Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Sola: We met in a small supermarket on my street. I passed him on the aisle to the counter, and he noticed one of my tattoos. He told me it was nice. I actually thought he was talking about my jewellery and tried to explain that my grandma gave them to me when I was a child. 

When I realised he was talking about the tattoo, I just smiled and faced my front.

Charles: I wasn’t used to seeing girls with tattoos in my neighbourhood, so I found her intriguing. I asked her for her number, but she said she didn’t know it off-head and also didn’t bring her phone with her. I assumed she didn’t want to give me, but then she scrambled through her wallet for paper and asked the cashier for a pen.

Sola: I took down his number and, later that night, dutifully texted him on WhatsApp so he could have my number. Only for him to say he couldn’t remember who I was.

Charles?

Charles: So the thing is, I was high when we met at the supermarket.

Hm. Sola, how did you take that?

Sola: I had to send him a video I’d taken earlier, in the same outfit, to jug his memory. I was irritated, so I figured I wouldn’t speak to him again. And true true, he didn’t text me for a while. It was also December, and he was giving IJGB vibes with a slight accent and all.

Charles: I hadn’t just got back. I got back a long time ago.

When did you realise you liked each other?

Sola: Later that month was events and concert season in Lagos. 

I was on my way to my office end-of-year party when he messaged me for the first time since the day we met. He was attending a show in our area and was wondering if I wanted to come. I told him I was on my way somewhere else, so he switched to video to see how I looked. He hailed me and made me feel so cute.

Charles: She looked good, and I couldn’t hide it.

Sola: He told me to have a good time and not be a stranger. I smiled and felt good about myself just hearing him say that. I don’t even know why. He just looked and sounded like a sweet guy. 

I was talking to this other guy at the time, and even though I liked him, I always felt like he was giving me this subtle attitude. But Charles already made me feel fully appreciated.

Charles: For me, it was when we finally met up at a festival on Boxing Day. Neither of us came with friends, so we got to bond and get to know each other, surrounded by music and strangers having fun.

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What happened after?

Charles: We chatted until mid-January, when we met again for her birthday. That’s when I saw another side of her — the party girl side. 

Sola: My friends organised a little dinner for me and then a club thing after.

Charles: She and her friends are crazy. I couldn’t keep up at all. I had to leave early.

Sola: The next day, I called to thank him for the gift he gave me at the dinner, and he started asking how I got home and if I was safe the whole time. I was a little irritated. I’m 30+, please. 

We texted for weeks after, but I made sure I was cold in my responses. Until one day, he told me he really liked me but he felt I didn’t like him back. My heart melted, and I told him I liked him.

Charles: That’s how we got together officially.

No wasting time?

Charles: I was done waiting. I just wanted to know if we’d work out in a proper relationship once and for all.

Sola: So you weren’t even sure at that point?

Charles: Is it possible to be sure until you try it out?

And how has it been so far?

Sola: There’s been ups and downs. We’ve taken a few breaks because we keep having the same issues around our very different social lives.

Charles: I never considered myself religious until we started dating. But I never miss a service. I know you’ll ask how come I was high the first time we met. I guess I’m religious now because I was born religious. My mother really drummed church culture into our heads, and now, it’s just ingrained.

Sola is more casual about it, and she’s a popular jingo. Meaning that she has over 50 close friends and attends at least two big parties a month. I’m talking proper club or house parties. I wasn’t prepared for how bothered by that I would be.

Sola: I also never thought it would be an issue, at least, until I started having kids.

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Sounds like a dealbreaker?

Sola: I wish it were that simple. The thing is, everything else works between us. 

I love how he makes me feel, his character and his financial trajectory. But I don’t think I can or should have to change for him. I also don’t think he needs to be more social for him; we don’t have to have all the same interests.

Charles: I agree. We’ve been able to establish a middle ground over time, but it still causes friction sometimes. We don’t really connect with each other’s friends because hers are Lagos cool kids, and my friends are more workaholic and church-obsessed. I feel like she’s too cool for me sometimes.

Sola: Cool as how? We’re just used to a lifestyle that’s different from what you’re used to. 

We’ve talked about the future a number of times. We’re both ready to settle down, so in November 2023, we made the huge decision to move in together. And the first two months really tested our love and bond. I could tell he tried to be understanding but clearly didn’t like me coming home late on some nights. It made me feel guilty and uncomfortable.

Doesn’t cohabiting clash with Charles’ Christian values, though?

Sola: As you must’ve guessed, he’s half and half about it. That’s probably why we can still have a conversation and make compromises. A true Christian boy would’ve chased my clubbing ass out a long time ago. I wouldn’t even let it get to that. 

But yeah, cohabiting has always been a must for me before marriage. I gotta know firsthand what I’m getting into.

Charles:  I agree. There’s a place for faith and a place for using your sense.

Sola: We’ve grown to manage our differences better. 

He comes out with me to the club on some nights. On others, I cancel on my friends, and we hang out together instead. I no longer feel I need to accept every invitation. That’s a compromise I’m willing to make for the future of our relationship.

Charles: I also don’t feel I have to attend every church service. I’ve limited those to Sundays, and we’ve started going together every week. It’s been cool mixing both worlds at our own pace.

You mentioned being ready to settle down?

Charles: Yeah, that will happen any moment now. I don’t want to spoil anything.

Sola: Ahhh. Don’t let Zikoko be the first to know of your plans. Is it soon? Should I go and fix acrylics? I’ll kill you if you’ve spoilt the surprise, I swear.

Charles: We still have a few things to discuss, but despite our imperfections, we’re right for each other because of how open we are to making things work instead of just walking away for good.

Do your religious parents know about the clubbing and cohabiting?

Charles: Haba. Do they care? My mum isn’t excited about our cohabiting, but she’s not really vocal about it. And they’ve never had to know that we or she clubs.

Sola: Oh, his parents love me. I’m absolutely lovable!

Between us, though, we’ve had major disagreements in the past about my late nights and his prioritising mid-week services over our bonding time. We’d take a break for a week or two, and before you know it, we’re back because we love spending time together.

I don’t think our social lives should be enough to keep us apart. I mean, at this age, we should know.

Right. How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sola: 8. We’re a work in progress, but sometimes the journey matters just as much as the destination. Or whatever these motivational speakers say.

Charles: LOL. Same.

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Read this next: Love Life: My Friends Think I’m A Fool For Dating an Upcoming Musician

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Daniel: No particular memory sticks to mind. 

We attended the same family church for as long as I can remember. Both our parents were workers. When my family first joined the church, I remember thinking she was such a proper Christian kid.

Sam: I must’ve been about eight years old when he started attending our church. He was the rebellious type. My first memory of him was when he failed to memorise some Bible passages and couldn’t recite them when our Sunday school teacher asked him to. He wasn’t even sorry. 

I’m not sure how we became friends, but we eventually did by the time I was 15. I think it was natural because we were around the same age and saw each other at least three days a week. 

Daniel: Most of us in the same age group just became close.

When did you realise you liked each other?

Daniel: It was years after that, in 2014. We were both in uni and had stopped attending that church as regularly. We kept in contact mostly through Facebook and BBM. During one of the holidays, we decided to meet up with two of our other church friends at a mall.

Sam: I remember seeing him for the first time in about three years and thinking he’d aged well. He was so much more mature-looking.

Daniel: We took each other a lot more seriously after that. 

We checked up on each other more, and I noticed our tone was much more earnest. Before then, we’d joke around and sometimes send silly jokes insulting each other. But after that first meeting, we were talking about school, plans for our careers, stuff like that. 

We didn’t date immediately, though.

Why not?

Daniel: It just didn’t occur to us yet.

Sam: But then, he came to celebrate with me right after my convocation in 2017. He’d graduated the year before, and my school was in a different state from where we lived. He took the three-to-four-hour road trip to come visit me. I was touched.

Daniel: I still thought of her as a friend at that time, but a very good, important friend.

Sam: He’s like that in general. He expresses his love for people by physically showing up for them no matter what. 

Anyway, after he returned home and the fanfare was over, I sat at home for a while, waiting for my NYSC posting and thinking about the few hours we spent together in school. I told God I wanted whoever I ended up with to be as kind and caring as he was.

How did you start dating?

Sam: We’ll get there. 

But first, the NYSC posting came, and I got to stay in PH. We hung out once in a while until he started dating someone else. I became casual friends with her, but when they broke things off barely five months in, I was surprised. I thought they really liked each other. 

I asked what happened, and he revealed to me for the first time that he had sickle cell. 

Daniel: Her parents advised her not to get too serious with me, and she thought there was no point delaying the inevitable. It wasn’t the first time, but maybe because I was an adult now, the experience hit me hard.

Sam: I was heartbroken on his behalf. 

That night, I researched everything there was to know about the disorder: how it affects people, treatments, cure, life expectancy. I felt so committed to him all of a sudden. The more I read, the more I understood why the girl ran, but it also made me angry at everyone and no one. 

I was confused because he seemed perfectly healthy to me. I kept thinking back to every time I’d hung out with him for any sign of weakness or pain I might’ve overlooked. I called him the next day and told him not to mind her, that I would be there for him. I was so dramatic.

How did he respond?

Sam: He laughed at me and then said, “Thank you.” I could tell he appreciated my support.

Daniel: I did. I had only Sam, my mum and one of my other friends to lean on at that time. Once we all got jobs, we got busy trying to survive, and I didn’t remember to be heartbroken anymore. 

Sam: By 2019, we only spoke over the phone maybe once a month. But the conversations were still good. We sent greetings, and sometimes, gifts on important days. 

Daniel: On my birthday, she ordered food to my office and still apologised that she couldn’t send me a proper gift. That year, apart from my brother in Germany, who sent me £70, no one had sent me anything. I think that’s when it dawned on me that she really cared about me.

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Did you care about her too?

Daniel: I cared about her a lot. But I never thought she cared about me half as much until that day. I don’t know why.

Some weeks later, I decided I wanted to ask her out, but it felt awkward because we’d been friends for so long. I kept telling myself, “Guy, you’ve been friend or even brother-zoned.”

Sam: Meanwhile, I was there wanting him to like me so badly. 

I’d dated two guys so far but always wound up comparing them to him. None of them were ever as gentle and good-hearted, not even this one guy I was very physically attracted to.

Daniel: I eventually worked up the courage to ask her out in July 2020. We met up, and she even kissed me. It was such a happy day.

What was dating like after almost a decade of friendship?

Sam: It’s been warm and familiar and comfortable. 

We get each other almost too much. We had the soft honeymoon period for up to two years, where it was just pure bliss. We’d go on dates, make out for long hours, agree with each other on everything and help each other solve small issues. We even formally met each other’s parents in the first year.

Daniel: Of course, they already knew each other from church, so they were very excited. They kept saying, “See the way the Lord works?” LMAO.

Sam, you’ve experienced his crises firsthand?

Sam: Oh yes. 

The first experience was scary. He was at home alone, and he called me first. My mind went blank. I dashed to his place without a single plan. But then, I got there, and he had everything figured out. He told me exactly what to do. That first time, we didn’t even have to go to the hospital, but it was quite unsettling to see him writhing in so much pain.

I cried so much after, and he was the one who still comforted me. Emotions are crazy, but the whole experience made me love him deeper. 

I thought his health would be the hardest part of our relationship. But everything was fine until I told my parents about it some months later.

Did they tell you to break up with him?

Sam: Yes.

Daniel: It came as a shock to me because I’d grown to believe they loved me. But I also understood they wanted a life free of pain and undue responsibility for their daughter.

Sam: Over time, my friends and siblings found out about it too. 

It got worse after we got engaged. I received a constant barrage of “Are you sure you can handle the stress long-term?” “You’ll regret this when you’re older and love has left your eyes” “You’re trying o. It can’t be me.” Someone even blatantly asked me, “Hope you know they die young?”

It’s amazing how shallow and callous human beings can be, particularly to the people closest to them.

Daniel: I’m used to being seen as my disease instead of the human that I am. It’s something people do all the time, knowingly or unknowingly. When you have something like sickle cell, diabetes or cancer, it becomes your complete identity.

Sam: People constantly judge our entire relationship based on it. My friends still greet me with, “How’s it going with him?” They have that look in their eyes that lets you know they’re talking about the sickle cell. They no longer care about other aspects of our relationship.

How do you both cope?

Sam: It’s been much better to manage since we moved to Manitoba, Canada, in 2023. We have peace of mind now.

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Tell us about the other aspects of your relationship

Daniel: Things have gone smoothly for us. The alienation has drawn us so close to each other that we mostly only rely on ourselves.

Sam: We understand each other so well now because we’ve spent so much time talking things out and exchanging advice. We’ve spoken about how we want to build our family and raise our children — who’ll be safe from the sickle cell because I’m not a carrier. We could be decisive and strategic about our japa plans because of this as well.

Daniel: Now that we’re in Canada, we have no choice but to be best friends because there’s no one else to be friends with for now.

Sam, how do your parents feel about your relationship post-japa?

Sam: They’re sympathetic over the phone, but mostly, they’ve gotten over their aversion to it. We have many joint conversations between us and both parents. Everyone is at peace and civil.

Daniel: I still sense their lack of support. They haven’t warmed back up to me to the level we were at before they knew I had sickle cell. And sometimes, they make comments that allude to my weakness or lack of ability to take care of their daughter. Especially her dad.

Sam: I never sensed this until he brought it up this year. Now, I can sense it in everything they say to him. In all, we reduce our communication with Nigeria to the minimum.

So will the wedding happen in Canada?

Daniel: At first, that wasn’t the plan. But it’s becoming more and more likely so. We’ll still try to make sure both our parents and key family members can witness it and mark the day with us. I’m speaking with my dad about it.

Sam: TBH, we now regret not having a simple court wedding in Nigeria before leaving, at least, for documentation purposes here. That way, we wouldn’t even have had to stress about it now. But somehow somehow, we go run am.

Daniel: We’re already married in our hearts. Our only concern is legal.

Sam: We also can’t wait to start with the kids. But I don’t want that to happen until we’re legally married.

Have you had any major fights yet?

Daniel: Not really. 

When we first moved here, we were both quite cranky and had disagreements over the smallest things. But since one of our neighbours said it was a common reaction to the extreme cold after living in a hot environment all our lives, we’ve kind of calmed down.

Sam: Our relationship is a very soft, gentle one. When we have disagreements, we usually just talk it out. We’ve disagreed over what job opportunities to take, temperature levels — he loves the room to be chilly when he sleeps. 

Back in Nigeria, we could disagree over things like food. At first, he constantly ordered food for himself without ordering for me, and I used to be so annoyed by it. Nothing serious, though.

How would you rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sam: 9. Nothing’s perfect.

Daniel: I disagree, so 10.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

We suggest you read this next: Love Life: Our Relationship Is 95% Sex 5% Vibes

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Ebiye: We met in our faculty building in 200 level. She came to the department office section to see her course advisor as her programme’s class rep. I had a pending issue with a course from the last semester, so I was there to see my HOD.

I remember she was wearing this bright pink shirt, one of those that’s long enough to cover your thighs.

Toun: We were studying different programmes in the same faculty, so we crossed paths by chance. 

But I’d noticed him first during a general class at the lecture theatre the year before. Someone commented on how he’s lowkey fine, and I agreed.

What happened when you crossed paths?

Ebiye: We had to wait in the corridor together for a while, so we got to talking. She was with a friend; we spent the time talking about lecturers and the one or two courses we shared. At a point, we exchanged numbers.

Toun: After that, we chatted over the phone a lot and kept crossing paths.

When did you realise you liked each other?

Toun: I think I liked him from day one when I saw him at the lecture theatre. I smiled and thought, “That would be a good guy to be with.” But it was passive. I don’t think I would’ve ever approached him. 

After we met and started texting, my thought became, “This boy is a stupid person.”

Ebiye: Wow. Wow.

I knew I liked her when we started hanging out towards the end of the semester. I asked her to come out one evening; we went on a stroll and then got drinks. I thought she was cool. I knew we’d be hanging out more.

How did you know?

Ebiye: I was just drawn to her. I liked how she smelt. I liked how she talked about things. She didn’t take things too seriously, and I like to surround myself with people who are relaxed. Life is already stressful enough. 

I also really wanted to kiss her at least once.

Toun: Which is what he texted me that night after I’d gotten back to my room.

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Was that the beginning of a relationship?

Toun: Yes, even though the relationship had no name for a while. We just went out together from time to time, normal broke undergrad outings to Coldstone and Filmhouse. He’s also behind my first clubbing experience. 

But what we had never really went beyond casual.

Ebiye: We were focused on school, and we had a lot of mutual friends of both genders. It always felt like we were all just guys.

Toun: But then, two months after we met, we had sex for the first time and that changed things.

Ebiye: The sex was eye-opening.

In what ways?

Ebiye: We’re really compatible in that aspect.

Toun: But everything else? God, abeg.

Ebiye: After that year, we realised we didn’t like each other like that. But we couldn’t stop the sex part. Like, we’d still meet up for it, and when we did it, it was always the best thing ever. So we never stopped. Because of that, we haven’t been able to date other people. 

Toun: Not yet, at least.

Ebiye: We haven’t had the time to meet anyone we really like.

So you’re like… friends with benefits?

Ebiye: Yes and no. Our friends still consider us boyfriend and girlfriend. Our parents too.

Toun: Well, my mum. My dad doesn’t know about us at all.

Ebiye: In school, we went out from time to time, but we had sex any chance we got. Since graduation last year, we’ve drifted a bit. We still call and text most nights, but every time we talk about what we are, I feel somehow.

Toun: We’re just confused about it. I don’t even know what the issue is. I think we like each other but just not well enough to commit.

Why have sex then?

Ebiye: That’s like asking why eat junk food. It feels so good.

Toun: The sex is the only reason why I haven’t gone into depression now that we’re in NYSC. Everything’s just hard. I have this anxiety about my career and making money, and I don’t even know what I’m passionate about.

Ebiye: Same. 

Serving in Lagos together has now made it easy for us to stick together even though we’ve drifted apart in some ways.

Toun: Our relationship has basically been 95% sex, 5% vibes this last year, I won’t lie.

How long do you see it lasting?

Toun: No idea. I’m lowkey scared we’d be one of those people from Nollywood movies who fall in love and get married to a new person but can’t stop fucking their first.

Ebiye: Like go back to their ex’s bed the night before and after their wedding?

Toun: They’ll catch us and disgrace us all over social media. God, abeg.

Have you tried getting external advice?

Toun: My friends think we should just break up. I’ve tried. But this sex thing. I wouldn’t dare ask my mum about it, and I can’t afford therapy right now. I’m also the oldest, so no older siblings to confide in.

Ebiye: I don’t confide much in my friends. A lot of my guys are also friends with her, so I don’t want them thinking anything stupid about her. Same reason I haven’t really talked about it to my brothers. 

But I have this older female cousin, and she thinks we’re just overthinking the whole thing.

Toun: I’ve also not approached it like it’s a problem. He’s actually been a great support system during this time when I’m confused about everything to do with my life.

Ebiye: But I don’t want us to settle and then come to resent each other in the future.

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So you just meet and have sex? How does it work?

Toun: Pretty much. We have NYSC jobs now, so our relationship is meeting up during or after work to chat, eat together or have sex. I don’t even have time for my friends or anything else these days.

Ebiye: Since we started NYSC, we’ve had sex at my place up to four times a week. It’s how we ease the stress of adulting.

Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?

Ebiye: She’s missed her period a few times.

The first was in October 2022. I’ll never forget that night. I almost died when she texted me that it was almost two weeks late. I couldn’t sleep well for a week. We didn’t talk for almost another week. I remember foolishly planning my speech on how I’d do my best to support her, how I wouldn’t abandon her. I was just gassing myself up. LMAO.

Toun: Thankfully, my period eventually came.

Now, I have an implant. The anxiety wasn’t worth it.

How did you know to get that?

Toun: My mum. 

She obviously doesn’t know how much sex we’re having. But in final year, she sat me down and asked if I was still a virgin, and I told her the truth. Right after graduation, she paid for me to get an implant at a proper facility. 

It also regulates my period, so that was another plus.

Ebiye: We also regularly go get tested together because we stopped using condoms. We went twice last year. Each time, I’d think about my life, and how I didn’t consent to this level of adulting. It helps us bond but also has a way of draining what little romance might’ve existed between us.

Does this affect the sex in any way?

Ebiye: Actually, we’re so free now when it comes to sex. We try out a lot of things. No one is shy anymore. 

Toun: I think it’s actually gotten better.

Have you guys had a major fight yet?

Toun: I don’t think so. We’re too much of jokers to fight like that.

Ebiye: I think the highest we’ve fought over is random arguments with our other friends. Maybe about some Twitter trend or Tinubu or something.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Toun: I don’t even know. Should we be rating it at this point?

Ebiye: 10. We understand each other, and I feel good when I’m with you.

Toun: Aww. My own is sha 5 until we figure things out.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Vanessa: We remember it very differently. 

He claims I snubbed him while I vividly remember shaking his hand as enthusiastically as I could manage. But it was clear there was negative tension there from day one.

Dare: It was at a bar, so we were bound to have different memories of the meeting. She was waiting for someone and was being rude to the barman. I just politely greeted her as I waited for my drink with a friend. 

Turned out I knew the person she was hanging with from school. The person reintroduced us, and we all ended up spending most of that night together.

How did that go?

Vanessa: It was fun, but we kept rubbing each other the wrong way. 

He always says I was snubbish to him and his friends the whole night. And he went home deciding he couldn’t stand me. For me, he barely spoke to me, so how did he reach that conclusion? I thought he was too distant, but his nice lips stood out to me.

Dare: Unfortunately — or should I say, fortunately — that was the start of us seeing each other almost every week because our mutual friends got close. One of my guys even asked her out. They dated for up to a year.

When did you realise you liked each other?

Dare: It took at least two years of hating first. 

Vanessa: Between 2017 and 2019, we’d meet at our friends’ get-togethers, parties, hangouts and everything in between. 

Dare: Every time I saw her at these things, I’d just be annoyed for no reason. It was either she was making comments about how someone should stop feeling good about their car because it was basically Uber drivers’ default car or she was being unnecessarily picky with her food. 

But I always noticed her, even when we didn’t talk to each other. I’d also think about one thing or another she’d done long after I’d left the outing.

Vanessa: I thought he was an asshole because of the way he looked at me when our paths crossed. His tone when he spoke to me was always distant, even after months and years had passed of us knowing each other.

Then August 2019 came, and we had to attend an event together for work.

Work?

Vanessa: I was chasing a deal and needed an introduction to one of the sponsors we were chasing. I asked within our friend group, and everyone pointed at him. He knew a key executive at the company directly, so I had to go to his private chat for help.

Dare: I offered to get her into an event where she could meet the guy personally. 

Vanessa: I jumped at the opportunity. I was struggling at work at that time because my KPIs had pivoted, and I had no idea how to execute the new expectations. But I didn’t want to let my bosses know so I wouldn’t get fired. 

We met up at the place, and for some reason, I started confiding in him about how lost I was when it came to pitching and closing sponsors. He pulled me aside before we entered the venue and gave me a crash course on what to do. 

Even though he was still annoying about it, I really appreciated that. I got to see a less cold side of him.

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Was this the turning point of your relationship?

Vanessa: In hindsight, yes. 

The drive back was interesting. We had this weirdly random conversation where he told me he didn’t usually date Igbo girls. I rolled my eyes so hard, but I also knew he was lowkey flirting.

Dare: We got to the venue separately, but I offered her a ride home. I had my dad’s car for the night, so I thought, why not?

Vanessa: I realised he was a kind person. It didn’t matter that he obviously didn’t like me, he was still cordial.

Dare: During the car ride, I discovered she was talkative. That’s why I was always catching her snide comments. She talked a lot and loved to make fun of things, including herself.

Did she make fun of you during this ride?

Dare: Nope. She was too busy making fun of herself, picking at everything seemingly dumb she’d done at the event. We became a lot closer after that. She needed me to strengthen communications with the guy we went to see, of course.

Vanessa: I think we also felt the beginnings of a real friendship. But then, a lot happened in the next few months. Like, the pandemic.

How did COVID affect this blossoming friendship?

Vanessa: Maybe because we’d just started being real friends before the lockdown, but we suddenly became the closest people to each other when it all went down. We were constantly texting. He and my mum were my major support system amid the uncertainty.

Dare: I worked in tech support, so I was one of the few people who had to brave the pandemic midway into the lockdown to be in the office. A lot of times, I had to sleep over there or at a nearby hotel. Our office was also thinning out because of the layoffs, so I had less and less company. 

It became a favourite pastime to text her and exchange jokes.

Vanessa: We spent a lot of time talking about our lives, families, exes, best and worst moments, things like that. Before I knew it, I had to confess the bitter truth to one of my friends, that I was crushing on him. 

She screamed, “I thought we hated him.” I laughed hard.

Did you tell him how you felt?

Vanessa: God, no. We still had about a year of sending each other mixed signals ahead of us. He was active in the EndSARS protests… 

Dare: While she stuck to social media protesting. 

Vanessa: We fought over that. He thought we had to all leave our phones and be more present at the protests. He kept trying to get me to come to the tollgate, but I never did. 

By December, we started attending hangouts again, and I noticed him get close to some other girl, so I told myself to move on.

Then one night, while I was out with a guy I was talking to, he walked up to our table to say hi. We chatted for a bit, and when he left, the guy I was with looked at me and said, “You know that guy likes you, right?”

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Huh?

Vanessa: Yes o. I just rolled my eyes, but inside, I was smiling brightly.

Dare: I don’t know what that one saw in five seconds of banter. He was right sha. We can go on and on, but the summary is we kept getting closer as friends until I decided to ask her out as a joke midway into 2021.

Vanessa: He made it seem like a joke, but I knew he was serious. He asked me to eat out with him at a nice restaurant and everything. Idiot.

Dare: Since then, we’ve been annoying each other into sticking together.

What does the future look like?

Dare: That’s something we hardly talk about actually. We’re not in a hurry to do anything at all.

Vanessa: It hasn’t felt like we’ve been together for three years at all. The years have just zoomed by, it’s scary. 

I know you’re wondering if we ever talk about marriage, but it’s honestly not the priority for either of us right now. It will make things too serious; we’re enjoying our current freedom to be whatever we feel like to each other at any given moment.

Dare: We’ll most likely be together for a long long time, that’s all I know.

Have you had a major fight yet?

Dare: Haven’t you been hearing us say we fought about this and fought over that? You think we were just exaggerating?

Vanessa: We fight o. All the time. Like serious shouting, and sometimes, crying.

Dare: We’re both really expressive about things we care about. We can fight over politics or how we’re budgeting for the month or our schedule for the day.

One day last month, I agreed to go with my friends to watch a show on the same day she’d wanted me to go with her for her friend’s dinner. I casually mentioned it to her over the phone, and she lashed out. I’d forgotten. She was so upset, we basically had a shouting match about how I never thought about her.

Vanessa: It was me screaming that he didn’t care about me and he screaming back that I was all he thought about. It was the cutest most triggering thing ever. We still shouted back and forth for a good five minutes. I still cried and didn’t talk to him for a day. And he still sent me “big head” as a text message on the second day.

And it doesn’t feel like the tension will add up over time?

Dare: Omo, there’s too much tension coming from outside, with work stress and price hikes to even feel anything but gratitude that we have each other.

Vanessa: I actually agree with that. There’s no time to overthink anything these days. We fight, we get it all out of our system, and then, we move on. It’s even therapeutic sometimes. 

Dare: The point is that we like each other. I’m sure the day we don’t like each other again, we’ll part ways, but till then, we’ll enjoy each other — the good and the bad parts.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 – 10?

Vanessa: 7. We’re toxic AF, but it works.

Dare: 8. You and who is toxic? I’m perfectly normal, please.

*Names were changed for anonymity.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

THANK YOU, NEXT: Love Life: We Were 40+ and Had Never Married When We Met

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Michael: I met Chima at a friend’s birthday lunch in 2009. She was a friend of his wife. I’m not sure we’d have gotten to know each other if we didn’t get into a long heated conversation about internal politics between some companies. 

I’d heard about her. She was about to be CEO of an arm of the company she worked at. And I respected her more that day when I heard her speak. I liked how cleverly she argued.

Chima: It was a pleasant evening. I noticed him because we sat at the same side of my friend’s living room. Even though he was a fairly known director in his company, he didn’t force his opinions like most of the other people did during the argument. He’d say what he knew and then stop to listen to other people. I thought he was really respectful. 

So when he called me the next day hoping I wasn’t angry he got my number from his friend, I wasn’t at all. I was glad our interests aligned. It rarely happens that someone makes a good impression on you and you make an impression on the same person.

True. Did he call just to say hi?

Michael: I called to ask her to lunch. But it took a while to align our schedules to make it happen. I later learnt that she thought it would be a waste of time, so she didn’t prioritise. However, I kept pushing for it.

Chima: My lack of interest in a friendship with him seemed to make him keep pushing for a meeting, so by the third week, I felt bad and made time for him. We went out during my ill-used lunch break on a Thursday afternoon.

How did it go?

Chima: It was a definitive two hours for us. He told me I was who he’d been waiting for all his life. At first, I said yinmu. I mean, did he really call me there to drop university lines? 

But you see, he’d also never been married before. 47 and unmarried? I was curious.

Michael: I explained to that her I ruined a long-term relationship because I was hyper-focused on work and achieving my goals. 

I was with my ex for close to ten years. In 2003, she broke things off — she’d fallen out of love with me because I was emotionally unavailable. Meanwhile, I was ready to marry her, but she made me realise we’d lost our connection at some point. 

After that, I focused more on work and my hobbies. It’s hard to get back into the dating pool in your 40s for either gender. Don’t mind what men say.

Chima: I’d also never been married, because of how important building a high-quality career was for me. I could relate to his story more than he probably thought.

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Had you been in any long-term relationships?

Chima: No. 

I had, maybe, four boyfriends or suitors in total, and none of these relationships lasted longer than a year. I sense bullshit really quickly, and I don’t like to deceive myself. There were things I wanted in a life partner, and I was ready to stay single forever if I didn’t get someone close.

My parents, both university professors, raised me to be fiercely independent. I’ve never been invested in marriage as a compulsory milestone in life. I’m much too pragmatic for that. A high quality of life was my main priority, then wide recognition in a field of work, then companionship, in that order.

Michael: We aligned on that. While I’d most likely have been intimidated by her ideals when I was a young man, in my old age of 47, it was exactly what got me excited about her. I was impressed, and I wanted her to be mine to show off.

So what happened after lunch?

Michael: I asked to take her to lunch the same time and day the following week. She agreed.

Chima: We’ve been doing that every week whenever we’re in the same city since then. We go out to eat lunch together every Thursday.

Michael: During our second lunch, we talked about our individual future plans, and I told her I was determined to marry her. She responded that I shouldn’t try to mess with her plans and independence. And I told her, “Not on my life”.

Did you get married soon after?

Michael: No. We had those lunches for almost a year, enjoying each other’s company and discovering what we liked to eat. 

Then I attended her church a couple of times to meet with her spiritual parents and worship together. Our first visit to her church made things feel more real; like we were really seeing each other. It was her way of saying she was beginning to take my interest seriously.

Chima: The turning point in our relationship was in the summer of 2010, when we vacationed together in Cancun. I knew my spirit was accepting that he would be my husband. I felt at one with him. He made the relationship, communication, everything, so easy.

In what ways?

Chima: The way we decided to vacation together, chose a spot, and navigated the planning and logistics. I’d never had a smoother travel experience with anyone. Not even my best girlfriends or parents. 

We just agreed on things. Even when we wanted different hotels or activities, it was easy to find a middle ground that didn’t make me feel bad that I was either shortchanging him or myself.

Michael: I found that she never became deliberately stubborn or domineering just to prove her independence. I loved how thoughtful and politely logical she was at all times.

When I noticed her demeanour softened towards me during our Cancun stay, I made arrangements for a ring shortly after we returned to Lagos. I knew the time was right.

How excited were the people around you when you announced your plan to marry?

Michael: Very excited, as you can imagine.

Chima: My parents were surprised. They thought I’d settled for a life of spinsterhood. To be fair, I thought so too. I wasn’t even thinking about marriage when Michael came into the picture.

Michael: I’ll have to say finding someone I align with was a relief. A lot of people had previously tried to matchmake me. My mum would bring young women from the village, and I started to have this paranoia that I’d end up settling with someone I was incompatible with.

Chima, I imagine you also felt the societal pressure to marry

Chima: I didn’t, really. I always shut down the marriage talk because it wasn’t something I’d ever been excited about. I didn’t see the inherent value in it beyond eternal companionship. And if that was the goal, it was more important for me to end up with someone on the same page as me.

Michael: Spoken like a true daughter of professors.

Chima: I couldn’t imagine trying to find someone to marry in my 20s when I was still struggling with my early career and passing all the certification exams. I would’ve been derailed because relationships are high-maintenance.

Then imagine dealing with a young marriage and young children while navigating the fragile mid-level stage of a financial career. I know a lot of people do it successfully, but I also watched people struggle to balance it. It was much easier and faster for me without all that responsibility. 

Michael: There’s something to be said about dating as an advanced adult. Romance was much easier between us than it ever was in my 30s, and I wasn’t ever broke. Just a whole lot more settled and secure in my 40s.

Would you say more people should start dating in their 40s?

Chima: It depends on your priorities. If starting a family is the most important thing to you, then of course, there’s biologically an ideal period for pregnancy.

Michael: All we’re saying is it was much easier to court and establish a strong foundation of romance, friendship and partnership when we weren’t also trying to establish a decent career or individual life path. We could both think clearly as we went in.

Speaking of family and pregnancy…

Chima: I had a natural birth in 2012, a year after we got married. But after our first child, we opted for surrogacy for the other two. We hadn’t even spoken about children when I got pregnant. We almost took him out. But I’m glad I got to experience that pregnancy and labour.

Michael: I was terrified when she gave me the positive pregnancy results from the doctors, and for a week, we’d resolved it was wise to abort. We wanted kids, but we were also cock sure it was unsafe for her at 44. But her O&G of about a decade said he’d never seen a more healthy pregnancy. He convinced us, so we decided to take a chance.

Chima: Right after that, I got implants.

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Michael: Surrogacy was also scary. I’d heard a lot about it. But I still had so many questions. 

Would the baby have some of the surrogate mother’s DNA? What if she clings to the baby psychologically and never wants to let go? What if the baby doesn’t ever bond with its biological mother? 

But we did it twice, and everything went fine in the end.

What was your first major fight about?

Chima: We fought a lot when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2018. That’s how I found out that people develop new personalities when they’re sick, and mine was mean. 

I was so cruel to Michael on my sick bed that when I think back to that time, I feel I ran temporarily mad.

Michael: It’s like when they say someone is a mean drunk.

Chima: I’d throw stuff at him when he tried to help me stand or anything at all. I even bit him sometimes.

Michael: We fought about things like whether she could work and take on projects while undergoing chemo. Things got worse when she had to do a mastectomy.

We fought about going to church and believing in God for her healing. I was very determined to have her fly to the UK for the surgery instead. 

She thought I was ruining the faith that would’ve brought her miracle.

Chima: This went on until the cancer left in January 2022.

Thank God. How hard was it to get back to normal after a serious illness and numerous fights?

Michael: Whatever resentment that festered was neutralised by her new clean bill of health. The genuine joy and relief was strong. 

My wife was supposed to be dying, but she wasn’t anymore. I was just grateful we had a clean slate.

Chima: I also went out of my way to invalidate all my mean words and actions once I got my strength back. I made it clear I meant none of that, and I’ve been more intentional about kind words and gestures.

Michael: She spoils me and won’t let me spoil her. So instead of feeling upset about the past, all I feel is gratitude for life.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Michael: We just got a second chance at life together, and it’s been more of a 10 than ever.

Chima: 10. He’s a reminder of God’s promise to me that his time is the best.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

YOU’LL LOVE THIS: Love Life: I Fell in Love With My Childhood Friend

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Tade: We’ve been family friends since before I can remember. We lived in the same neighbourhood, had our clique of friends and our families attended the same church.

Sonia: The nostalgia! We played with my dolls on weekends. Both the boys and girls. We’d all sit on the floor in my living room, playing pretend in the afternoons.

Were you guys close then?

Sonia: No. We didn’t have a bond until she transferred to my school in JSS 3. I was the only person she knew, so she gravitated towards me and my group of friends. We got closer because we had inside jokes most of my friends didn’t understand.

Tade: We had so much fun in secondary school. We became so close that our classmates, mostly boys, used to tease us and say we were dating. Look at us now.

Let’s get into how that happened

Sonia: I wasn’t thinking about relationships in secondary school. I didn’t even have crushes. But I knew I had a special bond with Tade. I had a best friend, but even she knew Tade and I were closer than we were. 

Tade: We were by ourselves a lot, talking about TV shows, clothes and our plans for the future. When she entered the boarding house in SS 1, we drifted just a little because we spent less time together. But we still had stuff we could only talk about with each other.

During the holidays, we’d hang out in church, participating in dramas and dance performances. A lot of our childhood friends had left by then, but they were replaced over time with other kids.

When did you realise you liked each other beyond friendship?

Tade: After high school graduation, she went to the US for uni. Meanwhile, my parents had started having issues in their marriage, and my brother and I were collateral damage. Things got so heated that they couldn’t agree on what university I should attend. 

The result? I ended up spending three years at home before I moved to Cyprus to study mathematical engineering. 

Sonia: I was sure she’d make a new life and forget about me. To begin with, the time difference was even crazier to keep up with than when she was in Nigeria.

Tade: But somehow, we managed to stay in touch through that and the craziness of studying for exams and term papers. The turning point for us was when we both swindled our parents into paying for me to attend her graduation in 2016. 

Don’t ask how we managed it, please. 

I have to

Tade: We lied. Do you want people to call the police?

Sonia: She told her parents two different stories about how she had to pay for a special course, and they both sent her money. I told mine that there was a graduation fee. 

Tade: I actually think back now and feel bad we made our parents cough out money so suddenly. I don’t think I can do something like that again. But I don’t regret it.

You lied, and then, you saw each other again…

Sonia: For the first time in almost five years. I remember us dancing, crying and jumping in the middle of the arrival hall at the airport. People must’ve thought we were crazy.

Tade: It was during this visit we had our first kiss.

Details, please

Tade: We kissed on the second night. 

It was the night before the ceremony. We lay in bed after a long evening out with her school friends. We couldn’t sleep, but we were also too wired to talk. It felt like the most natural thing to lean into each other and kiss.

Sonia: She stayed for a couple of days in my little apartment, and we had to share my small bed. I wanted to do so much more, but we chose restraint.

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Why? Was it awkward?

Sonia: A little. It was a little kiss, no tongues or anything. It’s crazy that I can remember it like it was yesterday. We were both so nervous with each other. We didn’t want to mess things up. I don’t know how we kept from going all out actually. Maybe because the feelings were new, and we were overthinking trying to understand them. 

Tade: We must’ve known without even having to discuss it that our love was becoming different. There was this new energy between us. I wanted to hug her all the time and for much longer than normal, but I just didn’t.

Sonia: I kept thinking about the fact that she’d leave soon, and it made me almost depressed. I wanted her energy around me for the foreseeable future. So the visit was rather bittersweet.

Tade: We even briefly talked about her coming back to Cyprus with me. But I think we both decided that wouldn’t be wise. In the end, I had to go back sad and alone.

Did you make any decisions about your relationship before you left?

Tade: Not really. A lot was left unsaid. We just focused on celebrating her milestone. I still had about two years of school left. We were so young. We had nothing figured out.

Sonia: I threw myself into job hunting and a master’s programme. And we went back to finding time to talk to each other over FaceTime.

Tade: For the next two years, things were dry and uneventful… except when she helped me write my thesis. 

Pardon

Tade: I’m exaggerating, obviously. We didn’t even study the same course, but she’s great with academic writing so she offered to help. She also had better access to research papers and better methodologies based on the American curriculum. It made everything faster. 

Sonia: She got into a couple of relationships though. 

Tade: More like flings.

With girls?

Tade: Yes. I’d pretty much figured out that I liked women. 

Sonia: I was too busy having anxiety over my career and future to have “flings”. People tried to get with me, mostly guys, but they never worked out because I was always too impatient and most black guys in the States are arrogant.

Tade: After I finally graduated in 2018, I moved to Georgia on a work visa. Three months later, she got a new job in DC, and we moved there together. We’ve been inseparable ever since.

Were you official at this point?

Sonia: Yes. I don’t know how it happened, but it happened.

Tade: I think it became clear when she invited me to move to the US and move in with her, and I actually did it. I was scared AF because I had zero plans. My parents wanted me back in Nigeria, but I didn’t want that. I had to get uncles and cousins to chip in on the travel and visa payments. 

Sonia: I offered to give her some money too, but she refused.

Tade: It was bad enough I’d be living in her house with no job for some time. 

When I got here, the first thing we did was make out for hours. It was pretty clear we were official.

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So how’s the last five years been together in DC?

Sonia: Everything from the shootings to the pandemic, inflation and job insecurity has tested us. But it’s been great having each other to fight the battles with.

Our relationship has been a dream. There’s no anger or depression that can’t be solved with kisses and cuddles, just lying under our thick bed covers in each other’s arms, crying, ranting, laughing or whatever.

Tade: Something we picked up recently has been spending Saturday evenings in bed, watching old black and white movies until we fall asleep.

Do your families back home know about you two?

Tade: No.

Sonia: Nope.

Tade: It’ll probably stay that way for a while.

Sonia: None of our siblings or relatives know either. We don’t entertain people like that.

Tade: We don’t hide it from the public, but our life has been pretty insulated. We mostly hang out with work friends and a few people from Sonia’s universities or our secondary school. Most of them know about us.

Sonia: My high school bestie teases us all the time like, “I knew. I just knew it!” I’m like, girl, chill.

Tade: We still get side looks from the Naij folks, though. It can be funny at times. Other times, it’s really annoying.

Tell me about that

Sonia: It’s mostly the newly born-again guys. Everyone is finding Christ afresh and getting so religious these days. I wonder if it’s something in the air. But I think they mean well. They try to preach in the most polite ways.

Tade: But it’s still disrespectful.

Sonia: One time, we were hosting in our apartment because I just got a long-awaited promotion, and we invited up to 15 of our friends. Tade and I were in the open kitchen at some point. She wanted to get some more drinks from the fridge. I followed her and we hugged and kissed a little. 

I turned and saw this babe giving us a strong stank look. Tade didn’t even notice. But then, the next day, we were talking to the girl on the phone, and she said, “You know you guys can invite me to things, but you don’t have to make out in my face when you know I love the Lord.”

Tade: I was so angry, I just told her she doesn’t have to come to our house anymore then.

I’m screaming. Have you guys had a major fight?

Tade: For sure. We had this major major one recently that made me scared I’d ruined our relationship for the first time. It was over money.

One of the major aspects of our lives is budgeting. You have to budget well to survive in this country. We budget for all the little things, but we also do it for vacations, major purchases and all.

Sonia: This was in 2022. 

We’d been planning to move to a two-bed for some time. When we’d had most of the money together to move, renovate and so on. Tade took most of it to replace her computer and buy some other gadget. I get it was an emergency, but I went crazy because she didn’t even talk to me first.

Tade: My stuff got wrecked, and I was in the middle of this important project. I’d even lost some of my work in the process. I thought she’d understand.

Sonia: The shock was mind-blowing because I was already dreaming of our new space. We had our biggest fight ever, and I won’t forget it any time soon. I finally understand why people say proper communication is so important. If she’d only spoken to me before making that decision with our money, maybe I’d have understood or come up with an alternative.

How did you get past that?

Sonia: By talking. She slept on the couch for some days though.

Tade: She made me cry and beg. She only forgave me after I went on my period, and she saw me suffer through my cramps.

Sonia: I couldn’t stay angry with her while she was in pain. But then, mine started like two days later. It was such a funny, painful mess.

What does the future look like?

Tade: The usual. Marriage. Kids. Not sure how involved our families will be in all that, but we’ve made a pseudo-family here.

Sonia: There’s my career mentor. She and her husband are like parents to us now. We vacation with them a lot. And we have lots of friends turned siblings who’ve been willing to sacrifice large amounts of money, time and favours to help us in so many ways.

Tade: But it’s not one-sided. We’re there for them in many ways too.

Are you saying your biological family hasn’t been?

Sonia: Mine have tried their best, and I’ll always love them for it. I send stuff back home all the time. 

But they aren’t here. They don’t do much for me in terms of companionship. I have sisters in Atlanta and my brother is in Dallas, but we haven’t seen each other in years. I respect it. They’re building their own families too. 

Tade: We’re completely estranged. My brother, father, mother and I — we all live separate lives. Besides the occasional WhatsApp call with my brother, I don’t feel much like we’re connected in any way. 

My father has a new wife with kids. My mum also remarried.

Sonia: But it’s fine. Everyone gets to find their tribe. We don’t have to be restricted by blood ties. And in the end, what matters most is finding your soulmate and making the most of it.

True. And how would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Tade: 10. 100 even.

Sonia: 10. I actually can’t imagine doing this life without you.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

READ THIS NEXT: Love Life: We Left the Country for His Stalking Ex

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Gbemi: I was standing on the road, waiting for a bus or bike, when this car stopped in front of me and wound down. It was actually the second car that stopped to offer me a ride that evening, but the no in my head immediately turned to yes when I felt the AC blow out of his car. I quickly thanked him and opened the door.

Muiz: I remember seeing this fine girl standing close to the bus stop. I wanted to get her out of the sun and into my life.

I’d just come out of a long relationship with someone I was sure I would marry, so I wasn’t thinking about a relationship when I decided to offer her a ride. I only wanted fine company and to give her some comfort.

Hmm. Were you both going the same way?

Muiz: She said she was going home, but she lived much further than my destination. I thought I’d drop her as far as I could go, and at least, I’d have made some part of her journey comfortable.

Gbemi: Unfortunately, it would’ve been hard to get a straight bus home anywhere around where he was going compared to where he’d picked me up from. When I told him this, he felt bad, so I downplayed it. I really didn’t want to get out of his car. It was so chilled and smelt nice. On top of that, he had Keri Hilson, one of my favourite R&B musicians, playing on his radio. I would’ve followed him wherever.

Muiz: We got to talking. I asked her about work, her family. I’m generally a curious person, so I’m always asking people everything about themselves. But with this complete stranger, I felt particularly interested. I like the way she speaks. Na she learn English pass everyone in Nigeria. 

I ended up taking her all the way to her house because I wanted to hear more, and I didn’t feel comfortable dropping her on the road anymore.

So you liked each other already at this point?

Muiz: When I think back now, I think I loved her already. I’m not normally nice enough to drive complete strangers to their doorstep that’s at least 30 minutes away from where I’m going. I’ve never done that before. But also, I wasn’t tripping in any way I ever had before. I genuinely enjoyed her company like I would a friend that I love.

Gbemi: I enjoyed how curious he was about my life and how much he really seemed to listen. At the same time, I didn’t get that vibe that he could be a criminal planning to kidnap or assault me. Girls will understand what I mean. I was so comfortable being in his car and talking to him that it didn’t even occur to me until later that night that I should’ve been more on guard. 

From that day until today, he’s never left my mind for one second.

Muiz: We didn’t even collect numbers that night. When I left her house, I started regretting, but I still had my last relationship to manage. 

I’d broken up with my ex when I found out she’d been cheating for a while, but she was still harassing me to get back together. I just wanted peace of mind for a while.

But?

Gbemi: Some weeks later, he came to my house to ask about me. 

He’d come some days before, when I wasn’t home and left a handwritten note with my maiguard. Nothing romantic. It was something like “Just so you know I dropped by. I hope your life is going fine.”

Muiz: When I finally met her at home, the first thing I asked for was her number. We went to a nearby eatery to chat for like an hour over chips and chicken. After that day, we talked on the phone regularly for months.

What were you talking about?

Gbemi: Nothing really. They weren’t long calls. I think the point was this constant need to check up on each other.

Muiz: One day, we talked about this bulb that just stopped working in my room. Another day, it was how I wished she’d come cook asaro for me in my house.

Gbemi, did you go and cook asaro in his house?

Gbemi: Before we got married, never.

Muiz: I tried my best to make her, but she no gree. 

Gbemi: I was too busy making it every other day in my father’s house to come and continue the struggle in another man’s house.

So when did you accept that you loved each other?

Muiz: One day, I was on the phone with her when my friend, who was crashing at my place that week, told me to just ask her out. He was like the way I was smiling while talking to her was not normal. 

I thought about it and realised he was right. She really made me happy.

I remember, when I met my ex, it was chaos from beginning to end. I liked her because she was crazy and made me feel alive. But with Gbemi, I have peace and it’s like I’m in heaven with God’s angels.

Gbemi: I always looked forward to our calls. They were short and sweet and left me feeling good about myself. It just got to a point when, once I saw his call, I’d drop everything to answer no matter what I was doing or who I was talking to. My siblings used to laugh at me all the time. 

Also, one of the reasons why I never passed the talking stage with other guys was because they’d always make snarky comments. One time, I made a passing comment about my hair, and this guy responded that he hoped I wasn’t trying to get him to pay for it. Another one, we were at a restaurant waiting for our food when I grumbled about them not giving us garlic bread and water to just hold our belly. He responded that “Are you trying to impress me?” 

But Muiz never made condescending comments like that. He was always sensitive and thoughtful. I noticed that very quickly.

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How did the asking out go?

Muiz: It took her a week to say yes. She kept saying she’d think about it, and she wasn’t sure she was ready for a relationship.

Gbemi: He was the only guy I ever dated. Before him, it was eternal talking stage after talking stage. I don’t count the guys I dated in school because those ones weren’t serious.

Muiz: Someone somewhere is telling people you were their girlfriend. Not knowing you’ve erased them from your history.

Gbemi: Sorry for them. 

I was scared because I felt I liked him too much. I was already thinking of what I’d do if he broke my heart. I sha said okay after a while because he kept sending me gifts. Every day, he’d send me something small: a novel, a pair of earrings, a CD of my best series. I had no choice but to agree.

What was dating like?

Gbemi: Nothing changed for at least a year. Except that I went to his house sometimes. We mostly spoke over the phone. 

He continued sending me small small gifts, but of course, not as often. I still have some of those gifts together in a box somewhere.

Muiz: It made me feel much better knowing we were exclusive. I just knew I could trust her to be faithful and that made me love her even more.

Gbemi: Then toward the end of 2013, I met his so-called ex and she did everything she could to frustrate our relationship.

What happened?

Gbemi: The first time I met her was at an event I attended with Muiz. The funny thing was I was admiring her from afar. I didn’t even know who she was, but she was dressed so beautifully. I was about to compliment her when someone introduced us, and she just snubbed me.

Muiz: Then I don’t know how she got Gbemi’s number, but she started harassing her with calls and threatening messages.

Gbemi: I had to block her.

Muiz: I thought she’d gotten over me. But the moment she found out I was in another relationship, she started her drama again. There’s no one I didn’t call to warn her, from her mother to her grandmother.

Gbemi: One day after we got married, we randomly walked past each other on the road, and she just shoved me back. It remained small, I would’ve fallen right on the road, and a bike zoomed past right after. 

My whole body was shaking, my heart was banging. By the time I’d settled down, she was gone.

How were you guys able to marry despite her disturbance?

Muiz: We ignored it as best we could. It wasn’t something that was in our face all the time.

Gbemi: We also talked about it. I asked about their relationship because I wanted to understand why she was behaving like that. But I think that’s just her personality.

Did her behaviour scare you?

Gbemi: It did. 

Sometimes, I’d think to myself, what if this babe tries to attack us in our home or sends boys to beat me or pours acid on my face? But then, I had to just calm myself down.

Muiz: I kept reassuring her and doing my best to caution my ex. 

By early 2014, I knew I wanted us to get married as quickly as possible. I proposed in my sitting room one day, and as soon as she said yes, I went to meet her dad.

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How did it go?

Muiz: Her dad told me, “Uncle, she’s my last born. You have to treat her like an egg.” He made me swear on my life that I would.

Gbemi: Muiz was intentional about everything. Our parents set a date for six months after the proposal to give us time to plan properly and raise money. At no point during this period did I even think about his ex. My mind was completely at peace because I loved him and I wanted him to be my forever.

What was it that made you guys so sure of each other?

Gbemi: For me, it’s his character. He’s a serious-minded person. He’s sure of himself and intentional. He made and still makes me feel secure. 

He also always shows genuine interest in me and the things that make me happy. My career, hobbies, likes and dislikes? He pays attention.

Muiz: She’s smart and has always had her priorities straight. She’s good with work and money, but she also always puts me first.

Then, there was just this sense of trust between us. When I say something, she takes it like that. She doesn’t get suspicious without provocation just because I’m a man. I can’t give a specific example, but I really valued that.

What was life after the wedding like?

Gbemi: Beautiful. We had a great honeymoon period without the honeymoon. The ex tried her best to ruin things, but she didn’t succeed.

Tried to ruin things?

Gbemi: She was always showing up at events and putting undue attention on us. Or trying to get in touch with either of us through unknown numbers. 

The worst was when she showed up at my office calling me a husband snatcher. It was so embarrassing. But more for her than me because no one really took her seriously.

Muiz: I felt bad that she was doing these things. Not just because of how uncomfortable it made Gbemi, but also because this was someone I dated for close to four years. Sometimes, I’d ask myself, “Did I do something wrong to her to make her act this way?”

But she cheated on me. I will never understand why she behaved that way after. Those were crazy times.

Did she eventually stop or you got the police involved?

Muiz: She did not o. We had to leave the country for her.

Gbemi: I’d been a customer service worker at an international airline for about eight years when in 2017, they transferred me to their office in Jordan. They paid for me to relocate and covered part of the costs for my spouse.

Muiz: It was a lucky break for us because we’d just found out she was pregnant before she received the promotion. In fact, we had to hide the pregnancy from the company. Let them not change their minds. You know these big companies can be funny at times.

Gbemi: Come and see us praying to God that my belly doesn’t become obvious before the trip finally happened. That’s how we escaped the crazy ex o. 

We’re now in Canada with our own travel consulting business, so we’re grateful to God for how everything worked out.

Sweet. What was your first major fight about?

Muiz: We have two boys, and if we’ve ever had major fights, it was probably triggered by them.

Gbemi: We have very different approaches when it comes to parenting. 

I’d always told myself I’d be the type of parent to understand my kids and talk to them like they had sense. Muiz is much more traditionally Nigerian, although he’s been taking some of my suggestions. 

Muiz: At the end of the day, I believe discipline wins when it comes to children.

Gbemi: But I draw the line when it comes to shouting at them. I always disagree with that and intervene when I have to.

Muiz: We’ve never had a major fight outside of that. I don’t think we ever even argued before we got married.

How does a major difference like that affect your marriage?

Gbemi: I see it as part of the package of growing old together, so I try not to internalise it or make it about me.

He’s gotten better. I’ve noticed him grow much softer, especially with our second son. He’s much more willing to have conversations with them and get on their level.

Muiz: Parenting as a whole, how much time we devote to caring for the boys, takes a toll on our relationship. There are many times when, between work, the boys, and even school — because she’s studying for an MBA and I’m taking some courses — we don’t have as much one-on-one time as we’d like. 

But I know one day soon, we’ll find ourselves retired and the kids will have moved out to start their lives, and we’d have all the free and peaceful time in the world. So I’m not worried. 

If she’s too soft with them, it only balances out my occasional harshness.

Gbemi: The important thing is he’s a good father and his love shines through most of his actions towards them. And that’s where I come in.

Great. How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of one to ten?

Muiz: 10 because I can’t really imagine things being better than this.

Gbemi: 10. Our journey has been nothing short of perfect so far.

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READ THIS NEXT: Love Life: We Broke Up 5 Times Because of His Depression

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Lola: We met at work in 2017. My former company hired him to do some photography work for three months. The first day he came in and I saw him, I knew I had a crush. It was his eyes. They were so pretty, but he never looked directly at anyone.

Dennis: I noticed her right away. I passed by her cubicle, and she was so focused on her computer, typing God knows what. She’s the fastest typer I know.

Did you get to talk on that first day?

Dennis: Not really. Their CEO introduced me to everyone, including her. Then I went to my corner to figure out what they wanted me to do.

Lola: We didn’t speak until a few days later when we directly worked on a project.

And then, you fell in love?

Lola: No. We didn’t date until after he broke off the contract barely a month in and left our company.

What do you mean “left”?

Dennis: That “project” wasn’t part of the specific deliverables in my contract. Because I didn’t accept to take on tasks outside of the contract, the CEO started overcriticising the work I did. Everything was suddenly rubbish, and it was seriously affecting my anxiety.

Lola: When I noticed he was having issues with our usually mild-mannered CEO, I texted him just to check-in. 

He told me when he started considering leaving, and we talked about his anxiety. However, at the time, I didn’t understand that he meant depression.

When did you figure it out?

Lola: Shortly before we became official.

Dennis: But first, we were friends for a while. She became part of my support system. She’d always check in, even when she was dating some other guy.

Were you considering dating her instead, Dennis?

Dennis: Yes. Who wouldn’t? 

But I felt she was too good for me. I thought she was only reaching out all the time out of pity. She’s really nice like that.

Lola: Men can be idiots when they want to be sha.

How did you eventually get together?

Lola: I had to tell him I liked him, really liked him.

This was mid-2018 after an almost one-year relationship crashed because I wasn’t invested. I liked the guy but not enough to move as fast as he wanted. He wanted us to move in together, to get married at least a year later and all that. I didn’t think I liked him enough for all that. When he noticed I wasn’t invested the way he wanted, he left, and I moved to Dennis.

Dennis: I was shocked when she told me she liked me a lot. It was over the phone, but I believed her because her voice sounded so sincere. I just started crying.

Lola: I listened to him sob over the phone and didn’t even realise when tears started streaming down my eyes.

I think there and then, I should’ve known I was in for a rollercoaster.

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Tell me all about it

Lola: He started texting me a lot, asking what I liked and didn’t like. He was so sweet and poetic in his texts. You could sense that strong aim to please, and I was completely taken by it, trying to answer as openly as possible.

Dennis: The texts were mostly anxiety-driven. I wanted to take her out, and I wanted to do it perfectly. So I had to know precisely the type of food and ambience she liked.

Lola: That first date was nice even though we weren’t exactly dating yet. Afterwards, we didn’t meet much, but we’d text almost 24/7 with phone calls in between. 

Then I noticed him withdraw. After some months, the texts became less frequent to the point when I was almost begging him to text me.

Dennis: My mum died after a long illness just before Christmas of 2018, so…

I’m so sorry

Lola: He didn’t tell me that until shortly after New Year 2019. By then, I was frustrated by him. When I heard this, my feelings made a U-turn, and I was heartbroken for him. I knew he was really close to his mum.

Dennis: I felt bad for pushing her away during this time, but I really couldn’t help it. After recovering, I asked her to be my girlfriend, fully expecting her to say no.

Lola: But I said yes.

And for that year, dating meant sharing Ubers to our offices. He lived in Egbeda, I lived in Ikeja, and we both worked on the island, so he’d hail a cab, and then pick me up on the way. We’d mostly make out in the back seat until we entered traffic and I was too shy to continue.

That sounds nice

Lola: That was our life until COVID came and we all had to stay indoors. He lost most of his photography and content gigs and my salary was slashed in half. He called me one morning during lockdown and broke up with me.

Like a phone call?

Dennis: I was in a dark place and didn’t want to have to keep calling or texting through all that. It was really hard for me to do. But I didn’t want her going through emotional stress on top of how the pandemic was most likely already affecting her.

Lola: He didn’t say all this. He just said, “Let’s break up.” I was confused, but he was adamant, and you could even hear the irritation in his voice. No explanation; he just broke up with me and that was it.

And you got back after that how?

Lola: In October 2020, he called me crying.

Dennis: I missed her too much and hated myself for making us separate. A part of me thought she’d call or text to change my mind. I think by the day after I broke things off, I’d changed my mind. 

She never called.

Lola: Why didn’t you call?

So he called you crying, and then what?

Lola: I was confused. I had to drag my sisters into it, and of course, they advised me not to take him back.

I didn’t listen.

Dennis: I kept calling her to apologise and explain myself. I came clean about my depression and how I was already seeing therapists.

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Lola, how did you feel about this revelation?

Lola: I’d already figured out the depression bit when we used to text a lot before his mum passed. He’d constantly question himself and his whole existence. Sometimes, it felt like self-awareness and an urge to be a good person. Other times, it was scary, like he didn’t like himself at all. 

This time around, maybe because I was older, I wondered if I really wanted to be involved in that. But I like him a lot, so I convinced myself I couldn’t just leave him because he was going through things.

Dennis: We didn’t get back together until early December. But then, Christmas was a mess because I was broke AF after COVID, so we didn’t have a decent meetup until around March 2021. In July, we went to Ghana together.

Lola: We were so happy during this period. It was a huge high for him. But by September, he was low again. And I physically experienced his depression for the first time.

What happened?

Lola: Literally, nothing. He could hardly get out of bed in the morning, let alone work or talk to me. We were pretty serious at this point, so I’d started staying over at his place a couple of weeks at a time. Omo, I had to move back to my father’s house at a point o.

Dennis: I was ashamed for her to see me like that. So her leaving was better for me in a way. 

We were so happy together that year that I was sure I wouldn’t be depressed for a long time, but I guess my mental health didn’t respect my actual emotions.

How did this affect your relationship?

Dennis: She stopped taking my calls for some weeks and when she did, she’d ask me if I was feeling better and that was it. I respected her need for space.

Lola: I was confused. I knew what I saw — the inactivity, the lack of concern or emotion — was the depression. But it also made me a bit insecure. What if it was me? What if he was tired of having me around and couldn’t say it?

Dennis: Around November, I went to her place and we talked about it. I told her what my therapist told me about managing my important relationships, how I wanted to do everything within me to make us work.

Lola, I’m curious about how you processed this

Lola: I had to start therapy myself and that helped me personally. It pushed me to ask myself questions and to put myself and my health first before thinking about my feelings for him. 2022 was great for us. It was a lot healthier because I understood him and I understood myself better.

In 2023, we had to take breaks twice. But 2023 was also shege year, so I’m not so worried about it.

Have you guys thought about what the future might look like?

Dennis: A lot. And there’s a lot of uncertainty. But I know I love her, and I’d be lucky to have her with me forever. 

Lola: It’s crazy that we talk about having kids more than we talk about a wedding, but I guess it’s because neither of us is very traditional.

Do you want to have kids?

Lola: Yes, definitely.

Then there’s my mum — who loves him like the son she never had, by the way — who’s always asking when he’ll “do the right thing”. Of course, she doesn’t know about the depression. Until we figure that out, we’re not in a hurry.

Dennis: Sometime in 2023, we started taking joint therapy, and that has helped a whole lot.

Lola: Honestly, I’d recommend it even to couples who feel confident about both their mental health and their relationship.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Lola: Hmm. 7? 7.5? We’ve been so intentional with making things work. But I get afraid sometimes.

Dennis: 7.5. I feel lucky to have her.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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