, Ramadan, birthdays etc. And on that note, I hope I have been able to convince you and not confuse you, that I’m the best rice in Nigeria. Thank you.

(Fried rice walks back to his seat, and the moderator comes back to the stage)

Moderator: Well done on the first round. Now it’s time to face one another. You have five minutes.

Jollof: Fried rice, if you’re so popular worldwide, why are you here trying to fight for the title of the best rice in Nigeria.

Fried: Because Nigerians are yet to properly acknowledge my greatness. And if the judges rule me as the best rice, people will stop serving your mediocre ass at events.

Jollof: I can never stop being served. I am the king of foods in this country, I’ve been around the longest, and I deserve to be voted as best rice.

Coconut: You realise that all you bring to the table is tomato and pepper. You’re literally white rice and stew mixed together.

Jollof: What’s this one saying? Elders are talking, and you think you can put your mouth?

Coconut: Such a classic boomer move, trying to use age to win an argument.

Jollof: Yes, as long as I’m older than you, I deserve to be the best.

Coconut: 2+2 = water bottle. What are you even saying?

Fried: What even gave you the audacity to be here in the first place? Nobody eats you like that. How are you here, and white rice isn’t?

Coconut: How can white rice be here instead of me. White rice can’t even stand without stew.

(White rice walks in through the doors and goes straight to the moderator)

(All the other rice look confused)

White rice: Good morning sir. I just found out there was a debate about the best type of rice in Nigeria, and I don’t know why I wasn’t invited.

Moderator: I’m very sure we sent you an invite.

White: I didn’t see anything in my e-mail.

Moderator: Maybe it’s your network. What network do you use?

White: Glo — shit!

Moderator: You see. Anyway, you’ve already missed the first round, but you can join now and make your case.

(White rice walks over to where the other debaters are)

White: I can’t believe all of you are gathered here to argue about who’s the best rice when I exist.

Coconut: You that depends on other people’s sauce to be eaten?

White rice: That may be true, but the other people I come with are bad bitches — pepper sauce, turkey stew, curries, vegetable stew and so forth.

Fried rice: But you still rely on others

White rice: Don’t you rely on curry and thyme and your many ingredients that take forever to cut? As for jollof, you think you’re big because you’re served at events? I’m a staple food in all Nigerian homes. Hello? Have you heard of Sunday rice?.

Jollof: And that’s why people get tired of your old ass. You may come with many “bad bitches”, but the most common one we know you with is tomato stew that comes with one small piece of chicken.

Coconut: You this baby-boomer rice, you need to rest. Your time has passed. Gen-Z rice is here to take over.

Fried, Jollof and white: Shut up!

Moderator: Okay, that’s enough. Time’s up. Let’s take a short break and give the judges time to collate the results and decide on a winner.

White: But I didn’t even have enough time to make my argument!

Moderator: That’s not on us, blame Glo

White rice: (storms out in anger)

(One of the judges walks to the stage)

Judge: You all did well in your arguments. Unfortunately, one person came late, but we’ve judged according to the arguments they were able to make within the time they had. A winner must still be decided.

Judge: And the best rice to exist in Nigeria is…Fried rice!!!

Fried rice:

ALSO READ: Port Harcourt Bole and Lagos Boli Fight for the Title of “Best Roasted Plantain”

Dammy Eneli

October 29, 2022

Chopist

Chopist, Nigerian Food, Rice
Rice is a staple meal in Nigeria. Our Jollof rice has travelled far and wide and caused debates across countries, most popularly Nigeria vs Ghana Jollof wars. Although rice is a multitalented bad bitch, it’s not all hits with rice meals. Some meals are glorious, while some others are bland at best.

BEST

1. White rice and stew

The ability to slap in your natural state with little to no assistance is why rice and stew reign supreme. Rice and stew can be eaten at any time of the day with any type of protein and still bang. The only time rice and stew isn’t a hit is when the stew isn’t well prepared.

2. Rice and beans

Rice and beans cooked together is one of God’s best ideas given to man. There’s no stew type with which rice and beans can’t be eaten. This meal is a queen, and that’s on periodt.

3. Concoction rice

Concoction rice is the middle child that knows how to get shit done and comes through when necessary. When you’re low on cash, this meal is your knight in shining amour.

4. Jollof rice

Jollof is in third place because although it’s a delicious meal, it’s not always gotten right. Also, the fact that the spelling and preparation of this meal are inconsistent has taken away some points from the greatness — For starters, wtf is “jellof”?

5. Native rice

A true bad bitch is what native rice is. The taste of native rice will stay on the tip of your tongue, leaving you wanting more of it. God bless the person who created this recipe.

6. Ofada rice and ayamase/ofada sauce

Ofada rice is best eaten with ayamase sauce, and even tho ofada sauce works. The issue with ofada sauce is the overpowering peppery taste when it’s not cooked right when more attention is given to the pepper than the sauce.

RELATED: 6 Nigerian Meals That Are Perfect for the Rainy Season

MOST UNNECESSARY

1. Pepper rice

Special shoutout to Yoruba women and Babcock University students for inventing this meal. As the name implies, it’s peppery rice, and it’s best eaten with peppered turkey or snail.

2. Coconut rice

Coconut rice is any type of rice you like cooking with coconut milk. This one just likes to be extra, always doing the most. It’s delicious, though. The problem s its oversabi.

3. Banga rice

Banga rice bangs like a banger. It’s a pretty delicious meal, but it’s something we can do without. Banga soup works best with swallow, and mixing it with rice feels like overkill sometimes.

4. Fried rice

Fried rice is coming in last place because no real baddie needs as much assistance as it does. So fragile and so high-maintenance. Ain’t nobody got time for dat. Fried rice requires all the condiments in the world and still manages to spoil with the slightest excuse. If you’re not going to see the break of dawn, why are you so extra and want everything to be put inside you?

ALSO READ: 7 Meals You Can Eat on Sunday Instead of Rice

Ibukun

May 13, 2022

Chopist

Jollof RIce, Nigerian Food, Rice
If you are a Nigerian, then rice is something you’re not new too. You’re always eating one version of rice or the other. However, what does your favourite type of rice say about the kind of person you are?

1) White rice

You like what you like and no amount of peer pressure can shake you. You’re the original that people make copies of. Out of all your friends, you’re the most responsible one and people tend to trust you. You tend to lead in the situations you find yourself in, and are rarely bossed around. You are also very versatile.

2) Fried rice

You’re probably an only child. You don’t like stress and if any situations shows any sign of stressing you, you remove yourself. It’s an admirable trait, because it’s not easy to prioritise your enjoyment, but it’s stressful to the people that love you because they always have to endure your excesses.

3) Ofada rice

You’re the extra friend and the life of the party. You might be too much for some people, but that’s their business. If your favorite kind of rice is Ofada, you have a lot of personality and are prone to outshining people whenever you step into a room.

4) Coconut rice

You’re the rich and quiet friend in the group and your problems aren’t a lot. You don’t try to please a lot of people and your mantra is “I’m a bad bitch, you can’t kill me”. We respect you.

5) Jollof rice

You’re an extremely popular person and people are always fighting to be your friend. You’re the African Helen of Troy, and nations will go to war over you. A lot of people think you’re overrated and at this point, it doesn’t matter if they’re right or wrong. What matters is that you’re a sought after spec.

6) Native rice

You’re overlooked for your traditional ways, but if something isn’t broken, why fix it? People that love native rice don’t care too much about what other people say. They have a sense of devotion and it’s an admirable trait.

7) Concoction rice

Your haters might call you poor, but we call you resourceful. You know how to make do with what you have for amazing results. You’re the friend constantly bailing people out of tight spots. Life without you will be boring.

[donation]

Here’s what your favorite swallow or alcohol says about you

Itohan Esekheigbe

October 18, 2021

Inside Life

Funny, listicle, Rice
Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

On August 20th, 2019, the Federal Government of Nigeria introduced “Operation Ex-Swift Response”. The goal of the operation was to reduce insecurity through a complete closure of Nigeria’s land borders.

… we introduced operation “Ex-Swift Response” closing our borders from August 20th 2019, and have considerably succeeded in meeting its objectives as well as improving our national revenue.
— Muhammadu Buhari (@MBuhari) June 12, 2020

In the operation, the Nigerian Customs Service (NCS), the Nigerian Immigration Service (NIS), the Armed Forces of Nigeria (AFN) the Nigerian Police Force (NPF), and the Office of the National Security Adviser (ONSA), came together to tackle terrorism, armed banditry, smuggling, the proliferation of small arms and light weapons and other things.

Over a year later, the Federal Government of Nigeria has now called off the operation and has consequently reopened four of Nigeria’s land borders – Seme, Illela, Maigatari and Mfun.

President @MBuhari has directed the immediate opening of four land borders: Seme, Illela, Maigatari, and Mfun.
— Presidency Nigeria (@NGRPresident) December 16, 2020

Read: Border Crossings In Africa Ranked From Most To Least Stressful

According to the Nigerian Customs Service, these are the illegal items that were seized during the course of the operation:

1) 134,042 bags of parboiled foreign rice

2) 9,600 bags of NPK fertilizer

3) 1,791 vehicles

4) 3,565,461.9 litres of petrol

5) 5,007 drums filled with petrol

6) 68,436.3 jerrycans of petrol

7) 130 engine boats

8) 847 motorcycles

9) 17,212.6 jerrycans of vegetable oil

10) 813 packs of Tramadol

11) 274 bags of cannabis

The Nigerian Customs Service also put the value of these items seized at ₦11,030,062,952.50 naira.

Read: “Border Closure Is Only Enriching People: A Week In The Life Of A Smuggler”

We hope you’ve learned a thing or two about how to unfuck yourself when the Nigerian government moves mad. Check back every weekday for more Zikoko Citizen explainers.

Follow Citizen on Twitter

Follow Citizen on Instagram

Follow Citizen on Facebook

[donation]

Doyin Olagunju

December 17, 2020

Citizen

border, Buhari, Nigeria, Rice
In Nigeria, the good Lord of food blessed us with rice as a staple meal. That would’ve been all well and good if we Nigerians were not extra, experimenting and creating all sorts of recipes out of rice. From the king of rice itself: Jollof rice, to bottom of the barrel, white rice, take this quiz and we’ll tell you which type of rice you are.

Ope

December 14, 2019

Chopist, Quizzes

Jollof RIce, Rice
If you’ve not been living under a rock you’ve probably heard a lot about the longstanding feud about whose jollof rice is better–Nigeria’s or Ghana’s?

While the jollof rice war is a friendly debate that keeps the harmony going between some West African countries, such as Senegal, Ghana, Nigeria, Gambia, Sierra Leone, Liberia and Cameroon, it can really get tiresome for people who don’t even CARE about the argument.

Here are 7 things you’ll find relatable if you roll your eyes every time you see yet another; “who has the best jollof rice?”

You wonder who exactly started the argument in the first place

Aren’t there better things to do than argue about food?

What’s the big deal about the rice sef?

As long as you can eat something, you are fine.

You don’t even like rice

You can totally survive without it.

Surely, there are more important things to talk about?

Like, “can the Nigerian government do a census so we know what the population really is?”

Why exactly is jollof rice considered a “national treasure”?

Can the Spanish get on this jollof war? Because they have one too.

What’s the prize for the winner of this jollof rice debate?

Abeg what’s the end game?

Will there be feud’s about other meals?

Or is it just this rice sha?

Meanwhile, while everyone else is clamoring for jollof rice supremacy, making short films, getting people enraged by their oopsies; our Jollof Road team is currently touring West Africa to discover what the fuss is really about. They are sampling different foods along the way, understanding different cultures and interacting with different people, but they’re really just spying on the jollof rice recipes of other countries so they can come back with the results and end the friendly feud.

Gabriella Opara

October 31, 2019

General

Jollof RIce, Jollof war, Rice
In order for you to know whether or not the food in a particular buka is going to be good, certain things must be present. If you walk into any buka and these elements are missing, we have to tell you that the food won’t be sweet.
They must have very cheap and mismatched plates.

If all their plates match then their stew won’t be sweet. Pure facts. They must also have this one nation plate.
Either the owner or at least one of the servers has to be a rude and overweight woman with flabby arms.

When the owner is rude you just know the food is going to be good. You think they are there to serve you? They are only doing you a favour.
If you don’t see the woman serving flick sweat into the stew at least once then that stew can’t be sweet.

That’s the last and final ingredient that makes buka stew taste the way it does. Ingredient X.
As you step into the buka some kind of unbearable heat must overcome you.

Any buka that has an A/C is not ready for life, sweat has to be pouring out of your body as you are eating.
The food is served straight from the pot they cooked it in or old coolers that have seen life.

From the pot straight to your plate, no time to waste.
If the prefix of the buka’s name doesn’t have ‘Iya’ or ‘Mama’ or the suffix doesn’t have ‘Buka’ in it then it’s probably not even a buka at all.

That one is a restaurant or fast food.
A good buka doesn’t have an opening or closing time.

They open when the food is ready and close when food has finished.
If there isn’t a crowd waiting to buy the food just know it’s not sweet.

Any buka you enter that is empty has nothing good to offer you.
Because nobody has time for decor, you’ll find plastic chairs and tables that look like this.

Anything fancier than this qualifies as a restaurant.
The menu is never extensive because nobody has time for stress.

There is rice, dodo, swallow, and beans. Dazzal.
Do you have any other good buka-finding tips for us?

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

August 27, 2018

General

amala, Buka, Food, Food in Nigeria, Fried Rice, jollof, Local food, Pounded Yam, Rice
When you calculate how much you spend buying food in a month just because you don’t want to cook

I don’t believe my eyes
This is how you struggle to eat indomie for the tenth night in a row

God deliver me from this affliction
How you show up at your friend’s house who likes to cook every weekend

Surprise! It’s me again, what’s for lunch?
Everyone at the food place near your house knows your name, surname and birthday

Customer!!!
You parent’s are tired of you showing up every weekend to beg for homemade food

There’s just nothing like your mum’s jollof rice
This is you on the rare occasion that you have to cook

Why do bad things happen to good people
And it’s not as if you don’t know how to cook o you just don’t understand why it has to be so stressful

The stress
You’ve not refilled your gas cooker in 3 years because the only thing you use it to cook is indomie

At least you are saving money there
How you feel when you get into a relationship with someone who loves to cook

The Lord is good
You’ll rather soak garri for breakfast, lunch and dinner than enter the kitchen to cook

Garri never killed anybody
How you feel when you manage to boil rice once a month

Nobody talk to me, please
This is what your fridge always looks like

You don’t even have stew
When your friends come over and ask you what you have to offer

Will you like indomie or indomie?
While you don’t like to cook we know you love to eat. So how do you feel about jollof rice?

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

June 8, 2018

Oldies

bad cook, Cooking, Food, food struggles, Friends, Friendship, garri, indomie, Jollof RIce, money, money struggles, Rice
Not every time Jollof rice, sometimes try the healthy dish that is coconut rice. Blessed with so many coconut trees, Badagry people sure know how to make a mean rice dish with coconut. As usual, we’ll be blessing you with this quick recipe – don’t say we don’t do nice things for you!
1. For the rice, you’ll need:

2. First, you’ll need to break the coconut to get the most important ingredient, the coconut meat.

3. Next, blend the coconut meat with water until smooth.

4. Boil the coconut milk with meat stock for some minutes.

5. Add the washed rice, pepper, onions and of course, season with Maggi cubes and Maggi Mixpy for that extra spicy taste – cook this until the rice becomes soft.

6. Next, add the prawns, chopped bell peppers and the rest of the vegetables to the cooking pot.

7. Cover the pot with a sheet of foil paper- let it simmer for 10 minutes.

8. Stir together with a wooden spoon and your delicious coconut rice is done!

You can watch the breakdown of this recipe in the video below:

Don’t forget to check out more recipes from all over Nigeria on Delicious Naija, from Maggi Nigeria.

Make sure to look out for the ‘Delicious Naija’ show at these times on your TV: 7:30 pm, Friday on Arewa24, 7:30 pm, Saturday on Africa Magic (Family) , 5 pm, Sunday on NTA, OR just watch it online right now!

Maryam

April 21, 2017

Oldies

badagry, coconut rice, Food, Rice, sponsored
1. This disrespectful tweet.

https://twitter.com/Funorah33/status/806912996161294337

2. What is this travesty, abeg?

This is Amala 😭 Tag that friend that doesn't eat much 😂😂 https://t.co/uXYGAL5ok1 pic.twitter.com/QBiZDSwozm
— STAND UP NIGERIA (@STANDUP9JA) February 4, 2017

3. Someone, please pass the dustbin.

See N100 rice at (White House Yaba). 😣😓😭😢 @MBuhari

It's not fair. pic.twitter.com/bz0G8zdlsl
— Olaseni Odukoya (@senibobo) November 23, 2016

4. Is everything okay at home?

https://twitter.com/RocketInTheMix/status/816180032716603392

5. Why are people like this?

LMAO!! RT @AVARIBERRY: Brown Flour Rouleau with Wedu leaves & a side of Tomato Pate a la goat…. £250.49 pic.twitter.com/Sx3CaGJpBH
— World Boss (@Master_D_Julius) November 22, 2014

6. No, just, NO!

Jollof Rice with Lamb pic.twitter.com/DrEJ6PLXrM
— Bayiiri Restaurant (@bayiiri) February 16, 2017

7. We keep straying from God’s light everyday.

Seriously, but what is this? pic.twitter.com/vKaUtyaOjX
— Osaretin Victor Asemota (@asemota) February 26, 2017

8. Why???

https://twitter.com/OheneKofiTho/status/758417890118922240

9. Ridiculousness at its finest.

Frozen plantain and yam chips 😱😱😱 pic.twitter.com/u0UX4IyyAd
— Eat.Drink.Lagos (@EatDrinkLagos) September 24, 2016

10. Hay God!

https://twitter.com/Morenikeeee_/status/798597280114716672

11. What we ordered and what they brought for us.

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/720981744229486592

12. This person is sha cancelled.

Jollof rice is overrated and fried rice is underrated https://t.co/QmDBAANdqH
— Dams (@Adedamolaa__) November 6, 2016

Maryam

February 28, 2017

Oldies

Food, Jollof RIce, jolly rice, Nigerian Food, Nigerian Jollof, Rice
1. See how ponmo is dancing Makossa beside all that rice.

2. No, really, look at this beauty.

3. Jollof needs to fall back.

4. Because white rice has been killing the game since 1728.

5. Check out this IJGB rice and stew.

6. This rice paved the way for all the other rice dishes in the whole world.

7. Big things come in big sizes.

8. Are you missing your mummy’s white rice and stew already?

9. This ofada is just food of the elders.

Maryam

November 29, 2016

Oldies

Food, Rice
According to this report, there is a shortage of rice all over the world and we couldn’t be more worried.
1. When you realise the food that defines your life is about to get scarce.

Panic attack!
2. When you realise you won’t be attending any more Owambe parties.

Because what is an Owambe without Jollof rice?
3. Nigerians, when they realise there won’t be Sunday rice anymore.

Kuku kill us.
4. How Nigerians protest when they stop eating rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

We no go gree!
5. People that have rice at home will start doing shakara.

The same way girls on ig won't say where their weave is from, that's how chefs won't say where their rice is from when it gets scarce
— THELMZKITCHEN (@thelmzkitchen) May 5, 2016

He who has Jollof rice has the whole world.
6. You, when your mother can’t tell you “there’s rice at home” anymore.

Look at God!
7. Christmas Jollof will become Christmas Amala.

The stress!
8. What restaurants serve when you ask for a plate of rice.

Chisos!
9. Nigerians, when their favourite Jollof rice restaurants finally close down.

This can’t be the end..
10. Daddy Bubu will kuku jet out for an international intervention on rice production.

Bring rice for us oh!
11. Nigerians, when a minister tries to tell them to find alternatives to rice.

Who couscous don epp?
12. How Nigerians rush to Benue when they realise there are several rice plantations in the state.

Let’s go there!

Maryam

May 11, 2016

Oldies

Fried Rice, Jollof RIce, Nigeria, Nigerians, Rice, rice scarcity
Let’s go a little back in time to the elections period in Nigeria.

To when realistic and unrealistic promises were made, and “generous”politicians suddenly remembered the hungry, starving, Nigerian masses.
And since honesty isn’t necessarily a Nigerian trait..

Many politicians shared branded food items (and other gifts) which were eagerly received by some greedy voters.
Packaged rice.

For those that place Jollof above necessary infrastructure that should be provided by Nigerian leaders.
Odourless Fufu

In case the smell of mainstream Fufu gets in the way.
And recharge card to call the love of your life.

Aren’t our politicians just thoughtful?
Let’s flip the script and go to Europe where this politician is going to spend two years in prison.

Florin Popescu, a Romanian politician is being jailed for a crime he committed in 2012 while he was lobbying for votes for his re-election into office as a council leader.
He used his political position to secure an order of 60 tonnes of fried chicken worth $85,000 and shared it to voters in a bid to make them vote for him.

He loaded the chicken packages into trailers and distributed them at several locations. Although he resigned earlier in February 2016 and claimed it was for the “good of the country”, Florin currently nicknamed the Chicken Baron will be cooling off in prison for two years as part of Romania’s crackdown on Kwaraption!
Will this kind of crackdown ever happen in Nigeria?

We wait. [zkk_poll post=24520 poll=content_block_standard_format_8]

Maryam

March 18, 2016

Gist

apc, corruption, nigerian politicians, Nigerian politics, pdp, Politicians, Politics, politics rice, prison, Rice
Odunayo

September 25, 2015

Quizzes

Fried Rice, Jollof RIce, Nigerians, Ofada Rice, Rice, White Rice