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One of the sadder facts of life is that cheating happens. It, for the most part, can’t be helped. No one knows exactly just how much cheating happens in relationships and studies into cheating and how much they occur have given varying results. An expert quoted in a Refinery29 article suggests cheating occurs in about 20 to 60 percent of romantic relationships while a published study says it happens in 70 percent of all marriages. While it is hard to place an actual number of how much cheating gets done within monogamous romantic relationships, one thing is certain in just about any and every study or statistics there is about cheating: men cheat more. At least that much we know for a fact.
For today’s story, we spoke to four Nigerian men who not only cheated on their partners but were caught and we asked them what happened next.
Peter, Straight, 28
‘‘My ex-girlfriend’s friends never liked me because they said they had heard stories about me and girls. In all honesty, I wasn’t cheating when they were suspecting me of it. So in a way, they might have caused it, you know how the law of attraction works, yeah? Anyway, I had a side chick a year into the relationship. We — side-chick and I — were spotted by one of her friends in a club when we were in Abuja. Before I could say Jack Robinson, my girlfriend was calling me and asking me where I was and who I was with. I tried ‘explaining’ but when I came back to Lagos there was a big fight oh. Eventually, we made up and I promised to never do it again and I thought things were okay. I said I’ll apologize to her friends and stuff. One day, more than a week later, I came back and she had moved out. That wouldn’t have been too bad but she took everything she ever bought for me including the TV, throw pillows, bedsheets, basically the whole kitchen. Everything. When I asked my neighbor’s househelp, she said my ex-girlfriend and her friends packed everything in their cars and just zoomed out. I wanted to cry, I wish she had left without the stuff she bought.’’
Fred, Straight, Age Undisclosed
‘‘When I cheated, I frankly didn’t mean to hurt her. I genuinely hoped that she would never find out. I slept with a babe I met on Tinder and it was really just sex. When I am off the app, I hide my profile and turn it on only when I am on it. I immediately block anyone that might know me and I don’t use my actual face, just a side view. Unfortunately for me, someone I was chatting with knew her but I didn’t know the girl. Then a few days later — mind you the girl had stopped replying to my texts at this point — my girlfriend asked me why I was still on Tinder. I said I wasn’t. She opened her phone and showed me screenshots that had been sent to her. Then as she was swiping, she showed me screenshots she had taken on my phone – meaning somehow this babe discovered what my password was and opened my phone — and sent it to her phone including very obviously sexual conversations. Long story short, we were yelling at each other. She was accusing me of being a cheat and I was talking about privacy. At some point, she took an actual pestle to hit me. We had to settle it with the police, by the next day I went back to my house and that was it. I finally deleted Tinder.’’
Bolu, Gay, 25
‘‘My ex-boyfriend is considerably well-to-do. He has a great career while I am a struggling creative. He was okay taking care of me and the bills and stuff and I basically lived at his. Then I fucked up really badly. I slept with a not-so-close friend of his. To be honest, more than one. I was young and very stupid. When he eventually found out, to be honest, he was more sad than angry. He felt like his insecurities were validated and he kept asking if he was doing something wrong. I won’t lie, I felt like shit. I begged and asked that we move forward and that it won’t happen again. He agreed. But his close friends weren’t having it. They had always felt like I was using him which I wasn’t and that I was with him because I was broke which isn’t true. They started doing this thing where they would come around to my ex-boyfriend’s place where I was and ignore me and I could tell they were talking about me to him in an unflattering way because my ex-boyfriend’s behavior towards me started changing. It took about a month then one day, he came back and said it had to end. After the relationship ended, all his friends unfollowed and blocked me and I am pretty sure they blacklisted me in the industry. Stress lol.’’
Ifeanyi, Straight, 37
‘‘My wife is very suspicious, she suspects everyone. Househelp, her friends, even her relatives. She thinks I am cheating on her with somebody even when I am not. It is a bit draining. And it made it so that when i finally cheated on her, I think she lowkey felt validated. I used to take my son to his school and pick him up and then I started noticing his class teacher. Young and very fine lady. We started talking and eventually exchanged numbers. I’ll dash her some money when I drop off my kid and one day, I asked her to meet me on a Saturday for lunch. We ended up having sex. It went on for a while and it stopped because other teachers noticed and one called my wife, I am still not sure who. My wife went to the owner of the school and told her. I was so mad. My wife found the address of the teacher and went there to threaten her. Then told me she was giving me one week to round up what we had. So I stopped the relationship, eventually, we changed my son’s school and that was it.’’
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: We Love Our Partners, But We Can’t Stop Having Sex
Ijeoma*, 26, and Peter*, 29, have been friends with benefits for 2 months. For today’s Love Life, they talk about satisfying their primal needs while maintaining serious relationships with other people.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Ijeoma: So, recently, my boyfriend has been attending lots of weddings and we haven’t been able to see each other as often as we used to, even though we live in the same state.
Wait. You have a boyfriend?
Peter: LMAO. That’s what I said.
Ijeoma: Peter, please.
What is going on here?
Ijeoma: See, we will gist you everything as it happened and, yes, I have a boyfriend. We were going through a “thing” when I met Peter.
Peter: LMAO. A thing indeed.
Ijeoma: So, the first time I met Peter was at an event I attended with a mutual friend of ours. He caught my eye immediately, but I thought to myself, “Omo! Man na man. I have one and I’m not looking for anything,” but as the day went on, I found myself thinking about him a lot.
Peter: Who would have thought? To be fair, I was also thinking about you. I saw her walk in, with her cute nose and that ass. I did a double take when she turned to speak to someone.
Ijeoma: I know, I caught you stealing glances and Sarah* told me you had asked about me.
So, what happened from there?
Ijeoma: It was good vibes from the jump, and I loved his energy. Once we went past that stranger-danger phase, it was just pure magic.
Peter: Yes. She is funny and super easy to talk to, so we just kept at it for the rest of the event. When it was time to leave, we got each other’s IG handles and said our goodbyes.
Why IG handles, not phone numbers?
Ijeoma: It was easier.
Peter: Is it weird to say that phone numbers felt like too much at the time? I mean, we vibed at the event and all, but we didn’t really know each other well enough to take it that far. Social media handles felt like a safer option. If things die there, it’s easier to forget and move on than if they have your number. You get?
Uhm no, but okay.
Ijeoma: LMAO. From there, oga started DMing me on IG and it was fun. A week later, I had another event to go to, so I casually asked him if he wanted to come with me. But a couple of hours to the thing, I realised that I didn’t want to see him…
Peter: Please, tell me, what do women want?
Ijeoma: I wanted to see you, but I didn’t want to have to stare at your face throughout the event. How hard is that to understand? His face is distracting.
Peter: Anyway, we ended up agreeing that I would pick her up from the event.
Ijeoma: This is where things got interesting. I had about three bottles of wine in me and my body was humming with excitement. I just knew I wanted to fuck him. When I knew he was outside waiting for me, I literally skipped like a schoolgirl out of that building, grinning ear to ear. See ehn, wine-induced horniness is dangerous.
We went back to his place and talked. The room had started to sway, but I kept looking straight at him, imagining things. He was so accommodating. He had my feet in his hands and was rubbing them while we talked. I then asked if I could kiss him and from there, we ended up having sex.
Peter: LMAO. It was amazing, and she’s so cute when she’s asleep.
WOW. So, drunk sex started this relationship?
Ijeoma: Yup, and it only got better. We kept meeting up and having beautiful moments together. We had sex a couple more times. I told my closest friends that I had found love outside my relationship. It all felt very magical and right.
Peter: I always look forward to hanging out with Ijeoma. Cooking for her is so fun because she’s not a picky eater — she enjoys unusual meals. Watching movies with her easily became the highlight of my week. Maybe it was the newness of it all.
Ijeoma: I guess, but then…. I found out about his girlfriend. That helped put things into perspective.
Oluwa, take control. What?
Ijeoma: Turns out his girlfriend and I run in the same circles, so we met some random day. She was going through her phone to show me something, and I saw his photo. I was like, “Oh! You know this guy?” and she was like, “Yeah, that’s my boyfriend.”
Did you feel betrayed?
Ijeoma: Initially, I was offended, but then I was like, “I’m doing the same thing.” Two days after the encounter, he came to pick me up and we went to his place. At some point in the evening, I told him I liked him.
Peter: Not gonna lie, I freaked out a bit.
Ijeoma: That was when I told him that I didn’t want to waste my time. I remember saying, “I met your babe, and I’m not upset because I have a boyfriend too.” Peter just looked at me like WOW.
Peter: Women will disgrace you oh. I wasn’t even upset she had a man. I was more relieved because she was on the exact same page as me. If I was anything less than accepting of the confession, that would make me a hypocrite.
I have been muttering “WTF” since this interview started.
Ijeoma: I know. It’s pretty messed up. However, the whole “confession” thing really helped us define what we have.
Peter: Yes, we decided to be together but keep things under wraps.
Ijeoma: We now have a schedule for sex. There is an understanding of how things are. I try to avoid seeing his girlfriend and I keep my boyfriend happy enough not to suspect anything.
Do you feel guilty about doing this?
Ijeoma: Honestly, no.
Peter: Nope.
Ijeoma: LMAO. I don’t feel guilty because, with Peter, it’s just raw lust, there’s an animosity to the sex that I don’t get with my man. The orgasms are primal and they just rip through me.
I also believe that sex is sex and love is love. When I found out about Peter’s girlfriend, it was easy for me to put my feelings aside. I love my partner and I enjoy having sex with Peter. These things are not mutually exclusive.
Peter: I agree. The fact that we both easily accept having other partners yet maintaining what we have is evidence that we can separate lust from love. I love my girlfriend and all but this, for me, is just physical.
Aren’t you afraid of getting caught?
Peter: We are both cautious, so the likelihood of that happening is very low.
Ijeoma: Exactly. We are very careful. Also, there is no PDA, no pet names and emojis, nothing mushy. We don’t talk like anything is going on, just banter and good vibes. Appointments are made via calls and DMs. It’s pretty chill.
OMO. You guys have this thing on lock oh. Is this your first time cheating on your partner?
Peter: Not really. I had something else before, but it was during a break I had with my girlfriend.
Ijeoma: Properly, yes?
Wait, there is an improper way to… cheat?
Ijeoma: LMAO. Not really. I have done one or two things with other men, but Peter is the first guy I’m being intentional with.
Okay. Rate your love life on a scale of 1 – 10.
Peter: 6/10. What we have is pretty sweet. We are such good friends with very similar interests and it makes the whole thing fun.
Ijeoma: Aww, simp. It’s a 5 for me. I mean, I like him and all, but I’m in love with someone else. We could stop having sex today and still be really good friends.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Food plays an important in relationships. For many people, food is their love language, and for many others, food is a strong determining factor when they choose a life partner. So, to avoid “Had I Known”, don’t cook these foods for a person you’re not married to.
1. Pounded Yam
Omo, it’s for your own good oh. Imagine pounding yam furiously for a man that will later tell you, “I just don’t think we have a future together.” Or a woman that will say no when you ask her to marry you.
Backbreaking labour wasted. God forbid abeg.
2. Ekpangnkukwo.
You yourself, have you cooked something this delicious for yourself before attempting to cook it for a man or woman who is probably cheating on you? Until there’s a ring and an official document, let everybody patronise their favourite restaurants please.
3. Moi moi
You too, reason it: You’ll soak beans, peel it, wash it, take it to be ground, bring it back, add the condiments, measure it in tins, put it in a pot, and then wait for it to steam.
All for someone who hasn’t met your parents. Omo, may the labours of our heroes past not be in vain oh.
4. Ofe Nsala
Ofe Nsala. OFE NSALA for a person that has not talked marriage yet? Hmm. If it’s scratching your body to cook, why not open a restaurant???
5. Ogbono
This one is to save you from embarrassment oh. Imagine cooking ogbono that did not draw for a person you’re chyking or that is chyking you. That’s how your cover will blow and they will break up with you. You’ll now be that guy/babe that cannot cook ogbono.
We rebuke it for you.
6. Efo riro.
You’ll cook efo riro and the person will start running after you and professing love. Small time, people will accuse you of washing bumbum inside the soup because why else are they running after you like you’re their oxygen tank?
Think about it.
7. Pap/Custard
We are not saying you should not prepare this one for them. But wait until you’re married and you live together. That way, if you make River Niger for them and call it pap, they will take it like that. After all, they promised to love you with all your flaws.
8. Pancakes
Again, wait until you’re in the house oh. Cause your pancakes can turn to scrambled eggs and casala can impregnate wahala. You need to be sure that nothing can pursue you out of that relationship.
9. Semo
This one is for your own good. Semo is widely hated. You don’t want to inherit that hatred, so it’s best you don’t even near it at all, even when you are married.
2020 ended with a lot of “I/She said yes.” If you want your own testimony to come soon, then it’s time to start dating seriously. This quiz knows how many relationships you will have to endure this year.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: His Ex-Fiancee Felt Like The Second Wife
*Yinka, 31, and *Kayode, 32, have known each other for 13 years and have been married for months. For today’s Love Life, they talk about moving on from an ex, setting boundaries and living in different timezones.
What’s your earliest memory of your partner?
Yinka: It was in 2005, and we were both in university. A choir was formed for a school event, and we both joined. I remember he was skinny and a little light-skinned.
Kayode: Light-skinned and skinny? Na wa oh. Tough crowd. We went to the same university, shared a couple of mutual friends. In fact, my first-ever girlfriend, Kemi*, was friends with Yinka.
Yinka: We are still friends. Before I married Kayode, I had to ask her for permission. Can you believe she even forgot she dated him? She’s married now though.
Kayode: I honestly don’t get why you had to ask for her permission. We dated a long time ago.
Yinka: Believe it or not, she was my go-to person for all things you when we started dating.
So, how did you guys move from university friends to husband and wife?
Yinka: After graduating, we followed each other on Twitter and Instagram. In November 2016, we met again after school at his ex’s wedding. He dropped me off at my destination.
Kayode: I remember us taking a picture together that day. Little did we know we’d end up together.
Yinka: Life. That day, when I got home, I realised that I couldn’t find my power bank and I buzzed him on IG to help me check his car. We never found the power bank, but it seemed to open the communication window for both of us.
Kayode: We were both in relationships back then, so it was nothing serious. Mostly me asking about job openings at the company she worked in.
Yinka: That was in 2016 and by then, I was flying solo. Meanwhile, he was still in a relationship. In fact, in 2017, Kayode proposed to his girlfriend and we all congratulated them.
The plot thickens. What were you doing during that period?
Yinka: In 2018, I left the country for a job. One day, he replied my IG story with “Looks like you’re not in the country anymore.” I told him that I had japa-ed and he started talking about how he was trying the express entry programme but having problems with IELTS. I encouraged him.
Kayode: All this while, we never saw each other.
Yinka: Yes. He was still buzzing me about IELTS and blah, blah, blah. In May 2019, he asked for my number. Before giving him, I explicitly told him not to call me and he did. I was perplexed.
Do men listen?
Kayode: LMAO. Sometimes we do.
Yinka: He called me on my birthday and sang for me. I think it was from there his “Hellos” became regular. In July, we had a long conversation. Apparently, he thought I was married, not even sure why.
Then he spoke about his relationship and how it ended some months ago. I was trying to resolve things, telling him that if he’s been with someone for eight years, surely they can sort out whatever differences they have. It was a long-ass call.
Wait. Kayode was with his ex-girlfriend for 8 years? Why did things end?
Kayode: Things didn’t work out as we planned. So we had to go our separate ways.
Yinka: They didn’t go their separate ways oh.
Girl, lay this gist down, your hubby is being a hard guy.
Yinka: I’ll get to it. In August 2019, I moved to a new apartment, and he wanted me to carry him along on how that was going. We ended up talking and I finally opened up about my last relationship, which was in 2016. We got closer. I had to ask him one day if he fancied me.
Kayode: I told her I did but didn’t want to get burned, so I was taking things one step at a time.
Yinka: I reached out to Kemi and she was like, “He broke up with his fiance,” and I had to reiterate that I had absolutely nothing to do with that. Kemi said Kayode was a good guy and I was like, “We’ll see.”
Were you scared that you were a rebound?
Yinka: I’ll admit that I was sceptical that he was ready to move on. Emotions can be fickle, and I didn’t want to get caught in that mess. One evening, I asked him if he had moved on from his ex, and he said he wasn’t going back there so why stay stuck? I laid down my conditions because I wasn’t about to become the rebound girl.
Kayode: To be fair, I already had my rebound with a 3-night stand. I knew you deserved better, so you were never a rebound to me.
Aww. I am curious about the conditions you laid, Yinka.
Yinka: It was long-distance and he had talked about some issues in his previous relationship that I hoped would not be repeated. I wanted to know if he could do long-distance without copping some on the side.
All our past experiences forced us to be more intentional in our relationship.
So, for how long did you guys date before getting married?
Yinka: A year but marriage was already in the works by December 2019. It didn’t come without its issues though. We started dating in September 2019, but he said he couldn’t let his ex-fiance know he was in a relationship. Excuse me, sir, what?
Ah. Kayode, an explanation would make my life better right now.
Kayode: I didn’t handle the situation well. I didn’t know how my ex would take it since we shared mutuals with Yinka.
Yinka: I tried to be empathetic because it must have been hard to date someone for eight years, get engaged and even do an introduction only for things to end. I was like, I understand, but I really didn’t understand. I was plagued with guilt every now and then, and Kayode didn’t make it easy.
Yinka, Why did you feel guilty? It wasn’t your fault they broke up, right?
Yinka: Yes, but they could have worked things out if pride didn’t get in the way. Plus, he was with me but holding on to her.
Kayode: I didn’t want to put our relationship out there so it didn’t come off as me rubbing it in her face. In doing that, I didn’t consider Yinka’s feelings. I wasn’t holding on to my ex, I just couldn’t deal with things face-on because of the situation.
Yinka: It’s the little things. When I see your exes name saved as “*Ife luv”, it made me wonder if you were sure of who you wanted. It didn’t help that she was always putting cryptic messages on how she was jilted. I had to confront him. Are you sure you didn’t do more than you said you did?
Kayode: I didn’t intend to hurt you when I sent you that message with her name saved as “Ife luv”. It was carelessness on my part. I was also not trying to hide anything and it was an error on my part for not putting your feelings first.
Yinka: In my opinion, you should have created boundaries. You should have let her know you had moved on and allowed her to heal instead of checking in and sending her cash at will. It created the impression that you were readily available to her which was unnecessary.
Okay, guys. We need to back up. What happened with Kayode and his ex-fiance?
Yinka: So, his family had issues with some things she put up online, and it created a rift that dragged from 2017 till 2019. She said she couldn’t deal with them anymore, and he said his family was important to him. It was a mutual separation, but she always made it seem worse online.
OMO. How did she react to you guys’ engagement and marriage?
Kayode: There was no communication between us, so there was no need to know her position. We have moved on to a brighter future.
Yinka: Oga, what are you saying? Kayode that went to the UK and came back with gifts for the second wife [the ex] because the home must be kept balanced. He will come and now say she knew he was travelling.
Kayode: This was before the whole boundary issues came up.
Yinka: Babe, you’ve had boundary issues since September 2019.
Kayode: By March 2020, we settled all the boundary stuff na.
Yinka: Really? Must be nice.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
Yinka: Kayode is skipping pages. He didn’t let her know he was in a relationship. He must have told her when he handed her the things he bought for her.
Kayode: I thought we had passed to when everything was settled.
Yinka: When I came to Nigeria in December 2019, I found out that oga had been playing doctor and saviour for his ex. Giving her cash and tending to her needs. I was divided. I know he is a great guy, but he didn’t know when to draw the line. And it was worse because he saw nothing wrong with it. He kept saying, “I will handle it my way,” and that hurt my feelings.
So, he never told you when he did stuff for his ex while you guys were dating?
Yinka: Nope.
Kayode: Ah babe. Yes. I even asked if it was okay to assist her.
Yinka: What about the days that you would have loved to visit?
Kayode: At least I made you know. It was naive of me because I thought you understood.
Yinka: If I understood, we wouldn’t have the back and forth of doing things your way.
Let me cut in and ask, Yinka, how did you find out he was doing these things for his ex?
Yinka: I can be the FBI.
Kayode: But I wasn’t hiding anything.
Yinka: Na so. That same December, one guy followed me on Instagram. I started probing the guy because I didn’t believe he just followed me randomly. Turns out he and Kayode had some issues when Kayode was still with his ex.
It was after I showed the guy a blog post with Kayode’s picture that the guy realised that we were together. The guy told Kayode’s ex, and she went on a rampage, cursing him. I felt guilty because I had unknowingly set the ball rolling.
I didn’t say anything malicious, I just wanted to know why the guy followed me. Anyway, Kayode ended up sending his ex money after that. He’s such a nice guy.
LMAO. This is so messy.
Yinka: It gets worse. After accusing Kayode of digging into her life using that guy, she went online to say a bunch of things. She spoke about an ex who claims to have moved on yet is still trying to probe into her life.
I was so confused because she did all these things and still collected money and gifts when Kayode gave her. I get she was hurting but the straw that broke the camel’s back was when she made reference to my person.
Oh no, she didn’t!
Yinka: She insinuated that he was only with me to leave the country and called him a demon. This happened in March 2020. By then, Kayode and I were taking marriage counselling classes. I wanted him to block her on all platforms and create boundaries because she was saying a lot of things online.
Kayode: This is why I didn’t want our relationship out there. It’s because of all this unnecessary drama.
Yinka: Then why didn’t you block her? After three days of waiting for him to do something, I took matters into my own hands and messaged her.
What did she say in response?
Yinka: She asked me not to interfere with matters I know nothing about. I wasn’t about to start exchanging words with her, so I deleted her message and kept things moving. I’m too classy for all that mess. She called Kayode, and he messaged me, asking why I contacted her.
Is there any point where Kayode actually supported you?
Kayode: To be fair, I asked if you contacted her.
Yinka: Before proceeding to ask why I contacted her.
While all of this was happening, were you having second thoughts about the relationship?
Yinka: Yes. He was trying so hard to not offend her. If the separation was mutual, why was he overcompensating? She would say she couldn’t sleep and it will become a problem. I expected him to be more firm. At some point, she called me a schemer.
Ahhh.
Yinka: His parents had to get involved because I blocked Kayode when he was saying nonsense about not doing things my way.
When was this?
Yinka: In April 2020,after he called to confront me about contacting his ex. The relationship was not by force. I wasn’t desperate to be with anyone. I was doing fine by myself before he came into the picture. I didn’t need the stress. The annoying part was that she ended up being the one to block him.
Kayode: No. I blocked her. I am not a social media person so, I didn’t care what was going on there.
How did this affect the wedding plans?
Yinka: His parents had gone to see mine in February. He still sent his ex-fiance cash after the introduction. I was still confused that when he dated his ex, he had no problem putting their pictures up but with us, he had issues doing that.
OMO.
Yinka: In April, I told him to take a stance. He can’t be here and be trying to be there as well. I was afraid of being with a person who was only with me because they couldn’t be with another.
Kayode: This is my fault because I didn’t see things from her perspective back then, and it caused a lot of friction in our relationship.
Yinka: It all comes down to boundaries. She always managed to be in the picture. Interestingly, after they broke up, she’d ask about who he was dating and he’d gladly tell her and reassure her that he still loved her. He just couldn’t when we were together.
Is it because of the conditions you laid out?
Yinka: I don’t know. He was probably not serious with the others, so it was easy to say oh, I’m just fooling around because I cannot stop thinking about you. And I don’t think he understood the extent to which it hurt my feelings. I tried to understand at first. I would have ended it the moment he said I cannot let her know I’m in a relationship.
Kayode: I think I need to address this. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. I was doing what I felt was best at the time. I wasn’t hiding Yinka; I just wasn’t as open with our relationship. I was waiting for the ideal time to break it to my ex because I knew how tough it was for her.
About sending her money, there were a few projects we were doing together, and I was just fulfilling my own end of the bargain. This does not excuse what happened, and I’m truly sorry.
Yinka: I forgive you and I always want you to know when to draw the line. You cannot please everybody.
Oh wow. Tell me about being married.
Yinka: We got married in October. I came to Nigeria and stayed for a few weeks. We are learning to cope with the distance. I find it normal, but he finds it tiring.
Kayode: The distance is crazy, but it is worth it.
Yinka: I feel closer to him. We talk all the time and have dates over the phone. It’s strange, but we’ve only seen each other a few times since we started dating. Two weeks in December and when I came home for the wedding in October.
What does a typical day in this relationship look like?
Kayode: We are always on video call. We go to the office together. We practically do everything together via video calls.
Yinka: When I wake up, I call him cause it’s afternoon at his, and we talk till I get to work. I call during my lunch break to say hello. He stays up till I leave the office and then we talk for a bit before he sleeps. The plan is to have him here with me as soon as possible.
Interesting. How do you manage the sexual parts of this relationship?
Yinka: There was no sex when I came in December 2019. Although we made out.
Oh wow. A celibate relationship.
Yinka: As a person, I’m still trying to figure sex out. We still haven’t had sex. I’ve never had penetrative sex so, after the wedding, I wasn’t ready, and he wanted me to take my time. I think my mind thinks of the pain, and my muscles just clench.
Okay, guys. On a scale of 1-10, rate your love life.
Yinka: I’d say 8/10. We are in a good place, willing to grow and learn from each other and in life. I worry sometimes that something would happen to him, and I would not get to love him like I want to.
There is so much I’d love to do with him and the distance doesn’t help. He is an amazing man who admits his imperfections and is willing to be better. I just hope we have a lot of time together to explore what life has for us. He definitely has made me a better person in his own way.
Kayode: I would say 7/10. We still have a lot to explore. It’s a 7 because I feel we are doing well with the distance.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Sometimes, people shoot their shots at you. Which is nice and all, but they are not your spec and you’re not exactly interested. You want to dodge the shot but you don’t want to seem like an asshole. You also don’t want it to end in tears for them, because you’re nice. What do you do?
1. Tell them you’re impotent
This is sure to have them running away from you.
2. Say you’re battling spiritual issues
Because who wants to sleep with somebody possessed by legion?
3. Mention that you’re treating an STD
Just say it casually during a conversation. If they still stay, it means they truly love you.
4. Tell them your pastor said you should not date
Although they might come away thinking you don’t have sense.
5. Tell them you’ll soon relocate abroad
And you can’t do long-distance. Maybe God will hear your lie and answer your prayers.
Women are often overlooked in conversations about marital infidelity due to the misconception that they are less inclined to cheat on their spouses. I spoke to six married women who had engaged in relationships without their husbands’ knowledge, and they shared some intriguing stories of infidelity.
Editorial note: This article was updated to include Chidinma’s entry which was omitted in error.
Betty
Before I got married, I discovered that my fiance was a liar and a cheat. The feeling I felt, omo, I swore never to let myself feel that way ever again. I went on to marry him less than a year ago. Sounds strange, but the discovery killed any true love I had for him, but I didn’t want to start over with someone who would end up breaking my trust again. With this clarity, I began to flirt with some guys. So far, all I’ve had is phone sex with one of them. I actually plan to have sex with this new guy next year lol. By then, I’ll have lost some weight so the unveiling will be bomb as fuck. As for my marriage, we go dey alright last last. My previous definition of love ended up being a major scam. I ain’t a sucker for love anymore.
P.S: my new guy is also married. I find they are the best ones to have an affair with because everybody has something to lose, so no long thing.
Omotola
I had been dating for seven years when I met Mr C, who made me feel like I meant the world to him. During this period, I had a feeling my husband (boyfriend at the time) was cheating, so I went through his BBM and sure enough, saw incriminating things. I capitalised and asked for a break to think about things, even though he denied cheating. At this juncture, I started sleeping with Mr C and I felt like I had met my soulmate. I was kinda juggling two men.
I wanted to marry Mr C but I was forced into this marriage eight years ago. I was in such a bad place that, before the wedding, I decided that I would continue sleeping with Mr C. This continued for a year until my husband caught me. He was livid and felt like shit. I didn’t even know he had found out. It took him a while after he found out to bring it up with me. He had suspected I was up to something when I told him I was going to visit a friend for the weekend and followed me and found where I went to. Weirdly, he didn’t say anything the entire weekend even though we were chatting. He confronted me a few weeks later. Oh my, I was sure he was going to ask for a divorce but he didn’t.
That episode really broke him. I know I broke him. He never saw me the same way again, and we had known each other for seven years before we married. After that, I stopped seeing Mr C for about a year but picked up again because, tbh the sex was amazeballs. I eventually called it quits about a year ago when I relocated.
Oyin
I’ve been married for five years. The affair started in a stupid way, really. My ex kept texting me, telling me he missed me. Me I won’t lie, I missed him too, even before he texted me, but I didn’t miss him enough to cheat. He had shown some interest in some properties I was looking to sell so I decided to meet up with him without telling my husband. We met a couple of times but we remained civil. He didn’t know I was married and I opted not to mention it at first, but I told him when we met up. People weren’t aware that I was married; we chose not to announce our legal wedding because it was for relocation purposes. It was a quick wedding, to be honest.
After seeing a couple of times, the emotions became overwhelming. One day, we had sex. I felt really guilty about it but I couldn’t tell my husband the truth. We still needed to work together so it happened again. We used to meet up in the same house he lived when we were dating, which wasn’t a great idea at all. My husband eventually found out through my emails. I was quite absent from our home, so he felt a nudge to look through my emails and he found something incriminating. He was distraught, but he forgave me.
I made up my mind to discipline myself when I saw the hurt I put my husband through. I never went close to my ex again because I set up an accountability structure with my husband and it hasn’t happened since. We even had to change churches because my ex was a member of our church. My husband suggested it to completely eliminate the possibility of running into him, although it’s a big church. Seeing as I had already put him through enough, I couldn’t object. I love him too much to put him through that kind of pain again. I can’t go close to my ex anymore. I have a soft spot for him so I can’t put myself in that position again.
Above all, I’m grateful for my husband. He’s always trying to protect my reputation and has never mentioned it to anyone. I love him to the moon because of this. Overcommunication was key to the healing process. Four years and one child later, we are happy.
Laila
I’ve been married since 2009 and I’ve never been faithful, even when I was on the dating scene. As a married woman, I feel unfulfilled. My husband is wonderful and sweet but he’s not an intellectual and I’m really attracted to intelligence in a man.
I cheat and I’ve always cheated. I can’t admit this publicly but I’ve always found the idea of monogamy unattractive. If I married an adventurous person, maybe I wouldn’t cheat. My husband is stable and all but he’s boring and mundane.
I currently have three boyfriends. I have sex constantly with the first one and almost no sex at home. The second is a friend-with-benefits but he lives in a different part of Nigeria. As for the third, I love him. He’s married too but I think he’s my soulmate. He’s intellectual and sexually adventurous. Of course, I still cheat on him from time to time, especially when he’s busy with work or family but I feel he’s the only one who gets me. I wish I could be with him in a socially-acceptable way.
Moremi
I’m married with kids and my husband and I love each other but I don’t feel like he listens or hears me. He doesn’t spend time with me and I’ve spent years complaining about this. He changes for a few weeks and then reverts to normal. So I needed someone to talk to.
Roi and I started out just talking a few hours every day on life issues, on everything and anything. Now we’ve caught feelings, even though he’s married too. We reconnected a year ago and we’ve seen each other a few times since then. We have very magnetic chemistry. It has taken the grace of God not to have sex for this long, but that grace is no longer sufficient.
He is mindful of me, pays attention and listens to me. He knows me well; he hears what I’m thinking and feeling. We spend endless hours on the phone each week. Because we grew up in the same neighbourhood and he’s a childhood friend, he’s known me all my life. We never dated. He had a crush on me when we were teenagers but he never asked me out.
I feel alive and loved. I feel beautiful. If you ask me, this affair has been great for my marriage. I’ve had more sex with my husband since I reconnected with Roi. Since the desirable is not available, I’ve been initiating sex more. Once I’ve spoken to him for hours, he leaves me with such a warm feeling that everyone who annoys me gets a pass, including my husband, so less fights. We talk about everything, even things we can never tell our spouses. He’s very mature, helpful with my work, kids and even helps settle issues I have with my husband.
If someone told me that I’d ever be in this situation, I’d say never. Neither of us intends to leave our marriages but we intend to be in each other’s lives for the rest of our lives. The affair is currently purely emotional because we are in different countries. It helps that we are in different countries, else we would have been caught. It’s sweet but heartbreaking at the same time, not being with someone you love. Also confusing because we both love our spouses, just not the same way we love each other. I’ve been married for 11 years and him, for 15.
We’ve been fighting the sexual attraction for over a year. We’ve both admitted that we’ve failed. It’s only COVID that’s keeping us apart. I’ll be shocked if we survive another physical date without sex. I am unashamedly looking forward to it and I won’t feel guilty. I’ve decided that I deserve to be happy. We worry about getting caught though. It’s easier to forgive a cheating spouse when it’s just sex. It’ll be difficult for our spouses to find out we share such a bond and connection outside of them.
Chidinma
I got married six years ago and I’ve had two affairs. I met my lover at the bank where I worked back then. I really liked him and I think he liked me too but I never told him I was married. We just connected so well and he was so much fun. I didn’t really have any reason to cheat, I was just bored and I regretted marrying early at 23.
He later found out I was married. I felt bad because he didn’t find out from me. There were many times I wanted to tell him I was married, but I was afraid of what he’d think of me. When he asked why I didn’t tell him about my marriage, I had no real reason. I actually didn’t want him to think of me as a bad girl. We met a few times and we had sex for the last time and never met again. I actually love him and I’m trying really hard to forget him. The last time we spoke, he said “I trusted you.” That broke me. I don’t regret cheating with him. As a matter of fact, if I had met him earlier, I would have married him. He even asked if I was willling but I laughed it off.
The second affair was an ex from the university. This guy made me feel I was unfair to him because while we dated in the university, we never had sex. So I thought “Why not give ourselves closure?” So we had sex once and that was it. This guy really guilt-tripped me into feeling terrible about the past. I did it for closure. I’ve realised it’s not my business what he thinks about me. Whatever it is, let him take it up with Jesus. I’m not the cause of the problems in his life.
He wanted to make it a constant thing but I shut him out. You know what they say about men; give them a rope and they would skip. Sleeping with him was just a really stupid thing to do. To me, it never happened. If I ever see him in public, I am so going to deny knowing him. I hope he responds with the same energy too, so that he can save himself from embarrassment..
I currently have no extramarital affair now and I do not plan to have any in the future. It’s stressful; I can only keep up with so many lies and hiding. Also, I have two kids and can’t continue cheating. I regret cheating on my husband. If he finds out, I don’t know what he’s capable of. He says he loves me, but I don’t think so. I think he just married me because he had to get married as he is nine years older than me. I realised this much later. But then, nothing justifies cheating.
We already did a quiz that told you your love language, but now, we want to guess the love language of the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with. Will you be able to love them the way they like?
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio – Love Life: We Went From Friends To Lovers To Frenemies
*Caroline, 20, and *Somto, 20, used to date. They went from friends to lovers to frenemies. For today’s Love Life, they talk about their relationship and how one party felt bullied into a relationship they never really wanted.
What’s the relationship here?
Caroline: We used to date.
Somto: She’s my ex.
How long did you guys date for?
Somto: We started dating in February 2020. I’m not sure.
Caroline: I like to count it as a month, but I think it was just three weeks. We broke up on March 30th.
Tell me about your relationship.
Somto: I feel like I was bullied into it. I just got out of a relationship and my emotions were all over the place. Caroline and I were working on a project together. We started hanging out and it was fun at first. Then one night, she sent me a text and basically bullied me into a relationship..
Caroline: I didn’t bully him. We go to the same school; we’re students. We were working together and we had so much in common. I just thought to myself, maybe you should just ask him if he wants to be in a relationship. He first hesitated but later agreed. I didn’t force him.
Somto, do you think you’re easily persuaded to do things you don’t want to?
I am usually not easily persuaded, but a part of me was hoping it would work. I lowkey knew that this wasn’t something I wanted to do. I made it clear from the onset that I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I just wanted to be friends.
Interesting. How did the relationship end?
Somto: I won’t say it was a breakup, it was more of an agreement. You know when you’re not meant to be with someone? That’s how I felt.
Caroline: Before the lockdown, we were having lots of fights, disagreeing about a lot of things, yelling at each other. I saw it coming because I got the vibe he wasn’t quite comfortable with our relationship. The day school sent us home, he called and told me he still loves his ex-girlfriend and wanted to break up.
Yikes. Somto, are you with your ex now?
No, but it’s fine. I’m learning to love my own company.
Caroline mentioned fights. What exactly were you guys fighting about?
Somto: I didn’t want to hang out. I just wanted to be alone and she would make a fuss. It was silly little things. They were absurd because, on a normal day, I wouldn’t want to argue about them.
Caroline: I was getting paranoid that something was wrong with him and he wasn’t telling me. I remember one of the arguments where he said he didn’t know how to explain himself, and I kept insisting he talk to me because we were friends before we started dating. The whole secrecy thing was bothering me and I needed to know what was wrong.
Somto: I didn’t intentionally make things difficult for you. I was going through my problems and I didn’t want to get anyone involved. I like to sort things out myself.
Caroline: I was just trying to be enough.
Somto: You were more than enough. I just wasn’t complete yet.
What did you guys hate about the relationship?
Somto: There was nothing to hate. If I had met Caroline at a different point in my life, things might have worked. Right now, I’m not just in the mood for a relationship.
Caroline: I didn’t really hate anything. The timing was just off. I was very busy at that point and the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough or spending adequate time with him kept eating me up. Sometimes, I’d make him come to my meetings so we could spend more time together.
What was your sex life like?
Caroline: Honestly, it wasn’t intense. We made out and it was just there, but we never had sex. We tried, but I didn’t feel ready.
Somto: Meh. I’m not pushy so, for me, it wasn’t a priority. I’ve had it too many times to care.
What did you pick up from the relationship?
Somto: She pushed me to do a lot of things. I basically doubled my hustle because of her.
Caroline: His music sense. I’ve been listening to a lot of songs he likes. I am also still friends with some of his friends. Oh, and I’m now experimenting with weed.
Are you guys still attracted to each other?
Caroline: Attraction is such a wide spectrum. I am still attracted to him physically and because I have been in a relationship with him, it’s easier to say that I still might be attracted to him emotionally, but the relationship fucked me up and gave me PTSD. I couldn’t even listen to some songs I liked because they reminded me of him.
Somto: I would assume so. Probably.
How did you guys get over the break up?
Somto: I was still getting over one when I got into this one so it felt like a compound effect for me. Dealing with it while working was very effective for me.
Caroline: When we would fight in the relationship, because of how busy I was, I never had time to brew over it. When I went home because of Corona, I had time to organise my feelings and frankly, I lashed out at him.
The night of the breakup, I called my best friend and cried over Facetime. A friend of his kept checking in on me for about a week to make sure I was okay. The sleepless nights didn’t help either. I don’t want to say I was used, but I felt deceived.
Somto: Caroline, in all honesty, I was very nice to you. I never lied to you.
Caroline: But you concealed the truth and that’s just as bad.
Somto: Did I? Did I really?
Caroline: You using the term “bullied” at the start of this interview when all I did was ask you is very weird. I wish I had my old phone so I can go through the chats and see where I came off as a bully.
If you didn’t want to, you shouldn’t have accepted. We’ve had this argument before where you said you never wanted this and because I really don’t want to keep bringing this up. So, yes, lying and concealing the truth may be different but they are closely related.
Somto: The night I told you I didn’t want this and would prefer we were friends. You looked at me with sad puppy dog eyes and I felt pressured. I don’t really like dealing with emotional stress, I’m not really good at handling it.
When I start hinting at not wanting to do something and you start giving me those eyes, I just go with it. At the point I felt it was too much, it made more sense to just rip the bandage off.
Somto, would you say you dated her out of pity?
Somto: It wasn’t really out of pity. I understood what it felt like to be alone and didn’t want that for her. I really liked her. You have to understand that I was just trying to get over my ex.
Caroline: Wow.
So, she was a rebound?
Somto: 💀
Caroline: It’s all good. I just wish you had said something in the beginning instead of having me go through all this.
Is there a chance of getting back together at all?
Caroline: In this exact moment, I’d say no.
Somto: I don’t think so.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
On October 29, 2020, we’ll be launching Love Life. It is a new Zikoko series about relationships, situationships and entanglements. To get you excited, here is a quiz that will tell you just how much you bring to your relationships.
Hello people of the internet, you can now support us financially to help Zikoko keep Zikokoing.
Loving someone starts from somewhere. That single moment when you realise that you actually love this fool you’re with. For some women, they could date a person and only realise they love them after months in the relationship. For others, it’s instantaneous. Today, 7 Nigerian women tell us the first time they realised they were in love with their partner(s).
1. Hannah and her health hero
I was 8 months into my relationship when I became very ill. When I spoke to my partner on the phone, I didn’t want to stress him because I knew he had so much work to do. After taking a fevered nap, I woke up to several missed calls from him. Apparently, he had become so worried when he couldn’t reach me so he ditched work and came to my building. When I saw him, he looked so worried that it broke my heart. He spent the day running around getting things for me. At that moment, I realised that I love him and I was done mooning over my ex. We’ve been together for 2 years now.
2. Dorcas and her love affair
Currently having an affair and loving it. So, I have two love stories and funny enough, the second one exists because of the inadequacy of the first. For my husband, I realised that I loved him when I got pregnant for him out of wedlock and wanted to keep it. Before him, I have had 2 abortions for two different exes. He felt like a safe option at the time.
For my affair, he is the first person I have been with after 10 years of being married to my husband. He makes me come alive and the sex is electric. I think it was mid-orgasm that I realise that I love him enough to risk my marriage for him.
3. Cynthia and her glucose guardian
My partner is a married man but his family doesn’t stay in the country. I think I love the fact that he spoils me silly. I can’t think of one thing I really want that he doesn’t give me. The first time I realised that I might love this man was last year when I casually mentioned that I have never been to the abroad and he surprised me 2 months later with a trip to Dubai. I know it’s futile loving a married man but we only live once and I don’t want to feel guilty for enjoying myself.
4. Aisha and her love for potential
I’m not sure about the moment I fell in love or I cannot remember. There’s no aha moment. But it was a build-up of many things. We talked consistently over many weeks on the phone. You know when you talk to someone every day, there’s a huge chance that you become fond of them, or start to like them even. Then we agreed fundamentally on a couple of things which made it more exciting – feminism, storytelling etc. And then I saw potential in him to become rich in a couple of years.
I guess that’s it.
5. Martha and her 3 lovers
I am currently in love with 3 men but I am in a relationship with two of them. The moment I realised that I love man number one was when we had unprotected sex. I have never done that before him. It made me realise that only love can make me take such a silly risk.
I realised that I love man number 2 when I risked my life to make a journey to Kaduna. Normally, I am a selfish lover so for me to go to a state of unrest to see man, I knew that cupid was working overtime.
I realised that I love man number 3 when I initiated the relationship between us. I am very attractive person and I am so used to men doing the chasing. So, for me to make a move, I think I’m in love.
6. Rhoda and her dad bod man
I am attracted to beautiful men. I work out a lot and have a great body so I have never pictured myself with someone who didn’t look fit. It was 5 months into the relationship that a friend pointed out that my man has a dad bod. I didn’t even notice. I had to spend time looking at my man again and it hit me that I actually love this person so much that I dropped my strict rule for him. With him, I don’t notice anything else but his kindness and willingness to make me happy. We’ve been together for over a year and I couldn’t be happier.
7. Temi and her cheater bae
My father was a serial cheater and had so many children with so many women. I saw the pain he put my mom through so I mentally decided to never accept a cheating partner. I was with my partner for 3 months before finding out he cheated on me with his colleague. Before him, I had sworn to leave any man who cheats on me. With him, I found myself hoping he’d ask for forgiveness so we can get back together. He did and we are together again. That was when I realised that I might actually love this man.
No, his name is not Femi.
Announcement
Hey there, Zikoko is introducing a new flagship called Love life on the 29th of October, 2020. It basically tells the love story of people from the perspective of all parties involved. So, whether it’s an entanglement, a situationship or a bad separation, we will be telling your story.
If you and your (ex) partner are interested in featuring in Zikoko Love Life, register here.
An open marriage is a form of non-monogamy where the partners agree that the other partner may engage in extra-marital sexual relations without this being regarded as infidelity. It’s more or less like Jada and Will’s marriage, although the rules often vary.
Needless to say, this isn’t a very popular arrangement with most people, and much less so among Nigerians. Despite this, I had the pleasure of meeting a 30-year-old Nigerian man who has been in an open marriage for two years, and before that, an open relationship for 10 years. We talked about his marriage, what it demands and why more people should consider open marriages.
So, how did it begin?
Honestly? It’s not something we really thought about. At least, we never called it an open relationship, when we were dating. Or even a relationship. It was basically, “Yes, I love you and you love me, but we both still find other people sexually attractive. So what are we going to do?” We had a lot of back-and-forths about what that meant and what we could do about it.
Initially, the relationship wasn’t open at all. We had been dating for a few years when, one day, she suddenly came to me and said: “I found someone I think you’d find sexually interesting.” That’s how it started. We discuss it frequently to touch base and see what the other person is thinking.
What do you think were her motivations for giving you the green light to sleep with someone else?
To be honest, it’s probably a hodgepodge of factors. Firstly, she is bisexual. Secondly, she enjoys watching me having sex and she loves it when I tell her about other women I’m having sex with and how. Also, there were women she found sexually appealing but she wasn’t comfortable about her sexuality with other women at that time. So she’d offer the women to me and live vicariously through me. Eventually, she decided to try women.
Interesting. What are the details of your arrangement?
Basically, both of us can sleep with whomever we want. The only condition is that we obtain consent from each other before sleeping with other people. There have been instances where we both didn’t agree to let the other sleep with someone else but it’s always for a good reason.
What would you say is required to be in this kind of relationship?
Lot’s of work and honesty. From the outside, it looks easy, but in reality, there’s a lot of work required. We have to talk and talk and fine-tune things a lot.
Our relationship is pretty private, but now and again, we raise some eyebrows. When we are with friends and a lover of either of us or both of us is around, our friends tend to give us weird looks, thinking that we are cheating on the other partner. They think it’s weird that a married person is hanging with someone else, and even more surprised that the other partner doesn’t care about it.
One time, I was with my friends and I had one of my girlfriends with me. My girlfriend kept talking about my wife; not in the I-shouldn’t-be-with-you type of way and more in a playful “I will tell your wife you’re not treating me nicely” type of way. My guys were looking at me funny. They don’t know about the arrangement and I’d like to keep it that way
Wow. Do you worry that either you or your wife might catch feelings for someone else? What’s the contingency plan?
The thought that either of us might have feelings for other people crosses our minds, honestly. It’s only logical that if you keep fucking the same person, feelings will inevitably come into play. That’s why we emphasise on honesty. Also, we already know we’ll spend the rest of our lives together. We know that even if you catch feelings for someone else, it’s only half the truth. My wife and I know our full truths with each other and it makes us both happy.
If it happens, we’ll deal with it the same way we deal with other matters; discussing honestly and finding solutions together. It’s us against any issues bothering one person.
Have you had any disagreements over this arrangement?
Ah yes. And it was absolutely my fault too. I’m an emotional guy, really, and I can only have sex with people I like and have a real connection with. At some point, it got a bit too emotional with one of my women, and when my wife pointed it out to me, I got defensive, and even worse, started to feel like I needed to hide parts of that relationship from her. I refused to do any introspection for a while. But at some stage, you gotta listen when your own woman insists on something like that. I regret it very much; hurting her was never part of the arrangement.
Do you plan on having children?
We do plan on having children, a little down the road. Of course, we think about how having children will have an impact on the nature of our relationship. It’ll definitely means having less random partners. We’ll settle for regular partners so that we aren’t introducing the kids to strangers every two weeks. It also means meeting out of town more often and having fewer partners.
Sounds like it’s all planned out.
Again, we talk and talk and talk. It’s hard, but it’s the only way it works.
Between the two of you, how many partners would you say there are?
Lmao. This is hard. There are some regular ones, there are seasonal ones and there are part-time ones. But currently, I’d say three. Of course, we have partners outside of each other. Some of our partners are in relationships of their own. However, we do have a favourite girlfriend. She’s in a relationship with both of us together and individually.
The next thing on our agenda is dating a couple similar to us. It sounds really interesting. We aren’t rushing it because sometimes, you just have to let things happen. So far, it hasn’t happened yet. Although it’d be nice if such a couple reaches out.
That’s interesting. Do you think more people should consider open marriages and relationships or do you think it’s only suited to a select few?
It’s definitely not for everybody. It’s also not a response to infidelity or an inability to be loyal. It demands even more accountability that normal relationships don’t ask of you.
I think more people should be honest about the fact that loving someone doesn’t mean you never want to fuck someone else. Once we all come to that place, the rest is just housekeeping and figuring out what works.
If you’ve ever been in one, you’ll know that long-distance relationships are the ghetto. From the constant I miss yous to the severe horniness that afflicts you, long-distance relationships are nothing to write home about. Luckily, there are a couple of things you can do to help make your long-distance relationship easier to bear.
1. Break up.
Break up with them. They can’t cheat on you if you break up with them.
2. Cheat.
Let’s face it. This is the only way the relationship will last. The ball is in your court.
3. Move.
Just follow your partner wherever they are going. Quit your job and follow them.
4. Buy internet data in wholesale.
You’ll be needing loads of it for all the video calls you’ll be doing.
5. Open the relationship
At this point, just open it. So you can be sleeping with other people with your chest.
We all approach love in different ways. Some people go all in, unafraid to get hurt; others are cautious due to past heartbreak. Well, this quiz knows exactly how you love. Is it cautiously, recklessly or deeply?
As we all know, the devil is learning work where Nigerian women are. These queens of wickedness are out to destroy hearts and occasionally, a gullible Nigerian man falls for them and gets his heart broken. To get over their heartbreak, you often find men doing one (or all) of these five things:
1. Drink to stupor.
Someone probably told Nigerian men the solution to heartbreak is at the bottom of a bottle of booze. This is just one of the many ways Nigerian women can ruin your life.
2. Start going to church.
Have you ever had your heart broken so badly, you decided to focus on God? If no, date a Nigerian woman today and experience it for yourself.
3. Whore around.
Many Nigerian men take the saying “to get over somebody, you need to get under someone else” too seriously.
4. Move to another city.
Yes. Nigerian women will hurt you so bad, you’ll start checking for apartments in Ibadan.
5. Bury themselves in work.
You know when you have so much pent up anger from being heartbroken and you decide to pour all that anger into your work.
Nigerian women are always suspicious when their men have female best friends. Maybe it’s because they know the things they do with their own male best friends (Don’t quote me sha). I think women should be more open to the idea of female best friends for their men. Read on for all the benefits of your man having a female best friend.
1. She’ll help him choose dresses and weaves for you
Your man would be able to pick the best things for your birthday because his best friend is advising him. She can even try them on before he buys them for you.
2. She’ll provide you with support
Suppose you’re tired and don’t feel like cuddling. His female best friend can come through for both of you and cuddle him while you rest. Win-win.
3. Teach him how to treat women better
Since she’s less emotionally invested, he would learn how to treat a woman, which he’ll practice on her and do to you. Best deal.
4. Advice him when you fight
Who else would advise him properly in emotional matters than another woman?
5. Advice him not to cheat
Because she’s close to him, she’ll know when he’s about to cheat and advice him against it. May we not fall into temptation.
Nigerian women. What a phenomenon. If you’ve ever had to woo a Nigerian woman, you know it’s not exactly the easiest of tasks. Asides swimming through 7 oceans and conquering 7 mountains, there a few other things that can get you to a Nigerian woman’s heart. I made a list.
1. Give her money
You can’t go wrong with this one. Just send her something. The more zeroes there are in the alert, the better your chances.
2. Buy her food
The best way to a Nigerian woman’s heart is through her stomach. Nobody has ever gone wrong with buying a woman lunch.
3. Buy her weave
Your forgiveness is assured if you do this one.
4. Take her on a spa date
Nigerian women love massages. Nigerian women love dates. What’s better than combining the two?
5. Vacation
Weekend getaway? Great. A week-long vacation in a country preferably in Europe? That’s it. You’ve won.
Relationships are meant to be two-sided. But men seem to always get the short end of the stick when it comes to having expectations weighed on them. Here are some of the most unreasonable expectations women have for men in relationships.
1. Massages
Boyfriend, not masseuse. Women will want massages at every inconvenience and you’ll begin to wonder if you’re in a romantic relationship or if they’re only with you to use you for your amazing massage abilities. Stay strong, king.
2. Sex
When you find out that she’s only in the relationship to do unreasonable things like having sex every day, the game changes. What happened to fulfilment and growth together? What happened to holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes? What happened to baking? Why sex?
3. Regular Gifts
Boyfriend, not Santa Claus. If a man gives you one outing to Coldstone on your birthday every year, what more do you want? Why are you looking for a new phone or scented candles? Women…
4. Quality Time
Idleness is the devil’s workshop. Why spend quality time, when can be out hustling and chilling with your guys?
5. Cuddles
You already know that when this guy wakes up, his entire arm is gone because the woman has cut off all the blood flow into the arm but women never learn. All they want to do is cuddle. But at what cost?
6. Doing chores
A man? Doing chores? Good lord!
7. A Sense of Humor
Please, I’m not a comedian. If you want comedy, go to the Nigerian House of Assembly. Thanks.
Man Like – A series about men, for men, by men. This Sunday, 12PM.
We might not always admit it to ourselves, but we are all constantly chasing some version of romantic love. Whether the version we want is unrealistic or rational is a totally different conversation — one that this quiz will be answering today.
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
This weeks’ #Nairalife was made possible by FCMB’s promise of quality medical care from the comfort of your home.
Let’s start from when you were tiny.
I used to help my mum at her store where she sold perfumes. Then she opened another store for kid’s clothing in the city we lived in.
What city?
Delta. My mum used to buy clothes from Dubai, so I’d travel with her, and pick out the kids’ clothes. I think it was at the end of primary school. Then I started scamming my parents in secondary school.
Ah. How?
Markups. Whenever we have all those school events, I’d just add money on top. So let’s say I’m supposed to pay ₦10k for something, I’d ask for ₦30k.
Ehn? Where did you learn that?
My daddy is a spendthrift. He used to say “all my money is in my pocket”, I mean it makes no sense but… hahaha.
I wonder who else is like that.
Me, hahaha. I’ve actually had to learn to be different from him because it’s really bad. My daddy can have ₦200k in his pocket, let him reach the gate and come back, pew. My mummy says that I and my dad just carry money and burn it.
What about uni though, did that change?
Ah, I went to a private uni and they gave me my school fees – about ₦400k. I blew everything and gave my father stories. Like, I can’t even remember the story, but my dad was so upset. I was a very somehow person. This was around 2009. See, I can’t even have a child like me.
So you learned this from your dad too?
Where my dad used to work, there were allowances for his children’s school fees. My dad would take all our school fees, markup the amount. He’d put the school fees higher than the maximum amount allocated, so they’d just have to pay him everything. That’s how I learned how to do it.
You’re your father’s daughter.
Yes, and that’s how I remember money growing up, it was just there in abundance, not something you hoarded.
Did it ever reach a point where it flipped?
Yes! It was so bad! I hated that new life. I felt sorry for my younger sibling’s because it hit them while they were still in secondary school. Me and my immediate younger sister – we’re the first two – we’d sailed through and gone to the best secondary schools and universities.
For me, it hit when I was trying to get my life together. This was around 2012. I’d just dropped out of uni where I was studying computer science.
How did you find out things had gone south?
First, my dad was angry with me after I dropped out, so I wasn’t his favourite child anymore. He said I was spoilt and didn’t appreciate the things they did for me. Everything else was going downhill at the time.
We had up to four or five cars. I’d just come home one day like to find out one had been sold. Then we’d ask for certain things and they’d say, “we can’t do that now.”
I imagine this scarcity triggered a new mindset.
Yes. Before, I always thought that there’d always be money. And it’s not like we were rich-rich o, but my dad made sure we didn’t lack anything at all. We always flew, never went by road. We went to the best schools.
I know I’m my father’s daughter, but it was this period that made me realise I didn’t want to be like my father. I think I was mad at him because I felt like he could have saved. Or invested. Or something. And all of this was what triggered my enterprising side.
How did that happen?
First of all, I changed my mind and decided I wanted to go to do something else. Flight school. But my dad was like, you want to go and waste my money again? So I had to get a job. My cousin’s boyfriend was like “oh she’s really smart” and then he recommended me for a job. They didn’t even ask me for my CV, I just resumed.
A flex.
It was a real estate company; I was cute, young and could speak plenty of English. They paid ₦50k. This was around 2013. Funny thing is, my dad used to drop me off at work every day. I was there for about four or five months. I got bored.
So what did you do when you left?
I started my own company, a cleaning service. It still feels like one of my biggest achievements. I learned that the companies where I was were more into commercial cleaning, so I turned to domestic cleaning. You’d register and a cleaner would come and clean. I was so involved with it. In fact, I actually learned how to clean like a pro, so I was the first cleaner. My biggest staff strength was about 8 or 9 at the time.
The real money maker was cleaning government offices. When I made my first million, I almost ran mad.
Mad o!
Funny thing is, when I started, my dad used to troll me. But when he saw that I was serious, my dad was the one hooking me up with clients. “Oh my daughter does this” everywhere. He even gave me his car to use for business runs.
But the business no longer exists today?
Yeah, I eventually got money for flight school.
From the business?
It was a mix. I got money from family and friends – I don’t deserve any of them. It was a lot of money. One of my dad’s friends gave me ₦1 million – my dad spent that money. This was 2014.
Inside life.
My dad actually gave me the documents to some land he owned. He asked me to sell it, then take back my money. The land was like ₦4.5 million.
So when I sold the land, I told the person to pay the money directly into my school’s account. Then he paid some in cash to me.
You…used your father’s money?
My father threatened fire and brimstone, but I was already out of the country. The good thing about him is that he doesn’t stay angry for too long.
Do you deserve your father or does your father deserve you?
We deserve each other. I’ll use dollars to explain my school fees. Is that okay?
Sure.
Everything was supposed to cost about $100k. I left in 2014, just when the naira’s value was beginning to suffer.
I didn’t have the complete cash, so I just paid for what was possible. What I could pay was about 50% of my fees, which was about ₦4-5 million. And by the time I could pay the balance, what was supposed to be 50% was now back at 100% because the naira had crashed.
I left Nigeria with about ₦4-5 million in just tuition money. This didn’t include accommodation, tickets, feeding. And when I got there, I got stranded.
Oh wow. How did you un-strand?
My mum sold her land and sent me money – and that land was precious to her. Then I started writing to my state government. While the bureaucracy was happening, people in government would ask me what my next stage of training would be due for payment, I’d tell them and they’d send me money. We toiled. In fact, there was a year where I had to come home because there was no money to continue.
So, I’m like a community project. I put in work, but so did my family, my friends and my state government. Finally, in 2018, I got my licence.
You did it!
I used to dream of wanting it so bad. When you dream of wanting something so bad that you become scared you might never get it, it starts to feel like a nightmare. When I got my licence, I was relieved, but it was quickly followed by a “now what?”
Getting a commercial pilot licence is just the start. You have to get something we call a type rating. It’s a certification to fly only a certain type of plane.
So, like a driver’s licence but for planes.
Yes! I have only one, but it’s for a small plane. That cost me $30,000. I paid for that in 2018. I got $20k from my state government and $10k from my friends.
Who are your friends?
Like! They’ve really come through for me over the years! Someone sent me $2k while I was in flight school and had run out of money! I have a very loyal community. I tend to get a lot of help from people.
Anyway, I got certified in 2019. Luckily, someone had just bought a plane of the same type I had the type rating for. A private jet. Someone took me to a person, who then took me to a person, who took me to the owner of the plane. I didn’t even start immediately, because there wasn’t an opening. And that was the beginning of my journey into Corporate Aviation.
Well done! What next happened?
There’s another important aspect of my financial life that I didn’t mention. Someone I was dating. He used to be like, “you can’t keep using that spendthrift excuse. Learn to manage money, it’s a muscle.” So he started teaching me how to save. He calls it the 30/30/30/10 formula.
Also, I get a lot of tips at work, and that’s where flexing money really comes from.
What’s the highest tip you’ve received?
$5,000. Anyway as I –
You can’t just say someone tipped you $5,000 and then keep going as if nothing happened.
Buhahaha. We danced and celebrated, and he became our favourite flyer. Oya, back to my ex.
Back to your ex.
I didn’t want to save my tips, but because of my ex, now I actually save 70% of it and spend 30%.
I wanted to start spending money on assets and investments, but he taught me that you have to have at least a year’s worth of living expenses saved. Then you need to build a buffer, which is my actual emergency fund.
So, he was the defining period of my financial life. I have budgets now. Even after we broke up, I still continued learning more. So now, I’m focused on cutting down on my expenses and creating multiple streams of income. Right now, my only stream of income is my salary.
Talking about salary.
My first salary as a pilot was ₦500k in my observation stage. Then when I started flying, it got upped a little.
How much was the upping?
A million naira.
What an upping.
That’s even low. The problem is that people aren’t talking about their salaries, so you don’t know who’s earning a lot and who isn’t. I know someone in another company with my level of experience who’s earning ₦1.7 million per month. By the time my million came, I’d already flown enough hours to sit on the right seat. But I’m just going to focus on learning more.
How many hours do you think you have in total?
I got out of school with a little over 200 hours. Now it’s about 500. Progress!
What does 500 flight hours mean?
It means you’re a baby. I’ve met pilots in Nigeria with 8,000 flight hours.
What’s a misconception people have about pilots and money?
That pilots are rich. There’s comfort and there’s being rich. Pilots are comfortable, but seven out of ten times, the lifestyle makes them live above their means.
What happens if you quit your job now?
I’m fine. I’ll start worrying after about six months. But I’ve also taken on more responsibility, that means I increased my benevolence budget to 15% and cut down on my disposable income by 5%.
For example, I have a daughter now.
…
Adopted. I just really love her. And it was just one night I met her o. I added that 5% because of her and I send it for her welfare.
What’s something you want right now but can’t afford?
A new passport that’d make it easy for me to quit this current job and see more of the world. My passport budget is about $150k. I just need a passport that makes it possible for me to live wherever I like.
Do you have any health insurance?
My emergency fund is my health insurance. It’s currently at $20k sitting in a dom account, but it’s not just for me. It’s for my family too. I also have another $7k I want to use to invest, but I don’t trust high-risk investments. I feel like you need to get money to a certain point before you start thinking too much about investments. Right now, I’m just thinking of how to grow my capital base. Should I sell something online? Should I Airbnb my house?
I find it interesting, the role your relationship played in all of this.
To be honest, every relationship I’ve been in always has some of that. I tend to gravitate towards people who are smarter than me, more creative than me, well-to-do. I probably don’t even see it inside the relationship, but when I leave, I’m like oh wow.
What does financial freedom look like to you?
First of all, my siblings will be sorted. They have their own steady and dependable stream of income. I don’t want to be the only tree in the compound. Once they’re comfortable, my parents will be mostly fine because their needs have become fewer. All my mum ever says is “just take care of your siblings.”
Then be able to afford to live a traveller’s life, comfortably. At this point, I’ll be working because I enjoy it, not because I need it to survive. I won’t be using the money for much else. No kids – they’re too expensive. I already got an IUD that I intend to keep in for 10 years.
Interesting.
I always play down how much I earn, it saves you stress. This is the first time I’m sharing it with anyone that isn’t my sister. In fact, the only reason my sister knows my details is that if for any reason I die, I want them to be fine. So she knows where all my money is, she’s also my voice of reason.
On a scale of 1-10, rate your financial happiness.
8. There was a time before that it got so bad that I didn’t think I’d get a job. Neither did I think I’d be comfortable. I feel like it’ll get to a 10 when I can go and see the world. I just need a passport that will save me from visa stress in one of those island countries. The taxes are lower, the citizenship is cheaper.
Her whiteboard.
I’m happy with my life right now, and it’s not just about money, it’s my peace of mind.
I feel…grown.
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We can all that agree that realising you’ve been cheated on is never a good feeling, but sometimes, the way you learn about your partner’s infidelity can add insult to an already painful injury.
So, we decided to ask a bunch of Nigerians to share how they discovered they were being cheated on. From unlucky coincidences to guilty confessions, here are 7 of the best answers we got.
Ada, 29/Female/Straight
The babe and I are actually birthday mates. He brought cake and gifts to my place in the morning, then told me he was on call and would have to see me the next day.
Meanwhile, he’d organised a surprise birthday dinner for her in some fancy restaurant that night. A friend of mine was on a date there and sent me that “Is this not your boo?” text.
She even sent pictures and a video of the girl entering and everybody shouting, “Surprise”. All his friends that had texted me “Happy birthday, our wife” that morning were all there.
Samuel, 29/Male/Straight
This happened a while ago, but it’s still paining me. My ex and I were uni sweethearts — we dated for our last 3 years in school. I planned to marry her, and we’d actually discussed it.
It was during our convocation that I saw her real fiancé. The guy even bought her one big car to celebrate her graduation. Imagine being the broke side dude for 3 years and not even realising it.
Maryam, 24/Female/Straight
Both of us and a group of friends went out for shisha and drinks one night. Even though I was really high, I eventually noticed that my boo was missing and everyone was acting really weird.
When he didn’t show up after a while, I decided to leave. While we were driving out of the car park, I saw him fucking another babe in a car. My brain didn’t even properly process it until we’d left the place.
Williams, 22/Male/Gay
I was at my boyfriend’s place one day and a friend of his came over. He introduced me to her, we talked for a bit and after a while, I decided to go for a walk.
I came back thirty minutes later, and the doors were locked, the windows were closed and his neighbours were quietly cheering him on. That’s how loudly he was cheating.
He eventually opened the door and realised I’d been there the whole time. He later told me that she was actually his babe and they’d been together since before we met. I didn’t even know this nigga was bisexual.
Joy, 27/Female/Straight
It was my ex-fiancé. He was supposed to return to Nigeria on a particular day, but he didn’t call the day before or even after he returned. His number was switched off.
Then one day, he called me with a strange number to get information about something he was working on. He ended the call immediately I gave him the information.
I later called the number and realised it was the babe he had told me not to “worry about” when we were together. He had apparently been in Lagos with her since he got back.
Reni, 20/Female/Straight
He told me he had a business meeting, so he left me at home with his laptop to watch a show. He completely forgot that his WhatsApp was still linked to his laptop
So, I kept getting notifications as he and the babe were coordinating their rendezvous at a bar. I didn’t even get to enjoy the damn show he recommended.
Doyin, 24/Female/Straight
I had a silly argument with my boyfriend and he stopped picking my calls. I knew something was up immediately. A few days later, he resurfaced with an apology and we planned a weekend getaway.
We got to the hotel and he said he needed to get something, so he left his phone with me. He got a message from a babe, so I opened it and pieced together that he had hooked up with her the week we fought.
When he got back, I acted completely normal, but he still asked if I was upset with him. Right in the middle of making out, this guy whispered in my ear, “I slept with someone else last week.”
He said he’d left his phone unlocked so I’d read the message and he wouldn’t have had to confess. But since I didn’t seem like I had, he felt guilty and couldn’t get an erection.
Don’t ask me why, but I wrote a post imagining what famous Nigerian meals would say if they were in the dating scene. How kinky would they be in bed and how would they turn down people they didn’t like?
1. Boiled yam
Not a surprise to anyone that has ever eaten it, but Yam likes it a little rough.
2. Fried yam
The kinkiest of all the meals. Fried yam really loves choking its partners.
3. Fried rice
More than anything else, Fried rice loves getting spoiled by the people it dates.
4. Eba
Eba loves it when you swallow. 👀
5. Agbalumo
Depending on its mood, Agbalumo can be a sweetheart or a tyrant. You never know when you could get slapped.
6. Suya
The vainest of all the meals. Suya is always looking for who to tension.
7. Shaki
If you touch Shaki when it’s not in the mood, it will fully spit in your eye.
8. Moi Moi
Moi Moi just needs you to take it out of that dress it’s wearing and go to town on it.
9. Agege bread
Agege bread loves being wooed. If you want to make it happy, you have to toast it properly.
10. Beans
Beans only cares about being picked by the right person. It will throw other meals under the bus to make it happen.
Create your perfect partner — from their height to their occupation — and we’ll let you know how picky you are. Do you have modest standards or are you reaching for the stars?
Let’s forget about the kind of partner you want for a minute and focus on the kind you need. Thankfully, this quiz has the answer. Should you be with someone spontaneous or someone patient?
How big is your heart? Do you have enough love for multiple people or are you only built for one partner at a time? Well, this quiz will figure that out and tell you what kind of relationship works for you. Is it monogamy, polyamory or something else?
If the Nigerian you’re interested in dating does up to 7 of the things on this list, bounce them. If you’re already dating them, then you need to immediately block them everywhere, change your identity and leave the country.
1. They turn old stew into jollof rice.
These ones never let things go. You’ll be having the exact same argument for 3 years straight.
2. They eat jollof rice with stew.
These ones are never content. They will cheat on you within the first week of your relationship.
3. They sacrifice the first layer when peeling onions.
These ones are impatient. They will break up with you if you breathe too loudly.
4. They tear pure water bags from the middle.
These ones are sociopaths. They might just kill you in your sleep.
5. They mix 3 or more different soups together.
These people will never be satisfied with just you. Prepare to share them with your entire estate.
6. They don’t wash their hand properly after peeling yam.
These ones are just dirty. They will give you a few STIs within a month.
7. They eat the first and last slices of bread.
These ones don’t have standards. They will cheat on you with someone much uglier, and we all know that’s the one that pains the most.
8. They start eating the dodo before they’re done frying the rest.
These ones don’t have self-control. Don’t be surprised if they end up sleeping with most of your family members.
9. They re-heat cold noodles.
These ones are cultists. Stay way from them.
10. They eat their meat first.
These ones are chaotic. They will scatter every single aspect of your life.
11. They choose salty popcorn at the cinema.
These ones are just wicked. That’s the only explanation. Do you want to be with someone that has a black heart?
12. They boil their egg and Indomie in the same pot.
These ones are greedy. If you even smell a gift throughout your relationship, it will be by accident.
13. They like semo.
These ones simply have terrible taste. They are not to be trusted.
Students in Nigerian universities have stories to tell, but hardly anyone to tell them to. For our new weekly series, Aluta and Chill, we are putting the spotlight on these students and their various campus experiences.
A lot of things in life are fleeting. I might be wrong, but quite a number of relationships that happen in University don’t stand the test of time.
The subjects of this week’s story are students at University of Lagos, and they share their most memorable breakup stories.
Monica — He was in a relationship with 7 other people
I was in a relationship with this smooth talker sometime ago. I was convinced that we had a future together. He asked me to be his girlfriend with a poem. I don’t remember the full content, but it included something about how I was the one for him. Also, there was a line about how he loved me so much because his mother and I share a name.
However, a girl always called him every time he was with me. Of course, he downplayed it and claimed that the girl was obsessed with him. He was very open about our relationship, so I didn’t think I had anything to worry about.
My instincts, on the other hand, were on overdrive. The urge to get the girl’s number got too hard to ignore and I swiped it off his phone.
One day, I got really anxious and texted the girl. I asked her if he knew the man I was in a relationship with and she confirmed that she knew him — my boyfriend was also her boyfriend.
It was a big revelation, even though I took it as calmly as I could. I explained the situation to the girl. For some reason, she didn’t believe me. When I sent her all the receipts and pictures, she still didn’t think they meant anything.
I decided that we were over that night. I went to sleep with a testy eye and a heavy heart, with no clue how to get over him. The following morning brought more unnerving revelation. I woke up the next morning to see 6 different ladies calling him out on Twitter.
Apparently, he wrote the same poem for all of us and gave us the same corny story about us being namesakes with his mother.
Michael — We couldn’t make a long-distance relationship work
I was in 100 level when I started dating this girl. She was in her second year at the time. A little over a year after we started dating, she left the country to study, and she was going to spend 5 months there.
We probably should have ended it there, but we didn’t. We decided to give a long-distance relationship a shot, and it worked for 3 months or thereabout. After that, things started to go downhill. We couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong exactly, but it was clear that things weren’t the same anymore.
Luckily, she got back not long after. That was a lifeline. We talked things out and sorted everything we thought was wrong. We were still going — even stronger — and life was good.
Unfortunately, I had to travel out of the country too — I would be there for two years.
After I left the country, I realised that I needed to be free from the relationship. I was in a new country and discovering new things as I went, so I guess that I grew out of the relationship. We tried to keep it going for as long as we could, but it was only a matter of time. Eventually, we called it quits. On some level, I think I was relieved. The fate of the relationship was sealed the moment I left the country.
I started going out with this guy when I was in 100 level. We hung out a lot despite that we were in different faculties. Our favourite was to do was to go to the movies. It was my first relationship — there wasn’t any previous experience to compare it with, but I thought it was good.
My problem was his unwillingness to go to the extra mile for me. He was aloof for the most part. I was very big on celebrating important events like birthdays and Valentine’s Day, but he couldn’t care less about them. Also, he didn’t tell anyone that we were in a relationship. However, I didn’t turn any of this into a big deal.
And it probably wouldn’t be a big deal if he didn’t start to drift away from me. At this point, school had started to get hectic for me, yet I made sure to check in on him at every chance I got.
Things got to a head when one of my closest male friends saw him in the company of some girls and narrated what he saw to me. The way he put it, my supposed boyfriend was flirting with other girls.
This heightened my distrust for him. It didn’t help that we were barely talking to each other at the time. After a while, I realised that I couldn’t keep up with it anymore.
Surprisingly, he didn’t take it well when I told him I wanted to break up with him. The news riled him up. To be fair, he wanted us to give it another go. I was done, and that was all that mattered. It was my first relationship and it was great for a while, but I knew that it was time to keep it moving.
Tosin — I couldn’t get past his weird obsession
When I got to university, I was reunited with this guy I knew from secondary school. We were friends, so when our paths crossed again, we decided to be more than that. It didn’t take long for me to become deeply attached to him.
There were a lot of night walks to all the cool spots on campus. It was clear that we enjoyed each other’s company.
I’m not sure of the exact moment when this happened, but I realised that suddenly, I wasn’t crazy about the kind of guy he was. For starters, he was always posting a shitload of sexual content on his WhatsApp status. I’m not a prude, but the frequency with which he did this bothered me.
It triggered my trust issues and I found myself wondering what he was up to when I wasn’t there. When it became too much for me, I talked to him about it, hoping that he would appreciate that I was open with him and maybe get a grip on his obsession with nudity.
I got it all wrong. He got defensive about it. I would have let it go if he didn’t tell me that he wouldn’t mind blocking me if I wasn’t cool with his posts.
From that moment, I lost a lot of interest in him and the relationship. However, I decided to keep up appearances. Besides, I lived for our evening walks. Unfortunately, our walks couldn’t save the relationship. When it became clear that he didn’t really care about how I felt, I knew I had to kick him to the curb.
I took the easy way out, though. I started to withdraw from him. It became easy to forget that he existed. Whenever he wanted us to hang out, I would give some silly excuse to make sure it didn’t happen. Eventually, we drifted apart to a point where neither of us could claim to be in a relationship with the other, and we haven’t looked back since.
Can’t get enough Aluta and Chill?Check back every Thursday at 9 AM for a new episode. Find other stories in the series here.
After letting you know exactly how romantic you are, we are back to tell you the KIND of romantic you are. Are you a hopeless one, a logical one or just simply romantic? Well, we have the answer.
Cheating doesn’t always have to feel like a big betrayal. If you follow this simple guide, we promise you that all the partners you cheat on will appreciate your tact and consideration.
So, here are 11 ways to cheat respectfully.
1. You can cheat, but you must never get caught.
This is the most respectful thing to do. Cheat oh, but hide it well.
2. You can sleep with someone else, but never take off all your clothes.
The less of your body the person can see, the less serious the cheating is.
3. You can sleep with someone else, but make sure the lights are off.
Same logic applies here. If you didn’t see it, did the cheating really happen?
4. You can sleep with their friends, but never their best friend.
All their other friends are fair game, but the best friend is off limits.
5. You can sleep with a relative, but never their sibling or parent.
Cousins, uncles and aunties are allowed, but you have to draw the line somewhere.
6. You can sleep with other people, but only one round at a time.
Multiple rounds make the cheating too intimate. One round is acceptable.
7. You can cheat without a condom, but make sure pulling out occurs.
Respect your partner enough to pull out/not get nutted in.
8. You can cheat with their co-worker, but never their boss.
Respect them enough to not scatter their career.
9. You can cheat anywhere, but never on the bed you share.
The floor is fine. The kitchen is fine. The bathroom is fine. Just free the bed.
10. You can cheat with an ex because it’s not adding to your body count.
This doesn’t even really count as cheating.
11. You can cheat, but you must always feel guilty.
Feeling bad about cheating is the ultimate form of respect.
Figuring out your love life — whether it’s dating or potentially tying the knot — is not an easy feat, but Zikoko is always here to help. So, we’ve graciously gathered 11 of our most popular relationship quizzes to help you sort it all out.
It’s a question that gets asked a lot: What do you bring to the table? Well, this quiz knows the answer to that — in the context of relationships anyway. Find out if it’s your money, your emotional intelligence or nothing at all.
Finding love as an adult in Nigeria is no easy feat, so it comes as no surprise that these absolutely insane posters are the only things that feel adequate enough to capture the struggle.
1. When all your friends are in relationships, but you’re still single to stupor.
2. When you see someone finer than you flirting with your crush.
3. When your crush looks different in pictures than they do in real life.
4. When your friends see you trying to get back with your ex.
5. You, when you haven’t had sex in forever:
6. When you start falling for a Yoruba demon.
7. When your friend breaks up with their glucose guardian and you step in.
8. When your ex sends an “I miss you” text.
9. When that annoying man in church comes up to you like:
10. When your friend bad mouths the person you like and then goes and marries them.
11. When your babe traps your destiny with her cooking.
12. When your side piece is waiting for your main bae to mess up.
13. When you’ve been dating for years and still no ring.
14. You, after finding someone who isn’t completely terrible:
Does the idea of committing to someone excite you or completely terrify you? Well, this quiz knows precisely how commitment-phobic you are. Take it so you can warn anyone who might want to date you.
A few weeks ago, we created a quiz that accurately graded your sex life. Now, we want to see what grade your love life deserves. Have you had a lot of meaningful relationships (a coveted A) or have you been saddled with a bunch of shitty ones (a disappointing F)?
Toxic relationships are one of the nightmares of adulting. They are bad for your health all around, but sometimes it’s not easy recognizing that you are actually in one. Because we are like your internet guardian angels, giving you all the guides you need to navigate this adulting thing we decided to make this list to help you put things in perspective. If the things on this list sound familiar then it is time to boot. Here are 10 signs of a toxic relationship;
1. You give way more than you receive.
You’re allowed to give in relationships. But if you’re the person doing the most, making all the compromising and going all the way, it’s actually not healthy. You deserve as much as you give.
2. There’s no trust.
And it’s not just you being paranoid and overreacting. You’ve seen enough red flags to have whatever trust you may have had fly right out the window.
3. There is Abuse.
Abuse is always a big red flag. Once it enters the equation you need to japaa. Asin, run. And run away from the relationship. It’s not just physical abuse, there’s also verbal and emotional abuse. Do not subject yourself to either one of them.
4. The relationship negatively affects your self worth.
Good relationships should make you feel good about yourself and make you feel valuable. If a relationship most often leaves you feeling worthless, that relationship is toxic.
5. There is No support from your significant other.
If you’re not supporting each other then what are you doing? Life is hard, that’s why God created relationships. So you can have someone to remind you to make lemonade when you keep getting served lemons.
6. There is constant Disrespect.
And we don’t mean the usual “big head”, “ode” talks. We’re talking actual disrespect, the kind of comments and insults that obviously come from a place of spite and leave you feeling genuinely insulted.
7. It’s a Judgment zone.
Relationships should be judgment-free zones. It should be the one place where you are accepted as you are. If you are constantly getting judged in yours then it is toxic.
8. The relationship makes you feel a certain way about yourself.
And this certain way is a bad certain way. Good relationships should make you feel good about yourself.
9. You keep having to lower your standards.
If with each level of the relationship you keep having to lower your standards to accommodate new lows then something ain’t right. You’re growing backward.
10. There’s always drama.
The only place drama belongs is telemundo, not your relationship dear. A toxic relationship always comes with a ton of needless drama, almost every conversation somehow degenerates into an avoidable fight because there is deep-seated resentment no one is confronting.
Breakups are never a straight forward thing. It’s admitting to yourself that the forever you were talking about has expired in 3 months. Not an easy thing to do. Here’s a list of some of the most common types of Nigerian breakups.
1. The one where they break up with you.
A.k.a you got dumped. It’s usually painful and sometimes humiliating. Sometimes it’s entirely out of the blues, you drop a #couplegoals picture with a sweet caption on IG and then come on Whatsapp to see a paragraph detailing why the relationship is no longer working. Other times you see it coming and you’re like “Oh finally”.
2. The one where you break up with them
A.k.a you dumped them. It feels good sometimes but it also earns you the “wicked ex” title. You become the reason why somebody’s child no longer believes in true love and the inspiration behind the tweets they make going forward.
3. The one where you both just ghost each other.
With this breakup you just ghost the very existence out of each other. There’s no formal “it’s over” talk, no search for closure, just a mutual agreement to agree that the other person no longer exists.
4. The formal breakup.
This is the one where there is an actual breakup speech with closing remarks and sometimes a vote of thanks too. Sometimes it’s cordial other times Twitter hears about it complete with shocking details about each other’s private lives.
5. The informal breakup.
They one where they drop the message in the most belittling way. Or you just see them on a comment thread on twitter representing team single. Somebody whose number you saved with an emoji o. When you chat them up they hit you with a punchline from this list.
6. The breakup that spans over days.
This is the kind of breakup that spans over days because you are both still trying to talk over a lot of things. It’s a process. You both don’t really have closure yet so you keep meeting to talk about it and probably complicate the entire thing further.
7. The breakup where you both cuss each other out.
When you catch them cheating and you just lose your shit and cuss the hell out of them. And then you shout “It’s over” in case they didn’t get the drift.
So that’s 7 types of Nigerian breakups, which have you experienced?
