Religious | Zikoko!

There’s no one as religious as Nigerians. But throw them into these 8 situations and watch them turn extra-religious in a fit of panic.

1. Pregnancy scares

You might have never seen your friend pray but the day they realise that their period might’ve gone to war and won’t return for 9 months, you will hear all the different names of God in the bible and their local dialect. Why? Because a Nigerian’s first course of action when a problem comes along is to panic in fits of prayers then find a solution after.

2. Having to trust another Nigerian

If you’ve ever gone jet skiing or canopy walking the Lekki Conservation Centre, one thing you’ll hear from most people is that they’re not scared of a bridge that’s several feet close to heaven but terrified of having to put their lives in the hands of another Nigerian. Cue the hot prayer sessions.

3. Exams

When a Nigerian is not prepared for an exam, you’ll know. They’ll be trying to get some last-minute cramming and in the same breath, begging God to give them a retentive memory. Because God is obviously a magician that will transport information they never read into their brains.

4. When you’re in another state and your mum calls

Whether you are 16 or 45, if your mum calls while you’re out having fun, just know that your day is most likely about to be ruined. Especially when you told her that you were going to the mall close by but caught a flight to Abuja instead. A lowkey valid reason to become extra-religious.

5. When they try edibles

It doesn’t matter if it’s their first or twentieth time, they will still react the same way. If you’re going to ask God to come and save you every time you do recreational drugs, maybe stop doing recreational drugs? Just a thought sha.

6. When they get on planes

There will always be people who spend entire plane rides praying for their lives. And rightfully so, because the last time people got close to God, he created languages and caused mass confusion.

7. When they forget to do house chores

If you’ve never been in that situation where your mum tells you to cook before she gets back and you forget until she walks in the door, how does it feel to be God’s favourite? In a time like this, praying to whatever deity you believe in is appropriate because you just might be going to meet them soon.

[donation]

Malakai Bassey

November 10, 2021

Inside Life

Inside life, Nigerians, relatable, Religious
Going to any type of church in Nigeria, you will definitely meet these sets of people. They sometimes make going to church fun and sometimes a little frustrating.
1. The Annoying Usher

They want you to walk all the way to the front to sit down, won’t leave you alone all service, always check to see if you are using your bible app on your iPad and tap you when you are taking a nap. Please leave me alone now.
2. The Oversabi Choir Member

They can sing perfectly off key, always try to drown out the other choristers voices, wear the most ridiculous outfits and are there for show off. Madam, church not project fame.
3. The Prayer Warrior

This is the person that prays aggressively consistently. Inside the lions den kind of prayer, If you stand close you may lose a tooth.
4. The Weirdos

These ones never close their eyes when prayer is on. To make matters worse they can maintain eye contact like it will take them to heaven. Oga, Jesus is not on my face now.
5. The Town Crier

They have the loudest voices. Whether it is the choir singing or during prayers you can hear them from miles away. Bros/Sis take it easy.
6. The Jonahs

These ones are always sleeping. No matter the event, opening prayer, sermon, tithe. You will find them nodding their heads and almost falling off their chairs. Kuku stay at home and sleep.
7. The Commentator

“Yes Pastor”, “preach on”, “Speak the word sir”. Sir/Mam, the Pastor knows his job now. Church, not football field.
8. Drama Queens

We don’t know if its legit. Small prayer, small breeze the pastor blows inside microphone they are rolling from the altar to the back door and back.
9. Holiest Holly

These set of people make you feel like the devil. They are perfect or act like they are perfect. Making you wonder if it’s the same heaven you are trying to get it.
10. The National Stadium Gele Women

These people came to church to ensure you don’t see a thing. With geles looking like Teslim Balogun stadium, and they know where to seat to block the view of the whole of the congregation behind them. Blocking someone’s blessings. Stress.
11. Fashion Police

They are in church to critique what everyone is wearing. “See sister Linda carrying a fake Hermes bag oh”, “why is brother kcee dressed like a traffic light?”. And they themselves… Please God accepts us as we are.
12. The Dancehall Person

These set of people came to church to bust the new dance steps they learnt all week. Once it’s time for thanksgiving just let them be, they will dance their hearts out then take a nap during the sermon.
13. The Wale Adenuga’s

Testimony time and ten minutes into their testimony they say “in a nutshell” and carry on for ten more minutes. Testimony time not “Oh Father Oh Daughter” seasons 1-5.
14. The False Prophets

“Sister Toke, I saw a vision and God said I should marry you”, “brother Paul, I think God has put you in my path”.

Tobi Smith

March 25, 2016

Oldies

Churches, Nigerian churches, Religious
Attending church with your parents can give various reactions from being sad to happy to being overly frustrated sometimes. Growing up we all had that time when we had to go to vigils with our parents and these are a few things that may have happened or maybe still happen.

1. When your parents tell you there is a church service that “evening”

So which one is it today?
2. And it starts at 10:00 PM

Oh God why?
3. And they say “go and sleep now so you can be rested”

But it is just 2 PM ma.
4. But your body has other plans

Why is this sleep not coming?
5. When you look at your watch and it is almost 9:30 PM

But do we have to really pray all night long?
6. And you are trying to give a flimsy excuse

“My back is paining me”. “I think i have a sore throat and my kidney is about to fail”.
7. But your parent is not having any of them

Meet me at the car in two seconds.
8. The long speech on the way to the program about what it is about

This must be the first part of the sermon.
9. When the testimonies and admonitions are getting too long

*nods in agreement to the testimonies*
10. And your parents catch you dozing and sleeping and give you the death stare

Ahan someone cannot nod his head in peace again?
11. So you have to stay awake or pretend to by all means possible

This is not an easy job.
12. Having an eye to eye contact with your parent when you should be closing your eyes for prayer

Its a mistake i was praying in the spirit.
13. Six hours later and the pastor is about to start his “short sermon”

Please what have we been doing?
14. And there are still four things on the program of events

What is really going on here?
15. When you hear “In conclusion” and all traces of sleep evaporate

What is a sleep?
16. And it is time to head back home

FINALLY! ITS LITT!

Tobi Smith

March 4, 2016

Oldies

Church, Parents, Religious, Vigils

1. Pregnancy scares

2. Having to trust another Nigerian

3. Exams

4. When you’re in another state and your mum calls

5. When they try edibles

6. When they get on planes

7. When they forget to do house chores

1. The Annoying Usher

2. The Oversabi Choir Member

3. The Prayer Warrior

4. The Weirdos

5. The Town Crier

6. The Jonahs

7. The Commentator

8. Drama Queens

9. Holiest Holly

10. The National Stadium Gele Women

11. Fashion Police

12. The Dancehall Person

13. The Wale Adenuga’s

14. The False Prophets

1. When your parents tell you there is a church service that “evening”

2. And it starts at 10:00 PM

3. And they say “go and sleep now so you can be rested”

4. But your body has other plans

5. When you look at your watch and it is almost 9:30 PM

6. And you are trying to give a flimsy excuse

7. But your parent is not having any of them

8. The long speech on the way to the program about what it is about

9. When the testimonies and admonitions are getting too long

10. And your parents catch you dozing and sleeping and give you the death stare

11. So you have to stay awake or pretend to by all means possible

12. Having an eye to eye contact with your parent when you should be closing your eyes for prayer

13. Six hours later and the pastor is about to start his “short sermon”

14. And there are still four things on the program of events

15. When you hear “In conclusion” and all traces of sleep evaporate

16. And it is time to head back home