Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Nnenna: One Saturday in May 2018, I saw a new female friend’s Instastories where she was hanging out at this get-together. I texted her, and she told me this guy I knew was relocating. I was shocked and wanted to say goodbye to the guy, so I ran there. Only to find out this girl was lying just to get me to leave my house. 

Anyway, the hangout was fun. There were snacks and lots to drink, so I stayed.

That’s how I met Basil. He was one of the guys hanging out there. We started chatting randomly, but I ended up moving to a different guy and kissing him. Later that night, the hangout moved to someone’s street. Basil was there, and the first guy I kissed wasn’t. Basil and I ended up making out that night.

Basil: We kissed for a while. I got her Instagram handle. We talked for a while too. She went home. That night I slid into her DMs, and we started stalking each other on Instagram and SnapChat. More on Snap after a couple of days.

Did you know about the other guy she kissed, Basil?

Basil: It eventually came out because the guy was an asshole. The moment he knew I was starting to like her and talk about her, and we were going to be a thing, he started running his mouth. 

We run in the same circles. He’s a friend of a friend of a friend, so somehow, he was always in my house.

Nnenna: The guy was an idiot. Can you believe he had a girlfriend?

I told Basil about the kiss some weeks after that night. That’s when I heard that the guy had been using me to boast. He even started trying to invite me over for things, whether it was drinks or a hangout or to come to his place. I would send screenshots to Basil telling him to call his “friend” out. Someone who already had a girlfriend, SMH.

How did the drama play out?

Nnenna: Nothing much happened once the guy noticed I was ignoring him. I just stopped hearing from him or seeing him around when I visited Basil or any of our mutual friends.

Basil: Some of my guys confronted him. He eventually got angry and started avoiding us.

Nnenna: I didn’t think too much of it. Basil and I were going strong. I felt like I was completely in love with him because he made me feel special. We hung out a lot and were always texting or calling when we weren’t together. I loved that I had his full attention. 

It was easy because he wasn’t working at the time, and I was just starting an internship, so we had all the time and energy in the world. Then, he told me he was going for his master’s in England and he probably wasn’t coming back to Nigeria.

Ahh. What did that mean for your blossoming relationship?

Basil: My japa plan was in motion a long time before we met. I wasn’t even looking to enter a relationship when we started liking each other, so I was conflicted for a while. But refusing a route out of Obasanjo’s country because of love was something I didn’t feel was an option for me. My parents definitely wouldn’t have heard me out.

When I told her, I was so sure she would cuss me out and then block me, but she didn’t.

Nnenna: I wasn’t that strong. This was a few months after we met, and I was already falling hard. I cried myself to sleep the night he told me. But over the phone, I formed hard guy. I thought he was breaking up with me, so I said, “It’s alright. I understand.” 

A part of me felt he just used me for cruise because he knew he wouldn’t be here for long. He said, “This isn’t over between us. I want us to make this work.” But in my mind, I was like, “This boy is a liar, ahh.” I didn’t think long-distance relationships were realistic at all.

What happened after the big reveal?

Basil: I continued calling her every day until I got busy with travel preparations and all. I noticed she was withdrawing from me in terms of how open she was during our chats. Normally, she’d be so detailed about everything that happened in her office. How her supervisors were exploiting her for basic errands. How some woman kept looking at her anyhow. How her dad doesn’t take her work seriously. How the commute was draining her soul. 

After I told her about my trip, we started having slow, drawn-out conversations that felt more like we were mourning the relationship. It was bittersweet because I knew it meant she really liked me and would miss me. I was just happy she kept taking my calls and staying on them for hours even when we wouldn’t say a word to each other.

Nnenna: I was crying all the time. It was like I was a newlywed whose husband was going off to war or something. I couldn’t even tell my parents why I was moping around the house all the time. They didn’t know about the relationship. They didn’t even think I should be having one so young. 

I’m an only child. My friends didn’t understand why I was so sad because I barely knew him. He wanted me to go with him and his family to the airport on the day of his departure, but I didn’t. I told him I’d meet up with him, and then, I turned off my phone the whole day.

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But why?

Nnenna: I didn’t think I was strong enough for that. I also didn’t want that to be the way I met his family for the first time. Lastly, I still thought it was goodbye forever, but a part of me also wasn’t ready for the closure.

Basil: I was crushed. I cried as I left my family to go check in, and they thought it was because I would miss them. No, I was heartbroken. 

Nnenna: We didn’t speak to each other again for months.

Basil: I was angry with her for breaking my heart.

Nnenna: I literally felt the same way. See life.

How did things pick back up?

Basil: She just WhatsApped me one day after like three months, asking how school was going.

Nnenna: I missed him. I was angry he didn’t reach out, but I figured I’d make the first move, and if he didn’t return my energy after a while, I’d chop my L and withdraw. I thought, at the very least, we could still be friends.

Basil: To be honest, I hadn’t reached out to her because I was so overwhelmed with the workload in those first few months that I couldn’t even think. The moment I saw her WhatsApp, it was like God was telling me he still loved me. I grabbed my phone and texted her back. That’s how we kicked things back up.

So a long-distance relationship? How did that work?

Basil: I told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend pretty early on. While we were in Nigeria, we actually never made it official. 

Nnenna: That was funny because, before him, I always said I’d never take any guy seriously who didn’t ask for a committed relationship point blank. Now, I know you can always tell when something is serious. Action is stronger than words. 

After he asked me to be his girlfriend, we started talking about how I’d join him in London. I started applying for scholarships up and down. I needed something fully funded because I knew raising money for me to relocate wasn’t part of my parents’ plans. I must’ve applied over 200 times in that first year, but nothing reasonable came through.

Basil: In the meantime, we did a lot of talking, video calling and stalking each other on Snapchat. I “virtually” went along with her to most of the events she attended. 

We still have daily calls and check-ins and virtual dates. The pandemic really helped us because the tech world stepped up with cool new ways to help people connect virtually. We loved it when Netflix Party became a thing. We enjoyed all those virtual museum tours that became available during that period too. 

Nnenna: We’d have most of our meals together over Zoom, and when MTN wasn’t being our opp, it really helped us feel like we’re part of the meaningful aspects of each other’s lives.

We should do that more often actually. I miss that.

Have either of you ever been tempted to move on with someone within reach?

Basil: Yes. All the time. I second guess our relationship all the time, especially with pressure from friends. 

But it never lasts. I just like her too much at the moment. We’re so connected because we always communicate. I see her every day even though we’re not even on the same continent. Our relationship feels very real, and I constantly long for her, so it’s difficult to let go. Not that I want to. 

Nnenna: We talk about it a lot too. We always reassess where we stand with each other. Sometimes, a guy would flirt with me. I think he’s really cute, someone I might date. But the next thing I know, I’m telling Basil about him and laughing it off. I just wish it was easier to travel or relocate as a Nigerian. I’ve had my visa application denied four times for no reason. It’s hell, and everything is so expensive.

Basil: It’s like the universe is making it harder because we both want it so much. Every year, one family member or the other gets their visa approved on the first try.

Nnenna: Sometimes, I’m scared we might end up moving on from each other, but I don’t want that day to come. My parents always tell me I’m behaving like this because I’m still young. They say things like, “You’re wasting your youth on what may never be.”

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How do you feel about their lack of support for the relationship?

Nnenna: I don’t know how I feel about it. Sad? Worried? I know they’re reacting out of fear because they see me constantly on my phone or laptop, caught up with some guy who has an established life across the ocean. They’re worried I might get hurt.

But I just know how Basil makes me feel seen and loved all the time.

Basil: My parents get like that too sometimes, but it’s not as bad because I also have to speak with them over the phone. I used to get this vibe that they didn’t think I should be so serious about a girl who was still in Nigeria. My mum liked to ask, “Haven’t you met any nice Nigerian girls in London yet?” 

But since 2023, they’ve come to realise I’m serious about our relationship. I’m already making plans to return to Naij for the first time since I left, just to see her again. I’ve been saving for it. The plan is to come in the summer and get away together for up to a week.

What are the chances of an in-person relationship anytime soon?

Nnenna: I don’t know. I thought for sure I would’ve joined him by now. But now, I’m wondering where I got that certainty from knowing I have no substantial funding from anywhere.

Basil: Last month, I asked her to marry me.

Nnenna: We’re not officially engaged yet. I haven’t told my parents or friends, and we don’t have a ring. Only us and his parents know. It feels wild, but I’m excited. I’m scared of the unknown but excited still.

Basil: I’m scared too. I have no idea what I’m doing. But we go run am.

A long-distance marriage?

Basil: God, no! 

With us married, it’d be easier for her to get her visa approved and to get both our families to support us in cash and kind. Of course, we’ve both been saving for a while too.

Nnenna: We’re not rushing to do the wedding, but once we do, we’ll go ham on my relocation plans. 

Have you had any major fights so far?

Basil: The number one thing we fight about is when I try to “lecture” after she vents about something. This is an old one because I’ve come to learn my lesson and stop “mansplaining”, as she calls it.

Nnenna: Urggh. In the first year of our relationship since he left, I’d rant to him maybe about a work issue, and he’d start telling me how to fix it like I’m not thinking straight. He’d be like, “Don’t react like this. Take a breather. This is why this is happening. Have you made a plan to solve that?” I’d get so worked up because obviously, I know I’ll figure it out once I’m not angry anymore.

Basil: I realised that when she rants, she just wants me to be a listening ear and support her motion. I used to get upset that she was upset I told her the truth. Then I’d still have to apologise. Ahh. Tough times.

Nnenna: We also fight over him Netflix cheating on me!

Sorry?

Nnenna: We have virtual movie dates every weekend, but sometimes, especially when it’s a series we’re watching together, he’d watch some episodes during the week without me. I think it’s the subtlest but heaviest betrayal of trust. Then he’d try to pretend he didn’t, but the truth always comes out.

Basil: I can’t help it that I have better internet and more time. And I haven’t done that in a while. I’m sorry, love.

Nnenna: It’s so annoying. 

One time, I was on leave throughout the week, but I still waited for our agreed-upon time on Saturday so we could continue watching a show. For some reason, we didn’t get to watch it that weekend. Do you know this guy still went ahead and watched the whole season later on without me? 

When I remembered and asked that we finally watch it, he just told me he’d already seen it all. I was so pained. I still haven’t finished that show till today.

Basil: Again, I plead for your forgiveness.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Basil: A high 7. The long-distance is killing me. Does that sound like the lyrics to an old song?

Nnenna: Yeah. 7 too. 

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

SUPER RELATED: Love Life: We Got Married So We Can Be Gay in Peace

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Yemi: We met at Bogobiri House in 2015. 

A friend invited me to his friend’s live music performance, and I went because I was trying to get out more and expand my circle. I’d just transitioned from a highly demanding job to a more laid-back role, and it felt like I could finally breathe and be human. I think that outing was my first since I switched jobs, so I probably behaved like someone who was just let out of jail.

Anyway, at some point, this fine babe walked in with two or three of her friends, all girls. I just found myself staring at her as she walked by and sat by the bar during the show. I’d liked guys for a long time at that point, but I noticed her because she just had an aura. I knew I wanted to get to know her.

Joy: I tagged along with my friends from another event. From Bogobiri, we were supposed to go somewhere again. But then, when we wanted to leave like two hours later, he walked up to us to say hi. I thought he looked good so when he asked to exchange numbers, I gave him my number. 

He ended up coming with us and one of his friends to our next destination – a club. It was a Saturday night. We all hung out for a while then figured out how we would get home together. I ended up in the same cab as him, as the two people who didn’t have cars. He dropped off first and made me swear I’d text him when I was home and safe. So I did. 

And that’s how the whole thing started.

What started exactly?

Joy: We would text and hang out all the time. Lunch today, drinks tomorrow, company events, sometimes. Most times, his and my friends would be there too, but we both knew we were getting close to each other. 

I had a girlfriend at the time. We were pretty secretive about our relationship, as you can imagine. But we were still serious about each other until she decided to marry a man and we became more like a complicated situation. When it was five months into my new friendship with Yemi, I realised I was really lonely and wanted to be in something that felt secure, something I could be open about even if it wasn’t completely real. 

So I tried to tease him into asking me out.

Yemi: I noticed she was coming on to me, but I didn’t want to reveal anything to her yet. I don’t know exactly why I asked her to be my girlfriend till today. Maybe a part of me just wanted to eat my cake and have it. I wanted to be close to her. I liked her laidback personality, and this woman is a beaut. Are you seeing her? But I also didn’t want her to know I was gay. I know that sounds stupid.

Not really. I’m curious how the relationship progressed considering your conflicting sexualities

Joy: We didn’t get into it right away. 

First, we talked for about two to three months, and I do think we have such a strong emotional connection. You know how people say you can cheat just by offering yourself emotionally to people besides your partner or family members? I know what they mean. He really does feel like my soulmate despite my lack of interest in being intimate with him.

Yemi: We’re the best of friends. Our talking stage was one of the few great periods of my life, especially as I was just coming into having a social life at the time. We’d dissect things about each other. It was a period of soul-searching for me. She helped me discover what my preferences were. What was my favourite food or colour or kind of ambiance? She made me figure those things out.

Joy: I found it fascinating that he was just figuring out simple things like that about himself. It felt like he was finding himself through our discussions, and I was so happy to be a part of that. I knew what it was like to work at an intense, cut-throat job that takes like five years of your life without you even noticing. 

I think, after that, we started to really need those conversations and verbal support from each other. I liked how open he was to listening to my thoughts and things I was happy or frustrated about without feeling like he needed to advise me or instruct me on the “right” decisions to make. 

When did things get serious between you two?

Joy: We pretty much just started having more private outings. We’d go on dates just to talk more in person and have a good time alone together. But during this time, I did notice that he never tried to touch me or steal a kiss like guys tried to do in the past — even guys I wasn’t trying to get into a relationship with. I loved that he respected boundaries. Little did I know the real reason why.

Yemi: I was having a good time enjoying her company, but also debating in my head when I should come clean. I didn’t want her to run just yet. Around that time, I was sleeping with this guy I liked, but I still felt very lonely. On the other hand, I felt like I was cheating on two counts. Still, I went on with it because her company just made me happy. 

Joy: Beyond the dates, he’d send me money all the time, so I started putting in effort to get him elaborate gifts on special occasions. We got to know each other’s parents — and they were all relieved that we weren’t gay — and we hadn’t even kissed at this point. I didn’t bring it up because I was completely okay with that.

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Please, at what point did the truth come out?

Yemi: It was getting to a year since we became more committed to each other, and we were talking more than ever, sharing some really sensitive details about our lives and past. 

When I told her about it, it came so naturally. It was just time. I was like “I love you, but romantically, I like men.” I know it’s crazy, but because of the conversation we were having when it came out, I didn’t expect her to be shocked or angry at all. And she wasn’t. She was just like “Oh. I saw that coming.” And that’s when I knew she was my best friend. Just the tone and the look on her face. I knew she got me.

Joy: I smiled at him. But I didn’t tell him my part until much later. We continued like nothing had changed. We were even closer than ever. We were in each other’s flats all the time. We went everywhere together, except maybe work.

Why didn’t you just tell right away? 

Joy: I didn’t want to overdo it with the revelations. I also wanted his own to land first. I had to process what that meant to our relationship, how lucky we actually were — two gays of opposite genders getting along so well. I didn’t want to potentially ruin that yet.

Yemi: Don’t mind her. She wanted to drag out my internal torture just a bit longer.

Joy: I was also spinning a plan together that I wanted to give myself time to sell to him.

Which was?

Joy: We could properly commit and give ourselves the freedom to be who we really were. I mean, what were the chances that we, gay millennials, would ever have the chance to be with and marry people we were actually attracted to? 

I always tell people I’ve been cursed with an eternally broken heart. You think the streets are tough for you as a straight person? Try dating when everyone involved knows they don’t have to commit because they legally can’t. I thought, since we were in the same boat and understood each other so well, we could be each other’s family then get romance and sex elsewhere. 

It’s worked out well for us so far.

Yemi: It’s not the most ideal situation, but she’s right, it works. I know I waited a year to tell her the truth about me, but I would’ve been miserable if I ended up having to lie to someone for real just because I wanted to get married and have a home. So many Nigerians do that, but I didn’t want to be forced to be that guy. I’m glad I met Joy.

Joy, how did you eventually own up and reveal your plan?

Joy: It took a couple of months. 

It was a week to my birthday and we were making plans for a picnic with a few of our friends. I said I would’ve preferred it if it was just the two of us, and he frowned just a little bit. Then he said he’d love that too, but he hoped he wasn’t leading me on. When he said, “I can’t really offer you much beyond companionship”, my heart broke because I knew I wanted him in my life forever. I absolutely wanted the companionship he thought wasn’t a big deal.

Yemi: Meanwhile, I was beating myself up about everything.

Joy: I just started crying, and I saw the panic in his face. He thought I was heartbroken for the wrong reasons. But I couldn’t say anything because I was crying too hard. He started apologising, saying he’d step back and leave me alone if that’s what I wanted. I had to force the words out of my mouth that that was the last thing I wanted. When I calmed down, I told him I was a lesbian and I was sorry I didn’t tell him sooner. 

He actually said he didn’t believe me.

Yemi: I honestly didn’t. I thought she was pulling my legs or just trying to make me feel better. For a slim second, I even thought she made it up just because she liked me so much that she didn’t want me to leave.

Joy: But why are you so conceited?

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Why does it feel like you proposed to each other right after this episode?

Yemi: Not exactly. But she did tell me we could stay committed so we could both be gay in peace. While it felt conniving in a way, it also sounded like the answer to all my relationship problems.

Joy: My birthday came and went, and we basically stayed strong. I was at an age when everyone you know is married with two kids and people start asking you when your own will come. So, in my head, I was like let’s just do it. I was that sure I wanted to be committed to him. But at the same time, I wasn’t in a hurry. I wasn’t desperate for it. I was happy and independent, my career was going well and good enough money was coming in.

Yemi: It wasn’t until 2019, almost three years after we’d opened our closet to each other, that we started talking seriously about what our future together would look like. We’d both had steady sleeping partners for a while. It was time to be sure we were still on the same page. When she promised me she was, I went and got a ring and proposed to her over dinner at my place — I cooked!

Joy: The food was great; fried yam and stir-fry sauce. I debated telling him no at first. But I couldn’t do it. I said yes immediately, and we fell asleep on the couch after finishing a bottle of red wine between us. I called my mum first thing in the morning.

How was the wedding? Did you feel anyhow about the real situation of things as your families fussed over you?

Joy: They didn’t really fuss over us. My parents had given away three daughters at that point. They’d long given up on me. But yes, I wanted to tell my aunties that I was really a lesbian and this was all a cover, just to rile them up. Obviously, nothing would’ve been worth all the drama that would’ve caused.

Yemi: It was during COVID, so it was a quiet wedding. Most of my friends, the groomsmen, were queer. So besides maybe the elders in my family, I wasn’t really deceiving anyone. And for the elders, don’t we all have to deceive them over one thing or the other because they refuse to modernise their minds? 

I won’t say I didn’t feel anyhow, but the fact that I knew Joy wasn’t in the dark on anything, and she actually initiated the idea, made me at peace. 

Joy: At the end of the day, we really do love each other and are best of friends. It might be platonic, but I believe it’s just as powerful as the romantic version.

And what’s married life like while hiding your sexuality from the world?

Joy: There’s been drama, but not too much. Thankfully, our society doesn’t expect PDAs anyway, so we’re good.

Yemi: It’s been just as dramatic as any other marriage can be. We have squabbles over the littlest things: toothbrushes, who should take out the trash, what to watch on TV. Oh, and figuring out our plan for kids was one long drama that brought in most of our family.

Joy: Shockingly, we didn’t have a broad enough conversation about children before the wedding. We knew we wouldn’t be having sex, but we somehow also wanted kids. There were the IVF or surrogacy options, but we didn’t have that kind of money at first, especially after paying for the rent and renovation of our new three-bedroom flat.

Yemi: So when, a year into our marriage, my mother started bringing up kids, we felt so sheepish. It came down to having sex just for procreation.

Joy: I couldn’t do it. I absolutely didn’t want to do it. In fact, I was so convinced it would ruin us and everything we’d built because I knew it would be an unpleasant experience for both of us. This hung over our heads for months, like it was the biggest life-changing decision of our lives.

Yemi: It was, in a way. 

In the end, we decided to save up for a couple of months for the IVF. But then, it failed three whole times. We had a daughter in July 2023, and I like to ring it in her ears that we went bankrupt just to have her.

What about the “extra-marital” affairs? How do you navigate them within your marriage?

Yemi: You mean, the people we actually have sex with? It’s been strangely easy to manage so far. I was sure that was what would strain our marriage and have us ready to throw hands, but no. My current partner loves Joy and is in our home helping with our daughter a couple of nights a week. It might seem weird or complicated, but it really isn’t. Joy hasn’t quite had a steady partner in some time though.

Joy: No. For now, I’m okay with being purely maternal and a great companion. 

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Yemi: 10/10

Joy: Let’s call a spade a spade, please.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

Another complicated relationship story here: Love Life: I’m Not Sure What We Are Anymore

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Abiodun: Walking onto a train from Ibadan to Lagos and seeing her in the seat beside the one I was assigned. It was a fateful afternoon on May 21, 2022. After I sat, she looked at me with this bombastic side-eye.

Saidat: I did not. I was just hoping to travel without a seat partner that day. But he smelt nice, so I found myself smiling after a while. It was a nice first meeting.

Why was it a nice first meeting?

Saidat: He was a cool guy. I knew he was a bit older, and he acted his age. Very mature. We started a casual conversation some minutes into the ride. I think he mentioned how impressed he was with the quality of the train. He didn’t expect to be so comfortable. 

It was his first time on it. Meanwhile, I was serving in Ibadan and had schooled in UI, so I’d taken the train several times already. I commented that he thinks too lowly of Nigeria. That’s how we discussed other topics and three hours passed like beans. It was my fastest train trip ever.

Abiodun: I was immediately interested in her because of how smoothly our conversations went. I hadn’t had that in a while with someone I’d just met. I admired her smartness too. She’s an original efiko.

Where did things go from there?

Abiodun: Naturally, I collected her number as we got ready to disembark. I wanted to ask her if she wanted to get something to eat with me, but I was in a hurry to meet up with an appointment, so we parted ways.

Saidat: Once I left the station, I didn’t think much of it again. I think I told my elder sister about this guy I had a good rapport with on the train, then I put him at the back of my mind. I came to Lagos for an event and was returning to IB the next day.

Abiodun: I, on the other hand, couldn’t stop thinking about her, so I called the next day and was so disappointed she’d left for Ibadan already. I wasn’t due back till a week later. As soon as I got back, I called her again. I don’t even know why. I just wanted to see her in a different scenario.

And what was the next meeting like?

Abiodun: It took about a week before she agreed to go see a movie with me. We didn’t end up seeing the movie because they changed the schedule last minute, and we had to wait almost two hours for the next reasonable movie. We ended up sitting down for ice cream and pizza.

Saidat: It was fun. We talked some more, got to know each other. And I enjoyed the conversation once again. He paid for everything, including my transport back and forth. That’s when I knew this uncle probably wanted something more. But I liked that he respected himself and wasn’t too forward. 

I’d been talking to some other guys at the time, but he went to the top of my list quickly because we just got each other. Talking to him about personal things was easy, even over the phone. I also liked that he, unlike all the other guys, had a steady job and seemed to have his life figured out. 

We continued on in this talking stage until I moved back to Lagos after I passed out of NYSC in November.

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Why did the talking stage take seven months?

Abiodun: It sounds crazy, but it didn’t feel that way at the time. We were just taking all the time we needed to get to know each other deeply and be friends first.

Saidat: I was comfortable with it. We didn’t have to define anything too soon because I was at a point in my life when I was figuring out who I was and what I wanted. But then, the lines blurred while we were in Ibadan. We were technically in a talking stage, but soon, other things started happening. 

By the time I left in November, we were more like a situation.

When you say “other things”…

Saidat: Things got physical. I was a corper. I wasn’t taking life seriously at the time.

Abiodun: The attraction was there. The feelings were there. But she wasn’t just in the right frame of mind yet, and I wanted to give her the space to figure herself out.

Saidat: November came and I was back in Lagos facing the job market and full adulthood. Though we said we’d continue figuring out what we had, the new distance between us made it harder for things to move forward. We spoke over the phone on and off until it was getting to Valentine’s Day 2023. I told him I was expecting a lot from him since he’d been leading me on for so long.

Abiodun: I took a leave from work and came to Lagos the weekend before Valentine. We spent about three days hanging out. Sometime on the day itself, I decided we had to label our relationship once and for all.

Saidat: That night, he called me and said, “Can I call you my girlfriend now?” I wanted to say yes, but then, I remembered he was still based in Ibadan. I wasn’t hoping to live there again anytime soon. I asked if he ever planned to relocate to Lagos. He said no. I was torn. I couldn’t imagine myself doing long distance forever. So I posted him. 

I thought the relationship would end there, but guess who started visiting Ibadan every month from then on?

Hmm. A finished woman?

Abiodun: We went back and forth on our special train to see each other. She came more because it took her a while to get a job. Then she got a bank job and our visits reduced to every other month. At a point, my neighbours started calling her my wife. Mind you, we still hadn’t committed.

Saidat: I didn’t like the long-distance thing at all. I didn’t think it was sustainable. But I’d been talking to other guys and not a single one was meeting my small standards. They weren’t as easy to get along with as AB, so I didn’t want to let him go. 

He was helpful in ways I don’t get from these guys either. I mean, career advice and such. My relatives are helpful, but he just knows a lot about how to get ahead and helps me stay disciplined.

Have you guys worked out the distance problem yet?

Saidat: Nope. We’re still on it. I’ve been travelling to see him less since I got deep into office work some months ago. These days, I’m just tired and want to sleep any time I have a little free time. But we’re always talking over the phone, and sometimes, it feels like we’re already dating. Other times, it’s like we’re just best friends. I don’t know how to figure it out.

Abiodun: I know last last, I’ll have to relocate if I want this to work. I’m already searching for opportunities in Lagos. I need to show her I’m serious about her. But right now, she’s not even giving me face. I’m not so sure what we are anymore.

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Are you sure about moving? Don’t you have family in Ibadan?

Abiodun: I do. My mum. But I live alone. If I move to Lagos, I can still always visit. Many of my friends are in Lagos already. It’s the place everyone wants to be. 

The only reason I haven’t moved since is because I work with an established company. I’ve been with them for seven years now. They retained me after my own NYSC, and it’s one of those jobs people pray for. I can’t just let it go like that. That’s why any opportunity that brings me to Lagos has to make sense.

Saidat: I’m not saying you should leave your perfect job for me o.

Abiodun: My mum won’t mind me leaving as long as it’s for greener pastures, and I can continue sending funds for my two younger siblings’ school fees.

Saidat, how does your family feel about the relationship?

Saidat: Only my siblings know for now, and they’re supportive. They don’t want me to move back to IB though. But mostly because they don’t want to be apart from me. My elder sister also doesn’t want to see me move in with a man so early.

Abiodun: I’ve met all her siblings, and they love me. I can’t wait to meet her parents too. It’s clear to see they’re such a close-knit family unlike what I’m used to. I can’t wait to experience that with her.

But what if you’re never able to move to be with her?

Abiodun: Never say never. There’s always a way. Why won’t Lagos have a good enough opportunity for me? It’s only a matter of time.

Saidat: Energy! I think we’ll be fine either way. Maybe I’ll talk myself into moving to be with him.

Abiodun: Something must sha happen. I’m tired of this one step forward two steps backward in our relationship. I keep thinking I’ll wake up one morning and she’ll say, “Sorry, I’ve moved on with someone else.” Distance is a bastard sha. 

Have you had a major fight yet?

Abiodun: No. No major fights.

Saidat: But we argue about the distance a lot. He also gets touchy when I tell him men are toasting me.

Abiodun: People are always in her DMs or chatting her up on WhatsApp. Why did I have to fall for such a hot cake, God? These days, I just take it in my stride and appreciate her for being transparent with me. It’s not like I’m not talking to girls on my side either.

Saidat: We’re not exactly exclusive right now. But I think deep down, he’ll always have my heart.

That’s nice

Saidat: Another thing we fight about when I’m at his place is little things like cleaning after himself and not wanting me to move things around too much. He lives in organised chaos and still acts protective over where things like his remotes or toiletries are kept. He’s getting too used to this bachelor life.

Abiodun: This is why you need to come and save me from it.

Saidat: Who is saving you?

Won’t this become an issue when you finally enter the relationship?

Saidat: If it becomes an issue, it’ll be a really small one. We won’t have to make into a big deal. I think it’s one of those relationship differences you have to tolerate. 

Abiodun: I don’t even remember the scenarios she’s describing. It’s definitely a small thing. We’re very easygoing with each other. We cut each other some slack because we know neither of us is perfect. Let’s get past the relationship huddle first.

Can you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Abiodun: We neva even start. 1 o. Or 2, just so you know there’s love there.

Saidat: Come on nau. Me, I’ll say 5. I think we’d have drifted apart a long time ago if we didn’t have something good. You’ve actually been my personal person in so many ways so far. Thank you.

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What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Nnanna: She was bosom friends with my youngest sisters. I remember them playing together a lot. Sometimes, after the holidays, my mum would put them in the same car, with all their boxes, to go to boarding school in the South-West. We grew up together because our fathers were friends and business partners, almost kin. We’re from neighbouring villages in Abi, Enugu State.

Stella: I remember him as a much older brother I couldn’t dare talk to. My own older brother was much younger than him.

I only ever saw him when I went to their house to visit his sisters. But they came to mine more often, so I only saw him a couple of times before I went off to university in 1984.

Did you become friends afterward?

Nnanna: No. I never really thought about her until my father started pressuring me to find a responsible girl to build my home for me. As soon as I turned 30, he decided it was time for me to settle and told me he knew the perfect woman to make me happy. He didn’t force the decision on me but asked me to trust that he could make the right choice for me based on his wide experience.

Stella: After graduating in 1988, I returned home and my own father called to speak with me. He told me one of his friend’s sons had asked to marry me. I laughed because me and my dad had such a cordial relationship. I didn’t think he was serious.

Later, my mother came to talk to me too. She convinced me that having someone older, more responsible and financially free, who was already ready to commit, was a lucky thing. I’d be safe from wasting away my youth testing the waters with boys who hadn’t even figured out their lives yet.

How did you feel about that, Stella?

Stella: I was stubborn for a short while because I didn’t like that the decision was made for me. But once I met him again after close to five years, and we talked, I saw my mother’s point. I was infatuated almost immediately.

How did things proceed from there?

Nnanna: From the very beginning, it was clear our fathers’ goal was to consolidate their businesses. My father had made similar “love matches” between my brothers and children of other business or political figures in his network. I didn’t mind it, but we also didn’t marry immediately because my heart wasn’t in it for the longest time. 

We courted for another three years before I told my father I was ready and we started the traditional proceedings.

Stella: I was happy to wait. I wanted to start my career without distraction from marriage or children. I was still in my early 20s and wanted to enjoy my singleness for a bit. I never really thought about love during this period because he always sent gifts and made other kind gestures. His constant effort made me believe I was always on his mind. 

I had fairytale wishes of passionate love thanks to our romance books those days, but my mum always made it clear to me and my sisters that those were unrealistic. She’d give us lectures about the “real world”, and those helped me endure a lot later on.

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What was it like during the traditional rites?

Stella: I remember being tired throughout. When we started with the introduction and house calls, I was excited. But he told me I was childish to be so excited. That deflated my initial energy. He grumbled about how unnecessary the whole thing was since we all knew each other.

Nnanna: What was the point of the introductions when our families were already so close? I knew all the ceremony we would have to engage in, so I just wanted to be done with it all.

Stella: Our families were all overjoyed. It was a perfect, long-awaited union in their books. But for me, it was the moment when I realised I didn’t know this man I was marrying at all. We’d barely said two sentences to each other in four years. 

I suddenly had a bad feeling about everything. I had no idea how I’d gotten there. 

I shared my misgivings with one of my sisters, and she convinced me it was just nerves. I didn’t have the nerve to tell my parents anything.

Did you try to talk to him, and how did you both get through this stage?

Stella: There was no opportunity to. The wedding period was this big dramatic affair that didn’t really leave much room for clear thought and conversation. Everyone was organising one thing or the other. My friends were with me. One of them said I should speak out if I wasn’t happy with everything. I don’t know if I’d have even known how to approach him to say, “I’m not doing again.” Why? I didn’t even know why.

Nnanna: In the midst of it all, I was constantly working. I helped my father with the family business — some miscellaneous retail stores around Enugu and Anambra — so I was figuring out logistics and meeting business partners. My head wasn’t even in the wedding at all. So I don’t know how I’d have reacted if she even came to tell me any of that. It was a much different time then than it is now.

Stella: After almost a month of all the customary rites, we had our traditional wedding and a church wedding a week later. I think the week between the traditional and church was when we got to talk and get to know each other. I know that sounds amazing after we had almost four years to court, right? 

It does

Stella: That’s because I wouldn’t even call that period “courtship”. We didn’t go on dates or communicate beyond the regular gifts, odd phone call or greetings through my father. I can’t explain it myself what we spent those four years doing. We somehow survived together on the strength of a promise our fathers made us make.

What was life like after the wedding?

Stella: Things moved rather quickly until I found myself with my first two sons and unhappy. He was married to work and business while I was extremely lonely.

Nnanna: As soon as we got married, I convinced her to stop working, and I think that was the worst mistake I could’ve ever made. That singular act turned both of us into the worst versions of ourselves. 

Why do you think you asked her to?

Nnanna: I thought it was my way of spoiling her. I didn’t want her to have to stress over anything.

Stella: But then, he looked down on me the longer I relied on him for everything. When he was stressed about cash flow, he’d take it out on me, throwing insults and being aggressive.
I had to ask for every little thing, and I didn’t like that. But when I realised I should get back to work, I was almost five years out of the job market with two kids and no idea how to get back in. 

The worst part was he was rarely home, so I had nothing to do with all the free time. Over time, I learnt to find communities in church and my old friends, have personal projects like writing or volunteering and participate in my children’s school activities. But those first five to ten years were difficult. 

Nnanna: I’ll admit I didn’t realise how hard it was for her until much later. I thought she was lucky to not have to struggle to get out of the house early and work late just to make enough money to afford our lifestyle.

Did you talk to him about these things?

Stella: I couldn’t talk to him. He had this cold, unapproachable exterior that’s warmed up a bit now that he’s older. I came into the marriage with way more respect for him than love, and that was extremely hard to outgrow. 

There were times when we slept in separate rooms for up to a year because he wanted his space.

Nnanna: I was under a lot of pressure business-wise, and I didn’t want the stress to affect her.

Stella: I thought he hated me. And when I went crying to my mother or elder sister, they’d tell me to grow a thicker skin. “This is adulthood. You’re an adult now.” Then I‘d feel ashamed for going to them.

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Did you figure things out on your own?

Stella: More or less. It took time. 

This was our reality for years, and we learnt to live with it. It took us growing older and asking ourselves, “Do we have anything between us to keep this marriage together?” This was in 2012, on our 20th wedding anniversary. The kids were all in boarding school, with our eldest in university, and we found that we had nothing to celebrate. 

Nnanna: I didn’t remember it was our 20th until my assistant mentioned it while making arrangements for gifts to send to Stella. She said, “Don’t you think you should take her out instead since this is the 20th?” I agreed and told her to make the arrangements. But some hours later, Stella called me upset.

Stella: First, why couldn’t he call me himself? Why send his assistant? I told him we had nothing to celebrate. I’m glad I acted on impulse because, for the first time in 20 years of marriage, we had a proper conversation about our relationship.

How did that go?

Nnanna: That night, we sat down in our room and talked. It wasn’t a long talk, but we committed to doing more things together. We talked about a small jewellery business she’d started on her own, and right away, I put money into it. We also started attending my club meetings together. 

Things didn’t change overnight, but with these small things we started doing, I’ve seen how it has improved the situation of things in our marriage.

In what ways? 

Stella: We’d grown apart over the first two decades. We led separate lives and only came together to perform our marital duties and talk about our children’s welfare. We ended up having six boys so that elongated the period of emotional separation. Imagine that he didn’t know I had a one-year-old jewellery business, and we lived under the same roof. 

We now talk to each other more often.

Nnanna: I think it also improved my tendency to “protect” her from things by keeping them away from her. I’m actually relieved when I can share my burdens with her now. Old age helps because as a young man, I had more ego. I didn’t want her to see me as weak or incapable of taking care of her or providing in any way. I wasn’t willing to realise that the pressure also made me treat her badly.

Stella: That’s true. There’s way less pressure on him now that he’s more or less retired.

Nnanna: And just like she said earlier, having six children put a strain on us physically, mentally and financially. We had to focus on raising them at the expense of our marriage like most good parents end up doing. I don’t regret making that sacrifice. But I regret having so many children that made us make that sacrifice for longer than we had to. 

This is not to say I don’t love each of my six young men equally.

Of course. How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Stella: 7. We’re still building the love part, but we’ve come a long way after our shaky foundation.

Nnanna: Well said. I’m in agreement.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

RELATED: Love Life: Finances Were Tight But Love Makes You Creative

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Izzy: Saint Saviour’s High School in 2011. We were in SS 3, and I was our biology teacher’s favourite, so she’d send me to all the SS 3 classes to write her assignments on the board. In Jemima’s class, her friend would tease her saying her husband was here. I would just smile, do my work and leave. 

Jemima: I saw him a year before that. We went on an excursion to Silverbird Galleria in SS 2. He was jovial and talked to a lot of people. When we returned to school, and I needed to reach my mum, he offered me his phone to call her. I just thought, “This is a really nice person”.

Izzy: Oh, I remember that too. 

I transferred to the school in SS2. The first time I saw her and walked up to her, she just felt like home. She had this warm energy about her, and I wanted to do everything I could to help. But after that, we didn’t interact directly again. I’m not sure why.

When did you realise you liked each other?

Izzy: I attended a computer training school with my twin while applying to universities. Jemima joined the school at some point. She was still just a friend then, but I remember she used to dress very nice. She’s dark-skinned, and she’d wear all kinds of silver jewellery — necklaces, bracelets, whatever — that popped so well on her skin. It made her look very beautiful. Every day I saw her, I developed feelings, although we remained friends for many more years.

Jemima: At the computer school, there was a particular day I had to go to his house — we lived in the same area — to wait for my mum to get back from work. I was so tired I just sat with him and his twin in their sitting room as they were gisting. I don’t even remember what the conversation was about, but I loved how he spoke and reasoned. 

Izzy, why didn’t you just ask her out right away?

Izzy: Because we were friends already na, and that’s something too. It took about nine years before I even tried to go beyond that.

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Ah. So when did you both know you’d fallen in love?

Izzy: As friends, we saw each other a lot. I was always moving around the country for work, but she’d try to see me whenever I was in Lagos or Ibadan. If I were anywhere else, she’d always reach out. She was consistent with her approach. One day, I was at my best friend’s house in Ajah, and after work, she took an Uber to visit me. She came with catfish, so she made us pepper soup and then did some cleaning. She took responsibility even though we were at my friend’s house and he was supposed to be our host. I think my love language is when people do something tangible for me. She slept over, and I asked her out that night in 2019.

Jemima: Well, for me, it was the fact that I like when people understand me. You know when something is happening, and you think you’re overreacting or going crazy. But you explain it to someone and they just get it. We were having a conversation once, and that happened. I think that’s when I fell in love with him. I knew with him I’d have someone I could always talk to who’d understand things from my point of view. That night at his friend’s, we had a conversation about sex and how I wanted to wait till I was married. His response made me happy.

What was his response?

Jemima: He said he understood and respected my decision. He never disturbed me about sex after that till we got married.

Do you remember what your first major fight was about?

Izzy: We never fought as friends. But fast forward to after she became my fiancée in 2020. She visited me in Ibadan when the lockdown became lenient, and my best friend was around. They went to a restaurant before I got back from work. I’d already told Jemima I wanted my food as takeaway, but somehow, my friend influenced her to order it to be eaten in and that I’d come soon. When I got there, I saw my food was already served, and it was getting cold. They’d already eaten, so I also had to rush the food. Plus, I wasn’t even ready to eat yet. I wasn’t happy with Jemima, and I told her when we got home. It wouldn’t have been an issue because I was just communicating my feelings to her. Normally, she would’ve apologised, but he instigated her, and the whole thing blew up into our first major fight. 

Jemima: More like a misunderstanding. It wasn’t from either of us. It was a third-party influence. We hardly ever fight.

Goals. Meanwhile, fiancée? What was the proposal like?

Izzy: It wasn’t dramatic. Just the two of us spontaneously agreeing to forever, one day at my house.

How has this relationship been different from past ones?

Izzy: She’s been a friend for a long time, and we’ve been there for each other through the relationships we’ve had with other people, which is rare. Also, Jemima is a very peaceful person. Life gets stormy, but for me, she calms the storm. She’s always been there for me and is someone I can rely on to do what she says she will. Unlike other people who are mostly concerned with being young, silly and just fooling around, she’s a reliable partner. I can trust her with my life.

Jemima: When I lost my dad in 2015, we hadn’t spoken in a while because I attended Covenant University and phones weren’t allowed. But he was the first person to reach out to me, and he didn’t even know I’d lost my dad. He just called randomly and knew something was wrong from how I sounded. He keeps talking about my consistency, but he was consistent too. Even on my graduation day in 2017, he came with his friend all the way to Ogun State from Kano. Izzy is always there for me, and that support is key, even more than love.

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What’s the most unconventional thing about your relationship?

Izzy: I’m a Muslim and Jemima is a Christian. Getting our parents to even agree to the marriage was a huge struggle. But for us to be able to build a relationship, marry and even have a child just proves we don’t care about labels. We’ve built on what’s most important to us: the friendship we had from day one, the trust we’ve built and our compatibility.

Jemima: Another thing is we don’t follow society’s rules about what a marriage should be like. We’re more like friends committed to a lifetime together. There’s nothing like gender roles; we share everything equally. We both work, take turns caring for our young daughter, cook, clean, run errands, etc. We’re just laid back about our marriage.

How has the relationship changed you?

Izzy: It’s my social life that’s changed sha. The rest has remained the same. The “bachelor” me can stay home seven days a week, 12 months a year. Meeting Jemima’s family, I adjusted slightly to their lifestyle. My mother-in-law is the life of the party, and I really don’t like partying. 

Jemima: Me, I’m now a mother! I’m constantly thinking about my husband and child. But the most significant change is how I’ve become more active in pursuing my dreams and goals. Izzy always says, “You know you can do this. Go for it. Try it. But just even try first”. Then I come out successful. He’s like, “You see. I told you you can do it”. It’s so encouraging. Sometimes, all we need is a little push. Since we got married, we’ve successfully japa, and I’ve started my Master’s — things I’ve always wanted to do. 

What’s the best thing about being married to each other?

Jemima: The fact that I’m naked. We know everything about each other. I tell him everything. We don’t find it difficult to make decisions because we understand each other so well. Many people tell me, “Wow, you and your husband are so in sync”. Of course, I mean, we don see each other finish. Also, we don’t conform to rules and roles. While I was pregnant, different members of both our families had everything to say about what I should or shouldn’t be doing, and we would stand up for each other. Izzy would tell me, “Don’t just disturb yourself o. Don’t listen to anybody”.

Izzy: Our understanding and sync make it so good. One time, I was at home, and she wasn’t. Her aunt asked her something outside, then got home before her to ask me the same thing. We gave the same answer. We always consult each other before making decisions, and that’s what marriage is about.

How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Jemima: For me, it’s 10/10 because what more can I ask for? He’s a great husband, and we have a wonderful child together. He’s sweet, supports me 100%, good sex. Please, I’m living my best life.

Izzy: You’ve heard it from the horse’s mouth. I dey do my work well. So I’ll rate it 10 too, minus nothing.

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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Let’s start at the beginning. How did you meet?

Enyinna: We met about four years ago, working in the same department of a tech startup in Lagos. It was a challenging environment, to say the least.

Tolani: Absolutely. Working there was tough; the pressure, the long hours and insults from our team lead when we didn’t meet one unrealistic goal or the other. But we somehow found solace in each other in the middle of the chaos. 

We’d have long talking sessions during working hours, where we’d step into the restroom corridor and talk about how depressed we were. We just found it easy to talk to each other more than anyone else in the office. I don’t know why, but it was a relief because all my parents and friends had to say when I complained was different versions of “Be grateful you have such a good job”.

When did you realise there was something more than friendship between you?

Enyinna: It took a while. We were both so engrossed in surviving the corporate chaos.

Tolani: I remember one day in 2019. We were working late on a project, and Eyinna made this terrible joke to lighten the mood. I burst out laughing, and at that moment, I looked at him differently. It was like I saw a side of him that went beyond the workplace stress.

How did the transition from friends to “more than friends” happen?

Enyinna: It was a slow burn, you know? We started spending more time outside of the office — getting drinks after late nights at work, exploring new bars in Lekki. At that time, a new one would always spring up every month.

Tolani: Then COVID happened, and our workplace became even more toxic. There was investors’ wahala, company politics, layoffs and emotional blackmail, but we had each other to lean on.

As your relationship evolved, how did your colleagues react?

Enyinna: It was interesting. Office gossip has a way of spreading like wildfire. Especially when you’re working with so many young people.

Tolani: We tried to keep it low-key at first. But as we transitioned from remote to hybrid work, our colleagues started noticing that we were spending more time together despite the social distancing rule, going to lunch, and all that.

Enyinna: Most of them were supportive. Some even teased us about being the office “power couple”.

Tolani: Of course, there were a few raised eyebrows and hushed conversations, but overall, people were happy for us. We were genuine friends before anything romantic happened, so I think that made a difference.

Given how toxic the job was, did your growing relationship make things worse?

Tolani: Surprisingly, no. Things were still as toxic as ever. But we were both professionals, and we made a conscious effort to keep our personal and professional lives separate.

Enyinna: Our coworkers saw we were still committed to our work, and if anything, our relationship brought positive energy to the tense office. The pressure and constant scrutiny into what value you were bringing the company were the bigger problems. But having Tolani by my side made it bearable. We’d vent to each other, strategise on how to handle certain situations, and sometimes, just escape for a quick breather.

Tolani: We realised we weren’t only surviving but thriving because we had each other’s backs.

But why did you choose to stay at your toxic job rather than seek new opportunities elsewhere?

Enyinna: That’s a valid question. 

The truth is leaving a job, especially in an environment like Lagos, isn’t always a straightforward decision. The job market is highly competitive, and finding a new opportunity that aligns with your skills and career goals takes time. Also, the pay at that place was great; very few companies could match it.

Tolani: A lot of our earlier conversations when we started off as friends was an endless loop of  “I think I’ll turn in my resignation,” “Should I just do it?” “I’m doing it at the end of the month,” “Maybe I should just wait till I get an offer” and more. Despite the toxicity, the devil you know sometimes feels safer than the unknown. 

We were also hopeful that things might change and the workplace culture might improve. The founders and management always promised that.

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How did you cope with the job while remaining committed to each other?

Enyinna: It was a delicate balance. We had to be there for each other emotionally, yet we couldn’t let the stress of work affect our relationship. We found solace in the fact that we were in it together, facing the challenges side by side.

Tolani: It was also about setting boundaries. We made a conscious effort to leave work-related stress at the office door. Weekends became sacred for us — time to rejuvenate and focus on our relationship.

Knowing what you know now, do you think leaving the job earlier would’ve been a better decision?

Tolani: Looking back, yes. Leaving earlier might’ve spared us some pain. But at the same time, enduring those challenges together strengthened our bond and resilience.

Enyinna: Sometimes, the toughest experiences shape us the most. While leaving earlier might have been a practical choice, it wouldn’t have given us the opportunity to grow together in the way we did.

Tolani: But then the toxicity never ended, and we began to question if this was the life we wanted forever.

Enyinna: One day, Tolani asked me, “Let’s do Canada together?” We’d talked about japa on-and-off several times. Which Nigerian hasn’t? I was thinking of going to the UK for my master’s, one of my aunts was also trying to encourage me and my brother to come to the US. But none of those plans seemed realistic.

Tolani: I was considering school in the UK or Europe, but Canada made the most sense because three of my cousins were already Permanent Residents in the country. So when I started truly considering it in 2021, I knew I had to raise it with Enyinna too. We were fully committed at this point; all my family and friends knew him.

Enyinna: It was a crazy idea at first, but the more we talked about it, the more it made sense. We did our research, considering various factors like quality of life, job opportunities and cultural diversity. Canada seemed like the perfect fit for us.

Tolani: Plus, we were drawn to the idea of a fresh start, away from the toxicity that had defined our lives for too long.

How did the relocation process go?

Enyinna: It was filled with expenses, paperwork, uncertainties and countless checklists. But knowing we were doing it together made it easier.

Tolani: We supported each other through the highs and lows of the immigration process that took a whole year, juggling it with our 9-to-5 at that same place. Not only did we pitch our funds together, but both of our families contributed as well. We finally left Nigeria in July 2022.

How do you feel about each other now, being in Canada?

Tolani: We’re in a new country, and we did it together. Canada feels like a fresh chapter. Enyinna is my rock, and I can’t imagine going through it all without him.

Enyinna: It hasn’t all been easy. The initial months were tough. Adapting to a new culture and finding our footing in a different work environment comes with its share of challenges. I mean, it’s cold and lonely, but we can be lonely together and warm each other up, easy. 

The change of scenery has almost sucked out all the depression that made us feel helpless in Nigeria and replaced it with a sense of excitement and opportunity.

Tolani: The weather! We weren’t used to the Canadian winter, but we’ve learnt to embrace it together. Navigating the challenges of immigration made us rely on each other in new ways. It’s helped us learn useful communication lessons. My cousins live in different cities, and Canada is a huge place. When you’re in a new country, away from family and friends, talking to each other becomes even more crucial.

Enyinna: We’ve made new friends now. We had to make an effort to build a social circle. Meeting new people, making friends, it’s all contributed to making Canada feel like home.

Any thoughts on marriage or starting a family?

Tolani: We’re taking it one step at a time. Right now, we’re focused on settling in, building our careers and enjoying the adventure.

Enyinna: Marriage is definitely on the horizon. We’ve discussed it, and it’s part of our plans. As for starting a family, that’s something we’re open to later in the future.

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What’s one unconventional thing about your relationship now that you’ve settled in Canada?

Tolani: Our shared love for exploring thrift stores and flea markets. You’d never catch me doing that in Lagos, but we’ve found some treasures during our weekend trips to these shops here in Calgary.

Enyinna: It’s true. Our closet is like a curated collection of quirky and vintage finds. It actually started by accident. We stumbled upon a small thrift store while exploring the neighbourhood several months after we moved in. Tolani was drawn to a vintage kimono in this open market, and we were shocked at how cheap it was.

Tolani: Now, it’s become a ritual for us to spend at least one Saturday a month exploring thrift stores. One time, we found a very well-preserved Chanel bag. Another time, it was an old Polaroid camera that still worked. We’ve since used it to capture special moments in our new life in Canada.

Enyinna: It’s not about just spending money, but saving on items that would ordinarily be expensive.

We’ve also developed a tradition of cooking meals from different cultures every Sunday. It started as a way to embrace the diversity around us, and now, it’s something we look forward to each week.

Tolani: It’s not as bougie as he makes it sound. 

We pick a country, shop for the ingredients in our local supermarket, and try our hand at cooking their simplest dishes, like ramen or pastrami, stuff like that. Sometimes, it’s based on a place we’ve always wanted to visit. Other times, it’s completely random, or based on what grocery capsules are available at the store. 

Enyinna: Our Indian neighbour, a very nice housewife, inspired us to do this. She offered to make us curry sauce in our first month in the apartment. She came into our kitchen with the ingredients to make it for us in our brand-new pots. The way she made cooking seem like such a therapeutic pastime rubbed off on us. 

It’s also a way for us to learn more about each other’s tastes and preferences. We’ve discovered some cool dishes through this. We both love pepper, thanks to our Lagos upbringing, but now, we’ve gotten to appreciate sweet, sour and savoury.

Can you tell us about your first major fight after moving to Canada?

Enyinna: It’s a funny story now, but it felt like a big deal at the time. Our first major disagreement was about how to set up our new apartment.

Tolani: We had different ideas about furniture placement, decor and all those seemingly little things. It was a clash of our individual styles.

Enyinna: It started innocently enough. We were excited about decorating our new place, but when it came down to making decisions, we realised our tastes were different.

Tolani: I wanted a cosy, eclectic vibe with lots of colours and patterns. Enyinna preferred a more minimalist and modern look. It took some compromise, that’s for sure. We had to find a middle ground that reflected both our styles.

Enyinna: I remember how we spent hours debating the colour, style and size of the sofa. It became a symbol of our differing tastes. In the end, we found one we both liked, and now, we call it our “compromise piece”.

Compromising on the aesthetics of our home was a small price to pay for the happiness of our relationship.

Tolani: We also learnt to appreciate each other’s tastes more. Our home is now this unique blend of cosy and modern elements that represent both of us. It’s chaotic, sha. But it taught us that compromise is an essential part of any relationship. We had to find solutions that made both of us happy.

Enyinna: And it’s okay to have different tastes. Our home reflects our individuality and the beauty of coming together.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Enyinna: I would say a solid 9. Our love life is thriving. We’ve overcome challenges, built a life together in a new country, and our connection continues to deepen.

Tolani: I’m right there with Enyinna with a 9. We’ve created a strong foundation, and there’s so much love, laughter and shared dreams in our relationship. We talk about everything — our goals, fears and even the little things that make us happy. I feel very understood and close to him, and it’s the best feeling.

A perfect 10 is an ongoing journey, and we’re excited to see where it leads.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS: Love Life: Her Boyfriend Punched Me in the Face

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

How did you meet?

Sammie: Through her boyfriend. 

It was at a bar, and he’d just punched me in the face because, apparently, I’d touched her funnily. The only problem was I hadn’t even noticed her there until I found myself with a fist in my nose. I’d never been hit before, and I don’t now know how to fight. 

When I finally saw the reason why I was punched, I recognised her from class. We were in the same department and had a couple of maths classes together. I just said sorry and went home. My nose was bleeding.

Sharon: I didn’t see him clearly that night. But later on in the week, he came to meet me in class, said hi and introduced himself. The funny thing is I didn’t even realise my ex punched him. 

I apologised, and he asked why I was dating that type of person. I didn’t know how to answer. I’d been with my ex for over a year, and he was much older than me — almost ten years older — so I was used to being secretive about him.

Sammie: The guy was all wrong, and he knew it. That’s why he was overtly possessive with her. I didn’t like that. After I spoke with her, I told myself I’d do everything I could to separate her from that mess.

What exactly did you do?

Sammie: I got closer to her and some of her friends too. Then I found out that only one of them knew about the guy. It was this babe who wasn’t in our department. They went to the same secondary school and are family friends. I didn’t get to meet her until weeks after I’d gotten close to Sharon. 

I found it off that her friends didn’t know about her boyfriend, so one day, while we were quietly finishing some work in class, I asked her about it. She smiled and said everybody didn’t have to know her business, but her eyes were shifty. 

Then, she started avoiding me.

Sharon: I wasn’t avoiding you. I just got busy because it was close to exams.

Sammie: It was close to exams, but then, I noticed that the man would come to campus sometimes. He couldn’t enter school buildings, but he’d be on the grounds waiting for her. I think she didn’t want him to see her with any guy.

So I started calling her at night because I was worried. I had a bad feeling about that man, and I became obsessed with finding out how they got together in the first place.

Sharon: Sammie started calling every other night, and till today, we never go to bed without talking. 

Before we got together though, he’d call and ask 1001 questions. He wanted to know how I met my ex, if I really liked him, if he was pressuring me or something. And after every reply, he’d tell me I might be in a toxic relationship. 

After one of his calls, I just started crying.

Sammie: From what she told me, he was a family friend who’d been in her life since she was a child, and I found that sus.

Did you like her, or were you just concerned for her wellbeing?

Sammie: Both. I liked her, but maybe that like came from how deeply I cared about her being all right.

Sharon: I liked him. I’d noticed him in class long before we met at the bar. But at the time, I thought I’d be with my ex forever. I never consciously made that decision; I just accepted it. But when we started talking, and Sammie questioned things I never thought to question, I knew I wanted to be with him and not my ex.

Sammie: So I encouraged her to ghost the guy. She blocked him and all the people who knew about their relationship, then came to me in class one day to tell me she’d done it. I was so happy for her and for us. 

Our only opp was that one friend who knew about her ex and actually supported that mess.

Sharon: We ended up spending the first several weeks of our relationship dodging my ex on and off campus and dodging the girl in school buildings. It felt like I was dealing with stalkers and that affected my mental health to the extent that I started having anxiety attacks. 

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How did you deal with the attacks?

Sharon: It was a huge struggle during exams. I felt like I was running mad with paranoia. Once exams were over, I didn’t go home. I begged my parents to let me go visit my grandparents in another state. That helped me calm down a bit. 

Sammie: Throughout that holiday, we didn’t get to see or speak because she went completely off the radar. But then, I knew she needed the break.

Sharon: Then my parents called about my results. We checked and found out I didn’t do well at all. I had about three Fs. When they asked what happened, I told them I was struggling to cope with the harsh environment at school. They pulled me out of the federal university and put me in a private one. 

I had to start over in a new programme, but that move helped me stay sane. The only other downside was separating from Sammie — which is where the nightly calls came in. He also visits at least once a semester, and we meet up during the holiday.

Sammie: Meanwhile, her ex started harassing me in school, thanks to her fake friend. One time, he sent boys to beat me. Maybe I’d have died if people weren’t there to protect me.

Was it a good idea to get right into a new relationship? 

Sharon: I don’t know. We just did it because we liked each other.

Sammie: I really like and care about her, so I want to be there for her. Also, I don’t think I’ll meet another person who cares so passionately about pure maths.

Sharon: When we first started talking in class, we’d have this back-and-forth about the point of maths. He thought the only useful thing about it was basic arithmetic operations. You know, addition, subtraction, multiplication? So you can deal with making and spending money. I’d try to convince him how myopic he was.

Sammie: She introduced me to something called “mathematical logic”, and since then, I’ve been convinced this babe is a closet genius. I still think it’s made up shit, but the way she talks about how you can use maths to prove things like common sense and legal fact, made me feel like she was about to start controlling my mind.

Sharon: It’s how artificial intelligence will control our minds eventually, TBH. AI was built on algorithms and computation. Mathematical logic was the framework for AI algorithms. Maths is everything. Money-making only scratches the surface of it.

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Okay

Sammie: This is it. This is why I couldn’t have her wasting away with that predator man. This woman is going to change the world. And I’ll be right behind her as her assistant oga.

Sharon: Screaming. I just want to get through today.

Sammie: Anytime she talks like that, at first, I think, “This girl is mad”. Then it’s, “I’m in love with you”. No one’s ever challenged me to be smarter before. 

She’s studying computer science now, instead of industrial maths, so I really believe she’ll develop something mind-blowing soon. You guys should just watch out.

What’s your relationship dynamic like now, given the long distance?

Sammie: Sometimes, I look back, and I can’t believe it’s been two years already.

Sharon: I think we’re going strong. We’re still young and basking in that. 

But I love how seriously we take ourselves. We made a pact that if we don’t end up together like something happens and we drift apart or hate each other and decide we can’t be married, we’d just kill ourselves and die together.

Sammie: We did a whole-ass written document and signed it even. We each have a copy.

Sharon: We absolutely have to end up together. I don’t want to move on from him. We can’t wait to be done with school so we can move in together. No kids for a while, of course, but we definitely want to navigate adulthood together from the get-go.

Does anyone know about this death pact, please?

Sharon: The only people who do are scared to shit. Mostly my friends. They think our relationship is toxic because they haven’t really met and gotten to know him yet. 

They just don’t have a sense of humour. We’re being dramatic obviously. When we said the words, “I love you” to each other for the first time, I asked how can we make this absolutely true? How can we be certain we’re serious? 

It was either this or a blood covenant. 

Sammie: I chose the death pact for obvious reasons. I’m still very much a child of my very religious Igbo mother — who must never hear of the death pact either.

Sharon: Maybe we should call off the death pact? It was too crazy, wasn’t it? I’m sorry.

Sammie: I suggested it, so it’s not like I’m not in on the craze.

What was your first major fight about?

Sammie: Weed. She took an edible for the first time and had a bad high. 

She was angry with me for no identifiable reason. On top of that, we were outside, and she was freaking out that her boyfriend at the time would see us together. The way she was so scared, shaking and sweating, made me know the relationship couldn’t be healthy.

Sharon: I don’t even remember that night.

Sammie: We don’t really fight. There’s no time or space to, between school and the distance.

Does it ever get tiring, having to call every night to keep the relationship alive?

Sharon: No! It’s something I look forward to my whole day. It makes everything I do worth it because I know I’ll get to my room and talk to Sammie about it all. He’s my best friend, and our calls are everything to me.

Sammie: Oh, same. 

No matter how tired I am. No matter how late it gets. I can’t wait to be done with everything so I can hear her voice. When I’m in a bad mood, our calls make me feel better. When I’m in a great mood, I want to share the joy with her. 

It’s like delayed gratification at this point because half the time, I want to call or text her mundane things every second of every day.

Sharon: At first, I was scared we’d run out of things to say. You know how when you stop being in the same space and experiencing the same things as someone, you realise you have nothing else in common? Yeah, that never happened. And I’m so excited because we’re always interested in everything happening in each other’s worlds. And when there’s no gist, we can talk about movies and celebrities.

Sammie: And maths.

Sharon: And maths. Haha.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sammie: 9. Let graduation come first. 

But on the other hand, I’m scared that “real” life will find a way to destroy us.

Sharon: 10. That’s what the death pact is for.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

RECOMMENDED: Love Life: We Don’t Want Marriage or Kids

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What was your first impression of each other?

Dave: I met him at a restaurant in 2017. One of my oldest friends from uni invited me and another school friend to have a meal together and catch up. He brought Kene and another friend too. I also came with a friend. That’s how we all became this large group of friends who are all close till today.

Kene: Not that close, but we hang out once in a while. I wasn’t even that close to the person who invited me at the time. We’d met about a month before that, on a project at work. But I thought he was cool, and I was trying to go out more.

Dave: My first memory of him was me thinking he was so small and yellow. He hardly spoke during the whole get-together. 

But that memory was overshadowed by something else. When it was time to pay, the table agreed we’d split the bill equally. I was broke and had purposely not eaten much, so this was an unwelcome surprise.

Kene: He looked so conflicted. Everyone else was oblivious and just paid up and left. Then it was me, him and the guy who invited us all. I’ll always find it funny that he didn’t just disagree with the splitting idea from the beginning because he couldn’t afford it. That’s how me and the other guy had to cover his bill.

Dave: I wanted to, but I was too ashamed to call attention to myself like that.

How did that lead to a relationship?

Kene: Later that week, our mutual friend called me to apologise about it, but I didn’t think anything of it, so I told him, “It happens”. He said Dave was asking for my number to thank me directly. I told him he could share.

That same night, Dave called and was acting all shy. He asked for my account details so he could reimburse me, but I told him not to bother. When I noticed that this only made him feel worse, I relented and sent him. I got an alert about an hour after our call, and it was a lot more than what I paid for him.  

Dave: I felt bad. He didn’t even know me. I was also touched because I know guys who’d never pay that money for an almost stranger. 

After I sent the money, I thought I’d never hear from him again even though I wanted to get to know him more. So imagine my surprise when he texted me some days after and told me it was nice I sent him more than he paid, but I didn’t have to. My response was to ask him if he‘d like to watch an Arsenal match with me at a viewing centre that evening. 

We met up an hour later and had a couple of beers while watching the game together.

Kene: He was very good company. After the match, we talked for a bit and went our separate ways. 

We did that a few more times. Sometimes, with some of his other friends. Meeting up with him became a part of my life outside of work and occasionally hanging out with my “actual friends”. It became some double life like my alter ego playing at having a social life. 

I looked forward to his texts inviting me to watch one sports game or the other.

Dave: This went on for three years. We didn’t talk about liking each other until 2020.

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Did COVID have anything to do with the eventual reveal?

Dave: Yes and no. 

I knew I liked him a lot from the first day we met to watch that game. But I didn’t want to say anything because you can’t just show yourself like that in this country. I’m always extra careful, and honestly, most of my relationships have been with women.

Kene: I didn’t know he was gay or bi. I was absolutely sure he was straight. So I just suffered in silence, settling for his company, which I enjoyed. Then, he got together with his girlfriend in 2019. I was crushed. But it was all the confirmation I needed that he was straight.

Dave: I noticed him withdraw when I started dating my girlfriend. He was suddenly not always available to hang out and hardly came by my place. I started to miss him, but I let my feelings for my new babe overshadow that. 

By September or October 2019, we weren’t speaking much except for sharing memes on IG or something related to a mutual friend. I wasn’t happy that we were drifting apart.

Kene: I felt like he gave me breakfast even though we weren’t dating. It almost felt like a heartbreak. One night, I even cried myself to sleep. So I couldn’t handle talking with him as a friend anymore.

Dave: The lockdown came, and I was lonely AF — my girlfriend was in another town. I started thinking about him a lot, so I called to check on him. That’s how we started calling each other every day just to gist and keep each other company.

Kene: I wanted to tell him I liked him this time, but the way I was scared, ehn? I didn’t want him to hate me because I was gay. I’d never felt that way before.

Who did the telling in the end?

Dave: Neither of us.

We started getting vulnerable, revealing way too much about our lives to each other. Like how little sex we were getting or how much we needed someone to hold. It started as a joke at first, just us teasing each other, but after a while, we both knew we were being sincere.

Kene: I started it. I got tired of wishing and waiting and just wanted something to give. The first time we met up after the lockdown was lifted, he gave me this big hug and a little peck on the side of my face. My whole heart screamed.

Then we went back to watching football matches and drinking beer together. My heart sank a little. One night at our regular lounge, I took the leap and invited him over to my place. I can’t even remember what I told him we’d do there, but he agreed to come with me.

Dave: That was the first night we spent together, and it was great.

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Did you start dating officially after?

Dave: Yes. We had a long talk the next day and decided to commit.

Kene: But not exclusively. He still had his girlfriend.

Dave: We agreed to not go public, so I asked him if I had to break up with her, and he said no.

Kene: She really likes this guy, and I didn’t want to be the reason why he broke her heart. Three years later, I’ve learnt to live with it. Since we can’t be together as fully as we want, I don’t want to deprive him of a full relationship just because.

But don’t you feel deprived?

Kene: That’s the life. Not all of us can have the luck of a bisexual in Nigeria.

Dave: We’ll come for you o.

Kene: Sometimes, the secrecy adds to the spice of our sex life. The fact that no one in our circle knows about us makes me feel a little bold and reckless. It’s our special secret. However, I sometimes feel cheated when I see him and her together.

Does she, at least, know you guys are together?

*Silence*

Kene: I suspect she knows. But we’re also pretty discreet. We haven’t told any of our mutual friends, and it’s not like we steal kisses in the kitchen when she’s in the living room or anything like that.

Dave: We’ve talked about it. I know there’s no way to tell her now without breaking her heart and letting her down. But at the same time, I’m being the best possible boyfriend to her in every other way I can think of. That must count for something.

I’ve always been open to her about being bisexual, and she knows how close I am to him.

Kene: That’s why I think she already knows but doesn’t want to address it.

Aren’t you guys scared this might blow up in your faces?

Dave: A little.

Kene: Not really.

What do you fight about?

Kene: Being his side chick even though I came first.

Dave: We’ve never fought about that.

Kene: But we should.

Dave: Our first fight was over him scratching my car after I told him not to drive it out because he was a little tipsy. This was in 2019 or so. I’m just glad nothing happened to him.

Kene: He doesn’t like it when I’m on the phone for a long time. We fight about that a lot. But my work can be very demanding.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Kene: Hmm. 8? 9? Something high. I only feel down when I find it hard to imagine our future together.

Dave: I’d say 8 or 7. I know I’m not being true to you or my girlfriend or even myself. I know I need to make a decision very soon as we’re not getting any younger.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED: Love Life: A Tragic Lagos Games Night Forced Us to Commit

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

How did you two meet?

Temi: We met at a gym. 

I joined early in 2021 because I wanted to shed pandemic weight, and my mum recommended I start working out as a form of therapy. I was a victim of layoffs during the start of the pandemic, and so, I was broke and directionless. She paid for my gym membership for three months and for a personal trainer. Each trainer had five to ten trainees depending on how popular they were. 

Michael was in my group. I noticed him right away because he was always quiet and focused on what he had to do. He’d come exactly when the session started and leave immediately after. Most people liked to talk, linger and slack off. I immediately wanted to be just as focused as him, and then, I wanted to know what was going on in his head; it had to be more than the reps.

Michael: I was focusing on the reps to get my mind off being a jobless man who was digging deep into his savings for a gym subscription. Working out was my way of maintaining discipline. It also helped with my self-confidence when I was outside.  At least, I was in shape. 

I noticed Temi because she was a fine girl, and I remember thinking once that I didn’t even understand why she was working out. A part of me felt girls only gym when they’re overweight. But I didn’t think too much into it because I knew that was lowkey shallow.

Temi: After weeks of hoping he’d approach me, I realised that would never happen because he never stuck around. I walked up to him while he was resting between reps, said hi and told him I’d like to talk to him after. I don’t know why I sounded so serious like I wanted to sell him something.

Michael: I was just shocked she spoke to me, so I nodded and continued my workout.

What happened after the session?

Michael: She came to me right after. I was shy because I was sweaty and insecure about possibly being smelly. So it was a bit awkward.

Temi: I didn’t sense any awkwardness. In fact, I mistook his shyness for slight arrogance, but not the off-putting kind. I sha thought he was cool and loved that he was tall but not too tall. 

When I asked what he did, he spoke about his work as a project manager at an investment bank and how he was laid off. I loved how smart he sounded, how he never tried to drag the conversation into something unserious. 

I knew I wanted to be friends with him.

Michael: I thought once she heard I’d been out of a job for months, her face would change. It didn’t. Then she told me she hadn’t had a job for up to a year, and I was shocked.

Temi: We ended up walking out of the gym together and hopping into the same keke because we both lived in the same area.

How did you stay in touch?

Temi: We checked out each other’s IGs in the keke. But we mostly met up at the gym at least twice a week, sometimes, four times. We became each other’s accountability partners, and he helped me stay focused on completing my reps or getting in good form when the trainer didn’t have my time. 

He made me look forward to my day at the gym, to be honest.

Michael: Me too.

Temi: But we didn’t communicate outside the gym much during that period. I’d go home and doom-scroll on TikTok between tweaking and submitting my CV and cover letter 100 times a day, help my parents with errands and chores, babysit for my elder siblings. Rinse and repeat. 

When the three-month membership elapsed, nobody wanted to pay for my renewal, and I wasn’t in the mood to beg anyone.

Michael: I’m not sure if it’s because she stopped coming, but I stopped going to the gym shortly after. I even wasted about a week of my subscription. It suddenly felt like there was no point. Maybe that’s when I knew I liked her. 

I still didn’t have her number, so I DMed her. She didn’t respond until weeks later.

Temi: I was lowkey more active on Snapchat and TikTok. And I had most of my notifications off because they gave me anxiety to see them pop up randomly.

When you finally saw his DM?

Temi: I was so excited. I remember screaming in my room when I opened IG and saw his username in my DMs with unread messages. 

I pretty much liked him liked him at that point, but it was more like infatuation because we didn’t know much about each other. His DM was something simple like “Where did you disappear to? We’ve missed you at the gym.” My trainer messaged me something similar, but my reaction to his was obviously different.

Michael: She responded, and we DMed almost non-stop for days. It wasn’t like we had anything better to do. We talked about ourselves, things we found on our timeline and people around us.

Temi: There was something therapeutic about suddenly finding purpose in this light-hearted banter with someone whose head was correct. 

Obviously, at some point, we talked about our careers and what we’d do to get back on track. We decided we had to go back to school or get some form of certification. I was already on track to take my second CIPM membership exam as an HR professional. 

He was considering getting his master’s at Lagos Business School or japa. I lowkey discouraged him from the second option because I didn’t have any such plans and didn’t want to just hear one day that he was leaving me in this country.

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Did you guys talk about liking each other at this point?

Temi: No. This was like August 2021, and we were still very much platonic. But I knew I wanted more; I just didn’t know how to nudge him without telling him outright.

Michael: I’m not sure I would’ve done anything about it until I had a job and felt secure enough. Thankfully, we got jobs soon after. 

A friend of mine hooked me up with a virtual coding and software development program that claimed to fix you up with a job or internship once you complete and pass. It was a three-month beginner crash course, and it was cheap. I thought it was too good to be true but had nothing to lose.

About a week before it was supposed to start, I shared the link with her on a whim. We’d never talked about tech, but I figured since we were both always discussing personal development, she’d appreciate the plug.

Temi: Tech was in vogue and everyone was hiring developers, so why not? When I showed my mum, she didn’t mind paying. I also lowkey saw it as an opportunity to get closer to him. 

Don’t judge me, please.

How did the programme go?

Michael: Well. We bonded really well. 

I was surprised she keyed into it quickly. She even paid before I did, and I admired her drive for something productive. During the programme, she was so determined to pass. After the classes, she’d call. Sometimes, we’d do video calls to go over things she didn’t understand. 

She’d get me to get my coder friends on calls to show us what to do on assignments. That’s how we started meeting up.

Temi: At first, we met up outside. You’d see us at these lounges in the afternoon with our laptops, mouses and head phones. Thank God, no one tried to arrest us for doing yahoo sha.

Michael: Please, don’t joke like that.

What happened after this period?

Temi: During. We had our first kiss during this period. 

After meeting up outside to work together a couple of times, we started seeing each other at his place. It got so comfortable with us meeting and working together in his room, but remember that I already liked him a lot at this point, and I knew he liked me back. We just needed to get into a comfort zone.

Michael: I don’t know how it happened but we kissed. And that “first kiss” ended up being a long make-out session that only ended because we had a deadline that night. After we submitted our assignment though, it was pretty clear we were no longer “just friends”. 

We just walked with it without giving it a name for a while.

Temi: And now, I’m basically in love with him. Falling in love has been the most satisfying experience ever. I can’t even explain it.

We’ll explain it in a bit. But first, y’all completed the programme and got jobs?

Michael: Yeah. She got a job in December 2021. I got an internship right after the programme ended in November that didn’t pay too badly.

Temi: I’ve left the job now, but it was honestly a life-changer for me. Now, I can confidently say I can never struggle to get a job again. I have Michael to thank for that too.

Michael: I stayed loyal. I’m still at the job, almost management level now. It can be toxic sometimes, in terms of the targets and pressure, but it’s all worthwhile when I see my paycheck. Well, not so much now with the Nigerian economy, but I’m grateful. 

I’m grateful that I somehow got a great new career and great new girlfriend in the same vein.

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God, when? But also, when did you finally put a name to the relationship?

Michael: Sometime during the 2021 Christmas season. I told her we should take our relationship seriously and start making plans together.

Temi: He had this serious face when he said it, as usual. I just laughed and said something like, “So you didn’t think we were serious all this while?”

Michael: You said, “So you haven’t been telling people I’m your girlfriend all this time? Wow.” We did everything people in relationships do, but that was 2021, and situationships and entanglements had just become a thing. I wasn’t trying to play games with my heart.

Temi: It was actually after we attended one ill-fated games night that made us swear off Lagos games night.

Michael: God, no.

Tell me

Temi: At this afternoon games party that turned into a midnight affair, they started telling us to remove cloth and kiss our neighbours. It wasn’t even truth or dare. I sha know that before we knew it, everyone was half-naked and kissing themselves. It was very much giving orgy, and I had to question the company Michael keeps.

Michael: My office co-workers invited me, and I was trying to build good working relationships.

How did you guys escape that situation?

Temi: The party was in this sprawling shortlet apartment complex, so we had to quickly book another apartment to ourselves.

Michael: We didn’t want to head back to the mainland that late at night. We’d had quite a bit to drink and were tired too. 

Temi: That night, we had a long talk about what we wanted to be to each other, and the kind of relationship we wanted. It wasn’t diamonds, chocolate and flowers, but it was the most romantic experience ever. 

One of my favourite things about him is how kind and respectful he is. He doesn’t even try to form hard guy.

Michael: Thank you. I guess.

Do you guys even fight?

Michael: We fight over food a lot. She’s never hungry but always eats my food. And she runs through our cereal boxes too quickly. She also is allergic to water or something. The amount of liquid sugar she takes is so upsetting.

Temi: Wow. That was a lot. I didn’t know you were holding all of that in.

I don’t think we fight like that. Sometimes, I think he has subtle OCD sha. Everything has to be perfectly organised or he’d fight. I don’t like that he gets so nit-picky with me, and that gets us clashing sometimes. 

But we know how to de-escalate as well.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Temi: Easily 10. It’s smooth sailing for now. Sometimes, I get paranoid that something will happen suddenly to shake us up a bit.

Michael: Like what? It can’t be that serious. 

It’s a 10 for me too.

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READ THIS TOO: Love Life: I Haven’t Opened His First Gift to Me From 22 Years Ago

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

How did you meet?

Effiong: In university. 

We didn’t attend the same school, but she was my immediate older sister’s roommate from ‘97 to ‘98, so we crossed paths a lot when I came to visit. Sometimes, I’d call my sister, and Maryam would pick up. I thought she was the prettiest person in the world.

Maryam: For the most part, our meetings were fleeting. 

Sometimes, I’d go home with his sister, Ini, for a holiday, and he’d be there. We’d all chat for a while. He and his friends got along with our friends. It was all lighthearted university energy.

He had a girlfriend the first year we knew each other, but I never dated throughout university.

Effiong: Because there were so many people chasing you, and you couldn’t choose. 

Maryam: Convocation day came for me and Ini, and he was there with his family. They got to meet my family, and everybody just bonded happily. 

I look at the photos today with such nostalgia. It was a happier, simpler time.

Did you like each other at this point?

Effiong: I liked her a lot, but I don’t think I was aware at that time. 

Once their convocation came and went, I regretted that I hadn’t initiated a personal relationship with her. She and my sister went off for NYSC in completely different states, so I couldn’t reach her through my sister anymore. Of course, there were no mobile phones then. I missed her, ehn? That’s when it became obvious that I liked her. 

But for that one year, I just gave up and worked towards graduating too.

Maryam: Honestly, I don’t think I liked him like that because I never even thought about it. I was blissfully unaware of his own feelings. And I didn’t really get into any relationships during NYSC because I felt boys weren’t looking for long-term. 

I spoke with his sister a couple of times, but we were mostly disconnected until after we passed out and returned to our home cities. My family lived in Kano, while they lived in Kaduna. 

Some months after NYSC, Ini and I later moved to Abuja for work in 2001. And thanks to my relationship with Effiong, we’ve been together since.

Effiong: I’d go back and forth between Abuja and Ebonyi, where I served, just to see her. They stayed in this nice mini-flat, and I’d squat in a friend’s place for a few days on each visit. But it still took me about a year to tell her how I felt.

What did you do in the meantime?

Effiong: She probably thought I loved my sister too much; I’d come under the guise of visiting her, but Ini knew the truth. She’d often tease me about it when Maryam was away.

Maryam: But she never told me anything. She’d just make offhand remarks like, “It’s not me he’s really here for,” that didn’t make sense until much later.

Effiong: I tried to get closer to her. We’d talk. I got to know everything about her, and I’d take mental notes. When I got back to my service state, I’d think about her. 

I visited them about four times. Then they surprised me by coming for my POP. That’s when I gathered the nerve to tell her how much I liked her and would want to marry her.

You went straight to marriage? What happened to dating?

Effiong: Of course, we’d start with that. But I wanted her to know my end game at once. 

When they returned to Abuja, and I went to Kaduna, I gathered all the money I could, from my savings to handouts from my parents, and bought her a special gift based on something she’d told me she’d always wanted. I went to Abuja to present it to her and ask her to be my girlfriend. 

She said she was still thinking about it.

Maryam: I still saw him as a brother. I was also concerned about our different tribes and religions. But I didn’t tell him this because I was touched by his gesture of buying me a gift to ask me out. 

I didn’t think I’d date him, so I didn’t open the gift. I never opened it. It’s still wrapped somewhere in our house just as he gave it to me.

Effiong: At first, I was hurt that she didn’t open it when I found out many years later, but now, it’s one of those things we can laugh about as a couple. I’ve still not told her what’s in it. 

When we got married in 2003, we decided to wait till our 30th anniversary to open it together.

Maryam: I’m surprised he’s never been tempted to just tell me what it is.

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I’m more surprised you haven’t just opened it out of sheer curiosity. Also, why 30th?

Maryam: The number just rolled off the tongue. 30th.

Effiong: We could’ve just said 20th, and we’d know by now.

Maryam: I’m enjoying the wait. Once we open it, the journey is ruined. 

I can’t even guess what it is because it’s in a box or carton inside the wrapping paper. 

Effiong: The only thing I’ve told her is she won’t be disappointed whenever she opens it. It’s something she’ll appreciate no matter what. 

I’m happy we’ve come this far to have something so special to look forward to even though it’s a small thing. I wasn’t always confident we’d get here. 

Why?

Effiong: She never verbally consented to a relationship, but I kept showing up and being an absolute nuisance in her life. 

I moved to Abuja, got a good enough job and sent her food or airtime anytime I could, even though a part of me thought I was wasting my time and money. I got used to doing things for her, so I just kept doing it.

Maryam: I always say I found myself in a relationship because I don’t even know how it happened. We got used to each other. 

We didn’t even start going out together until mid-2002, but by then, it already felt like we’d been together forever. He made me very happy just by being there.

When he met my parents again, during one of our family gatherings, they accepted him fully, and that made me happiest.

Effiong: Her parents are so warm. I don’t know what she was worried about. They don’t like me so much now for converting their daughter, but even at that, they’re civil and easygoing.

Converting her?

Effiong: In 2002, she also started attending church my family’s Catholic Church in Kaduna with me. We went to Kaduna for about three weeks when we were both in between jobs. 

I never set out to convert her, and I don’t think she attended because she was looking to convert either.

Maryam: I stayed at my uncle’s place. But I was in Kaduna to be closer to Effiong. He invited me there. 

One Sunday, I wanted to see him, and he said he was in church. So I asked to come meet him there. The next Sunday, I followed him to morning mass. At the end of the year, when he asked me to marry him, we’d started attending a Pentecostal church in Abuja every other Sunday, and it was a comfortable routine for us.

Effiong: But neither of us was particularly religious or even spiritual.

Maryam: We did a court wedding in March 2003, and a mixed traditional wedding in May. My parents waited for a nikkah for a long time, but we just never did it. I didn’t feel Muslim any longer.

What’s life as a Christian married couple like?

Effiong: I’m not sure we can call ourselves that. For a long time, we were just casual Christians, attending church only on Sundays and pretty much minding our business. 

We weren’t even loyal to a church: we’d switch anytime we moved. When we moved to Lagos, our pastor in Abuja expected us to move to the Lagos branch of his church. He was so offended when we didn’t that we had to block him. 

We’ve mostly been focused on our family, career and getting our money up. I also think our introverted personalities stop us from truly getting into the spirit of religion.

Maryam: We’re non-religious now.

Effiong: We’re not atheists o. We’re just not affiliated with any religion. 

Maryam: If not for COVID, we’d probably still be attending Sunday service. But since we stopped because of the lockdown, Effiong and I realised it really didn’t feel like we were missing much. 

It’s much more important for us to be humanists, to be good and kind people, than to mindlessly perform rituals, and that’s what we teach our children.

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You don’t feel paranoid that you may be “leading your children astray”?

Maryam: Leading them astray by not compelling them to follow a religion because I say so? I think they should have the freedom to choose. They should have an open mind and be tolerant of people despite their beliefs or opinions. I teach them basic human morals.

Effiong: No one knows whether any of these religions is the true way to relate with God. We just go by faith. I don’t feel led to do that. 

I do worry about our kids. Not because we’re not raising them under a religion but because the world is cruel — both the religious and the non-religious. 

Maryam: Religion isn’t something that keeps us up at night as much as the crumbling economy, the terrible quality of life and standard of living in Nigeria today.

I worry about the quality of education our children are getting, the quality of food they eat. 

Effiong: When I was their age, I used to have lots of friends over or go visit, have birthday parties, attend Christmas or summer holiday parties, go to a neighborhood swimming pool, to Bar Beach when we visited Lagos. My children don’t get much of that, and it’s not that we don’t earn well. 

Maryam: Even the quality of basic biscuits have dropped terribly. 

I hear you. What was your first major fight about?

Maryam: The most memorable for me happened two days before our traditional wedding in 2003. We’d agreed to do it in Gwarinpa, Abuja. The idea for a traditional ceremony came last minute, and we only had two weeks to plan. Then on a Wednesday evening, he started saying we should consider going to his hometown in Calabar instead. It was crazy. I was already stressed, so I didn’t take it well, whether he was joking or not.

Effiong: My kinsmen were calling to drop out saying they couldn’t make the trip all the way to Abuja. So my oldest uncle insisted that since it was supposed to be a customary Efik wedding, it shouldn’t be done in the North. 

When I came to her, it was just to express my frustration. I hadn’t even discussed it with my parents yet. But she thought I was putting my foot down and asking us to go.

Maryam: He just said, “My uncle said we should move this thing to Calabar o.” I already started thinking of how we’d have to move the date, travel with all the things we’d already bought, lose money on the rentals, etc. I reacted badly, and he reacted badly to my reaction too. We almost called the whole thing off, but we were already married by law, so…

Effiong: Then my mum told me it was unheard of for the traditional wedding to be in the groom’s hometown at all. We should even be looking for her village in Kano. 

I just calmed down, went to apologise, the ceremony came and went, and we could breathe again.

And what’s the best thing about being married for 20 years now?

Effiong: Twenty years just came and went like that. It’s been a journey. All the stories we’ve just told about our origin, courtship and getting married feels like they happened a lifetime ago. 

Maryam: In a way, it’s saddening to think how time flies.

Effiong: We’ve grown together, had many ups and downs, seen each other in several different lights, and by some miracle, loved all the versions. That’s such a blessing. 

It’s been great working as a team and generally having the same outlook on life and where we want to go. Growing up, I didn’t get to see that a lot with my parents. They were always at loggerheads. 

Maryam: It’s been particularly great raising our four children together. Where I stop, he continues and vice versa. 

And we’re partners in crime. We do both good and bad together. I never get to be ashamed with him. That’s all I’ll say. He knows what I mean.

Effiong: I honestly can’t believe it’s been 20 years.

Maryam: Our china anniversary. 

Doing this, telling the world our love story is such a special way to celebrate it. I’m glad we did this. 

Effiong: Yes.

Here’s to 30 years and to finally unwrapping our “day one” gift!

Promise to come back and tell us what it is?

Maryam: I will.

Effiong: Don’t promise until you know, Ma.

Ah.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Effiong: 10

Maryam: 10

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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

How did you two meet?

Paul: We met through a girl I was trying to get with in 2018. I met her at a friend’s party. I actually met two of them together, but I noticed her friend first. I still don’t know why.

Funmi: I don’t remember meeting him on that day to be fair. I just know that my friend told me she was seriously talking to someone she met at one party we went to together. I got to know him when they started hanging out. They were in the talking stage for forever, but it eventually didn’t work out.

Paul: We drifted apart, and she started dating someone else. By then, I was on talking terms with Funmi. I’m not sure how one thing led to another, but it did.

When did you realise you liked each other?

Funmi: When I started smiling stupidly anytime he called and while we spoke. We would have these hours-long calls at night, and I gladly gave up my sleep for them, which was unprecedented.

Paul: I can’t pinpoint exactly when. 

I just knew I wanted to spend more and more time with her, and I always wanted to hear her voice. We bonded over work wahala and the pressures of being first-borns. I also admired the work she was doing at her company, so we’d talk about ways I could be involved in some of their projects and how the company I worked for could partner. 

We also exchanged ideas for our personal projects and advised each other on them. She was a great support system. I think we were trying to be friends when we realised there was more to our relationship.

Funmi: He asked me out about a month later, and I immediately said yes because I didn’t think anything was wrong there.

Paul: I still don’t think we did anything wrong, but you know how as humans we like to complicate things.

What happened exactly?

Funmi: The friend he originally wanted to date started making trouble the moment she found out we were together. According to her, they were exes and I was being a bad friend. I was shocked by her behaviour because they never even dated. 

Paul: She led me on, friend-zoned me, then turned around to be angry I moved on because it was with someone she knew.

Funmi: We thought it was a small thing until she started badmouthing us to everyone, even my siblings. Her story became that I stole her boyfriend. I actually lost some friends because of this drama. When the embarrassment became too much to bear, we decided to separate. 

My mum called me aside to advise me that love wasn’t worth my good name. So I told him I really liked him, but maybe we should give it a break and then try again when things cleared up a bit. This was in February 2019, shortly after Valentine’s Day.

Paul: I didn’t think we needed to break up. As far as I was concerned, we just needed to avoid the girl. But according to her, they were childhood friends and there were many people involved, including her family. So I respected her wishes and moved on. 

I dated someone else for a while too.

Funmi: I was heartbroken for like a year and eventually fought with the girl for good. We still don’t speak today.

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How did you find your way back together?

Paul: As of March 2019, for some reason, we stopped talking completely. I think she even blocked me on WhatsApp and IG because I stopped seeing her stories and statuses. I started planning to japa in September 2019, but talk of COVID crept in from December and by March, we all know what happened. 

We chatted a little during the lockdown in April, but in two months, that had fizzled out again.

Funmi: The pandemic had me feeling lonely and depressed, coupled with the anxiety of job insecurity, and I just isolated myself at home. I didn’t really talk to anyone besides my parents who I still lived with at the time. I don’t know how I survived that period.

Paul: Fast forward to January 2021, and I finally got out of Nigeria to Northampton for school.

Funmi: I moved to Milton Keyes on a family member visa in March. 

My parents aren’t married, and my mum has lived there for almost 20 years. As far back as 2012/13, I reached out and begged her to let me join her. It didn’t work out until 2021. 

Then I got admission to the University of Northampton completely by coincidence. I ended up meeting Paul at a training centre for finance jobs somewhere in town. It was the craziest thing.

Did you immediately pick up the relationship from where it left off?

Paul: I wouldn’t say “immediately”. It was gradual. 

But I think from the moment we saw each other in the same town in the UK for the same reason, a part of us knew we were going to continue from where we stopped. I remember seeing her and just smiling after the initial shock. I thought she stalked me all the way there.

Funmi: See your head as if I hadn’t moved on until God decided to shove you into my life once again.

Paul: It definitely felt good to see her again in a space where we felt free to do as we liked within the constraints of British bills. It felt like a slap on the face of the devil who tried to keep us apart. We started seeing each other every day at the training centre, then once in a blue moon, we’d run into each other on campus. 

She was studying full-time, but I was part-time, so I had more allowance to take on jobs. I could afford the occasional dates and gifts, and she appreciated it all the more because she didn’t have as much liquid cash. 

Funmi: In other words, I was a broke bitch who was easy to impress. 

Paul: During the first holiday, we got jobs as carers in the same hospital and did our bus runs together. It felt so much like we were these boring married middle-aged couple, but for some reason, it was exciting.

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What have the last two years been like together?

Funmi: I graduated first and got a semi-good job shortly after, so the tables turned. I was the one taking us out throughout last year.

Paul: Thank God I sowed the seed the year before. 

Now, we’ve both graduated, and the hustle for good white-collar jobs is on. In the meantime, we have a couple of shifts between us and don’t have as much time to think about romance. 

One thing is for sure though, we’re seriously discussing the future, and marriage is something we’ve spent the last several months planning towards.

Funmi: We’d like to move in together to save on rent, but that’s not something I’m ready to do before taking our commitment to the next level, especially in a place like England where people move in together all the time. I don’t want us to do it and get used to it and then never get married. In Nigeria, people will keep reminding us say we never marry o. 

Right now, we do our best to support each other, especially through career-related decisions. 

We also try to make each other’s birthdays memorable.

Paul: We either have a small get-together with our friends and co-workers in my apartment — it’s bigger — or an intimate dinner date at the nicest restaurant we find during the year — that we can afford. One of these two is a must.

Funmi: We’ve also been planning to move to London. We’re saving towards that, and it will tie into our marriage plans.

Was there an actual marriage proposal?

Paul: Honestly, it was more like a leading conversation that happened over time. I always imagined I would be romantic about asking my future wife to marry me, but the way it happened for us was special and heartwarming in its own way.

Funmi: It was romantic too. Romance doesn’t have to be performative or over the top. Ours was real and sincere and intimate, and I loved every second of us talking about how much we want to spend the rest of our lives together. 

I only wish I could’ve recorded the sound bites or kept a hidden camera or something.

Paul: But who knows, maybe I’ll still orchestrate a grand proposal just for posterity’s sake — the British tax system be merciful.

Funmi: What then do we call this stage we’re in? We’re not married, not engaged, but we know we’ll marry soon, so are we still boyfriend and girlfriend?

I believe it’s called “partners”. 

Have you had a major fight yet?

Funmi: Many.

Paul: What do you mean? When did we fight?

Funmi: We’ve fought sha. But I don’t even remember why.

Paul: We have arguments and differences. I’d never call them “fights” because we’re never really angry or violent. 

Funmi: It’s just times when we want different things, and we’re not immediately ready to compromise, at least, not until after we’ve aired our point or justifications. We never leave these fights thinking differently about each other. 

Most times, I can’t wait to just forgive him so I can cuddle after a long shift.

Paul: Maybe when we actually start living together, the story will be different. But I hope not.

Do you ever think about the girl who separated you the first time, and how different things could’ve been?

Paul: She comes up once in a while, and we just laugh.

Funmi: There’s no point rehashing the past or thinking about what could’ve been. But that episode has made for a good anecdote at social gatherings. Always breaks the ice when we’re out together.

Paul: I keep thinking we’ll run into her on social media one day, but she seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth.

Funmi: She’ll be fine, dear.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Paul: 8. But only because I wish we had more time to spend together.

Funmi: Oh wow. Same. Work dey choke.

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