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A new season of “The L Word” is out, Bette and Tina are getting back together, and suddenly, you have the grand idea to text your ex from 2019. If you don’t put down that phone and sleep! Instead of making the mistake of a lifetime, here are fun things you can do. A new season of “The L Word” is out, Bette and Tina are getting back together, and suddenly, you have the grand idea to text your ex from 2019. If you don’t put down that phone and sleep! Instead of making the mistake of a lifetime, here are fun things you can do.
Clear out your contact list
No, you’ll never talk to that one ex who’s technically not even your ex, and those group chats are one too many. Also, end that situationship before 2023, abeg, your inner child is tired of crying.
Call your friend
It’s been three months since y’all hung out, and no, I’m not talking about those random times you saw each other at a party. Call them and just chill on the phone. That’s a better way to spend your time.
Learn how to code
Instead of getting into another codependent relationship, learn to code. Not only are you upskilling, but you’re also healing. Wow, someone put that on a t-shirt.
Exercise
You’ve been meaning to anyway. Anytime you consider texting her, do 100 push-ups. When your fingers almost break, you’ll have sense. You’re not Bette and Tina; your relationship was even more problematic.
Organise your clothes
Maybe you’ll be able to face the shame of the insane amount of your clothes still in your exes’ wardrobe. That’ll definitely give you sense. Are you ready to purchase a new wardrobe? No? Exactly.
Rewatch “The L Word” from the beginning
Think of it as a Christmas gift to yourself. Remind yourself that your ex sucks, and you guys deserve to remain exes forever. Also, simp over Shane.
Calculate how much you spend on love
Maybe you’ll finally come to your senses. Only you, six failed relationships, six different promise rings and almost proposals this year alone. Is your bank account not tired? Rest, abeg.
You can tell a lot about a queer person based on their favourite movies about women loving women. To save yourself from stress and eventual heartbreak, this should be on the list of first date questions. Keep reading to find out why.
D.E.B.S. (2004)
If you’ve seen and liked D.E.B.S, you’re usually the most interesting person in the room, and you know it.You mistakenly watched it as a child, thinking it was a spy movie and it guided you to the early realisation that you like women. You’re confident in a way that isn’t intimidating. Everyone thinks you’re a whore, but you’re actually in a committed relationship.
You’re that person in the community that has dated everyone’s ex. You grew up watching The L-Word and were either obsessed with Shane and grew up to be a serial heartbreaker, or you liked Jenny and write poetry for fun now. The most problematic thing about you is that you keep falling in love with straight women.
Rafiki
If you like Rafiki, you have the best taste in music, which has made you the supreme handler of the aux cord during hangouts. You believe in astrology don’t date certain star signs. You claim to hate drama, but you’re constantly at its centre. You’re willing to swim through the kiddie pool full of urine (the dating pool) as many times as it’ll take to find the one. Never change.
Handmaiden
You’re super intelligent and super intelligent and incredibly patient, which is understandable because you sat through the whole movie and had to read subtitles. You’re probably in therapy, which is good because you’re clearly going through a lot if you like Handmaiden. You’re adventurous and into kinky shit. You also lie a lot because you keep saying you watched Handmaiden for the plot. when we all know it has no plot and is basically high budget softcore porn.
But I’m a Cheerleader
You are outgoing with a good sense of humour. You make friends effortlessly, and you love a good enemy-to-lovers story. You also love drag race, but you haven’t gotten into it properly.
Carol
If your favourite lesbian movie is Carol, you only date older women for sport or as a form of self-harm. You still text your ex often and lie about it. You’ve also slept with half of your friends. These people are usually creative and can be a little eccentric, which is why people keep falling for them. You also have a wine addiction.
I am not saying you are a red flag if you like this movie, but the colour of your flag is not green. You’re all about the yearning and longing for love. You keep getting heartbroken by people who aren’t dating you. If there were an award for getting into situationships, you’d win it.
Elisa & Marcela
You say you like Elisa and Marcela because you are pretentious, and you like being the only one in the room that wants something “different” even though the only thing different about it is that it’s in black and white. You’ve also never been able to finish this movie because you only watched the sex scenes and avoided the trauma, and I stan.
The Happiest Season
The only reason anyone would like this movie is that they had a Twilight phase and are now obsessed with Kristen Stewart. Either that or you just really enjoy celebrating Christmas. You are super cute and want to do adorable things like wearing matching sweaters or making TikToks with your partner.
Prom
You don’t tell anyone you like this movie because everyone hates it, and you don’t like petty arguments. You watched this specifically for Meryl Streep because you want to date older women, but you’d never actively pursue one. You are also very romantic, and you still believe in fairytale types of love, which is precious.
Below Her Mouth
You are a baby gay. You don’t do relationships and just like to vibe, which is interesting because you also catch feelings quick. Below Her Mouth was probably your first lesbian film, and even though you’ve seen better, you’re still holding on to it. You thrive in toxic situations, and you like Blue is the Warmest Colour.
If cisgender people aren’t telling non-binary people how they should present themselves, they’re busy asking these eight invasive questions. A big step to being a good trans/non-binary ally is to stop asking these questions.
“Are you a boy or a girl?”
None of the above; that’s kind of the whole point. Non-binary people can present themselves in whatever way they want. This question can be harmful and annoying.
There’s a vast difference between asking this question respectfully and saying it as a statement. No one should have to explain their pronouns to you, and non-binary folks don’t just use they/them pronouns, you should respect their pronouns.
“You don’t look non-binary”
There’s no one way to look non-binary. No hairstyle, aesthetic, or facial feature makes you look non-binary. No one has to look a certain way to identify as non-binary.
“What bathroom do you use?”
The clean one with spare tissue papers. Please don’t ask this question. First of all, we are in Nigeria, where there are hardly any gender-neutral bathrooms. We use the one that ensures that no one will throw a tire over our heads when we step out.
Because as soon as people attach “gender-neutral” to a clothing item, it costs an arm and a leg. Plus, clothes become gender-neutral when non-binary folks wear them and decide on that.
“Are you intersex?”
Not all intersex folks are non-binary, and it all boils down to the fact that you expect them to look a certain way. No one owes you an answer to this very invasive question. You can’t be an ally and be asking questions like these.
“What’s going on down there?”
Not a lot, and none of your business. Non-binary folks don’t ask people what they have in their pants because that’s not something sane people do. Cisgender people should extend the same courtesy.
“What was your dead name?”
Not all non-binary folks feel the need for a name change, and when they do change their name, it’s probably because the previous one didn’t feel right, cisgender folks change their names too. They do not owe you an answer to these questions, and to be honest, especially not when the dead name triggers their dysphoria.
Pride month is gay Christmas that lasts longer than regular Christmas. This pride, here are few tips on how to be a better friend and ally to your queer friend.
1. Send them money
Times are tuff, sapa left and right. What better way to support your queer friend? Empty your bank account dear, especially if you have pounds. That one is highly essential.
2.Check on their mental health
Don’t be this person
They deal with so much bullshit living in this country and no one should have to go through all that, to be honest. Be a good friend, check up on them and just listen sometimes.
Pins, totes, shoes, clothes, straps, yes dear all the works. Buy it.
4. Affirm their pronouns and correct people who dead name them
Not just during pride month, of course. Do better by your trans/ non-binary friends, please. Correct people who deadname them even if they are not present. It’s really not as hard as you think.
5. Buy them a ticket to another country
This is very important. You might have to sell your father’s car, your mother’s favourite gold chain or even empty your piggyvest, but it’ll be worth it when you see them flourish in a country that isn’t trying to kill them.
6. Lend your voice in asking the government to repeal the SSMPA
The SSMPA has hurt so many queer people and set us back, but not for long. Lend your voice, protest with them, sign petitions, trend their hashtags. #RepealSSMPA.
7. Share your Netflix password so they can watch their favourite queer shows
Give them your password so they can watch their fave queer shows this month and experience queer joy.
8. Don’t speak over them when it comes to queer issues
Not just during pride month, of course. Remember to do this always. When it comes to queer issues, your voice shouldn’t be louder than theirs since you don’t experience it first hand. Learn to take a step back and listen sometimes. E get why. Please it’s pride month, let’s not fight.
9. Send more money
Open your pocket, your purse and your bank account! I can’t stress this enough.
Below 8 Nigerians share their horrible experiences getting punished or expelled while in school.
Lolu, 22
To start with, I was suspended twice for being queer, and the last time I was told to leave the hostel and attend school from my house (so as not to infect the other students they said). For someone that went to an only girl’s religious high school, homophobia was always the order of the day even for preachers and guest speakers who would come and tell you how you would have HPV and die from homosexuality. The first time I got suspended, it was over speculations on whether or not I and my partner at the time were always making out under the staircase. Then one of my male teachers asked me to tell him what it feels like to touch girls and threatened to tell the school he saw me with my partner if I didn’t. I was caught in the act the second time, for a religious school you’d think they’d be more understanding and want to counsel you but no, they started telling people to stay away from me if not I would infect them with the 8 demons inside of me, I remember being called out on the assembly ground flogged 16 times and how I was made to kneel down in front of a very public place so people could see the face of a lesbian and make sure not to be like me, I saw people laughing at me, showing disgust and even pointing at me with pity. I still have both suspension letters and now I just laugh when I go through them.
Timi, 22
It was in 2016 and I was preparing for final exams. We were on an excursion one time and I made out with this boy. The next morning I noticed he was suddenly cold, later that day, a teacher called me and flogged me, saying I was going about possessing people with homosexuality. Apparently, this friend told him that I was the one who made him fall into sin. About a week later I was called to the Disciplinary Committee, I wasn’t even given a chance to talk, there was nothing I wanted to say anyway, from every angle I kept hearing how I was going to burn in hell, how I can never be redeemed, how I have become a shame to the society. I was suspended from school and they told boys to be careful because I might be looking out for who to possess next. After I came back to school, only about 10% spoke to me before we graduated.
Chioma, 24
So in SS3 1st term, I became close friends with this girl. This was a catholic school. We were just friends, still are and along the line, I fell ill so she took me to her corner for the duration. Took care of me. We became closer, did everything together. She even came to my house during the holidays. Nothing sexual ever happened asides from holding hands and hugs cause we were both pretty religious but apparently our feelings were obvious. One day, some girl woke me from siesta and said that the disciplinary committee was looking for me. I was a labor Prefect so I thought it had something to do with that. Got there and they were throwing accusations around me and asking that I confess to being a lesbian. I denied. For one, I didn’t really believe that I was. Anyways they kept prodding and threatening me with expulsion, that they had eyewitnesses who can swear we were seen making out. They also accused us of being evil, possessed, and corrupting the girls in my friend’s hostel. After the meeting, I called my mum and told her what had happened and when she came, I was given an expulsion letter. I had to write my WAEC from home. After the expulsion, the principal went on a smear campaign. He called an assembly to say all sorts about me. It was ridiculous now that I think of it. I should add that our parents were super supportive at the time. My brother wanted to sue but the principal threatened to withhold my certificate.
Sara, 20
I was in Jss2, so I was around 11 years old and I was in the boarding house of an all-girls school. At the time I was not aware of my queerness, but I had a senior that was particularly attached to me. One morning, I was getting dressed for school and the senior, let’s call her R, spanked me playfully with a hanger and I giggled and that was enough homosexuality for another senior who reported us to the hostel mistresses and school administration for being a lesbian and I was promptly
suspended with no investigation. I was told that the fact that both of us were practically naked and that we were engaging in “sexual practices” should have been grounds for expulsion but my mother fought the case and I was suspended for two weeks and removed from the boarding house.
Lauren, 33
When I was in secondary school, a student organized a get-together for me and my friends and somehow it became something the school tagged a “lesbian initiation.” Before I knew what was going on, I was in the principal’s office with my mother, and I was trying to convince them that I was not a lesbian nor was I a cultist just to avoid being expelled. It was time for final year exams so a lot was at stake. Fast forward to university. I fell in love with a girl and we would always walk around calling each other baby and just loving on each other the way two best friends would. And yet again, we were called to a panel but this time, we were both suspended for a year because the school is a Christian school. My mother was very disappointed and was like “there’s no smoke without fire and that I am repeating the same thing” but she was also supportive. After the suspension, my girlfriend and I returned and had to find ways not to be so in love. It was a whole mess.
Larma, 24
You really won’t understand the humiliation femme boys face in primary and secondary school for just being effeminate. It was a Sunday morning when I was called upon to testify if I knew my then friend was into homosexuality ( unknown to me my friend was caught with another boy the previous night) The news did spread at the time which led me and a couple of other guys to write statements, my friend got withdrawn by his parents, names were called out on the assembly but the “offense” wasn’t said. The punishment was to basically clean and do some menial community work. I finished from the same school, but I never for once stopped hearing untrue gossip that I’ve slept or I’ve been in a relationship with almost all the boys in school and because I was effeminate it worsened the case.
Charles, 21
I was expelled at the end of JSS1 from an all-boys Catholic boarding school. It was not because I was actually caught engaging in sexual activities with another boy, but because I was extremely feminine and everyone believed I was definitely having sex with someone else, or at the very least, it was bound to happen so I might as well be expelled. The worst part is that my parents sent me off to another all-boys Catholic boarding school after that.
Alex, 23
At 100 level I fell in love with a student representative, her name was Mia. For months we were together and after some time people started coming up to me to warn me about the relationship I had with Mia saying that a lot of people are upset about it and that some of the school authorities had started to suspect, so I listened to them and removed my self entirely from the circle. Some weeks passed and some student representatives and a school representative barged into my room and took me someplace for questioning. After so many threats, they eventually settled at saying they just wanted to get me the help I needed and that they didn’t want anything to happen so I shouldn’t be worried they just wanted to pray away the gayness from me. So I believed them because it was a priest that said he just wanted to help and pray for me.
I went back the following day for my pray and deliverance session and the priest nearly ran me over with his car calling me all sorts of names. Different versions of my story spread around campus and I became very suicidal. I faced the disciplinary panel. And two weeks after the panel I was sent home on a semester suspension. Thankfully, I still got a 4.7/5 that semester.
