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  • Interview With PMS: I’m just doing my job

    Interview With PMS: I’m just doing my job

    It’s a calm and quiet day in the office, Zikoko sits in her little corner trying to get her work done when PMS struts in, looking like a bondage mistress with her tight high ponytail and 6-inch platform heels.

    PMS: Let’s get this over with.

    Zikoko: Ma?

    PMS: . You wrote me a letter last week. surely you recognise me.

    Zikoko: I do. I just don’t understand what you’re doing here. I didn’t reach out to you.

    PMS: No, but since you’ve joined the rest of the world to stain my white, I’ve decided to grant you this interview to clear my name. 

    *sits down* 

    You’re welcome.

    Zikoko: You want to do it now? Like right now?

    PMS: Yes. Look, I’m tired of everyone saying such horrible things about me. I’m a good person. 

    *taps the table* 

    Can you please write that down? Or better still, get it on tape.

    Zikoko: Tape…

    PMS: Yes. You know what, it’s fine. I brought one of my assistants. Say hi to Constipation. 

    *points at Constipation carrying a camcorder* 

    He’s an expert at holding things, so he’s been recording since I walked in. When we get back, Diarrhea will send the tape out. 

    Zikoko: *nods slowly* Sorry, please, why are you just casually walking around with erm, Constipation?

    PMS: Oh, he’s one of my assistants. I have a couple of them. He’s good at carrying shit around, so I take him everywhere.

    Zikoko: Okay, I don’t understand, but let’s act like I do. You’re here to clear your name?

    PMS: Yes. I’m a businesswoman trying to run a successful business, and everyone keeps trying to vilify me, especially the women. I just want to thrive at my job, and I keep getting slandered. What happened to women supporting women?

    Zikoko: You’re not very supporting either.

    PMS: How? I’m always there, every step of the way.

    Zikoko: 2 words, Mood Swings.

    PMS: Okay? I have a lot of friends, and I like to bring them with me on work trips. Sue me. Plus, I meet Mood there, it’s not my fault that we play jangilova sometimes and shit goes haywire. She’s my childhood friend.

    Zikoko: Menstruation doesn’t bring her friends along.

    PMS: *extra dramatic gasp* Take that back now. Why would you compare me to that lazy babe? I do all the work and people refer to me as her personal John the Baptist. I don’t appreciate that.

    Zikoko: So she’s not your big aunty?

    PMS: God, no. And I don’t appreciate being treated like an opener at her concert. She’s the background act, and I’m the star of the show. 

    *peeps at Zikoko’s notepad* 

    Did you write that?

    Zikoko: *nods*

    PMS: Good. Also, women like to act like I’m their worst enemy, but I’m the only one that’s always there for them. Consistency is literally my middle name.

    Zikoko: I thought it was menstrual.

    PMS: *criminally offensive side eye* I can see that I wasted my time coming here.

    Zikoko: No …

    PMS: All of you can continue thinking of me as the enemy, but I know I’m the hero in this story.

    Zikoko: Please sit down. I’ll be nice.

    PMS: *walks out*

    Zikoko: Nicer! PMS! Pre! Post?! Syndrome! Constipation! Will you still send the recording?!

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    Chioma Munachi

    ,

  • Dear Pre Menstrual Syndrome, or Whatever You Call Yourself

    Dear Pre Menstrual Syndrome, or Whatever You Call Yourself

    Why do you present yourself the way you do?

    It’s like you’re begging people to hate you. What would happen if you tried being nice? Maybe send a letter or a notification like any of these apps.

    Source: Reddit

    We know you can do this. If you can violently yank at our uteruses and play mind games with us, then surely you can tell us that your big aunty is coming in less dramatic and attention-seeking ways.

    By the way, what is it with you both and your dramatic entrances?

    Does it run in the blood? Do you guys enjoy being the way you are — causing pain everywhere you go?

    What are we even saying? At least your big aunty tries not to overstay her welcome. She comes for a specific task, does it, and gets out. You, on the other hand, have no sense of courtesy. You’re there in different shapes, sizes, and forms before she arrives and after she leaves. 

    Can you take a break? Maybe take the high road occasionally and stop acting like we’re at war unless we are. In that case, tell us what we’ve done wrong, so we can know how to appease you and get you off our backs once and for all.

    Yours sincerely,

    Women 

    Hot girls 

    The girlies just trying to survive. 

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    Chioma Munachi

  • 8 Things Women Hate About Their Periods

    8 Things Women Hate About Their Periods

    Almost every woman I know dislikes periods. Who the hell thought it was a genius idea to install this feature? Here’s a list of things women hate about periods. 

    woman holding her stomach in pain

    1. Bleeding 

    The fact that we are even bleeding at all is already a downer. There is no way up from that. Just spotting for one day would work great at telling us that we are not pregnant. Why must it last for three to seven days? 

    2. Pain 

    The pain is insane. Some people don’t experience pain during their periods and those ones are God’s favourites. Some start experiencing pain when they cross a certain age. Either way, bad idea. 

    3. Anal cramps

    As I grew older, I noticed that anal cramps came with my period. If you have never experienced it, it’s as bad as it sounds. Doctors say it’s because hormones that cause your muscles to contract are released while you bleed. Again, I say, bad idea!  

    4. Shit

    Literal shit! During periods, women develop diarrhoea because of the same hormones that cause abdominal and anal cramps. It also makes the poop looser than usual. My question is why? Why is this part necessary?

    5. Mood swings

    Another part that is unnecessary is the mood swings. The day before my period and the day the period starts are usually the most intense for me. Crying because I saw two goats fighting is no fun. 

    6. Acne 

    I always know I am on my period when I see one erring pimple at the corner of my mouth or eyebrow or even nose. Other times, in between my eyebrows or on my chin so you can see how ridiculous it all is. 

    7. Why does it exist?

    Why do I have to bleed every month to prove that I am not pregnant when I am an innocent baby girl? Sometimes I wish I could riot. 

    8. We still have to show up to do this thing called life.

    I think this is the worst part for me. Why do I still have to show up at work or school? Women should get period days off. That’s a fight I’m willing to get behind. 

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    If you want to read more articles about periods, click this link.

    Mariam Sule

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  • 9 Nigerian Women Talk About Their Funny PMS symptoms

    9 Nigerian Women Talk About Their Funny PMS symptoms

    In commemoration of Menstrual Hygiene Day 2021, I asked Nigerian women to share their funny PMS symptoms with me. Here’s what nine of them had to say: 

    PMS symptoms

    Uche, 25

    I get angry easily. If you step on me, I can slap you. I also lose my appetite and I really like food. 

    Bimbo, 22

    I used to have these tiny pimples scattered on my face and low back pain that would disappear the day my period starts. But for about three months now, I noticed I cry more a week to my period. It happens randomly — nothing has to trigger me to start crying. I’m coming to terms with my emotions. 

    Isoken, 20

    Some days before my period, my scalp gets itchy. It makes me feel like plucking my hair strands out. I also get waist pain, facial breakouts and random cravings like a pregnant woman.

    The worse part is that all of this comes with pain that is just as bad as menstrual cramps. This pain lasts a week before my period so this means while I am dealing with that, I am also checking my pants to see if I am bleeding. Stress!

    Fatima, 22

    I get abdominal cramps about nine days to my period. Four days later, breast pain joins, then spotting and leg pain. I also get mood swings, bloating and constipation. I have learned to endure the pain. 

    Besi, 18 

    I wake up with a pimple in the middle of my forehead some days to my period. Sometimes, I am mushy and want to cry about everything. Other times, I get cranky. 

    Two weeks ago in class, we were dissecting a rat and I was holding back my tears because though the rat was unconscious, I could see the heart beating. LOL

    Temi, 23

    About a week to my period, I get waist pain that feels like menstrual cramps. It also comes with migraine and purging. It gets so bad sometimes that I would be rolling on the ground, reminding God that it was Eve that committed sin not me.

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    Lade, 24

    Apart from the pimples that pop up on my face, what annoys me is how my mood changes around my period. Everything makes me cry. The other day, I was looking at my partner and I just started crying because I was thinking about how we met. It was funny but also sad. 

    Mary, 21

    Every month comes with headaches. I also have crying spates. When I was much younger, I didn’t understand why I’d wake up sad and cranky when nothing happened. One day, I realized that it usually happened around my period so I started watching it. I also noticed a pimple on the line of my upper lip or the middle of my forehead that comes around that time. Plus my boobs become two times their regular size. It gets frustrating sometimes. 

    Osas, 22 

    Two days before my period, I feel slight cramps. My boobs become sore and I can’t lay on my chest until a few days after my period. I’m always tired and any little thing upsets me. I try not to let my mood swings get out of control but sometimes I don’t even realize when I am acting erratically until someone points it out.

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    Mariam Sule

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  • 15 Struggles That Are Too Real For Girls That Experience Serious PMS

    15 Struggles That Are Too Real For Girls That Experience Serious PMS

    1. When you can feel that the time is around the corner.

    Do I have to go through this?!

    2. When you’re emotional for no reason and everything around you makes you want to cry. Or laugh. Or roll around.

    I don’t even know again.

    3. When someone points out that you’re emotional for no reason.

    Is this one mad?

    4. When you want to attempt movement even though you’re in pain.

    I can’t.

    5. When you sneeze while on your period.

    Gosh!

    6. When someone dares to breathe around you.

    HOW DARE YOU?!

    7. You when someone touches your food/ hair/ anything without asking.

    Kuku kill me oh!

    8. When everyone talking around you sounds like they’re shouting.

    Shut up now?!

    9. When you finally find pain killers.

    I love you!

    10. You, waiting for the painkillers to kick in.

    Na wa oh, is it not just to dissolve?

    11. When you have taken the maximum painkiller dosage for the day but the pain just won’t go away.

    Should I take more?

    12. When you’re nursing your pain and someone invites you to go out.

    NO!

    13. When your pain starts on Sunday but you have to suck it up and go to work on Monday.

    It’s hard outchea!

    14. When your colleagues try to interact with you in your state.

    Not today, Satan!

    15. When bae asks “How are you feeling?”

    You can’t understand me. You don’t know my pain. You don’t know my struggle! Co-written by Zikoko Contributor, Obeyaa Atta

    Odunayo

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