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relationships | Page 8 of 14 | Zikoko!
  • How Do You Plan a Lagos Wedding on a Budget?

    How Do You Plan a Lagos Wedding on a Budget?

    When it comes to owambes, Lagos takes the cake with planning things out. But how much does it cost to put together a wedding that actually bangs? In this article, five Nigerian women broke things down. 

    Adeola* , 30, wedded in Ikeja

    April 2022 was when I got married and I planned most of it with my mum. We only hired a planner to handle coordination on the wedding day. The initial budget was ₦20 million and my parents were meant to cover most of the bill because it was a cultural thing. I’m Yoruba while my husband is Igbo. Traditionally, in Yoruba land, the bride’s family is the host. But in modern-day weddings like mine, the groom’s family contributes financially too. 

    Beyond the culture factor, my husband’s family had less than 100 out of the 500 guests we targeted. I had a larger family based in Lagos and coming in from Kwara state too, so we had to cover those expenses. The 500 people were even a gamble because I was the last child getting married. With my older siblings, we ended up with over 1000 guests. It was hard to be strict with such a large attendee list. And Nigerians no dey RSVP invitations; trust me, I tried. 

    Anyway, as a caterer, I was able to cut back our ₦20m budget to ₦15m. It may not sound like a huge difference, but trust me, putting ₦5m back in the bank when you’re getting married is a huge feat. The ₦15m covered both the engagement party and wedding. 

    RELATED: A First-Timers Guide to Attending Nigerian Weddings

    Wedding planner

    The most prominent wedding planners in the game were charging us between ₦1m – ₦2.5m. The not-so-big ones went for ₦500k. But I ended up getting a friend to help out and she took ₦250k for coordinating the wedding day. 

    Dress and makeup

    My wedding dress and other outfits were the same approach. One dress from any big brand was going for ₦1m – ₦1.5m and upwards. Initially, I was willing to rent a dress at ₦200 – ₦300k, but I ended up finding an upcoming designer willing who made a custom piece for a little over that range. The engagement outfit was the same price, and I kept my accessories under ₦50k.

    My husband didn’t also stress. He used an upcoming designer as well and paid ₦60,000 for the suit. He had a shirt he wanted to wear already, but the tie, pocket square and boutonnière all cost ₦11,500 while his shoes cost about ₦20,000.

    We all know bridal makeup and gele are expensive. And for the engagement and wedding, I’d be paying ₦1m upward if I used a premium service. But my friend recommended someone who was doing a promo package at the time and paid  ₦140k for everything.

    Food

    The catering would have been our biggest cost. As a caterer myself, if I was to charge for feeding 500 guests, their bill would look like this:

    And I’d still add a 15% service and transportation charge. All for a service that isn’t premium — no fancy seafood, continental dishes, fancy dorime services or displays. But we only spent half of that amount (₦1.6m)for the engagement and wedding because we catered the event ourselves.

    Venue and decorations

    With all the basics settled, the venue was the next challenge to face. We were planning to get a place on Victoria Island, but when the best deal we found was ₦2.5 m, the reality of inflation dawned on me. And the venues that cost less on the island weren’t good at all. So we kuku went to face the mainland. 

    In Surulere, there were only two options that could house 500 guests. One was already booked for our date while the other was under renovation. Eventually, we found a decent wedding hall in Ikeja for ₦1.5m Luckily, we got a ₦200k discount An engagement venue close by cost another ₦300k. There were cheaper options for ₦100k – ₦200k but each had one issue or the other — there were either no taps, air conditioners or security. 

    The rest of the money went into items like videography, photography, catering to logistics and accommodation. But cutting costs made it possible to splurge on a few things other things, fresh flowers for my bouquet. 

    Faux flowers cost ₦5k in the market. Custom-made faux flowers cost about ₦15k – ₦20k while fresh flowers cost ₦60k – ₦100k or more — roses and tulips are the most expensive. But I paid a florist ₦40k for mine.

    Halima*, 28, wedded in Surulere

    I got married in March 2022. I had my Nikkah ( the religious ceremony for Muslims) and reception at Surulere on the same day. 

    During Yoruba weddings, the lady’s family does the planning for the wedding, but the groom and bride cook separately. I’m not sure how much my husband spent, but the budget on my side was a little over ₦2m. 

    For a start, finding an affordable venue was difficult. And planning everything while I was five months pregnant didn’t make it any easier. After checking through Island locations to fit 1000 people and ending up with quotes from ₦1.6m upwards, we settled on getting an open space in Surulere. It cost us ₦600k with the tables,  and decorations and chairs cost me another ₦800k.

    In between searching for the venue, my husband and I designed our wedding bands — were customised gold rings with our names on them for ₦220k.  We had these done at Ojuelegba.

    The night before the wedding, family members showed up at the house. So we had to plan for food. About 20 guests showed up and we had to buy a carton of turkey and fish, half a bag of semo and 10 cups of rice. I can’t remember exactly how much we paid for food, but the most expensive thing was the two cows that cost us ₦750k.

    RELATED: These Guys Tried to Kill a Cow and the Most Hilarious Thing Happened

    As for my dress and make-up, I made sure to keep it simple. The white material for my wedding dress was ₦25k while sewing it cost ₦18k. My aso oke was a bit more expensive because it was an express order. The material cost ₦35k and we spent ₦24k for sewing. 

    My accessories cost ₦60k. And my nails and makeup were ₦73k. Logistics, accommodation for our family coming outside of Lagos and my hotel room were handled by my husband.

    Amaka*, 28, wedded in Yaba

    We planned for something very small because the wedding happened during the pandemic. Beyond the limit the government put on gatherings, we always wanted something quiet.

    Our court, traditional and white wedding cost about ₦2m in total. The majority of the money went into the transportation to my village in Imo State. My husband’s people had to come down from Lagos. Hotel accommodation and transport alone cost us ₦600k. 

    Igbo people also organise something called Igba Nkwu, a traditional ceremony where the groom performs rites for the bride’s kinsmen. There was a whole list with wine, foodstuff and money requests to cover. They cost about ₦350k.

    The rest of the money went into my wedding dress, food and picking a small hall around Yaba. As a Deeper Life church member, I didn’t need to think about earrings, hair or makeup. Styling my natural hair myself worked fine.

    Ronke*, 26, wedded in Gbagada

    If you don’t have money, your wedding will stress you. Mine was relatively pricey because inflation just makes everything go up by the week these days. The exchange rate was epileptic this year [2022] so planning for 450-500 guests cost a lot. Feeding alone was more than ₦1m. Then the hall was at Gbagada and was to cost ₦1.2m – ₦1.5m on weekends. But I had my wedding on a weekday and paid ₦750k instead. There was really no way to avoid spending that much money on food and venue.

    The next thing that took quite a bit of money was travelling to Akwa-Ibom. Since my father had a house in my village, the cost was on my husband to cover his family’s bus fare and hotel. That alone cost ₦500k. 

    I also wanted to have a lot of memories from the experience, so I really went all out on my media team. I paid about ₦500k to cover the events across cities. It was expensive but worth it for me.

    My most questionable expense was the MC service. He charged ₦250k and I’m sure we could’ve gotten someone for ₦100k for the kind of forgettable experience he provided. That money could have been spent on a wedding coordinator instead, but we move.

    Another thing that takes money is designing the wedding programs for the church wedding, but I did it myself in Canva. Most people just end up leaving it in church anyway. I can’t remember how much it costs to print them, but it was way cheaper since I did it myself.

    Everything eventually came down to ₦6m for other expenses like my dresses and accessories, the live band, drinks, cake and a bunch of other things I can’t remember. Honestly, even if you have a budget, add ₦1m to everything on the list to be safe, and ask yourself what the intention of every item l on your list is. If it’s to show off, remember that everybody will go home, last last.

    Dolapo*, 24, wedded in Isheri

    I got married in April 2022. My husband’s family took most of the financial responsibility, but my husband made sure there was a spreadsheet documenting everything.

    The hall and decorations were the most expensive. We went as far as Isheri, but we still paid ₦1,660,000. The photographer my father-in-law decided to hire was also quite expensive. I didn’t understand why we needed to pay ₦750k. I tried to push back but he decided to fund it. He also hired a live band for ₦700k. I had to give up and let the man spend his money at that point.

    We had about 700 guests, so the food was around ₦2m. There was lots of amala going around, a whole ram grilled in front of the church and lots of drinks. The small chops and non-alcoholic drinks came down to ₦224,700; our wedding cake was ₦100k. 

    The food, venue and media coverage took the most money. I got my wedding gown for free and fixed the weave my sister gifted me for ₦4k.

    Planning my wedding showed me that everyone needs good friends and family for support. It’s been three months since our wedding and we’re still getting gifts from people. It’s the most thoughtful thing.

    Now that we’ve gotten the money talk out of the way, also read: 10 Things to Be Prepared for When Planning a Wedding in Nigeria

  • 10 Ways to Make Sure You Never Receive a Bad Birthday Gift

    10 Ways to Make Sure You Never Receive a Bad Birthday Gift

    Are you tired of receiving bad birthday gifts from your friends and partner? Are you tired of giving fake smiles when your wishlist for the year is completely ignored? Here are ten ways to put an end to getting horrible birthday gifts.

    Shoot them

    Preferably with a water gun — except you’re willing to spend your next birthday eating prison beans. Then, by all means, fire away. Either way, everyone will get the message to buckle up next time.

    Forget their birthday

    Pettiness is the only way forward in life. But if you’re too sweet for that, sha buy them a really cheap gift when their turn comes. Anyone that gives you nonsense should collect nonsense too my dear.

    Avoid them like a plague

    Since no one knows what you like after all the years of talking to them, avoid them. Let bad energy stay away from you.

    Be passive-aggressive

    Take the silent treatment a step forward and drag them in the mud. Anything passive-aggressive to let them know they fucked up your big day is a must. 

    QUIZ: How Petty Are You?

    Re-sell the gift online

    Preferably a thrift shop they use. When they see it while they’re casually scrolling online, they’ll get the message. Make sure they’re home when you’re re-wrapping their gift for delivery.

    Re-gift them their gift

    An eye for an eye, a nose for a nose — you get the drill. Those words should be your daily affirmation this year.

    Ask them what they take you for

    Because why? Get to the root of the problem. Maybe your friends are really clueless about what you’d love as a gift. 

    RELATED: 5 Nigerians on Receiving Expensive Gifts They Couldn’t Sustain

    Save it for a future fight

    Take time to plot your revenge. After all, they say revenge is best served cold. So bring it up 10 years later in a totally unrelated conversation.

    Pray

    What if all the years of bad gifts are a result of your village people? Maybe they found you, stole your friends and have been masquerading as the people you love. Just think about it.

    I don’t know about the men, but if you want to make a Nigerian woman happy, here are Six Ways to Celebrate Her Birthday

  • QUIZ: Is Your Partner Right for You? This Quiz Will Reveal It

    QUIZ: Is Your Partner Right for You? This Quiz Will Reveal It

    You’re a complete spec, so you deserve the absolute best. If your partner is not it, you’ll know from this quiz.

  • QUIZ: How Will Your Ex Meet Their Demise?

    QUIZ: How Will Your Ex Meet Their Demise?

    Some of you wish the worst on your ex(es), but how exactly will they go?

    Take this quiz and we’ll tell you.

  • QUIZ: You’re Just Not the Hard Guy You Think You Are if You Get 10/15 on This Quiz

    QUIZ: You’re Just Not the Hard Guy You Think You Are if You Get 10/15 on This Quiz

    It’s okay to be the softie in your relationship, you know. But if you’re really team hard guy, now you’ll be sure.

    Take the quiz:

    Select all that apply to you:

  • Sex Life: I Don’t Enjoy Sex

    Sex Life: I Don’t Enjoy Sex

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old woman who doesn’t enjoy sex. She talks about the various ways she’s tried to spice up her sex life and realising sex isn’t something she’ll ever enjoy

    What was your first sexual experience like?

    When I was 16, I met this boy who’d just moved into the estate I lived in. We met on the road when he asked me for directions. He was a year older, and we attended the same church. I didn’t have a lot of friends my age, so from then on, I looked forward to the time we spent together. 

    One day, while his parents were out of town, he asked me to come over. I did, and we got to talking. We were watching this movie I had no interest in when he asked if he could kiss me. I agreed mainly because I was curious. I’d kissed a couple of people before, but he was different. I liked him. After we kissed, he asked if I wanted to take it further and have sex. I agreed. We went to his room; he used a condom and was very gentle. That’s how I had sex for the first time. 

    What was it like? 

    I’ve heard stories of how it’s supposed to be painful, and how much blood is usually involved, but it wasn’t like that. There was a slight pinch and no blood. 

    I also didn’t know what to do, so I lay there while he did everything. It didn’t last long, and I won’t describe it as an enjoyable experience. It was just something I did. It’s not like he did anything wrong. I didn’t know why I didn’t enjoy it. 

    So after the first time, did it become a regular thing? 

    Like a month later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I liked him, so I was excited. Since we lived in the same estate, it was a lot easier to hang out. We’d take walks together, and when our parents weren’t around, we’d invite the other over. It usually ended with sex. 

    I noticed nothing changed for me the more we had sex. Sure, I knew a few more things to do, but I wasn’t enjoying it. I just kept having it because he liked it, and I wanted him to be happy. We broke up a few months after because of school. We knew we liked each other, but not enough to deal with going to different universities and its problems. 

    So what did you do about not liking sex? 

    Initially? Nothing. Then I got to university, and everyone was talking about how great sex is, so I decided maybe I wasn’t having sex the right way. My ex was soft and gentle, and I thought that was the problem. When I met another guy I liked, and we wanted to have sex, I told him to be rougher. He spanked me and did a lot of stunts, but I wasn’t enjoying myself. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me? 

    It became a routine. I’d meet a cute guy, get to talking, and when we’re having sex, I’m just there, riding dick, getting eaten out because that’s supposed to make me cum. And yes, there are a few orgasms here and there, but no pleasure. Just me feeling tired and hungry afterwards. 

    For how long did this go on? 

    At least, six years. It was frustrating because I’d like these men, form romantic connections with them; we’d flirt, I’d get flustered, wet, turned on, but then the sex was always flat. My body is reacting the way it does to stimulus and whatnot, but as a person, I feel “there”. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Vaginismus Isn’t Letting Me Enjoy Sex

    Why did the routine stop? 

    Well, I did something incredibly ridiculous. At least, in my opinion. I agreed to have a threesome with a friend and her boyfriend. I’d never been attracted to women like that, but a part of me kept thinking maybe the reason I wasn’t enjoying sex was I had it with the wrong people. 

    But I was too chicken to actually test the theory. I’ve never been someone to ask people out. Plus, with the way I was going about my routine, I don’t think any queer woman interested in me would think I was queer too. 

    Anyways, when she asked, I was kind of excited. Her boyfriend wasn’t the finest man in the world, but she described sex with him as if he was the best fucker on Earth. So I thought if sex with her didn’t work, maybe he’d be the one to actually make me like sex. 

    And? 

    I realised I was a heterosexual woman and threesomes might even be worse than sex with one person. 

    LMAO. What happened? 

    Well, in the “threesome”, I wasn’t actually allowed to touch the man. Neither was he allowed to touch me. My heterosexual friend and I were to kiss and touch each other while he watched. I didn’t enjoy being watched like that. It kinda creeped me out, but I stuck to it because I’m not a quitter. Very bland experience in my opinion. I would never attempt a threesome again.

    But it did make me ask myself a few questions. Why was I so desperate to like sex? Like, there are other activities or things I don’t like, but I wasn’t going out of my way, trying to force myself to like them. Why was sex different? 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass

    Well, why was sex different? 

    It’s not a regular occurrence for people to not like sex. Everyone who’s having it speaks about it with such high praise, it makes you feel like if you’re not enjoying it, there’s a problem. Like you’re broken.

    Before, I thought maybe I hadn’t found the kind of sex I liked, but I spent six years searching. I was fucking people because I wanted to see if something would click and sex would become enjoyable for me, but it never happened. 

    I’d spent time and resources trying to figure out why I didn’t enjoy sex, which made no sense because I also didn’t enjoy pounded yam, but I wasn’t trying to figure out why. I took it as a part of life and kept it going. That’s when I realised, yeah, there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s okay to not enjoy sex. 

    Does that mean you never had sex again? 

    No, not that. I still have sex. I even had sex a few days ago. It’s just I’ve stopped beating myself up because I didn’t like it. The sex was nice. I had an orgasm and so did the person I had sex with, but that’s where it ends. Nice. 

    Not enjoying sex doesn’t mean I don’t feel sexual attraction. I do. I get horny and all of that, but for me, sex is a means to an end. I scratch my itch and that’s it. Remember how I said I don’t like pounded yam? Having sex is like eating pounded yam when I’m hungry. My body needs food and pounded yam is food. I finish my plate and might even ask for more. It’s not because I like it, but because my body needs it. 

    We’ll come back to not liking pounded yam later. How would you describe your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    I’d say a 5. It’s just there. I’m having sex when I want to, but I’m not going out of my way to. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: This “Throat Goat” Wasn’t Enjoying Sex


    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: I Didn’t Expect Our Relationship to End This Way

  • Is It Love If You Don’t Talk to Your Partner Every Day?

    Is It Love If You Don’t Talk to Your Partner Every Day?

    People swear they’re neither fans of calls nor texts, but does that need to change when they fall in love or enter a relationship? Can you really be interested in someone when you can’t make time to talk to them? These are the questions we had in mind when we spoke to these 8 Nigerians:

    “We have at least two calls with texts in between”

    Zo*, 28

    It’s only right to talk to your partner at least once every day. When you’re not dead or haven’t gone missing,  what is your problem? 

    My partner and I get on a call at least twice a day — one to talk about the day in view, the other to discuss how the day went — with texts at random intervals. We’ve been together for three years, and the longest we’ve gone without talking is a day because we were both really busy and ended up missing each other’s calls. 

    “We hadn’t spoken for 12 hours, then he showed up at my door”

    Pelumi*, 24

    There’s no limit to how often you should talk. My partner and I talk every 3-4 hours. There are a lot of calls involved, and when we can’t call, we text each other. Although we had a fight once and went a whole 12 hours without talking — I was going for 24 hours, lol — but he showed up at my door. 

    Being friends for a long time before dating definitely helps, but it’s still a lot of work. 

    “I can’t imagine anyone goes a day without talking to their partner”

    Lola*, 26

    No matter how busy I am, I’ll always find time for people who are important to me, so I’d expect the same energy. My partner and I talk every day, in the morning when we both wake up, with regular check-ins, afternoon check-ins are almost compulsory except for days when we’re very busy. And we have a rule to have evening calls because we’re intentional about communicating. 

    We’ve never stayed a day without talking, tops we’ve gone is five hours even when we were fighting. This is why I can’t imagine anyone who doesn’t talk to the person they’re dating every day. 

    RELATED: 8 Signs You Are Now In A Serious Nigerian Relationship 

    “If we don’t talk in 24 hours, I’d assume you missing”

    Erigga*, 24

    If you stay a whole day without talking to me, I’d probably file a missing person’s report because, why? We have to talk multiple times a day, with chats, memes and a minimum of one long phone call. 

    “You should want to talk everyday”

    Nosa*, 26

    I used to think just being interested in someone meant you had to talk every day, but some things have changed, now I think you should want to talk to the person every day. So even if you don’t talk, it’s not because you don’t want to but because you just couldn’t. And you should save the day’s gist for the next day when you’re filling them in on what they missed.

    “We talk till I fall asleep”

    Lisa*, 25

    We have to talk every day. In fact, every hour of the day, lol. I’ve been in a relationship for a little over a year, and we talk every day. We used to talk a lot more before but it reduced with work stress and the general busyness of adulting. We make up for when we can’t talk during the day by talking at night. On some days, we would be on the call for so long that I’d fall asleep.

    “You’re allowed to take a day’s break if you give me notice”

    Emmanuel*, 23

    If you can’t call or text, except you’re quarrelling, you shouldn’t go past two days. It’s okay for one party to go a day without communicating, as long as there was prior notice, even if you just say you didn’t feel like talking that day. 

    “We talk everyday because my girlfriend likes it”

    Isaac*, 28

    I think how often you should talk is largely dependent on what your partner likes. I talk to my babe like three times a day. We chat almost all day, but if she didn’t want to, I’d be okay going a day without talking. There’s no one-size-fits-all with relationships. Your willingness to compromise is what matters.


    Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

    ALSO READ: 4 Pros (And Cons) Of Being In A Relationship

  • 9 Thoughtful Ways to Make Your Plus-Size Partner Feel More Comfortable

    9 Thoughtful Ways to Make Your Plus-Size Partner Feel More Comfortable

    When you get into a new relationship with a plus-size person, there’ll be a whole phase of them feeling uncomfortable with you. But don’t get upset. As a plus-size woman, I can tell you they’re just unlearning the bad habit of wondering if you really find them beautiful — and to what extent.

    Here are nine thoughtful ways to help your plus-size partner feel more comfortable.

    Love them as they are

    Please, don’t date someone with the expectation of changing them. Let them be. Don’t give snarky comments about their eating habits or what you think they need to do to look fit. Take them the way they are or not at all.

    When you’re planning a date, pick a location that isn’t crowded

    Crowded places make it easy for your partner to overthink how they look. Of course, taking them out of their comfort zone once in a while isn’t a bad thing, but in the beginning, try to keep it simple. Pick restaurants with outdoor and indoor spaces. It’s a lot less choked up and gives your plus-size partner more options.

    RELATED: How to Be a Plus-Size Girl in Nigeria — According to Muna Ikejiaku

    Always let them pick where to sit on dates

    I love sitting in corners and I don’t like to be in the centre of a room because I feel everyone’s staring at me. And that makes me anxious. If there’s no corner seat, I still want to be the one to pick a spot because I’ll choose a place that makes me feel like it’s just my partner and me at that moment. And that’s the whole point of the date, right? 

    Don’t dump them with your friends when you hang out together 

    When you’re out for a party or introducing them to people, don’t disappear into the crowd. Stick around and ease them into your social circle, especially if they’re not social butterflies.

    If they sweat a lot, don’t ask why they’re always sweaty

    Your plus-size partner will likely sweat when they’re moving from an air-conditioned car into a hot room, or if they’re nervous. And they already know they’re sweaty, so don’t ask. Just carry a handkerchief around if you want to be helpful. 

    RELATED: I’m Treating My Body Like It’s My Own

    Don’t force them  to tell you their dress sizes

    There are a lot of things to consider with clothes. First of which is that it’s already difficult to find plus-size clothing in stores. Also, a size 16 in one store can be a size 14 in another. The worst thing is getting an outfit that ends up not fitting. So my advice? Observe where they shop and how they shop first. Or ask a close friend who knows what they like and make your move.

    Feed them

    Create a safe space for your partner when it comes to food.  There’s nothing quite as intimate as an indoor date where you cook for them or order your favourite meals. It lets your partner know their cravings are valid.

    Always compliment them

    Never miss telling them how beautiful they are. Say it when you’re alone, around friends, everywhere. Be the cute partner that makes sure your partner knows how much you love them. 

    Ease into being physically intimate with them

    They’ll always overthink if they should get on top of you, let you carry them or touch certain parts of their bodies. It takes time to trust that someone loves every part of your body. So if they resist, rather than getting upset, re-affirm that you love them wholly.

    ALSO READ: 5 Nigerian Men Talk About Being Fat In Nigeria

  • These Nigerians Won’t Stay With Partners Who Switch to These Jobs

    These Nigerians Won’t Stay With Partners Who Switch to These Jobs

    I saw this tweet below and the amebo in me decided to ask people what jobs they wouldn’t want their partners to have. 

    This is what they said: 

     

    “I’ll die from embarrassment if my man decides to become an IG comedian”

     — Adeola, 25

    I’m not sure how I’d react if my man decides to become an IG comedian. I can’t imagine seeing my man on Instagram trying to make people laugh by changing into different ridiculous costumes. I can already feel the second-hand embarrassment just thinking about it. It’s even worse if he’s the type that wears wigs and dresses. Someone will ask me what my man does, and I’ll have to say he’s an IG comedian, God Abeg. Also, what if he’s not funny? I still have to share the video on my insta story and encourage him? I can die of embarrassment. 

    “Imagine seeing girls fawn over your husband on social media and in person” 

     — Emma*, 24

    My heart won’t be able to accept my partner if he decides to be an actor. First of all, there’s all that lip action. How are you kissing all these people with so much passion and you expect me to think there’s nothing there? Aside from the acting, there are the fans. I know how crazy fangirling can be, so imagine seeing girls fawn over your husband on social media and in person. I won’t be able to handle it. I don’t know how wives of people like Etim Effiong or RMD do it. 

    QUIZ: Which Nollywood Actor Are You?

    “My biggest fear is that I’d have to play their music to my friends”

     — Ikenna*, 26 

    If my partner decides to become a musician, I’ll end the relationship. First of all, they’ll play their songs for you all the time, and you have to listen even when you’re not in the mood. Imagine living with them and they now have a studio in the house; I’d run mad. It’s worse if they play an instrument and they’re trying to “serenade” you; that’s even more stress. Then they expect you to say nice things about the music, which basically means I’d have to lie, and I don’t know how to lie. That’s how the relationship will end. My biggest fear is that I’d have to play their music to my friends or make my friends attend their music shows. That’s a hard pass for me, please. 

    “I don’t know how I’d react if my husband gets a job offshore”

     — Chisom*, 24

    For me, it’s my husband deciding to become one of those oil workers that work offshore. I can’t live with the fact that I might only get to see the love of my life once every 2 – 3 months. I’ve been doing long distance for over three years. I finally get to be with him, and that’s when he decides to get into a career that’ll once again keep him away? Yeah — no, I’m not doing that. It’s the same reason why I’d also be upset if he decided to become a pilot. 

    Also, becoming a masseuse is off the table, simply because I may pass out from the thought of my partner rubbing his hands all over another person. 


    “I wouldn’t respect my boyfriend if he decided to become a stripper”

     — Bola*, 24

    I’ll break up with my man if he decides to become a male stripper. I think male stripping is silly, and everyone will see how silly my boyfriend is. I’m not sure I’d have respect for him if he decided to get into that. And I’d feel major second-hand embarrassment. 

     ALSO READ: Nigerians Call Strippers So Many Dirty Names — A Week in the Life of a Stripper

    “I’ll  feel like one of her subscribers”

     — Maxwell*, 22

    If my girlfriend decides she wants to be on Onlyfans, I’ll shed serious tears. The main reason is that nothing will feel special again; I’ll just feel like one of her subscribers. 

    “I wouldn’t want to do traditional rites with my partner”

     — Adamma*, 27 

    There are two jobs on this list: traditional ruler and politician. First of all, they both involve having to be responsible for human beings, and I know I’m not cut out for that. Also, as the wife of a traditional ruler, I’d have to do ritual rites with him, and that’s a big no for me. As a politician’s wife, I’d be expected to behave a certain way and to do certain things. If he’s now a bad leader, citizens will curse my family and me anyhow. 

     “I don’t rate makeup artists”

     — Emmanuel*, 26

    Becoming a makeup artist is where I draw the line. I don’t take makeup artists seriously. I just don’t rate the job. I think most makeup looks look weird, and every Nigerian babe looks the same nowadays. I think the “art” in make-up artist is pretentious sef.

    “I don’t want my girlfriend making it easier for other men” 

    — Ola, 27

    I hope my girlfriend never becomes a stripper. It’s one thing for other men to ogle your woman; it’s another thing for her to make it easy for them. 


    Funny enough, I’d already told millennials not to date people with certain jobs in this article: Dear Millennials, for Your Own Sake, Don’t Date People With These Jobs

  • 9 Signs Your Significant Other Doesn’t Mean You Well

    9 Signs Your Significant Other Doesn’t Mean You Well

    Is your significant other the best thing since agege bread or is it time to return to the streets?

    These are surefire signs that your partner doesn’t mean you well:

    They don’t brush their teeth first thing in the morning

    Do we need to tell you that they’re trying to suffocate you with bad breath? Stay woke.

    They brush their teeth immediately they wake up

    Who are they trying to smell good and stay healthy for, exactly? Check the streets, your boo might be there.

    They like pasta

    If your partner has a taste for creamy pasta and its cousins, your account or your lactose intolerant bowels are in danger.

    Their beliefs are questionable

    If your significant other is already saying stuff like, “30+ women are expired goods,” “partners don’t need to know about each other’s finances” or “Semo is nice,” why are you still there?

    They have to travel 6 times a year

    Are they in a weird competition with Bubu? Your partner clearly has no other plans than to erase your account. Avoid them.

    You’ve still not seen their apartment

    They’re trying to show you that they live on the streets. You have no future there.

    Their mantra is “I can’t kill myself”

    They spend money anyhow and blame it on mercury and her lucozade. Do you really want to be with someone that discourages you from smart financial decisions and investments in this economy? 

    All you both do is watch TikTok videos

    You: “Baby, I really want to learn more about real estate, Bitcoin and NFTs.”

    Them:

    They don’t listen to the “To Be Quite Honest” Podcast

    If your partner hasn’t told you about this podcast, they obviously don’t mean you well. They talk about real estate, investment opportunities, social trends, and other stuff that’ll bring you out of poverty. It’s not every time food or movies, sometimes think about your future. 

    To Be Quite Honest Podcast is a fun and engaging stop for everything about real estate investment. Get updates on new episodes on Instagram via @tobequitehonestpod 

  • 6 Nigerian Men Talk About the Red Flags They Ignored in Their Relationships

    6 Nigerian Men Talk About the Red Flags They Ignored in Their Relationships

    Red flags are everywhere when it comes to relationships and dating. Some people spot it on time and run away, but others either don’t see them or ignore the red flags until it’s too late. These Nigerian men are the latter: they spotted red flags early in their relationships and still stayed. 

    Now, they’re sharing their experiences. 

    “My girl flirting with other guys keeps me on my toes” 

    — Aliyu, 30 

    When I met my girlfriend, she was with another man. The way she kept flirting with me and laughing, I thought she was single. Long story short, I “stole” her from the other guy. Now that we’re together, she’s constantly flirting with every bearded guy she meets but honestly, it’s not a problem for me. 

    I thrive well in the face of competition. Knowing I’m dating a girl who can leave me anytime has put me on my toes. From the sex to the dates and how I treat her, I’m always looking to impress my girlfriend. We’ve been together for three years, so I guess it’s working. 

    “I’m learning to live with my girl’s shitty music taste” 

    — Daniel, 25

    My girlfriend’s favourite song is Harlem Shake. I don’t think I’ve met anyone with a worse taste in music than her. Bad music might not look like a red flag to other people, but music is an important part of my life — it’s how I try to figure out the world. 

    I’ve tried to put her on to good music, but she’s set in her ways, and now I have to spend the rest of my life listening to Pitbull and Paris Hilton. 

    “I think my girlfriend has a spiritual problem”

    — Fidelis, 28 

    There’s a popular trope about women never knowing what they want to eat, but my girlfriend is the worst. On our first date, this babe spent about 30 minutes with the waiter trying to figure out what she wanted to order. After all the serenre, she still ate from my plate. Ma’am, you’re just getting to know me!

    I ignored that red flag, and since we started dating, I don’t think this babe has confidently opened her mouth to order food. These days I order for both of us. If she doesn’t like it, she can soak garri or make Indomie

    RECOMMENDED: 9 Red Flags Women Absolutely Hate

    “I’m dating someone obsessed with Instagram likes”

    — Tobi, 39 

    I should’ve figured out my girlfriend was obsessed with social media when she deleted a picture we took together because of “lack of engagement”. As someone who generally doesn’t care for social media, I’ve always wondered why she went through so much trouble to win people’s approval, especially when she hasn’t met most of them. 

    We had a big fight about it and broke up about a year ago, but I realised my life without her was like eating plain white rice without any sauce. We’re back together, and I’m slowly learning to adapt to my life with her. 

    “My girlfriend is a thief, but I’m a thief too, so it’s fair” 

    — Hakeem, 24

    The first time I invited my girlfriend over to spend the night, she stole my hoodie and sweatpants. I didn’t take it seriously at the time because I know stealing men’s clothes is what women do. But every time this babe comes, she always takes one shirts — even my trousers! The annoying thing is, she doesn’t allow me to wear my own clothes after she’s worn them. 

    Because I refuse to be cheated, I’ve started using her skincare products too. If you can steal my Fear of God hoodie, I will use your Skinceutical Vitamin C face serum as a hand cream. The bible says an eye for an eye. 

    “My girlfriend is passive-aggressive” 

    — Ikenna, 33  

    The biggest problem in my relationship is that my girlfriend and I never fight. We don’t even argue. Whenever something goes wrong, she gives me the silent treatment. It has been like that since we started dating, but I thought it was because she didn’t know me then. Eight months into our relationship now and nothing has changed. 

    I love her so much, and I’ve spoken to her about seeing a therapist. Hopefully, she agrees. I don’t know how long I can use my love for her as a blanket over this huge character flaw. 

    ALSO READ: 4 People Tell Us About the Red Flag That Made Them End Their Relationships

  • 10 Proven Ways to Get Over Someone You Love

    10 Proven Ways to Get Over Someone You Love

    Just like Burna Boy predicted, last last you eventually chopped breakfast. Or maybe you’re the one who dished it. The point is, you’re still in love with them. No shame — it happens to the best of us. 

    If you’d like to put those feelings to rest, you’re in the right place.

    1. You don’t

    This was someone you thought you’d either get married to or date forever. Imagine going back to a talking stage with someone else? Ew.

    Wendy Williams looking teary-eyed and distressed.

    2. Set apart three months (at least) for all the feels

    Just let yourself cry and go through all the emotions. Don’t let your village people tempt you to do it on Instagram Live though.

    Donald Glover crying out.

    3. Become an alcoholic

    You’ve already lost your heart, why not lose your liver too?

    Black female holding a bottle of alcohol dejectedly.

    4. Eat away your sorrows

    Food is the best way to forget about someone you love. Don’t believe us? Try this dodo and ice cream combo and see if you still remember their name.

    @zikokomag_

    #stitch with @themoodyfoody Ever wondered what ice cream and plantain taste like? @dammyeneli tried plantain ice cream so you don’t have to.

    ♬ original sound – Zikoko

    5. Get fit

    Channel that heartbreak into getting fit. You may not get your love interest back but you’ll have your summer body on lock. Lose some, win some.

    Young man lifting weights to get fit.

    RELATED: Are People Really Spending This Much at the Gym?

    6. Look through their throwback pictures

    So you can look at their pimple-faced, boot-cut trousers-wearing former selves and wonder why you ever got attracted to them in the first place. 

    Black female looking irritated.

    7. Gossip about them with your friends

    That’s if you hadn’t abandoned your friends when the love was sweeting you. You see yourself now?

    Image depicting three male choristers singing, "you are so lonely".

    8. Make mad money

    You need to focus on important things if you want to heal. What’s more important than making money?

    Lady giving advice to help her female friend get over a love interest.

    9. Get married

    So you can pepper your ex see that there are literally billions of other people out there for you.

    Nigerian gele-wearing female giving love advice.

    10. Block them

    They might try to come back when you eventually reclaim your bad bitch status and you simply don’t need that energy in your life.

    Black male holding an exit sign.

    RECOMMENDED: These Heartbreak Stories Will Make You Rethink Your Relationship

  • 5 Nigerian Students Talk About How the ASUU Strike Has Affected Their Relationships

    5 Nigerian Students Talk About How the ASUU Strike Has Affected Their Relationships

    The Nigerian universities’ god of thunder, ASUU, went on a labour strike from the 14th of February 2022, and the everyday lives of Nigerian students came to a stop. What is customarily a 4 or 5-year programme now has a “plus x” clause to it, where x is the number of years ASUU decides to go on strike during your time in school.

    In addition to being unplugged from the academic life, students’ social lives relationships are also being affected. We’ve previously discussed what Nigerian students really do during strikes. But what does it feel like to have your social life upended because of strikes? 


    These five Nigerian students told us how the ASUU strike has affected their relationships.

    Asake, 22

    I wouldn’t say that it has affected it so much. Most of my friends are introverts so it’s not like we used to go out to see each other or anything. We were all very comfortable being online and talking. But even now, that has reduced a lot. It just feels like I’m unplugged from the kind of life I used to have.

    Debola, 19

    The strike hasn’t affected my personal relationships in a bad way at all. Maybe it’s because I’m introverted. I have a closed group online where I keep up with friends and it feels like we never left. But if I have to think about whether or not I’ve met new people, then it gets worrying. 

    Tola, 21

    My relationships have taken a hit. I used to have a lot of friends, and we’d play football and basketball every week. I also talked with my boyfriend every day. Now I’m just a couch potato who just wants to eat and watch movies all day. It’s like I’m slipping deeper into aloneness and there’s simply nothing I can do to stop it.

    Chioma, 24

    I think my personal relationships are in a coma right now. It’s not even from my side alone. No one is talking to me and I’m not talking to anyone. It’s as if we’re all totally cut off from each other. It feels like COVID-19 all over again.

    John, 21

    Being home for this long feels like a prison sentence. I haven’t gone to a party in months. I can’t get drunk and have fun with my friends like I used to do. Even with WhatsApp and all that, it’s still quite boring. I was a “hoe” back in school. But here, all I do is go to church and talk to old people. I’m trying to convince myself that it’s not all that bad. At least, I still have Call of Duty: Mobile that I play with my friends every day.

    NEXT READ: What Do Nigerian Students Really Do During ASUU Strikes?

  • Sunken Ships: We’re Working on What Friendship Means After a Breakup

    Sunken Ships: We’re Working on What Friendship Means After a Breakup

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Adaeze* and Billie* have been friends for a year and five months. In this episode of Zikoko Sunken Ships, they discuss falling in love, pursuing a romantic connection, failing at that and why they’re choosing to be just friends even though they’re still in love with each other. Here’s their story: 

    How did the two of you meet? 

    Billie: We met on Tinder. I swiped right because I thought she was pretty. Honestly, I don’t know why she swiped right for me. I had a Kermit the frog picture on my profile. Adaeze, do you have a Kermit fetish? 

    Adaeze: Of course, I don’t. I swiped right for two reasons. The first is they have a hot name. I’ve not met a single unattractive person that has that name. Secondly, I thought they were someone I already knew, so I swiped for laughs. It turns out they were a stranger. So, when we matched, I went into it with the idea of friendship. 

    Billie: Oh, you just wanted to be my friend? I didn’t know that. I mean, it’s not like I swiped with the idea that we’d automatically become romantic interests, but I was open to it. I had downloaded the app maybe two days before meeting her, so I didn’t have a lot of expectations. 

    Adaeze: God put Tobi there to find me. That’s the theory I’m working with. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: We Should’ve Been Friends Before We Dated

    So, when did we start catching feelings? 

    Billie: Almost immediately. The first time we met was a month and some weeks after we started talking. And it was the day we had our first kiss. I was so shy.

    Adaeze: They were so nervous and kept moving around, flailing their arms and talking. I had to start the kiss, and I believe it was a really great first kiss. It really broke the ice. 

    Billie: I could have done better.

    Adaeze: Yes, you could have stopped shaking. 

    Billie: Apologies, ma’am.


    Would you like to be interviewed for Sunken Ships?


    Adaeze: We were actually supposed to see the next day, which was a Saturday, but because I really wanted to see them, we moved it to Friday night. I didn’t even realise I had caught proper feelings for them until the next day. 

    We spent the entire day in a hotel, and I had cramps so they held me while I slept. We watched Midsommar, and they closed my ears when the scary parts happened because I hate gore. That’s when it hit me that, wait o, I might actually have feelings for this person. I don’t even think they remember doing all of that. 

    Billie: Rate me small, please. I remember, and I’d still do the same for her. I’d do the same thing for any of my friends. 

    Adaeze: But here I was thinking it was a not-so-friendly action. I’ve come to realise that both of us have different ways we approach friendship and romantic relationships. 

    There are some things I’ve reserved for my friends and some for people I’m romantically involved with. It’s just that what I think is strictly reserved for people I am in a romantic relationship with, oga does for their friends. 

    Like that day when they held and fed me because I had cramps, I wouldn’t have done that for a friend. Sure, I could have fed the friend, but I don’t like physical touch enough to hold them. But I would for someone I’m in love with. 

    Billie, does that mean you didn’t have romantic feelings towards Adaeze? 

    Billie: I did. That Saturday, when she told me she had feelings for me, I told her I felt the same way. It’s just that I have some issues with commitment. I’m a dickhead and will ruin things eventually. Plus, I’m not ready for the kind of commitment a relationship will bring. I don’t like putting labels on things. Labels are too constrictive.

    Adaeze: Billie is a hippie. They don’t want a girlfriend, so we decided to see where things went. 

    Friend is fine, but girlfriend is too much? 

    Billie: I guess she’s my girlfriend then. 

    Adaeze: This is not how you ask a peng babe like me out. 

    Billie: Wait, I mean, she’s a friend that’s a girl. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because of My Childishness

    I’m sorry, that statement is giving primary four, and it just had to be said 

    Adaeze: Oho! The thing is, I feel like I’d have been fine, but then I found out that Tobi was seeing other people, and I lost it. 

    Billie: So I removed sex from the equation. I wasn’t going to stop seeing other people. She wanted more than I could give, so I’d rather just be her friend. 

    Adaeze: I wanted exclusivity and commitment. They make me feel safe and not stupid. I wanted to go out and scream that I was their girlfriend and we were together. I wanted to feel secure about it and just be with them. 

    I think it’s good they withdrew those things so I wouldn’t keep getting my feelings hurt. 

    So, what does your current friendship look like? 

    Adaeze: It’s still a bit weird, and I wish I could change that, but I’m trying to get used to our relationship without the romance. I was afraid that they’d stop liking me because they had removed those things from the table.

    Billie: Maybe if we had made it strictly platonic from the start, I wouldn’t have hurt her in this way. 

    Adaeze: Even if you’d have made it platonic, I’d have still tripped and fallen in love with you, unfortunately. 

    I think our friendship works because they’re so honest and plain. We have a lot in common, and our differences sometimes complement each other. Talking to them can be easy. 

    An ideal friendship is one where I don’t feel weird talking to them. The dynamics and boundaries have been properly set, and they finally stop complaining when I take all their clothes. We’re the same size fgs. Is it not a sign? 

    Billie: Please stop stealing my clothes; I have nothing to wear anymore. But yeah, she’s so easy to talk to. I never feel weird with her or that I’m being judged. Plus, she always has gist for me. I just wish what we had happened in a way that nobody gets hurt. 

    Are you both still in love with each other? 

    Adaeze: I love them a lot, but love isn’t enough. I recognise that, but it’s a hard pill to swallow. 

    Billie: I don’t think anything will change how I feel about her. We’d have been together if I wasn’t so scared of commitment. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

  • This Quiz Knows if You Secretly Love Spanking

    This Quiz Knows if You Secretly Love Spanking

    Have you considered including erotic spanking on your to-dos with your partner or you want to try it but have been held back by your Nigerian mother’s home training? 

    Take this quiz and we’ll tell you where you belong.

  • Good Night Messages You Can Send to Your Crush With Confidence

    Good Night Messages You Can Send to Your Crush With Confidence

    You’re on a mission, and it involves getting your crush to like you back, or at least like you enough to suck face with. Throw those generic good morning messages you found on Google away and use these proven texts to win their heart. You’re welcome.

    “May NEPA keep the light till morning”

    If this doesn’t tell your Nigerian crush that you love and care about them, nothing else will. Has Nigerian heat dealt with you in a dark room before?

    “Dream of Canada”

    The Nigerian dream is to claim your Nigerian roots from the safety of “the abroad”, which is why this good night message is the best way to show your crush that you wish them well.

    “You survived another day in Nigeria. Just sleep, you deserve it”

    This is a plus if your crush lives in Lagos. They deserve all the encouragement they need after spending their whole day in traffic fighting keke and danfo drivers.

    “Don’t let the mosquitoes bite”

    Everyone and their cousin know that mosquitoes plus heat while trying to sleep is only slightly worse than the seven plagues. What better way to show your love?

    “Don’t forget to turn on the switch when you plug your phone”

    Have you ever plugged in your phone before bed, only to wake up and realise forgot to turn on the switch? Yep, show your crush you don’t want them to experience it.

    “May your neighbour’s generator stop working”

    You know that trying to sleep to the sound of “I better pass my neighbour” generators is the absolute ghetto, which is why this message is sure to have your love interest melting. 

    “Sleep so soundly that your alarm clock goes off unnoticed”

    Let’s face it — no one enjoys being woken up by annoying alarm sounds anyway. Your job will wait for you.

    If, after all these, they don’t fall in love, they don’t deserve you. Periodt.

    NEXT READ: These Nigerians Hate Having Crushes

  • How to Always Win Fights With Your Lover

    How to Always Win Fights With Your Lover

    One thing we don’t like about relationships is that you and your significant other will fight. Fighting brings out all of the annoying behaviours, such as ignoring each other, being passive-aggressive — and if you’re really petty — throwing shade. And If you’re as petty as I am and always want to win fights, this is where I can help you. Follow me.

    Which partner? 

    If you’re single and you opened this article, I don’t know what you’re doing here. How can you fight with someone you don’t have? Shift one side. 

    Create a burner account and start dragging them online 

    Do this: While you’re dragging your partner by their edges with your burner account, you’re out there defending them with your real account. Your partner will see you as their ride-or-die and will forget whatever the fight was about. Plus, you can hold this act of kindness over their head for later. 

    Cry

    Two things can happen here: they’ll feel sorry for you and apologise, then the fight ends, or it’ll get awkward, they’ll feel weird about you crying and just apologise.

    ALSO READ: 5 Obvious Signs You Should Totally Back Out of a Fight

    Buy them food 

    No matter how upset somebody is, food always makes them feel better. That’s why people eat when they’re upset. Buy your partner their favourite food and you’ve won. 

    Send them money

    I believe there’s no problem in this life that money can’t solve. And that includes the problem of winning a fight. Send your partner money with the narration: “Are we still fighting?” That fight you were having will cease to exist in the universe. 

    Remove your clothes in front of them  

    They’ll be turned on so fast that they won’t even remember what you were fighting about. You can always count on horniness to come through for you. 

    Whyne them 

    Call them all sorts of sweet names. Hype your partner up like your life depends on it. Before you know it, they’ll start blushing foolishly and saying, “Stop jo,” or, “Abeg get out.” 

    Surprise baecation 

    You give your bae a chance to leave this country to go somewhere and relax, and you expect them to continue fighting with you? You’ve won future fights sef. 

    Call their parents 

    If there’s anybody that can set your partner straight, it’s their parents. And you already know parents don’t want anything that will upset their future in-law. So they’ll gladly call their child and tell them to behave. 

    Always bring up your ex 

    They’ll be so shocked at the audacity that they’ll let the fight go. Because clearly, you’re not normal. 

    Send them nudes while at work

    Create sexual tension by sending them sexy naked pictures while they’re busy working. That’s what they’ll think about all day instead of the fight. Then they’ll rush home to you to fornicate, and gbam, the fight don end. 

    Act like you don’t know you’re fighting

    I promise you, they’ll be confused. Your partner will begin to question whether you two are actually fighting. At some point, they’ll give in. 

    ALSO READ: Love Life: We Didn’t Think We’d Fight Because We Were Friends First

  • QUIZ: There’s No Doubt You’re Your Parents’ Favorite if You Get Up to 15/20 on This Quiz

    QUIZ: There’s No Doubt You’re Your Parents’ Favorite if You Get Up to 15/20 on This Quiz

    Today, we’re bringing an end to the age-long debate of which child parents love the most.

    Whether it’s the first, middle, or last born, you can only be sure after you take this quiz.

    Choose the ones that are true for you:

  • Pros and Cons of Dating Somebody’s Boyfriend

    Pros and Cons of Dating Somebody’s Boyfriend

    There are times when you see things that other people have that you like and want. Sometimes, what you want is somebody else’s boyfriend. Here are the pros and cons of doing that first. 

    Pro: You can enjoy his money with no feelings attached 

    You can finish his money without feeling guilty. You’re not his partner, so you don’t have to worry about his future or the future of your relationship. If he can’t afford to pay rent, it doesn’t affect you because you’re not the one that’ll end up with him. Spend that man’s money with your full chest. 

    Con: They will beat you 

    See ehn, if by any chance you’re caught, they will beat you shege and disgrace you. You may end up in the ICU. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. 

     

    Pro: You get to fornicate with other people without guilt 

    He’s not your boyfriend, so no commitment. That means you can fornicate with as many people as you want without feeling guilty. If he begins to complain, tell him he should go and meet his babe and not stress you. 

    Con: You can’t complain if they cheat 

    As you’re doing your own, just know that he can do his own too. Because he’s cheating with you doesn’t mean that you’re the only one. And you’re in no position to get jealous or upset because he’s not your man. 

    Pro: You get a boyfriend 

    You may get some of the perks of having a boyfriend, such as dates, cute messages, gifts, etc. At the same time, you don’t have to do the duties that a partner would, such as family visits, being friends with his friends or worrying too much about fighting. 

    Con: You have to hide 

    You may have to travel to FESTAC to find a decent place to spend time together, where the original person that owns the man, won’t catch you. If you go anywhere public, friends of his partner or the actual partner may see you. And kasala might burst. 

     ALSO READ: The Nigerian Lover’s Guide to Cheating Respectfully

    ALSO READ: What’s the Difference Between Main Boyfriend Penis and Side Guy

    Pro: You don’t have to do too much 

    His actual partner has everything covered. In terms of gifts, intentional communication, quality time, etc. You don’t have to make too much of an effort; somebody is already doing all the hard work. Just show up, collect what you want to collect, and go. 

    Con: You’ll be hidden

    He probably saves your name as MTN. SMH no manners.

    Pro: He’ll give you a dick to ride on 

    When he’s upset about something that happened with his partner, he’ll come to you for comfort. Added to that comfort,  is fornication. After all, I’m-upset-and-I-need-someone-to-talk-to knacks is the second-best type of sex after we-shouldn’t-be-doing-this sex. 

    Con: You’re always a shoulder to cry on

    On the flip side, every time he and his partner fight, he’ll come and cry and whine to you, and that’s not what you signed up for. You’re not there to help him sort out his relationship issues. 

    ALSO READ: 6 Unmissable Signs You’re The Side Guy

  • When did These 5 Nigerian Men Realise They Deserved Better in Their Relationships?

    When did These 5 Nigerian Men Realise They Deserved Better in Their Relationships?

    Nigerian men have had their fair share of bad relationships. For this article, I was particularly interested in finding out the moment they realised they deserved better and walked away. I asked a few people, and this is what they said.

    “This person was stealing my joy, and I couldn’t stand for that”

    — Tobi*, 27

    I’m typically a happy-go-lucky person; I like to have fun and enjoy life, and I like to spend time with my family and friends. But the person I was dating at one time was sapping all my joy and taking more away from me than they were giving. 

    Over time, I realised I wasn’t happy in the relationship. At some point, it hit me that I was spending a lot of time with this person because they liked quality time, but they were not making me happy. It didn’t make sense. We were quarrelling constantly. Then, we had this big fight that finally made us call off the relationship. They reached out to me to get back together, but I realised I deserved better, and I was comfortable and happy being single. 

    “I hustled and worked hard so that we could both be happy, and that’s how I became her ATM”

     — Henry*, 25

    The last relationship I was in lasted four years. I was a foolish lover boy. When we started dating, she called me broke. She made subtle comments about the fact that I didn’t have money. Because of that, I hustled and worked hard for two years so that we could both be happy. Then, my new nickname became ATM. She had access to my debit card and she’d spend as much as she liked while I was working my ass off. The moment I realised that I deserved better was when my eyes cleared, and it hit me that the feelings I had for this woman were one-sided. She never made any effort towards the relationship; it was always about money. When I had money, she’d be all over me, spending it anyhow she liked. When I became temporarily broke, she’d begin to drop hints about not wanting to be with a broke man. I was putting my best foot forward in the relationship and trying to be my best for her, but she didn’t care. When I realised that was the kind of person she was and she wasn’t going to change, I walked away. 

    RELATED: “I Was Miserable AF” — Nigerian Men Talk About Leaving Toxic Relationships

    “My friend asked why I was putting all my effort and feelings into someone who obviously didn’t like me”

    —Ahmed, 31

    I wasn’t in a relationship with this person, but we were in the talking stage for a bit. When we first started talking, her energy was always on and off. Sometimes, she’d be very chatty with me; other times, she’d give me one-word replies after ignoring for a while. I just assumed this was because she had a demanding job in the IT industry. This was also the reason we cancelled on dates quite a lot. When we finally went on a date, I went straight to the point and told her about my feelings for her and where I wanted our relationship to go. Then she talked about this guy she had been seeing recently who had just relocated to the US. She said we could still try for a relationship to see where it went. 

    After spending a lot of time together, texting, calling, and sharing car rides to work (her car had issues at some point), I finally decided to ask her to be my girlfriend. She gave me the same answer she gave at the beginning of our first date. After that, I just decided to back off. I was heartbroken. I told her I’d need some distance from her, which meant I couldn’t pick her up and drop her off at work and home. But she guilt-tripped me into continuing by making me feel bad and promising me her car would be fixed soon. She knew how much I liked her. During the car rides, she would act like she liked me, so my feelings for her intensified instead of going away. 

    I realised I deserved better when a friend of mine was in the car with us one day. After we dropped her off, my friend asked why I was putting all my effort and feelings into someone who obviously didn’t like me. I explained the whole situation, and my friend told me to drop her immediately, that I was wasting my time, and I deserved much better. 

    “The lack of communication and reciprocity on her side was what I couldn’t stand”

    — Tunde*, 25

    I had been receiving the barest minimum from my girlfriend for about five months. I was always the one who had to call and text for long periods without a response or feedback. When I got one, it was an excuse about being busy with work. We both had 9-5s, and it had recently become a long-distance relationship.

    The funny part is, I started working first, and she was on my neck to always keep in touch despite my schedule. Her turn came, and all I got was radio silence. The lack of communication and reciprocity on her side was what I couldn’t stand. But I didn’t know how bad it was till a friend of mine asked me about her, and I told him everything. Doing that helped me realise that I was being shortchanged. I was like, “Is this really me?” That’s when I realised I was doing too much for nothing, and I ended the relationship.

    “My ex constantly reminded me in every way possible that I didn’t have the kind of money she wanted”

     — Emeka*, 29

    My ex constantly reminded me in every way possible that I didn’t have the kind of money she wanted. She was the first daughter of her family, so there was a lot of pressure on her to take care of her siblings. I understood that, and I tried my best for her. But no matter what I gave her, it wasn’t enough. Aside from the family pressure, I think she was generally greedy. One time, she told me I gave her the least amount of money for her birthday. I can’t even begin to describe how badly that statement hurt. 

    The moment I knew I deserved better was when she cheated. When I questioned her, she told me nothing happened, and that she and the man she went to see just laid on the bed. She didn’t even make an effort to lie to me properly. 

    ALSO READ: Who Do These 6 Married Nigerian Men Talk to When Times Get Rough?

  • Sex Life: This “Throat Goat” Wasn’t Enjoying Sex

    Sex Life: This “Throat Goat” Wasn’t Enjoying Sex

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 23-year-old woman who loves giving blowjobs. She talks about her curiosity about what made men tick, not enjoying sex because she couldn’t tell them what made her tick, finding her voice and how it helped her prioritise her sexual health. 

    Tell me about your first sexual experience

    I was 18, and it was with a secondary school crush of mine. I went over to his house to chill, we started making out, I don’t know what initiated it, but I do know I wanted to give him a blowjob. I had never given one before. All I knew about it, I learned from porn. But that didn’t stop me from trying. He kept complimenting me on how good it was and for not using teeth. He also returned the favour by giving me head; a win-win situation. The only downside was having a sore throat days later. 

    Penetrative sex happened a whole year later. I was in university at this time and in a relationship. It was easily the most disappointing experience of my entire life. I didn’t have high expectations of my first time, but I could still tell it could be better. At a point, I started asking myself if this was the sex everyone kept hyping up. I was thoroughly frustrated. 

    Why do you think it was so bad? 

    He was obsessed with porn, and it showed in the way he had sex. Everything was theatrical, and he wasn’t invested in things I liked. His only redeeming quality was his fingers. He was good with those, but he never fingered me long enough to make me cum because he didn’t care enough about my pleasure. After a couple of months, the relationship ended, and I continued looking for good sex. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Vaginismus Isn’t Letting Me Enjoy Sex

    How did that journey go? 

    I ended up with partner number two, who I was head over heels in love with. Sex with him was better because it was different. Unlike the man before him who kept trying to perform, he was gentler. I tried to communicate the things I liked with him because I wanted to enjoy sex. He’d listen but never actually do anything about it. Eventually, he told me he had decided to revive his faith in God, and as such, we couldn’t have sex again. 

    I went on to partner number 3, still at the age of 19, but something stuck with me. I found it almost impossible to tell any other partner what I liked during sex. Opening up to the last one about what I liked, and not having it implemented, made me not want to repeat it. I wasn’t talking to my partners about anything sex-related. I assumed that the same way society spoke about how much a woman should be able to please a man in bed, men were also expected to please their women. I was wrong, and I have the terrible sexual experiences to prove it. 

    If the sex was so bad, why keep having it? 

    Because I knew it could be better, and I was inquisitive. My parents never let me leave the house, so university was my one chance to act my age and explore everything I wanted to know. 

    My curiosity, combined with my inability to speak up about what I liked during sex, led me into situations I shouldn’t have been in. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass

    Explain, please

    I’ve been curious about what makes men tick and what doesn’t, so I replicated many things I saw on the internet. Blowjobs seemed to be that thing. It also helped that I love the taste and feel of a dick in my mouth; like having a lollipop in my mouth. So, whenever I had sex with a man, a blowjob would come out of it. The only problem is that not all dicks should be in your mouth. 

    There’s this thing I like to call “dirty dick smell”. It’s this odour that hits you when a dick is dirty. It’s very common when the penis has been cooking for a while. It’s just a mixture of sweat and dick and is very unappealing. 

    The intelligent thing to do when you smell a dick like that is to ask them to take a shower or just outrightly refuse to blow them, but I didn’t want to humiliate them, so I’d put it in my mouth either way. The result? Days and days of battling an extremely sore throat. 

    That’s something that particularly annoyed me about sex with men who never put in any effort. Because when it came to sex, I was researching how to arch correctly, trying to eliminate my gag reflex, being called the throat goat and giving sloppy top, but I couldn’t even get one orgasm out of it — risking my physical health for loads of mediocre sex. Sometimes, I wanted to bite down on the dick while it was in my mouth.

    Did the blowjobs stop?

    No. I enjoyed the power trip that came with giving blowjobs. It was a turn-on for me; I just had to make it more sanitary. When I eventually gathered the balls, I started asking men to take a shower before we had sex. Sometimes, they’d act embarrassed, but my health was more important. It was either that or nothing.

    Finding my voice also stopped the sufferhead Olympics I engaged in regarding sex. Men would tell me they never had orgasms from oral sex, and I’d get on my knees because I felt like I had something to prove. No more. If you can’t get an orgasm through a blowjob, good luck to you and yours. 

    I’m ashamed it was not something I started doing earlier, but I had finally had enough. Better late than never, right? 

    Yeah, definitely. How did that go? 

    I met someone. He’s my current boyfriend, and I almost ruined what we had because I never spoke up. After a while of having sex with men who never cared about my orgasm, it built resentment, and I carried that into our new relationship. I’m glad he is patient enough to help me figure it out. 

    He asks me questions and is very intentional with foreplay and aftercare. Unlike my previous partners, he’s very open to having conversations with me about sex. 

    How’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    I’d give it a 7. I’m finally enjoying sex, but the sex is not as frequent as I’d like because it’s a long-distance relationship. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm


    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: Her Jealousy Almost Ruined My Life

  • QUIZ: What Should You Get Your Partner for Children’s Day?

    QUIZ: What Should You Get Your Partner for Children’s Day?

    Your partner is someone’s child and they deserve a Children’s Day gift.

    Take this quiz to figure out what to get your partner on that day.

  • Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

    Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    To *Yinka, *Chioma was the closest friend she had in university, until she asked her to make a choice: Jesus or their friendship.   

    Chioma approached me in school after a workshop my department organised, and as we walked to the bus stop together, we talked about everything, from the classes we shared to the lessons we learnt. The next day, we both actively searched for the other person in class and walked home together after. Thus began our friendship. 

    We had exchanged numbers, so once we both went our separate ways, we picked up our conversation over the phone. Although we lived at opposite ends of campus, we’d walk each other to and fro, eventually choosing a middle point to depart. We were inseparable. 

    I would go over to Chioma’s house just so she could braid my hair. We’d also bake cupcakes and fry eggs with crayfish and noodles. Sometimes, we’d ditch classes to do these things, just so we could spend more time in each other’s company. 

    Since we took whatever chance we could to spend time with each other, I started going to her church. Not because I felt drawn to God, but because she was there, and religion made her happy, so I was going to suck it up. Unfortunately, that’s where the problems started. 

    The closer we got to one another, the more obvious how different we were became. Before, the snide comments she made about feminists were only met with eye rolls from me, but then it started causing little fights that would make us not speak to each other for hours. The fights never lasted longer than a couple of hours though. We’d rush back to apologise to one another, promising to never let it happen again, but it would happen again. In fact, it happened a lot of times. And the fights started moving from arguing about feminism to religion. 

    The longer I spent in the church, the more miserable I became. Sometimes, I’d snap at her about Christianity, and it would lead to more fights. When I started talking more about being bisexual, she said I could pray it away, and then, that led to even more fights. 

    One day during the holidays, she made a statement on her WhatsApp status about how homosexuality is wrong, and I texted to ask if it was directed at me. We had a long conversation that made me realise, nobody is going to come back begging this time. We had two different stances we weren’t going to budge on, so we just stopped talking. Maybe we were waiting for the other to apologise. 

    School resumed, and we still didn’t talk to each other. When Chioma did try to reach out, I asked her if she finally saw me as a human being. She told me I was asking her to make a choice, Jesus or me. I told her that if that’s how she saw it, then she should make the choice. I wasn’t the answer she chose. She said she’d always choose Jesus, and we’ve barely said more than three words to each other since then.  

    You were so different. How didn’t you know the relationship was going to end? 

    We were both lonely people, and I think we bonded over that loneliness. Unfortunately, we didn’t have much other than an insane love for one another. Love wouldn’t always be enough, and I learnt that the hard way. You have to understand each other. Make allowance for one another and communicate greatly and compromise. 

    The thing is, I love her so much. I was willing to forgive everything she’d ever do. It’s just the day we had that conversation on WhatsApp, I had hoped she’d pick my side. Me, the person she claimed she loved more than anything. 

    She told me she loved me but hated what I did. I tried so hard to explain to her that what I did was me. It’s not something I had a choice in just as much as she didn’t have a choice when she was breathing, but she didn’t listen to me. That’s why I asked her if she was choosing Jesus over me. She told me it wasn’t a choice, and that Jesus will always be number 1. That statement hurt more than it should have, but it finally gave me the push I needed to leave. We should have stopped being friends after the fights about feminism and Christianity, but I forgave her every single time. 

    We were never a good fit, and that’s okay. Her faith is important to her. I respect that, but my sexuality is important to me just as much. Before, I thought we could have had a middle ground. Now? Not really. 

    How did you feel after you stopped talking? 

    A mess. Do you know how hard it is to break a routine? I had to physically stop myself from texting or calling her. I no longer knew what she was doing every time of the day. I’d see things we’d usually make inside jokes about, but I wasn’t able to share them with her. 

    When school resumed, I was still waking up early so I could go to her house before class. On occasion, I’d take walks close to her house because I was tempted to knock and ask her if she missed me the way I missed her. 

    What was the hardest part about seeing her in school? 

    Not being able to say hi. I felt like if I talk to her even once, I’d forget all the pain her statements caused me, and I’d move on. I couldn’t go back to being friends with someone who’s made it clear she doesn’t like a serious part of me. 

    How long has it been since the fight? 

    About three years. Almost four. We’ve had situations where we’ve had to talk because of assignments, but it wasn’t like how it was before, and I don’t think we’d ever get there again. 

    What if she apologised? 

    I don’t know. I’d have to be sure there’s actual changed behaviour. We’ve apologised to each other a lot of times in the past, and still gone back to doing the things we didn’t like. I’d have to know she’s changed, and if she has? I’d probably cry. I’ve missed her and her smile. 

    Have you considered apologising? 

    Yes, the first few weeks I spent without her was miserable, but if I didn’t apologise then, I wouldn’t now. She stood her ground and made her choice. I did the same. I won’t apologise to someone for their own homophobia. 

    Do you think anything good came out of the ship sinking?

    I definitely do. Cutting her off was what I needed to help me figure myself out, in a space with no judgement and condescension. I’m a queer woman, and that’s not a bad thing. It’s also definitely not something I’d stop being because someone doesn’t like it. I’ll be queer till the day I die, and that’s just how it is. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because of My Childishness

  • These 7 Nigerian Movies Will Raise Your Standards for Love

    These 7 Nigerian Movies Will Raise Your Standards for Love

    Have you ever watched a romantic film with the relationship of your dreams and it suddenly clicked that you deserve more, or that your expectations aren’t too high? I picked seven Nigerian movies that will make you raise your standards for love.

    Isoken

     Isoken remained single at 34 in a Nigerian household, and when she finally falls in love, it is with a white man. Anyone willing to overcome their family and parents’ conventional beliefs to be with you is definitely a green flag.

    RELATED: Love Life: Our Parents Are Worried We’ll Divorce

    Namaste Wahala

    Do you realise how brave you must be to recognise that your Igbo and Indian parents act irrationally when it comes to marriage, and then try to go against them? You may have a death wish, but there is nothing more romantic than defying your parents’ desires for the sake of love. 

    The Royal Hibiscus Hotel

    If a man doesn’t come to buy my family’s legacy hotel, fall in love with me in a week, plan the most elaborate date and then buy said hotel just to give it back, I don’t want. Watching this movie will remind you that Nigerian men can be romantic, and maybe it’s time to dump that guy in your dms who texts you once in three days.

    Flower Girl

    Nothing is cuter than a woman trying to reinvent herself for a dumb man with the help of a friend and then falling in love with herself. But that isn’t why we’re here. Do you realise how hopelessly in love you must be to have a daughter like the protagonist Dami? Her parents stole the show with how adorable their relationship was. They were both nosy about their daughter’s love life. They bullied each other like friends and made me feel like you could hack this love thing if you just marry your best friend. 

    The Wedding Party

    Never mind Dunni and Dozie’s snooze fest of a love story; instead, focus on Dunni’s parents’ connection instead of. A Nigerian woman who didn’t kill her husband for making them impoverished again, a man who supports all of his wife’s rights and wrongs, and parents who were willing to call off the wedding at any time for their child? Come on. I don’t care for the part where they started from the bottom and are now at the top, but look at Dunni’s and Dozie’s parents and tell me why these guys shouldn’t be the standard.

    Blood Sisters

    I know that this movie isn’t about romance but hear me out: Yinka and Femi. That’s it. Were they extraordinarily foolish and good at making bad decisions? Yes, but at least they made it together as a couple. And how often do we see couples in films who are that devoted to one another? If they don’t raise your standards, they’ll at least increase your expectations for how much sex a married couple should have.

    Telling my kid’s that this is Romeo and Juliet.

    Knocking on Heaven’s Door

    How many men would be willing to fight spiritual and physical battles to get you? Not a lot tbh and I don’t blame them.  It was one thing for Majid Michel’s character to fight his addiction and get clean so that Adesuwa might give him a chance, but when he was ready to fight the church for her sake? Yessss! Have you ever had to fight people in a Nigerian church? is that not true love?

    RELATED: 11 Quizzes That Will Help You Figure Out Your Love Life

  • The 9 Things We Don’t Like About Being in Relationships

    The 9 Things We Don’t Like About Being in Relationships

    Romantic relationships are great, and romance is sweet. But let’s not lie, there are some things that we don’t like about dating; let’speak the truth and shame the devil. Anyway, if you won’t say it, I will, and I know you’ll agree with me. These are nine things that happen in relationships that we don’t like. 

    Relationship weight 

    If you haven’t gained relationship weight, then you’re a lucky bastard (or an unlucky one, if it’s the type of thing you like). Relationship weight is what you gain just from dating someone and being happy. It doesn’t only happen because your partner consistently buys you food and feeds you like you’d been starving before you met them. It just happens when you find a partner that brings you peace. 

    Relationship weight is the hardest type of weight to lose. I’ve added 4kg since I entered my relationship. The Lord is my strength. 

    Relationship money 

    As a single person living in Nigeria, money leaves your account with each breath you take. You’ll now go and join yourself with another adult? God abeg. I was looking at my bank statement last week because I needed to know how my money finished. And I saw that most of my debits came from relationship-related expenses. I couldn’t even cry because na me wan love. 

    Having to consider your partner when making important decisions 

    This one takes a bit of adjustment. As a single person, you can make certain bold decisions on your own. But when you start doing relationship, you’ll have to consider your partner because most of your decisions will affect them too. 

    ALSO READ:  8 Things No-one Really Tells You About Love and Relationships

    Fights

    Fighting with your partner can ruin your whole mood throughout the duration of the fight. It’s so annoying how it can distabilise you and affect areas of your life. You’ll check your phone ten million billion times a day just to see if there’s a message from them. If the fight is really bad, you won’t even know when you begin to transfer aggression to people around you. 

    Having to be humble and apologise 

    For some people, apologising is a piece of cake. For others, it’s a big struggle. Having to humble yourself, admit you’re wrong and apologise to your partner will bruise your pride, even if you don’t want to admit it. I had to say sorry to my ex once after a fight, where I was in the wrong, and I promise you, I almost wanted to vomit. Love will humble you. SMH.

    Consistently worrying about someone

    Nobody warns you about how much you’ll worry about a partner you really care about. From the moment they step out of the house until they get back in, you’re thinking about their safety, praying that nothing happens to them. The sentence, “Text me when you get to…,” is not for fancy. 

    You’ll also be also worried about their eating habits, their living conditions, their work stress, family stress etc. Exhausting.

    Stealing clothes 

    Your partner taking your clothes is all sweet and cute till they take your favourite shirt that you’ve had for years and you only wear on special occasions. Now you’re upset. It’s as if once you enter a relationship, your clothes are no longer yours and you have no say in how many are taken. Who made that rule, please? 

    RELATED: Why Women Need to Stop Stealing Their Men’s Clothes

    Missing your partner 

    Honestly, missing your partner can be emotionally exhausting. You’ll just be on your own, and suddenly you’re yearning for the person that has your mumu button. I hate that feeling in your chest you get when you haven’t seen or spoken to your significant other.

    Forgiving your partner

    Sometimes your partner will do something foolish that’ll piss you off, and all you want to do is block them and never talk to them again. But you can’t do that, because love, and you sef won’t survive it.

    ALSO READ: 8 Signs You Are Now in a Serious Nigerian Relationship

  • 6 Proven Ways to Find Love as a Couch Potato

    6 Proven Ways to Find Love as a Couch Potato

    Couch potatoes like me have an interesting relationship with our houses, beds and couches, and it’s not because the outside world is too uncomfortable; no, we just prefer those places. 

    The problem with being a couch potato is that there’s no spice. We don’t go out enough and if we’re single, we can’t claim to be in the “streets”. But unwilling as we are to go outside, we do want to be touched and loved by someone who can talk back to us and hold us at night,

    So how can break up with our couches and find love? 

    Here are a few proven ways to do it, tested and trusted.

    Wake up every morning and shout, “My partner!” three times into your bathroom mirror 

    This works, I can’t lie. One day, your partner will appear to you in the mirror and find a place in your life. Also, standing in the mirror will make you love yourself more than you already did before, and it’s going to make your partner love you with ease. 

    RELATED: 7 Reasons Why You’ll Continue Saying “God When”

    Put up a banner that says “I need a life partner” on your gate

    For better exposure, place copies around your estate and your car too. You need the ad to reach the desired party. Putting it on your car won’t help sha because you hardly ever drive it out. But you can beg your outdoorsy neighbours and friends to put it on their cars on your behalf. 

    Get on dating apps

    The problem with dating apps is the number of how-are-yous you’ll answer in one day. To save time, I’ll advise you prepare a spreadsheet including all your information so you can send it out to each match Let them read through and decide whether or not they’re moving on with you. 

    RELATED: 10 Types of Guys You’ll Find on Dating Apps

    Use your social media more

    Yeah, I know, you want to be on Twitter sharing your random thoughts and only use your Instagram once in a blue moon — and that’s fine. But you need to optimize your accounts to find love. 

    Tell your friends to tell their friends about you

    I’m sure there’s someone in your friend’s friendship circle that matches your taste, and they’ve not told them about you yet. O wrong nau. You aren’t outside doesn’t mean you’re not on the streets too. Or do your friends want you to be single for the rest of your life?

    Take pottery classes 

    When push comes to shove, you will have to mould your partner and breathe life into them. The partner you mould for yourself is definitely going to be better than the one you find on the road or any other methods you try. Moulding your ideal partner by yourself isn’t the only benefit, as you can also make as many as you like with different specs. Oh, spicy! 

    ALSO READ: 11 Quick Ways to End a Talking Stage That Isn’t Going Anywhere


    Zikoko has launched a new series where we explore those friendships, familial and romantic relationships that are no longer sailing.

  • How to Know When You’re Being Breadcrumbed

    How to Know When You’re Being Breadcrumbed

    Sometime last year, I talked with my friend about someone I’d been doing talking stage with and told her in detail what had been going on. She said, “This person seems to be breadcrumbing you”. That was the first time I heard the word; I had to find the meaning. 

    In simple terms, Breadcrumbing means giving just enough attention and affection to someone who cares about you to keep them interested. People who breadcrumb want the receivers of their breadcrumbs to stay stuck on them; they like to be in control while doing the bare minimum. 

    I’m no relationship expert. However, I’ve been a victim of breadcrumbing more times than I’m willing to admit. Now I know the signs to look for when talking to someone new and how to avoid being strung along. 

    Inconsistency

    Inconsistency is one of the most apparent signs of breadcrumbing. Breadcrumbers are usually inconsistent with their time and how much attention they give to you. They disappear and reappear with a reason why they’d been absent. The reason is always good enough to keep you interested and forgive their inconsistency. 

    Sometimes, you believe they had a good reason for their inconsistency and count down to their return. It’s not because you don’t know better; you just think they’ll be back, and their words to you are valid. But alas.

    Not following through with plans

    We all know that you make time for what you care about, and although a breadcrumber has told you in several ways that they care about you, they usually find it challenging to create time to prove it. They entertain the idea of seeing you without acting, following through or and showing up to the date location. There’s no one busier than a breadcrumber on the day you’re to spend time with them. 

    Fancy reassuring words without action

    Although it’s expected that breadcrumbing and gaslighting will be two peas in a pod, that’s not usually the case. A breadcrumber won’t attempt to alter your reality, but they’ll reassure you about their feelings and intention even when they’re lying. They tell you what you need to hear and remind you about their “feelings” for you. Their reassurances aren’t always laced with lies; sometimes, they also believe what they’re saying. The issue with the reassurance you get is it is only words and no action to back them up. 

    Poor communication

    We already stated that breadcrumbers do the bare minimum. They share little information and communicate erratically. Most of their communication with you will be in small doses. Even when sharing about themselves, they may share very few details about their life. 

    Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because of My Childishness

    Reaching out when they feel the most vulnerable

    Anyone who’s breadcrumbing you will most likely reach out when they feel lonely or vulnerable. They can call you on a lonely night when their words flow nicely, and all they say can be interpreted as interest. Their words are most believable when they feel say them with vulnerability.

    ALSO READ: How to Be a Good Friend As an Adult With a Busy Life

  • How Much Do Nigerian Women Need to Earn Before Getting Married?

    How Much Do Nigerian Women Need to Earn Before Getting Married?

    I read the article about Nigerian men and how much they want to earn before they get married. This inspired me to ask Nigerian women the same question. This is what the six women I asked had to say. 

    “I don’t want to depend on someone else for basic things.”

    — Sandra*, 24

    I have to earn at least ₦1m per month, that’s the least amount. I don’t want to start off struggling in my marriage. Life is hard, but money makes it easier. Also, I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to depend on someone else for basic things. No matter what men say, I think it leads to resentment. I’ve seen the older generation of women ask for money for things like gas and groceries, and I think it’s because they don’t earn enough. I just want a soft life, the bedrock of which is money, kudi, ego, you get me?

    “I don’t think it’s okay to earn less than ₦500k because you’ll eventually bring children into this world.”

    — Chiamaka*, 24

    I have to earn at least ₦500k – ₦600k after taxes and deductions. There are women who earn less than this and get married, and I sincerely wish them the best, but I don’t think it’s okay to earn less than ₦500k because you’ll eventually bring children into this world, and they are expensive. You don’t want them to suffer. Also, the cost of living is high, and the country as a whole is hard. If you’re not earning enough, don’t get married.

    “I should have ₦10m in savings, or the dollar equivalent.”

    — Yinka*, 23

    I don’t want to earn less than ₦500k. I’m not sure it’s realistic with the way Nigeria is today, but that’s what I’d like to earn before I get married, hopefully, in the next two years, and I know that on my career path as a lawyer, I won’t have achieved a senior role by that time, so that’s most likely what I’d be earning. I also want to have a side business to support my earnings. I should have ₦10m in savings, or the dollar equivalent — since it seems safer to save in foreign currency with the alarming inflation rate in the country. That amount in savings won’t be hard for me to get because I’ve been saving money since I was in secondary school. I’m sure I’ll even pass that amount by the time I’m ready to get married.

    RELATED: How Much Do Nigerian Men Need to Earn Before Getting Married?

    “I need to have enough money to take care of myself and my household too.”

    — Tamara*, 33

    I’m not suffering in my mother’s house, so I can’t go to my “marital home”  to suffer. Monthly, I have to earn at least ₦400k – ₦500k, and my savings cannot be less than ₦5 – 6m. 

    The major reason why people divorce, apart from infidelity, is financial issues. Two people coming together as one means they should combine their efforts to build a family. I need to have enough money to take care of myself and my household too. Also, anything can happen. For example, my husband could lose his job (God forbid). There has to be another source of income to fall back on. I’d also want to send a regular allowance to our parents and live a soft girl life too.

    African descent checking her wallet

    “For the married life I’ve always envisioned, an upgrade to €70,000 and above will do it.”

    — Kemi*, 25

    I currently earn over €40,000 a year. For the married life I’ve always envisioned, an upgrade to €70,000 or above will do it. I want to live the softest possible life. Nothing extravagant or ridiculous, but the best we can both afford. I want to have a luxury apartment in a good neighbourhood, and a good car. Not necessarily luxury cars like Porsche or Benz, but not cars from 2002 either. I want to be able to afford the best possible life for our future kids as well.

    “I’m a simple person. I don’t ask for much.”

    — Mariam*, 25

    I want to earn at least ₦250k – ₦300k monthly and have at least ₦1m in savings. I’m a simple person. I don’t ask for much, and I believe in growing with my partner financially. As long as my career grows and my salary increases over time, I’m good. 

    *Names have been changed for anonymity.

    ALSO READ: 6 Nigerian Women Share The Best Thing About Being Married

  • Pros and Cons of Being in a Monogamous Relationship

    Pros and Cons of Being in a Monogamous Relationship

    Everyone talks about monogamous relationships as if they’re the best type of relationships. But are they, really? Let’s look at the pros and cons.

    Pro: Intimacy 

    You’ll have a deep personal connection with just one person, and all your time and attention will go to them. All the love and sweet romance will be shared between you two and you two alone.

    Con: Potential frustration 

    The same way the romance will be between two of you is the same way the fights will be between you. At least in a non-monogamous relationship, if one partner annoys you, you’ll just go and cuddle with another partner to feel better. 

    Pro:  You don’t have to worry about your partner getting jealous about your other partner

    If you’re in a non-monogamous relationship, there’s a chance you may get jealous about someone else your partner is dating. Or you may have a partner who’ll get jealous of someone you’re dating. You’ll tell your partner that you’re having dinner with Tunde the tech bro and and your KPMG boyfriend will now start squeezing face. 

    Con: Boredom

    One person for the rest of your life??? Omo, you’ll get so used to them. In a non-monogamous relationship, you can have different experiences with multiple partners and experience different types of personalities, both those that are normal and those that are mad. You’ll never be bored. 

    Pro: You’ll only have to share your food with one person

    You’ll only have to share your chickwizz with one person. If this isn’t a major pro, I don’t know what is. Can you imagine having to share the food you’re already managing with multiple partners?

    Con: Your food may still finish

    Just because you’ll be sharing food with one person doesn’t mean that your food won’t finish o. Also, in a monogamous relationship, you’ll miss the chance of having multiple people cook for you or buy you food.

    RELATED: The Pros and Cons of Being in The Streets 

    Pro: You’ll save money

    Everybody knows that relationships cost money. But at least, in a monogamous relationship, you’ll only be spending money on one partner. Although we need to also mention that that one partner can finish all your money sha, so it’s dicey. 

    Con: You’ll only be receiving gifts from one person

    Just as you’ll be spending money on only one person, you’ll also receive gifts from only one person. You’ll miss the chance of receiving a PS5 as a gift from one partner and new pair of shoes from your second partner. Can’t eat your cake and have it, my dear.

    Pro: Maximum of one heartbreak at a time

    In a monogamous relationship, only one person will serve you breakfast. You’ll cry and eventually move on. But imagine if all the people you’re dating break up with you around the same time. Where do you want to start from??

    Con: Deeper Heart break

    If your sole partner serves you breakfast, you go feel am, and you’ll be single and alone again. If it were in a non-monogamous relationship and one partner broke up with you, you might have another partner to console you. 

     RELATED: These Nigerian Heartbreak Stories Will Make You Rethink Your Relationship

    Pro: Only one person will stress you

    Only one person will call you in the middle of the night to rant about how a co-worker annoyed them. Only one person will stress you out with mood swings or will get upset over missed calls or late text replies. 

    Con: Sexual enjoyment may be limited

    You may end up dating someone who you truly love but the person may not be able to match up to your libido or may not be willing to explore your sexual kinks. What do you then do? In non-monogamous relationships you have the opportunity to try out different sexual things with different partners.

    ALSO READ: 6 Nigerians Talk About Their Experience With Open Relationships 

  • If You Want To Date A 30+ Man, These Are the Pros and Cons

    If You Want To Date A 30+ Man, These Are the Pros and Cons

    Everybody complains about 30+ men, yet so many people are also dating them. Why dis? I’ve decided to take it upon myself to do the research and find out the pros and cons of dating these old young men. 

    Pro: They’re more mature 

    I know that maturity ≠ age (trust me, I learnt that the hard way). But most of the time, 30+ men are more mature and more put together. Many of them kuku don’t even have the time — or energy — to play childish dating games. They’re quite straightforward and mature when it comes to communication and handling certain situations.

    Con: They’ll belittle your struggle and achievements 

    You’ll be upset or sad about something, and your dear 30+ boyfriend will be looking at you somehow, wondering why you’re upset about something so “little”. You can’t complain about work or about the things that annoy you to him because they seem so trivial in his eyes. He’ll either tell you that when you get older, these problems won’t matter or that there are bigger problems at hand. God o!

    Pro: They have more experience 

    Because he’s been on this earth for many, many years, he’s experienced quite a few things, good and bad. That means if you’re having a problem or you need help or advice, he’ll be able to help you or connect you with people that can help you. 

    Con: They’ll use your age to insult you many times 

    “You’re too young, you won’t understand” is something you’ll hear from your 30+ man so often  you’ll want to punch him in the throat. Any small thing, he’ll be using your age to insult you. He’ll tell you that when you’re older, you’ll understand. Understand what, ehn, arugbo ojo? I don’t know why 30+ men like to feel like they’re the oldest and most experienced group of people. Only three decades that they’ve been on this earth o! 

    RELATED: The Pros and Cons of Being in The Streets 

    Pro: They have money

    They’ve been working for much longer than my GenZ happening babes, so it is more likely that they have plenty money and investments. 

    Con: They’re no fun 

    They rarely ever want to go out or do any activity that involves too much movement. Their own idea of fun is watching their favourite TV series while eating in bed. Best in back ache. God help you, you now mention going to an event at  past 8 p.m. and they’ll almost want to cry. You want to keep them out past their bedtime? They’ll fight you. 

    Pro:  They won’t break up with you

    30+ men don’t have the strength to be in the streets. Do you think they want to be asking people their favourite foods and colours in this their old age? That’s why the moment they start dating someone, it takes a lot before they break up. If you like, come with all the wickedness in the world, they’ll date you like that. 

    Con: You come from two different eras so you may not be able to relate to them

    There’s a chance that both of you won’t be able to relate to a lot of things in regards to pop culture. (except you’re both interested in these types of things). I have a 30+ friend who just discovered that Skepta and Stormzy are two different people, and I’m still ashamed on his behalf. The worst part is when your 30+ man can’t understand GenZ slangs. You’ll text him, “I don’t think that’s right imo,” and he’ll be wondering what Imo state has to do with the topic you’re discussing. 

    RELATED:  10 Things Nigerian Women Want Nigerian Men to Know 

    Pro: They’ll get along with your parents

    Simply because he’s closer to their age (I said what I said) , and they may share similar interests. 

    Con: They’re always tired 

    30+ men get tired easily. They never have energy for anything. All they want to do is rest. They can’t even stand or sit up for too long; their backs will start aching. This can also be a pro sha, because it means they also won’t have the strength for fights. If they notice any potential couple fight brewing, they’ll quickly apologise. 

    Pro: They want to marry early

    If you’re someone who’s looking to get married in the next two to three years of your life, you should date a 30+ man, especially the ones that are edging closer to 40 and feel like the next big step for them is to get married.  

    Con: They want to marry early

    Then again, if you’re someone who isn’t ready to get married anytime soon, don’t let your eyes look in the direction of a 30+ man. Because they may not understand why you aren’t ready for marriage when they are ready. 

    ALSO READ:  9 Nigerian Women Talk About Dating Men vs Dating Women

  • 6 Nigerians on the Biggest Fights They’ve Had With Friends

    6 Nigerians on the Biggest Fights They’ve Had With Friends

    Nobody enjoys fighting with their friends, but conflicts are bound to happen. We asked these six Nigerians about the biggest fights they’ve had with their friends, and here’s what they had to say. 

    “She made fun of my mental health”

    A friend’s friend saw a picture of me and liked me, so he asked her to introduce us, which she did. When we started talking, he constantly emotionally and verbally abused me, and whenever I blocked him, she came back to beg me that he had changed. Because I didn’t want to lose her as a friend, I accepted him back. 

    One day, I was going through my WhatsApp stories on my second phone and I saw a post of her making fun of my mental health with her friends. She had blocked my main number and forgotten to block the second one. Seeing that made me cry.

    When I confronted her, she blocked me because she didn’t want any bad vibes. That was the end of the friendship. A few months after, she messaged me to say she wants to make peace. Apparently, her pastor told her not to hold grudges. I didn’t answer her. 

    Cynthia 

    “I couldn’t eat for a week” 

    Last year, one foolish boy raped one of my acquaintances. My friends and I were super pissed and trauma-bonding when one of them mentioned that a guy said something like, “Why won’t they rape her when she’s wearing that kind of dress?.” I get that she was annoyed, but then she proceeded to say that they’ll rape the guy’s mother and sister too.  

    I was so triggered. I started crying and shaking. She couldn’t just say something like that.  To her, if he could say that about someone, then she could also say it about his female family. It escalated and we were yelling in the hostel. We were pointing at each other and shouting.  We didn’t talk for a week after that, and I didn’t eat at all. I can’t eat when I’m sad. 

    Jasmine

    “She slept with my girlfriend” 

    My first relationship was long-distance. The babe and I were in different universities in different states. I had this female friend who stayed very close to my girlfriend’s house. She’d help with plan surprises and gifts as well as help me make sure my girlfriend was well taken care of. 

    Somewhere along the line, I found out that when I asked her to help me take care of my girlfriend, she took her job too seriously. She was sleeping with my girlfriend and when I confronted her about it, she said, “Would you rather it was someone outside?” I blocked both her and the girlfriend and last I heard from them, they were dating. 

    John 

    RELATED: 6 Unmissable Signs You’re the Side Guy

    “I didn’t help her how she needed” 

    My friend had a very stressful exam week. When she   wrote one exam and it didn’t go how she wanted, she drove directly to me to share that with me. Instead of asking her what she needed from me, I immediately tried finding solutions to the problem and she did not like that at all. She put up with it for a bit before telling me to get out of her car and then she drove off. I was confused for a hot minute because this person is one of my closest friends. 

    After she cooled down, she sent me a message telling me why she was angry, but also apologised for her reaction. I apologised too for not understanding what she needed and we worked out how to approach it next time. She’s my ride or die. 

    Vanessa 

    “He cheated on my sister”

    My younger sister is basically the only family I have left. She means the world to me and all my friends know that. She lived at my place and I acted like a stereotypical older brother, but everyone has come to make their peace with it. I had this friend who came over often. We’d play games and just chill. I noticed that whenever he came around, my sister would try to dress nicer or just find an excuse to be with us in the room. When I asked her about it, she told me it was nothing. Fast forward two months and I find out they’re dating. I was upset they didn’t mention it to me, but my sister was 20 and this guy was a cool guy. I didn’t have any reason to believe he’d do rubbish. They even moved in together after a while and my sister seemed happy. 

    A year and some months after they started dating, my sister called me one random day to tell me to come to pick her up from his place. Turns out he had been cheating on her for a while. After I dropped her off at my house, I went back to his place to give him a piece of my mind. We fought and I made sure I left him with some bruises. When I got home, I cut off all communication with him. You don’t make my family cry and think we can still be friends. 

    Kunle 

    RELATED: 9 Nigerian Men Reveal Their Definition of Cheating in a Relationship 

    “He applied for the job I wanted and got it”

    My friend and I got into a fight when he applied for my dream job. I had been mentioning to him that it was a place I saw myself working for a long time as well as growing in my field. 

    When they announced they were hiring, I told him I was going to apply and he kept encouraging me to. We even reviewed my CV and prepared my points for the interview together. When the interview was done, he was the first person I called to tell about it. Unfortunately, the company emailed to tell me that I wasn’t being selected for the position. I was so sad. He called constantly to check up on me and even sent me lunch. 

    About two months later, a mutual friend texted me to tell me congratulations concerning my best friend’s new job. Apparently, he had been posting about working at the company I wanted and blocked me from viewing the story on Whatsapp. When I confronted him, he told me he needed the money, and didn’t plan to hurt me. I told him he lied and that if he could do that to me, he could kill me. It’s been three years since it happened, and we’ve not been able to talk since then. 

    Amanda

    [donation]

  • How to Successfully Seduce the Person of Your Dreams

    How to Successfully Seduce the Person of Your Dreams

    Seduction 101 class is now in session. In eight unstoppable ways, we’re going to teach you how to seduce the person you can’t stop thinking about. The steps are simple and very easy to follow, so let’s go. 

    1. Chew your lips when you’re around them

    We said chew, not bite. Chew your lips as if you’re chewing ponmo. This is to hint the person that you’re going to chew their lips the same way. All that’ll be on their mind when they leave you is how they look forward to being chewed romantically. 

    2. Moonwalk like Michael Jackson

    The moonwalk should be your regular walk. Do you know how that moonwalk always turned heads? That’s how it’s going to turn the head of your crush and immediately seduce them. The glide in your steps will guide you to their heart.

    Moonwalk GIFs | Tenor

    3. Walk with your hands to the back

    Always walk like you’re adjusting your oversize blazer/coat. If you can’t do the moonwalk, this move is much easier to execute. Your hand to your back means you’ll always have their back. Any wise person will know that that’s the best kind of assurance. 

    4. Blink like there’s something in your eyes

    The regular wink is old, boring and overused. Blink like there’s something in your eyes so they can walk over to help you take it out. Then make eye contact and make sure they see the future in your eyes. The future in which both of you live together happily ever after. 

    5. Put your hands in your mouth when talking to them

    All five fingers. If you want to take it up a notch, put all ten fingers into your mouth. Let them know what that mouth does. You’re either going to be remembered as a successful throat goat or a tongue champion. You’ll sha be remembered. An act like that is impossible to forget. 

    6. Run away when you see them

    Let them chase you till they run into your heart. Run really fast like your enemies are after you. Even if they’d never thought about you before then, they’ll remember you for running like Usain Bolt and they’ll yearn to know you better until they finally fall in love with you. 

    7. Make a playlist for their partner

    You know how partners share things between themselves? Yep, make a playlist for your love interest’s partner. They’re going to listen to the playlist with them and know how thoughtful you are, how great your taste in music is and come looking for you. If you’re lucky sef, both partners will open their relationship for you. 

    8,676 Couple Listening To Music Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free  Images - iStock

    8. Sprinkle holy water on them

    This is the American equivalent of spilling a drink on someone. Sha make sure you’re with holy water, not normal water. The holy water is going to do all the work for you. Just ensure you spill it on their chest, very close to where their heart is located, and they’ll fall for you. 

  • 6 Supernatural Ways to Break the Demonic Hold of a Nigerian Man

    6 Supernatural Ways to Break the Demonic Hold of a Nigerian Man

    Yes, we know we’ve said it before that Nigerian men are the sweetest and we’ve even told you why you have to date them. But in this article, we’re going to tell you how to break free from the demonic hold of Nigerian men. 

    1. Break an egg

    That egg represents your relationship with him. Break the egg and blend the shells so they’ll be nothing left of the egg and the relationship.

    2. Become a demon

    If you can’t beat them, join them. Both of you are going to fight till the finish for who can be more demonic. Make sure you win the fight sha because we can’t tell you what’s going to happen if you don’t win. 

    3. Jump whenever you’re around him

    They can’t hold you down if you’re always jumping. It’s a good workout for both of you even if they try to catch you and hold you. By the time you’re done jumping around him, you’d have enough experience to join the Nigerian long jump team at the next Olympics.

    4. Meet a Nigerian woman

    There’s a chance you might be going from frying pan to fire, but you’ll sha be free from the demonic hold of that man that has been stressing your life. The demonic hold of a Nigerian woman is a different ball game. Good luck in advance. 

    5. Ask an Igbo woman for help

    This is a better option for you if women aren’t your cup of tea. An Igbo woman is going to have better solutions for you than anything we can provide for you. You’ll be back to your senses after having a conversation with her. 

    After God, fear Igbo women

    6. Break whatever connects him to you

    It could be your house, the road to your house or your phone. Break anything that connects both of you. Make sure he has no way to reach or find you. If you can find his heart too, make sure you break it. 

    This Extreme Trick Lets You Salvage the LCD from Your Broken Phone Screen «  Smartphones :: Gadget Hacks
  • Dear Millennials, for Your Own Sake, Don’t Date People With These Jobs

    Dear Millennials, for Your Own Sake, Don’t Date People With These Jobs

    With the sad state of the Nigerian dating scene, you may simply just be grateful to find a partner who has a job. But as a fellow millennial who’s been there, done that and has dated all sorts of people in different professions, I’m here to save you stress and alert you to the red flags. No need to thank me; it’s for the culture

    1. TikTok Creators 

    TikTok content creators will just frustrate your life, either by playing useless pranks on you for the sake of content or making you do annoying challenges. The country is already stressful enough please. 

    2. Tech People

    Do you want to be with someone that is emotionally unavailable? Tech people only have enough emotional availability for all of their codes and software; anything more is excessive. And at your big age, you can’t be fighting for love and attention.

    3. Bloggers 

    Bloggers will use any chance they get to create content for their page. Imagine going on a date with a food blogger and they bring out a mini ring light at a restaurant just to create food content. No please. 

    4. Architects

    You want to date an architect in this country? Who doesn’t know that Nigerian architects don’t have money? The last thing you want as a millennial is to be with somebody whose career hasn’t taken off yet. If you want to date an architect, be sure that they are retired and in their 60s. 

    5. Writers 

    You wake up one day to find out your whole life has been turned into a novel simply because your partner found your story as interesting material. You can’t just gist your partner about things happening in your life because they’ll use it as material. God please abeg. 

    6. Musicians 

    This will be a big problem if you end up dating someone who makes trash music. Because you’ll have to pretend to like it and even promote it. God forbid.

    7. Police 

    Do we really need to explain this one? Nobody should date any member of the Nigerian police force. It’s not even about the fact that their job is dangerous. It’s about the fact that you’d likely be dating someone who is involved in daily bribery and corruption.  Everyday they’ll be dragging your partner’s profession on the internet for one atrocious act or the other.

    8. Therapists

     If you date a therapist, you’re using your own eyes and legs to look for stress. Therapists will psychoanalyse everything you do and say. You can’t just be sad or upset around your partner without them naming several disorders according to your symptoms. Which kind wahala be that? 

  • How 6 African Atheists Are Navigating Relationships With Religious Partners

    How 6 African Atheists Are Navigating Relationships With Religious Partners

    Does love really conquer all? What’s it like for an atheist to date a religious person in Africa? These six African atheists share how they have navigated their relationships with religious partners.

    African Atheists

    1. Adilah*, Namibian

    I dated a Christian woman and we made a rule at the beginning of relationships to quickly quench heated debates. But we’re not robots, so once or twice, we almost had really hectic theological debates. But we managed not to let them snowball. When we were first getting to know each other, I asked her how she saw us ever working out, considering how very strongly atheist I am, and how very strongly religious she was. I promised to drop her off at church every Saturday (she’s Seventh Day Adventist) and pick her up after. She thought it was very sweet. If she sneezed, I’d say, “God bless you,” not because I believed in this God that must bless her, or because it’s just what people say, but because she believed. When I was going through stuff, she would tell me, “I know you’ll be fine, because I pray for you to the God you don’t believe in.” Despite my nonexistent faith in God, I would be grateful.

    2. Idaraesit, Nigerian

    There’s no law that says atheists can’t date religious people, but it’s very weird to me. I didn’t use to care about religion before — because I don’t believe in it, obviously. But growing older, I now prefer not to date religious people, especially the ones who staunchly believe in hellfire. I once fell for a beautiful woman who was deeply religious but she kept on invalidating my worth just because I didn’t believe in her god. It messed with my self-esteem so much and it was hard to move on. 

    Later, I dated non-dogmatic Christians who don’t think hell exists and those who don’t go to church. These relationships were a little better but they still got weird at some point. I really hope my next relationship will be with an atheist because I feel that if I and my partner are on the same page in terms of religious beliefs, we may last longer.

    3. Rita*, Zimbabwean

    I prefer to date atheists as it’s better not to have someone trying to convert me or praying for my soul to be saved. But we’re in Africa and my primary target audience is small. So I typically have to make do with what I get. My last relationship was with a Nigerian Muslim guy while I was living in Cape Town — the first Muslim I ever dated and it lasted less than a month. We were fucking like rabbits but he still thought he was better than me because I don’t subscribe to Islam.

    4. Fundiswa*, South African

    My boyfriend and I are super together. His family loves me and everyone thinks no couple could be more perfect. I’d like to marry him but she’s a devout Christian, and I don’t believe in God at all. He has the purest heart I have ever seen but doesn’t think my heart can be truly pure unless I convert to Christianity. 

    It didn’t use to be a problem and we dated for two years, but now that we’re thinking of the next step, I’m considering if I should just convert for the sake of it. I don’t think religion should stand in the way of our love. But then again, I won’t mean it and I wonder if he’ll see through my insincerity. I have never been more stressed. But one thing I’m sure of is that I don’t want to lose him.

    5. Kwame*, Ghanaian

    I’m an agnostic engaged to a Muslim but she’s not pious. I don’t know how, but I’ve started to be more open-minded about her faith. I used to love watching her pray, Then one day I joined her and it felt so peaceful, like Yoga, but even more comforting. Since then, I’ve prayed with her whenever I can, even when we’re not in the same location. She calls me and tells me she’s about to pray and I stop what I’m doing to join in. I’ve even started learning Jumat prayers little by little. and even though I don’t believe in her religion. 

    I still have my reservations about meeting her family, and I don’t know where this road leads, but as long as she’s in my life, I want to experience every bit of her.

    6. Femi, Nigerian

    I’m nonreligious and my bae is Christian. My last two relationships before this one were largely the same — they were hypocrites. They committed all the sins in the Bible but drew the line because I didn’t believe in their god. But my current significant other is more of a liberal Christian.

    I feel like I’ve influenced my current partner religiously more than she’s influenced me sha. She doesn’t go to church as much as she used to, nor does she pray as regularly as before. I wake up and narcissistically thank myself for existing, so that’s not good. Anyhoo, we’ve been going strong for two years and one month and it’s been my best relationship in forever. Religion has never been a problem for us.

  • 8 Things Men are Actually Doing When You Think They’re Out Cheating

    8 Things Men are Actually Doing When You Think They’re Out Cheating

    From praying for you, his future partner at the midnight hour to thinking about the next Tik Tok challenge, these are the things men do when you think they’re cheating – evidence sourced by real research.

    1. He’s with his mechanic 

    Is there ever a time when a man is not fighting with his mechanic? Just as soon as he finishes dealing with one car trouble, another one shows up. So in case you think he’s cheating, no he isn’t. He’s actually fighting with Tunde about his missing carburetor.

    2. Practising TikTok challenges with his friends

    If you think women love Tik Tok challenges, men love them more. Have you seen the Kupe boys? Your man is definitely somewhere with his friends, shirtless and recording himself busting moves.

    3. Recording podcasts

    If there’s one thing men love to do, it’s sit down and record podcasts where they talk about how the types of women from their grandmothers’ time no longer exist. Honestly, for this one, we think it’s better if he just cheated.

    4. Being an alibi for cheating

    He’s not cheating. He’s just out there lying for his buddy who’s actually cheating. Don’t you just love a supportive friend? 

    5. He’s selflessly helping people at his gym. 

    He doesn’t like to see an unfinished workout routine. He’s correcting the form of a young person at the gym who’s “struggling” to do stretches.

    6. Offering rides to helpless strangers

    Don’t worry, he’s only being a good Nigerian citizen and picking up strangers that need to get to work on time.

    7. In bed with someone else

    He’s just showing them a couple of moves that they can use for their partner, that’s all.

    8. Cheating 

    Because men will always cheat, don’t ever assume otherwise. 

  • 8 Things to Do When Your Lover Has Enemies

    8 Things to Do When Your Lover Has Enemies

    Is your lover in a bit of a situation? Are their enemies chasing them left, right and centre and you don’t know what to do? Worry no more, we’re here to help. 

    Here’s a list of things to do when your lover has enemies.

    1. Relocate

    They’re the ones with enemies, not you. Better relocate before the enemies find a way to your house and collect what’s not lost from sorry. Apologies to your lover o, but long-distance relationships still work

    2. Send the name of their haters to your Babalawo

    The situation is bigger than you and your lover. Take the names of their enemies to Babalawo, let the Babalawo do whatever needs to be done to set your lover free. 

    3. Send 100k to their enemies 

    We didn’t say 100k money o, it can be 100k stones or 100k cotton wool, that’s up to you to decide. Send them 100k pieces of anything that’s not money. That would be more than enough to keep busy and take their attention off the person you love. 

    4. Become your lovers enemy 

    Love is sweeter when you’re chasing someone. If you become your lover’s enemy, you’ll be on their mind 24/7 the same way they keep thinking about their other enemies. 

    5. Break up with them 

    You have no business frolicking with someone with enemies. Break up with them for your peace of mind. Let them go and deal with their enemies themselves. 

    6. Tear shirt and fight for them

    What’s a greater form of love than fighting for the one you love? Tear your shirt and fight their enemies for them. 

    7. Send your lover’s name to a Babalawo

    Sending the name of their enemies to a Babalawo is one thing o, but sending the name of your lover to a Babalawo is the most important thing for you. You need the Babalawo to look into the future to see who wins between them and their enemies.  

    8. Vanish

    Just stand under the sun or under the moon till you vanish. Wetin concern you with enemies? 

    Peace Out Disappear GIF - Peace Out Disappear Vanish - Discover & Share GIFs
  • 6 Unmissable Signs You’re The Side Guy

    6 Unmissable Signs You’re The Side Guy

    Let me start this article by saying that women don’t cheat. My queens are loyal and not capable of infidelity. , It’s not even a concept that exists for us.  The situations below are just hypothetical situations—you know, just for the fun of it. So, in a world where women cheat (a world that doesn’t exist), here are six signs that you are the side guy.

    You never get to meet her friends

    This is a major tell.  When a woman wants to show off someone she really likes, she first introduces him/her to her friends, also known as “The boyfriend approval panel”. If you don’t meet them, you’re definitely the side guy. That being said, the fact that you meet her friends doesn’t mean you’re not the side guy o. Women are so smart, you could be the side guy and still meet her friends. Fear women.

    No photos of you exist

    If there’s one thing that women love, it’s taking pictures with their partners, even if they aren’t posting it anywhere. If you’ve been dating her for a while, it’s normal that there would be photos of you on social media or just on her phone. But if you try to take a photo with her and she tells you to not post it online, run o. The reason she might tell you is because she’s a “private person ” but come oooon, we all know what this means.

    She doesn’t acknowledge you on social media

    If she makes statements on social media that start with or have “This man…” my dear, forget it, you’re the side piece. If she’s being vague online about her relationship or acts like she’s not in a relationship, you’re definitely not THE  boyfriend. And her reason for it would be “I like to keep my personal life private”. Liessssss! So, she’s not posting pictures of both of you, and she’s not acknowledging the relationship at all on social media?  In the words of famous philosopher David Adeleke A.K.A Davido “something fishy’s going down”.

    She’s not into any form of PDA

    This isn’t always one of the sure signs you’re her side piece because some people are just not into PDA, but if she refuses to even hold your hand, welp. Without PDA, she can easily deny you and say you’re just a friend, we call that plausible deniability.

    She missed holidays and important dates

    If she is always missing out on important dates, that’s another sign that there is no real commitment. Okay let’s say she has other things to do during other holidays, what about Christmas? If she’s not spending Christmas with you, you’re the side guy, my G. And most likely her excuse would be that she’s travelling with family, most likely to the village. Every time it comes to spending holidays together, she always has an excuse. Most importantly, if you don’t get to see her on her birthday, that’s a major sign. Although we women can have three birthdays in one year so you might never know, even if you ask for a birth certificate.

    She doesn’t see you that much

    If you were her boyfriend, she would try to make sure that she sees you as much as possible. However, as a side guy, she might only see you once or twice in two weeks and her excuse would be that she’s really busy. Also, your dates might only be during weeknights, and most times, they would be at your house.

    If your “woman” is doing any of these things, you’re definitely not the main guy.

    Remember that these were all hypothetical situations, women don’t have side guys because they don’t cheat.

  • 9 Things to Get Your Girlfriend for Valentine’s Day

    If you don’t know what to get your girlfriend for Valentine’s Day, then here are nine things you should consider. 

    1) Shoes

    A nice pair of shoes can instantly elevate her mood. It could be heels, flats or even sneakers. If you’re not sure what style she likes, ask some of her friends or check out shoes she’s hinted she likes. At least let her feet look good as she jumps to conclusions. 

    2) Your hoodie

    If you don’t have a lot of money to spend for Valentine’s Day, your hoodie is a safe gift option. Not only is it cheap, but it’s a sentimental gift she’d absolutely love. This way, you can give her your least favourite hoodie and keep the ones you actually like. 

    3) Jewelry

    This is a very tricky gift idea because if your girlfriend likes silver and you buy her gold, you might as well have carried knife to stab her in the chest. Necklaces, earrings, rings and bracelets. If you don’t want to risk buying the wrong thing, you can pay for her to get a new piercing. She’d love that. 

    4) Your bank card and pin 

    This is not a gift for the faint at heart, but for those who have money to spend. Let her go wild with your bank card and pin. Just make sure that things like rent and feeding money are removed from the card and you leave her with at least half a million naira to spend.  

    5) Perfume

    My girls like to smell good, so why not give her a new signature scent or at least restock her current one? If you’re trying to buy her a new scent, better get one similar to the one she already uses. Let her not think that you’re gifting her the same perfume your side chick uses. 

    6) Bags 

    Those storage containers, also known as bags, are always welcome as Valentine’s Day gifts. Where else will she be able to store all your wrongdoings? 

    7) A day of pampering 

    Tell her to cancel everything else she’s had planned and just let her get spoilt like fried rice that they cooked three days ago. Pay for her to get her nails and hair done as well as a massage to release the tension of holding in all that wickedness. She deserves. 

    8) Pay for her dry cleaning for a month 

    If you were doing this for a man, it’ll be because he loves looking sharp with crispy starched and ironed clothes . For your girlfriend, you do it so she doesn’t look like the dress was just picked straight from the washing machine. Help her to help yourself. 

    9) A jar with 30 reasons why you love her 

    They’re not the only ones that can give gifts like that, or don’t you know where they sell cardboard? Buy a bunch and get to writing. Whenever she’s sad, tell her to take one of the notes. 

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