Nigerians in an apocalypse sounds worse than whatever fuckery we are living in right now. We don’t know how to be quiet or stealthy, except Nigerian fathers when they are coming to slap your head. So, how we go run am?

1. All our foods can be smelt a mile away

Sometimes it’s not even the smell; it’s the frying palm oil loudly, the pounding of yam, the pepper boiling. If there’s a monster  nearby, we will get caught.

2. We don’t know how to be quiet

Nigerians can shout for no reason. When they are happy, sad or tired, they are always shouting. If you ask them to stop, they’ll say you are being disrespectful.

3. The government will steal everything before people can loot

In American movies, you’ll see people looting abandoned shops. I just want Nigerians to know that there will be nothing to loot. Just look at how the government hoarded indomein during the lockdown for instance.

4. People will stay in religious houses instead of safe zones

Nigerian mothers would rather die in church than go to a safe zone and I get it tbh. Why are you trying to survive an apocalypse in the first place?

5. We won’t be able to generate power

If there’s one thing, we cannot boast of; it’s good electricity. Do you think they don’t bring light now? Just wait for the apocalypse first.

6. Lack of a scientific team

Please point me in the direction of any renowned or even upcoming scientist in Nigeria. Not the one that has travelled abroad, and we are desperately claiming. And their invention better not be another water-powered generator.

7. Nigerians like to hoard

From nylon bags to plastic plates, it’s a big problem. How exactly will Nigerians survive an apocalypse like this?

8. No Nigerian is ready for climate change

Small rain and people start complaining and shouting weather for two up and down. Nigerians also like to boast that even if they are suffering, they at least don’t experience natural disasters. E go shock everybody.

9. Apocalypse or not, there will be traffic

Even in an apocalypse, You’ll still find Nigerians, especially Lagosians, in traffic. Please, I’m stressed.

10. We won’t even notice

Things are already terrible as it is, it’ll probably take months for people to notice that animals have mutated and everything has gone to shit. This is nobody’s fault sha, no one expects hell to get hotter.