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  • What Your Favourite Swallow Says About You

    What Your Favourite Swallow Says About You

    Almost every week, you eat one type of swallow or the other. So over time, you’ve come to develop a favourite. Well, we’re here to tell you what your favourite swallow says about you.

    1) Amala

    People who have Amala as their favourite food act like die-hard music stans. At least the music stans can say they admire a real person. These people are ready to go to war over swallow????? They are not just lovers of it, they are a legion. If Amala is your favourite swallow, you need to rethink your life choices. What are you doing wrong? Who did you offend? Are your village people working overtime again?

    We at Zikoko want you to love yourself. Please.

    Looking to spice up your Instagram feed? Follow Zikoko Memes 😏

    2) Starch

    King of enjoyment and good vibes. Starch lovers and beer drinkers are the same kind of people. Easy going and just trying to have a good time. They don’t insert themselves in unnecessary discourse because they’re not trying to prove anything to anyone. Overall best in best.

    3)Eba

    You are a very unappreciated and simple person. Life does not have to be hard for you, and everyone should adopt your style of life. People might call you lazy, but just tell them you are on energy-saving mode.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    4) Fufu

    Looks and smell don’t matter to you much. What matters to you is how something makes you feel on the inside. You are a very personality focused person, and more people should strive to be like you. You eat rubbish, but you don’t care. As long as you are happy, that’s what happens. You love your joy and don’t let anyone take that away from you.

    5) Pounded yam

    This might be the single most over-hyped swallow in all of existence. It is too selective, and as such doesn’t always slap. Pounded yam goes well with one soup (like some other brown swallow). If pounded yam is your favourite swallow, you act a lot like whiskey drinkers. You think you’re better than everyone, but you’re not.

    Looking to spice up your Instagram feed? Follow Zikoko Memes 😏

    6) Lafun

    You did not obey the fanfare of Amala eaters, but instead took the road less travelled. I applaud your independence. You have a strong will. Also, people are always looking for your trouble by saying Amala and Lafun are the same things. They’re unclutured.

    7) Semo

    I think it is quite obvious what Zikoko thinks about semo, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be honest. If semo is your favourite swallow, you deserve respect. For you to be able to withstand insults and curses every day and continue to eat what is probably Nigeria’s most hated swallow, you deserve an award.

    You are resilient, steadfast, and not influenced by peer pressure. Unfortunately, your taste is also trash, so that kind of spoils all your amazing qualities.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    For more on what is inside this life, please click here

    [donation]

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • 9 Foods You Should Never Cook for a Person You’re Not Married To

    9 Foods You Should Never Cook for a Person You’re Not Married To

    Food plays an important in relationships. For many people, food is their love language, and for many others, food is a strong determining factor when they choose a life partner. So, to avoid “Had I Known”, don’t cook these foods for a person you’re not married to.

    1. Pounded Yam

    Pounded Yam | How To Pound Yam in Nigeria

    Omo, it’s for your own good oh. Imagine pounding yam furiously for a man that will later tell you, “I just don’t think we have a future together.” Or a woman that will say no when you ask her to marry you.

    Backbreaking labour wasted. God forbid abeg.

    2. Ekpangnkukwo.

    foods to try in Nigeria

    You yourself, have you cooked something this delicious for yourself before attempting to cook it for a man or woman who is probably cheating on you? Until there’s a ring and an official document, let everybody patronise their favourite restaurants please.

    3. Moi moi

    Moi Moi (Moin Moin) Recipe: Nigerian Bean Pudding - Yummy Medley

    You too, reason it: You’ll soak beans, peel it, wash it, take it to be ground, bring it back, add the condiments, measure it in tins, put it in a pot, and then wait for it to steam.

    All for someone who hasn’t met your parents. Omo, may the labours of our heroes past not be in vain oh.

    4. Ofe Nsala

    Ofe Nsala Soup – Mary's Hut

    Ofe Nsala. OFE NSALA for a person that has not talked marriage yet? Hmm. If it’s scratching your body to cook, why not open a restaurant???

    5. Ogbono

    Ogbono Soup (Draw Soup) | Low Carb Africa

    This one is to save you from embarrassment oh. Imagine cooking ogbono that did not draw for a person you’re chyking or that is chyking you. That’s how your cover will blow and they will break up with you. You’ll now be that guy/babe that cannot cook ogbono.

    We rebuke it for you.

    6. Efo riro.

    Spinach Stew (Efo Riro) - Chef Lola's Kitchen

    You’ll cook efo riro and the person will start running after you and professing love. Small time, people will accuse you of washing bumbum inside the soup because why else are they running after you like you’re their oxygen tank?

    Think about it.

    7. Pap/Custard

    We are not saying you should not prepare this one for them. But wait until you’re married and you live together. That way, if you make River Niger for them and call it pap, they will take it like that. After all, they promised to love you with all your flaws.

    8. Pancakes

    Pancake Gone Wrong - Food - Nigeria

    Again, wait until you’re in the house oh. Cause your pancakes can turn to scrambled eggs and casala can impregnate wahala. You need to be sure that nothing can pursue you out of that relationship.

    9. Semo

    This one is for your own good. Semo is widely hated. You don’t want to inherit that hatred, so it’s best you don’t even near it at all, even when you are married.

    A word is enough for the wise.

    Here’s an interview we did with Semo recently:

    Interview With Semo: “My Slander Is So Forced”

    Interview With Semo: "My Slander Is So Forced" | Zikoko!

    Ranked: 7 Foods and Drinks That Enhance Your Libido

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • Five Nigerian Foods And Their #JollofRoad Country Version

    Five Nigerian Foods And Their #JollofRoad Country Version

    One meal that connects all of West Africa is Jollof rice. Although we have different names for it and can never agree on who has the best recipe, Jollof rice has overtime become a West African marker.

    However, travelling on the Jollof road, the team discovered that beyond Jollof Rice, we have so many similar meals. They left Nigeria on the 22nd of September and since then, have been to four West African countries: Benin Republic, Togo, Ghana and Côte d’Ivoire. In each country, they’ve discovered so many similarities especially in terms of food.

    It’s World Food Day, so we decided to compile a list of different Nigerian foods and their #JollofRoad country version.

    Eba

    Attiéké (pronounced A-CHE-KE) is a traditional Ivorian dish. Let me tell you, Attiéké and Eba are one and the same. The only difference is that while Attiéké is cooked in tiny lumps, Eba is cooked till it’s a firm dough.

    Eba
    Attiéké

    Pounded Yam

    Igname Pilée (pronounced EE-nyam Pee-lay) is the Beninese version of pounded yam. It is also eaten in some other parts of West Africa. And as the name suggests, it is cooked with boiled yam. And someone’s sweat, possibly.

    Amala Lafun

    Amala is known as Pate de Manioc in the Republic of Benin. Wherever you are, legend has it that every consumer of this epicurean goodness always succeeds in life.

    Okra

    “Le Gombo” is the Ivorian name for Okra soup. It’s also the same name in some other West African countries. The Nigerian and Ivorian version have similar recipes. You either hate it or love it. There’s no in-between. Absolutely no grey area here.

    Ivorian
    Nigerian

    Fufu

    Across all the Jollof Road countries we’ve visited so far, Fufu has been the most common. It’s usually accompanied by different soups that are specific to each country and as a result, the taste is never the same.

    Watch the Jollof Road team tell us about some of these foods:

    Haneefa Mohammad

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  • The Zikoko Guide To Spotting A Great Buka

    In order for you to know whether or not the food in a particular buka is going to be good, certain things must be present. If you walk into any buka and these elements are missing, we have to tell you that the food won’t be sweet.

    They must have very cheap and mismatched plates.

    If all their plates match then their stew won’t be sweet. Pure facts. They must also have this one nation plate.

    Either the owner or at least one of the servers has to be a rude and overweight woman with flabby arms.

    When the owner is rude you just know the food is going to be good. You think they are there to serve you? They are only doing you a favour.

    If you don’t see the woman serving flick sweat into the stew at least once then that stew can’t be sweet.

    That’s the last and final ingredient that makes buka stew taste the way it does. Ingredient X.

    As you step into the buka some kind of unbearable heat must overcome you.

    Any buka that has an A/C is not ready for life, sweat has to be pouring out of your body as you are eating.

    The food is served straight from the pot they cooked it in or old coolers that have seen life.

    From the pot straight to your plate, no time to waste.

    If the prefix of the buka’s name doesn’t have ‘Iya’ or ‘Mama’ or the suffix doesn’t have ‘Buka’ in it then it’s probably not even a buka at all.

    That one is a restaurant or fast food.

    A good buka doesn’t have an opening or closing time.

    They open when the food is ready and close when food has finished.

    If there isn’t a crowd waiting to buy the food just know it’s not sweet.

    Any buka you enter that is empty has nothing good to offer you.

    Because nobody has time for decor, you’ll find plastic chairs and tables that look like this.

    Anything fancier than this qualifies as a restaurant.

    The menu is never extensive because nobody has time for stress.

    There is rice, dodo, swallow, and beans. Dazzal.

    Do you have any other good buka-finding tips for us?

    Toketemu Ohwovoriole

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  • Pounded Yam Lovers Will Totally Drool At This Tasty Dish From Imo

    Pounded yam is legit the cream of the crop of Nigerian foods, argue with your cooking pot- and this delicious food combo, fresh fish Nsala soup with pounded yam, specifically from Oguta, Imo state makes us want to beg our Eastern folks to kindly kill us with enjoyment – Runtown style.

    And because a food post is kinda incomplete without a recipe, we’ll be showing you how to make the tasty Nsala soup and pounded yam.

    1. Apart from the most obvious ingredient (yam), you’ll need these for the soup:

    2. To begin, wash and season your goat meat with dried pepper and Maggi cubes, then cook with enough water until tender.

    3. Next, properly wash your fresh fish, season with the peppers, Maggi cubes, Utazi leaves and salt – cook this on low heat.

    4. Add your dry fish, spices and crayfish to the pot of goat meat- let it all simmer for a few minutes.

    5. While the goat meat is cooking, get on with cooking and pounding the yam.

    6. Next, cut some pounded yam pieces into small balls and add to the goat meat soup. Cook on low heat for a few minutes until it starts to thicken.

    7. Next, add the steamed fresh fish and vegetables and lightly shake the mixture.

    8. Let it all cook for a few minutes and you’re all set to eat!

    And that’s how to make a tasty pounded yam dish – Imo style!

    And guess what? Clem Ohameze, one of our fave Nollywood actors, came in for a taste and he absolutely loved it!

    If you want to catch the step-by-step recipe, simply watch the video below to keep up.

    You can also learn about more mouth-watering meals across Nigeria on Delicious Naija, from Maggi Nigeria.

    Make sure to look out for the ‘Delicious Naija’ show at these times on your TV:  7:30 pm, Friday on Arewa24,  7:30 pm, Saturday on Africa Magic (Family) , 5 pm, Sunday on NTA,  OR just watch it online right now!

    Maryam

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  • Nothing Serious, Just A Brand New Episode Of Your Favourite Ela Chronicles

    Nothing Serious, Just A Brand New Episode Of Your Favourite Ela Chronicles
    It’s surprising that in 2016, some grown adult men still pride in their inability to feed themselves.

    1. Instead of minding his business on a quiet Sunday evening, this man sha wanted us to know his future wife’s purpose in their marriage is to feed him pounded yam every Sunday.

    2. Just see his mouth like pounded yam.

    3. That;s how his ex came to give testimony o!

    4. We never hexperredit!

    5. When someone is forming hard guy and their ex comes to disgrace and drag them on Twitter.

    6. When someone’s ex says their break up is a wonderful sign from God.

    7. Maybe he’ll go and learn how to pound his own yam sha.

    Maryam

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  • When Pounded Yam And Egusi Cause The Biggest Fight On The Internet

    When Pounded Yam And Egusi Cause The Biggest Fight On The Internet
    There are over 7 billion people on earth today with obviously diverse cultures and ways of life. But why should food cause a huge fight  between people of different nationalities?

    It all started when Love & Hip-Hop Star, Tammy Rivera shared a picture of a plate of Pounded Yam and Egusi on her Instagram.

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BD2K6LZTUUT/?taken-by=charliesangelll

    Those who found it disgusting commented saying the egusi looked really nasty.

    And Nigerians brought the rage of their ancestors (and fuel queues), calling them slaves for daring to bash their beloved Egusi soup.

    And then it became a full blown war between Nigerians and anybody that thought Egusi looked gross.

    Some Nigerians bashed other people’s foods.

    And people’s education and English speaking skills were questioned.

    When did weaves and make up have anything to do with Egusi soup?

    And while this messy fight was going on, Tammy explained to a fan who really wanted to know how she fell in love with Egusi.

    Why are they cursing themselves on another person’s Instagram page over food?

    When people that have to queue all night for fuel are calling people with constant supply of electricity slaves.

    Not even all Nigerians like Egusi soup but Nigerians still went in to fight like…

    When you try to ignorantly bash a Nigerian food but Nigerians came for you like..

    Not all foods will be appealing to everybody, we all have our different preferences. However, people should learn about other cultures before commenting or simply just unlook!

    Maryam

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  • You’ll Never Guess What These Women Have in Common… and it’s Totally Shameful

    You’ll Never Guess What These Women Have in Common… and it’s Totally Shameful


    Unofficial studies taken from Twitter rants suggest that men would absolutely refuse to marry women who are unable to pound yam. Another informal study shows that the ability of a woman to pound yam is critical to her desirability and the stability of a marriage.

    1. Oprah Winfrey

    The billionaire mogul has built a reputation by coming from nothing to becoming one of the most powerful media voices in the world. Pity she doesn’t have a reputation for yam pounding.

    2. Kerry Washington

    The award-winning star of the hit show Scandal, is happily married to Nigerian-born American football star. Unfortunately, this has not translated to skill in yam pounding. Can you imagine that? Marrying a Nigerian man and not pounding yam. Ridiculous!

    3. Michelle Obama

    You might be deceived by her toned arms but the First Lady of the United States is, unfortunately, not a yam pounder. Those arms are from gyming and trying to keep fit and not from domestic chores like God intended.

    4. Viola Davis

    The Emmy-winning actress is known for her groundbreaking roles in movies like The Help and is now the star of her own show – How to Get Away with Murder. She also seems to have gotten away with not knowing how to pound yam.

    5. Shonda Rhimes

    Single mother of 3 girls, award-winning show runner & creator of Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal and more. She spends all her time killing our favorite characters and she has managed to lose over 53kg this year! Maybe because she didn’t spend time eating and making pounded yam. Shame.

    6. Beyonce Knowles

    Beyonce. Super star, business mogul, power icon, wife and mother. But not a yam pounder. Sad.

    7. Ursula Burns

    One of the few black women heading a Fortune 500 Company, the CEO of Xerox has years of corporate experience but none pounding yam.

    8. Angela Merkel

    Rated “the most powerful woman in the world” by most major publications, she is unable to exert any power in converting boiled yam to a sweet, sweet paste.

    9. Melinda Gates

    Co-founder of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation; this powerful philanthropist was once spotted carrying a bucket of water on her head to showcase the suffering of African women. Perhaps we should convince her to pound yam for the same effect.

    10. Indira Nooyi

    Ms Nooyi is the first CEO of global powerhouse – PepsiCo. Well-educated and multi-talented, she sadly did not pick up yam pounding as a skill.

    11. Zhang Xin

    7th richest self-made woman, Zhang Xin is known as “the woman who built Beijing” because of her many real estate developments with her company Soho China. Zhang grew up in poverty and spent 5 years working in a factory to save for her education but she did not find time to pound yam.

    12. Loretta Lynch

    The Attorney-General of the United States was hand-picked by Barack Obama. She has led the prosecution of FIFA officials which led to the downfall of Sepp Blatter. Her considerable talents are however missing in the field of yam pounding.

    13. Serena Williams

    21 Grand Slams Wins, Yes. 13 Women’s doubles Tournament wins, Yes. 2 Tennis Mixed Doubles Wins, Yes. Nike, Gatorade, Delta Airlines, Audemars Piguet, Aston Martin, Pepsi, Beats by Dre headphones, Mission Athletecare, Berlei bras, OPI Products, OnePiece and Chase Bank endorsements, Yes.

    Pounding Yam, NO!

    It seems that these women have been able to make a success of their lives without being able to pound yam. I might be wrong, but maybe we should stop making pounded yam such a big deal and encourage more women to contribute to our economy.You know, or just generally stop using domestication as a yardstick for femininity.

    After all, if we need pounded yam, we could always buy this beautiful Yam Pounder from Konga.

     

    But hey, I might be wrong.

    Don’t forget to share this with one of your pounded yam-loving friends.

    Odunayo

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