Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

How did you two meet?

Hajara: Usman and I first crossed paths during my university days in 2011. 

I was pursuing my degree in economics at the University of Abuja, and he was stationed at the Nnamdi Azikiwe Airport as an officer in the Nigerian Air Force (NAF) Base. Our first encounter was at a charity event the Air Force was hosting on campus.

Usman: I remember that day vividly. 

I was struck by Hajara’s warmth and dedication to the cause — medical missions to remote and under-served areas. She gave a speech on behalf of the students, and I just sat and watched with awe. Towards the end of the function, I asked another student I knew to introduce us. 

I found myself captivated by her intelligence and compassion.

Hajara: After that meeting, we began to see each other frequently as I started volunteering for some of NAF’s outreach programs. The first one I volunteered for was to a village in Kwali. Usman was overseeing logistics, and I was part of the team providing medical assistance. 

Working together in such a challenging environment brought us closer. I got to experience firsthand the impact the Air Force makes in people’s lives, and seeing Usman at the forefront of it made me admire him and his colleagues greatly.

When did you find out you liked each other?

Usman: She graduated in 2012 and served in the Air Force for her NYSC in 2013. During that time, I’d been transferred to Benin and back to Abuja in time to be with her at the NAF Base. I spent the time often checking in and spying on her. I even got close to her fellow corper and close friend then, just to feel close to her. 

At the time, I’d been seeing someone else for close to five years, but because of the effect Hajara had on me, I realised the relationship had grown stagnant. On the other hand, I was impressed by Hajara’s dedication and the way she connected with the local community. She had the ability to put people at ease and make them feel comfortable.

Hajara: After I passed out of NYSC, we started dating. I don’t know how it happened. He never asked me directly. We just started seeing each other, taking care of each other and attending functions together. Then, we got to know each other’s parents, and things were going strong. 

We were both in Abuja for over a year when Usman received orders for a deployment to Jos. It was strange that at the time, we’d never really discussed the fact that he could have missions anywhere in the world and have no choice but to go. His departure was a challenging time for us, but it made us realise how much we wanted to be together. 

We had a heartfelt conversation about our future, and it was during that time apart that we decided to take the plunge and get married.

Usman: It was difficult being away from Hajara during my deployment, but it strengthened our bond and made us appreciate what we had even more. I proposed to her over Skype in 2015, and when I returned home some months later, we had an intimate nikkah ceremony with close family and friends.

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What’s it like being married to an officer in the Nigerian Air Force?

Usman: Being an officer can be demanding at times. 

I had just been promoted to squadron leader when we got married. There are deployments, long hours and the inherent risks associated with military service. However, Hajara has been my rock through it all. Her unwavering support and understanding make it easier for me to fulfill my duties. We’ve learnt to cherish the time we have together.

Hajara: The most rewarding aspect for me has been witnessing Usman’s dedication to serving our country. It’s a source of immense pride to see him in uniform. Because of him, I’m part of the close-knit army community that really rallies around you when you need them the most — the Nigerian Air Force Officers’ Wives Association (NAFOWA). The camaraderie is quite uplifting.

The government treats you well too, with perks like scholarships and affordable housing. Once in a while, you get front-row seats to the military air shows, which I always attend with my heart in my mouth when Usman is one of the pilots but is really beautiful to watch at other times. 

There are trying times too, like when he’s gone for a long time.

Usman: The last time they deployed me to a different state, we relocated together to Enugu in 2018, but then, I got an assignment outside the state three months later.

Sounds like it was a particularly tough time for you two

Usman: It was a long and challenging mission in a distant region of the country. 

Hajara: We expected the separation, but it didn’t make it any easier. It was a mission that required him to be in a remote area with limited communication for several months. The day he left, it was as if a piece of my heart went with him. 

Usman: The night before I left, we had spent the entire evening together, just the two of us. Hajara had prepared my favourite meal of suya jollof rice and dan wake, and we talked about our dreams, our goals, our future, and all the little things. But there was an underlying sadness that weighed on both of us. We’d been married for three years and hadn’t had kids yet.

Hajara: It wasn’t like we weren’t trying. We’re still trying.

Usman: She was trying her best to be strong for me, but I could see the sadness in her eyes. We held each other that night, and I could feel the depth of our love and the pain of our impending separation. She didn’t follow me to the base, but as I entered the van, I looked back one last time to see Hajara waving goodbye, tears streaming down her face. 

It was a sight that haunted me throughout the assignment.

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How do you cope with the pain of separation?

Hajara: Coping in his absence was a daily struggle. I had to adjust to a new routine and take on additional responsibilities. But what made it hardest was not being able to hear his voice or see his face for weeks on end. 

Usman: We communicated when we could, but it was infrequent, and we both understood that it was a part of the job. We even found a way to exchange handwritten letters and emails whenever possible, and phone calls became cherished moments. 

Hearing her voice and knowing she was there for me gave me the motivation to carry on.

Hajara: I also drew strength from the support of friends and fellow military families who were going through similar experiences, especially the older women. They understood the unique challenges of military life and offered a shoulder to lean on. I also stayed busy with work and volunteering. Keeping myself occupied helped distract from the loneliness and sadness.

Usman: My other trips have been easier on us. We’re emotionally stronger now.

You mentioned trying to have children?

Usman: We leave it in God’s hands, but in the meantime, we have wards we’re responsible for. We take care of them in order to seek Allah’s mercy.

Hajara: I know his parents have mentioned him taking another wife, but he knows I never wanted to be part of a polygamous home like my parents. However, the whole thing makes me anxious and his travel assignments don’t make it easier. The last time he was on an extended trip to Mali, I had a stillbirth at seven months. I’ve had six miscarriages in total, before and after that. And right now, I’m just tired.

Usman: I’m content. If Allah doesn’t want us to have children then so be it. I won’t force it then sit back and watch as my wife’s body suffers. Thankfully, we’re not the only children of our own parents.

Have you had any major fights?

Usman: Not really. We cherish every moment we get to speak when I’m away, and when I return, we’re often just so happy to be with each other for as long as we get.

Hajara: We had a major quarrel when he wanted to take another mission five months after I had that stillbirth. I was in emotional distress and couldn’t understand why he would be willing to leave me in that state. At that moment, it felt like he married the force instead of me like he wanted to escape me.

Usman: After that quarrel, I didn’t go. I stayed back with her and begged for leave from assignments on the grounds of her condition. Thanks to the rapport I had with my commanding officer, NAF gave me a more stable role in Abuja for two years. 

Nothing is more important to me than her and her well-being. Perhaps, I’ll look into transitioning to desk roles. They don’t pay as well as field, but the plan is to redirect our savings into my wife’s clothing business and branch out from there.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Usman: 10

Hajara: 9

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

NEXT: Love Life: Our Love Started in Computer Village

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Tell us how you first met

Ife: It was an even more chaotic than normal day at Computer Village in January. 

I was there to get my laptop fixed on a Saturday when I heard the news that the deadline for the use of old naira notes had come. The market was in utter chaos that day, and I couldn’t pay for the laptop they’d finished fixing. I was basically stranded, looking for a free banking hall or ATM so I could take the laptop and go home — I also needed to raise my cab fare as all my bank apps were also down. 

As I passed by a crowded electronics stall, pitying myself and making calls, I saw this guy looking frantic, trying to catch a thief who had just grabbed his phone.

Bash: It was a crazy moment. 

I was browsing through some accessories, and out of nowhere, this pickpocket tried to grab my phone. Luckily, Ife saw what happened and shouted, which caught the attention of everyone around. The thief panicked and dropped my phone, and Ife helped me pick it up.

Ife: I was impressed by Bash’s gratitude and the way he handled the situation. He couldn’t stop thanking me, and I couldn’t stop teasing him about how he almost lost his phone at the worst time possible. We exchanged numbers, and he insisted on taking me for a drink to thank me for helping him. 

Ordinarily, I would’ve said no because why am I talking to a stranger in Computer Village, but I’d not yet figured out a plan to get home, and he didn’t seem at all panicked by the lack of access to funds. 

Turns out, he was a banker and had lots of new notes.

Bash: She looked concerned, and I couldn’t just let her walk away without showing my appreciation. So I asked what was wrong. She hesitantly explained the situation with her laptop. 

We went to a nearby restaurant and planned out what to do. It was funny because she kept assuring me she wasn’t a scammer, but that had the opposite effect on me. I knew she wasn’t a fraudster, but the fact that she kept saying it only made me start second-guessing my intuition. 

Anyway, we sorted out the laptop, talked a bit more, and I helped her get home. It was in our shared cab that we realised we had a lot in common — tech, music, and even our favourite local foods.

So, your shared interests brought you closer?

Ife: Yes, definitely. But it wasn’t just the interests. Our conversation flowed naturally.

Bash: Whenever she smiled, I was just smiling back. She was witty and had a great sense of humour all the way home. That’s hard to find in women these days. It was hard not to be drawn to her.

Ife: We were out for dinner some weeks after, and he reached out to hold my hand. It was such a simple gesture, but it felt right. I remember feeling a rush of emotions.

Bash: I’d been trying to find the right moment to tell her how I felt, and when she didn’t pull her hand away, it gave me the courage to express my feelings.

Ife: I was a bit surprised when he told me he liked me but in a good way. I’d been feeling the same way, but I was nervous about admitting it. When he confessed, it felt like a weight had been lifted, and I told him that I felt the same.

Bash: It was a relief, and we both had these big smiles on our faces. From that moment on, we knew we were more than just friends.

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What challenges have you faced in your relationship so far?

Ife: One of the biggest at the time we started dating in February was our cultural differences. I’m Yoruba, and Bash is from the northern part of Nigeria, which strangely led to some misunderstandings within our families in this year 2023.

Bash: It was all subtle. We both have very traditional parents, and the events surrounding the last national elections didn’t help. But we worked through it together and made an effort to understand and respect each other’s backgrounds. 

Ife: Then, we had to do long-distance. Bashir got a job in Abuja towards the end of April, and I stayed in Lagos. So far, we’ve had to navigate the distance, trust issues, and the occasional jealousy.

Bash: We’ve made it a point to visit each other every other month, but when we’re apart, we plan fun activities together, like watching the same movies or reading the same books to stay connected.

What was your first major fight about?

Ife: Our first major fight happened because we originally planned to move to Abuja together. I work remotely, so it was convenient, but I’d never been to Abuja nor did I know anyone there.

Bash: It was a particularly stressful time. We had to find a new place to live, I was starting a new job, Ife was trying to adjust to a different city, and our relationship was still fresh. The pressure got to us.

Ife: Well, one evening, we were discussing our finances, and it got heated. We had different ideas about how to budget for the move, and we couldn’t agree on how to prioritise our spending.

Bash: I wanted to save more aggressively to ensure we had a financial cushion, which meant finding a cheaper apartment in a less central part of FCT. Ife was more focused on enjoying the process and spending on things that would make our new home comfortable right away. 

I also didn’t have the luxury of time because I had to report to the new workplace within a month.

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How did the fight play out?

Ife: It started with a disagreement, but then it escalated into a full-blown argument. We both said things we didn’t mean, and it felt like we were drifting apart.

Bash: It was frustrating because we’d never fought like that before. We were just two months in, but we were usually so good at resolving issues together. This time, we couldn’t find common ground. 

I eventually walked out. Then later, we texted each other, apologising for the harsh words.

Ife: When I got home and thought about everything that happened, I realised I didn’t want to move with him any longer. 

I mean, he got the job. He was the one who needed to move. Why was I forcing myself to join him when I’d made no such prior plans to do so for myself? Why was I so eager to tag along when we’re two separate individuals? 

It took a while to convince him that I wasn’t changing my mind because I was angry.

Bash: We had to compromise, and I ended up relocating alone. We’ve become better at listening to each other and finding compromises that work for both of us.

How long do you plan to keep the long-distance relationship up then?

Ife: For as long as is reasonably natural and until we’re ready to make that investment. It’s a big move. And it’s crazy how I was just ready to do it at the drop of a hat when the news of his new job came. I must love him a lot.

Bash: Long-distance isn’t fun. Travelling a lot also isn’t fun with all the price hikes and money scarcity. But we’re making it work for now until we’re ready to move to that stage where either of us can relocate, and we can live together.

Ife: We don’t want to pressure ourselves into jumping milestones, but we’ve also said to each other that if we haven’t moved to the same city by our first anniversary in February, we’d let each other go.

Bash: It’s just to keep each other on our toes. We don’t want to take the great effort we both put into sustaining our relationship for granted. We have a goal: find a way to literally get back together. We’re both looking for jobs in opposite cities right now.

Ife: The running inside joke is, “What if we both get really good jobs, and all we achieve is switching places?”

I forbid it for you. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Bash: 5, for obvious reasons.

Ife: That’s not fair to our love life, though. I’d say 7, at least. 

I never thought I’d even give long-distance a try. Love did that.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

RECOMMENDED: Love Life: We Bonded Over the Death of Our First Spouses

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What was your first impression of each other?

Bode: I stumbled on her Instagram page by chance in 2017 when I’d just created an account. And I thought she was so gorgeous. I knew from some of the things she wrote that she was Nigerian, and I had to try to get in touch with her.

Ann: I’d only had my own account for about five months thanks to a slightly younger friend of mine who always made an effort to stay on trend. I was barely active on Facebook, but she had me believing Instagram was the place to be if I wanted to keep up with the world.

When Bode messaged me at first, I thought, “Aha, the creeps have come.” But I took the time to read his introduction, and it was well-crafted and poetic. I had to respond.

Bode: Immediately I got to find out we were in the same city, I set up a meeting — a date, really. And the rest they say is history.

How did this first “meeting” go?

Bode: Splendidly. We found out that it’s truly a small world, and on top of that, we had a lot in common.

Ann: Starting with the fact that he and my mum were from the same Egba town in Ogun state, and we’d both recently lost our spouses. 

His first wife died about a year before from breast cancer, and I lost my husband to a botched hip surgery four months before I met Bode. In fact, I’d only just decided to overcome the grief when I read his DM. After our first meeting, I felt guilty for days because it felt like such a huge betrayal to my husband’s memory to talk to another guy who wasn’t a friend.

Bode: We took a break for about a month before we talked again, and I told her I liked her a lot. I told her I wanted to take care of her and help her heal properly.

Ann: We had this long phone conversation where he told me all about how his wife passed, what it was like for him and what helped him recover. All I did was bawl my eyes out during that call, but it was also healing for me. It was some kind of therapy, and I appreciated that he was bold enough to initiate that kind of conversation with me. 

All my friends did was pretend the death never happened, even pretend that Ezekiel never existed, just so they don’t upset me. But I needed that good cry, and Bode did that for me.

So you decided to start seeing each other?

Ann: Yes. 

I was sad for a while after that call. But then, I was happy again and much lighter. And Bode was through my door with a basket of fruits, wine and baked goods the next morning. We had a pseudo picnic on the floor of my living room.

Bode: We talked for a while, about her family, about church, about how far apart we lived. Both our kids were mostly adults by then, and out of the house for college or work. She only had one son who had less than two more years left in high school. Now, he’s long gone, far away in Sydney.

Ann: From that day on, we became each other’s companions as Bode was nearing retirement. 

My friends were a little concerned at first because it was a rule for us to be careful around people who were complete strangers. We always had to befriend or date a friend of a friend of a friend, even if there were 1,000 friends between us. As long as someone somewhere knew the person, or at least, were coworkers or church mates. You can never be too safe in the US of A. But because Bode lived on the other side of the city, no one in my circle could vouch for him, and that made my people concerned. 

I decided to take that risk, and six years on, I don’t regret it. He’s fully integrated into my group now.

It’s been six years? Will there be wedding bells anytime soon?

Bode: It’s something we talk about time and time again, but we may never do it.

Ann: The memories of our spouses are still very much in our relationship today. We owe it to ourselves to completely heal from that before embarking on such a pivotal journey with each other. We’re taking it easy with separate and joint therapy and really just want to take this relationship at its natural pace.

Bode: Age might not be on our side, but we already had the marriage of our youth, so we’re not in a hurry.

Her separation from her husband was also quite rough. She didn’t get to have closure like I did. I spent years nursing Funmi, so there was plenty of time to let go and come to terms with the finality of her absence. 

For Ann, one moment he was in through the theatre doors to undergo a pretty routine procedure, the next? 

Ann: It was completely unexpected. I didn’t get to say goodbye. There were way too many things left unsaid. That’s a lot of baggage to bring into a new marriage.

Bode: I’ve had closure, but I haven’t quite let go of my wife either. Not sure I ever will. Her photos are everywhere.

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Would you then consider your current relationship romantic given the situation?

Bode: It’s very romantic. Trust me.

Ann: It’s a little unconventional, I know. We don’t live together, and we aren’t necessarily dating to get married, but everything else is romantic. We are the most important people to each other. Sometimes, I imagine I value him even more than my children. He’s my confidant and companion, and he makes me happy in other ways too.

Bode: The intimacy is very strong between us, and I’m grateful for that. There’s something we always do and that’s organise surprises on special days. It’s like a competition now. 

Since the day we got together, I’ve felt like I’ve entered a new lease on life.

How do your kids feel about your relationship?

Ann: My kids are super supportive, but they’re also mostly absent. 

I have four boys. They all left the house during college. My husband and I got a mortgage in a city that isn’t exactly prime commercial U.S. Every young soul is going to Dallas or Silicon. Let them go make money. I don’t think my boys care who I share my bed with.

Bode: I tell you, it’s girls that care about their parents. 

I have two boys and a girl, and after all my “I want sons. I want sons,” who stops by to check that I’ve not passed away in my sleep? Even if it’s just for the small inheritance they may get after, can’t they show concern? I only see all my kids on Christmas Day, but my daughter comes over at least three other times during the year, and I appreciate her for it. 

They’ve all met and adore Ann. What’s not to adore?

Ann: Honestly, I don’t know what’s more heartbreaking, being dumped by a significant other or by your own children. 

These days, I find myself calling home to speak with my parents — yep, they’re still alive — because now, I feel bad for having left them in Nigeria for greener pastures here. My only sister is in the U.K. as well. It must’ve been so hard on them. 

Sorry to digress. In summary, our kids are generally good sports about us being together.

Bode: The only time my eldest showed concern was when I sold the house I’d only just finished covering the mortgage on, to buy a smaller one closer to Ann. He raised eyebrows over FaceTime when that happened, but then, he casually said, “Well, it’s your life, Dad. I hope she makes you happy.” His flippant tone was the worst thing ever. 

Kids will break your heart, mark my words.

OMG. Have you two had a major fight yet?

Bode: Of course. We’ve fought over politics most of all. She’s a lot more conservative Republican than I am, and a lot less concerned about what’s happening in Nigeria. So it’s either I’m too understanding of the ongoing gender and sexuality topic, not Christian enough or I get too worked up over a country neither of us have been to in decades.

Ann: He’s American, born and bred, and only visited Lagos a couple of summers when he was a teenager and his grandmother was keen on seeing more of him. I actually lived in Nigeria up until I was 16. So I don’t get why he acts more concerned than the pope. Especially since there’s little either of us can do about the state of things there.

Bode: Who knows? We won’t know if we don’t talk about it.

Anyway, we also fought over therapy once. 

Ann: In 2021, our psychologist concluded that his casual drinking was becoming more insistent because it’s been his grief coping mechanism for too long. He stubbornly insisted he was no longer in grief, so why would he need alcohol to cope? 

I could see that she was right, but he couldn’t. It frustrated me because he was beginning to drink a lot and at odd hours of the day. Maybe he’d started thinking about his wife more, but he wouldn’t open up to me and kept insisting he was fine. 

Eventually, the whole thing blew up, and we had our biggest argument yet. It left me in tears. However, we came out of it knowing we weren’t trying to hurt each other. It was a hard period for us that lasted some weeks, but we were able to work through his feelings together, and that only strengthened our relationship.

Bode: I couldn’t have said any of that better myself.

I have no idea if I actually missed my wife or if it was just general disillusionment about life, but it was great to have a support system in Ann at that time.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Bode: 10/10

Ann: Same. You came at the perfect time. You’re my Godsend.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

NEXT UP: Love Life: We’ve Drifted Apart, but Can’t Break Our Engagement

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

How did you meet each other?

Tolani: We met during NYSC in 2012. We joined the NEMA CDS group at the same time and made friends with each other and a couple of other members. Then we all started attending the meetings in a group and checking up on each other at our PPAs. 

We didn’t start dating immediately. Her eyes were on some other guy in the CDS group who wasn’t part of our group of friends. They got close at a point and then I stopped seeing them together.

Praise-el: I realised the guy wasn’t serious at all. All he did was smoke weed. I got closer to Tolani after I cut the guy off, and we ended up becoming closer than the rest of our group because our corper lodges were in the same area.

Tolani: Then we went into an everlasting talking stage where I tried to take things to the next level countlessly, and she remained non-committal.

Praise-el: After I got strung along by the first guy, I got it into my head that people only look for flings during NYSC. Most people were trying to have as much sex as possible so that they could return to their home states and actual lives without strings attached. 

I thought Tolani was the same, and I’m not the kind of person who can date for fun. Maybe if we were both serving in a state we both lived in, I would’ve been more open. I actually liked him from the start, but he lived in Lagos while I lived in Kaduna. I didn’t see a future for us outside NYSC.

That makes sense, but how did your relationship advance?

Tolani: I was persistent, so we stayed in contact after passing out in October 2012. Three months later, she moved to Lagos for a job. By then, I was her closest friend in town, so we started hanging out a lot, and she found a community in my circle of friends. 

At first, I wanted us to stay friends because I was still sore from her constant rebuffs during NYSC. But once we hung out, I realised I still liked her a lot and hadn’t had my eyes on anyone else in a while.

Praise-el: I have that effect on people. 

I started liking him way more too, and really wanted him to ask me out again. He was a smart, serious-minded person and that sort of thing always attracts me. He was also really charming, so actually I wasn’t sure if he liked me at that point or if it was just his usual charm that made him nice to me. However, I couldn’t ask him because I couldn’t let go of the idea that a man must always ask a woman out.

Tolani: Sometime in March, I got a really good job with an FMCG that works closely with her company. We were both in entry roles, but we were able to help each other with information to meet targets that got us confirmed to junior positions in a few months. That really helped us get closer.

Praise-el: We got our confirmation letters within a month of each other. It was crazy. Our friends took us out to celebrate, and it was on my way home, as he walked me out to get a cab, that he asked me to be his girlfriend. I just said okay. 

It was later we realised that it was almost two years after we met for the first time in January 2012.

And what was dating like after this?

Praise-el: Honestly, nothing much changed. We didn’t even start having sex until we’d decided we’d get married.

Tolani: We were already very close friends who had the same friends and work-related relationships. So it was just more of hanging out and way more calls to check in on each other. Also, we spent more time in each other’s houses. I still lived with my parents at the time, but she had her own apartment she shared with a colleague, so we were there a lot.

Praise-el: It became his second house, but we mostly moved out of it to attend events and other activities. 

I heard something about deciding to marry

Tolani: We started talking marriage very early on. It started with plans to launch a start-up. We both studied finance and discovered our shared interest in being entrepreneurs during our early conversations. 

When I went to her place for the first time, I saw copies of books like Rich Dad Poor Dad, Outliers and different company biographies lying around. A black-and-white cover of Losing My Virginity comes to mind. We started talking about wealth and building successful businesses, and it just became a passion we shared.

Praise-el: You’re probably wondering how that led to marriage talks. We talked about being business partners, but we were dating, so I think he was like it’d be great if we were life partners first. It sounded romantic at the time.

Tolani: We decided to get married during the first month or so, but I don’t think at that time we thought we’d be married after five months.

Praise-el: Our careers were going well, and we had a lot of job security. In less than two years of working, I already had a sizable savings. I wasn’t privy to his finances at the time, but I knew we were both self-sufficient. 

Our relationship was going strong because we’d synergise for work. We’d help each other with contacts, connects and even gossip that was useful for company politics. We also had our parents’ network helping us both career-wise, signing references required to get some contracts and so on.

Tolani: Then we had sex for the first time, and Praise-el woke up the next morning, saying we should tell our parents we want to get married and go to Ikoyi Registry ASAP. I was in tears like “What the fuck?” 

She wasn’t joking.

Praise-el: I put my dad on the phone while we were still in bed and told him that Tolani wanted to tell him something.

OMG. That sounds like a lot of pressure

Tolani: It was. I just told him I wanted to come see him soon. 

We went to Kaduna the following week. We took time off work and spent a long weekend with them. At first, I was sure I wouldn’t tell them anything about marriage — not because I didn’t want to marry her but because I felt we had all the time in the world to do it. But on the Sunday night before we had to leave for Lagos, I changed my mind. 

Praise-el: I didn’t pressure him. I just think we had a lot of time to just relax together and have conversations. We talked about just getting the wedding out of the way so we could focus on building wealth and launching the business and raising our kids together, basically being in each other’s dream chasing origin stories.

Tolani: I believed in her and us. 

That night, I took a drive into town alone, called my own parents to tell them, and my dad was just laughing at me. They sha gave their blessings, so I spoke with her parents the next morning before we left. It was nerve-wracking but it also made me feel proud of myself for crossing such a definitive milestone.

Praise-el: I’m an only child and when I was younger, I used to tell my parents I didn’t want to get married, so they were quite relieved and happy for me. They promised to make the trip to Lagos for the court wedding when we were ready.

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Was it just a court wedding ceremony?

Praise-el: No, we had a traditional wedding about three weeks later. Court weddings are just sharp and low-maintenance, so we just wanted to get that out of the way. But there was no way in hell his parents were going to let their second son go without Yoruba fanfare. 

My parents on the other hand had separated themselves from our hometown a long time ago. We never even visit our village or relate too closely with our relatives because according to my parents, they can be diabolical. So we didn’t go there. I only invited some of my aunts and uncles.

Tolani: We also did a church thanksgiving after the court wedding, but no white wedding. At that point, we felt very “married” and didn’t feel like we needed further ceremony to establish that.

Praise-el: Especially since we were also in the middle of a two-month long house hunt. I didn’t know it would get a thousand times worse in the future, but getting a decent place to stay in Lagos is the ghetto. Apparently, we were asking for too much in terms of the area we wanted to live in so we had to change locations and living specifications.

Tolani: We had to live in a hotel for about two weeks because we didn’t want to stay in my parents’ house or her one room after we’d done the traditional wedding. We’d been living separately since the court wedding and we didn’t want to continue that either.

Anyway, that was the worst decision we could ever make.

How so?

Tolani: It was expensive. Our savings took a big dent. But also, reverting from that to packing into our new home, unpacking and settling into normal living was jarring. There’s no room service at home.

Praise-el: Also, living in a hotel for that long wasn’t ideal. It gave the first few weeks of our marriage a weird transient vibe. I think the fact that everything happened so quickly didn’t help. When we finally unpacked everything and started settling into our new life together, there was a lot of friction. 

Tolani: We were both so stressed. Don’t forget that we were both still going to work throughout this period. We only got a two-week break. So there was work pressure too. I remember that we didn’t even have sex for the first two to three months of our marriage.

Praise-el: I remember crying a lot and needing a shoulder but also realising I couldn’t go to my parents because I didn’t want them to think I was questioning my decision. I also didn’t want to go to any of my friends because most of them were his too, and I also didn’t want them knowing I had any issues so early into it that they’d mistakenly use against us later on in life. It wasn’t like I didn’t love him anymore or had any form of regret. I was just overwhelmed. It’s hard to explain.

Tolani: It was just growing pains, I think.

Praise-el: We’d fight over the smallest things. I was always so heated up like I needed to drain some energy from my veins or something.

I’m so sorry. It sounds so hard. How did you make things work?

Tolani: Eventually, the stress eased, and we just fell into a healthy space of getting used to each other and talking things out.

Praise-el: Something that really helped was finally getting the album of photos from our traditional wedding. Seeing those physical evidences of our joining and how good we looked together, how happy everyone was to celebrate us was strangely validating. The memory of us sitting alone together in the living room of our very first apartment together, turning those big pages, is stuck in my heart. There was no light so we were even sweating.

Tolani: Yeah, the ventilation in that house was bad. I like that we sorted things out between us without needing to involved external parties. That set the tone for how we deal with things between us. 

Praise-el: And remembering the vision that led us to marriage in the first place, working towards that goal of building wealth and starting our business. Once we started thinking about that and really making plans, it was easy for romance to come alive again. There was something to look forward to and be excited about.

So is it just about career for you? 

Tolani: I won’t say “just”. It might be what keeps us going but every relationship has their version of that. For some, it’s chemistry, children, shared interests, ministry. Most people don’t even have a unifying goal, and that’s why I think many relationships and marriages fade away after a while. For us, it’s building a company that stands the test of time just like all the amazing companies we’ve worked for all our lives.

Praise-el: And the realisation that we’re both capable of making this happen alone or together makes us very happy to be together. Two good heads a better than one after all. Our focus on money making has also made a lot of other things easier for us: maintaining a certain standard of life we aspired towards, giving our three children the kind of education we wished we had, we even have hobbies now, and romance is much easier after you’ve focused on career and making money — or how did Davido put it.

Tolani: We’re not where we want to be financially yet, but we’ve come a long way. And sometimes, when I look back I’m so proud of us. One thing I want to add about getting married right away is now that we’re making a lot of money we don’t have to second guess whether we still like each other or it’s just money that’s making us pretend. There’s not much room for ego because we struggled together to get here and we’re both earning almost equally.

And have you started the dream company yet?

Tolani: Not yet. But it’s coming. 

Praise-el: We’ve spent the last year courting early-stage investors, so it’s closer than ever. It’s a consumer goods manufacturing and distribution. We’re finalising manufacturing sources and distribution channels, due diligence, compliance and all that. It’s a huge risk we’re taking but it’s been a decade in the making so we trust we’ve done all our homework.

Tolani: There’s the lobbying involved as well. This is still Nigeria, a rough landscape for businesses. Thankfully, a person like Tinubu is in power now, so things will make sense soon enough.

I pray so. What was your first major fight about?

Tolani: We haven’t really had any. There was one time we fought about our house space. She’d started keeping her clothes in the guest bedroom because our wardrobe was too small for both of us, so one day, she just lashed out about how I couldn’t even notice that we’d outgrown our apartment. This was sometime in 2017. 

Praise-el: It wasn’t really a fight though. Most of our arguments are about the children. Either frustrations with their nannies or disagreements over something to do with their school.

Tolani: We argue about work-related gist too sha.

Praise-el: That’s right. It’s also not a piece of cake trying to build a business with your spouse. You can’t just say no, you have to coat it with explanation and mangae communication so it doesn’t ever feel like you’re taking them for granted. Thankfully, our business mentors help out on that front.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Praise-el: 8

Tolani: 8

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RECOMMENDED: Love Life: We Cheated, and We Moved Past It

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

How did you meet?

Kuro: We met by chance at a cyber café in 2009. I went there to put together my master’s application documents.

She was there to get her younger brother who was busy playing PlayStation 2 with his friends. We were both delayed for so long that we struck up a conversation. I don’t think anyone said “hi” first; we just started talking about something we noticed, and that was it.

Dupe: It turned out that we both lived off the same street. We later found out our parents even knew themselves from living in the same area for so long. 

Kuro: Anyway, we exchanged numbers before parting ways. But I didn’t ask her out because I was sure I’d relocate soon for school. I even got a part-scholarship.

But?

Kuro: The uncle who promised to sponsor me suddenly started posting me until I missed my resumption window. I’d even spent money on a UK visa application by then. It was painful, but I deferred from the September intake to January. That one too came, and this uncle suddenly became scarce. He even started avoiding the whole family because of a promise no one forced him to make.

Dupe: Now that I know him well, I can’t believe he pretends like none of this ever happened.

Kuro: I’m not even shocked anymore.

Dupe and I got close during this trying period. She was one of the reasons I got over the disappointment and picked my life back up. We didn’t even see each other again until almost a year after we met, but we were always texting on 2go and BBM. 

Dupe: Three months after we met, I agreed to date this other guy. I liked him so much that I let him get away with too much. We lasted about ten months before we broke up in 2010.

When did you start liking each other?

Kuro: I think once my eyes cleared from the whole UK relocation dream, it was easy to see that Dupe was the only person, apart from my guys and family, who was there for me and supportive. I wanted to hang out with her because it felt like we hadn’t really gotten to know each other yet. 

Once I got a decent job and received a few months’ salary, I asked for us to meet up at a popular eatery then. This was in April 2010.

Dupe: We met up and gisted, and that was it. We were still friends. But then, we started doing midnight calls, talking about nothing. My boyfriend started feeling threatened by him. In July, we broke up because he said his pastor told him to, and I immediately told Kuro, “Let’s be in a relationship”.

Kuro: I was shocked, but if I didn’t like her before, the way she called to tell me that initiated the feelings. I even played “hard to get” because I was like, “Wait for me to ask you first na. Why are you jumping the script?”

Dupe: Me, I was like, “Stay there. You’ll know when I find another person to fill your spot.” LOL.

What was it like going from friendship to dating?

Dupe: It was different. I wanted him to be there for me ALL THE TIME, and a part of me could tell it was overwhelming for him, but I couldn’t help myself.

Kuro: The first few months when she called to tell me every single thing happening to her was a lot to handle, I must admit. But I also liked being her first go-to person. Before her, I’d only ever dated one person, and it wasn’t a serious relationship.

Dupe: In my previous relationship, I second-guessed myself a lot. My partner made me question my worth, so I found myself falling back on Kuro for the validation my ex always held back . Kuro gave me all the validation I sought, and I wanted to bask in it. Unfortunately, that too wasn’t healthy.

How were you able to get past this need?

Dupe: Well, things went worse before they became better.

Kuro: We went through life like that for a year. We talked several hours every day and hung out on our street every night. But one day, I was drained and just withdrew for a few days.

Dupe: He took a break from the relationship. The only problem is I wasn’t aware of this at the time.

Kuro: She doesn’t want to expose me, but I’ll expose myself. I slept with someone else, one of my friends. I immediately regretted it, so I told Dupe the next week when we started talking again.

Dupe: I was angry. But I still loved him, so I forgave him.

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So you guys already loved each other at this point?

Kuro: Yes. That’s the only way to explain how we tolerated each other’s madness that year. 

It didn’t take long with the other girl before I became remorseful and wanted to make peace with Dupe. I was scared, but I figured it was better to tell the truth than keep such a thing a secret, or worse, have it come to light when I didn’t expect. It was good I did because the babe wanted to create drama around it later, not knowing I’d already told Dupe everything.

Dupe: I was happy he told me, but I made it clear to him that would be the last time I’d forgive him for cheating. 

Guess who ended up cheating later on.

Not him again?

Dupe: No. Me.

So, after the whole thing came and went, I forgave him, and we talked about where our relationship was going. I spoke to my mum, and she counselled me that I shouldn’t be too needy, relying on him for everything all the time. We were able to fix the way we ran our relationship, and we were happy with the way things went for several months.

Eventually, we decided we wanted to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. But first, we had to deal with his family, particularly his mum and some uncles.

Kuro: I’m Ijaw, and Mum didn’t like that she’s Yoruba. 

Dupe: Even before we decided to get married, I noticed she was cold towards me, but I never guessed it was a tribe thing. 

Kuro: When I told her my intentions, she was adamant that I only marry a south-south or south-east person. She’d never mentioned her stance before, so I was shocked. My dad also wanted to back her up, but I stubbornly insisted on marrying Dupe. 

How did they take it?

Kuro: After months of back and forth, they relented. I’d never had that close-knit relationship with my parents, so nothing much changed between us.

I proposed in January 2012, the day after New Year’s, we moved in together, went to court in March and did our traditional and church wedding in July 2012 — my runaway uncle somehow found money to sponsor half of the expenses. 

Everything was great until we had our second son in 2016. It was a tough pregnancy, but let me not speak about what I didn’t experience physically.

Dupe: It was hard. It took a toll on my body. I almost doubled in size during the course of the pregnancy and then had preeclampsia. By the final trimester, I felt like something was tied up in my brain that needed to be loosened. It was a nagging feeling like I’d run mad if someone didn’t loosen it. 

They did a CS to get our son out, and I was in the hospital for some days. I got back home, and I was just depressed. I’d never felt such a strong emptiness; I wouldn’t wish it on my enemies. When I think back on that time, sometimes, I get anxious. 

How did this lead to cheating?

Kuro: Afterwards, it was like she couldn’t stand me or anything to do with me. She just became difficult to deal with.

Dupe: I was just angry with him.

I started leaning on a man I’d met through work just about a month after I found out I was pregnant. I felt like a different person and Kuro no longer found me attractive. I was secretly ashamed to be my new not-so-sexy self with him. But this guy was older and not-so-sexy himself. He gave me the validation I needed at that time.

How did you get past that in your relationship?

Kuro: She told me she’d slept with this man, and even though I was angry, I understood. I had no choice but to forgive her because of how vulnerable she was then and what she’d gone through to bring my child into the world. However, I couldn’t really forget for a while.

Dupe: Our marriage was strained for about a year after. But it wasn’t just about the cheating. Having children takes a lot out of the marriage bond, in my opinion. It becomes less about marriage and more about family. There’s simply not as much time to relate, for romance or even sex.

Kuro: Between the children and the cheating, the sex has changed a lot between us. Sometimes, it feels like there’s one elephant in the room. 

But like my case from before we got married, I knew it was much better that way than if we kept secrets and tried to deceive each other. I’m glad she immediately came clean to me, and she’s been just as transparent with her activities as she was when we first started dating.

Dupe: One of the things we got used to doing early on was always telling each other what’s going on. If it meant the other person would go their separate way, so be it. We are always kind to each other no matter what because beyond being life partners and lovers, we are friends.

If you didn’t fight over infidelity, what then have you fought over?

Dupe: We didn’t fight much until we had those two boys.

Kuro: Our sons?

Dupe: Our parenting styles are very different. 

I believe in discipline, and I work in investment banking, so I don’t have the luxury of time to pamper anyone. Meanwhile, Dr Kuro believes in interacting with them like he’s their friend. Sometimes, I just want to scream at them so they know not to do certain things, but he’ll say, “Don’t shout at my sons.”

Kuro: They are not goats. How do you want them to grow up cultured if you keep screaming at them?

Dupe: Sorry o. Oyibo.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Dupe: 6. Our love is safe and has withstood a lot, so I have high hopes for it.

Kuro: 6 too.

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RECOMMENDED: Love Life: We Don’t Want Marriage or Kids

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Kola: The very first WhatsApp video call we had in July 2020 after a friend of a friend linked us up.

Peju: I told my friends I wanted to end my year-long celibacy run. I hadn’t been in a proper relationship in over a year, konji was being an epic bastard and the lockdown only made it worse for me. 

As soon as it was over, I begged one of my most outgoing friends in our group, until she gave me three guys’ numbers. At first, I was uncomfortable about calling them, but I told myself I wouldn’t have wanted her to give my number to a bunch of random guys.

Kola: But they still got your number when you reached out to them sha.

Peju: I only called one of them and we texted for about a week when I reached out to you. We had the video call the next day because he was desperate to see my face.

Kola: I wanted to be sure the DP was real.

How did the call go?

Peju: It was the world’s longest video call. We were on it for about five hours, but remember that this was post-lockdown when we all seemed to have too much time on our hands. We didn’t exactly talk throughout. We just kept the call going while doing other things, with occasional comments and grunts.

Kola: It was a very comfortable call, and neither of us could end it until MTN eventually ended it for us. But it helped set the tone for us.

Peju: We had similarly languid video calls every other day until we met in person in September. We’d long since agreed to go get drinks as soon as we were both comfortable enough to be outside. And also when the sensible Abuja spots had opened up.

Kola: We met for drinks and the vibe matched up in person. That was the start of our highly convenient situationship.

Why a situationship?

Kola: I’d just gotten out of a long relationship and wasn’t looking to get into another one so soon.

Peju: I was still getting used to the idea that the pandemic wasn’t going to lead to the apocalypse. So you can say I was in the “We’re all going to die tomorrow” mood. I just wanted good sex to guide me into the afterlife well. My priority was, “Will this man bring me the end-of-the-world-level smash I needed?” When we met, I was pretty confident he would just because of how much I wanted to hug him and never leave his arms.

Kola: I was a lot less morbid about the whole thing, but it was exciting to meet an attractive woman who was pretty much ready to have sex right away. No hang-ups.

So did you guys do the deed right away?

Peju: Yes. He invited me over to his house the next day, and I ended up staying there for two days.

Kola: We did other things. 

We played FIFA, she went off for a while with a friend of hers, and I worked from home for a bit. We didn’t just have sex for the whole two days o.

Peju: Of course. No one was thinking that, love.

The sex was alright, so we just continued having it from then on.

You’ve now been together for three years, so can I assume you started liking each other at some point?

Kola: I think we always liked each other. You can like each other and still be in a situationship. 

We just weren’t ready to commit and didn’t try to force ourselves to. It was convenient the way it was, and we were both happy without trying to add responsibilities to it. I was still a bit heartbroken from my ex and also navigating risky waters at work at a time when layoffs and salary cuts were rampant.

Peju: I was going through personal struggles — family drama, unemployment, disillusionment — and was honestly in no headspace to cater to a proper relationship. I even started talking to someone else around Christmas time that year, and almost entered a relationship that would most likely have been toxic. Thankfully, that didn’t happen.

Kola: But she slept with him sha.

Peju: FU. We weren’t committed to each other then. 

Anyways, he caught feelings first and asked me one day if I didn’t feel like we should be more. I was surprised because I believed the old African mother’s take that once a guy can sleep with you casually, he’d never be interested in a relationship. So I asked him what made him bring it up.

Kola: I think it was March 2021. We’d been friends with benefits for several months, and I wasn’t over it yet. I still always wanted to spend time with her. One day, I just grew curious about what she thought of what we were doing, that’s all. I wanted to know where her mind was at.

How did that conversation go?

Peju: We decided to give dating a try. I still didn’t have a job, and my home issues were still there, but it was all less overwhelming to me after the fog that was the COVID period. I was ready to be alive again.

Kola: I’d switched jobs and had better job security at the new place, so you can say I was feeling really good and confident. 

That was until she suggested an open relationship sometime in May 2021.

Peju: I was afraid. 

At some point, I realised I really liked this guy and became scared of the ensuing commitment. I was already anticipating breakfast and wanted to cushion the blow early enough. If we were committed but not exclusive, he’d either break up with me before I fell too hard for him, or I wouldn’t feel so bad anyway because I’d already have someone else.

Kola: She didn’t explain this logic to me at the time, but it would’ve still been the craziest thing I’d ever heard. I told her right away that I didn’t want one, and she just smiled. That’s when I knew it was some kind of test. 

But we didn’t really become a traditional boyfriend and girlfriend until early 2022.

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What’s your version of “traditional boyfriend and girlfriend”?

Kola: Communicating multiple times a day? Always being in each other’s faces physically and virtually? Running the most mundane plans by each other? We do these things now. But in 2020 or 2021? Big fat NOPE.

Peju: Yeah. Even after we had the whole conversation about taking our thing seriously, we’d just have a few calls to check in on each other every other week. It went from calling or texting only when we wanted sugar to small emotional talks here and there. 

One time, he dropped by my house — my parents’ house actually — and brought me this wide tub of goat meat pepper soup. That was probably the most touching thing that happened between us. It was more like we went heavy on the “friends” part of the benefits than we were dating.

Kola: But that was our process to get to where we are now, and we took it. 

Peju: I enjoyed that growing period a lot. Just as I’m enjoying what we have now.

Would you say you guys are in love now?

Peju: I would. Yes.

Kola: Our version of it anyway. 

We care about each other a lot, and I think of her as my best friend right now, definitely the best sex I’ve ever had. But we’ve made this decision to never marry or have kids.

Peju: Oh yeah. I’ve always known I don’t want to get married ever, and he doesn’t want children, so we made a pact.

Wait. Please, explain the root of these decisions

Peju: I lived with my parents all my life until I moved in with him last year, but believe me when I say it was the most toxic situation ever. So toxic that it took Kola’s strength to help extricate myself from it. I’d probably have never had the mental power to get myself out of there. My elder sister is still there today.

I lied to my parents that my new job gave me an apartment in Lagos. They still don’t know I’m in Abuja with them. I’m mentally preparing for the day my mother or relatives in Lagos decide to visit me. I’ll either lie that I’ve gone on a business trip or make a quick trip there and beg one of my close friends to use her flat.

Kola: Or just tell her the truth at that point.

Peju: What my parents have going on is a very abusive thing, and I absolutely never want myself to be so tied to someone — because of a marriage certificate and joint assets and children — that getting out when things get beyond toxic becomes impossible. I can’t let that happen to me after all I’ve experienced, trust me.

Kola: Mine is a lot more mundane. I just don’t want children. 

I’m confident I won’t be a good father, and this world is too messed up to bring new beings into. I don’t want to be responsible for the experiences of a dependent. The idea that your child could go through trauma, and it’d somehow be because of something you didn’t even know you did, is too much of a burden for me to shoulder.

Peju: I’m completely aligned on that, TBH. 

Add that to the actual pregnancy, labour and birth experience, and then, caring for children during that infant-toddler-child and even teenage period? It’s too much. If we were all being honest as a society, we’d confess that it’s all just too much. The pain and suffering in this life is too much jo.

What if you change your mind in your 40s, but then, it’s too late?

Peju: My mother had my only sister and me in her 40s. Rare, but it happened to my mother twice. And come to think of it, maybe there’s a reason she didn’t have us earlier. Maybe she wasn’t supposed to bring us into such a toxic environment, but she forced it. No, I don’t think I’ll change my mind.

Worst case scenario, me and Kola will freeze our eggs/sperm when we get to our 30s. Thank God we’re laser-focused on our careers now, so we may be able to afford IVF. If not, it’s the thought that counts, abi?

Kola: Of course, I’ll always have sperm, so I’m not that pressed to change my mind.

Peju: You just told the universe to give you high blood pressure or prostate cancer.

Kola: God forbid. You’re actually a mad person. But that’s lowkey why I love you.

Peju: Yeah. Anyway, we had this conversation over time as we opened up to each other about our fears. He already knew how much my family life affected me, if not from day one, then from the day he talked me into moving in with him last year. But it took a while for me to find out about his aversion to kids. We were making futuristic plans in January 2023 when he finally admitted he didn’t want them, and I was like, “You know what? I get it.” We made a pact there and then.

Do you remember what your first major fight was about?

Kola: First? Which one was the first now?

Peju: The toilet bag one.

Kola: Oh shit. That one was annoying. God. Small tone in my voice caused wahala.

Peju: It was one of my first few sleepovers at his place during COVID year. I don’t know how my black toilet bag found its way to his kitchen. All I remember is that it was dirty, so I unpacked it one evening with the intention of giving it a little scrub and letting it dry before putting my stuff back in. 

But that never happened because, sex.

Kola: Anyway, later that night, I saw it on the kitchen counter when things were still a little foggy. I picked it up and said, “What is this?” in what Peju called a disrespectful tone and threw it in the bin.

Peju: Not just any bin o. The kitchen garbage can that had trash food and everything. I was so upset.

Kola: She screamed at me and insulted my life. I ended up throwing her out of my flat. Not one of my finest moments. We were still a “situation” then, so it didn’t really affect us. We just called each other the next time we needed sex — about two weeks later — and continued on.

Ahhh. And you forgot that was your first fight?

Kola: Oh, we’ve fought — a lot.

Peju: Yes na. Not every time love and light. Sometimes, you need drama and chaos for that healthy balance. It’s the struggle to be “cool” in relationships that used to cause see-finish o.

Agreed. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Kola: 10

Peju: I was looking at you well to see if you’ll call any lower number. Hmm.

Kola: I’m tired of this person.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

RECOMMENDED: Love Life: I Married Him at 20 to Avoid Sin

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

How did you meet?

Jola: We met at a friend’s off-campus birthday party in 2016. We were still undergrads, and I think our whole class attended it. The place was packed because her boyfriend had taken over the party, and I barely knew anyone. 

At some point, I saw this guy sitting by himself, looking very chill and contemplative. I watched him for a bit and noticed one of my friends knew him. Later on, I asked him to introduce us. The chill guy turned out to be Alex.

Alex: That’s pretty much it. We were introduced, and just like that, she came into my life. A week later, she moved into my flat.

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Before or after you’d agreed to date?

Alex: After. But we never really agreed; we just knew. We talked for a long time during the party, eventually left and took a stroll where we didn’t say much. Then we ended up at my place. The relationship started right away, to be honest.

Jola: There was no asking out. There was just “I like you”, “I like you too”. Then months later, “I love you”, “I love you too”. That was really it for us. We knew we’d met the one.

We graduated the following year, so it was great to have him as a present support system through graduation struggles, NYSC and the start of our careers. We’re both creatives, so we were able to develop our craft together, hustle for gigs together and so on.

Alex: It was pretty convenient for us to fall in love.

Since we’ve jumped to that, how exactly did you know you were in love?

Alex: She moved in pretty early on, and it somehow felt natural. That must’ve been the first sign. 

As soon as she came with her black box and big pink bag  — without my prior permission, by the way — I don’t think I’d ever been happier, and I’m usually territorial. 

I’m always so happy to do things for her, to get her gifts or just small things she likes, and she always pops up in my mind when something interesting is happening.

Jola: I knew I was in love with him after living with him for about a month and realising I wasn’t sick of him. He’s such a pleasure to live with. He’s not perfect — we do have our fights once in a while — but he’s so considerate, neat and clean. In fact, I’ve learnt to be cleaner from him. 

I also always want to be with him, but I’ve never felt like he thinks I’m too needy or clingy.

Alex: Yeah. We go everywhere together. We’re like each other’s hand bag. We don’t have everything in common, but we have such good conversations. We can talk for hours and hours.

Jola: We were considering starting a podcast together, inspired by my popular namesake. But that was before literally everyone jumped on it.

Right? But what led up to Jola moving in? What was it about that first week?

Jola: It’s been over seven years. Not sure it was even that big of a deal. I’ll say I wanted to visit him all the time. 

Alex: She was always at my place after that first night. Maybe because it was closer to campus and in a more convenient part of the school community than hers. 

Jola: I’d go straight to his after classes or we’d go out together and end up back there after. Then I’d find it hard to make it back to my flat later. 

Alex: Either it’d get too late or we just didn’t want to part ways. So most nights, she’d sleep over. 

Jola: Then in the morning, I’d be worried about getting ready, if my clothes were rumpled, stuff like that. By the end of the first week, I was tired of that routine. I went home one afternoon, packed my important items and returned to his place. Over the next few days, I moved my remaining things and abandoned the rest. Even after graduation, I never went back to my parents’ house. 

Wild. How did they take that?

Jola: They pushed back for a bit. My mum felt I just wanted freedom to be wayward, but once they knew the pressure wasn’t working, they eased off. It helped that I didn’t need them for the rent because they’d never have released funds. I also stopped asking them for allowance.

Alex: My parents, on the other hand, thought I should’ve been saving for important projects instead of spending on rent so early. But it’s not like we got an apartment in Lekki Phase 1. I told them to calm down.

Jola: We both served in Kogi for NYSC and got cheap corper housing for the year. When we moved back to Lagos, we got a place close to the university community in Yaba. We paid for everything off our earnings as freelancers for another year.

Alex: We really tried o. We’ve come far.

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True. How are you guys not married yet?

Jola: We’re still saving for that o. Country hard. Haven’t you heard?

Alex: And when we think “marriage”, we also think of children. We have high hopes for our future kids — what school they’ll attend, what activities we’d like for them to be involved in — so we need to get to a certain level in our careers first.

Jola: That’s it.

Alex: Besides that, we’re already married in our own eyes.

Fair. But what was your first major fight about?

Jola: So when we first got together in 2016, he used to study overnight a lot. He’d leave the bedroom light on through the night instead of just going to the living room. He didn’t like going there because he shared it with his two housemates. 

Meanwhile, I’m a light sleeper and can’t sleep if it’s not pitch dark. I thought since he knew this, he’d stop, but no. One time, he did it for three days straight, and I wasn’t getting any sleep. 

Alex: Yeah. I actually didn’t put two and two together.

Jola: When I finally told him on the fourth day, he just dismissed it — his studies were more important than my rest. That night, two of his coursemates came to the room to read until around midnight. I had an exam at 8 a.m. the next day. I was so angry, and I told him as soon as they left.

Alex: She ranted for a while and then started crying. I stood there shocked. I sincerely had no idea the light was affecting her sleep. I really felt bad, but me too, I didn’t immediately apologise. I just left the room for her that night. I actually cried in the sitting room because of how bad I felt, and I was also overwhelmed with final exam pressure and exhaustion.

Jola: We gave each other attitude for the rest of the exam period, but as soon as it was done, we made up and it was as if the fight never happened. It was just exam hormones.

What’s the best thing about being together so far?

Jola: How well we understand each other and get along.

Alex: Yeah. The whole foundation of our relationship is that we get along well. Everything happens naturally.

Jola: We get along with the other important people in each other’s lives too. All our friends are now friends with each other, same with our siblings and parents. We even use each other as a vibe check. If you don’t get along with someone I’m about to be friends with, they usually get cut off and vice versa.

Alex: We also have so many inside jokes now. How could I start that over with someone new?

What’s the most unconventional thing about your relationship?

Jola: How little sex we have? People expect that we must have a lot of sex because of how clingy we are to each other, but we only have sex every other day. 

Alex: Are you joking? Tell me you’re joking.

Jola: Maybe twice a week at most. 

Anyway we made a decision a few years back to only fight or argue via text. Even if we’re in the same house.

Alex: It doesn’t always work, but it’s the funniest thing when it happens. And depending on how serious the fight is, it diffuses the situation a bit. Have you ever texted while you’re angry? It’s the worst.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Jola: A high 8 that’s leaning towards 9.

Alex: 9

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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Kunle: In January 2022, we met on a danfo going from CMS to Eko Hotel roundabout. It was around 6:30 a.m., we sat together, and there was bumper-to-bumper traffic for most of the way because of all the closed roads and bridges. We were both sweaty but trying to maintain beauty for the office.

Temi: It was hard for us public transport users that year. I always got to the office exhausted. Well, not much has changed now.

But that day, we got to talking when he got a glance at my music playlist on my phone. He saw I liked a lot of sad music and commented on it. That’s how we started talking about music and our work.

Kunle: When we finally got to our destination, it was some minutes past eight, and we were both late for work, so we didn’t even bother to rush. We’d found out we worked not too far from each other, so we got into a keke together and that’s where we exchanged phone numbers.

When did you realise you liked each other?

Temi: We started meeting up in the evenings to catch the bus going to Barracks together, and we really got along on these bus trips. After some days, he told me he normally carpooled with a man who uses his private car as a taxi when he was coming to work in the morning and leaving at night. The only reason he’d been using the danfo that week was because the man had travelled. 

He invited me to carpool with him, and I agreed. It was a great decision because the man’s car was so comfortable; it was air conditioned, and he lived closer to my house, so I could just walk home from where he dropped me off.

Kunle: There were usually four of us from different offices in this man’s car. And on rare occasions, five. Instead of having to jump danfos at up to four stops between work and home, we could just sit back and relax for a long stretch of time. It didn’t even cost that much more. We got to talk and get to know each other without the stress and noise of danfo buses. I think that’s how we started liking each other.

What interesting things did you find out about each other?

Kunle: That she catered for small events on the side. I immediately loved that she was that enterprising.

Temi: For me, I found out he was gay, first of all.

Kunle: I like to have that out of the way when I’m getting to know people, so they can decide if they want to move the friendship forward from early on. 

I once had a friend who was so angry when she found out I was gay about a year into our friendship. She said I’d betrayed her trust and blocked me.

I think on the second day of going home in the private car, I told her.

Temi: It was refreshing to meet a gay person in person and have him be so open about it without it necessarily showing in his behaviour. I was a bit disappointed though, because I thought he was cute.

Kunle: She asked to see a picture of my boyfriend at the time, and I showed her.

Temi: He was cute too. It really wasn’t fair.

When did you both know you’d fallen in love?

Kunle: The next month, that “cute” guy broke up with me. I’d never experienced as much heartbreak as I did after it happened, probably because we dated for two and a half years. I really thought we’d be committed for life, but apparently, we weren’t on the same page. 

That’s what made it even more upsetting. Was he pretending about liking me as much as I thought he did? I suddenly didn’t know.

Temi: He was so withdrawn one day. And he was like that for some weeks, but I didn’t know why. He’d miss the car on some days, and I started feeling somehow about entering without him because I didn’t know anyone else in the car. 

So I went back to danfos. When I tried to chat him up to check up on him, he’d just say he was fine. I was worried but I left him. But then, I started missing him.

Kunle: When I started getting over my ex, I felt bad for leaving her hanging like that. I’d noticed she was no longer going with the car. I felt bad that I’d pushed her to go for a much more uncomfortable transport option. I called her up one day and apologised for my sudden withdrawal.

When I finally told her about the break up one Saturday, she told me to meet up with her somewhere she was going to deliver packs of jollof rice she’d made to a birthday celebrant.

Temi: He came to where we’d agreed to meet up, which was not too far from his place, and I gave him a pack of my Jollof as a “feel better” gift.

Kunle: I was so touched. We sat down at the venue. I opened and started eating the food right there. I hadn’t eaten all day, it was around 5 p.m., and the food smelt so good.

It tasted good too. I looked at her midway into the meal with this big smile on my face. She had a big smile on hers too.

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Was that love though?

Kunle: Yes. A version of it.

I couldn’t stop thinking about her once I got home. But I couldn’t understand why because I’d never dated a woman, ever. I actually got into my first relationship at 25 as a virgin. I believed it was because I’d only been considering women up until that point, and I never met one I was attracted to. 

Temi: Before I met him, my last relationship was in 2018. It was one of those lukewarm ones where, at the end, you don’t even know why you were together. So I was single and very ready for a relationship. By the time we were getting to know each other in that car, I was very attracted to him and so upset he was gay. But at the same time, I didn’t want to keep away.

Kunle: After the jollof rice meet-up, we went back to going to and from work in the car. So we saw each other every day of the week. When we started hanging out on weekends too, I knew that was it. We’d invite each other for family events or to see a movie together and started meeting each other’s friends. This went on till around June 2022, when I decided to try my luck and ask her out.

Temi: On our way to work, one early Monday morning, he asked me randomly. I was in shock. I was like, “I thought you were gay.” He looked a little confused when I said that, so I knew it was something he himself was still trying to figure out.

How did you handle rediscovering your sexuality and entering a new relationship at the same time?

Kunle: It was conflicting for a while, not going to lie. But in the end, I decided to just follow my instincts. For some reason, I really liked this one girl after a lifetime of liking boys. Maybe that doesn’t require an explanation.

Temi: I tried to keep an open mind too, and enjoy the process. I didn’t say yes to him right away because I wanted him to be really sure. I also wanted to process whether actually wanted to date him. It took me up to three weeks to agree. In the meantime, our budding friendship grew. I realised that beyond being attracted to him, we got along well. He was a serious person; he took the important things in life — money, work, family — seriously.

Kunle: We also like food — the one thing we both like.

Temi: That’s not true. We like swimming. But yeah, that’s all we have in common.

Are either of you ever worried he’ll get attracted to a man again?

Temi: I won’t say “worried”, but the thought enters my head sometimes. On one hand, I feel special that I’m the one woman who made him realise he’s actually bisexual not gay. But on the other hand, I have a lot of learning to do about what bisexuality entails in practice.

Kunle: I still get attracted to men actually. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever act on it. I’m fully committed to this relationship for the foreseeable future. Being gay or bisexual doesn’t mean I can’t be disciplined and stay loyal and respectful to her.

Fair enough. Do you remember what your first major fight was about?

Kunle: Oh, it was so stupid.

Temi: We fought, or rather, had an argument over last year’s Sallah meat.

Kunle: This was even before we’d fully agreed to date.

Temi: He’s Muslim. So he’d sworn to bring me a full polythene bag of ram meat. I told him to bring it raw so I could cook it very tender and make a nice sauce with it. 

What did he do? He brought the one that they’d fried hard as rock. And it wasn’t even plenty. After he had promised heaven and earth. I was already dreaming of how I was going to savour it and use it with four different meals. Oh God.

Kunle: I overhyped myself as a joke. I didn’t know she was actually taking me seriously and making plans. I just put some leftover meat together without thinking, and took it to her the next day. When she brought the meat out of the bag, she lambasted me. I’ll never forget. I felt so bad.

Temi: I didn’t speak to him for like two days. One day, he ordered ram suya to my house. That was so sweet.

What’s the best thing about being together so far?

Temi: Everything. What I love most is how I don’t feel any pressure at all. I can be myself, talk about things that interest me and be open and vulnerable, without feeling judged or disrespected.

Kunle: The best thing is how compatible we are in almost everything: mentally, sexually, even career-wise. We’re growing together. And we’re so comfortable together. I didn’t realise how uptight I was — constantly seeking validation and trying to be and look perfect — in almost all my past relationships until we got together. Thank you for that.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Temi: 8. I love you so much.

Kunle: Maybe 9.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

RELATED: I Relocated Back to Nigeria for Her

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Tonye: I actually can’t remember. We were friends of friends for the longest time. He was a childhood friend of my closest male friend from secondary school. As we became adults, we found ourselves in the same friendship circle. 

I think the only reason why we weren’t close at first was because his family relocated to Jordan when he was in secondary school, so he’d only come back to Naija with the IJGB crowd in December. Between 2013 and 2018, you could just tell he loved the whole Detty December Lagos vibe and never missed it. 

We got to know each other better with each of his visits because we’d find ourselves at the same holiday events at least once or twice each year.

Peter: But I remember exactly when we met for the first time. It was at a mutual friend’s beach hangout in December 2011. We said hi to each other once, and that was it. The second time was when I came for summer the next year. We met briefly when your best friend came to pick up something from you on the way to a party you refused to attend.

Tonye: Oh yes. That day. I keep forgetting.

And I didn’t refuse to attend. You guys just threw the invitation at me last-minute and expected me to drop everything.

Peter: You need to embrace spontaneity more. That’s one of your weaknesses.

Deep. So when did you realise you liked each other?

Tonye: I always found him attractive, but just as a thought. By 2014, when I’d gotten used to hanging out with him. I noticed that I thought about him for a long time after we had any interaction. 

In December 2015, I was seriously looking forward to seeing him even though we weren’t really friends. He has this carefree, “sure of himself”, clever attitude that just drew me in. Before he came, I found myself asking his friend about his relationship history. That one told me he hardly ever dates or doesn’t date for long, so I told myself to calm down.

Peter: But when I came that year, we only saw once. And it’s not like she tried to reach out or even give me a clue that she liked me.

On the other hand, I was a stupid boy back then. My head wasn’t really in the space for committed relationships.

I see

Peter: It wasn’t until around March 2016, when we had this long-ass, out-of-the-blue FaceTime call that we really connected. 

We’d had a conversation on the TL about something that went viral on Twitter, and that’s when I found out she’s one of those fierce feminists. So I popped into her iMessage and asked if she wanted to FaceTime about it. I don’t even know why I asked. I found feminists curious back then, so I made it a point to have these obnoxious conversations with all my female friends who were feminists.

Tonye: Oh God.

Peter: Well, when we FaceTimed, I loved that she looked so good in her natural state. Her hair was messy, her face looked fresh, and even her bedroom voice was everything. 

And I realised she wasn’t really hardcore with her feminism. She was so cool and chill, and we went on to talk about our other interests. That’s when I considered the idea of dating her for the first time.

Tonye: But first, he just wanted to sleep with me.

Ah

Tonye: Yes. He was pretty vocal about it. But one ocean kept us apart, so nothing happened. We just kept up a long-distance friendship and got to know each other more. It was around this time in 2016 that he confided in me that he had a temper he was working on. 

He mentioned this while he was talking about an altercation he’d had at work in the US, where he’d moved to in 2010. He got so angry that his whole body hurt just from the anger. I didn’t understand it; he explained that his anger takes over his whole body sometimes, and he feels so helpless about it. I’d never heard about something like that before, so I just told him to try to see a therapist.

Peter: I was more excited than ever to come to Naij that December, and that’s when it really sank in that I might like her.

Tonye: I was nervous because I still believed he only wanted sex. At first, I told myself I didn’t mind that, but when I saw him the week before Christmas at someone’s get-together, I changed my mind. I knew I couldn’t handle just sex with him, and I told him there and then.

Peter: We both laughed and then went on to enjoy the event with our other friends. We didn’t see each other again. When it was time for me to leave in January 2017, I called her on a whim to ask if she wanted to come with me and a bunch of my friends to the airport. As usual, she claimed last-minute and refused. 

As soon as I landed in Dallas, I started missing her. Although I got back into the flow of work, my friends and relationships there, at the most unexpected moments, I’d just remember her smile or smell. It was crazy.

Please, tell me you started dating soon after

Tonye: Nope. 

Not until December 2018 when we met up at his friend’s lounge. That’s when he asked me out. I told him it wasn’t possible because we lived different lives in different continents and only saw each other once a year. He said he’d move to Nigeria to make it work. I thought he was crazy.

Peter: I wasn’t, as you can see. I honestly didn’t see it as a big deal at the time. I’d spent the first 14 years of my life in Nigeria. I still had some family and friends here, so it wasn’t that crazy of an idea to me.

Tonye: I told him to do it first. In my mind, that was it. I thought he’d never talk about it again. 

We met up twice more on some outings with friends, then I invited him to my apartment warming just before he travelled back in January 2019. I’d just moved into my very first place after living with my parents all my life. 

That was where and when we had our first kiss — a short and warm kiss that happened after he followed me into my bedroom without me noticing. We just kissed, laughed and left the room again. 

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How did things advance?

Peter: I started thinking hard about how to relocate to Nigeria without being broke and jobless. 

The first thing I did was speak to my dad about it. He didn’t freak out like I thought he would. He just advised me not to do it all at once. Instead, I could get a job or start a business in Nigeria, or do both, then gradually move my things and only quit my job in the States when I have everything settled. I did that. 

I offered to help a friend run operations at his start-up. I also used my life savings on an apartment and car I could lease for Uber if I didn’t end up making enough money to keep up a decent lifestyle. All of this took several months of me going back and forth between countries.

Tonye: I didn’t know any of this was going on at the time, mind you.

Peter: I didn’t want to tell her until I’d quit my job in Dallas and there was no going back. This was in September 2019, so when I called and said I was in Nigeria, she didn’t believe me because it wasn’t December yet. I offered to come to her not-so-new apartment to prove it.

When did you both know you’d fallen in love?

Tonye: I mean, when I found out he’d actually relocated to Nigeria. I know it wasn’t entirely for me, but still.

But you barely knew each other

Peter: And we probably never would’ve if we still lived continents apart. I just wanted to give us a chance. There was really nothing holding me back in Dallas. In fact, that city represents most of the trauma I’ve experienced in life — bullying, discrimination, addiction and more. I think I would’ve moved back sooner or later.

Tonye: I think also having a lot of mutual friends at that point helped make us feel super close. We’d been in the same circle for almost a decade at that point, so we were familiar. My mum already knew about him because he’d somehow come up in our conversations about my life.

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Do you remember what your first major fight was about?

Tonye: Yes. Our first major fight was major indeed. It was when I realised what he meant by having a temper. It was scary.

Tonye: I won’t get into details, but like two months after we decided to start dating in September 2019, a friend of ours invited us to a thing. The friend sent the invite through me, and I didn’t know it was because he’d had a falling out with Peter sometime before. 

The whole thing ended with us having a huge fight about it, where he went on a rampage and became another person for up to an hour. I locked myself up in his room and cried the whole evening.

Peter: I’m so sorry.

Tonye: We took a break for some weeks because the experience was so jarring.

How did you guys come back from that?

Tonye: He’s really good at begging for forgiveness, and I’ve come to realise he’s truly helpless to how he reacts to things that upset him. But before I agreed to continue dating, I made sure he committed to seeking therapy and anger management counselling.

Peter: I did it right away. It was bloody expensive but worth it. There’ve been way less episodes since then.

When you say less…

Tonye: I don’t think it’s something he can ever completely heal from because it’s triggered by some deep-set trauma we’d prefer not to get into. At many points in our relationship, I’ve questioned my decision to stay, but at the end of the day, our love and commitment to each other have grown stronger from these experiences. 

For example, the lockdown of 2020 was a huge trial and defining period in our relationship.

Peter: She’d moved in by then. I fell off a few times during the lockdown, and each time, I was so terrified she’d leave, but she didn’t. I knew I had to ask her to marry me in December 2020 when the heat had blown over a bit. Plus, December was our season. For so many years, we only ever saw in December.

Tonye: We didn’t get married for almost another year though because he worked really hard to convince me I’d be making the right decision by sticking with him despite his emotional struggles. Navigating his tempers is still a work in progress for us.

What’s the best thing about being married to each other?

Tonye: We’re sensitive and considerate of each other. This might be controversial, but I’d say I have his temper to thank for that. We don’t give room for even the slightest of anger in our home because we know how destructive it can be, so we’re constantly checking on each other, trying to do right and apologising instead of taking offence. 

Peter: And we’d rather leave the room to clear our heads, then come back and discuss touchy subjects. We don’t let it blow over just for the fun of it. My favourite thing about us is how attuned we are to each other’s pet peeves, and we have all these little things we do to calm each other down.

Tonye: Like I know you hate it when people tease or casually insult you or anyone you care about. So I try as much as possible not to.

Peter: But I also don’t like that you litter and casually stand and talk in open passageways.

Tonye: I don’t like when you just randomly shout in the house because of sports or gist, or dip your finger or cutlery in my food.

Peter: You also don’t like when I try to go on as normal after clearly offending you. It’s been my flawed attempt at keeping my temper in check for years, but I’m unlearning. 

Tonye: I also don’t like when you skinny-shame me.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Peter: 10. I’m so lucky you’ve decided time and time again to stick around.

Tonye: 10. It’s a blessing to watch you slowly grow and heal, and see how committed you are to doing better.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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