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Every person who drifts into our orbit has some effect on us. Some small, some big. The most likely to leave huge impacts are the people we are in relationships with. I spoke with five men who told me heartwarming stories about how their partners have changed their lives.
Feyi
Before we started dating in 2019, I was nonchalant and carefree about a lot of things I should have taken seriously like school, planning and routine. I preferred to go with the flow instead of making long-term plans and this caused me a lot of anxiety. When I started dating her, she changed all of that. I’m more deliberate with my decisions and I’m taking my life more seriously. She has also taught me to be emotionally intelligent and better at properly articulating my feelings.
She’s a writer and I’m trying to emulate that, even though I suck at it. She’s a lesson in resourcefulness. She always knows what she’s doing and has a handle on everything. I could go on and on but my life had been transformed for the better since I met her and I still have a whole lot to learn from her. I love her very much.
Laide
Before she came into my life, I used to be bad at managing money. I could hardly account for my money. When she came into my life, she made me account for every kobo. She taught me how to manage my money and avoid living lavishly. She’s also taught me to be patient and changed how my thought process about things. I’ve become more serious with my plans because she makes me accountable to them.
Lekan
My partner makes me feel less insane. My sense of humour is very silly and weird but my partner laughs at all my jokes and makes jokes at the same frequency. He makes it easier for me to exist, I think that’s the best way to explain it. We’re very different people in so many ways but very much the same in all the ways that matter. I love that I can vocalize all the things in my head, even the half-formed things and he helps me make them make sense. He goes out of his way to fulfil all my irrational Disney-esque desires in a relationship. I don’t think my life has changed per se, he just makes it easier for me to live in it, easier for me to exist in this skin and reality of mine without feeling stupid or uncomfortable.
Yinka
We’ve been together since I was in 300-level, 8 years ago. I used to be laid back, preferring to go with the flow rather than make plans. She made it clear that she had certain goals and aspirations and she wouldn’t compromise on them for anything, including me. I knew she was the person I wanted to be with, so I realised I’d have to make adjustments to my life. I became more serious with my academics and set life goals for myself.
My worldview has also changed from when I used to hold archaic notions. She’s a feminist who made me think more intelligently about social issues and I’m a better man and partner for that. Yet, the biggest impact she has made is that she’s provided me with a reason to be better. I just want to be the best man and partner I can be for her. Also, she’s beautiful so being able to go out with her as her man does wonders for my self-esteem.
Mark
My babe has made me a more emotionally intelligent person. I used to place a lot of premium on being a logical person. I’ve learnt softness without feeling like I’m less of a man, and how to be a human being. I realised that sticking to logic makes me come off as cold and unfeeling. You can’t always be rational about life.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: This Relationship Has Made Me More Conscious Of My Privilege
Bisola*, 28, and Boye*, 29 have been dating for ten months. Today on Love Life, they talk about being an interabled couple in a long-distance relationship, navigating people’s intrusive curiosity and why they’re meant for each other.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Bisola: My earliest memory of him was in primary school. He was a year ahead of me.
Boye: I don’t remember her from primary school. My earliest memory is when we met on Twitter in 2020.
How?
Bisola: So Boye has always been a wheelchair user, and that’s why I remembered him. Sometime in May 2020, he posted a video showing how he navigates his life in a wheelchair. The video went viral, and that’s how I found him — there aren’t many wheelchair users with that name. I sent a DM, asking if he went to our primary school. He said yes, and we started talking.
What happened next?
Bisola: We kept chatting. It wasn’t anything serious — occasional hellos here and there. One day, he said he was more active on Whatsapp, so we exchanged numbers. We continued talking there.
Boye: Our conversations were random and interesting. I am a big fan of Game of Thrones, and she had read the books, so we talked about that. We also talked about societal and political issues. It was nothing serious.
When did things get serious?
Boye: Whenever we chatted, I was usually on and off — I am notoriously bad at texting. I get a lot of messages because I’m in so many WhatsApp groups. This means I have a lot of unread messages. After a while, Bisola and I didn’t speak for a bit. She sent me a message, but I didn’t reply to it for weeks. She sent another message and I apologised, but it happened again. She sent a message saying, “Clearly, the fastest way to chase you away is to stay in touch.” I apologised again, and this time, I pinned her chat on WhatsApp. This meant no matter what happened, I’d always see her chat. This happened mid-September last year; we’ve talked every day since then.
Bisola: Wait, let me add more clarity to this. He wasn’t responding on WhatsApp, but we were still talking intermittently on Twitter. So now and then, he would reply my tweets and I would reply his. On his birthday, I wished him a happy birthday on Twitter, and we started chatting. At some point, he asked why we were chatting there when we had each other’s numbers. That’s when he went to WhatsApp and saw that he had missed my messages.
Boye: And I pinned her chat.
Bisola: Yeah, so we kept talking. All this time, he wasn’t in Nigeria. He came to Nigeria in December last year, and we met for the first time since primary school. It was at his house. I brought him a gift — a bunch of random things he liked. We had talked so much so it didn’t feel like we were meeting for the first time. Also, I met his mum, his two brothers, his sister and her fiancé. There was no room for any awkwardness. We saw each other almost every day after that. He was in Nigeria for about three weeks, and just before he left, he popped the question.
Boye: It was kind of obvious to us that we were going to end up dating because we got along well. We were just waiting to see each other. When I came to Lagos, we spent almost every day together. I am quite traditional, so I asked straight, “Are you my girlfriend or are you not my girlfriend?” Let’s know. She said yes.
How has the relationship been so far?
Boye: It’s been great. I come to Lagos a lot, and she comes to London a lot as well. I think every month since January, we have spent time with each other for like a week or two.
It’s been fun. We debate a lot, but we don’t argue. We don’t fight. We have shared interests. We’re both intellectual people, and we talk about social issues a lot. Just general good vibes, you know.
Sounds cool. What’s life like as an interabled couple?
Bisola: It’s been eye-opening. People with various disabilities have to navigate a world that’s not optimised for them. I’m more conscious of my privilege — I don’t worry about a lot of things he has to consider.
I’m also always expecting a reaction from people when we are together. It may not necessarily be a negative reaction, but I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. When I told my friends about him, I made sure to tell them that he was a wheelchair user before they met him, just so nobody’s shocked and we can maintain normalcy.
My work in this relationship is understanding disability, recognising my privilege and doing what I can, if the opportunity arises, to help other people living with disabilities or less privileged.
Boye: For me, this is all I have ever known. I’m quite independent. I don’t rely on anybody for anything and I do everything myself. The thing that stresses my relationships most is what people think or say about them. People often ask how the relationship works – they ask very intrusive questions. It’s a normal relationship to me, but to everyone else, our relationship is something inspirational. The only difference between this relationship and others is people’s attitudes towards disability. This is what governs their predisposition to what they think relationships should look like.
What’s the best part of the relationship?
Bisola: Boye is an amazing person and also an amazing boyfriend. He is very kind and thoughtful. I am really lazy — all I want to do is lie in bed all day and be babied. I love how he can do that for me. I love how comfortable I am having him do that for me because while I want to lay in bed, I am also fiercely independent. With him, it’s easy.
For the longest time, we kept waiting for the worst to happen because we couldn’t believe how good it was. You know how you get into a relationship and you have to do this and do that. That doesn’t happen here — we are just two people living their lives who have chosen to live it together.
Now I’m curious about how you navigated through your biggest fight?
Boye: We haven’t had a big fight yet. I am not an aggressive person, and I don’t see the point of a fight. I believe that everything in this life can be sorted out with a conversation — either somebody changes their opinion or we agree to disagree. We can’t achieve anything like that with a fight. I am a big advocate of never apologising for how you feel because how you feel is always valid and so far we haven’t had a fight.
What’s your favourite thing about each other?
Bisola: I can’t lie, he makes the meanest ayamase sauce.
Boye: It’s my food I used to steal her.
She is extremely honest. She never minces her words. What she says is what she means. I appreciate clarity and honesty.
Do you have future plans for each other?
Bisola: I don’t know about him, but I want to marry him.
Boye: LOL. We will marry eventually. We’re not particularly young, so it’s pretty straightforward where we are headed. It’s not a case of let’s see where it goes. We have dated other people, so we know what we don’t like.
Rate your relationship on a scale of one to ten and why.
Boye: 11. It is everything I have always wanted, in terms of peace of mind, happiness, loyalty and friendship. We get along quite well, and our families do as well. I never feel like I have to be anyone else with her — I can always be myself.
Bisola: 11. This relationship doesn’t feel like work. It doesn’t feel like anything out of the ordinary. It is normal living with a special person.
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Not all relationships are smooth and sweet, some end with long-lasting trauma. In this article, five Nigerian women talk about their experience with toxic relationships.
Tife, 26, M
I met Bobo at a birthday party in 2017. At the time, I was in a relationship with someone else but we were on the verge of breaking up. I liked him from the moment I saw him and we got talking. He was a medical student in his finals. I was also a final year law student. I stayed in one of the female hostels inside UI and he used to come to visit me from University College Hospital. He came twice a week. It was lovely. I broke up with that person and started dating Bobo. I even told my mum that I already found my husband.
About three months into the relationship, I started noticing some childish behaviours. For example, one time I went to see him and I ended up sleeping in his room. We had sex that day and after it happened, he said, “We shouldn’t have done this. You seduced me. Even if I’m not strong enough to not touch you, you should be strong enough to stop me”. I was too shocked to say anything.
He also wanted to be right all the time. One time, he came to visit me in my hostel without telling me before coming. He just called me and said, “I’m in front of your hostel. Look sexy”. It took about 20 minutes to dress up and that upset him. He left and texted me saying, “I think we should break up.” I should have just agreed to it but I begged him. That was the beginning of a long emotional back and forth in the name of a relationship.
There was always a fight to be resolved and I was always to blame for everything. Every time we had sex, he blamed me. He would come to my campus, book a room at the guest house and still blame me for agreeing to see him in the room.
When he left medical school, he went back to his parents’ house, which was on the outskirts of Ibadan. One time I went to visit him there. It was a long trip on a hot day so I asked him for cold water as soon as I got in. He said, “There’s no cold water o.” I threw a tantrum and said, “You knew I was coming and didn’t put water in the freezer for me”. He got pissed, said he wanted to go and sleep. He suggested I go back to campus and offered to give me back my transport fare.
When I got back to school, he refused to speak to me. The silent treatment was normal in our relationship. Eventually, I apologized to him. He said I should learn some manners or else no one will marry me. There were a lot of other things. He loved sex a lot and always wanted to have sex with me everywhere — we had sex on top of Olumo rock. Asides from that, he would always say I was not enough for him and nothing I wore ever looked good enough for him. He always had a comment to make. I dated him for nine months and that time felt like hell.
When we broke up, it was because he stopped talking to me. He went for housemanship in Shagamu and I took a job in Abeokuta. He had gotten a car so I asked him to drive down to see me and he said I was being unreasonable. He was quiet for a while and when I asked, he said, “We should go our separate ways.“ It hurt for a while but eventually I was relieved.
IB, 25, M
My last relationship was like a drug. When I met my ex, we started as friends. We lived together during the lockdown for a month or two. He would say hurtful things to me in anger and later apologize. During the first month, he called me a witch. That day, I cried so much. Another time he woke me up by 3 am to shout at me because he thought I said I bought water but there was no water.
Over time, it became normal. He would say mean things to me and I would say things back. I became someone I couldn’t recognize. I knew it was wrong but I stayed. Every time we fought, he’d get me something I had said I liked. It was the first relationship I was in that anyone ever cared to buy me nice things. The gifts made me get carried away. Toxic relationships feel like getting high. The sex wasn’t even that great, but the thrill from fighting and making up was. Even after we broke up, we stayed together. I hated him but I spent a lot of time with him.
Things ended when I had to move back to Nigeria and it was my best escape. We don’t talk as much anymore. I haven’t dated anyone since it ended. I met someone I liked recently but she was exhibiting some toxic behaviours so I ended things. I can’t be in another toxic relationship.
Sophie, 23, M
We had known each other since my first year in university and in our final year, we started dating. He was the sweetest at first until I began to notice him snapping at me over the slightest things. He would argue with me until I was drained. He would never listen to my apologies but he expected me to forgive the minute he said sorry.
He also made it clear that his friends came before me. Whenever anything was going on with him, I would be the last to know. He would tell me he was sad and couldn’t talk to me but I would see him hanging out with his friends. One time, he said I brought him bad luck because when we started dating, his finances dipped.
Eventually, I broke up with him but I couldn’t stay away. He told me he was depressed and suicidal, so we kept going back and forth for almost a year after the breakup. I found out that he was only using it as an excuse to hold on to my money. He was addicted to gambling and that’s why he was losing money. He duped a lot of people of millions of naira. There was a bounty on his head and I didn’t know until someone reached out to me. I even defended him because I couldn’t believe it but then he duped a close friend as well. People would send me texts calling me names for being with him. He denied every part of it, of course, and he always had one excuse or the other.
It was all messy and it was a miracle I was able to break away. I didn’t realize how tired and sad I was all the time until I stopped talking to him and I’m glad I’m in a much better place now. I wouldn’t wish my experience on even my enemies.
Mercedes, 23, F
Toxic relationships don’t ever start toxic. For me, I thought she was the best thing to happen to me. I thought we were meant to be. After a few months, I noticed a few things about her. She would insult me and call it a joke. She went through my phone often and wanted to know everything I did.
I remembered reaching out to a psychologist on Instagram after seeing a carousel post that described my relationship aptly. It confirmed what I already suspected — the relationship was toxic but I didn’t leave then. I continued to project the image of a happy couple to my friends.
I agreed to almost everything she wanted because she would give me silent treatment when things don’t go her way. I know I played my part in the whole thing by remaining in that toxic cycle and pretending to everyone, even lying to myself that I was fine but I didn’t know better.
Anyway, the relationship ended with her physically attacking me. My shoulder got dislocated but I am glad it didn’t get worse than that. That incident was the eye-opener I didn’t know I needed. After that day, I packed my bags and left.
Bisola, 22
The relationship started fine. We were attracted to each other and I felt like I had met my person. After a while, it felt as if I was the only one in the relationship. He was the centre of my life meanwhile he would make plans without even telling me. He would go days without talking to me for no reason at all. When I pointed it out, he would say I was imagining things.
I knew I should have left early but he was also my best friend so I stayed for four years. Being in an emotionally and mentally draining relationship isn’t something words can explain because as a person, you’re trying to figure things out yourself. One of my major takeaways from that experience is that people shouldn’t hold onto potentials in relationships. Does the person have what you want right now or not? Are they the kind of person you’d want to be with right now or are you hoping they’ll grow into that image? Because sometimes, they never grow into that image.
When I was in JS2, I started dating a lot of people consecutively. I was never really single. I dated two best friends. I even once dated a set of twins and their elder brother. Most of them were older and bought me gifts, which was risky because I was young and lived with my parents. So they mostly gave me money. The thing is, I didn’t date them for the perks. For me, it was just another way to validate my existence and sexuality.
I knew men were attracted to me but the thought never excited me. So most times when I dated men, it was just to prove that I could get with whomever I wanted. I can’t count the number of people I’ve dated but I know it’s nothing less than 25. However, the number of those people that I actually liked can be counted on one hand.
I think another reason I started serial dating was that I was exposed to a lot of sexual activity at a young age. My parents were always in church, which meant that I spent a lot of time at church or with family friends. There was a boy whose parents’ house I spent a time in. One day, we kissed. Then it became a regular thing. Whenever he saw me going somewhere, he’d follow so we could make out. It could be to his room, my room, or the bathroom at church.
My first crushes were on two seniors in my school. A guy and a girl. The guy and I used to write letters to each other and meet in the library. He was very sweet. The girl, however, I just liked. What I felt for them never overlapped because it was easy for me to compartmentalise my feelings.
My very first relationship with two people at once, was when I was 16. The guy was my ex’s best friend, and the girl was my younger sister’s friend. They didn’t know about each other until the girl broke my heart. The guy saw me crying about it, and when he asked why, I told him. He left without saying anything. We eventually broke up.
I started looking for more ethical ways to date people when I cheated on my girlfriend in 2019. We broke up after I told her but got back together later. After that, we decided to try an open relationship. She told me I could sleep with everyone but this one girl but I slept with her anyways. She was my best friend, and I somehow always slept with my best friends. I think that’s when I figured that monogamous relationships couldn’t work for me, even though they seemed to be all that was available.
In 2020, I came across people on Twitter who posted stuff about being polyamorous and how they engage in multiple relationships at once. I realised that maybe that’s what I am. I never wanted to cheat. I just felt suffocated. For me, feelings for one person doesn’t mean fewer feelings for another. I consider my feelings for all of my partners completely separate. I didn’t practice ethical polyamory until 2021. Before then, it was separate relationships with people that weren’t aware of my other relationships.
The two people I’m dating now are both polyamorous and it’s been amazing. I enjoy their company and I’m completely in love with them. It feels more freeing than having to hide because not only are they both friends, they understand me. I wish I realised this sooner and was able to have better, healthier relationships.
For more stories on relationships and the many ways they come, please click here
Friendships provide some of the support required for us to bloom in life. In this article, seven Nigerian women talk about their platonic friendships with men.
Funmi, 22
I have a lot of platonic male friends. I find friendship with them therapeutic and less competitive than the ones I have with women. Also, men judge less. I feel freer with them. I feel like it’s safer to tell them secrets. Generally, the vibe is different and more lively with men.
Most importantly, because women and men tend to view things differently, friendship with men helps me develop other views about topics and gain insight into how men think.
Esther, 20
I have had, and still have great platonic relationships with men. Some of my oldest friends are men. However, being friends with men can become weird when they start saying shit about women. Most of the guys I’m friends with hardly do this, but there’s one or two who would sit down and say nonsense about women just because they can.
Being friends with men can also be interesting. Most of these hard guys are just babies on the inside — they just need someone to talk to and someone to listen to them.
Bliss, 25
Having guys as platonic friends is the best kind of friendship for me. I don’t have a lot of friendships with women because I find that I have very little in common with them. My male friends have pushed me at school, in my career, even financially. They also give me great advice. I’d pick guy friends over girlfriends any day.
Vanessa, 26
My best friend is a guy. We’ve been friends since secondary school. We attended the same boarding school. When my dad died, the teachers called him to the staff room to tell him to tell me because everyone knew he would know the best way to comfort me. 11 years and he’s still the best.
We argue sometimes but we never go a week without talking. People usually think we are dating and it has brought problems in some of our romantic relationships. One time, we kissed to see what it would feel like. It felt weird. We laughed about it and told each other we were never trying it again.
Olakitan, 20
For me, it’s an okay experience. Most times, they end up being attracted to you. It happened to me one time. We were cool and he was even one of my female friends’ exes. We texted often and then one time, he told me he had feelings for me. I tried to laugh it off but he said he was serious and he wanted to date me. I told him I wasn’t interested and he said he wasn’t in a hurry. The truth is I am not interested and I am glad he has not brought it up again.
Asides from this, I have other male friends who send me money without any attachments or expectations. They support me when they can. They’ve listened to me cry through heartbreak before.
Zee, 21
Honestly, platonic friendships with men can be quite frustrating. I have this male friend and he’s sort of my best friend. The friendship started platonically but I started to catch feelings. Hard girl like me.
He doesn’t feel the same way and he has a girlfriend so I have to go back to being just a friend. I also have to be happy for him because he has a girlfriend and he is happy. That’s what a good friend does, right? But deep down, I wish we were more.
Hope, 23
Platonic friendships with men have been a mix of good and bad for me. The friendships always start great but along the line, they become something else. The guys either want to date me or simply have sex. I have been accused of being too warm and sweet by two of my male friends. When the friendship ends because I am unable to reciprocate those feelings, I end up being hurt. It’s a painful cycle but I have learned the art of letting go.
Now, I have a few male friends who have remained friends and I cherish them. I no longer make new male friends because I can’t predict how it will end.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 35-year-old heterosexual man. He talks about how exploring unconventional forms of sex and chasing excitement helped him find sexual liberation.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 35-year-old heterosexual man. He talks about how exploring unconventional forms of sex helped him find sexual liberation.
What was your first sexual experience?
It was with a neighbour. We were in SS1 but in different schools. We also went to the same lesson classes. One day, we found ourselves in a room together and started touching each other. I don’t think there was sexual attraction, it was just a case of opportunity and curiosity.
Did it happen just once or… ?
Oh no. It happened for years. We never talked about it — it just happened. It progressed from touching to humping to sex. I was about 15 around this time.
Why did it stop?
No reason. It just did. The same way it started was the same way it just stopped.
How did your sex life progress?
Afterwards, I started having feelings — puberty and stuff. You know how when you’re writing WAEC in a Nigerian school, there’s a bit of freedom that wasn’t there before? That period was a sexual awakening for me. I would stay back after school to kiss girls and sometimes do a bit more. It was an exciting time. But it didn’t kickstart till perhaps university.
University was a whole new world. I had freedom like never before. I felt like a responsible adult, but I learned that being a responsible adult was tiring.
At home, I couldn’t even bring a male friend home. But at uni, I had a shared apartment and could bring home male friends and even female friends.
I hooked up with people and started doing casual sex as well.
Did you enjoy the sex?
Yes. It was pretty good. I’ll be honest; I’ve always had a good sex life. I think I’m good looking, people think so and I’ve always been able to get the girls.
At this point, I was having casual sex often enough. Then I got into a short-lived relationship.
Why was it short-lived?
The babe was annoying. It was stressful, especially since I was in a stressful environment — a Nigerian university. God forbid. So I ended it.
After this, I had a casual-sex-only period, then entered a long relationship. This one ended because I cheated on her. That was on me.
Why did you cheat?
I was bored. That’s not a valid reason for most people, but it’s the truth. I wanted excitement. A few months into the relationship, I was tired. I wanted sexual excitement, I wanted to be on my toes. Cheating had a bit of danger and a change of pace, so I did it. The cheating sex wasn’t all that, but that touch of danger was everything. She eventually found out because there’s nothing like a secret in Lagos.
How did that feel?
Awful. I did not want to hurt someone I loved. People never want to hear what the cheating person has to say, but I genuinely didn’t want to hurt her.
But you wanted sexual excitement?
I wanted danger and excitement in my sex life. Which by the way, was a thing I found out was essential to my sex life.
Can you explain?
I like penetrative sex. However, I easily get bored of it. It doesn’t wow me; it’s just like “6/10”. For a while, I didn’t quite know what was missing, but I knew I needed something to spice it up.
Did you find it?
Yeah, but I like to believe I’m still finding it.
Please explain.
It started with a bit of BDSM and role-playing. I dated this girl who was into it, and I realised I wasn’t as repulsed by it as I thought. So we gave it a go: she dominated me, I dominated her. That was when I first thought, “Yo, this is good.” After that, I started pushing myself. I stopped saying no to “unusual” forms of sex. It’s taken me a long time, but there are very few things that I can not get into. My main exceptions are things that involve waste products — knives, guns, creepy age play and rape play. I don’t do those.
What do you do?
Roleplay is a personal favourite. Pegging, BDSM, spanking, bondage, and frankly, most things. Like the saying goes, I’m here for a good time.
What’s your sex life like now?
LMAO. It’s popping. I have always had a good sex life, but now? Great. The best part is how I know myself now. In the past, I never explored. I just did what I thought was expected of me.
If someone had told me that one day, I would be okay getting dominated or having someone use a dildo on me, I would laugh and probably throw up. But I’m glad I explored myself and found my limits as well as my sweet spots.
What about relationships?
A lot of women don’t want to push the boundaries. They find a man who wants to do something, and they run for the hills. That leaves me with a very small dating pool. I’m okay with that. It’s a good way to filter people. I’ve been single for the past year, but before that, I had great relationships with women who were willing to explore themselves as well as explore me.
Do you feel like more men should try non-conventional forms of sex?
Absolutely. One hundred per cent. Not everyone is for it, and that’s fine. However, there’s nothing wrong with trying stuff out. How do you know it’s not for you if you’ve never tried it? Vanilla sex is great, but there’s so much more to life and sex.
How would you rate your sex life?
8/10. Great sex, but I do wish it happened a bit more and the pool was bigger.
Living with an anxiety disorder can be frustrating especially when in the company of those who do not understand it. In this article, ten Nigerian women living with anxiety talk about how it affects their relationships.
Bimbo, 25
I’m always scared that something bad has happened to my partner, so daily calls are a must for me. The worst thing a partner can do to me is to give me the silent treatment. I would be scared that they’ve been kidnapped or something worse. I broke up with someone a few months ago because of this.
It’s the second time it’s happened. He ignored me for about a week and when he messaged me, he said I said something he didn’t like. Meanwhile, I kept texting him and calling every day but he never responded. A part of me knew he was ignoring me but I thought he couldn’t do that to me — he knew about my anxiety. I couldn’t forgive it, I had to let him go.
Bibs, 33
I’m diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. In my previous relationship, I couldn’t talk about it because I was still trying to accept that anxiety was a part of my life. I used to hide my pills so they wouldn’t ask any questions.
In my current relationship, I started out not wanting to talk about it either and it was easier because it was a long-distance relationship. Whenever I went to visit her, I wouldn’t take my pills because I didn’t want her to find out but then I started having mood swings. Eventually, I told her about it.
It was heavy for her to handle because she had not met anyone living with anxiety before me. Sometimes, she would think I was overreacting or say, “it’s all in your head”, which was the truth but it wasn’t as simple as that.
I asked her to educate herself on anxiety and when she was done, she was more understanding — she avoided trigger words and helped calm me down in times of distress. I also try to be more understanding with her because I know it’s difficult. For example, my pills help boost my moods but it also affects my libido so we came up with a plan. On days where I don’t feel like having sex, she can touch me while she gets off on her own with my consent.
We navigate every day differently but it takes genuine conversations and understanding that the world isn’t as black and white as it might be portrayed.
Alex, 19
My anxiety comes from childhood trauma. I didn’t attend to it so now it’s way worse. Thankfully, I have friends who are accepting and understanding. Romantic relationships, on the other hand, have not been smooth. I’ve had someone leave me because according to him, I required an unreasonable amount of attention and it was too much for him.
Recently, I had an argument with this guy I’m getting to know because he felt like my anxiety is “our” anxiety. I’m an emotional person and I love being in romantic relationships but once doubt sets in, my anxiety and insecurities come alive. There’s not a lot he can do about that. I tried to explain to him that as much as I appreciate the effort, it’s not a battle we get to fight together but he thinks he can help me get through it. I don’t like the idea of that because I don’t want to rely on someone to feel better.
Tosin, 21
I have always been an anxious partner in my relationships. Any small thing triggers my anxiety — sometimes when we hug and go our separate ways and he doesn’t look back, I panic. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions every day. I want to end the relationship I have now but I will be sad. He has been understanding but I also think he doesn’t understand the gravity of what the anxiety does to me. I have lost weight because of anxiety. I have been trying to find ways to manage the situation better but there’s only so much my mind can let me do.
I pray about it now but I still experience anxiety. I think I am too attached to my partner so I’m working on detaching. I try to keep at most two days of communication space between us for a healthy balance.
Oma, 18
Being in a relationship when you have anxiety is definitely not a smooth experience. I always feel like I’m doing too much or bothering my partner so I distance myself from him sometimes. This has caused a lot of problems between us. I also withhold my emotions because I don’t want to scare him off. Plus, there’s the constant fear that he’s going to leave me because I’m not good enough. Bottom line is, an insensitive person can’t deal with this because he just won’t get it.
Chi, 27
Anxiety was one of the things that led to the end of my last relationship. He didn’t understand my mental health struggles and wasn’t willing to. The relationship deteriorated because of the constant fights we had. Things weren’t going well for me and it made my mental health worse. With all of the things I was going through, I still found the strength to be there for him because that’s what love is supposed to be about but he didn’t feel the same. I’m glad he ended things because it pushed me to seek help and I’m more in control now.
Now I am seeing someone who understands and it’s amazing. Even though I’m in counselling, my new partner always knows when I am struggling and is always there to listen. He is truly a blessing.
Jumoke, 25
I was in a talking stage with someone for a few weeks and one of the things I used to worry about was that this person absolutely refuses to wear seatbelts. They also wouldn’t call me back when they said they would. Whenever I didn’t hear from them, I would assume that they’d had an accident and died somewhere.
One time, my brother didn’t get home on time and I was panicking so much. I called this person and they told me to calm down and ended the call. I know not everybody can handle mental health issues but omo, I told them I couldn’t talk to them again.
Ayo, 21
When I was younger, I was sexually molested by someone in my family. Since then, I’ve been wary of men. It’s like a tiny part of me tells me all men are perverts despite the fact that I’ve actually met some great guys. There was a guy I liked for the longest time but I kept sabotaging things with him. I pretended that I didn’t care about him. I kept looking for faults in him, so I could convince myself he wasn’t that great. Suffice to say, things really didn’t go as planned. Anytime I thought of us in a relationship, I got anxious. I remember one time when I had a panic attack because I was thinking about what it would be like to date him. My entire family watched me hyperventilate and it scared them but I couldn’t tell them what was wrong because I felt foolish.
We were really good friends and I also didn’t want to ruin that. I suspect he knew how I felt but didn’t bring it up since I didn’t want to talk about it. I still wish we could be more than friends but I’m too afraid of what being in a relationship might entail. I look at my friends who have been in successful relationships and I wonder how they do it.
I wish I could be different. I want to know what it feels like to love and be loved but I’m also scared that no man would accept me after what happened to me as a child.
When I am in a relationship, I am not scared of things like cheating or how he pressed his toothpaste. Instead, I worry that my partner would fall out of love with me and this makes me withdraw. Any change in mood from my partner and I feel like his feelings for me have changed.
It’s frustrating and hard to explain. I told a male friend about this and he summed it up to me being a proud pretty girl. It’s even more frustrating when people I trust don’t believe that it’s not intentional.
Last year I met a guy online, he wasn’t in Nigeria so we communicated through WhatsApp video calls a lot. I loved talking to him but the panic set in and I started to pull away — I stopped replying to his messages as fast as I used to. When he brought it up, I ignored the message. I didn’t know how to tell him that I was worried he’d stop liking me and I’d be the only one in the relationship. Eventually, we stopped talking and I buried the feeling. Sometime this year, he told me that he thought I wasn’t interested in knowing him anymore. LOL. If only he knew.
Joy, 21
It’s as if I’m in constant doubt, no matter what he does or says. I always think my boyfriend is playing me and it has also caused issues in past relationships. Even in this relationship, I am always questioning what he does and what he says. One day he snapped and said, “Joy, you are pushing me. Why do you have to question everything I do?”
These days, I try to not let my triggers get to me. For example, when he doesn’t call or message me like he promised, I tell myself he’s probably tired and sleeping. Sometimes, I just make the call myself.
I believe in astrology but I don’t exactly live by it. Even though I know that the compatibility of signs does not determine the success of a relationship, I think of astrology as a guide. From my experience, Virgos can be very manipulative, selfish and dishonest.
I have been with Virgos twice and the experience was the same, I thought the first one treated me with little respect because I was dating him, it was worse with the second one, he was way more selfish and manipulative. He was not even a boyfriend, he was just my FWB.
So far, Geminis are the best people I have been with. I am also in a much better place now after my experiences with Virgos.
I do not like any Pisces, male or female, but the male Pisces are the worst. They always want to play the victim even when they have been the ones who hurt you. Pisces hurt you and come back to cry to you about how they are in pain because of their actions. I also find them to be very manipulative and emotionally draining.
They are dishonest to everyone, including themselves. Pisces also get attached very easily, I think that’s a little needy and immature.
I’m Cancer, I dated this Gemini dude when I was in 200L, we started off cool. I thought I had finally found HIM but he had been cheating all along. He brought another person who he told me was just a friend, but this same friend of his unknowingly to him was an old career acquaintance of mine. Long story short, they shagged while they thought I was asleep.
We broke 8 months later because he was caught having sex with an older man and got arrested by the Nigerian Police. His arrest really messed me up because I had to involve my family after our texts were found on his phone.
I didn’t take astrology seriously till I met a Pisces. I started reading about zodiac signs to understand her behaviour because a lot of it didn’t make sense. From my experience, pisces are quite dishonest and very manipulative, they don’t tell themselves the truth too.
According to astrology, our signs are supposed to be the most compatible, but I have been at peace since we went our separate ways.
Sometimes we get overwhelmed and make decisions we later regret. In this article, seven Nigerian women talk about why they regret leaving their ex.
Tomisin, 25
My ex used to send me not less than 50k every month. He moved abroad and after two months, he told me he has fallen in love with someone else. I was angry for a while but I eventually agreed to the breakup. Now I am broke and I miss him.
Efe, 22
I left him because I was young and I was too ashamed and worried about what people would think of me dating him. I didn’t want anyone to know I was in a relationship so I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. He was so good to me and I miss him. I often think of how things would have been today if I didn’t care what people thought.
Aisha, 31
I left him because he was hanging out with someone I didn’t like. I was angry and he knew that but he didn’t address it. That made me even angrier so I went to be with someone else.
I regret it because I realized I was still madly in love with him and so was he. We continued the relationship but we kept using other people to make each other jealous. When we broke up, we dated other people but we would cheat on them with each other. It was crazy. Our love was intense and sometimes I miss it.
Chichi, 24
I feel like I didn’t acknowledge the fact that they were quite rich while I was in the relationship. Now I need that money in my life.
Bimbo, 18
I felt the relationship was going too fast so I broke up with him. He asked me to meet his parents and in my head, I was like, abeg oh, I am just. So I left. But now I regret leaving him because I feel like I lost someone good to and for me. I think he was better than I deserved but it’s too late to get him back.
Tumi, 23
I miss her sometimes because she was the kind of girlfriend anyone would like. She was sweet and we talked very often. It was a long-distance relationship and she was always trying to control my decisions. She was also always asking for money and I don’t have a lot. I wasn’t used to any of it so I broke up with her. Now I miss her because sure, she is overbearing but isn’t everyone else?
Ebi, 21
My ex was the sweetest person ever. Even though she initiated the breakup, I didn’t fight for us and I wish I did. I stopped reaching out to her and moved on. I found out a couple of months after the breakup that she was dealing with some personal issues at the time and didn’t mean to break up with me. I feel like if I had paid more attention I would have known but I was thinking about how much she hurt me with the breakup. She taught me how to love and I will always be grateful to her.
Amongst the other things Twitter is to people — the source of information and access to opportunities, it is also a place to find the love of your life. In this article, eight Nigerian women talk about meeting their partners on Twitter.
Lili
My partner and I started talking on Twitter in 2016. He tweeted something about being irreligious and I found it ludicrous. I messaged him for his number and we started talking. We met for the first time at a creative event and remained friends. We slowly went from talking once in a while to talking every day. Occasional hangouts followed, and by January 2019 we had started dating.
Amaka
My boyfriend and I had been following each other for a while, but I don’t think we ever interacted until last year. One day, I tweeted that I needed a plug for something and he sent me a vendor’s contact.
A few months later, I deactivated my account because life was being a bitch. He noticed I was gone for a while and when I returned, he messaged me to check in. Checking in turned to hours on the phone. We both love music so we would listen to music together over the phone via Spotify’s group session.
A week later, we decided to meet in person. The morning of the meeting, he told me he liked me and I responded, “Oh, you do? I had absolutely no idea. It’s not like we spent hours on the phone depriving each other of sleep like we don’t have work.” That weekend was the best weekend I had had in a while. We started dating a month later and we are 10 months in now.
Omegie
I had given up trying to find a partner in real life and I felt like Twitter would be a better place to find love. I thought I could easily find people like myself whose values aligned with mine. My partner and I met in March. She wasn’t active on Twitter but we had interacted a few times. One day, I tweeted, “Like this tweet and I will tell you what I think about you.” She liked it and I messaged. We immediately clicked in a way I hadn’t with anyone else before. We moved to WhatsApp and started doing video calls. We officially started dating in May. Sometimes, I wish we met in real life because Twitter is where I hide from reality. I tweet all my thoughts unguarded so her having access to that makes me feel watched but she’s reasonable and understanding. We hardly interact on the timeline and I think that’s because we have a lot of other platforms that we talk more on. I go through our old Twitter chats when I need something to smile about.
Layo
My boyfriend and I went to the same primary school. We weren’t in the same set, so we weren’t in contact. One day, a video of him went viral and I messaged him to ask if he went to our primary school. He said yes and that’s how we started talking. We met a couple of times and it’s been great ever since.
Nene
Before my partner and I started dating, I had been seeing her tweets. She looked hot and seemed to have sense but I wasn’t sure she was queer.
One day, I texted her to say she looked familiar and that she is really cute. It turned out her sister and I went to school together. I thought it would be a turn off for her but it wasn’t. We kept talking and two weeks later, we went out together. That day, I realized that she was someone I didn’t want to ever be without. Every day, I experience love in new ways with her. It feels good to watch myself change positively.
Ella
When I relocated to his state, I put up a tweet asking people in that state to like it. He did that and commented. That’s how we became friends. Although we hit it off, we had no intentions of dating. This changed when we met a month ago and realized that we were in love. We have been dating for a few weeks.
Twitter suggested my account to my husband for him to follow. He said he looked at my profile picture and read my blog before following me. I saw his profile picture, and I followed back. He messaged to say hello and that’s how we started chatting every day.
We met up a few weeks later and it went well. We started dating shortly after. Now, we are married with two kids.
Ife
I followed my boyfriend on Twitter. His bio at the time was, “I am a lot of things.” I messaged him asking him to share some of the things he was. His reply was funny and the conversation continued. We talked off and on for about eight months. We started talking about feelings in January 2020. By February, we started dating.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year gay man who has a reputation for being a player. He talks about how his reputation for sleeping around is affecting his sex life and making him rethink everything he has done.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was 16, and it was with a boy from church. We were at a teen camp and kept exchanging glances. One day, when a session was going on at the church, I returned to the hostel because I was tired. I saw him outside his hostel, and we got talking. After a while, I went to sit at his bedside, then he touched me and then it just happened.
The things that went down at those camps.
See. I later learned that things like that happen a lot. We kept in touch for a while before we drifted apart — we didn’t have much in common, so it was bound to happen. This experience woke up something in me.
How so?
I knew I was gay before that happened but I had never really considered a relationship or sex with a man because I come from a very religious family so I hadn’t thought of that possibility. Before the guy and I lost contact, he told me how queer people in Nigeria like us use the internet to identify ourselves. This was back when Facebook was everything- so it was basically Facebook groups and eventually WhatsApp group chats – that’s how I found queer people and started making friends. And eventually, lovers.
Lovers?
Yeah, I flirted with several people after a while and eventually hooked up with some people. Those were some of my hookups with people and learning about sex and gay sex in particular.
Around this period, I slept with a woman for the first and last time.
OH? How did that happen?
So there was a girl at school who was being very flirtatious with me. One day, she texted me to come over because no one was at home. I knew I was gay, but a part of me was curious about whether or not I was bisexual. However, I went because I could. So I did.
How was it?
Oh my God, it was horrible. I was having the sex and thinking to myself, ‘I am hundred per cent gay, wow.’
Lmao. What did that experience change in you?
Not much. It just made me realise I was gay all the way.
Most of these happened in your teens, right? What was your sex life in your twenties?
Wild. In my twenties, I lived alone and started living. There was a period I had sex almost every day. And on the weekends, I was going from one party to an orgy to a sex party. It was wild to think of. I don’t know if I was trying to compensate for something, but I did a madness that period.
What switched between your teens and twenties?
In my teens, I was just trying to connect with my community and find people like me. In my twenties, I was trying to find love, to be honest. Unfortunately, I wanted that love with everyone. I saw sex as a way to connect with people. That’s what sex is to me.
Did you find the love?
A few times. They ended for different reasons. But the most recent potential one ended in a way that made me regret my history.
How so?
I met someone on Twitter, and we started talking. We went out on a few dates, we even had sex and were getting serious. Then one day, he told me we needed to end the relationship because it wasn’t going to work out. Guess why?
I have no guesses. Tell me.
Once people found out he was with me, they told him to ‘run o’.
Why?
Because apparently, I am an ashawo, a ‘manizer’. It hurt me, but it wasn’t an isolated accident.
It’s happened before?
Yup. And after. Sometimes, people even told my platonic friends to be careful because of my reputation. It bugs me so much, but I understand it.
Why do you think people talk about you like that?
Because it’s the truth, to be honest. That’s kind of the worst part. I had a very sexually active early twenties, and it can be misconstrued as me just being a player. Most people don’t want to be what they probably consider ‘notches on your bed frame’ or an addition to your body count, and they don’t want that to happen to their friends, so they try to warn them. I know I would probably do the same. However, that doesn’t make it less frustrating.
Does it make you regret having the kind of sex life you had in your early twenties?
Yes and no. Life would be boring if you lived it without exploring. I explored people and did exciting things that taught me a lot. That said, I wish I hadn’t slept with everyone I could. If I had maybe held back here and there, my reputation would probably be better.
How has that affected your sex life?
People who know of me tend not to want to sleep with me. The ones who do, don’t want anything to do with me outside of sex which can be very frustrating. I’m trying to reduce how much casual sex I have so that I can hopefully fix my reputation before it’s too late.
Do you know what your body count is?
Nope. It has too many zeroes at this point. If I knew it, I would probably feel the need to get myself mentally checked.
Why do you think you had that much sex?
Because I could. I slept with everyone who would say yes. I like having sex, people wanted to have sex. So in my head, I’m like why not?
What’s your sex life like now?
I’ll always have an active sex life but now I’m applying more discretion to who I sleep with. I have a friend-with-benefits and that’s it. It’s easier to control the narrative when only one person sees your nakedness.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
9. I’m having great sex regularly. What’s there to not to love? I just wish my sex history wasn’t negatively affecting my reputation and love life.
We don’t hear enough stories about men being heartbroken or dumped even though we all know it happens. Today, we spoke to four Nigerian men on the worst ways they’ve been dumped.
Tokunbo, 24.
I had this lady, we had been dating for about a year or so. I was still in uni then and one day she called me one day and told me she was pregnant and needed money. I didn’t remember having sex with her but we had done a lot of dry humping and you know foreplay but without sex. I was so scared that I didn’t even try to think, she was asking me for money for different drugs and food and I was sending it to her. I had given her over 50k. We were on a call one day and I heard someone in the background tell her to break up with me and that was it. She said “you probably heard that, that was why I called, I was never pregnant, I just needed money”. It still pains me till date.
Derek, 27.
So I dated this girl for over a year and things were really good. In my head, I was thinking ‘this is it, this is the one.’ One day, she just called me and said she has something to tell me, I asked what. She then said ‘I think we should end this, me I was confused and asked ‘end what?’. She then said this is why she doesn’t like me and then ended the call and that was it. I still don’t know why or what happened.
Chukwuma, 32.
A few years ago, I was dating this girl who was gearing to move to Canada to do her masters. I helped her plan and prepare, the plan was that with her there it would be easier for me to plan my move to Canada too. Anyways, after she travelled she called me once she could, then once again. After that, nothing. I called and called for days, texted, DMed, hell, I probably would have sent a raven if I could. Then one day, she started posting on social media. I still tried calling, no response. Next thing, I was blocked on all social media. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since that day. That breakup makes me go WTF till today.
Ayo, 26.
I discovered my girlfriend was breaking up with me because I saw her packing her boxes out of my house. You know how when you are with someone, eventually, they leave their toothbrush, their nightwear etc at yours? Yeah, she had all that at mine. One day, I walked into my apartment and she was packing all her things – she had a key by the way – and I was confused. I asked what happened and she said ‘we are breaking up’ just like that. I started asking if I did anything wrong, she didn’t answer me. She just packed her things and dropped my key and left.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
What’s dating a man like when you are also dating women? In this article, nine Nigerian women talk about dating men vs dating women.
Ini, 31
The first thing I noticed when I started dating women was how quickly we moved from talking stage to saying I love you. With women, it’s easier to put your cards on the table. With guys, we would go from the talking stage to guessing games, back to talking stage. Another difference is that with women, I don’t feel like anybody is waiting for the other person to make the first move.
During sex, women either know what they’re doing or are willing to learn and eager to please. You know they’re paying attention to your body. Every time I have sex with a woman, she’s constantly checking to make sure I’m okay and present. Finally, there’s a tenderness that comes with dating women that I don’t think I ever experienced with men.
Aduke, 23
Dating men is easier, but it’s not a better experience. I say it easier because men are cheap to be with. I don’t have to put in a lot of effort when I’m interested in a guy. With women, it’s completely different — I’m way more empathetic and considerate. Also, men are clingier than women but women are better listeners. Women have hurt me more, but it’s still women over men any day.
Aisha, 31
Dating women is way more awesome. Women have been more courteous and considerate to me. For example, no woman has ever just called me randomly on the talking stage. They always ask first, and I’d have to consent to it before they call. It makes me feel valued as a human being with emotions and choices. Men would just call. Some were even as bold as video calling without agreeing on a time with me. I find it creepy and inconsiderate. The worst incident was a man suggesting he come over to my place after just a few hours of meeting — a huge turn-off. Women extend the consideration I automatically extend to others. With men, dating feels like a chore.
Obehi, 35
I dated men briefly because society made it seem like I was supposed to. I wouldn’t do it again. At the time, I already knew I was a lesbian but it was not safe for me to be myself. I found dating men reduced my capacity to be myself. Too many things I love about myself had to be negotiated away or silenced for his ego or for the onlookers. My relationships with women have been and remain the most empowering, growth-filled spaces. Even in adversity, my partners and I have an unmatched level of emotional intelligence. We vibe, we encourage each other’s growth, we work well on projects together and individually.
Though I tend to avoid conflict, the women I have been with have made me feel safe to speak up. Finally, the sex is reciprocal and intimate. We cum as many times as we can handle.
Teju, 23
I prefer dating women to men. Women are more in tune with their emotions and I like that. I’m currently dating a man — I told him I am polyamorous from the beginning, and he said he was cool with it. But as time has passed, it is becoming more of a problem. My ex-girlfriend was more understanding about it.
Chioma, 21
I dated a stud and it was tough for me because sometimes, I felt like I was dating a man — she had this constant need to show strength; it was exhausting. The soft sweet side of her that I wanted wasn’t what I got.
I’ve also realised both men and women lie and cheat. I thought sapphic relationships were different, but in my experience, it was pretty much the same.
I can say for sure that dating women is better than dating men. With men, you need to know how to play games. You can’t just let your guard down because vulnerability is seen as stupidity. You need to follow all sorts of rules, but when it’s me and my woman, I can fully express how I feel without being seen as hysterical.
Also, women understand more that vaginas are not one size fits all.
Amaka, 29
I prefer to date women because they are more empathetic. Sex with them is better as well. Women are more expressive, so I don’t have to do guesswork throughout the relationship. We have better conversations, and I get to know them faster. In my experience, men lie too much. I am not saying women don’t lie, but I haven’t caught them, so no face no case.
Temi, 25
I would say being with women is more stressful for me. One woman was trying to get with me aggressively but stopped because she thought I was a baby gay. Another one wanted to cheat on her girlfriend with me. I almost gave in, but nothing physical happened and I ended up getting closer to her girlfriend. Last year, I was seeing this woman who was after my pocket. She always asked when I would take her out on a date or buy her stuff. I found it distasteful.
But guys are also stressful. I was seeing this guy who had just moved to Lagos but then work made him move to the UK. He said he couldn’t do long distance and that was annoying to me because he knew he was going to move so why stress me? Long story short, people are stressful.
I’ve always been utterly fascinated by people who cheat on their partners and have always wondered what happened or why they decided to. Luckily, my job allows me to explore this curiosity and ask questions and get to the root of things like this. So I did just that. I spoke to several people I knew personally as well as people I met over the internet who have cheated on their partners and here are some of the most interesting answers I got from six Nigerian men who cheated on their partners on why they did so.
Abel, 31.
I honestly feel people are mostly lying when they give plenty of excuses as to why they cheat. For me, it was a decision – a bad decision but still a decision. I was at a party and this girl and we clicked. I knew this was a bad idea but I took her over to mine. I know I was aware enough and made that decision, there was no reason other than I was horny and saw an opportunity to have sex with someone attractive.
Charles, 24.
I’ve been in a relationship for over a year and I haven’t been faithful for about half of it. I know it’s a dick thing to say and do but after a while, people lose that special allure and you just want something different. I may cheat but I love her and treat her right. I just don’t think I can stay away from all the other many options of babes out there and I don’t want to open the relationship because I can’t imagine her being with someone else.
Eric, 26.
So what happened was someone was flirting with me heavily on Instagram and I wanted to say ‘no’ but he was fine and it felt good being flirted with like that. He eventually came over and we had sex. I can lie and say I forgot or any other excuse but I didn’t, to be honest. Anyways, it’s been months and he isn’t any wiser.
Harry, 29.
For me, it was actually simple. I wanted it to be an open relationship but when she refused, I simply went on to have an open relationship without her. I don’t have feelings for any of the girls I sleep with and I make sure they are people that are far removed from both of us to avoid drama. I don’t want to ruin our relationship but a closed relationship just won’t work for me so this is the best.
Derek, 27.
It happened when I was in my penultimate year. I cheated on my girl with this lady – let’s call her Lilian. I had been friends with Lilian longer than I’ve known my girl. And I’ve been trying to have sex with her since the first day I saw her. We would make out, she would talk and I’ll listen. We became close but didn’t have sex. All this while I was single and she was in between relationships. But on this faithful day, I went to see Lilian. Long story short she said ‘I need you now.’ We had sex but there was a problem, I didn’t nut. She came over to my house the next day and we had sex again and this time I was determined to nut but still nothing. The trippy thing though is I went back to school on Monday. Everything was sweet and smooth with my girl. When we tried to have sex, she went ‘did you cheat on me?’ I lied and said no because she had an exam that day. And the next day. Immediately after the exams, I told her and she was like ‘I knew.’ She goes why? and ‘can I see her pictures?’ I showed her and she goes ‘oh, you want bigger boobs or what’ or ‘is she freakier than me?’ I tell her ‘yes but that was not the reason I cheated’. Then she tells me she needs a reason and till today, I don’t have one.
Sam, 30.
We’d been together for about half a year, we’d met through a friend. It was great, he was smart and well-read. But then I realized he had a huge chip on his shoulder about our different economic circumstances. Also started to get the feeling he saw me as some sort of trophy. This was when he wasn’t making me feel undesirable. So yeah, I slept with his friend whilst we were together. We even all hung out together.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old gay man who recently discovered he is a side — a gay man who isn’t interested in penetrative sex. He talks about how this affects his sexual and romantic life and how he hopes to meet someone open-minded enough to know it’s not all about penetrative sex.
What was your first sexual experience?
It wasn’t consensual actually. We had a house help who would rub our genitals together and hump on me. I was nine and it went on for about two years before one of my aunties noticed that something wasn’t right. She immediately raised an alarm and the girl was sent packing. That was how I finally came to know peace.
That’s fucked up. I’m so sorry.
It’s fine. My first proper consensual sexual experience was when I was fourteen. It was with a guy I liked in secondary school. He was a year above me. One time, I went over to his and we kissed. That was when I had my first proper kiss. He was my first boyfriend.
Do you remember how it ended?
He went on to uni, then my family relocated. It made me sad that we didn’t keep in touch but I’m over it now. This was around the time I discovered masturbation.
Oh?
I think I was a late bloomer regarding masturbation. I didn’t know of it or start doing it till my mid-teens. I think other kids discovered it earlier.
Do you know why it took you longer?
I’m a very ‘mental person’. I exist largely in my head so it’s harder for me to do or connect with physical things like most people.
When you say you are a ‘mental person’ what does that exactly mean to you?
My relationships with people are very mental. I don’t know how to physically be present and enjoy or even really feel things. I exist in my head. I grew up alone and the only other person who was around me and that I would have connected with was the house help and because of the abuse, I couldn’t connect with her and had to close myself off from her. Now I don’t know how to leave my head and be physically present. With things like masturbation and even sex, it’s like I can’t turn my brain off long enough to get into them or enjoy them. So when it happened with masturbation, I was ecstatic.
Can you remember how it happened with masturbation?
I came across the word ‘masturbation’ and I was curious about it. Then I discovered porn and it kind of clicked. When I finally allowed myself to come, I was like ‘wow’.
Finally?
When I started masturbating, I never let myself climax. I just played with my genitals then stopped. One day, I went all the way off and it was magic.
LMAO. Fair enough. Do you remember any other memorable first time?
The first time I tried penetrative sex.
Oh? When was this?
When I was eighteen, I think. So I met this guy I had been texting on Facebook. The sex was not what I expected.
How so?
It was awkward. It didn’t help that the guy didn’t have a great technique and it was my first time. Before then, I had never had sex and all I knew about sex, especially sex between men, was from books, movies and porn. Let me tell you, it’s not at all the same.
I kept waiting for the moment I would enjoy it to hit, it never did.
Wow.
Yeah. I told my friends and they told me it was probably because it was my first time. I thought the same too for a while.
For a while?
I tried having sex a few times after that, and it didn’t quite hit. It bothered me for a while because I would get attracted to a person, flirt, go on dates sometimes, make out and even fool around. And I’d enjoy all of it. However when it came to penetrative sex? It never hit.
Did you have any partners around this time? How did they take it?
I dated two people. The first didn’t know — it was a short relationship — and I just pretended to enjoy it. I told the second one but he didn’t quite understand and that eventually led to the end of the relationship.
Damn, I’m so sorry.
Yeah. I stopped dating for a while because it felt pointless. It was around this point that I realised I was a side.
What’s a side?
Essentially, a side is a queer man who is not interested in penetrative sex.
Has it been easier since you made this discovery?
Yes and no. It’s great knowing that I am ‘normal” and that there are other people like me. However, being a side affects your chances of dating, having a serious or even a non-serious relationship. Sex — penetrative sex — is a huge part of dating and when that’s not on the table, your dating pool becomes almost none existent.
What’s your sex life like?
I don’t know if I have one. I’m trying to figure it out myself, I don’t know anyone who’s like me so it’s me trying to find guys who are open-minded enough to want to date someone who isn’t into penetrative sex.
These days, I don’t bother committing. I mess around, make out and sometimes have oral sex then just stop before they ask for more. People probably think I’m a player but in reality, I just don’t want to have to deal with rejection.
Have you wondered if this has anything to do with you always being in your head like you said?
I think it’s all connected but at the end of the day, these are things that make me the person that I am. I can’t change these things any more than I can change my sexuality. I do think I’m too in my head to be present to enjoy penetrative sex like most people but I don’t know for sure, what I do know is that this is me, this is who I am.
What do you think you need for your sex life to get to where you want it to?
To meet more people, even just one guy sef, who is open-minded enough to realise that sex doesn’t begin and end with penetrative sex.
On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your sex life?
Definitely a 1. It’s so unfortunate and trash to be honest.
If Bill and Melinda Gates‘ announcement has not already made you start rethinking this marriage thing, then at least come and find out just how long yours will last (or not).
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: Talking About Our Breakup Helped Us Find Closure
Abeni*, 22, and Ifunanya*, 26, met on Twitter and dated for six months. Today on Love Life, they talk about their relationship and why it ended abruptly even though it was the best one they had both been in.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Ifunanya: One day, I was scrolling on Twitter and Abeni posted a screenshot of her Instagram page. She said she was rebranding and we should follow her there. Before then, I didn’t know how I followed her on Twitter. I went to her Instagram and followed her there as well.
Abeni: I saw a picture of her on Twitter and was like, “Who is this person with this bold energy?” Her picture was giving me life. I think that’s how I followed her on Twitter.
How did you two go from being followers to friends?
Abeni: It was during the lockdown.I tweeted about yoga and she sent a message that she would like to try it. We decided to do a session together. That night, we got on a FaceTime call. It was supposed to be about yoga, but we ended talking about everything else. That long call became something we did every other day.
Ifunanya: She’s lying. It was every other hour. We were always talking to each other. I had three crazy jobs at the time, but I still made time to talk to her. At some point, we both knew that we wanted to be in a relationship with each other. On my end, I was asking myself if I was ready to date again. My last relationship had ended so badly I didn’t want to rush into another. I took some time to process my feelings and one day, as soon as I woke up, I texted her, “I am ready”. She didn’t get it. I had to remind her while we were on the phone that I said I was ready. That’s when she realised and we became official.
What was dating like?
Abeni: Before we became official, we were already in a serious relationship in my head. But soon after, distance started to tell on us.
Ifunanya: It was hard. Some days, I would want to talk to my person, but the network would be so bad we wouldn’t be able to have a conversation. We tried regular phone calls, but it wasn’t the same as seeing her face. One time, she fell sick and I was scared it was COVID-19. Communication during that period was hard because she was too tired to call, and I couldn’t travel to see her. I was crying all the time. Another time, I broke down because I was overwhelmed at work and she wasn’t able to comfort me how I would have liked because she lived in a different city.
Abeni: I think the lack of physical intimacy and consistent communication sort of made our emotional bond stronger for me. After the travel ban was lifted, she visited me twice before we broke up.
Why did you two break up?
Abeni: It started with the level of communication on my part. Being in a relationship as intense as what we had was new for me. I felt like I had to do everything in my power to protect her. I always wanted to make her happy. Looking back, I realise that I should have shared what I wanted as well. Instead of communicating what I needed, I would tell myself what I was receiving was okay. For example, I was uncomfortable about how much she talked about her ex. I felt like there were some things about the relationship I needed to know, but at the same time, I didn’t want to know everything. I couldn’t tell her that I didn’t like it. It was as if we were living in different worlds. One day, she called me out on my lack of communication and that’s how the relationship ended.
How so?
Ifunanya: Honestly, I didn’t know she was not telling me certain things until the second time I went to see her. She was acting strange. I could tell she wasn’t saying something to me. When I returned home, I asked her what was going on and she reassured me that nothing was wrong. I remember texting my friend about it and she said, “Things can’t be smooth all the time.” I agreed, but in my head, I just knew we were over.
I got tired of waiting for her to say something other than “I’m fine”, and I called her. I explained how her behaviour in the past week had been affecting me and asked her to please tell me what was wrong. She apologised for not being able to communicate better, then said she had grown tired of the relationship and didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I understood being tired, but I didn’t understand why. I tried to talk more about it, but she wasn’t saying much. That period was frustrating for me.
After three months post-breakup, we talked about it. We didn’t blame each other for our breakup. That conversation made us realise that we both did things along the way that led to our end. We understood that both of us were just trying to represent ourselves. She wanted to be heard as much as I wanted to be heard.
Abeni: That conversation was a breakthrough for us. I was in a good place, and so I was able to take responsibility for my actions. Initially, I was defensive. The conversation made me feel lighter.
Ifunanya: Same. I felt like it was the first time you really talked to me. I had so much anger towards the breakup, but after that conversation, I was able to let it go. I knew she wouldn’t deliberately hurt me, but at some point, she had to choose herself and that meant hurting me. I just needed her to tell me that. I remember feeling like I was floating for the rest of the day. It was a good place compared to all the pain I had in my heart before.
What’s the relationship between you two like now?
Abeni: Last time we had this conversation, we decided we weren’t friends, but we are getting there. Sometimes we are fine having a conversation, but then I see her tweets about her being sexual with other people and I feel a rush of emotions. Ifunanya is someone I carry in my soul. I know she’ll be there, and we can work out a friendship or something in the future. But I love where we are right now.
Ifunanya: I still can’t follow her on social media. It’s just too much.
Abeni: LOL. Ifunanya is quite risqué on social media. Funny enough, we send each other funny tweets or Instagram pictures, but I think we will follow each other when we are ready.
What was the best part about your relationship?
Abeni: I had never felt love like that before. There were no doubts. It was all softness. Sometimes it felt like it was too good to be true. It was intense yet sweet. I learned a lot about myself being with Ifunanya. She always hyped me and made me feel great. My feelings were validated. She was like my twin, but one I was attracted to. LMAO.
Ifunanya: LMAO. I actually get it. Our synergy as a team was great. We both work in the creative sector. Both of us understood what creating good content takes. While we were together, we both had shitty jobs that took a lot of our time, but we helped each other with it. She would research ideas for my strategy plans. Whenever we created content calendars for the brands we worked for, we would share them with each other so we could recycle the content. I would edit her emails and anything else she wrote. The best part was that when we were physically together, nobody was hounding anybody for staying too long on their phone. We both understood and respected each other’s work.
What was your favourite thing about each other?
Ifunanya: I love the gap between her front teeth. I hate mine, but I think hers is sexy. I love her face too. She’s a gorgeous person. Abeni, you are a spec.
Abeni: Thank you. I think everything about your physical appearance is beautiful. Apart from that, there’s a way she carries the people she loves, and I love that about her. I also admire her strength.
Would you do it again?
Abeni: To be honest, yes, but I would do certain things differently.
Ifunanya: Same, but I think we need to be in different places in our lives for it to happen again.
Rate the relationship you both had on a scale of 1 to 10
Ifunanya: 6. This is the best relationship I have had in my adult life. For me, I feel like there was some growing we should have done before being in a relationship with each other.
Abeni: 7, because the relationship was great and it’s one I’d never forget, but certain things could have been done differently. It sucks how things ended.
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The subject of this week’s sex life is a 32-year heterosexual woman who is tired of having sex. She talks about her very sexually active 20s and how today, nothing about sex excites her especially sex with her husband.
What was your first sexual experience?
In secondary school, there was a guy that I would go to preparatory classes with and we would sneak to one side of an unused class and pretend to be reading. After a while, he would put his hands down my skirt and finger me. We did it for a long time, we never talked about it during the day and we never pushed too far. However, one time I gave him a handjob.
How long did this go on?
About a year or so. I didn’t want to cross the line of penetrative sex because my family was religious
How religious?
My dad is a senior pastor, and my mother was the chairwoman of the women in her church district. My grandfather was a pastor too and my eldest sister is very religious.
It’s basically a family business.
When did you ‘cross the line’?
When I got to university. It’s funny how I didn’t want to ‘lose my virginity’ till marriage — I wanted to be special and all — but I lost it to a one night stand.
How did that happen?
I met this guy at a friend’s party and we clicked well. He was smart and fun and I was into his everything so we exchanged numbers. We talked for a while and one day, I went over to his place and we had sex. I can’t even remember his name. But I have no regrets because I was old enough to have sense. It was a conscious decision to lose it and I was aware enough of what that meant.
That sounds –
I also blocked his number immediately after.
Oh? Why?
I heard that some people have a level of ‘power’ over someone if they are the first person they had sex with and I didn’t want to risk it so I made sure it ended there and then.
What was your sex life like after that?
In one word, wild. After that experience, I wanted to experience it in all its flavour and omo, it was a ride. For three years, I was a free agent. I had fun, had sex, sometimes even regularly with one person. I even tried things with a woman, did an orgy, tried BDSM. I don’t think there’s anything sexual – that isn’t too dangerous or disgusting – that I didn’t try.
And during this period, you didn’t date anyone?
I eventually did, I dated two guys. I’ve never been big on relationships and commitment. I still don’t think I am. I dated someone for two months and the next person I dated has been my husband for two years. We dated for one year and eight months. I kind of got married out of boredom.
Run that by me again.
Lmao. So I had a really fun hoe phase for a while then stopped. After this, I dated someone – the person I dated for two months – and went back to my hoe lifestyle.
After a while, I got bored with all of it. I still had sex but it wasn’t as exciting to me. Then I met my husband. He is the sweetest guy in the world, but man, he is boring.
How so?
He doesn’t try new things, he is’t fun and random in the way I am and I wish he was. I’ll send thirst traps and his replies are very boring and meh. I have to physically drag him out for us to go out. I’m the opposite.
Why did you marry him if you guys are so different?
Stability. He is a rock, extremely stable and always there for you. At the time, I had lost my mum and needed something or someone to fall back on. And it was him and marriage. I sound like I hate it and him but I don’t. I love the man but I wish he could excite me more.
How has that affected your sex life?
If I blow down my vagina, I think dust bunnies will rise.
Wow.
I’m kidding. We do have sex, but not as often as I envisioned I would be having sex as a married woman. Like twice or thrice in a month and it’s just usually just okay.
Considering how sexually active you used to be, does this frequency bother you?
So mine is an interesting case. Before I met my husband, I had a bit of a depression where I wasn’t having sex as often. I was bored of life and sex. The depression left but my sex drive didn’t return. Sometimes, I wonder if I used up all my sex drive and libido in my 20s and now in my thirties, It’s very meh.
What’s your sex life like right now?
Honestly, compared to my 20s? Non-existent. Like I said, my husband and I do have sex but it’s like once a week or every few weeks and it’s not exciting to me. I find it hard to blame him because I feel like it’s a me-issue.
Why do you think so?
My husband might not be the most exciting person but it is my sex drive that is gone, not his. He has always been like this from what I gather. Last year, I tried cheating on him and when I got to the place, I didn’t feel anything. So I left. That’s when I realised my sex life problems were my fault.
Have you talked to your husband or anyone about it?
If I tell my husband, he’ll think I’m attacking him for being boring or something. If I tell my friends, they’ll think I just want to have my hoe phase again which isn’t true. So I’m thinking of seeking therapy.
Do you have a theory why this happened?
Maybe I’m still depressed but don’t know itor I’m a late-blooming asexual person. I frankly don’t know.
How would you rate your sex life?
Don’t you need Sex Life to rate it? I guess one or two because sometimes I have sex with my husband. I miss when sex was a thing I yearned for and when I used to get orgasms. God when next?
In March, Kachi* messaged me to say she had a story for me about her relationship with her mum. We had a conversation and here’s what she told me:
The relationship I have with my mum is the kind of relationship people have with their sisters. Maybe it is because I am all she has and she is all I have. But I think even if I had siblings, we would still be close because she is not like the typical Nigerian parent. First of all, she is only 43 and has a small stature like me. When we walk together, people often assume we are siblings. There are some things she does though that may mimic the typical Nigerian parent, especially when it concerns religion. She is the kind of Christian that replies “You’re not dead in Jesus name” to jokes. She takes church seriously but has never pressured me to do the same. These days, we talk about the holes in the Bible’s plot and misogynist pastors.
Some people accuse her of indulging me too much. This makes no sense to me because I was also spanked as a child. She pays them no mind though because she prefers civil conversation. She grew up in the typical Nigerian home where there were unspoken rules you could not break and she did not want that for us. When I was about 7, she stopped trying to correct me with her hands but we still have our fair share of fights. One time, we used to fight a lot about me going out. We would argue for hours but we eventually found a way around it. She explained her concerns about my safety and how she misses me when I’m gone so I try to be home early. I also gist her about what happened where I went so she doesn’t feel left out.
In the typical arrangement in a Nigerian home, children are not allowed to talk back to their parents but my mum and I fight like agemates. We would sit down and talk deeply about our issues — who went wrong, why and how we can be better for each other. If I say something hurtful to her, she can tell me about it and vice versa. She does not believe in avoiding apologies so when she is wrong, she won’t do things like cooking my favourite food or giving me money as other parents do. She would apologize and make sure I am okay. After resolving a fight, we hug and call each other best friends.
My friends always tell me how much they like her. I understand it because when I go to their houses, their parents are always so stiff. They just greet and that’s all the interaction they have apart from scolding. In my house, they are free to talk to my mum as they like. Sometimes, when they are unable to reach me, they call her. One time, she picked up the phone pretending to be me and my friend didn’t even notice. When my friends tell me that they can’t talk about guys around their mother, I can’t relate because my male friends can even call my mum’s phone to talk to me. Sometimes, she already knows who I like before I say it. This is because of how often we gist. When I like someone, I talk about them a lot. She would pick up on that and ask me without being weird.
However, there are some things I can’t tell her. I have always known that I am queer and I prefer being with women. I am still trying to make sense of a lot of things about myself so I try not to pressure myself with labels. It’s a secret I am hyper-aware of because my mum wants me to be more womanly and act my age. She says this because I hate hair extensions and only wear T-shirts and jeans. She thinks it makes me look like a teenager. But I am not ready for the heavy conversation we will have when I tell her. She will have a lot of questions I do not have the answers to yet. I will eventually tell her but only under different financial circumstances.
She works so hard and money is getting harder to earn. I do not want to tell her something that might destabilize her even more. I am very protective of her just as she is of me. She understands my emotions and respects them. When she notices that I am sad, she gives me space and offers comfort from afar until I am ready to talk about it. She doesn’t just jump to my defence when I tell her someone offended me. She asks for explicit details and uses the information to evaluate whether I am wrong or right as a friend would. When I am wrong, she points it out and asks me to apologise or do the right thing. When I am right, she asks me what I need from her.
In the same way, I look out for her. On one occasion, she was having issues at work and because she is a soft person, she broke down mentally. I asked her what was wrong and she told me everything. I was trying to be tough for her but it hurt me to see her hurting like that. I wish I could give her all the money she needs so she won’t have to face difficult situations. It is why I work so hard to make her proud.
You are planning on entering another talking stage or you want to permanently remain in the streets? Well, here are five places you can hide your mumu button so they can never trap you in a relationship.
1) Google meets comment section
This disappears immediately after the video is over. The next time you are having a meeting just type “Sorry, just need to drop my mumu button”. Solid plan 10/10.
2) In the bank
If you drop your mumu button in the bank, consider it gone for life. Every single time you want to try to retrieve it, the sight of the long queue is enough to make you go back to your house. It will also make you think twice. The person you want to retrieve the it for, are they worth standing under hot sun for?
3) At the bottom of your lip balm
How many people ever use lip balm till it gets finished? Just hide your button there and be glad knowing it will never get discovered.
4) Satan
One day in your room, just summon Satan and ask him to hold your mumu button. Tell him that if you ever want to collect the button back, you will perform a human sacrifice. Now, you will belong to the streets forever.
5) With someone else
I know this might seem ridiculous, but what is the worst thing that could happen if you choose to keep it with someone else? Just make them promise never to press it.
For more on what is inside this life, please click here
We have already written a guide on how to escape a talking stage, but that was for people who want to go straight to the relationship stage. However, this article is for those who know the talking stage is going nowhere and want to end it. Here’s a list of easy ways to end a talking stage that is going nowhere.
1.Tell them your pastor doesn’t like them.
Tell them you consulted your pastor about your life and your relationship and your pastor said they don’t fit into your destiny.
2.Travel to Canada without telling them.
They’ll get the memo when they can no longer reach you. You might think this is childish, but it seems like an upgrade to us. If you cannot afford Canada, you can easily take a bus to Abeokuta or Nasarawa. If you want to know how to get to Canada without a visa, we have a guide here.
3.Send them a 5 pages essay on why you can’t be with them.
By the time they see it, they’ll lose interest in reading it and talking to you. No one in their right mind would read it anyway. Make sure you have a summary at the end.
4.Post your wedding pictures on the internet.
If we’ve learnt anything from Yoruba men, it is this exact move. Who wants to be a homewrecker? No one, or so we think. Once they see your wedding photo, they’ll figure out the rest by themselves.
5.Get under someone
We don’t make the rules, the best way to move on from a failed talking stage is to get under someone. It can be someone old, or someone new, that’s up to you to decide. Seems like a perfect distraction if we are being honest.
They’ll leave you alone once they see you are a liability, a little shame for a bigger reward.
7.Block them.
We personally think this one is a little extreme, but the goal is for them to think you’ve fallen off the face of the earth. Block them everywhere and carry on with your life.
8.Legally change your name so you can have complete deniability.
If they mistakenly reach out to you, you can easily tell them that they are talking to the wrong person. Even when they try to argue, you’ll tell them that many people look alike and their confusion is not your fault. Not extreme at all.
9.Do plastic surgery.
This is very much like changing your name, but it’s more effective. It’s not like we are encouraging bad things, but you can feign ignorance when they see you in public. Sounds perfect to us.
10.Introduce them to your friend that you do not like.
The fact that you don’t like your friends doesn’t mean they won’t. Since your friend doesn’t like you too, they’ll be more than happy to steal your man. Win-Win
11.Start supporting Buhari.
If this doesn’t work, then you’ll know that person is very very scary and should not be trusted.
I am genuinely fascinated by relationship dynamics between Nigerians especially when it comes to giving gifts to their partners. So I set out to speak to as many Nigerian men who were willing to speak to me and asked them who the most generous partner they’ve ever had is. And the answers amazed me.
Here are some of my favourites.
Samuel, 26. We dated for about 6 months. She had a jewellery business and she was doing okay. I think her love language was gift-giving cause she couldn’t get enough of gifting me. She’d see something on the TL that she feels would look good on me and she’ll order it. She got me a phone because my phone went bad. At the times, I was depressed she’d take me out on getaways for days to get my mind off stuff. I was working at an investment bank and one time my laptop spoilt and she wanted to send me hers immediately. I started the gift-giving thing in the relationship but she continued and surpassed me even, I’ve never seen anything like that.
Eric, 25. I dated a girl for about a year and she spent most of the relationship just buying me stuff. On my birthday, she bought me an iPad and paid for a three days stay in Lagos. The funniest thing is she enjoys watching you open gifts and seeing your face. She would buy me things and be excited about me opening the gifts. At first, I thought it was an ‘I buy for you, you buy for me’ kind of thing where she was buying gifts for me and wanted me to buy bigger and better ones in the future but I eventually learnt that was not the case. She was at a very high earning job at the time and so could afford it, she left the country to pursue higher education before COVID-19 started. Yet, even as she is abroad and even though we have technically broken up, she still sends me ASOS and Amazon packages. Most of the shoes I wear today are from her.
Akin, 32. I had a girlfriend in Uni who would come over with food whenever she felt I was without food. She had a side business selling second-hand clothes to other students so always had extra money. There was a year where I couldn’t pay my fees because my parents were broke and so was I. She came over and told me not to worry and gave me her savings. I was dumbfounded because this woman was feeding me and taking care of me and still paying my fees. She still holds a special place in my heart.
Tolu, 30. I think my most generous partner is my current girlfriend. She doesn’t ever come to see me without a gift. On special days – Christmas, birthdays, valentine’s day – she goes all the way. Food, clothes, gadgets, babe doesn’t carry last at all. Sometimes it bothers me because I wonder if she thinks she has to buy my love and when we first started dating, I was worried she was using gifts to compensate for something but the other shoe is yet to drop so we move.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
The talking stage is the period of getting to know someone with the hope of it becoming serious. If you’ve been in one too many talking stages, and you’ve had enough, then this article is for you. Here are a few tips on how to escape the talking stage.
1.Tell them straight up that you want to marry them.
Yes it is.
Take them by surprise and take yourself by surprise too. You guys can get to know yourselves better in the course of planning a wedding.
2.Tell them that your pastor told you that they are the one for you.
The trick is as old as time. If God has said it, then so be it.
3.Give them the contact information of your previous talking stages.
Tell them to call your exes to find out whatever they need to know. If they aren’t pleased with what they hear, they can go.
4.Create a spreadsheet of all your life experiences and share it with them.
This is actually the easiest way to escape the talking stage. Once you meet someone, share the doc with them. If they like what they’ve read then you guys can proceed from there.
5.Tweet about everything that goes on in your life.
Make sure they follow you on Twitter first sha, if they follow you on Twitter then they’ve seen it all.
6. Have a voice note of all your relevant information.
This is just like the spreadsheet, but it’s for people that don’t like to read. There’s only a little difference between this and an actual talking stage, this one is just shorter.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Love Life: I Moved To Nigeria To Be With Her
Bibi, 33, and Kelly, 27, have been dating for about four years. In today’s episode of Love Life, they talk about how they met online and transitioned from a long-distance relationship to a live-in couple.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Kelly: I think mine is the first time we had drinks at a hotel in Dubai. I can’t forget it. Babe opened the champagne as we looked at each other. I was thinking, “OMG, we are actually here right now.”
Bibi: I feel bad because her answer is cute and mine is not so much. I got to Dubai before her, so I had to pick her up from the airport. When she saw me, she was so nervous and excited that her bag dropped from her hand. It was embarrassing.
So how did you two meet? What was before the Dubai trip?
Kelly: We met on Instagram in 2017. Someone made a pussy challenge post and Babe commented on it. I thought that even if she wasn’t into girls, she wouldn’t be homophobic.
Bibi: After the comment, I noticed that someone was liking my pictures. I checked the notifications and saw her picture. She looked nice, so I went through the rest of her page. I didn’t really understand how social media worked then because I went to watch her story, and I didn’t know she could see that I had viewed it. I posted a story a few days after that, she commented on it and that’s how we started talking.
Kelly: It’s not everybody you meet for the first time you start asking personal questions, but we clicked. She told me things about herself, and I told her things about me too. We couldn’t stop talking. It was when she had to go to work, that we realised how long we had been talking. She lived in Canada then and I was in Nigeria, so it was past noon when she had to go. We continued chatting and became really close friends even before the subject of dating came up.
Who made the move to go from friends to lovers?
Bibi: I was going through a bad breakup at the time and she was too. One day in the middle of our conversation, I told her I was going to marry her, that I felt like she’s the one. She said, “I bet you tell all the other girls that.”
Before that, I was trying to find out if she was into girls or not, so I asked if she had a boyfriend. She said no and asked me the same thing. Then I asked if she had a girlfriend and she paused — I could see her online, but she didn’t reply for a few minutes.
Kelly: You know how Nigeria is — you can’t just go telling everyone that you’re a lesbian.
Bibi: At the time, I was going through a tough situation with my ex. We had been dragging it out for months, and at that point, we had decided to let things go. But being who I am, I wanted to do it in person. I arranged for the two of us to meet in Dubai.
I told Kelly about it and she was sad, but I assured her that I was going to keep her in the loop. We couldn’t even stop talking. Throughout the Dubai trip, I was on the phone with her. After I ended things with my ex, we continued talking and everything just seemed great. It was obvious we liked each other and connected deeply, but I am the type of person that you have to ask out, so it wasn’t official yet.
In May 2018, I arranged for another trip in Dubai for me and Kelly to meet. It was a nice trip for both of us. I remember us watching the royal wedding and feeling so emotional that we started crying. As we were crying, Kelly looked at me and asked me to be her girlfriend.
What happened afterwards?
Kelly: After two weeks, I returned to Lagos and she returned to Canada. It was very sad for both of us because we realised that we were in a long-distance relationship. Every three months, Babe would visit Nigeria, spend a few weeks, then go back. One time in 2019, she spent two months and when it was time to go, it was really tough. It took about six or seven months before we saw each other again.
I knew I wanted to be with her, so we struggled together through it. Sometimes we would have fights and decide to break up because of the distance. It was hard, but we are here now. We’ve been living together for about seven months now.
How did that happen?
Bibi: Last year, I decided to come to Nigeria for Kelly’s birthday because we had never celebrated any birthdays together. I was supposed to visit again in December 2019, but I stayed back to work so I could raise enough money for a nice time together. Then COVID hit. I got an email from the flight company that my flight was cancelled and they didn’t know when they would be flying again. Shortly after, the lockdown happened and everything started crumbling.
Our fights got worse, and we weren’t sure if we were going to see each other again. When flights resumed, I got COVID and it was terrible. Babe couldn’t get to me and I couldn’t get to her. We started talking about what would happen if I passed on. I had COVID for about eight weeks, and even after I got a negative result, I was still down with post-COVID symptoms, so I couldn’t fly.
After I got cleared, I wanted to come to Nigeria, but Nigeria had banned international flights. There was a flight going to Cotonou but when you got there, you had to use a bike to get to the border. I booked it. I also found another flight going to a South African country; I booked that as well. I booked a lot of flights because I was desperate. I was getting ready for the Cotonou trip when I got an email that they had updated their travel rules — I would have to get tested in Cotonou and spend up to a week there before leaving for anywhere else.
How did you feel about that?
I was born and bred in Canada — I have never lived anywhere else, so I was really scared. Babe couldn’t come to Cotonou because of the travel restrictions in Nigeria. She was crying, worried about me going to Cotonou, but I was like, “Babe, we are going to do this.” Two days before the flight, I got an email that there was an emergency flight leaving from Canada and going straight to Lagos. In those moments, looking for flights, I realised that the most important thing to me was my relationship with babe. I decided I wasn’t even coming to visit anymore — I was coming to stay.
Right away, I bought containers and started throwing my belongings in it, but because I had been booking flights, I was low on cash so I couldn’t send my stuff to Nigeria. I was worried about it for a while but one day, on my way back from buying another container for my stuff, my neighbour saw me and asked if I was sending it to Nigeria. He said he was sending a bus to Nigeria and it was empty. He asked to ship my containers with his bus at no cost at all. I jumped on it even though Babe was skeptical.
I carried our dog, Coco with me and jumped on that emergency flight within a week. There was a lot of news about flights getting cancelled so I was really anxious about the plane actually moving. When the pilot announced that we were ready to take off, I was on video call with Kelly and just started crying.
I am claustrophobic. I get bad panic attacks I take medication for on flights, but that day, I didn’t care.
I remember coming out of the airport and seeing this beautiful, amazing person holding a bouquet of roses. In that moment, I didn’t even care that I was in Nigeria and people are homophobic; I ran to her and started kissing her. Everyone was looking at us. Some people even shouted. That’s how I moved here. I didn’t even tell people at my office I was moving. After two months they asked when I was coming back, and I was like, you’re never gonna see me again. LOL.
Was there any pushback from your family when you moved?
Bibi: My family knew about Kelly already. My brothers are her biggest fans. I didn’t want to tell anyone about it when I was planning my trip because flights kept getting canceled, and I didn’t want to put my family through that roller coaster.
After I boarded, I called my brothers and told them I’m going to Nigeria. They asked if I was going to be safe, and when I said yes, they said they understood and they loved us. When I got to Nigeria, I called my mom and the first question she asked was, “Where is Kelly?” I handed Kelly the phone. When she confirmed I was safe, she said alright, bye. They knew I was in good hands.
What’s the best part of the relationship?
Kelly: I have a friend. I know it sounds silly. I was telling her this morning that I never had someone I could be this open and honest with. We’ve been in a relationship for four years, and I’ve grown so much that it’s not just about us being partners, it’s about our friendship. Every morning I wake up and I’m excited to hang out with my friend.
Bibi: Aww. I have always been in relationships where I put everything in and didn’t get anything back. The best part of this is the matched energy. When we started talking, I told her every single thing about myself, even the embarrassing stuff. She was like my diary — I could go to her and pour everything that I feel without filters. Even when I do something wrong, I am able to tell her honestly how I fucked up and that’s very special to me.
What was your worst fight like?
Bibi: We’ve been in a relationship for so long but in reality, we haven’t because we haven’t been in the same space for a long time. Long distance relationships are perfect because conversations happen over the phone. I could call her when I’m upset and she would cheer me up, but she doesn’t get to see me on days I’m overwhelmed. When we started living together, we would have fights because we didn’t know certain things about each other. We got to a point where we believed that we were not compatible and decided to break up. I was going to move back to Canada and we were asking who was going to get the dog among both of us. It was a big deal, but she went on a walk and when she came back, we started crying.
After a while, we talked about why we were crying. It turned out we both really wanted to be the relationship. We accepted that we didn’t have to be the exact same person we were over the phone — we could evolve, and we had to put in the work for the relationship to work.
Do you remember what caused the fight?
Kelly: On my way to the gym, I was using my phone. I recently started driving and Bibi always tells me to leave my phone alone. That day, I hit someone with the car. It made a small dent.
Bibi: Don’t add small or big o. Just tell the story.
Kelly: I tell Babe everything, but I knew that one would make her upset. One day, she saw the dent and asked me what happened. I told her I didn’t know how to say it because she would be upset. She said I didn’t know her. I didn’t understand. I thought it was about the dent, which was a small thing to me.
Bibi: Driving distracted is huge to me because my brother died from an accident. When that happened, I felt betrayed. It wasn’t about the dent. I was worried that Kelly had something that she couldn’t tell me. I didn’t understand that she didn’t want to let me down. I didn’t see it from that angle — I was more concerned she kept it a secret. She was like, “It’s a car, I’ll fix it,” and I said it wasn’t about the dent. That’s how we started talking about how we don’t know each other.
What is your favourite thing about your relationship?
Kelly: I love how she makes my food. Babe is obsessed with how she serves her food. With her, it’s not just rice; she would have other things on the side like eggs, plantain in cute shapes that make it more interesting. Those little details are my favorite thing about being with her.
Bibi: I have been through so much in my life. There are stories I don’t tell people, but since the first day I met this person, she has never judged me. I would tell her something shocking and wait for her reaction. Instead of judging me, she would say it’s okay. She would never bring it up again. She would assure me that I am a human being and I am allowed to live. If someone else brings it up around her, she would defend me.
Another thing is that I live with a mental health issue. Anytime I have episodes, she would cry and ask God to put it on her. When I had COVID, she wanted to get it too because she didn’t want me to be alone in it. I told her you’re going to die o. Her getting it wouldn’t have done anything for me, but the fact that she didn’t want me to walk through it alone was everything.
Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 – 10.
Kelly: 10. It’s not like we’re perfect, but we are us.
Bibi: When it comes to relationships, a lot of people try to portray perfection, but queer relationships are so different. I was taught how to behave in a man’s house, but now I’m in a woman’s house and those rules don’t apply.
I rate it a 10 because it’s not perfect, but I don’t want it to be because I feel like perfect is fake. Those hiccups we face helps me understand her more.
If your Nigerian boyfriend or, even worse, husband has the audacity to catch you having an affair, it is only right you deal with him for not facing his front.
Here are 11 ways to punish him
1. Ask him to kneel down, raise up his hands and close his eyes.
Since he wants to behave like a child, it’s only right you punish him like one.
2. Make him write “I will learn to mind my business” 1000 times in a notebook.
Since he has time to be catching you cheating, give him work to do.
3. Don’t give him food for one week.
Hunger will force him to change his ways. Advise him to also pray about his inability to mind his business, so it won’t be like he is doing hunger strike.
4. Tell him to write a public apology and print it on the front page of a Nigerian newspaper
This is the barest minimum to be very honest, he needs to let his people know he is an amebo.
5. Tell him to make a video confessing to the world that he, [insert name], doesn’t mind his business.
And you better hold his hands while he makes that video, in fact, wear your Sunday best for your appearance in the video.
6. Follow him to his place of work and make him confess his evil act.
They’ll probably say it’s a personal issue, but tell them this: “If a man can snoop in women’s business, what is the assurance that he is dealing with your company in complete honesty?”
7. Follow him to his church, mosque, or shrine, and make him announce what he did.
Shebi he knows how to do amebo? You too you know how to publicize that work.
8. Ask him to tweet every one hour, his evil deed.
Schedule the tweets! “REMINDER: I, [insert name] snooped on my love It was a foolish, careless act, and I want to say I am sorry.”
If you’ve ever experienced heartbreak, you’d know it feels like a better day may never come. In this article, I asked Nigerian women to tell me about their worst heartbreak, here’s what six of them had to say:
AJ, 22
I was in love with my friend, Ebi* in secondary school. We were in JS2 together but she was into someone else. In SS2, we got closer. We did almost everything together — bathing together, brushing together, and doing our assignments together. We would stay up all night talking. On the night of her birthday, she asked me out and we started dating.
Ebi is a stud so there were rumours about her queerness but when we started dating, things became worse. Something else happened to her around this time and this made school unbearable for her. She told me at the end of the school year that her parents were considering transferring her to a different school. I was upset but she told me they hadn’t made a decision yet, so she wanted to try convincing her parents to let her stay.
We stayed in touch through the holidays and at the end of every conversation, she assured me that her parents had not decided on leaving. At the end of the holiday, she told her parents had decided to let her stay. I was so excited to see her again. I resumed early. I waited all day for her to arrive but she didn’t. It was odd for boarding students to resume on Mondays so I asked her cousin when she was coming but she told me that Ebi’s parents had transferred Ebi to another school out of the state. I felt my heart stop but I had to act like I wasn’t bothered because of the rumours. After school, I went to my bed and cried like a bastard.
Felicia, 24
My ex-boyfriend was three years younger than me. I was a struggling youth corper and he was winging it as an artist when we met. I had sworn to never date a guy younger than me again but something about him made me take a chance. We met through a friend. On our first date, he took me to a rooftop, and we had a picnic. He sang to me as we stared at the moon all night. We were almost inseparable after that.
We continued dating for a year, but at the end of the year, he told me that he had fallen out of love with me. He said it was because, at the beginning of our relationship, he knew I wasn’t serious with him — I was worried about the age difference. I was so hurt because I had gotten over the age thing but I was also moving to a different city — I knew the distance would have been a problem too — so I broke up with him. It’s been a year since our break up and even though I called the relationship off, I’m still heartbroken.
Damilola, 19
In 2017, I reconnected with a guy I had a friends-with-benefits relationship with. He made it clear that he had feelings for me and would like us to be in a serious relationship. I was sceptical at first but I had always liked him, so I said yes. I had never been in an exclusive relationship before him but I wanted to make it work.
We kept having issues — they would start as minor arguments and then escalate. He said I was being difficult about not wanting to send him nudes, even after I explained to him that I was dealing with body dysmorphia. He was friends with my best friend so she knew everything that was going on with us. She would help us resolve our issues by playing peacemaker.
He kept cancelling the plans we made to hang out. One day, we were supposed to meet at a hotel but he stood me up as usual so I went to my friend’s place to get my mind off him. That night, he called me and said some abusive words about how I didn’t care about him. He said SARS had harassed and extorted him. I was mad at the hurtful things he said to me so I blocked him.
A week later, he apologized on Instagram. I forgave him but a part of me had checked out emotionally. Less than a month later, I made up my mind to leave him after my friend showed me her chat where he was hitting on her. That night, he tried to talk to me but I refused. A few months later, he called me, accusing me of setting him up when SARS arrested him. After the call, he sent a text saying, “I hope you and your family die, bitch, and I’m glad I treated you and your bestie like the trash you both are”. When I confronted her about it, she told me she was pregnant. She couldn’t turn to him for help and she couldn’t keep the baby either. As much as I was hurt, I couldn’t leave her to suffer, so I paid for her to get an abortion and stayed with her through it. After everything, I stopped talking to her.
In 2020, I followed Ivie* because I thought her profile picture was pretty. Somehow we started talking, and it was fun. We found out that we attended the same school but lived in different states. She told me she wasn’t sure she wanted a relationship and I was okay with it but a few months later, she said she loved me. I was already in love with her so I thought we were going to work out.
Two months later, she stopped calling or texting. It seemed like I was the one doing everything, so I told her I couldn’t be in the relationship anymore. She read the message but never replied. When school was about to resume in January, she hit me up and asked to meet. We did and she apologised for airing me. We continued our relationship in school. In February, we took a walk one evening, and I asked if we were serious. She said she wasn’t serious with the relationship and that was when I realized she had never really wanted me — she was just bored.
Milola, 24
I was dating this girl for about three years. We did almost everything together. I wanted to be with her for as long as possible but in the third year, she invited me to her wedding as her bridesmaid. I never replied to that message.
Maxine, 25
I loved my ex-boyfriend with everything in me. I would lie to my parents so I could travel to Lagos to see him. 18 days after our first anniversary together, he broke up with me. His reason was that I loved him too much and he couldn’t love me as much as I loved him. I tried to convince him to stay but he refused. Since then everything about love has been like cyanide to me.
Tolu, 22
My ex-girlfriend and I live in Lagos but at opposite ends — I live in Ajah and she lives in Ikorodu. We tried to keep up with calls, texts and monthly visits but it was hard. Sometimes my parents won’t let me go out or they would allow me with strict timeframes of when to go and when to come back. I would take a four-hour journey and end up spending just two hours with her. We didn’t even have the privacy to be intimate with each other.
One night, I told her I missed her and she said she missed me too. She sent a hug sticker and I told her I was tired of hug stickers — I wanted to hug her for real. We started talking about how hard the distance was making our relationship and we decided to end it on that note. It hurt like a bitch.
Are you the perfect partner or is dating you a literal nightmare? Today, we are here to expose just how toxic you really are — on a scale of 0 to a terrifying 100%. Also, like with the ‘How Wicked Are You?’ quiz, you can’t argue with your result.
Most people hope to have great co-workers and to have a decent enough relationship with them, however, what if it is a little more than just a decent relationship? Workplace romance isn’t nearly as rare as many think it is or hopes it is. Today, we spoke to five Nigerians about dating their co-workers.
Ivie, 26.
It was my boss at the first company I worked at when I came back. Our colleagues always joked that he was married with kids but I had spoken to him and gone to his house where he lived with his housemate so it was hard to believe. Anyway, we started going out, we’d go home together some days or work late in the office some days. It didn’t get in the way of the working dynamics as far as I remember. Anyway, I found out he was married (no kids) after two months and he brought his elder sister to the office to beg me saying they’ve been separated and just not gotten a divorce etc💀 so embarrassing. Anyway, I hadn’t started having sex then and he was gonna be the first. He was the “first” alright except it wasn’t consensual. Anyway, I left the company after that and never spoke to him again.
Collin, 32.
You know how people are always scared of HR finding out they are dating a co-worker? I was sleeping with HR. We didn’t plan it but the sexual tension and chemistry were just wow. The first time was when he and I stayed back in the office because I had a project I needed to turn in and he was filling something. We ended up kissing and we started sleeping with each other for a year. I stopped being into it a few months in but he was there and was easy dick so why not. It stopped because my next job took me out of the vicinity.
Jonathan, 30.
We were already dating before my partner got a job where I work. I was angry because workplace relationships are so tricky to navigate but I tried to ignore my anger because he needed steady employment. I couldn’t keep that up for long so my anger bubbles to the surface and we fought because it was unfair for him to not tell me first. Even though we talked about it and got past that, I still had reservations about the entire arrangement. But it’s been chill so far. It’s still weird though. We interact at work but are careful to not act too chummy so no one gets any ideas. Then there’s the whole hiding the relationship from everyone which is exhausting. That being said, it also has it’s perks. Even though my case has been great, I wouldn’t advise anyone to do it. I think it’s weird for a couple’s lives to be so intertwined. Do as I say, not as I do.
Tayo, 25.
I was working at this tech startup last year and the culture was very lax which is very different from other places I have worked. Because of that, I didn’t immediately clock that the head of the team I was on was flirting with me. He would give me rides and advice and stuff like that. Then one day, he tried kissing me. I was like ‘Uhm, no.’ He kept asking and pressuring and I didn’t want to but it’s a bit hard to say no to your superior because of how people are or can be. We hooked up a few times, it wasn’t bad but he kept wanting more. I eventually left for a different job where I was the team head. I highly advise startups to take HR seriously. The way the HR was set up at mine, I knew reporting to them would get back to the guy so what was the point?
If there’s one thing the TV show Insecure did for me, it is burn the word ghosting as well it’s impact on people into my skull. Today, we spoke to five young Nigerians who have been ghosted on what their worst experience being ghosted has been.
Chinelo, 23.
Right so, in my first year in uni, I started seeing this guy. It was a talking stage but I really liked him and I think he liked me (I’m not sure anymore cause who ghosts someone they like in such a wicked way). Anyways, it was really good for two months, everything started to go left after he stood me up on Valentine’s day and then he denied me when my best friend saw him at Amigo and told him “when are you resuming, your babe misses you”. This man said, “what babe? I don’t have a babe o”.
Fast forward to two weeks after this event, he came back to school and told me we wouldn’t be able to talk much on the phone because his phone was bad, I didn’t think anything of it because we’re in the same uni so I can always see him right? This man’s phone was “bad” for the whole of the Easter holiday and after that. We didn’t talk once. One day I went on WhatsApp and saw him online, he still hadn’t tried to contact me so I thought when we get back to school we’d just settle it. He didn’t resume for the first two weeks and the day I finally saw him, this man walked past me like he didn’t know who I was, it happened more than once. I was so confused because he’d go on IG and like my photos but he wouldn’t talk to me when he saw me. Once, I and my BFF ran into him in our cafeteria and he said Hi to her and ignored me like I wasn’t there. I wanted to faint. It took me 8 months to get over it and this idiot dared to text me to “check on me” after I’d fully moved on.
Jamie, 23.
So I met her and we started off as friends, as these things go. We went to Unilag together. Different departments. We’d just hang out after school, walk together to the gate, eat together, etc. Then I started liking her. She found out, and the relationship sort of changed. She kinda led me on. She didn’t say she didn’t like me back, but we started doing more stuff like going to the movies together, chilling in each other’s apartments, getting drunk and whatnot. I spent my birthday with her. It was beginning to get interesting sha. I was pretty sure we were going to end up dating. We were together almost everyday, talking on the phone, FaceTiming etc.
And then one Friday, I didn’t have classes, so I called her in the morning and asked if we would hang out later that day. She sounded dejected and when I asked why, she said we’d talk about it when we saw. She said I should call her by 5 pm. We’d been out a few days earlier and everything was okay. Now, NEPA had cut our light and my phone was on 4%. This was like 9 a.m. So I waited at home, doing nothing, waiting for 5pm (I know that sounds stupid, but if I didn’t have any plans with her, I would have left home earlier and just gone somewhere to charge my phone and chill. I just decided to wait till I saw her before I left home.)
I called her at 5pm. She didn’t pick. I put my phone back on airplane mode. 5:30pm, she didn’t pick. Airplane mode. 5:45pm and 6pm. Didn’t pick. So I texted her and said “Hey, you didn’t sound okay the last time we spoke, and now, you’re not picking. Are you good?” She read it and didn’t reply. I was so worried. Then my phone died.
I didn’t try to call her after that. On the next day, I was looking at WhatsApp stories when I saw her’s. She was posting pictures of herself smiling. I still didn’t try to contact her, I was waiting for her to contact me. She kept posting stories so I was sure she was okay. That text I sent her was the last time we spoke.
I bumped into her about 3 months later in school. Her reason for ghosting me like that: I’m sorry, I just got really busy that day and I forgot to reach out to you after.
Uju, 20.
Not sure I’d say “horrible” but I met this guy at a wedding in Kaduna, he lives in Abuja and I was in Lagos at the time. We hit it off instantly, like made out and everything. I went back to Lagos he went back to Abuja and we were talking for like a good two weeks. I even sent him a full platter of food twice as per lover babe. Anyway one morning, I texted him and no response. I called, messaged, nothing for like a week. I called his best friend (who is my best friend’s brother) and he said he had spoken to him so he wasn’t dead he was just ghosting me. Anyway, he came to apologize and said it “happens”.
Chisom, 28.
So this guy and I had been talking, it was a long-distance situationship but things were moving fast and none of us had a problem with it then he didn’t talk to me for like a week. At first, I wasn’t so mad, I didn’t panic as much. Then he reached out and said he had some stuff he was dealing with and I kind of understood. We talked all through summer and then I didn’t hear from him for about 96 days. His number wasn’t going through, I couldn’t reach him on social media. I sent emails, he never responded and then one random day he called me. I kept looking at the phone. I didn’t want to pick it up but I eventually did. Because I wanted closure but yeah things died after that.
Martha, 32.
Two years ago, I met this guy at my friend’s birthday party. We were flirting and eventually exchanged numbers. After that, we hung out and made out and stuff. A month into the ‘relationship’, I texted him and he didn’t reply. Called, the same thing. After a few days, I went to visit him as per caring girlfriend. He wasn’t around. I asked my friend whose birthday I met him from, she said she didn’t know him like that. One day, like a week into the disappearing act, he posted on Instagram. I was like ‘what?’ I DMed him. After he read it, he blocked me. That was when I knew what happened. The next time I saw him was at a friend’s wedding a few months later when I was serving food. Omo, I was dishing rice and crying. God forbid.
The dating scene Is a messy place and everyone has their spec. If you haven’t figured out what works for you, we’ve been generous enough to make a list.
1. People that have money
Money makes romance sweeter, to be honest. People will probably call you a gold-digger, but is it their gold you are digging? You better practice how to be a gold-digger today and stop suffering in silence. This is not Nollywood.
You should always be where the money resides boo
2. People that don’t have money
What they lack in funds they make-up for in creativity. Cute picnics, long walks, Netflix and chill, a compilation of funny memes, thoughtful gifts. These guys would spend if they had. Bear with them.
Yes, they come with a sprinkle of trauma but they will try anything new with you. These people were unsupervised in their formative years, jumping fences and eating beans with a dash of beetles. They fear nothing.
You’ll try every new restaurant that catches their fancy and can never complain that you’re hungry. When they walk into any restaurant the waiters are always happy to see them. Plus relationship weight = fat ass.
“My view, her view” pictures loading
5. People that wear crocs
These guys have hacked comfort clothes on another level. They have the softest hoodies and sweatpants just waiting for you to “borrow”. Date a crocs wearer today.
And that’s on good taste. Sponsored by crocs wearers association of Nigeria
In mainstream media, when people talk about exes, they are usually referring to the worst one. In a bid to balance that, we asked 7 Nigerian women to tell us about their favourite ex.
Abigail, 34
Let’s call her M. She was everything I wanted in a partner — honest, loving, ambitious, beautiful and smart. We dated for over three years and it was the best time of my life. We loved each other deeply. We even had plans to leave Nigeria, get married and start a family. Our friends called us their couple goals.
But life happened. I lost my dad and I don’t do grief well. I shut down – mentally and emotionally. I started acting out and stopped communicating my needs to her. She tried her best to understand but I guess, at some point, it became too much for her to handle, so she broke up with me. She set the standard for everyone I dated after her. It’s been 11 years since then and no other woman has come close. Because of this, I stopped dating women and went back into the closet.
Annabelle, 27
My relationship with my ex was amazing. This guy worshipped the ground I walked on. He always bought me gifts and cooked me food. He had my pictures around his house. I met his family and he met mine. One day we were arguing and he said, “It doesn’t matter anyway, I’m getting married next month.”
Rese, 18
The last relationship I was in was my first serious relationship. It was also my ex’s first so we didn’t have enough dating experience. Everything went well until the end. I feel like I’m the reason we broke up but maybe that’s just my need to blame myself for everything. We both sucked at communication. Initially, I would tell her the things she did that annoyed me but she would do it again within two days. Towards the end, instead of talking to her about it, I would hold it in my mind and resentment started to build. It wasn’t the best decision because I snapped. I told her she was useless and ended a call we were on. We didn’t speak for seven months after that.
Nenye, 20
My ex was with someone else when we met. We were in the same university but I was a year ahead of her. Her boyfriend – at the time – had gone on IT for a semester so he wasn’t around when our thing started. We met through a mutual friend. We were always texting each other and spending time together.
One day, we were laying on my bed in school one night and she kissed me. I was shocked and when I asked her why she did it, she didn’t say anything. It didn’t matter because I was hooked. She kept telling me that she wasn’t like that and that she was dating someone else but I didn’t care — I just wanted to be with her.
The next semester her boyfriend returned and it was like I didn’t exist anymore. I kept buying her stuff and doing nice things for her to get her attention. We would go months without talking but whenever we got the chance to talk again, I would lose my sense of reasoning. This lasted for two years and then I left school. I think the main reason we lasted that long was because she was my first and I hadn’t fully come to terms with who I was at the time. She didn’t know what she wanted and eventually, I had to come to terms with that.
Emilia, 24
It was a tumultuous relationship yet I didn’t see myself leaving. I tend to be closer to people I can learn from. To me, he was this person that had so much to teach me but that’s where the problem came from. I idolized him as a beacon of knowledge. Once you cross that line where you can’t differentiate between where their knowledge ends and where the gaslighting starts, it becomes difficult to see things for what they are.
It took me a long time to realize that this person whom I’ve surrendered myself to — as a student and a lover — was different from who I thought he was. The gaslighting made me feel crazy. He made me feel like I was nothing without him so it was harder to leave than it was to stay.
He broke up with me after a while but I refused to let go. There were a lot of back and forth conversations before the end in 2018. Left to me, I’d still be in that relationship. Yet somehow, it has been my best so far because it opened my eyes to a lot of things I wouldn’t have known without him.
Olamide, 24
Tunde* and I met on Obafemi Awolowo University campus. He was a foreign Master’s student from Liberia while I was a final year student. That period was the best time of my life. Sex with him was amazing. He introduced me to my body and taught me what sexual pleasure should feel like. He was good to me and particular about satisfying me.
He told me about his large family — he has about 30 siblings. His father had many wives and he is the first child of his mother. His father is dead so his elder siblings controlled the family’s members activities. He always told me they might not like the idea of him marrying a foreigner, but he will try his best to convince them. I loved him and he was everything I wanted in a husband so I was quite hopeful.
After his Master’s programme, he went back home and discussed it with his family. They refused so we broke up. He got married a year later to a woman his family arranged for him. We still talk once in a while but I don’t initiate it because I respect his marriage. He also sends me money randomly.
R, 25
I was in a non-exclusive relationship with this woman that lasted a year. It was absolutely beautiful. It was unique and it fulfilled me in many ways. Before her, I was used to being the sole giver in my relationships. I’d love you, cater for you, be your mum, your friend, your sister, everything and leave no room for you to be there for me but for the first time, someone wanted to give me love. One of her love languages was acts of service so she did a lot of things for me.
She understood mental health and made it easy to talk about the things that affected me. She was also kind to strangers. When I wanted to start a business and I was anxious about it, she got me some of the things I needed and constantly reminded me that I could do it.
It ended because I wanted a more defined relationship and she wasn’t ready for it. We talked about it and decided that we had to break up. Even though there were no fights, it still hurt like a motherfucker and it took me the longest time to get over. Till now, I am not sure I am over her but I’m grateful for time and progress. She’s still a part of my support system. We’re even better friends now than we were in a relationship.
If there is a question we have never actually gotten an answer to, it’s how much does size really matter when it comes to sex and penises. We know it does but the question is to what degree? To help gain some insight, we spoke to five Nigerian men about being made of because of their penis size.
Ferdinand, Gay.
My partner has made fun of my penis a few times. He travelled once and we were on a video call and he said he wanted us to wank together, so I brought out my penis and he commented: “this your short dick.” It was so random and I kept thinking about it till I felt bad. I began googling penis enlargement stuff. When I asked my doctor friends, they told me none of those worked. The negative feelings get worse when I watch porn and see the dicks of these men then look at mine.
Tokunbo, Straight.
I have always felt bittered and rejected due to the size of my penis, I always lose my relationships after our first time having sex. Every woman I have been with always feels irritated by the size and it’s never enough. Hooking up and having relationships has been really frustrating for me and my penis size is something I think about almost every day and every minute of my life.
Chikwe, Straight.
I have what I thought was a decent size penis till I started having regular sex and my partners started complaining. Last year, I had sex with a girl who told me mid-sex to stop because she could not feel anything. She told me that if we must have sex, I need to wear a strap. I left, that was beyond insulting. I have looked into penis enlargement but I’m scared of taking the leap.
JJ, Bisexual.
It has happened twice, both were women. I sleep with men too and have never been body-shamed by a man yet – I’m surprised too. They both happened while I was in college and the first time I heard it, the girl was a little tipsy and she said “I really wish it was bigger”. It felt like something out of a movie. I think my self-esteem has been severely damaged since. I tend to not go on dates anymore just so I don’t waste anyone’s time and I don’t really talk about it because honestly, there are probably worse things going on and people for the most part think it’s funny and I don’t want to be made fun of.
Ife, Straight.
When it comes to this penis thing, I have suffered. The first time I realized it was really small was when I sent a dick pic to someone and she replied ‘wow’. Then she blocked me. One time, I was being intimate with someone and in the middle of her giving me a blowjob, she stood up and said she can’t do it anymore. That it was like licking a stick sweet. People act like size doesn’t matter but it does. I don’t date anymore, I hookup once in a while and it tends to happen once and they never come back for seconds and I know why.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Horrible exes are the great common denominator. Most of us have them – people that we, at some point, thought or hoped would be the one but by the end of the relationship, we were like WTAF. As today is the day after Valentine’s Day, we got four Nigerian men to tell us about their absolute worst ex.
Emmanuel, Straight, 27.
In my third year at university, I was dating this babe that was in her second year and I was spending all the money I didn’t have on her. My parents paid for my rent and gave me a ten thousand Naira allowance every week and sometimes, my mum would send something in between. I also had a small gig doing graphics. So I was balling on campus back then or would have if I did not decide to die on this woman’s matter. A few months into the relationship, I realized that all she did was come to my house to eat my food and watch TV. She had a habit of missing classes too. All she did when she wasn’t eating my hard-earned food was ask for money. Man, I was stressed. Anyways, I discovered she was sleeping with a guy in her year that lived in my compound. Sometimes, I would return to my compound and see her seated at the guy’s pavement waiting for me. I thought it was just because she knew him as they were in the same year. One day, I came back and saw her coming out trying to set her wig straight and the guy was wearing loose boxers and I just clocked it. I cried like a child they stole his sweet that day but we move.
Ayomide, Gay, 23.
I dated this guy back in 2018. He seemed cool. It was fun, he was charming, sex was great, my feelings for him were growing strong. Basically, all of those things that happen in relationships. And then I fell sick. I was admitted to the hospital. I informed this guy via text because I couldn’t talk. I didn’t get a reply. I eventually mustered up the strength to call him several times. He didn’t pick. Eventually, texts stopped going, calls stopped going. I had been blocked and ghosted. Anyways, it hit me like a Big Mac truck and I was sad as hell. I also cried a lot. I could barely eat because of one stupid man. Eventually, I got over him. And then after a few months, I saw this guy at a place I went to get food with a work colleague. I avoided him but this man came over to say ‘hi’ pretending nothing happened. He even offered to buy me food. I would have lost it and broken something on his head if I wasn’t over him already.
Seun, Straight, 32.
In 2017, I dated this babe who came from a very affluent family. Her family, however, did not like me. The babe also had some issues – she told me she had had bad relationship experiences in the past and I eventually clocked that all of that had left her very insecure and needy. Man, she was beautiful but the stress? Jesus. Anyways, her uncle helped me get a job because of her. I didn’t know it but she had figured out my phone’s password and read texts between someone else and I and saw that I was being flirty. She got so enraged and was talking about how she should have figured out I was like the rest of her exes. She left the house that night. She blocked my number. Two days later, I got a sack letter and they said it was ‘due to performance’. I just took it and left.
Meshach, Straight, 27.
My ex-girlfriend used to get really angry. It didn’t happen often but when she got angry, it would be very bad and violent. The problem is that on other days, she’s pretty good. Smart, funny and nice. But when she is angry, she is something else. One day, we had one of those ‘we are both irritated’ types of quarrels. She attempted to pour the soup she was making on me. That was when it started to click in me that this isn’t working. I left the day she broke this floor-length mirror I had in my room when we argued about her mum. She broke the mirror and shards touched me and she didn’t even flinch. I just stepped outside and after a while, I asked her to leave and that was it. God forbid.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Being a sugar baby — generally being a sex worker — involves a lot of stress, but for this article, we’re going to focus on one of the highlights of the trade: getting expensive gifts.
We asked six sugar babies what the most expensive gift they’ve ever received from a client is.
Ben, Gay.
So in 2019, I was seeing this man. I met him on Tinder, then I discovered he had a wife and, more importantly, had money. One day, I told him my old laptop packed up, and I was broke. It was a half-lie — I was broke, but my laptop was fine. I just thought, at most, he would give me part of the money to get a laptop. Next time we saw, he gave me a brand new Macbook Air. I screamed.
Anna, Straight.
Okay so it wasn’t one gift, but I was dating this guy when I moved to Abuja. He told me he wanted to come over, but I told him I couldn’t host people because I didn’t have furniture yet. He said that was my business and came over. The next week, oga took me to a furniture showroom and told me to pick what I wanted. That’s how I got a whole furnished apartment.
Irene, Straight.
My best gift was from this guy who was heavily into being dominated. We used to do extreme stuff all day. He’d stand while I was on my laptop and would only move when I told him to. He got me an apartment on the Island — really great and expensive space. But the absolute best gift was the camera and lenses he bought me to kickstart my photography career.
Nneka, Bisexual.
I don’t know if this counts but on my 25th birthday, in November 2019, my sugar daddy spoiled me silly. Plane tickets to Cape Verde, paid for our lodgings and, on the trip, he got me a new iPhone and took me shopping. He’s an oil and gas worker and my birthday collided with his time off. I was extremely lucky. I don’t think I have had that kind of luck since.
Boma, Straight.
I met him on Houseparty funny enough. I had a boyfriend then, but the guy and I started talking and Facetiming regularly during the early months of the pandemic. One day, he said he wanted me to be his, and I jokingly told him that he needed to make it worth my time. He asked if I had CashApp, I told him Nigeria doesn’t have that, so he used WorldRemit and sent $1000. It was almost N500,000. We haven’t met yet but once travel restrictions ease up more, I’ll be meeting him and living my best sugar baby life.
Onyinye, Straight.
Does rent count? My London rent and Lagos rent combined is about N20 million and he pays for it. £2,000 per month for 11 months in London excluding the upkeep he gives me. Then my Lagos rent is N10 milion. But upkeep do usually enter voicemail as I’m in Lagos and he’s not pressing breast anymore.
There are apps for just about everything these days, and for obvious reasons, dating apps are among the most used. So we got four Nigerians to talk to us about their experiences using dating apps.
Modestus, 28, Straight.
The best part about using Tinder was the ease of matching up and getting to talk with people around me with similar interests. The weirdest thing was realising just how many people were open to meeting for random sex.
I mean, it’s fine but people in Lagos are mad. Before you’ll find yourself in a shrine inside a bush. I got tired of saying, “Hey” and getting the reply, “Shey you’re fucking or you’re not fucking?”
Also, I met a white woman in her mid-twenties who wanted me to treat her like a dog and organise a bunch of guys to, and I quote, “breed” her. I confirmed she was legit on WhatsApp, but she pulled back before I could get over the shock. She was very specific about wanting everything to happen in a dirty motel.
Rebecca, 24, Straight.
I’ve actually had a great experience with Tinder. I enjoy meeting new people, so it’s like being in a grocery store — there are so many options. Plus, once the conversation goes left, it’s easy to ghost. I also love that people I am not interested in cannot message me, but I hate that random people in my area can see my profile .
I once took an Uber and the driver kept asking if I was an influencer, which I am not, so I was so confused. At a random time during the ride, he yelled, “Tinder. Na there I see your face”. I wanted to enter the seat. He went on to ask me, “So you don find boyfriend, abi make I message you after?” I hid my profile for a couple weeks after that because omo.
Somi, 19, Pansexual.
The best thing about using dating apps was that it allowed me to express myself more freely than I’ve ever been able to. Online dating sites allow me to connect with people anywhere, and at any time I like. The weirdest thing I discovered on dating sites was that when people find out that I am trans, they struggle or I get outrightly blocked. To them, I am no longer the person they thought I was, to them I’ve deceived and tricked my way into them finding me attractive. If they’d only known, then they’d never have messaged or swiped right so I am to blame?
Itohan, 19, Bisexual.
The best part is getting to meet people. I don’t know how to just meet people, so dating apps helped with that. I especially like that I get to meet people without leaving my house and spending my money. Not until I decide I want to.
The weirdest thing about it is that people are violently anti-sex-worker and it annoys me and my homegirls. The worst part about dating apps is men. They’re so weird. Like, the comments they make or feel comfortable making because they hide behind a screen is just disgusting.
For most men, dating people who are younger than them age is the only way to go. However, its 2021 and the script is being flipped and more men are willing to explore dating older people. So we asked four men who exclusively date older people about their experiences.
Fidel, Gay.
I was sexually active at a very young age and again I had this fetish for hairy people which turns out to be only on older guys. So eventually that became my thing. The ones I’ve been with, there’s this certainty that comes with dating someone older. They don’t feel the need to be shady because they feel they might have something to lose, and they have financial stability as well.
The worst part of dating older queer men in Nigeria is that their ‘ageism’ jumps out every now and then. The age gap breeds a conflict of ideas, And a lot of times what you have with them isn’t long term because sooner than later they have to start their family as society dictates, and I have no future with a married man.
Tunde, Straight.
I don’t deliberately seek to date older women. It just happens really. We get talking, and boom, we find out about the age difference. I’ve dated a younger lady once. Man, I couldn’t keep up. I had to think for two. I’d advise people to date whoever they love, and find comfort in. Age is secondary. Seek stability, warmth and respect. Amongst other things for sure.
I guess because I’m most times the youngest in a group. The best part of dating older women is that cues are easily taken, vibrations are higher and the worst part is that it can be too intense sometimes.
Adam, Gay.
I think the best part is that they’ve lived and been around for a while so there’s this mature way of handling things and judging from my partner, they can be understanding. There’s a lot an older man can take or deal with when they’re in love with you because they’re at that age where they know what they want and they tend to listen and try to understand you and even guide you. Whereas someone younger wouldn’t have the patience to deal with it or try to understand cause they deem it as “stress”. The worst part should be them being stuck up in their ways or certain lifestyles and not willing to compromise when you complain because of them? They’re old and have lived so they assume they know better and sometimes they forget they’re with someone younger and just always expect you to be on the same wavelength with them mentally.
Sometimes I miss being with younger people, especially when I think about sex. Sex with my partner is great but I don’t think it can be compared to sleeping with someone younger, young energies are great you know.
Malcolm, Straight.
Older women have less stress. If they want to date you, they’ll tell you. If they don’t, they’ll tell you. No time for uncertainty or all that stuff. I appreciate that. Plus they tend to be making more money and who no like better thing? I realized I preferred older women in my very early twenties. I tried dating people my age or young as per I am a man and stuff. It didn’t work. Older women are my jam. Better in bed, more money etc. Just don’t get them angry, they’ll run you out of town and won’t shake at all.
Chidi, Straight
It might be because I was groomed or it might just be a preference but young women don’t do it for me. I find them too young to have anything more than friendship. I don’t feel any attraction towards them. But older women? Come here mami! The best part is they are sexually bolder, at least the ones I date. They are in a better place mentally and financially and everything just set. I can’t think of a bad thing. Some feel insecure about not being as young and as pretty as they were but I try to make them see themselves through my eyes.
