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Does love conquer all? Even height differences? Well, the scientists and love gurus at Zikoko created this quiz to determine the height of your future spouse.
Take the quiz:
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0 or 100% marriage material? Take the quiz.
What is your view on dating? Do you think you should date with the intention to marry or just go with the flow? Well, this quiz knows how many serious relationships you have left in you.
Take it below:
Everyone knows someone who has been cheated on or someone who cheated. It’s almost the theme of many adult conversations. Let he who is without cheat or almost cheat cast a stone.
7 people shared how they found out that their partner was cheating on them.
I didn’t catch her. I just saw that someone else proposed to her and she said “yes.” I wan mad. The worst part was that my guys consoled me for only two days before they turned it to banter. Smh.
Her tab got spoilt so she gave it to me for repairs. I had to confirm that it was working after fixing it. So, I unlocked it to confirm. We had been dating for six years and we had a no “checking of phone” policy. I was curious so I went through her messages. The first thing I saw was “bring 4 condoms, I don’t want a repeat of the last time.” Bro, my heart cut. This is someone that said our relationship should be celibate. And for good six years, we only kissed. I felt taken on a ride.
It was his birthday party and he told me to stay in the room. He said that his friends were checking me out too much and he didn’t like that. So, I had to stay out of sight. So, here I was in the room feeling flattered that I made my boyfriend jealous. That’s how some babe stormed into the room and started insulting me. Asking me to leave her boyfriend alone. That I am a husband snatcher. Gold digger. I was so confused.
It turns out that my “boyfriend” told her that I was a crazy stalker that wouldn’t leave him alone. And all his friends who I thought were my guys were in on the lie. Someone told her that I was at the party, so she came to tell me to leave her man alone.
After hearing that, I just packed my bag and left with the little dignity I had remaining. I cried from the party to my hostel.
I beat my “guy” at FIFA and I was trolling him. Just light banter. That’s how he said that he is sleeping with my girlfriend and that’s the only win that really matters. I told him to take it back because I was ready to rush him.
Baba showed me sexts and I became calm immediately. Something actually died in me that day.
When I look back, he really won. I paid too much of a price for winning a stupid game.
She “mistakenly” sent me photos of them kissing. She now said, “oops, I guess the cat is out of the bag.” I blocked her life.
He told her I was his best friend. He told me she was his best friend. All of us worked in the same office and we even hung out together. We sha broke up because of religion. The babe and I still kept in touch because she’s really cool. We eventually became close friends.
One day, the babe texted me that she’s sorry blah blah, and started to confess. I was like huh? And she was like that she knew we were dating but still indulged him and whatnot. She said that since we had become good friends, it was only fair that she told me. Her conscience could not take it. I actually wished she had died of guilty conscience instead of telling me.
I called the boy to confront him and he said: “Did I catch him?” I was just weak.
I was staying at his place for the weekend. I went to the store inside the compound to get provisions. I got talking with the shop owner. I told her I was spending the weekend with my boyfriend and she asked me to describe him. I did. She then blurted “Hmmm, the aunty wey him dey call him girlfriend yellow pass you.” I assured her that she was mistaken and thanked her.
A few weeks later, I surprised my boyfriend at home. Na so I jam Aunty yellow feeling all cozy on his legs. I felt so stupid. I just left quietly because surprise backfired on me.
The store owner kept giving me I told you so eye as I was leaving. Very annoying woman.
Apparently there is a method to Nigerian relationships. We noticed it like we notice everything and we made a list to share this discovery with you.
Meet the 5 major stages of Nigerian relationships;
This is when you both just started dating and you still can’t get enough of each other. You talk all day and video call all night while still texting each other in between. You spend 2 hours apart and it’s all “I missed you” when you see again (*insert eye roll plix*). This is basically the time and part where you just annoy everybody.
Then comes the cute social media update. You finally found love and you must let your virtual friends and followers know because why? Because pepperdem! Plus in the guide to being a millennial a social media announcement is an important relationship level to unlock. Plus you also want to let your ex know you’ve moved on- pepperdem.
And then comes the first big fight. And sometimes an ex even makes a cameo appearance to make things more complicated. The opening statement is usually “Who is she?”. This is also usually when the first red flag comes up but the bliss of the honeymoon phase will not let you see road. If you look well enough (as you should be doing) you would see that this fight tells you a lot about your partner too. Like where are all these insults coming from? I thought you said I was perfect.
At this point romance gives way to reality. Shit gets real and the reality of the heavy weight commitment that a relationship demands comes into play. For some people the weight becomes too much and they cave in to it. Thus bringing an abrupt end to the forever they promised each other.
This is when the relationship survives all the initial gragra and grows into something you are both now comfortable and happy with. When it becomes less about the sex and more about the time you spend with each other. And even more importantly- you both now know each other. This is where the real relationship starts.
Do you think we skipped a stage? Drop it in the comment section.
Meanwhile, if you want to know why you are still single this ingenious quiz will tell you why. You’re welcome.
While we are sorry that the relationship ended and left you with a broken heart, we are also interested in seeing you move on and glow sis. If you can relate to the signs you are not over your ex yet on this list then you need to put more effort into moving on. You’re allowed to mourn the end of a relationship but you shouldn’t put your life and happiness on hold because of it girl.
If you’re still significantly contributing to the profile views on his social media accounts then there’s a problem. You my dear, are slowly becoming the stalker ex girlfriend the movies talk about. And you need to stop before the embarrassing plot twist comes. For your own good.
And it keeps getting awkward. You need to stop bumping into him too girl. At this point he can probably already tell that it is no longer coincidence.
…or even outrightly texting him. Both of which are unhealthy choices if you really want to move on with your life.
Because you have made him the bar. But he is not be the bar. You determine what or who the bar is. You need to take control of the narrative.
And not in a good way. But rather in that deep melancholic my-life-is-in-ruins without him kind of way.
You keep talking about him to anyone who cares to listen. So much that even friends who don’t really know him can write a full essay on him complete with an accurate picture of his personality.
Even when she didn’t do anything to instigate it. You keep beefing his new girl for no reason other than that she replaced you. But she is not the problem dear, she is living her best life. The problem is that you somehow think she stole the key to yours. But she didn’t.
While you are here would love some feedback on our “What She Said” series. Please be a darling and drop it HERE.
There’s a lot of mystery surrounding why women cheat in relationships. To help broaden humanity’s scope of knowledge we decided to conduct a study using the most logical tool of all time- by simple asking the subjects.
And here’s what 7 women told us about why they cheated.
I just wanted something different. I was already dating my current boyfriend for a while and but we slipped into a routine that was beginning to bore me. I just wanted a different kind of sex I guess, and attention.
I’m not proud of it. But I did it to get back at my boyfriend because he was cheating too. And the sex turned out to be so good I couldn’t stop.
I just wanted to, probably me being adventurous. But it did not end in praise sha.
I cheat all the time because I stopped investing all my emotions in one person. It always ends in heartbreak, so why not catch fun.
I wanted to be spoiled. My boyfriend at the time knew nothing about making a women feel special. But I loved him because he was smart and ambitious. Although sometimes it felt like he was numb to my emotions. Then I met someone else who was willing to give me the baby girl treatment. Of course I was not going to deny myself the pleasure.
Distance was taking a toll on me so I just found myself doing it. But i stopped before it ruined my relationship. Besides, long distance relationships are too stressful. And it hits harder if the relationship did not start as one.
Hi there, we need your review of our What She Said column. Be a darling and drop it here please.
“Why are you single” seems to be the new million dollar question for busy bodies and lifestyle detectives in Nigeria. Because silly questions deserve equally silly answers we’ve coined 5 bomb responses you can easily reach for the next time anybody asks you.
Yasssss, there’s a geng named “too fab for commitment” and I hold chair lady position so go figure.
Jesus is the only man I need. And I hope you know he sacrificed his life for me so our bond is pretty tight.
This is for the people in relationships who keep badgering you about your single status. This response will put an end to their badgering and most likely your friendship with them too. Which would probably be a good deal.
People be acting like staying single is a known way to break the law. Well i’m single so sue me.
For the nosy people who have a trouble with minding their own business.
Since silly questions are now the order of the day.
While you’re still here we need you feedback on our “What she said” pieces. We know you love them and we would love a review from you. Click here.
Granted, dating is the most complicated adult game invented. Yes, there’s chess and 3D chess but trust me when it comes to unnecessarily confounding technicalities, plot twists and plot turns dating easily takes the lead.
Owing to this fact naturally people would seek dating advice from supposed experts and rule books. We understand that, but we also need you to know that as you take in advice there are 4 sources you should not consider.
Romantic novels are for teenagers who want to get unsupervised insight into adult romance. Not adults who need guidance on building a relationship. When you become an adult you realize that they are a scam. Every male protagonist is the same man with a different name and hair color. And the female protagonists are all the same with different hair and eye colors. So predictable.
The world is moving on and becoming more progressive but Nollywood is still consistently and diligently dishes out story lines steeped in archaic gender profiles. If you’re going to date in 2020, you need references from a source whose source is not the 1800’s.
Hollywood might be more socially advanced, but they are too dramatic. Love at first sight, one soulmate per person and the relationship arch where they almost break up but one last dramatic gesture saves the day only belong in movies. Best believe; real life hits differently, taking dating advice from hollywood would be a recipe for disaster.
Hollywood might be dramatic but you see Zeeworld? The dictionary won’t tell you but they are the reason the word “dramatic” was coined. The overstating of the obvious, the needless slow motion breaks and the ridiculous story lines should be enough of a warning.
While you are here we would like you to know what you think of our “What She Said Series“. Be nice and drop your review here.
PS: If you are here because you are about to dump somebody’s child and you need opening remarks please step aside. This is a well deserved pity party for those of us who have been hurt for the most unreasonable reasons. Here’s a list of the 9 most annoying break up lines.
Since when did you become so selfless? Are you trying to outdo Jesus? Is that it? You want to outdo Jesus?
But when did it become a competition? And even if it is a competition, when and how did you win?
I have a job too and i am still in the relationship. And till date there’s no proof that I have 2 heads.
Give me the measurements. 10 millimeters? 20 centimeters? Talk to me.
Mmm….But I never said you were a rope.
But we have been doing things brothers and sisters don’t do.
Please clarify; do you mean lunch break, break dance or breaking bad?
Lies! Word on the street is that when people say this, the love they speak of is most likely non existent. But they can’t tell you that to your face so they say the opposite instead.
But I thought the relationship was between me and you. Another question please; why didn’t you ask them before chyking me?
That’s 9 of the most annoying breakup lines and ironically they are also the most used. It’s like every year a secret convention is held for people that want to break up. And then these lines are released to them in a brochure. Has any of them been used on you and have you yourself used any on someone else? You can tell us, we won’t judge.
And when you’re done you can click here to find out if you are an annoying person too. You’re welcome.
Breakups are hard. They are even harder when they don’t end on your terms, leaving you teeming with dozens of unanswered questions. Weeks, months and years have passed since these 8 women went through their most painful breakups.
Even though they’ve mostly moved on, they still have unanswered questions that haunt them. And I tried to give them some answers.
He didn’t go the usual ‘it’s not you, it’s me route’. He said it was me, that I was the reason he was ending thing. But he never said what it was about me that led to the breakup. Just gave me a vague “There’s just something about you, I can’t place my finger on it, but I can’t deal anymore.” I’m in another very happy relationship now, but sometimes I think, “What about me was the problem?”
Seyi, 25
This one is easy. He was the problem.
We dated for a little over a year. He just woke up one morning and said that I was overexposed. He mentioned a couple of other things. Like how I wasn’t traditional enough and didn’t respect the age difference between us (3 years). My only regret is the whole year I wasted with him, but I still wonder what the hell overexposed really means.
Nneka, 27
It means he was looking for the kind of girlfriend that will call him sir and help him wear his socks in the morning.
He just ghosted. We had been dating for a couple of weeks. The next thing I knew, he had blocked my number. It was like film. I wasn’t even that emotionally invested, but it pained me ehn. It has been like a year, and I still haven’t heard from him. If I see him now, I’ll ask, “Oga you had wife abi?”
Seun, 24
He probably did.
He said he wanted to focus on himself and I was distracting him from achieving his true potential. I’ve gotten promoted twice since we broke up and I know he’s still at the same position at the same job. I just want to ask if he’s achieving the goals he wanted to achieve.
Halima, 28
Eish!
Just “Why?” We were good, or at least I thought we were good. So I was completely blindsided when he said he was unhappy. Maybe I was too self-absorbed to notice that he was unhappy, but I don’t think so. It still hurts. A lot.
Onyinyechi, 27
It gets better. It really does.
And that’s for everyone I’ve ever dated. It’s like I’m cursed or something because I’ve only ever dated people who don’t have sense. I caught the last one cheating, and it didn’t even surprise me because he had been moving mad from the beginning of the relationship.
Adedoyin, 25
We all wish we knew the answer to this one sis.
He said he just didn’t love me anymore. Which was a little inconvenient because, well, I still loved him. I know people fall out of love, I’m not ten years old. But how?
Sonia,23
🙁
My ex left me for my best friend. Cliche I know. But I had dated him for like two months, and I was best friends with her for seven years. I’m not even concerned with what his reasons were. I just want to know what exactly he could have told her to make her free a seven-year friendship.
Susan, 25
Lies, lies and more lies
For a lot of people, meeting the right person and settling down is the ultimate dream. But what happens when you meet someone who checks all your boxes but has one red flag (anyhow behaviour) you just can’t ignore? The 4 people I spoke to today know what that’s like.
Dennis, 27
“She was tribalistic. Not even the hilarious type of tribalistic where one says insane stuff like ‘Igbos eat people’. She was so prejudiced against other tribes that if we existed in 1940s Germany, I’m fucking sure she would’ve bought into Hitler’s propaganda against the Jews and signed up to torture people at Auschwitz. The straw that broke the camel’s back? I am Igbo and she’s Yoruba. So I’d do something wrong and instead of correcting me or something, she’d be like, ‘Typical Igbo people behaviour yen yen yen!’ Best decision I’ve ever made.”
Maryam, 24
“He was so jealous and possessive that it bordered on abusive. He wanted to know where I was at all times, who I was with and if they were members of the opposite sex, etc. What made me sure about ending things? The fact that I watched my dad do the same thing to my mum all throughout my childhood. While he never actually raised his hand to hit me, I knew, based on my mother’s experience, that it would eventually get there. I had to run.”
Nnamdi, 29
“She was wildly homophobic and would say very ugly things about my brother, who is gay. I’ve met homophobic people in my life but she was so bizarre. We would be watching a tv show featuring a gay character and apropos of nothing, she’d just go, ‘When we have kids, we can’t let that your gay brother near our kids oh. Before he infects them.’ I love my brother. After our parents died, he practically raised me. So I wasn’t going to allow some ignorant woman to destroy our relationship. I gave her the boot.”
Ronke, 34
“He used to mock me because of my age. He would say shit like ‘It’s because I pitied you and asked you out. I could’ve been with one hot 20-year-old now oh.’ This is insane because I was 33 and he was 37 at the time, which in itself, is a whole other red flag on its own. When I would complain that the things he said hurt my feelings, he would get angry and demand that I stop being dramatic because he was only ‘joking.’ When I couldn’t take it anymore, I told him to go find those hot 20-year-olds and I left.”
Before you leave, take this quiz to see how red your flag is.
Intentionally or not, the probability that your mere existence has ruined a few solid relationships is quite high. So, we created a quiz that can guess how much of a homewrecker you’ve been in your lifetime.
Take to find out
No matter how many boxes someone ticks, we all have one relationship dealbreaker that outweighs all their positive attributes. So, we created a quiz that knows exactly what yours is, and it could be anything from terrible sex to anger issues.
Take it to find out:
From all the congratulations we have had to say in recent times, it’s obvious that many of us are getting married soon. In anticipation of all the adulting in front of us, one of the major issues we are going to face is the issue of genotype. These conversations can be awkward, so we decided to take all that awkwardness out of the way for you.
We asked a couple of people how they would raise the conversation about genotype. Here are some of the responses:
“You must have malaria ooo. You will then add that I don’t know why I am having this malaria again but they said AC/AA/AS don’t always come down with malaria. This is like the third time this year and it has not happened before. The person will be forced to say their genotype in defense.”
“Baby, do you have your blood group on your ID card? What if you are in an accident and you need a transfusion? Do you even know your genotype?“
“I have to ask on the first date so I know whether the relationship is going to be as invested as mutual funds or we are doing Detty December.”
“I am AA, I don’t ask because let’s be honest, I don’t plan on building a future with you.”
“What do you do for fun? Me, I enjoy long romantic walks to the lab to get tested.”
“There is no point sugarcoating it. I am just going to ask you plainly on the first interaction. You come up to me and say you like me, I respond with what’s your genotype?”
Which method do you prefer the most? Tell us why in the comment section.
Most people go through life unaware of the effect they have on others. While it might come as a shock to you, there are very likely a bunch of people that would risk it all for just a bit of your love. So, we created this quiz to let you know just how many they are.
Take to find out:
Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.
Back to being a regular platoon person. Back to going to the parade ground which, to be honest, I am now starting to enjoy. I am supposed to be at OBS by 4 AM for broadcast, but a local man cannot can. I wake up by 4:19 AM and I realise that with this OBS thing, some battles have to be left for the Lord to fight, so I return to my bed until people begin to move about, waking me from my sleep.
Today’s meditation is handled by Platoon three. They speak on loyalty. Nigeria wakes up. Our platoon leader takes roll call. As soon as he calls my name, I sneak out of the parade ground.
It’s my 9th day on this camp. It is the first time I will be on air as a newscaster.
News casting goes well. I was slated for headline review. K. and I reviewed headlines from Punch, The Guardian, The Sun, The Nation. When it’s over, the head of the news department hugs us. She is excited. I go on to grab breakfast.
Breakfast is yam and stew. The yam is like a pestle, something you can hurl at someone if you intend to kill them with one blow. Just throw it and boom, they’re dead and gone. Mine is soft, sha. But K.’s is hard, and even though we fry eggs to go along with it, she ends up throwing hers in the bin, half eaten.
SAED lectures begin, my sleeping pill that never fails. But this lecture is interesting, and it is because we talk about money. Corps members’ allowance, incentives, etc. Now this is an interesting thing that people posted to Borno state should note:
There is the option for automatic redeployment when you are posted to Borno state. But if you choose not to redeploy, you get N10,000 as state allowance; you get posted to the capital, Maiduguri; and you get free accommodation. There’s more, I heard, but it looks like they are unveiling it slowly. Me, I think it’s a ploy to get us to stay back. The incentives are attractive, but I am thinking of the distance, the fact that I’ll probably see my family just once throughout the service year. And maybe all the opportunities I’ll be missing?
Anyway, there is the opportunity of thinking things through. And if I don’t like/want where I relocate to, all I have to do is not make any move within 21 days, and I’ll be relocated to Borno state. There’s still so much I need to learn about this, and I am certainly waiting. Who knows if I will meet the love of my life in Maiduguri, Borno? Who knows?
We are deep into our SAED skill. I belong to food processing (catering, abeg leave big grammar and packaging) and we are learning how to bake cupcakes. And they’re a beauty, aren’t they? Love of my life, if you’re reading this, look at the skill I’m adding to my husband material CV.
An emergency bugle takes us out of our hostels. We are peeved, to say the least, because this bell is not for lunch, and didn’t they tell us that our practicals end by 2 PM? We leave for the pavilion anyway, and find out that a new guest has just arrived and wants to have a word with us.
I am too tired, and half her words fly over my head. I know she is advising us, telling us to believe we can do it, to remember that nowhere in Nigeria is safe, anyway. I realise that it is a ploy to keep us in Borno. It might not be, but right now, everything about Borno seems to me like a narrative to keep us from leaving, and this is what makes everything suspicious.
I mean, I would like to stay if I want to, but choking me with the “positive images” and and other reasons why I should stay looks like there’s something you’re trying to hide. You don’t see Lagos Camp telling corpers why they should stay in Lagos. Yes, I know, Lagos isn’t portrayed the same way Borno is, whenever it comes to security. I doze off, and when they say lunch is ready, I run to queue for the rice and stew.
Every other thing is the same: siesta which makes me a little disoriented when I wake up; the bugle blowing for the parade at four; the parade, at first stressful and then enjoyable; Nigeria going to bed by 6PM; dinner of egusi and eba; OBS meeting.
In between this, I attend fellowship where they play a video of Borno state and let us that Borno is a lovely place to serve. The video is too video-y: people in a mall, playing ludo in a room, eating from a large pot and looking happy, the governor giving out money. I have questions: What about those who don’t want to live in family house? Certainly, they won’t serve in a church for a whole year; where they get posted to as their primary place of assignments, how much do they earn?
The social night is fun, until Platoon three presents a dance that is so confusing, so mismatched, so prolonged and annoying that people stand up and leave while they are still on stage. Guess what? They keep dancing! The light is switched off, but they keep dancing. As per show must go on, but this show already ended before it even started.
Tonight, Platoon 3 will be roasted for dinner. And I’m here for it.
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
This week, it’s the first couple ever – they’ve been dating for about a year, and they’ll be letting us peek into their lives. They’re both 28 and currently earn ₦400k – cute coincidences.
Them: Litttt!
Her: Let’s go!
Him: Oya oya.
Her: I think I was about 10. My father was the richest in the family. He was put on a kind of pedestal because of this. He wasn’t the firstborn or anything, but because he had money –
Her: Exactly.
Him: Mine didn’t start at home. I think mine was in noticing the differences between our family’s lifestyle and my friends in school. On holidays spent with my cousins, it seemed like they had everything! Why would a parent just take their kids to Mr Bigg’s randomly? Mr Bigg’s was an event in my own family. Is it your birthday?
Him: My cousins were staying in duplexes, while we were living in a block of flats. They had their own bicycles and actual balls, instead of the usual roll-on balls that I played with.
Him: That’s when I started looking at it like hmmm, something is not balancing here.
Them: Nope.
Her: I’m just finding this out.
Him: I mean, I knew your father was rich, but I dunno how you turned out this way.
Them: Hahaha.
Her: We thought the money was going to be there forever.
Her: My dad retired. When you retire from the civil service as a senior, you get a huge sum of money. I can’t say how much he got, but you start to get a sense when you think of the things he spent it on.
Her: 60. He decided to start a business, so he opened a cold room, bought himself a car, bought another one for my mum. An extended family member got ₦5 million, another got like ₦3 million – he was just distributing the money. He thought that money would come in from the cold room business.
Her: Meanwhile, I still had like 2 younger siblings in school. He didn’t think about that – this was 2015.
Her: It was when my sister needed to go back to school, and there was no money to pay her fees. Things were already bad because he used to borrow money to restock. But this was when I knew “there’s no money in this house o. Everybody figure your shit out.” Then one day, he closed the cold room.
Them: Hahaha. Wow.
Him: Next time your dad vexes you, say, “That’s how you went from cold cash, to cold room, to cold turkey!”
Her: Hahaha. You’re so rude.
Him: What happened in my case was a little different. I was still able to go to school. In fact, there was a time I used to go on the school bus. At this point, I didn’t know my mum was the one giving my dad rent. Unfortunately, my dad chopped the rent this particular year, hahaha.
Her: Hahaha. Chisos.
Him: The landlord evicted us. My mum didn’t have the money to get another place, obviously. We had to split up. She and my younger sibling had to go live with a pastor. Then I was living with her relatives, hopping from family to family.
Him: I went from “mummy I want to buy sweet” to an aunty saying, “oya stay in that shop and sell.” You learn very quickly after all this, that money is the key.
Him: He was all over the place o. My dad used to be much more stable. He reached a senior role in a financial institution – a good paying job for a man his age at the time. A true high flyer. But he was also really ambitious. So he resigned. He believed that there were even bigger opportunities for him in other places.
Him: The mistake he made was that he didn’t secure a job before leaving his current job. All of that was made worse by the instability of the early 90s, so getting a job was so difficult. By the time the job openings started popping up again, he started to get the “you’re too old for this role” feedback.
Him: He was 34 in 1992, and it was at that point my mum took over family responsibilities. She paid the rent, put food on the table, etc. He sold his car. My mum says that his jaiye-jaiye lifestyle made everything worse. There was no stability in all those years, and he was mostly absent. So by the time we were evicted in 1998, he was nowhere to be found.
Him: Yeah. That baton first touched my hand in university, when she couldn’t pay fees. My mum actually paid the first semester fees. But the second semester was a struggle. So we split it.
Him: She’s a civil servant. The money wasn’t a lot, but civil servants always tend to have cooperatives or colleagues they can borrow from. It got to a point that she started getting bank loans, loans she’s still paying back till this day. These loans were supposed to help pay our school fees and deal with other responsibilities.
She opened a shop, even opened a second. But she’s not exactly great at business, so those didn’t work out.
But what changed the game for her was getting a degree – she entered the civil service with a secondary school certificate. But that degree changed a lot for her and for us because she got promoted.
Him: Back to the second semester, before the promotion. I started selling stuff in school and helping people sell stuff, anything to make some money. It got to a point where we had to start splitting my school fees.
Him: Nowhere. It’s like all the men in that their generation were just missing.
Her: Oh, my dad was different!
Him: Was he there?
Her: Yes, he was. The nature of his job saw him get transferred from place to place, but he was always committed to family.
Her: No. That’d be like talking to a wall. He made so many bad calls. In fact, he literally just showed up without telling anyone previously, “I’ve bought land and built this cold room”.
Anyway, I’m not the oldest sibling, but I started working first. My first salary was ₦45k in 2015, so when my salary entered, my mum would ask that I chip in. After about three months, I just chipped in without her asking. It just felt like the right thing to do.
Her: Oh, I was Gucci, hahaha. This was about a year ago. I was earning 150k
Him: Omo, I wasn’t Gucci o, but I was earning 200k.
Him: I’d taken a loan to rent an apartment- the apartment cost ₦450k. Then I took another loan to buy a computer. That set me back ₦90k every month. Both loans almost totalled ₦800k.
Him: Then there was the black tax part – ₦25k was the non-negotiable black tax, but a lot of the time, it was more. The only reason it wasn’t more than 25k was that I simply couldn’t afford it because of the loan.
Her: My own black tax was ₦45k a year ago. I’m giving the entire family money – dad, mum and two younger siblings. Currently, that tax has climbed to ₦60k. It climbed as my income as climbed.
Her: ₦100k.
Him: ₦140k. I was earning ₦80k, and my mum had fallen sick. So I poured all my savings into that.
Her: Abeg na hahaha.
Him: For me, I got to a point in my life where I just wanted to take things seriously. It started in the DMs then went to Whatsapp, then next thing you know, we’re going on a first date. On that first date, my account wept.
At the time, I’d just paid for my house, and here I was, paying for a date. It was mad. A leap of faith.
Him: ₦11k – I still have the receipt. Thank God it worked out because that’s the riskiest ₦11k I’ve ever spent. I’m going to laminate that bloody receipt. Interestingly, most of our dates after tended to be cheaper. Did we even go to a restaurant after that period? Not for a while, at least till we started the new budget thing. So concerts, drinks and all that.
Him: Yes o. No relationship without money. I was asking her yesterday about what she’d change about our relationship, and she said more money.
Her: Hahaha.
Him: Now we keep ₦20k aside every month for date night – ₦10k from each of us.
Her: That’s just date night because there’s other stuff like Friday wine or food.
Him: Date night is its own thing – a restaurant, phones turned off, just the two of us.
The thing with money is, a lot of the time, you can do anything with the money you have. You just have to want it enough. We realised that we weren’t keeping that money aside, we weren’t doing it. But keeping it aside meant we had to do it.
Her: A lot now, household stuff. I mean, I still have my house, I’m just at his a lot more.
Him: It could have been her house, but she stays with people.
Them: We’re both currently at ₦400k.
Him: Both.
Her: Separately when there are personal obligations, like family. And together with most of the rest of our money.
Her: Outside of this country for starters hahaha. We’re probably working remotely, earning more, living in a two-bedroom apartment, raising one kid –
Him: Definitely one kid.
Recommended Reading: Lagos to Amsterdam – Fifi’s #AbroadLife
Him: If you mean active as in, putting the money aside for that, nope.
Her: There’s a framework though.
Him: What just needs to align is the finances to make that happen. We’ve only just reached a place of stability, income-wise, that we can begin to think beyond our family obligations.
Her: Oh yes!
Him: She’s my glucose guardian. Most of the time, we can already tell at the beginning of the month, we can almost always tell who’ll be broke first. So subconsciously know who’s going to be supporting who before the end of the month.
Him: A phone, I swear. It’s not like I can’t afford it, but –
Her: He wants a Pixel 3a and the iPhone X.
Him: I’ll probably just buy the Pixel 3a, because it’s cheaper.
Her: I just want a holiday, a vacation. Like to Dubai.
Her: I think I could get better at not living my life like the weight of the entire family has to rest on my shoulders. I wish I could be a little more selfish.
Him: Erm, for me –
Her: Better say saving! Because you can’t save for shit.
Him: I think it’s saving, and then investing the savings. I’m just glad that the loan is now about to be over.
To be honest, she’s the financial manager of this relationship.
Her: I bought a bottle of water for ₦1k.
Him: Hahaha, you actually bought two. I still can’t believe you did that shit. Something I think I really regret is that all my salary negotiations earlier used to be nonsense. For two years, I earned 80k, despite the fact that people employed after me were earning more.
Him: I constantly worry about this, but I also think that my dad’s outcome is motivation for me – it’s a lot of what I shouldn’t be. I’m constantly thinking of how to make sure, at every point, that we’re financially secure.
My mum’s experience with loans is why I spent so much time researching options when I took my loan. My mum’s own experience was different because those banks will just come to the offices, make promises, and they end up brutal.
Her: I just generally think that their generation was different. So if my partner retires and gets a lump sum, we’re going to sit down and plan that money. But my dad was ‘the man’, so he could do whatever he wanted.
Him: My mum has this belief: “if you have money, spend it” and I used to hold that view before. But that’s changed. I now try to curb my spending urges.
Him: I always wonder how people think about their happiness levels. I feel like people have different exposures to the Nigerian element. So in the broader context of Nigeria today, I feel like a solid 7. I’m doing okay.
Her: Not bad at all. I feel the same way too.
Them: Yes oh.
Him: when I saw how much money was in my mum’s pension account, I started taking mine seriously. Last year, it was about 14-point-something million naira, and she’s done 20-something years in service.
Her: Senior civil servants actually get serious money when they retire.
Her: Perhaps, what I want to do with my life? I worry about the next point in my career. I just know I want to retire when I’m 45, and by retire I mean become a lecturer.
Him: I think you should have asked about how I view my economic status in the Nigerian context.
Him: I realised that only a tiny fraction of people actually earn more than 80k. I don’t think you can be financially satisfied if you can’t see the through-line between what you’re responsible for, and what you’re not responsible for.
You can’t control the economy, for example, but you can control your investments and your salary negotiations perhaps. In that context, I’m doing great. Maybe if I change my salary to dollars, I can start weeping.
Him: I think a question everyone should ask themselves – and I’m throwing this to everyone reading this – how do you think of your economic standing in the broader Nigerian context?
This conversation has been condensed and edited for clarity.
This week I talk to a woman whose unfaithfulness ended her three-year relationship. She talks about why she did, her regrets and lessons learned.
A little over three years. Three good years. Even at the very end, there was no bitterness, just sadness.
We were really close friends. I’ve known him since secondary school. He had just gotten out of a nasty relationship, I was in a ‘fuck all men’ phase. And we just started leaning on each other more. Eventually, we decided to explore the romantic angle of our ‘friendship’. So no sparks flew or anything, it was just a natural progression.
Oh man. It was great you know. Like really good. I don’t know if we ever had a honeymoon phase because of the way our relationship started but it was nice. The first year, we were inseparable. We were that annoying couple that turned up everywhere together even though it was only one person who was invited. Then towards the end of the second year, he had to travel for his master’s. But we wanted to be together so we tried the long distance thing.
It was incredibly hard. A whole lot harder than I thought it’d be. How do you go from seeing someone every day to not at all? Our lives had become so surprisingly intertwined. I’d find myself doing activities we’d usually do together alone and it made me really sad. Even though we talked every day it felt like I had lost him.
He seemed good. Or maybe he was just focused on cheering me up because no day would pass without me whining about how much I wanted him to come back. They were more than a couple of teary FaceTime calls, with all the tears from me. But he seemed genuinely good, happy sef.
Does it count as multiple times if it’s with the same person? It was with a mutual friend, who was more my friend than his. It didn’t happen all at once. There was an accidental kiss when he dropped me at home once. Another one when he had just moved apartments and I went to check out his place. That one somehow ended with both of us in bed.
No. No it wasn’t. I first formed, ‘this is a huge mistake’ ‘we should never do this again’ ‘I can’t believe I did this’, the usual. Well I guess it wasn’t forming because those were truly the feelings I was experiencing. But we moved in the same small circle and I saw him all the time. It just felt like what’s the point you know. It’s the same person, one time or multiple times doesn’t change the fact that it happened.
How else do these things happen, by being short-sighted and foolish? It’s funny how this was like two or three months before Daye* was supposed to come back. Apart from one December visit we had done the long distance thing for eleven months.
The first couple of weeks I felt nothing but excitement. It was new it was illicit, I really felt like a bad bitch juggling two ‘relationships’.
It would bubble up now and then. But it was so easy to push it back down. I didn’t even try to justify it, anytime I started to think about the fact that what I was doing was wrong, I just shut those feelings out. When I was talking with Daye I was a completely different person. I was the doting, loving girlfriend and I just didn’t think of Femi*. And when I was with Femi I was this free-spirited person having fun, I wasn’t in a relationship or cheating, I was just you know, chilling. Of course one of us being a whole continent away helped.
Yeah, he did. He was my ‘confidant’ at first. I was talking to him about all my fears about my relationship not surviving the long distance thing. Ironically, we also talked about me being afraid Daye will end up cheating on me. Lol. One or two phone calls a week became every day phone calls. We worked in the same area so we’d jam after work. And well na from clap dance they start.
About two months. Up until Daye came back.
I told him. It’s a whole lot easier to lie to someone over the phone than to their face. I had actually stopped seeing Femi about two weeks before he came back. Completely cut off contact with him even blocked his number. But when Daye came back he kept on going on and on about how something with me was off. In my head, I was just like ‘shit shit shit he knows’. I confessed in a week.
Jesus. He was devastated. The person he had dated before me also cheated and in the messiest way too. When we started dating, we’d talk about how we knew each other too well to be blindsided by that sort of thing. He didn’t break things off immediately. I begged for a second chance and he agreed. Lol, this was crying and rolling on the floor kind of begging. I think he just took pity on me. And it just really says a lot about the kind of person he is. Through his own hurt and anger, he was still thinking about me. Man, I fucked up. Anyway, we limped through another month and a half of the relationship. But it just wasn’t working. He didn’t trust me, I think a little part of him had even started to resent me. So he broke it off again so we could at least save our friendship. Which is funny because we don’t talk anymore.
I can’t say I didn’t mean to. I knew exactly was I was doing. I was lonely. I was just really lonely and craving physical attention. I was young and stupid too.
Lol, asides fucking doing it? Not ending the relationship when he travelled. I mean we were friends before we started dating. I just think if we had put a pause on it or something then we might have ended up back together. Now it’ll never happen. I don’t think he could ever trust me again and I don’t blame him.
*names have been changed.
‘What She Said’ is a weekly column, featuring women talking candidly about everything from money to sex. This week we talk to a woman who had a penchant for dating older men, about what that experience was like.
See I don’t even know. I don’t know why people feel the need to give these labels. I had a pretty interesting dating life. And most men I dated were in positions where they felt a need to take care of me. Apparently, that makes me a sugar baby. But I don’t care about these labels.
I dated this man for about two months. He was in his late forties. I was 21. He was one of the very first older guys I ever dated. He wasn’t married at least as far as I knew. We were like proper girlfriend and boyfriend. I met all his friends followed him for social events, everything. I broke things off with him when he started talking about wanting to meet my parents
There was this guy who would see me only once a month, in the same room in the same hotel. Every single month. This went on for a year. He was just always so mysterious. We only talked when he wanted to see and we won’t spend more than a night together until the next month. All we did was cuddle. There was no sex involved, which doesn’t sound exciting. But for me at that point in my life, it was a relief. So I always looked forward to it.
I honest to God tried to avoid them. Any married man I might have dated probably lied to me that he wasn’t married. There were divorced men, widowed men, polygamous men too. Because I mean if you have three wives I don’t see anything wrong in being your girlfriend. There were a couple of men I suspected were married. But if you tell me you are not married, I’ll take your word for it. I’m not going to start forming FBI to find out if you are not.
I never have. Frankly, because Nigerian men don’t give you the time or space to. Walk into a lounge in a fairly tight skirt, face beat, hair laid in 15 minutes max someone will approach you. I guess it’s easy for me to say this because I’m conventionally attractive. I’m pretty tall and that alone has you already turning. I’ve had someone I’ve dated say I look like someone who they should just be spending money on. And I don’t disagree.
Maybe my first car. It was a 2013 Mercedes c300. And I was still in Uni, so obviously people started talking about me having a sugar daddy. They were like her father has money but not like that. And to be fair they were right. There is no way in hell my father would ever buy me a Benz. But they’ve been some holidays that come close. There’s also a Louis Vuitton luggage set I still use till today.
Think about it ke. He didn’t even know about it. I didn’t really try to hide it because I didn’t have to. All of my family is based in Port Harcourt. I came to Lagos for school.
Always always. I dated a man who only ever gave me dollars once. I found it very odd because he was a Nigerian doing business in Nigeria. The most cash gift I ever got at once was from a man I only ever saw three times. The last time I saw him I talked about wanting to start a business as I was in school. He gave me ten thousand dollars in cash. I stopped seeing him after that though, I didn’t like the way he made me feel. Before you ask, yes I had sex with him.
This is anon so I have no problems giving a number, but I honestly don’t know. I could go on one or two dates and never see a man again. I could see another one once every three months. I never dated anyone exclusively. Oh, but I was exclusive with the one who bought my car for the first couple of months. Then I found he was seeing other girls, so I started seeing other people too.
I went on a couple of dates with this man one time. He was so polite and proper. Like British kind of polite with a slight accent sef, but he was Nigerian. Then one weekend we were having light issues in my hostel, so he put my roommate and I in a hotel for the weekend. One night he popped in to say hi and offered to pay my friend and I a ridiculous amount of money to have sex while he watched. I was tempted, my friend was ready but I just don’t move like that.
I was at a party in someone’s penthouse one time. I had a little too much to drink and didn’t know when most people left. Next thing I knew we were about three girls wih six or so men. One of the girls knew one of the men so she went into a room with him. Then it was just two of us. They started getting very handsy and I got up to leave. That’s how it turned into ‘where are you going to’? I got up and one pulled me back down. I realised I was half drunk in a room with like five men. I think the other girl had passed out. I started screaming and shouting no time. I was scared because I knew no one could hear me, but I continued. I started threatening to call the police if they didn’t let me go. So they did. I don’t know what happened to the other girl.
Lol, I’m finally dating men my own age. The highest I’d go now is a ten-year gap. I want to get married and have a kid or two.
Never having to worry about money. Like ever. Bills were always paid for. Up to buying credit on my phone. I never I had to. I was usually on two or three allowances at once. Anything I wanted was a matter of who will get it for me. I could travel where I wanted when I wanted. Now I have a couple of friends who can be generous but I can’t just up and go to the Maldives I have to plan for it.
For what now? I was young and having fun. Most people at that age date around casually. And everyone has their preferences some people like tall, dark skin guys. Some like short, light skin guys. Me, I liked older, richer guys. I didn’t get AIDS or any STIs, nobody poured acid on me. Even now that I want to marry that’s still my spec.
Any man who just says he’s going to move mountains for you won’t. If he’s going to, he’ll just do it, not say it. Anyone who spends more time talking about doing things for you than actually doing them is only wasting your time. I’ve had a man hand me 100k with his business card. That’s the kind of energy I like. We dated for about 6 months.
The gifts. They just didn’t stop coming. It felt nice to just be chilling and randomly get a delivery of flowers or new shoes.
Then there’s my current job. I got it through an old fling. Nothing actually happened when we first met. Just a lot of flirting, I think he was married. Then we jammed again when I was doing NYSC. This time there was no ring on his finger. When I was done with NYSC he asked for my CV, and introduced me to one of his friends who’s a director at my current company. It’s very well paid so I’ll always be grateful
Sold it once I was done with Uni. The maintenance costs didn’t make any sense and I was no longer dating the person who bought it. When I was, he used to handle servicing and any other issues with the car.
For as long as she could remember, getting married and starting a family was this woman’s ultimate goal. And that’s exactly what she did. Getting married at 20 and having a baby at 21. Now, one kid in, her perspective on life and motherhood has changed.
5 glorious years now. And I’ve enjoyed every bit of it.
Honestly, it’s like playing Russian roulette. Which sounds a lot more dire than I mean it to. But you just don’t know what you get out of each day. My husband and I are both spontaneous, so it might be that.
Honestly, we didn’t but we also didn’t plan to stop it which seems ridiculous now. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I was 2 months gone. I had missed my first month’s period but I’m used to my period being sporadic so I didn’t think twice about it.
I was ecstatic o. Like I said we hadn’t exactly planned for it, but we hadn’t planned to stop it. But for as long as I could remember getting married and starting my own family was the ultimate goal. I had excelled in school, graduated with a first class in Economics so a lot of people didn’t expect me to get married so soon after school. I was supposed to start my career and become this big shot career woman you know.
By the end of final year I had been dating my husband for four years. We met in my first year, he was in his final year in Engineering. He got lucky and got a job straight out of Uni, so by the time I was done he was stable. There was just no reason to wait.
The only person who had worse baby fever than me was my husband. He’s still that way. I was still breastfeeding this one when he started talking about baby number 2. I just said Oga calm down. But he was the practical one. First couple of weeks, first several weeks, in fact, my head was still in clouds. I was picking out baby names and shopping for cute baby stuff. He was the one that sorted out prenatal class, bought the baby books arranged the doctor’s appointments etc.
Haha no, not like then. And I bet you knew that already. All of that was the really easy stuff. It didn’t feel like that at the time, but preparing for the baby is really nothing. It’s even fun sef.
I don’t work. Well, at least not a 9-5. I’m a full-time housewife and I run a very small scale food order service on the side. His job, on the other hand, is, of course, a full-time 9-5 and sometimes he’s required to be offshore for weeks at a time. So I’d say no he’s definitely not as hands-on. He loves his child very deeply and provides for her, but her primary care is left up to just me.
I was one of the really lucky ones. No morning sickness or significant weight gain. I had a lot of food cravings and my feet ballooned but apart from that it was as easy as a pregnancy could get. I hear your first child is your most difficult but I just popped mine right out. My labour time was I think 7 hours in total which is pretty great.
Hmm. Lol actually now that I think about it, the first month was good o. Because that’s when my mother did her omugwo. And she spoiled me rotten. In fact, if I could redo that month I won’t have let her. All I was doing was feeding my baby. She was changing diapers and taking baths for her and picking her up when she cried. I did all of that stuff sometimes during that month, but I didn’t feel pressured to because I knew my mum was there to do it if I didn’t. I was really chilling then and I didn’t even know it. I’ll wake up every morning saying I was stressed. I didn’t know what I was in for once my mother left.
That is when shit got real. I don’t know how we planned it but as my mother left my husband also went offshore like the week after. My mum was supposed to pop in once a week to help but then she got sick. So it was just me and the baby for 7-8 weeks. I never actually went to a doctor to get diagnosed but in those weeks I think I tethered on the edge of postpartum depression. First of all my baby was a crier. Every new mum says this but mine was on another level, I was sleeping maybe three or four hours a day. Then I got a blocked milk duct but I couldn’t stop breastfeeding. The blocked duct meant my baby wasn’t getting enough milk which made her cranky and breastfeeding for me was painful which made me cranky.
She’s 4. So she’s at that age where she can’t help but leave a mess everywhere she goes. I got help when she turned one and I’ve always had help since then. Which is funny because I swore I’d never be that person. I struggled with the guilt of getting help at first. I was a full-time housewife my only job was to raise my kid. I shouldn’t have needed help. Now I’ve come to the realisation that trying to form super mum is foolish. If you can afford it get all the help you need. If it’s 4 nannies you want, get the 4 nannies.
Forming a bond with my child. I also realised a lot of new mums are liars. That thing about forming an instant connection or falling in love with your child the minute you take them in your arms is a lie. And if I had known that before having my baby I’d have saved myself from years of guilt. For a very long time it was just this thing that needed my constant attention and cried all the time and didn’t let me sleep and stopped me from having a life. Then they were the body image issues. Everyone told me how lucky I was not to have gained too much weight and I didn’t but my body just doesn’t look the same. From when I was 15 till when I had my baby my waist line was 25”. It’s 29 now. Which doesn’t seem like a big deal. But I just don’t like what I see in the mirror.
This is hard. Half of the time it might seem like I’m complaining but I really do love being a mother. I don’t of it’s possible to have just one best thing about it. The smallest things about her thrill me. Recently she started saying ‘I love you’ a lot and even if it’s to everybody from me to the gateman, hearing her say it, is the best part of my day.
I’d have waited and planned a roadmap for myself. At 21 I couldn’t see beyond having a husband and a child. That was it for me I didn’t think of anything else. I thought of maybe working after I had three kids but I didn’t make any concrete plans. And after the baby, you are no longer a priority. Whatever plans you want to make have to be made around your baby.
No, I’m ok with just this one. Which is an abomination apparently because ‘what if something happens’. But I think that’s an odd way to look at life. My husband thinks I’ll still change my mind but then he has thought so for four years. I know he’s still hopeful but for now, he seems accepting of my decision and I’m grateful for that.
A year into a serious relationship I decided the most responsible thing to do would be to get on some form of birth control. Because better safe than getting pregnant and having a baby in law school.
“I got back acne and I haven’t seen my period in two years”. That was the first thing my doctor said when talking to me about ‘Implanon’ – one of the contraception options, she was recommending for me. As she ran through my list of options and the potential side effects I became increasingly stressed out.
There was the IUD, which was not hormonal so wouldn’t mess with my hormones but might cause painful periods. There was also a one in a million chance of it coming undone and getting lodged in my uterus. One in a million but still a possibility.
Then there was Implanon which seemed like a dream. Goes in your arm, and you don’t need to give it a second thought for at least 2 years. Only problem, it was a little cost. And a little too permanent for me. I was in a relationship, not married.
The final option was the pill which came least recommended by my doctor. Some women experienced incredible weight gain and adult acne on it. You also had to take it every day at the exact same time. You couldn’t slip up or you could pregnant. But it cost me about 500 – 1000 naira for a three month supply. I could stop whenever I wanted, and nothing was at risk of getting lodged in my uterus. It seemed like the perfect option for me. So I got on the pill.
The relationship ended almost two years after it began, but I’ve stayed on the pill since then. Here are ten things I’ve noticed about the pill, my body and being a sexually active woman in Nigeria in these years.
When picking up my monthly supply from a pharmacy, I noticed that I didn’t get as many judgmental glares or five-minute lectures from pharmacists, as I would when trying to buy emergency birth control. It could just be that I’m older now and my double chin and love-handles place me at an age where the pharmacists expect me to be married or engaged. Or it could be that emergency birth control is culturally seen as an option for promiscuous young women, as opposed to the pill. But it’d be really great if Nigerian pharmacists would allow young women buy whatever kind of birth control they wanted in peace.
I’ve packed on a couple of pounds between last year and this year but I really can’t attribute it to the pill. It’s what you get when you wolf down half a box of pizza at 2 am when you are not 16. I also didn’t put on a single pound in the first year and a half of my relationship with the pill. Even though I now have to pop open the button on my jeans after just drinking a bottle of water. I’ve stayed the same dress size since I got on the pill.
If anything, it cleared up my skin. I used to get a pesky clutter of pimples on my forehead which miraculously went away, the first couple of months after I got on the pill. I got off the pill when I was away from my partner for 2 months in Abuja and they made a vicious come back. Returned to Lagos and got back on the pill, and they cleared right back up.
If you use it perfectly, there’s a 0.03% chance that you’d get pregnant on the pill. That number climbs higher when you are reckless about timing for the pill. Even though I have an alarm set to go off on my phone at 11 am every day and I am surgically attached to my phone, I manage to always take my pill late. Sometimes skipping days altogether.
It’s so bad, some months I get breakthrough bleeding because my ovaries are confused. Are you trying to have a baby or not? Make up your mind already. The good news is, there has been no baby yet. Only one or two scares that had me stay consistent for a week straight before falling off track. Old habits die hard. This is however not an endorsement for recklessness. Most of my nonchalance stems from the fact that I have a condition that’d make getting pregnant a tad more difficult than usual.
The summary of my ramblings is that the pill has been great for me. I could probably be a poster girl for it. I have virtually no side effects and managed to not get pregnant. Will it work great for you? I don’t know. You might get back acne, which is a small price to pay. Or you might put on a shit ton of weight and get really sad which makes it really not worth it.
While I’ve had a great run with the pill, I’m eager to try out a non-hormonal option. What kind of birth control are you on if any? And what has your experience been like? If you’d like to talk about this and the many more fun things that make up being a Nigerian woman, or you just have a story to share with me, I’d love to hear it – toketemu@bigcabal.com.
It’s very hard to make a case against dating apps. Yes, I know there is the occasional unsolicited penis picture you inevitably get. And men who take on sexual harassment as a full-time job. But all of that comes with conventional dating methods too.
The only difference is that with dating apps you get to decide who and who isn’t what your time as you take your morning pee.
While Tinder might be the most popular dating app now There are a slew of options to pick from these days. There’s Bumble that forces the girl to make the first move after you match. And Surulere Love made for Nigerians by Nigerians, that lets you dictate the specifications of your Mr. Right, down to his income bracket.
But like with all types of social media, dating apps have their guidelines. Like how poking a stranger on Facebook is just plain rude. Or how stealing a tweet is almost criminal. For Nigerian women, this is the ultimate guide to using dating apps.
Then he is probably a catfish using some D-list celeb you’ve never heard about’s picture. Just so you don’t let one of the very few good ones you’ll come across pass you by because of scepticism. Use this nifty tool called – Google reverse image search to search for his picture. If it doesn’t match a micro influencer with 8k followers living in Abuja then, by all means, swipe right sis.
In this case it’s always one of two things. It’s either not his picture, and he’s not John Doe who works in Chevron, but Femi living with his parents in Alagbado. Or it’s the one good picture he took 5 years ago, and he looks nothing like that now.
Don’t swipe right if all his pictures are him in a group photo. Odds are that he’ll end up not being who you think he is. You’ll think you are swiping right on his cousin who looks a little like Idris Elba and you guys meet up and you realise he was actually the Segun to the right of Idris Elba who you didn’t look twice at.
Never swipe right on ‘no hookups’. He’s there for hookups, just not paid hookups. He’s going to take you for one dinner date and act very confused then enraged when you decline to follow him back to his place.
Maybe you are still hurting from a bad breakup. Or you just haven’t gotten laid in a really long time. Don’t just swipe right on anybody. 10s will become 7s and 7s will become 4s.
Look out for red flag words in your conversations with him. ‘I don’t even get feminism’ is equal to misogynist. ‘I like nurturing women’ is equal to ‘I’m looking for a woman who’s going to cook and clean for me’. ‘It was both our faults’ when describing how his last relationship ended is equal to he cheated on his girlfriend.
If he has a CV type list of preferences don’t even bother with him. ‘Looking for a God-fearing woman, not taller than 5’ 7″, working class, lover of children and proficient in Microsoft word and excel. You are looking to go on a date, not a job interview. You could agree to a date and he’ll ask you to come along with your references.
If things go well and you end up agreeing to go on a date with him. No matter how much of a nice guy he might seem like always meet somewhere safe and public. Happy hunting!
You fall head over heels, blindly in love. Like the way, Suara loved Toyin Tomato. The girl must be out of your league and you must move heaven and earth to please her. You must also be broke and penniless, because what good love story starts with a man who has money?
Even if you don’t have a kobo to your name. You chase this girl relentlessly. It has been written in the stars that you must end up with this girl. Your pastor has ordained it. The both of you must marry even if you are broke.
After a lot of convincing. Including promises of expensive clothes and luxury cars, you get the girl. And even though you are barely making enough to put a roof over both your heads, she must not work. Either because you as the head of the home has mandated it, or because she’s a ‘slay queen’ who
Nothing prepares you to the levels of poverty you descend into after meeting the girl. You become even broker than before you met her. You are unable to take care of
She starts to whine and complain about the fact that there’s no food and your landlord has been harassing you both for months. You can’t understand what she’s complaining about. The most important thing is that you love her. And even though she can’t afford to eat
After all the love you had to give in words only, she leaves you, for someone wealthier but who is also innately a bad person, just because he’s wealthier than you. They seem to have gotten their happily ever after. You see her living her best life. Driving the flashy cars and wearing the expensive clothes you promised her. But her joy will be short lived and suffering is inevitable because she left you for someone better.
You meet an ‘Uncle’ who suddenly remembers he owes you a favour. He
Former bae’s new lover turns out to be a domestic abuser, cheater and spiritualist. She suffers in unimaginable ways. Even morethan you ever did. And it’s all deserved because she dared to leave you for someone better.
She comes back to beg for your mercy. But it’s too late you’ve met a humble, God-fearing woman, who does whatever you say and is raising your five children while you travel for months on end on ‘business’.
Turning to Google to seek out answers for everything from the meaning of life, to how to frustrate your neighbour into turning off their gen early is pretty standard. Most of the time we get handy practical answers like – ‘life is only what you make of it’ or ‘steal your neighbour’s spark plug.
When it comes to matters of the heart, things get a little more complicated and Google doesn’t always get it right. But when Google fails, you can trust your average Nigerian to come through. We searched through the internet for the most googled questions on love and relationships ever and got Nigerians to give us answers in ways only they could.
Honestly, you don’t. I’ve tried it and the inevitable breakup was much worse than if we had just ended things as he was travelling. I mean if it’s a short term long distance thing I guess it could work. Like maybe one of you travels for masters but intends to come back. Masters is just a year. But if it’s for like work or a first degree, then there’s really no point. Lol, you don’t who has time for that kind of stress?
Jumoke, 26
Is Facebook still a thing? Like, are people still changing relationship status on Facebook? The one I know how to do is Instagram. When you are in a relationship, every second picture you post is you and bae, or of bae or referencing bae. When you notice that someone has suddenly deleted any evidence of the bae from their page, then they are out of a relationship.
Fadekemi, 21
Oh, that’s a deep one. Honesty. Transparency. Not the one that I’ll be asking you who you are out with, and you’ll say friends and you’ll forget to mention that the ‘friends’ is one of your exes. But don’t be too honest. If I tell you I used 15k to do hair, and the hair is not fine you better tell me that I look like a cross between Beyonce and Rihanna with it.
Elizabeth, 25
I don’t think there’s any Nigerian who doesn’t know what a poly relationship is. Well at least polygamous. If you mention polyandry now the average Nigerian will gasp and clutch their pearls. It’s not our culture and other stories. But it’s our culture for men to take on ten wives, two concubines and 8 girlfriends. But let a girl say she’s dating two men not marrying them o, just dating, then its omg the scandal,
Onyinyechi, 28asewo girl. Double standards.
This is vague. What are you saving it from? If your partner has been cheating on you like there’s no tomorrow
Halimah, 22plis dear, forward ever backwards never. Don’t bothersaving anything. See if you get to a point where you think your relationship needs ‘saving’ it’s actually time to cut your losses and move on.
An open relationship is where two people deceive themselves that they can be committed and in love but keep seeing other people. It’s a recipe for disaster. It’s only oyibo people I’ve seen open relationships work for. We actually have our own now that I think about it. But it’s one sided. In which the woman is expected to stay faithful and loyal but the man can do whatever he wants ontop head of the home.
Tolulope, 24
Cry a lot. Pray a lot. Wait it out. There’s honestly no manual to this thing. Because getting over a two-month relationship is different from getting over being left at the altar. It’s honestly just God who can heal. It might take some time, but God heals everything.
Okiemute, 29
Just leave. If someone is treating you badly and making you feel bad about yourself,
Jemima, 32leave them. I feel like its very important to love yourself first. If you truly do love yourself first instead of carryingrelationship on your head, then its easy to leave once someone starts treating you badly. I’m not saying you shouldn’t love fully with all your heart, just love yourself more.
He blocking you across all platforms is a very telling sign. Catching him or her with someone else is another sign.
Funke, 23
Boy meets girls. Boy marries
Tilewa, 26girl . They spend the rest of their lives living happily together and he never cheats. But seriously I actually won’t even know. I have never had one. I’ve only ever dated weres.
Being in a relationship can be a beautiful thing. But much like everything else in this life, it also has its downsides. My goal here is to list and explain all the pros and cons of relationships. So you don’t end up getting stuck in something you didn’t plan for because this is cuffing season and everywhere is cold.
Let’s start with the pros.
If you ever find yourself yearning for a connection with another person? A craving for a relationship where you both love, support, and care for each other deeply? That’s normal, and you’re not alone. Most humans crave emotional bonds and the great comfort they come with. Being in a relationship with the right person, helps you achieve this.
There’s nothing worse than the first stage of getting to know people because then you’re afraid of doing some things or making certain jokes because you’re afraid of scaring them off. In a relationship, all the what-ifs, and awkwardness are all gone and you can both be as silly as you want.
When in a relationship, doing seemingly mundane things becomes memorable just because you’re doing them with the person you love. There’s nothing better than telling a story and having your significant other complete it because you both experienced it together.
The above image perfectly explains this entry.
If you’re the kind of person that likes to “sample different pots of honey” and you thought that being in a relationship would change that but it didn’t, then you’re screwed. You’ll fight the temptation for as long as you can and then cheat, possibly giving your significant other life-long trust issues when they inevitably catch you.
You can no longer do anything you want, whenever you want because you now have to take your significant other’s feelings into consideration. Same goes for your privacy.
Basically, if you never get in a relationship, you can’t get your heart broken. Cunny man die, cunny man bury am.
It’s a well-known fact that when a person gets caught up in a romance, all the other relationships in their life tend to suffer. This is because they start paying more time to their significant other than other people (friends, and sometimes, family).
Parent: Do what I say.
Child: Okay.
Because the child doesn’t want to get thrown out of the house.
But variety, they say, is the spice of life. Sometimes, things need to be shaken up. As a child in a Nigerian home, it is your responsibility to challenge the status quo and keep things exciting by subtly giving your parents the middle finger. Here are a few ways you can do that.
Get one really large tattoo or a lot of small tattoos that cover so much exposed surface area that they know your chances of getting employed are close to zero.
Make it even better by declaring that your passion is something wildly unorthodox (at least by Nigerian standards) or terribly cliche like rapper or porn star.
A classic.
“Because hoe is life, Mother!”
“Something is REALLY wrong with you! YOU BETTER GIVE ME GRANDCHILDREN!!”
Or replace the cooking salt with cocaine and record the hilarious hijinks that’ll ensue after consumption.
“My child is going to hell!”
“So Gbajimiamila is suddenly too hard to pronounce abi? Get out of my house!”
“Because I ain’t raising no babies!
