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  • How to Act in a Respectful Way When You Finally Meet Buhari

    Getting national honours is cool, but being in the same space as Buhari is an award in itself, and you need to act respectful. Here are some tips on acceptable behaviour when you see our darling Bubu. 

    First, cover your body from head to toe

    We know you don’t plan to go anywhere near the president of this great country in your fitted pants or sleeveless shirts. Your parents raised you better, so you better don’t disgrace them.

    Bow at his feet

    You’re in the presence of the Grand Commander of the Order of the Federal Republic. Don’t kneel, and don’t just prostate. You need to fall with fear and trembling and wait until he acknowledges you and commands you to rise.

    Touch the hem of his jalabiya

    We don’t even need to explain why you should aim to touch the hem of his garment. Just do it, and you’ll feel the power rush through your veins and millions of naira teleport into your account.

    Hail him 

    Throw your hands up the moment you see him and shout “tuale” for the President wey sabi — as per Bubu the Traveller. 

    Grab his hands and kiss them

    If he tries to shake you, take his hand in both of yours and kiss his ring. That way, everyone will know you’re really respectful.

    Take selfies

    You happen to be in the same room with the number one citizen of Nigeria, and you won’t take pictures? Don’t even stop at pictures, go ahead to make TikTok videos, and if you wish, tell him to sign your forehead.

    Cry

    Frankly, the only thing that makes sense when you see Bubu is to cry and faint. 

    Squeeze ₦5k into his hand

    Being president is hard enough, so squeeze small cash in his hand for him to use and relax. Okay, the country is hard and you don’t have money, so you can maybe try food. 

    Lean in and tell him “purr”

    Buhari is clearly a material gurl, so you should give him the material gurl treatment.

    READ NEXT: Buhari Needs to Do These Things Before He Leaves Office in 2023

    Meyimi O.

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  • 6 Ways to Get People to Put Some Respect on Your Name

    Do you want people to regard you with awe and put some “respeck” on your name? If you live in Nigeria, the following will be very useful in achieving your aim.

    1. Tell them you know Dangote one-on-one

    Whether you’ve even seen the back of his head before or not, it doesn’t matter. The koko is how well you’re able to defend your claims.

    2. Choose violence once in a while

    Have been choosing the “nice” path? Ah. If you want to earn yourself some respect, change it for people and choose violence every once in a while.

    3. Stay far away from drama

    That includes not dragging people that didn’t do anything to you on Twitter, and telling Bisi you have work to do when she comes with office gossip. Tomorrow it’ll be your gist she’ll be spreading.

    4. Show them your birth certificate

    Maybe people don’t respect you because of your small stature. You can fix that by showing them your birth certificate. Let them know you are not their mate, especially disrespectful Gen Zs.

    5. Make it in life

    If you’re not rich-rich enough for people to use your name for clout, forget anything about respect oh. Make it in life first and see how people will rush you with respect.

    6. Make sure people know you only shop outside the country…

    …Even as far as Turkey, and your orders get delivered directly to your doorstep because you use a Shop & Ship service. If it’s easy let them do it.

    Shop and Ship is a global shipping service that delivers your online shopping from anywhere in the world right up to your doorstep. Discover the joy of shopping in the US, China, UK and Turkey amongst other countries with 32 S&S addresses worldwide. Why wait?

    Sign up today. For more information, visit ShopandShip.com.

    Susan Nwaobiala

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  • 6 Ways To Get Your Nigerian Parents To Respect You.

    Are you sick and tired of your Nigerian parents treating you like an unserious adult?. You know it’s time for them to treat you like a proper adult. You want them to see you as an adult they should both respect and fear. Here’s a list of ways to get your Nigerian parents to respect you:

    1.Walk out when they start talking to you.

    Disregard whatever your mind is saying to you right now, walking out is a power move. Literally. It might take them by surprise when you do it, but that’s the plan. If they don’t know your next moves, they won’t be able to mess with you.

    2.End their calls when the conversation annoys you.

    The goal is to take them by surprise, don’t forget that. Cut the call when the conversation gets annoying and you are no longer feeling it. You don’t have to explain your action to them. If they try to call you back, don’t pick up. Only talk to them when you want. After a few attempts, they’ll start being afraid to call you.

    3.Ask them for large sums of money with short deadlines.

    respect

    This won’t only make them afraid of you, it will make them afraid for you and that’s a win-win. We don’t need to explain how this works, just try it out and come back to tell us how it went. 

    4.Stay out till way past midnight.

    nigerian parents

    Any Nigerian living in Nigeria knows that staying out past midnight requires a high level of guts. Your parents will go from being afraid for you to being afraid of you. Honestly, we sef, we fear who no fear you.

    5.Move out of their house.

    This one actually works like magic.

    6.Cut them off for a short period of time.

    This will prove to them that you can do bad all by yourself. Show them some tough love, we all know that tough love brings respect.

    NB: You are fully responsible for whatever happens to you after taking our advice. Love and light.

    Ibukun

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  • 5 Simple Ways To “Respect Yourself” At A Buffet

    For many Nigerians, their experiences at buffets rank highest as one of their most embarrassing moments. 

    Read: 5 Ways A Buffet Can Go Wrong In Nigeria

    From simple things like being overly shy because you now have to exercise your alimentary canal in front of everyone, to really serious buffet malfunctions like when a host tells you to return one of the pieces of meat on your plate, the struggle at buffets can be real. 

    Because we genuinely care about, we rounded up 5 quick things you can do at a buffet so people will feel you. Or do you want to de-rep yourself?

    1. Walk Around and Have a Good Look Of All The Foods On Offer

    Any first-class student knows it is important to read all the questions before diving in to answer three out of four questions. Note that I said any, I wasn’t one.

    Well, that’s the exact same way you should treat the foods on offer at a buffet. Walk around and have a good view of everything on offer. This way, you won’t order Chinese rice only to realise the basmati rice is more inviting.

    2. Don’t Reach Around Someone Else

    Repeat after me – “CHILL”. 

    Yes, chill. Don’t act like a protestdlum looting hoarded indomien in Jos.

    It’ll get to your turn, I’m sure. Just wait the queue, patiently.

    3. When It Does Get To Your Turn To Serve Yourself, Move Sleek

    Remember that time you took a cursory look of all the foods on display, well this is the time to act on the information you’ve gathered.  Don’t hover around the buffet table doing mini-mini-mani-mo.

    Move fast, move sleek. Serve yourself and keep it moving.

    4. Don’t Touch Any Food On The Serving Plate With Your Hand

    No, don’t. That’s plain unhygienic, and it doesn’t do well, health wise, for everyone else. So, “let’s not atlact curses to ourself”.

    Use the serving spoons provided to serve yourself, strictly.

    5. Turn Away From the Serving Table When You Need To Sneeze

    It needs not be said really. If you have reason to cough or sneeze, turn away from the serving table so that germs don’t spread to the meals.

    That way, everybody is safe.

    [donation]

    Doyin Olagunju

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