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We already know love is a scam and breakfast is flying ear and dear, but if you have coconut head and still went to enter relationship, these tests will prove your lover isn’t cheating.
You’ve been noticing a change in your partner’s behaviour lately
You’ve asked many times, but they just say it’s nothing and they’re just tired.
My dia, they’re cheating!
We know we’re right, but if you’re still in doubt?
Check their phone
If you’re scared of checking your partner’s phone, then you probably already know the truth. Just open their WhatsApp and search for the word “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, and read through all the conversations you’ve been mentioned. You’ll either find them singing your praises or straight-up denying you.
Check their best friend’s phone
Finding nothing incriminating in your lover’s phone doesn’t exonerate them. It could just mean they’re careful and don’t leave any evidence of their cheating. Go on to their bestie’s phone. If there’s anyone who knows the secrets, it’ll be them.
Post a picture of you and your lover online and tag them
Why waste time doing any investigation when Nigerians can do it for you. Post a cute picture of you guys with a caption about how there’s no one like them in the whole wide world. Make sure this post is on Twitter, and wait for the bad belles. If they’re cheating, someone will expose them with receipts.
Ask for their bank statement
If they’re cheating, there’s going to be a money trail. Check their expenses against the information they gave you. They said they were working late last Wednesday, but you’re seeing a debit of ₦25k on the Island at 10 p.m ?
Tell them you want a break
They’ll either be relieved because they can now cheat in peace and blame it on the break. Or they’ll act upset because they think you want to go and cheat too.
Surprise them at their office
Maybe they’re not lying about spending all their time at work. But it could be because they’re having an affair with their office husband or wife. Show up unannounced and shock them.
Ask them to try a different barber
If a man agrees to cheat on his barber, he’s definitely cheating on you. And yes, same applies to your girlfriend trying a different salon.
Accuse them of cheating
If they get angry, they’re 100% cheating. If they start laughing and make jokes about it? They’re not just cheating; they’re planning their marriage behind your back.
Ask them to swear
Simple and effective. Ask your partner to swear on their football team, expensive weave or new iPhone, and watch them crumble in defeat.
Send them tweets about cheating partners
They say a clear conscience fears no accusation, right? Start forwarding all the gists you see about cheating partners to them to get their take.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 43-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about finding peace after her mother’s death, living with two bipolar brothers and escaping toxicity through classic books and films.
What makes you happy right now?
My published books, blogs and fan fiction. I haven’t made much money from them, but getting readers’ feedback makes me feel better about my self-worth. My mum died a week before my 40th birthday and my mind closed off. I couldn’t function. It wasn’t just the shock of her death, I also felt she died disappointed in me. I’m her only child who didn’t give her grandchildren or get married. A lot was left unsaid between us.
Like what?
She wasn’t always fair to me. Islam teaches us to accept the will of Allah, but I wish I focused more on her counsel than worrying about criticism from her. My brother’s wife told me something that gave me some closure. She said they often discussed me when I was at work and my mother would say she was proud of me. I wish she’d said things like that to me. I miss her very much, and I still feel sad when I think of her.
I’m sorry. How do you feel about not being married now?
Well, I never imagined I’d be single at 40, but I don’t mind it at all. I don’t want to be under a man who will tell me what to do or I’d need permission from. As a single woman, I’m not pressured to meet a husband’s expectations. I’m my own person.
What gives you this impression about marriage?
I’ve personally not experienced many healthy ones. My brother and his family live with me, and he has bipolar disorder. He’s on medication, but he’s not easy to live with. I sympathise with his wife but get angry and frustrated during his episodes. I always have to remind myself he’s mentally ill, yet sometimes, I feel he uses it to justify his general selfishness and superiority over his wife especially. Most times, I avoid him so his antics won’t get me down, but she can’t.
How do you manage your own mental health?
I focus on my hobbies. I read and watch classics, and write mostly to tune out the negativity. Sometimes, I just go out. I considered therapy but decided not to because I’m terrified of the possibility of needing meds.
I had panic attacks up until about 2010 because of my teaching job. I hid the attacks from my mum, who was already dealing with my younger brothers. Both of them are bipolar; I couldn’t add my issues. It was a horrible feeling, and I’m still prone to anxiety now and then. I don’t want a psychiatrist to detect it and say I should take meds. Then I’ll be unable to function without them. I want to be in control of my life without meds.
Fair enough. What was it like growing up with two bipolar brothers?
Their condition was undetected until they were both in university. But it’s not been easy. I never know when they might have an episode. The younger one takes his meds but won’t stop taking caffeine. He’s more bearable than the older one, but sometimes, he’s unreasonable. I resent the older one more because he’s done many things I can’t forgive him for. I generally try to avoid them.
Tell me about the hobbies that help you tune out negativity
I’ve loved classic books and films since I was a child. I have my late father to thank for that. He was a voracious reader who wanted his children to improve their vocabulary. He’d buy us books on our birthdays and let us read from his collection. Reading and writing fill me with fond memories of him.
That must be nice
He was still a strict father, though. Because of his temper and how he was set in his ways, I was afraid to cross him.
Where did your love for classic films come in?
As a child, NTA 5 aired BBC adaptations of classics like “Jane Eyre” (my favourite book), “Little Women” (my second favourite) and “Oliver Twist”. It made me love the classics even more. I also grew up watching great films like “The Sound of Music”, “The Thief of Baghdad” and “My Fair Lady”.
After reading about the history of motion pictures in an encyclopaedia in JSS 2, I wanted to watch all the films mentioned in it. Over the years, I’ve been able to. I especially enjoyed the film noirs. I love the feeling of entering another era, and it’s been helpful now when I need to escape. Today’s films, most of which are remakes of the classics, just don’t compare.
How did you transition to actually writing your own stuff?
The more books I read, and films I watched, the more I longed to create my own stories. But I didn’t consider actually writing until I started reading Enid Blyton’s books, my first inspiration to write children’s stories. I was about eight when my father bought one for me, “The Three Wishes, and other stories”. I think I was 15, when I first wrote anything. It was a three-stanza poem about the sea, and I sadly no longer have a copy. My first two books were published by Lantern Books.
How did that go?
It’s not easy to write for kids because you have to learn what they like, how they think, and keep the language simple. I submitted a manuscript of ten children’s stories in 2003. They were published in 2006 as two separate books. I was so happy when the physical copies were placed in my hands. But my third book wasn’t published till late 2018.
Have you written anything for film?
My first attempt at a film script was when I was at Federal College of Education (FCE), Osiele, Abeokuta. I showed it to a friend, but while he said it was well-written, he thought it was controversial because it talked about cultism. I haven’t made a second attempt.
Would you still offer it for adaptation to film one day?
I pray so. It would the pinnacle of my writing career.
And your romantic life so far?
I’ve only been in three brief relationships, and they all happened when I was 19. In fact, I would hardly call them “relationships”. I’m ashamed of the first and third because I thought I was in love. The second, I knew, was real, but I was too immature to handle it well. I haven’t tried again since.
I really don’t want to talk about it; all three were humiliating mistakes. I’ve forgotten the whole thing and moved on with my life, happily single.
For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women like content, click here
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For the sake of your relationship and your mental health, don’t share these things with your partner. Especially number four.
Clothes
Don’t do it. You’ll never get your clothes back. Ever.
Address
They may want to come over all the time. And if you’re like me that likes personal space and alone time, you’ll start crying when they text you that they’re coming over for the fourth time in less than a week week. Just tell them you live in the bush or something. (I don’t have the energy to think of a good lie right now.)
Your music
Make the mistake of sharing your favourite music with your partner, and when they serve you breakfast, you won’t be able to listen to Palazzo by Asake again. The song will come up in the club and you’ll start shedding hot tears.
Give them your Play Station 5 console, and that’s how they’ll delete all your game progress from the past two years. Speaking from experience, I once gave an ex my laptop, and he returned it to me split into two. Stay guiding.
Your favourite restaurant or hangout spot
If they like the place, sorry to you because they’ll open their big mouths and tell other people about it. That’s how your favourite spot will now become crowded. To make it worse, they’ll start going there without you. “I went to Z! Bar after work and the suya wrap slapped differently today.” Enipe?
TV shows
They’ll ruin it for you, I promise. Either they ask many foolish questions during the show, like why Jon snow knows nothing, or they’re rewinding too much because they aren’t paying attention. I hate when they want to fast-forward past the parts they think are boring.
If you’re sharing generational or family curse with your lover, it may still come back to you if you end up getting married. So who are you really doing?
Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD)
Are you a wicked person? Why will you share your STD with your partner?
Passwords
You’ll be sleeping on your own jeje, and your significant other will now unlock your phone, looking for what will give them chest pain. Better to avoid the whole thing by keeping your passwords to yourself.
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Abike* moved from having Kunle* as a random mutual on Twitter to dating him even though he was monogamous and she wasn’t. In this episode of Sunken Ships, she tells us how his attempt to cheat after convincing her to be monogamous made her break up with him and his disrespectful jokes prevented them from remaining friends.
Tell me how this ship started
Abike: We met on Twitter. We’d been following each other for a couple of years before our first DM. Then we occasionally interacted, but nothing serious.
Sometime in April 2020, he tweeted that he’d delete his account if nobody texted him. Because of COVID and the lockdown, I was bored, so I texted him. If I could take it back, I would.
How did the relationship progress?
Abike: We were talking almost if not every day. He was very upfront about wanting a romantic relationship, but that wasn’t something I wanted. For one, I didn’t think I had it in me to get into one with anyone. The idea of committing to one person was stressing me out. We also lived in different states, and I didn’t want to get into a long-distance relationship. Plus, we’d just started talking when he brought up dating. I can’t date someone I barely know.
But you eventually liked him?
Abike: A couple of weeks after we started talking, I realised I’d fallen in love with him. He seemed genuine, and I never stood a chance. But he was always “joking” about how I’d leave him for someone else. I’m polyamorous; I’ve always liked multiple people at a time. Still, I didn’t understand why he thought I’d leave him for someone else. How can I leave you when we’re not together?
That’s why a month before we started dating, we stopped talking. He said it was because we wanted different things from each other, but I didn’t want to stop talking to him. The next day, he apologised and we got back to talking.
Abike: Yes. We didn’t start dating until May 2021. We were finally in the same state, so I decided to visit him. After hanging out with him, I decided I wanted to try the whole boyfriend and girlfriend thing. One day, I told him, “You’re my boyfriend now,” and that’s how it began.
Along the line of our talking stage, I’d already blurted out I was in love with him, so it’s not like the feelings weren’t there. It’s just that it was weird. We’d stopped talking four times during the “talking stage”, all for variations of the same problem — he thought I’d leave him for someone else.
Did he know you were poly?
Abike: He did. Although before we started dating, when I told him I was also in love with someone else, he lied to my friends that he didn’t know I was polyamorous. They, of course, were not buying it because they themselves had told him.
But you dated anyways?
Abike: Yes, we did. He was a lovely person even before we started dating. To congratulate me when I got my internship in February 2021, he sent me a box with some of my favourite things from a bakeshop.
Dating him was good when it was good. He’d make me playlists and randomly send me cute emails. One time, he even wrote a story for me just because. He’d set reminders because my memory was terrible, and he was so supportive. He wasn’t all bad I think that’s why I kept making excuses for his bad behaviour.
Bad behaviour?
Abike: The “jokes” about me leaving him. They were exhausting because I didn’t give him any reason to think I’d abandon him. He wanted me to be monogamous, so I was. One week after we started dating, he even accused me of wanting to cheating on him with one of my male friends. It gets tiring constantly having to defend yourself for a crime you didn’t commit. Whenever he made those accusations, he always talked about how cheating was such an unforgivable offence. Maybe that’s why I was shocked when it turned out he was the one who tried to cheat on me.
What do you mean “tried to”?
Abike: We had two mutual friends. One day in June 2021, one of them called to tell me my boyfriend wanted her to come over and suck his dick. He said a lot of suggestive things to her, and she led him on to see how far he was willing to take it. The answer was very far. He kept trying to convince her she should come over to do it. It was so shocking because why would he even entertain the thought?
When I mentioned to him that she’d told me, he called so many times to explain that he only did it because he wasn’t sober. And because I’m a very foolish babe, we got back together a week or two later. I want to blame love, but omo.
Since you’re here, it clearly didn’t work out
Abike: No, it didn’t. We took a break in October of 2021. I usually don’t entertain the idea of a break because it just means a breakup, but I needed one. I’d started a new school, there was work, and I was getting used to my antidepressants. I needed to rest. When he brought up taking a break, I took it. It’s funny how I could never have told him I needed a break because I didn’t want him to think I didn’t love him again.
A week after the break, he said we should break up, that he didn’t think he could make me happy because he was sick and angry all the time. I wasn’t unhappy, but that’s how we ended things.
After the breakup, I started thinking about the first time we broke up. What if my friend had never told me he wanted to have sex with her? Would he have come clean? What if she’d decided to go to his house, would he have slept with her? I couldn’t deal.
Abike: It was, but I still wanted to be friends with him because I cared. When we tried the friend thing, we stopped talking at least three times for different reasons. In January 2022, we were supposed to hang out, but the night before, he said he was no longer interested because I liked someone else, and I should focus on my new person.
When my birthday was approaching in April 2022, he asked me if he could get me a gift, and I refused. That’s when he said, “It’s a birthday gift, not an engagement ring”, trying to play it off as a joke. At that point, our relationship was already weird. Why was he trying to make me the bad guy for refusing a gift from an ex I was in a weird space with?
Was that the last time you spoke to him?
Abike: The third time we stopped being friends was in October 2022. He mentioned something about wishing I was still in love with him, and I lost my shit. He tried to play it off as a joke, but I was annoyed. I was in love with him, he disrespected me. Now, I’m currently in another relationship. Why is he doing anyhow? That’s when I realised I didn’t have any grace left for him. So we stopped being friends. I told him off on the joke and stopped talking to him. Hopefully, this time, it’s for good.
Have you ever watched a TV show to impress someone you like? Well, you’re not alone. These seven Nigerians can relate to your desperation to off someone’s pant with TV show references, and they spoke to me about how it all went down.
Bridgerton, Netflix
— Tobi, 28
I used to make fun of people who watched Bridgerton back in 2020 because It looked boring and unnecessarily horny — why was that guy licking a spoon like a whore in those memes? But this year, I met a girl on instagram, and obsessed doesn’t even cover how much she stans the show.
I forced myself to watch Bridgerton because of this girl and started posting videos of me pretending to enjoy it on my Instagram story. The girl ended up sliding into my DM and doing all the toasting for me. I wouldn’t say I like the show, but we’re dating now, so don’t be shocked if you see me watching season three next year.
Stranger Things, Netflix
— Cynthia, 23
God knows I don’t like scary shit or playing with demons, but I watched Stranger Things, and it was because of a man. A guy I liked in my gym was wearing merch from the show one day, and since I’d been looking for a way to talk to him without sounding desperate, I figured this would be a subtle move. I spent a whole week bingeing all three seasons of the show, and the next time he wore the shirt, I told him, “I can’t wait to see how they bring back Hopper.” That’s how we started talking.
I ended up inviting him to watch the fourth season’s premiere with me; let’s say, some things went down. Shoutout to The Duffer Brothers for getting me good dick.
The Men’s Club, REDTv
— Jeremiah, 30
The show might be called The Men’s Club, but I feel women watch it more than men. I got into the show because there was this girl at my office I really liked who wouldn’t stop talking about it. I knew if she found out I liked the show, we’d hit it off, and we did. We’d talk about the show throughout our lunch break, and I even pretended to ship Louis and Lola, only to find out my “office wife” was engaged to someone else.
I get not bringing your personal life to work, but there’s no way this babe didn’t know I liked her. Anyway, I still watch the show; I just don’t trust Lagos babes anymore.
Anime in general
— Ehi, 25
I met this cute guy who was really into anime during my NYSC service year. Omo, this guy was such an anime geek; he had a demon slayer sword, as per Ikeja Samurai Jack. But, like I said, he was cute AF. We used to gist a lot, but our conversation wasn’t moving towards fornication, so I thought getting into the shows he liked would help me secure my future orgasm.
I tried Bleach, She-Ra, Yuri on Ice, Naruto and Sailor Moon, but nothing clicked. I hate animation, and even though I wanted that knacks badly, I couldn’t move past this hatred. Maybe I should just tell him I want to chop his work.
Spartacus was a sure way for me to get steady sex back in the day. I used to live in an apartment off campus when I was in university, but I had this coursemate who lived at home with super religious parents, so he couldn’t watch shows with violence or sex in them. He used to come to my apartment to watch Spartacus after classes, and every time he was done, we’d have sex. I hated the show but knew it was a necessary evil, so I endured it. I always looked at the bigger picture.
RuPaul’s Drag Race, LogoTV
— Abdul, 30
Let me start by saying I used to be one of those gays who were happy to announce that he didn’t watch RuPaul’s Drag Race. It gave me this weird feeling of superiority, like I was better than other gay men. Until I met my would-be ex, who was a big Drag Race fan. This man watched all the different shows from America to Australia. I resisted at first, but by the time he started repeatedly showing me clips and talking about it, I just had to give in.
I was shocked by how good Drag Race was. It’s hilarious and smart. The show also helped me build a community with other gay men who I wouldn’t have gotten to know if it hadn’t come up. I miss my ex, but I’m glad he helped me deal with my internalised homophobia and accept the beauty of drag.
Insecure, HBO
— Tomiwa, 35
Insecure is my favourite show ever, and it took trying to impress my wife for me to see that. In 2016, when I was still dating her, she mentioned Insecure in passing as a show she loved. I’d never heard of it, and since it was just starting, I thought, why not? I fell hopelessly in love with the show just as I was falling in love with my wife.
Insecure was a massive part of our relationship. I proposed while Girl by The Internet and Kaytranada played in the background (we discovered it on the show). We both cried when the show ended last year. My next goal is to get my wife to meet Issa Rae.
Convince Meffy to include her in his Naira makeover plans. How will you do that, you ask? I don’t know, but love will find a way.
Don’t forget billboard banners
Since WhatsApp texts are ordinary, why not pop the question using billboard banners? She’ll fall in love. I assure you.
Ask her besties
If you don’t already know, her friends will be major stakeholders in your relationship (if she eventually says yes), so know where you’re applying pressure.
Just start living with her
Trust me, this works better than you’d imagine.
Beg her
She might just take pity on you and accept. Don’t knock it till you try it.
Get BTS out of military service
If she’s an ARMY, and you figure out a way to bring the Bangtan Boys back from their hiatus today, she’ll marry you in a heartbeat.
Buy her creamy pasta
According to our sources, this has an almost perfect chance of success if you’re toasting a Lagos babe.
Money will always work
Money has this special way of activating feelings. Just send her money.
You can decide to believe your partner has sense, and hope they really have sense. Or you can save yourself from possible breakfast by getting inside information about who you’re dating that only their neighbour can give you.
And no, it’s not just for them to tell you if your neighbour is cheating. These are the ten other reasons.
Your partner may be a professional snorer
What if your partner’s snore can wake up an entire street? You may not know if you don’t live with them. You know who will? Their neighbour.
Your boo’s head might usually touch
Your partner may be one of those who shout “Up NEPA!” when they bring the light. Don’t you want to know that about them before catching feelings?
Your partner may be an Ikorodu Celine Dion
If you’ve never stayed over with your boo and seen them have their bath, you wouldn’t know if they sing terribly off-key versions of everything. Befriend their neighbour so they can give you the intel and save your ears.
Your boo might be a talkative
If they’re too close and chummy with their neighbour, it’s a red flag. Who does that?
They beef the neighbours
If they’re always fighting the people they live next to, it’s also a red flag. You want to marry someone who’ll be keeping malice with you?
Your partner may be a petty Betty
If you start hearing stories of how your boo used to pour salt in their neighbour’s generator or move other people’s clothes off the drying line, what’re you still doing in the relationship?
Your partner may be broke
Who knows if they’re borrowing fancy clothes to go on dates with you when in actual sense, they always beg their neighbours for salt and garri?
Your partner may be rich
They may also be forming “broke” with you to avoid billing, but somehow manage to fry chicken every night at home. Believe me, the neighbours know.
Your partner may actually be wicked
Because it’s only wicked people who’ll wake up on a Saturday morning and start blasting music from their speakers at the highest volume. Did anyone ask for a concert?
You may be dating yourself
Of course, we can’t end without mentioning the obvious. A word is enough for the wise.
Whether we want to admit it or not, men love being called “Daddy”. There’s just something about being called Daddy by someone you’re doing genital meet-and-greet with that makes you buga with vim.
But how do you get your lover to call you daddy without getting them pregnant? Let me help you.
Grow a beard
To move to Daddy status, you need a beard. Beardless men are cute, but if you want to be dangerously sexy, this is where the beard comes in. You can try any of these tips if your beard is not clicking.
Learn how to reverse and parallel park with one hand
The gworls that get it, get it. Men who can drive with one hand and do it well are just sexy AF — maybe it’s the increased danger or the illusion of being in control. I don’t really know why but it just gets everywhere wet sha.
Go bald
I’m not talking about small low-cut hair, I mean the type of baldness where people can see their reflections when they look at your head. If you don’t believe me, look at Lynxx, RMD and Banky W.
Become a billionaire
There’s nothing money cannot do. With a couple more zeros in your bank account, best believe even straight men will start calling you daddy. Money stops nonsense.
Flirt like an old man
I don’t have tips for this, but you can ask your father how he landed your mother and use the same lines on anyone you find attractive.
Start listening to Sunny Ade, KWAM1 and Osadebe
You want to be a daddy with a capital D, and you’re on TikTok doing the #kulosachallenge? Let’s be serious here. Daddy status is a state of mind, and you must musically feed your mind with the classics. Burst out the Sunny Ade vibes and complain about how the music of “this” generation isn’t hitting like it used to.
Changing your name to Daddy in a court of law is probably the fastest way to get your lover to call you by that name. Technically, it’s your real name now, so they don’t have a choice.
Start wearing trad
Get rid of the ripped jeans and oversized t-shirts and start wearing trads asaptually. Make sure you have at least three agbadas if you want to get to that Daddy status on time.
Put your lover on an allowance
If you want to replace their father, you might as well replace him financially too. Go all the way.
Always bring them breakfast in bed
I know it sounds like houseboy work, but trust me, it’ll change how your lover looks at you. By the way, try switching the food you’re giving them. Not every day, pancakes and bacon, sometimes throw in a little pap and akara or pounded yam and egusi after intense fornication so they can renew their energy.
Pay for their house rent
If you pay for your lover’s apartment, it means they’re living in their father’s house, and since you paid, you’re now their Daddy. Does it make sense, or do you need a graph for further explanation?
Humans are far from perfect, and the same goes for relationships. But in a time when social media timelines are filled with happy couples, we asked eight Nigerian women what they hate about their partners.
“He goes MIA when he’s upset”
— Fortune, dating for a year plus
When I do something that upsets him, he just goes off. The longest he’s gone is two weeks, but honestly, I get coconut head, so being angry was valid. He’s been working on it though, learning how to communicate his feelings better.
“He’s stubborn like a goat”
— Tina, dating for four years
He’s great, but he doesn’t listen at all. If you tell him to go right, he’d go left. Just stubborn like a goat, LOL.
“He doesn’t know how to watch movies”
— Linda, dating for a year plus
This young man doesn’t pay attention while we’re watching movies. Whether at the cinema or home, he’ll just keep pressing his phone and then come back to ask what happened in the movie.
“He doesn’t know how to plan”
— Cindy, dating for four years
It’s not even about me or the relationship; he’s just bad at planning things. So it takes extra intentionality from him to prepare for things like parties, dates or simple activities. And this translates to nonchalance in some instances.
“He goes through my phone”
— Lilian, dating for about six years
He can’t seem to get his hands off my phone. Whenever we’re together after not seeing for a while, he takes his time to go through my phone. On some days, I confront him, and he agrees to going through my phone, other times, he denies it. And it’s just upsetting because I don’t even know the password to his phone.
“He’s not as expressive”
— Lola, dating for eight months
He’s not as expressive as I’d like him to be. For instance, when I’m giving him gists, I’d appreciate if he acted more interested, interjected with questions and just shared in the excitement. But alas. And his inability to express himself also happens when he’s upset, as it usually takes a lot of nudging for him to tell me how he’s feeling. I know that most times, he’s trying not to hurt my feelings, but I’d rather he just confronted me rather than bottling up everything.
“He makes me feel like an olodo”
— Rita, dating for three years
Some days he gets carried away when talking about his work because he’s into tech. And he forgets I don’t understand most of these things. Like I try, but some things are just so complex, and it makes me feel like an olodo.
“He tries to dodge his faults”
— Louisa, dating for about four years
I can’t say if it’s pride, but he has a hard time apologising. So even when he knows he’s wrong, he’d rather stay away than just say just apologise. And whenever I ask, he brings up excuses about being busy, but I know the real reason is that he’s trying to wait out my anger.
This interview has been edited for structure and clarity.
We don’t talk about this often, but one of the things that make relationships stressful is running out of things to say to your partner. When you speak to a particular person every day for many hours, there’s the tendency that you may run out of things to say. It’s even worse if you live together.
When that happens, this is what to do:
Talk about Mercury retrograde, and when it’s coming back
Mercury is constantly moving around. If you’re looking for what to talk about, ask your partner when you think it’s coming back. And why it can’t seem to stay in one place.
Ask them what would happen if you became a cockroach
See, it’s essential to know these things before you turn into a cockroach one day and they dump you. Bring it up now and find out if the love is real.
Don’t talk
Just enjoy the silence. They say if you can’t sit with your partner in silence, the relationship won’t last (I don’t know who said it, don’t ask me). If you’ve run out of things to say to each other, just don’t talk for a few days.
If you and your partner no longer have things to discuss, the relationship has expired; the battery has died. Ghost them and move on to the next one. There’s no time to waste time, please.
Ask for the password to their phone
This is a very interesting conversation starter. Because the next thing they’ll likely say after you ask is, “Why?” And that’s how argument will start. Except you have a normal trusting relationship where your partner has nothing to hide. Then you’re back to not having anything to talk about.
Take Zikoko quizzes together
In fact, this should have been number one because so many conversations can arise from taking Zikoko quizzes. Imagine taking a quiz about who cheats in the relationship. That’s bound to start an exciting discussion.
Apparently, “Have you eaten?” is a steady conversation saver. It’s the second to the last thing you bring up before you start talking about the weather.
Talk about other people’s relationships
If there’s one thing that brings friends and couples together, it’s gossip. Talk about other couples and maybe include how their relationship isn’t as good as yours. That may not be true, but at least it has gotten you and your partner talking.
What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up. Man Like is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subect of the week.
It’s hard to find a picture where Franklyne Ikediasor isn’t smiling like he just won the lottery. While I initially dismissed this energy as a performance set up for social media, the more time I spent with Franklyne, the more I understood a man who’s worked hard to find the joy he shamelessly displays to the world — even when the conversation broaches painful subjects.
In this episode of Man Like, Franklyne talks about being a young adult desperate for romantic validation, how losing his mum changed him and why he rates friendships over romantic relationships.
Everyone gets their “I’m a man now” moment. Do you remember yours?
The moment that came to me was when I moved out and got my first apartment at 23. It was right after NYSC, and I’d been living in Port Harcourt with my aunt, but I was a horny guy in his 20s and needed my privacy. I couldn’t bring people over or stay out past 7 p.m, so I was itching to leave. As soon as I had some money, I moved out.
That was my first experience, not just being a man but as an adult taking responsibility for himself.
What was that experience like?
Omo, moving out was when I realised that everything was expensive. I needed a bed, a gas cooker, a pot — why would posts cost me 20k to 50k? It’s just for cooking! And while I was making all these expenses, I had to save up for the next rent. It was a lot.
I was hell-bent on being independent, so I made sure I didn’t ask my aunt or sisters for money. I wanted to figure things out on my own. Even though I knew moving out would be hard and I didn’t have a lot of money, there were certain things like stumbling home drunk or waking up whenever I wanted to. I needed to experience those things, and I learnt a lot about myself during this period.
What’d you learn?
Number one, I have ojukokoro. I can eat like a thief. I didn’t notice this with my family because the food was being regulated. But living on my own and being able to wake up and make eba at 2 a.m. or finish all the meat in my soup was all the proof I needed to understand my relationship with food.
I’ve also found out I enjoy my company, which is surprising because I’m an extrovert and the life of the party. I thought I’d be bored all by myself, but I could go weeks without leaving my apartment. After all, I have Wi-Fi, booze and food. But when I go out? I will enjoy myself to the fullest.
I’m also anal about having things cleaned and arranged in a certain way. It’s such a big deal that I remember being annoyed at a lover because they rearranged my bookshelf. They didn’t get why I was so upset.
Wahala! Do you know where it comes from?
I wish I knew. It’s just that I become unsettled when things are not arranged the way I like. I could be in bed unable to sleep because I’m thinking about how my dishrack isn’t arranged in a particular order.
Like the lover you mentioned, I’m sure this impacts your relationships
My friends unlook because they’re used to me now. But it’s an entirely different thing when it comes to relationships. I told a friend the other day that almost all the breakup messages from people I’ve been with have the same message. There’s a pattern. But I’m set in my ways and at a point of emotional independence where I don’t feel like I need anyone.
I had my hoeing days in my early 20s. From my mid 20s to early 30s, I was obsessed with relationships and felt like I needed someone. Thankfully that horrible era of being desperate for companionship is over.
All your exes have the same complaints?
Let’s see, about three of my exes have described me as self-absorbed, and another thing that came up with like two was I’m incapable of giving or receiving love.
Do you think they’re right?
Maybe. There’s that bible thing about two or three witnesses, so who knows?
I’m not mushy when it comes to relationships. I once saw a tweet about getting upset when your lover doesn’t speak to you for four days, and honestly, I might not even notice. It was part of the problem in my relationships because they mistook my silence as me not caring for them.
Right now, I’d prefer someone who has stuff going on, so I’m not the one that completes them. I’ll never be that person.
Therapy has helped me unpack my past relationships and the role I played in their demise. I decided to chill on relationships for a bit, and now that “a bit” has turned into five years.
Before this break from dating, you referenced a period where you were desperate for companionship. What was that about?
I didn’t particularly feel like I was attractive growing up. My siblings and other people around me were more good-looking than I was. The only thing I had going for me was my intelligence.
In my late teens, things started to change. People were noticing me for my looks. Did I get more attractive? I don’t know. People would say things like, “Fine boy,” and I’m like, “Is it me, Jesus?’ LOL. Becoming more desirable was a bit confusing for me. I couldn’t see myself the way people saw me. This feeling drove my hunger for dependency and the need to have someone like and validate me. I needed to get to a point in my life where I was the only one validating myself.
Therapy is expensive and inaccessible to many people, but it helped me unpack these feelings. If my office didn’t cover it, I’d probably use whiskey as my coping mechanism. Outside of therapy, having a tight-knit community of friends helped me find that feeling of self-validation.
We’ll come back to therapy, but tell me about how friendship helped you love yourself
I always preach that friendship is the cornerstone of life, not romantic relationship. If a lover leaves me today, it’ll hurt a bit, but I don’t know how I’ll survive if one of my best friends stops talking to me. I’ve built healthy long-term friendships, and these people are the ones who fix me.
My friends are the people I can have open conversations with because we’ve been through so much shit together. I remember I gained a lot of weight after the lockdown, and it affected how I saw my desirability. After a healthcare scare, losing weight was one of the things my doctor recommended. I dropped about 10 kilograms in six weeks.
With the weight loss, I began to enjoy going out more, taking pictures and wearing clothes. But at some point, I also felt like a fraud, like I was enjoying someone else’s body. I called a friend, Fiyin, who explained that she was going through the same thing. She asked if I’d be okay if the weight came back, which helped me interrogate why I was feeling the way I was. It was because I was viewing myself through the lens of what society found attractive, and I wasn’t used to that.
I have these open conversations with my friends, and it just helps me figure out life. It’s always weird to me when people say they don’t have friends.
I love it! So about therapy. Was there a particular experience that pushed you to start?
I used to go to therapy on and off for years, but it became a permanent part of my routine after I lost my mum in December, 2020.
My mum’s death was the first time I dealt with something I couldn’t navigate, and I needed help processing my emotions. I’m not a crier, but I cried for two weeks after she died. Without the support of my therapist and friends, I doubt I would’ve been able to survive that period. My friends gave me space when I asked for it and followed me to the funeral. My therapist also allowed me to talk, no holds barred, about how I felt. They created a space for me to feel a full range of emotions.
I remember people saying, “If you’re crying as a man, what do you expect your sisters to do?” An uncle tried to force me to look at my mum’s body. I’d chosen not to see her body because I wanted to always remember her alive, but this uncle was literally dragging me “as a man” and didn’t stop until I got violent.
I’m sorry, what?
Yes. My siblings had to intervene and ask him to leave me alone.
Anyway, I said renting an apartment was when I realised I was an adult, but let me say losing my mum was the hardest thing I’ve experienced as an adult. Grief changes you in ways you don’t expect.
How did this particular loss change you?
Like I said before, I wasn’t a crier, but now I find myself crying unprovoked. I was recently on a run and started crying randomly. I had to pause, sit down and try to understand why. Fun fact, I couldn’t find an answer.
I’m so sorry about that man. Not so random question, but what does it mean to “be a man”?
Being a man is about doing what makes me happy as long as I’m not hurting anyone.
I want to explore the full range of my humanity. If I feel anger, it’s okay. If I feel like crying, then cool. My therapist always says they’re all feelings that’ll pass. It’s what we do with these feelings that matter.
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
The subject of this week’s Sunken Ships, Chris* (23), tells us about his relationship with his mother. How she never wanted him to be born nor showed any emotional affection towards him and what it’s like watching her start a new life without him
Tell me about your earlier memories of your mum
Chris: For as long as I can remember, my mum never wanted me. She got pregnant by a man she didn’t know had a wife and child in another country. When she found out, she was devastated. I think she carried all of that resentment and hatred to me.
She worked in a bank and was very busy so various nannies raised me. My mum would have left before I woke up and would come back by the time I’d gone to sleep. I remember not seeing her for a whole month. It’s not like she travelled. We lived in the same house, but during weekends and holidays, she’d stay in her room and I’d stay in mine. That was my normal.
When did you realise it wasn’t normal?
Chris: School. In primary school, I interacted with other children that actually spent time with their mothers. One of my classmates even said that when he’s ill, he goes to his parents’ room and lays on their bed because it makes him feel much better. I had never been allowed to stay in my mother’s room without her permission, talk less of laying on her bed. I was in awe.
When I was 9 years old and a bit under the weather, I crept into her room while she was at work and slept on her bed. I just wanted to see what it was like. When she came back, she beat me so hard she removed a milk tooth. She told me never to try that again, and I didn’t.
Chris: My mother was never emotionally present, and her room felt like the only space in the house where she could forget I existed. Seeing me there must have spoilt that.
When she sent me to boarding school when I was 11 years old, it was the happiest she’d been. She never came for my visiting days or PTA meetings. I made a friend whose parents basically adopted me as their own. They tried to make me feel less alone and I appreciated it.
I wish my mum were more involved, but I realised she needed to provide for us. I just wish she showed me a bit more emotion. Do you know she only told me she loved me once?
Can you explain?
Chris: I was 18 years old and had just graduated from secondary school. When the ceremony was over, she hugged me and told me she was proud of me and loved me. She’d never mentioned it again since then.
Do you love her?
Chris: I do. The older I got, the more I realised that she’d never love me, but it didn’t stop me from loving her. Now I love her out of fear and I no longer try to do things to please her. If I have to decide between something that’ll make me happy or something that’ll make her happy, I’ll choose myself.
She never failed to remind me that the only reason she worked so hard to provide me with all the chances life has to offer was so nobody could ever use it to insult her. She provided and cared for me, so asking for love was too much. I got the memo, but I wish it didn’t take so long.
Chris: It made me aware of my place in her life. As I said, my love for her changed the more she told me those things. I also felt bad for her. Imagine having this much hate in your heart for someone who never did you anything wrong. It must be difficult.
What’s your relationship with her like now?
Chris: I moved out of her house in 2020. So, we hardly see each other. She also remarried in 2021 and I had no idea till the wedding day.
How come you didn’t know?
Chris: She never bothered to reach out to me except she needed something, and she didn’t feel like including me in her new life. The only reason I knew about the wedding was that I saw it on her WhatsApp status. I knew she was dating the guy, but I didn’t know anything else.
God abeg. I’m so sorry.
Chris: It’s okay. I’m pretty happy with where I am now. She’s making a conscious effort to have a child with this new man she married and I hope it works out. Maybe she’d treat this one differently than me. At least she’d finally have a child she wanted.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 28-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about writing as a form of therapy, being a Christian in a staunch Muslim home and raising 17 cats.
What’s one thing that makes you happy right now?
Right now? Writing.
It was a huge part of my life until I had a four-year writer’s block. A few weeks ago, I started writing again, and I can feel myself becoming lighter. I still haven’t gotten my groove back, but knowing that writing isn’t completely lost to me makes me happy.
Of course, being around my family makes me happy too, but writing adds a layer of self-fulfillment.
How so?
When I had writer’s block in 2018, I almost prayed for death because I was tired of living. I’ve started writing again, and it gives me something to look forward to when I wake up. Sometimes, I hate getting sleepy because it means I have to stop.
I don’t even write to get my books published or anything. I just have so many stories in my head, and I love bringing them to life. It’s like I get to create my own world, and even if it’s just for a little while, I can live in it.
What do you write about, and how did you get into writing?
I started out of boredom. It was the first week of senior secondary school in 2007, and I was sitting in class doing nothing. I picked up a pen, took one of my school books and started writing a story. It was romance, but there were some elements of my life in it. When I was done, for some reason, my classmates liked reading it. So I wrote more.
After a while, it stopped being about boredom and became my every waking and sleeping thought. I would dream storylines and be inspired by everything and everyone around me. I even wrote a three-book series about my best friend that I hope will become a TV series someday.
You were on a roll. So when did the writer’s block happen?
After I met Christ in 2012, I wanted my writing to include my faith, but it was so difficult. I was used to writing your typical romance so switching to gospel was like learning how to drive an automatic car and suddenly having to go manual.
I refused to write anything else, but what I wanted to write seemed beyond me. Coincidentally, I was really busy with university, and then law school. A lot of things were happening at the same time, so writing sort of fell away from me. By the time I settled into adulthood, I realised I couldn’t write like before. I’m so glad that’s over now.
Me too. How did you shake the block?
I prayed about it a lot. I told God why I wanted to write, that I believe He gave me the talent as a means to tell people about Christ. I apologised for burying my talent because of my law pursuit and just let Him know I was desperate. After some time, the characters started speaking to me again.
Were you always Christian or did you just convert in 2012?
I was born into a Muslim family, so I’ve always been religious. I even used to represent my Arabic school in competitions. But I attended a Catholic primary school so I also had a deep knowledge of the Christian faith. I was okay with both religions.
When I was 16, I started spending time with a girl who lived in my area, and we talked about God a lot. She opened me up to things I thought I knew about Christ, and when I realised the difference between Islam and Christianity, I had to make a choice. I chose Christ then, but it was years before I truly understood what it meant.
What do you mean?
I later had the opportunity to study several religions at OAU. I literally got accepted for a degree in religious studies instead of the law I applied for. So I studied Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism and many others, and it was just one religion that had a God who loved me so much He was willing to die for me.
Others kept asking me to do things to attain “paradise”, but Christ was the only one saying, “You don’t have to do anything. In fact, there’s nothing you CAN do, so I’ve done it all. All you gotta do is believe me.” Only one religion had a God who called me His own child. The choice was between sonship and servanthood, and I chose to be a son.. Or daughter, in my case.
And how did your family take it?
I haven’t officially told my parents I’m a Christian yet, but they know. Everyone knows. My actions, words and very life reflect Christ. My big sister also attended OAU, so some people told her about it.
I’ve told my younger siblings because we have a close relationship, and I can tell them anything. At first, they were confused and wanted to know why I couldn’t just “be a Muslim”, but I explained how I felt, and they cheered me on.
What about your parents?
In the beginning, it wasn’t funny. They were all over me all the time like, “You were born into a Muslim family. It’s only someone who’s greedy and wants what other people have that’ll decide they want to step out of their own religion.” They would sit me down, and pray and fast.
So what’s writing post-block been like?
I finally found a balance. I still write romance, but now, every word is a conscious effort to reach out to someone and say, “You’ll be okay.” I’ve finally gotten to the point where the ideas that swim in my head are the ones that’ll heal people. And I can finally breathe.
Do you write for a living now?
No. I haven’t gone into it because I’m scared. I’ve been writing for a long time, but I just enjoy sharing my books with friends and discussing them. Lately, they’ve been pushing me to “let the world see”. I’m scared the world won’t be as kind as they are.
I’m scared of the day someone will tell me, “Your books aren’t actually that good” or “This is trash”. I’m scared I won’t recover from it, and it’ll take away my love for writing. Right now, I hear a lot of “This is good. This is great. You write well. The storyline is perfect”. And that’s good enough for me.
A while ago, I published the first book I wrote after my writer’s block, but I refused to post the link so people won’t see it. I just like going back to the site to look at it. Maybe as a birthday present to myself at the end of the year, I’ll finally share.
What do you do at times like this when you’re unsure of yourself, or just sad?
I think of a bright future. Lately, I’ve been thinking I want to settle down, get married and have two to five kids. I’d like to move into my own house with my husband and start living my own life. Apart from that, in the presence of God, there’s fullness of joy. So when I start to feel sad, I remember I dwell in His presence. I listen to music and play with my cats.
Cats?
Yes, I have cats. I have a lot of cats. Well, not anymore. I’m down to two now, but once upon a time, I had 17 cats at once. My dad was going to send all of us out of the house like “I can only live with one: human beings or cats.” Lol.
Oh wow. How did you handle 17 cats?
It was overwhelming but also easy because cats are fiercely independent. They love to do everything themselves unlike dogs. They clean themselves and some of them love to stay outside. They also don’t make noise at all. The only problem is when you have kittens and they start to pee on your couch. My parents tried to kidnap and give out one of my cats once, and it actually crawled all the way back home the next day. The older cats started dying, and we started selling off the kittens.
Omg. Do you feel alienated from your family at all?
My whole life revolves around my family. I work for my dad so we spend a lot of time together, and we’ve gotten closer. I’m his lawyer. I handle the administration of his real estate company. He likes to involve me in the construction side, so I visit his sites too. Then I go from work back home.
When I go out, I go with my siblings. We go everywhere together. Last time, we went to this Korean festival, and it was so much fun. We had Korean food, drank boba tea and sang K-pop songs. We all love to hang out together, and our differing religions don’t affect that. We are our own friends and sounding boards. If something happens at work with my dad, I report to my mom and siblings, and he reports me to them too.
Most people don’t like working with their parents. What’s it like for you?
I mean, some people ask if I intend to leave. But I don’t want to. I think of it as a permanent job, you know, a family business. At the end of the day, my dad hopes to retire and wants to have someone who already knows the business. I’m learning a lot really fast. I think it’s giving him the confidence that if he decides to take a break, everything will be okay.
I’ve been working with him for almost two years now, and I’m used to almost everything. The workers and staff, everyone is used to me. We hope the rest of my siblings join too. My youngest sister is studying architecture, but if she doesn’t want to come into the business, that’s fine too.
Why do I feel like your parents made you study law because you wanted to write?
Funny thing is I didn’t always want to be a lawyer. In primary school, I was called “small lawyer” because I was good at debates. I won all of them. I was small, but I spoke well, so they always involved me in anything to do with speaking. In secondary school, I was put in any competition that involved oratory skills even though I was in science class.
So what did you want to be?
I wanted to be a gynaecologist. I loved pregnant women and the whole process of pregnancy. I have three younger ones, not to mention many nephews and nieces. I’ve seen the pregnancy process from start to end a lot of times, and it amazes me.
I watched my sister move around in the womb and then move around the same way after she was born. My baby brother moved slowly and rarely in the womb. And when he was born, he was so quiet and gentle. I figured our characters are formed from the womb, and I found that fascinating.
I agree. So from gynaecology to law? How did that happen?
I didn’t have the skills to achieve that dream. Oh, my God, physics was hard. After graduation, I didn’t get admission for medicine; I got microbiology. I would’ve had to study microbiology for four years before I could switch to medicine.
Then my dad told me to take GCE for art class because, for some reason, he thought I was a genius and my only options were medicine and law. He also never really supported my decision to be in science class in the first place.
How did you manage such a shift after graduating?
I had to start reading and teaching myself government. Thank God, I did literature throughout secondary school because I loved reading, so it was easy for me. I wrote a second WAEC and did GCE for two different classes in the same year.
I got another admission for microbiology at the same time that I passed my entrance examination into art class pre-degree at OAU. I had to choose between “Microbiology then Medicine” and “pre-degree then law”. I chose pre-degree because it was shorter.
Law, finally, right?
Nope. After the one-year period, I got religious studies and English, which is how I learnt about so many religions. I was going to transfer to mass communication, thinking I would combine my love for writing and speaking. But during my second semester in religious studies and English, ASUU went on a strike that lasted months.
When will ASUU change?
At a point, it seemed there was no end in sight. My mom was like, “Look, all my kids are stuck in school.” My elder sister had been in OAU for years because of the strikes. My parents didn’t want the same thing to happen to me. So my dad said we should move to a private university.
He told me to write entrance exams for law and mass communication. We went to the law department first, I wrote the exam and passed. My mum just said since I’d entered for law, I didn’t need to write the one for mass comm., so we went home. That’s how I ended up studying law.
Talk about fate
In the beginning, I hated it because I had so many friends in OAU. I even had a boyfriend there. I was sad, lonely, and I felt old; I was almost 20 starting over in 100 level where my classmates were 16. But I found the NIFES fellowship, and after a while, I wasn’t sad again.
I learnt a lot while studying law. I saw so much injustice in the cases we had to study, and I told myself, “I would love to do something about this and make sure the people around me don’t suffer this kind of injustice.”
I feel like something changed
In law school, our lecturer made a statement once: practice is not the same thing as theory. I thought he was just being philosophical. But when I graduated, I realised he was right. I thought with my law degree, I could stand up to policemen in the face of police brutality.
But in Nigeria, when a lawyer goes to challenge the police, they can’t go with the confidence and power they taught us in school or you see on TV shows. They have to be subservient. If you want to get anything from the police, if you want your clients to be treated well in custody, if you even want to get police bail, you must be subservient and bribe them.
When I saw this, I was shattered. It wasn’t what I signed up for or imagined when I studied law for how many years of my life? I honestly don’t want to be a lawyer forever. I plan to practice for five years.
What about the family business?
My legal skills will still be applicable there. Right now, I go to court and deal with cases, all of which I’ve won so far. But after some time, we’ll hire a company lawyer for those. I really wish there was more I could do. I feel like a weak lawyer because I don’t have the power and experience to do most of the things I would like to.
I can’t stand up in court to speak against injustice because there are too many rules, from the way you dress and speak to the colour of your hair. While rules are good, people will always mismanage them, and many lawyers and judges do.
Right
Because I don’t have enough backing to get away with whatever, I have to be very careful and tiptoe around the law. I don’t enjoy doing that. I’ve practiced for two years so far. If in three, I can get some footing, I’d continue. If not, I’d just hang up my robe and wig, and do other things.
If your partner spent so much time in your home that it felt like they lived there, moving out is the easiest answer to getting over a breakup. But this is Buhari’s economy and your last name doesn’t end with $$.
So what happens when you can’t afford to rent a new place? Seven Nigerians who’ve had their hearts broken before shared tips on making your home feel like yours again.
Yinka, 35
Accept that you’ll be fine
I spent five years with Susan*, and we lived together for four of them. When you start living with someone, especially if it’s a person you love, there’s a level of codependence that develops.
I found myself staying up until she got back from work so we could eat on our favourite couch together, or stopping myself from watching my favourite shows after work because we always watched them together. I didn’t know how to do things without my partner in mind; I forgot how to be alone.
I can say you should get rid of everything your partner ever touched, but every penny counts. To get over the codependence syndrome, you need to start doing things alone in your home and loving it. Make dinner, open your favourite bottle of wine and enjoy sitting on your couch alone. FaceTiming a friend helps if you need the company to get through it.
Chika*, 28
Buy a fragrance you’ve never tried before
I started living with my boyfriend a year ago and rather than grow closer, we saw a lot of differences that couldn’t be overlooked. So we broke up after three years of being together.
Honestly, the best decision I made for myself was to switch up the fragrance of my home. Months after my partner left, I could still smell him all over my pillows and couch. I mean, my house was small so it was hard not to have his perfume fill the room. But it was different when he stopped coming over.
I was holding on to the sense of familiarity his scent left, and that made it harder to want to be home. Nobody had to tell me to buy a scented candle and reset my nose. I didn’t think I loved vanilla as much as I do now. So find something new and let it fill your home with a new scent.
Please accept that your partner is never coming to your house again. You can toss out everything they own — like I did — and still feel like a stranger in your own home. For instance, my ex-partner always slept on the side of our bed that’s closer to the door because he thought it was the manly thing to do.
When he left, I just couldn’t imagine sleeping on his side. Even when I bought new bedsheets, it felt odd being on “his side” of the bed.
My dear, you need to get over the love and let yourself rollover. Start by sitting on their side of your bed every morning.
Lanre, 32
Host your friends at your home
I think I forgot how wholesome platonic friendships are when I started dating. My friends barely came over because almost every night became date night while my partner and I lived together. So you can imagine how horrible my evenings have been in the last two years without a Netflix and chill buddy.
At the state of this year [2022], I knew I couldn’t keep up with my self-inflicted loneliness. Inviting my friends to come over for random game nights and drinks is something I look forward to now, especially during important football games. Reconnecting with your guys makes things a lot less gloomy at home.
Peace*, 29
Pack up the things that slow down your healing process
There’s nothing I hated more than the couch in my living room. Every time I walked into my house, it was a reminder of how close I was to getting married. How close I’d gotten to finally being the object of the “God when” phrase. I hated all the memories on that couch. The sex, laughs and tears. It hurt to think about.
I ended up giving the chair to my neighbour. After that, walking into my home didn’t feel entirely depressing. Of course, it didn’t take away the fact that I wanted to call him almost every day, but at least, there were some days I forgot about the couch.
Long distance is the only reason my babe and I broke up, so I’m still bitter about it. To make myself feel better, I tossed out all the skincare products she left behind. She got them for my pimples, but I’d rather have them than keep thinking of her every single time I wash my face.
Hameedah, 29
Clear your kitchen
When I was dating my partner, she enjoyed Indian curries, so I bought all the masala spices to experiment with dishes for her. When we broke up, I hated going into my kitchen because everything reminded me of her absence.
Beyond the spices, I hated how I nursed her favourite coffee mugs and plates. Let’s just say I accidentally broke them. Even though I still had to clean everything up, I felt a bit pacified from letting out the rage. I got to clean out my kitchen too. So it was a win-win, I guess.
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Angela* was her father’s favourite child, and he made it obvious. They did everything together, but all that changed when she decided she no longer wanted to be a Christian.
Describe your relationship with your dad
Angela: My dad and I were close. I’m the second child f four, so it’s not like I have any unique title like “last child” or “only girl”, but there was something about my relationship with my dad that felt different.
While all my family members were doing their thing in the evenings, I’d stay with my dad to watch television and discuss politics. We supported the same football club, had the same favourite food and the same bad temper. My siblings knew my dad had a soft spot for me, so whenever they wanted his permission for something, they’d always make me ask. I don’t think he maltreated them; he just never hid how much he liked me.
I went to boarding school like my other siblings and went to university in a different state as they did too. The only thing I believe I did differently was not being in a hurry to move out of the house.
Why?
Angela: I didn’t want to. I had a job close to the house, I owned a car, and I got to spend time with my parents.
I grew up in that house, and it’s comfortable. I’d help around the house, pay for a couple of things and keep them company. My parents never said they wanted me gone. They were getting old, and I didn’t like the idea of older people staying in a house alone. Staying with them meant that in an emergency, someone would find them.
That makes sense. So how did it affect your relationship with your dad?
Angela: Initially? It didn’t. We watched sports, the news and played ayo together. We even became closer because I was older and understood some things better. He’d give me family gist, and we’d gossip about my mum.
All was well and good until I decided I wanted to stop attending church. My parents raised us as Christians. We were in various groups in the same church we’d attended since I was born. They took going to church very seriously, and I did too until I started losing whatever attachment I had to religion.
I was working late, so I’d skip mid-week services and feign sickness to skip Sunday sermons. Faking it got harder each week because finding new excuses to stay out of church got more complicated. I knew I had to tell my parents, but I didn’t know how.
Did you figure it out?
Angela: Yeah. One Saturday, while my parents were in the living room, I told them about my decision to stop attending church because I wasn’t a Christian anymore. My mum kept asking me questions, but my dad was dead silent. When I’d finished answering my mum, my dad just said to me, “Service is by 8 a.m. tomorrow,” and he stood up and left.
I knew he would be difficult, but I didn’t expect him to take it as severely as he did. We were supposed to watch the 10 o’clock news together that day, but he didn’t come out of his room.
The next day was church, and I refused to wake up on time. At around 7:30 a.m., my mum knocked on my room door to tell me it was time to leave. I ignored her. She came two more times until my dad showed up. He was so angry, he kept screaming at me, and I shouted back. We’d never been like that before. Our temper was usually reserved for other people, but that day? We let each other have it.
Angela: It was. After we finished shouting at each other, he told me he didn’t want to see me in his house when he returned from church, and that his house won’t be a den for immoral people.
I’d lived in that house for 25 years, and he suddenly kicked me out because I didn’t want to attend church. A part of me didn’t want to leave because, at first, I thought he was bluffing. But nobody knew my dad better than me, so I knew he was dead serious.
So you left?
Angela: Before they came back from church, I’d packed whatever belongings I felt mattered into my car and driven to my friend’s house. I dropped their key for them. My mum called me a lot that day. When I refused to answer, she started calling my siblings. They told me I shouldn’t have left and begged me to return. But my dad didn’t call, and I didn’t either.
Even though I was annoyed by their decision, I got them a cleaner who’d stay in the house 24/7 because I still didn’t want them to live alone.
Wow. Did he ever reach out?
Angela: No. I’d call my mum and speak to the cleaner, but he never talked to me. Initially, I would ask them to put him on the call, but he never agreed. Then, I stopped asking. One day, my mum called me to say he’d been rushed to the hospital, that he woke up and wasn’t breathing correctly. He’d had COVID the year before, and apparently, it did some significant damage to his lungs.
My other siblings were out of the country, so I was the only one keeping shifts in the clinic. I’d sleep on an uncomfortable chair and cry every day because, even though I hated his guts for throwing me out, he was still my dad. When he eventually got better, he still refused to talk to me directly. I was so annoyed because he didn’t even say he was sorry or tell me thank you.
I think that was when I realised I’d lost my dad. My mum says he misses me, but is proud, but I don’t care anymore. If he’d rather have a Christian than a daughter, then so be it.
Does it piss you off when your partner snores like a small generator? Or are you absolutely irritated when your partner starts dancing legwork in the club? This quiz knows what gives you the ick in relationships and we’ll expose you.
Since your chances of finding boo in a typical Nollywood boy-jams-girl-on-the-road-and-they-fall-in-love style is practically zero (because you’ll never actually leave your house), you might as well make sure your online dating game is watertight.
Add these conversation starters to your arsenal and thank me with anything — except puff-puff, ew.
“Let’s hate Nigeria together”
A mutual dislike for Nigeria + japa plans = Happily ever after.
“What’s the worst opening line you’ve ever received?”
This could be a fun way to start a conversation around bizarre opening lines, plus you also get expo on things they don’t want to hear. PS: This may only work if the receiver already likes you.
You must have seen this coming. What better way is there to catch someone’s attention? But be careful o. If you try this without any money in your account, sorry is your name.
“If you could change cities, where would you go?”
Bonus points if they live in Lagos, because they’ll definitely be traumatised and ready to unload all the ways the city is killing them.
“Are you fuel? ‘Cause your type is hard to find”
They’ll either find you funny and want to keep talking or they’ll air you till infinity.
Use this for the ones that put “sapiosexual” on their bio. They’re the ones looking for stimulating conversation.
“I want to free you from capitalism”
It’s lowkey giving “come and be a house husband/wife” but at this point in my life, even I am open to it. Take care of me, boo.
“Wizkid’s Made in Lagos didn’t deserve album of the year”
Tell them that the Headies made a mistake and they’ll either come violently for you or agree with you. Either way, you’ll get a response and you can tell them how much you want to suck face with them.
“Plantain is bottom-barrel”
Again, a terrible opinion but it’ll catch attention because they’ll want to know why you have such rubbish taste.
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
This week’s Sunken Ships subject, Angela*, talks about how her relationship with Tito* was built on arbitrary decisions. Throw in their age difference, recklessness, Angela’s fear of breaking Tito’s heart, and some ghosting; we have a Sunken Ship.
How did the both of you meet?
Angela: I’ve known Tito for exactly one year. We met on a random evening when my roommate and I were trying to buy some food for dinner. At the shop, we saw a friend with someone I’d never met before. So, we got introduced.
When we all got what we needed, I followed Tito and my friend back to their house. Rain was falling, but my roommate and I had drank a little, so I was feeling impulsive. Plus, their street wasn’t too far from where I lived, so if I changed my mind halfway, I could go back home with minimal effort.
The major reason I followed them home was because I wanted to talk to Tito. She looked so cool with her piercings and partly shaved head. She seemed like someone I’d get along great with, and it wasn’t a complete lie. By the time I was leaving their place though, she’d barely said a single word to me.
That sucks
Angela: The only time Tito spoke to me was when she asked for my snap. So every day since I left their place, she kept sending me snaps. Low-key, I was annoyed because, why didn’t she talk to me? What was I using her snaps to do? I eventually started replying out of boredom, and we got a snap streak going.
The next time we met was about two weeks after. It was at a party, and she was walking around with my friend because she’d drunk a lot and needed someone to watch over her. I think she was actually fine but thought my friend was attractive. Knowing Tito now, that’s the kind of stunt she’d pull.
Anyways, my friend and I ended up watching over Tito, and as the night went on, we danced together a bunch of times. Then, we kissed. There had been no discussion beforehand, but I blamed the alcohol, music and my loneliness. I shouldn’t have done it because we didn’t know each other, and we were in public, but I did it anyway.
Angela: We both went to our separate houses. It’s not like I’d fall in love with someone because of one kiss. We’d barely spoken more than three sentences to each other. She was just a mutual friend I kept a snap streak with.
Then?
Angela: Another two weeks later, she sent me a message that they were around where I stayed and wanted to say hi. I was bored and needed some company, so I agreed.
We talked alone for hours about everything from life to exes, school, work, money, etc. Having her alone made me realise how fun she is, and we didn’t realise it was getting late. They were about to lock my gate, so in the spirit of randomness, I asked her to stay. She did. She never left.
What d’you mean she never left?
Angela: Okay, she did leave and I’m being a bit dramatic, but she only left to shower and change clothes. It became a thing. She’d come to my room every night, we’d go on a long walk together, and she’d sleep over. Then, I got her a sponge, amongst other things, and she brought some of her clothes. That’s how she moved in with me.
You’re joking. Very Abuja-man behaviour
Angela: Everything about Tito and I’s friendship was random. Us sleeping together and with the same people, us living together, etc., was just a combination of random decisions and love.
Love?
Angela: Our falling in love was bound to happen. None of our friends were surprised when we told them. She’s kind, sweet, funny, caring, protective and reckless. A stellar combination that’d knock the socks off of any woman, and I realised how lucky I was to have her.
I don’t take care of myself a lot. Instead, I focus all that energy on caring for other people, but Tito brought me back to myself. She helped me be selfish and cared for me when I was too tired to take care of myself. She loved me and worshipped the ground I walked on. I was in my princess era with her.
Angela: She’s a year and some months younger than me. Now, it’s not illegal because we met when I was 20, and she was 18, but the age difference bothered me a lot. A whole lot.
It seemed like we were at completely different stages in life. I was rounding up university, and she was in her second year. I had a job, and she did a bunch of not completely legal things like dabbling in fraud and helping people move drugs around.
I’d say some things to her, and she wouldn’t get it, and it’ll make me realise how different we were. It didn’t allow me to take her seriously a lot of times. I’d only ever been with women older than me. This was different and not entirely in a good way.
Was it just the age?
Angela: It felt like she didn’t take life as seriously as I did. It’s okay to have a little fun once in a while, but it seemed like she always wanted to have fun. There were situations you’d expect her to be serious, but she never was. It was exasperating, and I constantly felt like a terrible person for reminding her she had to take things seriously.
I’d battle the guilt, we’d argue, have fantastic sex, and we’d try to move on. But the same issue will come up again. I was tired, and I didn’t realise how much until school closed because of the strike in February.
Angela: We don’t see each other anymore because we live in different states. She called a lot, but I started finding the calls annoying. I got a job, and she’d be calling me in the middle of a meeting or while I’m trying to cook or do some housework.
I found myself avoiding her calls a lot, which led to me ignoring her in general. I wasn’t replying messages or keeping in touch. She started dating someone, and her girlfriend tried to reach out to me. We were all friends so it wasn’t shocking, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t start ignoring her on purpose.
I’ve never broken anyone’s heart before, and I’ve never wanted to because I don’t like when I get my own heart broken. But I realised not talking to her meant I was breaking her heart. Yet I don’t know what to say to her or how to say it.
Would you ever talk to her again?
Angela: Yes, but I plan to put it off for as long as possible. I’ve not figured out the words or how to say. She loves me a lot, and it’ll hurt to tell her all these things. I’m low-key hoping she’d read this and get some closure. I’m a coward who does terribly with confrontation.
What about when school resumes?
Angela: It’ll be very awkward. I don’t even want to think about that, but I’ll try my hardest to avoid her. She has a key to my room and can take her stuff when I’m not there. So it’ll be easier for her to move on if she hates me. I’m okay with that.
Do you still love her?
Angela: Yes, I do. But love isn’t enough. I need security, assurance and someone who takes life as seriously as I do. I can’t get that from her, and that’s okay.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
The subjects of this week’s Love Life are Frank*, 56, and Enobong*, 51. They talk about dating for six years, navigating long-distance in a time without phones and being married for 23 years.
What’s your earliest memory of each other
Frank: I had an office in Ikeja beneath a computer school, and the day she came to register, she said hi to me. We went to the same university back in Calabar, so it was nice to see a familiar face.
Enobong: I was 22 and trying to be useful during holidays, so I enrolled at a computer class. The first day we had a conversation, I mentioned I was going to the market after computer classes. He told me to buy something for him from the market, and I did. I didn’t know what to buy, so I bought him a handkerchief.
Frank: I didn’t think she would buy it. I just said it to continue the conversation.
How did you realise you liked each other?
Enobong: Well, at that time, there was some other person I was talking to. But when I went to visit him one day, he did something that made me realise I didn’t want a relationship with him. I thought, “Frank wouldn’t hurt me like that.” That’s how I realised I genuinely liked him.
Frank: So I was a rebound?
Enobong: Something like that, yes.
Frank: Wow. Well, I realised I liked her when I tried to make her jealous. I had this female friend who came to write exams but was resting in my office. I told the friend to help me gauge Eno’s reaction when she sees me taking her to lunch. As I realised I cared about her reaction, I knew just how much I felt for her.
Enobong: Yes now. She was a very pretty girl, and I knew they were close friends. I thought he would go for her over me, but here we are.
Frank: I didn’t even know she was jealous because she never acted on it. She’s never been one for drama.
And how did that progress to dating?
Enobong: Honestly, I don’t remember. I know I started talking to him every day. Before or after the computer classes start, I’d pop into his office to talk.
Frank: Well, we would talk like that for the duration of the computer training period. Then one day, I told her I wanted us to be friends.
Enobong: I remember wondering what he meant. Weren’t we friends? We’d been talking almost every day for a year.
Frank: I liked her a lot and wanted us to be friends. I wanted to know where the feelings would take us.
What was dating like?
Enobong: Well, we saw each other as often as we could because, when the holiday ended, I went back to school in Calabar while he stayed in Lagos. There were no phones then, so we only wrote letters to one another.
Frank: Sometimes, she wouldn’t get my letters, so it was only the love I had for her that kept me going. I’m an architect, and sometimes, I’d get jobs in Calabar, so we’d hangout once or twice during the school year. But asides from that, nothing till the holidays.
How did you people cope?
Enobong: I was busy with school and church, so I didn’t even have the energy to entertain anything else.
Frank: When you love someone, it occupies your mind. My thoughts were filled with her, and I couldn’t think of anyone else. I knew I wanted to marry her, but she was still in school. We decided to wait until she was done with her NYSC.
Funny enough, I’d sworn I would never date anyone who’s still in school because they wouldn’t be faithful to me. But if I’d already broken one rule, waiting for her to finish was something else I could do.
After she was done with NYSC, which was about six years after we started dating, I proposed to her during a get-together at my cousin’s house. I told everyone I had an announcement to make, and I asked her to marry me.
Enobong: I was shocked because I didn’t know he’d planned it, but I’d made up my mind that if I looked for a job for a year and didn’t find one, I’d get married. I loved him enough to marry him immediately, but I wanted to find a job first. When I didn’t, I decided to go ahead with the wedding.
How was that like?
Enobong: My family liked him, but they initially thought I was rushing into it because they didn’t know we’d dated that long. Once I cleared the air with them, they were no longer worried about it. They also thought I should’ve gotten a job first.
Frank: The only problem we could’ve had was that she comes from a very rich family. Me, not so much. My dad had just died, and I was caring for my siblings.
I’m lucky she wasn’t one for extravagance, but I still took it as a challenge upon myself. I wanted to make her happy always. It might be with something small like coming back home with a gift for her, her favourite biscuits, but it’s important she’s happy.
God when? What was it like after the wedding?
Enobong: The year we got married, we had our first child. I don’t think anything about us changed. We were just a couple with a child.
Frank: We prayed a lot and knew this was the path God was leading us to, so we never deterred. Anything that came across as a challenge, we took it to God. We promised ourselves early on that we wouldn’t bring other people into our relationship. It was just us and God.
Enobong: We have three children we love very dearly.
Frank: Having children made us love each other more. These were the products of the love we shared.
Enobong: Children bind you to a person, and ours bound me to someone I love.
What’s something about marriage that you realised the older you got?
Frank: Marriage is about working on it. Nobody can say they have it 100%. You started out as strangers, and now, you’re making a life together. There’ll be bumps, but you’ve made the decision to stay together, so you must work on it. You navigate your differences and try to understand.
When we had our third child, there were some complications with the birth and we argued about it for a while. How much rest she was taking and how little she needed to work, but we worked it out.
Enobong: You may have a plan for yourself and the place you want to be at a certain point after being married, but you might not get there. That’s why love is important.
Also, living with someone is much different than dating them. I didn’t know this man was messy. He leaves nylons and food wrappers everywhere.
Frank: It’s not that bad. She’s exaggerating.
Any challenges?
Enobong: He’s messy.
Frank: She’s always saying, “I don’t know,” when I ask her questions. How can she not know? I want to make her happy all the time, but I don’t think I have the capacity for it. I try my best though.
Enobong: You do.
On a scale of 1-10, rate your love life
Frank: An 8. If it were a 10/10, it’ll no longer be a human relationship. We still have our shortcomings, but we care about each other greatly.
Enobong: 8.5 because we understand each other. We try our best.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
Photo by Good Faces on Unsplash
This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 23-year-old Nigerian woman. She tells us about discovering her feminism, pansexuality and atheism through books while living with her close-knit conservative family.
What’s something about your life that makes you happy?
I’m enjoying being single right now. I don’t have commitments to anybody, and I don’t need to make weird decisions based on what society expects in relationships.
My last serious relationship was in 2018 when I was in year two at university. Right after that, I got into a toxic and demeaning situationship with an older guy, that went really bad. I was 19, and he was manipulative, so it was difficult to get out of it. Those two years were a character development phase for me, and I’ve only been in situationships since then.
Since the first situationship was so toxic, why did you enter more of them?
I’m scared of being in a proper relationship. And this is because I just don’t like most of the people who’ve approached me, or they’re misogynists. Or I don’t like them because they’re misogynists.
How do you know they’re misogynists right away?
Through conversation? The last time I met someone who wanted to be in a relationship with me, we had a very telling conversation. And I have some red flags that make knowing easier for me. One of them is if you’re anti-LGBTQ.
For me, feminism and freedom of sexual and gender identity are inseparable. If you claim to be a feminist man, you need to understand people can make choices on who their partner should be too. When you meet some men, they’ll say, “I’m a feminist, but….” Just know the ‘but’ will reveal how they’re not feminists because they’ll give an excuse. It’ll be “but you should understand….”
No, I want someone who understands the basics of equality.
And the guy you met?
He wasn’t LGBTQ. He said, “I don’t have a problem with them, but….” He might as well have said, “I’m a feminist, but….” Apart from that, he randomly asked me, “Do you know how to cook?” I said no, and he was like, “It’s a lie because if you grew up in an African home, every mother teaches their daughter how to cook”.
He started talking about how he knows it’s not compulsory, but he thinks a woman should know how to cook. Meanwhile, he didn’t know how because his mom didn’t teach him, and his daddy didn’t like men entering the kitchen. He was obviously not a feminist. That turned me off immediately.
Understandable. So how do these casual relationships work?
I’m a fool because I expect exclusivity in them. I think it’s the boyfriend-girlfriend tag I don’t want. I just want a go-to person I can see regularly, who’s not my boyfriend. And I’m terrible at casual relationships for someone who always finds a way to enter them because I always end up catching feelings.
There’s no avoiding those, I fear
I know. In my last situationship, the person was my G. We were just friends who started liking each other, and something happened. I was scared he would want something serious after that, so I told him I didn‘t want us to continue since I wasn’t ready for that. He assured me he didn’t want anything, and that’s when I caught feelings.
This only ever happens when I know the other person is not interested. Once it looks like the person likes me back, I run away. I don’t even know what my problem is, but I’m not interested in any kind of dating right now. And of all the new people I’ve met, none of them is giving.
What was growing up like for you, considering your progressive beliefs?
First of all, from JSS 1, my parents sent me off to boarding school, and I hated all the flogging and shouting there. But back home on holidays, my family was pretty close. Like most girls in the average Nigerian family, I was an omo get inside. I wasn’t allowed to go out. Once I’m home for even a midterm break, I’m locked in. I wasn’t allowed to attend my friends’ birthday parties. I wasn’t even given a phone until after I graduated from secondary school.
This is probably why I prefer to stay indoors now; I’m so used to it. I was always monitored, and I was never given a reason why. I got no allowance, so I couldn’t even sneak out, and if I was caught outside, I’d be flogged. It was just my siblings and me, reading books and watching TV indoors, all day every day, while our parents went to work. My mom would usually be home earlier than my dad; he was hardly available except on Sundays and some Saturdays. So I wasn’t comfortable with him because he was like a guest in our home.
Were you religious like the average Nigerian family?
Yes. We went to church every Sunday and for some weekday services too. When I was younger, we attended MFM, so we would always go to camp. Then we moved to Redeem and continued the trend. We never missed crossover services in particular.
We always had to go to church to cross over into the New Year and have the pastors pray over water and oil to rub on our heads. My parents would always remind us that God doesn’t like this and that, you’re supposed to do this as a child, and this is a sin.
And how did you feel about all that?
It felt normal, actually. I mean, I didn’t know any other way. And it wasn’t in my face that we were religious or my parents were restrictive. I enjoyed some things about my childhood. Like, on Saturdays, my dad would take us to the tennis club. On Sundays, we would go to restaurants.
We went to Apapa Amusement Park a lot because my dad worked in Apapa. We also visited my extended families, and I enjoyed seeing my cousins and gisting with them. Every December 25, my parents threw Christmas parties, inviting our extended family, and my cousins would stay over for a week or two. I enjoyed that a lot.
So I’m curious. How did you go from this everyday Nigerian daughter to having the strong beliefs you have now?
It started with feminism. When I was 17, and in secondary school, I read Chimamanda’s book, We Should All Be Feminists. I liked her definition of feminism and understood why ‘We Should All Be Feminists’. Growing up, I remember feeling cheated when I heard men say you’re supposed to do this and that.
I think every woman has some gender rules they’re uncomfortable with, but they’ve just gotten used to them. They’d say things like, “What can I do? It’s a woman’s place.” Early on, I decided I wouldn’t accept it. Feminism formed my understanding of the LGBTQ community and also led me to atheism.
In university, I studied sociology and learnt that society shapes who we are. The kind of family we come from, the environment we grew up in, the religion we were born into and the type of school we went to, all shape us. People aren’t a certain way because they were born like that; society shapes them. People are different because of how they grew up and the values they picked up as children and adults.
If that’s true, why didn’t you remain conservative as your family shaped you to be?
Family is the primary agent of socialisation, but my family sent me to boarding school.
I learnt a lot through books I read in the hostel and when my parents locked me up at home. We Should All Be Feminists was probably the first non-children’s book I read. Then A Woman Is No Man by Etaf Rum, and another Chimamanda book, The Thing Around Your Neck, which spoke about how the British colonised us through religion. It’s one of the vital moments I’ve had when I started asking questions about religion. Why didn’t God help black people when they were mistreated?
Then, I started Googling things. I found out the Bible contained more chapters, and the King James Version was shortened by an actual King James; a British King. I learnt that Christianity was infused with politics; the church was the state, so they made religious decisions and wrote their version of the Bible to take advantage of people.
That must’ve been a lot to discover so young. How did you process it?
As a sociologist, you ask questions like, is this book objective? And you find out there’s no book in the world that’s objective. The Bible is an account of people, their ways of life and the ideologies of society in those ancient times. When I read the Bible in secondary school, it was like it was against humanity and was meant to subjugate women.
People give their different interpretations of it — “No, it means you should love” — but it’s clear with words like ‘submission’, ‘subjugation’, ‘a woman should not climb the pulpit’, ‘she should not preach’. At that time, I wasn’t even an atheist. I just thought the Bible was ancient, and the people in it were practising the culture of their time. Times have changed, we’re civilised, so we’re not supposed to follow what happened then.
But as I read more and more about how women were not allowed to go to the market during their period because they were considered dirty, and in the New Testament, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John have different accounts of Jesus’ life, I realised the Bible is different people’s biased perspectives. I was about 20 years old when I decided I won’t take directions from it anymore.
Big decision
Yes, but it was strangely an easy one to make knowing the things I knew. I went to the root of Christianity and how it came from older religions, read about the evolution of religion itself and about our own gods. Then I formed a theory that maybe God exists; people just serve him in different ways because we’re from different societies.
When I read how Chinua Achebe and Chimamanda wrote about traditional prayer in the olden days, it’s similar to how Christians pray now. So when I see Nigerian Christians pray, I’m like, “You’re just praying to a foreign God.”
So why did you become an atheist instead of a traditionalist?
Because I realised nobody’s coming to save you.
There were points in my life when I was really down. I was in a toxic relationship, like I mentioned earlier, I was so young, and it was terrible for me. My self-esteem had gone to shit, and I felt very bad about myself.
I prayed and I cried, and nothing happened. Just looking back at my life, secondary school, primary school, I’ve had times when I pray to God for things, and when nothing happened, I’d just say maybe it’s not God’s will. And I realised we keep on making excuses for him.
How did you realise this exactly?
When I was in SS 1, they kidnapped the Chibok girls. I heard the news, fasted and prayed with so much faith because I believed faith could move mountains. I had so much faith that if I fasted as a child, something miraculous would happen, and the girls would be released.
But you know how the story went. Was it that God didn’t want it to happen? Was it not God’s will for the girls to be released? Since I started taking control of my life and decisions, it’s felt better not to hope for miraculous things. There’s nobody out there coming to save or help you.
And now, you no longer believe he exists?
My atheism is still evolving. Sometimes, I think he exists, but I’m just angry at him. Terrible things are happening in the world, and he’s not doing anything. I wonder why. People are getting killed. Girls are getting abducted, raped. Women are being treated anyhow, and good people suffer a lot in the world. In the Bible, they’ll tell you this is the reason. Sometimes, they’ll just tell you to do things without giving any reason, and I just can’t live like that.
These days, I’m also discovering things about the universe, how it’s much bigger than our Milky Way. I think the universe is too big for one person to control. I also don’t believe there’s heaven or hell. I’d rather just be on my own, make my own decisions, live my life the way I want and just be kind to people.
As for feminism, was there a defining moment that made what you read about in books more personal?
My earliest memory of feeling violated as a woman was in secondary school, even though I didn’t think of it deeply at the time or relate it to feminism. I was walking on the road with my friend, and this man tapped me to ask for my number. I said no. He was a much older man, and I think he was drunk. He was drinking pure water, and he just threw it at me.
I was very scared because I couldn’t confront him. I thought he would beat me. Things like that make me very sad. I’ve been groped on the road once before. And you just go to one corner and cry because you can’t do anything about it, especially when you’re young. I was sexualised a lot, growing up.
I’m so sorry
I’ve also seen it happen to others. One time during NYSC, a female flagbearer was marching, and because of the way she moved, a guy just shouted that she’ll know how to do doggy very well. It just gets to me when boys make rude comments about girls and their bodies, especially dismissively.
One other time, we were doing inter-house sports in secondary school, and a boy made a comment about a girl’s body, that her big bum bum was making her float. I don’t understand why people talk about women like that. It feels weird and wrong, and it makes me upset.
Did you talk about it to your mum or someone close?
No. I’m constantly fighting in my house sef because I have a younger brother who has a free pass to do whatever he wants, and I don’t. Growing up, my brother could go out and visit friends. But my sister and I were always locked inside and constantly harrassed with, “Where are you coming from? Where are you going to? Who are you talking to? Bring your phone.”
One time, my dad checked my phone and saw a text from a guy, and he was very angry. We were always monitored, but my brother didn’t go through that kind of vigorous training. Till now, I’ll be working, and they’ll tell me to go to the kitchen, while my brother is sleeping.
Do you push back? What’s your parents’ reaction to that?
They’re always angry, especially my mom, who feels she’s training me to be a woman. I tell them I don’t like it, and I’m not going to change. The only thing I can do is rebel and fight it. My dad, at one point, said my brother is not supposed to wash plates because he has sisters. I told him, “No, it’s not possible. He’s eating, so he has to wash it.” Sometimes, I’m sad because I’m tired of fighting. I just can’t wait to make money and get my own place, but for now, I’m a struggling youth corper.
And do these fights work to change their mindset at all?
Nope. Sometimes, they’re just tired and they let me be. But of course, their mindsets don’t change at all. My dad is a misogynist, and my mum is a patriarchy princess.
What about your brother?
He’s 20 now and is constantly told the reason he doesn’t have to do certain things is because a woman will do it for him, so he can just rest. And he believes it; he’s enjoying that male privilege. I try to have conversations with him, but his mindset is forming. Sometimes, my dad would say something like, “she’s just talking her feminism talk,” and they’d both laugh at me.
Even my sister who’s 24 isn’t a feminist. She says the double standard is wrong but still says feminism is extreme. I just think she couldn’t be bothered to fight or struggle over the injustice. She’s decided to go with what society dictates because she fears the repercussions and backlash. I’m always ready for the backlash.
How did your interest in the LGBTQ community come in?
It works hand in hand with feminism for me. I’ve always been pretty open-minded, so I’ve always just believed in people’s freedom of choice. I’m pansexual myself.
How did you discover your sexuality?
In 2019, I kissed a woman during a game of truth or dare, and I liked it. I’ve never been in a relationship with one, but I now know it’s something I would consider. The experience made me realise my attraction isn’t limited to gender because I’m still very much attracted to men.
How do your parents feel about your atheism and pansexuality?
My mom is always praying. I’m always fighting with her because I’m not the average Naija babe who’s looking for husband and hoping to be a good wife. I’m very vocal about my beliefs. And they just look at me as this weird Gen Z babe.
My dad keeps advising me that my beliefs are wrong; he takes a chilled approach. I can tell they don’t want to scare me off and lose me to the ‘devil’ for good, but my parents no longer force me to go to church. They’ve gotten used to it.
How has being an atheist, in particular, affected your friendships?
Well, first off, I lost a close friend because of it. She became very Christian at the same time I became an atheist. I’m still trying to get over it, but she’s moved on. Anytime I see her posts with other friends, I get really sad, I feel like crying. Towards the end, we fought a lot, and I would tell her it was because of our differing beliefs, but she’d deny it. I wanted to keep the friendship so bad I even compromised and started following her to church, but in the end, I still lost her.
How did you two form such strong differing beliefs despite being so close?
It was during the COVID-19 lockdown. It was a very mentally stressful time for everybody. So while I was reading books, she was getting closer to God.
Do you have friends who share your atheist views?
I have one friend who does. And he even helped me strengthen my atheism. Before, I just had these thoughts in my head, but I was surrounded by Christians so I couldn’t really express it because no one could relate. He could relate, and we had so many conversations in which we exchanged ideas. I asked him questions and we would Google stuff together.
You know when you’re in the closet and you meet other people who’ve come out of it? My other friends say he changed me, but I had these thoughts way before I met him. He was also the close friend I had a situationship with and ended up catching feelings. Now, we’re just friends.
Does it get lonely having fewer friends and not being close to your family because of your beliefs?
Yes, actually. Sometimes, it does. I haven’t seen my friends in a long time, and my closest friend doesn’t care about me anymore. But I don’t think I’m lonely because I’m an atheist or feminist. I think it’s because I’m terrible at socialising.
Breakfast only comes to those who catch feelings, so we’re here to tell you why you should hate on love at all costs.
Stay guiding.
Love will make you ignore red flags
You start catching feelings for someone, and suddenly, huge red flags like how they like eating semo won’t matter to you anymore. We’ll warn you but we know you won’t listen. So whatever you see, just take it like that.
Love will eat your money
In the words of the ever-wise lyricist and philosopher Portable, “Make money before you love.”
He didn’t lie, because debit alerts just start chasing you left, right, front and back, once you catch feelings. This is how you’ll look by the third month of choosing love:
You’ll become a mumu
We can make the argument that you only caught feelings in the first place because you’re a mumu. But brace yourself. It’ll only get worse. One day, you’ll wake up and be confused as to why you’re sending them PDF-length texts at 10 p.m. on a Monday night when you should be recovering from capitalism.
Your things will know no safety
Shirts, shorts, sweaters, skin care products, jewellery — nothing, no one is safe. They’ll steal everything.
You have to kiss your personal space goodbye
There’s no “person” in relationship. Only relationship. Your personal space is now their personal space.
Imagine the kind of fights you used to have when you were in primary two, but then pick the pettiest of those. Yes, you get the idea now. Imagine fighting over why someone replied to a message late or liked someone else’s picture on Instagram. This is 2022 please, there are bigger issues. Love should stay in one place.
You’ll worry about them every time
You haven’t eaten yourself but you’ll still be asking ridiculous questions like, “Have you eaten? Are you awake? Are you asleep?” Focus on yourself, please. Charity begins at home.
You have to indulge their interests
Imagine watching football with your partner because you want to console them after Manchester United loses, even though you don’t give a shit about football. Or listening to them rant about a K-drama show when you’ll rather be sleeping, even though this is the tenth movie with the same storyline.
You’ll marry them and (probably) have kids
So you mean the reward for all these fights and stress is to have a bunch of tiny humans who won’t stop fighting themselves and causing you more stress? Get out of here, please.
Many things can go wrong on a first date: the waiter can turn out to be your ex who then “mistakenly” pours gbegiri on your shoe, or the beans you ate for breakfast decides to show itself. But unless you want to really test your village people, don’t wear any of these things.
Your work T-shirt
Unless you work with a tech company, in which case, feel free to let everyone know that your pocket is nobody’s mate. Purr.
Sunglasses
Unless the date is directly under the sun, what exactly are you trying to hide? Imagine telling a joke and not knowing if the other person likes it because you can’t read their expression.
Imagine you then run into the owner’s ex and they get triggered at the sight of the jeans that Amaka never returned.
Hoodies
This one is for the guys. If that hoodie is still in your possession at the end of the night, then Nigeria is the new Canada.
Bodycon dresses
Especially if you’ll be eating during the date, ladies. You wouldn’t want to be limited by ordinary cloth. Except you don’t mind looking six months pregnant, in which case, go off and do you, sis.
Oud perfume
Please, just don’t do it. We are tired. Sincerely, everybody.
Your wedding ring
We’re definitely not looking at men from a certain pepper-loving Nigerian tribe.
When you get your heart broken, you’re convinced no pain on Earth can compete with how you feel. Sure, your heart feels like it’s been stabbed every time you take a deep breath, but trust us, there’s worse pain.
Missing your flight
You’d never physically and financially recover from this. Every time you’re broke, you’ll remember you paid money for a flight you could’ve caught if you were just a bit earlier. The pain will be engraved on your mind for as long as you live.
Having hot coffee spilt on you
If it’s a really hot cup of coffee, you might get third-degree burns. Exactly.
You decide to take a stupid walk for your mental health, and midway, you decide to listen to some nice music. That’s when you realise you left your headphones at home. The silence is so loud you feel shame and disgust. The walk ends up making your mental health even worse.
Ripping your dress in public
You’re feeling yourself and showing off your latest dance moves when your enemies decide to strike. Now, not only has whatever you’re wearing ripped, but you also remember you didn’t wear underwear that day.
You’ve had a long day at work and you’re about to settle down to a hot plate of jollof rice with two pieces of meat. But once again, your village people take your joy personally and need to destroy it. How? By awakening your clumsy genes. Now, your jollof rice is all over the floor and your meat has rolled under your sofa, where you last saw your house rats hiding. You’re left hungry, angry and vengeful.
Your phone not charging overnight
On one of the few occasions the national grid hasn’t collapsed, you have light all through the night. You’re ecstatic because you have a long outing tomorrow and you need a full battery. By the time you wake up, your joy is short-lived. You forgot to put on the switch. Your phone? Dead. Power bank? Dead. Source of joy? Dead.
ATM swallowing your card
Life is hard enough, so why is an ATM becoming your biggest opp? And it’s your last 1k you wanted to withdraw. The Devil is working really hard.
If your love interest is a hard-core football fan, we’re sure you’ve considered this yourself already — do they actually love you as much as they love football?
Stop wasting time thinking about “what-ifs”, and let these signs tell you for sure.
They forget anniversaries, but not their GOAT’s birthday
Your boo: “I’m sorry I forgot our one-week anniversary.”
Also your boo: “Messi’s birthday is in 312 days!”
They love posting about their favourite club and players
But ask them to post you, and you’ll hear, “Babe, I’m protecting you from the world.”
They wear their club’s jerseys
But will they wear an outfit that has your face on it? Heck no.
They support Arsenal or Manchester United
Do you know the level of love and commitment required to support these clubs? No space in their heart to love you again.
They argue about football
Have you seen where fans argue about football? Does your partner display that same passion with you? You have your answer.
They cry when their team loses
Tell them, “It’s just a game,” and see if they won’t dump you in a heartbeat.
No date nights during Premier League
Just forget about it.
But wait
What if people could actually get rewarded for loving football? And no, we’re not talking about placing bets.
Join the Syarpa Fantasy Premier League and stand a chance to win fantastic cash prizes in this Premier League Season.
All you need to do:
Be a registered GetSyarpa user and join the Syarpa FPL.
Part of being in the streets is flirting with the idea of leaving and finding love, but never really doing it. If you’ve been saying “God when” since God-knows-when, come and catch your sub here.
But the moment you experience any of these nine things, know that your streets days are numbered.
You keep catching the bouquet at wedding parties
This should be your cue that it’s time to bounce. If you don’t leave the streets after catching at least three bouquets, whatever you see, just take it like that.
You cringe at romantic videos
If you ever feel like slapping the people in romantic videos, then maybe it’s because it’s biting your body and you can’t wait for somebody’s son to find you.
Your friends keep tagging you on posts about single people
But you shrug it off because that’s just the cost of keeping your peace of mind.
You keep saying “God when” to every love story you hear
Even when you know fully well that you’re the one doing this to yourself.
You’ve stopped saying “God When” because you know God has blocked you
Even God is tired of hearing your “God when” all the time.
You’re losing your touch, fam. You’ve done your part and it’s time to retire from the streets.
Your talking stages start lasting longer
Have you forgotten the “no commitments” rule? You don dey lose focus. Shey breakfast no dey fear you?
There’s no one left to go to the club with
Most of your folks are getting comfy with their partners but you’re outside with the last two remaining members of your crew, screaming, “We outside!” at 2 a.m.
When you finally take our advice and leave the streets for good
We’re not saying you won’t be back, but at least rest a little.
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Chioma* and Blessing* have been friends for seven years. They met in university and remained by each other’s side long after. However, in 2020, Blessing became obsessed with leaving the country, and she eventually succeeded in 2021. Now, Chioma feels the distance has strained her relationship with her soulmate. Here’s her story:
Chioma: Blessing* and I have been friends for at least seven years. We were roommates in our third year in 2015 and for the first couple of weeks didn’t speak to each other besides the occasional hi or hello. Then one day, after her class, she came to the room and saw me crying because one foolish boy broke my heart. That day, she got lunch for the two of us and listened to me as I shouted different variations of “God will punish this boy”.
She held me, and I used tears and catarrh to stain her shirt, but she never complained. That was such a big act of kindness for me. When I eventually slept, she fetched the water I’d use to have my bath the next day and even gave me painkillers for my headache. From that moment, I knew I’d found someone I’d never leave alone.
We started doing everything together. We’d bathe, cook, study and party together. People joked that anywhere they saw her, they saw me. Some even thought we were a couple because of how close we were.
What was it like after university?
Chioma: After we both graduated in 2017, my dad helped us work out NYSC so we both served in Lagos state. It would’ve been easier to live together, but we wanted to avoid see finish. Plus, we wanted an excuse to miss each other.
That’s when we started our weekly hangout sessions. We’d either do them in person or over the phone, but we made sure to catch up once a week. During these sessions, we’d talk about how we’d eventually buy houses in the same estate so our children can grow up around each other and be best friends too.
Things got even better when after NYSC we both got good-paying jobs and started earning some big girl money. We could really spoil each other, and we did.
How did you spoil each other?
Chioma: Well, there were times she’d randomly send food to my office because I mentioned I’d skipped breakfast and was stuck in meetings. Or she’d drive to my office during her lunch break and demand I take mine to eat.
Then we’d buy each other random gifts because we could — jewellery, shoes, wigs, etc. She’d quote a dress with “I want”, on social media, and I’d buy it for her. I knew her shoe and dress size, and we’d been friends for so long, I could see something and know she’d like it.
She’d gift me spa vouchers, and I’d book her massage appointments. The friendship was great before, but with money? It was even greater. We even went on trips to other African countries together.
Chioma: We told any guy who was remotely interested in either of us that we’re a package deal. You date her, you date me and vice versa. We were stuck at the hip. Maybe it’s because a failed relationship brought us together, but we always tried to never let relationships affect us.
There was a time I had a boyfriend who told me I was spending too much time with her. I broke up with him. Sure, there were other issues, but that was what tipped me over the edge. She’s my soulmate, and I told that to every single guy.
What changed?
Chioma: Nigeria. We’d talked about leaving the country to eventually settle somewhere, but we weren’t in a hurry. We kept sending each other links to jobs and scholarships, but genuinely, our heart was in this country. We didn’t want to go anywhere.
Then October 2020 happened, and we watched people lose their lives protesting for police reform. It broke something in her. She became obsessed with leaving the country. She was learning new courses and collecting certificates like Thanos with his rings. I tried my best to keep up with her but my funds got a bit tied up because my mother fell sick.
In 2021, she informed me she’d gotten a job that offered her residence in Canada. I was happy for her. Ecstatic, even. I knew how much she wanted it, but at the same time, I was scared of what it would mean for our friendship. She assured me we’d find time to keep in touch and continue our weekly catch-up sessions, but I was skeptical.
Were you right?
Chioma: For the first few weeks she was in Canada, she FaceTimed me about everything. The food she was eating, where she was eating it, the people she met, and sometimes, she’d even call me at work and we’d be each other’s background noise.
But when there’s a five-hour difference between you and your favourite person, calls like that become more and more difficult to have. By the time she wakes up in the morning and wants to call me while on her morning run, I’m already stuck in a meeting. When my meeting is done and I’m trying to reach her, she’s on her way to work. She tries to call me while I’m at work but I’m either driving somewhere or stuck in another meeting. When work closes and I try to call her, she has a meeting or is doing focused work.
By the time she eventually closes from work, it’s already night over her, and I’m getting ready to sleep and prepare for my commute to work again.
There was barely any time for us to just sit and talk. We were both so busy, it was unreal.
Chioma: It’s alright. It started to get really bad when the few times we did find a chance to have a conversation, there were so many things she’d say I didn’t understand. I was out of the loop of my best friend’s life and it was devastating.
We couldn’t go to parties together or just hangout. We tried Netflix watch parties and online dates, but they got fewer and fewer because she was spending time with the friends she made there. Or I was hanging out with my other friends in Nigeria.
What’s your relationship like now?
Chioma: Honestly, I don’t know. If you ask me what it is she’s doing, I won’t have an answer for you. We’ve not texted in three days now, and it’s so strange looking at the chat icon, knowing I won’t get a reply anytime soon.
I miss my best friend and the closeness we were able to maintain while we lived in the same state and time zone. It was easier to show up for one another when we could do it physically.
Do you have any plans to leave the country?
Chioma: Yes, I do. I keep trying to find jobs in Canada and some places have gotten back to me. But with the way this country keeps stressing me out, I just might take any country that’s willing to have me. I hate that my best friend and I may never be as close as we once were, and I blame Nigeria a hundred percent.
I miss her so much. I remember when, during one of the few times we spoke, she told me she hadn’t eaten. I cried a bit after because I realised I couldn’t just drop by her office and dump the lunch on her table. I couldn’t surprise her with soups during the weekend, and we couldn’t have our cute friendship dates. I miss her more than anything because I know it’ll never be the same way again. Even if I find a way for us to be in the same state in Canada, we might not be able to make up for the strain in our relationship. I just wish we could go back to the way things were before.
Every two market days, you read or watch videos of people complaining about the terrible dating scene. Everyone is disappointed they’re not being treated right. Yes, it’s annoying to put yourself out there repeatedly without getting the love you’re looking for. If everyone’s complaining, then who’re the people giving the streets a bad rep? Maybe we should start taking responsibility for the part we play in polluting the streets?
Game, set, match
A relationship is not a game. There’s no winner or set prize for whoever comes out of it unscathed. So, why do you treat it as one? Why do you calculate how many hours before you text or what to post on your story? Why are you so obsessed with playing people before you get played?
This game you’ve decided to play involves real people with real feelings and emotions. You’re choosing not to do too much, so the other party doesn’t think you‘re down bad, but why are you so afraid of someone knowing you care? If you think they will manipulate whatever emotions you feel for them, isn’t that a sign that you shouldn’t even be dealing with them in the first place? Just stay on your own and navigate life. Why stress another person’s child?
Do you know the past affects the present?
You’re trying to justify playing the “game” by stating how hurt you’ve been in the past. People have broken your heart, taken advantage of your kindness, made you feel less than you are, and that’s terrible. But until you’ve fully processed what happened to you and healed from it, it will affect every single relationship you try to enter. You will project actions and thoughts onto someone who has not even had the chance to declare their true intentions. It’s giving self-sabotage.
The carry-on luggage
This is someone you don’t like or even see a relationship with them happening, but you like the attention they give you. You like that you’re important to someone, but they’re not that important to you; so, you carry them along because it makes you feel special. Drop it.
You’re doing just enough to keep the person interested but not precisely what they need. It’s a cruel thing to do because nobody wants to be a second option. You don’t like when it’s done to you, so why are you doing it to someone else? Then when you eventually get tired of them — or they realise their self-worth — you’ve left someone broken, and that person will, in turn, break someone else.
You don’t talk about your feelings or how you wish to be cared for because you’re scared. You’re too hot-headed to listen to what your partner is saying because you’ve jumped to conclusions already. And you refuse to extend grace to the people you’re trying to get into a relationship with, just because they made one mistake.
Nobody’s perfect, especially not you. So why are you expecting perfection from someone trying their best with you? Sure some things shouldn’t be forgiven — any form of abuse is unacceptable, for example. But if your partner has not spoken to you all day, there could be a million reasons why. Try to find out, and if you don’t think the answer is good enough, then you can address it and work from there. Don’t just jump into assumptions.
You’re not the only prize
A lot of people enter into relationships thinking they’re the prize. Yes, you are, and you should never think you’re not. However, in relationships, there’s more than one prize. In as much as you want to be wined and dined, you have to put in the work as well. When did you last buy a gift for the person you’re doing talking stage with? When last did you send them a cute note on how much they mean to you? Are you putting as much effort as you demand?.
You’re too scared to jump
Falling in love is like jumping from a high place and hoping the person you’ve fallen in love with catches you. The place isn’t high enough to kill you, but may leave you bruised or broken. But you don’t want to jump. You’re too scared of being hurt, but you forget it’s a 50:50 chance. What if you get caught?
At the end of the day, you need to stop putting yourself in situations where you aren’t ready to commit. If there’s too much doubt in your heart, stay away from people for a while and work out why you can’t seem to trust anyone.
Maybe if we all took time to work on ourselves, we’d treat each other with a little more kindness, and the streets wouldn’t be as bad as it currently is.
Truth or Dare can be a really fun game if you don’t limit yourself to more-than-slightly annoying dares like, “I dare you to strip naked” and other horny teenager-like antics.
Has no one ever really considered the fact that this is the perfect game for when you want to know someone’s true intentions? You can even add a random lie detector to the mix and watch the truth flow — petition to add this to every politician’s manifesto? Anyway, I digress.
It’s good for you and your partner to have no secrets between each other, but it’s even better if these are the secrets you’re choosing to keep from them. Because these are secrets you should definitely tell your partner.
That you eat semo
Eating semo is a thing of shame and you should be too embarrassed to even eat it. Why then is that something that should be shared with a significant other? What if they stop loving you? Please, abeg.
How many slices of bread you can eat
Bread is the best thing ever and that’s why you don’t just divulge how much of it you can consume in a single sitting. It’s a spiritual journey and should be experienced by you and you alone. Take that secret to your grave.
We are embarrassed for you, and we’re sure anybody you’re dating will be too, if they find out. Save yourself the embarrassment and carry it to your grave.
What episode you’re watching in a TV show
Either they spoil it for you or they make you wait for them so they can catch up and you’d watch together. But they never catch up and you lose interest.
If you have pictures of yourself in “Ama Kip Kip” T-shirts
They’d never look at you the same way again. Because once they set their eyes on those pictures, they’d laugh as if they were sprayed with laughing gas.
If you’re ticklish
If they have this useful information, you’ll never win a pillow fight again. The moment you start to win, they’ll tickle you like they want to end your life. Protect yourself and stay guiding.
I love K-dramas because they usually have the most wholesome love stories, maybe it’s because Koreans really do get love. They build up tension that fills us fans with enough longing for two characters to be together even though we may not have enough romance in our lives. Here are my top eight favourite couples of all time from popular K-dramas.
Lee Ik Jun and Chae Song Hwa in Hospital Playlist
I love an excellent friend-to-lovers movie, and Hospital Playlist did not disappoint this couple. They’d been in love with each other since they were in college and it took him almost dying for her to tell him she loved him back. Their relationship was slow-paced, but I can’t even complain because their chemistry was insane.
The last thing I’d do in an apocalypse is fall in love, but these two made it work. Watching Yi Hyun risk his life to protect Sae Bom on several occasions shouldn’t be as cute as it was but it was. Of all the couples on this list, they deserve the best.
Yoon Hye Jin and Hong Doo Shik in Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha
Enemies to lovers trope? Inject it, please. Whenever they did anything romantic, my cheeks burned because, God, when? They were so tender with each other and willing to make hard decisions to make each other happy. Knowing that they are not a real couple breaks my heart every day.
Vincenzo and Hong Cha Young in Vincenzo
Forget that they didn’t end up together and focus on their chemistry. I’ve never seen a romantic pair as capable of so much chaos, as the both of them. They found a way to make us laugh with all their antics in a show that could easily have been too sad to watch.
Myul Mang and Tak Dong Kyung in Doom at Your Service
Imagine being the most negative and pessimistic person on earth, and the guy you like who is a god takes you back to your happiest memory just for fun. What a flex! How can we not stan? Their relationship was intense and heavy, but it was all worth rooting for them.
Kim Joo-won and Gil Ra-im in Secret Garden
This show is old but gold because, in the late 2000’s, female leads were constantly chasing after men that were mean to them. Kim Joo-won was pursuing Gil Ra-im. In the series, this man flew in a director to watch her perform just cause he wanted her to get a role she missed. He even tried to give up his inheritance to be with her. Their relationship is a 20/10 for me.
Ri Jeong-Hyeok and Yoon Se-Ri in Crash Landing On You
Do you know how insane you have to be as a North Korean soldier to hide and protect a South Korean who illegally enters your country? That, there, is romance. You know when your chemistry is so good, you fall in love and get married in real life? Exactly, there’s no need to talk too much.
Choi Ung and Kook Yeon-su in Our Beloved Summer
They started as lovers, became exes and then lovers again. They were both unwilling to open up to each other. Of course, they broke up. Years later, they realised they were still in love and decided to do everything right this time. Choi Ung and Kook yeon-su made my heart ache in the sweetest way possible, and everything about their relationship felt so real, if only they weren’t acting.
With all the rain that has been falling recently, I’m genuinely shocked people are still considering long distance relationships. Tunde, in this cold? Is your body not doing you like the rest of us?
For those of you stubborn men who want to date across state lines, here are a few tips from a former long distance relationship expert on how to make it work.
Have money
Sir, this one is very very important. You need money to surprise bae once in a while with either your presence or lunch from their favourite restaurant. You also need money for airtime and internet because your phone is about to become your second partner. Do you think all of this will work if you’re wallowing in poverty? Go back to the drawing board.
Invest in firewood
“Body no be firewood”, so maybe it’s time for you to buy a lot of actual firewood to keep yourself warm in the absence of your lover.
Attend every night virgil and revival in your area
Prayer is the key to everything — including a healthy long distance relationship. To protect what you love, my brother, you need to be prayerful. That speaking in tongues? Master it. That anointing oil? Buy it in bulk. Fight for your relationship in the spirit realm to make sure it lasts in the physical. Amen?
Read the news every day to prepare yourself for disappointment
To survive a long distance relationship, you need to understand that your relationship can end at any time. You need to catch up on Nigerian news daily, to practice how to handle the disappointment that is surely coming your way.
Small cheating here and there is not that bad
We are not saying cheat all the way, but a little bit of hanky panky on the low to sustain morale is not bad. By the way, who knows what your partner is doing where they’re staying? Just make sure you know how to cover your tracks.
You need to learn how to lie like a Nigerian politician
It’s just a coincidence that this point comes right after cheating. It’s not planned. But, yes, you need to adorn yourself with the cloak of lies to make sure your relationship lasts. The truth may set you free, but it can also pour sand in your relationship garri. But if Nigerian politicians can get away with barefaced lying every day, why do you feel someone will catch you?
Out of sight, out of mind. So if you want to constantly be in their sight and mind, you have to be the main character in their dreams. Simple maths.
Be prepared to ask, “What are you wearing?” 1,000 times in a month
Nine times out of ten, “What are you wearing?” is the question that will save your sex life in a long distance relationship. Don’t say I didn’t do anything for you.
Pluck out your eyes to avoid temptation
How will anyone seduce you when you can’t even see them? Your partner will understand that you did it for them, and love you regardless.
Be prepared to answer, “Where are you?” 1,000 times in a week
At some point in your relationship, “Where are you?” will replace “How are you?” and you need to make peace with that. This question is even worse when you’re with someone who doesn’t trust you. If you want your relationship to work, you need to become Google Maps that can tell exact locations in seconds. Good luck!
Buy sim cards from every network
If there’s one thing Nigerian network providers will do, it’s disgrace you. You need to have a lot of backup SIM cards in case your network is not glowing with pride or following you everywhere you go.
Know that heartbreak can come at any time (and prepare for it)
Some people can spot the red flags as soon as they start to pop up — reduced banter, avoiding calls, airing, etc, but for those that need relationship glasses, just prepare yourself for heartbreak in advance so you won’t be shocked when they say, “We need to talk.”
Avoid long distance relationships and know peace
Omo, a long distance relationship in the same city is dangerous, but you want to date someone in another city or state? You clearly like pain because it’ll end in hot tears.
Since the tweet arguments about who should wake up by the ungodly hour that is 8 a.m. to do chores have refused to end, we made this quiz to save you the stress. Take this quiz to find out what chore awaits you this weekend.
Pick all the chores you absolutely hate:
You got #{score}/#{total}
You don’t even do chores at home, why would you do them for your partner?
You got #{score}/#{total}
Chores aren’t your thing but this weekend you will sweep for love.
You got #{score}/#{total}
Just add caterer to your CV. you’re about to cook like your life depends on it
You got #{score}/#{total}
You will work ehn… LMAO! There’s no work you won’t do.
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