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queer | Zikoko!
  • “Hanky Panky” Was a Passion Project — Daniel Orubo Wants to Tell Rich and Positive Queer Stories

    In December 2022, Daniel Orubo, content marketer, strategist and Head of Content at Piggyvest, wrapped up his animated short, Hanky Panky. A month later, he submitted the independent wuruwuru-produced project to the New York Animation Film Awards. By September 2023, Daniel’s film had appeared on the festival’s nomination list for Best Animation Short Film, eventually emerging as a semi-finalist.

    Daniel shares how a heated conversation inspired Hanky Panky, the power of storytelling and rich queer stories. He also cites his influences and what comes next for him.

    How does it feel to be recognised for your first short film?

    I was shocked to be a semi-finalist at the New York Animation Film Awards. But it felt validating. I’ve always cared about being good, not just “good for a first-timer” or “good for a Nigerian”. I want anybody anywhere to recognise the quality of my work. 

    I’ve done some editing to tighten up scripts for friends in the past, but with Hanky Panky, I got to decide what I wanted — from the look of the characters to the score — and it was fun. Although it didn’t win the award, it got that far, and for my first film, I’m very proud of that.

    What’s Hanky Panky about?

    It’s about a phone call between an aunt and the niece she suspects is a lesbian. 

    It’s based on a conversation that happened while my friends were hanging out. They’d had a joint birthday party the night before, where they danced together like friends do. The next day, an aunt called one of them with “What was that?” and “What’s going on with you two?” questions. The conversation stuck with my friend, Opemipo Aikomo (producer and co-director of Hanky Panky), who was in a car with them when it happened. He told me the story and the idea to turn it into a film.

    The friends whose story inspired Hanky Panky aren’t queer. What matters about this storyline is how the mere perception of queerness was enough to generate such animosity. But in my storytelling, I don’t feel the need to spell everything out for the audience. I allow them to decide what they want the story to represent. 

    How did the story come to life?

    At the time, Ope wanted to make an animated film and just needed a story. He really loves animation and wants to see more Nigerian stories expressed through the medium. So he took it upon himself to make this film and document the process.

    For me, I’ve always wanted to direct a short film, but when he sold it to me to direct, I wanted to refuse. I consider animation one of the highest levels of art, and I didn’t think I could pull it off on my first try. I was scared, but I trusted myself because Opemipo, who has excellent taste, trusted in my ability to do it. I did a lot of studying. Jessica A., our excellent scriptwriter, worked with what Opemipo recollected of the story, and I did some script editing.

    We took some creative liberties. The real event didn’t happen in a traffic jam or at Falomo. Those were added to make the film feel very “Lagos” and Nigerian. Osas, the main character, went from vibing to Odunsi to being angry and stuck in unending traffic. That felt very Lagos to me.

    The dance scene stood out

    In my head, their dancing wasn’t nearly as provocative as the aunty described, but that was what she saw. That’s why the scene feels almost otherworldly. 

    In my experience, when Nigerian adults see something they disagree with, their minds don’t see reality. When they see an earring on a young guy’s ear, it quickly escalates to “you must have joined bad gang”. I wanted to capture that tendency to exaggerate.

    Is Hanky Panky anything like what you expected of your first work?

    For one, I always knew my first work would be a queer story. The initial plan was a live-action short about a guy discovering his sexuality. But Opemipo’s enthusiasm sold Hanky Panky to me. I found the story exciting, and I thought making an animation would be cool.

    How long did production take?

    I started working on the character profiles in December 2020. That took two days. 

    We began filming in 2021. The whole production took two years to complete because we were obsessed with nailing details like the sound of traffic and the music they’d be listening to. There were periods when nothing happened because we had to juggle our day jobs. We’d never done it before, so we were all learning on the job.

    And it wasn’t cheap or easy. Opemipo, the producer, put money into getting it made. We had to pay to get the rights to use Odunsi’s Wetin Dey, for example. Our music director, Osarumen Osamuyi, AKA Skweird, facilitated the process. We met the payment requirement, and it was approved.

    How much does filmmaking mean to you?

    It means the world. I have a deep love for storytelling in films. 

    One of the most significant examples of how important storytelling is to me is how my parents unlearnt homophobia because of Mitch and Cam in Modern Family. They watched it without me, and suddenly, gay marriage was normal to them. 

    Storytelling is powerful. I had a similar experience as the creator of Zikoko’s Sex Life — a written series. A married woman DMd me on X that reading Sex Life made her realise she was queer. She saw herself in someone else’s story that I’d written for the series. She realised it was too similar to hers, and it made her think about things she’d never considered. She eventually left her husband. That’s how powerful stories can be.

    I want to make a Nigerian TV series that follows young people in Lagos — think of a show like Insecure. Lagos is an exciting place, and Lagosians are the most interesting people on earth. I’d love to work on that.

    What’s the most important aspect of storytelling in your opinion?

    I’m huge on realism and believable dialogue. Nothing throws me off more than hearing someone in movies or books say things I’ve never heard anyone say in real life. 

    So whenever my friends say something clever, funny or exciting, I write it down in my notes. I’m like, I’ll use this in something someday because it’s just so great. Whenever I read a script, I do it out loud to hear how it sounds to the ear, not just in my head. “Does this sound real?” “Does this sound believable?” I always strive for realism. 

    I also want to be entertaining. It doesn’t need to be the world exploding. Sometimes, just watching somebody go through something stressful can be entertaining — like Squid Game. I think it was popular for that reason. Even the spin-off game show is a hit.

    Who are your filmmaking influences?

    I like filmmakers with distinct styles. I like Barry Jenkins. He has only two films out, but they’ve been impactful. I like Denis Villeneuve too — Arrival is my shit. Georgios “Yorgos” Lanthimos is also an influence; he’s a weird and interesting filmmaker.  I look for weird and interesting films, and if I really like them, I look out for the director and watch all their work. That’s how I got into these three.

    Did you ever attend a film school?

    Daniel: No, not yet. It’s expensive. I actually picked up content writing to save up for film school. My friends have encouraged me to keep learning independently and do what I can before film school falls into place.

    I agree with them because I wanted to find my voice first. Working on Hanky Panky has made me recognise my passion for telling relatable queer stories. Now, I’m ready to attend a film school with some experience.

    How would you describe your style

    I’m not sure I’ve fully formed a style yet, but I’m drawn to telling queer stories, real queer stories. Besides Hanky Panky, I’ve produced Feel Good, a written anthology of happy queer stories available online. Schitt’s Creek inspired it. There’s a queer couple in it, and they’re one of my favourite fictional couples because they’re so happy and healthy from start to finish. The other shoe never dropped; I’m not used to that.

    But at the same time, only showing the positive side isn’t rich enough. It doesn’t give you the whole story. In Hanky Panky, we showed that moving into the world as a queer (or queer-presenting) person also comes with unnecessary stress.

    Will you ever make a film out of “Feel Good”?

    A lot of people are already saying they need more. That’s validation, and if a studio wants to help us fund a film adaptation, who are we to say no? 

    We did Hanky Panky on our own and put it on YouTube. It’s a passion project. We didn’t sell it to any production house. Opemipo’s independent studio, wuruwuru, made it happen. Making another film requires an adequate budget.

    So, as a burgeoning Nollywood guy, what was your favourite Nollywood production of 2023?

    Breath of Life

    I don’t watch many Nollywood films where a very internal or deep emotion drives the story. Breath of Life gave me that. As much as I love spectacle, a good human drama will always do it for me.

    What’s next for you?

    I’m still trying to gauge how Hanky Panky performs. If there’s an opportunity, I want it, but I also try to be realistic. I want to see what I can do career-wise, maybe make some money to continue making passion projects. I’m leaning more towards making more money as a content strategist.

    Your content writing career is just to raise money for your future films?

    Everybody needs money. But I’ve never done a job I wasn’t passionate about. Being a multi-disciplinary creative has allowed me to try my hands at writing, content creation, content marketing and more. I’ll never see it as only raising money.


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  • Love Life: I Moved to Be Closer to Her

    The subjects of this week’s Zikoko’s Love Life Lade(22) and Leah(23) tell us about leaving their partners to be with each other. They also share with us what led to their one-hour breakup and moving to be closer to each other. 

    Tell me about how you met

    Lade: We met at an event in January 2020. We’d been mutuals on Twitter before then, but hadn’t interacted much. I saw a tweet of hers one day and realised she lived in Ibadan. I was part of a queer group at the time and was looking for more women to join so I dm’ed her and invited her to come to the event we were attending. 

    At the time, I didn’t have any real plans to make a move because I’d seen a tweet she made where she said she was 16. When we met, I thought she was gorgeous so I decided to confirm her age again which is when she explained that she was 21 and the tweet was a joke. That’s when I dropped some of my smoothest lines and we had a lot of fun at the event, but then she left me to talk to another woman

    Leah: I thought it was clear that I was kidding about my age. The only reason I tweeted I was 16 years old was because I was sick of cishet men following and dm’ing me. 

    Also, it was one smooth-ish line and you forgot to follow up on it. About the other woman, the babe and had been talking for a bit. It would’ve been rude if I didn’t say hi. 

    What was the line? 

    Leah: I told her she was beautiful then she said she wasn’t going to compliment me because she didn’t want me to think that it was a back-at-ya kinda thing. She said she was going to tell me when I least expected it or had forgotten about it. I assumed she meant before the day/event ended but noooooo. She never did. Who does that? 

    Lade: I was much smoother than that, please. I said at some point during the event, you’d find me staring at you and that’s when I’d tell you how beautiful I thought you were. 

    Leah: Okay, but did you? 

    Lade: To be fair, there was that moment where you were walking barefoot and your gown was doing this thing and I did tell you that you looked like an angel then. 

    Leah: Doesn’t count. 

    Was that when you knew you both caught feelings? 

    Lade: It wasn’t until a couple of days later when she invited me over to sleep at her place. I made some weed milk to take along and we got trippy when we drank some of it. I remember everything feeling like a movie and me promising to make a film based on us. Then we were staring at each other and I suddenly realised “Shit, I’m in trouble”. I think I said that to her even. She asked what I meant and I just told her I really liked her. I didn’t tell her I was in love with her because I was in a relationship and I didn’t want to face what that meant at the time. 

    Leah: That night was perfect. It felt like we were the only ones on the planet. I knew I had caught feelings that night as well. The combination of painting her nails blue, the lighting, her smile and our conversations about nothing and everything felt so right. I didn’t want her to leave the next day. 

    Cute. So tell me about this relationship you were in. 

    Lade: I was in an open relationship but we’d been having some issues. My long-distance girlfriend at the time came to Ibadan for Valentine’s and we’d hoped to sort out those issues then. Unfortunately, things felt stilted throughout the stay and a couple of hours after she left Ibadan, I called and broke up with her.

    Leah: I had ended my relationship before she did. Things were kinda rocky for her because she was still trying to figure out how to go forward with her relationship. She didn’t want to hurt her partner and I didn’t want to ruin anything. I tried to balance staying away and also being there for her but the staying away part was difficult.

    After she broke up with her partner, I knew the right thing to do would be to take things slow and give everyone time to heal but I was hooked on this woman. The next thing I knew, two weeks later, I found myself in her house asking her how long I was going to have to wait for her to ask me to be her girlfriend. She said she was working on a special proposal but I didn’t want to wait any longer. 

    Lade: Women are so impatient. I didn’t want to ask her to be my girlfriend immediately because I didn’t want her to think she was a rebound. I was also trying to plan some special gesture to ask her out, but she came over one day and looked at me and said “So when do you plan on asking me to be your girlfriend?”

    Did the special proposal still happen? 

    Lade: No. The moment she asked me that, I asked her to be my girlfriend and that was it. We’ve been together for almost 3 years now. 

    Leah: I can’t believe it’s been that long and I also can’t believe it’s been that short. 

    Lade: There’s so much about her to love. I love how smart she is — I love bouncing ideas off her or having her edit my work. She’s also so king and caring and not just to me. I remember a pride picnic we had in 2022 and everyone was drinking, smoking, or playing games and my wife was just randomly making a charcuterie board and organising food and drinks to make sure everyone got some of each item. I admire how she’s able to keep friendships and be there for people, especially because it’s something I struggle with.

    Leah: It’s funny she thinks I’m a good people-person because I think she’s better at it than me. She has a way of lighting up any room and she’s so sweet and thoughtful. 

    So it’s been all roses and butterflies? 

    Lade: Not completely. There’s having to navigate family. We’re both out to our parents, but only her parents know what we are to each other. She has spent two New Year’s with me at my mum’s place in Lagos and I introduced her as my friend each time. 

    So there was all that navigation and being worried that the smallest looks, words, or touches, would make my mum suspicious. 

    I spent Christmas in 2022 at her parents’ place though and they were very welcoming and kind even though they knew about us. 

    RELATED: Love Life: Telling Our Parents Made Our Relationship Easy

    Were Leah’s parents always so welcoming?

    Leah: In late 2020, when I finally told them that Lade was my girlfriend, things were difficult. My mum had said that I shouldn’t invite her over because my dad wouldn’t be comfortable with that so for about a year and a half, I could only visit her at her place and go on dates. 

    Lade didn’t like that she couldn’t come over to be with me whenever I was feeling down or sick. She was worried that it was one-sided, me being the one who had to show up. I understood where she was coming from but I was just glad that I got to see her and that I wasn’t “banned” from hanging out with her. It’s even one of the reasons we “broke up”. 

    Tell me about this breakup

    Lade: Well, it lasted for about an hour and it was because I was being very self-centered. 

    At some point in our relationship, we created a group chat that we called “Let it out” where you could rant in vns about things the other person did that upset us. The other person wasn’t supposed to listen to the vn unless they were permitted to. Part of the reason we created the group chat was because we didn’t have people we could vent to about each other and sometimes all you needed to do was vent.

    One midnight, I sent this 20-minute-long vn to the group and then gave her permission to listen. The main issue I was venting about at the time was that I didn’t feel like I was a priority to her. 

    Leah is really close to her family and she was still trying to navigate her new relationship with them now that she was out to them. I was a student with no care at the time so I could drop everything and show up whenever she needed me, but she stayed with her family, etc so I didn’t feel like she felt the same with me. It felt like we’d never get to a point where she would, for example, move out of her parents’ and move in with me because she was constantly worried about who’d take care of them if she left. 

    Anyway, she dropped everything and came over that morning to talk it out, but as I said, I was being very inconsiderate and selfish. We didn’t quarrel or anything, I think there was just this soft implication that since it didn’t seem like she could leave her parents for me, maybe we should break up.

    I had never cried that hard in my life. We just sat in the room crying. After like 15-30 minutes, she packed her stuff and left. I was still standing by the door crying when she came back and said something like “were you really going to let me leave?” 

    And then there was more crying and talking and then we made up. She called her parents and told them she’d be staying over at mine that day.

    Leah: You weren’t being inconsiderate, babe. I understood where you were coming from. I could’ve communicated better and actually tried to see you more. Yes, I was worried about my parents and stuff but I was also just scared to bring you/us up a lot of times. If I’m being honest, avoiding that conversation with my parents seemed easier. I’m glad that talk/mini break-up happened because it was the kick I needed to just adult up and focus more on you, me, and us.

    Okay, so back to the conversation with your mum. Why aren’t you having it yet Lade? 

    Leah: To be honest, I don’t want her to rush it. Things in my house were awkward when I came clean about my relationship. I don’t regret it but it definitely was tough. I think she should still enjoy how things are with her mum right now. 

    Lade: I keep coming up with reasons why it’s just not the right time yet. I’ve also been trying to figure out the best medium for it.

    The bulk of the conversations we’ve had about my sexuality have been face-to-face but I don’t know if that’s the best medium. One of the times someone outed me to her, she waited for like a week to digest it and calm down and then sent me a long message. In the message, she mentioned that she intentionally waited to digest it so she wouldn’t say something she didn’t mean or something she’d regret. And in one of the face-to-face conversations we had, she did end up saying something that hurt me a bit.

    So I’ve been trying to decide if I should tell her over the phone or via text so she has time to digest it first or if I should tell her face-to-face because it’s a serious conversation. 

    I think subconsciously, it’s also because of what Leah said. I don’t stay with my mum so things wouldn’t be awkward in the house, but my mum and I have a good relationship at the moment so I’m dreading upsetting it again. 

    RELATED: Love Life: I’m Scared to Tell My Parents About Him

    I wish you luck with that. And as for your relationship with each other now, what’s it like? 

    Leah: In May 2022, she moved close to my area and now lives about 8-10 minutes away from me. The night she moved here, my dad scolded me for not inviting her over. He said she shouldn’t be alone, especially with no light and water, in a new house. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I texted her immediately and asked if she’d like to come over.

    Since then, she’s been coming over at least once a week. My dad said I didn’t have to be informing him every time she’s coming over but I still get nervous telling my mum. 

    Lade: Honestly, I moved because the place I was staying in before was in horrible condition, but the location was specifically chosen so I could be close to her. I intentionally only looked for places around her side. 

    When my agent told me about my current place and I saw how close it was to hers, I dropped work and jumped bike to meet him before it would get snapped up and I made a down payment the same day.

    That’s cute. On a scale of 1-10, how’ll you rate your love life? 

    Lade: A 10. It’s interesting because our relationship progresses as we go. We had a few minor fights in the first year, but we’ve worked through so much and have a good understanding of each other now. Somehow it feels like I’m more in love with her now than I ever was. 

    Leah: A 10. We’ve grown so much together. Our communication skills have improved a LOT and we know how to read each other. I’m grateful for the minor fights we’ve had because we always became stronger and more connected after settling. Like my wife said, I fall more and more in love with her each day. It’s crazy. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We Found Out We Have Chemistry in a Chemistry Lab

  • Love Life: We’re Roommates Who Fell in Love

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Adaeze* (21) and Angel* (23) were roommates who fell in love along the line. In this episode of Love Life, they talk about developing feelings during the ASUU strike, hiding their romance from their other roommates and navigating religious guilt and internalised homophobia. 

    Tell me your first impression of each other 

    Adaeze: It was September 2021, the beginning of a new school session. She was one of the last people to move into our room, but immediately she came in, she started smiling and talking to everyone as if she’d known us before. 

    Angel: The first time I saw her, I didn’t even think we’d have a good relationship. We didn’t talk as much as I did with my other roommates. She didn’t seem like a social person. 

    The first night we had a conversation, she was saying some homophobic things, so I thought we’d be cordial at best. 

    Adaeze: Yet here I was thinking we’d be friends. I liked the energy she brought into the room. She may have wanted to just be cordial, but I was determined to get to know her better. 

    How did the shift from roommates to friends happen? 

    Angel: The next day, we got a chance to actually have more one-on-one conversations over time. We had this “midnight friendship” where we’d be up together when everyone else was asleep, talking about how our day went. She’s such a good listener. 

    Before I knew what was happening, I was looking forward to having conversations with her. She was so sweet, constantly getting things I wanted and going out of her way to make sure I was comfortable. She’d lay my bed for me or get me food when I’m hungry. 

    Adaeze: I think it dawned on me how close we’d gotten when her birthday rolled around. She’d resumed school a week to her birthday, so of course, we barely knew each other by then, but I wanted to buy her a gift. 

    I kept fighting the urge, so I eventually ended up not doing it. I regretted it so badly because I didn’t think she got as much care as she deserved. Whatever I’d have given her would’ve made a significant difference. I didn’t do it because I didn’t want her to think I was crazy or for her to interpret my actions wrongly. 

    In the past, I’d cared so much about the female friends in my life that people made jokes that I liked girls. It always scared me and hurt my feelings. 

    Angel: It’s not like it stopped you because you bought me food every night from a place I mentioned I liked. 

    Adaeze, why did the jokes bother you? 

    Adaeze: I was scared they were right and I actually liked girls. It was an internal battle because I knew I liked boys, and I thought it could only be one or the other. That’s when I learnt about being bisexual and that was scary too. 

    I’m a Christian. All my life, I’d been taught liking the same sex was wrong. That’s why when Angel helped me point out I had feelings for my best friend, I was so sad. It felt like I had this huge secret I had to spend the rest of my life keeping. 

    Angel: I remember when she came to meet me about her problems. It was February 2022, just before we went on strike. Her best friend had gone on a date with a man, and Adaeze had been sulking the entire day. She’d cooked food at around 5 p.m. and was about to eat when her best friend came back. Someone who’d not eaten all day, she left the room to meet the babe and even slept there. When she came back around 12 p.m. the next day, she kept complaining to me about how hurt she was by her friend going on a date. 

    I couldn’t believe she was so oblivious to her feelings. Everyone in the room could tell she had feelings for her best friend, but not Adaeze. She thought it was just “friendship”. 

    We talked about it and she realised her feelings were not the type you’d have for a friend. Seeing her so hurt about it hurt me too. I wished I could make all her pain disappear. It also made me aware of how jealous I was of their relationship. I had a crush on Adaeze, and I wanted her to feel as strongly for me as she did for this babe. 

    Adaeze: My midnight friend was my only confidant during that period. No matter how busy she was with school and work, whenever I told her I needed to talk, she’d drop everything and attend to me. Then the strike happened and our conversations didn’t immediately translate well over text. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We Finally Met Up Because of Christmas Chicken

    What was it like? 

    Angel: Too much time at home, so I was depressed and unable to text. We didn’t talk as much as we did when we were in school. 

    Adaeze: We’d reply each other’s statuses and check in once in a while. 

    Angel: But then, we started calling each other and the conversations were much better. We could be on the phone from 9 p.m. to 3 a.m. I don’t think a day went by without us speaking to each other. Even if it was just to see how the other person was doing.  

    Adaeze: Initially, we mostly discussed the issues I had with my best friend, but over time, it became “I just want to hear Angel’s voice.”

    Angel: Sometime in May, I jokingly said that I liked her but was going to suppress it because of her feelings for the other babe. From then, she started to question her feelings towards me and admitted it was beyond platonic. 

    Did it go beyond declaring feelings for each other? 

    Angel: In August, she asked me to be her girlfriend, but we broke up about a month later. Small love wey everyone dey love, e reach my turn, I chop breakfast. 

    Adaeze: I got back from church one day, feeling really bad about being bisexual.  I knew I wasn’t myself, and I didn’t want to carry that energy into our relationship. So I broke up with her. 

    Angel: While I was hurt, I understood how hard it was for her. If there’s anything I’m sure of in my life, it’s that I love her and she loves me just as much. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We Became Lovers by Accident

    How was it like when school resumed? 

    Angel: I was so excited to get to see her again. The strike was eight long months, and I missed her. We’ve been unable to stay apart. We’re always cuddling or just staying together, marvelling at each other. 

    I remember when she got dressed to go to church one day, but when she realised it meant leaving me, she sat back down and said she couldn’t go. 

    Adaeze: We talked over the phone throughout my journey to school, and she was the first person I wanted to see as soon as I arrived. I was worried how the other roommates would handle it, but she reminded me that we already spent so much time together and liked each other’s company. That it was nothing new for our roommates to see us being together. 

    Angel: We try to behave so our roommates don’t suspect too much, but behaving is hard. The attraction we share is really strong. Sometimes, she just finds herself on my bed, her hands on my thighs. Other times, it’s me on her bed, unwilling to let go of her.

    Adaeze: Her presence soothes me, and I try to hold on to it for as long as possible. 

    How’ll you describe your relationship?  

    Angel: We’re great friends, and I never want that to change, so we’ll stick to being friends who love each other.

    Adaeze: It’s like honey the world will let us taste and enjoy but won’t let us keep. 

    Angel: In an ideal world, I’d be in a committed relationship with her. I just want to live and do everything with her without having to jeopardise our safety or relationship with family.

    Adaeze: The ideal world is where I get to watch her sleep, be beside her when she wakes up, do all the work and make so much money she won’t need to work. I want to buy her anything she’ll ever want and ensure she’s treated like the princess she is. 

    I want to raise kids with her. Kids who’ll be such a plus to the world and consider themselves lucky to be raised in a home full of love. Whenever Angel walks into a place, it becomes paradise, so our kids will be raised in paradise.

    God, abeg. How’d you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10? 

    Angel: 9 and a half for me. Even though we can’t be together right now, there’s love here and it keeps me at ease. I struggle with depression and anxiety, and on most days, I don’t want to be alive. But when I’m around her, I feel alive and unbothered about everything. The remaining half is for the homophobia that pops up to give us a reality check that there’s a price to pay to be together as we want.

    Adaeze: 9. I feel safe, loved and looked out for. Loving her is so easy because she gives me reasons to day after day. She doesn’t stress me over anything. She’s so smart and thinks ahead about how I’ll take things when she says/does anything. 

    The remaining 1 is because of homophobia too. Knowing that just the existence of our love puts our lives at risk hurts me. If I could, I’d create a world just for us, where we could be anything we want without the fear of discrimination. 

    RELATED: Love Life: Our Friendship Means More to Us Than Our Love

  • All the Perks of Being in a Polyamorous Relationship

    Every two business days, someone is always talking about how being polyamorous is easy and full of perks, and we totally agree! No, you don’t need to put more effort into communicating with your partner or anything because these seven perks make polyamorous relationships easy to manage. 

    Now three people can break your heart in the same week

    What’s better than one soul-crushing heartbreak? Three! Imagine crying about three people you love and having to go to work and smile the next day. Sounds amazing, innit? Worse? You’ll be going through a breakup while being in a happy relationship and feeling bad about being sad when it can’t be helped. 


    RELATED: Dismantling 7 Myths About Polyamory


    You’ll always know how all your money disappears 

    Don’t you just love the security that comes with opening your banking app and seeing no money? The universe loves you so much that two of your partners were born in the same month, and both of their love languages are gift-giving. While others get the luxury of never knowing what they spent their salary on, you will always know. Loves cost everything, oh, arms and legs included. 

    Your dating pool is even smaller

    I mean, if there was a world record for most blocked in a year, you’ll probably win, and that’s something! Don’t you just love having even fewer options now? Precisely and if you think about it, you’ll learn how to get over heartbreaks faster, which can be a superpower!

    Everyone and their daddies will judge you for free

    So what if you can never bring your partner home to your parents? Think about how you cut bills on streaming platforms, rent, and cab billings, and see how good you’ve got it. Yes, by all means, friend that cheats on his partner unprovoked, tell me how being poly is wrong I’m very interested in your opinion!

    Spending all your time on the road

    You’ll have so much fun being stuff in traffic just to visit different partners outside the hours capitalism already steals; that’s so cute. The best part? When you put on your CV that you’re great at time management, you can attach your cab trip history for proof. 

    Being great at sharing

    Earthly possessions are meaningless anyways, so what if all the clothes in your wardrobe are gone now, and you buy double the usual groceries? You’ll quickly get used to sharing that favourite drink you don’t even let your siblings breathe around, and it won’t be a problem. 

    Peace of mind

    All your partners will love each other and live in peace and harmony, which will, in turn, give you peace of mind. No, come on, you’re not going to spend all your weekends settling fights because you spent more time with one person over the other. It’s all sunshine and rainbows. 


    READ ALSO: Practising Polyamory in Ifo, Ogun State, on a ₦400k Monthly Income

  • Sunken Ships: Homophobia Made Us Go From Best Friends to Strangers

    Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    The subject of this week’s Sunken Ships is Arike* (26), who tells us how her mum was her best friend until she came out to her as bisexual. 

    Tell me about your mum

    Arike: When I was three years old, my dad died. It was just my mum, my two older brothers and I from the moment he passed. And they were hit harder than I was. I barely knew the man and was too young to understand the loss. 

    My mum tried so hard to compensate for my dad’s death. She worked so hard to put the three of us through school, and she still put in the effort to be there for us emotionally. She came for every PTA meeting, open day, visiting day, Christmas carol, etc. She always found a way to just be there for us. 

    The older we got, the fewer responsibilities she had to bear alone. She relaxed a bit when my brothers grew older and started caring for themselves and me. 

    Whenever people told my mum to remarry, she would say it wasn’t something she was interested in. She told them we had a system and adding someone to our lives meant we’d disrupt this system we spent so much time perfecting. 

    What was the system like?  

    Arike: If anything was wrong with the home’s generator, fridge, television or any other electrical appliance, my oldest brother handled it. He had a knack for separating things and trying to put them together again. 

    My second brother handled the cleanup. He’s very tidy and obsessed over which cleaning products to use for which part of the house. He took great pride in having the place spotless. 

    My mum and I handled feeding. She’d started teaching us all how to cook by the time we turned eight, but my two brothers were disasters in the kitchen. That’s how my mum and I became very close. We’d spend time cooking and just talking. About each other’s day, school and life. 

    Our bond grew with each meal we made, and when it was time for me to go to secondary school at 11, I didn’t want to leave her. After my first year, I begged her to remove me from the boarding house and make me a day student. The thought of her spending so much time alone because all her children were in school? I didn’t like it. I think she didn’t like it too because she agreed without fighting. 

    Was it only cooking you bonded over? 

    Arike: No. When  I was the only child at home, we did everything together. I basically moved into her room because I thought actively living in two different rooms gave me more places to clean. 

    We’d run errands, watch movies and go to the spa. All my mum’s friends called me her handbag because she never went anywhere without me. We’d even go on international trips together. She was my best friend, and I was grateful to have her in my life. She was there for all my significant milestones, from my first period to my first heartbreak. There was nothing about myself I couldn’t tell my mum, but all that changed. 

    Why did it change? 

    Arike: Valentine’s Day of 2011. I was 14 and was waiting around school with a friend who was a day student as well. School had closed, but we stayed back in class to finish some assignments. 

    After a while, we gave up on the assignments and started talking. That’s when she gave me a note for Valentine’s Day. I always knew I treated her differently than I did a lot of people, but I thought it was because we were very close friends. 

    After I read the note, we hugged. Then she kissed me. I was shocked, and my initial reaction was to pull away, but then, I relaxed a bit and actually liked it. From then on, something changed in how I spoke to my mum. I started keeping secrets from her. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: There’s Not Much I Need My Father for Now

    Why secrets? 

    Arike: After that kiss, I kissed many more girls, either at parties or in empty classrooms. I liked it a lot. I knew I’d always want to do it, but I wasn’t sure how to define myself. I still liked men, but I wasn’t sure how my realised attraction to women fit in. 

    I liked to read, so I Googled a lot of questions like, “Is it possible to like men and women?” That’s when I figured out bisexuality. 

    I couldn’t tell anyone. As much as I liked kissing girls, I also realised it wasn’t something society encouraged. I remember church services in which they’d preach against homosexuality and my mum’s comments about queer Western couples we saw in the media. I’d heard stories of how being queer had scattered families, and I didn’t want to lose my mum’s love and friendship. 

    But you eventually told her?

    Arike: Yeah, I did somewhat recently. My brothers had found out about it. They followed me on social media and saw some of my comments and posts, so they asked me one day if I was gay. I told them I’m bisexual and they took it pretty well. They asked if I would tell our mother, but I said I was looking for the right time. 

    That time came when I visited my mum for a couple of days. I had moved out when I was 23 and occasionally came to spend time with her when I could tell she was missing me. 

    The night before I left on that particular visit, I stayed in her room like I used to and told her I had something to say. I told her about my first kiss with a woman, liking women and how I’ve even dated some in the past. 

    She listened to me without saying a word, and although it made me scared to talk about it, I had to. I knew it’d significantly reduce my anxiety, so I powered through. When I was done, she said she was going to bed. I went back to my room and slept too. 

    The following day, she didn’t leave her room. I don’t know what she was doing inside, but I knew she wouldn’t come out until after I left. I won’t lie; it hurt — a lot.

    I considered my mum my closest confidant, but she couldn’t even look at me when I told her I was bisexual. It took a month before we spoke again. She told me being bisexual meant men were still an option and I should choose it. That’s when it dawned on me that she wouldn’t get it. I couldn’t decide who I would fall in love with, and if she couldn’t accept that, then we’d have problems. 

    What was the worst part of not being able to talk to her? 

    Arike: The fact that I couldn’t tell her anything anymore. I couldn’t tell her about my girlfriend or all the new queer friends I’d made. I couldn’t tell her about funny relationship drama or when I got my heart broken. I couldn’t go to her house and have her make me amala and ewedu while we gist in the kitchen.

    However, I still tried to keep her up to date with my life. I’d send her gifts like I usually do, texts about what’s going on in my life and why. She hardly ever replied, and if she did, it was with an emoji or “ok”. My mum has always been chatty, so it wasn’t because she didn’t know what to say.

    Did she ever come around? 

    Arike: Yes, she did. My brothers were talking to her. They asked if she would choose homophobia over speaking to her only daughter again. I think that made her realise if she continued ignoring me because of my sexuality, I’d stop making an effort too. I was already reducing my texts and gifts. Slowly, I was removing myself from her life. 

    Now, she’s making baby steps. She still occasionally prays for me to find a good husband, but when my girlfriend and I broke up, I told her about it. She listened and sent me some cookies she baked to cheer me up. 

    I know she’s trying her best, but our old relationship is gone, and I don’t think it’ll ever come back.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

  • Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s sex life is a 26-year-old lesbian woman who is rediscovering her attraction to women. She talks about the rumours that made her start dating men, the guilt that came with having sex with women and currently reexploring her attraction to women.

    Tell me about your first sexual experience 

    I was 13 years old and in SS3 when a friend of mine and I rubbed up on each other for the first time. On that day, I was talking to some of my friends about how I missed my two boyfriends and wanted to be kissed. And she kissed me. Although it was dark, people saw the kiss happen and laughed. We talked after and she told me to teach her how to kiss because that was her first kiss. We made out every day for two weeks before she called it off because she felt guilty. 

    RELATED: 9 Nigerians Talk About Being Queer and Religious

    That’s a lot of sexual activity for a 13-year-old 

    I knew I liked women since I was in secondary school, but I never really knew what to do about liking women. Boys at school used to ask me out a lot because I was very pretty. One boy in particular was so persistent. He was constantly buying me gifts and begging to be my boyfriend. At a point, my classmates started begging me to say yes to him. 

    So I started accepting their proposals so they’d stop. Since I was saying yes to everyone, people started calling me a slut. 

    The slut-shaming made me decide to actually start acting like who they thought I was. I’d date one guy and his best friend because that’s what was expected from me. I just never had sex with any of them until I was 15. 

    What happened when you were 15? 

    I had a 20-year-old boyfriend. I was doing my A levels, and he was in university. I was peak in my reclaiming my sluttiness era and felt in control of my life. 26-year-old me realises I was a minor without any real control of any situation, but 15-year-old me felt on top of the world. 

    That’s why I decided to have sex with him. I felt I knew what I was doing. Plus, I got tired of him constantly hinting at sex and decided to just have sex with him. It became a continuous thing that lasted for three months into the relationship, and five months after, we broke up. 

    The funniest part of having sex with him was that I kept convincing myself I enjoyed it and that’s what sex was supposed to be like. When I had sex with a woman a year later, I realised I had been deceiving myself. 

    Tell me about this woman. 

    I met her on Facebook and got a sense that she was gay. I liked her and asked if she was queer but she flat out denied it. She was so defensive about it, so I apologised and went my merry way. Only for her to switch up on me the next day and start telling me she wanted to see me and all of that. 

    I was still doing my A levels then, so she came to see me in school. While we were trying to take a picture of ourselves sitting together, she turned around and kissed me. From there, we went to the bathroom and had sex. 

    Was this when you accepted you were queer?

    I wish. After sex with this woman, I didn’t even come out to myself as a lesbian yet. I already knew I liked women, but having sex with the woman wasn’t enough to cause that. It just made me more aware of my attraction. I still felt I needed to have a boyfriend or like men. However, I still liked women and developed deep feelings for these women. My solution to this was to a boyfriend and a girl I was sleeping with by the side.

     I had fallen in love with another friend when I was 17, but I thought it was just me being “freaky”. I didn’t come out to myself as a lesbian until I fell in love again at the age of 19. 

    How did that happen? 

    Well, I had a boyfriend who was emotionally and physically abusive to me, and I was cheating on him with a male friend of mine. The male friend introduced me to a babe, and the girl and I got really close. 

    She had a boyfriend as well, but we hooked up. Comparing the sex I had with her to the sex I had with the men helped me realise I didn’t want to continue having mid sex with men. The satisfaction I got from her romantically and sexually was the kind of life I wanted to live. 

    She was also very political and gave me books about lesbianism. We’d talk about my attraction to women and running away together. It helped me realise I had been suppressing myself and the fact that I had slept with men didn’t mean I wasn’t a lesbian. I broke off my relationship with the guy, and although he was angry, I moved on.  

    Did you and the woman make things official?

    We were together for about four years. The relationship was too toxic for us to continue and I decided to end it.

    Explain toxic…

    It was a lot of emotional abuse. She’d shut me out, and I’d get so angry. I’d say hurtful things toward her. We were terrible for each other. 

    RELATED: 5 Nigerian Women Talk About Being in Toxic Relationships

    What happened after the relationship ended? 

    After it ended, I had one more sexual partner before I got into another relationship. This was my second relationship after coming out as a lesbian. The sex was soft and sweet. I was in love with them and whenever they touched me, it felt like butterflies. The sex was very vanilla and a stark contrast to what I had in my first relationship, but I was in love. 

    Did you miss the less vanilla sex? 

    I won’t say I missed it. I don’t think one type of sex is better than the other. Especially because it was a bit different. What I do know is that I enjoyed that new dynamic with this second partner. 

    A year into our relationship, we opened it up and I got a chance to explore other people. We eventually closed up the relationship when we knew we were going to break -up. Closing the relationship up made me realise I miss the freedom to explore other women. That’s why I did just that when we broke up. 

    How do you know you’re going to break up with a partner?

    We were fighting a lot, so we talked about breaking up six months after we opened the relationship. We loved each other and didn’t want things to end, but the fighting was a lot. The six months was so we could be more intentional about loving each other. 

    When we broke up, I started exploring other women. 

    Tell me about that.

    The relationship ended in 2020, and I’ve used the last two years to have a lot of sex and discover not just myself but also women. 

    One thing I’ve learnt about sex is that with every new partner, there might be a different dynamic that comes with the relationship. The person I am currently sleeping with is a talker during sex. She’s constantly asking me what I like and how I like it. I really enjoy that. That’s a dynamic I wasn’t exposed to in the beginning. 

    For me, sex is more of the journey than the destination. My goal when having sex is to not have an orgasm but instead to pleasure myself, and I’m doing a lot of that now. 

    So, what’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    I’m getting a lot of pleasure from the sex I am having. I’m having sex with women who are sure of themselves and their sexuality. There’s no guilt attached and I get to learn so much more about myself. Definitely going to give it a 9.5. 

  • Sex Life: “I Don’t Want To Have Sex With A Woman And Waste Her Time”

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old queer man who talks to us about his first orgy, meeting sex partners online, and his desire to sleep with a woman.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    When I was about 15, we had this family that lived next door and had two kids — a boy and a girl who were both a year ahead of me in school. My first few sexual experiences were with both of them.

    Both?

    LOL. It wasn’t at the same time, and they still don’t know that I’d done things with the other.

    So what happened with each of them?

    I was a horny teenager who thought they were hot. For the brother, we would give each other handjobs when we were alone watching TV. We watched TV alone many times.

    And the sis?

    With his sister, it started a little later. Our families were obsessed with this series called El Cuerpo del Deseo. Whenever it came on and any of us didn’t have light, we would either put on the generator in our house or my parents would just let us go to their house to watch it. This was usually when we would sneak out to go and make out.

    How long did this go on?

    It lasted for about a year until they both had to go to university. I was writing WAEC, but I was also still a horny 16-year-old so I joined this old social media app called 2go and started talking to people off the platform.

    2go had rooms where you could find people with similar interests, and there was this one I was in called “Naija Gay”. People would come on and drop information about themselves like “Onitsha, Bottom”, basically telling anyone who was around Onitsha and wanted to link with a bottom all they needed to know.

    For me, any budding conversation usually would end when they asked me to see them or to meet them somewhere because at this time, I had no money, and I wasn’t about to ask my mother for transport money to go and meet a stranger.

    Did you eventually meet someone there?

    I got a text from someone I had been chatting with saying he was at my junction and would like us to have sex at his friend’s house, which was close by.

    I’m not sure why, but I said yes. When we got to his friend’s house, he said he would top me and I could top his friend who was a bottom.

    How did it go?

    Oh, it was horrible. It was my first time, and he was so rough and hadn’t even tried to ease me into it. It was such a horrible experience. After we were done, I packed my things and left that place. I didn’t have sex for some time after that.

    Did this experience taint sex for you?

    Not at all. I didn’t have sex mostly because I got into the university and spent the first year living in the hostel. There was definitely no chance for any of that when I had roommates.

    In my second year, I moved off campus to an apartment by myself. I got back online, this time both on 2go and Facebook and started meeting some new people. I didn’t like a lot of the men I was meeting.

    Why not?

    I didn’t like the men because there were not particularly to my taste. Most were older and not particularly fine.

    You’re primarily attracted to men then?

    Yes. But to be fair, I am also attracted to women. I’ve had huge crushes on women and been very attracted to them as well. I lean more towards men, but gender is not the most important thing. I like a vibe.

    You were meeting men you didn’t like; when did you finally get to have sex?

    In my second year. I remember meeting this guy online who lived in one of the towns around my school, and I went to see him. He gave some excuse about why we couldn’t have sex in his house and took me to one valley.

    Valley? And you went?

    Yes, I did. We had sex in the open there. I topped him.

    How was that?

    It wasn’t bad. I’m open to trying things. Well, except BDSM. I think I’m too kind for that.

    But one of the exciting things I’ve tried was an orgy. I’ve been to three orgies, but the first one was the most memorable.

    How did that happen?

    So this was post-university. I was working on Christmas day and talking to this guy I met on a dating app. He asked if I wanted to be in an orgy. I’ll admit I didn’t immediately know what he was talking about. I thought he had asked me if I wanted “oji”, which is igbo for kolanut. I was very confused, but then I thought harder and it hit me. I told him sure. I mean, why not. 

    Before then, I considered myself someone who didn’t do too much — the most I’d done were threesomes. I went there straight from work. In the house, I found six other men naked smoking and drinking. When they tried to offer me drinks and things to smoke, I told them I didn’t indulge and they laughed at me asking “How you wan take do this thing now?” I was like, “God will provide”.

    The orgy lasted for hours, and it was so good. We each got turns with other people. It was so good that one of the men asked me to marry him that day. This was a gathering where we didn’t know each other’s names, but this man went on to get my number and pester me for almost three years.

    Oh wow. Are there any things you are looking forward to trying?

    I feel like I would like to have sex with a woman. But there’s a lot of politics playing out in my head. I worry about doing it and realising it’s not something I’m into and then it feels like I’ve wasted someone’s time or maybe it’s a case of internalised homophobia — which I don’t think I have.

    How would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d rate it a 10. I’m not having sex every day or anything, but I’m having sex when I want to have it. I have a couple of people that I’ve met through the internet and I can call them up whenever I feel like it, and that’s great for me.

  • What She Said: I’d Never Keep A Child I Didn’t Want

    The subject of this week’s What She Said is a 27-year-old queer woman who talks about being abused as a child, navigating her sexuality, and getting an abortion at the age of 20. 

    What is the earliest memory of your childhood? 

    The earliest thing I remember is being molested by my brother’s lesson teacher at age 3 or 4. I was always there during my brother’s lessons, so on this day, he asked my brother to go buy biscuits. After my brother left, he put me on the table and tried to finger me.

    I am so sorry. 

    Oh, it’s fine. My parents found out because my brother saw and the teacher got arrested. I mean, I had a bunch of other not so good experiences. I was molested multiple times by neighbours and lesson teachers, trade people that came to work in the house and even a family friend. 

    Shit. Were there any good experiences? 

    Well, when I was 9, my 12-year-old female family friend started messing around with me. I felt comfortable and I liked it. In secondary school, I knew I was attracted to some of my schoolmates. I’d even say my first relationship was with my best friend then. Back then, I didn’t know I loved her but when I think about it now, I totally did. 

    At some point, I stopped sharing my bed with friends or hugging cause I felt many types of ways and I didn’t want to act on it. I went to an all-girls Catholic school, so they preached hellfire and brimstone for lesbians.  

    I’m sorry, that must have been tough. Did you ever figure it out? 

    In 2011 when I left for university, I started watching loads of YouTube videos about gays and lesbians and started taking those “how to know if you’re a lesbian” quizzes. I figured out I was queer in 2014 but I still identified as bisexual even though I knew deep down I wasn’t attracted to men. 

    I was religious around that time so I started dating and sleeping with men a lot cause I thought that would cure me. That’s when I got pregnant.

    Woah. Pregnant

    I was 20 and the guy was a family friend. He knew about my sexuality and was someone I was relatively comfortable with. He also had a massive crush on me, but I only saw him as a friend. 

    I moved back to Nigeria from the UK in 2014 for NYSC. He was in the house and lived with my parents. In 2015, I was still figuring out my sexuality and he knew this. He would come and beg me to have sex with him. I would sometimes oblige. I didn’t particularly enjoy it, but I didn’t hate it either. 

    This particular time, it was on a Saturday night. He came to my room and begged again. I remember being completely still while he did his thing and then he came. He didn’t use a condom and I didn’t realise until I felt liquid in and on me. I let him know I was upset, cleaned myself and went to bed.

    The next morning, I got the morning after pill and took both pills as prescribed. A couple of weeks later, I felt ill.

    Shit. Omo even with the pill? 

    Yes, even with the pill. I am one of those people whose periods come at the exact day the app says it would. 

    My period was late so I knew something was wrong. I got my aunt to get me two pregnancy tests. I took one in the night and that was negative. I still wasn’t relieved because I knew something was wrong. Immediately I woke up, I took the second one immediately and it came out positive.

    I reached out to a friend who I assumed might have had a similar experience and she gave me the names of the drugs to buy for an abortion. 

    Why? 

    I’d always said I would never keep a child I didn’t want. I was also about to leave for my master’s the next year and I genuinely did not like the father as anything more than a friend. The fact that he was borderline obsessed with me meant if I kept it, he would do everything he could to be directly in my life. I knew I couldn’t let that happen. 

    Well within your right. So, how did you go about it? 

    This is where my privilege comes into play. I’d just gotten back from the UK, so I had a UK account with money in it. I googled and found an organization that delivered abortion pills around the world. They would ship the pills free but typically wanted some sort of donation so others who couldn’t afford to could get it. I paid €60 and then the wait started.

    The pills were due here in about two weeks and I was so nervous. In the meantime, my best friend and her sister who was dating a doctor helped get a prescription for the exact pills from him. We went to almost every pharmacy in the Lekki/Ajah axis and we could only find one of the pills. I think the first pill was to stop the hormones that helped pregnancy grow in the body and the second was to eject/remove the fetus from the body. We could only find the ejecting pill and not the stopping pill. I became so depressed, I contemplated suicide for the first time in my life. 

    I really could not imagine having a child at that age and worse still, with that man. Thankfully, the drug came in less than two weeks so I took them as prescribed. The website also has a doctor who checks in on you. 

    How did you feel? 

    I had the worst cramps I’d ever had in my life. I couldn’t even show the pain because no one else in my house knew what was happening except the guy, and I wasn’t talking to him. Two days after, I went to pee and felt the clot of blood slip through and I knew it was done. A week after that, I went to the hospital where I had my test done and they said somehow I wasn’t pregnant anymore. My womb was empty and for the first time in such a long time, I could finally breathe.

    Not everybody who has an abortion was raped or did not take the right precautions. Sometimes you just don’t want to be a parent so you do the right thing and let it go.

    Did you tell anyone in your family about it eventually? 

    The only person who knew in my family was my aunt, the one who bought me the pregnancy tests. She was also the first family member I came out to. I recently told my older brother about it two years ago. He didn’t really care, was just happy I was fine. 

    I don’t plan on ever telling my parents, but if they found out, they’d be disappointed. Eventually, though, they’d be fine. 

    Would you ever want children though? 

    I mean, I probably want a child or two. I had the abortion because I simply did not want to be responsible for anyone. I also didn’t want to rely on anyone and having a child would mean I’d have to lean on either family or friends.

    And about your sexuality?

    Well, it took a while because I didn’t want to be very conclusive while I wasn’t too sure. Most of my friends now say they wondered why I came out as bisexual cause they apparently all knew I was a lesbian. Now, I use queer because there is one guy I know I genuinely liked. I’m not attracted to him in any way but I just feel like saying I’m a lesbian is diminishing whatever we had then. 

    For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women like content, click here

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  • 6 Queer Nigerians Give Advice to Newer Queer People

    Sometimes, when you finally accept your sexuality as a queer Nigerian, you may not know what to do. So, these six queer Nigerians give advice to newer queer people.

    Promise

    You don’t have to label yourself. Be patient with yourself, love yourself and know that whatever you are, you deserve love and acceptance.

    Doyin

    You don’t have to come out until you are ready. The world is wicked enough to queer people. You should only do it when you are ready. When you eventually do, be ready to lose a lot of friends and family. Don’t be too worried about that, because you will find many many more that love and accept you as you are.

    Temi

    Your identity doesn’t have to fit in a single label. You’re still bisexual if you haven’t had sex or been in a relationship with anyone. Your labels and identities can change and that’s okay. You are queer enough.

    Ose

    Take it easy on yourself. Things are meant to be figured out, don’t rush your process. The world, especially Africa and the media will say so many things that probably will make you hate what you’re feeling, and in turn, hate yourself. Don’t play into that. You and your feelings are as normal as the person next to you. You’re valid.

    Everyone who has embraced their sexuality had to figure it out one way or the other. Everyone’s process is different. Don’t rush it or beat yourself up because you’re not where others are in their journey. You owe yourself love regardless of your sexuality. Self-love, love from friends who love you, love from someone who makes you feel over the moon. You deserve love.

    Curate your social media as well. The content you digest matters a lot too. Taking in homophobic content 24/7 or straight people drama will definitely not be helpful. Curating makes sure there’s enough queer content to counter the negativity. Trust me, it is very important.

    Ama

    I think that’s it’s important for everyone struggling or questioning their sexuality to know that you don’t have to be what society or your parents say you should be. You don’t have to label yourself. Be patient with yourself, love yourself and know that whatever you are, you deserve love and acceptance.

    I learned this later in life and I regret repressing my sexuality for so long because when I finally decided to live as authentically I realized I have never felt as free and as true as I am living my truth. It took 8 years and lots of hating myself and others but here I am.

    I feel seen, I feel loved, I feel true and that can never be bought or repressed. Be brave. Be loud. Be true.

    Peace

    I know this is really really hard, but only surround yourself self with people that are either queer or people that don’t have homophobic thoughts towards queerness. When you surround yourself with people that make it comfortable to be yourself, there’s less need or want for you to shrink or try to fit in. It wouldn’t matter and it sort of reshapes how you see yourself.

    Love yourself so much without needing any validation and slowly it reflects on how you think. You begin to realize you coming out is not so anyone to accepts you, because you don’t need acceptance. You’ve accepted yourself. It’s just to let people know how to address you without assuming. It takes a shit load of work, but it’s the best bet at finding peace within yourself. Also, understand whatever you identify with at the end of the day is valid.

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  • My Father Wants To Kill Me Because I Am Queer

    As told to Mariam

    I put a call out for women to tell me the things that affect their mental health most. In Ada’s* message, she said her parents found out she is queer. I was curious about how that played out and I asked more questions. Here’s what she told me:

    queer

    I am the first daughter of my Igbo family. This means I am expected to act a certain way and live a certain life as my parents’ daughter. They hate that I prefer wearing a T-shirt and jeans to the things other girls wear so my mum buys dresses for me often. She also makes sure I wear makeup before leaving the house because according to her, it makes me more womanly and more likely to find a husband. Even now that I am 26, they still insist on knowing the exact places I’m headed when I leave the house. It’s been difficult to break free from them especially because I am queer. 

    I have always known I liked girls. When I was about 14 years old, my mum had this friend she visited often, who had a daughter called Nkem*. Most times, I went with my mum to her friend’s house so I could see Nkem. She was so beautiful. She was a year younger than me so we bonded fast. We would watch movies, play video games or just talk when there was no light. I found myself drawn to her in a way I didn’t understand. I guess she felt the same way but we both didn’t know how to say it. One day, when I was at her house playing video games, as usual, she kissed me and I liked it. After the kiss, we just stayed there, leaning on the bed frame, holding hands. That was the day I confirmed I was queer. 

    Before then, I thought it was a phase that I would get over. I knew I liked some of the girls in my class in secondary school but I stayed away from them, hoping the feelings would go away. I started dating guys to distract myself but the relationships never lasted. I would kiss them but I didn’t want to do anything else with them. When my friends talked about having sex with their boyfriends and I couldn’t relate because it wasn’t something I even desired. 

    I kept forcing myself to like guys until I got into the university. I thought I had a problem because conversations with guys were always awkward. Trying to get intimate with them was even worse — it didn’t feel right. But talking to girls was easy. In my first year, I had a crush on a girl that lived in my hostel but she was three years ahead of me. I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world but I never told her because I was scared of how she would take it. 

    In my second year, I met Isoken*. I liked her and she liked me too. We would always hang out together and if we weren’t able to, we would be texting each other. I knew what we had was love so I brought it up one day and we talked about it. That’s how we started dating. Sex with her was epic — I finally understood what my friends were always gushing about. But we also had our issues. She’s from a religious home and was committed to going to church. Whenever we kissed or had sex, it was bittersweet for her because even though she liked it, she felt like she was sinning against God. One day, she loves me and another day she’s sad because she thinks God is angry with her. I understood it because I was a worker in my church at the time but I had gotten to a point where I knew nothing was wrong with me. I would tell her this but it wasn’t enough. 

    We had to end our relationship after eight months because she couldn’t deal with guilt anymore. I cried for weeks because we had both decided to stay away from each other so we could heal. It felt like hell but eventually, I got over it and was able to be friends with her. I continued dating other women after her until I graduated from university. 

    Since I returned home from school, my parents have been asking me for a boyfriend. My mum said she has never seen me with a boy before and my dad agreed. I told them I was too busy to sustain a relationship. This excuse worked until sometime during the lockdown. My dad noticed that I had not been wearing the dresses my mum bought me. He asked my siblings if they knew what was going on with me. It was funny to me because they are just clothes. However, one day, I had just returned home when my dad cornered me in the kitchen. He said, “I know you are a lesbian.” Before I could respond, he grabbed my phone. Then he said, “Open it before I slap you.” I did. He went through my pictures. He read my messages with women I was flirting with and some groups I was in with other queer people. He called me a disgrace to our family. He followed me around for the rest of the day calling me names. 

    The next day, he asked me to pray with some bible verses against the spirit of homosexuality. I pretended to so we could move on but that wasn’t the end of the harassment. A few weeks later, my father grabbed my phone again and went through my messages. He slapped me and kept insulting me until it was time to eat. Another time, he used a koboko to flog me, while threatening to kill me, “aka m ka m ga e ji gbuo gi ma obu na I choro I kwusi I bi ndu ndi okpo ntu.” That’s when I knew that I was living with a psychopath.

    What scares me most is how my father doesn’t care about how I feel or what anyone else thinks of how he treats me. I have always been the perfect child — the one with good grades and a calm demeanour. He doesn’t think of that when he is hurting me. He calls me an abomination whenever he gets the chance. On some days, he wants me to go for deliverance to cast the demon out. On other days, he is convinced he can cast it out himself. My siblings can’t do much for me except console me after his rage has subsided but when he’s there, they have to act like they hate who I am too. 

    I have fallen into depression. I have bad dreams where he is beating me nonstop until I wake up. I am now under a form of house arrest. No one can come to visit me and I can’t go out unless I am supervised. They know I’m a strong-willed person and I could run away but where would I go? I am glad I have my phone and I can still talk to some of my queer friends. I made a burner account on Twitter that I log out of often because I realised my dad could be monitoring my main account. I delete texts as soon as they come in so he doesn’t find them. I try not to spend time on my phone when I am in front of my parents or answer any calls so they don’t get suspicious and ask questions. Every day feels just as painful as the one before. I don’t know how I am ever going to leave this hell. 

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  • 7 Nigerian Lesbians Share the Funniest Misconception of Lesbians They’ve Heard

    Lesbian Visibility week started on April 26th. It is a week set aside to celebrate lesbians around the world. Being a lesbian in Nigeria sometimes involves listening to people volunteering their assumptions about lesbians. In this article, I asked 7 Nigerian lesbians the funniest misconception of lesbians they’ve heard. Here’s what they had to say:

    Funniest Misconception Of Lesbians

    Dinma, 27

    The one I keep hearing is that I hate men. They also say I have never had a good fuck from a good dick. One has even suggested that I should be have threesomes with men to enjoy sex better because there’s no sex without dick. Another person said it’s marine spirit that possessed me. 

    Nkay, 24

    The funniest thing I’ve heard is that I’m practicing lesbianism. A practice, LMAO!

    Titi, 27 

    My ex boyfriend asked if it’s because he impregnated someone else that I became a lesbian. One man was trying to convince me to have sex with him by saying that if I had sex with him, it won’t stop me from being a lesbian.

    Cynthia, 30 

    One man once told me that I have not had sex with a man I truly connected with that’s why I am a lesbian. He said I should keep trying until I learn to love it. LOL. 

    Oby, 25

    My mom used to say lesbians have sex with tools. This means there is a special place in hell for us. 

    Nike, 19 

    My friends used to say a woman can’t give me what I need in life. I don’t even know what means. What do they think I need and why do they think they are the ones who know it better? One time, one of them asked me why I was depriving myself of a good life? LOL

    Simi, 22

    The funniest thing I have heard is that too many men must have broken my heart and that is why I am gay. I laughed when they said it. 

     Vee, 20

    I was 18 when my mum outed me to my dad. He told me that lesbians never make it in life. I said, “What about Ellen Degeneres?” He said it’s because she’s white. My aunt said lesbians get mouth cancer because they are always eating pussy. Omo, I couldn’t talk. 

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  • 6 Nigerian Women Share When They Knew They Were Queer

    There are not many feelings in the world that match the realization of ones queerness. These six Nigerian women share when they knew they were queer.

    Anita, 24

    I went to one of those private catholic girls secondary schools in Abuja. In JS 1, during our visiting day, some boys came from the neighbouring “brother” school. For some reason, I couldn’t understand why all the girls were excited. These guys look like they hadn’t showered in days with their unmoistured feet. Fast forward to two very close “friends” later, I understood why. So, I guess I realised I was queer in JS1.

    Funke, 20

    I have always known I liked boys. So when I also started developing feelings for girls, I got confused. One day while I was still in secondary school, I was watching a movie on my brother’s laptop. The main character was a woman who had a girlfriend and also had a boyfriend. Before then, I had thought you either had to like men or like women. It was the first time I was hearing the word bisexual being used. I never knew it was possible to like both, and it was very affirming.

    Zahra, 29

    I knew I liked women even before I was 10. But society says it’s man and woman so I always felt I was weird and alone. For so many years, I lived my life thinking I was an alien. I didn’t know there was a name for who I was until about 13 or 14. I heard it from a boy, and I was so excited I started asking numerous questions about my new “Human Identity”. The boy was also eager to fill me in. All I wanted was to know that I’m normal and sane. Then I became more confident and decisive. It’s been a great ride, now we’re only waiting for that repeal to happen.

    Adaeze, 23

    It was in a threesome with this girl and her boyfriend. When I touched her, it was like nothing I had ever experienced before, and that was when the questioning began. The thing is, I used to feel attracted to women, but I thought all women felt it too. I had a roommate who I used to flirt with back then, but nothing serious ever happened. That threesome, however, was different. The self-acceptance didn’t come until much later. I haven’t been with anyone since then. I feel like if a woman decides to actually like me in a romantic way, I might explode from all this fire inside me.

    Chisom, 20

    I knew I liked women in SS1, but I don’t think I ever considered myself queer until my second year in university. In my second year, I was having an internal issue on whether I even liked men and didn’t tell anyone about it. Around that time, I made a new friend who would not stop calling me gay as a joke. At a point, I realised she was right. I am gay.

    Tito, 19

    I think I kind of knew when I was as little as 8 years old. I always wanted the female characters in the movie to kiss, and I used to guess which male characters liked other men. The thing was, I did not even think it was something I was supposed to see as bad until I went to secondary school and they started talking about it. I was in my first year of University when my mummy told me that one of my cousins in the USA had gotten married to his boyfriend. I was so excited for him, and so I reached out to him through Facebook. We started talking and I guess that helped me figure it out. I listened to the way he spoke about his husband, and I wanted something like that. I knew I would not get that by marrying a man.

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  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.



    Audio: Becoming Best Friends Helped Us Stay Together

    Jennifer, 28 and Emem, 26, have been dating for eight months. In today’s episode of Love Life, they talk about navigating a lesbian relationship in Nigeria and learning to work together as business partners. 

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Jennifer: I was walking back from the gate after seeing my friend off. I saw her from a distance. It was dark, but she looked lovely. She was smiling so much that I knew she was going to speak to me, and she did. 

    Emem: That day, as I saw her walking towards me, I was like OMG! Who be this fine babe? My friends and I were at a party within the neighbourhood. The party was fizzling out, so my friends and I sat outside beside a car. I spoke to her when she came close and invited her in, but she said she had friends waiting for her and had to let them know where she was going. 

    I saw her again when the party ended as I was walking home. She was standing by herself, so I sharply asked for her number. I told her she better respond to me when I message her. She wondered why I thought she wouldn’t respond to me, and I said I know fine girls don’t talk to people. She promised she’d respond, and we parted ways. The next day by 6 a.m., I texted her and guess what? She didn’t reply. I had to keep bothering her. 

    Jennifer: LMAO. I remember the next day when I woke up, and saw her text on WhatsApp at 6 a.m. I was like, who messages anybody at 6 a.m.? I don’t like people disturbing me in the morning, so I thought this girl will be a nuisance. 

    She called me later that day; I picked by mistake, so I had to talk to her. We spoke, and I liked her, but it was awkward I kept thinking, a tomboy is asking me out. I kept the conversation short and ended the call fast. I didn’t talk to her for a few days, even though she was texting me. 

    One day, I was at the salon fixing my nails when her messages kept buzzing my phone. Again, I mistakenly opened it, and had to reply because I didn’t want to be rude. I saw that they were long messages, so I sent her a video of the technician fixing my nails and told her I would text her when I was done. She said we should hang out. That’s how she seized me. That day we hung out is the day we started dating. 

    Emem: When we saw, I just said, you know you are my girlfriend now, right? It was so easy, LOL. 

    How has the relationship been so far? 

    Emem: The relationship has been amazing. We’ve had ups and downs, especially because we are both girls. I let her have way every time because I am the man in the relationship. I hate it, but it’s more peaceful when I do. I prefer it that way because I don’t want to lose her. One day, I will catch her, and everything will go my way. Jennifer is a fucking handful, but she does everything for me, so that part is great. 

    Jennifer: It’s been challenging because of how people perceive us when they see us. Emem is masculine-presenting, so it’s easy to tell that we are a couple in public. We either get admiration or judgemental stares from people. 

    Emem: Yup, they look at us like we are supposed to be afraid of them. I challenge them in my head like come and beat us now. But at the beginning of our relationship, it wasn’t easy for Jennifer. I have always accepted myself as I am, and everyone around me, including my family, knows it. For Jennifer, it was new. 

    There are times where Jennifer would be cranky and upset, but she can’t tell me what’s wrong because she didn’t want me to feel like she doesn’t want the relationship anymore. She eventually told me how she had to battle with her family and her friends. She knew she would lose people because she is dating me. But she wanted to be with me, and that’s also why I stayed. I could have left because there are other girls, I didn’t want to be with someone who would be unhappy, and I would blame myself for it.  She got over it, though. 

    Jennifer: It was terrible because I didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I met her. What started as a joke started getting serious, and I was scared. I was thinking of how my parents, siblings, friends, and cousins would take it. I’m from a very strict home, and I didn’t want to ‘shame’ the family. So there were days I spent just crying, unable to do anything else. I was thinking, why do I have to explain my love to anybody? Emem would sit beside me helplessly. I felt terrible for making her feel bad, but I think I had to go through all that to get here. Also, I think the fact that we became each other’s best friends helped us stay together. We would fight over the littlest and silliest things but also laugh over those things. That helped our bond and helped us overcome the societal pressure of being in the relationship.

    So how are things now? 

    Jennifer: So far, my siblings are in love with Emem. Funny enough, they already knew who I was before I told them. In secondary school, I always had pictures of studs on my phone. I would make them my wallpaper, but I didn’t think much of it. So when I told my sisters, they were not surprised. My mum knows Emem as my friend. She comes to my house often, and they exchange pleasantries. My family is always pointing out how we look alike. 

    What’s the best part of the relationship?

    Emem: Food! She cooks for me every time. 

    Even if I’m hungry at 12, Jennifer would get up to cook for me. It blows my mind how much she cares about me. With her, I’m free — I could be anything with Jennifer. I love that she trusts me, and no matter what anyone says, she would talk to me first. It’s that bond for me. 

    Jennifer: The best part for me is having the best friend I can be intimate with.

    What was your biggest fight about? 

    Emem: We run businesses together. There was this time we fought for two weeks straight because we couldn’t understand each other. We are two different people, so it took a while to navigate. I am pretty stubborn so getting me to be on the same page with her was difficult. She was so angry at how I was handling things. I thought we would break up, but eventually, we got through it. 

    Jennifer: I didn’t think we were going to make it too. I broke up with her twice during that period. I don’t think we sat down to resolve it. It just passed. Emem found a way to let me do things the way I wanted. When I do, and it doesn’t work, then we can talk about it. These fights were about decision making in our business. Emem is slow and steady; I’m not that patient. Also, we figured that we never came up with solutions when we fought. 

    Emem: Yeah! So we decided that we must talk about every fight. She tells me, hey, I’m upset, and I promise not to do it again. Jennifer’s head is very hot, so you have to let her have her way. 

    What is your favourite thing about each other?

    Jennifer: She’s kind. That’s one of the things that pulled me to her. You would never hear Emem say anything bad about another person. She is tough on the outside, but she does that to shield her softness. My favourite thing is that I am the only one who gets to see that part of her— she can be mean to everybody and nice to me. 

    Emem: She knows how to love. She makes everything easy for me. She reminds me every day that she is on my side. On Saturday, I went to play soccer, and I won a medal.  Jennifer hangs it beside her bed so she can look at it every day. I don’t deserve her love, but I’m grateful. She is interested in my well-being. She’s the sweetest woman ever. 

    Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10

    Emem: 10! 

    Jennifer: Yes, 10! I am so here for this love. We have regular relationship issues, but most times, we’re goofy. 

    Emem: Plus, we wake up beside each other every day, and it’s just so beautiful. 


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  • I Was Assigned Female At Birth, But I Identify As Non-Binary

    As told to Mariam 

    During my first week at Zikoko, I wanted to write an article on how body dysmorphia affects women. I made a call for women to share their stories with me and Fisayo* messaged me. I eventually found that a similar article had been written but the conversation I had with them led to this article.


    I was assigned female at birth and raised as a girl, but I identify as a trans non-binary person with they/them pronouns. 

    One day, when I was about ten years old, I cut off all my hair with a pair of scissors and told people I wanted to be a boy. At the time, I thought those were the only two genders available. My dad was actually pretty cool with it — I guess because he always wanted a son. My mum, on the other hand, tried to force me into acting more feminine for a while. She made me wear dresses. 

    In secondary school, I mingled with other girls more and tried to emulate their hairstyle and their makeup. I always knew it wasn’t my thing, but I wanted to make my mum happy. As I got older, I found that I was more comfortable wearing masculine clothes. I think I’ve finally found a balance that everyone is cool with. I’m fine braiding my hair, and I don’t mind wearing makeup, but at the same time, I don’t feel like myself in traditionally feminine clothes.

    Sometime in 2018, I came across a TikTok video on being genderfluid, and it sparked something in me. I started to read more articles and watch more videos to learn about myself.

    The only person in my family that truly knows who I am is my younger sister. I’ve been having discussions with her about people who aren’t boys or girls because they’re not happy with it, as well as boys who like boys and girls who like girls. It’s something we’ve always talked about since she was like seven years old — she’s nine now. These days, she asks if I’m okay with being called things like beautiful because she knows it’s typically for girls. But I know a couple of people who think I’m just confused, on social media and in-person too. The people I interact with at school are quite understanding. My family doesn’t exactly know I’m non-binary yet because I haven’t figured out how to explain it to them.  

    My relationship with my body depends on the day. Sometimes, I absolutely love my body and other days, I do not feel masculine enough or feminine enough. For me, body dysmorphia is tied to gender dysphoria because even though I was assigned female at birth, I don’t identify as female. So at times when I feel distressed about my body, it affects how I feel about my gender identity. For example, being on my period just reminds me that I was assigned a certain gender. 

    I am used to people misgendering me especially because I live in Nigeria — most people don’t understand it, including queer people. I intend to go on hormone blockers and probably testosterone someday, so hopefully, the way I feel on the inside will match how I look on the outside.

    If I were to rate my life living as a trans nonbinary person in Nigeria, I would give it a six. At first glance, when you see me, I don’t look non-binary because I present extremely feminine even in masculine clothes. I think it’s more obvious in my personality than in my physical appearance. It took a while for me to know that non-binary doesn’t equal androgyny. It’s kinda fun when strangers have to wonder about your gender. I’d like to cut my hair at some point when I’m ready. Try some protein shakes and start working out as well, but I can’t right now due to some health issues. I also want to get a whole new wardrobe of clothes that would aptly represent who I am.


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  • Love Life: She’s Polyamorous, But I’m Not

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.



    Audio: She Is Polyamorous, But I’m Not

    Tobi*, 21, and Elizabeth*, 19, have known each other for eleven months and dated for five. For today’s Love Life, they talk about being queer, managing a relationship where only one person is polyamorous, and leaving their exes for each other. 

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Elizabeth: My earliest memory of Tobi was when they called me on the phone. They told me I sound like MTN customer care because I pick my calls with “Yello,” and that made me laugh so hard. It was the funniest thing I had heard all day. They’re not funny, but sometimes they try.

    Tobi: I’m funny, stop spreading fake news. Mine was actually the first time we met. I was doing my internship at the time, and I randomly mentioned to her that I was hungry. She showed up at my office with food. 

    I remember this particular day because I accidentally gave her the wrong directions and she looked so mad when she finally got there. I will not be forgetting that soon. 

    Elizabeth: Knowing Tobi now, I now understand that they have no sense of direction, but they’re adorable. I mean, I got to their workplace all mad but I saw them and I was like, “How can I be mad at this one?”

    Elizabeth, you keep using they/them pronouns. Is that intentional?

    Elizabeth: Yes. Tobi is non-binary — a gender identity that is neither exclusively masculine or feminine. Gender is not as binary as the world views it. There are men, women, and people who genuinely do not conform. Tobi can explain better.

    Tobi: I think gender is a capitalist concept created to sell more blue and pink clothes. I personally prefer purple. Also, asking me about my gender and pronouns is a terrible idea because I’ll just say I’m stardust and I don’t exist and keep things moving. 

    Forgive my naivety, but if they are non-binary and you are a woman, what is the proper term for your relationship? 

    Tobi: Proper term?

    Elizabeth: Babe, do you know what I just hacked? We’re straight. I mean, we are both dating opposite genders. OMG! Are we straight?

    Tobi: Ew, please. 

    LMAO. What is going on here?

    Elizabeth: A bisexual woman and a pansexual non-binary person decided to date. That’s legit it.

    Tobi: Yup, we’re partners. 

    About being partners, what does a day in this relationship look like?

    Elizabeth: Omo. There’s no dynamic, just vibes and InshaAllah.

    Tobi: Oh shut up. That’s how we started being a thing. She said, “I just want to vibe oh. Nothing more.” But here we are. I’m not complaining though.

    Elizabeth: Ah. You had a girlfriend abi woman of interest. What was I supposed to do? I had a girlfriend too and I didn’t plan on falling in love, but you were so sweet. You kept texting and calling me; it was only natural that I caught feelings. 

    Elizabeth, you caught feelings first?

    Well, I told them I love them first, but as a friend. I was like, “I love you” and they went silent as hell, so I tacked on “…as a friend.”

    LMAO. Good save. 

    Tobi: Lizzy, this is not how I remember things oh. ‘

    Elizabeth: Are you calling me a liar? 

    Tobi: I would just like to say that I’ve never been that confused in my life. She said, “I love you, but like I love all my friends.”

    Elizabeth: But, don’t I? 

    Tobi: Well, during the early stage, you kept texting me. Babe, we literally had a 9-hour phone call.

    Elizabeth: But you were the one that called na. Talking about how you needed me to keep you company until you got home.

    9 HOURS? Are y’all rich-rich? 

    Tobi: Please, dear, it was a WhatsApp call. 

    Elizabeth: Honestly, that day you used me. 

    Tobi: I don’t regret it.

    Elizabeth: Omo.

    Wait. Do either of you currently have other partners right now? 

    Tobi: Not yet. 

    Elizabeth: Yet? You have someone you have your eyes on? Pray tell, is their ass fat? Tobi will swear that I’m sleeping with half of Lagos and quarter of Benin city, but they’re the real hoe. 

    Tobi: But, aren’t you?

    Elizabeth: I plead the fifth. 

    How long have you guys been together?

    Elizabeth: Five months, but we were “talking” for seven months. We met on Twitter in December 2019. Tobi had a woman and I had a girlfriend. So, we were just friends. Then my ex broke up with me and the spirit of hoeing took over. I went over to their place for four days and then we kept… talking. 

    Tobi: Talking?

    Elizabeth:  Want us to say what really happened when I was at yours? It’s love life not sex life, dear.

    LMAO. Wait, all this happened when Tobi still had a girl?

    Elizabeth: Yes. We confessed to having feelings for each other and they said they still loved that woman.

    So, when you guys started dating, was “that woman” still in the picture? 

    Tobi:  Nah, she wasn’t.

    Elizabeth: So, she didn’t even know we were dating until like two weeks after we’d started. Tobi was scared to hurt her feelings.

    Tobi: Which was silly because she was never really open about what she wanted from me. 

    Elizabeth: You didn’t know how mean she was to you. You really loved her. I’m really sorry it had to end.

    Tobi, I thought “that woman” was your girlfriend.

    Tobi: Not to my knowledge, no. 

    Elizabeth: She wasn’t their girlfriend. They were a thing. It’s complicated. 

    Ah. Should we have invited her here? 

    Elizabeth: That one is a separate love life interview. Now that I think about it, the first few weeks of our relationship was kinda weird. They loved her and I didn’t mind. So, they felt guilty for still loving her, but I got it. I got that people can love more than one person at a time.

    Are you both polyamorous? 

    Tobi: No.

    Elizabeth: I am the only polyamorous one in this relationship (the practice of engaging in multiple sexual and romantic relationships with the consent of all the people involved).

    Tobi: Yep. She’s poly and I’m obviously not as monogamous as I thought.

    Elizabeth: LMAO. I’ve broken you.

    How does Tobi feel about this?

    Elizabeth: They’re learning to adjust. I come to talk to them about people I like. They are my gossip buddy. If I like a woman or I want to suck dick or fuck a man, Tobi is the first person to know.

    Omo. Tobi, How do you handle jealousy? 

    Tobi:  That’s how I realised that I love her. She started to really like this one person and omo, my brain shifted. I was actually losing my mind. But now, we don’t know that jealousy person anymore, I think I manage that better than I used to. 

    Elizabeth: I remember that person. I couldn’t even bring her up without Tobi shutting down. Funny thing is, I don’t even talk to them anymore. 

    Tobi: So, there’s no way to feel about it, I love her. I want her to have everything, including men if she so wishes, but I hope not.

    Elizabeth: I hope not too. I can’t imagine dating a man. Unless it’s that man. 

    What man?

    Elizabeth: Our man. 

    Tobi: Hmm. God really does create bright and beautiful things.

    Elizabeth: There’s a man we both consider beautiful and he has hit on both of us on separate occasions. That was before we started dating though. I think we should pay him a visit soon.

    Elizabeth, if you decide to get into another relationship, how do you decide which one to give priority?

    Elizabeth: I love all my partners in different ways. There isn’t really a scale of preference as much as it is different units of measurement for each person. For some, it’s the laughter and vibes, for others, it’s purely sexual. With Tobi, it’s more intense and intentional. 

    Ah. Lizzy nuggets.

    Elizabeth: LMAO. I tell Tobi that I accidentally fell in love with them, but I choose to stay in love. It’s like I didn’t have a choice when I fell but the ground feels comfy, so I’m staying for as long as they’d have me. We die here. 

    Tobi: I agree. 

    What does ‘long term’ look like for both of you?

    Elizabeth: A nice apartment, two dogs, three cats, one rabbit, one snake, an aquarium, one parrot and 11 children. 

    Tobi: One cat. 

    Am I getting punk’d?

    Elizabeth: Tobi wants 11 kids.

    Tobi: I wanted 10 but 11 works, I guess. 

    WHOSE UTERUS?

    Elizabeth: I don’t want any biological children so we can adopt. The thought of having kids with Tobi seems very nice. 

    Better have money-money. Kids are not cheap.

    Elizabeth: Capitalism is a social construct and money is a useless thing. We’ll have a farm and I’ll make fresh bread and jam. 

    Tobi: The plan is to have money. 

    Elizabeth: Babe, you want to have money-money? 

    Tobi: Yes na. Do you want those kids to suffer? 

    Elizabeth: What happened to our “eat the rich” plan? Babe, you know the idea of wealth stresses me out.

    Tobi: I know, I know.

     So, you want to be poor and have 11 kids?

    Elizabeth: Not poor. In a functional society, you can afford 11 kids. I want to live in a society that makes it easy for me to have 11 kids. 

    So, Disney?

    Tobi: Basically not Nigeria. 

    Elizabeth: Yes. plus, we have 6-10 years for these plans, so we still have time. 

    Tobi: We do, babes.

    This is so cute. Do y’all even fight?

    Elizabeth: We do, but it’s mostly misunderstandings. 

    Tobi:  Miscommunication, more like. 

    Elizabeth: Yeah. So we try to communicate our feelings more, and then give room to feel upset and sad. We talk a lot of stuff out. However, an issue we haven’t been able to move on from is the fact that they eat semo. Can you imagine my life with a human who eats semo? 

    OMG. Gross. Are you okay?

    Elizabeth: God, it’s irritating. Their one flaw. 

    Tobi: Babe, you eat plantain and pancakes with sardine.

    Elizabeth: Tobi is very picky with food.

    Tobi: No. I have a refined palate. 

    Elizabeth: Yes. Sureeee. Let’s call it that. 

    Tobi: We have such different tastes in food and music. 

    YOU THINK? 

    Tobi: LMAO. I told her to listen to Queen and she said they make her fall asleep.

    Elizabeth: Babe, Lil Kesh >>>> Freddie Mercury.

    Tobi: Wow. Fuck you. 

    Elizabeth: Okay, but when though?

    OKAY! Is this the only relationship problem you have?

    Elizabeth: My problem is, I asked them to spit in my mouth and they hesitated. 

    I- 

    Elizabeth: LMAO. What’s the issue?

    Tobi, blink twice if you need Zikoko to intervene. 

    I’m blinking oh. Send the help. 


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